Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 27. Queen of the Slammed

Episode Date: July 31, 2017

It is the 27th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about why it is good to make fun of your friends & family. Also discussed: Chris’s experience in Montreal, Chris’s manager, his friend Zack Doncovio who demanded a shoutout, the Fate of the Furious, & TMFUIPOTW. And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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This one's the best. Download free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. What's up, guys? Welcome to Congratulations, the podcast from live to you from Los Angeles, california and when people say los angeles i want to punch them so yeah extra extra read all about it chris lee is back in la he was in montreal or how we like to call it mccall hey what's up babies you know i got i got i got a lot of canadian babies out there man and they're they're cool. They're very nice. And I love them. And, dude, the shows in Montclair were amazing, man.

They really were, dude. Everybody, turns out, is French as shit. Dude, everyone is so French as shit there, it's unbelievable. They're so French that they all have hairy chests. Even if they shave them, they poof back. They're so French. It's unbelievable. I was there for the JFL just for last festival, which was awesome.

I actually have been there maybe six or seven times. And this year was by far the most fun I've ever had. I was with good people, good friends, nice food. Don't really care about it. Got Starbucks.

All I care about, chilled. Met Arj Barker. Huge in fucking Australia. Nice guy. He thought I was his driver when I was a new face in 2009 in Just for Laughs. And he was like, hey, are you taking me to the airport? And I was like, no, I'm a comedian. He was like, oh, okay.

And then he came up to me recently at Just for Laughs. And he was like, hey, man, I wanted to meet you. I'm Arj. And I was like, oh, yeah, I got a funny story for you. I told him about that. And he apologized. And I was like, dude, you don't have to apologize. So he's super nice.

And he's fucking, we're going to kick it when I go to Australia. That's what we said. So I was in Montreal and I played that venue, which is one of the best venues I've ever played. It's called the Olympia, but also it's called L'Olympia, which is the most French thing of all time. Dude, if you put an L apostrophe in front of it, that's so fucking funny, you know? Like, it's so French to be like, what are you playing? Oh, L'Olympia. L'Olympia. And then you see it on other fucking websites, and it's like, Olympia.

So it's like, what are we doing? Are we doing this French shit or not? I don't like it. It's like cool. Some people are French. Some people aren't. But pick one. It's like 70% French.

And they'll talk to you French first. They'll be like, bonjour. Appel au peu. Appel au peu. And you're like, hey, yeah, no, no, no. That's not for me. And they're like, what's up? Switch mode.

Engage. What's up? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, that's not for me. And they're like, what's up? Switch mode. Engage. What's up? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No, no, no, no, no. Engage. English. Hello.

Hey, what's up? And a super French thing to do, and I don't know if it's a French-Canadian thing to do, but this is the most, I've dialed it down to the most French thing you can do in, in the world. And maybe I would, I should say French Canadian thing you can do in the world is if you're in a position, um, if, if you're talking to somebody who is, uh, serving you or whatever it is like a bartender or a, or a, somebody at Starbucks or somebody at a restaurant, a waiter, if you say, hey, can I get salt or something?

This is what they do. And this happened to me multiple times and it happens to me every year. They go like this. Yeah, I just have to go do this one thing and then I'll grab you the salt. Why the fuck do I care what you got to go? It's like, listen, I'm serving you, but I want you to know you're not high on my list that's what they do and it happens so much dude and it's very weird it's a very weird thing it's like I'm a server but just so you know this is my job I'm still a real person and I'll fuck you up the ass if you get some attitude

it's weird dude hey can I get a straw sure sure I just fuck you up the ass if you get some attitude. It's weird, dude. Hey, can I get a straw? Sure, sure. I just need to drop this off and then I'll bring one. Oh, I don't. Oh, really? Oh, that's cool. What are you doing after that? I don't give a fuck. Hey, dude, did I ask for a straw or did I ask for your to-do list? Hey, dude, if i ask for your to-do list give me a list but if not just get the fucking straw that's the most french canadian thing to do um so yeah it's also really funny how how like to guess if somebody's french or not uh like to be like I think that guy's maybe just Canadian. And then he walks up and he's like, and you're like, okay, it's French. Should have seen it with the chest hair peeking out of his boat neck.

And high socks and high shorts. So the venue was awesome at the Olympia, La Olympia, however you want to call it. I had Theo Vaughn do a guest set who killed. And then my buddy, Mike Linocchi opened for me who killed. He was a new face.

One of the new faces there at the, at the, at the just for last festival, which was great. He was really, really excited about that. And a lot of the new faces there at the at the um at the just for last festival which was great he was really really excited about that and a lot of the new faces um he opens for me and i was really proud of him to get that but there's a lot of uh there's a lot of new faces that were really good man i caught some of them and uh it was cool to see that it brought me back to when i was a new face in 2009 and now i'm an old face they should have old faces in montreal um but yeah they're very

cool uh and there's so many shows there going on and i did a tv taping for canada which nobody will see because it's on tv in canada i swear to god i do these canadian tvs are canadian tv shows i've probably done them about four times literally never got one tweet don't know when it airs don't know when it comes out don't know what network it's on literally zero tweets in the world to me it's the weirdest thing who's watching canadian tv not canadians because don't get tweets um so i did that i did some new material on that uh and um i met a lot of south african comics which was really cool uh i got to meet some of those guys um and they were in that's the cool thing about just for laughs is that all the comedians from all across the world come and

there were some australian guys there were some fucking south african guys um And I don't know. It was just fucking... It was cool. I don't know how fucking people drink. We were at the bar at the Hyatt every night, and everybody was so drunk, and I don't drink, you know? And I would wake up feeling like,

piss. How do you drink and then wake up at like... My fucking manager, dude? First of all, he sounds like this. Okay. It's like the most manager voice of all time. He's like, look. And every time I try to pitch him a show that I want to sell to a network, he says, look.

There's a show in there. Okay. And it's never good enough. I can be like, yeah's about i could literally pitch him the show of game of thrones and i could have all of the episode arcs and all throughout all seven seasons and at the end he'll be like all right look there's a show in there all right maybe get the dragons earlier you know and there's a show in there and um so now me and my other agent uh we fucking make fun of him all the time and we'll be like

we'll be like anytime we're like anytime anything we'll be like eating a sandwich i'll be like how's the sandwich i'll be like oh look there's tuna in there like there's tuna in there you know it's good it's good it's gonna be good everything's gonna be fine oh man it's so funny oh god uh so yeah so shout out to my manager and my agent make like life better um for me on the road and uh so wait what was i talking about though him talking about why did i bring him up oh yeah he'll fucking drink he's by no means does he drink all the time at all but like when he does he he does it like a social person and then afterwards he'll be he'll like email me at like seven in the morning and i I'll be like, look, it's morning.

You got to wake up. I'm like, are you hungover? He's like, look, I drank, but the alcohol's in there. I drank coffee, and it's coming in there. It's going to be fine. Everything's going to be fine. I mean, dude, it's so's so funny man he has no social media presence too the guy's killer um so uh yeah so i don't know how they do this my fucking managers

my friends my opener they all drink and then they wake up and they wake up way earlier than me and i my buddy dude a few episodes ago i talked about my buddy who his name is zach and and he was and i had i told you i had some people over and he was the guy talking about the music that like no matter what music i played oh come on you gotta play better music remember that guy if you're an avid listener to congratulations you know who i'm talking about so hey oh by way, my manager just sent off an email, and it sounded like it's 747. It took off because he's got the fucking mail app. I want to fire him. It went.

I want to fire him. But so my producer, not my manager, I think I sent my manager. But anyways, right next to me, 747. There's an email in there. There's a 747 jet engine in there. So anyway, Zach Doncovio, which is a

Italian. His name is Zach Doncovio. So it's Italian. Okay, here's the deal, man. Last time I brought him up, came to montreal with us okay i brought him up last time but i didn't say his name because didn't want people to fucking i you know i don't like to say people's names if i'm gonna you know obviously he's one of my best

friends but i'm still fucking lightly making fun of him i'm jostling up his ego a little bit maybe i don't want to fuck i don't want to fuck up you know anybody's day so he's like thanks for mentioning me in the podcast but you didn't mention my name. I was like, well, I did that because I didn't want to. He's like, you got to give me credit, bro. So, and he's always laughing, always laughing. I'll be like, what are you eating? He'll be like, I got a banana.

It's very weird. So there's a banana in there. You there's you're gonna open banana all right it's in there all right but so so he is like uh so he came to Montreal with us and the dude is so weird look he's one of my best friends all my friends friends are weird, and I'm weird. I'm not saying I'm not weird. But this guy, first of all, he's a white guy, I guess. I think maybe he's Puerto Rican too. He always is like, I'm a little bit Puerto Rican though. He's the kind of guy who's, okay, here's what he is. First of all, the guy drinks a gallon of iced tea a day he's always got like and he

walks like oj like he's been playing fucking football for for 70 years doesn't okay yep and doesn't play football but he walks he's got a really high ass like it's on his shoulders like if he has to take a dump he has to fucking have his knees so far forward and he and his and his shoulders are on the on the fucking his neck he hurts his neck when he takes his shit because it's fucking up against the back you know what i mean drinking iced tea while he's doing it and you know he's got a medium-sized penis that's the thing like you know he's got the most medium-sized penis if aliens came down i've never seen his dick but if aliens came down he just screams medium-sized penis like if aliens came down and they were like we need to see the regular penis so when we become human we need to know what the medium is and you'd get him and he'd

be standing there and he'd be like and they'd be like okay that is the most medium-sized penis and then he'd be like so i'm puerto rican a little bit we didn't ask zach right so then he's but he's also this is why i can't trust the motherfucker his lips are the same color as his skin. Like, God didn't finish you? Oh, dude, you know people like that? Their lips are the same color as their skin? God didn't finish you? Hey, what happened? God ran out of pink? Dude, what happened when God was making you? Oh, he ran out of pink. Jesus Christ was like, there's no more pink. We need to go to Costco and get more pink. But right now, Zach Duncovio needs to come out. And then he pushed him out of his mom's pussy.

And the doc fucking was like, it's a boy and smacked him. And he went. And then Jesus was like, whoops, his asshole's too high oh well that's fucking zach donkovio and he drinks a gallon of iced tea every day no doubt by fucking 40 he's gonna have zero feet because they're gonna have to get lopped off because they're going to have to get lopped off, because he drinks too much sugar, and smokes,

dude, and the guy fucking smokes, and the guy gets a fuck, every, I swear to God, every, he's got crocodile, crocodile arms,

every time we fucking go, every time we're at dinner, and the bill's just about to come, he's going to go outside for a cigarette, and then he goes, and then the bill comes, nice bill pay for the bill i'm like all right let's leave and he says oh where's the bill he said you were fucking smoking we paid for it oh sorry man i mean so there you go there you have it zach donkovio there you go bub you have it. Zach Doncovio. There you go, bub. Said your name.

Love the guy. Love him. Love traveling with him. Nicest guy. Really fun. Really good guy. Never doesn't wear a baseball hat. Never saw the top of his head. Him and Garth Brooks, swear to God, never seen the top of either of their heads. Always wearing a baseball hat. Never saw the top of his head. Him and Garth Brooks, swear to God,

never seen the top of either of their heads. Always wearing a cowboy hat. Always wearing a baseball hat. Dude, Zach Pax, first of all, we went to Montreal for three days. Three. That's three days. I brought a backpack. This guy brought for real. Okay. First of all, he brought the medium-sized bag to match his medium-sized penis of all he brought the medium sized bag To match his medium sized penis You know the medium sized bag that everybody has That you can carry on And then he brought The fucking big bag

The one that fucking girls bring When they go somewhere for six days Okay So he's got the medium sized bag And the big bag Now he's in Montreal for three days. Now I know he's, I know the big bag's full of iced tea, obviously. So in the medium bag, dude, the guy, I say, okay, so he's got the medium bag and the big

bag. And then he's also got, dude, he doesn't have a backpack. He brings a fucking messenger bag. Hey, dude, you delivering letters? Dude, if you have a messenger bag, let me tell you something. If you have a messenger bag, you're a piece of shit. Okay? You put a fucking, hey, do you have a messenger bag? Put another strap on it and put it around your back. You know why? You don't work for FedEx.

Okay? You're just some guy at the airport. You don't work for FedEx. If you have a messenger bag and you're fucking – you know why messenger bags suck? You put it over your fucking shoulder and you're walking and it's banging against your cock every step you take because it's fucking it's like banging against your cock every step you take and this guy's pushing a medium-sized bag and a big size bag and his shoulders are lopsided and the bags fucking smacking his medium-sized cock every every step this guy takes and i say you got too many bags and he says dude he opens the big bag i shit you not

he's got fucking seven hats seven baseball hats for three days and four pair of shoes i brought one pair of shoes zero hats hats. And I'm performing. Literally thousands of people have to see me. This guy's wearing fucking Oakley's. This guy's in disguise. Nobody even sees him even when he's out because he's wearing so many things. He don't need all that shit. Burn your satchel. Put a strap on on it put an extra strap on it put an extra strap on it

dude the guy's unreal and his lips are the same color as his skin because god ran out of pink Same color as his skin. Because God ran out of pink. It's unbelievable, dude. Oh, man. Me and my opener, we make fun of him so hard. And I make fun of my opener so hard. So it's like tenfold on this fucking guy.

And he eats fucking muffins and meat. And never like this guy eating a salad nah no imagine this guy eating a salad oh my god oh it's so fucking funny we laugh we cry dude what is it about making fun of your friends that's so fucking funny i do like it's so funny and this is why i'm so this is why i want to be this is why i want to be a guy because all we do is make fun of each other and it's so funny that's why i'm happier i'm a guy women don't really do that if you were a girl you can't do that shit because all the other girls get their feelings hurt and that's fine that's what makes women wonderful don't come at me but also i want to look at my friend's face my guy friend and call him a motherfucking bitch made ass fuck boy okay and then laugh and laugh. And both of us laugh. You fucking

bitch. Hey, you brought a satchel. You fucking bitch. If I can't look at my friend and say that and then have him laugh and then me laugh and then him make fun of me for my shorts or whatever the fuck or how I'm lanky and look like a bird or whatever the fuck. i laugh we're crying by the end of the fucking conversation laughing so hard laughing shard okay we're laughing shard and dude girls don't do that come on girls do it do it make fun of each other Fucking talk to each other and be like, ah, fucking check out little tits over here. He's a sexist. But not really. Look at you.

Look at your fucking stupid skirt or something. I don't know what the fuck. But like, dude. This is why fucking, I swear, this is why none of my relationships work out. Sometimes my exes will just, they they'll be like you talk harsh and i'm like yo i fucking love you you know i don't know i don't know i do talk you know that's how my whole family grew up, though, man. I mean, my mom would zing my dad hard. My dad would be like, I got fucking 50 years behind me.

And my mom would like pat his belly and be like, yeah, and 20 pounds in front of you. I mean, fucking murder. Slammed him, dude. Hey, dude, where's the door? Gunk slammed him. It's like the scene in ace ventura when ace ventura fucking throws the door in front of the guy's face and it fucking almost hits his nose now obviously i'm the only one that remembers that but still it's a reference my mom fucking

slammed the shit out of my dad every day we laughed my dad got sensi but whatever my mom always got sensi my mom was a king is the king not was I'm talking like she fucking passed away she's the fucking queen of fucking slamming dude my mom's the queen of slamming dude that's why I love slamming

you know the fuck man my mom's queen slam, queen of the slammed, isn't that a movie, queen of the damned, or what the fuck is that, did I make it up, what is that, something with the damned, isn't that, wasn't that the fucking Aaliyah movie, fucking Aaliyah movie? I don't know. But whatever. It is? Queen of the Damned? With Aaliyah, with Stuart Townsend, what happened to that guy? Dude, hey, Stuart Townsend, people would tell me I look like that guy all the time. Stuart Townsend. Hey, man, you're from a small village in Great Britain, right? You know why?

Because your name is Stuart Townsend. Hello. Queen of the Damned, tagline, all she wants is hell on earth. I mean, they would never make that movie now. First of all, because wouldn't put the damned in a fucking title. Queen of the damned. All she wants is hell on earth. All she wants is hell on earth.

They make the fucking Huey Lewis song and remix it. All she wants to do is dance. Would ruin the movie. Also, would make it better. Dude, Stuart Townsend's a good actor. It's British. The most British name of all time. Hello, I'm Stuart Townsend.

From a small village in... Small village in... Right outside of London. He was also in some movie with fucking... Eh, who cares, whatever. I don't know. But, uh, yeah, my mom's queen of the slammed, dude. Um, so, so yeah, so I slam, so my buddies slam.

I love getting slammed. Uh, and, uh, chicks don't slam. They don't really slam. I mean, some chicks slam, comedian chicks slam, but some chicks don't slam they don't really slam i mean some chicks slam comedian chicks slam but some chicks don't slam uh anyway slamming's good for you though man because like it makes you know you from my family it's how we loved each other it's how we showed we loved each other fucking true slams because you're not going to slam somebody you don't fucking care about because then you don't because you then it's like a real thing and you're not that mean you got to fucking show love by slamming love by slamming slamming also means fucking but that's not what we're talking about here dude

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We think I'm starting this to just talk? Make a little bit of money? Nah. I'm trying to get a cabin in the woods. I keep telling you guys that. Some cult. Leader. You babies. Yeah, but I'm going to start giving out, you know, for the people that are the true fans and really repping the podcast, you guys become elders. i haven't given out elder status yet but i will uh and that's the true congratulations man that's why we call this shit congratulations it all comes full circle dude

it's the circle you see that movie with tom hanks and that fucking other girl that looks you know a little bit androgynous i don't remember but that fucking movie the circle robbed my title because that's about this dude did you watch that movie that had no antagonist at all and was born as shit did you watch it was it called the circle because i should have walked in the movie theater and then circled right back out right as soon as the opening credits started? Don't know. But it should have been. What's the tagline?

Let's see the tagline. Knowing is good. Knowing everything is better. Ah. Slazy tagline. This is what the tagline should have been. Cars. That's it. That's all it should have been. Would meant the same thing knowing is good knowing everything is better no shit

and shit i mean that movie had no bad guys stuff just happened and then they were like it's over um yeah fuck yeah dude fuck yeah movies are fucking oh i watched um um i put on i was on the plane on the way to montreal and i put on whatever the fuck the new furious movie is fat fate of the furious hi bye just you know what call it fucking Fast and Furious 8 or whatever the fuck it is. Fate of the Furious? Oh, really?

No. Oh, it's not the Fate. You know why? Because there's another one after it. There's two more. Here's the deal, all right? These are the people in the movie. Go to the...

Look up the people in the movie, first of all. Fate of the Furious. These are the people in the movie. Go to the look, look up the people in the movie. First of all, uh, fate of the furious. These are the people in the movie. This is the cast of the movie. All right. Oh, you should have put the fucking thing on.

Oh, fucking this guy. It's not that slow. We got the TV all plugged in. He's not using the Apple TV. Oh, okay. So I slammed okay He slammed me so fucking hard He just said well we need to fix the wifi And that's the hardest slam I've gotten literally all week

Well we need to fix Felt hot in his fucking heart When he said well we need to fix the wifi Because he told me about that last week and I didn't even fucking do shit about it So alright hardest slam of all time but anyway Um Uh Oh great just fucking

so annoying lost my place here so these are the people in the movie okay these are the people in the in in one movie now vin diesel it's a badass. Jason Statham, it's a badass. Dwayne The Rock Johnson, it's a badass. Michelle Rodriguez, arguably more, it's a badass. Tyrese Gibson, no. Sometimes he's not, but in this movie, it's a badass. Ludacris, now, even though every movie that Ludacris is in is a comedy, no matter what, it's badass. Charlize Theron, fantastic actress.

In this movie, it's badass. Kurt Russell's in it. Guess what? In this movie, Kurt Russell, it's badass. Natalie Emanuel, who's like the new pretty chick that they got to use, right? No, guess what? In this movie movie it's badass luke evans don't know who that is let me look up this guy

oh luke evans isn't it luke evans is always a badass okay now i'm going down this list scott eastwood obviously badass christopher hivju change it it's badass okay now all these guys are in this movie okay all these guys all these guys shit happens in this movie as you can imagine they got to up the state stakes for every fast and furious movie so this is number eight so now you literally have cars i mean i don't even know what i want to say you literally have cars driving out of buildings and going into other buildings but that happened in like the fourth one so in this one it's just like literally cars running over pandas in outer space i don't know what the fuck it is but it's just so insane the most fucking crazy shit is happening it's like the whole world's

gonna end now all those badasses, they have too many badasses in that one movie. Those people should be in seven movies, okay? But it's one movie. All the shit's going on in this movie. And none of them act like they give a fuck.

Now, that's the movie that they're making, of course. But zero of them give a flying fuck because they're too badass like ludicrous will be like after someone gets after like someone gets fucked up the ass well we'll see how it goes the next time and tyreece is like well i'm not gonna let that happen while he's getting shot in the head and I mean like what's his name uh uh fucking The Rock and Jason Statham who by the way they're great together and this is no knock I like all these actors they're all better than me but they're fucking subruting and not giving a fuck about everything that's

happened i mean there's one scene where these drivers are driving through i don't even know where they are dude but they're driving through this fucking crazy like plant like i don't i don't know what the fuck it is but like there's these boulders that are like coming down and like swinging and crashing into them and shit and like every time that comes close like one of them one of these big ass boulders knocks over tyrese's um side mirror and he like walkies over to fucking ludacris. And he's like, I'm gonna get you for that one, man. And Ludacris is like, hey, man, he almost died. You've known him since the first Fast and Furious. And before that, too, because in the first one, you guys had backstory.

You're not sad. Dude, if I'm driving next to my friend that I've known for 12 years or 17 years however long the fucking franchise has lasted and he almost got fucking clipped by a swinging boulder in his fucking souped up Honda I'd pull over ludicrous is just like Ha ha! You gotta be more careful, Tyrese! Hey! Care! Hey! Care more.

Yeah, I know the movie doesn't make sense and it's fantastic and that's the point, but still, you human! Care more. I mean, dude, imagine me in that fucking movie. This is me in that movie, the character I play. Holy shit! You guys, we gotta get the fuck out of here! And then they show a close-up of my cock

pissing in my pants. And then I shake my leg and a little turd comes out. No, not gross, real. My fucking producer goes, gross. No, not gross, real. My fucking producer goes, gross, no, not gross, real. I go like this, freeze, and the guy goes, no, and I go, oh, God, and I drop the gun and run away. Hey, sir, you're alive.

And then as I run away, turds fucking come out of my pants. And then he shoots after me and hits me, and then I fucking die, and I go like this, god mom I yell out mom because it's real life everybody can't be a fucking badass in a movie if everybody doesn't give a fuck why the fuck do I give a fuck none of these motherfuckers care that everybody is almost dying and some people are dying they don't give a fuck why the fuck do i have to give a fuck where are the stakes nobody would ever cry in a fast and furious movie vin diesel's sister could die and he'd be like well i guess it's time to have another sister

i mean what the fuck? Those movies make gajillions of dollars. That's probably the fucking move. I have to fucking, that's what I had to do. That's why Undateable got canceled, my show. It wouldn't have got showed. I should have told the producers, hey, dude, sorry, rewrite it. Gotta be not giving a fuck more.

Gotta be way cooler. Chick broke up with me. I gotta go like this. Guess I gotta get another dame. And then a scene at the bar. Hey guys, what's up? You guys hanging out? Undateable.

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Hey, dude, I got a question. Do you like coughing? Do you like having a post-nasal drip? Do you like getting pink eye? No? Then stop handling money, you fucking goofball. Get this app, dude. Friends, family, coworkers, you could payball. Get this app, dude. Friends, family, co-workers,

you could pay lizards back, anyone, really. Pay back a spaceman. Do it this way. Sending and receiving money is totally free and fast, and most payments can be deposited directly in your bank accounts in seconds. That's this fast. That's this fast. Here's how it works. Download the Squarecast app, okay? Well, here's how it works, actually square cash app okay well here's how it works actually okay if you're a fucking idiot go to the brain store get a brain and then download the square cash app link your debit or credit card select an amount to send and type in a friend's phone number or email address to complete a payment then they'll get a notification that they just just received money that's it there's no gimm. Square Cash is better than the other guys. This isn't a social network. Who wants to have their payments listed in a feed? Not me, dude. You know why? I don't want people knowing when I'm paying my hookers.

I'm kidding. I've never done that. Okay? Ever. Actually, don't buy hookers, right? Because that's what I'm basically trying to say. Anyway, back to Square Cash. So, by the way, shout out to John Murray from the University of Colorado for being a true baby and downloading and using the Square Cash app. Get it, you cooters. Ugh. Nobody gives a fuck in the movie Fast and Furious

it's so ill so ill that's how you gotta have the franchise there you gotta not give a fuck um anyway maybe that would help all companies like McDonald's I mean not that they need help

but if they were like come on down and get a burger and if you don't like it we don't give a fuck ba da ba ba ya we give you cancer brown cause they do dude it boggles my mind that people still eat I mean like my buddy Zach

hey Zach you gonna get cancer um I don't you know I try and eat healthy I mean, like my buddy Zach. Hey, Zach, you're going to get cancer. I don't, you know, eat that. I try and eat healthy. I think about what I eat. You know what I mean? I don't always know what's in my food. But I think about what I eat.

I think about trying to go for healthier options. I always try to make the healthier option. That's why I got six pack kidding don't really do a little bit try it but um so i got that's why i'm more cutty than i was um now remember i said one fire him about my producer because computer doesn't work yeah definitely doesn't work computer my internet doesn't work and it's not working. And it's pissing me off. Because, oh, that's why actually.

Because I'm hooked up to the wrong network. It's all good. Because I was going to take some questions. Seeing who's going to game the system

with the congratulations pod style hashtag. But can't get logged on. So it's pretty cool I can't get logged on i mean really i got it i got it i have to log in again to my shit it's my house um there we go now the texts keep rolling through. See, I thought for a second it was a loser, okay? But I'm not.

Turns out very cool, and I'm getting a lot of texts. And I'm getting a lot of tweets here. You guys, you can't imagine how much. Look, there aren't texts in there, all right? There's texts in there. And look, it's going tags in there, all right? There's tags in there. And look, it's going to be fine, okay? Wait a minute. What the fuck is this?

Did you see this? This has got to be it. This is a joke, right? That's got to be Photoshopped. Somebody, yeah. Yeah, this guy's joking. He Photoshopped a billboard that said, It's Coup de Time at like a baseball field.

Pretty good. Aaron Wallen, pretty good. Aaron Wallen. You made it look like it was true. I mean, unless they did and they stole my phrase, dude,

I want royalties. Um, so here we go. Checking congratulations pod hashtag um where's your safarian friend parker van dyke parker van dyke 09 um i'm assuming he's talking about leo i don't know he oh he actually texted me while i was was in Montreal with a plus 334 number or whatever. It's French. That's weird.

He texted me. He must have felt that I was in Montreal because it's French. But yeah, I haven't talked about him for a little bit. I don't know if he was pretending or not, but he was like, he got mad that I was mentioning him on a podcast. But I don't know if he's pretending or not but um anyway uh he he's uh i don't know i want to fucking hang out with him more man that guy's too weird for me to not hang out with him what do you think about grown-ass men on scooters ryan hamburglar at ryan underscore hamburglar hey man that's cool. Your last name isn't Hamburglar, though, so definitely change that.

I don't know. I mean, if that's all you can afford, cool. But if it's your choice, get car. Let's look at this here. Look at them up here oh my god somebody sent me this rare insight 451 at contrarian andN. Hey, man, what the fuck is wrong with you, first of all? RareInsight451. At ContrarianNN. And I have a feeling his name is Ian because it's ContrarianNN.

It's not cute. Change it. He's saying lady owns 10 snakes. Too many snakes, which is goddamn right. Gaming the system. Congratulations, pod. CBS this morning. Woman, and he retweeted this.

Woman calls 911 when a boa constrictor wrapped itself around her neck and began biting her face. Well, if you got 10 snakes, you're going to get bit by one. Just like my dad always used to tell me. If you got 10 snakes, you're going to get choked and bit by one on the face. It's a house. I'm outside with it. You're outside with a boa constrictor stuck to your face? Yes.

Okay. Rescuers arrived at the home. A few minutes later, they had to kill the snake to get it off the woman. She was treated at a hospital. She told the 911 dispatcher she had ten other snakes. Hey, don't say that after that. Oh, dude, a snake bit and choked my face. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Oh, we saved you. Cool. I have 10 other snakes. Then they go like this. Oh, well, for fuck's sake. And they just like drop the forceps and shit. We saved this fucking idiot and she's got 10 snakes.

She deserves it. Dude, how about this? This is my favorite part. This is my favorite part right here. Come on, go back. Hey, go back. That's my favorite part right there. I have a boa constrictor stuck to my face. You have a what? Boa constrictor stuck to my face. And then the dispatcher says, you have a boa constrictor stuck to my face. You have a what? Boa constrictor stuck to my face. And then the dispatcher says, you have a boa constrictor stuck? How old are you, ma'am?

I mean, worst detective ever. Hey, talk about things that don't matter more. What was she going to say? 50? How old are you, ma'am? 50. Just hang up. She probably was like, okay, okay well that's fucking so dumb so you got to be four ma'am how old are you hey i have a boat constructor stuck to my face

oh how old are you i mean imagine worst dispatcher first day on the job dispatcher so uh ellen sit down uh we're gonna go through calls looks like you have one right there actually why don't you pick it up hi ma'am hi this is 911 what's your emergency hi oh my god i have a bowel constrictor stuck to my face oh okay and how old are you you're fired oh okay well i got fired because i mean come on dude how old are you you know how fucking mad i would be if i had a boa constrictor stuck to my face and i called 9-1-1 and it's choking me and i had to fucking call not like first of all what is that um realization the the moment where you're like oh I gotta call 9-1-1 especially in that moment where

you're like okay this next joke me kind of but it should be all good and then it bites your face it's like oh it actually hurts uh I could probably pry them off and you're like you know what I actually think that moment where you're like I think that this is maybe a job for me calling 911. And you're like, I've lost. You're like, I've lost here. This is it. It's a wrap. Done.

The snake's biting my face and choking me. Let me pick up the phone. Okay? Then you go pick up the phone. You hit 911. and you're like, they're going to take care of this or I'm going to die. So, so you call 911 with a snake wrapped around your neck and your face is chomped. All right. I mean, imagine that. Take a second to imagine feeling that.

You're driving along right now or you're in your cubicle. You listen to congratulations. I'm Chris D'Elia. Take that out of here and just fucking imagine a snake, a boa constrictor, wrapped around your neck, squeezing, and your face is chomped. Okay? Imagine that. Imagine how much it hurts. Imagine how scared you are.

Imagine how much you're sweating. And also, imagine how much you're pissing. And you call 911. And with your last few, you know, words that you think maybe you might speak, you say, hey, 911, please help. There's a snake around my neck, and it's stuck to my face. And then the fucking 911 operator asks you how old you are. Ma'am, oh, my God, I have a bone constrictor wrapped around my neck,

and also it's chomping my face. What shoes are you wearing? I don't see how that, I don't see how that... I have Reeboks on and they're an older version, but... Okay, we got help on the way. We need an ambulance over to some place in Jacksonville, probably. We need to send over medics and we need them to send newer Reeboks. They're going to have piss all over those Reeboks.

I mean, what the fuck? Also, you're never supposed to ask a lady her age. I mean, wow. Thoughts? Here's a good one. Adam Bogart, at Adam Lee,

543. Thoughts on these face cutout things? Yeah. It's good. You know, the things you get at a carnival where you fucking are it's like a big ass wooden piece of shit and somebody painted somebody's body on it and you go behind it and you take a picture hey dude if you do that that's actually the true definition of a cuda definition of a cuda for real who sees a fucking piece of wood with a hole in it and is like hey let me stick my face through that.

I'd rather stick my dick through that. How about glory holes, dude? I mean, how about glory holes, dude? Sticking a dick. I don't mean like in porn. I mean in real life. Glory holes. Imagine being like in porn. I mean in real life. Glory holes. Imagine being like, well, I am...

Did come in here to take a shit, but... My cock fits in there. There's probably some sad person on the other side. With a mouth. Let's see what's up. And then just sticking it in there and having a guy. I mean, Jesus.

I mean, it's insane. That's a very weird thing. I eat pears now and shit like that shout out to all the pear cool man loving it i see a lot of people tweeting the free cunch tweets. You can get that merch over at chrisdalia.com Rep the podcast.

You got the fucking, you got ones with the emoji art that we use for the podcast. You got the congratulations artwork. You got congratulations shirts. You got also, you got Sfrikunch shirts. And you also got, we got new ones coming. And I'm not going to tell you what they say,

but I think you might have a feeling what they might say. We're dropping them real soon. say but i think you might have a feeling what they might say we're dropping them real soon so uh anyway what's up should we do worst uh instagram post of the week uh-oh let me find let me find the ones i pick i got little... I didn't know in Instagram you can... What do you call it? Save photos? And I got a fucking section in here that's called Uh-Oh. And I fucking look at that. And all week I just add to Uh-Oh.

Uh-Oh. Oh, here we go. I'll just use the last one here. Oh, by the way, somebody found... I don't normally mention the names and shit, but somebody found one of them last mention the names and shit but somebody found one of them last week it was really funny oh wait this guy's good oh this guy's good i'm using this one this guy's unreal unreal he's got a lot of followers now the guy is a fucking

handsome dude not gonna lie he's got a good body he's always in fantastic places having bond day okay i mean his fucking biceps are vain he's in front of like he's taking fucking like 700 pictures in front of fountains like the guy he sees a fountain and he'll be like yeah yeah snapped his photo oh here's a picture of him actually wearing a uh one of those those fucking bandanas over his face with a skull. So it looks like half of his face is a skull. Pretty much nothing I hate more than that. Because you know why? Because you don't look badass.

You look like a guy with a bandana on your face. So this guy is murdering the Instagram game. And here is his caption on one of his latest things. Now somebody sent me this. Now thank you for it now he writes but first of all let me see what the fuck is he doing okay uh so this is what it says okay you got this breathe in feel that wait a minute i'm sorry i actually just realized what this said i forgot no you gotta i gotta do this again because the

next part right after the feel that is the most unbelievable thing on fucking social media of all time. Okay. You so got this. I'm sorry. It's not. So you got this. It's you so got this, which makes it even more. Oh, okay. So you got, sorry. I fucked it up. Okay, you so got this. Breathe in. Now, first of all, stop giving me goddamn instructions on Instagram. I'm just scrolling by, looking at Double Tap or not. You're giving me instructions, you piece of shit.

Hey, you my teacher? No? Oh, you're just a guy with a bunch of followers for no reasons? Cool. A-cuda. Turn around. Okay, you so got this. Breathe in.

Feel that? That's my arms around you. Not, those are my arms around you. Which already, those are my arms around you, which already those are my arms around you is still the worst thing on social media, but okay. You so got this breathe in, feel that that's my arms around you. Oh no, it's not just breathing in and you know where to be found. You know why? Cause this picture was tagged in San Fernando, Sonora, Mexico. Okay? Now, it doesn't surprise me that you're foreign, but you're not near me.

Your arm's not long? No. So when I breathe in, I do feel it, but what I feel is breath. Then it says exhale. Hear that? Ah, well, I'm blood and red mad because this is what this says. Exhale. Hear that? Ah, well, I'm blood and red mad because this is what this says. Exhale. Hear that? That's the

music of both of us laughing because our faces can't smile big enough. Okay, man, that's fucking horrid. Hey, man. It's not poetry. It's a poetry, this guy. Trying to fucking... Imagine this guy. It's a poetry. Dude, okay, you so got this. Breathe in.

Feel that. That's my arms around you. It's not. Exhale. You hear that? That's the music of both of us laughing because our faces can't smile big enough hey man it's a run-on sentence first of all it's poetry that's the music of both of us laughing hey i fucking can't stand when someone says something is music that isn't music okay

because you know what music is music music is music is music. That's all music is. Music is not the sound of people laughing. That's laughter. Because our faces can't smile big enough. Then it says, we are happy today. Today, all things are possible. Knock them fat flying fuck no today all things are possible really oh really well you know what's not possible making a good palm dude oh you know what else is not possible? Me feeling yarms around me. Because you're in Sonora, Mexico. I'm in SoCal. I mean, dude. And it's a picture of the dude on like a fucking patio somewhere. And he's in all black. Dressed like Neo on his day off.

And ripped jeans, coarse. Boots, coarse. The fucking pants are tucked in, coarse. course blonde streaks in his hair course rings more than johnny depp and a fucking blazer with a button down under all black course and he's fucking you can't see his face it's like a picture of him dead on straight on but he's his face is down and his hair's over his face and he's doing it looks like he's lighting up his cigarette but he's not which means he's just got his hands near his face maybe he's like he's praying or whatever whatever dude some of these comp some of these fucking comments under this picture you motivate me no somebody writes clean. No.

So far in all these things. You so cute. I love you so with black hearts. This one writes boy your captions are MF amazing. You fucking idiot. No they're not. No they're not., they're not. No, they're not. There's got to be the one guy that fucking is taking the piss.

Come on. Let's look at this one. Oh, look at this fucking idiot who commented on this. Look at what this person wrote. I show love to others with small gestures. This is a comment. I show love to others with small gestures that mean a lot. If I'm out shopping with a friend, I'll offer to hold her stuff while she tries on clothes. If I am holding her clothes for her, I'll make sure they're neat so they don't get wrinkles. I have flowers sent to my friend's office just because I know it'll make her smile. I ask my dad for help with things I don't need help with just so he knows he's still needed in my life.

I listen to my boyfriend's band even though the style of music isn't my favorite. And I tell my friends to listen to them to show my guy that I'll do anything to support something that makes him happy. It's the little things that count. Hey, not if they read this, you fucking idiot. Now your boyfriend knows that you don't like his music, and your friend, and you're just asking your dad for help, for, even though you don't need it, you're giving him errands, oh, you piece of shit, hey, dad, can you do this for me, I need your help, when you don't need their help, and then you're making your fucking old ass dad go do shit that

he doesn't need to do, just because you want him to feel needed he doesn't want to feel needed he wants to feel tired he wants to feel the chair you're making him feel needed you piece of shit dude what the fuck is wrong with this world man under this asshole's comment somebody's got to be taking the piss out of this motherfucker oh man and then you read the bios of these people and they're like and it's like look at this this person wrote i do it by having my actions and words show them that i will be there for them no questions asked anytime and then i look at the person's fucking bio here and gone in a flash it's contradicting none of these people are taking the piss you know what i'm gonna here comes a comment

writing no there we go wrote no dude you know what i'm done here man i'm done okay um let's see let me fuck let me round this out dude support the podcast you want to be an elder i haven't labeled an elder you got to help support bro you got to fucking be out there repping the podcast hard this is a fucking war. You're either a fucking baby or a cuda. You cuda, you're posting long captions on Instagram about how much the world means to you. You cuda, you comment taking the piss out of them.

You baby. That's the kind of support we need in this fucking cult, man. Help me help you. You can support the podcast any way can put it anyway you can go out there talk about the podcast tell people their cooters when they're cooters tell people that you look at them sternly in the face when they're fucking with you and you say turn around i get to fuck you in the ass for what you did to me and did to for to society. Go to crystalia.com. Free cunt shirts.

Support the podcast. Congratulations shirts. You got to want to do it subtle with the artwork, with the emoji artwork. You're a fucking baby. Rate and review the show. Go itunes and rate and review the show leave you know five stars or whatever what the most stars is tweet me at the fucking hashtag congratulations pod come to upcoming shows let me know you're a baby after the show, not during it. Because if you call out during the show, you cuda. It's simple.

There's rules. You cuda or you baby. Upcoming shows, we got Nashville. We got Australia. I added Perth. I added Brisbane. I added Adelaide. Narnia. I added Brisbane. I added Brisbane. I added Adelaide. Narnia.

I fucking am going to Salt Lake City. Nashville's almost sold out. You guys are the cooters and they're coming out, man. Not the cooters. You're the babies. You're coming out, man. Pretty soon we'll have cooters out there with fucking signs saying, no more Chris. No more Chris. That's what I need you

the most, man. Remember movement watches. My listeners get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to MVMT.com slash congrats. That's MVMT.com slash congrats. Go be sleek and cool. Movement watches. And Square Cash. You switched yet? From coughing and getting pink eye to getting the app?

Download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. Merchandise stuff getting restocked this week. We're adding more free cunt shirts. And we got a new design that's killer. It's coming up soon. You guys are going to flip, dude. It's the real baby shirt, man. That's not what it says.

I'm just saying. It's coming up and it's going to fly so you guys better be ready. You guys better be checking that fucking website. Man on fire. Go watch it.

If you haven't watched it, tell your friends. Hashtag it, man on fire. You guys are awesome, man. Thank you for supporting this podcast. You make me want to keep on trucking, dude. You make me want to keep on trucking. Now, look.

This podcast, look. There's a message in there, okay? It's going to be fine, but there's a message in there. And now... Congratulations. Congratulations, motherfucker! Congratulations, motherfucking Bob, you bitch! Motherfucking right in the motherfucking mouth, motherfucker!