Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 266. Don't Get Finessed

Episode Date: August 4, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris is headed to Bollywood! We've also got Trump coaching women's basketball, McConaughey wisdom, and some tips on how not to get finessed online. Join the cult! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Bit my lip, bit my tongue actually a little bit a while ago, so it's okay.

And it hurt, and it stayed hurting for a bit, and it didn't turn into a canker store. Canker store. Wow, worst store of all time. I'm going to go shopping at the canker store. Canker sore. Didn't turn into a fucking canker sore, or as some old women would call it, a canker, which is so fucking disgusting.

For some reason, I don't know how you leave out the word sore, and it becomes more disgusting. Did you get a canker? Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Anyway, dude, I'm on tour. I'm on tour canker? Ha ha ha. Anyway, do it. I'm on tour. I'm on tour. ChrisLea.com. We got Dallas, Atlanta, Washington

D.C., Wichita, and Savannah, Georgia, and Raleigh, North Carolina. We got a bunch of ones coming up. Boston, Peoria, Rockford, Illinois. Look at this. Just Lakeland, Florida. For some reason, we're going there. Jackson lakeland florida for some reason we're going there

jacksonville florida for some reason so go to chrislea.com dallas is the first one up dallas and wichita wichita so uh let's uh let's have a good time there dallas and wichita and atlanta and uh washington dc but um yeah so that's that go get your fucking summer apparel at chrisdalia.com, Life Rips. I'm wearing the Life Rips socks right now, actually, and something happened. First of all, these are my favorite socks. Now, do I have feet or flippers? I've got big-ass feet. Can't push me over.

And I've been wearing these socks, and I love these socks. These are my favorite socks. I wear them all the time. Really nice fit. Really nice, you know, they socks. These are my favorite socks. I wear them all the time. Really nice fit, really nice. You know, they breathe. It's just really ridiculously nice. ChrisLid.com, and they're the most slippery socks of all time.

I don't know if it's my floor or what, but I keep fucking slipping, dude. I'm like a cartoon in these fucking socks. I'm just walking down the stairs, and it'll go whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Boom. That's the Life rips commercial, so,

yeah, man, that's that, join our super cult clips, channel, and, and, you know,

and rate and review, and fucking all the shit, whatever, dude, but you know what, it's fine, this is congratulations, and we're still kicking,

ain't we, we're having a good time, dude, slip real hard, bit my lip, it're having a good time dude slip real hard bit my lip it's all good man slip real hard bit my tongue it's all good man no pain no gain you know as they say that's that's um i don't know if i agree with that but whatever dude um been out today having a good time woke up late all good woke up 11 all good dude okay. Okay? Woke up 11. Woke up at 11. Calvin woke up at fucking 11.20. How's it happen, dude? I don't know. You know, here's what happened. Kristen was nauseous last night.

She went to bed early and your boy, me, and my boy, Calvin, was just hanging out. We were watching TV and he wanted to watch. What did he want to watch? I forget what he wanted to watch, but we were just playing, having a good time. And then I brought him to bed by myself and dude, it was so nice, man. We were just chilling, having a good time and then i brought him to bed by myself and dude it was so nice man we were just chilling having a good time and i was just like watching him and he was in the bed and he was laughing and we were just having a good time dude being a parent is the fucking absolute best a lot of you guys reach out too and you say oh dude i didn't want to be a parent till i heard you talking about calvin and i hope you get a fucking calvin man because you know that's a that's a special one you know i don't know what

the fuck the boy the boy slept till 11 20 i slept till 11 he slept till 11 20 so he's just like i'll just wake up whenever you do 20 minutes after after you dad so that's what's up um and we took him to the doctor today and uh because he had his checkup and he's two and a half but he talks like a three-year-old. That's what she said. She was asking him questions like it was an interview and he was answering them, dude. She was just like, what are you doing? She said, what do you do?

The doctor said, what do you do when you, when you, what do you do when you walk? What does she say? What do you do when you, what do you do when you're, oh yeah. What do you do when you're hungry? And he's, I eat food. And she was like, what do you do when you're hungry? And he said, I eat food. And she was like, what do you do when you're tired? I get my pillow. And she said, what do you do when you get cold? And he says, go in the pool.

And she was like, oh, I don't know if that's right. And I was like, it actually is. We keep our pool fucking 100 degrees because Kristen likes a big fucking jacuzzi, dude. Oh, yeah, she likes a big jacuzzi. I like it a little bit cooler, but it's all good, man. She does what she wants, dude. Happy wife, happy life. But resentment sets in.

Just kidding, dude. Just kidding. These are jokes, dude. Right? These are jokes. Because the internet will fucking tear me apart. Oh, look at him, dude. Look at him, man.

See? Dark Chris just came out. Nah, dude. Um, we chilling, man. We're chilling, dude. We're having a good time. I'm just fucking, I'm happy. I'm doing my shows. Everything's good. Hell yeah, dude. Let's, you know what? Fucking for good measure, dude. I'm going to watch that fucking Mayor of Kingstown i heard it's good i heard it's about a fixer dude every now and then they'll make a show about a fixer and that shit pops off remember ray donovan dude and then they made a movie about ray donovan i don't like when they do that by the way when they make a tv show and it's like five seasons and then all of a sudden

they're like hey let's make a movie though you gotta wait like 30 years to do that and then make it a comedy like they did with starsky and hutch you can't just all of a sudden make a fucking movie i guess you can but like who the fuck's gonna go see it like they made that entourage movie didn't they make an entourage movie after entourage that fuck's gonna go you know i mean fine but like did you did it make money i don't know dude mark walberg makes so much fucking money, it's ridiculous. The guy's just so fucking lonely, you know? He's got a full family and he's just always like on a boat with his municipal pink shirt on. You know, you got to keep dreaming, right?

You got to trust in the Lord Jesus Christ, don't you? That's the thing about trusting in the Lord Jesus Christ. He's always got everything. He's always got your back, you know? I love it. I love it. I love religion dude i'm religious i'm religious man i'm all of them i'm christian i'm jewish i'm fucking hindi oh dude you know what i am now for real i'll tell you what actually and let me tell you this this is the most beautiful shit of all time i have now not been doing movies. I've had some

offers and I, I turn them down. Cause I don't want to, you know, I just don't want to, I don't want to fuck with it. I just, I I'm happy doing standup. I'm happy doing my podcast. I'm happy being a dad. I don't want to go to fucking, you know what I mean? Like Portland, Maine for a month and a half to shoot a movie with fucking somebody in it that's like, you know, the second lead of a TV show that's popular. And then it like comes out somewhere, right? It's on like CineQuest. Like it comes out like world premiere

at CineQuest Film Festival. And you're like, where the fuck is that? You look it up at San Jose and you're like, oh, that's a waste of my life, dude. Yeah, but it's for the art. But is it really though, dude? Because everyone's just trying to sell tissues. That's what's trying to...

Is it really though? Or are you really just trying to push fucking... Everybody's always trying to fucking sell something. And I guess I am too, baby. But welcome to capitalism. Hey. Welcome to capitalism. Hey.

Wow. The fact that I'm somebody that said welcome to capitalism makes me want to fucking shut the door on my fingers. But, um, I was talking about, uh, you know,

and I, you know, I don't know if, if I'll ever, you know, do, I was like, ah,

fucking, what do I want to do? I want to fucking act in shit, you know, because sometimes I'll see a movie, I'll be like, maybe I'll write something, maybe I'll be in something,

maybe I'll fucking crowdfund something or maybe I'll, you know what I mean? Maybe I'll try to get back in the game and it's like i see myself there at some point obviously of course i can do it but also i'm like why though man what do i want because like dude when i was like really like trying to get work as an actor i'm like i never had i almost almost not all the time and i made some great relationships and some great friends and shit but i didn't always have i it was like most of the time it was just not fun, man. You're waiting around in a fucking Argyle sweater playing some dork,

and you're just like at craft service eating fucking jujubes for some reason, and you never eat this shit. You got a bagel and jujubes, and you're just sitting there, and you're like, can I get some club soda? And they never bring it, and you're like, all right, man, I'm comfortable at home though. I make more money on the road. What am I doing this for? at home though. I make more money on the road. What am I doing this for? So my profile gets bigger. Who cares? I don't want to be more famous. So like, I'm like, I don't know, but I'll tell you what I do want to do. And this is absolutely the fucking truth. And I sat and I told this to Kristen and she rolled her eyes and that's how I know it's gold, baby. I'm not getting back into Hollywood. I'm getting into Bollywood.

Are you kidding me, dude? Have you seen Bollywood? You seen it? Dude. You seen it? I know Indians have seen it and Asians have seen it, but whites, blacks, you seen it? Oh, dude, there's barely any scenes where both feet of the main character are on the ground together. They're either dancing or kicking or jumping on dudes. Fuck yeah, dude. That's what I want. And I swear to God, 85% of the time, they're fucking smiling. And 15% of the time, they're crying, dude. And that is the kind of movie I want to be.

It's a fucking soap opera that is also The Matrix. Dude, it is my life's goal to be in a fucking Bollywood movie, dude. I watch this movie RRR on Netflix. It's called RRR. I don't even know what it stands for. It doesn't matter, dude. And I watch the movie like this. Oh, my God, dude.

The first scene. I'm in. the first scene i'm in the first scene i'm in and let me tell you why dude the main guy first of all i don't even know if it's in you could ask me when you see me hey was that movie in english or not I don't know And I saw the whole thing Got no clue Dude no clue Zero clue if it was in English or not I think maybe it was but also

I'm pretty sure it wasn't dude And if it wasn't English It was The weirdest fucking thing where they like dub over A dude that's already speaking English With another dude that speaks English I guess better And if it wasn't English, it was the weirdest fucking thing with a like dub over a dude that's already speaking English with another dude that speaks English, I guess better. It just sounds like it's a children's show, but the guy will be like, we need to get our warriors and go.

And the fucking guy, the line is like, we need to get our warriors and, and, and spread out on the field. And the fucking way it sounds is we need to get our warriors and set out on the field. way it sounds is we need to get our warriors and set out on the field and then so the first scene is dude it opens up this movie rr opens up dude and the guy's like there's a mob there's an angry mob this is on netflix and there's an angry mob trying to get into this fortress i don't know what it is dude i don't even know you know they're just trying to get into a fortress and i'm like okay i'm, and I'm just involved with it, okay. I turn it on just because, right?

And so I play it, and then it starts, and then there's a mob, and they're trying to get into the fortress, and the general is like, we better hold. We better keep our eyes on. There's army fucking guys, soldiers on the inside of the thing they're just waiting for an order and then somebody in the mob takes a fucking like a rock or it's not a rock it's like a clump of dirt and throws it and it hits something on the inside of the fortress and the and the leader guy sees it and he says get him or something and one guy's feet one soldier's feet leaves the ground dude and he jumps over the fence

like a human can do it can't but this is Bollywood. Leaps over the fence and the guy is fucking four football fields away and he just fights the whole mob. The whole mob. Chokes people out, breaks their arms and gets to the guy and carries him back and then leaps over the thing. And then just there's fucking 40,000 people. Just 40 000 people not like 10 guys fuck john wick dude this guy takes on 40 000 indians and he does it and this is the best part about fucking bollywood this is the best part about Bollywood is these guys are superheroes, but they make zero mention of any superpowers. And that's the kind of fucking movie that I'm into, dude. They do not have the scene where they're like, well, with this power, we wield.

Dude, it's none of that shit it's just some guy who will be talking to a chick and then all of a sudden jump off the back of a horse and his feet never touch the ground for 33 more minutes dude and the song's just all like and he just kicks fucking Indian assholes in. Just. Oh, dude. And I never know which guy is which guy because I'm racist, I guess. Dude, it is so ill, though.

Bollywood is where it's at. And if I'm not in Bollywood, before I take my last breath, I have failed. Okay? I want to go to India and be in it. I don't care what part. India,

you're boys for hire. And I'll take fucking less ruples or whatever kind of fucking money you guys have. You know what I'm talking about? Forget it, man. I love it, dude. Oh, dude, and they... Oh, and if that's not enough,

they also sing. They had to go ahead and make it my favorite oh hey it's also a musical hey sorry to interrupt you sir yes yes it's also a musical what dude and they dance dude and they do the kind of dancing where the like the i don't know how to describe it but they do like they twist the feet like this and they're always smiling dude i mean dude and they fight tiger it's unbelievable it's unbelievable

if you have a problem and in flight and like a fucking the landing mechanism can't work and the wheel can't go down you get a bollywood actor to fly up there a fucking, the landing mechanism can't work and the wheel can't go down. You get a Bollywood actor to fly up there and fucking push the wheel down and let the plane land on him. Bollywood can do that, man. I don't know why they don't make it. And then I realized,

you know, for some reason, the Bollywood shit is way better. Like it's basically like the only other people who make movies like this are like Asians make movies. I mean, you know, it's Asian, but Asians make movies like this are Asians make movies like this, but it's a little bit more like this is badass and not funny. Asians will make movies, whether it's Japanese or Korean, and it's like, okay, they're not really superheroes, but there's no humor about it. And the Bollywood shit just rides the line of, is this humorous or not? But it's still kind of badass. But these guys are having such legit fun when they're doing that. And there's dance-offs in it.

So basically, there's the Asians that make it too. And then there's like the Fast and Furious movies from America. And they just are not as good for some reason. And I think it's because there's no humor in it you know it's just like we're family and like you gotta believe that and be a dumb fucking guy in the theater and be like dude you know what it actually really is about family though i mean i know this movie like the cars are flying from one building to another and yeah it's not realistic because one fucking dodge viper just jumped onto a fucking crane and swung into a hotel.

But honestly, it really, though, is about family if you read between the lines. And you don't have to read between the lines because Vin Diesel is saying that, too. Vin Diesel's fat. So, yeah, dude. just kicking fucking indian assholes in i want to be in it there's fucking oh man the white dudes in the fucking bollywood movies are bad guys too just bad guys they have like one they have one guy that i kind of recognized he was probably in a james bomb movie and shit and he was just like the worst guy of all time he literally like took a fucking uh uh branch tree branch and fucking smacked it into like a uh a child and fucking look it's just really violent man but man do they dance their fucking asses off and i'm in

fucking bollywood now i guess so all good man bollywood i swear to god if And I'm in fucking Bollywood now, I guess. So all good, man. Bollywood. I swear to God, if I'm not in a Bollywood movie, just know I failed. Before I take my last breath, if I'm not in a Bollywood movie, I failed. Oh, whatever you want me to do. I don't give a shit. Yeah, so. I can't believe this movie. There's the one guy I started following on Instagram, though. This guy. He's like the fucking Indian Chuck Norris

what is it hold on where the fuck is it here we go here we go AJ Devgan Devgan Devgan

AJ Devgan Devgan, Devgan, Devgan, Devgan, AJ, D-E-V-G-N, Evgan, Devgan, how do you say it? Too many consonants in a row. The only fucking more consonants in a row is the movie RRR. So yeah, got to do it. You know how like people say like protect fucking yada yada at all costs or whatever that's a thing, you know? Like we must protect Cat Williams at all costs because he said something about fucking Suge Knight or Tupac, you know? This, whatever the opposite is, do that to Matthew McConaughey. You know what I mean?

Like, look, the guy's a phenomenal, can be a phenomenal actor. Okay, let's say that. Can be a phenomenal actor. Like, no hate on the Matthew McConaughey shits. Now let's get into some comedy

because people will be like, dude, I did the fuck, I posted my clip about making fun of Jay-Z. Itz it's like it's so stupid it's just a silly fucking rap lyric bit that i i literally went on stage and they were playing jay-z so i started talking about it and people were like bro don't disrespect the fucking i'm all right dude you know it's like okay all right cool i won't disrespect hove okay cool yo dude not cool not cool to disrespect one of the you know i ain't into liking dudes no way don't call me gay it's all good but i'm not

whatever the opposite of the protect yada yada at all costs is of Matthew McConaughey. Did you know our national bird, the bald eagle, its primary purpose in life is to build a better nest. I don't know why, but I like that. I thought he said something so fucking show-stopping. I thought he said something so fucking groundbreaking. I thought he said something so fucking jaw-dropping. I thought he said something so fucking pants-shitting.

Did you know our national bird... The potential. The potential of it. The potential of it. Look, the potential of it. It's primary purpose in life is to build a better nest. Potential scale. Potential scale.

I don't know why, but I like that. Ah! Potential scale. Potential scale. I don't know why, but I like that. Oh, potential scale. Fucking absolutely destroyed when he said nothing. I don't know why, but I like that. I don't know why, but I like that. I don't know why, but I like that. Why is he sitting in grass taller than him dude he's sitting in a fucking drinking his this is a commercial dude don't be had dude staring at his bourbon like hey, hey, bro, are you Lex Luthor?

Are you Professor X? Did you know our national bird, the bald eagle, its primary purpose in life is to build a better nest? I don't know why, but I like it. Oh, dude. The fucking first... I can't get enough of it. I don't give a fuck.

You keep listening. Its primary purpose in life is to build a better nest. I don't know why, but I like it. Dude. But I like that Dude But I like that Dude, unbelievable, man Unbelievable This guy, dude

Just Fucking eating his own shit, you know And just loving it Come on over, I wouldn't be surprised if Fucking in a year and a half, honestly Matthew McConaughey has a huge event And he saved up all like his extra men all year and he's just like it's matthew mcconaughey shit eating uh fucking extravagantly everybody come on by it's not even invite only you can come i don't care just eat my eat my shit man i've been doing it for years you just come in you just eat

my shit man right it doesn't even stink here come in here look at this you got a plate of shit right there and i don't know why, man. I don't like that. He's eating it. Look, dip your finger in there. I don't know why, but I like that. You know I'm from Texas. Yeah, longhorns, man.

Buck them. Or whatever the fuck, you know. Buck them, boys. Bail her. Or whatever the fuck. Hook them. Hook them. Fuck them.

Fuck them. Fuck them. Fuck them. Ride ride them cowboys or whatever the fucking sayings are in texas why fuck a dude when you could fucking ride a horse or whatever the fuck it is i don't know why why barrel why fuck hey welcome to matthew mccartney shit eating extravaganza The guy just fucking so... You know what he is, dude? Oh, wow. I just realized.

He's Armenian. Dude, he is... He is... 100% Armenian, dude. This is so something a fucking Armenian would do. Say something. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Eat all your food or you'll have an ugly wife, dog.

Hey, do you know that the national bird... Hey, hey, hey, hey, come here, dog. What was it again? Hold on. Where's the clip? Fuck, I fucked it up. God damn it. could say a dog a dog the national the national bird dog did you know our national bird the bald eagle oh

its primary purpose in life is to a dog a a beef a for real dog A dog The national bird The bald eagle Look at Nima The national bird Listen to me dog Arman Put that down

Listen to me The national The national bird The national bird Hey the national bird Um The bald eagle dog Hey Nima and Armin put that down Is actually um

Their main Purpose is to build a better nest I like that bro Hey Nima Put that down dog A better Ness I like that bro Hey Nima Put that down dog Why is Nima always picking shit up dog Hey Arman

Arman and Nima always picking shit up dog I mean fuck you dude This is unreal man Matthew McConaughey is so unreal dude I don't know why But I like that, dog. Welcome to the shit-eating... Welcome to the shit-eating contest.

Welcome to the Matthew McConaughey... Welcome to the Armin and Nima shit-eating extravaganza, dog. Wow. We love it. Wait a minute. Wow We love it I gotta We gotta watch this other one dude Here we go we gotta watch this other one We gotta watch this other one that I had on the fucking

RTD2 I don't think that shit ever got us down We gotta keep that And we gotta keep our wink Enough sense of humor Was the default emotion I don't think that shit ever got us down. We got to keep that. And we got to keep our wink. You know, if sense of humor was the default emotion. Not an emotion. I think the world would be a lot better place.

It's evil. Can't. Tourette's. Dude, Tourette's. Dude, it is not an emotion. Oh, God. You know, you know, he just fucking was just winking. Dude, how annoying would it be to hang out with him?

You want to go out? You want to go mile out and just sit in some chairs and stare at bourbon? And I'll just talk to you. I'll say some really important shit until it crumbles. What? Stop winking. I don't know. I just think that it shouldn't ever go out of style.

Okay. Yeah, and whistling too. You know, sense of humor was a default. Hey, dog. Hey, hey. Nima, put that down. Hey, hey. If sense of humor was the default. Hey, dog.

Hey, Arman, put that down. Hey, hey. Oh, my God. oh my god imagine a guy whistling and winking all the time never go out of style old-fashioned um yeah so anyway wow uh god Matthew McConaughey so the kind of guy that would like buy a fucking car that was so old and come in and show his buddies and be like, hey, guys, I did a thing. Hey, fellas, I did a thing. I did a thing. Bought an old horse.

Look at that. Close to death. About two years ago, we fed it and we raised it. Oh, boy, I did a thing. So, yeah. Don't know what Minecraft is. We'll never know what Minecraft is. How about this shit, dude?

The fucking apps. Oh, wait. No, this clip. This clip is so funny to me. And not because of the reason it's funny. Because of other reasons. When Trump said the thing about how he would be the best women's basketball coach in the NBA. Just listen to this whole thing.

And I'll tell you what. If I were ever... I'd be the greatest women's basketball coach in history. Because I don't like LeBron James. I like Michael Jordan much better. But I... I mean, so dick for no reason but i'd go up to lebron james it doesn't matter i say lebron did you ever have any desire to be a woman because what i'd love you to do is star on my team that i'm building up i will have the greatest team in history they'll never lose nobody will come within 70 points of this team i mean so fucking

all over the place this thing i love how all over the place i'll tell you what if i were ever uh i'd be the greatest by the way has no idea what he's saying what he's going to say the first second dude listen to this and i'll tell you what if i were ever had no idea i'd be the greatest right here that's what he's basketball coach in history. You know? Because I don't like LeBron James. So dick for no reason, dude. So dick for no reason.

Just dragging LeBron into it for no reason. Michael Jordan much better. Okay, so you like Michael Jordan much better. Okay, cool. But I'd go up to LeBron James. It doesn't matter. So drunk, dude. It doesn't matter, I'd say.

LeBron, did you ever have any desire to be a woman? Because what I'd love you to do is star on my team that I'm building up. I will have the greatest team in history. They'll never lose. Nobody will come with it. I mean, dude, he just said he doesn't like LeBron James, and now he's just fucking basically stroking him off, saying he'd fucking be the best player on every team.

I don't like LeBron. I don't like him. You know, I would be the best woman on every team. I don't like LeBron. I don't like... You know, I would be the best woman's fucking basketball team. I wouldn't want... I wouldn't... Because I don't like LeBron James. I'm a Michael Jordan guy,

so I would go up to LeBron James and I'd be like, take us to the championships. Hey, what are you saying? It doesn't matter. So drunk, dude, when he does that part. Basketball coach in history.

Because I don't like lebron james i like michael jordan much better but i but i'd go up to lebron james it doesn't matter i say lebron why does he say it it's like breathing it doesn't mean anything it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't matter. So good, dude. So good. So good. Didn't mean to be that funny, but was. I'd go up to LeBron James.

It doesn't matter. I don't like LeBron James. Fuck LeBron James. I need him on my team. This is crazy. This is, I think, maybe the craziest thing that's happened so far with this new, I shouldn't say new, just the woke thing is so far. With this new. New. I shouldn't say new.

Just the woke thing. Is so weird. So Beyonce. Has. Put in the song. Spazzing out. Right? That's what she said.

Spazzing out right that's what she said spazzing out um oh wait so it happened to lizzo i guess first i didn't know this but um after received backlash from disability activists and organizations beyonce's team confirmed that they will re-release the song heated off her new album renaissance removing an offensive ableist term the track co-written by drake uses the derogatory term for spastic diplegia a form of cerebral palsy how the fuck is beyonce supposed to know this shit or you think drake knows drake's making songs every three days he has no fucking idea what spastic is. The word not used intentionally in a harmful way will be replaced,

a representative told Insider in a statement. The lyric, stop spazzing on that ass, spaz on that ass, was criticized for its use of derogatory language, and we can't help but wonder where Beyonce's team was when Lizzo received the same criticism for using the term in girls.

When the song was first released in June. A viral tweet by Australian writer and disability advocate. See, this is the thing, dude. They don't have anything to do. Like a disability advocate. This is what they're busying their time with? Explaining the terms hardly used against people like her with spastic deplhesia. This is what she said. Hey Lizzo, my disability cerebral

palsy is literally classified as spastic deplhesia, where spasticity, the spasticity in our city in our city, refers to unending painful tightness in my legs your new song makes me pretty angry and plus sad spaz doesn't mean freaked out or crazy it's an ableist slur it's 2022 do better do you really how the fuck like the everything's changing how are you supposed to keep up with it so this is what beyonce should have done well shit man didn't mean to and then sing all the single ladies or whatever the fuck you know

oh that was lizzo whatever the fuck lizzo sings lizzo should have been like sorry and then posed in a bikini or some shit lizzozo was quick to respond, issuing an apology and promising a reissue of the song, removing the harmful. Lizzo says, it's been brought to my attention that there's a harmful word in my new song, girls. Spelled it with, you know, three R's. Let me make one thing clear. I never want to promote derogatory language as a fat black woman in America. I've had many hurtful words used against me, so I overstate, stand the power words. Intentionally, or in my case, unintentionally,

I'm proud to say there is a new version of girls with a lyric change. This is a result of me listening and taking action. And as an influential artist, I'm dedicated to being a part of the change I've been waiting to see in the world. It's just, you know, make more ramps. How about that?

You know? The energy. These words, man. Just over a month later, Beyonce's Heated is under similar fire. Dude, I wish I was fucking huge. I'd make a song called Spazzing Out. Spazzing Out didn't mean it that way.

In the parentheses. Spazzing Out in parentheses didn't mean it that way. In the parentheses. Spazzing out, parentheses, didn't mean it that way. Spazzing out, in parentheses. Just meant going re-re. Whatever, fucking cancel me, you know? Gives a fuck. Just over a month. Whatever, fucking cancel me, you know?

Gives a fuck. Just over a month, so... When Lizzo's oversight and response felt to many like progress from a more inclusive vocabulary and popular music, Beyonce's repeat mistake strikes a painful chord for some. These fucking... Goddamn articles, dude. These fucking cuck-ass articles, man. Like, nobody gives a shit about this actually you know there's nine people who give a shit about this and they're just forget this is the thing if they just

the fact that beyonce changed it is the only reason why people complain. Like, if you don't fucking... The only reason why this cancel culture or the fucking woke shit works is if they think... If they think there is an outcome. Once there's no outcome, they just go, okay, well, let's listen to other songs that do this and we'll try and change them.

Like, also, how is everyone how is any by the way beyonce is on another planet mentally dude she doesn't know what fucking milk costs you know and she you're you're supposed to the daily uh changing of words and what's a slur and what's not she's supposed to fucking know about this she doesn't know what milk costs she lives on fucking pluto like she should be like oh fuck I didn't mean it that way. Next. The shit people busy themselves with. It's insane, dude.

Is that the one they think she faked her pregnancy, right? They think that people, conspiracy theorists think that she faked her pregnancy. That's Beyonce, right? Yeah, that's Beyonce. That's Beyonce. Be like, you know that she faked her pregnancy. People are fucking insane on the internet, man. People people are fucking insane on the internet man people are absolutely fucking insane on the internet just so fucking

insane there's so many fucking things on my Instagram that are like do people send me this all the time like Chris D'Elia like somebody hi I'm Chris D'Elia's assistant hi I'm Chris D'Elia I love that you love you have no idea how much you mean to me and it's like it's not me dude and people are like is this you it's not me i'm not on the internet i'm not on the internet except

for i post and then i'm out dude there's fucking so many people pretending to be me there's so many people pretending to fucking reach out to people and fucking hey dude you get fucking finness dude who was i talking to somebody uh was doing this with uh was it morgan wallen they were pretending that they were him and they uh were uh trying to get money and they gave morgan whalen is it whalen or wallen wallen trying to give him get him money and they gave him money or i'm sorry they gave this quote-unquote morgan wallen money and then they had a meet and greet and she was like hey what's up it's me i give you all this money and morgan wallen was like what the fuck are you talking about it's not him you got finessed you got finessed why the fuck would morgan wallen want need a third

why the fuck would Morgan Wallen want, need a third, need a fucking, whatever it is, $300, you got finessed off PayPal, how, and it sucks, dude, people are like, dude, there, $30,000 you're getting finessed it's not me you're getting finessed the fuck think for two seconds why the fuck would I pay $20,000, $30,000 for a

fucking Joe job you're getting finessed it's so it's fucking everyone's mental dude it's mental these celebs i can certainly say for me if it's not the blue check mark on instagram messaging you back that shit's not me okay i don't have a fucking only fans account i don't have a fucking OnlyFans account. I don't have these fucking... And even then, I don't even reply on fucking Instagram that much. I say, thanks or some shit. Don't get finessed, dude.

Because people are out there getting finessed. It's so fucking insane, bro. Oh, it's so fucking insane. And it's sad. And then like people fucking, you know, it's just fucking, oh God. Sad. Whatever, dude. What's up with China?

They're taking over the world. China's taking over the world. Talk about getting finesse. You seen TikTok's fucking user agreement or whatever the fuck it is dude I saw that shit on Rogan okay who the guest was was it Theo I can't remember but it was like the TikTok service the fucking um terms and conditions oh my god you read that shit holy shit dude it's like and we reserve the right to come through to your house and fucking put cameras up and see how you make the TikToks. And we leave the cameras on 24-7 and we take one of your fucking sons or daughters. It's insane, dude. China is fucking, you know what China is doing for real, dude?

I'm not even bullshitting. Just Chinese people like this. Dude, that's Chinese people right there That's what China's doing right now just like this Hell yeah dude We taking over Oh god Sigh oh god what's this bullshit this thing about the fucking oh man and this is the whole thing everyone's insane helen keller why is a tiktok conspiracy theory undermining her story like what dude why is this TikTok conspiracy theory undermining her story? Like, what, dude? Why is this even an article?

Why is this even an article? Like, why is it happening and why is it an article? Do you know what I'm talking about? Despite her record as a writer and activist, what may have begun as a joke has gained traction. That's the thing. Nothing is just a joke anymore. How insane is that? I read a fucking article the other day it was like tiktok stars that are trying

to do stand-up comedy trying to be stand-up comedians is going to be the new comedians and it's like do you know how hard stand-up is you need more than a ring light you need more than a ring light dude you can't be 22 or 23 and good at stand-up. You got no life experience. You only got a ring light. And then, but there's no jokes anymore, dude. You make a joke and people are like, well, there's actually, dude, I did the fucking Jay-Z joke and I put it on TikTok. It went fucking dummy viral because your boy happens to catch flames okay but he goes dummy

and people see me do shit like that and they're like fuck him he's so conceited like they don't even know that's a joke dude yeah your boy catches flames but also he's got a heart of gold dude come on it's a joke the whole thing's a joke Just relax You know I don't know Despite her record As a writer And make us ask questions So what may have begun As a joke

Has gained traction And should make us ask questions That go beyond The cruel credulity of Gen Z. Huh? There's an oxymoron. When the internet is riddled with conspiracy theories, it can be difficult to decide which to worry about. Or QAnon and Pizzagate are proving themselves to have radicalizing potential with the real world repercussions. Others are flourishing beneath the radar or certainly going unnoticed by anyone over the

age of 25. Okay. What I mean to say is teenagers on TikTok doubt the existence of Helen Keller. This is irresponsible. Some people on TikTok doubt the existence of how to color how could keller's existence be up for debate there is an extent there is extant film footage what is extant film footage of that's a short

ass word i should know what it is uh activist and disability rights advocate who became deaf blind after a childhood illness learned to communicate using hand gestures and understanding others through the todoma method whatever that is this is from the guardian um she wrote 12 books more essays and lectures uh nobody gives a fuck who came across this conspiracy theory when speaking to his teenage neighbors and nieces said they and other proponents don't doubt the existence of Keller, the woman, but the fact that she was both deaf

and blind, yet still able to write books. Jesus Christ, dude. You know? That's like a fucking Homer Simpson joke. How'd she write a book if she's deaf and blind? She fucking mumbled it out.

Tapped somebody on what words to write. Just this whole article, dude. Whatever, dude. Until society as a whole takes a more nuanced attitude to disability, prejudices such as these will continue to exist, all we can do now is have a conversation with the teenagers in our lives about Keller and ableism.

And, man, a lot of ableist stuff going on, dude. Got to fucking... Let's not undermine Helen Keller, huh? Let's not do that. She probably exists, okay? And even if she didn't, dude, just just chill you don't need to make a fucking tiktok don't get out your ring light what helen keller deaf and blind and she wrote a book get the ring light let's go take your shirt off get the ring light just and the fucking thing I hate the pointy TikTok ones, dude.

You know? Soccer mom 808. I like. Things I like. Cupcakes. Fucking pies. Picking up kids from school. Getting railed in an alleyway.

Wait for it. It says wait for it. Fuck wait for it, dude. These videos are eight eight seconds you ain't waiting for shit dude wait for it is like if you're gonna watch the movie rr it's three hours and seven minutes that whole fucking thing on the bottom should say wait for it it's fucking three hours and seven dude imagine making a movie three hours and seven minutes long that's so fucking shitty to do to somebody i'm in bollywood though two can't wait man fucking chris leah bollywood is in bollywood he dances and kicks ass and his feet are only on the ground 85 of the time

i mean 15 whoops i backwards did up but it's all good are these real fucking uh deserve it scales that you just put up here's his i'm camilla oh this is she got fucking roasted for this roasted and toasted for this dude she got roasted good afternoon i want to welcome these leaders for coming in to have this very important discussion about some of the most pressing issues of our time. I am Kamala Harris. My pronouns are she and her. I am a woman sitting at the table wearing a blue suit.

Undermined it! Describe too many things after it, dude! Knows it's bullshit, describe too many things after it. My name is Kamala Harris and my pronouns are she and her. I am a woman sitting at the table in front of a desk with a lamp behind it. There is a flag on the other side behind me the table is glass and i am wearing a blue suit and have shoulder length hair that's violence dude that's fucking violence to the trans community dude you can't do that shit

just use your pronouns and that's it. Just use your pronouns. Also, you don't need to, we know. We know by now. Hey, you're the fucking vice president. We know by now you're she, her. I want to do that. I am Chris D'Elia. I am sitting here behind a desk from Ikea.

And my pronouns are he, she, he, her. What? Just confuse the fuck out of people. Him, hi. What? My pronouns are only him. Never say anything else, even he or his or anything, just him. You can't say his pants.

You have to say him pants. Caveman talk, please. Thank you very much. Now let's get down to the bottom of it. My... Oh, shit. Hi, I'm Chris D'Elia. I'm sitting at a table

that we tried to make fit in this room. It's too small of a room and the table's too big, but that's the studio. My pronouns are corn porsche um that's the one joke that everyone uses for trans people whatever dude i don't want any violence against trans people let me just fucking tell people that i love i love motherfuckers dude i love them all be what you want think think who we are i don, man. I don't give a fuck. Do it. Have a parade.

Do Bollywood. Do it all. Why she got roasted and toasted for that though, huh? Unreal. I guess that's fucking it, man. I mean, it's been an hour, a little bit. Let's do a little bit of this shit. I love it. Oh, the Tinder stuff. Are these good? Okay, Tinder. Let's do the Tinder fucking the Reddit, right? On Tinder. Okay, yes, here we go. Can't wait. Somebody writes, guys, this is not attractive. Okay, what do they write? Okay, I don't want to sign in. I don't have a fucking account. Please just bring it up, dude. Wow, I don't see. This is is so funny i don't see the image yet oh it's not safe for work i guess i gotta see it's not safe for but but the first comment under it is

comes in two minutes you know here's this daisies or roses and then next sunflowers and then he writes good now i know what to bring to the funeral when I murder that... You know the last word. Oh, dude. I mean, also he's got a blue checkmark. Does that mean he's famous? Is this fucking... It says Josh. Dude, is this Josh, the guy who played the bad guy in The Hulk? What's his name?

What's his name, Josh... Fucking... I don't know. Josh Lucas. Wow, dude. What if that was Josh Lucas? Well, I'm't know. What is this shit? Josh Lucas. Wow, dude. What if that was Josh Lucas? Well, I'm going to murder that. You know what I'm going to murder.

Dogs look like children. Here's another one. Oh my God, do you have a kid? No. Why? Second photo. Second one for me is on a mountain. Just so already not communicating right.

This is the fucking relationship from hell immediately i would have checked out okay oh my god do you have a kid no why second photo second one for me is me on a mountain are you dumb can you not count he says that's literally my second photo for me she says well soundly you use logic that everyone starts from the left and counts right oh well you should i don't know well you should use logic and he says well if i went right to left it'd be a picture of a cross on a mountain and left to right a selfie of me hiking on a mountain and she said whatever the photo of you holding something and he said that's a dog oh there's more that's a dog she says hold on that's a dog and there's more hold on me

oh the picture uh is clearly a dog that was like when i was driving in the car with my friend once and he was in the passenger seat and he goes oh that chick's hot and i slowed down and it was was just a guy like not uh not questionable a guy with a ball cap on and a kind of a beard that chick's hot i slowed down it was just jim oh man check these as soon as i click on them all right third one um all right here we go another one dude be trying to have a fun light-hearted conversation what's the best gatorade flavor he says she says whatever flavor you choose to spit in my mouth darling oh oh that's a dude that's from a guy named steve of course it is man I thought that the chick was saying that at first I was like Jesus man your dad died early as shit

What's the best Gatorade flavor Whatever flavor you choose to spit in my mouth darling A bird Um so fucking gross dude Like just from 0 to 60 I love the ones that go from 0 to 60 In one message Hey

What do you do on your day off suck me beautiful um what are you doing your day off want to bury you oh like the old fucking aim chat fucking door closing wow can't do it. Guy from Police Academy. I don't like how I can't fucking see the actual image. Here we go. You don't date outside of your race, but do you make out outside of your race? Oh my God. This lady writes, I hate black people. And then the guy writes, oh, and the guy is asian this is the most confusing thing dude and then the fucking thing on the tinder she says it says bunny mama and puppy mama single and monogamous i don't date

outside my race lovable and kind curvy but i don't date outside my race. Lovable and kind. Curvy, but I don't date obese men. Jesus Christ. I like my men skinny. I love hiking and adventuring, but sometimes I do like to relax. I'm a huge germaphobe, but I use paper towels to turn off the sink after washing my hands. I mean, this is fucking what a headache already. I hate one word sentences and hate abbreviations. That's probably why I just wrote O afterwards.

Okay, she has a mutt. All right, cool, man. Wow, people are sad. All good. Let's see another one here. Somebody just, wow, somebody just sends a period. That's some gangster ass shit. And then somebody, the person writes,

the other person writes, A, I may or not be going away for a while because I allegedly did something. So what I'm saying is we should kick it ASAP. Wow. Oh, so the, oh, is this like the, is this like she said to period because you got to, the girl has to write first. Is that what this, isn't that, that what a dating app does? Like that's one of them, right? I think. Anyway, whatever. So she was like letting him like, okay, you let him know you could write. Well, I think, I hope that's a joke.

Um, here we go. At least he's giving 100% honesty. This is the message. I mean, I'll be honest. You have the nicest boobs I've ever seen. That's 100% honesty too. He said honest twice. I bought a new pair of khaki shorts in the mail and tried them on yesterday. And I'm not joking.

I was like, my dick was too big for them. They were seven inch inseamed. So they were a bit short, but you could easily see my bulge. Oh, those messages were back to back, dude. This guy is stunting on him, dude. This to back dude This guy is Stunting on him dude This is unreal this guy goes You gotta be honest your boobs best was ever seen that's 100% honesty too

Also I bought a new pair of khaki shorts And I hope this message was a day later Honestly I bought a new pair of khaki shorts in the mail I tried them on yesterday I'm not joking like my dick was too big for them They were 7 inch inseams so they were a bit short But you could easily see my bulge And she didn't respond in the middle of it which is so good at least he was honest dude my motherfucker out here spitting honesty dude here's another one does this ever work he writes what's the difference between a bee and a wasp

she says can't eat wasps. And he says, you want to fuck? Oh, I wonder what, wonder if that was always going to be what he responded with no matter what, probably, right? Can't eat a wasp. You can't eat a bee either, can you? Honey? Then she writes, to turn. Oh, wow. Well, this is insane. Okay. I mean, it was only a 7-inch inseam, but honestly, it was just too big. I need to get new khakis. Who cares? Is this a TikTok?

What's this here? I don't know about you guys' phone, but it doesn't even feel like it's fucking Summer Dog. I don't know about you guys but it doesn't even feel like it's fucking summer dog like I don't know like huh there's like not even like huh there's like not even nothing to do or nothing for so if you're trying to get faded and fuck

shit up this summer forget about me I don't know about you guys the dumbest motherfucker alive dude whether it's a joke or not, IQ 40. Fool, I don't even know. It's fucking summer dog. I don't know.

I don't know. There's not even like, huh. There's not even nothing. That's my favorite part. There's not even like, huh. Saying huh to herself. In a convo by herself, asking herself what's going on. Love it. Hey, guys. That's it favorite part. There's not even like, huh? Saying huh to herself. In a convo by herself, asking herself what's going on.

Love it. Hey guys, that's it for this episode on YouTube. If you want to see the raw, uncut, uncensored version with the extra time in it, there's more than just what you saw. Go to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And we have other stuff there too. We got a little episode I did with Kristen a little while back. And we also, that was like a week ago,

and then also we have an extra episode a month on our Patreon. We also do another thing called Review Mode where I review certain things and just behind the scenes stuff. We also have a Discord

that we chat on every now and then. It's fun, man. Go on over and check it out. It's all for $6 a month and I really appreciate all you Patronix subscribers and even if you're just watching for free appreciate it Okay, cool, cool, cool.