Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 283. Dilly-Dallying Stallion

Episode Date: November 10, 2022

🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris went grocery shopping, he recounts his adventures trick-or-treating with Cal and saw the most traumatic thing he's ever seen in a movie.  Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys and welcome to another episode of congratulations It is on to the break it down like how when it when Nicolas Cage says it in what do you call it that movie? Bad lieutenant to the break of dawn maybe dude that made me laugh so hard when he does that cincy and also so fucking dope too the way he said it so the shit in cincinnati it's all a circle that meets in the middle there uh or at the top rather um crystalia.com go get your tickets i will be in let's see boston uh november i believe 12th the first uh show is sold out the second show is added at the Wang, and it's selling out. Go get your tickets in Boston.

I will be there very soon. I will also be in Lakeland, Florida. I will also be in Jacksonville, Florida. And I've got some other shows, too, in Brea, California. I have announced that I will be there for New Year's Eve, doing like four shows over there, five maybe. San Diego added a show. Portland, getting up there.

Seattle, Washington is, I'm recording this a little bit in advance. It may be sold out at this point, but it may be a few seats left. So go to chrisley.com. San Antonio, Texas. I never mentioned that one. chrisley.com. That's February 3rd, San Antonio, Texas. Sugarland, Texas. I get a lot of hit up. Hey, when are you coming to Houston? I'm going to Sugarland. It's 20 minutes outside of Houston. Go there. I'm traveling the whole way. You travel 20 minutes. February 4th, New Orleans. February 5th, Providence, Rhode Island.

February 17th, New York, New York, Beacon. We added another show February 18th, and then Chicago, Illinois, February 25th, and then I'll do the rest later. Further episodes, but also Chrisley.com. Oh, I think I added Austin by this time. Don't tell anybody. I added Austin, and I believe I added some Kansas ones and some Ohio ones. Go check chrisley.com. I don't know if I did it yet, but let's just hear this. Dude, what sounds better than that, baby?

Drinking. But drinking nice. It's sparkling water, a.k.a. what my son would call it, spicy water. So cute. It's sparkling water, a.k.a. what my son would call it, spicy water. So cute. Oh, by the way, also, if you've seen me on the road, the guy who I bring to open for me sometimes, a hilarious comic, Mike Linoci, will be at the Brea Improv November 17th. So go check him out if you're in Brea. And then come and see me in New Year's Eve for Brea.

But whatever. You know what I mean? This is episode 283, and we are firing on all syllables already. You know, dude, it is what it is, right? It's a beautiful day. The day's beautiful. I was talking to my brother earlier,

and the nice coldness is coming through in LA, and I don't know if that's, you know, the nice coldness is coming through. And my brother said he couldn't wait for it. And then he said it happened and couldn't wait for it. And then as soon as it happened, he woke up and he was sad about it. And ain't that just like how life goes? You wait for something and it's not as good as what you thought it would be. But it's all good.

It should be nice and cold even though uh uh halloween is over i'm recording this now like a few days after uh halloween and kristin just goes like this you know what that means and i say huh and she says let's decorate for christmas and i was like you mean the rest because there's already two trees up and then she made me put a tree downstairs from upstairs. We've got three stories, no biggie. It was in the middle. She goes, can you bring it downstairs in the entryway? The first floor is really just an entryway.

I mean, I'm, you know, I mean, I'm not trying to be big baller here. I got three stories. One of them is really only where you walk in and there's an entryway. All good. But she goes like this. Hey, hey, can you take the tree from the middle floor and bring it to the bottom, and I go like this, why'd you decorate it from the middle, in the middle then, she's like, I'm not gonna be near the garage decorating a tree, I want to be nice about

it, so I'm like, okay, cool, yeah, true, you want to be nice about it, I get it, be nice about it, in the middle, I get it, it's nice, it's a fireplace, you decorate the tree, and yeah, of course, it's fucking October 15th, but still, you want to be nice about it so you're being nice about it and you're doing it near the fire you're listening to christmas music i'm not in the house because i don't want to listen to christmas music yet and it's not because i don't like christmas music you know your boy he loves christmas music but you know what he loves it closer to christmas and i would listen to it in may but here's the deal i don't want to ruin the specialness of Christmas. I want Christmas to be as special as it can possibly be. And so for me, decorate, make the music happen around November 15th and take it down.

First week of January, you want to go January 8th. That's okay. That's when Christmas is special. That's almost two whole months you get. You get two months of Christmas from November 15th. We will go. What do you want to do? This is if my wife worked behind the camera in the studio.

You want November. What do you want? Can we go lower? You want to get decorated? You want to decorate? Okay, we'll go November. We can go November 8th. We'll go November 8th.

We'll go November 8th, and we will push it till... What do you want, darling? You want it up till January 20th? We will start November 8th and all the way to January 20th. Christmas. There you go, darling. You can get it for thousands of dollars when you go to Target. Thousands of dollars when you go to little boutique shops.

Two trees. We'll give you two trees. What do we want? You want three trees? We'll give you three trees, and that'll cost you. That'll cost you two. What do you want it? You want it before Halloween?

We'll do it October 11th. Christmas starts October 11th, and it ends February 29th. And if you know anything about that, that's a leap day and it doesn't happen every four weeks. So really what's happening is Christmas is never over. It doesn't start, it doesn't begin, it is always on my wife's mind. You get Christmas all the time. So yeah, so she she goes guess what she says guess what and i said what she says time to decorate for christmas so i brought the tree downstairs and then guess what

she fucking after that wanted the tree to go not only to the mid-level, she wants it on the third level. So I brought it down and now got to bring it two up. All right? Hey, is this fucking, you know, Donkey Kong?

Like, just decide where you want it. But she's like my mom because she'll be like, my mom would always mom She's not like my mom in this way But in a little bit she is And I love her, she's my angel But my mom will be like Can you move a couch? And then I'll be like no

Can you move a couch with Matt? Alright cool we do it And then she goes like this This is the move right here I'm going to put my thing because this is what she does. No, let's put it back. Oh, I'm pissed. Oh, I'm pissed.

So, you see, I'm pissed. And so now I got to bring the tree up trying to fucking you know i like to dilly dally that's me dude just dilly dallying she says bring the water cases up i go yeah but i'm a dilly dallyer she says yeah you, your one thing is washing the dishes, the sink's full. And I say, yeah, but I'm a dilly-dallier. I got some dilly-dallying to do. I'm the dilly-dallying stallion. Dilly-dallying stallion.

Yeah, dude, I like to dilly-dally, dude. Which is why I haven't made my colonoscopy appointment yet. Yes, dude, I don't, I don't, uh, I like to dilly dally, dude, which is why I haven't made my colonoscopy appointment yet. Yes, dude. Didn't make it yet. Got to do it. My buddy told me they put a fucking, dude, I was talking to my friend, David Sullivan, and he was like, man, they put you out for 20 minutes. This is incredible.

They just put you out for 20 minutes. I was like, dude, I would choose not to. And he was like, are you kidding me? I was like, hell yeah, dude, put me in the twilight thing. You know, sometimes they just put you in a little bit of a twilight sleep. It's not, you're not really sleeping. You're kind of up, but you're like, kind of like looking around and you're like, and he was like, man, they put a metal rod up your, what, what David Sullivan said was they put a metal rod up your penis. And I was like, what doctor did you go to you i said you mean anus and he said what

yeah or yeah your anus and i was like oh we got to stop right there dude because i don't know if you made a mistake or if you thought while you were under they put a metal rod under your penis to check for fucking colon cancer what doctor did you go to dr giggles so um i'm gonna do that and i'm a dilly dallyer and my fucking you know i called my doctor and he was like well you don't have to do it until 10 years before the person in your family you're the person in your family first got it so So my grandma's 54, I'm 42. So he's like, you're a little on the earlier side, but why don't you, you know, you can do it if you want to.

So I'm like, all right, let's do it, dude. 42 years old, getting, going to get my anus checked. Um, yeah, so we're getting ready for Christmas and I'm going to get my anus checked and, you know, all this fucking, just hear those sleigh bells ring-a-ling, jing-jing-jing-a-ling to metal rod of anus. fucking just hear those sleigh bells wringling jing jing jingling to metal rod madness and um uh so i'm doing that and then uh and we and you know i i forget because since christmas is starting in my household um you know i gotta fucking uh we gotta do that and and Thanksgiving, I guess, is just out the window, I don't know, I guess Thanksgiving is just out the window, uh, you know, I think we're gonna maybe be in town for Thanksgiving, but I guess it's just out the window, but what we are going

to do, um, is, uh, talk about Halloween right now, because I went on Halloween with my son and my wife and my brother, Matt, Uncle Matt, for Calvin, and my dad and my mom, and we walked around this one block where they shut it down, and my son was a purple people eater, one eye, one horn purple people eater, and it was great because it was the first real Halloween that my son was kind of like a kid and not just like a, you know, I don't want to say a blob. But when the kids are like one, they're like, they don't know anything. They just maybe make eye contact and shit. But he was like walking around.

He walked up to people's doors. One time he did it completely by himself. It was just really fucking cute. And he was a purple people eater. And Kristen made the the costume and she's crafty and she's my angel, but she's crafty dude. And she, uh, she put it together and that's just great, man. She put it together and Calvin was happy and he was so sweaty in his outfit, but he didn't want to take it off. He wouldn't take it off. And I was a vampire and it's just this block that uh that they shut down and it was fucking awesome man and then and then i um and then i uh i did uh i was this big alien came came up to me and he was like chris

leah and you know i was getting recognized every now and then even though i i was dressed i was i was a vampire i look more like chris leah than chris lee because i was now i was in my full form a real vampire i actually look like a vampire we put the blood down coming down from my mouth like how i did in the fucking, in our old podcast, in the fucking, the golden hour, it's called now, that we do over at what used to be the king and the sting of the wing. And dude,

yeah, we, this big alien said, hey, what's up, Chris? And I was like, oh, hey. And he says, it's me. And I couldn't see him. And he pulled back his alien costume and it was like a screen and he smashed his face and he said, it's Mario. And I was like oh hey and he says it's me and I couldn't see him and he pulled back his alien costume and it was like a screen and he smashed his face he said it's Mario and I was like who and he says Mario Lopez and I was like oh shit what's up you're here and he's like yeah we fucking live here and so uh you know it was a star-studded event whatever

it's a star-studded event it was me Mario Lopez and then Frankenstein was there star-studded event it was me mario lopez and then frankenstein was there star-studded event i don't know if it's a real one or not um but yeah dude halloween was beautiful my dad and my mom had a great time my mom was taking pictures of calvin she likes to take really close-up pictures of calvin it's crazy she likes to take really really close-up pictures of calvin like's crazy. She likes to take really, really close-up pictures of Calvin, like of his face, and it's so cute. But he doesn't stay still, and she always gets blurry pictures. And that's all good, dude.

That's something that would have made me mad fucking five years ago, but it doesn't now because I'm a Chinese man. You know, I see her taking the pictures. I'm like, Ma, just fucking zoom out a little bit, and you can just cut it. You can just edit it to where it's closer. It would have made me mad five years ago, but now I'm a Chinese man.

You can just edit it to where it's closer. It would have been mad five years ago, but now I'm a change me. You know, it would have made me mad five years ago. And I'm looking at it and I'm getting heated now, but also I simmer it because I'm a change me. And then Calvin didn't say shit the whole Halloween. He was just walking, doing a job, like, focused, and then he got in the car, wouldn't stop saying, uh, my, got so much candy, got so much candy, it was just really cute, man, really fucking cute,

and then today, after Halloween, one of the days after, it was one of the days after Halloween, and he was like, let's look at my candy, and he pulled it up, and he was like, should I eat this one, and I let him eat it, and it was so cute, dude, he ate it, and he was like, should I have another, what should I have next, should I have another one, and I was like, Calvin, you should only eat one piece of candy, but look, I let him have a smorgasbord of candy Halloween night, he ate a lot, I'm not like one of those parents that's going to be like, okay, enough, but he had a lot, and then the next day, I was like, let's just have one, and he was like, what should I eat next, and he pulled out Skittles, and I'm like, you're gonna fucking, first of all, you're not gonna like that, second of all, you're gonna choke on it, you don't know what it is, so I pulled out this bar, this chocolate bar that had coconut in it,

and I'm like, I like that one, and I was like, Calvin, we'll give you a half of this, okay, why don't we give you, this is really cute, I was like, I'll give you a half of this okay why don't we give you this is really cute i was like i'll give you half of one is that cool and we'll split it and he said okay so i purposely split it to where one side was a little bigger and i said which one do you want and he picked the big one so cute dude he picked the big one he goes um you look at the item but he goes this one pick the big one thought he put one over on me, dude. It was so cute. I was proud, dude.

He took the big piece and they put it in his mouth and we realized he doesn't like coconut. So it's all good. It's all good. He spit it out. I picked it up, put it in my mouth. I ate it. I'm a changed man. Would I ever take out regurgitated food from someone's mouth and eat it?

No. But now my son made me a bird. I'll eat his food straight from his mouth. I don't give a fuck, dude. I'm gangster when it comes to that shit, dude. I'm fucking gangster when my son wants to give me food that was ABC. Already been chewed. I'm gangster, dude.

I'm cool with the ABC food. So, yeah. That's what I remember. Sumatra would say that in New Jersey. You want some ABC gum? I said, what? You want some ABC gum? It's good.

I said, sure. She said, I've already been to. Here you go. I go, Sum sumatra sumatra sumatra sounds like a coffee coffee blend is it great she's coffee yeah it's racist she was black so um all good but that was her name and she was brown skin you know i suppose i don't remember i remember one time sumatra goes like this dude dude one time sumatra she i'm fucking i love you guys thank you for letting me tell about my my life and i was in school and the fucking teacher mrs esposito was like does anybody

know the answer and i go i say the answer under my breath sumatra was right here behind me just like this and she goes raises her hand and says it and then and i said i said that and she said y'all you should have raised your hand don't sleep and she took it and i forgot that dude sumatra what's her last name i would love to fucking see her now dude there's a bunch of people you ever think about your fucking old classmates dude ronnie and fucking uh rosemary sumatra mark um jenny just people that i don't you know matt i keep in touch with matt matt trevenin i keep in touch with a lot of people from like elementary school uh not a lot no but some right i haven't talked to mike levecchio in forever um fuck they're like 42 now that's. They probably be getting colonoscopy soon too.

But, um, let's see. Danny Vick. Where's he now? Omar Pitts. The fuck is he? I talked to Omar Holt sometimes. Um, yeah, just giving you a brief on that, man. Michael Byrne.

Talk to him for a bit on Facebook until I got off Facebook. Shit, I should probably talk to Michael Byrne. You know, these guys, yeah, Cory Bober, dude, how's he, you ever think about that, man, you ever think about how Cory Bober might be, who were the people in your childhood, who else, man, Justin McKinnon, dude, loved Freddy Krueger with Chris Siegel, they were best friends, they loved horror movies, I fucking was scared of Freddy Krueger, you know about that They were best friends. They loved horror movies. I fucking was scared of Freddy Krueger. Do you know about that shit?

Who else, dude? Fuck. Quaidir. Quaidir, dude. Rashid. Fuck, man. No Asians. Just zero Asians in New Jersey. I moved to La Cunada. That changed. That changed, dude.

For real, went to school with six Daniel Kims. No joke. Look at my yearbook, dude. Daniel Kim, Daniel Kim, Daniel Kim, Daniel Kim, Daniel Kim, Daniel Kim, Daniel Kim, Daniel Kim, Daniel Kim, Daniel Kim, Daniel Kim, Daniel Kim, Daniel Kim, Daniel Kim, Paul Kim. That was another one too. Daniel Kim, Daniel Kim, Paul Kim, Daniel Kim, Daniel Kim, Daniel Kim, Daniel Kim, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul came, Paul oh hey what's up and my mom said oh who's that and i said i think his name was daniel kim but mostly that's just a safe bet racist but not though if you look at the numbers um yeah dude but we have a good time man so halloween was a fucking went off like gangbusters

and uh and it was great dude uh we had a good time i love being a dad can't wait till next year i wonder why my son don't want to be next year i didn't want to be a vampire but my son wanted me to be to be a vampire and my son wanted my my wife to be um a uh a witch and my and my brother showed up as i said as an american cowboy he said no as the american cowboy and he did that for calvin and that's very sweet and i love it you know i'm a family man dude what I say? I'm a fucking family man. I went to the fucking grocery store today because my wife said, can you pick up a few things?

What's going on, me? Hey, me, what's going on? Even the precogs wouldn't have known about this. Even that one character in House of Dragons wouldn't be able to predict this. What's going on, me? You picking shit up? You picking up tahini dressing and Greek yogurt?

You picking up two tomatoes? You picking up two avocados? You picking up four corn on the cobs even though she asked for two corn on the cobs because there was a pack sold with four corn on the cobs and couldn't find the single corn on the cobs you picked up some miso dressing even though she just asked for miso what's miso if not dressing apparently it's different she's gonna make chicken bowls whatever put the miso dressing on it. I'm sure it's fun.

Don't make me feel insecure when I get home. She didn't. It's more my thing. She didn't. It's more my thing. What's going on, me? You're picking up some tahini dressing? Dude.

Hey, me. Dude. Hey me. Nice to meet you. This is me from a while ago. Hi me from the future. What are you doing with Tegini dressing? Well, I'm just picking it up for my wife. Get the fuck out of here. In a dope car.

Me hopping in the fucking four door. Okay. You'll see me. Yeah, yeah man so i picked it all up god i said man i'll do this for you but i gotta tell you i'm gonna fuck it up and she said no you're not and i go The faith. The faith of who I could possibly be. The faith of who I believe to resides inside of the center of me. I believe it too. The faith I have in me getting to that guy today?

Not so good. Maybe you have that faith. Could I possibly be my grown self today? Could I possibly pick up the miso today? I got there. I asked

the guy where the fucking... What? What's queso fresca? What is it, dude? I said, what is it? Is that what it was, babe? Queso fresca? Fresco what?

Queso fresco. It's a male. It's got a dick. Dude, so I fucking... I said, what's queso fresco? Because I can't find it baby yes i looked at the cheese i looked at the fucking i don't even know what the dairy you know so i finally asked the guy where's the queso fresco and well i asked her she said it's in this is

the most white shit i don't even know if it's true it's in the mex Mexican freezer of the fucking, of the grocery store. And I'm like, they divide it based off of, like, what? Isn't there just freezer? She goes, ask an attendant or whatever the fuck they call a grocer. And ask them where the queso fresco is. Now, look, I don't know what it is. So I asked, and I look for a little bit. I'm starting, I get pissed.

I look, I ask the, I go as far as I go. Do you understand? I go as far as, you know how people, you know how far I go? One mile, right? You know how people go the extra mile? I don't do that. I go one mile.

When people say, hey, how many miles do you go to get the job done? I'm already right there like this. I go one mile. Those fucking assholes. I will walk 500 miles. I will walk 500 miles and I will walk 500 more. Dude, me? I will

walk one mile and I won't walk another mile. I'll walk only one mile and not one step more. So yeah, so here's what the extra mile is on that expedition i i look for the queso fresco fresco whatever the fuck it's called i ask the grocer the grocer points to where it is. He walks me over. Grocer's always so fucking nice, right? All grocers I've ever been to and talked with, they will like literally walk.

Here. Hey, come here. Let me show you. I had a grocer once walk out of ShopRite and walk into another grocery store. Come here. It's over here. We don't have it. But here, come here.

Hop in. Here. Put the seatbelt on. Here, get out. They have it. Here you go. There it is. Greek yogurt. here get out they have it here you go there it is greek yogurt we don't have it there you go i'll walk back take the car home groceries are nice as shit dude so i'm like all i gotta do i know is ask where queso fresco k what is it what is it called crase go queso fresco is I'm like foghorn leghorn over here. Queso Fresco.

And she'll say, where's the Queso Fresco? And he goes like this. And I'm like. See, here's the thing, too. When you ask a grocery store person, what do you call them, grocers? What do you, where's the thing? First of all, I never know who's the actual real person to ask for this shit. Because you got two people.

You got the people who ring you up and the people who work in the back. And sometimes those people who work in the back come up and box stuff. And I'm like, I guess I'll ask them if they unbox this shit. But I don't know. Is that a real person? But here's the fucking twist. This is like the M. Night Shyamalan movie of it all. The people who work the checkout, they're also the people who work in the back.

So everybody who's a grocer has the same fucking job. Didn't know that until recently. I mean, yeah, work in the line might be your specialty, but it's all the same. Because they wear different shit sometimes, right? They have the apron on if they're dealing with meats or fish or yams or whatever the fuck. Or queso fresco. So I'm like, where's the queso fresco? And I ask him near the dairy shit.

So I'm like, he'll probably just be like right here. If not, he'll walk me over to the thing. So he goes like this. So I'm like, this guy doesn't even know he's standing next to the dairy shits. So he goes like, it should be here. Here, come here. And he walks over and I'm like, this guy doesn't even know he's standing next to the dairy shits. So he goes like, it should be here. Here, come here. And he walks over and I'm walking with him and he goes like this. Here's a roll of cheeses.

And I go, not what I asked. In my head, I'm like, not what I asked. So I say, that's where that mile stops. I say, okay. I don't go the extra mile because I asked the grocer where the shit was. He walked and he pointed and he said over here. And I go, okay, I don't do the extra mile, which is, can you show me where specifically? Because that's too much. The transaction is over.

You pointed where it is. So now it's up to me and i'm looking i see every cheese except for queso fresco and i do it for like 12 minutes and i'm looking and i'm so pissed and a fan comes by and gives me a very nice compliment and i say oh thank you very much and she walks away and i feel good but i'm also i'm like i hope i wasn't a dick i'm really just looking for this queso fresco i don't want her to think i wasn't a dick i hope she comes back and i can be like thank you again so she knows i'm a nice person and i don't find it but i do find fucking cheese that is uh a blend it's like a tri-blend of mexican cheese i'm like that sound queso fresco she said the mexican thing and then them and then fresco is mexican

and so i'm getting the mexican tri-cheese shit and i'm getting it i'm getting a whole bag of it i get like it's like four pounds i almost got a throat over my shoulder and i get here and she's like and i was like i didn't get the queso fresco i want you to understand that this is what i got and it's mexican it's fine it's gonna be fine because i looked up what you put queso fresco on and it's like i saw that shit and when i and and i don I don't like that white powdery cheese, so I think I actually did a good job not getting the queso fresco. I got the real shit that we should have got, so it's fine. I did some ingenuity shit.

That's not the extra mile. I did not go the extra mile, but I did some enrichment on it, right? So she's like, that's totally fine, but this bag is so big. And I'm like, what you're not going to do is talk about the good shit I did like it's a bad thing. Too much cheese is also the right amount of cheese. But she's my angel, right? And this is a comedy podcast. She didn't complain. But I am now so i go you're welcome but you got too much cheese you're welcome right so

she's making dinner now and i can't wait to fucking eat that chicken bowl dude i can't wait to eat that chicken bowl dude Dude, she made beef stew the other night, man, and she just kind of got on this cooking kick, and I ate that beef stew. Dude. It was so good, and I'm like not even a beef stew guy. You understand? Yeah, it had rice in it, and rice is my shit, dude. But we put that fucking beef stew on that rice and just made it, and fucking all the... Oh is my shit, dude. But we put that fucking beef stew on that rice and just made

it and fucking all, oh my God, dude. I'm just like, maybe I'm a beef stew guy now, but I'm not, but it was so good. And I say, oh, nothing like a home cooked meal. And she's like, yeah, I would cook more. I just, I forget how much I like it. It's just the setup and the deconstructing part that I don't like. And I was like, yeah. And that's why the dishes were in the dish, the sink for a full day. And I didn't do my duties because I didn't want to do it because sometimes the pots are too big and I can only fit like one in the dishwasher. And so I got to do like, I got to do it multiple times and it's really fucking annoying and it's all good. I did my part.

I did the dishes before I did the podcast and it's fine. But let me tell you something right now, dude. Thank you. Because I was having like a weird day and I just mean on my insides. I don't even mean outwardly. I don't mean with people. I wasn't getting into any arguments. I was just in my head mentally and I was feeling a bit of anxiety and I go, I literally thought I can't wait till I do my podcast because I know that that's going to fix it and get me distracted. And sure enough, baby, sure enough, it did. And I thank you guys for that because you're here for me and you're just as important as, as important as I am for this podcast, even though I'm just saying that because mostly I'm more important because I'm the one actually doing the podcast.

saying that because mostly I'm more important because I'm the one actually doing the podcast. It's loud by design. I made it louder. It might be leveled out when we don't do one, but it was loud in my earphones. But yeah, dude. We love it. Come see me in Boston, November 12th.

Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. I like watching horror movies, you know. I like thrillers the most. Those are my favorite type of movies. And, you know, I go on Apple. Sometimes I see the movies I could rent. Sometimes I go on Amazon Prime and I see the bullshit bad movies I can watch that like Eric Roberts were in in 1990.

And if he's got a machine gun, I mean, dude, if I see a movie and the cover is Eric Roberts and he's holding some sort of gun, dude, try to get me not to click on that and sit down for two hours just try the bigger the gun the quicker the click um so i'm surfing around i'm with my friend david sullivan he's the one who has the andrew jackson hair by the way it gets recognized from the vlogs we do on tour report and if you go to my Chris Lea channel and subscribe, like and subscribe. By the way, like and subscribe here, guys. We're still stuck at 596. And we're trying to, you know, there's a conspiracy going on. They're keeping us thwarted.

So I'm searching around on the Apple shit. And I see this movie. And it's called, now, if you've seen this movie, you know where this is going, but you probably have not seen this movie, okay? It's called Speak No Evil. I look at the cover. It's just like a sunset and there's like shadowy figures in the distance

and I'm like, huh, what's this about? So I Google it. Let me Google it because I want like, huh, what's this about? So I Google it. Let me Google it because I want to, wait, no, not see no evil, speak no evil, right? Speak no evil. And I read, a Danish family, now I'm already hooked because those Danes, dude, the Danish people just already I'm in because this is a thriller. I love it because Danish people, you don't really think about them being, okay, so okay. But maybe they're extra weird with the, okay.

A Danish family visits a Dutch family. And then I go, oh, okay. In this case, two weirds connect. Key. Lock it. Throw it away. To get out of the room, I got to call that guy who's talking about white dudes in jail, taking it up the anus.

So I am locked in this room with the idea of a Danish family going to visit a Dutch family. And I think that this is a thriller. So I go, David found it. And he goes, what, man? He was probably sleeping because he's always fucking tired or eating. And I read the rest of the synopsis. I say, read this. A Danish family visits a Dutch family.

They met on a holiday. What was supposed to be, now that's where I'm cemented. If I see the world, what was supposed to be in a title, I know shit goes wrong in a movie. I know I thought one thing and not only did I think one thing, but the people in the movie thought one thing and I know something crazy is about to happen, but the people in the movie don't and I'm a step ahead of the people in the movie thought one thing and i know something crazy is about to happen but the people in the movie don't and i'm a step ahead of the people in the movie i know some secrets right so it says what was supposed to be an idyllic weekend slowly starts unraveling as the danes start uh as the danes try to stay and i gotta click on the thing god damn it um as the danes try to stay polite in the face of unpleasantness

dude and i'm just like but a thriller i go like this so this movie is about people danish people this is the tagline this is the synopsis they chose the danes try to stay polite in the face of unpleasantness they didn't say during this harrowing adventure they didn't say from the duchess terrifying them. They said they try to stay polite in the face of unpleasantness. Now, what is unpleasantness? Now, I'm thinking, what are the things that are unpleasant? Bad breath. Nausea. uh you know um nausea a window's open and it's too cold and you don't want to get up to close it right and i'm like that doesn't sound so great a dutch and two americans sitting pretty dude from

jump so i turn it on and when i tell you now i watching a movie. This is what the movie's about. And I'm not going to ruin this movie for you because I guess this is, in a way, me reviewing this movie. And I think this is an important thing to talk about on the podcast. I know it's not just another movie review. But I'm watching the movie, and it starts with this tone of terror, right? And what I mean by that is it's just showing a guy at a pool with his wife. And another guy shows up at the resort and says, hey. He points to the chair with the guy's stuff on it and says, can I use this chair? Are you using it?

And the guy goes like this. Yeah, you know what? Yeah, okay. and takes his stuff off gives the guy the chair now he obviously didn't want to do it but he was being polite and and that's just something that we all deal with so i go like this oh i'm in this movie in a way but the music and the score is music and score that would be in a horror movie so i'm like but a thriller though guys is asking him for his chair dude when i and if you're a fan of mine you know if i see some shit like this i'm all in dude right the movie continues for an hour and a half and it's just this kind of shit that happens for an hour and 20 minutes

like the girl says she's a vegetarian and they invite them to hang out with them later on in the year and they stay at this cabin with them on a holiday and they're like the first thing they do is like you got to try this boar and she's like no that's okay and he's like not try it right and you basically like you know it's a suggestion but he's like, nah, try it, try it, and he basically like, you know It's a suggestion, but he's like Kind of forcing it, and she's like, okay, and she eats it And this happened for an hour And a half, these weird things that are

Happening with the fucking music That would be in Like You know Sicario, not a horror movie, but like You know, Sicario, not a horror movie, but like, you know, like that shit. And I look over to David like 40 minutes in and I say to him and I'm on the edge of my seat. I say to him, I was like, why is this so, how is this terrifying?

Nothing is happening. And I'm like scared. and he goes like this boy i don't know man it's just really unnerving you know and i was like it is unnerving he says really unnerving man and we keep saying it for the next it's unnerving man really unnerving i'm like it is unnerving isn't it and I sit and it's an hour into the movie. And I go like this, this movie, I hope it holds up through the end because this movie is, if this keeps going, it's a masterpiece. And I'm not, dude, I don't say movies or songs or shit or masterpieces. I am so hooked in on this movie. And it's so good.

And I relate to it so much. But also it's terrifying. And they're just chilling. I don't get it. Now, I'm not ruining this movie. But an hour and 30 minutes into the movie, something happens in the movie that's a scene. And it is the most, and I say this not lightly, it is the most horrific thing I have ever seen in cinema. It is so, I dare to say, traumatizing.

It's so bad. For me, I'm 42. People get trauma when they're like four. I think it traumatized me. I'm 42. People get trauma when they're like four. I think it traumatized me. I'm 42. And I go like this, yo, David, Hey, David, tell me what happens. I'm out for about a minute and a half. And he's watching it. He stands up, puts his hand on his head. He goes, Oh no, man. Oh no. And I say, what's happening's happening and he says exactly what you think's happening man and I say I actually don't think it's happening because no movie would ever have this happening and he says well it's happening man and he sits down and I look at his face before I see the movie

and I look and his face is even whiter than it fucking is normally. And he's from fucking Texas. And I say, are you kidding me? I have trauma now. We rode out to the end of the movie and I did not watch the part that I turned my head in. And at the end, also something at the end and something really weird happens to that. I had to turn my head for a little bit. But my point is this. I get get mad i get mad at this movie because i'm like man i was watching this whole thing and i was into it and i don't want to have to see this horrific thing i'm a dad now i

can't watch this shit and i'm mad and then i realize I'm mad because what the fuck, man? These people who are going through all this weird shit, they should have just fucking said something. They should have left the fucking house, but I wasn't, you know, being like a black person in the movie theater, like, no, don't go in there. I was keeping it inside, and if they just said something i wouldn't fucking have to see that bullshit and i'm just so invested man and maybe black people have it right dude because they're saying this shit and these people got into this predicament because they weren't saying shit they just let shit happen and keep happening and that's why this movie is this fucking most terrifying

movie i've ever seen because these people didn't didn't do what they know they should have done dude and for that reason this movie is still one of the best movies i've ever seen in my entire life i will say that one scene is so horrific that i wish i didn't see the movie that's how that's how horrific that scene is and this is how good the movie is and fuck man kristin taft drop the director of this movie you are one fucked up dude. And you know it. And you know it because you made two other movies that are fucking extremely fucked up. And I watched another one, too, because of my OCD. I had to watch the next one the next day.

And it's called A Horrible Woman. And obviously, you have sedentary ratios, but I had to watch it because, you know, I fucking love that movie. And you got another one, Parents. It's called Parents. And these parents go and they fucking, whatever you fucking look it up but that's the scariest thing in life is not saying and doing the shit that you wish you would have done and that coupled with this horror made it i mean this guy the way it unfolds holy shit so i am telling you two things it is without a doubt and i've sat with this movie for days already so i know it's true because usually i don't decide if i like a movie or not right away i have to let it sit with me

this is one of without a doubt one of the greatest movies i've ever seen in my life and i am also telling you don't watch it and now you're all gonna fucking watch it because you know but don't and i'm not i don't say this to be cute you know i've decided not i was i mean i won even mention it, but it's just too good. Anyway, dude. This guy. Kristen Taftrup. The movies he makes.

Unreal. Hmm. I can't watch certain things now that I have a fucking... kid, you know? It's tough. Saw the movie Horrible Woman that he also did. And it about some woman who like manipulates a dude and keeps manipulating him and it's crazy wild man it's good dude this guy's a great filmmaker for those two movies i'm gonna watch this other one next it's called parents that was the first one he did um man yeah it was a ride, bro.

Let's look at this Jeremy Fragrance thing because this guy is just... I'm the number one. I'm the champion. I'm the best. Wow. Nobody has done what I have done in my field. I'm Jeremy Fragrance,

the number one Fragrance icon. I did 1,000 push-ups in one hour on the Fifth Avenue. I'm the number one. I'm Jeremy Fragan, the number one Fragan's icon. I did 1,000 push-ups in one hour on the Fifth Avenue. I'm the number one. I'm the champion. Unreal, dude. On the Fifth Avenue. Wow, this guy is... I'm the number one.

I'm the champion. I'm the best. Nobody has done what I have done in my field. I'm Jeremy Fragan, the number one Fragan's icon. I did 1, 1000 push-ups in one hour on the fifth avenue i'm the number one i'm the champion dude 1000 push-ups in one hour is that what he said that's said so many right oh yeah Guy's pretty ripped, but he's still got like a kid face, you know? Dude, I don't like when guys with kid faces get older, like the actors that were like

popping when they were 22 and shit, and then they get older and you're like, oh, that's what you look like now? That's fucking weird, right? But this guy did it, I mean, in my field, which is his field is sniffing. His field is sniffing good perfume. I did a lot of, I did a 1,000 push-up. I mean, the guy does coke, right? For sure, dude.

Let's watch this again. I'm the number one. I'm the champion. I'm the best. Nobody has done what I have done in my field. I'm Jeremy Fragrance, the number one Fragrance icon. I did 1,000 push-ups in one hour on the Fifth Avenue. I'm the number one.

I'm the champion. Wow, Avenue. I'm the number one. I'm the champion. Wow, dude. I'm the number one. I'm the champion. I did push-ups on the Fifth Avenue. Dude, hey, man, drop the. That's so foreign. That's what makes you the most foreign.

Oh, boy. oh boy the guy's just how about how uh takeoff was murdered man so sad rest in peace to take off dude those rappers were like you know it's it's so weird that these fucking what's weird is rappers keep dying and comedians keep dying. And comedians, maybe for their unhealthy living makes sense. Like if they're eating too much or drinking too much, you know, but like rappers keep dying because they get shot, which I guess, you know, they live the game too hard. But this guy didn't even do that. He's from Migos. It's like he doesn't. They were just like a party rap. You know, they would rap about some of the same shit that these other guys would rap about.

But like they were just like party guys. And I feel like they were good guys. I don't know. Maybe the one of them isn't a good guy, but not this one. This one was like takeoff was like just some dude that was like and he got shot at a dice game and he wasn't even doing the dice game.

Imagine you're at a dice game, not even doing the dice game and that's the last fucking experience you have. 28 years old and his brother is in the group. His brother's name is Quavo. He's Quavo from the group and I just fucking my heart goes out to him man these rappers like fucking uh well the other guys died just sitting idle too right um the uh the um the other one that everyone a lot of people pretended to like

after he died not that it'd be pretended to, but they were like about it, that they were about it. Nipsey Hussle. Really good, but like everyone celebrated him hardcore after he died. And it's like, we get it. You knew him first. You know what I mean? Guy was a good rapper, but he was just kind of chilling too. Not to say, you know, I think a lot of these guys, because I think he was like a reformed

gangster, I think was the thing with him. You think so? Yeah. And I'm not sure. But just like, fuck, man. Don't be rappers and comedians and firemen, man, those guys. Rappers, comedians, firemen, and just kind of general people, the general populace in Colombia. They don't have high expectation. Life expectancy.

Let's do some deserved scales and some Tinder things. What could go wrong playing football with cars? Oh, no. I mean, what? I mean, so uneventful. Just immediate one car. What an idiot. I mean,

just the people in the car just get out of the car. I mean, I mean, who would have thought cars driving towards each other very quickly in a straight line? That's an accident that's going to happen. Well, it's not even an accident. It's what you're meant to do. Look at these. Look, they're driving. Did they even slow down at all?

Oh, fuck. I mean, you can die from that. It's what you're meant to do. Look at these. Look, they're driving. Did they even slow down at all? Oh, fuck. I mean, you can die from that. What's the goal? What is this? Football with cars. Is that like a thing? Football with cars. I'm going to Google it. Because this is crazy. Deserve it scale. I mean, that's not even funny. That because this is crazy deserve it scale i mean that's

not even funny that's sad deserve it scale i'm gonna okay that's deserve a scale i'm gonna look up football with cars though rocket soccer derby oh that's a video game right got it car football here's another one volks. The thing that's different about a verbal... No. Why am I not signed in? I'm pissed. Here we go. This is the gauntlet thrower in question.

It's called... This will get us demonetized. Here we go. We're off. It's a game of football. The Brazilian skill was immediately obvious. What? But the Igos hadn't lost their touch. Fantastic dribbling by man number one. So dangerous. What?

So dangerous. What? Jesus. Jesus. Don're all over it. Like a cheap suit. Jesus. Don't be doing that. I'm going to put this under the Deserve a Scale thing so you know the link. Um. Jesus. That's fucked up.

Okay, here's another what could go wrong. What could go wrong hanging onto a bridge. Wow. Wow. Look at the chick. The back of this chick is the chick that would do this. a bridge wow look at the chick the back of this chick is the chick that would do this hell yeah dude you're not gonna be able to hold on to that you fall down why is she doing it

dude yeah if i was walking above the bridge, I'd go like this Oh my god Oh my god Wow, so good, idiot Idiots deserve it, scale 8 The first thing is Luckily she didn't injure her legs Injured It's foreign

Dude If a fucking If my friend did that oh dude no i would not stop and i would be laughing the whole way the rest of the time that is so lovely that that happened i would love it um i can't believe these people i guess i would i don I guess I would have never done anything like this. When you leave your bike on the road to join a fight. Oh, no, dude. So there's a fight. Guy gets off the bike. Did a jump kick.

What a misdirection, dude. The kid jumped off the bike and fucking started pouncing on the other guy. And then the car ran over the bike, dude. Deserve it is good. That's a high one. That's 10. There we go. Let's get in.

Of course, they have soccer jerseys on because it's a foreign place. Oh, wow. He's helping his friend. I like that. Wow, dude. That's great. Had no idea that was coming. I wonder if that was a real fight or not.

I hope it was. Well, I don't want people fighting, but... Makes it funnier if it was. Guy thought he was being a hero. Lost his bike. What could go wrong shooting at an aerosol can? Oh, get out of here, dude. It was at this moment that he knew.

He fucked up. Oh, dude, there's so many people in that room. Did that just... Is that how they make people? Hey. It was at this moment that he knew. He fucked up. Those people, that's how you make people. Two people were made.

Wow, that's unbelievable, dude. Two people were made. They came from Arizona. Where you come from? Sacramento. Where you come from? Where you come from, Sacramento? Where you come from, aerosol? Aerosol and a bullet. Solivili Bully. I told that story on air before, right? When I was in New York

and I would go to this place called Silver Bullet and the guy would always fucking pick up and go, Solivili Bully. Yeah, he's nodding at me. Ivan is nodding at me. He knows. Solivili Bully. I didn't understand how they got that extra syllable in there.

Here we go. While showing. What could go wrong while showing off? Here we go. Oh, these are the best. The, Lividly Bully. I didn't understand how they got that extra syllable in there. Here we go. While showing. What could go wrong while showing off? Here we go. Oh, these are the best. The showing off ones are the best. Oh, in car. Look at these idiots.

Poor other guy, dude. Just fucking. What a moron. Who's videoing, you know? Oh, fucking... Idiots, dude. Like, don't be... I don't understand this shit, man.

I was never... I never want to drive fast in cars. I don't, I don't understand this shit, man. I was never that. I never, I never want to drive fast in cars. I know. And I have fast car. I have a fast car. I'm a fast car. And I don't care.

I've gone over a hundred one time, dude, once. And it was barely over a hundred. I don't care. Yes. I know I live in LA and I don't take the, I don't go fast like that, but like, why dude? I just don't do it, man. I like a nice engine i like the way a car looks but like i'm not trying to get fucking real fast the potholes alone but i just i don't do it i don't understand people go so fucking fast man it's not fun especially you ever been in a car

someone else is driving fast dude i can't do that i want to shit myself i'm i have the lack of control now i'm not even the best driver don't tell my wife because there's no i am but like she always says i'm not a good driver and i always disagree with her but i'm not the best driver but like dude i do the fucking if i'm not in control of it um i i dude i'm too scared one time i had a buddy um that was uh we ate food and then he wanted to go to jack in the Box and he was just a menace, right? And he was like, let's go to Jack in the Box, got Jack in the Box, bought Jack in the Box, started eating Jack in the Box as he was driving me home. And he says, he's on the freeway. And he was so crazy. He was like, I'm not going to take the wheel. You better take the wheel. I'm going

to take the wheel no matter what. And I was like, come on, man. He's like, you take the wheel. I'll just let it swerve. It'll hit the wall for all. I don't care. And I was like, fuck, man, come on, dude. And I didn't grab the wheel. And he grabbed it at the last second and we swerved and we're in the freeway and then I was like man that guy's crazy I was like I think that might have to be the last time I hang out with that guy because he was so like doing shit like that and fucking and in like a year he ended up committing you know I don't want to say it because it's sad and I want to trigger people but he ended up like you know ending his ending his life. And that sucks, dude. Well, that was sad.

I didn't mean to be so sad, but like, yeah. I don't like going fasting cards. Maybe it's from that. But even before that, I didn't like it. But now I definitely don't. Prey Improv, I'll be there. New Year's Eve, Boston, I'll be there very soon. November 12th, Boston, Massachusetts, we added a show.

Lakeland, Florida, Jacksonville, Florida, San Diego, California, Seattle, San Antonio, Portland. These are the ones that are coming up. So go to chrisalia.com, get your tickets. Okay, that's the end of the episode for YouTube. If you want to catch the raw, uncut, unedited version, go on over to our Patreon, patreon.com.chrisalia. And we have about 18 episodes also

that are on our Patreon that are not available to the public. So you can go and get those right now for only $6. Just go to patreon.com slash chrisdalia. And we also do segments called Review Mode. And we have a bunch of stuff over there. So go check it out. Did a podcast with Kristen. Thank you very much.