Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 280. Hell's Got The Keys

Episode Date: October 20, 2022

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Hey guys, welcome to episode 280 of Congratulations. Guess what, Raleigh? I'll be there Friday. Raleigh, North Carolina. I'll be there Friday Raleigh, North Carolina I'll be there Friday Tickets There are maybe a few tickets left But it's very close to sold out Savannah, Georgia I'll be there Saturday

There are more tickets available in Savannah Because Savannah apparently Look I sold a lot of tickets so far. It's almost at 2,000, but the venue is a little bigger than that. Savannah doesn't fuck with your boy like North Carolina fucks with your boy. It's all good, though, dude. He's still in the South. North Carolina, Savannah, the deeper you go to the South, the more they want to listen to somebody like, you know, I don't know, Nate Bargatze, but that's fine.

And it's all good. Love Nate Bargatze. He's hilarious. So And it's all good. Love Nate Bargatze. He's hilarious. So yeah, dude, crystalia.com for tickets. I got other ones that are going fast. Almost sold out in New York City, Chicago, getting there. Added another show in San Diego, Portland, Seattle. This is the Don't Push Me Tour.

Go to crystalia.com. Midland, Texas. Sugarland, Texas. this is off the top of the freaking dome portland seattle i said um and uh what do you call it uh the other one in uh i said them all all right well whatever go to crystalia.com there's money more to boston sold i think 200 tickets in boston the other day boston fucked with your boy, um, so yeah, um, and that's that, wore this the other day, I'll pump, I'll pimp this out here, because it got cold, join our, join our cult, um, and that hoodie, because it's hoodie season, so go to chrisleah.com, get your hoodies, and also we got

new, uh, shirts available, the life rips, new Life Rips shirts available, chrislea.com. But whatever, that's out of the way. And we're having a good time. You know what, dude? I'm not going to lie to you. I've been waking up later and freaking later. He goes to bed late because he's watching TV because he's a fat dad. Yes, he's a fat dad, dude.

I can't tell you how often I feel like, you know what, dude? Let's just be a fat guy. I'm not a fat guy. I'm not even close to the fact I'm joking, but honestly, I just feel like maybe it'll just be more fun. You know, like maybe it'll just be more fun. Maybe I'll just eat pasta and ice cream and pizza. And you know, I, cause the thing is in the daytime, dude, I got no problem eating healthy. The worst I'll do is a turkey sandwich. And that's the worst. Okay? But mostly salads, stuff without bread in it.

Maybe some quinoa, a little dash of quinoa. And then when night comes, all hell breaks loose, dude. All hell breaks loose, my babies. That's it. Hey, time for hell to go like this. I got the keys. Hell's got the keys at night.

Hell's got the keys. Dude, hell goes like this. There's ice cream out there? Hell goes like this. Wait, there's pizza out there? Hell goes, oh, it's thin crust? Then I can eat double.

Hell goes, pizza and ice cream's out there? Hold up! Heya hey guard come here good guard against the bars always wanted to do that hey guard come here into the thing that's a that's a real badass move dude and then kiss him um but yeah dude uh so yeah i don't know man i just maybe i'll just be a fat guy at some point i don't know sometimes i see people and they got older and i haven't seen them in a long time and they're just fat and i'm like you know what i'm like i'm i don't i guess some people are like whoa you look like shit i'm just like dude maybe you figured it out like how much does the how much is this cancer you're getting worth what's it worth 10 years i don't know i mean some people you see 85 and they're

like you know hello sometimes people who are not 70 and they're just like hey but sometimes people 75 are jumping off desks and shit you ever see jack la lane i think he's still alive he's 150 um but yeah man you know eating leaves how much fun are you having you you put too much dressing on you're gonna die of cancer anyway so it's just like you know maybe i just want to be a fat guy or just like a an out of shape guy you know i don't know man you know i like to keep it lean but also ice cream so good and then also it's just like watching everything on like hulu and amazon prime and hbo max and and netflix it's just like dude maybe i'll just maybe i'll just maybe i'll just give hell the keys because there's so many things on like i watched that watcher show and then i watched i was done

watching the watcher show and then i watched just so many like like even kristin the other day was like let's go see lila crocodile with calvin like, yes, dude, that sounds like such a nice family outing. But then all of a sudden I was like, think of all the couch sitting I won't be doing. Think about that. Think about all the food. And I don't mean popcorn. I mean, actual food.

I won't, because I like to be comfortable just like the next person. But when you get two comfortables involved, when you get the couch sitting watching, that's three comfortables involved. The couch sitting, chilling, watching a TV show or a movie, chilling, and then also putting food in your mouth, chilling. That's three comfortables, right?

So the more comfortables involved, you can't have too many comfortables, right? You definitely can't have too many comfortables. Like if you're on the couch eating, watching the thing, and somebody's giving you an OTP, HJ, not good. Too many comfortables, right? I would argue that that's not even a comfortable. That's a pleasurable. You can't do a pleasurable.

Feeding, eating is a little bit of a pleasurable, but it's more comfortable if you couple it with, right, watching a TV show and then also sitting on the couch. That's two comfortables, and that pleasurable turns into a comfortable, right? But if you add an OTP,J, absolute too much. That's two pleasurables that now connect each other and become a bigger pleasurable. So that's really two comfortables and two pleasurables, and they cancel each other out. You might as well be standing in the middle of a field, right? But my point is, you link these comfortables up, you feel real nice. You link these pleasurables up, it's too much.

It's distracting. It's like that guy who always was having orgasms. What's that condition where the guy just can't stop having orgasms and he'll just be like, and he told the press and the press was like, so what's it like? And he was like, well, you know, I'll just sit. And, you know, it happens every few seconds. And if I'm lucky, it'll happen every minute. But, yeah, I just can't.

I simply cannot. And you're just, like, sitting there like, that's too many pleasurables, right? Like, you wouldn't want an orgasm all the time. But, anyway, dude, so we went to go see La La Crocodile. Here's the thing, okay? We saw La La Crocodile. Here's the thing. Okay. We saw La La Crocodile. I thought it was going to be absolutely bonkers because I'm going to go with Cal.

Because I was like, I'm missing out on couch setting time. But let's do this for the sun because I want Calvin to have a happy life. And I don't want to see La La Crocodile. But he wants to see La La Crocodile. And what does that make me do? Makes me want to kind of see La La Crocodile because I want to share the experience with him. Right? Now I don't live for myself.

I live for someone outside of me. Never thought that would have happened in 2016. Yet here I am. But the couch sitting time, right? And I can still kind of get couch sitting time with Calvin. But she's like, but let's go. And I'm like, what about the couch sitting time? But then she's like, I pick movie theaters.

And I'm like, oh, she wants to lay down, get a blanket, and press a button and have the waiter come during the whole movie. But do they have pretzels with cheese? Yes, they do. Yes, they do. But do they have chicken tacos? Yes, they do. Do they have pizza that they make? Yes, they do, dude. The epic theaters?

You can go to a movie and be an even bigger fat slob than go toik theaters? You can go to a movie and be an even bigger fat slob than go to AMC? You could literally chillax, dude. And I'm just like, I don't even know how much it is. It's probably, you know, it's like a whole date night if you're going to go. But I went with Kristen and

Calvin, and we went to go see La La Crocodile. First of all, there's a book called La La Crocodile that I read. Actually, that was one of those books that I skipped over even when I was a kid I've seen it but I skipped over it right but when Lila Crocodile came to the movie I was like oh I remember this shit but then I'm like why don't they just call it Lila the Crocodile as a movie

like it's cute for a book but for a movie with Javi Bardem so I'm like let's watch this movie who's in it that Constance Wu woman Who you know And also the Skeeter McDeeder or whatever the hell his name is

Scoot McNary right Good actor so I'm like let's go see La La Crocodile Then We get there and Calvin is so excited At the IPIC theater he sits down he's waiting And this little kid comes on Before the movie preview And he's eating, and this little kid comes on before the movie preview, and he's eating a hamburger, talking about all the food at Ipik. Calvin sees

the kid. He can't stop laughing at the kid eating a hamburger, dude. He's just laughing at the kid eating the hamburger. So I'm like, this is going to be great, dude. He's about to see a singing crocodile. He's going to have the time of his life. He killed it at Super Pets. He killed it at Bad Guys. He killed it at Sing 2. The dude was locked in like he was ready for ready to test g-forces i mean my son watched movies the whole time like he was ready to test g-forces and i don't mean he was like testing g-forces i mean he was ready like okay guys anything could happen here i might pass out i might have the time of my life and i might celebrate afterwards but here we go that's how my son was watching these movies super Super Pets, Bad Guys, and also Sing To.

Now, I wasn't there for Sing To. That was his first movie. Chrissy kind of snuck it on me. Felt bad that I didn't go to his first movie, so she left the theater, and then we went to go see Bad Guys. All good. I want to be there for every one of my sons first. Is that feasible? No, but I want to be, but he wants to be.

Right? I want to be there for every one of my sons first. Why? Because I'm such a fucking good dad And I had no idea I would be Yet I am And here I am Five years later out the flames

Loving the shit out of my son and my family That's how locking back up I'll stay in here for a bit So yeah La La Crocodile starts And stay in here for a bit um so yeah lilo crocodile starts and um you know i don't want to do like a review of lilo crocodile because this is a podcast for adults right um but uh it sucks donkey balls suck donkey balls suck donkey balls. And even for a kid's movie, it makes no sense. These kids' movies, dude, for real, they don't have to make sense. But, hey, though, also, do me a favor, right?

Hey, guys, you can make it make sense. You know how I know? The English Patient is a movie. Okay? So just do a kid version of it making sense of that. It doesn't have to make sense because my son will watch Blippi. It doesn't have to make sense because my son will watch B. B.

This is the letter B. Buh, is the letter B. B, B, ball. B, B, bullshit song. I, I, this is the letter I. I, I, igloo. W, W, W, this is the ladder W Why is this my career

Why is my life My wife leaving me Dude That's a killing act That song rips for real dude You'll be singing it later on Your kid watching it and he's just like liking it And you're like this is bullshit and then later on at the bank you're just like fucking jay jay this is mr delia oh yeah hi hi how's it going just here to

make a deposit so uh but my point is universal touchstone doesn't even exist anymore columbia pictures orion do me a favor pixar seems to have a handle on it thanks but do me a favor if you're making la la crocodile i get my kid will just watch literally a crocodile singing and dancing. But you know what, though, dude? Movie. Hey, Hollywood. Do me a favor. Okay?

Because honestly, I'm sitting there and I'm like, Jesus Christ. Now, what do all of the movies that Calvin have seen have in common? Superbets. Bad guys. Sing too. Animation. What does this one not have? One of these things is not like the other. La La Crocodile

is a live action. So we're watching it and I'm noticing Calvin watches it for a little bit and then gets restless. Why? Because nobody is literally a cartoon singing in his face. Do you like mushrooms? Do you like mushrooms? Yes, I do. Do you like popsicles? Yes, I do. Do you like mushroom popsicles? Yucky.

No, I don't. So now my son not only has to see a crocodile singing and dancing, he's also got to see an actual real-life Constance Wu say, well, we can't tell your father. He's got to see Javi Bardem. He's got to see 60-year-old Javi B over there like, this is going to make me lots of money, right? And my son doesn't care how many colors Javi B's got on. He's sitting there like, where's the mushroom popsicle?

So now, not only is he, you know, doing tumbles in his seat all laid back, not only is he running around throwing the chicken fingers that we got from iPick and the ranch sauce, only dipping fingers in his, not even eating the chicken, right? Not only is he doing that, but I'm sitting there and I'm like, Hollywood's doing me no favors by just having this crocodile not talk. The crocodile can't talk, he can only sing. Dude, if you can sing, you can talk, right? If you can sing, just do the easier version of that and or if you can sing how about you

like she'd ask him like what's going on today and he would just be like and then when she needed help with cooking he was like you grab the spatula and then you just the pancakes it's like dude you could sing how you are today too dude just sing everything be like James Corden he fucking doesn't he sing everything. Be like James Corden. He fucking, doesn't he sing like, I feel like James Corden sings 65% of the shit that comes out of his mouth. So it's just like,

I'm sitting there and Hollywood's doing me no favors and fucking Calvin's sitting there rolling around throwing fucking cheese fries and shit. Lyle Lyle Crocodile is an abomination of a movie. All right? And I mean that also even as like a kid. Who is it for? Who is it for is my question.

Super Pets, yes. Sing To. Bad Guys, the bad guys with the fucking fox and the snake and shit. That's for kids because they get my sons too. He's locked in i told you la la crocodile where the crocodile only sings and there's only one crocodile in it and the rest is live action and it's like who's that for my two-year-olds all over the place is a nine-year-old gonna want to watch that no a nine-year-old's gonna want to watch hawkeye dude wish i was sooner with that but you know it wasn't up so what are we gonna do dude a nine-year-old's gonna want to watch hawkeye

god it's so much better when you get the timing dude timing is fucking goddamn everything so um So, yeah, so look, man, we watched it and I will say this, okay? I'm watching this movie and I'm just like, it's bad. The acting is bad, the fucking, which means the directing is bad. If all of the actors are bad, the director is bad. If all of the actors are good, the director is good, period. That's how it is, okay? Javi B shows up, dude, all right? Javier Bardem, Javi B shows up, dude.

Now, Javi B shows up in a fucking outfit that would make like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory go like, you're wearing that? All right? Fucking Willy Wonka. Javi B shows up, dude. And this guy, and I'm not, this is not a joke, dude.

He arrests you. You're in the theater and he arrests you, dude. You go, where are we going? Because I'm on a you, dude. You go, where are we going? Because I'm on a ride, dude. He's so good in this movie. And then I realize Javi B is one of the most

absolute greatest actor, greatest actors of our time. Because I'm sitting here watching Javi B in his Florida Gators shirt and hat with the fucking pubes coming out the sides, right? Pret pretending he's hanging with a crocodile because it's not real but he's I mean this guy is just like doing all sorts of oh you know dancing and grabbing his hand and twisting with the fucking big-ass crocodile laughing like shit is really funny I mean this dude's on another level man and I'm watching this and then I'm like

And I actually have a thought Wait a minute Hold on I thought this guy was in No Country for Old Men but maybe he isn't Because this guy's different I had to google it afterwards For those of you that don't know if it is or it is It is him

He completely envelops the character Javi B it goes like this dude Christian Bale Let me tell you something dude There are actors that cannot People I'm going to name three actors That do things

That actors just can't do Alright There's not many of them There are more than who I'm saying But these are the three that come to mind Christian Bale right there's not many of them there are more than who i'm saying but these are the three that come to mind all right christian bale sean penn daniel day lewis and javi b now let me tell you what when i say javi because here's the thing those three actors can do things that nobody can do javi b main like there's a guy who can do what javi b did in um la la crocodile like you know nathan lane or fucking you know uh the guy from will and grace

the the the the really flamboyant one that dude would kill but could he be in no country for old men no dude imagine nathan Lane in No Country for Old Men with the fucking, like, shooting the cow in the head with the fucking, well, it's time to die. Cow, pan, you know? But, dude, the range, though? But that range that Javi B has, that range that Javier Bardem goes like,

I would like to play Lila Crocodile That range And then Zedji goes Are you sure you were in no country for old men And he goes like this Watch how I show up Happy as shit Pubes coming out the side of the fucking top hat

Florida Gator shirt on Suspenders all the way up Just like where is the crocodile It doesn't matter it's not here I will still have a the way up just like where is the crocodile it doesn't matter it's not here i will still have a good time and pretend like it is here his shit is phenomenal dude i am telling you right now and this is no joke he deserves to get nominated for an oscar for la la crocodile along and i don't think he should win i think awesome butler should win but he should be i mean dude i haven't seen all the movies i get it and

everyone's talking about, Oh, like this and that, the other thing. And this movie is good. Like somebody wants me to see Cate Blanchett and fucking tar. And I'm just like, pass dude,

you know, pass. That movie is so full of itself. I can tell by the preview. I'm sure she's great. Also, that's a different, that's best female performance, but you know,

my God, Javi B. That guy's one of my favorite actors also. That's a different, that's best female performance, but you know. My God, Javi B. That guy's one of my favorite actors now. And I was sitting, I'm watching, and when Javier Bardem shows up to La La Croix, I'm like this, okay, good, good, thank God.

I mean, this guy. Hollywood doing me no favor, but boy are the fucking, this Spaniard comes in and he's just fucking saving the day. I love Javier Bardem. And I don't mean to make this whole podcast about Javier Bardem, but sexy as all get out? I mean, come on, dude.

At least Sean Penn. Boy, when Sean Penn played I Am Sam, I go like this. This guy, you know how Christian Bale loses weight or gains weight and does that fucking, remember when he did Vice and he played, what's his name? The vice president, what was his name? Dick Cheney played Dick Cheney. And he just, Christian Bale was just like, great. i'll just eat pizza and hot dogs i mean he was giving hell the keys for that no doubt dude and he just plumped the fuck up and he probably pulled his

hair out too same for the american hustle but then he got really skinny for the machine machinist and they got really skinny and then and then beefed up right afterward for batman i mean dude what christian bale does with his weight, honestly, for acting, I swear to God, Sean Penn did with Down syndrome in I Am Sam. That dude got it for three months. He fucking got it for three months. If you watch, dude, look at this. Here's how you know if somebody is a good actor or not. Google a still image of them in a character.

Dude, Google a still image of them in a character dude google a still image google a still image of the person in the in the movie i'll put a still i'm gonna put a still image of somebody right of sean penn right here and i am sam it's gonna be right here i haven't get sure if it's gonna do it look at that look at that image dude. And the Oscar for best still image goes to Sean Penn in I Am Sam. This is Sean Penn's first still image Oscar for playing a down center. Look at that picture. He obviously has incredible strength and a big head. Great. We'll get fucking flagged for that.

But you know what I mean, dude. You know what I'm saying. This is a comedy podcast. We already can't fucking get it gained. What's up with the subscribers, YouTube? It's because we got Colton the name or whatever. Whatever. Do we ride it out? You can't keep us down. And the award for Oscar for Best

Still Image this year goes to Javi B for Lyle Lyle Crocodile. Him with the suspenders like this. And you get it. Dude, if somebody acts good in a picture, that person, dude. And I can do that. I can do that. 100% I can do that.

You know? So, I'm telling you If you get me I know I haven't been in movies lately And I'm not even like I've actually had some offers I go I don't know I don't know

I'd rather just fucking go on stage And just absolutely obliterate I'd rather go on stage But talk about my truth But also obliterate But also take some laws and talk about what's happening. But I also, you know, I'm not sure about Hollywood, but boy, if I get on a fucking movie, if I get in a movie again, dude, it's a problem. It's a problem on screen. I don't mean on set with shenanigans. It's a problem on

screen, dude. Best still Oscar for best still photo goes to me, dude. I don't give a fuck. I'll play anybody. I'll play an Asian with no makeup. I'll play fucking, I'll do the Javi B story. I play Javi Arbarm. A Spaniard growing up in the fucking 40s or 50s, whatever it was. 60s maybe.

But he's sexy as all get out though isn't he he really is google a fucking picture of javier javier bardem 20 years ago oh my god the guy just would literally hand out towels when he walked on the street to women i know you probably need this yes you probably need this right if you're going to sit down you should probably put this on first right oh look a snail trail hello yes oh you already saw me i see you're leaking i see yes we thought they were dark jeans but they're just wet here you go handing out jeans and fucking towels hello yes you have met javier brendan dude how how much dude wow man yes i know i know i am so Dude, wow, man. Yes, I know. I know.

I am so sexy. It's a gift and a curse. I did not mean to be this sexy. I grew up into my looks. And then once I grew up... I know. I know. You like the scruffy look. You're lucky I don't shave

because I'm actually good clean shaven too. How many of you guys can be like that? Here is a towel and here are some new jeans. They're light. I probably have so many children. I have no idea And I have talent

God how much is he a fucking Great father probably too you know Just my hero Whatever dude I talked about fucking Javier Bardem way too long in this podcast Just my hero. Whatever, dude. I talked about fucking Javier Bardem way too long in this podcast, but sometimes the podcast calls for what it calls for, right? You can't just fucking force some shit. You can't come on here and be like, yeah, but I've got an agenda,

and I want to talk about this. Who am I fucking? What am I? CNN? I come on here, and I let the shit unfold, dude. I'm a real journalist over here. These movies, man. I love couch sitting.

And obviously, I love couch sitting so much. Guess what I started doing? Wordle. Dude, killing it. 92% success rate. Okay. So? So what?

What does that mean? I missed one out of 12 so far. I've been doing it for 12 straight days. Yeah,. Okay. So? So what? What does that mean? I missed one out of 12 so far. I've been doing it for 12 straight days. Yeah, he plays Wordle. So what? He gets, mostly gets it in four or five. But,

uh, Wordle is crazy. It's a fucking, it's one of those things. You go to wordle.com or some shit and I'm doing Wordle and I'm killing it, having a good time.

And then I fucking tell my mom about how I love Wordle and she's like, I love Wordle too. And then she goes like this. You ever heard of Quirtle? And I go like this, ma. This is like the time when like, I love Wordle too. And then she goes like this. You ever heard of Quirtle? And I go like this, ma.

This is like the time when you, I don't, this, my mom will do shit like this. We're like, I'm like, we're like at dinner. And she's like, do you know what you're going to get? And I'm like, yeah, I think the burger looks great. And she'll be like, oh, okay. But they have meatloaf. I don't know if you saw it. And now I'm conflicted, dude. I already gave you a definitive answer. But you're going to throw fucking, I didn't see if you saw and now I'm conflicted dude. I already gave you a definitive answer

But you're gonna throw fucking what I didn't see the meatloaf and now I don't know what I was totally happy and content Right I am somebody that when the government says we don't want to tell the public this I go like this good Don't tell us this shit. You'll figure it out That's me at dinner and my mom's the government like well we got to let the public know they have meatloaf and now i'm the general public population in turmoil there's mutiny going on inside me half of me wants a burger and half of me wants the meatloaf so you know

she tells me about quartal and i'm like at this point my mom says have you heard of quartal and i go and honestly i'm 20 sure now that maybe my mom has actually gotten senile because i'm like what are you making shit up she goes there's four four squares there's not just one square there There's four of them. And you keep guessing letters and you have to get all four. And I go, that sounds horrible. And she says, it's fine. And I say, all right, I'll try it. And I try it that night. And let me fucking tell you something, dude. When I tried it that night, dude, I was doing that. I mean, dude, I was doing, you can only do them once a day. What the fuck's up with Wordle or Quirtle? You can only do them once a day.

That's bullshit. I want one of, I want to do them more than once. Stop gifting me this shit. I know the idea is to, I don't understand it. To me, it's a bad business plan. Like I want to do more and more and more and more. I want to play it as much as I can. Dude, when I did Bananagrams, I did it fucking all day.

Imagine people saying, yo, that's like giving one, somebody one Lay's potato chip. I want the whole fucking thing. And then I'll eat more and then you'll make more money. Right. But dude, so I'm playing fucking wordle and yeah, it's fun. And,

and then I fucking, I'm like, let me try this quartal thing. It's not going to be good, but sure enough. And now I'm playing wordle and quartal and eats up fucking 25 minutes. Right. So I'm just like couch sitting,

doing wordle and quartal. I see mama, my mom again. She goes, so was I right about Quirtle or what? And I said, yeah, Quirtle's actually really great and we're sharing each other our scores. You know I have a good relationship

with my mommy. And she says, you should try Ockturtle. There's eight boxes. Hey! Enough's enough. Enough's enough.

So trying to get in on the fucking Hurtle craze. So trying to get in on the Hurtle craze, dude. Leave it at Quartle. I mean, OcturtLE doesn't even sound good is it about a fucking shelled animal

she goes you should try OCTURTLE it's really fun and I say dude you know what I can't I'm not I go I go OCTURTLE where's the fucking thing You know what? I can't. I'm not. I go. I go. Ock turtle?

Where's the fucking thing? Come on. It's the best. File's done. Come on, man. So I didn't do Ock Turtle yet, but I have a feeling fucking next week i'm gonna come in and be like yo octortle's the shit dude that's how i do it i say nah fuck that shit because here's the thing anytime i'm like russian dude anytime someone says you should try this i go like this what do you fucking secretly want from me are you a cuda are you just seeing somebody's shiny bracelet and

trying to snatch that up because you think you want it or do you actually understand the value of the diamond bracelet and how you can resell it later and this or are you just want to wear it to fucking floss are you a secret cuda because i'm rushing with this shit man you can't just be all like telling me to do shit i'm involved my grandfather My grandfather, my grandfather Bam, that was his name. His name was Vincent, but they called him Bam because when he was young, he was skinny as a bamboo. But my grandpa Bam always said, never volunteer for anything. And when my dad said, my grandpa said that when I was younger, I go like this. Wee bay meme.

I'm like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why would you volunteer for anything? Then they got you. Are you the kind of person that says, oh, yeah, let me plug my email in for this. They got you. Did you ever do the 23andMe to find out your, what'd you find out, huh? Oh, what'd you find out?

You fucking got 5% Botswanian? They got you. I don't do 23andMe. I don't type in my email for a fucking 10% discount. They got you. They can control you. Now, I'm not Alex Jones, but I'm telling you, dude. We stop at quartal now tomorrow when i start doing octortle the whole

fucking thing is i say fuck this fuck that i don't want to be doing that and then i get into it and then i really get into it i know my friends make fun of me said you said fuck that shit and then i'd say well you know it's good to have an open mind and then i say you got to start doing octortle and then they're like i don't want to do the fucking shit and i get all them involved and then they keep doing it and then i find something else because i got addiction baby and when i find out something i like i run it into the ground baby um so yeah dude there's octortle out there trying to cash in on the on the order uh on the order craze um but it's a nice it's a nice it's a nice game i like i don't really like games i like things by myself right like i don't ever want to like people are always like why don't you want to

play ultimate frisbee why don't you want to go golfing you know let's do a tandem bike ride and i'm just like dude if i'm gonna do this shit it's me versus me. It's, I don't want to, or me versus one other person, but it's like, like I did jujitsu for five, six years, but still that's kind of me versus me, right? Bowling, I got to play against somebody. I don't want to do that. It's not really me versus me, but like baseball, football, I can blame other people. If it's just me, it's just me. If I fuck up on Wordle, it's just me, dude. Unless there's fucking, you know, someone's nagging me from the background or some shit's deeper.

But yeah, I don't like that. I like only when it's just me. Me versus me. Yeah, I don't like that. I like only when it's just me. Me versus me. I mean, that might have been the title of the show, Me Versus Me,

except for the fact that Hell's Got the Keys is such a fucking rip-roaring awesome title that that's what it has to be. We were at my parents. This is when my mom told me about Octortal. Octortal. Tortle. We went to... We were in locking you out of visiting my parents and then kristen says can i have uh your your wallet i need to buy something and i say

sure right because i know she's very cool with the money it's not like she's going to buy like a fucking, you know, jet ski. We're on the way home. Got two jet skis. So I say, okay, sure. She picks me up. I said, what are you buying? She said, just something. I'm like, okay. All right. Weird.

You're not, but okay. So then we are leaving and she's like, let's go by 845. And I'm like, okay. I'm like, what's going on here? And she says, we should leave at 845 because we want to go to Verdugo. We should go to Verd45. And I'm like, okay. I'm like, what's going on here? And she says, we should leave at 845 because we want to go to Verdugo. We should go to Verdugo. Sorry,

sorry. Uh, uh, Descanso gardens. And I'm like, Descanso gardens. It's like a fucking cool, like tree plant garden in La Cunada.

It's beautiful. People go from all over the place. And, uh, I've never been, I grew up in La Cunada and It's beautiful. People go from all over the place. And I've never been. I grew up in La Cunada and I've never been to fucking Descanso Gardens. Isn't that crazy? I've literally never been.

You've been how many times? Never been. He's been 10. Never been. Have you? Yeah, he doesn't live in La Cunada. So I grew up there, never went.

Because me, I'm always like, what, there's lots of plants? Okay. Me, I'm like, okay, so there's some big trees that do crazy twirly shits? Okay, fine. I could Google that. But Kristen wants to go. And I say, oh, okay.

But it's dark. And she says, that's the thing. They got a whole Halloween getup. And I say, really? And they say, yeah, Cal's going to love it. It's one of the only things that you can do for a two-year-old that isn't scary as shit. And they say, oh, really?

Did you look that up? Or is that something that you think? Right? Because this is, you know, my OCD working overtime. And she says, oh, well, no. It actually says, like, Not Scary Farm and Universal and all that shit, the Halloween Horror Nights. You shouldn't go for anywhere under 13. And I'm like, 13?

Jesus, okay, fine. So, Descanso Gardens it is. It was like one of the only things, right? Besides, you only want to go to a pumpkin patch. But those are all closed at fucking 9. So, she's like, I got tickets to go from 9 to 10. So, I'm like, what is Descanso Gardens? What is this Halloween thing?

And she says, I don't know. And I says, well, you looked it up, right? And she's like, yeah, it's like they got like, you know, Halloween stuff. And I'm like, but what is it? And she says, I don't know. And she says, stop asking me looked it up, right? And she's like, yeah, it's like they got like, you know, Halloween stuff. And I'm like, so, but what is it? And she says, oh, I don't know. And she says, stop asking me. I don't really know. And I said, well, we're going.

We should know what it is. Anyway, we didn't, it wasn't like an argument, but I'm like, whatever. And then so I said, Calvin, will you ask mommy what it is? So she'll answer you because you won't answer me. And she goes, and it was a little sitcom moment, but it's all good. So we went to Descanso Gardens and our tickets were from nine to ten i don't know why you had tickets but you just i guess it would get overcrowded and let me tell you something dude my son had such a unking blast dude he saw so many pumpkins man there were so

many freaking pumpkins so many beautiful pumpkins that they carved they you know they had like a um but i had like a moment there that was totally unexpected that i was blindsided from we get to descanso gardens and we're walking around a little bit my my my son's saying like you know i got pumpkin pants on and he does they're glow-in-the-dark i got a pumpkin shirt on she's another girl with, they're glow in the dark. I got a pumpkin shirt on. She's another girl with a pumpkin shirt on. He says to her, I got a pumpkin shirt on. It's cool.

It's called carved is what it is at the, uh, Verdugo. I keep saying Jesus, Descanso gardens, Verdugo hospitals right next to it. And don't know why I keep doing that. But, um, so we are walking through it and the, the sconsal gardens is like this really big set up area.

That's also, it, it, I mean, it's like there's stuff that's built in it, like, like, like benches and like a small outdoor stage. And then there's like, you know, um, like stuff that's like obviously planted like bed of flowers and there's a huge beautiful tree that if you chopped it down you'd probably get like fucking 90 years in prison and uh and uh it's it's just like there's like lights and stuff that are put up and they really deck it out for halloween though and there's like i mean

i'm talking about if there's if there's a hundred pumpkins there's there's got to be 800 pumpkins lit up like jack-o'-lanterns i mean right some of them are carved in like with like movies like they got a batman one they got a fucking you know encanto one for kids and shit my son's looking at the Minions one. And I'm walking with Calvin and Calvin's just having a blast. I mean, he's really visual. It's not like La La Crocodile. It's like he's fucking arrested watching Sing 2.

Like really locked in. Like about to go for that G-Force testing. And he looks at these benches, almost like pews in this outdoor stage. And there's this big skeleton on this outdoor stage. And candles and all this shit lit up for Halloween. And Calvin looks at it, and he walks towards it. And he keeps saying, what?

What? He takes four or five steps, and he says, what? What? What? He takes four or five steps. He says, what? What? He keeps looking at the skeleton. What? And it's hysterical, okay? Because I'm his dad. It's honestly not that crazy.

But it's blowing his fucking mind. Or he's seen me do this about something and now he's just recreating it. I don't know. Either way, it's blowing his fucking mind. Or he's seen me do this about something and now he's just recreating it. I don't know. Either way, it's hilarious. And we're passing these pews. He walks all the way up to the skeleton and he's just saying, what, what?

And I'm sitting next to him, looking at him right up at the skeleton. And then I don't actually look at the skeleton because my whole thing is when I'm watching a movie With my son Or we're experiencing something new I don't watch the thing, I watch my son

Because I want to Although experience this with him I really want to take in how much He loves and is experiencing This new thing So I'm looking at him And Kristen is standing behind me and I realize her energy changes.

And it's not a big thing, but it's like a very small, minute thing that I think honestly only I could probably feel because I'm her husband. And she puts her hand on Calvin's shoulder. husband and she puts her hand on calvin's shoulder and then i look up at the skeleton and it's got a bunch of pictures of children on it with candles and i realize that these are children that have passed away and kristin says okay calvin come here, and we go to sit down on the bench to, I guess, you know, pay our respects, you know, I didn't realize, it was just, it was odd, because Calvin's saying, what, what, and there's comedy in that, but there was also a very weighty

sadness that I wasn't even aware of until I was aware of it, and Calvin was never aware of it, sadness that I wasn't even aware of until I was aware of it. And Calvin was never aware of it. And, um, we sit on the bench and Calvin sitting with me and I'm, I'm just hit with like this very, um, strong mix of feelings of how,

of how lucky I am that I have this and how sad this is. And how I'm well aware of this and Calvin isn't. To me, to him, it's just this big skeleton that's just incredulous. And Calvin walks away with Kristen and I sit, and I just start fucking crying, dude, like, it all hit me about how, like, just blindsided me about how sad this is, that this is the reality that we live in, and I'm so fortunate, and you're so fortunate to live every day with somebody that you love, because that could be just fucking ripped from you and at any moment and so we did that and that was kind of in the beginning of of uh of uh the disconzo gardens thing and you know it's like when i say life rips

it's like those are the moments where you really have to fucking take that in. And then we leave. At the end of it, we were there for about an hour, and we leave. And then we drive home. Kristen goes to bed a little later, and Calvin, we put him down. And I went downstairs, and I just started thinking about these children and these families of these children. children and these families of these children and you know this is uh after i watched the movie till death with megan fox uh so it really has no bearing on it just kind of like the just kind of fuck them the big idiot i am you know what i mean just

watching a fucking megan fox movie because it's on netflix and i'm just and i just go i'll give it a try and uh after this movie i just i'm just sitting and i'm like should i eat something i start thinking about these children and um i just i get so sad and i and i start crying again like um because i i i i realize i'm i i live in uh i'm i have this fear of this world being so chaotic. And I have this fear of being a father and a parent in this world when there's so much craziness out there. And I start panicking. And I had, I would say a panic attack, not a full blown. I've had bad panic attacks before a few, a couple. Uh, but this one was right up there. I mean, I, I started crying and like, I couldn't understand why I, I, I, I, I should feel fortunate, you know? And I was just, I was literally crying because I was scared, which I don't think I've ever done before, unless I, you know, since I was Calvin's age.

Um, and it was just a really weird, unique experience. I, you know, I cried for like fucking 30 minutes and then I went to bed and I couldn't fall asleep and I finally fell asleep. I was just like, I hope that I wake up tomorrow and I feel okay. And I woke up the next morning and I felt better, but not all better. And then that's today.

Um, and I kept thinking, how am I going to do this podcast? But, um, I did, I just, you know, and I think it's going well and it's thinking how am i going to do this podcast but um i did i just you know and i think it's going well and it's fun you know i had a lot of interesting things to say about javier javier bardem but and and and and and and quartal but uh it's just like real life fucking keeps happening dude that's the craziest thing you know when i was in before i was really like in in therapy and really dealing with like my myself and my emotions and shit and just kind of living uh for pleasure uh and selfishly um i would have never thought about this shit. And now that I do, it's so fucking uncomfortable for me.

But like I also had therapy today and it was brutal. Like I was like really like emotional during the therapy. And then afterwards I felt a little better. I feel a little better now. I don't know, man. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. It's just like fucking, I mean, we deal with all these emotions as people. And like, even as like a funny, we're having a great time and then a sad time and then a fucking another good time. It's like, even in this podcast, like, you know, this podcast used to be fucking silly goose times strictly.

And now it's silly goose times, fucking absolutely 75% of the time. But every now and then I got to tell you how I'm feeling, dude. And I got to tell you how I'm feeling because like, I don't owe it to anybody, but I just want to. I'm 42 and I implore you guys to fucking do the same, man. You know, somebody called into Lifeline, my other podcast here on Supercall Studios, and they were talking about how their husband, uh, it won't do therapy. And, um, it's just like, I think it's really beneficial, man. I was talking to my tattoo artist the other day about therapy.

I got this. The elevator with the heart in it. People keep asking me what it means. I'll talk about it one day. But it does great work, man, huh? It does great work, man. So now I told him, either I'm like this or like this in my podcast, you'll always see one of your designs.

The dude's good. Yeah. It's a crazy world out there. I did watch that movie Till Death of Megan Fox. Dude, and I'm not, like, you know, Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly,

they're dating and it's super annoying, but, you know, I love Machine Gun Kelly, they're dating and it's super annoying. But, you know, I love Machine Gun Kelly. I love – well, I don't know anything about Megan Fox, right? Except for she's dating him and she was in Transformers and that movie Jennifer's Body. And I know nothing about her at all. And I'm always annoyed when two famous people are dating and I have to see it all the time. Right?

So, and so I'm watching this movie till death. I just put it on and I'm like, this is going to be fucking shitty just because most movies are shitty and that's going to be a safe bet. And then I fucking almost start watching it. Dude, you know, Megan Fox is a good actress. She's good. This movie was a fine movie. No, it was a fine script. And the way that it was directed and the way that Megan Fox did it tonally, she elevated the fucking project, dude. Congratulations to fucking Megan Fox for real. She's good. She was fucking good, dude, in this movie. She's good. She was fucking good, dude, in this movie.

I don't know if that fucking is something to even talk about, but it's just like, dude, congrats to her. I guess Kanye's buying Parler. This guy, it's like, this guy just can't stay out of the fucking media. Media, stop it. I guess it gets clicks. This whole shit, buy a parlor. Because Elon Musk bought Twitter, you know. Kanye West bought to buy a conservative social media platform, parlor.

Because he was locked out of Twitter and Instagram for anti-Semitic posts. Who wants to be? This is the thing to me. It's like when a, when a, when a, when a white guy says the N word or like when anybody is anti-Semitic, anti-Semitic, like freedom of speech,

I understand, but why do you want to say the N word so bad? Like it's so easy just, just to not do it. Yeah. But freedom of speech. Okay but why though that why who cares that much if you care so much about free speech to that you're like i should be able to say the n-word on twitter then you're it's you may not be racist but but why do you care that much? So it's like, it's picking out a little bit. I get words are just words, but also why?

Like, you can absolutely just say the N-word in reference, or hey, somebody said this and say it, and not be racist, but why do you want to say it so bad is my point. If I say, hey, he said the N-word and don't say the N-word and I say the word, that doesn't make me racist, but I can easily say the N-word. That's the whole thing I don't get about it. it's like he's going on an anti-semitic now granted i didn't read everything he said i i saw a few things it seemed like he was saying stuff against jews so the fact that he's like fuck that i'm gonna go to parlor so i can say this

stuff why though maybe look inward maybe look inward right we all should look inward like you can be on parlor and not be a piece of shit i don't think that like it's got the media has this fucking you know biased against parlor because you, it's got this whole like, you know, bigot connotation, which I have no idea. I've never been on it. I have no,

no idea, but like you can be on par, you could get the parlor, be on parlor. And it doesn't mean you're a bigot, right? Um, but if you want to do antisemitic shit or say the N word, it's super weird,

you know, like how's Connie going to feel when the guys are popping off with the N-word? On Parler. I'm going to get Parler. How big is Parler? How many people are on Parler? I'm going to look. How many users

on Parler? Here we go. How many people use parler 2022 what oh that was 2021 um no last year it was 32 000 new downloads so here earlier million. So the current stats of Parler shows that there are over 16 million registered users registered users in 2022. Earlier in 2022, their social media platform was 20 million for its own continuation. Since its return to the Apple store, it is, oh wow,

they went back. I didn't know that. It has experienced 32,000 new downloads over all the first 10 days of January. Saw 870,000 new users across Apple devices. Okay, so that's so many different numbers. What does it have, you know? Can you get, I guess you can't get banned from Parler.

I don't know. A million active users. This movie that came out in 2017, Urban Myths. I saw this the other day and it's just like... Okay, we're watching it. Okay, he plays Bob Dylan. Pretty cool.

Ben Shepard can carry Grant. Guy plays Samuel Beckett. All good. Fine, whatever. Okay, he plays Bob Dylan. Pretty cool. Ben Shappen could carry Grant. Guy plays Samuel Beckett. All good. Fine, whatever. Guy's playing Adolf Hitler. Okay. That's fine. Elizabeth Taylor.

Brian Cox plays Marlon Brando. Hey, though, Joe Fine plays Michael Jackson. Have you seen this shit? 2017. Dude, he plays Michael Jackson here. It's got to be here. What the fuck, bro? I mean, just a white guy

dude in 2017 isn't it crazy how much five years have changed who the fuck if they were going to make a Michael Jackson movie they would have to get a black guy to do it right which is hilarious because he's so he's white he's whiter than a white guy it would be so much easier to just get a white guy

and do a little makeup you know but they'd have to get a fucking, an actual black guy. Wow. Insane. Honestly, I would argue that that's insane in the membrane. This is the thing. Okay. So this was anti-Semitic. Kanye West tweeted this.

I'm a bit sleepy tonight, but when I wake up, I'm going DEATHCON3 on Jewish people in caps. Wow. The funny thing is I actually can't be anti-Semitic because black people are actually Jews. So you guys have toyed with me

and tried to blackball anyone who opposes your agenda. Dude, my favorite part about this tweet is I'm a bit sleepy tonight. What? There's so many things. Like don't like how about how about just don't tweet this and go defcon three on jewish people tomorrow you can still do that like people are going to be reading that and be like oh well honey it's

gonna be hard to get some sleep tonight. Why? You see this Kanye tweet? He's going to go death con three on us. Also, I'm a bit like saying you're asleep. What grown man says he's sleepy even? You just say I'm tired. I'm a bit sleepy tonight, but when I wake up, I'm going DeathCon 3 on Jewish people. What's DeathCon 3?

What is that? Is that like a Star Wars thing? The Death Convention? Military thing? Wow, not going military. Just a rapper. A guy who makes shoes. A guy who makes too big clothing.

Death concert. Hey, man, you can't say that on Twitter. Hey, man. Can't be anti-Semitic. Dude, that's the whole thing. I don't like when people say white people can't be racist. That's like saying black people can't be anti-Semitic. that's the whole thing i don't think i don't like when people say white people can't be racist that's like saying like black people can't be anti-semitic dude white wait wait no sorry people say you can't be racist against white people is what they say which is my whole thing is dude it's got to stop at the point where if anyone's being judging you

because of the color of you or something like that you're i don't give a fuck dude you're racist i don't the history is bad i get it i get it it's harder for black people 100 but dude you could be racist against white people period i know that we actually can't be those people who like scholars will be like yes you can't be because of them bro i stop i go like this uh and honestly that makes me go to deathcon 3 I would go to deathcon 4 to that but I don't know how many deathcons there are but I would do the maximum deathcon

I would go right under the maximum deathcon for that if somebody said you couldn't be racist against me so that's that let's look at some of these deserve it scales which really be peaking my interest you know what I mean because of how people fall down and we love it. My son bonked his head the other day and he almost cried and I hugged him and I said,

it's going to be okay. It's okay. It's okay. And it was okay. And he, I said, take a deep breath. He goes, and he didn't, he didn't cry. And it was fucking so awesome. It was in the middle of La La Crocodile.

I keep talking about La La Crocodile, but you know what, dude, we were watching it and I had to take him out for a little bit. And he said, let's go out there. And I went out there. And then as soon as we and I had to take him out for a little bit. And he said, let's go out there. And I went out there. And then as soon as we went out, I had to pee. I peed. And he said, let's go back into the movie theater. And I was like, okay.

And he went there, and he fucking self-crawled all over the seats. He can't win. Hey, guys. That's the end of the episode today for YouTube. If you want the raw, the uncut version, the uncensored version, go on over to patreon.com slash chrisdalia. And you can get the episode in its entirety. And you can also

get the extra episodes that we've done. I think we've done like almost 20 of them at this point. So go on over and pay $6 and get all of that. All of the episodes. If you're going on a road trip, it's phenomenal. It's also good to gift it, dude. The holidays are coming up. But also, dude, you get

extra content like we do review mode. We do, I did a podcast with kristin on there and uh all you never know what we're doing over there okay until it happens but we have a good time so patreon.com kristalia thank you I'm a motherfucker, I'm a motherfucker, I'm a motherfucker, I'm a motherfucker, I'm a motherfucker.