Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 28. Vape Olympics

Episode Date: August 7, 2017

It is the 28th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about vaping and how you shouldn't do it. Also discussed: the responsibility of having dogs and/or kids, a little more info on becoming an elder, escape rooms, NFL players, & TMFUIPOTW. And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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and do it now before the episode starts. Hi, babies. What's up? Is everybody here? Babies, roll call. If you're here, say hi. Put your hand up in your car or your cubicle and be like, I'm here. It's episode 28, dude. We're getting close to the episode, um, 30, which is the 30 year anniversary of this podcast. Even though it's not, we're going to, you know what I mean? Um, it's, uh, we're coming to you live from Los Angeles.

Now, so far we broadcast the show in Los Angeles. We've done it in Toronto. And I think that's it. So we're international, babies. Everybody's been really showing a lot of love with the, what do you call it, merch. And everyone's wearing their shirts. And I've been retweeting some of you. People are trying to get to elder status we're not you know nobody's been elder

status yet but you know we're gonna we're gonna figure that out um and uh and so now we're fucking chilling in la i'm going to nashville this week i can't wait to go to nashville i love it i added shows there go to chris d'alia.com uh for tickets in nashville and also new jersey and also se jersey i'm se jersey i'm gonna be there and i'm gonna be in new jersey and i'll be it's jersey i'm gonna walk around be like hey you guys i'm gonna be doing that kind of stuff um i'm gonna say hey you guys and all that kind of shit. So I was at the comedy store last night. And, dude, there were so many people.

I thought this was kind of ending. But there were so many people vaping. Dude, it's not better than smoking i'd rather have somebody smoke and blow it in my face than someone anywhere in the room vaping it's like so fucking goddamn obnoxious fucking goddamn obnoxious. These fucking plumes of smoke. Have you ever, like, there's no other way to describe it, but

it's a fucking plume of smoke, dude. I swear to God, somebody was vaping from around the corner at the comedy store and I thought the devil was going to peer around there was so much smoke wafting from inside from outside of the fucking thing and then and then it smells like

fucking strawberry or like cinnabon go fuck yourself man dude make Dude, make it smoke. Oh, it's smoke? Make it smell like smoke. Why do I need it to smell like the most beautiful pussy? Dude. Oh, dude, are you smoking an orchid? No, it's a fucking vape. Don't call it a pen. Can I write with it? Dude, are you the devil?

You literally smoke. If you smoke vape, there is about 2 to 3.5 seconds where you can't see the person's face. Because a plume of devil's playground is in front of their face. And I don't like vape smoke and they're also like vape olympics or some bullshit or like vape trick two words i never want to see together vape trick they do tricks like i i don't even want a guy with if a guy does a cigarette and does like a and does o's like unless you're holding a cat and you're an evil villain but like these people who can fucking do big o's and like like, vape and, like, then shoot a fucking O through another O and then a line through a fucking... Hey, man.

Study. Instead of doing that, be the president. You know? These guys can do so many vape tricks. Google some of this shit. They have millions of hits. Don't do that. vape tricks. Google some of this shit. They have millions of hits. Don't do that. Be the president. And also every trick is just really an O. It's not like you're doing,

you can't make a fucking horsey out of it. You're doing O's. You're making a bunch of O's and you're making an O go through another O. And that's it. That's it. And it's cool. I never want to be good at something. This is what break dancing is like to me. I never want to be good at something where the cool, where this is the reaction everyone gets. Oh. That's like, I don't, like when you dress up for Halloween, if you

really do the outfit, if you like are the guy who's like went all out and spent the money or even fucking worse didn't spend the money and did it at home because you're being thrifty and then you get to the party and this is the reaction you get oh you work so hard for that reaction dude definition of a cuda. You worked so hard. I mean, this shit takes hours. And these guys are doing vape tricks.

And this is the response? Oh, oh, oh, shit. Cuda. God, they're dumb. And it's always white guys, dude. It's always white guys that do the vape tricks you know why because don't have real issues to think about that's why because they don't have real issues to think about it's fucking white guys named danny and they fucking vape and they're just

like in their mom's basement and their mom's up up in the kitchen like dinner's ready and he's like yeah no I know but hold on dude trying to get O's vape fucking smoke coming up from inside the kitchen are you vaping again and this is how you should respond yes I'm vaping again because that's how much if you have that much smoke around you you need to sound like this it's true dude you need to sound like this if you if you're at the comedy store and you're like hold on i gotta go vape and how about people who vape inside like it's not smoking i'll fight you when they're dude, if you vape and you don't sound like this, it's a missed opportunity, dude.

Do you know how much fucking pussy you could get if you vape and also sound like this? If you'll excuse me for a second, I've got to go vape. And then do that. Tilt your head back and scream laugh. So annoying, dude. Excuse me for a minute. I have got to go make sure the outside patio smells like orchids. Excuse me for a minute I've got to go, sir

I've got to go make sure that the outside parking lot of this DMV smells like strawberry cinnamon Who is that guy? I don't know I only see a plume of smoke but he definitely has scales Oh, no.

It's just a guy with a flat-billed brim. Koda. It's just a guy named Danny. See ya. Do you have scales and a tail? No. Don't have that much smoke around yet. Dude, do you have tails and claws and wings and yellow eyes?

No, then don't have that much smoke around you. Are you a dragon in fucking GOT? No, put the vape pen in the sewer. Get a cigarette. Fucking jump off a building. Get a cigarette. Fucking jump off a building. Do a vape trick. This is what you do. Go all the way up to the highest building.

Take your vape pen. Blow a fucking nice big O downward. And then jump through it. Okay? And then when you jump through it, go like this. It sure was fun while it lasted. It sure was fun while it lasted.

It sure was fun while it lasted. That's what it should be. Fuck vaping. Fuck vaping. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, He vaped, and it was obvious because his name was Danny. We'll forever miss his flat-brimmed hats and his O's he would make until he one day jumped through his final O of smoke. He's definitely in hell now. And then the devil's like, Finally, nice to meet someone as smoky as me. Hello, Danny. And Danny's like, hello.

Why do you smell like strawberry cinnamon? Because there's something on earth called vaping. Dude. So don't vape. But has anyone ever vaped if they did? Has anyone without tattoos ever vaped, though? That's what I want to know. Has anyone ever vaped

and not had tattoos? No. It's no. Period. That hasn't worked. Also, dude, I don't think Postmates, the fucking delivery Postmates, is everywhere, but it's in big cities it's like an eater in they sent fucking food everywhere you use an app you can get food delivered uh i swear to god hey stop

texting me postmates these fucking 415 numbers, dude. Every fucking time. It's like I got the app. I can check the app when the fucking people are coming. Track your delivery? Yeah, okay, track the delivery. So I'm looking at the guy driving to my fucking house or wherever I am, and it keeps driving, and I see him, and then every time from Postmates, I get a text.

Your Postmate, Robert, is arriving now and will wait up to five minutes. What happens after the five minutes? What, does he leave with my food? Then what? Fuck that. Leave it or just put it on the fucking thing, dude. On the front porch. But it's always so annoying.

And then another. Hi, Chris. This is Stacy with Postmates. I just picked up your order and I'm on my way. And then another, hi, Chris, this is Stacy with Postmates. I just picked up your order and I'm on my way. Like I give a fuck, dude, I can see it in the app.

And then four, one, five, always with a different four, one, five number. How many goddamn four, one,

five numbers do they have? And then this is the one I got. Your Postmate, Mrs. is arriving now and we'll wait up to five minutes. Mrs. Hey, pick a name. Pick a name. Are you a hooker?

Your Postmate's Mrs. Madame. Figure it out. Don't text me and also I want to open up the app. I want to open up the app. I don't have my notifications on. Don't have my notifications on for the reason. So I don't want texts saying the shit.

Has anyone ever vaped without a tattoo? That's what I want to know. Tweet me if you have. But you haven't. Dude, I was at the coffee bean the other day. There's this crazy dude that's, what do you call it, with the crazy guy. He's the crazy guy that's always there at the coffee bean, and I had a conversation with him. And he always, like, tries to ask me questions.

I don't even know if he's really that crazy or what, or just kind of, like, silly, but he's older. I thought he was homeless, but he's always getting like expensive fucking drinks like the five dollar whipped cream drinks and he's got a wedding ring on but he comes up to me and he's like oh no he doesn't even come up to me he's like far away from the patio and he says hey chris it's a guy who did the funky chicken dance you know i posted it he says hey chris and i i said yo what's up and he says what if will ferrell asked you to work with him and i said what do you mean what if he said would you do it and i said yeah and he goes like this oh i Oh. What is it about crazy people that just like...

I guess he just felt like you wanted to talk or some bullshit. The question, what if Will Ferrell, like it was like... A fucking... Like, I like... If you're going to ask a question, i want you to be specific about it you know like hey would you want to work with will ferrell like that's the question but when he said what if will ferrell asked you to work with him i looked at him and i said uh i think i said uh what would happen or something i don't remember i don't know i actually don't

want to fucking talk about this i I don't give a shit. It's making me like, it's making me think about like, what is that guy's home? I think he said he was married. For some reason, I feel like he's got an Asian wife and I feel like he told me that once. But for some reason,

I imagine he goes home and just like is so ruthless to her and so fucking got a five dollar drink he gets up you know how much this is he comes out what it's five dollars he's holding a purple drink oh yeah yeah they're so expensive yeah dude he always wears shorts and he has his dog with him and his dog fucking like is so shitty like somebody will walk by and the dog will just go like it's not like fucking cute barking you're like oh god damn it keep your dog at home dude it's all wrinkly faced and it's not a dog that should be wrinkly faced it's like it's a dog

that is like a dog that is like a sweet dog that should have fucking, that just has like fallen on hard times. And like if, if a person or a dog walks by, it fucking does that. And you're like, no,

don't have your dog in public. And his dog or him smells like shit. And I don't know which one it is. I don't know which one it is i don't know um but yeah dude can you hear my dogs barking in the back dude i got my dogs groomed and they're so cute now and i forgot they were that cute i like fell in love with them again more like they both are little bitch-ass motherfuckers like one is skinny and like a kid kind of like a fat fuck kid you know but the other one's like a teen boy and and like that's how he looks at me you know but it's so cute dude by the way i almost, I almost lost them. Like, they got out. And I lost them for, like, hours.

And when I got them back, I fucking realized how much I loved them. It's crazy, man. I didn't know how much I loved my dogs because they're just dogs. Like, and they're not humans, you know? because they're just dogs like and they're not humans you know but like when i almost lost them i fucking didn't know what to do and i started thinking about what life would be like without them and then when i got fucking back to my house because i kept on coming back to my house after like while i was looking for them and they weren't there and i imagined like coyotes eating them or some shit

but it was really cute because they left together and then they came back together which is like amazing they were gone for. And then they came back together. It was like they had a little adventure, like they were in a children's book or some shit. Like Salmon Butters just fucking were like, like the show was like, the book is called The Gate Was Open. And like Salmon Butters are like, and like salmon butters are like salmon butters notice that the gates open and they leave and they go on an adventure and who knows who they met or what kind of animals they fucking came into contact with they probably just fucking chilled out and explored it's really cute to think about them exploring together like but then i was worried that maybe they would get killed but then i was

like as i thought like maybe i'll never see them again i was like you know what they fucking wanted to leave so i found some solace in that like they they was their choice you know like i know they're just dogs and they don't know better but they saw that gate open and they were like you know what let's go fucking take a hike and see what the hell's out there maybe that's what they needed maybe it was like the end of fucking point break right where like um patrick swayze is like just let me get one last wave one last ride or whatever the fuck he says and then he goes out there you know he's gonna die and you don't see him ever again but that's what my dogs did basically and i was keanu reeves in my house just like you gotta do what you gotta do and then i just because i saw him go because i looked on the security camera they just fucking

trotted out one boy and one little one teen just fucking took a little right and then took a fucking hook left hooked left and they both went left and um yeah it was fucking wild to me though man i would have had to change my whole act my whole act is about my dogs now and i was like imagining what if i had to do it now, I couldn't, I can't fucking talk about, I would have had to fucking talk, because I talk shit about my dogs on stage, I wouldn't, I would have fucking cried, you know, getting surreal, don't mean to get surreal, supposed to be a comedy podcast, oops, but dude, now I look at them in like a different light, and then they got groomed, now they look even cuter and now i see them and like i feel it in my heart dude like it's all

fucked up i don't know if i like it like i guess that's what like dude like when i watch you don't understand when i watch movies like uh or ozark we're like i've been watching Ozark, which is great, by the way. But like Jason Bateman's got this family. And like he's in trouble with the, I'm not going to ruin it, but he's in trouble with the drug cartel. And he's like, I'll kill your whole fucking family if you don't do what I say. And I'm like, every time I see shit like that on TV, like movies, like there's so many movies about that. I think, oh man, thank God I don't have kids. Like that's what I think. I literally think like, oh fucking thank God I have no kids. But like, I don't even go far enough to think, oh, well, but that's never going to happen to me because I don't know anyone who even knows the drug cartel.

But like I literally think, oh, good thing I fucking decided to not have kids just in case the drug cartel comes after me and wants to kill my whole family. They can't get me like that. But then like I feel like, like I think about my dogs, which is like those, like I don't have kids, but I have dogs. Like, but like if somebody was like,

I'm going to kill your dog, what's it worth to you? I'd be like four grand. They'd be like, give me six. And I'd be like, just kill my dogs. But then I think about the money I spent on other shit.

And it's like, maybe I would up that price a little bit but like you know but now that they I feel feel what it felt like when I lost them and also they got groomed and they look like real handsome boys I'm like ah for fuck's sake I'm falling in love now I know it's been six years there's six but like i just realized that i fell in love with these fucking dogs now because i almost lost them it's like you know when people say you don't really realize what you have till it's gone it was gone i realized what i have now love them my heart is full do i like when my heart's full no because

then the fucking drug cartel can come after you dude if your heart's full the fucking drug cartel can come after you, dude. If your heart's full, the fucking drug cartel can come after you. But they can't if it's not. If you don't give a fuck and you're a sociopath, the drug cartel can't come after you. You don't give a fuck. They come after you. You don't care. Take me, man.

Take me. But if you have kids, the drug cartel can come after you. If your heart is full, the fucking drug cartel can come after you if your heart is full the fucking drug cartel can they can get you dude humans you know that's how we are i was watching planet earth and i was watching like these uh snow leopards like they a snow leopard has a fucking kid snow leopard and then the and then they look after the kid snow leopard for like a year and then they're like the mom's like see ya and then they leave and they're lonely creatures and they never fucking see him ever again

they just piss on rocks and smell each other every time they walk by that's what i that's what humans need to do that's what we should do because that's what I, that's what humans need to do, that's what we should do, because that's what snow leopards do, they have a kid, snow leopard, and then the kid snow leopard is born, and they take care of the kid snow leopard for a little while, and then the mom one day is just like, you know what, sigh of the fuck, Nara, and leaves, and then just starts pissing on rocks everywhere, and then the kid snow leopard walks up to the rock, and is like, ah, that's my mom, And then the kid snow leopard walks up to the rock and is like, ah, that's my mom. I remember her.

And then leaves. That's what humans need to do. That's what we need to do, dude. We need to have a kid, chill out for like five, six years until the kid's six, and then be like, see you later, Tom. Or fucking Danny. Don't vape. And then leave you with some parting words and then go piss on fucking Rite-Aids and Whole Foodses. And then the kid, when he gets eight, nine, crosses through that Whole Foods and is like,

Oh, shit. That's my dad. Anyway. You know? Because if it's not like that, then, dude, you care so much about your fucking kids, and the drug cartel can come after you. You want to be strong-armed by the fucking drug cartel? Have kids, dude.

That's all I'm saying. You want to be under someone's thumb? Have a boy. You want to be under someone's fucking thumb? Have a daughter, dude. Have a wife you care about. I'm single, no kids, smooth sailing from here, man. What the fuck's a drug cartel going to do?

That's all I'm saying, dude. It's fear i guess i mean you know you're not supposed to live like i you know i mean that's not why i don't well i know i don't have kids react because i'm scared i guess i have fear but not because the drug cartel is going to come after me but because you know of all the other responsibilities abilities and shit like that um but i don't know i i didn't mean to get all fucking turn this into a dr phil show man and be all serious and shit but like well you don't have kids because you're scared you don't have kids because you're scared i don't know i guess my buddy said that as soon as you have a kid you would like he he said that when he had a kid as soon as it came out of his wife he realized he would like lay down in front of a car and let the car run him over so his kid could live. How crazy is that?

The kid just came out. To already love something that much? The fuck? It just came out. The kid just came out. And you're like I would kill myself so that thing could live. Uh what? What if it's not that good?

You know? I was pretty damn excited for the Jay-Z album. I only listened to it like once. Like, you know, or when people, when they see a movie, right when it comes out and they're like, that's the best movie I've ever seen. Dude, somebody once told me that Transformers was the best movie they ever saw. Somebody once told me that Transformers was the best movie they ever saw. And they seriously said it. And I couldn't believe it.

And I got, and I was like, I said, he said, yo, I saw this new, he said, I saw that, you know, I was at the Ha Ha Cafe. I was doing standup afterwards. And one of the comedians was like, dude, I saw, I saw Transformers. I was like, oh yeah, I was. He said, it's the best movie I've ever seen. I said, what? He said, it really was the best movie I've ever seen. And he meant it. And I said, oh, really?

Why? And he said, it was just amazing, dude. It made me cry. It was awesome. And I thought, well, I can't ever trust this guy in the fucking world. Imagine thinking Transformers. I mean, I'm not even saying it's bad. I don't even know if I saw it.

It's not bad. Maybe it's good or whatever. But thinking that it's the best movie ever made? What? Oh, well, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. You know why?

Because it's about robots. No best movie ever made is about robots. And no best movie ever made is about robots in disguise. Okay? Also, they're not in disguise. They still robots they're fucking cars that's kind of a robot in a way but yeah i don't have kids and like i don't know maybe i'm missing out on shit i guess like building sandcastles at the beach but i don't want to do that shit maybe if i had kids i'd want to do that shit but i don't want dude by the way sandcastles i i saw like a page on instagram hey uh some like artistic sandcastles that's another thing imagine spending that much time on fucking shit

and then all of a sudden a wave comes and wipes it away or you got to leave and then you come back the next day and it's half broken. I mean, you're doing sandcastles? You're spending the whole day doing a nice sandcastle? Do something else. I mean, I don't know if it's fun. But like the way... I don't like to do shit that's just going to fucking be flea... That's why I don't like to cook.

Because you just eat it and then it's gone. And you shit it out. You shit it out, dude. You're going to spend fucking eight hours cooking and keeping it and soaking it and heating it. And then you ultimately shit it out. It's not worth it. I'll go pick up my food and eat it and then shit it out

that's how i think though how am i going to cook a bunch of food and then just give it to people that come over to eat who a lot of them i like but then you shit it out some of the people i bet you don't even like at your fucking uh you invite people over for like a dinner you're like oh but he's gonna bring his wife i don't like his fucking wife uh whatever and then she comes and you work so hard and then she shits out your creation rude fucked up not worth It's not worth. Now look, it's free conch. You can fucking cook and have your enemies shit out your art. It's free conch.

But if you do it, well, I don't want to say turn around in that. That's not fair. We got to eat and I love good food. But if you do it and you work for united turn round everyone get united in turning round texture you heard about this it's awesome ever stop in front of a newsstand full of beautiful magazine covers to pick up the latest issue of bon appetit or wired or people and but and i do this a lot because the covers are very nice and look and good looking and colorful and you're like ah wow that's really cool i want to get one but then you can't decide which one you want to

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That's Blinkist spelled B-L-I-N-K-I-S-T, Blinkist.com slash congrats to start your free trial or get three months off your yearly plan. Blinkist.com. Congrats. So don't be an idiot, you know? It's only nonfiction and it's the best. That's what you should read, by the way. When I read, this is not the ad anymore, but when I read fiction, you know what I mean? I don't know.

It makes me feel like I'm just like... I can think on my own. How fucking narrow-minded is that? You know? But I can think and moan. I like to think of crazy shit. I want to think of lizards taking over the world i don't need to buy a book about that shit i can make the lizards do whatever i want in my head i'm gonna

let some fucking beta tell me how a fucking lizard takes over the world nah i want to know how aliens take over the world oh then i don't how about this? Think about it. Make my mind do the work. Nonfiction, though, is awesome. Then you get to read about stuff and real things that happen. And then you get to say stuff. What did I do the other day? I said something the other day that was smart because I read something and afterwards I was like, I fucking read about that shit and now I'm smart.

What the hell was this? I don't even remember what it is now. So cool. So cool. That's pretty cool that I'm a fucking idiot. That's the problem. I don't retain shit. You know?

Somebody would be like, 65% of Americans are... And I'll hear it and I'll be like, ah, cool. And then seven fucking minutes later, I'll be like, what is it? 40% of people did what? Uh, whatever. Let's just get coffee. Hey guys, it's time for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Um,oh. Gone. Gone. Um, so you guys found the last one hard. And I think it's because, well, I don't even want to tell you why I think you found it. Because I don't want you to find them because.

But, I mean, you blasted that motherfucker calling him cuda. Um, and all that shit. I mean, it was funny. But also, you know. Here's one. This is the most fucked up Instagram post of the week for me. This girl has a lot of followers. I don't know what her job is, but... Anyway, this is the caption.

Or should I describe the picture first here? Whatever, here we go. This is the caption. Now it starts with a quote, but not a famous quote. This is her thinking in her head about posting, right? So it says, okay, this is the quote. Okay. Caption time. What the fuck do WTF? Do do i even write would anyone even read it does anyone even care there's plenty i want to say but it's too scary i'm actually getting i get blood red mad already but maybe i'll just google an inspirational caption and put it there without any context about how it applies to me yeah i don't know i don't want to stand out too much. I mean,

I do want to stand out, but blending in is a little easier. All right, so this is what it is so far. It's just so ridiculous. Nobody's read this far, okay? I'm gonna. Still inside the quote, by the way. People might think I'm full of it. Selfie with a short surface-level caption it is. full of it. Selfie with a short surface level caption. It is few. Glad that's over. Yeah, me too. Okay. I'm glad it's over too. Oh, but guess what? It's not because now comes after the quote. This is now her caption. LOL. Did I just describe anyone? Yeah. You described fucking sad as shit people knew you maybe she says i know i used to think like this so i can't be the only one now it's nice you used to think about it but you're also thinking about it now because that's what you literally wrote hmm the jury's still out. So then it says, I know I used to think like this, so I can't be the only one.

If you want to make an impact and then in parentheses refer to my last post as to why I prefer phrasing it this way as to oppose to. Ah, bye. No, see you. Won't look at the last post because this one sucks. Fat cocks. Sucks. Fat cocks. So anyway, one of the best ways to really show up as authentically you and connect to the people you actually want to along the way is to write something real.

Is to take something you feel and write as if you're sharing it with a friend. Another parentheses. This is two parentheses now in one caption. Don't do it, but this is what she did. Tip. Tip. Don't ever put a tip in your fucking anything. Don't ever give anyone a tip.

How about, okay? Tip, colon. Someone once told me to make a voice memo of what I want to write and write it that way but take out the likes and ums the fuck dude why not everyone takes the approach of a long caption writing or blog writing but those who do i bet really enjoy it and find people who also really enjoy reading them. Spend the time to find a unique way to write, create, explain, share images and videos.

And lastly, be so, this is the part that really makes me want to fucking do the, you know, in the movie Predator when the guy takes his knife and fucking draws blood across his chest so the predator will find him. And lastly, be so, period, freaking, period, you, period. Be so freaking you. Imagine somebody said, hey, dude, be so freaking you. Hey, if you say freaking to me, I'm going to fuck you up the ass. Right up the butt, dude. Turn around.

If you say freaking, turn around. Say fucking, okay? Everybody knows what you're getting at. Freaking only exists because the word fucking exists, okay? So don't say freaking. Say fucking because we all know she right then she writes that is the only thing separating you from another social media account and now i would venture to say not really i meet people like other people every goddamn day people remind me of other kudas every day dude dude. Guess what? There's someone just like you. Guess what? There are so many people just like

you. That's why you forget people because you forget them because they're just like other people. People forgot you too. It's a sad, but it's a true. Then she writes, let people get to know you. Let, and then let me know if this was helpful with a thing down to the comments. Ah, fucking turnaround. Dude. And people just, just, thanks. Thanks. Didn't know what to do, but now know what to do. Thanks. So many followers.

Let's look at some of these comments. Somebody just writes, oh, this person has a podcast. That's great. Maybe they'll rip me on it. Somebody wrote, I didn't read a single word, but I agree. Oh, and then somebody wrote, oh, okay, so I forgot. The picture is of, oh, by the way, you do a comment like this, make your bed. There's a picture of her bed. It's messy. of her bed smassy make the bed and also tuck in your cord that tuck in your cord tuck in the extension cord make your bed and then somebody

comments and it's her and you know she's a fucking hot chick. And he writes, somebody comments, she would ride so good. Disrespectful, dude. It's so funny. She took so much time to do that, and then some fucking asshole just writes, she would ride so good. Saying it to nobody. Didn't tag anyone. Just letting whoever reads it, reads it. Letting me know that that girl would ride so good.

Like, what does he know? The chick's just standing there in front of a messy bed. Some guy from fucking, you know. Let's see where he's from. Oh, guess what? Doesn't have a fucking thing. Picture for profile. Two followers.

Has two followers. And following 10 people. And following, not even following her. Yeah. Square Cash. Have you guys gotten square cash everyone is swishing to the cash app because it's the best way to do it you got to pay people back this way friends family co-workers anyone lizards sending and receiving money is totally free and most payments can be deposited directly in your bank account in seconds. That's real fast. You know what seconds are? It's real fast.

Here's how it works. Download the Square Cash app, link your debit or credit card, select an amount to send, and type in a friend's phone number or email address to complete a payment. They'll get a notification they've just received money. That's it. No gimmicks. It's super easy. Do it. Square Cash is better than the other apps where the money, where you try and send and receive money.

This isn't a social network. It's just simple. It's quick. It's like sending an email. Who wants to have their payments listed in a feed, dude? Nobody. I don't. I don't want people to know what I'm paying for.

It's not Facebook. It's Square Cash. Download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. Square Cash. Download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. I'm going to look at these. I'm going to game the system here. Congratulations, Pod.

Here we go. Really appreciate everybody going, trying to, you know, do this shit and game the system and joining my cult, which is what it is. I don't like to, I don't like to, I don't like to, you know, I'll leave this one up, leave that one up for a sec. I don't like to to um well i have no idea what the fuck i was talking about zero idea literally zero idea i'm 37 started talking mid-sentence had zero idea what it was about zero idea could have been talking about ikea fucking baseball no clue electronics i have no fucking clue uh so here we go we go. Oh yeah. I got it. I remembered now. Uh, it always comes back, you know, uh, really appreciate the support. People are getting the merch out there. You don't have to get the merch, but it's very cool to show your support

to the podcast. Um, everybody's fucking tweeting and all that shit. Very cool. Joining my cult. Everyone's getting on board with my cult. I got some instructions coming, but you're being real, real cool. And we haven't picked elders yet because I got to, I got to fucking figure out what I want to do with elders. A lot of you guys might be asking, what is an elder? How do you get to be an elder? Well, What is an elder? How do you get to be an elder? Well, an elder in my cult is someone who demonstrates above and beyond commitment to spreading congratulations and the baby ship, I guess what you would call it.

You baby? Spread it. Akuta? Let somebody know they're Akuta.'s how you take it's a step towards being an elder letting somebody know they need to turn around you know taking a video of somebody being a piece of shit and you know like if someone's robbing a liquor store and you videotape it and as they they're running away, you say, turn around. And then hashtag it congratulations pod.

Put it up on the internet. You're one step closer to becoming an elder. So you can get merchandise at my website, I guess, right? Crystalia.com. Thoughts? Okay, so here we go. We're going to game the system a little bit and look at the congratulations pod hashtag.

Here's one from Lino, which is his profile pictures of Denzel Washington smoking weed in the fucking training day show. And his name is Lino, at Bambino Lino. Now, there's a change. Now, here's the deal. Change it immediately.

Actually, you should have changed it already. But the reason why I changed it is, first of all, Bambino Lino is very fucking stupid. Second of all, it rhymes. Okay? If you have a handle that rhymes, turn around because that's awful. Bambino Lino, you cute? No, you're not cute. Change it.

Here's the tweet. Thoughts on NFL players who get mad over their Madden rating? Is that a fucking thing? Madden rating is like a rating I would think. I don't really know, but I guess all football players have actual ratings in Madden. And they're upset that they don't have high enough ratings because they think that they're better, I guess. I don't know. It's very stupid. Who cares?

If you're on a video game, you made it. If I'm on a video game and I have the worst rating, if there was a video game called Comedians and I was on there and my player rating was bad, I'd be like, oh, cool, I'm on a video game. This is actually something I've wanted to talk about. Somebody brought this one up right now. And I walked by one the other day. And I've wanted to talk about. Somebody brought this one up right now and I walked by one the other day and I've done one. Okay. This is from Danny Geierman, which I don't even know. Does he spell his last name or her last name? Yeah. G-E-I-E-R-M-A-N. Too many E's. Just pick one E. Have it before the I or after the I. You don't need to.

Geierman. Your thoughts on escape rooms. Can we add this to our list of gunk for the cult? 100%. Dude, I walked by an escape room the other day and there was a crowd of white people dorking it the

fuck up outside talking about their experience on a Sunday. Now now one had tivas and fucking high shorts and this guy just needed to get fucking a vehicle careen into his white face dude i mean this guy was just like and then you turn the dial, the B, and then you put the letters in the... Ah, gunk. Hey, you're only the shit. Here's the rule. It's only okay to do an escape room

by yourself. You go in with a team and dork it up you got fucking buck teeth in my imagination you got buck teeth you're skinny fat or whatever that means you got like some fucking shirt that's like uh stale blue high shorts that are wide and fucking tevas and you're dorking it the fuck up dude has anybody not white ever done an escape room how white is it to be like let's pretend we're trapped fucking idiots real people are trapped out there let's pretend we're trapped let's drive over in our prius and pretend we're trapped and have a wizard tell us where to fucking dude i did an

escape room once and i pretended so hard like I had fun. And then I left and everyone was like, did you have fun? And I was like, you know what? I didn't think I was going to like it, but I did. Well, I'm telling you right now, I lied. It wasn't fun. An escape room that you can get out. Dude, you can get out of the escape room if you really wanted to.

You didn't, you don't have to do the puzzles. You can just leave. You say to whoever's standing there that works there, because there's always somebody that works there in the room. You say, hey, get me the fuck out of here. Dude, my producer's trying to remind me. I don't remember did i do i used the cell phone flashlight oh yeah i used my cell phone flashlight because it was dark and fucking somebody got mad at me and we fought we argued he's like you can't use that i'm like yeah you can this is my phone i'm turning it on why well because we're in escape room dude we're downtown los angeles escape room we were all white it was the whitest shit ever i'll never dude oh but on land i'm this but in land I'm this, but in sky I'm this.

And I've from the ceiling looking up at noon to dark. Good gunk. Turn around, dude. Cuda escape room. Cuda escape room. If there's anything that a fucking Cuda would do, it's an escape room. Come on, dude. You heard about it?

Oh, you heard about it? Oh, you heard about it? See ya. Oh my God, an escape room. Imagine. Let's pretend we're trapped white people. See ya. You deserve. You deserve.

You deserve something. I don't know. If you do an escape room for fun for an hour, you deserve to be a slave for a week. That's what you deserve. Let's look at more of these fucking hashtags I wanted to talk about that I forgot to write that down I definitely wanted to talk about that this week I walked by it and I'm glad this person

with too many E's in their names reminded me of it really good one this person writes, see a dude wearing a fedora? You coulda. It's true. I've said that before, though, I think. This person actually said something I disagree with.

Steve Iannotone, citalian? Steve Iannotone, citalian. Steve Iannotoni, Citalian. You know how you know it's Citalian? Too many syllables. Iannotoni, shorten it. You're in America, shorten it. Shorten it or eat pizza every day. So this guy writes, and I disagree with it, but good job.

so this guy writes and i disagree with it but good job i like when people feel things though and have passionate things ideas about things even if i don't agree with them if they're like i don't like when somebody wears fucking nikes because of this i love nike but you know um here we go don't you love when people back their car into parking spaces now i do love it i think he's being sarcastic but i do here's why because when you leave you don't have to wait for some jackass you just zip the fuck out zip the fuck out get if you get in your car and you fucking turn it on and you chill and you look at your phone and you fucking do this and you you turn on the air before you leave get out get out get out mead that's immediately get out mead um

anyway oh here's another here's a good one that dude at k pierce 08 uh that's cool that's the first um name change it i've ever seen usually it's the handle change change it this guy's name on it is that dude bye change it why is everybody a change it? Why can't anybody be just Dan fucking Smith? Thoughts on people who have Instagrams for their pets. Yeah, dude, here's what you're going to do if you've got an Instagram for your pet. Go into the Instagram for your pet. Screenshot every post. Then go all the way back up top because now you're at the bottom. Screenshot in the first post of your pet you ever did. You're going to want to scroll all the way to the top you're going to want to hit that upper

right thing you're going to want to deactivate your account then what you're going to want to do is go to your account your instagram account then you're going to want to take all those pictures you screenshotted and you're going to want to take all those pictures you screenshotted, and you're going to want to upload those onto your account, and then you're going to have that as your only account. Okay? Nobody gives a fuck about your dog enough to go check your dog's Instagram. Because guess what? Your dog's not posting.

You're posting. The dog's not posting, and we know that, because the dogs don't have thumbs. Okay? Now, if you don't have thumbs, don't have an Instagram account. Now, if you're a human that doesn't have thumbs, don't have an Instagram account.

Period. That's the rule. So anyway. I think that's it, dude. Those are some good questions. You guys are really coming through with the good questions. Yeah. That's good uh new merch rolling in this week uh restock rather we're restocking everything the yakuta shirts sold out in less than a day they were gone free conch gone so

go check now and there's still some left, but we're restocking the popular sizes like extra large because everybody is, well, fat as shit. So going to have to get some more XL ones because everybody in the mid-cunch, fat as shit. It's all good. Lots of fat people on the sides too. But mostly, you in the mid-conch, lose. Anyway, yeah. So that's it. If you haven't downloaded the Square Cash app, just do it now so I don't have to fucking tell you to do it again.

Square Cash, download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. So yeah, the merchandise and stuff is getting restocked this week go check now guys watch Man on Fire I think a lot of you have if you haven't yet watch Man on Fire and let me know what you think that's my newest special it's really special and important to me I'm happy with it it's my third special thanks for watching if, if you haven't, check it out and then tweet me about Man on Fire. And rate and review this podcast. That would be helpful. This is, you want to be an elder, you got to do all these things, okay? Rate and review.

Hashtag it. Congratulations, pod. Let me know what's up. I got some upcoming shows here. Nashville, Tennessee, I added two because lots of babies out there want to become in Hollywood, California. Those are sold out. Phoenix, Arizona, coming up. Salt Lake City.

Tempe, Arizona. New Brunswick, New Jersey. Spokane, Washington. Charlotte, North Carolina. Melbourne, Australia. Sydney, Australia. Irvine, California. I'm also this week. I'm at in Brisbane, Adelaide.

This is in Australia, Brisbane, Adelaide and Perth. Guys, thanks so much. Congratulations podcast. You guys. Thank you so much. My babies podcast 28 over and done with. See you guys later.