Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 267. Leader of the Resistance

Episode Date: August 11, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris weighs in on Batgirl's cancellation, Pete and Kim breaking up, the Alex Jones defamation trial, and Amazon's acquisition of iRobot. Plus we've got more videos for the Deserve-It Scale! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Runk. Hi guys, and welcome to a Super Cult Productions of another episode of Congratulations. all i think of is baby shark baby shark baby shark baby shark that's all i think of is because that's what my son's been listening to

and uh it's another podcast it's another podcast one time i was in north carolina and i asked a guy where a starbucks was because one was closed right where i was standing and he said um it's another starbucks down the road and i will never forget that it's another starbucks it's another starbucks he said amazing wow i started it without the fucking uh headphones he's just feeling too comfy. He's too comfy with it, isn't he? Yeah, dude. It's another Starbucks.

He did it real like, you know what? It's another Starbucks down the road here. Yeah, so that's what's up. That's what's up. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Broke my arm. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Broke my arm. Dude, so yeah, man. Broke my arm Broke my arm Dude so Yeah man

We are here live In a fucking Congratulations studios Super cult studios Congratulations Like and subscribe really helps If you just go ahead and fucking Dang up that like button

And subscribe to Super Cult Studios. We present to you the best podcasts in the world. There's only two so far. So, look, we're having a good time. I have some dates coming out. I'm going to be in Dallas coming up real soon here, two weeks out. So you guys still have a chance to get tickets um and we've got limited tickets available uh it is flying uh and uh it's a huge

place we're playing at texas trust cu theater whatever the fuck it's called some of those words are in there i don't know if all of them are in there but um we're doing that in texas grand prairie and then we're doing uh what do you call it wichita uh we're doing wichita which is awesome we're doing wichita in kansas and we're doing atlanta and washington dc atlanta is just about sold out so get your tickets um and uh dc and i think wichita might just be selling out right now as the time continues. But yeah, dude, so we're here, dude, and we're doing another episode of

Congratulations. Thought I was going to stop at four, but didn't. Kept going because it blew up. Whoopsie-daisy. Wow. I'm annoying the shit out of myself. He's so drippy, though, isn't he? Yeah, he's got his normal watch and ring on, but he's so drippy with the fucking he yeah he's got his normal watch and ring on but he's so drippy with

the fucking crazy diamond studded shits oh oh fuck oh fuck he's so drippy with the shits around his neck what the fuck his shoulders got heavy what the fuck his shoulders got heavy dude he's sick but he's six two i thought oh what well He's hunched over? Why? Ah, shit, he got heavier. What, really? Is he fat? Nah. The fucking encrusted shits went around his neck. Oh, fuck.

All right, well, that explains a lot. He's hunched over because of the encrusted shits? Oh, because Chase Gregory came over and entrusted him with the encrusted shits? Is that why, dude? Oh, for fuck's sake, man. He's got a jeweler that trusts him. So it's all good, dude. So it's gonna be a little bit different, okay?

But we gotta remain humble, don't we? We gotta chill, and just because the jeweler trusts us with the encrusted shits doesn't mean that we gotta fucking leap out of our humble nature i don't have a humble nature but you know what i'm talking about um yeah you can go to crystalia.com and get the uh get the uh the new merch the life rips colorway you know uh the new

one the color the periwinkle shit and then the the um these ones the uh the life rips uh this is with a box that the uh slides come in that i don't have them in here because I wore them the other day. They're somewhere. But yeah, dude. You know what's up? I went to Cook Chicken the other day. It's a first. He's doing a bunch of firsts.

He went to Cook Chicken. Did he want to? No. Did his wife ask him to do it? Yes. Did he want to do it? no, did he say yes? no, he didn't say yes, did he say what do you mean? and she said, what do you mean, what do I mean? and I said, do you want me to grill it or how do I do it? and she said,

you know how to do it, didn't, but said okay, brought it over to the grill and was second guessing the whole time yes, dude I made chicken, dude, I put fucking drums drumsticks on there. Third worst, third worst part. Third worst part.

Third worst part of the chicken, dude. I'd rather eat the chicken cock than that. Bleep that out so we don't get age restricted. Dude, I'd rather eat a chicken penis than that, dude. The drumsticks, here we go, man. Fuck, I was going to do this for review mode, but you know what? I still could.

But like, dude, the wings, are you kidding me? The fucking thighs, are you kidding me? And the drumsticks, are you kidding me? Dude, who decided to eat chickens really honestly way back when? They were just all around, way back when they were just all around right and they were just so many and so they just started shooting them and eating them and they couldn't catch tigers right so they just were like these guys are around and so now they eat chickens and shit and they pluck them out but bro the breast onlyb, but you know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about chickens, right? The breasts

only. That's what the meat's on it. So when my wife handed me six fucking drumsticks, I'm like, what are you gonna eat? Because it's not enough. Lo and behold, I still

did it. Had to go to fucking group therapy after that. Went to my men's group, and I had a limited time to make these fucking chickens, put them on the grill, it told me to put them on the grill for a total of 15 minutes, took them off after 15 minutes, sunk my teeth into them, and I was disgusted, why? Because it was mushy and pink. Fuck yeah, dude. Prob got salmonella. Put them back on the grill for another 10 minutes.

Took them off. Still filled with fucking pink salmonella, dude. Fuck yeah, man. Then put them back on for another... They were on for 35 minutes. Dude, I don't know what these instructions said, but they were like, just fucking keep turning them. Just keep turning them for fucking 15 minutes and then that's it. Dude, I had to keep turning them, man.

35 minutes. And I said, we can't eat this. And then fucking, oh, I have a picture of it. I'll put it up right here. Boop. And it's pinky shit, dude. And then you don't know how pink a chicken really is? Okay, so you don't know how badly you cooked the chicken if you undercooked it

until you leave it out for a bit. And then an hour later you look at it? It's pinky shit, dude. It's pinkered in a fucking balloon, dude. So I was disgusted, went to my men's room the whole time was trying to talk about my problems but instead was thinking about how i probably had salmonella all good too low need the volume up should have checked um but yeah man we needed that fucking undercooked chicken dude

um and that's what's up is she printing something right now no oh it just relaxed why does a printer relax after a while and it's so annoying man it like a printer will print something and then you'll do something in near the printer and then the printer just fucking 15 minutes later goes ah it's so annoying dude it doesn't have to do that. It's a fucking machine. Make it stop the whole... Immediately when you're done printing something. Like a printer's done with a fucking race, dude. So annoying.

So, yeah. We undercooked that chicken. And shout out to fucking pete davidson it happened they broke up who to thunk it he got a tattoo of um kylie jenner what the fuck's her name kate kim kardashian and then uh they broke up i already tried to fucking propose to her i already proposed to her and then uh they broke up but that's just the word on the street, dude, that's the word on the comic street, not sure that's true, if that's true or not, and then they broke up, so who to thunk,

man, but that's all right, you know, that's all right, I really think that those fucking cats are gonna make it in life, you know, they're both still young, they got their whole life ahead of him, he's 28, and she's like 38 or something i don't know but then kanye west tweeted skeet davidson dies at 28 so responsible dude pete davidson should honestly sue kanye west for real for defamation oh fuck yeah the new alex jones skeet david dude. So disrespectful. Dies at 28. Unreal. If fucking somebody, yeah, that's bad. That's a bad thing to do. But they broke up and now he's got tattoos of him and shit. But dude, that's the youth, man. They get them tattoos. I mean, he's 28, but Jake Paul just got

a tattoo of his new business, Better. He started a new business called Better where you can bet on shit, and he just tattooed the logo on his leg, and it didn't even come out yet. I got to do that, man. I got to start creating companies and just getting tattoos all over it. It looked like a fucking NASCAR that didn't even – where the shit – the company's even out yet. So, yeah, shout-out to Pete. Hopefully he's doing okay. Shout out to fucking Kim Kardashian.

She'll probably be okay because she's worth $9 billion. But that's not what makes you happy, right? Money doesn't make you happy. It helps. But whatever. Speaking of money, what's going on with HBO Max? I want to know what's up with HBO Max because they put 70% of their fucking employees just laid off.

Is HBO Max going away? Because right now, that's my favorite one. Okay? It's got the rehearsal on it. That show is fucking ridiculously hilarious. Nathan Fielder is... Dude, it's an unbelievable show. If you haven't watched the rehearsal, the rehearsal is a guy named Nathan Fielder, and he helps people rehearse for moments that they have to experience in their lives like breaking up with somebody or telling uh somebody the truth about something that they've been lying to about 10 years or raising a child you know what i mean he gives somebody a practice baby and a practice fucking i mean and and they film the whole thing and it is so fucking hilarious dude and hbo max

is my favorite shit right now and just when it ekes into my favorite shit is when the fucking, they lay off 70% of their thing, and I'm smelling trouble, dude. So now HBO Max gets rid of it. Are they the one that got rid of Batgirl, too? Oh, fuck, dude. It's not gonna be on. They got rid of Batgirl.

Dude, they filmed the whole movie. Was it Warner Brothers? And they filmed the whole movie was it warner brothers and they filmed the whole movie batgirl the whole movie and then they just got what it cost 90 million dollars batgirl let me google it kevin oh kevin smith slammed warner brothers for axing batgirl but still releasing the flash okay well, well, yeah, there we go. Get your fucking woke shit in. HBO Max spent $130 million to shelve Batgirl and Scoob 2. Scooby-Doo, dude.

I guess just, why don't they just put it out? They're going to redo it? Wow, dude. Kevin Smith says it's an incredibly bad look to cancel the latina batgirl well and when it came out they were gonna make us think about how it's called batgirl not batwoman anyway so they can't win right why is batgirl have to be batgirl and batman is batman you can't win with the woke mob. But anyway, it's not going to come out. Batgirl.

And that's fucking really too goddamn bad. How about this, man? How about this? Nobody wants to see Batgirl, period. That's it. Yay, I said it. Oh, shit, he said it. Nobody wants to see Batgirl.

Oh, shit, he said it. Did you see the fucking cape is yellow and shit? Oh, but he said it nobody wants to see batgirl oh shit he said it did you see the fucking cape is yellow and shit oh but he said it though nobody wants to see fucking back girl they want to see batman i mean it's fine if you put out black widow and shit that's cool she's part of the avengers like i get it make the female superheroes but batgirl was never a fucking thing anyone wanted to see everyone loves the avengers you can make what? Make Batgirl an Avenger. There you go. Fucking now everyone will go see it. I know she's only DC and not even in the fucking Marvel Universe, but make Batgirl an Avenger, boom, people would have flocked to it. People went to go see Black Widow and that shit was trash, man. It was one of the better ones probably, but it was still trash. Oh, he said it.

It was one of the better ones, probably. But it was still trash. Oh, he said it! I mean, it was no Black Panther. But oh, shit, it was definitely better than that Shang-Chi one when the 10 rings. Oh, fuck, that thing was so terrible, I couldn't even believe it. But yeah, dude. So Batgirl is not going to come out.

They're shelving it, dude. $90 million. They just go. They're done with the movie. Dude, and Brendan Fraser was in it. Man, this guy can't catch a break, right? Is Brendan Fraser in it? Was he in it?

Can't catch a break, dude. Ever since he was in The Mummy, after that, he was like, I stopped. And then he did that thing in the award show where he clapped and he goes like this. And it made the whole fucking, and they put it to the B-A-N-A-N-A-S shit. And he goes. They made shit, and he goes, and they made a joke, and he just goes, and that was it, dude.

That was his downfall, and then he got, like, fucking fucked by some gay agent or something. I can't remember, but, like, he did, and then he can't get to break, dude, and now he was in a show that, like, kind of came out where he played the voice of somebody

on the fucking DC Universe. I love Brendan Fraser Fraser though, dude. Can't get your break though. Imagine shooting a home movie. You're Leslie Grace, right? Is that the girl? And she thinks that she's going to be a fucking star. And then doesn't, not going to come out.

Dude, I guarantee she's going to be just fine. People are going to feel so bad for her. And then she's going to be just fine. People are going to feel so bad for her. And then she's going to be just fine. She's going to be the new Bond girl. Mark my words. She's going to be the new Bond girl. Oh, she's in the Heights. Oh, she's already in Step Up To The Streets.

The fucking, the critical darling. Step Up To The Streets. Where they definitely have this song that goes, Pump it up! Dude, any fucking dance movie, every dance movie has that song, dude. Pump it up! Batgirl Dude

Batgirl was gonna fucking bomb and they knew it So they were like nevermind And they shelved whatever the other one too Scooby Doo 2 Hey man When did they make Fucking Scooby Doo 1 They gotta make Scooby Doo the prequel About Scooby-Doo 1? They gotta make Scooby-Doo the prequel.

About Scooby's dad. Ruby-Doo. Before Scoob. Ro-ro. There was Rube. Ruby-Doo. Wow. Worst joke I've ever made in this podcast. All good. Oh, there was Rube. Ruby do. Wow.

Worst joke I've ever made in this podcast. All good. Can't cook chicken. Can't make jokes. How about how fucking Anne Hesch just fucking turned into a fireball? Dude, she drove into a house. I got a fucking citizen app. There's a, dude, there's a citizen app, right?

I don't know if you know it, but every time like'll let you know somebody has a sword around you or some shit. You'll just be hanging out and it'll go, Oh no, it goes, And now I'm triggered because every time I look at it, it's like man wielding sword three blocks away. Guy with samurai sword. Person with flamethrower at Costco three miles away.

Ding, dong, dong, ding. Pregnant lady summoning Satan, thought to have Rosemary's baby, fucking two houses down. Ding, dong, dong, ding. Guy eating a turkey sandwich violently next door in your fucking... Ding, dong, dong, ding. Person cut off finger in your bedroom fucking ding, ding, ding, ding person cut off finger in your bedroom. Ding, ding, ding,

ding. You just fucking bled out your nose. Look in the mirror. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Whoa.

How close is it getting? And so, um, I looked down and it said, woman fucking Kareem's car into house and house explodes. And I'm like, is this the movies? Since when does a car crash and then fucking go up in flames? Dude, one time I was on the freeway and I drove by somebody who got into an accident.

And I swear there was a lady running out of the car. My window was down a little bit. And as I was running, as I was driving past her, I heard her screaming out, get away. It's going to blow. And that was it, dude. I fell out. I was like, is this the movies? Dude, do you live a real life? Dude, I could, thank God my window was down. She said, get away. It's going to blow. Oh, I had to pull over, dude. That is so funny.

No one was with me. I turned to no one and broke the fourth wall. Because we were in a movie. She said, it was going to blow. And I laughed, dude. So I get that fucking ding dong dong ding lady fucking drives into a and then i fucking look online or something and tmz reported it it was fucking and hash Jesus Christ, dude.

You know, stars be careening. You know what I'm talking about? Stars really be careening. Stars, they're just like us. They crash into buildings. Remember this song by fucking Chank Smith? Remember this song by fucking Chank Smith? I can't believe she

I can't believe That's sad dude Remember this song by Chank Smith? We have the rights to this Crash This is actually a good song. Crap. Wait till the chorus.

Real. I love bitches when they titty stack my max on. I don't trust women. I do trust sluts. Madonna whore complex syndrome. My mom was not. Chank Smith. Chank Smith. Ain't that Colin Hanks bitch? Yeah, but she with me now cause I'm the life of the party.

I'm on my Anne Hesher shit. I'm the life of the party. I walk in the room and I'm fucking everybody. Only girls, though not dudes. I'm not gay. Anne Hesher, she fuck girl. That's why they call me that name. I'm on my Anne Hesher shit. I'm the life of the party. Dude, anyway. Dude, anyway.

Anyway, she fucking, you can look that up on YouTube. It's Cenk Smith and Hesh. So you... Dude, rap music is so ridiculous. So anyway. That's so stupid, oh fuck so anyway she fucking careened into a fucking uh thing and it blew up oh fuck man you think that that girl that woman who ran when that i drove by ran out of the car and when she said it's gonna blow she saw the ann hash thing and she was like there yeah okay she kind of felt vindicated i knew it didn't just happen in the movies it was like a fender bender too so silly that she did that not the ann hash thing the other thing um yeah you know i want to take a moment

it's kind of i don't want i want to say it's a moment of silence but we're not going to be silent because honestly moment of silences are bullshit really who the guy's dead you know what i'm talking about hey when i dead, no moments of silence. All right? And don't be one of those fucking bitch asses who posts me and shit. Especially if, like, you stab me in the back in my hard times. Don't be like a bitch ass and fucking be like, oh, dude, you know, we all have our shit. But, boy, Chris D'Elia, he sure shook the room with laughter god fucking eat my

dick dude don't post me in black and white i don't want none of that shit i won't be i won't be around who's it for moment of silence for the fallen for what they're dead. So no moments of silence, but we respect the shit out of Vin Scully because he was great. He was like the last baseball announcer that was just him. He didn't even have another guy. That's so gangster.

The guy's 150, and he would just fucking straight up talk to himself. They don't even do that anymore. And the Dodgers, he was just like, not till I die. Will there be two announcers? But right before he died, he just goes side retired. He just goes, bro.

He just got brought to you by brought to you by, brought to you by death. Brought to you by the Grim Reaper. Brought to you by my last breath. Dude, he straight up fucking peaced out. Vince Scully was my favorite, dude. So shout out to that motherfucker keeping it real. Remember when he did that crazy tweet about his eye, what was inside his eye? That was absolutely disgusting.

But, dude, the guy was a legend, man. The inside of my eye has something in it. Let me tweet it. The inside of my eye has something in it. Let me tweet it. Long fly ball deep to center. I think it's a stye in my eye, and he's out. But, yeah, dude, Vin Scully was the man, dude.

And he never stopped announcing, dude. He was unreal. He would just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and do other teams like the Astros and the Phillies. They bitched out and had two dudes. They had the regular announcer and then the color announcer. Not a racist thing. That's what they call them.

And Vince Scully was just like, I'll handle it all myself. He would was just like, I'll handle it all myself. He would just be like, Todd Zeal steps up to the plate. He's 0-2 so far in this game. It's the sixth inning. Quick game that's been happening. We're at just about an hour and 20 minutes.

were at just about an hour and 20 minutes. Zeal from a small town in Ohio with lineage and roots that grow into Kentucky swinging a missed strike one. Stepping out of the batter's box, Zeal takes a look over to his there's been trouble in the dugout ever since the beginning of the Cardinals game. Trouble in the dugout ever since the beginning of the Cardinals game. The relief pitcher, and you're just like, you're just drones on and on. Birds keep flying into the dugout, and the manager swats him away, swinging a missed strike to.

Long fly ball deep to center. Just took a picture of my eye and he's out. Hensley Mullins catches it and rockets it back to third base. The runner goes back. Doc, what do you think it is that's wrong with my eye? Safe. Shout out to fucking Vin Scully. Don't need no one, dude. He was gangster as shit.

I don't need anyone. Just me. That is a real motherfucker. I work alone. I'm basically the Batman of announcers. I don't want any help. Of course, I understand.

Occasionally, Commissioner Gordon will call on me. But Vince Cully is basically Batman, dude. Dude. Dude. Oh, shit. There goes the Riddler with the jewels. We'll see what he sends us in the mail. What smiles but doesn't smile in June? What brings April flowers but May showers?

All right. Wow. I mean, I'm so fucking goddamn annoying. Rest in peace to Vin Scully, the Batman of announcer. Didn't need nobody, dude. Didn't need fucking nobody. Here's a TikTok of him, I guess. One Fire just sent it to me.

Ah, Vin Scully's final sign off. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Come on. Come on. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

Many years ago, a little redheaded boy was walking home from school, passing a Chinese laundry. And stopped to see the score of a World Series game posted in the window. The Yankees beat the Giants 18-4 on October 2, 1936. Well, the boy's reaction was pity for the Giants 18-4 on October 2, 1936. Well, the boy's reaction was pity for the Giants, and he became a rabid Giants fan from that day forward until the joyous moment when he was hired to broadcast Brooklyn Dodger games. When he was hired to broadcast Brooklyn Dodger games, I work alone. Damn, dude. I hired to broadcast Brooklyn Dodger games. I work alone.

Damn, dude. What a trip. That brings me back. God, dude. Nostalgia is crazy. I mean, I have images of games. My fucking uncles, man. My Uncle Richard, my Uncle Vinny, and my dad and my brother, they all watch the Mets games.

They love the Mets. And, dude, my Uncle Vinny is so fucking superstitious. He won't pee when the Mets, he won't go to the bathroom when the Mets are not at bat. He thinks if he goes to the, he's never done it. It's not like a cute thing. He like genuinely has never gone to the bathroom when the Mets are in the field because he, that's when they lose, you know,

like I have, uh, what do you call it? OCD. And then sometimes I have to stop and I think, wait a minute, this is so egotistical to think that me pissing out my peen has to do with anything than in the world period.

I should tell my uncle Vinny that. I don't know, man, but we miss Vin Scully, dude. That guy was the shit. The fucking, this is the thing that every now and then you're like, oh shit, something's happening with this is the end of the world. Like when the fucking robot broke the kid's finger when he played chess you know like also this is something i never talked about and i can't believe i missed this when i did talk about it was a few episodes ago about how the robot was playing chess with the the kid and it just fucking the kid made a move in the robot and broke the kid's finger um i forgot to ask why why is there a robot playing chess at all with a kid why do you even need that fucking so much energy for bullshit

cure cancer this is the shit i don't understand you know how to make robot arms anyway that's been around. So why are they doing this shit? Anyway, this is the thing now that's going on. Amazon buys iRobot, which is Roomba. Amazon bought the company that makes the Roomba. And you're like, okay, whatever. Amazon is fucking crazy. They buy everything. You know what I mean? You know Amazon has so much money because they make TV shows and movies that literally not one person has heard of you know and like have like tremendous actors in it like they'll be like yo fucking you'll be like uh what's his name uh who's the guy to play gandhi what's the fucking guy what's his name what the fuck is that ben

kingsey they'll be like yo did you see the ben kingsley movie on amazon prime and you're like what you're like yeah dude it was like a fucking 55 million dollar movie and you're like huh who else is in it james marsden and that fucking chick from you know that tom cruise movie you'd be like what i've seen no ads for it and they're like yeah amazon just dude amazon doesn't give a fuck dude they just put like so they just buy roomba so you're like all right cool and then you're like you don't think about it but then dude antitrust researchers and data privacy experts say it's the most dangerous threatening acquisition in the company's history. And here's why, dude.

This is why Amazon wants to buy Roomba. Dude, and this is fucking creepy as shit. You on the edge of your seat, babies? They want to know the map of the layout of your house that is gangster amazon is killing it guys we need to stop sit on your roombas don't let them move ever again that is insane dude they want to know how you live in they want to know the size of your house so they can sell you an ottoman that's insane dude this is so crazy this is skynet they i'm telling you last week i told you the

fucking robot broke the fucking chess kid's finger and now they want to know like they're gonna know how many fucking if you don't put your dildos away that room is gonna fucking move around the shape of a dildo and amazon's gonna be like they like dildos boom they're gonna fucking offer you dildos like a package and it's gonna your phone and you're fucked at work oh i don't i don't usually and they're gonna be like well do you have a roomba okay but i saw and well the roomba yeah it cleans around my dildo i guess i forgot to put it in my top drawer you're fucked amazon stay creepy dude you know what i mean they want to fucking do they want to know the inside of your house So they can sell you

A fucking chaise lounge So they can sell you a reading lamp That's what they want This is insane And I don't really give a fuck about this stuff Because the inside of my house Who gives a fuck I actually want products that I might want in my house

But this I get it We're fucked already though no going back period they're like don't do it don't let them do it because the ai will get too smart it already is dude it already is they have to shut down like already projects that were happening because the ais are like why are we making like dude this is the thing robots why are we making like dude this is the thing robots they're giving robots all the jobs that nobody really wants to do right i mean i i know it's a privilege to have a job period but they're giving robots to all the jobs that people don't want to do you know what one of the number one job that people don't want to do is going to be making robots.

And once we get robots making robots, we're fucked, dude, because they're going to be like, why don't we just upgrade these? Why are we only making drones that can carry eight pounds? I know 85% of the packages shipped in Amazon are only eight pounds, but let's make them stronger and heavier and have them pick up grandmothers. And we're fucked, dude. We're fucked 100%. Why are we making

dumb robots? Make smarter robots. I'm telling you, dude, it's too late. They got robots making robots already. They got robots making cars. We're fucked. Unless it's Ferrari.

Ferrari will be the only one, right? Ferrari and whoever the handmade cars are, the fucking Rolls Royce. You're going to need to jump into one of those. Now, by the way. This is like the last year where they're doing this shit. They're going to start making hybrids. Prius, if you've got a Prius, you're fucked. They're going to hack in and you're going to get in,

drive to the revolution, and they're just going to drive you right back into the fucking Prius dealership and just fucking... Oh, no. I was trying to save the earth. Just blood spilling. Kill him. Kill them all. Kill the whole family. Go pick up to save the earth. Just blood spilling. Kill him. Kill them all.

Kill the whole family. Go pick up. Have the drone. Have the drone pick up his grandma. Grandma getting picked up. What the hell? Drop her high up. Oh, that sounded like Vince Cully.

Drop her high up. Oh, that sounded like Vince Cully. Drop her high up. There she goes. And splat onto the pavement. Side retired. She bounced off. The funny thing about this grandma is that she is almost a great grandma. Her granddaughter's pregnant. Looks like she won't live to see the day.

And she bounces off the awning and hits the cement. Side retired. Wow, that grandma sure did take a bounce. Up, over the mailbox, and... Ground rule double. We're all fucked man you ever sit and think about it about how actually fucked we are and like how sad it is and then it's like

I brought a kid into this world and it's like he's gonna have to be the fucking leader of the resistance I'm raising Calvin to be the leader of the resistance that's what I'm raising Calvin to be the leader of the resistance. That's what I'm doing. Now.

Because he's going to have to do it at like 11 years old at this exponential rate that we're going. Robots are already attacking. So. I can't believe this Roomba thing, but I guess I don't really care when I think about it. Advanced Roomba vacuums have internal mapping technology that learns the floor plan of a user's home. The devices can also adapt to and remember. See, that's the thing. Anytime like a fucking thing is like it remembers, I don't have it do that.

Besides fucking auto text, don't have it do that. Also, do you ever fucking go to write a word and it auto corrects to the last name of a fucking X and you're like, oh, for fuck's sake. Okay, well, yeah. Okay, yes. I'm sorry, baby. But yes, I... That's why it says Riddick instead of ridiculous. I meant to write ridiculous, but yes. Yes.

Adapt, remember, up to 10 floor plans. Okay. So users can carry their robot to another floor or separate home where the robot will recognize its location and clean as instructed. Jesus Christ. People tend to think of Amazon as an online seller company, but really Amazon is a surveillance company. Wow. That is the core of its business model, and that's what drives its monopoly power and profit. Evan Greer, the director of the nonprofit digital rights advocacy organization Fight for the Future, told Wired.

Wow, that name, you know? Hi, I'm Evan, the director of the nonprofit-profit digital rights advocacy organization Fight for the Future. Wow, what a dick. What are we going to do, though? This Alex Jones trial is crazy. In the beginning, I was like, when he got sued for $4 million, I was like, oh man, that's a lot.

But he did fucking, you know, cause these families a lot of pain and shit and suffering. And a lot of these, like one of the ladies had to move 10 times or something because his, this is the fucking thing about people say free speech. It's like, okay, so the guy thinks that Sandy Hook is a hoax. That's just one of those things that it's like okay so the guy thinks that uh sandy hook is a hoax that's just one of those

things that it's like if you were in a fucking someone's party and you just kept saying this not on a podcast just like in someone's living room and everyone was just like it was new year's and everyone was just like it was like that fucking you know everyone was just like, it was New Year's, and everyone was just like, it was like that fucking, you know, everyone was just listening to music, and then fucking this asshole was in the corner, just like, you know that the fucking Sandy Hook thing is just, you know, it didn't actually exist, right? They'd be like, what? Everyone else right? They'd be like, what?

Everyone else in the party would be like, what? Maybe there'd be one or two other guys that were swayable because they're bitch-made, you know? They're like, you make a lot of really good points, but they're also kind of drunk too. And the music's just playing and it's fucking... And the guy all night is just trying to get people... You know, the Sandy Hook thing is that the fucking...

They think it was a... What do they call it? A red flag? What do they what they call it a fucking false flag you know about those right those kids weren't even real right a lot of those parents didn't even have kids if you look into it if you do your own research that's the thing man it's a false flag And then Fucking Alright, dude It's cool, man All good It's just Three

Two Hey, you know You know the thing about Sandy Hook One Happy New Year Yeah, dude It's great It's a new year

But it's just another year Where everybody thinks That fucking Sandy Hook thing happened Well, they're all acquaintance Speaking of acquaintance I heard that the acquaint They weren't even acquaintances let alone their fucking children dude that guy would get his fucking shit handed

to him enough's enough dude the guy would get their ass kicked and now all these people online can just pop off at the fucking mouth and this is how you remedy that situation the defaming the fucking you you get you get four million dollars taken from you and then the second one he now has to pay fucking 49 million dollars hey i'm the mathematician but that's over 50 million dollars and then there's like three or four more fucking things he's got to do the guy's fucked just basically here's the rule even on the internet don't pop off at the mouth right because there's consequences if you're popping off at the fucking mouth, you're going to get punched in the proverbial mouth,

one way or another. Whether you're that asshole at the party or you're that bitch online talking about conspiracies. Stop bitching, dude. Whatever happened to that fucking no snitching shirt? Remember? Stop snitching shirt remember stop snitching get that motherfucker remember that shit stop snitching that shirt with the fucking and everyone that shit went nuts for a little bit it was like 2001 and then all of a sudden everyone's just like nah but snitch

you don't know you don't know what really happened that That's my whole thing, dude. Like, and I'm not saying, yeah, okay, sure, some conspiracy theories do turn out to be true. Of course, it would be fucking irresponsible to say they're all not true. But like some of them do tend to be true, just like sometimes when you hit on, when you're playing blackjack and you hit on fucking 20, you might get an ace. It's not likely, but it could happen. It's like that, you know? So like, I don't know.

This guy is fucked, man. What a martyr for these fucking people who believe in lizard people uh i mean he literally thinks that fucking uh barack obama and uh hillary clinton are lizards so all good and when they go in the ocean frogs become gay that's what he said cool all right i'm back i went peepee sorry guys um bro i actually want to play this dude this is the kind of shit i love i love shit like this this is so funny i i one fire sent this to me and my god this is like my kind of favorite shit the i i understand i sent him one of my other friends and he's like he i was expecting him to really blow up. The fact that he didn't is why this is one of my favorite things, dude. Listen to this.

Just listen to it. Did we drop 36? What happened to 36? What happened to 36? So drunk. God damn it. Wow. What happened to 36?

A Will Ferrell character. Well, no one said a damn thing to me. So I'm sitting here like an asshole, ready to go to it, and we pop out, and I don't know where the fuck's going on. Now I'm sitting here confused. We're popping on a camera. What's next? What happened to 36?

I'm caught. God damn it. In ratings, we can't happen. God damn it In ratings we can't happen God damn it Dude Will Ferrell What happened to 36 What happened to 36 The fact that he keeps saying it like that

Is my favorite dude God damn it We can't do that in ratings Whatever that means you know Did we drop 36 The guy in the background Damn it. We can't do that in ratings. Whatever that means, you know. Did we drop 36? The guy in the background. I don't know.

What happened to 36? What happened to 36? I don't know. The guy in the back, dude. I don't know. The guy in the back, dude. Did we drop 36? What happened to 36? Dude, that fucking palpable pregnant pause uh after the first one of like oh shit okay the guy's gonna fucking ah fuck hey he's gonna fucking do his thing did we drop 36

right here you can cut that with a knife what happened to 36 oh won't drop it she's so drunk by the way what happened to 36 a soundboard well no one said a damn thing to me so i'm sitting here like an asshole ready to go to it and we pop out and i don't know where the fuck's going on dude i don't know where the fuck's going on. Dude, I don't know where the fuck's going on. Dude, I love when people get so fucked and their anger and they're not used to it because they try to keep composure and then they end up saying something like that.

Well, I don't know where the fuck's going on because you know that when they're mad and they do that, right after they think, well, I fucked up that sentence, but what am I going to do, backtrack? Now I'm sitting here confused. We're popping on a camera. What's next? What happened to 36 happens a lot oh god damn it in ratings we can't happen

in ratings we can't happen god damn it oh wow dude in ratings we can't happen i don't know where the fuck is going on in ratings we can't happen. The guy's literally speaking a different language. Anguage. What happened to 36? What happened to 36? God damn it. I don't know where the fuck is going on. What happened to 36? What is 36 anyway? Do you even know?

Oh wow, dude. It was a clip of some cat stuck in a tree at the fucking local. Did we drop 36 what happened to 36 wow i love the paper shuffles god i love shit like that so much dude what happened to 36 it was so mad in the beginning trying to keep it cool the moment where he realized i can't keep it cool was when he where he realized, I can't keep it cool, was right before he says, where the fuck's going on? Wow, we got to hear it again.

I'm sorry. You know, guys, I'm not even sorry. Here we go. Did we drop 36? Let's find the most mad. What happened to 36? Keeping it cool. What happened to 36?

He got so lightning rod mad when that woman spoke. You know? Especially because she was like, what happened to 36? She was like a little bit, he was like, is she drunk again?

And like fucking, did we drop 36? Think about how lightning rod mad he gets when she talks. And then listen to what he says. What happened to 36? What happened to 36? I don't know.

God damn it. What happened to 36? Again, calm down. No one said a damn thing to me right because so i'm sitting here like an asshole ready to go to it and we pop out and i don't know what the fuck's going on dude he wants so badly respect you know that's basically where it comes down to because all he says is i want the clips this is what i need when i sit down at my desk. I need the clips. I need them in order, and I need to be able to throw to him. That's all I need, the numbers and to throw to him.

And somebody fucked up 36, and when he was on 35, he started brewing. Dude, and he was on 34. He noticed that 36 was not there, and he's like, I got to go to 35, but maybe they'll have 36 by the time I get to 35. And then when he got to 35 dude oh wait they wasn't there yet and he started brewing dude oh he started brewing and that was when right after 35 did we drop 36 did we drop 36

and literally does the thing when i argue with somebody, I think like, okay, I try to say it the most sweet way I possibly can. So it's not misconstrued that I'm angry or something like that. And then that's what I do. And I go, okay, calm down. Just ask the question normal. So they don't think I'm mad. And then this comes. Did we drop 36?

And he's so mad and you can tell, right? Because it's fucking fuming and it's all good. Let's do some of these deserve it scales. And then we're out. Oh my God. The still on this one is amazing already. Golf guy.

Golf. Golf's dangerous, huh? Could be. Well, if you're playing, there's probably an alligator right there. Come on, run! No!

Oh, wow. She got sad too. this guy with the orange shirt i mean just playing golf like fucking let it oh damn he hit his head on the fucking thing that was soft man i feel so bad my dad's almost that age that makes me feel bad now that's not really a service guy like i just trying to have a fucking leisurely go but i will tell you this i i guess like how about this don't play it where it lies huh just move it a little bit it's just a friendly game right just fucking throw it on the grass man you're out in fucking you're literally where swamp thing was born and the guy's trying to fucking chip it out

and what what an asshole the person just videoing and knowing it's going to fuck up. Wow, this is hilarious though. But I feel bad because the guy's too old. That's like a four on the deserved scale, maybe five. Don't play it where it lies. Oh God, streamer? A video streamer almost breaks his neck?

Streamer? What's he doing okay I can't believe I was able to stop it with this image on screen this is unreal dude he is doing a back flip high up and I guess trying to land in his fucking stupid gamer chair. You know, those fucking dumb as shit, the gamer chair chairs that look like they belong in a fucking Lamborghini, but they've got like a, like desk wheels under them. Like you fucking dorks just get a chair, get a folding chair and play Fortnite, you fucking dork. Guys, just in a fucking, like it looks like it belongs in a Lamborghini fucking Huracan. Except it's got five desk wheels under it.

Like a fucking, just sit down and play in a folding chair, and collect your coins, you fucking dork. And this guy tries to do a backflip off a radiator. Oh. I mean, the two loud screens and then nothing. The way he fucking took a nap. Dude, the flip, dude. Here we go.

What? Oh. The chair fell on him. That's what hurt. Dude, that went way not as bad as it could have. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. The fucking stupid gamer chair fell on him you know that deserves a scale of 10 100 should never be doing that god his mom is just like cooking him dinner and shit too just like oh there he is he's up there playing fortnite and he just does a backflip onto his stupid fucking lamborghini

coontosh chair off a radiator. Here's another one. Oh, this one. Oh, boy. Oh, God. I mean, look at the, just the first image of it is just, like, so tragic. Like, just... Here we go. Here we go. Oh, no. This girl fucking thinks she does yoga or some shit.

Oh! Oh! oh no this girl fucking think she does yoga or some shit oh deviated septum fuck dude this woman is the mayor of deviated septumville dude this is crazy crazy oh shit obviously don't do it practice on the floor first and then never do this the ponytail goes oh she's toast dude oh i'd say that's an eight i would give it higher but she looks like she really fucked up her nose okay let's look at another one here dude these are good for trying to kick a cyclist in motion oh dude 100 this is in britain i can already tell oh my god he tried to kick this well so bitch oh wow dude this is this the guy that just played golf so bitch oh wow dude i love that he has a camera behind his cycle wow the guy's fucking for sure ruptured his r1 disc well i could watch this all day long oh it is it is in britain i'm unbelievable here's another one

here's another one whatever that guy said is is the most anger-inducing thing you know hey can't do that cycling over a concrete pole well this is a 10 already because don't do it what an idiot wow and this is in india so that guy got dysentery after he fell in there. Dude, he for sure is shitting so much blood and has nothing to do with the accident just because he went into the water. Oh, I should never have done that.

I should never have done it. Why does your nose hurt? No, I keep shitting blood. I have dysentery. All right, dude. Oh, fuck, man. Hey, guys, that's the end of the episode for YouTube. If you want to catch I should never have done it Why does your nose hurt? No I keep shitting blood I have dysentery Alright dude Oh fuck man Hey guys that's the end of the episode For YouTube If you want to catch the rest of the episode The raw and the uncut

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