Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 275. The Psych Clause

Episode Date: September 29, 2022

Get tickets to Lifeline LIVE at watchlifeline.com! 🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia 👉 30% off your entire order by using code CONGRATS at originalgrain.com/congrats. 👉 10% off Pure Spectrum CBD, use code CONGRATS at checkout purespectrumcbd.com It's the 275th episode of Congratulations! This week we've got the release of Adnan Syed, trips to Sacramento and The Bay, Chris discovering reggae, and Rasta Drake. Don't forget to smile! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Whatever, dude. I'm just chilling. You know what I mean? And we're having a good time. And it's hot as shit in here. Yes, dude. Already hot. And it's September 20.

It's almost my mommy's birthday my mommy's birthday was a few days ago this came out i say almost because i'm recording it beforehand and when this comes out it will have passed and that's just how time works um but that's all good um we got the life rips jackets dude they've been fucking selling hard i did not know they would be selling hard but man i can't wait to see them at the shows. I see all your merches at the shows, dude. It's killing. And remember to get the merch. Go to ChrisLea.com Get all the, you get the periwinkle shits, you get the brown

shits. You get it all and you wear it at other people's stand-up shows. Look at that, dude. Played the same place Metallica played the other day for, I guess, you know, I don't know. I'm a fucking i'm a i'm a metal band is that a metal metallica i guess so metallic metallic is metal so um

yeah but uh did it and uh and did that and was played in oakland played in stockton uh stockton is i i actually have some clips I'm going to put on my other YouTube channel, the Chris Lea channel, uh, like, and subscribe, by the way, we can't break 580, 596,000 on this fucking, uh, YouTube channel, which is kind of fucking crazy weird, something going on with the shadow ban, I don't know, I hate when people say shadow ban, because it's like, mostly just like, it's not shadow ban, it's mostly just you suck, but very weird to gain thousands and thousands of subscribers and then all of a sudden don't. But whatever, dude.

I'm not a conspiracy theorist. Yes, Joe Biden is a lizard perhaps. But what I am saying is I played Stockton and I roasted Stockton a little bit just for fun, for funsies, you know. just for fun, for funsies, you know. I don't know what's up with my tour manager, but he's sending me to Stockton and also Rockford, Illinois, which is worse than Chicago when it comes to getting your wig pushback, playa.

So going to Rockford, Illinois, get your wig pushback, playa. Get your wig pushback. Get your head out, yes, playboy. And that's a real song and so uh par 106 get get get your head out yes playboy um so yeah so i uh i played stockton um and and it's a dangerous area i mean literally they told us don't go out. Don't go in. Dude, we rolled into Stockton. We flew in. First of all, we flew into Sacramento. Where you at?

And Sacramento, where you at? Dr. Dre. I remember one time when I was in high school, he goes we were listening to it. Sacramento, where you at? And I was with my friend Brandon Goody and I said, oh, hey Dr. Dre, you ever tried checking Sacramento? Dude, and he laughed so hard.

What a bad joke, dude. And so I played. By the way, thank you for listening. I'm very grateful you guys are here. I'm feeling grateful today. So my tour manager, Enrique, which Calvin calls Rike, he says, well, let's fly into Sacramento. Let's go to Stockton. We'll drive there.

We won't get a room because we'll just be there before the show for a few hours. And then we will leave. We'll do the show, leave Stockton, and go to Oakland right there because we shouldn't stay in Stockton because it's dangerous. And I'm like, how about we just don't play war zones? You know, how about we just play Oakland and then do maybe San Francisco? Now, granted now is San Francisco a place where you will see people shitting on the street? Yes. Is it a place where you will see people breaking not only into places, but also out of places? Yes. Is it a place where you will see people breaking not only into places, but also out of places? Yes. Is it a place where you see multiple people crying alone in their parked vehicles?

Yes. Is it a place where you will see guys fucking each other on the streets? Yes. Have I seen it all? Yes. Is it always freezing no matter what, even if it's in August? Yes. Now, does that make it a fucking hell on earth? Does it make it where they filmed Strange Days starring Ralph Fiennes? Yes. But is it all good? No, it's not all good. hell on earth does it make where fucking they filmed strange days starring raf raf finds a yes but is it all good no it's not all good and i don't like that place but it's a little bit less dangerous than stockton because you might get your what we push back in stockton right and we got so i said okay whatever we did it get to stockton now stockton's one of those places that

of course you have to walk around because you got to get something to eat especially if you're an added tenor especially if you're going to be performing in five hours. You can't not eat, right? So I get to the fucking place and I'm like, let's walk around for food. Now, there's one Greek restaurant. Now, I don't like Greek food. I don't like Mediterranean food. To me, it all tastes the same.

Have I tried it a bunch? Yes. Do people think that I'm narrow-minded and I need to try some more? Yes. But I've tried it a bunch of times and I don't like it. I like Greek salads and that's it, but I'm not in the mood for a Greek salad. I'm a growing boy, right? I need to get some, you know what I mean? Like give me a hefty sandwich or something. And so we say, what's the best place to eat? And somebody says that Greek restaurant. We go into the Greek restaurant. It's closed. It's 1 40 PM. Yes. What lunch place closes at fucking 1 40 p.m a front yes is it running drugs yes no doubt dude so it's closed so they say so i say to the bus boy what's another

good place points to another place down the street and he says you in a mexican and i said sure whatever i mean not really for lunch you know like if you're a white guy that eats mexican for lunch, you know? Like, if you're a white guy that eats Mexican for lunch, your day's done after that, you know? Eating three enchiladas and shit? And then just what? Going back to work? Bro, I'm sleeping after that, man. Dude, you want to put a, what? Like a carne asada burrito in your belly and then go back to work?

Crazy shit, man. burrito in your belly and then go back to work crazy shit man eat a burrito at 7 30 on and then that's it your night's over okay like it's the most fucking so but i'm like look whatever bro it's early enough before the show i'll take a little bit of a nap right and then i'll have the you know i'll have the you know i'll drink some coffee it'll be fine, sure. Put me into the direction of the Mexican restaurant. Points me into the direction of the Mexican restaurant. The Greek guy. Well, he was Mexican too, even though he was at a Greek restaurant. But, um, and he was like down there and we go down there, walk in. It's now one 45 lights are off. It's fucking closed, dude. So that's two restaurants at 1 45 PM that are just fucking closed on Friday. It's a workday Stockton. It's a front dude. Multiple people have gotten their wigs pushed back in these restaurants. No doubt. Right? So I go, what the fuck dude? So now I ask another guy

outside and I say, is there another place? And if guy points, oh, no, no, no, wait, that's not what happened. I say, all right, you know what? Google it and call him. I say to one of my guys that I'm with, right? Now I am a diva. I try not to be a diva, but if two places are closed and I got the fucking Hungries, guess what, dude? Shapeshifting into a diva, okay?

Where are these places? Call ahead of time, make sure they're open, all right? So we do it. Now, my fucking dude, one of my buddies is on Yahoo or Yelp. My other buddy is on fucking Google Maps. We're trying to triangulate where we go. So Mike Linoci, hilarious comedian that's working with me. Google's a place and he goes, this place looks bomb.

And I say, yeah, and he shows me the shit, shows me pictures. The pictures are from Yelp. Probably. I have no idea. It could be from Google images. I have no idea. Now are the fucking sandwiches banging? That would be a 100%. Yes. Do they look a bit unhealthy? Yes. Now have I been eating shitty? 100%. I got to keep it lean, but I can't when I'm on the road a lot. Your boy will eat multiple burgers and lots of red meats. Okay. I don't want to do that. I don't want to die early, but if I'm at a burger place, I'm going to get a burger.

I'm not going to get the chicken bowl because I'm here because we went to a burger place. And am I going to get cheese on my fries? Yeah, dude. All right. Because I want to live it up. I'm on the road and I, you know, I'm not fucking. So I'm gonna get the cheese fries. I told my therapist, Hey, look, I'm really trying to eat healthier, but it's really hard not to eat sweets. And she literally goes, Whoa, one thing at a time, you got to live somehow.

And I go, Oh shit. I'm getting the cheese fries. So I say, all right, dude, cheese fries on. Anyway, dude, the guy points. Oh, no. So, wow, totally went fucking totally brain farted. That's not the part of the story I was at. So, I mean, Jesus Christ, how did I do that? That that is insane that was literally another story that i was going to tell so the guy points fucking and so there he got all the infinity stones anyway so um just in the middle of a

fucking schindler's list thanos uh all right so so mike's like these sandwiches look bang so i'm like all right let's live it up dude let's fucking live it up dude now you know me you know me i like to order at a counter get a number sit down at whatever the fucking place i'm at whatever table we choose and have them bring the food or call and i go get it those are my spots dude those are my those are my spots okay do i like to sit do i like to sit down and get an order taken i'm not really into that it's more of a formal thing and if i'm on the road i like to run and gun it but if i have to and options are limited i'll sit down and a waiter can come by and i'll tell them what i want but my shit is to be like this to a menu. And then I say the thing,

and then they go, here, they give me a number or a fucking one of those that don't ring for some reason. They're way louder vibrating. You know? Like, just, they're so loud. Those discs that fucking Cheesecake Factory give you, it's like, just make it ring

yeah it's on the table it's just and you're oh shit it's like someone stepped on a goddamn land mine okay i guess we're ready i wish it rang so or just text me you know so like it's 2022 so um so then i'm like all right well look those sandwiches look banging let's just go there we're walking we're walking. We're walking. Now it's hot as shit. And I got, you know, my pits are getting activated. My armpits are activated. Armpits, colon, activated.

And swamp ass, colon, activated. And so I got swamp ass and, you know, my armpits are activated and um we're walking um and we are rolling up to the place and we walk well out of our way and enrique looks up and he says oh that's a now we're a block away we've walked multiple blocks in the fucking rip-roaring heat trying trying to get our wigs pushed back, right? And Enrique looks up and says, oh, it's a food truck. File's done. Summer is like a cocktail.

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Monte Cristo sandwich and just stand around, you know? I'm just gonna yeah, let me get and it's so Monte Cristo sandwich And just stand around You know I'm just gonna Yeah let me get And it's so hot And there's misters You know what I mean

With a fan One of those fucking little ones That are more annoying And I'm gonna say Monte Cristo And it's so hot with the tin And then with the tin foil And then eat it on the side of the road

And while I fucking And some guy's gonna Drive by in a lowrider and just pop and my wig is gonna get pushed back and I'm gonna die with fucking Monte Cristo sandwich all over myself. Yeah, right, dude. File's done. No fucking way, dude. I want a place where I can order it.

So I look to the note. I'm a motherfucker. Really? A food truck? Why are there even food trucks on Yelp? Don't they move? I don't like food trucks that are stationary because just get a place. Like you're cheating the system.

Do you know what I'm talking about? Like if you're in a place, if you're stationary so much as a food truck that you get to be on Yelp, get a fucking building. You're cheating the taxes probably. We're probably all paying. The city of Stockton is probably all, you know, if they got rid of these food trucks, the city would probably do better and there'd be less fucking wigs getting pushed back, player. So now I'm like, oh, good. I got extra swamp ass to look at a fucking foot. We're not going here.

And then he goes, ah, fuck. Well, at least we didn't walk that extra block. And I go silver lining. That silver lining is bullshit. So he's like, let me look. So we look again and there's another Mexican. I'm like, what's up with all these fucking Mexicans? There's so many Mexican restaurants. And Stockton is Mexican.

But bro, it is so white. Like, it's like that kind of white where a white guy's like, hey, hey, hey, what's up? And you're like, oh, fuck. Well, all the tattoos and he's five foot eight, you know, with a hat with the brim that's to the side, but straight. Oh, fuck. We get those pants at. Oh, what? Just that kind of guy.

So I'm like, all right. Well, you know, I already got swamp ass. I can't take a shower because we don't have a fucking room. There's a shower in the theater, but who the fuck uses that besides Slipknot and Mudvayne? Do you know what I mean? Like, who uses the showers in the theater besides Slipknot and Mudvayne and probably a weirdo like Jason Mraz? You know? Just fucking, well, you know me, I like to take a shower before the show and just,

but I don't, but I don't, but I don't, but I don't, that kind of shit with his, and Jack Johnson probably uses it too. I saw Jason Mraz on fucking Sesame street the other day. And I'm like,

all right, Calvin was watching it. Mr. A to the Z. And, uh, what's that fucking... If you did that and didn't do words, the song would be equally as successful. So anyway.

So anyway, I'm like, all right, let's go to this other Mexican restaurant. Call to see if it's fucking open. He calls it's open. So we get there and it's one of my spots, baby, dude. Hell yeah, man. open so we get there and it's one of my spots baby dude hell yeah man it's literally one of those fucking spots where you just order at the counter and just fucking sit they give you a number and i'm just like sensational and so we get the thing and this is the best because enrique is mexican you know what i mean which i'm just like i don't really think about ever because i don't

look i know you're not supposed to say know you're not supposed to say this. You're not supposed to say, I don't see color because you're supposed to see color and you're supposed to be like, okay, and acknowledge the color and respect the differences and move on and still be cool with it. And you're like, like black people don't like, I don't like see color because you'd be like, motherfucker, I'm black. Respect the blackness. And I'm just like, cool. I respect the blackness, right? Respect the blackness is a very good title for the episode um but uh i you know i know he's mexican but i don't ever think about it okay but so we're at a mexican restaurant okay and i didn't think about it i don't think about

when i walk in i don't think about oh hey we're in a mexican restaurant that's cool we got a mexican with us like i'm not a fucking racist and i see color but i don't see that much color right so i'm like we walk in and we're all doing the thing to the menu my shit which we're looking at the menu just like we're doing like this and i go quick bro i look one fucking thing at the menu and i go boom i probably want this burrito chicken burrito let's, right? Let's go ahead, give it to me on a plate. I'm going to house that, okay? I'm going to eat it like this. I'm housing it, okay? Put chicken in. What comes on this shit? I say, let me get the chicken burrito, and then I look under it, and I say, chicken supreme burrito, it says, and you get

guacamole in that and cheese, and I'm like, I that house that let me let me house that right let me fucking throw it up home to where there's a burrito outline in my neck for a little bit and then it wiggles and then it goes back down let me house that burrito okay so i'll pretend i'll pretend the fucking burrito is some homeless people and house it. Okay? I'll pretend that burrito is a homeless child and I'll house it. All right? Are you a runaway? Are you filled with chicken and guacamole?

Done, Matt. Either way, i'll house it uh so anyway i get the thing and i say burrito chicken with the fucking guacamole you know me but i go no sour cream because that's the kind of fucking dude i am because guess what i don't ever want in a burrito? White cream. All right? So I go like this.

Oh, fucking Chicken Supreme burrito. Let me house that. She goes, sure. Then Mike Linoche orders. Sure. Then my fucking cameraman orders whitest dude on the planet, Sam. He goes, let me have, you know, fucking, I don't know, I got the wrong thing.

Mike Linoche and him, they order wrong. And then Enrique steps up and he's just like, Un chelo carrado, un pico de minero, un pecado siempre muy bueno, el sobremejundo. And I'm like, hey, guy, go first. Hook us up. You're going to do this all along? Hook us. Hey, guys, hook it up.

Walk in and be like, I got this. Mi friend, mi amigo, mi amiga, mi chica, mi su prima, mi... And we're just fucking whiting it up. Yeah, and the guacamole is another sour cream. And, dude, Enrique comes in, like, fucking Don Juan de Stockton, just fucking,

and I'm just like, oh, God, I look at him, and he's like, what, I'm like, for real, bro? Fuck it up! up so you know then she's a fucking uh yeah you know jesus cristo mexicana you know and fucking spanish and so we get it i'm just like dude you know everybody better stop making mistakes because i'm a fucking diva on the road dude don't turn me into a diva uh so we get to fucking so we eat the shit and boy did i fucking house that i swear to god i mean it was just so big the burrito was so big and then lenochi's like oh fuck man you want to

trade half and half and i'm like i don't do that shit, bro. I order what I want. I'm not a bitch. I'm not like one of these motherfuckers that's like, oh, yeah, dude, I know what I want. I'm not going to, I don't second guess when it comes to food in my mouth, man. I know what's getting housed. So, you know, and then he's like, man. And then I said, what is that? Out of 10?

And he goes, I don't know, like an eight. And then he says, what's yours? And I go, mine's a 9.5. And he goes, really? And I'm like, yep. And then he says, what's yours? And I go, mine's a 9.5. And he goes, really? And I'm like, yup. He's like, want to trade? And I say, nope. I don't want to trade, bro.

And then he's like, all right, let me just try yours. I'll try it. And I tried it and it was a six. I'm like, this is an eight? Anyway, dude. When I order, I'm fucking. I ain't got no motherfucking. That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker.

Take Bernie. West side. Bad. um so now we go back to this fucking shit and then we're chilling at the uh show i take a little bit of a nap and i don't know you know and then i do the show and then and before the show enrique is like oh um yeah it's crazy. We're not staying here. We're going to Oakland. And when we go to Oakland, I'm just going to run in and get your keys and then bring it back out of the car so you can just go. And I got security for you.

I'm like, huh? Who the fuck am I? Like the vice president? And he was like, yeah, well, it's because there's been seven people have been shot in the last two days in Oakland. And I'm like, oh, well, then let's stay in Stockton then, huh? So, you know, that's what it is. I made it out to Flames, dude. We made it out. We made it out of the fucking yay area. We beat to rap what we beat to like. We beat to rap what we beat to like. Yay area be to like, yeah, yeah.

I played that song for Calvin when I got home, the E40 song. And he liked it. He goes, I like that song. So anyway, dude, that was what was up. And that was the shows were great, dude. They had the fucking mask mandates for the Oakland. And I love that nobody had the masks on, dude. Nobody had masks on. I saw one mask in the audience audience it was fucking absolutely ill and top villain dude it was ill and top villain um anyway um

wow it's the 275th episode that is just crazy how crazy is that um i don't really uh hey is that tv too loud no it's not too loud is it i don't really know about the uh i posted this fucking yeah by the way dude like when i talk about this like haters and shit i you know i don't say haters but like people often think that i'm like like if i say i'm a diva they'll be like oh he really is a diva. Fuck this motherfucker. Like this is a comedy podcast. Okay.

And I don't like to say this because I've liked it. I don't like to peel back the curtain. I don't like the BTS shit with this shit. But like, dude, I'm going to put back the curtain a little bit. Hey, breaking news. I'm a comedian, dude. I posted a reel the other day about fucking Eric was talking was talking about how uh uh i said i don't know if i would get a vasectomy i don't like vasectomies that's so weird for me and then eric was like

well it's you know women take the pill and he was trying to fucking white knight it all up and just be a hero and shit and talk about how you know the pill is is not natural and it affects women's bodies and i'm just and i go i like this, Eric, shut the fuck up. Like as like, let's keep it a silly goose and keep it moving. And also I was playing a character of a guy that's like, now don't ruin it. Cause we like to,

you know, we like to splurt, but dude, my whole thing is like, pull out. Is it that much great to sport inside pull out you're gonna cut inside between my balls and my asshole or am i just gonna back up lil and splurt right and and bro the comments on my reel on that fucking it was on king king sting wing when i did it the comments on my reel on that fucking, it was on King, King Sting Wing when I did it, the comments in my reel is like, wow, Chris unfollowed. Like, Hey, you got the wrong guy,

dude. We're having fun. Stop taking it seriously. And then like, it is unbelievable. The fucking, you can't post a fucking single thing without people just being so angry. Not funny. You got to draw the line somewhere. Not funny, Chris. And everyone's like, unfollowed Chris. Love Eric. He white knightin'. Like, dude, we're all having fun joking. Eric laughed.

Brendan laughed. Everyone, Nick laughed. Chin laughed. Everyone in the room laughed. Oh, man. It's a shame you can't own 100% of what you say. You can only own 50% of it because the 50% of the other 50 cent is the people who hear it. Everyone's mad no matter what. It's all good, my babies. I got to see this fucking smile movie, dude.

I got to see it. The marketing on the smile movie is fucking unbelievable. Do you see the people at the baseball games and shit just like this behind the home plate? Wow, that doesn't even look like a smile. I guess it's like this. Wow, that's the scariest thing of all time, dude. No bullshit. If I was a kid and I saw that,

I wouldn't have been able to sleep for weeks and I'm not joking. I get so scared of fucking anything to do with a mouth or lips or smiling or anything like that.

Like people go, oh, clowns are scary and they kind of are, but it's because they smile, bro. Smiles are creepy as shit. You know why? Because if you're smiling, you're hiding some shit. That's what I'm doing, bro. I'm Russian about it, right? I'm Russian about it. Russians

don't smile for any reason unless they're genuinely actually really happy or laughing. If you walk up to a Russian and you're like, hey, what's up? Nice to meet you. They go, what the fuck you want from me? Bro, I'm Russian. I get it. If you're smiling and we just met, you're that happy? Oh, no. You want my insides, right? So that movie Smile is just creepy. And I'll tell you, man, they tried to make the trailer creepy. The trailer's creepy.

But, bro, the people behind the dugouts and shit, and somebody did it behind Good Morning America or whatever. They were behind Hoda just like this. That's scary as shit with an umbrella. Cause it was raining. Like, like they knew it was inconvenient, but they had to get there and smile into the camera. Yeah,

I know it's raining and it sucks, but we still got to be creepy. Even creepier dude. There's another dude standing up with like a pear shaped body. Just smiling like, bro, you want to get a smile? Extra scary it on a fucking pear-shaped body with a medium shirt on where his guts kind of still bro it was so scary man and so i've got to see the movie but am i gonna

wait till it gets out into the fucking home yeah i am because he. He doesn't go to the movie theater because he waits. That movie's gonna fucking be really... They're making actually some good horror movies finally. I haven't seen this movie Terrifier, but my fucking... The producer of my other show, Lifeline, one of the producers, he said it's pretty good and it's like a horror movie that was like an independent movie

they made for $35,000 they it was such a success which i don't know how but it that they crowdfunded a sequel and now the sequel is coming out it's called terrifier and then the sequel is obviously called terrifier 2 and um yeah dude i just uh think that uh they make a lot of good horror movies now and I wonder what that is. Horror and thrillers. Like I saw I saw, oh by the way, the Lifeline episode is October 19th, the live one. You could sign up for, get tickets

there. It's a live one. You can call in for us and we can do a little bit more of a deep dive into your life but you can get tickets at WatchLifeline.com It's me and my brother. We'll take your phone calls and all that shit. Can we just stop though and talk about for real?

This is incredible. Adnan Syed is like they just go 20 years later they just go psych. You can go get a Big Mac or anything whatever. 20 years later, they just go, psych. Yeah. You can go get a Big Mac or anything, whatever. Adnan Saeed, 20 years later, they go, psych.

He was, he was, they said he killed his girlfriend. Um, you know, poor girl. you know poor girl bro and like the prosecution was just like not giving all the info out why are they do i i guess it was 1999 so they didn't know that people were going to get exposed right because the internet was just new but like oh hey min lee but like, oh, hey, Min Lee. But like, dude, you're going to get caught. And dude, Adnan Syed didn't do it. And there's proof now. They didn't even have a retrial. They were just like, oh, dude, we actually can release him based on the psych clause.

We just issued him. We've got a court order. Oopsie daisy and if we just get Adnan and his guys to sign right here we're just gonna we're not even gonna try him again we're just gonna throw it out because of the psych clause

anyway sign there and then the judge can judge can we get you to write an oopsie daisy please and I had 98 is gone, dude. And just fucking tossed it out. That's fucking crazy, bro. Give them millions.

And they just passed a fucking thing, too, where they're like, oh, well, we can't. There's some loophole where if they just let him out or something and don't admit fault, they can't, he can't sue him. And I'm just like, I'd not, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. First of all, he goes a whole life. He's like 40, right? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no dude. Baltimore's got no money, you know. Get the rest of it and wrap Baltimore up. That's it.

Dude, Baltimore, the city of Baltimore should just be like, ah, we fucked up. Here's all the, here, give it to them in briefcase. Just whatever you have left. We're actually in a lot of debt. We want to transfer the debt over to you too, the fucking according to the the psych the psych clause and the judge signed the oopsie daisy we can't do that so here's the rest we have left we have 13 586 dollars and that's a wrap for baltimore dude that's it that's it we just became fucking richmond real quick or whatever's close we're now now part of Washington DC. I don't even know.

We're orange in New Jersey. We're not both. Fuck it. We fucked up, dude. We were trying so hard and now we fucked up with the Adnan Syed shit. They're not even the killer. We're not even going to get the real killers. We're fucked.

We have no money. Adnan, if you want to find them and shoot them like Hunger Games, go for it. There's no laws because Baltimore doesn't exist anymore. Oh, fuck, dude. I mean, real talk, man. I would... My God, dude. If I got in... Like, imagine being fucking dude they're like what's the percentage

of people who are wrongfully convicted it's like too high what one is too high but like imagine bro and you come out in 20 years dude i'm killing everybody i'm deadpool oh well, I got, how many killings can I do now? What, what do I have stacked? Right? Like what, what I've got some, uh, uh, what do you call it? You got debt with me. How many cars, what do you get for robbing a bank? 15 years. I'm a rob a bank and have five years left over. What can I do? Can I like, what do I get to do? I can fucking smack a few people I don't like, right? So let me do that.

I'll tell you what. I'll rob a bank, look the other way, and then I'm going to go smack a few people, not in the bank robbery. That doesn't count. All of that is with the bank robbery. So that's what I get now. And that dude fucking gets the $13,586 that Baltimore gave him, fucking gets to rob a bank and smack a few motherfuckers. Because this dude, I mean, he might have missed his parents dying.

This dude might have missed, you know what I mean? He could have been a family man and had a kid. My heart breaks for that shit. Circuit Court Judge Melissa Finn ordered that Syed's conviction be vacated and she approved the release of the oopsie-davey affidavit. Now, a 41-year-old who has spent more than two decades behind bars, Jesus Christ.

Finn ruled that here he gets to rob a bank, make $13,586, and also smack four people. He's always maintained his innocence, received widespread attention in 2014 when it debuted. That's right, Serial. I saw Serial. Now they're going to make another Serial. I remember watching that Serial podcast or listening to that Serial podcast and not knowing either way, dude. And they didn't know either way either.

That's the thing about the fucking documentaries and shit. It's like I know it's the best thing to do is to be unbiased and that was really good that serial podcast because it was unbiased but but by the last episode what's your fucking opinion man wrap it up like let me fucking like i've been i've been with you for 18 episodes on some of these bullshits and like then at the end you're just gonna be like we don't know at least lie and be like, he probably did it. You led me down a path. It's like going to fucking, you know what I mean? It's like me when I was trying to find the fucking, uh, who gives a shit?

I don't want to finish that sentence. This is this podcast, you know, and this is why you ride with me. We love it, dude. We love it. And I appreciate you so much.. We love it, dude. We love it. And I appreciate you so much. And I fucking love my fans. And I love when you fucking, you're not fans, bro. We're all building a log cabin one day on that tall grass. We got to join the cult fucking shirts. And it's a beautiful thing, man. You like and subscribe. And it's a beautiful thing. And let

me tell you something, dude, this YouTube channel has stayed at 596,000 subscribers. And if that's it, that's it, dude. That's how big the cult is. But also share it and grow it, you know? Because if a cult's not growing, we die. We go down in flames. So, yeah, I... I don't know,

what's this fucking thing here, beyond meat, exec, exec, accused of biting man's nose, outside a game, I mean the fucking title of that, you know,

what game, just a game, this is from Associated Press, a game, like be more specific, little bit outside nick's game whatever the fuck it was fayetteville arkansas an executive of a vegan food products company has been charged with felony battering and making a terror terroristic threat oh he must have been white that's why they throw that around for whites now to make it even you know i'll tell you one thing if he wasn't white they wouldn't have said terroristic because they know what's up uh a terroristic threat after a fracas outside a football game

what's a fracas tussle fracas then they're gonna say a game and use the word fracas. Then they're going to say a game and use the word fracas. Fucking God, breathe my anus in. And outside a football game in which he's accused of biting a man's nose. That's hilarious. He's an owner of a vegan fucking place and he's out here eating real meat. Beyond meat, cheap beyond meat. Well, we meant by beyond meat we meant noses uh beyond meat chief operations i mean that whole fucking the four words together you know beyond meat chief operations officer officer i mean dude you made a fake burger off the fucking gall hi I'll be your comedy officer

this evening me hi guys it's Chris D'Elia I'm backstage want to bring up some other comics first but I just want you to know before you get to see me the the chief operations officer of comedy Chris D'Elia.

So anyway, beyond me, chief operations officer Doug Ramsey, too many names, has been accused of a road rage attack outside Saturday's game between the Arkansas Razorbacks and Missouri State Bears in Fayetteville, Arkansas. Razorbacks and Missouri State Bears in Fayetteville, Arkansas. A police report says that the 53-year-old Fayetteville man attacked another man who tried to inch in front of him. Two males with, I mean, a police officer responding to the reported disturbance arrived to find two males with bloody faces. Okay.

That man and witness also reported Ramsey threatening to kill the man. that man and witness also reported Ramsey threatening to kill the man. I mean, I don't like that you get extra heat for threatening to kill somebody during a fight. Like, that's what a fight is. Like, you better be fighting hard. Like, what are we doing here if we're on the street having a fracas? What are we doing here? We're not pulling punches.

I'm going to fucking kill you. I won't, probably, because it'll get broken up or i'll slip and hit my head or some shit you know but if there's a fracas best believe i'm gonna try to end your life during this fracas could you imagine i kill someone by mistake or i or i'm on trial for it later and they use this as evidence well you know he said i was like can we get the judge to fucking sign the oopsie daisy um beyond meat has not responded to the whole thing about it's called beyond meat you know beyond meat has not responded to messages wow dude the guy bit his fucking nose not really beyond that much meat beyond beyond meat i'm just like we got people out here biting those i mean if i had to rate my jamaican accent i would say i'm elite i mean what does dance hallois, the islands all have in common?

Drake. Booyaka, booyaka, call me Shabba Runs Drake. Booyaka, booyaka. So when you hear me speaking a Jamaican accent, just go with it. I am the island. Bombing. When you come up in me call it broken heart, it's better than whatever part.

You don't know it from the start. Me tell them stay up dirty. Cincy. Dude. Cincy. His face didn't change at all the whole time. Unbelievable, dude. He didn't hit notes with his countenance.

Unbelievable, dude. The guy goes, what does patois, what do they all have in common drake i'm the drake i'm the jamaican drake call me big big up them tangs big up them tangs drake an accent i would say i'm elite the guy from the office if i have to rate my jamaican accent i would say i'm elite well what what bombing i mean what does dance hall the hum of the crowd the islands all have in common. Drake. Boyaka, boyaka, call me Shabba Runks, Drake. Uh.

Cincy. What he's doing with his left hand. Boyaka, boyaka, call me Shabba Runks, Drake. Drake. Drake. This is fucking Chet Hanks, dude. You know? This guy ain't I.N.E. Kamosi.

You're not even Snow. People be. Informer. You know, this guy ain't I.N.E. Kamosi. You're not even Snow. Pigo been... Informer. You know, say that I'm a son, say I can blame. I lick your boom-boom down. Detective Manor says, say that I'm a son, me sub someone on the land. I lick your boom-boom down.

Didn't think I knew that. I know it. What's the fucking... Here come the onslaught. Word or up. Pigo, they move beyond the area. Word or a... Pico de Mubi on the area. Word or a... Still living like that.

How? I know what Bo don't know. Touch them up and go. Uh-oh, dude. Touch them up. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Sensei? So when you hear me speaking a Jamaican accent, just go with it.

I mean, just go with it. Pleading. Please, just go with it. I can be Jamaican. Bombing. I am the island. Like, move on to something else. Will it come at him?

Will it come at him? Oh, and then he came up. Will it come at him? Call the broken heart. I did better than whatever part. You don't know it from the start. Me tell him, say a dirty yay. Dude, dirty yay. Sean, what's his name?

Who's the fucking Jamaican guy? Sean, John. No, no, that's the clothing sign thing is it sean who's the fucking jamaican guy um the one that goes that big fucking with the beaker on his fucking thing he's a good looking dude what the fucking god damn it what's his name let me i gotta look it up dude and this is the annoying part too, because big reggae artist, because some of you guys know who I'm talking about, who I'm listening to.

Sean Paul, dude. Sean Paul. Bro, if your name is Sean Paul, don't say it like John Paul, you know? Seven best reggae artists of all time right here. I just can't with reggae man every song and then bob marley and then they'll be like man it's crazy how political his music is and then you'll be like oh really play it we jarman like we jarman in the name of the law Not political Jamming

We jamming Hey Not political Oh yeah So political Pick up the movie on the area Word them up 15 greatest and most famous reggae singers of all time

Here you go Here we go By hellomusictheory.com Running out of websites Here we go Someone's going to call me racist for all this for sure One, Bob Marley Great, obviously

One of the most famous artists of all time Number two Peter Tosh And that's how you know that reggae i mean who the fuck is peter tosh am i an idiot let's go to number three desmond decker heard of that one gregory isaacs heard of that one okay so number two i didn't hear but jimmy cliff never heard of him. Have you? I am feeling very Olympic today. Wow.

Not that. Dennis Brown, don't know him. That was Cool Runnings, yeah. So racist that they put that in the clip. Love and hate can... Oh, wow. It is so Jamaican to make a song and start it by saying love and hate. Here's another one uh seven

burning spear it's a jamaican dude and the album's called rasta business dude it's one of my top 10 albums of all time and that's all i've heard and that's all I know about it. I'll never hear any more of it. Dude, that is unbelievable, dude. Oh, yeah, we diamond love on the head. Oh, number eight, dude, is called Toots. That's the band name, dude. Calvin could be in that one. That's Toots, dude.

Wow, dude. Dude, Toots and the Maytals. Wow, dude. Ow! Dude! Toots and the Maytals. That's what it's called. I mean, ow! Same song! Oh, wow.

This one's the shit. Wow, I got to get into reggae music. This guy's named Sizzla. Ow, dude! Was eating at a restaurant and got his name. So, let's see this one.ler i'm living 2015 it came out this is the beginning of the thing it's just wind and fire crackling burning out i can't wait to hear the beginning Dude

Same song Here's Bunny Wailer Here we go It's called Liberation Same band as all the other guys We're really busy man We're really busy We booked till

2075 man Every night And also matinees man I'm the guy that goes And this guy is the guy who hits them team drums man It's us two We booked till 2000 We just got a phone call

We booked till 3023 man We playing for We playing for Toots Bunny Waila We booked till 2023, man. Un rack, un deck. We playing for Toots Boniwella. And also, we also did all the songs in Rasta Business, man. Here we go. Marsha Griffith. Marsha Griffiths. Oh, New Age.

Very good, dude. Leave it to the chick to keep it real. Ziggy Marley. Heard of him. Very good, dude. Leave it to the chick to keep it real. Ziggy Marley. Heard of him. Let's do it. Oh, I love it. Wind again. Hmm.

Sounds pretty different to me. Janet Kaye. Okay. A little bit still sounds a little bit like it. Shaggy, dude. You know? know number 14 shaggy's always like this you have me banging in here his shit sounds different oh yeah no but the best was shabba ranks where's shabba runks shabba ranks nobody was better than shabba ranks and of course he's not even on this list dude fuck all that dude shabba Ranks. Where's Shabba Ranks? Shabba Ranks, nobody was better than Shabba Ranks. And of course, he's not even on this list, dude.

Fuck all that, dude. Shabba Ranks was the shit, dude. How much has Shabba Ranks fucked nine women? Dude, Shabba Ranks has fucked nine women, dude. And he's like 60. And he's toured the world, dude. And he only wears pants whenever he's around them. Dude.

Wow, dude. Wow, dude. That's unbelievable. The Jamaican Drake. Let's do some deserve it scales um here we go all right i should always click on these earlier but i don't so it's all good it is what it is i'm gonna click on them all now and i got them all here. Riding a motorcycle into your... Man, I saw a fucking guy riding a motorcycle at his wedding once. And it was a clip on one of the old... What do you call it?

Bob Saget. What's that show? America's Funniest Home Videos. And my God, it was between that and a skiing video that made me laugh the hardest. The guy put his bride on a motorcycle and he was they were indoors and he went to drive away and he hit the gas too hard and he drove into the set of the wedding and just took it out and the wife fell and he fell they weren't that hurt but oh my god it was so fucking funny dude that one and another one where a guy was skiing down

from the mountain and he was skiing and it was this beautiful shot of the guy skiing and he was doing these cool guy kind of fucking these you know the back and forth shit and right as he got close to the cameraman he says sorry chris and runs like couldn't stop himself and apologized before dude i was rolling around in the fucking and i don't i've never seen either of them. If anybody sees either of those, send them to me. I have to see those again. My God. That Sorry Chris one, I think his name was Chris because I can't remember. Was it my name too?

But dude, my brother and I, holy fucking shit, we were laughing so hard. I would love to send it to Matt. Okay, riding a motocross into your wedding. What could go wrong? Example of how not to enter your wedding. I mean, dude. Oh, divorce. Holy fucking shit. example of how not to enter your wedding I mean dude Oh divorce holy fucking well bitch ass horn to god I hope that guy's okay Jesus Christ. He didn't wear a fucking helmet either. That's, that's, that's fuck.

God damn, dude. Driving into the bush of a cactus. Oh no, dude. This guy got stuck in all the cactus, dude. This guy. Wow, man. What a dum-dum. Oh, I hope you like that sticky icky.

Wow, the gates didn't stop that, huh? That's a good one. Using a potato as a suppressor. Oh, wow, okay. I hear what I call redneck song. Love it when it's a southern guy, dude. Makes it that much better. Come on.

Dude, he's got a potato on the end of his fucking long... I mean, it's a sniper rifle. I mean, King of the Hill. What the fuck is he saying? What happened? Oh, my God. His gun broke? Oh, my God, dude.

A tripod. Oh, my God. Look right here. I'm going to put a baton on the ring. Let's see what happened, man. What's the matter? There's a pew. It looks like a tripod. Let's put it baton on him and see what happens, man. What's he like? I look like a pirate.

Let's put it upside down and put a camera on that, man. Well, that was good. I mean, that was like a six just because it wasn't that funny. He missed the garbage truck. What's this one? Sound. I like when there's sound, dude. Oh, there is a little sound.

Wait a minute. I just kind of caught it he's driving oh my what a what a moron dude so bitch on his scooter already and then takes the trash and he's trying to fucking throw it doesn't even get rid of it. And it falls on the ground. He has a helmet so we laugh harder because we know he didn't get too hurt. But oh my God, dude. That's a fucking nine.

Wow. So deserves it, guy. Hey, guy. Wait till next week. You know, it was just like a bag of Chinese food. What could go wrong? Here we go. You know, it was just like a bag of Chinese food.

What could go wrong? Here we go. Guy gets out of the truck, out of the gas station, walking around the front of the truck at the gas station, trips on the... Oh, fuck, dude. The guy tripped on the... Fucking went right... Holy fucking shit. He could have... Oh, fuck, dude. The guy tripped on the car. Fucking went right.

Holy fucking shit. He could have, bro, this guy could have died. Oh, wow. His fucking friend took so long to get out of the car. Those are his parents, probably. Holy fucking shit. I hope he's okay. I didn't mean to laugh that hard. I mean, this guy took a tumble.

And trusting God. Trips. And then, boom. laugh that hard i mean this guy took a tumble and trust in god trips and boom oh dude he's out oh and he just wipes his shorts well this guy whoa dude yeah i mean well somebody said karma for the parking job yeah Yeah, I get that. Karma, C-A-R-M-A. Wow, dude. Hope he's okay. Look at everyone congregate. I think I did everyone there. Let's look at some Tinders and then we're off.

By the way, the CBD code works. If you go to the link on there if you like CBD I use that pure spectrum stuff and it's great I get 10% off from my listeners with code congrats you can do that you guys rock we got that the merch look at this brown shits right here the life rips we got the sweatpants that go with it too and

remember you gotta get this merch and then fucking wear it At other people's shows bro Right there that periwinkle shit It's all inside out great first presentation And the jackets are live now too And uh I'm loving being on tour I will be in Peoria

And uh Savannah and Raleigh Uh coming up. So do that. Go there. And Boston and Denver. And I got a bunch of other ones. Albany. So hit

crystalia.com, the website, and see where I'm at near you. And remember life rips. Well, that's it for the YouTube episode. If you want, you have to. If you want, you still have to. Go on over to patreon.com slash's it for the YouTube episode. If you want, you have to. If you want, you still have to. Go on over to patreon.com slash chrystalia for the raw, uncut, unedited version of the podcast. And not only do you get that, you get every episode unedited and unfiltered. And you get the no ads and shit like that.

And then also you get another episode a month for signing up. And it's all that for just $6. We have about 17 episodes now that are only Patreon, so you can go watch them all right now if you sign up and do a whole day of it, dude. And then also we do different things, like we have a segment called

Review Mode, and we do different things, and I got a podcast with Kristen on there that I did once, and I think I'm going to do it again. uh patreon.com kristalia thanks a lot guys Thank you.