Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 268. Mommy's Boy

Episode Date: August 18, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia 👉 Thank you Shipstation! Sign up using promo code CONGRATS for a FREE 60-day trial today at ShipStation.com. 👉 Thank you BetterHelp! Get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/congratulations This week Chris talks about lost luggage, moments of silence, and offers his thoughts on the movie Infinite starring Mark Wahlberg. Plus we've got Deserve It Scale videos and Tinder conversations. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Hi guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. It is time to almost hit the road. What is it? It will be when this comes out the 17th and 18th. Patreon 17th. And then for YouTube the 18th. And the next weekend after that I am going back.

I already did Phoenix. But I'm going. I'll have my out-of-state shows. I did, I'm going to Dallas, Grand St. Prairie. Grand, what the fuck? Grand St. Prairie. Too many words in that. Yeah, boy.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo. So we're doing that. Tickets at chrislea.com. It's basically Dallas, I say Dallas because Grand St. Prairie, it takes two, that's a mouthful, right? That's like the movie The Englishman that Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain. They got the nerve to fucking name it that. The Hugh Grant movie, The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain. The nerve, dude.

And also the nerve, but also so fucking like in your face symbolic. They should have just called that movie Symbolism. The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain. When I first heard that preview, I was like, oh, this fucking title, when does it stop? Just call it The Englishman, right? Much more palatable. So I started, I'm doing Dallas. and then i'm doing uh wichita and i can't get it out of my head that every time i say wichita i go wichita where the bt bt bt k killer was

stationed like he's a fucking um what do you call it army guy uh no but wichita and then i got uh atlanta and then i got savannah georgia i've got washington dc the dar center or whatever the fuck it's called and um doesn't really work as a what do you call it the letters all together d-a-r dar kind of sounds like something that somebody really dumb would say there are uh and then savannah and then uh peoria boston i got a bunch of different dates so go to crystalia.com and uh figure that out oh great this is fucking it all up um and so that and then also we got the life rip shit out you know we got this got this shit, the periwinkle shits. And because fall's coming, man. Get them hoodies.

We got the life rips worldwide. We got all that shit and different shirts and hats. And we've got the new whatever. It is what it is. Go fucking peruse chrislea.com for ticket tour dates and shit. I'm adding also other shows. So anyway, dude, I'm back. By the way, I was out of town this past weekend. I was in the, what do you call it?

I was in Seattle. I was close to Seattle. It was like Woodland or Woodbridge, Wood something, some fucking wood thing. And I was doing it for my cousin's wedding. My cousin got married and it was a beautiful thing now he's 30 i think because it's 12 years younger than me yeah he's 30 and he got married he wore a fucking nice blue suit he was killing it looking real handsome and uh he's got really long hair

like fucking jason momoa and um and i and i and he texted me like his outfit like his tux when he went to or his suit whatever when he was going to get married and i wrote i can't believe you're waiting till the last and i texted him back i can't wait i can't believe you're waiting till the last fucking minute you're waiting so long to get fucking uh get your haircut before your wedding because like it was like obviously you got to cut your hair for your wedding because it's too long so that's a little family humor for you guys um just a little family humor a little family humor just joking around um and uh and he laughed you, uh, and he laughed, you know what I mean? And then he said, really, thank you so much for coming to the wedding. And I said, who's this? So, you know, just a little family humor, you know, and he said, that always gets me. And I go, you know, it's beautiful. Um, so yeah,

so we had a good, we had a good time. We were up there, you know, took the whole family up there, the whole family, uh, meaning my dad and my mom and everybody, just Kristen and my, my, my son went up there, put him in a little suit and, uh, dude, I was just fucking, we were in a, in the middle of a, a field. I don't even know. It was like called the wedding place or some shit. We, we got an Airbnb now. Whoopsie Daisy. My mom got it now. Whoopsie Daisy. It was too far away, but it's all good. Now it was too far away, but it's all good. It was too far away from the fucking wedding and it's all good. Whoopsie Daisy. But my mom, but it's all good. It was too far away from the fucking wedding and it's all good. Whoopsie daisy,

but my mom, dude, this is fucking going down. Yes, dude. It keeps going down. Yes, dude. It's like a fucking bone dog when it's done. You know what I'm talking about? And it keeps on kind of,

fuck yeah, man. I don't like it. Got to move over a little bit. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. and to the left back and to the left like fucking that movie jfk uh so what was i talking about fuck yeah i went to um the my for the audio listeners the microphone was going down and it was doing it like a bone doggie i'm not sure if i could say the word b-o-n-e

blank you know what comes next because i don't know if they'll age restrict me on the fucking youtube shits because they do that when you say stuff about penises but you can say penis so it's all good man anyway nothing sexual just talking science back to the seattle thing of woodland or where the fuck it was so i was there um and uh hell yeah dude we're keeping it real like this so i was there doing it and And my mom got an Airbnb. Now it was an hour away from the rehearsal dinner. Yes, she did it too far. And it was an hour and 15 minutes away from the wedding.

Yes, and it was too far. And I said, now, mom, why did you get it so far? And she said, because it's closer to Aunt Michelle and Uncle Mike. It's 15 minutes away from them. And I said, oh, really? That's cool. But why did you get it close to them? He said, so we could be near them. Did we even see them once in the trip at their house?

No. So did it make them? He says, so we could be near them. Did we even see them once in the trip at their house? No. So did it make sense? Fuck no, dude. But can I get mad at my mom without getting in trouble? No. Yes, dude. So deeper. And no matter what I do, if I pipe up to mommy, I get my ass handed to me.

Yes. So we chill. And we hang out in Woodlandland and woodbridge or where the fuck we were and i took pictures of fucking different beautiful things it's very green out there calvin wanted to run all over in the poison ivy uh he fell in something that looked like poison ivy i waited about a day wasn't sure if it was poison ivy it wasn't poison ivy one for chris zero for nature um so my son didn't get poison ivy or he's immune maybe he's an x-man and um and and we were there and we got to the airbnb it looked beautiful from the outside from the inside the bones were fucking stupid the bones of the house were stupid yay and my mom was complaining about the bones of the house yay dude mom was like oh i don't like the bones of this house

But you know it could be beautiful Yay dude my mom talked so much And then we did directions dude and I had to drive Yay dude they started me into driving Yay Oh man cause my dad's getting up there My dad's getting up there My mom's getting up there

They're in their mid 70's now technically And we were too far away so we had to fucking do it on google maps and the fucking guy first of all my dad has the english guy do the directions which is so weird just use the person that comes with the shit every fucking buddy on google always has the lady that's just like take a left on robertson but my dad's is like a fucking two you're gonna you're gonna pass the first line and then you go to the second line you're gonna take a right i don't know governor and i'm like dad why did you change it and of course he didn't answer the first time

yes yes i'm driving i'm driving and i fucking said dad why didn't you change why did you change it when he fucking didn't answer yes and i was loud enough dude and so i said dad why didn't you change? Why did you change it? Oh, and he fucking didn't answer the first time. Yes. And I was loud enough, dude. And so I said, dad, why didn't, why did you change it? And he said, the most my dad shit ever, dude. He said, because I like it better. Not good enough. Be more specific. We got an hour to get to the fucking place.

Why are we so far away? We were so far away, dude. And Kristen goes up to get ready for fucking place why we're so far away we were so far away dude and kristen goes up to get ready for bed because i was downstairs what i used to call downstairs daddy you when i was a kid it was one of my first words so i was daddy you and fucking um and dude my uh i was doing uh we were i was watching you know what i did every night which was cute dude i'm cute as shit man i was watching seinfeld and friends with my every night, which was cute? Dude, I'm cute as shit, man. I was watching Seinfeld and Friends with my mommy. We watched two episodes of Seinfeld and two episodes of Friends. Didn't we even watch the Golden Girls?

Man, I'm fucking cute. I was watching it with my mommy. So, and this is how the bed always goes. Kristen gets tired, she goes upstairs. My dad gets tired, he goes upstairs. My mom rides it out with me though, dude. My mom rides it the fuck out. And then she goes to bed and then I sit and I watch a little bit of Friends and I realize I'm lonely. And then I go upstairs, I go to bed.

So that's how it goes. And I'm just spitting facts right now, dude, but that's how it goes. So I'm watching Friends and Golden Girls and Seinfeld with my mommy. I watch it with my dad. My dad was watching Friends and he says, still funny. And then I watched Seinfeld with my mommy. I watched it with my dad. My dad was watching Friends and he says, still funny. And then I watched Seinfeld and then he went upstairs and we watched Seinfeld

with my mom. And my mom, Crystal, went up to bed and when she goes up to bed, I go, Christopher, come here right now. And I go,

heart palpitating. Heart absolutely beaten. PTSD activated. Fight or flight mode. I say, is everything okay? She says, yes, but you've got to see this. Quells a little bit, still activated. Okay.

I go over to the stairs and she says, look at this. And I see a spider that she wants me to kill, but I probably need a bow and arrow. Dude, you know, when people are like, I never like when people are like, dude, I saw a spider and you're like, how big was it? It was like huge like that. And it never looks big when they fucking do it with their hand. Right. And cause then you're like you're always like, the body or with the legs or what? And they're like, well, the body was this and the legs was this. You're like, well, were the legs thin or were they furry? You know what I'm talking about?

Be fucking more specific. I don't do this. This is how big the spider was. So I'm going to tell you right now, you know how big the spider was? Too big. And it was big and then the legs went. Okay? was too big and it was big and then the legs went okay and it was at the fucking top step not the floor part but the next step so it had just started its journey downstairs to eat us obviously okay or it wanted to watch friends we got the fucking friends watching spider coming down he heard

fucking uh chandler like you know could i be any more angry? And the friends are, ooh, his friend's on? The fucking spider's like, ooh, his friend's on? They heard fucking George Cassandra's like, Valtteri, I don't know. And the spider's like, ooh, ooh, I got to see it. They heard Estelle Getty be like, well, that's because you're a fucking bitch or whatever. And then the fucking spider came down. He likes to watch the Golden Girls, whatever. But it was too big, dude.

When you see a spider that big, you realize it's naked. You know what I'm talking about? It doesn't have clothes on. It's so big. Wear clothes. Put four pair of pants on. So it came down, bro. It was so big.

It looked like I should play Frisbee golf with it. And then also the Frisbee had legs on it. I mean, it was so big, dude. So she says, you you gotta kill it and i go but i've got arachnophobia i've got a touch of arachnophobia so i say oh oh like you know when someone tells you to do something you're just so cocksure it's not gonna happen right like you fucking are one of the cogs in Minority Report. And you're reporting to her, oh, well, that's actually not what the future holds, though. Do you have a fucking flamethrower?

How do I kill this spider without burning the whole house down? Okay? I mean, this spider was so big i had knees so i was like oh i can't do this and then she says come on you got to do it you're the man and i say not in this house i say dad you got to kill this spider i will not have it any other way she's like hold on let me plug it in on google maps and i hear tycon ron at the stack ice guy wanted a fucking stump stay ah he says i'm coming i'm coming and then i literally grabbed calvin's shoe because i feel you know when like one of the biggest mistakes you can make but when killing a spider is grabbing something too big people think

you need a big thing so you get a lot of area like fucking to smash it, right? But it's always in a corner of the spider, right? Because the evolution taught them to be crafty. It's always in the corner like this and you got to put the book up on the wall and slide it up like that. Like you're opening a window from fucking 1975. And so I say, I grab Calvin's shoe.

Kristen looks at me like I'm the spider. Like, what the fuck? She says, you need a bigger shoe. It was like Jaws. We're going to need a bigger boat. And I was like, really? So I give my, my dad walks up and he's smiling. He's like, where is it?

And I say, here. And I give him options. I give him Calvin's converse and your boy's fucking Yeezy. Okay. I give him my Yeezy. I don't want him to use my Yeezy because I'm like, you're going to miss it, dude. Don't use the Yeezy. You're going to miss it.

It's too big. It's got a size 13, man. And he says, give me that one about mine. And I give it to him and I'm like, you're going to fuck this up. And he does it, dude. He fucking smashes the spider and he did the good thing he dragged it he smashed it and dragged it and then um the spider was dead and it was great and all is well so i was fucking you know i got a touch of erectophobia so i watched a little bit of more friends and golden girls with mommy and

then i went back upstairs to bed, checked the fucking thing for spiders, slept, all good. Woke up the next morning in the Airbnb too far away and I'm chilling, right? And I hear my son, I want bacon, I want bacon. I come down and my son's like, sing the bacon song. And I'm like, what have I missed?

And my mom sings a bacon song that's like, bacon, bacon. And Calvin's laughing just like I did right there. And then Calvin says, pop, pop, you do it to my dad. And my dad says, you want me to sing a bacon song? And he says, yeah. And my dad goes, bacon, bacon, who's making bacon? Dude, didn't even try. Just said a sentence and stuttered, dude.

Bacon, bacon. Who's making bacon? So now my dad's going bacon, bacon. Who's making bacon? Way too much, dude. You know how toddlers are like, do it again, do it again, do it again. My dad will do it until the toddler tires out. My dad, do you think I wrote a joke into the ground? Oh my God. My dad right now is doing bacon, bacon, just making, who's

making bacon to my, to fucking my mom probably. Add lyrics, you know, Calvin's coming over soon. Calvin's going to come over this week and I got a new, I got another fucking stanza. So I'm coming down and then I eat, we eat breakfast and it's too cold because your boy wakes up late as shit dude that's what he does I mean my fucking wife woke me up at the crack of 10 and it's just like my dad was up till at six because he's got anxiety or some shit you know he walks around too loud you know making coffee I don't know what the fuck kind of coffee he makes coffee with a jackhammer so I got so we were hanging out for a little bit I say you know, making coffee. I don't know what the fuck kind of coffee. He makes coffee with a jackhammer. So I got, so we were hanging out for a little bit and I say, you know what I'm going to do before the fucking rehearsal dinner. I think it was before the wedding day. I was like, I'm

going to go get coffee. I'm going to get some fucking tacos. I'm going to bring them back. I'm going to get coffee. I'm going to get tacos. I'm going to bring them back. Cause we're not going to eat for a long time. I know, I know how time works about how the fucking, you know, like, you know how like you get up and you're like well we got somewhere to be so don't fill yourself up i don't dude fuck all that that anybody who tells you well we're gonna eat later so don't you know be kidding well oh dude you're never promised anything though you understand shit gets pushed back people are late you're not gonna be eaten till oh and i, we're going to eat at the wedding. Oh, the wedding's at fucking, by the way, four.

No, no, sorry. The wedding's at four. We got to leave at 2.30. We're not going to leave till three. We're going to be late. And then you don't get to eat right away, right? You got to sit through the wedding, right? And then get away for the cocktail or they're going to sell like hors d'oeuvres.

And what are the hors d'oeuvres going to be? They're going to be bullshit, right? cocktail or they're gonna sell like hors d'oeuvres and what are the hors d'oeuvres gonna be they're gonna be bullshit right like the only thing that's gonna be of sustenance really are like fucking some like dumplings and you're not gonna get many of them because that's gonna be the hot shit that everybody's gonna be eating so you're gonna be like where the dumplings for like you can just be sitting with like a quiche a brie quiche and you're like this doesn't fill me up i ate six brie quiches and i want the hot shit but everyone's eating the dumplings right the girl who works at fucking spotify ate them all

or whatever the fuck so you're like okay well shit man i'm going to get tacos and my mom's like well you might not want to fill up and i go i i live moment to moment dude okay it's i live moment to moment and yes i used to live moment to moment more And that's how I fucking had my whole life unravel And now I fucking kind of breathe through it But when it comes to eating I live fucking moment to moment I get why people think I'm on cocaine

But um I'm not And uh So I go to get the tacos And I get the fucking coffee. Coffee's real nice. Four shots of espresso. I should do a fucking like a review, coffee review, like how that guy does the one bite pizza. I should do the coffee show where I come out and drink the coffee.

And if I did it and I would have fucking, what was it called? Sidekicks coffee in wherever the fuck would bridge woodland. I don't know. And it was good, dude. And you had a good four shots of espresso. I got a chai for my mom. And then got wow he's a mama's boy he's a mommy's boy dude and uh and then i got i think a mocha hot thing for my wife it doesn't matter picked up some fucking coconut pastries you know how i do it love coconut flavored shit when it comes to dessert

when it doesn't come to dessert and when it comes to meals i'm out count me the fuck out straight up coconut rice the fuck out of here they had coconut rice at the wedding i ate it but i didn't really want to coconut macaroons it's like that drake meme dude you know coconut rice coconut macaroons or whatever the fuck it is with the big ass puffy jacket you know missy miss the minute elliot so and then i come back with the coffees and tacos and i'm gonna take a shower and i go up and i take a shower and guess what dude i pull back the curtain the spider's brother so what does this mean nobody's safe okay it's at least as big but it also means that my mom lied to me growing up and said, if you see one spider, you're not going to see another one for a while.

That's what she said, dude. My mom would say shit like that. And then I say it real, like in real life out as an adult. And somebody says, I don't think that's true. And I said, no, no, no, it's true. And then I realized, oh, my mom was just pacifying me. I told it to Kristen. I was like, dude, if you see another spider You're not going to see another spider for a long time

They don't travel like that She was like, that's the exact opposite of the truth And I go, Wee Bay meme Oh, I was had The fucking spider's brother Is in the tub, dude, chilling, just like this, and I go, ah, fuck, that's how I react when I see a spider, always, I can't help it, that's what I do, I don't scream like a bitch, I don't fucking jump, I go, ah, fuck,

jump i go ah fuck because the world the world got me didn't it oh you got me oh you just got me oh it just got me the qvc guy who fucking banged the samurai on the desk and then it poked his liver a piece of that just got me and then the fucking da bears guy comes out we're gonna take a break oh it just got me like wants to scream so bad but just oh a piece of that just got me so um god i love you guys i love that you know what i'm talking about because i've talked about it so much in this podcast i don't really want to be making sense you know i just want to be talking in my language and have you guys understand. And they say it ain't a cult, dude. A piece of that just got me. So now the spider's brother shows up, dude. And I go, God damn it. And I'm pissed and I'm scared, but I'm also upset that I realized my mommy has lied to me about the spiders and not traveling together.

And I've even seen the movie Arachnophobia and there's so many spiders together. And movies tell the truth. So I say, oh, no, dad, you got fucking got you got it. Dad, you got to fucking get the Yeezys. And he goes, OK, let me put it into Google Maps. Take a right, go see your pussy son and get a fucking Yeezy shoe. Take a right out the bathroom.

Look in the tub. So he gets the thing and he kills it. The second, now he's a fucking, he's a spider killer right now he's like you know he's like legit right so he kills a spider and then i go thanks and then i go all right i'm gonna take a shower and then i realize there's maybe more spiders around and i say dad i'm just gonna use your shower like a fucking bitch and he laughed dude and i did i used his and i took the towel and i shook it out before just

in case a fucking spider fell out spider's body just fucking fell out and i took the shower and then and then i looked back into and i shit you not the shower i was gonna use with the spider in it there was another spider and that is not a lie dude that was the third spider i've saw now that was a small spider. But that one actually looked like a black widow. And I called my dad, and he fucking got that one too. I'm a three times, dude. Woo!

You got to bleep that out probably. Yeah. So anyway, dude, like too many spiders. I saw also other spiders like outside. Just too many, man. Clean it up. And that's the thing about Airbnbs, dude and that's the thing about airbnbs dude that's the thing about airbnbs and i'm not gonna do airbnbs anymore because when you go to an airbnb you go into a fucking dormant place with like spiders or wherever the fuck you are lizards and shit

are like when you when families leave they're oh shit, this has been quiet for a while. And then they go in and then some dumb ass family comes in like three weeks later and just shakes the room up. And the spiders are like, what the fuck is going on? It's like that scene in fucking lion King where they're all, you know, showing the new King, the circle of life. And you're just trying to take a shower And you got fucking two eight-leggers Just looking up at you This is our fucking place There's nothing better

Or whatever the lyrics are It probably should just be that It probably is that The circle of life There's nothing better Than the circle of life Just fucking arachnids and lizards and shit looking at you There's a koala peeking out of the fucking cabinet

A crocodile in the pantry A weemawit, a weemawit No, that's not fucking whatever it is. And so I'm fucking scared in this Airbnb. And I went to the fucking wedding. I went to the wedding and it was cool. And then right as the guy took,

the officiant took the fucking, whatever you call it, place, he was like, we're here. Let's give a moment of silence or some shit. There was some moment of silence. You know, they do that at weddings. They're like, we're here. Let's give a moment of silence or some shit. There was some moment of silence.

You know, they do that at weddings. They're like, this couple is going to be married. So let's just not talk for 40 seconds. And you're just like, what? Did like soldiers die? Let's just respect this family and let's not, and let's just keep our traps shut. And we're going to do it for 40 seconds.

And everyone just does it, dude. Nah! Me in the back. Let's practice touching our top lips to our bottom lips. For the respect of the family. We'll do it for a minute and a half. Everyone just sitting there sweltering in the heat. Me in the back.

What? So we did it. And when we did it, as soon as the silence started, Calvin says, let's go home. Real loud. I laughed hard. Little rumblings of laughter. And then afterwards, that's all everyone was talking about. I was like, well, then what was the fucking laughter, asshole?

Right? And the ducks, too. It was Calvin and the ducks. The ducks were in the lake. Just like, mink, mink, mink, mink, mink like let's go home and i'm like buddy i feel you but congratulations to my cousin love you uh you got married now both my cousins are married i'll get my babies so uh yeah man so there's love in the air man everyone's getting married everyone's getting married because of fucking covid on all the dates you know know, got all pushed back. Ooh, get your shit

pushed in. Anytime someone says the word push, I think of that. All good. Thanks, training day. And so, ooh, get your shit pushed in. That's one of the top moments of any cinematic fucking, any cinematic moment of all time. I mean, unbelievable. Oh, I saw

Infinite, dude. Oh, I saw Infinite, dude. Oh, I saw the movie Infinite. Oh, I saw the movie Infinite. Oh, I saw the movie Infinite. And you're probably thinking, what's that movie? And the reason why you're thinking it is the same reason why I'm talking about it in this cadence, because it's so bad, and that means no one saw it. It's so bad. What's the movie? Well, it's Mark Wahlberg and the guy from 12 Years a Slave and some chick. a slave, and some chick.

Saw it. It's bad. Yo, it's got 16% on Rotten Tomatoes, and people will be like, well, was that the audience score or the critics' score? And to that I'd say, who gives a fuck? It was so bad, dude.

I couldn't even believe it. Mark Wahlberg is, first of all, Mark Wahlberg is a fine actor. And I will tell you this, there have been movies where he's been great. Great, actually. And there has been movies where he's been bad. And that's fine.

Those are my favorite kind of actors, as a matter of fact. Because it means what? They're taking chances. Or they're bad and they have good directors either way i don't care so i'm watching this movie and i know mark walberg is capable of being a really great actor but what he's not capable of doing is being a really good voiceover actor dude they have voiceover in the movie, and he's just like, they say that when you want to be living, when you die, you go to a place,

and they say that actually what happens, and everything was, and they say that, and some people, and they're called the nihilists, and the other people are called the people that want to live. They're the believers and the nihilists.

And when you die, you don't just die. And you're just like, oh, use Morgan Freeman. I don't even give a fuck. Have Morgan Freeman still be that character. Just don't have Mark Wahlberg do the voiceover too. Morgan Freeman could pop on and be like, hi, just so you know, I'm still the Morgan Freeman character. But we couldn't have Mark Wahlberg do this because it's so fucking weird when he does voiceovers watch this and then mark walberg will come on and be like because there's

nihilists and there's also believers and then morgan freeman would be like see dude oh it's bad it's so bad dude and antonio fuqua whatever the fuck his name is dude anthony fuqua is fucking directed it and he did training day macho man randy savage dude i just realized it's like macho man Randy Savage, dude. In the scene in the bathroom where they're holding the guns on fucking Ethan Hawke. Get the guy. Fucking he comes in with a shotgun. It's Macho Man Randy Savage.

It's not even the Mexican guy and the fucking wife, Peter. It's Macho Man Randy Savage with the fucking bandanas around his biceps for some reason. Why was that a thing? Whoa, you get your shit pushed in. So how much is fucking what's his name,

Macho Man Randy Savage going to have a clip that goes super viral in the next few months and it's going to be, see? How much is Macho Man Randy Savage going to have a clip that goes viral in a few months and the fucking the top of it's going to be like uh macho man randy savage knew all along and it's going to be something for the

90s and he's going to say something about fucking current times i don't need any of you guys i'm having a blast dude i fucking love it man, I watched Infinite, and holy fucking shit, 16% on Rotten Tomatoes, whether it's the critics or whether it's the audience, doesn't matter. How did it get 16%? Should have had less. How? I'll tell you right now.

Chinese people in China watching it. That is the only kind of person who would like that movie, and I don't mean it to be racist. I just mean shit's different over there, and they like fucking cars blasting into outer space and shit. That's why F fucking 10 or Fast and the Furious,

the most Fast and the Furious movie, they blasted a car into outer space and Chinese people were just like, in China. Chinese got moves here, they realize that's bad. So I'm watching this fucking movie, Infinite,

and holy shit, Mark Wahlberg should never do voiceover acting. And he knows it, but he did it. And I hope he made a fucking pretty penny off this shit. And then they got that another guy fucking Chitwalt Chinadu in it. And then they got some chick. I love when they get like a really famous dude in a movie. This is when you know a movie is going to be bad.

I will tell you right now. You get an A-list actor as the lead. an A-list actor as the lead. And then as the second lead, you get a guy that nobody knows their name, but they know their face. Okay? Like the Chinadel Chitwell guy or whatever the fuck.

The guy who was in 12 Years a Slave. But that's not all. Then, to make sure that it's a box office disaster, you get, for the third lead, some chick. Right? Like, not Ana de Armas.

Not fucking even Selena Gomez. Not fucking, uh, what's her name? Salma Hayek, only naming Latinas. But fucking someone who's literally some chick, and you're like, who the fuck is this and then you google it and she was in like fucking season two of the tutors and you're like oh she's british

bro this movie is so funny it's one of those movies where they're just like two people like meet each other and already they're just like off to the races in in like they're like in the eighth year of their relationship where they just say stuff like you know what i always thought was funny and you're just like what you just met this motherfucker and there's definitely that line i don't know if there is or not because i wasn't paying attention all the time but when they say shit like you're either the smartest guy i've ever met or the craziest son of a bitch that has ever lived. And then the next guy's like, both. So you must be a nihilist.

Bro, this movie is such a rip of The Matrix. And I don't like saying that, dude, because every movie is a rip from everything and it doesn't matter. And dude, get that money. Fucking repurpose shit. I don't give a fuck. Like people are like, oh, dude, this movie is fucking great. It reinvented the wheel. No, it didn't. Dude, Infinite is the second worst movie of all time. Second to the new Matrix. Here's why. Because it, well, it basically tries to be the Matrix and in a horrible way. Dude, they have the fucking other guy who's the black guy in it.

And Mark Wahlberg is this guy who doesn't know who he is. And they're trying to tell him he's the guy to save the fucking world. And Mark Wahlberg's like, no, I'm not. And then there's like a fucking chick that's the Trinity girl who kicks ass. And then he has to practice fucking martial arts in this thing with a guy that doesn't like him for some reason or doesn't believe that he's the one just right off the bat that's one of my favorite thing that movie is the like a guy the lead will meet another guy with a beard and he'll be like i don't know i just don't like him just because he's a beard and that guy always dies and at the end right before he

dies he's like i actually like you anyway man this movie dude he fucking takes a motorcycle oh let me just explain this shit before i get into it i know i'm heavy on the fucking infinite talk because four of you have seen it but dude basically everyone keeps no there's a few people in the world that have been destined to reincarnate. They don't die. They die, but their soul goes to another body, and they just keep going. The only way to kill them is to use this gun with these special bullets that the fucking 12 Years a Slave guy has. And he wants to kill all the infinites because he is an infinite, and he hates being an infinite, and nobody should be an infinite because you just have to be reborn and you remember all your past lives and it's fucking shitty.

And so there's an egg that they have to get that will destroy all of humanity and the world and it will ruin everyone's life because there won't be life on Earth anymore and all the infinites will die. OK, now he's trying to get this egg for this to happen because he doesn't want this infinite shit to work anymore. And as he's fighting everybody, when he comes across an infinite, he tries to shoot him with these bullets. And what happens at the end is Mark Wahlberg wins, obviously, by shooting the fucking 12 Years a Slave guy with that special bullet. And he dies and you're like, oh, good. Now he saved the world. Wait a minute. Why didn't the fucking 12 Years a Slave guy just shoot himself?

He would have put himself out of the misery the whole movie falls apart just kill you guy at the end me and the fucking dude I was watching my buddy we go oh what the fuck and Mark Wahlberg's like

guess he was a nihilist dude there's one scene where they he shoots his bullet in the back of Mark Wahlberg's like, guess it was the nihilist. Dude, there's one scene where he shoots his bullet in the back of Mark Wahlberg's head. And Mark Wahlberg turns around and says, I'm disappointed in you. You knew I had a metal plate in my head from my car accident. And pulls the bullet out. Hey, a metal plate can't stop a fucking bullet. Ah. The screenwriter's like I mean what the fuck dude

The screenwriter's just like Uh metal plate They go like this Metal plate and then they go Ah ha ha ha I just put it in You gotta check this movie out dude When you thought life Was over You gotta check this movie out, dude.

When you thought life was over. But there's more lives to live if you're an infinite. There are nihilists. There are believers. At war. I really don't think I'm the guy. You're the guy. Mark Wahlberg and the guy from 12 Years a Slave and some chick in

Infinite. A movie that they tried to bury by having it come out streaming during COVID. So they couldn't actually... So they could hide behind the fact that it bombed. Did it bomb or was it COVID though? Gained the system. Let's talk about other shit now.

I've talked about only weddings and the movie Infinite. Let's do this clip, dude. Holy shit, man. Oh my God. I wanted to start the episode with this. This clip, dude. Holy shit, man. Oh my god. I wanted to start the episode with this. This lady, dude. You know, I used to think this kind of shit was hilarious, and then I realized

people just got brain problems. But here we go. Motherfucker, I'm just trying to help you. I'm sorry, but I don't need your help. Yes, you do, motherfucker. Oh. You do. You do need my help, sir. They're at a CVS or something. Oh, threw in a son of a bitch, dude.

Can't you see that? You son of a bitch. Wow. I mean, you know? Wow. This is... I don't have to do anything. We're all sinners. Why is she the guy from Past Test. We're all sinners. I don't have to do anything. We're all sinners.

Why is she the guy from Past Testimons? He's not gonna force you to do it. You're a sinner right now. No, I'm not, motherfucker. You fucking accuser. Get the fuck out of here, you fucking accuser. You motherfucking accuser. Get the fuck out of here.

Wow. You motherfucking accuser. Chris Farley in the Folgers commercial. Chris Farley in the Folgers commercial. Chris Farley and the Folgers commercial, dude. Like, what if I told you it wasn't your regular coffee and it's fucking Folgers? You motherfucking accuser. Oh, you want your shit pushed in? Accuser of the fucking brethren, you motherfucker.

Yes, ma'am. Oh, and then the lady, you motherfucker. Yes, ma'am. Oh, and then the lady. Excuse me. Yes, ma'am. I'm pissed because you won't repent. I'm pissed because you won't repent. Oh, dude, she's in the kid section of a fucking Ross Dress for Less. I just wanted to get some groceries

and go home. I don't give a fuck because it's going to burn in hell. And you are too, bitch. No! Taking no prisoners, dude. Okay, so just because his religious views don't match with you doesn't give you the right to...

I don't care. I don't care. He's going to hell. And you are too, bitch. Oh, you want your shit? Oh, shit. ...praises your savior, you're gonna be down there fucking with him, screaming in holy fucking terror- So doodical.

...fucking fire and brimstone. So doodical. What's brimstone, by the way? Everyone always says it, you know. So doodical. Motherfucker. Really? So doodical. Ayyy, motherfucker. Dude, I'm trying to save your life, motherfucker.

Wow, unbelievable. A cholo, the way she's talking. Motherfucker, I'm just trying to help you. Hey, fucker. I'm sorry, but I don't need your help. Yes, you do, motherfucker. Wow, such a cholo. You do.

You do need my help, sir. Dude, so cholo. Hey, fucker, eh Eh, fucker, repent, dog Eh, fucker Eh, fucker, repent, dog Just fucking In Target, just so annoying Eh, fucker, eh, eh Eh, fucker, repent, eh, fucker, repent, eh, he's going to hell, that's why, he's going to hell,

that's why, you too, bitch, where the fucking, where the, where the, where the toilet paper, so, eh, eh, eh, wife, get that shit, eh, fucker, you're going, my wife ain't going to hell, repent, bitch, see, she just did it, eh, grab the Kleenex, and then also get the ring pops, bitch see she just did it hey get grab the kleenex and then also get the ring pops hey fucker you got that bread unbelievable you see that you son of a bitch could you please so uh like the way she's like trying to be nice but also adding swear words just don't mix you know i'm trying to help you don't you see that you son of a bitch just let me check out my groceries i mean the fact that that comes after that if you're just listening to it hey fucker

hey fucker motherfucker hey motherfucker hey fucker i'm just trying to help you can't you see that you son of a bitch man will you just let me check out my groceries? Like, dude. Oh, sorry, dog. That's my B. Hey, dog. Repent, dog. 143, dog. Or whatever the fuck, man. Don't you know I'm fucking crazy, dog?

People are insane. Wow, out of breath. I still don't have my baggage from the flight in Seattle. Alaska Airlines said it would be here yesterday morning and then yesterday at night. And then they said it would be here this morning. Two times they lied. Fuck yeah, dude. Dude, I don't have my fucking Alaska Airlines dog

Come on dog Bring my bags man Wow that's so fucking dumb That gangsters dance like that you know Boogieing They're boogieing So I don't have my baggage so that's cool man i was at the fucking thing and they the thing about alaska airlines is they're like we guarantee

you'll get your bags in 20 minutes and i go fuck yeah dude are you kidding me sometimes you're staring at that fucking conveyor belt and the bags are and it takes like an hour and shit you're like i could have watched Braveheart and the whole fucking thing. At least till they cut his fucking penis off. Probably. I mean, they, they, you don't really know. They don't show it, but they were kind of fucking balls off. And so, uh, also just say the thing you'll live and it's fine.

Nobody will. That's that whole fucking pride thing is so weird back then. You know, like I'm watching the tut, and they're just like, I will not renounce my religion, you know? I will not say that King Henry is above the church. I would rather die. You made it up! I'd rather die than say he's higher than our church because he's not. And I don't want to die and burn in eternally.

I don't want to die in fucking brimstone, motherfucker. I don't want to die. You made it up. They all made up the whole thing. That's hilarious. That's the funniest fucking thing about those times. They just made up everything. And then on top of their made up rules, they made up more

rules. And they were like, nah, you go by our rules. And the people who made up the first rules were like, no, I know this to be true. And the whole thing's made up. It's basically Ferngully. None of it exists. And you gotta believe it because somebody's got a bigger hat on, you know?

You gotta believe it because somebody wears a hat that you could fit a fucking a baseball player in, you know? The whole player up there on top of the fucking old white dude's head. I mean, it's unbelievable. Dude, I would never have fared back then. They would have been like, are you kidding me? No, what I mean to say is I would have lived the longest. Because you're not cutting my fucking nothing off, dude.

I would just be like, you need to renounce your religion and fucking say the king is the number one super supreme holy guy. And I would just be like, hey, dude, hey, fam, he's the absolute most holy guy. And you know what? That religion that I went by and I was raised in, that I said that I would go to the ends of the earth for, dude, I can give a fuck about that religion. I hate it. As a matter of fact, today's the day I realize

that what that king is, the Henry guy, dude, he's the number one holy supreme leader. And as a matter of fact, I don't think he's high enough. I think, and I know nobody's above Jesus, but I think if you looked at it in a certain life, you'd figure out that Henny was a little bit above Jesus. And as a matter of fact, fuck my religion. I hated it always. So I'm glad. What do you want me to sign? Yes. In my blood? Fine. Sure. Dude, I don't give a fuck. You're not chopping nothing off my head,

my penis, nothing. Dude, you want me to go to jail and stay in a fucking cave-like thing with limited light? No way, dude. As a matter of fact, to jail and stay in a fucking cave-like thing with limited light? No way, dude. As a matter of fact, you won't even take my fucking big leaves that they use to fan people. I will admit fucking anything. Even if I didn't do it, I don't give a fuck, dude. Just make me live comfortable. Back then, it was crazy. You'd walk up to a woman and be like, I would like you to be my mistress.

Is that okay? And they were like, to be my mistress. Is that okay? And they were like, oh my God, yes, let's get married. And then you have like two, three wives or some shit. And the wife would be,

the main wife would be like, God damn it. That's the thing about the fucking times back then is that Queens, it was understood that when a fucking woman was big with child, right? That's what they used to say, the most disrespectful way of all time.

Shout out to the last episode of Lifeline. It's called Big With Child. Go check it out. But they would say, like, you know, the man wanders, and that's just kind of what happens, and it's, you know, you gotta fucking suck it up, and the queen would be like, okay, and they know that's the deal, but then when they get married, and they're the queen,

and they're like, oh, I don't want that to happen. There's still that thing. So, obviously, time's times changed and now it's now and you know everyone preaches monogamy and that's good but it's like back then shit was topsy fucking turvy dude just topsy turvy the most topsy is turviest ah man i'll denounce whatever the fuck to keep my shit intact um but yeah so anyway i don't have my bags and so i called so they said they were going to be here last night and then they said they were going to be here this morning guess what i had to go and i knew it too so it didn't come out i was in the conveyor belt and it didn't happen and then i was like waiting and waiting and then finally it stops right there's that moment where the conveyor belt stops.

It's like two minutes of the fucking conveyor belt going. And you're like, no more packages. It's just like one box of fish. Like, you know what I mean? That's going around. And you're like, what the fuck brings fish? You know, it says handle with care fish. And you're like, and I'm in like two car seats.

It's like a bucket. It's like a bucket. It's like a fucking box of fish, frozen fish, and then two car seats wrapped in cellophane. And you're like, God damn it. Is this it? And then you just hear,

and it stops and you're like, all right, where's the fucking thing? Where's the lady I got to go to in a small room? And then you go there and you're like, hi, can I, and they're like, what was it? And you're like, there a small room. And then you go there and you're like, hi, can I? And they're like,

what was it? And you're like, there's two bags. And like, okay. I said, does it usually happen same day? And they're like, yeah, we'll bring it to you

later on today. Didn't. They called me, said, hey, you don't need to call back. We'll bring it tomorrow if we don't even hear from you. Didn't call them back.

Didn't hear from me. Didn't bring it. So now they're supposed to bring it now between a half an hour ago and between six and ten you know too long dropped my fucking bags off but they gave me fifty dollars off my next flight but i mean alaska air flies fucking two places so unless i have another cousin getting married in seattle i don't think i'll be going i think they go to vancouver too

maybe i'll do that when i do my fucking tour personally.com for tickets i'm not in vancouver yet but i will be and also I will be in Dallas, and Wichita, and Atlanta, and Washington, D.C. Motherfucker! Dude, this was so funny to me, the Ben Affleck thing. Holy fucking shit. This made me laugh

so hard, dude. ¿Qué llevó a tu familia a México? Mi madre y mi hermano confundieron conmigo en México cuando estuve trabajando en un show para niños. That's Ben Affleck, dude. Oh, did you think that that was... Oh, did you think that was Fidel Castro? It's the guy from Gigli. Mi mama y mi cuando y mi cuando y papeya un... it's the guy from Geely dude it's so funny that he started dating J-Lo

again and now he's just like dude the fact that he goes you know J-Lo doesn't let it fly when he says madre. You know. You got to relax the tongue. Madre? Relax the tongue or I shock you.

Like they do in Handmaid's Tale. I have that thing. I don't know, J-Lo. Ah! Madre. No. I have the thing from Handmaid's Tale. It's the same thing. It's the one they use. I... Ah! Madre. No. I have the thing from... It's the same thing.

It's the one they use. Only a real version. Cattle prod. Madre. Madre. That's much better. Do that on the interview. Walk away knocking fucking vases over with her ass.

And at the end, she was like... J-Lo, he got home and he was like... She was like... She was sitting in dim light and he walked in and he was and she says, you stuttered. Get the cattle prod. Wow, this guy. Wow, dude, that's unbelievable. That makes me laugh so hard. And he's just so casual about it. I love Ben Affleck, dude, that's unbelievable. That makes me laugh so hard.

And he's just so casual about it. I love Ben Affleck, dude. And he's so casual about it. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck.

I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck.

I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck. I love Ben Affleck Arriba Rico Arriba Suave Chiquero chile chica What's that one that Weird Al did?

Chile chica Chile chica Wow, so fucking so racist, would never fly now. What does he say? Taco Gordo or some shit? Wow, so fucking so racist. Would never fly now. What does he say? Taco Gordo or some shit? Wow, so dumb. How did he always get so famous?

Yeah, dude. Ben Affleck rips for real. I love Ben Affleck. God, I love Ben Affleck. What's this one? Oh, God. this robot thing hey you like you like having these legs oh my god you like having your legs back oh you're back it's a snake she's going with it millions and millions of years ago hey hey you like you like having these legs? God, this fucking snake. I mean, the snake's in a tube, and it's got four legs on the tube,

and the snake's just in the tube. Like, get me the fuck out of here. Hey, I'm a snake. Can I eat a mouse? And the idiot's like, hey, hey, you like having your legs back? Dude, the snake's just literally. It's so funny if you just think about literally the snake's just sitting there like this. And it's just moving, and he's just like also a snake can just move on its own

they don't need legs why are you giving it to him they don't need that having your legs back she's going with it wow dude she's going with it i mean she's going with it. Wow, dude. She's going with it. I mean, she's trapped. Hey, guy. She's trapped. Wow, how much would that be a fucking thing? That's a scene from something that is six seasons on Netflix, you know?

Like called like Lizard Walkers. Or Forged with Mechanics, it's called. Wow, dude. Let's look at these fucking dessert to serve it scales oh wow i'm sorry i speak in fucking spanish not to serve it deserve it um i wonder if i'll get my baggage back oh by the way dude subscribe if you like the if you like the uh youtube subscribe because we changed it to super cult studios because now we got Lifeline and Congratulations and it's the banner shit and like I was gonna have videos of my shit obviously but like we

want it to grow and it's been stuck at 590, 596 for however long because people I think don't know what Super Cult is sometimes you never fucking understand how stupid people are but it's still me but subscribe to us and let's break that shit

man we need to break fucking 600 000 can't do it because we switched the fuck over and everyone's like what the fuck is this so do that like and subscribe this video and leave a comment oh help the algorithm you know what i mean my baby um that's it for the episode on youtube if you want to catch the rest of the episode the raw raw, the uncut, unedited episode, go on over to patreon.com slash chrisdalia and listen here for only $6 a month you get the rest of all the episodes. And you also get one extra

episode a month, which now is like 15 episodes. Just go ahead and stream it. Go ahead and fucking binge it like it's fucking breaking bad. Patreon.com slash chrisdalia. And then also, I did another podcast with Kristen. It's on there if you want to see a little bit of how the family works.

And I do another thing called Review Mode that comes out every month. Dude, it's all gangbusters. Patreon.com. Thank you very much. Congratulations!