Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 286. You Get A Warlord: The Thanksgiving Episode

Episode Date: November 24, 2022

🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia 👉 Head to DietSmoke.com and use code "CONGRATS" for 20% off your ENTIRE order It's Thanksgiving! Chris serves up some childhood memories, thoughts on what OJ is up to, and well wishes on Nick Cannon's ever expanding family. Plus a history lesson on the first Thanksgiving! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys and welcome to another episode of congratulations I am uh you know it's Thanksgiving coming up here. I believe this show will be coming up before Thanksgiving. And you guys, I hope you're celebrating with nice, lovely family members and all that stuff and close friends. And remember, don't call it Friendsgiving because that's annoying. It's just Thanksgiving with friends, right? So you can do that. And that's beautiful.

Christmas is coming up. Before we get into that, though, I will be in different cities. Crystalia.com, San Diego, January 7th, two shows, Portland, Oregon, Seattle, Washington, Lakeland, Jacksonville, Florida, Lakeland, Florida, Jacksonville, Florida, and Daytona, San Antonio, Sugarland, Texas, New Orleans, Providence, Rhode Island, New York, New York, Chicago, Kansas City, Missouri. There's a bunch of different ones.

Midland, Texas, all the way through Minneapolis and Austin and Boise. Jesus, I'm doing a lot. Cincinnati, Ohio. And then I'll be also, I'm doing dates even in the Brea Improv. So go to chrisalia.com and get your tickets. And you can get your merch too for Black Friday and all that going on.

We got deals and deals. We got that flannel that came out that looks hot for the fucking fall. Chrysalia.com. Go to merch. Get some merch. Makes great gifts for fucking holidays too. And we even have gift cards. You know what I mean?

So it's pretty fucking silly to have gift cards, but we got gift cards. I do hope that you're with loved ones. I always hope you're with loved ones, okay? I always hope you're with loved ones. Being with loved ones is absolutely amazing. You don't get to choose who's in your family. So I get it if you're not with them during Thanksgiving,

but also I hope you're with them. And also if you're not with them and you don't want to be with them, I hope you're with fucking beautiful friends or you made a little family of your own like I did. Making families is dope as shit, right? People just make people.

It's crazy. Really, really makes you realize how small we are on this earth, though, when you think about how many people are on this earth, though, when you think about how many people are in this world, right? There's like 7 billion and that's way too many. I mean, you ever been to Costco? How many people are in there? 45? 70? I don't know. How many employees are working at Costco at once? 20? 40? I don't know. Costco is so fucking big. Ikea. How many people are on Ikea at once? How many people are on Ikea at once?

A hundred? I have no idea. They sell Swedish meatballs there. That's absolutely fucking insane. To sell meatballs and also sell parts to furniture. So disgusting. And both of them are equally as wet your appetite is equal. Because the Swedish meatballs are absolutely disgusting at Ikea.

Um, also yellow and blue together. Absolutely. It looks fucking terrible and you know it, uh, unless you're the Ram. So welcome to congratulations. We love having you here. Um, I really appreciate you guys. I'm very grateful.

Thanksgiving is upon us. You know, we've done a lot of Thanksgiving episodes here at Congratulations, maybe three or four. We've done a lot of different episodes here at Congratulations. You know, this is like a 200 and 900 episode. And I really started thinking, what is Thanksgiving? Because I don't really know what the fuck it is. I know people came to America and like slaughtered some Indians and pretended it was like not that. And they wear belts on their hats and, uh, you know, which is weird, right? To have

a fucking buckle straight on your forehead, you dumb, dumb idiots. But, uh, some of those guys were our ancestors, I guess. And Canada and America celebrates Thanksgiving. Now they do it differently, right? Canadian Thanksgiving is in October, I think. And Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving is in November. So I thought I'd Google Thanksgiving because you don't ever really do the simple shit. But you have to if you're a dad, right? Like Calvin asked me stuff that I don't even think about that I know the answer to, but I haven't thought about it in fucking 40 years.

Now, I learned about what Thanksgiving is. But if somebody were to say, what is Thanksgiving? I would just be like, it's in November and we eat turkey and stuffing and argue with your family. So I Googled it. What is Thanksgiving and why do we celebrate it? Now, I just Googled Thanksgiving and that was the first question that comes up, which means it's a bunch of dum-dums. It's a bunch of dum-dums in the world. Not just me, it's a bunch of dum-dums. Well, not in the world, even though they are in the world because America is the micro to the macro of the world, but in America, it's a bunch of dum-dums because that's the first thing that

was Googled when you Google Thanksgiving. Now, they could be Ukrainian. They could be Botswanan. They could be from Africa. They could be from China. They could be from penguins from Antarctica Googling this. I guess that could be why it pops up. But mostly, it's probably Americans thinking, wait, what is it again? So, it's a bunch of dum-dums. Thanksgiving Day, annual national holiday in the United States and Canada, celebrating the

harvest and other blessings of the past year. It's pretty general, pretty vague, and seems like a fucking bullshit reason to slaughter a bunch of Indians, but Americans generally believe that their Thanksgiving was modeled on a 1621 harvest feast shared by the English colonist pilgrims of Plymouth and the Wampanoag people. Those are the Indians, right? Now, that seems like a very nice glossed over version of what Thanksgiving is. Thanksgiving is a national. All right. Oh, look at this.

Canada. Wait, hold on. Thanksgiving is a national holiday celebrated on various dates in the United States, Canada, Granada, St. Lucia, and Liberia um weird one to throw in there at the end and it began as a day of giving thanks for the blessings of harvest and of the preceding year okay cool yeah thanksgiving cool similar name festival holidays occur in germany and japan wow imagine thanksgiving Thanksgiving in Japan? Just showing up and just fucking muckbanging it. Is that racist?

Let's go to the Wikipedia. Oh, here we go. What is the true meaning of... Look at this. 1637 is the true origin of Thanksgiving. Since the Massachusetts Bay Colony's governor, John Win Winthrop declared a day to celebrate colonial soldiers who had just slaughtered hundreds of Picot men, women, and children.

That is now Mystic, Connecticut. Okay. God, so sad. Look at this. The real history. The true story behind Thanksgiving is a bloody one and some people say it's time to cancel the holiday well of course they do right I have a buddy Mitchell Jones and he eats pizza on Thanksgiving because he's like fuck that shit

they slaughtered so many people it has turned into a time of family and food it really goes to show you though what time heals all right like now it's just we were like yes thanksgiving when it was in actuality was like so you never know uh what people will morph the holocaust into in uh you know 300 years it could just be like you know yeah fucking you know it could be jews giving coming up soon and you don't even know about it and then the people are like you know they killed a bunch of jews and it was a even know about it and then the people are like you know they killed a bunch of Jews and it was a Hitler was like this guy and people are like yeah don't ruin my fucking shit I want to eat stuffing um Thanksgiving is in the U.S. is traditionally a time for family and food American schools don't typically learn that shit uh story goes friendly

this is the story friendly American Indian locals swooped in to teach the struggling colonists how to survive in what the Europeans called the New World. Then everyone got together to celebrate a feast in 1621. That's what I learned as a kid. I remember the pictures of the guy with the fucking belt on his hat and another dude in a headdress sharing a turkey leg. I remember that one of them was holding a musket. The other one was holding a bow and arrow at ease, a spear at ease. And the Indian kid was playing with the colonialists.

I remember it. I remember that mural. I remember people painted murals. I remember painting a mural on a King's grocery store window. As a freshman, I was good at art. There were other, no, not a freshman because i was already in los angeles i was in let's see fucking a young grade and the other fifth graders were killing it and they asked me to do it because i was a good artist whatever uh i painted kings my mom

was real happy dude i painted kings uh the window of kings and my mom was real happy that i did it we drove by and it felt really good that i did it and uh so go eat that shit all right motherfuckers man i felt good and it was cute all right i was about eight years old or 10 years old and i painted the shit out of the side windows of the king's grocery store in new jersey all right near the movie theater so go fuck yourself all right yeah sometimes i did things that made me feel good and i've got a heart i'm like the grinch but also my heart grows at the end of that movie uh and then one time i took a break from eating eating took a break from painting and i was with a dude that was older and we were eating at the cozy end and we were eating and then i i undid the salt and uh put the, what do you call it, the tissue in the salt and put it over the holes so you couldn't tell that it was clogged.

And I screwed it back on and I left it there. And then the older kid was like, you like messing with people, huh? And I was like, I don't know. Yeah. He was like, psh. So I went and never forgot it. And I think about it all the time because he had uh tail ham and eggs uh one time my mom yelled at me instead of my brother uh because we got in trouble

my brother did something and she goes christopher and i said i didn't do it oh matthew i mean and i was like now you gotta yell at him she's like no it's over and i got fell i fell slighted dude that's life anyway i don't mean to you know digress let's get back into this thanksgiving thing dude i remember that mural is what i'm saying i remember that mural wow thanksgiving 2021 was the 400th anniversary of that first american thanksgiving but in reality thanks this is on the insiderider. They lie a lot, but this is it. But in the reality, Thanksgiving feasts predate Plymouth, and the peace celebrated that day

was tenuous. The real story. Do you think I could do that? I could actually do books like that? The real story behind the holiday is so dark, in fact, that some people are rethinking how they celebrate the holiday

or whether they should at all. I'm turning into the dude from fucking Dateline. So that wasn't the first they're saying. It was in 1619, according to National Geographic. And National Geographic doesn't lie. You know how they don't lie

because they show pictures of people with the long necks and the fucking, the gold things that stretch the shit out and the saucers in the fucking, the African tribes and the saucers in their bottom lips. And they fucking, they fuck each other and their mating dance

is this. You ever see that African tribe with their mating dances like this? I'm not even lying. That's what it is. They just try, because teeth, having really nice teeth is really sexy, I guess. And they just go. It's like the most insecure mating dance.

But, dude, the dudes see that and they get fucking, you know, and then slide in that wetness because the chicks are like. That's what they do. It's not even, I'm not lying. Look it up. That's some African tribe shit. And I'm,

you know, honestly, I'm all for it, dude. I can't think of anything that would turn me on more than a woman just going for no reason. If she had nice teeth, dude, and I'm being dead serious.

Oh, good. Got problems with dead serious. No, I don't have problems. How about that? I do have problems, but that's not one of them because that would mean that i was racist i'm not racist that's what african tribes do if you have a problem with what me and african tribes do then you're racist dude

if you're a problem what i do with that because that's what african tribes do so you're racist if you're mad at me for that um but anyway uh 1619 they're saying now is the real first thanksgiving uh and the meal was probably a little more than some oysters and ham thrown together. So disgusting. Could you imagine a worse meal than ham and then also oysters? Unhealthy. But it wasn't processed back then. So decades before that, Spanish settlers and members of the Siloy tribe broke bread in Florida with salted pork.

Yum, dude. Garbanzo beans and a mass in 1565. I mean, how far back does this goddamn go? Start with the beginning, dude. I don't like when fucking things are like, hey, this is what it wasn't, and neither was this, and neither was this.

This is what it was. And neither was this And neither was this This is what it was Start it where it starts How far back we going, dude? Our modern definition of Thanksgiving Revolves around eating turkey Nice Dark meat is popping White meat is even more popping

If it's not dry If it's dry, dark meat is more popping But this is more of an occasion for religious observance in past centuries. Okay, fine. Here we go. The pilgrims would most likely consider their sober 1623 day of prayer for the first actual Thanksgiving for the first year of Massachusetts blog. You know what, dude?

Here we go. know what dude here we go the enduring holiday was erased from our collective memory what happened between wham panog and the english generation later okay so wow uh sooit, this is important guys. We got, this is American history, baby. The Wampanoag Paramount chief allied with the English settlers of Plymouth was established and fought with the newcomers against the French and other local tribes. But the alien alliance became strained over time. As a thousands more English colonists moved to Plymouth, taking over more land. Yeah, see?

Authorities asserted control over most aspects of Wampanoag life. Yeah. A study published. Okay. Oh, wait, there was a... A study published in the journal Quaternary Science Reviews estimated that disease had already reduced the New England indigenous population by 90%. Jesus Christ.

That's the first COVID. They needed to get vaccinated. They called it Indian fever, which definitely would be racist now at this point. I mean, you couldn't even fucking mention China when it had to do with COVID. Otherwise, you were... This is crazy so they just killed the the wampanoag warriors responded with raids and the new england confederation of colonies declared war in 1675 so they were there for a bit the war was bloody and devastating so really there was a Thanksgiving, and then what happened was the people who lived there

got a little bit pissed off. And I understand that, dude. They were like, the colonists were like the mother-in-law or the fucking cousins that won't, they're like, yo, dude, why don't you stay at my place? Yeah, stay at it for a little bit. And then they do, and then they're eating your shit. And you're like, you didn't really put the stuff back. It's fine, but just next time put it back.

And they're like, oh, my bad, dude. I fell asleep right after. And you're like, okay, cool. And then later on that happens again, and you're like, excuse me, colonists that live here in my place, it's getting out of control. I'm getting pissed off.

And then it led to fisticuffs, really. But it led to very violent fisticuffs because if you're in an open area and this shit is going on, and we're not talking about your house, but we're talking about land, then you get really, really, really involved. You're like, this is my birthright, right? I didn't just build this house. But I, me and my family, we have been here since the dawn of time. here since the dawn of time and you're just gonna come in here with all your buckles and shit and you're gonna fucking try to take it from us yeah you got guns but dude we go crazy yeah you got crazy but dude have you ever heard a scalp taken

oh i know you got shit that'll put us on our backs real quick, but how about this? I got shit that'll put you on yours slowly. See, that's what I would have been like if I was an Indian. Somebody encroached in my territory. It's all good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, break some fucking wings off. Eat it. Go ahead.

Have some wine. Look at that. Hey, chill out by the campfire. I got a tent that's barely used over there. And check out that wigwam. But hold up, though. It's been a month. So now what?

You pulling your weight? So now what? You hoeing out there? And I don't mean fucking ho-ho-ho. I mean hoeing. That meant a whole different shit back then. What's going on? Hey, did you fuck my wife?

No? I asked my wife about it, and she said you fucked her in the wigwam. So now I'm getting pissed off because you're encroaching. And also, I've been here, motherfucker. So now what do we do? Oh, you got guns, though. Oh, shit, you could end my life real quick. Me as the Indian goes like this.

I'll put you on your back real slow. We've got dull tomahawks. I'll put you on your back real slow. We've got dull tomahawks. We've got bows and arrows. You know how many have to hit you before you get... We're not that good of a shot. Oh, we got fucking clumsy guys in our squad. Oh, shit. Hey, pilgrim, we got clumsy guys in our tribe.

We'll shoot you up near the shoulder. Oops. We'll shoot you in the back of the calf. Whoops. Aw, did that graze your rib cage? Whoops. Try 40 of those. And then I'll scalp you.

And then I'll collect you And then I'll collect them Right Because Indians would just carry scalps around Like don't fuck with me So you end my life quick But you Uh yeah

So I don't know. It's crazy, though, because of Thanksgiving and because the, you know, they had that war. Now we all exist. So it's a bit weird, right? It's a bit weird to be like, yo, Thanksgiving is bullshit because it was bloodshed, but then also it's why we're here. So, in a way, you kind of have to give thanks, even though it sucks for the people that aren't here, right? I guess there's a lot less Indians because of it. And then Americans are like, well, just give them casinos, I guess, every now and then.

If it's on their land, fuck it. Just give them. Look, yeah, that's the best part. Yeah, give the Indians casinos where more white people show up. More disrespectful white people show up. more disrespectful white people show up, just coughing all over their fucking land, just sitting down, fatty shit, pulling this. Yeah, I've never been to a casino too where I didn't see a few people with only one arm. Like for some reason, that is one arm city, dude. When you go to a casino, all you got to do is look around a little bit,

and you'll see people with less limbs than normal. I don't know what it is about, you know, they really want to press their luck, but they can only press it with one arm. It's just crazy because that is very interesting. And that, go, go. Now, if you're at a casino right now, listening to congratulations, look around, do you see that guy,

there, that's the guy I'm talking about, how about that, you got fucking couples, old ass couples, just pulling the fucking levers, just pulling that lever, just waiting for 30 G's to roll out,

or whatever, five G's, I don't know man, it's weird what the world has come to, right? But, you know, what can I say? I'm a nihilist. I'm a nihilist, but I'm also hoping for the best. Like I said, I'm the Grinch with a small heart, but also it's growing.

It's at the end of the movie. I feel like I'm not at the end of my movie. I'm in the middle. You know? That's a great hope. So every now and then I have an emotional time in my life. Like if I break down and cry, which I do sometimes, full disclosure.'t like break it down and crying, but it's also necessary. Sometimes I do that. I wipe my tears and I go like this. That was a tremendous first act because it ain't over

motherfucker. It ain't over. It just, I'm just getting started, right? When any, wherever anyone happens, my heart gets broke. I fall down and I pick myself up, and I fucking wipe those tears away, I go like this. Well, that was a phenomenal first act. What I want you got in my heart. Dude, are you wiping away your tears? Yup. Well, that was a fucking phenomenal first act. And then it's me just outdoors, just drinking coffee,

meeting people, having a good time, buying a suit, you know? Because life gets hard, man, especially during the holidays. You ever deal with that seasonal depression? Motherfucker, dude. That seasonal depression, a.k.a. depression. Dude, out to lunch. Get out. I wonder what OJ's life is like right now, for real.

I'm honest. Like being dead honest. Like right now, what does he do for Thanksgiving? Who's around him? Because people love, everyone has people that love them, right? And here's the thing. He was acquitted, but also he was assumed that he did do it, and he just got off off a technicality or some shit because johnny

cochran was like you know you can't arrest this black dude i think that was actually what he said you can't arrest this black dude see bro and uh one fire literally is leaving leaving the studio right now in the middle of it so disrespectful one fire but he says he had he said he had a meeting what could be more important than this fucking award-winning network TV show? But yeah, so OJ, yeah, I don't know. Some people think it was his son. If you ever look at that, look, I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I will say this, dude. If Calvin committed a crime like that, no, he didn't.

It was me. It was me that did it. Same DNA? Because it's my DNA. Oh, no, no, no, no. It wasn't him. It was me. Dude, I'll tell you right now. It was me that did it Same DNA? Because it's my DNA Oh no no no It wasn't him It was me Dude I tell you right now It was me

You know how that song I wanna be on the counter It wasn't me I make the song Fucking Your son stabbed her in the In the fucking Solar plexus

It was me That's how it goes Your son choked her in the living room It was me He gave her so much ricin It was me Your son caught her in the test It was me

Your son choked her in the neck It was me Your son gave her too much ricin It was me There he was just stabbing her all in the back and in the front too much ricin? It was me. Uh. There he was, just stabbing her all in the back and in the front. There he was, just choking her

neck and you can see the ligatures. It was me. Um. Yeah, dude. But what's his life like, man? He's on Twitter popping off, right? I don't know if he does Instagram. It's crazy. What do do these guys do how do you live that way i guess you got to keep living right i guess you just got to keep going you got to keep putting one foot in front of the other

it's fucking actually insane it's actually insane right because i think oj probably thinks he didn't do it remember that shit when he drove and? And people are like, remember when he drove away in the Bronco? And people are like, oh, if he wasn't guilty, he wouldn't drive away. Fuck all that, dude. Fuck all that. I do not agree with that. I don't agree with that at all. Al Cowlings drove him, right?

He didn't do it. So what about that? What was he guilty of? He was guilty of driving. He was guilty of taking his friend and just fucking driving into the sunset. Man, OJ had the gun. I would have pulled that trigger, I'll tell you, man. He's a stronger dude than I am. I would have pulled that trigger. Maybe that's the running back in him, dude. No, I could go another yard. Not me, dude. I go no more yards bang al cowling looks back oh fuck i don't mean to get so serious but jesus christ fuck all that man uh that was crazy i remember watching that on the little tv um in uh yeah in in the malets uh kitchen and they finally pulled him over, OJ. And I wonder what his life's like.

You have to find some real acceptance, man. Because I saw somebody once that was, there was like a clip of OJ walking down the street and someone was like, hi, OJ. It's really nice to meet you. Let me just shake your hand. And he's, oh, hello. And he shook her hand and she said,

yeah, I've never actually shook a hand with a murderer before. Thanks. And he okay oh okay you know crazy what if he didn't do it wow i feel like in hundreds of years in hundreds of years we're gonna be able to get DNA from people's bodies, no matter how old they are, like decompose, whatever bones and shit. You take a little bit, you stick it in a program.

And I think in a hundreds of years, maybe thousand years, you will be able to see all of their thoughts. That's what I think. And you will be able to see, uh, digitally what they've done. And I think we're going to realize that so many people did some fucking bullshit.

That, I mean, dude, the human race is just deplorable. But I'll tell you what, dude. So are lizards. So are lizards. So at least we have houses. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, man. Whatever.

Shout out to OJ on Thanksgiving. Yeah. I don't know. It's pretty crazy. Hope everyone's with their family. I want a fucking Nick Cannon family is what I want. Just a big fucking Nick Cannon family. Guy's got 11 kids.

More? Another 12th one. Oh, I thought this was the 11th one. He's got 12 kids. More? Another 12th one. Oh, I thought this was the 11th one. He's got 12 kids, dude. Jesus. What's the oldest one and what's the youngest one? This guy was just popping them out. Different wives, right?

This next one is like the third or fourth child with her. So he's got a few baby moms. That's the kind of shit I want. A whole army. Man, those Thanksgiving must be popping But the problem with having more than like fucking three kids Is that one of them is going to end up hating you That's the thing

You could have two kids and work it out You have three kids, work it out You guys are getting four or five The dynamic changes, right? I loved having one brother Because everything that I loved I could share with one other person that I loved And it was beautiful

The connection is amazing If you watch my podcast Lifeline with my brother, you can tell we love each other. You know, we've got each other's back no matter what. And that's a beautiful thing. Kristen has her brother. It's just one-on-one and that's a beautiful thing. And that's not taking anything from somebody with three kids or you got two, three siblings or whatever. I think that's great too. But then you got the outlier sibling, right? Like you got two three siblings or whatever i think that's great too but then you got the outlier sibling right like you got the two kids and then the one other one or the three kids and then the one other one right and the one other one is always the one that's like yeah i don't

know if i can make it thank this thanksgiving i gotta do a lot of work and also secretly in his head i don't really like coming anything i'm in massachusetts now or whatever i don't know if i could just be doing that shit um come in and and drop in my family i got a family and it's like you know so there's something to be said for a one-on-one motherfucker and i know if you're a one-on-one if you're two siblings i know you feel it now if you're twins all bets are off you're fucked that's it if you have twins that's it because if you have twins and then another kid later that other kid's fucked he doesn't have telepathy like you two do you punch one twin the other twin feels it

the other is like i don't you know i don't do I do? You guys look the same and you are the same in me. I'm just Kevin. That's sad as shit. If I was the brother of two twins, do you know what I would be? The most successful warlord straight up. I'd have deeper issues and problems. They would have telepathy together. So I would work on being a fucking warlord. And I'll tell you what, I wouldn't be a good one. Not that there are many good warlords, but I would be the most disrespectful, bloodiest warlord of all time. And it's all my parents' fault for having me because they had twins too, and they should have stopped right there. So now guess what, Mom and Dad? You get a warlord. You get a warlord. You get a warlord.

You get a warlord. Reach under your seat. That's a warlord for you. You get a warlord is a great title. It's also the Thanksgiving episode, so it's kind of odd, but whatever. You get a warlord. The Thanksgiving episode is what it's also the Thanksgiving episode, so it's kind of odd, but whatever. You get a warlord. The Thanksgiving episode is what it's called. Uh, yeah, man, the bloodiest warlord.

That's what I'd be. Because I tell you, man, it's I haven having Matt growing up was absolutely amazing. I told him this on Lifeline, but I put a fucking ticking loud. There was a watch that I had in my bedroom, and I put it under his pillow. And it was ticking, and I forgot I did it earlier on in the day. And I was like, this is going to be annoying for him when he goes to sleep. And then my dad. And then I hear him from the other room.

My brother. Dad, what the? Can you come here? And he would be there. And then I hear my dad in the other room just like, I don't fucking hear it. I don't know what you're talking about, man. I don't hear what you're saying. And I was like, oh, are they doing the fucking thing with the watch?

And they don't know about it? So I walk in. And I was like, what's going on? And my brother brother said my pillow's ticking and i was like what and he's like no and my dad's like no it's not you know my dad's fucking now at this point is a little hard of hearing but back then he probably was just that's when we figured it out is when i threw a fucking swatch in my brother's pillowcase and my brother's like it's ticking and my dad's like no it's not i don't hear anything and then i go oh man i did this i'm sorry i thought it would be funny and it was for a little bit and i took the watch out and that's like and then my dad said why'd you put a watch in his fucking pillowcase and i literally was like for this reason it's hilarious to have hilarity ensue? What do you mean why? We're all here.

This is the answer. So, yeah, I did that. Family shit's awesome, dude. How hilarious. Family shit is awesome if it's awesome. If it's not, it's fucking harrowing. But, yeah, to have 12 kids, Nick Cannon to have 12 kids. It's funny that his last name is Cannon, and he's basically just shooting kids out of his dick.

I don't know, man. It's wild to have 12 kids. What's up with that, huh? It's just wild. It's also a bit wild to have one like i was talking to a guy yesterday who had one kid and he's like you know a freshman in high school right now and i was thinking about how it would be to give like if i only had calvin to give all my love to him i would be a wreck every day like i would be the most overbearing. If you have other kids,

you could spread out the overbearingness. You understand? But I would be so worried. Like say Calvin wants to play football. I go, great. That's it. Okay. You're going to get fucking concussed.

You're the only one I got. Cause a little bit, I'm like the tutors do it a little bit. I believe in like my bloodline leads to live forever. A little bit. I know it's 2022. It doesn't really matter. And what's in a bloodline?

What's in a name? It doesn't really matter. We're all people. And the world's going to explode soon. The world's going to, it's not even going to explode. People worry about the world exploding. Shit's so fucked up, the world's going to implode. exploding shit so fucked up the world's gonna implode like before we even die we're gonna see the fucking the waves and the and the and the and the mountains just suck us in and and dude with my luck the world's gonna fucking you know implode and i'm gonna see like it's gonna be like as it

comes through and as the world concaves i'm going to start seeing like you know the san fernando valley and then and then like glendale california and it's going to be imploding inward and like you know obviously whatever the opposite of where i am right now is like israel or some shit is going to be way in the distance i won't be able to see that but on the sides i'll see shit concaving in and like right before I die, I'll fucking, I'll like get, I'll get like smashed with Whitney Cummings house or some shit. And my last thought will be like, ah, yeah, a fucking course, you know? And, uh, so that's, what's going to happen is like the world's just going to implode, right? But yeah, if you've got one kid, I don't know how you fucking give all of your love to one

person. It's got to be also special in a way, right? It's got to be also beautiful in a way. Because right now it feels beautiful, but Calvin's two and a half. It's got to be also beautiful in a way. Because right now it feels beautiful, but Calvin's two and a half. You know? The more kids that we have, the more...

Maybe I'm looking at it wrong, actually. Maybe I'm looking at it wrong. You know what? I bet I am looking at it wrong. I bet, because right now I'm thinking, we've got all the love to... I fucking, dude, I figured it out, man. I figured it out without even having more kids. Here's the deal. Dude, I figured it out, man.

I figured it out without even having more kids. Here's the deal. I thought I should have known this, man. I thought everyone has the amount of love that they could possibly access ingrained into them at birth. But that's not what it is, dude. Your heart grows. It expands. And I know this because when I had Calvin,

I didn't know I could love something so much. So having more kids after that, it doesn't mean my love for Calvin's going to dilute. It means I'm going to have that much love for the others as well. And thus more love in my heart. Oh, he fucking figured it out he's a real person and it took him he took the long way but he absolutely became a real person he takes the long way sometimes because walking the path isn't linear he sees the top of the

mountain he tried to climb it but really what he should have done is twist. He's all the way to the top. He took the long way folks. And sometimes with the twisty ways, he realized, wait, I've been here before because he wasn't rising at all, but that's okay because it was all part of the journey and it took the long way. And it took the long way, folks. We love it, dude. It's okay. Life's about figuring it out. And I will tell you this, dude.

This podcast helps me figure things out. And I know it also is there for you too sometimes. I see you guys. Sometimes you come up with tears in your eyes and you say, thanks for being there. Dude, I am there. I'm there. I'm sorry you're going through that tough time, but I'm here for you right here. You could hear me. You could see me right now. I don't know you. You're somewhere in Tulsa. And yes, I will be in Tulsa in May. You can get tickets at crystalia.com. You know, I'm going to be in Midland, Texas. I'm going to be in Springfield, Missouri. I don't

even know where the fuck those places are. But if you want to see me in the flesh you can get tickets at crystalia.com i digress wear your merch get it at crystalia.com this isn't about the money though i'm here for you you can watch this podcast for free or you can pay for it on patreon patreon.com such crystalia but this isn't about the money. This is about me being here for you because I am. And guess what I am, whether you like it or not, because I'm going to keep doing this fucking show until we're all sitting pretty

in the tall grass outside of a log cabin sharing ideas just before the world implodes. I don't know, man. It's just how it is. I'm sorry, little kids, but I'm going to kill a clown today. Anyway, we bring it out.

It's soundboard heavy because it's the Thanksgiving episode. But, you know, this episode is one of the better ones we've had in a long time, to be brutally honest with you guys. We're taking you to a roller coaster of emotions. And there's still some left. There's still some left, dude. Yeah. You know, I was thinking about this, man.

A lot of people talk to me about my podcast when they come up to me in the streets. I don't know how long I'm going to do this fucking podcast, man. I have no idea. Is this shit going to last for fucking 10 years? Or am I going to be like gonna be like Alright enough's enough I don't know how long I can keep bullshitting you motherfuckers I don't know how long I can keep talking about my day And have you motherfuckers keep listening

And you still come back you do Numbers fluctuate we go up and down But you keep coming back I love you for it I almost stopped doing the tour reports because I was like, do people even like this? And then I fucking uploaded

the last tour report and I made it 11 minutes and everyone is like, oh no, why is this one only 11 minutes? I'm like, fuck man, you want them to be long? I'm insecure.

That's why. But it's all good. What did you guys ever do on Thanksgiving? You're going to be with families? Do you want to be with family? Or do you not want to be with families? Because do you hate your family? If you hate your family, I'm your family.

Look at these. Look at these. The disgusting thing about Thanksgiving is anytime somebody makes turducken. National Thanksgiving turkey presentation. President Ford pardoning a turkey. What does that even mean, pardoning a turkey? Like they're not going to cut its fucking head off? Is that what that means? What does it mean to pardon a turkey, you don't know, he doesn't know, who the fuck, what does it even know, let it go back, go into the wild, yeah, that's what you'd

think it is, just disgusting, dude, turkey eating competitions and shit, gross, any eating competitions and shit. Gross. Any eating competitions are gross. National Thanksgiving turkey presentation. What is turkey bowling? Turducken. I know what that is. Turkey bowling. Are you shitting me? A sport in which Oh my god.

Turkey bowling is a sport in which is based on ordinary bowling. A frozen turkey serves as a bowling ball and 10 plastic bottles of soft drinks or water or bowling pins. The turkey is bowled down a smooth surface, for example, ice or a soap-covered sheet of painter's plastic. I mean, so specific. Using a bar of soap. It is commonly associated with Thanksgiving. I mean, what, dude?

Turkey bowling is popular in minor league ice hockey in the United States and Canada. Imagine you fucking die and like a superior species just keeps chucking your body down an aisle. Like they're doing that with your dad. You know what I'm saying? Or they're doing that with your dad. You know what I'm saying? Or did you do it with your cousin?

It's just fucking flailing all around with soapy water, just into some fucking diet, right? Like that's so fucked up. Like just eat the turkey, dude. I fucking turkey, although turkey's dead who fucking cares and i always said throw me when i'm dead who gives a shit throw me when i'm dead use me dude i'll take the heat when i die just use me cart my body around and do some chris bowling do some turkey bowling with me stick some feathers in my eyes i don't give a shit shit, man. You know, people are like, oh, like my mom was always like at my funeral.

I want you to play that Neil Armstrong's not Neil Armstrong. What the fuck is it? It was he the singer or was he the, uh, the astronaut? Who's the Armstrong? Louis Armstrong. Yeah. Uh, what a wonderful world. That one.

She's like, I want you to play that song. And I'm like, man, when I die, play whatever the fuck you want. I'm not there. I'm there, but I'm not there. You know what I mean? I'm dead. Play fucking. I play that dude and do the Macarena. I play that dude and do the Macarena. As a matter of fact, put me on a marionette shit

and make me do the Macarena. Just my tongue coming out. I'll give a shit. And don't put me in a suit either. Leave me in my clothes. It it's so i hate putting on a suit you're gonna put one on when i'm dead fuck you just keep my chains on man bury me in my wimbledon shits oh they didn't do anything to us and don't't put makeup on me, bro. Who am I, Jeffree Star? Just let me be white as shit, mouth all open. Just leave my hands all contorted. Rigor mortis sets in. Let it set.

When rigor mortis sets in, set it and forget it like Ron Popeil. And what do we do? Set it and forget. When I'm dead, I'm set, dude. And don't be all, oh, move his fingers right, put the fucking formaldehyde in and keep them nice. Nah. The way I make a coffin, you know how they have the fucking bodies in chalk? Make the coffin that way. Make the coffin this way way and just place me in nicely like a fucking like it's operation or like a puzzle piece that just fits perfectly like something from indiana

jones that once you just slide in it unlocks a whole nother room and there's like beautiful gold chalices in it that's how i want to be done dude bury me in this billy shirt man don't put any extra hair gel i'm done you fucking if i feel rouge coming dude i'm gonna i'll be i'll be because i'll be astral projection watching you do it i'll be so pissed off god damn it they're doing it come on man pick up your arm i'll make it happen dude don't put the fucking shit on my thing and i swear my mom's still gonna be like i know he didn't want it but still put it it's for everyone else i know dude and i guess i don't care because i'll be dead but dude there's something really humiliating about dying and then that's the time that everyone puts fucking makeup on you you know that's humiliating you got construction workers just dying and then you got people,

other dudes just like, well, let's fix him up a little bit, here we go, are you kidding me, this guy, this guy had a hand in fucking making the citizens business bank across the street, and you're gonna fucking put makeup on him, on Carl, I used to join, I used to be a part of this bank, citizens business bank, and back when I was like not having any money, I would live like paycheck to paycheck and I would overdraft. Like I didn't give a fuck when I overdraft. Like I did it. Like it was part of it.

Part of having a bank account. That's how I overdraft. And I would never think of it. I'd be like, well, I have fucking have fucking 13 left but I want to buy this thing that's 20 overdraft city I guess I'll pay fucking 30 for the overdraft for you fuck it and I would do it and I would get overdrafts and and every time Hortensia would call me and I knew her a lot because it was a bank in La Cunada and I stayed there for some reason even though I lived in Burbank I wasn't in La Cunada anymore but I drive to, I would have to drive there and make a deposit.

Dude, and this was back before like all the electronic shits would go down with your phone. You could deposit a check and dude, she would call me and I would never pick up. And every message was the same. And it would always sounds like this. Hello, Chris, this is Hortensia from Citizens Business Bank. You need to make a deposit. And dude, I remember it. Okay. And that's that. Hello hello chris this is hortensia from citizens business bank you need to make a deposit that's what it was and that's what i did and every

fucking time i would drive over and make a deposit and i would go and get i would go get georgie's and i'm gonna go get the sandwich from georgie's and one time i i'll go get well is this even interesting whatever it doesn't matter i do what i want here this is my podcast listen to it or from Georgie's. And one time I'll go get, well, is this even interesting? Whatever. It doesn't matter. I do what I want here. This is my podcast. Listen to it or don't. And I went to Georgie's

and I would always get the club sandwich just with turkey in it and no middle bread. I didn't want ham because I don't like ham because ham's for suckers, dude. Even on Thanksgiving, I don't eat ham.

Ate ham by mistake the other day. Didn't like it. Secretly liked it and then got pissed off and knew it was ham because it was an Italian sub and they don't normally put ham in the Italian sub. You're supposed to put the gabagool and the fucking salami and all this shit,

but ham was in it and I didn't know that and I liked the whole thing and then somebody said the ham was in it and I got pissed off, but it's all good, man. I don't like ham. They tricked me into eating the ham.

It's all good, man. I don't like ham. They tricked me into eating the ham. And so what was I saying? Fuck. Some childhood story. Oh, and then I went to Jordy's and I would get the thing. And then they put the ham in it.

And then by mistake, I was like, yo, there's ham in this. And then the owner got so mad. And he was like, this guy comes in all the time and he doesn't get ham. You fucked it up and you put the ham in there. And I felt bad for the lady. I think she still works there, honestly. Did they sell Georgie's? I have no idea.

It was a great place. We would go to lunch in high school. Oh, fuck. I love being on the road, man. I love being on the road and doing my shows. I'm very grateful. I'm very happy. Well, enjoy your Thanksgiving, you know.

Look at this. Going back to the turkey bowling. Animal rights proponents who oppose the use of animals in sports claim that turkey bowling is disrespectful to animals and sends mixed messages which may encourage violence to animals or people dude i sometimes the animal rights group there are are right but what they get upset about is is the wrong thing about it like it doesn't encourage violence to animals or people. It's just disrespectful to roll a carcass down the aisle where cleaning detergent is. Do you know what I mean? It's like another objection is perceived disrespect to the central attribute of Thanksgiving. All these organizations, you know, such bullshit. In 2003, an upcoming event for the title

of UK Great Turkey Bowling Champion at Manchester Evening News Arena was protested against by animal rights campaigners. As a result, plastic turkeys were used instead of real frozen turkeys. Well, made for probably a worse game, I got to be honest. In 2007, an animal sanctuary rescued a live turkey,

which was in a cage from a turkey bowling event in New York State. Wow, that's amazing, dude. Doong, chik, doong, chik, doong, doong, doong, chik, doong, chik, doong, doong. Boo! Just tiptoeing like Ace Ventura. Boo! Gotta get this turkey out, dude, before they bowl with it.

Boo! Dude, that'd be amazing if they rescued the carcasses. Ha ha ha ha ha! Come on, I think it's down in the fucking frozen it's a booby eye one right because it's frozen and they never had those in the middle come on go wrong side wrong side with the night vision come on

there they are okay grab them fuck there's just me and you i guess we can only get like three or four well whatever it's better than nothing but they're already dead you should have to fuck up this at the point let's go and then they go to run and they slip on the soapy water that they used turkey bowling in yesterday and they fucking die and then they're a carcass and then people use them the next day. M. Night Shyamalan shit. Or what do you call it? Cabinet of Curiosities. Whatever that fucking new Guillermo del Toro shit is.

Dude, Guillermo del Toro makes great shit. But that series? It's so weird. He's trying to do like an Alfred Hitchcock thing. It's so boring. And he comes out in the beginning and talks and it's so awkward dude gimmick the toro talks and he's just like and it's so funny too because he tells the story about what's gonna about to happen which you never need to do in storytelling and then he always says this one is directed by this guy and he does that

because he's a director and he wants to give a director credit, and that irks me. I have problems. All good? Gonna talk to a chair and pretend it's my mom. What other animals are in sports, by the way? Well, look at all these. Protesters cry foul at turkey bowling.

Ice hockey protesters cry foul at turkey bowling ice hockey bosses were forced to rethink plans to stage the country's first turkey bowling ah boy they called foul you know that's absolutely incredible um so i think that uh through the holidays i'm actually gonna uh do, the episodes are not going to be as long. I know sometimes I do like an hour, 20 minutes. And I'm just fucking going to take time to fucking hang out with my son and shit. I'm still going to do them, but it's just the holidays, dude. And family is important to me. And I think that you're going to have to be okay with that. But I got the tour reports and all that shit.

You should check those out on my other channels. Tour report. The Cheyenne one was good. We had a lot of Silly Goose times. We did some. Actually, that's why I was thinking about the Mission Impossible thing because I did that shit over there. Yeah. And subscribe to the channel.

Dude, we got to get to. It's 596,000 still. We got to push past it. Let's do it. We can get $597,000. What are we at right now? Let me look at what we're at right now. Let me look at what we're at right now. Because I got it on my YouTube studio here.

Supercult Studios. Still $596,000, $581,000. It just never, ever stops. Subscribe. Check and see if you're subscribed, as a matter of fact.

Maybe you aren't even subscribed and you think you are. That'd help too. Leave a comment in the algorithm. That'll help too. And subscribe to my other channel, the Chris D'Elia channel. But anyway, guys, happy Thanksgiving. If you listen to this on thanksgiving have a great thanksgiving go to

crystalia.com get your merch for the holidays black friday and all that cyber monday we got deals deals deals and then also um you know get good holiday gifts if you know people are a fan we also got gift certificates, man. We do it all. We do it. We do it all, my babies. And then also, get your tickets at crystalia.com.

I'm coming to Austin. I'm coming to San Diego. I'm coming to Seattle and Portland and all sorts of places. Midland, Texas. So go to crystalia.com and just peruse.

Well, guys, that's the end of the episode on YouTube. If you want to catch the rest of the episode, the raw, the uncut, the uncensored, the no ads episode, go on over to our Patreon, patreon.com slash chrisdalia. And that's what you can do.

It's only six bucks to get the rest of all of the episodes. And then also the extra episodes that we've been doing for quite some time now, once a month. So there are a ton of them you can go and watch them right now backlogged thank you very much you guys are great Thank you.