Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 281. A Crimson Cent

Episode Date: October 27, 2022

🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia 👉 Thank you ORIGINAL GRAIN: Go to originalgrain.com and use code CONGRATS for 30% off your order 👉 10% off Pure Spectrum CBD, use code CONGRATS at checkout purespectrumcbd.com  This week Chris flew home with an extreme sniffer. He also has thoughts on Kanye, the founder of Hobby Lobby, and he took a smelly trip to the bank. Plus some excellent deserve-it-scale videos! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy Hello everyone and welcome to the congratulations hour This is the episode 2, I guess I shouldn't say the title twice But this is episode 281 of congratulations Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy Crazy, crazy, crazy, uh, it's, you know, congratulations. It's what's for dinner. Uh, no.

Wish I didn't say that, but sometimes in life, things happen and you roll with the punches. Uh, Denver, I will be there soon. And also, actually, Phoenix, I will, or no, sorry, Tempe. I've got a few tickets left for tomorrow night or tonight, depending on when you're listening to this, or yesterday or a week ago. But Denver, I will be there. ChrisLeah.com. New York, New York, New York, February 18th.

Chicago, February 25th, I think probably. Seattle, almost gone. They love me where it rains. And then Portland, I'll be there. I heard it's a mess up there, baby. And then I got other spots. Let's see, Albany sold out. Lakeland, Florida.

Midland, Sugarland, Texas. Midland, Texas for some reason. And then we're adding Austin soon. But be ready, though. But be ready. Going to play the Moody Theater or Moody Blues, whatever the heck it's called. I think it's called Moody Blues or did I make that up? Sometimes you make up words, you just say stuff, and you're like, oh, that's not even what happened at all.

And then I told a story about my grandma the other day, and then I realized halfway through, it was like, oh, this is actually not what happened. And then I kept going. I just forced my way through it. And it was all pretty much just completely wrong. And it's all good. Life rips while you're doing that, while you're making mistakes, and it continues to rip. Speaking of which, we've got our new merch out there for the holiday. It's not really for the holiday season, but you can get it for the holiday season and gift it to people. The new Life Rips colorways with that font that I really love. And you do too, because I said so.

And we're just trying to build this cult, dude. You know? The tattoo, somebody just sent me that they got Life Rips on the inside of their fingers. Jeez, man. That must hurt. But they fade a lot, right? Whatever. On the fingers and all that and whatnot.

For me, I shouldn't get it on my trigger finger because of how I make the gun talk. You know what I'm saying? Because when I get pissed off, right? We don't want me to reach in the back. We don't want me to reach behind my seat and pull out something that's four pounds, right? Because it gets itchy, right? When you start talking a mess with me, it gets itchy. And I said mess, not the swear word, because they

say in the first however many minutes of a YouTube video, if you swear, then it tracks it and you get shadowbanned a little bit. What's with the 596 subscribers that we have on Super Cult Studios? What's with it, dude? Something's going on. Our subscribers, we were killing it. It was doubling it. It was doubling it. I came back to YouTube and we were doubling it until they killed me. That's what Tupac said.

Not like someone's going to. But what's the deal, dude? We changed it to Super Cult. Immediately stopped. No extra subscribers in the next seven it's a conspiracy so what is it what is it talk amongst yourself in the comments hypo activate that algorithm because it's like what is going on is going on mate it's just absolutely mental we stole the 596, when we came back, we had like 516, mate, we had like, bloody like, what, what was it, like 80,000, like, whatever, like a month, and then it stole as soon as we got there,

and changed the name, can't, what is it, the two things that changed, we changed the name, and we added Lifeline, this is not, Lifeline is a rip-roaring show, dude, Added Lifeline. Lifeline is a rip-roaring show, dude. But I digress. So check if you're even subscribed. Subscribe again. Get your friends to subscribe.

What's YouTube doing, baby? It's a conspiracy. And you know what? I've been a part of conspiracies before. So it's fine. I can deal with it and I can roll with the punches. But we have a good time here. Hey, dude.

Round of applause for me. Also, major bonehead move. I don't go to the bank too often because a lot of this stuff gets wired, right? Because, you know, paper gets heavy. but we, I went to the bank, and I put it in my Google directions, or whatever it's called, and guess what happened, dude, a Wells Fargo came up, and I go, great, on Santa Monica Boulevard, that's where I go, all good, I know the dudes there, I know the homies, and I know the, good i know the dudes there i know the homies and i know that speaking of money i just made 60 on shopify but um yeah dude and it's like so i i plug it in and i'm going down to go to santa monica the the the the the street and i'm like it says take left and i'm like that's but that's

not where it is i go i'm like all right, let's just see what they do. Sometimes they say, like, well, they pretend like if you do it in the Google thing, maps, it'll go in, and then it's just like a fucking, what do you call it? First swear word, 530 minutes in. It's a fucking, what do you call it, ATM. And you're like, oh, for fuck's sake, you ever do that? You put it in the bank, and you're like, ooh, Bank of America, and you go, and it's just an ATM. And you're like, I want it to go ever do that you put it in the bank and you're like oh Bank of America and you go and it's just an ATM and you're like I wanted to go in so dude they should specify on the Google but again I digress and so um so I get there and it's a whole full bank dude and it was closer than the one that I've been going to for years so oh dude what a big bonehead move and I'm pissed but it's okay because we're stacking yate right so i go in

and the fucking bank the new bank that i'm gonna go to this is not my home bank dude oh it's much closer than the last one and yeah i like the guy who deals with my shitty emails me from time to time you know he's like you want to go over some more interest rates or whatever they say i don't listen to the email but i i always reply back like yeah whatever my business manager says buddy good seeing you the other day but they got a whole bank that i didn't know about a whole bank that i didn't know about and so i go in and when i go in what's it smell like it smells like eggs and pipes dude it smells like fucking eggs and pipes dude and. And you know what I'm talking about, too. That's the greatest thing. Smells like eggs and pipes.

And so I go there because this is not my home bank. And guess what? It's next to a fucking coffee shop. Jesus Christ. So I'm just like in heaven, dude. And it's near a Trader Joe's, but it's all good because I don't go to Trader Joe's, nor do I grocery shop. But the talent there and the chicks that go there, the eye candy, it's all good because I don't go to Trader Joe's Nor do I grocery shop But the talent there and the chicks that go there The eye candy, it's ridiculous

But your boy's just looking Nowadays, right? He's just looking He's like that emoji like this But he just looks, but it's all good I'm not dead One time when I was a kid, I asked my dad, I said, when do you want to stop sleeping with other women? And he laughed like hell and he said,

well, I don't know. You always want to. And I said, really? And he said, yeah, I'm not dead. Oh, we were at the Dodger game. The memories. But so anyway, I go into the bank and it smells like eggs and farts and fucking pipes and shit.

Sewer. Sewer. Sewage. And I'm doing the bank and I'm there for way too long. And it's too long. So I'm the next in line. I'm waiting too long. And already I'm like pissed off at my new home bank.

And then it's my turn and I go in and I have two checks. I have a personal check and then I have a business check. All right. I do the personal check and they make me sign in four different times. Okay. So I'm, I say, what's going on? Is everything cool? And they're like, yeah, sorry. It's just, we got the account number wrong and we got to write a new thing. So sign this. So I signed that. Then they try to put my business check in they they give me something to sign again i sign it they they they try to do it then i have to sign something else again and i say is everything okay and they say yes and then the lady comes over and this is 25 minutes in i'm dealing i'm standing at this fucking whatever it is with the bulletproof

glass and i'm waiting and this lady walks in and she says hold on i wrote it down quote quote i wrote it down quote she walked in just like this super sassy beautiful lady like walked in like you know with big hoop earrings and i'm not you know i don't want to you can get in a lot of trouble saying somebody's race but you know what race she was just because of the hoop earrings right well i guess you could have been mexican but she wasn't so now you know what she is and so uh this is what she said hold on she walked in and it was just i was getting so riled up and then because it took so long and then she goes like this oh what is this smell it's funky in here y'all dude it was just me

and she walks in and she says oh what is this smell that's funky in here y'all and i looked at her and i go yeah and then she walked by me and she said to the fucking guy behind the counter he says are you guys she says are you guys by the sewer just so great she says what's what's this smell that she said to she after she said oh what's the smell? After she said, ooh, what's the smell? It's funky in here, y'all. She arrived at the thing and she said, what's the smell? What's the smell? It stink up in here, y'all.

I'm going to buy y'all some Lysol. And I'm just, finally, dude, she came to my rescue. So thank you, lady. You got big hoop earrings, but you came to my, her hoop earrings were so big. If she was sitting in front of me in the movie theater i have to watch watch the movie through them um but yeah dude it stink up in here y'all so i was pissed and then she came in and saved the day and lightened my mood you know what it is dude i'm my fucking shit and i'm not bipolar so chill with the comments dude you guys you know everyone's always trying to diagnose like somebody's like oh chrystalia

the first guy who's addicted to CBD. I'm not addicted to CBD. You can't get addicted to CBD. But I love CBD, dude. And I'm with that pure spectrum. And if you want it, dude, I eat those gummies. Those gummies are ridiculous. I put the dropper under my tongue and I let it sit for 30 minutes, 30 seconds.

And I just fucking, you know, I let it ruminate and fucking, you know, I'm just like, I put the drop in and then I'm like, that top note. And it chills me out, dude. And did, have I had restless leg syndrome since I've taken the pure spectrum CBD? And the answer is absolutely no, I haven't dude. So it's working. And if you want to get it, the links below in the show note description, and you can get 10% off by typing in congrats.

Yes, dude. And I'm doing that because, you know, I started taking it and I like it and they wanted to partner with me and, you know. So get 10% off. Actually, no. You know what? They're doing 20% off this weekend, I believe. Anyway, go check it out. But, yeah.

So, yeah, dude. But my mood is very chill. But let's get off the CBD talk. But I'm too, in my life, I have been in the past too back and forth with my emotions. Like something smells bad. I'm pissed off. I walk outside. It's a beautiful day.

And then I drop that and then I'm feeling good all of a sudden. I got to be more zen, you know? I got to just start like, I heard a podcast the other day and they were like saying something about how we have to remove want. If you want to be like Jesus or jesus depending on how much of a fucking asshole you are some real ass will say jesus um but you have to uh remove want from your vocabulary and your just you remove want from your life and i was like that's like, if you didn't want shit, how much easier your life would be? Like I, I see shoes sometimes like, oh, I want those.

But then when I just sit back and I'm like, if I wanted to remove want from my life, there you go. I already want to remove want from my life. So I'm fucked. I'm thinking of it wrong. If I didn't want, let's just say that if i didn't want right then how easy would life be in the the it's just tremendous but then you have a kid and you want their life to be good and that's a want so it's like that really falls on its ass and religion is bullshit all good but don't be mad at me if you think you know it's like i'm not outwardly outspoken against

this shit but it's just like religion is just like you know what i mean it's just like between religion you know they they how they house a bunch of traditions and traditions are the start of everything horrible you know what i say on my podcast like tradition in my on my in my cult we have no traditions because traditions is what causes war traditions is what causes anger traditions is what makes your dad flip up the fucking plate on thanksgiving because it's not going right and then he's pissed and goes in his room and they got to talk if there were no traditions we would all live in harmony i'm telling you the truth dude everyone's fucking crazy religion is insane you know what religion does it makes people fucking rich but then also it makes people crazy right so the guy from hobby

lobby is not not leaving his estate to his children dude he is not leaving his estate to his children. Dude, he is not leaving his estate to his children. He's just giving it away, dude. And if I was his kid, I'd be like, oh, come on, dad. Like at least Bill Gates is leaving like a small amount to his kids, which dude, those people are fucking crazy, dude. Man, if I stack hundreds of millions of dollars, if I got that Hobby Lobby money, guess who's getting all of that yaper, dude? Calvin. Guess who's getting all of that yaper when I croak? All of the people closest to me, dude. Nobody else is getting a red cent, even if I start believing.

Dude, I could start believing in all of the gods. Nobody getting a red scent but my bloodline, dude. Nobody's getting a red. Nobody's getting a crimson scent, dude. I swear to God. Well, what about nope?

What about the tithe? Nope. Nobody's getting a red scent unless they got that Dellia name after it and they're younger than me. Or if I die prematurely older than me. I swear to God. I'm going to leave one cent to all my enemies. Ooh, that's fucking cool, dude. I'm going to leave one cent to all my enemies. Ooh, that's fucking cool, dude. I'm going to leave one cent to all my enemies. I got to write my will.

I really do. It's been on the back of my mind. I got to leave it to, I got to, I don't want to die like Philip Seymour Hoffman. And he fucking, you know, his shit was a mess. His estate was a mess because he didn't have a will. Let's not get too dark, huh? But yeah, but Hobby Lobby guy. What's up, man?

People get so big and so fucking... Look at Kanye, dude. CAA dropped him. Because he's calling a war on a war for all the Jews or whatever. Dude. And then he's like, well, I'm Jewish. That doesn't work, huh? Well, I could say I don't like Jewss because i'm jewish doesn't work um hey kanye you didn't trick us hey kanye

we could see he's not jewish how many times in your life have you ever said oi um dude his piers morgan interview was absolutely, but also just kind of like sad. I watched 50 minutes of it. What the fuck am I doing with my life that I watched Piers Morgan and Kanye West talk for fucking 50 minutes while I was on a plane, but still dude, because we did, um, Raleigh and then, uh, what do you call it? Raleigh. And then, um, uh, I was in Savannah, Georgia. Oh, I should talk aboutannah in a little bit um but yeah dude my i'm just under like remember when charlie sheen was like talking about the tiger blood shit i was with him you know i'm tiger blood i have tiger blood i was with him but when kanye now

kanye is just above the part where i just i I can't anymore. I can't anymore. He's just talking about, like, the things I love what Kanye does is when he gets interrupted by Piers Morgan, he goes, la, la, la, la. Now, you interrupted me, right? And I'm just like, dude, you're speaking my language, man. That's basically just singing oops. Okay? So Kanye got that from me. All good.

Kanye stole from me. It's fine. Okay? And then when fucking Pierce Morgan says, you're a billionaire, Kanye West goes, multi, you're speaking my language, dude. Okay? You basically got it from me. All right? okay you basically got it from me all right so i'm just like okay i'm on board with that shit but then when you say you're jewish i have a problem with that ca will drop them oh man adidas is just going like adidas hasn't dropped them yet as of now of me recording this but adidas every time someone drops them Adidas is just going like... Adidas hasn't dropped them yet as of now of me recording this.

But Adidas, every time someone drops them, Adidas is just like... Fuck! We're about to be out fucking... A billion dollars and then Kanye... Hello? Millions. If you'd like to make a... Oh, wait. If you'd like to make a wait if you'd like to make a message c5 whatever dude we lose our minds um yeah dude adidas has just got to be fucking just like

let's just see you know we think what he's doing is wrong, but look, Adidas is for sure like, if we get Jews, if he's getting Jews, let's look at the sales, okay? If, you know, yes, people put out on the freeway, Kanye was right about the Jews, and yes, he's spreading hate, but we want to sell some 350s. but we want to sell some 350s. Look, we get it, but Yeezy season 12 is coming, and I'm not going to stop wearing them. You know, people are, like, throwing their Yeezys away and shit. I'm wearing them. And I love Jews.

I love Jews. Yeah, but I was on a plane watching that shit, and I was laughing out loud too. Like like it's sad because he's got mental problems I think that there should be a thing if you have mental problems anything you say shouldn't be used against you at all you know what I'm saying because your brain is broken

like if you're fucking if you've got no arm and it's harder to pick something up people aren't like come on motherfucker you're like oh the guy's got one arm okay well you know it takes as long as it's gonna take this is how kanye is it takes as long as he's gonna take figuring out that the jews aren't bad he's basically fucking got one arm in his mind wow a fucking uh uh what do you call it jack johnson song i've got one arm in my mind or no uh what's that fucking uh uh who's that fucking um god damn it i've seen fire and i've seen right what's that guy james taylor dude so white um name is james taylor um so uh went to uh dude the best i'm telling you i've okay so i went to raleigh i took calvin and kristen we went to raleigh and uh she's from raleigh and so we

stayed at her mother-in-law's house and and we love it okay her mother-in-law is fucking awesome one of my favorite people and uh and dude she decorates this is what kristen got it from and i'm like oh every time i go back i'm like oh when i see her house it's close to halloween i'm like oh dude she has like fucking shit that says like uh uh broom flying lessons appointments sign in and it's just like a tablet on the fucking and you're like dude what like you? Like you just bought this, you know? Hey, there's no, there's no fucking broom flying. What do we call it?

With witches. And then I look and there was like, it was like, I only, a pillow with like, I only play golf on days that end in Y. And it's like, dude, you know? And then in your head, you're like Monday, Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, all of the days. Oh yeah. All of the days, and just, like, there was one thing where, dude, and then I sat down in a chair, and I look at my shoes, just because, like, I put my head down, and right next to my

shoes are witch's shoes, and I'm like, what the fuck, dude, she put fucking witchy shoes on the end of her fucking chair legs? Dude, she had witch shoes on her fucking chair legs. My headphones went out for a second. And I'm just like, Jesus Christ, man. So I saw that, I laughed, and then I made a fucking witch appointment, a flying appointment, but like, insane, dude, and so now I'm like, okay, so that's what it is, like, but Kristen well surpassed the teacher, I mean, Kristen is like, Kristen goes like this, they're like, oh, when you want to fucking, when you want to decorate for Halloween, her mom's like,

when you want to decorate for Halloween, and Kristen goes like this, what's Halloween, let's hear those sleigh bells ringling just fucking tossing out garland she goes like we get ready for christmas bitch come on it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you and you're like not in august though it isn't shit ate before the podcast i'm lightheaded after i do stuff like that you go like what what do we have for thanksgiving you want to put up like one of those like uh things that look like uh we getting gourds we getting gourds and you're gonna put

out some fucking orange shit and of course it goes like this a silent night what's thanksgiving dude that's what she goes like here's my impression of christmas here's my crescent of kristin wow fuck that up royally never mind not doing it um uh yeah so i was in raleigh we were in raleigh and calvin was fucking cool as shit dude it's so funny he's starting to say say, like, just, like, all sorts of shit, like, I love you, daddy, and stuff, and I just love him so much, and it's cool, slept with him in the bed, and I always wondered, like, if babies, like, um, dream and shit, and they were both asleep, and Calvin was in between us, uh, and, uh, Kristen was asleep, and Calvin, I was like, what, I wonder what like a baby's first dream is. And then like, like babies don't talk in their sleep because they don't know words.

So I was like, I wonder what, like if they do that. And then sure enough, he, he, he fucking goes, he's sleeping and he just, and I'm watching him. Like I'm not even asleep yet. And he just goes like this. Sleepin'. I swear to God. It was so fucking funny. Like dreaming about what he's doing Sweepin'. I swear to God, it was so fucking funny. Like dreaming about

what he's doing. Sweepin'. Just completely dreaming. He's like a fucking white chick eating sushi that's always talking about fucking eating sushi other times.

Or like an older white dude smoking a cigar talking about how many cigars they fucking, what kind of cigars they like. Could you be more boring? But when you sleep,

it's good to be boring when you sleep because sleeping is boring that's why you're sleeping during it um so then we went to savannah georgia and it's like dude savannah georgia i really you know what the fucking best places are when the best cities are the cities where you're like oh yeah it's so white but then also you're like wait a second though it's actually so black do you know what i'm talking about like the most stereotypical of both of the races are in savannah georgia it's unreal dude like literally just dudes in those fucking salmon shorts. Those are the worst shorts. Those shorts are like, Hey, when you wear those shorts, you don't have to say my dad is a lawyer. We already know, you know, when you wear those shorts, you don't have to say,

don't have to say uh we go on boats we know right and so and then like the so the white dudes will be wearing that and with that with with like a fucking like um what are those what's that material that's like shot nah fuck i don't know and then a black dude will come by and be like, hey, where are you from? You're from a, what do you do? Like, you act on a TV, and you're just like, the most stereotypical white dudes and the most stereotypical black dudes make the best cities, dude. That shit was on and popping.

Hey, where you come on the tv you know hey what show you come out on and you're just like huh some black guy came out to be like he said hey what you come out on and i'm like huh he said you came out on what show and i'm like what damn where are you from it's another just stand and then i'm on the other side of me i got a fucking a white dude with a visor on and a and a and salmon shorts and like shoes with no socks on and i'm just like savannah's fucking it rips dude it's so dope and so dude and i was in savannah and that town is fucking amazing dude it's so nice it's so touristy and um yeah we had a good time in savannah and then we went out and on the uh on the streets and we were just like chilling and like uh we got a burger and we were in line and it was fucking

cool and then some guy was talking to me and spit in my mouth while he was talking to me by mistake. And it was really cool. He spit in my mouth and I go like, I'm just like sitting there talking to him. He's just talking. He's so drunk. And I go, oh, like he's, dude, he spit in my mouth and I just go, oh.

And he goes, sorry, man. And then his girlfriend came and got him and like pulled him away. And I was like, thank God you did that. Thank God you did that. But I took a flight from, so I left Kristenristin and calvin in raleigh to hang out with their family more and i had to do savannah and then i flew home and dude

when i flew home i fucking you know i play wordle right like i kill it at wordle i got like 96 on wordle i've only not gotten it one time and it's crazy but like not many people know that because i don't sign in and share it because i'm not about that fucking bragging life but i'm very good at wordle and so uh the guy next to me I look over and he's playing Wordle and I had already done Wordle and the word was mummy, but he had no idea, obviously, and he's trying to work it out. And the first word he checked was M something. So he had the M and then he got the MU and then he got the MU and then nothing and nothing and Y. And he had two guesses left, dude. And he tried Mugsy, which was wrong because it was mummy. And then he had two guesses left. Dude. And he tried Mugsy. Which was wrong. Because it was mummy.

And then he had two guesses left. And dude. The guy tried. To write the word. Mugsy. With two X's. Tried it twice. And it shook.

Because it's not a word. And tried it again. Like the thing was wrong. And I was like. If this guy doesn't get mummy dude and then he was like m-u-m-p-y and i'm just like dude and that was when i realized he fucking was sniffing. And dude, the guy next to me was sniffing so much during the flight. And thank God I only realized it two hours left in the flight because the flight was four hours and 30 minutes.

If I had noticed it before then, I would have snapped. Dude, there were two times where I was almost like, hey, man, your nose huh oh what's up dude just plug it up right oh but just plug it up though yeah yeah like it's bad enough you can't get mummy but you're gonna be sniffing every fuck dude i'm telling you it started three to six times a minute by the end of the flight it was i'm not joking 12 times a fucking minute dude when he every time he would just go it was a lightning and i'm like even the cbd can't cure that a lightning rod i think it was the mummy thing and then with that the lightning rod of anger dude i'll just blow it i'll just blow it and i fucking just blow it. And I fucking, let me see if I could find these texts

because bro, it was so fucking funny, man. It was so funny because I was like, I had to get, I had to vent because I didn't want, dude, you know why I'm good? I'm good because of this. i didn't want dude you know why i'm good i'm good because of this and i'm going to tell you why i'm good and you're going to listen i'm going to tell you why i'm good okay because um i i was telling i was so mad oh god i really gotta chill but i was so mad and, um,

ah, here we go. Here we go. That I was like, let me text the chain group chain about it. Cause you know, I get fucking wifi. Cause no, I get,

you know, I get wifi on the floor. It costs fucking 29 bucks, but fucking no diddlies. So, um, I, I,

so I texted my friends. This is, this is actually so, this will got so funny. I didn't realize how funny it was going to be, but fucking my, my anger was subsiding and i found a way to exercise it in a different way and i i and i just sparked a joy in myself so you can get through anything really if you put your mind to it but i wrote to the guys my god this guy next to me is sniffing three to six times a minute it's driving me mental and it doesn't even seem like he needs to that was the other thing too it wasn't

like he was going and it was juicy like okay i get it he's sick but he wasn't sick dude he was just sniffing and i know you're probably like well maybe he had a tick but he didn't dude he didn't and i'm not a doctor but i know it wasn't a tick because the guy was so regular and he just kept checking espn and watching a fucking movie with sean haddisey so i was like dude he doesn't have a tick i don't know what the movie was too i couldn't figure it out but i look at people's phones when i'm next to them i know you can probably tell that by now but um so i write so then i let it go and then i write now it's like 12 times a minute i'm dude i'm going crazy i'm afraid i'll snap at him i wrote him i wrote the text chain that because i didn't want to snap

at him right and then somebody said hand him a little tissue. And I said, yeah, like fucking blow it. And I said, I know it was about two hours ago. I said, not sure if it was the whole flight, but it had to have gotten worse. And then I wrote, oh my. And then I wrote, I'm going to text one every time he does it. So, you know, okay. And I write one, one, my buddy writes, I'm dying. I write one. My buddy writes, haha, nice Jesus. I write one, one. He says, it's too long a flight to not ask him. I write one, one. He says, is this first class? I say, yeah, even though he shouldn't ask that because he knows. Then I wrote one. He said, yeah, you got to say something. And then, and then fucking my friend, my Irish friend is like,

oh, you're still flying this late? I said, Mark. Yeah. You know, this isn't about that. Like stick with the program. Also like what, what am I, what are you, I'm saying one, I'm next to the guy. Like, what does he think? So again, I write one cause he sniffed again and he says, we're, and then I just said, we're landing one, one. And he says, just slap him as you land. And I write, and I write one and he says, you should as you land and i write and i write one and he says you should make a noise every time he does it now that is a great gangster move dude if he just and i go oh oh oh oh like that's gangster but it was too late and we were landing um one and i could you imagine sitting next to this one he says earphone my friend says

earphones maybe i said i have them dude he was breaking through this here's the other thing too i lost my i lost my i bring two airpods airpods are fucking bull hey fall out of my pocket more make them rounder you know first of all make them so they don't fall out of your pockets they want you to they want you to see i told you i've been ahead of i've been in conspiracy before this is apple the apple products this is they want you to fall they want to fall out of your pockets because so that's why they make them all sleek and shit and round so you get to buy new ones and guess what i do to beat apple at their own game when my my fucking head, when my AirPods fall out of my pocket, I don't even try to look for them. I lost them. I try a little bit. I go, where is it? I duck in the airplane. I go under the seat of the airplane. Guess what, dude? They're gone.

They're gone. I don't let Apple get the best of me. They don't make me that angry. Plus I'm using all my anger for the sniffer, right? So I just go into my backpack. I take out other AirPods. And you know what that is? Game tax when you lose your Apple products. That's game tax. When the fucking AirPods fall out, game tax, dude. And of course, I wear the fucking side pockets so it's easier to fall out.

But that's fashion, dude. I don't want the pockets like the jean pockets. Are you guys with me on this? You know what I mean? If you're listening, let me know in the comments. But anyway, so I took out my other ones and I didn't have the noise canceling on these. So I'm like, I have the earphones and I still heard the shit. So I write one.

Okay, fuck man. One. I'm going nuts. Gotta land. Then I'm like, then they say, uh, record him. And I'm like,

what a great fucking idea. So I'm like, I'm going to record this dude. And all I have to do is put my head near his head. Cause I got the AirPods in, right? I don't have to put the phone over near his head. I have to put, cause I was like, oh, that's going to be obvious.

But then I'm like, I just lean over. And he was watching this fucking Sean Addissey movie. And I'm just leaning over with my earphones. And I'm hitting the record button. And he's doing it so much that I get him. So here is him sniffing. Here's him sniffing Okay you heard it So you heard it dude

Now that's not that loud But it's too loud Period if you could hear it on my airpods Okay So he The extra time in the beginning, you know? Here. There it is, dude.

All right. Now that's too loud, okay? So I write, you can hear at the end, I'm dying. That's him, not me. So then I said, insane. Whoa, he just did a big one want to hear another and they say yeah and another guy says a hundred percent i go there you go that's me saying you're looking all right cool so i wanted him to hear me say that a little bit

my buddy says oh, this is hilarious. This is a loud one. I got him again. This is so fun. Look, the flight attendants. It's a long buildup, but it's good. The payoff is excellent. Here we go. Here we go.

It's coming up. Unbelievable, dude. That is so loud. I got one in the beginning. I got two on this one. This is the shit I do, man. I'm 42. There's a little one in the beginning it's really way in the beginning and then there's one at the end here there oh you heard that dude it's like water

torture you heard it right um i i said wow i'm fuming thank god this is fun now okay and then i did something that was that they don't know and they don't listen to this podcast, so they're not going to know, but dude, I did something so I could have so much fun. And I did a sniff. And I did it really loud and I said, oh my God, he looked at me after this one and it was so big.

Okay, that's me but the other ones were his and i said let me get real close i hope he doesn't catch me and they said oh he looked at me bro they thought it was him right here look how loud dude think about me just in my thing, in my, like, seat, like, doing this, you know? Like, just a 42-year-old dude. Like, also, like, people on the flight, some of the people knew who I was. Like, Chris, I'm just, like, Chris D'Elia is just sitting there recording himself. And I go, and, like, laughing afterwards. Wow, dude, I love doing shit.

I love being a fucking dumb idiot dude life rips i love it dude i love it man they still think it's him don't tell them don't tell those guys um god i love it so yeah so that's what's up that's what was the flight wow we talk about the fucking hard-hitting issues here at this podcast. Let's go do this here. Deserve its skills. Are these new ones? Walking on wet rocks.

Here we go. Walking on wet. Always a bad idea. What could go wrong? Cool. Internet's fucking caught. Great. Not working. Yes, dude. Oh, this is amazing. Fucking God damn it.

I hate when this... It's okay, dude. I'm good. I'm good. We're good. We're hanging out. Having a good time. I don't want people to think that I'm really not a curmudgeon. I'm a nice person if you come up to me.

I really am. Don't come up to me, though. Here we go. Oh, no. Don't do it the girl knew women's tuition woman's intuition tuition women's intuition wow i mean just zero react reaction from the wife just reacted all before and then just don't walk on wet on wet cement man joe no don't do it oh dude tailbone out of commission oh man that hurt dude oh it just got me we need to get that on the fucking soundboard

um yeah that guy hurt that sucks i've done that before but not on wet rocks my god dude that deserved scale is a seven. Russian Rambo attempting to break bottle with his head. Oh, well, how is this anything but a 10? Wow. So drunk. Get out. Get the fuck out.

That's not real. Get the fuck out. He knocked himself out like that. Hold on a second. Let's watch this again. I mean, like it's like a Daffy Duck cartoon. The biggest idiot in the world, dude. Wow, this is like fucking... He went down like Tua.

No, that looks... It's got to be fake. It's got to be fake, right? Because you wouldn't be able to break that over your head. I guess you could. Also, he would fall forward, right? Maybe not. He's here.

Wears shorts of all time. Those are the kind of shorts you, like... I don't know, man. This guy's in a... That's crazy either way. If he faked that, it doesn't even... It doesn't matter, dude.

The way he fell was so painful, you know? Okay, trying to cruise through a flood. Oh, I love it. The car's going to get stuck, right? That deserve its skills. Is it an eight? I mean, he wanted to do it? Look, this guy thinks he's got the all new Nissan.

What is it? A Nissan what? Oh, wow that that thing ran right through the new isuzu oh okay that went through oh oh dude dude when these hit you uh uh when these when you think you're you know what's gonna happen and else happens. I think I went through with a motorcycle. It's a twisted metal, dude. Oh my God, dude. I love how they showed two cars. Dude, that's what these need to be.

You need to, you know what? The Deservant scales, this is what we figured out, dude. You need to see the fucking control first. You need to see what happens successfully first. And then the, I mean, dude, just the all new Nissan fucking four-door SUV. Get through beautiful water and it's all good.

Nissan. The all-new Isuzu Trooper. Getting through water just like the Nissan. The all-new Isuzu Trooper. We go everywhere. The all-new Suzuki. Oh, my God. He fucking died.

Shit came out of his anus a little bit. Wow, dude. Where's the motorcycle commercial? The Suzuki. All right, here we go. I got to log in for that one. What is it, show tits? I don't have a Reddit.

Fuck it. We'll go to the next one. I't see it it's so good all right here we go trying to jump over a series of chairs oh this is always great white only something white dudes do by the way nobody would do this but white dudes oh so white the first the first fucking... Listen, the first... So white, dude. No, dude. That's the whitest shit of all time, dude. No. Oh, dude.

I love that, man. Fucking nine beers in, you know? All right. Right. Ten. Nine. I love that man The fucking nine beers in You know Alright This is the best shot I've ever seen in my life By the way This shot is so Fellini see this

And he go like Oh Why did I not think of that Why did I not think of that shot This is the most beautiful shot I've ever seen in my life. Just the guy's head like this. Wow, that's amazing. Here we go.

Dude, the way he fell! Wow, they have so much Tabasco sauce so that's wine. Dude, the way he fell! Dude! Of course there's a foosball. Dude, this is, the whole thing is actually the whitest thing of all time. It's unbelievable what they're wearing. They got foosball. Dude, this is, the whole thing is actually the whitest thing of all time. It's unbelievable what they're wearing. They got foosball. They thought this was a good idea.

They've got so many wines and fucking chargers on the table. Wow. No. And a ping pong table, dude. This is the whitest thing I've ever seen in my life.

The deserved scale is off the, 10. It's a 10. The chandelier, wow. This is the best thing I've ever seen in my life. The Deserve a Scale is off the... 10. It's a 10. The chandelier. Wow. This is the best shot I've ever seen in my life. Didn't even get one chair. How did he slide across the chairs, dude? Also, what was the goal? The chairs went all the way to the foosball table.

Dude, this is a 10. This is unbelievable. We got to watch it again. Right. Right. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Oh, why did he slide so much, dude? What was

the goal? I got to know these guys. What was the goal? Let's look at the comments. Even if he would have jumped over all those chairs, he gave himself absolutely no space to look. Yeah, exactly. Dude, that's... Hold on. Even if he made it, he would have smashed into the foosball table. What a dunce. Dude, that's so smashed into the foosball table, what a dunce,

dude, that's so great, wow, somebody just said, honestly, by screwing it up and sliding into the table, he might have accidentally saved himself, I'm kidding, dude, that's so funny, wow, I wish I thought of that, oh my god, that's amazing, that's a 10, wow, it's rare we get a 10, but that's so great, everything was so white, the wines, the chargers on the table, the foosball, the ping pong table, the fucking way they were dressed. The nah in the beginning. And when the guy went, what? And then the fact that they thought that they could do it. The whitest thing of all time, dude.

The whitest thing of all time. Unbelievable. The chandelier. From the chandelier to the fucking idea that they could do it. The whitest thing of all time. Wow. Wow, unbelievable. I'm so lightheaded after that. Dude, I should not do this podcast when I haven't eaten. I ordered food while I was, I ordered food during the break while I was going to the bathroom because I'm disrespectful like that, but really I'm respectful. Oh, I love you guys, man. Thank you so much. All right, here, let's go to some fucking Tinder things, man. Wow, that was amazing. to some fucking Tinder things, man. Wow, that was amazing. Here we go.

Hi. If you do hi with more than one eyes, you know it's on and popping. Somebody says, are you a bank loan because you have my interest? Wow. Person says, I like that one.

Then the guy says, I'm going to be up front. You have nice boobs. You know? Pushed it a little too hard there. Boobs also. Don't say boobs. Honestly, it could have worked way better if he said,

yo, can I be frank? Them titties are banging. Nice boobs. One time a girl told me that she guy was having sex with a guy, and the guy goes like this while they're having sex. Oh, awesome. Dude, and I think about that all the time. That is so funny.

Dude, imagine having sex with her. He was having sex with her, and he just goes, oh, awesome. While he's on top of her too. So good. So good. Here's another one. Maybe being single isn't so bad, it says. What are you up to?

Your pictures are gorgeous, the guy says. And she says, ha ha, thank you. I'm just working. How about yourself? And then, oh my God, dude. The guy says, fuck you, stupid bitch. Oh, dude. So many problems.

I mean, what a dick. Wait, okay. Oh, amazing that it was Monday at 1, at 2 a.m. He says, hey, what are you up to? Your pictures are gorgeous. Then a day, I guess that day at 3 p.m. She says, hi, thank you. Just working.

And then at 6.13 a.m. He says, hi, thank you. Just working. And then at, at 6 13 a.m. He says, fuck you, stupid bitch. You know, just woke up so mad. I know I'm wrong side of the bed.

Who the fuck thinks, fuck you, stupid bitch. When you wake up. Sorry, I didn't have my coffee yet. I mean, what did he want her to say?

Here we go. Are your parents bakers because they made a cutie pie? And then she says, your dog, that's what he said. And then your dog said, she says, your dog is cute. Unlike the owner. Oh, wow. He says, okay. Wow, people are so rude.

They're so rude. Oh, dude, there was a guy who got on my fucking flight. And he was so drunk. There was a guy on my flight. And I actually have never seen this before. He was so drunk that they didn't let him on the flight. Oh, he was a mess. Oh, I felt bad for the guy, too.

Dude, he was so drunk that he was trying to get on the flight. And he was like wobbling a little bit. And they're like, here, stand over here. Sir, stand over here. Sir, stand over here. And he was trying to get on a flight and he was like wobbling a little bit and they're like here stand over here sir stand over here sir stand over here and he was like what and he walked over to the fucking place where she said stand over here and then they let us pass because there were like nine people in front of us

and finally we went we got past the guy and she said sir what's your he was so drunk dude she said sir what's your um what's your what's your final destination and he literally said, where do you want me to go? I'll go.

Where do you want me to go? Where am I supposed to, you tell me where I'm supposed to be, he said. And I was like, oh, and then she says, okay, sir, we can't let you get on the plane in this state.

Like, and I thought it would have been so good if he said him in north carolina what state do i have to go to dude he was so drunk and he he was so drunk that he didn't even give a fuck he just kind of like walked away he was so pink faced dude he was a white guy and he was so pink face and he had shorts on and a long sleeve shirt dude that's the drunkest outfit of all time shorts on a long-sleeve shirt and the fucking uh see-through like fucking not crocs but like the leather ones wow and he was like 55 so sad alone um here's somebody here's another deserved sale small p what it says wow looking It says, well, looking for a relationship or besties, single mom, I like bad boys, small peen, swipe left. I want to write on your motorcycle.

Oh, she's definitely good looking. Small peen, swipe left. You know, they say like big dick dudes have a lot of really confident energy because it all comes from the dick. But like, dude, you know how confident you gotta be if you've got a small dick, I feel like guys who have a small dick,

like you could probably have the most best confidence because of how small your dick is because you have to have fucking killer confidence. Like my shit's fucking so long. Of course I have fucking, you know, confidence. But like, if you have a really small one, like so small that it doesn't even go down, it just like perks up. Like it's just looking at you.

Like you gotta be like, you know what? Fuck it, I'm the shit. Like they, like, like, like, you know, like chicks can't even give you like stroke jobs. They gotta like, this is how they jerk you off like this. Like it's a, like, chicks can't even give you, like, stroke jobs. They got to, like, this is how they jerk you off like this. Like it's a bean. Like it's a clit. Okay.

Obviously, we're going to get age-restricted here. Dude, you ever have a buddy that's fucking, that his penis is so small that, like, his girlfriend jerks him off like this? This is how you give him a head like this. Wow. We love it, dude. Congratulations. This is the best podcast around. Why are we at 596 subscribers?

It's absolute bullshit. It is what it is though, man. You know what's actually so cool about this podcast god i love you guys man we're we're a group you know what i mean and then when you come to my shows and i see you with the fucking tattoos and the merch and all that shit and when i see you just there man like we did 2 300 people in raleigh and we did uh i think i sold 1900 tickets in Savannah. But like, dude, you guys are just, I fucking love you, man. I fucking love you, man. And I get to see my son.

You know, life rips, man. I get to see my son soon. He lands. I actually probably landed. And I have to eat my food quick before they get here because I didn't order them anything and I feel bad. Get rid of all the evidence, dude. You ever do shit like that?

Like, you're just like, I don't want to be selfish. I'm like, if I could just do it quickly, I could be selfish. I ordered food and I didn't, I got a sandwich that I think maybe she'll like, but I don't know if she will. And I'm kind of insecure about it.

So I'm just going to order the food. I ordered the food. I'm going to eat it real quick, hide all the remnants, and then later on, I'm going to sneakily be like, would you want a chicken sandwich? There's one in the fridge. Dude, my mind is so fucking warped,

but it's all good, my babies. Well, I'm legitimately talking about nothing, but here's the deal, dude. You guys, you ride with me, man, and that was what was going to be my point. Like, I'm so fortunate in life, and I love my life, and I love my family.

And I just, my fucking friends that rock with me and the fucking fans, man, this is a cult and we're going to just ride it out. And we're not going to, it's not one of those end of the world cults. It's not even really a cult. We just chill and hang out and share ideas. And one day we're going to build this log cabin and it's going to be absolutely beautiful, man. Um, but I love you guys, man, and thanks for listening.

I'll be in Denver. I'll be in Phoenix. I'll be in Seattle. I'll be in Lakeland, Florida. I'll be in all sorts of places and Portland and New York. We just added another show. It's insane. Thank you very much, New York and Chicago.

So get your tickets at chrysalia.com. Get your Life Rips merch or come to a show and get your fucking exclusive merch and wear the merch to other comedians see this is the thing dude this is how we infiltrate the ideas and infiltrate society wear the merch to other comedian shows this is the fucking thing man represent that life represent that life rips lifestyle man that's it for the youtube episode if you want to catch the raw uncut unedited version of the uh Patreon then go on over to our Patreon episode and sign up for our Patreon uh patreon.com and you can get all of the extended episodes uh and you can also get all of the episodes that are only on Patreon and so far we have like 17 or 18. So go get it.

Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. You get that right now. And for only six bucks. I appreciate you guys. And thanks very much for listening. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back.