Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 282. Royal OTPHJ In The Metaverse

Episode Date: November 3, 2022

🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia 👉 Head to DietSmoke.com and use code "CONGRATS" for 20% off your ENTIRE order This week Chris went to a wedding and had to lift people on chairs. He also shares his thoughts on Kanye's comedic acting, gettin' pushed, and sittin' royal in the metaverse. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk. We started out and my dogs are barking And you know how that goes man Those incels can sure yap And you know They're going to be yapping You might hear them in the background And it's all good We are doing this podcast

We usually do podcasts in the evening We do them at like 5pm That's a little BTS A little behind the scenes A little podcast magic. You know what it is we're doing? We're showing you the sauce right now. We're saying yeah, okay.

Sometimes we shoot them and record them at 5pm and now you know that that's when your boy is off the hinges, right? But right now I will say this is Halloween. Technically Halloween. And right now today, I know you're not listening to it on Halloween because we have to do the editing and all that shit a little bit behind

the scenes a little bit of sauce exposing exposing the sauce but um right now it's noon dude dude wow fucked it up so hard it's noon dude it is noon right now so this is the midday podcast we're coming to you live from the midday podcast and it is the midday it is the noon it is the Midday Podcast. We're coming to you live from the Midday Podcast, and it is the midday, it is the noon, it is the technically afternoon podcast, but you might be listening to it not at noon, but we're coming to you live from noon. We cut things out except for the Patreon episode. If you want to sign up for Patreon, it's patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. But if not, you get it cut up a little bit, but we're still rugged and raw. Anyway, we're coming to you live here. It's chrisd'elia.com.

We're giving a lot of dates here. We just came from the road. We just got into the road. We just came from the road, and we are going back on the road. We are performing in Denver. Have you been there? We are, we'll be in Denver by we, I mean me, we are, uh, Denver, Denver, Denver, grizzly.com. Uh, we got Denver tomorrow. We got, uh, Cheyenne, Wyoming on Sunday. I say tomorrow. I don't know what you're, when you're listening to this boys, he's, he's, he's assuming, and that's not good, but it's, um, Denver is November 5 tomorrow. I don't know when you're listening to this. Boy, he's assuming, and that's not good. But Denver is November 5th.

I don't know if it's today you're listening to the podcast or whatever. Cheyenne, Wyoming on November 6th. I've got a bunch of club dates here, too, just to keep fresh here. Boston, first show sold out. The Wang Theater, 3,500 tickets. Second show on sale now. And it's getting close there. So November 12th, I'll be at the Boston Massachusetts Wang Theater. Albany sold out. And I just picked up Brea, California for New Year's Eve. Come on and celebrate your New Year's

Eve shit with your boy, ChrisAlea.com, Brea, California. We'll be there. I think we got four shows there. And then I'll be in San Diego on January 7th. And Portland, Oregon, January 20th. And Seattle, Washington, January 21st. That's almost gone. Sugarland, Texas.

That's near Houston. So go get your tickets there. Anyway, New York, February 18th And Chicago, February 25th You guys Just go to chrisley.com We've got a bunch of things We're announcing Austin soon We're announcing Ohio Day soon

If you're on the lookout, chrisley.com You get the good tickets I post it on Instagram Follow me on Instagram chrisley.com, you get the good tickets. I post it on Instagram. Follow me on Instagram, chrisley.com, chrisley Instagram. But yeah, dude, we're chilling, my babies. And it's good. We can go to chrisley.com, get your merch. We got the, you know, it's fall now.

We got the Brown Life Rips hoodies, and we got the other hoodies, the cult hoodies. They're real nice, dude. Your boy wears them. But let me just tell you this, man. We're talking about being on the road um let me just say tempe i was in tempe okay i did four shows sold them out and and i just did uh phoenix a few months ago and sold that out tempe straight up i love you phoenix i love you scottsdale you're all basically the same place i don't know i know that like there's like you're all like the cities are too poppin they're too on and poppin to be so close to each other they're

like 15 minutes away and they're so on and popping. And it's like, just make one big conglomeration. The conglomeration I call Death Row. Dude. The conglomeration I call Tempe Phoenix. The conglomeration I call Scottsdale. I ain't got no motherfucking friends. That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker. The conglomeration I call Scott's deal. I ain't got no motherfucking friends. That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker.

The conglomeration I call Arizona. But, um, so, uh, yeah, man. It's so, and you know what? It doesn't matter where you are when you're there. If you're in Scottsdale, Tempe, or Phoenix, I will tell you right now, it doesn't matter where you are. Because no matter where you are, if you're there, it is the number one capital in the world where dudes wear backwards hats in the pool it's unbelievable dude is it summer yes are you a dude yes are you in phoenix scottsdale or tempe yes is are you going to take a dip in the pool? Yes. This is how people take dips

in the pool when they're fucking 18 to 45 in Scottsdale, Arizona at the W Hotel. This is how they get ready to go to the pool. Get the hats. That's what they do. They go like that. They go, shirts off, get the hats.

So it's unbelievable, dude. If you wear a backwards hat in the pool, you are mighty. That's all I got to say. You are just so mighty. But Tempe, Arizona came out. We love Tempe, Arizona. God, that club is awesome. Shout out to Tempe, Arizona and all the people that work over there.

Love you. The staff was awesome, and the fans were awesome. And we had a good time, dude. Brent Morin came with me and did the shows. It was like a, what do you call it? It was like a reunion, man. He used to open for me 10 years ago. And the dude's great, man. It was really cool. It was super fun. We went there and here's what I did. I went to Adam Ray's wedding. Now, you might know Adam Ray because first of all, he's in a lot of things as an actor. Second of all, he's got a fan base as a comedian. And third of all, he was also in the tour

report vlog that I did for... I don't remember where he came. Oh, Peoria and Rockford. And Adam Ray is one of my best friends. He's a great guy. He got married in Phoenix Saturday, last Saturday.

Congratulations to him and Amanda. Lovely couple. Awesome, awesome time. But what I did was, because I'm smart, dude, what I did because I'm smart was, okay, now is Adam a comedian? Yes, does he have a lot of comedians that are going to be at the wedding?

Probably, okay, because he's a comedian and we're involved in that world. So what did I do as soon as I got the ticket? What do you call it? The invitation. Did I book a room? No.

I booked shows the two days before it because I wanted to be the comedian that got the dates. Yes! Is he selfish or is he just forward thinking? Is he self-centered or is he just thinking about, you know, the plan here?

And then what did he do? He waited too long to get the hotel room and it was booked and he had to stay somewhere else. Yes, dude. Comedy first for my babies. But also brought the fam, brought Calvin, brought Kristen. Kristen's aunt lives there. Aunt Lynn and Uncle Carl. And Uncle Carl laughs like this.

And it's absolutely unbelievable. It was a beautiful time with friends and family. It was a beautiful time at the Tempe Improv. It was a beautiful time. And, you know, I tell you this, man. Brent was there. David Sullivan came there, too. You know him from the tour report in Savannah. And also just from, you know, having Andrew Jackson here, and being in, you know,

being in small town Wisconsin, I always joke around about him, like, I can't believe fucking 900 people saw small town Wisconsin, but it's actually a fucking great movie, and it's a, and it's a killer, it's a killer thing there, it's a good movie, and it's doing well, and it's making the rounds on the freaking, what do you call it the uh the uh the the what do you call them the fucking festival circuits we forget the words festival we forget the word festival dude and i'll tell you why i don't know why but i need to take ginkgo biloba but i will tell you i don't take the fucking gabapentin anymore uh because of the word recall and i still can't remember words like festival, and that's fucking amazing. But, yeah.

So, we went to Tempe, checked in a hotel, stayed in a hotel, it was a great time, and then we went to, and we did the shows, and then we did, we went to Adam Ray's wedding,

me and Kristen, and all the other people there that were there. It was just a beautiful time, man. Let me just tell you about how great. And I don't know if this is because I took. Look, I don't take Vyvanse. That's not my thing. I don't take Vyvanse.

But I happened to take a Vyvanse the day that Adam Ray got married because I wanted to make sure to be there and be present. And you know when your boy takes Vyvanse, it like, he might as well be the captain of a fucking boat. I mean, he's just in charge and he's telling people what to do in a nice way though. Right. Not in a like, Hey, you do this way. And I'm like, Hey, why don't we do this? And it will make the time that much better. And then people go like, that's okay.

You know, and there's some outliers that are like, I don't know, but you know, as time evolves and we keep going, then we realize that, well, the captain was right. And it's mostly because of the vivance now um i was at the wedding and it was a great time just beautiful time first jewish uh wedding i went to sorry kanye but uh i did go and it was beautiful and they crushed the glass and uh adam hit it first time immediately and when i went to eric griffin's glass uh wedding he didn't get he he fucked it up he didn't get the glass crushing the first time and i think it's i think it's like a hidden thing that jews kind of secretly know how to do it because adam's jewish and eric is not jewish so uh and by the way adam had a completely jewish wedding like with a rabbi

and he was funny all rabbis are funny as shit know, because they secretly want to be stand-up comedians. And he was talking in Hebrew like a lot of the time. And for fuck, fuck if I know if he was just bullshitting, you know what I mean? Hebrew is one of those languages that I think I could probably speak if I just felt it. You know what I mean? Like Japanese, I know I can't do. I'd have to learn Spanish.

It's too close to English. I can't learn. But Hebrew, they're just like, ha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la sometimes. Ha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-, they're just like, ha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la sometimes. Ha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la- lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie and um so you can hook into hebrew but um yeah so adam hit that glass and it just crushed it it was beautiful and amanda looked beautiful and adam looked great adam never looked better adam had his hair nice dude we didn't know what kind of hair adam was gonna do he did the nice hair dude and uh he looked great man i'm just so proud of these mother covid really fucking weeded out who was bout it, bout it, and who wasn't bout it, bout it.

Right? Like, COVID really weed. Like, when you were in COVID, you lived with somebody. You really found out if they were bout it, bout it. Right? You were with somebody. You were with them all of a sudden every day, and you found out if they were about it, about it. If they weren't about it, about it, or by the way,

maybe you're not about it, about it. And it's okay, but you split up. But congrats to all the people that made it through COVID and found out that your loved one or your spouse or your girlfriend or boyfriend or partner, whatever it is, was bout it, bout it, dude. And let me tell you something, man. I'm glad that they're about it, bout it, because that wedding was a great time. And I don't know if this is Vivan speaking, but so I was at the Jewish wedding and there was like a, you know, a nine-year-old that challenged me to a dance-off.

And I realized after he challenged me to a dance-off, I left and, you know, I think I kind of won the dance-off. He did one move over and over again and had the L on his forehead saying I was a loser. But I feel like I kind of won it because I was doing a little bit more. My moves were more, you know, they were versatile. My moves were more, I was picking from my bag of moves. And he kind of just had like this one Fortnite dance that he did. Fine, whatever.

He thinks he won. But then I realized that he was dance battling everybody. And I was like the fifth guy that he dance battled. And he was calling me John Wick because, you know, I look fucking crazy good in this suit. And I got the black tie. And I don't even know why an eight-year-old knows who the fuck John Wick is anyway. Because that movie is so violent. Right?

Like maybe call me Men in Black. Hey, kid, you're eight. Right? It's like he's just like, you know, hey, look at the character from sling blade it's like well that's entirely too grown up for you to watch that movie hey you look like the woman you you look like the the fucking the the husband and woman under the influence are you talking about a john casavetes movie from the 1970s and doing a fortnight dance so um anyway i fucking i honestly iced that kid with my moves but i'd let him have it because he's a kid he didn't get tired at all dude he was doing like all sorts of fucking

like i mean his wind is great when you're eight your wind is crazy good dude um so like between counting all of the shit together i won the dance you know my wind isn't as good as an eight-year-old wind his wind was awesome and he only did one, and I was picking from the bag of tricks. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. Forgot about the fucking Hava Nagila. Forgot about the Hava Nagila, dude. Dude, how funny is it when David Alan Greer does it in In Living Color, and he's like, Hava nutty, have a tortilla.

Dude, I laughed so hard. Forget it. I laughed so hard. The black Jewish dude's doing the have a nutty, have a tortilla, dude. David Allen Greer, one of the funniest men alive. But yeah, so all of a sudden, they go like this. Hey, time to lift up the couple in chairs. And I go, I'm like Homer in the fucking dipping back into the.

Just, hey, time to lift up the Jewish couple in the church. Me. Right. I'm a Homer getting back into the plants, like into the brush. Because, dude, hey, dude, I'm not, I'm not dropping anybody. And guess how I'm not dropping anybody? By not picking them up. I pick them up, huge percentage.

Even if there's a little chance I might drop them, it's a bigger chance than if I'm not picking up anybody. So they go, D'Elia, get over here. You know why they did it, right? You know why they did it. Let's not fucking, you know why they did it. I'm broad. I got a tall drink of water i'm real broad i could i could lift i could lift motherfuckers up right but what did i do though they go there's

adam and there's amanda but what did i do though but i go well let me just i'll go to amanda because she's mini right adam is a man and i go let's have a chance to drop in the the you know is a man. And I go, let's have a chance to drop in the, the, you know, the, the,

the petite lady than there is dropping, you know, Adam. And he had like, I mean, Adam's a fucking man, right? He played Wolverine in,

uh, in universal studios when he was younger. And, uh, so I'm doing it with like, there's like, you know, a bunch of people with,

uh, do, you know, doing the chair and we lift up a man. And I realized I'm the one that's holding the back of the with uh you know doing the chair and we lift up a man and i realize i'm the one that's holding the back of the uh chair only me okay i'm holding one of the bottoms of the chairs and then the the and i look and nobody's got their hand on the back of the chair so i'm crucial to this mission right we got fucking like straight up Jaleel White and Joey McIntyre

and me, and I'm not, that's no joke. They were really them holding the chairs. And then me like this with the back and I'm the only one. And like, I know Joe McIntyre is good with the group because he's from New Kids on the Block, but he's not doing teamwork. Right. But I'm like, and I think I'm like, you're far from your fucking new kids on the block days, dude. Come on. And I'm sitting there holding the back of the chair. And I'm like, if I, if my shoulder gives out, we are done wedding over, dude. But guess what though, dude, I connect with my breathing, right?

And I go, Hey, I don't think i'm not gonna drop her i know i'm not gonna drop her we eventually put her down and you know it was we were doing it for a while and i go guys yeah we should probably and then we get down and then we put her down and then i go fuck yeah dude and i walk away dude again hom Homer in the fucking back of the bushes, right? Motherfucker, I didn't know that you got to lift more people up. Like we did the couple and then all of a sudden, tap, tap, I look over at Joy McIntyre and I go, oh, God, dude. I go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, God. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. The wrong stuff.

I'm not doing this, dude. And Joey goes, bro, you're a big guy. We got it. We got it. There's more. And I go, oh, okay. more and i go oh okay dude guess who i gotta pick up now i'm the fucking father of the bro dude he looks like he played for the fucking fucking husky what's that corn husky what's the fucking dude the guy looked like he played for the fucking Fucking Husky What's that, Cornhusker?

The guy looked like he played for the fucking Nebraska What is it? Cornhuskers He looked like he's a fucking tight end for the fucking I mean, the guy's a man, dude He's just a, and I'm like, Jesus And in my head, he's taller than me I don't think he is because I'm a tall drink of water

But I'm like, we gotta pick him up? And then as I'm walking up to the thing with Joe McIntyre, right? I'm like, okay, Chris, remember the shoulder thing, how sore it was holding the back and she's petite. So this time do it with your left hand. Okay. So I'm thinking about this as I'm going up to the fucking thing. And I'm like, you know, I'm secretly, I'm like, all right, look, I am a big guy.

Joe McIntyre said it, okay, I'm done a play. It's cool that he knows I'm a big guy, right? So I got to do it. Hey, dude, this is my fucking thing. It's like, I'm a big guy. I got to do it. I'm one of the taller dudes here. I mean, most of the guys were Jewish.

So I get to the fucking, I get to the thing, and I go, remember, use your left hand. And what do I do, dude? I take my right hand and pull it up and the fucking dad's up and I'm using my right hand, dude. Hey, buddy, catch up. Hey, buddy, do what the brain is. Dude, I swear to God, it was like when I go to the Dodger games and I'm like, well, I'm not going to eat a Dodger dog. And I walk in and go directly to the Dodger dogs, dude. Well, I got to eat healthy.

I don't want to, oh, it's like, I didn't like, why am I wasting my brain and body's time? And so I picked the thing up and now I look and I'm with Joe McIntyre and some other fucking, you know, guys that you'd recognize. Cause this is fucking Adam knows everybody and I'm holding the fucking thing and I go oh and I look and I'm the only one holding the back again the dad's like two bucks up there

and I'm doing and I'm oh god and I fucking I'm like well I'll be sore tomorrow and dude it's three days later. Oh, shit, man. Anyway, dude, it was really a fucking great wedding, despite all that mess with my shoulder. And then we had some fun times.

You know, there were a lot of cool people there. You know, Eric Griffin was there. Jonathan Kite. And, you know, there were a lot of cool people there, you know, Eric Griffin was there, Jonathan Kite, uh, and, uh, you know, Jeremiah Watkins was there, um, and all the girlfriends, which was very sweet, Adam Devine was there, super fun, hadn't seen him in a long time, almost threw up in my mouth, um, but yeah, man, it was great, that whole wedding was just fucking, that whole wedding was just fucking, um, yeah, and then we went back to the room, dude, and it was, and Kristen was already asleep, she went to sleep with, uh, he said, uh, that, that we were going to, uh, the, uh, what was I saying, fuck it, what was I goddamn saying? I just got a text from Eric Griffin, goddamn it.

That's so weird, I was just talking about it. Yeah, no, I was saying about how we went back to the room and Kristen was already in, she was at her aunt's house sleeping already because we had to relieve the babysitter. Oh, Calvin had his first thing with the babysitter that he didn't know

and it was fucking, it went gangbusters. It was awesome. Her name was Rosa and she was so sweet. And we didn't even know her yet but we knew her through the family through another family and it was just so awesome calvin was just chilling and he and he went to bed and he woke up and and and she was there and it was great for nap time anyway that you guys don't give a fuck about that or maybe you do i don't know that's my little family fucking sauce there but um this is the greatest video i've seen of all time this is so funny and sad at the same time but goddamn this is how is this a real way to say this he really did this

the thing about the red hat that drove me to a point of exhaustion which was misdiagnosed by a i'm not gonna say what race what people uh doctor and what hospital and what media went to we know i can't say that it was a jewish doctor couldn't help himself digging so deep guys in China dude can't like how did he do it honestly take away the fact that it's anti-semitic I get it he shouldn't be doing this the guy's unhinged he's got mental problems you know it's sadder than it is evil it's not evil I don't believe he's a bad guy but I feel like he's got to stop no one's stopping him we got to stop giving him outlets stop recording them dude let's i don't know it's like it's just it's not a good idea the guy's unhinged and he's mentally unstable but my main quest take away all that how did he do it so funny he did like if this was in a movie i'd go oh guy should be best actor along with javier Bardem in Lila Crocodile and Austin Butler in the Elvis movie, dude.

The guy did it, the timing of it. If you got it down to the millisecond, the millisecond, a fraction of a millisecond, this guy just, I mean, do you understand? This is funnier than anything Ed Helms ever did. The thing about the red hat that drove me to a point of exhaustion, which was misdiagnosed by a, I'm not going to say what race, what people, doctor, and what hospital, and what media it went to. We know I can't say that. It was a Jewish doctor.

Dude, he just nailed it. This shit makes me think that maybe he's actually... I mean, I know he's not trolling because you can see behind his eyes he's got some real fucking issues, but my God, dude. He's so funny. And it's sad. Take away all that. You got to take away all that because if you actually live in the world and understand what's happening, it's sad.

If you take away all that, he fucking iced that shit comedically. It was a Jewish doctor. I mean, just like we knew already, you know, we already knew where it was going from jump. So Kanye is fucking hilarious, dude. I feel real. You know, he's funny like Trump's funny. You know what I mean? It's just iced it.

Just got me good. Oh, it just got me. Just iced it. Honestly, Kanye should just be like, that was my Halloween costume is just an anti-Semite. Hey, Ditas, let me have that deal back. I'm a guy tried to go into Skechers, tried to go into fucking Skechers and then Foot Locker or some shit. And they were just like, nah, we're good. Dude, I'm getting turned down by Skechers.

By the way, Skechers pull some heat. I'm not joking. You see some guy, dude, Uncle Carl and Tempe had some Skechers on, and I was like, that's kind of heat, dude. You didn't even know it, right? Old men dictate the trends straight up. You see what fucking like, I mean, Uncle Carl is like 73. Can't remember really, but you see a 73-year-old wear some shit,

and then like Lil Durk wears some shit. It's pretty much the same thing. They dictate heat, besides all the iced out chains and shit, unless, of course, the old man is shit and then like Lil Durk wear some shit it's pretty much the same Thing Besides all the iced out chains and shit unless of course The old man is Italian then forget it But um Yeah man Uh Kanye's I don't know I feel bad about everything

But I will say uh the costumes Were I don't know man These stars who dress up and get like all the shit done like kim kardashian did the uh mystique from the x-men and then um uh diddy did the joker which is i mean diddy is like what is he 50 something and diddy is like basically eight i like how halloween takes people and turns them into eight-year-olds or 90 right like it's like people who either like diddy was just having a fucking blast and the costume was so good i didn't even know it was diddy and then uh but to me it's like

one night i don't want to put all that shit on me, man. Like I did the, what do you call it? The episode of the last podcast that we're rebranding. And I was a vampire and Kristen wanted me to put eyeliner on and the blood coming down my mouth. And I didn't want to do it. And all day I felt gross and I had it on. But now I realize I kind of look fucking dope in eyeliner. I'm probably going to black out my nails too. Cause I'm going to be fucking sick,

dude. Forget it for real. I'm going to be fucking sick, dude. I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like one of those fucking, what is, what is the,

uh, Coedon Cambria? Just fucking my silhouette is a, is a shadow of its former self. Just fucking killing it with my black shit, dude. My silhouette is a shadow of its former self. Just fucking killing it with my black shit, dude. It was a Jewish doctor. Elon Musk did a... Okay, he got Twitter going on.

And he's got a committee of people that... Look what he did. Brought a sink. We get it. Weirdest video. Like whoever took that video, he put the sink down and fucking fired him as soon as they stopped recording.

He goes, oh, you fired, right? Because I don't want you to be having all the shit in here i don't know what's out there how about how trump was like yeah i should be back on twitter too soon congratulations to elon musk it's nice to finally it's nice to be able to support um african-american owned business because of how i mean just trolling how many times does Trump say libtards on his own, you know, dude, libtards, I heard somebody say it the other day, it's hilarious when people use that with no, like, what do you call it, irony, libtards, fucking boomer, I gotta get a colonoscopy, that's what I got to get. I got to get a colonoscopy because I'm 42, dude. I'm going to be 43 in March. And they say to get it at 45, but they used to say

get it at 40, right? They used to say get it at 40. And now they change it. When I turn 40, they say 45. And then I'm like, wait a second. Didn't my grandma have colon cancer? And I'm like, yeah. And then I say, well, when should I get checked if I have a family history of colon cancer? And then I'm like, I look it up and it's like, if you have a family history of somebody who had colon cancer, you can still get checked at 45 unless they had it before they were 55. I'm like, when did grandma have it? And then when should I get checked if she had it before 55?

And then they'd say, well, then you should probably get it checked a little earlier. And I'm 42 already. So, uh-oh. So then I'm like, hey, mom, when did grandma Carmela? Yes, I'm Italian. Her first bout of-oh. So then I'm like, hey mom, when did grandma Carmela, yes, I'm Italian, get her first bout of colon cancer? And my mom hit me back and texted me 54. She eked it out. Hey doctor, where you at, dude?

I got a stick of metal rod up my a-a-ain't it? What the fuck dude give me that good drink for a day before make me shit my brains out put me under for 20 minutes and stick a metal rod up my whoops so it's

like I gotta get a colonoscopy dude I'll take you know what I'll vlog it man hey guys what's up it's Chris D'Elia we're gettinglia. We're getting a fucking colonoscopy. Like and subscribe. Oh, man. Feels weird. Feels weird. Oh, man. Know what it feels like?

I got to shit myself. Dude, that drink I heard was terrible. My buddy said he was drinking the drink all day and he was shitting. And then he flew to Texas to try and get a colonoscopy and then his buddy was going to hook him up his buddy was like a proctologist whoever does the colonoscopy and he was like oh um why fly in friday morning so can i just come straight there and we do the colonoscopy and he was like yeah he's like girl it's gonna be there is at 11 and so he was drinking the drink all day on thursday and shitting drink all day on thursday and

shitting himself all day on thursday and they got on the flight guess what dude he had to shit himself the whole way to texas man hey guy no better hey guy you're gonna be leaking in aisle 14 you still gotta drink that fucking take it home drink right not to take it home but to take it home yeah i know you got to take the drink home but i'm talking about hey guys let's take it home that's the take it home drink before in the morning you're gonna flush out completely and then go for your colonoscopy duty was, he was shitting the whole plane ride. That's hilarious, man. Oh, God. Colonoscopies, huh? This Facebook thing is crazy.

Stock is just down. Hey, who would have thought that people didn't want to be in the metaverse? I wouldn't know, actually. I wouldn't know because motherfucking dorks can always surprise you. You know what I'm talking about? Magic the Gathering? Oh, really? Swear that much? the Power Rangers Empire ah it's worth Saban is worth how much I don't know dorks will trick you you'd be like who

watches that and then oh dorks come through like the fucking first scene in Troy actually it makes me laugh, but don't walk into our world and move on when walking to the Earth. Do you know what I'm talking about? It just makes me laugh that people don't. But dorks said meta? Uh-uh. Metaverse? Uh-uh.

Dorks go like this. We'd rather be losers in real life than winners in fake ones. Gotta hand it to them dorks dude my buddy's trying to get me to get real estate in the metaverse and i keep trying to blow them off like okay maybe hey let me come over let's talk about the metaverse i don't want a condo in the metaverse i don't even have coins who would have thunk that nfts the they've people have been purchasing nfts that was a hot commodity for a while and it went down sales of nfts went down 97 percent 97 percent people are not buying nfts

that's fucking rappers and justin bieber that just like okay we did it now what nfts that's nft stands for no fucking that i'm not buying it that's what it stands for No fucking that I'm not buying it That's what it stands for dude No more Not for this guy That's what NFT stands for now Not for this guy anymore

It's a dark Mad humor But you know dude It's the whole thing about Putting on a fucking helmet You don't want to have to Put on a helmet That's where the metaverse Is fucked You don't want to have to put on a helmet. That's where the metaverse is.

You don't want to have to put on. If I could hook in Bluetoothically with just my body, okay. If I could just go like this and then hook in with the Bluetooth and then all of a sudden I see condos that I'm in that I purchased with Bitcoin or fucking Ethereum, whatever the fuck, then okay. But if I got to put on a helmet and just sit on a fucking couch eating Funyuns when I know that there's actually people outside, maybe living a better life, but I got a helmet on dealing with rashes and shit,

dude, I got it. You got it. The metaverse ain't ready. They're not ready until I can hook in with my Bluetooth on my human body without having to do shit. I'm not talking about give me the aux cord. I'll do it through my anus. I'm talking about straight up hooking in Bluetooth-ically. Then fine. I'll be royal as shit. I'll start my own metaverse. I'm the only one in there

royal with just some fucking, you know, bots. S*** off. Bleep it out. Just straight giving me a royal OTPHJ. You know what I mean? Oh, hey, dude. Hey, where's Chris? Just sit like this. Just like this at Pete's Coffee. Where's Chris? Oh, he's getting a Royal OTPHJ. Where's Chris? Oh, he's just hooked in, but he's not even the aux cord. Isn't he? He's got no wire tail. What's that mean?

That's what we use as fucking aux cord in the anus. Oh, what's going on? He's hooking in through Bluetooth, dude. What's he doing? He's at his condo in fucking Narnia just hooked in getting royal otph jays dude we got the fucking medic kim kardashian just rubbing in friendulum tip or whatever the fuck they call it just we got the meta we got the meta fucking we got the meta fucking Kim Kardashian just working his frenulum tip, dude, over some denim. Hell yeah, dude, this is why you listen to this.

But who would have thought putting on a helmet and wonking around trying to find out who else is in the metaverse. Made meta, a.k.a. Facebook stock went down. Dude, come to me, meta, when I can hook in Bluetooth and get royal OTPH shades in my Miami condo with the meta Kim Kardashian working my friendulum gland. But you know I'm right though, right, but you know I'm right, but yeah, he shouldn't talk about stuff, that's so dirty,

but it's not dirty, because we're in the metaverse, it's not even really happening dude, I'm clean as shit, and this is what I'm talking about, NPR should be talking about this, you want to listen to all your other podcasts, talk about, you know, oh, I listen to this shit, I listen to that shit, all the other comedy podcasts, the other comedy podcasts,

go to them for comedy. But you want the real shit? You want the raw shit? You want the real, the shit where we will be talking about Facebook stock and all of a sudden be talking about sitting royal in a Narnia condo, getting worked by, getting absolutely handled by the metaverse Kim Kardashian just tooling around with your frenulum gland

where you at NPR where you at cause right now in the actual metaverse that's created I'm a board ape and nobody gives a fuck it was a jewish doctor if this one is an age restricted i'll be shocked dude but whatever dude we speak real and youtube

can fucking subscribe to the shit by the way we still have 596 it's a whole thing it's a whole thing man i's a whole thing, man. I don't really even really believe in Shadowban, but I know they ain't pushing us in the algorithm, and I know why. Because we talk about what we talk about, and, you know, but this is,

I got to give it to you real, dude. I'm the Crowder of Comedy, or whatever the fuck that guy's called. They keep, I'm going to be on Rumble soon, dude, and I'm not even a fucking far, don't push me. That's the whole thing. Don't push me, dude. i'm not even a fucking far don't push me that's the whole thing don't push me dude i'm not on the right i'm in the center but i'm just saying dude don't push me speaking of don't push me here we go dude

i just saw this help this woman doa two a's at the end, heal from racial trauma. Now, when I read this headline, I go like this. Okay, I understand trauma is real. I suffer from PTSD. It makes my life a living hell. I am not ever really hit with racism. I'm a white guy, mostly, except for the past few years, because whites kind of took a dip, I've been living pretty good. Now, it's harder to be a white guy than ever. Who gives a fuck, man? I'm still rolling on my dolo and it's fine. Okay?

But, you know, especially in Hollywood, it's tougher. So, I'm not complaining. I don't give a shit. Give all the parts to all people of color i don't care i want for real there to be a movie about buzz aldrin and a trans woman to play him that i want that the biopic just like one small step for wait a minute what do we actually say i want that movie and one giant well it's a definitely a giant leap for what we can't say mankind i don't know anymore netflix just

the wokest shit so racial trauma i know nothing about so let's take a gander i don't look at this and go oh for fuck's sake i'm not a boomer look at this and I say, let's do some fucking actually. Let's take a comb and we'll see what's going on. We'll comb through this. It's a GoFundMe. A lot of the GoFundMe out there, Fummies out there are bullshit. But let's take a fine-tooth comb and look at this GoFundMe. Let's see what that was all about.

I don't deal with racism. Hello. My name is Doa now let's do the fucking scale here the don't push me scale we start at zero let's start at zero and then as it goes

we'll see what the don't push me scale is okay don't push me to the right. I'm a centrist. If you're watching on YouTube, we've got the don't push me scale and it's my hand. We're starting at zero. If you're listening, I feel like you'll probably get the gist of what's going to be happening during this bit. All I'm asking Doa, I get racial trauma i don't i don't get racial trauma i get you get it and i'm willing to understand that maybe you need some fucking bags for what happened all i'm asking for is work with me and don't give me two right wings where i'm flying around

in a circle getting dizzy because I'm a centrist. Here's the scale. And we start the GoFundMe paragraph here. Hello. My name is Doa. I am a Nubian, Afro, indigenous, interdisciplinary artist. Zero's here. Too many words.

Okay? I don't even care about how you can be whatever, just too many words. You botch it. But it's not bad. We're at like a one or a two now. And decolonial practice-based research are currently residing on the stolen lands of the...

Okay, now this is what it says. X, high W, M, upside down E8K, high W, AY, upside down EM. What's a high W? Where's that W going? Hey, W, get a little bit lower and bigger. In parentheses, Musqueam, never heard of it. Probably my privilege showing. Let's pick it up with the left hand, dude.

Oh, dude, hold on a second. There's another word I don't know. S, K with the underline, regular W, X with the underline, W, U with an accent over it, the number seven. And then the word mesh in parentheses, squeamish and Swelliwetooth peoples, colonial known as Vancouver, dude. You can see my armpit hair. So now we got to start. Dude, don't push me. But now we got to start dude don't push me but now we got to start back at this is not one this is we're at 10 dude because this ain't over motherfuckers look the fucking temperature burst all right let me just read it it's a really diff it's really

it's really difficult for me to ask for financial support. However, I have exhausted all my options and need my community's help through my healing journey. I work for a charitable arts organization and I am... Oh, you know what, actually? We're going down because I get it. You went up a little bit, but let's take it down, dude. Maybe the thermometer didn't break. It's really difficult for me to ask for financial support. We feel you, dude. It's a hard time, so we're getting back down. However, I have exhausted all my options. That's sad.

I mean, we're going back down. Dude, you're getting me back to Centris. Very good. Thank you, Doa. And need my community to help through the healing journey. Okay. We don't like the word healing journey together, but you know what?

We'll go up a little bit, but we're still here. I work for a charitable arts organization. Very admirable. Let's take a dip, dude. We're getting back to one. We're getting back to zero, aren't we uh and i am initiating this go fund me because i am currently dealing with the impacts of racial trauma what is it let's hang tight right here for a second i experienced at a work event which took place on april 7th and 8th in 2022 now you experienced racial trauma april c now i got my fucking detective shit on i I got my hat that's got the front bill and the back bill.

And I'm here with a magnifying glass. Because if you experienced trauma on April 7th, what you doing going back April 8th? What you doing? All good. I don't know the issue. Let's read on. On the 7th, I faced racist and transphobic remarks from an artistic director working in one of BC's school districts.

On the 8th, I witnessed a culturally appropriated performance by a local non-black hip-hop instructor who publicly humiliated me and the black community after I highlighted her lack of cultural and historical context about hip-hop. Where am I here? This had to be addressed as it could be harmful for the children she educates in school. She admitted that her dance school does not have a single black instructor because they lack the 10 years of experience she's looking for. My employer took no action with either the transformic educator or the dance instructor. Not even an email of acknowledgement was sent to the colleagues in support of the only black employee. I had a mental breakdown and left the event early with permission from my employer.

Only to later receive a text that the staff photo was overlooked and was taken without me. Wow. I was excluded, which further alienated me. Wow, dude. You laugh. You want to know? Additionally, after this traumatic event, like we got to bend the whole thing because this woman thinks or trans i don't know if she i don't know additionally after this traumatic event celebratory messages were shared internationally about how successful the event was completely

dismissing my trauma oh my god until i brought these insensitive and hurt truth and hurt hurtful messages to their attention okay there's more i don't want to read it if you're bored go fuck yourself racial trauma has tremendously impacted my mental and physical health in ways i never experienced before that sentence alone can live you know i haven't been eating drinking or sleeping well all right well that's my sense of taste and smell change oh even food i used to enjoy smells repulsive what if i found out later she's pregnant i have severe neck and shoulder pain that i'm currently treating out of pocket since my extended health coverage through work has been exceeded you have shoulder pain because of a white guy

doing hip-hop i have suffered multiple anxiety attacks in public, which is why I limited commuting on public transit and I'm using Lyft Uber instead. My ADHD symptoms worsened as my brain feels extremely overwhelmed trying to navigate ways to cope with the trauma, financial burden, and stress. Most of the time, I have extreme fear of leaving my apartment unless I am with my friends. It takes me hours to plan leaving. I'm right with you there, but that's because of my OCD. And a lot of times I get so physically exhausted from thinking and planning, I just give up and don't leave K-Well. I recently completed my second MA degree that resulted in me drowning in more debt and student loans. I intend on publishing my MA thesis, apply for art grants, complete art projects, and more.

But following this trauma, I missed every deadline. Is there more? No. Hmm. I expected to. Hmm. I expected to. Is this a parody?

It's real. Thank you so much for everyone who donated here and for e-transfer me some funds. I haven't posted an update in a bit because I was waiting to hear back some details from my employer. Also due to my severe PTSD resulting from the racial trauma, I have physical symptoms now every time I think of my workplace gagging nausea, severe muscle pain. One of the triggers is my GoFundMe, which is why it took me some time to write an update here. God, see. What the fuck? It's like this is the thing, man.

It's hard enough to deal with somebody who has one problem. This person has 10 problems and is expecting the world to bend to it we can't do that because there's seven billion people in the world dude if there were 10 people this woman was in a class and everyone was like we don't know what to do with her just leave there's seven people billion people in this world if the world changes for you it's fucked for so many other people dude put one step in front of the other and i hate being like this but you push i'm a centrist but you got to just get out there man i know you're not asking for my advice but you put it online dude she's got three thousand dollars she made three thousand dollars on her gofundme

who's fucking donating i'm gonna donate for real what what are you what can you what can you say to these people? It's a mental condition, huh? I mean, we all have mental conditions. I have mental conditions. I have OCD. It's hard for me. Dude, something's triggered my OCD.

Something's triggered my PTSD. I don't blame anybody about it. I try not to. I at least try not to, right? To get to the point where you're writing a whole i wish people took like none of this none of this is her fault you know and i don't think you should bully her this is a comedy podcast and i feel for this woman man i just think that she you know people like this might need some help i don't feel for her because she got

racially traumatized i feel for her because this fucking she can't sit in a class without finding a problem with it like that she can't even be at home without finding a problem this is a real issue dude sometimes my ocd gets the best of me and i stay in my fucking bed for a long time i don't even think about blaming someone else for that i mean yeah i blame other people for lots of things like fucking you know if i forget to bring water up to the bedroom when i'm going to bed maybe it's because my I mean, yeah, I blame other people for lots of things like fucking, you know. If I forget to bring water up to the bedroom when I'm going to bed, maybe it's because my wife distracted me and that's her fault.

But I'm not starting to GoFundMe because of it. Guys, my wife distracted me when I tried to go upstairs. I needed water. I'm dealing with severe trauma in bed because I don't want to go downstairs. I can't leave because she knows I have bad OCD and I already set up for bed. So I'm up here and she wants me to go get water for her, but I was having the water. And then I put it down at the bottom of the stairs because she asked me to clean the dishes and yeah, all the dishes were mine, but I clean them up. And then when I went upstairs, I forgot the water. I had the water anyway. I'm trying to get $5,000 because I think that that's

what it worth that. I forgot the water. I woke up parched and my OCD was absolutely flaming. I think that that's what it was that I forgot the water I woke up parched and my OCD was absolutely flaming. My wife didn't go get it. It resulted in a fucking you know a speed bump in my marriage. So it's like what the fuck do I do? Can people

donate? I probably could get some money for that honestly. I definitely could get some money for that if I was indigenous. I'm from the Sioux tribe secretly. I think my adopted grandmother is Jewish. No bullshit, man. The doctor was Jewish.

Um, I think, I don't know. People think shit is crazy. But, also, there's so many fucking things that are so crazy out there in the world. I just can't believe it. The internet fucked everything up, didn't it? Because now these crazy people find each other, right?

These crazy people find each other. She gets sympathy and sympathizers, whereas what she needs are doctors. Now, I don't know this. This woman, she could be trolling. I have no fucking idea. But people who do this, the people that you don't invite to Thanksgiving now have a community online on these GoFundMes or whatever the fuck it is. You know? And it's like, yeah, this is it.

Dude, I was watching this thing on Vice the other day about the targeted community. They think that they're being targeted for something. People think they're being stalked when they're not being stalked. People think that they're being like literally controlled by electronic pulses that the government, like these are people that think they're targeted and know they're targeted, even though they're not. And they found each other online and they identify as a targeted community and they're like so happy they found each other

because nobody else gets it but they're being stalked not stalked and also controlled with electronic pulses through the government not being controlled by electronic pulses. Through the government. Not being controlled by electronic pulses. Through the government. But they all found each other. And they're all like fuck yeah. Now we're thriving. And it's like oh but instead of finding each other. Find Alexa Pro.

Instead of finding each other. Snort out Prazalam. Not that. I don't know. I'm not a doctor but it's like dude and i'm here taking fucking five ants and i'm here fucking taking in our prazolam every time somebody you know my shit spikes i weaned off at all and i never really had a problem maybe i did i have no idea what a problem is but my point is wow my point is wow um yeah

it's a weird fucking time man you talk to 70 year olds about this time and they're just like oh yeah it's never been worse i don't know if that's true, right? I mean, there is a war in the Ukraine, but we're not there. Maybe it was bad in Vietnam, the time when everybody... But everyone was fucking around then. Everyone was just straight up squirting, right? That was like the free love movement.

It was probably really bad in the 1800s. People would die because they got a toothache. Times are good. Let's just realize it. How about that? That got a toothache. Times are good. Let's just realize it. How about that? That's the main thing. Times are good. Let's just realize it. Yeah, you got a white guy coaching hip hop and no black people in the hip hop class, but you know what is out the window? Scurvy. We're going to be fine. You can find a peach at a fucking Whole Foods near you. How about that? You're not going to die of scurvy.

Okay, yeah, it sucks somebody is culturally appropriating, even though I don't even believe in that. Because who knows where anything started, right? People are like, don't wear dreads if you're white. But then it's like, okay, because black people came up with dreadlocks. But then it's like, dude, I watch House of Dragons, and that took place in like the year 100, and everyone's got dreadlocks. Dude, I watch House of Dragons and that took place in like the year 100 and everyone's got dreadlocks.

So it's like. When did it start? I watch House of Dragons and you forget that that wasn't how it was until you see a dragon. You're like, oh, wait, this is fiction, man. That show. Let me tell you something. Game of Thrones. Not into it.

House of Dragons. Yes, they did it. You know why? It's about one fucking family. That's why. I already don't know everybody. I'm so bad at knowing people's names i'll be sitting watching a movie with kristin and she'll be like oh i think it's bob and i'm like who's bob and she's like it's the main character asshole and i'm like oh yeah no no you're right i fuck i don't think of names you should have just said the guy with the wavy hair

so now game of thrones comes on i don't know who anybody is dude you watch the house of dragons i don't know who anyone is but also at you watched the House of Dragons. I don't know who anyone is, but also, at least I recognize them because there's not 300 cast members. And of course, they had to fucking change the cast members halfway through because they made them older. Fine, that's okay. I can deal with it. But that shows the shit, dude. Why wasn't Game of Thrones more like House of Dragons?

You know what? In the comments, I want to know, for real, make a comment if you like House of Dragons more than Game of Thrones because everyone loves Game comment, if you like House of Dragons more than Game of Thrones. Because everyone loves Game of Thrones. I like House of Dragons better. I don't mean to go against the grain. Yeah, I miss to go against the grain,

and I don't mean to go against the grain. But it's like, House of Dragons is the shit. The CGI is not as good. The dragons sometimes look fake. They probably didn't have the money GOT has. But HOD has fucking, next year, if it's't have the money G.O.T. has, but H.O.D. has fucking, next year, if it's gonna, if it's poppin', which it is, and I like that fucking Damon guy, I think he's a bad guy, because he's, like, doing a lot of incestuous stuff, but then I realized everyone's doing

incestuous stuff back then, in that time, during that time, during that real time period, but I like that show, because it's, it's, I don't know. I like the fucking show, okay? What do you want from me? I don't like the movie Barbarian, and I really like Game of Thrones. Anyway, I guess that's it, dude. We're having a great time here. We got the Brea on New Year's Eve.

We're going to be doing that. So join me there. It should be a lot of fun. It should be a lot of fun. Irvine I'm doing, but that's sold out. Let's go to Denver. We'll be in Denver soon. Get your tickets.

It's almost, we sold like 4,000 tickets so far. So join us, dude. Fun as shit. Denver and then Cheyenne, Wyoming. Seattle's almost done there. I'm doing that January something. But Lakeland, Florida, I'm going to be there December. I don't know. There's like a month left. Why can't I get open these? Lakeland, Florida. Boston, Massachusetts, November 12th at the Wang

Theater. The Late Show still has tickets left. Lakeland, Florida. Jacksonville, Florida. San Diego, we added another show, Balboa Theater. First one sold out. Portland, Florida, Jacksonville, Florida, San Diego. We added another show, Balboa Theater. First one sold out. Portland, Oregon, getting up there. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall. We love it. Seattle, Washington, McCall Hall. Said that.

Sugarland, Texas, New Orleans, New York, Providence, Rhode Island, New York. I'll be there February 18th. Beacon Theater added a second show. Chicago, Illinois, February 25th. Springfield, Missouri, and Midland, Texas in March. And then we're, shh, Austin, shh. And also Kansas, shh. And also, we're doing some in the fucking Ohio, shh.

We've got a bunch of cities. There's a bunch of big cities in Ohio for some fucking reason, shh. We're going to go there, shh. I know I'm, the only one I know I'm doing a Cincinnati. Don't tell anyone. But it's coming out, dude. If you want to take it, we're probably going to do Cleveland.

We're probably going to do. I hope we're doing Columbus. I don't know. There's so many. There's Akron and Toledo. I don't know if we're doing those, but Ohio is short. It's small enough that don't be all like,

you're not coming to Cleveland. I live out an hour. It's a do Toledo. Try to Cleveland. So I'll be there. Don't tell anyone. But be ready when the shit drops. And then Austin.

We're going to play Moody Blues. That's so many tickets, but it's probably not enough because my family is in Austin. Austin is huge. So make sure when I post about Austin, you're on that shit and you get it with the pre-sale code. I'm sure it'll be, don't push me, all lowercase. Anyway, dude, you guys don't tell anyone Hey guys that's it for YouTube If you want to watch

The raw The uncut The unedited episode Of this latest episode Go on over to Patreon.com Slash Chris D'Elia For only six bucks a month

For only six bucks For only six bucks a month You can get that And you can also get An extra episode Each month Of congratulations There's like

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Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. There's also other segments we do. I've got a podcast on Christmas. I'm trying to convince her to come back on and do a Patreon episode. She'll be on soon. But we appreciate you and we love you I've got a podcast at Christmas. I'm trying to convince her to come back on and do a Patreon episode. She'll be on soon. But we appreciate you

and we love you guys. Thanks a lot.