Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 270. The Smell of Idris Elba

Episode Date: August 25, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris visits the House of The Dragon, a smelly valet, and he and Kristin took Cal to Color Me Mine. You know Idris Elba smells so good right?  👉 10% off Pure Spectrum CBD, use code CONGRATS at checkout purespectrumcbd.com Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of americam express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions hey guys and welcome to another episode of congar galatians take it away grand prairie texas i'll be in your city it's near dallas I'll be in your city. It's near Dallas. I will be in your city Friday. It is Friday. It is Friday is when I'll be there and August 26th. And it is time to get tickets now because it is either Wednesday or Thursday when you're listening to this or even Friday. So coming out to the show, I'm there with the crew um and then wichita august 27th on saturday i will be there with the crew and then i will come home for two weeks and go to atlanta that's sold out

uh and then i will go to washington dc september 10th i don't know how many tickets are left for that or i think there's some left but uh those are the ones and then we got to go stockton and oakland dude it's just going to keep going on and on i guess i don't know sometimes um i think about when i will retire really honestly you know um because i don't know how long you're supposed to do stand up i know you know seinfeld is out there still doing it and fucking uh other guys are out there still doing it. Uh, and I don't know. I don't know. I fucking love it. Maybe it'll be a thing where I kind of back off and don't do as much as, you know, I used to do shows. Fuck man. Like three times a night. Like there was like, I mean, I would get show, I would do shows. I had these on as a joke, but now I'm actually not, I'm being serious. Um, I would do shows, uh these on as a joke but now i'm actually not i'm being serious um i would do

shows uh three times a night man i mean i was probably doing like 15 shows a week that that wasn't uncommon and now i don't you know i do maybe three i think i did actually five or six this week but that's because i'm getting ready for the tour um so yeah we'll be there we also have exclusive merch at on the tour that is only able you're only able to get it we have the life rips uh live and the uh what do you call it the is it don't push me live with the dates on it it's really fucking cool i'm excited about it oh also these came out the brown version of the fucking worldwide shits um and we got we got fucking uh the whole set dude i love the sets man you know fall's coming and uh the sets fucking unbestankable dude that's a new word

uh it's unbelievable with the fucking sweats oh they're nice as shit they're comfy wear them on flights anyway um so go to chrislea.com and get all that shit i don't know why i show it to you when we got the pictures right here anyway um but yeah man we have a good time so i'll be out and doing tours and shit last one i went to was phoenix thanks um last one i went to was phoenix and that shit was unbelievable um we had a good time we did two there and uh and that's what's up I guess man What's been going on this week

Well I did a bunch of shows First of all let me just thank you guys for listening I'm feeling really grateful today You know I want to be appreciative to you guys I'm feeling good about life I'm feeling grateful You know Some days are a struggle

And you know I think about some days are a struggle and, um, you know, I think about mental health a lot more lately. Um, and, uh, you know, it's, uh, it's hard. I let this stuff get to me sometimes in the world and, um, just want to be a fucking somebody that, uh, does, you know, does the right thing, does good in the world. And it's a fucking, you know, it's tough, dude. You know, I want to, you know what I want to be for real i decided this the other day i want to be religious i want to be a guy who's like uh like believes in god and just goes to church sometimes and but it's like one of those cool dudes that That's like, yeah, you know, you don't have to believe in God, but I do. I don't want to have to push it on you and shit, but I want to have, I want to believe

in something, man. I've been thinking about this the other day and I told my friends and they laughed, dude. And it was funny, but I, I meant it, dude. It is funny to hear me say that, but also I mean it. I wish there was something, you know, that I could, uh, believe in like a higher power, you know, and there is, there are like my friends or my family, you know, something that's greater than myself that I can, I can, I can rely on and that can help me. And those are, that's my family. That's my, my crew, you know? But it sucks because no matter how much I want to believe in God,

there's always that thing where it's like, okay, I want it to be proven, and then people are like, but hey, dude, that's what faith is. And I'm like, that, just can we get a little bit of proof though, right? Can we get a little bit of proof though, right? Can we get a little bit of proof though? Can one day Jesus just be like, and you look over and it's Jesus, and then he goes, and you're like, okay, well, okay, I have faith. I have faith. And then religious people will be like, but that's not faith though,

because you saw Jesus. And then you'll say stuff to like religious people like, well, I've never seen Jesus. And then they'll say some annoying ass shit like, well, can you see air? But you know it's there. And you're just like, Jesus Christ, okay. I can't talk to you. But all of these feelings, how could you feel all of these feelings without a Jesus? How could you feel all of these feelings without a higher power? And you know what, dude? Maybe. And I'm not the guy who's like, no, no, no, no, there's no Jesus or there's no God. I should stop saying Jesus. There's different religions. There's no God, right? I can't say there's no God. How the fuck do I know? Who the fuck do I think I am to know about that? Whoa, he's starting off hot,

but I want to be religious. Hey, dude. I want to jump in the lake. Right? I want to put all my clothes in and jump in the lake. And I have another man pet my head. I guess I'm just not there yet, man. I hope I am.

Really. Because you see religious people around. And they're fucking fucking you know they got their their battles and shit but they walk around and they know something else is out there and maybe it's not but they know it is and that's good enough for them dude and here's the other thing man I never really believed in heaven because my idea of heaven is you get there and you chill and you have a good time. There's a lot of turkey sandwiches. People give you massages, mostly women. And you're just kind of fucking watching a bunch of TV that doesn't really matter. Right?

Not like important shows like fucking in the lexicon, like Game of Thrones, like you're watching Fear Thy Neighbor or, you know, some dumb documentary that has four episodes about like GameStop. You're watching that. But Kristen's idea of heaven is not that. It's like there's, we're not watching that. She's like like, scrolling through TikTok, and, like, the house is decorated in a way that I don't want it to be. So how the fuck are we going to be there together? Don't husbands always want to be in heaven with their wives? I mean, probably not. But I do.

So what is it? Say you got eight kids, and you love all of them, but two of them hate you, you want them in heaven, they don't want to be in your heaven, so then what, but I want to believe it, dude, my buddy said to me one time, you know, because a lot of people are like, well, when you get to heaven, you get to have all the women you want, and all the sex you want, and then my buddy said to me one time, you know, because a lot of people are like, well, when you get to heaven, you get to have all the women you want and all the sex you want. And then my buddy said, dude, when I get to heaven, I want that sexual urge removed from me. I want to be stress-free.

And I was like, that's the ticket, dude. That's the ticket, man. That's my heaven. But I don't really believe in heaven, and I want there to be a heaven, dude. But that's the thing about religion. Even if there is no heaven, who's it hurting? Besides all the fucking wars and shit. You know what I mean?

Besides the people literally dying and shit. Like literally being fucking shot and burned and fucking cut off their heads. And all the wars through all of humanity. Besides that, the day-to-day shit of it. When you're running into a religious guy, he's not a piece of shit. He's just living his own life smiling. It's a very convoluted and intricate thing to think about.

At least for me, man, but I'm a dumbass. I just wish there was something out there that I could fucking really get behind, man. You know, and it's my kid, right? But he's real. I can see him right there. I don't know. It's just what I've been thinking of lately, man.

You know? And then I fucking get into the car on the way back from the doctor's and the valet guy that brought it is like, have a good day. And I'm like, I'm going to give him this much of a tip and then i go you know what i'm actually going to give him more of a tip because what the fuck does it matter to me and he'll probably be more happy so i give him more of a tip and then i get in the car dude and it smells like a fucking department store dracar noir all over the guts dude I swear to god it was like he fucking got ready in my car this morning

he goes fucking let me get your Mercedes whoop whoop in his mouth dude and then drove up and said thank you sir gave him a little bit more money cause what's it matter to me and then fucking got in the car and wished I didn't but ain't that just how life goes i had to open up all the windows and fucking drive around town um a manly cologne is just awful. I mean, all cologne and perfume is just awful.

Uh, but I did, I went to the doctors and, um, and it was, uh, great dude. Went to the doctor,

dude, I got a jokey ass doctor. I'll tell you that much. I got a jokey ass doctor. You ever have a jokey ass doctor? And I don't want this fucking sounds like a bit. It's not a bit. I'm not even going to get into it,

but I got a jokey ass doctor and that's it. And I don't want to get into it. And that's fine. That's for. I'm not even going to get into it, but I got a jokey ass doctor and that's it. And I don't want to get into it. And that's fine. That's for me to know. I have that experience with him. He's a great fucking surgeon when it comes to nasal shits. Cause guess what? Fuck yeah, dude.

My nose is better. I thought it wasn't going to be better. And you were along for that ride with me, weren't you? You thought it might not be better. I was complaining. It was hard. Is it worth it? I used to, when I would fucking, I would hold my nose like this. I would hold my one, my nostril. If I could only breathe through this nostril with no mouth,

I would end up passing out. I'd have to release my thumb and now I can do it for fucking, I can just do it. I could just hold my thumb there like that so if you see me picture me out there like that not passing out so he made it work now was it worth the money probably not but he said i'll live longer so okay if i get to live longer to be with my fucking you know be with the homies then that's what's up because i don't believe in heaven but maybe it does exist but maybe it does exist dude um so yeah i went in and he checked it dude and he didn't even numb at that time and i was so happy dude i hate when he numbs it i hate getting numbed up in there up in that piece when they numb your fucking brain dude when they just stick two prongs up there and i go what's that and he says that's the numbing shit and then my brain looks like fucking it just god i hate that shit i hate it more than the surgery, to be honest. Surgery, you don't even feel it.

You just pass the fuck out. So it's all good, my babies. Anyway, dude, so my nose is fixed. It's still tender. And every time I ask him why it's still tender, he says, because I went in there and I cut it up. And I want more of an explanation. Yes, dude. And every time I ask him, that's what he says.

Because I go in there and I cut your whole face up he's too jokey yes dude tell me in doctor terms well the reason is because the capillaries and the this and that and then i gotta i ended up you know what it feels like when you get the nose surgery the uh what is it called not fucking sinoplasty what did i get sino something not rhinoplasty sinus whatever the fuck it is sinus septic septic sino septic tank septoplasty got it fuck yeah septoplasty got it with no help um septoplasty and you know what it feels like dude for those of you that need to get it because a lot of you apparently 85 people have deviated septums oh oh oh it's too many people What's everyone running the fuck into? What did I run into?

I don't know. I have no idea what I ran into. I said, was I born like this? And he said, no, nobody's born like that. And I said, I ran into something with my face. And he said, yes. And I said, I don't remember. He said, well, that's what happened.

So I go, okay. My brother has it too. And I know why. Because he ran into another person's fucking the back of his head. And that's why he has it. But 85% of the people have it. That doesn't mean you need to have surgery right god damn i talk so fast dude but um that doesn't mean you need to have surgery but what it does mean is you might need to have surgery right and i fucking uh it's uh you know it feels like you know what it feels like after like a month and a half of it it feels like you know know what it feels like?

After a month and a half of it, it feels like when you floss your teeth, that's the kind of pain you have in your nose, and that's awesome. It feels good because it feels good when you brush your teeth, so it feels good in my nose. Now, I don't know if everyone has that experience, but I told him that, and he goes, yeah, yeah, that is how it feels. Anyway, dude, whatever. He said his family came to my shows, and I had no fucking idea.

And he was like, I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to just fillet him. He kept saying, what did he say? I didn't want him to fuck. I didn't want you to fillet him. What was it? Fillet him? I think that's what he was saying. But he kept saying, he's like, because I got a lot of comedian patients that come in here

and I send my family to their shows and they just absolutely fillet him. I didn't want to make you wig out. And I'm like, yeah, no, it's all good. It's just a job. But he's a good doctor. Shout out to Dr. Nassiri. So, yeah. You know, I don't know, man.

I was on, I was actually on, I was on Rick Glassman's podcast, Take Your Shoes Off. And it's out there now. And it came out already because this will be out. And it was really good to sit down and talk to him, man. I love that dude. You should go check out that podcast. Actually, you know what? Rick is one of the silliest dudes I know.

And I would say he thinks probably I'm one of the silliest dudes he knows. And we started a little bit silly, but boy, did we actually get fucking not so silly, man. Didn't expect for that't expect for that to happen you know what's weird too about these podcasts let me tell you what's weird about these podcasts like we do podcasts comedians they'll do each other's podcasts and shit and thank god i mean god sometimes it's like such a hustle it's like okay i'll do yours you do mine it's so fucking annoying i don't have any guests i don't have to have people on here but also like these podcasts they're these podcasts, they're the only, like, they're the only times these comedians talk to each other. You know, the rest of the time they're just talking at each other or like, Hey, how you doing?

What'd you have for dinner? This is the longest conversation. Rick Glassman, I would consider him a pretty damn good friend. I've known him for 15 years and I haven't fucking had a conversation with him like this in forever. hour no an hour and 40 minutes we talked um so yeah i took calvin over to fucking i was with kristen and i took calvin over to color Mine. You know what Color Me Mine is? It's one of those places where you can go in and pick a like a ceramic thing. And they got all sorts of ceramic things, like

anything from like ceramic spiders to like coffee mugs to like a vase to a hat, you know, you don't, not a hat you wear, but like a ceramic hat that you would paint Anything They have flowers They have little village Like mushroom cottages

And shit And Kristen was like I'm going to take Calvin To Color Me Mine And it's one of those things Where I'm like Oh that's cool That's like a mommy son thing

But also I secretly think She wants to go to Color Me Mine Because she loves to do crafts But it's a good thing For them to bond with And also I want my son to be Fucking

I mean my son boy he's laser focused When he's drawing that motherfucker It looks like he's trying to find an antidote For AIDS or some shit I mean he's just seriously Will you put an Etch-a-Sketch in front of him I mean my god dude It's like he's fucking

Tommy Lee Jones in Blown Away Trying to make the last bomb I mean he's fucking with just classical music, you know, in the background. Calvin just painting a mushroom palace. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Now, is this something that four years ago, Chris D'Elia would have done or would have thought he would have done? No. Will Chris D'Elia have thought,

oh, in four years, I'm going to go to Color Me Mine with my family? No. But I did. And I went and I showed up and I said, Calvin, what do you want to paint? And he said, I want to paint this and picked up a fucking ceramic spider. And I said, are you sure? And he goes, yes. And he says, oh, and he looks over at a vase and he says, look at that, that, that.

And I said, is that what you want to paint? And he picked up the spider and he said, no, I'll paint this. And I said, oh, okay, cool. And then he looks at the spider and he said, no, I'll paint this. And I said, oh, okay, cool. And then he looks at the skull and he says, oh, look at that, that, that. And I said, very cool skull, huh? And then he picks it up and says, I'll paint this. So now I'm like, hey, stop getting fucking distracted and pick something. Because I want you to paint what you want to paint being a kid is the shit you know you just do shit until you want to do something else

right isn't that it you're just fucking doing shit until something else you get a hankering for something else right like the other day my son ate candy and then turkey hey guy that's fucking disgusting don't the sweets deteriorate your tongue and then you want cold cuts you want a fucking dude we got these like you you want these you want those fucking sour pumpkins those sour pumpkin those sour patch pumpkins, and then turkey and mustard. What's going on in your mouth, dude? But that's what he wanted and that's what he did. So he wanted a spider and then he said he wanted a skull. And I asked him if he was sure three times and he said yes.

So we took the skull and we brought it over and then Kristen got a fucking little, um, what do you call it? Pot that she wanted to paint Because she's like a real person And she's thinking like I'll paint it and I'll like actually use it In my house which I'm like she's one of those people That go to color me mine to like That actually like does like work You know

So I'm sitting there and I'm like what colors you want buddy And he goes that one and he's pointing all the colors And he's pointing to like five of the same colors I'm like buddy you got to pick different colors otherwise it's all gonna look the same but secretly i'm kind of happy that he's doing it because i love being monochromatic you know me dude i mean look at the new merch it's fire and it's all brown dude pants and shirt and hat monochromatic till the fucking cows come home you know what i say so um so so now uh we pick different colors he starts painting the skull oh and uh and and

kristen's like why don't you pick something and i go i don't i don't i'm just you know i'm along for the ride and she says it's fun and i know she means it's fun for her and i should join because it's and i'm like i don't really want to paint something but maybe it's an experience i should if you're like me dude you know what's fucking annoying as shit sometimes? Experiences. Like you figure shit out your whole life. You get to a point where you know what's up and that's your life. And then people are like, you know, you should join us on a retreat.

And you're like, hey, hey, hey, I don't do retreats. My shit is I wake up, I get coffee, I eat a sandwich, I do a show, and then I fucking see what's up. You know, I see what's up. And you know what I mean by see what's up? Because five years later,

I was definitely seeing what's up, right? Five years earlier. Five years later, when I'm 48. And so... five years earlier five years later when i'm 48 and um and so now i'm like you know like you got to change in life dude if you're not changing your it's a death of some sort you have to keep growing and changing and evolving and if you don't that's a death of some sort right i i think i don't think that's a death of some sort, right? I think, I don't think it's literal death. Sometimes it is literal death, right?

What you love, what you need to keep doing that will kill you if you're not living right, but you need change. Certainly if you're not living right, but you also need change. Even if you're living some sort of life that you think you figured out and you are living right. Because if you're not, I feel like that's a death of kind of exploration and creativity that maybe, maybe might benefit you. So I'm at Color Me Mine. You know, and maybe that's not somebody's definition of changing their life. But you know what? God damn it, it is.

Because I don't go to Color Me Mine, and I stepped in the place, and I stepped in the place to watch. And as a matter of fact, I'm still changing because Kristen said, why don't you paint something? And I said, yes. So I looked at the things on the fucking shelf, and I'll be god damn, there was a mug on it that said dad so I picked up that mug and they asked what colors I wanted and I said green and blue and there's like nine spots for colors on the fucking palette thing there and they said is that

it and then Kristen said, why don't you get more colors just in case? And in my head, I thought one change at a time. Okay. And I looked at her and I said, nope, just blue and green. Thanks. And I painted the cup green and the word dad blue. And I did that while my son painted the skull and all he did was paint the front of the fucking skull and he should have painted fucking more of it but you don't disturb an artist and if that's what he wanted to do that's what he wanted to do and yeah kristin ended up fucking filling in the rest but it's okay dude well this hat looks fucking legit look how fucking fucking cool I look, dude.

Wow, dude. Look at that hat, dude. So yeah, man. That's what's up. I got a mug. I don't know if I won't have it by the time this happens. I'll have it next episode and I'll be fucking drinking out of it, dude. Dad city. It's cool, man. I painted the handle green, too.

I painted the handle green and everything green. I had to go over it a few times. It's going to look fucking not so good, but she's like, you're actually doing the handle green too, I painted the handle green and everything green, I had to go over it a few times, it's gonna look fucking not so good, but she's like, you're actually doing it really good, and I'm like, I don't need that, I don't need that, baby, thank you, let me just paint this, I don't really need that, oh, man, oh, shit, I hit the fucking thing. All good. Saw the new fucking... Oh, while we were at fucking... I forgot about this, dude. While we were at Color Me Mine.

Dude, there were these two... I'm going to assume females. You know, you got to assume these... You can't assume, but you got to if you're going to assume females. You know, you got to assume these. You can't assume, but you got to if you're going to tell a story about them, right? You can't just be saying everyone's they in the story. Then people are going to be like, but what were they? And you're like, well, I don't know. And then you get out of that conversation.

So these two women, I think probably because they look, they were women. I don't know. I don't know what to do to not get in trouble. Two people that were, two people that had tits. They had tits. And so, and it's fine. And that's what, and not even in a sexual way. They had breasts.

How about that? Tits sound sexual. They had breasts. So two people who had breasts that color me mine. And they were adults. They were like 30 painting 30 painting and i was like that's sweet that they like to do that they meet each other and they're at color me mine and the two women probably they're there and they're painting each other's fucking they were painting little like people they both picked kiebler elves houses and they were good dude they were fucking coloring it in

and killing it and they were both wearing masks and that was one of the reasons why i thought maybe maybe they're women but maybe i shouldn't assume because let's face it dude the people who are really interested in the pronoun stuff most of the time will be wearing masks indoors and i'm not just like now maybe not most of the time but i was erring on the side of caution it doesn't really matter to my podcast i got the fan base it's all good And you're with me. Okay. But I'm going to say that they were probably women and I'm going to roll with that. And the reason why I say probably, but I'm not sure is because they had short, they both had short hair.

I don't want to say that, you know, that's also a stereotype. Men have short hair. Women have longer, but that's, and I get it. Women could have short hair. Men who have tits can have short hair. Women who don't tit you know what i mean the whole gamut these people had short hair and tits is what i'm trying to get at okay and they were painting those houses and whatever they were they were killing it dude these shits looked like i mean i saw kristen look over and was like oh yeah bitch probably you know what i mean i could do oh you think oh really okay

well let me get my jar out and paint the shit out of these diamonds on it so calvin is a very curious boy dude it turns out i raise very curious boys when I splurt and they come out nine months later, they're very curious. So he keeps pointing to the woman and says

really loudly what's he making? really loudly, what's he making? We're in a dilemma. And I say, oh, well, that is a little mushroom, Keebler Elf House. And he goes, oh.

And it happened ten fucking times. And Kristen and I kept side-eyeing each other and hopefully they weren't offended. And in that sense, they make sense because there were two of them. My baby, I'm just trying

to keep with the times. And you know me, I'm woke as shit. Don't put some people call me a space cowboy. Some people call me Maurice. That song sucks and everyone knows it. Some people call me the Bats. I said it for my shows coming up, dude. I'm very excited for my shows coming up, dude.

I do like 50 minutes. I watch that new House of Dragons, the new Game of Thrones shit. House of Dragons and shit And like I try so hard You know I'm on my tutor shit Right Like you know I'm on my tutor shit Like when I watch that shit

Jonathan Rice Have two names by the way You're kind of an asshole if you're like Actually it's Rice in the middle Come on dude you know you're not actually in those old times i get it when you were like fucking sir henry the fucking yada yada but like come on of right of a place start calling me You know Chris of Beverly Hills that's me dude Beverly Hills

Chris D'Elia Of Beverly Hills Um So uh Yeah dude so uh I'm watching so I'm like I'm on my tutor shit Okay and I'm watching about it Not only do I watch about my tutor shit, okay? And I'm watching about it. Not only do I watch about the tutors, I pause it and then I start Googling about what's going on.

What actually happened with Henry VIII, right? Because I'm smart. I don't just sit and I watch a show like a, I'm smart. I do research afterwards, okay? And so I'm watching Tudors And Every time I say Tudors I think of fucking people who fart

Like toot I'm watching Hello we have to behead you now Now that's the essence of this podcast Right there Hello look what your majesty Look what we are gifting to your majesty. A chalice. Wow.

This is one for the ages. Hello, Chancellor. Yes. What beautiful fabric on that. Off with his head So and then the executioner while he does it And then when the guy lops his head off Just so much fucking tooting going on Tooters

The tooters dude See this is why I like having a fucking podcast by myself with no one else on it because they would just fucking interrupt and shit and the bit would get all weird um so uh yeah if I'm on my tutor shit and then Kristen's like oh that fucking

House of Dragons shit is and I'm like what is that I was like is this a new reality show I don't even know and she's like it's that Game of Thrones thing but it's 300 years earlier and I'm like dude i didn't even like game of thrones now i gotta watch not even after it before it it's gonna be more boring they got less shit probably as time moves on there's more shit and i gotta watch the prequel to something where they barely had anything except dragons that didn't even show up until the fucking fifth season, by the way, dude,

fourth season, whatever it was, dude, I fucking watched it and there were no dragons. And then by the fourth season, there was finally like one or two dragons. And I got, I was like, this is what I've been waiting for. I'm out, dude. I'm out. And people about the thing are like, dude, you were, you, you left right when it gets good. Hey, four seasons. You left right when it gets good. Hey, four seasons? If I fucking order a burger and 11 bites are bad, I'm done. Nah, keep eating, bro. Just wait.

I fucked up with that burger. i'm watching the fucking uh so she's like let's put it on come on and she doesn't even want to watch it in the fucking room i want to watch it in which is the worst bro you know i'm like can we just watch it with the fireplace and have it nice we don't even want the fireplace on it's hot as shit and our air conditioning doesn't work but i'm like can we just have it on the in the fucking in where the fireplace is dude and uh and she's like no i want to watch it like where this is and i'm like fucking god and end the show i don't want to watch but okay though dude you know what i mean even though we did color me mine and i didn't really want to do that and yes i had a good time and a lovely time with my son. And I did that. Uh, and that wasn't one of my things that I wanted to do yet. I still fucking

said, okay. And we watched the show in the room that I didn't want to watch and that's fine, but I sucked it up and I watched it and dude, I can't, I don't know what it is about this shit. I cannot pay attention to these kinds of shows for more than four fucking seconds. to these kinds of shows for more than four fucking seconds it's it's like there's so much brown in it dude and it's like you know there's a voiceover for sure and then like a dragon and then like i'm like i you know what it's just like in the house of dragon, Targaryen, and that's when, and 300 years, and the fucking, and you're just watching this shit, and you're like, all right, okay. And then a guy walks in with long as shit blonde hair,

and you're like, all right. No, it's white, sorry. Long as shit white hair, and you're like, oh, cool, all right. That's kind of an interesting looking guy. And then it cuts to the other guy he's talking to, and the other guy's got long as shit white hair. And they just are like talking to each other.

And then they say, well, we have to talk to the other guy in the fucking other room. And then they go to another room and there's fucking three guys and they all got like long white hair. And then a black guy comes in and he's got long white hair. And I'm just like, nobody's going to say anything about this long white hair in the beginning of, I understand they live with it, but say something for us. It's like when, when, when Jason Momoa is in a movie, this is what my brother always says, but like when Jason Momoa is in a movie, why aren't there at least two or three scenes in every one of his movies where somebody says, whoa, dude, you're huge. You're huge.

Let's get past. He's too big to be in movies, you know? Jason Momoa is going to just like play a guy? But you're seven feet tall, 980. But you're way more than a Humvee too. Sorry, sir. You weigh more than an H2. Jason Momoa is so Jason Momoa

that one time I saw Jason Momoa before he was a movie star when I just knew about a guy that got a part to the new Conan movie and I saw him and I thought oh that's Jason Momoa and I was right and that is the God's honest truth, dude. And I was with Brian Callen and he walked up to me. He was like, wow, man, you're a big dude. I swear to God. But you know, he's obsessed with bodies. But that's what happens when Jason Momoa walks into a room.

Maybe if he's Aquaman, okay, he's a superhero. But dude, you know, if he's just a guy with a gun and shit. Like he's in a movie with Sylvester Stallone I saw on a plane one Because that is one plane watching ass movie dude I mean if you're going to watch What are the most two actors that you would watch That would be in a movie in a plane

Because that's the thing too It's like it wouldn't be the number one It wouldn't be Like you think of a fucking A Jeremy Renner movie You think oh that's a big movie star I would go to the movie theater for him Because I love him right

But then if you couple him with a certain person You might be like I'll wait for that at home Dude It's very few stars that have that I'll go no matter what Right no matter who they're coupled with Like you know what I mean?

Wow, that's fucking hilarious. Like, if you fucking couple, like, Jason... If you go see Jason Momoa movie, you might go to the theater because it's going to be Aquaman. It's going to be whatever the fuck, Dune. If you see a Sylvester Stallone movie, maybe not now, but back in the day, dude, you would go. It would be a blockbuster. I love Sylvester Stallone movie maybe not now but back in the day dude you would go it would be a blockbuster I love Sylvester Stallone but you put those both motherfuckers in a movie and that shit is best seen on a screen that's 8 by 12 but Jason Momoa is gonna play the guy with a gun that walks in a warehouse

and Sylvester Stallone's not gonna be like, whoa, this guy's really big, huh? He's just gonna be like, hey, huh? So do it for us, House of Dragons. Well, that's because we've all got white hair,

right? And that's why, because we all got really, really fucking, there was the age of terrify, remember that? When the fucking... When the devil himself rose up and scared all of our ancestors and everyone went white hair and that's what happened and now we all have the white hair.

Anyway, who will we be heading? They ripped the Tudors song for real Sounds just like Tudors dude Crystalid.com But yeah man So I don't know man But maybe they did a lot of violins back then But I don't know man I don't know, man.

I don't know about that House of Dragons with the Targaryens or whatever the fuck they're called. I don't understand. That's the thing about... Part of it is, okay, magic. I'm not really into shows with magic, period. The second a wizard shows up, I'm like, okay, unrelatable.

Right? Or like, you know, like I'm not really into that kind of a thing. I'm not into magic. I'm not into like sorcery. I'm not into somebody who can like fucking, I'm not into like a woman who predicts the future that everybody has

to go to in a tower to find out what's going to happen. And also, if you're going to make up a fucking, like, a, this is, look, the story is all bullshit, right? Like, it didn't happen, right? This is all bullshit. It's from some really creatively shit guy's mind, right? Some real, like, you know, just, I don't know, he looks like

he would work at a fucking hardware store, that Tolkien guy, and that's not even him, it's the other guy, but whatever. And so, you're going to make up bullshit, right? Just that's what it is in its true form. It's actual bullshit. So that's fine, but why are you making everybody's name so hard to remember

and letters that are together that are never together where you're like tergeria to chair gergerian gerian could get terrarian chair barian care barian what the fuck is that guy who is he again and they all got white hair so you don't know who's who so like work with me. You know what I mean? If I'm going to sit and watch the show name him fucking Frank Drebin. Hello.

Hi Frank. Hello Todd. Whoa. Let's go. Let's go on the fucking trek. Okay Todd. Shall we grab Lisa? Lisa who? Lisa, Lisa Smith?

Wow, yes, that's right. It's not that I forgot her name because it's very easy to remember. It's that I actually fucking just didn't know it. But like, why, like why why why because it makes it better i guess right that's hilarious and then they got shows like the two like the tutors where fucking henry k not henry cable he's in it henry um harry k styles jonathan reese myers what the fuck is playing playing Henry VIII and just didn't wear a fat suit or dye his hair red.

He was just like, no, which is hilarious. Like, hey, guy, he's a real person in history, and he didn't do shit about it, just walking around all handsome as shit. Henry VIII was a six-foot-three fat fuck. He was ugly as shit. I don't even know why Jonathan Rhys-Myers was going to play. The eighth was a six foot three fat fuck. He was ugly as shit. I don't even know why Jonathan Rees-Miles was going to play. He was supposed to put on like a fat suit and makeup and prosthetics. And he was just like, no, I'm not doing that.

You want me to do the part? I'll fucking do it my way. And he did it. And that's it. And then Henry Cavill is in it. Everyone in the fucking show is so attractive. And let me tell you something, dude. I don't actually necessarily think Henry Cavill is my type of fucking sexy, right?

Like, I don't fuck guys. But if I was gonna, Henry Cavill would not be one that I did. Right? He just seems too much a guy that would be like on a date and be like, so what music do you listen to? And you're just like this. Hip hop. You go. Right.

And I happen to actually, you know, it's interesting enough because I have been into dance music that has come out in the late 90s. I've been really, and I don't know if it's the nostalgia of it all, and I would just be like, oh, dude, boner removal. Oh, dude, induce me a little more. Right? Make me go bra-ca-ca-ca-ca.

Your face works fine. Let the convo initiate some bra-et but jonathan reese myers seems like a kind of a sexy dude that i might want to like you know do that shit with if i did fuck guys right because i'd be like on a date with him and he'd be like where the fuck is the waiter and you'd be like i don't know he's coming and he's like place fucking you know it's not one thing that they need to be good at and i'm like all right bro you got a little bit of an edge to you don't you dude don't you right and then you know it's fucking runk city horizontally so uh yeah but you know i'm not gay so that's never gonna happen but my point is i watched three seasons of the tutors and i'm in first season not gonna lie very boring might as well

be watching a fucking like that tiny desk shit or whatever the fuck everyone pretends to like right people are like oh no but like you'll be like dude tiny desk is hilarious they'll be like yeah did you see the usher one huh no no i didn't see usher on tiny desk did you when he goes fucking watch this that meme fucking laid me out dude when he goes watch this

dude when he did that that meme I just go like this oh I didn't even laugh I go cool and a priest came over forget it dude watch this I didn't even laugh. I go, cool. And a priest came over. Forget it, dude. Watch this. And then the memes were just, oh my god, dude.

I should post some. But yeah, dude. So I don't watch Tiny Desk. And I might as well watch Tiny Desk if you want to watch the first season of the Tudors. But then the second season of the Tudors, finally it going and that's 11 12 episodes in and then the third season was good you know and i'm watching henry cavell and i'm like this guy is a salad eating motherfucker you know just a fucking just he's toast you know like you don't ever eat just fucking toast you gotta put butter or jam on it but this guy's just toast you know like he is good looking but everything he's you know what i mean that comes out of his aura is just like i was in a toaster for 10 seconds and that's it and you're like oh and then season four starts

and they let his hair grow out and his beard grow out dude it's amazing what a little facial hair can do to a guy that's fucking that is a salad eating motherfucker i mean i wouldn't even go on a date with him. We would be on Tinder and match, and then I'd go right to his fucking castle and do the Runk City. I mean, he looks great, okay? So Henry Cavill, hats off to you for figuring it out.

You know Jonathan Rhys-Myers and fucking Henry Cavill hated the shit out of each other doing that whole thing like, because they were just both two good-looking dudes and Henry Cavill really didn't give a fuck but Jonathan Rhys-Meyers was like oh he's in the scene again alright cool oh he's in this one too great I thought it was going to be the other old guy we could have used him

but it's fine I guess you know it doesn't matter it's my dialogue that matters can we get a stoon for me to stand on I need to be taller than him how much are they both 5'8 dude did you watch imagine saying someone sincerely to someone sincerely did you see usher on tiny desk dude imagine actually fucking having those words come out of your mouth towards someone else.

Hey, did you see Usher on Tiny Desk? Tiny Desk should not be as big as it is. Okay? First of all, where are you shooting this? Is this in a public library? library and why is usher mac miller john mayer and fucking you know uh uh katie perry doing this why isn't it people like nelly frittato and again where are you filming this? It's, I don't, I'm not, I mean, Usher, dude? Watch this.

These are my confessions. Does anyone know the words to any song for real? That's so weird when people do, you know? I don't know any words to any song for real? That's so weird when people do, you know? I don't know any words to any songs. I only know some of them. It's always like, it's start-offs hot as shit, you know? Like, I'm good. Like, it'll be like, uh, fucking,

This is how we do it. Everyone knows that, right? This is how we do it. It's Friday night. The feeling's right. And the party's here on the west side. And then what? And I'm reaching a bag and I'm fitting my bodies. I'm in the events and I'm picking my cup. And you know a few. And then I got bested. And then you know this part, right?

Because I'm faded. And then that's it until ever since I was a lover. Okay, gee. And that's it. That's all you know, dude. If you know any more than that, you know, get a job. I get why you guys listen to this podcast, man.

You know, sometimes it's off the rails. It feels it's a bit off the rails, but that's what's up. I was talking to Rick Glassman on Take Your Shoes Off this week, and he was like, doing a solo podcast is very, very hard. He's tried to do it, and he doesn't like it, and he can't do it. And, you know, I think that we have something in common

because I think I can't do it too. And it is very hard, but I do it. And I am so fucking, I'm going to say something that annoying people say, blessed that you guys are here listening to me, man. Really, really appreciate you. Let's look at this thing here, what we got. Do we have things up on this shit? This was crazy, I thought.

Oh, wow, One Fire didn't check off all the stuff we're talking about. One Fire, check them all off, so I know what I'm talking about when I didn't do it. And he's doing it now. And that's too late. Now, it's all good, but it's too late. He's checking them, and it's all good, it's too late.

It's fine because all I see are unchecked fucking things that I haven't talked about. I have seven things. It's not hard. All good, but one fire. Okay? Now, one thing that he, now he's checking them like a fucking piece of shit. He just checked Calvin messing up pronouns and new Game of Thrones. And by the way, that's it.

Not the other ones. Take your shoes off. Already talked about that. You checked it? Ah, there we go. It's updating. Okay, here we go. One thing that's not checked, which is something I really want to talk about is Idris Elba.

Idris Elba, dude. first of all, Runk City, Idris Elba is the hottest man in the world, okay, he's also the hottest woman in the world, I mean, this guy's just got it fucking going on, how good does Idris Elba smell? For real. How good does Idris Elba he smells so good that like sometimes people actually

get a whiff and pass out like in a good way. They go, oh my God, that's actually and he goes alright And just keeps walking Sorry I'd stop but I'm on my set to DJ I've got a DJ for some reason Because I'm a DJ for some reason

I'm not even lying How much fucking molly does Idris Elba do Dude he does so much molly I guarantee it I guarantee that if you're at Hollywood events Idris Elba is on so much molly i guarantee it i guarantee that if you're at hollywood events edra edra's elba is on so much molly and always alone dude and just sweating and his fucking cuffs are opened you know and he's just like all right man hey i saw you i saw you i saw you down there i saw you down there it was really great man you to check out my new movie, Beast.

And then Moon walks away. So this thing is on deadline, and I got to, you know. Whoa, dude. House of Dragons draws 10 million viewers in debut. Best ever for HBO and HBO Max original series. 10 million views in one day, and Ibo and hbo max original series 10 million views in one day and i was one of them i turned it off no actually chris watched it twice so cool they got two of her that was mine that counted as mine all good so idris elba on daughter not this is the

fucking uh headline idris elba on daughter not speaking to him for weeks after not getting role in beast movie so he's in that new movie called Beast for some reason, and I know why. Money, right? Because Idris Elba is in some fucking really good shit, and he's always really good. And now all of a sudden, he's doing a movie where his co-star is a lion. So I'm just like, money. Okay? Idris Elba, if you're in a movie and your co-star is a lion and it's not, and the soundtrack isn't by fucking Elton John, money.

Right? So, so here's what happened, dude. Idris Elba is sharing the tense environment he lived through after his daughter, Isan, didn't land a role in his latest movie, Beast, for lack of chemistry on camera. Now, see, this is just what the media does, dude. Idris Elba and daughter not speaking in for weeks after not getting on the Beast movie.

Now, that's the line. That's the thing. You want to click on it. And then it says, sharing the tense moment after it didn't land the role. And it says, interestingly enough, he says it, interestingly enough enough my daughter auditioned for this role elba said during an appearance on the breakfast club she wants to be an actress and she auditioned

and it came down to chemistry in the end the relationship in the film did and the relationship between my daughter was the chemistry wasn't right for the film, weirdly enough. After not getting the part, he said that they didn't talk for weeks. I'm sure it was a joke or not, but the way the headline is makes it seem like they had a real falling out, which is annoying. It was a different producer that gave Ehsan the news. a different producer that gave Ehsan the news. She was doing the role, audition for the role of his little niece, I guess.

And then was like, and then Elba didn't go, didn't throw a fit about like, well, no, I want my daughter in it, which is cool for him to do that. You know, I don't know. It's tough. There is nepotism in the business that's why i like that

i do stand-up man because i know my dad's in the business but you know nobody's fucking laughing in the room because of my dad nobody knows who my dad is when i'm in fucking grand saint prairie or fucking dallas or wichita this weekend or fucking dc next one, you know? So yeah, dude, hey, it's not because I'm my dad's son that I can fucking shake a room, you know what I mean? Hey guys, that's it for today on the YouTube episode. If you want to catch the rest of the episode, all you got to do is go check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And there's the raw uncut rest of the episode for every episode that we ever do.

So it's much longer. And then also we have an extra episode a month. And if you sign up today for only $6, that gives you access to all the past episodes that you can't get not on Patreon. So that's like 16 episodes. Go binge and watch them. And then we can do review mode and we do other stuff. I did a little sit down with Kristen. You get access to that. We're always trying

to provide more content. Thanks a lot, guys, and have a good one. You