Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 278. Psychosomatic

Episode Date: October 13, 2022

Get tickets to Lifeline LIVE at watchlifeline.com! 🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia 👉 This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Get 10% off your first month at https://www.betterhelp.com/congratulations 👉 10% off Pure Spectrum CBD, use code CONGRATS at checkout purespectrumcbd.com This week Chris talks Hellraiser, Kanye, deer attacks, and plays everyones favorite game: You Got Chris'd! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi guys and welcome to another super cult production of congratulations I've got a great announcement man I'm on tour. I added more tours more tour more dates and uh i am going to be in different cities uh we got a bunch of different cities coming up that don't push me tour i'm calling it starts next year and uh we've got some what do you call it we've got san diego out there it's it's on sale now if you're if you're on my patreon you can use the pre-sale don't push me if you're listening to this on Wednesday. If not, on Thursday, it's open to the general public. So general public, we got Raleigh, North Carolina, Savannah, Georgia, Tempe, Arizona, Denver, Colorado, Cheyenne, Wyoming, Boston, Massachusetts.

Some Hollywood dates in there just at the club. Albany, Nework uh lakeland florida jacksonville florida and then next year which is the thing i just announced uh is san diego portland oregon seattle washington san antonio texas sugarland texas i've never been there new orleans been there a few times. Providence, Rhode Island. New York, New York, New York, New York. We're doing a Beacon Theater. Chicago, Illinois, Chicago Theater.

And Springfield, Missouri. And then Midland, Texas. Worst name for a place ever, Midland. Especially now with everyone saying everything is mid. You'll just post an Instagram picture and then somebody will just write mid. Okay. You know, what can we do? You win some, you lose some, and some of them are just mid.

So, yeah, go get tickets right now. The good seats are filling up. They might have filled up already. I don't know because I'm doing this a few days before I'm actually posting it. So I'll let you, you know, we we'll see go look at the fucking seating maps um but yeah i just did you can also get your merch there and sport it on the the tour exclusive merch is awesome man i've been on tour but you go to chrislea.com and get merch uh and the tour exclusive merch has been fucking awesome um we were in where were we peoria and then rockford illinois um and rockford illinois i swear to god all it comes all it

comes down to is if a place has a coffee shop near where i'm staying then i just i like the place period that's how it goes there was a literal coffee shop connected to the hotel i stayed to in rockford and i was like this place is fucking amazing and it was so much better than than peoria only because of that both of the places you know look a lot of murders in both of them look let's just let's just face facts a lot of murderers a lot of murders in both of them we stayed on a fucking lake or a river, whatever it was. A lot of bodies in there in Rockford, okay? But Rockford seemed great because it had a fucking very nice coffee place attached to the hotel. So we were in business.

Did Peoria, people think it's a good comedy town because Richard Pryor was born there, really is not relevant at all. All good. The theater was cool. Look, Peoria, everyone was great good um the theater was cool look peoria everyone was great there at the theater everyone's great rockford illinois but uh peoria literally uh there's just there was nothing to do there was nothing to do and i was there for a little bit but i also watch videos on youtube about like peoria i you know i do my research dude i fucking i'm i'm at the point now where i'm 42 and I just straight up look at YouTube videos of cities I'm going to be going to. It's the most fucking dad shit of all time and I did it.

And it said Peoria and Rockford. Well, it said Rockford, the violence, forget it. And Peoria, a lot of property crime and all that shit. But it's all good. We did there. Nobody robbed shit or killed me. So, yeah. I i you know man i can't believe the you know what it was though when i got to peoria it was the and then especially

rockford it was a beautiful day but the the the first day peoria it was the first day this year where i just fucking walked outside uh i i i I walked outside the day after we got there. We got there the day before. Then the day of the show, I walked outside and breathed in that crisp air and just beautiful wind of just a nice enough day, little bit overcast, partly cloudy. It was partly cloudy in Peoria and it just felt fucking so nice, dude. And what does it feel like when we feel that first fucking cold breeze of the fall? What does it feel like? Why does it feel nostalgic?

I said it to my wife, my beautiful angel wife. Hey, why does it feel nostalgic when the cold comes? Does it feel nostalgic for you? And she goes like this, yeah, why? And I said, why is that? And she said, probably because we both grew up on the East Coast. And I said, yeah, but it's just because we used to feel this and now we don't anymore in Los Angeles. And she was like, yeah, I like, you know, I like to call it Boss Angeles, but I said

Los Angeles. And she was like, yeah. And I was like, maybe you're right. I don't know. But I fucking am brought back to when I was a child. And it feels nice because I had a good childhood, but also am I blocking out bad things that happened? Who knew?

Because it also, there's a tinge of sadness. What's that all about, huh? Hey, what's up? Sadness under happiness. What's going on? What's going on? I'm happy, but also what's going on? Tinge of sadness.

What's going on? Sad. Hey, I'm right here just to let you know oh hey what's up sadness okay oh i guess i'm happy that first breeze that first cool breeze of the fall just and you're just walking on sunshine oh and then that first breeze just under your shirt, and then, what's up, sadness, just right here, what's that all about, thanks for visiting me in Peoria, Rockford, it was there too, and I got home in LA, in Peoria. Rockford, it was there too. Then I got home in LA, first cold day. Sadness is there to stay. Yes, nice. We talk about seasonal depression in life, and that's a real thing. Are we all just bitches, or is it a real thing? What does it matter if I feel it? If it's psychosomatic,

Attic insane, what does it matter if I feel it? God, I feel my pain. Another bit of all you thought of Psychosomatic Attic insane Attic insane dude You know Act insane Attic insane Every time I think of Peoria I think of the little shop of horrors

Where they go And Peoria And New York Dude and if you can make it In fucking Peoria They say that you can make it in fucking Peoria, they say that you can make it. You're in. You made it anywhere.

So fuck yeah, dude. Made it again, dude. Fuck yeah, made it, dude. I can make it in Peoria and New York. We got the New York tickets on sale February 18th. We got New York

playing the Beacon Theater in New York. Playing the Beacon Theater February 18th. We're playing the Beacon Theater. And then we're playing in Chicago. We're going to Chicago. We're going to Chicago we go to Chicago so

anyway the sadness is right there right behind the happiness and we all trudge through my babies we all trudge through don't we people come up to me after shows I do the meet and greet and they say yeah I've been through a really hard time and your stuff lifts me up and dude you know what I'll be Josh Groban to you motherfucker

okay I will raise you up man I used to shy to that and be like, oh, please not enough, but please enough, enough, enough. You don't need to be all, you know, sentimental and I feel bad and oh, that's nothing. And you know, you, dude, I'm happy to be here for you. How about that? I am happy to be here for you. If you're listening to this podcast and you had a shitty day and you were looking forward to this podcast to turn it on so you could get some fucking yucks, I am happy to be here for you because I know you feel the fucking sadness behind the happiness too sometimes. And I am happy to be here for you whether you're in Peoria or New York but he's fucking nice with it dude he's absolutely nice with it he can sing and had a insane dude he's absolutely nice with it

so come see me the don't push me tour and uh god damn we had a good time in Peoria for some reason Adam Ray came with me, a hilarious comedian. Mike Linoci came with me, a hilarious comedian. We just had a ball, dude. Fucking Adam Ray's got this Dr. Phil impression that makes me fucking laugh, dude. Go check it out on

YouTube or something, probably. But, um, yeah, dude, it was really nice. The cold breeze is here, and I guess I'm happy, dude. You know, it's like, it was really nice. The cold breeze is here and I guess I'm happy, dude. You know, it's like, it's really kind of annoying to me. Here comes my hater shit, dude. And I don't mean to be a hater. And sometimes I'm not a hater.

I'm just speaking facts, right? F-A-X. Um, I don't like when people, you know, it's like the whole, it's that time again where the breeze, all that fucking chick, a white chick especially, needs. A white chick with like a vest, like a brown vest and a white sweater under it. All she needs is that fucking, that first breeze. And she goes, get the brown vest. Get it.

Get it. Get it. Get it. Get it. Get the fucking, the yarned up sweater where that goes over my, you know. How much do fucking chicks love just having it so they can't even barely they use they scoop up the fucking ends of the uh sleeves and they're just like this you know what i mean oh oh did you feel that that's what the collective

oh did you feel that on the first under the shirt get the vest oh did you feel that it just moves from east to west as as the because you know it gets warmer and what did you feel that you feel that what did you feel that who did you feel that what did you feel that by the end in san diego dude it's just it sweeps up off the Atlantic in Atlantic City. Vermont, Tennessee, Illinois, fucking Nebraska, whatever the fuck's in the middle there, who knows? Colorado, Nevada, and then fucking all the way to San Diego. Did you feel that?

Did you feel that? and then fucking all the way to San Diego. Did you feel that? Get the brown vest. It's like a horror movie. What is this? From the makers of Who Did You Feel That? comes Brown Vest,

a Netflix movie. Even though it's about white chicks, we also have a bunch of other fucking colors in it too. And you won't be able to tell anyone's sexuality. Netflix. Ooh, did you feel that? Um. So, yeah. I don't even really honestly know what I was talking about I just kind of lost track and it's all good because that's what we do

we fucking fly by the seat of our pants and that's what we do in this podcast and it's the only podcast that'll fucking do it to you it's the only podcast that'll do it to you I see other motherfuckers have notepads your boy don't have any notepads man I know motherfuckers they seem to be fucking stream of consciousness but let me tell you something dude

I'm the stream of conscious dude I haven't looked at a note yet dude all i did was fucking and i'm not that's not a brag or a flex i'm just saying dude i respect you enough to be truly me i expect you enough to be truly me now when i say truly truly is the fucking drink right with the fucking now when i say truly it makes me think of the fucking truly's that everyone drank in my fucking hotel room and then left them open. And then when they left and then we woke up the next day, in Peoria, the fucking whole room smelled like a goddamn pomegranate. And it's all good, my babies, dude.

It's all good, man. He wakes up and he smells pomegranates right under his nose because of the trulies. And it's all good, dude. He's got that crisp breeze and the sadness behind the fucking happiness. And he smells a goddamn pomegranate in the middle of fucking Peoria. And it's all good, my babies. Calvin came with me. Kristen came with me.

Calvin's absolutely killing it. He's getting tall. And, man, you know, it's one good thing. One good thing about, like, traveling like this is, you know, Calvin's growing up in Los Angeles, I guess, I guess. I mean, we're building a house, like I said, and we're going to be fucking moving a little bit out, 30 minutes out. But, you know, Calvin grows up in Los Angeles and it's hell on earth or whatever, you know, because like you can just drive a few blocks right until you see something dodgy right you could drive you could go a few blocks before you see something dodgy and let's face facts so we're moving and it's all good but i don't know about calvin growing up in proper la

right now we're gonna go to the fucking San Bernardino Valley. Whatever, San Bernardino Valley. You know, in the 1980s and 90s, San Bernardino Valley was the murder capital of California. And I know that because I was watching fucking city, YouTube videos of cities. So, and it's a dad and it's all good, but I was watching that.

And then I was watching, i'll get to that later but yeah so we're you know calvin's growing up in um los angeles and it's uh you know it's a bit of a fucking thing because the second anyone is like okay but what are your pronouns to him like when he's fucking he hasn't thrown a football yet or some shit or have or haven't even thought of any real life issue oh your boy's gonna go ballistic and it's all good well i don't want to misgender the second someone says i don't want to misgender you and my and my son has only taken about 350 000 steps and that's it i'm gonna go ballistic if you're asking someone their pronouns at fucking 150 000 steps your boy goes ballistic and if it's blood he goes even more ballistic

so um yeah if you do that to my son so we're moving out to uh uh a little bit of a different area and um but anyway that that i digress because i was talking about it's nice to go on tour with calvin because he gets to see like fucking trees with red leaves on them you know los angeles two kinds of trees trees and then fucking trees with no leaves okay there's just trees with some leaves and trees with no leaves but if you go to fucking back when the white woman originally said, do you feel that? Red trees, orange. You got bright yellow shits. Right?

Right before all the fall turns and all the tree, the leaves go down and hit the pile where some kids hide in and they get creamed by fucking garbage trucks. Right? That's what used to happen when we were in. You always heard that urban legend about like, don't lay in the leaves. A garbage truck could come cream you. And, um, so we, so, so yeah, so he's out in like Rockford, Illinois. Now, of course, bang, bang, shoot him up. He might get his wig pushed back, but it's a small wig.

He's small. So the bullets probably won't hit him. Okay. That probably honestly hit me. So the bullets probably won't hit him. Okay. That probably honestly hit me. Anyway, we were hanging out near the fucking lake or river ravine or I don't know what you call it because I'm a city boy.

But yeah, so and I was like, of course, there's bodies in that wherever that body of water is. But he was looking at the geese, not the bodies. And so but he was playing and he was like, he went out for a, it was a beautiful lesson. I learned because he was running to this, uh, well, I guess it was an abandoned parking lot. It looked like a fucking state pin, but, uh, he starts running towards it and gets smaller and says already small, but he's getting smaller and smaller. And I'm like, Calvin. And he turns around. I say, come here. And he runs back towards me a little bit and then stops.

And then Kristen's like, let him go explore. It's good for him. You know? And I was like, yeah, you're right. Don't say, come here and he runs back towards me a little bit and then stops and then kristen's like let him go explore it's good for him you know and i was like yeah you're right don't say come here just follow him and i was like you're right so he went all the way over to that fucking abandoned parking structure and i ran and i walked after him i was like following him like following him like i'm a fucking jaguar or some shit and like like it's the movie beast and he's idris elba and i'm just i'm just like tracking him like i'm bear grills and he's Idris Elba and I'm just like tracking him like I'm Bear Grylls and he's a trout and so and it was kind of nice though man

I was just watching him and I saw him get so far into the distance and then he just fucking came back and I was like were you exploring it and he goes yes it was cute as shit man so yeah so it's nice to be able to travel and go to these places because i'm gonna go to i'm gonna hit some cold places dude i mean i'm gonna be in chicago and new york in february okay and if that was it i'm gonna be in providence rhode island in february okay gotta get the cold days because covid fucked everything up

and it's hard to get a saturday to in because everyone, everyone, not only just, you know, uh, comedians, also singers and musicians and also magicians are getting all, all the fucking venues. So, you know, there's a lot of theater acts now, nowadays. So, um, it is what it is, you know? Uh, but yeah, man, I'm really grateful and, uh, we've been loving it. We be clubbing. Um, we be clubbing. Remember that song from Ice Cube?

We be clubbing. Don't be, it ain't nothing wrong. Get your club on. He, he, honestly, I want to, I think rappers are the ultimate when they finally get to the, like, they start sounding like a white dad, you know? Like if, if Ice Cube rapped that song, we'd be clubbing and he was a white dad, just like fucking with just a t-shirt and like some jeans on, everyone would be like, this is the whitest song of all time.

You know, we just give these rappers passes just because they came out of straight out of Compton. I mean, he went hard with that shit. We'd be clubbing dude you know what I'm saying somebody needs to get fucking Kanye West some help dude I mean I know I feel like I talk about this guy every fucking podcast but it's just like they kicked him off Instagram and it's like well because he's fucking being anti-Semitic and I get it. You know, I think they should kick everyone off. I think they should kick everyone off of every platform and just have splintered platforms of like, like what, what was that one?

Parlor, like, let them just be there. They want it. They want that. Let them have that. Let them them let the people who want the freest as fucks because dude not everybody wants free speech on twitter people think they want free speech until a motherfucker comes after them you know like what i don't get is kanye knows the rules he knows the rules he knows if you're

anti-semitic you get kicked off did he get kicked off the Twitter by the way? He got kicked off of Twitter too? No? No not Twitter okay So he says how are you going to kick me off of Instagram You used to be my n-word And then he tweeted this picture of him and Mark Zuckerberg And Mark Zuckerberg has the microphone You know

But it's sad because He needs help right how about that That's where it stops When someone needs help just get them How about that? That's all. That's where it stops. When you need somebody, when someone needs help, just get them help. Kick them off everything. Get them help. Did he get kicked off of Twitter too? No?

He did, but now he's back on. They just they let you, they give you a timeout for a little bit. They give them a timeout for a little bit. They go, what'd you say about, because you can't fuck with the Jews. Don't fuck with the Jews. Like the fact that I'm even talking about it right now this podcast will probably be shadow banned yeah jews are killing it we love the jews um we love the jews and we love blacks and we love whites we love them all um and we love you know what i mean

we love we love fucking trans people and people who are short and tall and all sorts of fucking shits. So that I saw the new Hellraiser, which is like, um, I saw the new Hellraiser, dude, I fucking did it. You know, me and my OCD, dude, me and my fucking obsessive shits. I watched the new Hellraiser. And then what did I do? If you know watched the new Hellraiser and then what did I do? If you know me and you're a real fan, what did I do? Dude, if this is a Crystalia game show, I saw the new Hellraiser and then what did Crystalia do? A, start watching all of them from the beginning or B, went to bed. If you guessed A, yay. Dude, I sort of watched the first one, and I just go, man, it's like, because I watched the fucking end, the new one on Hulu, okay?

I've never seen a Hellraiser before. And, wow, I used to love that Tupac song. Mama raise a Hellraiser. So I've watched the Hellraiser new new one and i'm like okay all right all right okay so these guys can't tell the difference between pleasure and pain okay and he thought he wanted to fucking he thought he wanted to you know he thought he wanted to have what happens is when you fucking move the block around in the right direction, you get to pick what you want to be your ultimate fantasy.

And it could be power, love, resurrection, or sensation, or two other ones. There's six choices. I don't know. And they call them like Leviathan, fucking Leviticus, and all the shits. I don't know what it is, but begin with L. And the guy picked sensations. And yeah, fucking like a clock went in the middle of his chest and it started making him feel sensations and he didn't realize that to

these cenobites who are fucking Jesus I sound like a fucking dork what he didn't realize is to the cenobites okay okay uh pleasure and pain is actually the same thing and sensation you know they can't tell the difference between pleasure and pain so it just makes me laugh so the guy thought he was gonna have like complete orgasms but just makes me laugh because instead you know they can't tell the difference between pleasure and pain so it just makes me laugh so the guy thought he was gonna have like complete orgasms but just makes me laugh because instead you know they just put a bunch of strings and um and like fucking this contraption in his chest and they would pull on it and we're gonna make him feel pain every few minutes and it just makes me laugh he thought he's gonna be fucking absolutely busting um so anyway I watched it and I was like, okay, okay, okay. All right.

I'll watch the fucking first. Okay. It ended and I go like this. Fine, dude. I'll watch the original. I'll watch. Okay. You got me, dude.

SNM, blood and guts and gore. All right. You win, universe. I'll stay seated and go all the way to the beginning. So I turned on the original Hellraiser, all right? Now, before I did that, what did he do? Did he A, make popcorn, or B, Google the ins and outs of every Hellraiser movie and also find out which Hellraiser movies were the best and people explaining the movie Hellraiser in depth and reading a bunch of different articles about that.

If he gets B, yay, dude! Chris doesn't make popcorn because it takes time and he wants to eat stuff immediately, so he eats stuff like pretzels and ice cream that's already pre-made. Yay, dude! next time and he wants to eat stuff immediately so he eats stuff like pretzels and ice cream that's already pre-made yay dude uh when he's really hungry he gets fucking pissed off because he has to make a sandwich yay dude he'd rather just fucking eat something that's pre-made yay of all time so you god christ and so um wow imagine if you had it i should have that game show so anyway the answer was b and so fucking on our show today the answer went a and then b and then so i read everything and then i watched i I was like, all right, all right, you really wet my appetite, articles, you really wet my, you really, you really wet my fangoria appetite,

articles, so, so I did it, so I watched the fucking, I started watching the beginning, I watched 25 minutes, so I watched the fucking, I started watching the beginning I watched 25 minutes his eyelids got heavy so what did he do, dude? how well do you know Chris D'Elia? did he A, go directly to bed or B, watch another thing that wasn't so fucking demonic

so he could clear it and then get into a better mood and then go to bed B, ding ding ding if you guess b you get it you got chris worst game show so so i did i turned on a little thing and i went to bed and then i woke up and i fucking finished it dude now finishing a movie like hellraiser in the morning fucks up your day nice to meet you day okay we're fucked up good catch you later now i watched it dude now granted you got to understand in the 80s the graphics and the fucking uh special effects they're going to be worse some of them

are going to be better because they're actually physically there and it's not cgi but when they do shit like they got to put in or something, or like the box illuminates and they don't use actual light and they just get some guy in there to draw with a crayon, it's gonna look terrible. So granted, take that aside because that was just what the technology was up to in 1987.

The movie was completely different than the remake, alright? And I don't even know if it was technically a remake. But the movie was completely different, one and number two um it really put clive barker on the map like clive barker put hellraiser out and then became he was i guess an author and then made hellraiser and then became a fucking filmmaker and uh it was way more about snm and kinky shit and also gore and it was way different and i guess i i it's one of those movies i can't even tell if i liked or not because i'm not in 1987 you know

i guess these movies are okay right like if you go back and watch freddy krueger now in the first one or like jason vorhees or any these, they're all just so bad. It's so hard. It's like watching fucking Laurel and Hardy and trying to get a cackle. It's like, yeah, them pushing a piano up the stairs was funny in 1902. Or if you're fucking two and a half, you know, Calvin laughs at the big wide one-oared purple people eater,

but I'm like, I'm 42, dude. I don't know, Calvin laughs at the big wide one or purple people eater. But I'm like, I'm 42, dude. I don't know, man. I suggest you watch it on Hulu and then maybe go watch it with me, man. I should do these watch parties on Twitch is what I should do, honestly. But whatever, man, I'm taking my pure spectrum gummies, my CBD shits right now, dude, with you because I respect you. Got a yellow one. Dude, I love these. And you can go if you're a CBD guy.

Click on the show description and then type in congrats. You get 10% off of your gummies. I eat them and I just go, oh. And it's good. Calvin has diarrhea.

Speaking of, Calvin has diarrhea, dude. And he shit himself four times and we cleaned it up and it's's good calvin has diarrhea speaking of the calvin has diarrhea dude and he shit himself four times and we cleaned it up and it's all good he rolls with the punches man imagine just having imagine just like isn't it crazy like babies just shit all the time from jump in their diapers and they don't really question it and then one day you got to tell them like, yo, you got to use the potty. And they're like, but this is a part of me. You know?

What are you doing holding me over the toilet and letting me release some of myself into it? Then what do we do? Flush it? No. That's terrifying. That's basically how I raise her in the toilet. I can't do that and i get it dude

but he's just shitting himself every day we shit ourselves every day for fucking years all of us and then and then we just use potties i guess it's gross because it smells fucking bad but imagine like finally starting to question that as like a two year old you're like hey wait a sec where's all this bullshit coming from you don't know it's food and then knowing and then thinking like

wow a greater like something greater than myself has really kind of fooled me. A diaper is a bit of a bullshit invention, to be honest. Like it's 2022. Hey, Huggies, get it together. You know, Huggies been Huggies for decades.

Hey, Pampers, get it together. You're still shitting all over like get a fucking thing where a pill you could take where the you know what i mean where it just evaporates if you have a fucking kidney stone you they shoot sonic waves into your kidney and it disperses the fucking kidney stone why can't they do that with shit instead Instead, you just, and Huggies is like, yo, we think they're, man, I was talking to Kristen the other day and she's watching a makeup tutorial and she's fucking painting, watching a makeup tutorial. And I'm like, you're 30. You've been doing makeup for over a decade.

Don't you know how to do it? Why do you watch your tutorials as well? And she says, cause new stuff's always coming out. And I said, what do you mean? New techniques? And she says, yes, but also new makeup. And I said, isn't makeup makeup? And she was like, well, no, cause sometimes it's different. I'm like the technology and the makeup. And she's like, yeah. And then you have to reapply it in different shit. And I'm like, if they're doing that with makeup, how can a Huggies do it? You still got fucking three old shit in themselves? Give me a pill. I don't want to change a diaper. I don't want to change a diaper. I'm tired of shitting in my pants.

Make it disperse, please. I just want to toot and fart. Every time Calvin toots. Did you toot? No. Did you toot? Yes. Every time, dude. Why no first?

You're not going to put one over on me, dude. I'm me. I'm your dad. I know tooting. I've been tooting, man. I still do it more than you dude Anyway Is what it is dude Empyrean

I like to do it like that like Empyrean New York I keep it the same shit dude I don't break it up I keep it the same Fucking pussies out there breaking it up. I put a sign up right in the front window, advertisement right at the front window, and all of a sudden, success coming out of the blue. That's fucking Little Shop of Horrors,

too. I bet you didn't know I had fucking oops upside your head all over. I know so much shit about musicals, dude, and I love musicals. And I go to musicals, and when I go to musicals, every fucking musical I see, the first minute, as soon as it starts i fucking tear up because i don't deal with my emotions you god crit too much sensations i cry dude i'm basically a centibite what are we gonna do man too many sensations he cries man that was just a volume test but it kind of worked um every musical i've ever seen i cried in the first minute except cats because cats fucking sucks dude it absolutely sucks dude cats sucks dude they made it in the 70s and we're still gonna act like this shit is nice i went all the way down to the fucking almacen downtown and i see adults prancing around uh

with fucking feline shit or paint like you know and they're talking about the jellicle shit like you're making shit up dude secretly i'm jealous i wish i could make a musical and have a language of my own he's secretly jealous but he's got the podcast and I tell you it goes out to a lot more people than it does when the fucking

how much does the Amundsen set 1500 to 3000 the fucking podcast gets 100k views in a fucking few days so anyway you know it is what it is whatever dude K for yous in a fucking few days. So anyway, you know, it is what it is. Whatever, dude. It's like I'm not the kind of guy that fucking brags and shit,

but it's just like... Just trying to stack this paper, dude. Stack that Skrilla. Stack that fucking cheddar. Stack that absolute goud absolute good stack the fucking monster that's me stacking my monster um like and subscribe to the goddamn Super Cult channel. They won't fuck.

Dude, they're fucking with me, man. Anytime someone subscribes, YouTube goes and takes a subscriber off. I'm telling you it happens. Go check if you're subscribed, actually. We've been sitting at 596,000 subscribers for six months. That's weird. Put it on Unsolved Mysteries. Put it on Ripley's Believe It or Not.

Have Dean Cain do a fucking monologue about it and then cut to some clips. It's a conspiracy. Make a six-part documentary about it on Netflix. Something's going on under the covers. Because we've just been tried and true being the babies and trying to start this cult from jump so subscribe babies um look at this shit the the woman that man ring cameras are fucking recording all sorts of shit i swear to god sooner or later there's going to be like oh a ring camera we got we we found out who actually shot jfk how ring

cameras oh dude you think ring cameras aren't going to catch bigfoot you're wrong bro stop lying here look at what this one's caught in the ring cameras a deer shows up as a hey lady go away okay so listen man a fucking deer with horns came out when the woman was trying to leave and go to the car she stopped and looked at the deer for way too long and chilled like she was gonna like talk to it like she was like eddie murphy and do dr do little and then she went back inside too late and by that i mean that gave the dog enough time to run out and go to the deer and the deer tried to spear the fucking dog. And then the dog went under the fucking car in safety, in defense.

And then the lady took the purse and smacked the deer. Now look, don't do that, lady. You're making it worse. You made it worse when you took too long to go into the door. You made it worse when you tried to fucking attack the deer because the dog was safe. And now you're going to get speared.

And now your husband's going to get speared. And now your husband's going to get speared. And now your car's going to get demolished. And now your dogs are going to get trampled on. Okay? Let's watch the rest of this. Aw. Her dad helped. That's awesome.

Fuck yeah, dude. That guy's a hero. Jesus Christ. Nature. She's screaming and nothing's happening. She's screaming by herself and nothing's happening. Look, this would be me. Right here.

That's me right there. Get the key and click it. That's me. Why don't you go in and get the key and click it? Did you bring it out anyway? You don't bring it out, right? Look, I'm going to pretend like I'm in here. This is...

Okay, say I'm right behind her. This is how I would be. Right here. This is me. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Get inside. Get inside.

Why are you standing there? Get inside. Get inside. God damn it. Okay, you waited too long. Now the dog's out. All right. Leave the dog there. No, don't... Fucking God damn it. I just got you that purse. Okay, you waited too long. Now the dog's out. All right. Leave the dog there.

No, don't. Fucking God damn it. I just got you that purse. Okay. Move, move, move, move, move. I got this. Okay. All right.

All right. All right. This is exactly everything I would be saying. Move it. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, Dad. Dad. Come here.

Don't go that way. Hey, everything's fine. Everything's fine. Just get back inside. You don't need to scream. The deer's not doing anything to you. Get back inside. Get back inside. Good. All right. Stay there. Stay there. Stop. You don't need to scream. The deer's not doing anything to you. Get back inside. Get back inside.

Good. Alright. Stay there. Stay there. Stop. You're in my ear. Alright. Go in and get the fucking key. You should have had it anyway if you came out. And by the way, you notice I'm not saying shit to the dogs? Because this has got to stop. The dogs... What happens to the dogs...

That's the thing. And I know I'm going to come off heartless as this, but dude, my dogs are their own people. All right? So if they run out into the yard and see a bear and then the dogs get closer, that's that ass, dog. All right? Do I run after you? That's that ass dog Alright Do I run after you Hey Butters

You're your own person You want to shake hands with death Have a good Dude Sometimes bears need lunch You understand And if you're going to go be your own person And not going to let, hey, butters, get in. You don't?

You take steps towards the bear? All right. You be your own person. All right? Because I'm not coming to your fucking rescue. That's me. And then if the dog gets eaten, you're so much your own person, I go right to anger. I don't even get sad for you.

I'm angry now because you fucked my life up. Now I got to think about you. Now you're just a memory. Okay? But you're going to run out and try to fucking prance with a deer? Dude, then you're your own person. Baby, the dog, calling the dog baby. Everything got so white the the lady stopped thought she could fucking you know what i mean crocodile done

into submission and then ran out and then the dog ran out the little bitch-ass dog and then did we find out the dog's name is baby and then the dad comes out in a red flannel and then the lady didn't unlock the car dude no street smarts i guess we should say wood smarts but man unlock the fucking car i know though shit goes down and you don't really have time to think about it that's why i walk into every room like goddamn liam neeson do it where are the exits where are the exits and let me just take a fucking glance at all these people's faces because you never know when some shit's going to go down. Yeah, dude. What a crazy fucking thing to have happen.

A deer just fucking straight up trying to kill their dog. I can't watch that nature shit. I mean, this one was fine, but I can't watch that nature shit. I guess Elon now is going to be doing Twitter. Congratulations.

This is hilarious though. I mean, kind of sad, but the iPhone 14 keeps calling 911 on roller coasters. The iPhone 14's new crash detection feature apparently detects thrill rides too. Oh, so if you get in a car accident, it's supposed to fucking call something. I just run real. What if you get in a car accident it's supposed to fucking call something i just run real what if you run real fast and then trip

it's oh 9-1-1 shows up at the outside of a cafe you're eating you're in the middle of your food you're just like what and he's all right just gonna scrape on my elbow iphone 14's new crash detection feature which is supposed to alert man imagine how many 9-1-1 calls again with the first time they must have thought, holy shit, a fucking roller coaster exploded. The iPhone 14's new crash detection feature, which is supposed to alert authorities when it detects you've been in a car accident,

has an unexpected side effect. It dials 911 on roller coasters according to a report from the Wall Street Journal, and also detects, also calls 911 when you're watching Jason Statham movies. No, I added that part. Wow.

Dude, at least the cops, when they show up, they could just go on rides afterwards. Oh, it's good. You know what? I'm gonna get some cotton candy. You got Jerry, you want some fucking, you want corn nuts? I'm gonna get a churro they everyone's fine it's that stupid

fucking thing iphone does it's just so mad apple rolled out crash detection with the new iphone 14 watch series eight uh last month equipping with devices as a gyroscopic sensor and a hygiene why how do they not think of this you know how was there not one dork that was like, what if they go on roller coasters?

Oh yeah. And you got to dismiss it within 20 seconds and they're all fucking tied in upside down on Batman, the ride. When it claws, when it calls law enforcement, it will play an audio message that alerts authorities. You've been in a crash and also provides them with your location.

An Apple watch with crash detection can only notify authorities if you have your iPhone with you or if it's connected to a mobile network or Wi-Fi. In the meantime, fucking people are showing, these law enforcement are showing up to the roller coasters and people are just getting fucking killed.

Because people are, because they're not being called for the people that are getting killed. They're getting called for the rollercoaster. Um, wow. Wow. That's pretty wild.

I bet I could get it to go myself just standing there. That's going to be my closer. Um, dude, did you guys see the fucking girl who got a beer thrown at her on um at like the vinnie's comedy club what the hell was it i don't have a link here um what oh you didn't did you ivan um she actually it's weird she looks kind of I don't know how long she's been doing stand-up um are you adding the link I don't know how long she's been doing stand-up she seems a little bit up look and no matter how I it takes like 20 15 years or 15 years to get the confidence of like I was talking to somebody like when the shit pops off at comedy clubs, you know, because they were asking me about like Chris Rock getting attacked and Dave Chappelle getting attacked.

And they're like, are you scared? And I'm like, like a people like rushing the stage and like hitting you or whatever the fuck or anything. And I was like, I don't know. I mean, my crowds are fucking awesome and they're all there and dialed in and and

I was talking about it and it takes 15 years to just kind of have the confidence to deal with like true hecklers did you put it on here is it here what oh all right and um yeah here it is and um this woman uh is at a comedy club and she is doing um what do you call it?

I don't know if she's doing crowd work or what. Yeah, I think she says here, let's just watch the clip. But she got a beer thrown at her. A stand-up comedian is being applauded for how Here we go. Everybody vote for whoever you want to vote.

I don't care who you voted for. I'm just happy we're all here together. So you voted for Biden. I don't know. Why does it matter? Yeah, so what? Why does it matter? I can just tell by your jokes you voted for Biden.

Yeah, by the way, you're not a detective. Like, it's very obvious when someone's making a joke about certain things that you could tell who they voted for. I can tell by the fact that you're still talking when nobody wants you to that you voted for trump now that is an absolute fucking golden dude just golden i mean dude that is just an extreme i mean dude she she didn't even say it like a slam her hand was in her pocket she was like well i could just tell i could just tell you know by the way that you won't stop talking that you're somebody who voted for trump and then you go and everyone laughed and they were trump voters and they still left because they recognize comedy so fucking and it's all good

dude but congratulations for that because she fucking murdered it with that shit and uh but she does seem a little um i don't know what her vibe is or what her thing is on stage she does seem a little nervous but also dude when a crowd turns against you like even the fucking uh you know i say 15 years but even when the crowd turns against you even when you're you know it can be scary at times i've some, I've had people run up on stage. But yeah, so. Ooh, they threw a beer hard at **** too. That's **** up.

Yo, I'm never coming back with this group of people ever again. Oh my God, somebody just, yo, I'm never coming back with this group of people ever again. Like the guy, the guy who is like the fifth wheel. I didn't even vote for Biden. I voted for trump but what the fuck oh god i can't stand how people can't take a joke about politics bro trump and biden both deserve to be made fun of. If you don't think that, how are you going to go to a comedy club? They're both fucking ridiculous. In the best ways and the worst ways.

They're fucking ridiculous. If you don't think Trump is funny, if you don't think Biden watching him is funny, I mean, what the fuck? Then what are we doing here? Who's going to be the next president? I really wonder. If you ask some people, they say Trump.

I don't even know if it'll win the primaries. I mean, I have no fucking idea what's going to be happening, but, you know, it's whatever it is, dude. It's just going to be great. It's going to be great, you know, because times just keep getting better. You know, you say that, me, but also I will say this. Did you know that crime in the 90s was double it is now, dude? Like when you go to Oakland, you look at the graphs, and I know this because I watch YouTube videos of cities.

And if you do it, you will see crime was crazy bad in the 90s. The 80s, people were serial killing. And now there's like, at any given moment, there's 50 serial killers at large in America. How the fuck do I know that? I watch YouTube videos. There's one in Albuquerque right now. Oh, really? Yeah.

Why? Because Albuquerque. Because it's a shithole. There's also one in Long Island. There's also one in Alaska. Apparently, people get murdered in Alaska at an alarming rate. Isn't that crazy, dude? It's one of the most dangerous places.

And it's because they've got 12 cops, dude. Not because it's necessarily so bad, but because they got 12 cops and the sun doesn't even come out. You best believe I'd be murdering that way. For real, dude, just Eskimo. I'm joining the Eskimos, dude. I'm joining the Eskimos. If I moved to Alaska, dude, to me, that's like prison. You join the gang. And all of a sudden you won't see past my immediate features, dude. I'm joining the Eskkimos and not only are they teaching me stuff i'm teaching them stuff too it's a symbiotic relationship dude and we fucking show up to like goings on and problems and also like places where there might be conflict and Eskimo!

Like this, dude. Dude, my parka and my fucking furry shit is so... It's so cinched. Look, this is all you see is my nose. That right there. Can barely breathe. I pass out a lot, too. They're like this. They're like, what happened?

Chris, what happened? And they got to un-cinch it. And I go, a lot too. They're like this. They're like, what happened? Chris, what happened? And they got to un-cinch it. And I go, oh, sorry. I did it like I was like Kenny from fucking South Park. Come on, we have to go. Okay, okay. Here's some salmon belly. Here's some salmon belly.

What do I do? Do I eat it? No, put it in your armpits for good luck. Oh, really? Yes, and warmth. Oh, okay. I don't know. Anyway, we've got to go to town hall and murder.

No one will catch us. So, yeah. So, we go to fucking uh so yeah anyways alaska but crime has been crime was terrible the gang i i subscribed to hood vlogs better believe it dude and gangsters the most gangster thing you probably think the most gangster thing is like robbing and stealing and shooting motherfuckers but it's not you know what being the most gangster shit is is is being the absolute most positive guy ever it being the most positive guy and loving your kids so much and still be running the block like it's hot seriously dude when you watch his hood vlogs there's always like one or two gang members that's like you know i mean this is the hood but like i'm always trying to get up out the

hood that's the thing man like the hood a mentality, and the hood is a lifestyle. And yeah, it's a rough life, and I don't want it for my kids. I don't wish it on anybody. I don't wish it on my worst enemies, man. But then they always pepper something in. But if they come across here and they're not supposed to, I'll kick their fucking ass and push their way back. But I will say, though, man, I don't wish this lifestyle on anybody, but they should call us if they coming across this block because we'll fucking light them up like the 4th of July anyway. But they're so positive.

This is my daughter, you know, and it's just holding the kid. What's up? You want to go play in a car? Okay. You want to go play in a sprinkler? Okay. Watch out for bullets. But it's so gangster to be so positive um yeah it's crazy to go i want to go to south central a little bit and just poke my head

and how white is that dude how fucking privileged is that i just want to check it out i want to drive by in what car i want to drive by and just fucking see what's up, dude. I pretty much want to do that. I've been shot at once. I've never told that story on this podcast, by the way. I've fucking straight up have been shot at. How crazy is that? Some things you just forget for long enough that they're gone, but I've straight up been shot at. they're gone, but I've straight up been shot at. This was probably 15 years ago, probably 15 years ago. I was seeing this girl and she was like, come over. I had never been over her place. Um, and she was like, come over. And I said, okay, I'll come over this time to this day.

I have no idea what area it was in. Like, like for real. I couldn't tell you if it was Northwest, East fucking South, or it could have, she, it could have been up. I have no idea And She's like so It's not the best neighborhood but park If you can get a space

If not you know they do the whole thing where it's like I got an extra spot but I'll have to move And the thing and the tandem And you're like alright I'll just you know I'll find a spot So what does your boy do? Your boy parks illegally So I park illegally And only a little bit illegally like my back shit I'll just, you know, I'll find a spot. So what does your boy do? Your boy parks illegally. So I park illegally and only a little bit illegally. Like my back shit bumper is peeking out and hitting the red.

And I'm walking over. I can't even believe how much I don't know where this was. I wish I knew. Like, did I take the 101 or the 405 or the 10? And then which way did I go? Was it on the way to Barstow, like I have no fucking idea, so I'm walking, and I hear, pat, pat, and I'm just, I go, whoa, and I'm like, oh, and I don't even register what it even might be, I just think

sounds are happening, like I'm 28, and it's not even like oh did something pop did a tire get flat why are there two of those and i'm certainly not thinking oh a gunshot so i'm like wow what was that and like that fucking idiot who saw the deer, I just stand. And I'm looking around, and then I hear, And as I'm like, is that guh? I get to there. Is that gunshots? I get to, is that guh?

And I hear and I go what the fuck was that and then I go fast walk to where she lives and she lets me in and I feel myself saying it's not like I even decided to say it. It's just like, whoopsie daisy, we're already on the roller coaster of talking. And I guess this is what we're saying. And I said, I think I just got shot at. And as I say that, she says, yeah, it's a bad neighborhood, but you're all good. Just stay here.

And I'll never forget this dude. She was awesome. And we just hung out for a little bit. And then she, you know, made me feel sensations. We'll say for the niceness of YouTube. And she made me feel sensations. And then I said, why are you so good at that? And she said, I don't know. I usually.

She said, I usually date Republicans and surprise the shit out of them. That's what she said. I'm a motherfucker. Got it. But it was fucking crazy, dude. I just imagine her fucking going to town in SLC just like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys are just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa in Provo. Oh, hold on.

Wait a second. I, at St. George, where am I? She's just laying it down. Yeah, so I've been shot at. Dude, you guys, thank you so much. I appreciate you watching. And look, dude, the tour is up. It's locked and loaded. Don appreciate you watching. And look, dude, the tour is up. It's locked and loaded.

Don't push me. Go on to chrysalia.com and see all the new cities that I've added and get your tickets now before the good seats fill up. And some of them are going to sell out. You can go get your CBD shits at the link below and type in code congrats and then also get your Chrysalia merch to wear at the fucking shows.

And chrysalia.com sign up for the Patreon if you'd like. If not, we love you anyway, but like and subscribe, dude. We're trying to grow the fucking shows and uh chrislea.com sign up for the patreon if you'd like if not we love you anyway but like and subscribe dude we're trying to grow the fucking shit to at least 600 000 i've been sitting at fucking 596 for six months so let's change that you guys hey guys that's the episode for youtube if you want to catch the raw uncut unedited extra long version you go on over to the Patreon right now. And you can watch that. And you can also watch that for every episode that comes out.

And you can also watch every extra episode we do per month. Which now there's like 18 of them. So go sign up for the Patreon. It's only six bucks a month. And you can do that. And you can also watch the other stuff that we do. We post this segment called Review Mode where I review various different things

and also did a podcast with Kristen on there. So, yeah, enjoy. Go to patreon.com slash kristalia. Thanks. Yeah, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck