Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 287. Life's Over

Episode Date: December 1, 2022

🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris and Kristin are starting a vegetable farm! Plus we've got crazed preachers and Chris Evans fans, airline delays, and Steve Jobs introducing the first iPhone. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys and welcome to another episode of congratulations he's on tour dude he is on tour we moved the jacksonville and the lakeland uh dates um to january uh so i'm sorry about that for people that were coming to see me um this week in uh in jacksonville but i will be there in uh lakeland and jack lakeland daytona now i added january 26th lakeland january 27th daytona january 28th jacksonville florida um and before that i'll be in san diego and uh on the weekend of the 7th so go get your tickets there um brea california i'm doing a club some club dates uh and then uh i'm doing a theater in Seattle, Washington. That filled up.

So we added another show, McCall Hall, crystalia.com, January 22nd. That's on a Sunday. Come out and have a nice Sunday evening with your boy, you know? A nice Sunday evening. And then San Antonio, February 3rd. Sugarland, Texas, February 4th. New Orleans, February 5th. And then we're going to February 17th New Orleans February 5th and then we're going to February 3rd 17th we're doing

Providence Rhode Island and then New York New York start spreading the news in New York New York February 18th two shows at the Beacon Theater and then Chicago Illinois Kansas City Springfield Missouri look at all these Tulsa Oklahoma just get a

load of this shit, okay? This is how a touring, this is how it goes. Midland, Texas, Austin, Texas, Minneapolis, Columbus, Ohio, Cincinnati, Boise. It keeps going. So go to chrisdalia.com and get your tickets. There's also other ones that have been added. I didn't put up, I didn't talk about yet, but really appreciate you coming out. And, you know, I was able to say support live comedy. I don't like that. I don't like about yet, but really appreciate you coming out. And, you know, I will say support live comedy.

I don't like that. I don't like when people say that. I don't know how that became a thing. You know how that became a thing? People who are like just down to go see comedy just for comedy and not the people that they necessarily want to go see, but just comedy like night. Oh, comedy at like a fucking Italian restaurant support live. That's where they say that. But, you know, yeah, that is cool if you support live comedy but also come to a show crystalia.com uh and then uh those are all the new dates uh that i'm that i got right now um

and it's been awesome man boston i didn't talk about this but Boston was spectacular so much fun we did that um uh no in November 12th and we did Albany dude Boston 6100 tickets love you all Boston did not talk about this yet now before I went to Boston the night before I went to Boston, did I try to wrestle Calvin? Yes. Did Calvin fucking rise too quickly and try to get away and smash the back of his head into my jaw? Yes. Did it dislodge?

Yes. Was the pain excruciating? Yes. Did it hurt him at all? No. And that's okay. And then did he say, and then I go, ow. And then did he say, relax, dad?

Yes. Did it make me mad? No. Because love, would it make me mad if anyone else told me to relax, even though I was just chilling, yes, it would, but Calvin did it, and he's my heart, so he said, relax, dad, and I said, Calvin, it's gonna be okay, was I sure about that, no, thought I had to go to the hospital, because I thought they were gonna have to reset my jaw, now, my jaw, it fucking hurts so much, I was like i'm just gonna ride it out literally called the doctor because i was gonna have to come dude i couldn't close my mouth couldn't close my mouth before boston couldn't close my mouth so i thought i'd have to go to hospital but guess what he's got a mouth guard he's got a fucking mouth guard oh he's got a mouth guard what's he got it for he's got a fucking mouth guard, oh, he's got a mouth guard, what's he got it for, he's got it for the last time he had TMJ disorder, still got the disorder, fucked up on his left side, Calvin

fucked up the right side, yes, dude, can't close his mouth, so the next day I woke up, still hurt, took the flight, land, oh, no, dude, actually, yo, American Airlines, sup? Dude, I fucking straight up got a flight, 2 p.m., sup? Got on the flight,

sup? Pilot, not with full, doesn't do the full disclosures thing to all the passengers that get it because of panic, but before, so we left the gate,

pilot comes on, I don't know what we're, this might be fucking old manager. Yeah. So look, look, we're going to be on the runway here. We got a minor mechanical issue.

We're just going to have a guy come on. It should be fine. We're going to do that. It's a minor mechanical issue. Okay, cool. Chilling. A few minutes go by.

We're going to have to go back to the gate, and go back to the gate, and see what's up, and see what this issue is, all gonna be fine, even if we have to switch planes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's with, what's this switching planes talk, you said minor mechanical issue. So now what have we done? We've uncovered a liar as a pilot, right? He knew all along. But what did we do, dude?

See, maybe we didn't uncover a liar if he had to go back to the gate and fix his minor. I give him that. But hold up. He's already talking about maybe switching planes. Hold up. We uncovered a liar. lot dude we dug up a liar that's what we found dude right got something here that's what we did and it was a liar so we get there and we go okay well maybe we're not gonna have to fucking deplane whatever

all good if we get a new plane that's gonna be super annoying but he said minor i'm still holding on to that minor i'm holding on to that minor mechanical issue that he said i'm just holding on to it right because if it's minor maybe it's an air vent or a fucking uh arm chair you know or uh uh what do you call it what do you call these things the fucking armrest and a thing right because sometimes you go on the plane and you see a guy standing up a passenger you're like why is he standing up and he's like mother the seat belt isn't just and then the guy with the yellow vest comes in and he just yeah that's okay all i got to do is throw you know unscrew the thing and then on the there you go there's the seat belt that's a minor issue so why are we going back to the gate it's fine i'll let him have it and i'm holding on to the minor

i'm holding on to the minor mechanical issue so we get to the gate i talked to the stewardess. Hey, excuse me. Do you know what's going on? And she says, I'm literally the last person to ask about this. I actually don't know. She was sweet as all, you know, very sweet. And she was like, I'm literally, I don't know.

I'm the worst person to ask. But, you know, it'll be all fine. It'll be good, whatever. So anyway, she walks away. So I actually have to get off the plane. So I'm going to get off the plane. We're going to do, we're going to get another plane. We're going to get another plane for you.

I don't know. We're not playing. People at the desk and just, no, no. At the desk, you can talk to them. Come from the desk. It's not the lounge. Got to get off the fucking plane. Now, I'm pissed, but it's all good, right?

Because I'm with my team. I'm not alone, right? So I'm not a lonely boy. I'm with a bunch of team members and that's great. All right. I'm with some of the people that are opening for me. I'm with my camera guy. I'm with my tour manager. I'm with my friend, David Sullivan as well, dude. It's very fun. Okay. So I'm like, all right, we get off the plane, got caught up in the court here for a second. Hold on. Got, got, got off of the plane, walked out. They said, we got another plane showing up at 7. Now, you know if they say the plane is showing up at 7, it's showing up at 8.

Fuck yeah, dude. If they say a plane's showing, you know what? We got another plane, actually. It's going to show up at 7 o'clock. If it's not on the schedule, because it's not on the schedule, right? It's coming in from New York. I walk if it's not on the schedule because it's not on the schedule right it's coming in from new york it'll be i walk i walk out i listen to late on the desk so they said seven and they said yeah seven oh dude already when she did that yeah so it's gonna be i go oh it's gonna be eight don't sugarcoat it just tell me what's up dude the pilot talked about it

with the fucking minor mechanical issue. And now all of a sudden we can't even be on the goddamn plane. Dude, it's gonna be eight. So I'm like, all right, cool. You know what? I got my team with me and we got five hours to kill. Hey, Hudson News, here I come.

Hey, the latest issue of Shape magazine. I guess I'll pick you up for some reason. Right? Hey, Esquire, nice cover with Ethan fucking Hawk on it or some shit, you know? That's when you notice that shit. Oh, I'll go get some icebreakers for some reason. Oh, and then some icebreakers. That's me in the airport when a flight's delayed.

And then what is that there? I'll get the wintergreen Altoids like I'm fucking 95. And peanuts because I'm an elephant now. Now I'm an elephant that my flight's delayed. And so we get on the plane now at 8 p.m. And it's the same stewardess. And I'm like, whoa, dude, she's been here all day. And she's going to fly through the night.

And I don't even realize because of the time difference. By the way, I don't like people who don't realize time differences, right? I don't do that. And this is, you know, not something that's like a totally, this is not unforgivable. But like when somebody from the East Coast calls you at 6 a.m. And it's like, oh, sorry, it was 9. I didn't think about the time difference. Dude, what are you doing with your life that you don't understand that there's a time difference when you call somebody all the way across the country, you know?

Like that doesn't, you don't think about that? So, but I don't think about the time. This is, and we're landing in Boston at 4 a.m. Dude, we got to the airport at noon. We're landing the next day at 4 a.m. Fuck yeah, my anger's rising. Fuck yeah, my anger's rising. Good job, anger.

Hey, anger, what you doing all the way up there? Well, I've got to be up here because it's entirely too long to be traveling, even though the flight should just be five hours. Hey, Anger, when you coming down? It'll be a while. So now we're on the plane. We land at 4 a.m. We get to the hotel at 5 a.m. And I go to sleep. And that is why you travel the day before.

Because I would have missed both of my banging ass shows. And 6,100 of you would have been sad as shit. And dude, let me tell you something, man. I put that 100 in there, 6,100, because I tell people how many tickets I sell. Dude, I found out comedians be lying about their ticket sales. For real. That's crazy, dude. We're all very fortunate to do what we do for a living.

There's no reason to lie about that. So, yeah, I did the Boston shows, and, man, they were fucking unbelievable. I love Boston. Man, top whatever, top, well, definitely top five cities. I mean, forget it. But, man, might be my favorite city to perform in, dude. These motherfuckers get it, dude. You could push, right?

I say, don't push me. But dude, you push a little, Boston goes. They go fucking, they cheer, dude. We love Boston, man. You got to go watch the tour report. Those fucking shows were ridiculous. Met a lot of cool people at the meet and greets. And I appreciate all of you, man. I really appreciate all of you, dude. I really do. You know, um, a lot of people talk

cause I talk a little bit about my, you know, I talk about mental health and shit on stage and I talk about it on my podcast and I talk about, you know, my OCD and you guys tell me that, you know, I do meet and greets and sometimes you tell me you suffer from the same shit and it's just nice. I'm right there with you, dude. It's unfortunate. We got to be in this situation, but I'm right here with you. And, uh, and know that man know that. Then we went to Albany and that theater was nice as shit. I've done Albany like maybe four times. And I was at this place called the egg. That's a theater that I play in Albany and it was a thousand seats and they were just great, man. Um, and it was like an evening, you know, those Sunday night shows are very nice. They're, I love Sunday shows, dude.

I love them. If you can get to a level where you sell out Sunday shows, it's the best because you're like, I did the rock and weekend and now let me just fucking, you know, have a chat with you guys. And it feels really great, especially with that theater, because that theater was a very, I say, an evening out theater. It wasn't like a rockin' theater or a beautiful ornate theater. It's just like a nice kind of theater that they put together. No real character except for the fact that it's in the shape of an egg, as they say. But yeah, it was great and uh we had a really good time there in albany or as my camera guy would say albany and then i get pissed off and it's all good but um yeah dude so uh the the the the

the jaws are better obviously uh but not all better and And it hurts, but it's better. So that's great. Dude, I'm telling you, when my jaw unhinged, I say, oh, okay. Man, I go right to life's over. I go right to life's over. I'll hit my head and me, are you like me, dude? You hit your head and you go, life's different now. Life's going to be different. Life's over. My son hit my jaw. I go, great, won't be able to talk anymore the rest of my life. There's my money.

Gone. I'll have to be the first fucking, you know, comedian doing sign language. I don't know, man. I'm wearing the merch. Join our cult. It's awesome. I love it. Look at the way it's bunched up real nice on the shit.

Bunched up real nice on the wrist with the watch, keeping it at bay, dude. Just keeping it at bay. Look at that shit, man. The sleeve wants to creep on a come up, dude, right? But it can't. The watch is keeping it, just keeping it at bay. Look at that shit, man. The sleeve wants to creep on a come up, dude, right? But it can't. The watch is keeping it, just keeping it at bay. The right sleeve's got a chance, right?

Might creep on, might go to the bottom of my thumb. But look at it all nice and bunched up. Just the watch keeping it stationary. That's so fucking ill, I swear to God. I like the best things. Dude, and look at the back of it. Join our cult. Get that.

It makes a great holiday gift. Go get that at crystalia.com. We got the purple life. We got the periwinkle life rip shits. We've got all the shits. We've got other fucking, you know, hoodies and it's getting colder. And the jacket, which goes dummies. I mean...

Great gifts. You'll get them by Christmas. ChrisDelia.com. We got the brown life rips. We got the set right here. The hoodie and the fucking... Ridiculous. So it's all good.

They make great gifts. So does gifting this Patreon. Patreon.com slash ChrisDelia. Anyway, dude. Enough with the commercials. But it's bunched up real nice you know you gotta have fashion man some people don't give a fuck of a fashion right steve jobs said it doesn't matter uh uh uh a human is only programmed to make a certain amount of snap decisions in a day and if you're just wearing the same thing then that means you could use that decision for something else later on in the day. And you know what we say about that with Steve Jobs?

We go like this. No, I don't believe in that, Steve Jobs, because that sounds absolutely ridiculous. But that's what he said. And other people say that too. But your boy stays dripped out and he's going to keep the fucking join the cult hoodie that you can get at crystaleague.com all bunched up and at bay with this fucking rollie. It's absolutely it's fashion, you know, and it's fine, dude. I don't go overboard. I'm just,

you know, I like to look nice. My wife is a gardener. Did you guys know that? She's a gardener. She got a fucking gardener box and we put it outside on the patio and she's got a whole net so the flies can't eat the fruits and uh or vegetables and it you know she'd been gardening she goes there she put the seeds in she

waters it every day we got a whole whole um uh um what do you call it hose up in the thing it sprinkles the water in it gets nice sunlight dude she's tried to do gardening she was making cucumbers carrots pumpkins tomatoes um uh asparagus, you know, all sorts of shit. Snap peas. I don't even know, dude. She had gummy bears coming out of one. And dude, she was just planting shit and waiting for them to grow.

And dude, she's been doing it for months. And finally, I'm like, hey, sup with those vegetables because she's starting to cook more. She's making pork chops tonight. And she goes, want to see my carrots? And I said, sure. And she goes like this. Here they are. Oh, dude. Oh, dude. Oh, hey, dude. Looks like earwax. Oh, dude. Hey, what are you doing, hey, you failed, look, one fell, I didn't even notice it, this is a carrot, whoa, and she's making, she's cooking with carrots tonight, and I go, well, shit, man, I better save my appetite, dude, and she says making she cook it with carrots tonight and i go well shit man i better

save my appetite dude and she says want to see my cucumber and i said sure oh dude hey what the fuck is this from what the the what the the house that the little that the wife put in hereditary the the little mini house this this is the fucking, she's a farmer? Oh, dude, look at this. Look at this cucumber, dude. It's a size of Brian's cow and penis, dude. Oh, did you make a new species of vegetable? Why has it got warts on it?

Not only is it too small, Scott warts on it, dude. Scott warts. That would be an evil villain in a fucking 1950s Marvel comic book. Oh, no, it's Scott Warts. Dude, what the fuck? How do you grow a cucumber for months and come out with the size of a fucking fingernail? Oh, dude. How'd you do it?

So anyway, dude're we're we're moving we're straight up moving to ashville and we are going to farm we're moving to ashville and we're gonna farm that's it we're gonna have little fucking vegetables we're gonna call we're gonna call it little vegetables farms and just the corn you won't even be able to find it. Like by the time you, you, you take the corn off the cob, it'll be, it'll be like lint.

We'll need like magnifying glasses, dude. This is a fucking, honestly, this is a carrot for real. I'm not joking. Five months in the making. And it's not even genetically engineered.

That's hilarious. It looks like earwax. So, yeah. So, she's a farmer and we're, you know, that's what's up. Just incredible, dude. Speaking of Steve Jobs, did you see the, what do you call it? what do you call it? They sold his worn out Birkenstocks at an auction for $218,000. Steve Jobs. I mean, first of all, Steve Jobs died like seven years ago or when? When did he die hey why are these still around maybe four weeks later you give the world a

little bit of a process to mourn and then get rid of the birkenstocks but when did he die 2011 dude it's been 11 years and they're just offloading his birkenstocks oh yeah these dude they're probably not even. Probably some housekeeper that was just like they're her husband's. And they were like, well, we clean for Mr. Jobs so we just sell them for $2,800. Dude, this is insane.

$2,800 for Steve Jobs' old Birkenstocks. Someone bought them too. How much money must you have to get Steve Jobs' worn out Birkenstocks? Billions, right? It's got to be billions.

Like the only person who could afford it is Steve Jobs. Dude, he died 11 years ago. Dude, they got to start selling his other shit. Sell his turtlenecks. Sell his glasses. You know? What's going on? Where are they going to put this shit?

You're going to frame him? God, that's disgusting to have old Birkenstocks. Dude, Birkenstocks are so terrible. You know? Some of them are banging, but not those. I'll tell you that much. I can't believe that they did that. That's great.

Great. Well, you know what, dude? Get that money. Get that money, whoever you are. Can you click that one? I can't click it for some reason. The Steve Jobs one, so I can know I did it. And the jaw problems. And the Boston. See, this is how i do it and the trip to albany can't do it great sounds great sounds great

um honestly that sounds great did you see this thing chris evans i mean So okay so Chris Evans Let's watch this for a little bit first This is People Magazine Boxer Briefs BDA Movie

I haven't seen either Tough call not gonna do it Refuse pass No Impossible I haven't seen either. Tough call. I'm not going to do it. Refuse. Pass. No. Pass. No. Ooh, impossible. No.

But I'll say Black Widow. What idiot says I? Is this guy just? Beer. All right. So he's saying, this is People Magazine, and they're doing, okay, he's one of the sexiest men alive, which is okay. That's the thing I don't like the most because it's such a PR stunt.

I mean, he's a good-looking dude, but they get the ugliest troglodytes, and they're just like, sexiest men alive just because of like. And so he's answering all these questions, summer or fall. Fall. Fall. Was that one or Allison James? Oh, I didn't wait until the other one. He's answering all these questions, summer or fall. Fall. Led Zeppelin or Alice in Chains? Oh, I didn't wait until the other one. Oh, that's so tough. No, it's just...

That's so tough. It's okay, dude. It's like picking between your children. Okay, well... God, that's so tough. Okay. I got to go Led Zeppelin. Wow.

Damn, that's a tough one. That's the hardest one so far. Jowers. Comedy or documentary? Dogs or cats? Oh, man. Hero. Wow.

Clam chowder. So wait, did he say, he didn't even say, so they posted this thing and then somebody tweeted under it. I guess he has a relationship with this girl, like Brazilian person. This Brazilian.

Her name's Alba something. I literally just found this out because I saw this, but somebody tweeted, we are team Evans. We are disappointed. We are hurt. Okay. So it's a long letter, but this is written to Chris

Evans. And I'm going to, by the way, he's wearing a V-neck sweater, you know. Eh, Chris Evans. This is what it says. Chris Evans, as a 30-year-old, first of all, too old. Too old to be writing a letter like this. Okay. As a 30-year-old, first of all, too old. Too old to be writing a letter like this, okay? As a 30-year-old, too old.

But we'll go. We'll go with it. I've basically grown up on your work. From the hot jock to Captain America to Lloyd Hanson. Who's Lloyd Hanson? I don't know. It's been a pleasure seeing your career grow and transform. But beyond this, and what makes you stand out from the crowd?

You've been the most real and genuine person I've watched in Hollywood. Dude, how can you say that? How can you say that when there's people who like literally get in trouble with what they're saying with every week? And Chris Evans, you'll be like, how do you feel about milk? And he'll be like, well, I don't want to offend orange juice but you know it's it's great you know how can you say that uh your humility your love for your family friends and dodger I guess that's a dog your sense of responsibility to use your voice for good and so much more. I truly admire how you've never deviated from your narrative over your 20 plus years in the industry.

So when you speak, we listen. We believe in it. We believe in you. This is why your fandom loves you and why we are so loyal. Up till now. Oh, okay. Well, what'd he do? He must have committed genocide, right. Well, what'd he do? He must have committed genocide, right?

Well, what did he do? He must have, you know, streaked out a soccer game, right? Like, what happened? I'm hooked. This past week, it's like we won the lottery when you finally got the title

of sexiest man alive. Finally. Okay. It's a little overboard. I'd rather win the lottery, but okay. To each their own. As long as I've waited for it, I actually felt glad that you only received it now

because I believe that you are at your best right now. And finally, you are being recognized. I was so sad when this pride lasted all two days. Oh. You must have choked a bunch of puppies. Here we go. I have to start by clearing this up. Your fandom is not upset because you're in a relationship.

Where's it going? Let's see. Rather, it was the reveal of your relationship that made us feel betrayed by you. We feel betrayed by the Chris you led us to believe is you. Don't write it. All good, but wrap it up. Okay?

Write one of these things and then don't send it. Have it be an exercise for you. At this point, I go like this. Burn this. Okay? Now let's read the rest of i didn't think that it so it's still a little bit longer but as a human being i fully believe that you deserve your privacy and you will obviously only share what you feel comfortable with great wrap it up all good sincerely crazy person during the tgm press tour i don't know that's a new movie maybe tgm tgm press tour you were asked a question that's a new movie maybe, TGM TGM press tour

You were asked a question that had nothing to do with your romantic life You, however, chose to answer it with regards to your romantic life You volunteered this information Yes, you didn't explicitly say you were single But you sure did imply it Too close During your people interview You once again implied you were single. The publication

even reported that you were. Realistically speaking, this should have no bearing on our lives as fans. However, as your loyal fandom, when you speak, we listen. We believe in it. We believe in you. The sense of betrayal is not because you're in a relationship. It is the rude awakening that our belief in you is based on

nothing but lies that you've been selling us. Yes, dude, I'm on board with this person. She won me over. Or he, I don't know. If you could volunteer up lies about something so trivial, what about you is actually real? It's like a kid finding out Santa isn't real. No, it's not. You're 30. Now I'm not on board again. This may come across as completely dramatic to most, but I hope you realize how influential you have been on our lives. Your relationship is really not our business. Keep saying it, but you don't mean it. I personally know nothing of Alba, the girl, and will never know the dynamics of your relationship. A side note, an average 41-year-old man looking to settle down, start a family, and have a quiet life at home will most probably not

do so with a 25-year-old woman at the start of her career. It is just an indication of how you've unfortunately contradicted yourself. I could go on, but I'm going to leave it here. Oh, you went on! Dude, this is the sixth paragraph. You went on! My only hope is that this message will somehow reach you and that you will understand the impact you have on the lives of your fans and how you have hurt so many of us oh although i'm sure you will choose to only see the part that support you hey man this is an exercise for you

hey man this is an exercise for you. Well, it's hilarious. Some chick just tagged her OnlyFans on it afterwards just to try and get some subs, you know? It's like, you're watching this, you're like, ah, it's hilarious. Oh. That's why I don't go on Twitter, man. Part of the reason.

Also because fucking people i want to kill myself so um yeah dude absolutely insane dude hey guy check in hey guy go to a place with white walls check in uh all good if you see color around, go somewhere less colorful with only white walls and people in lab coats and check in. You know what I'm saying. But I don't, you know, mental health aside, if there is something wrong with you, I feel for you because I have mental health problems too. But I don't write letters to people I don't know. Well, whatever. We all have our shit.

Fuck them. Fuck you. Fuck. Chris Evans should never have done that, dude. Chris Evans should never have done that. Chris Evans had no kids, huh? He's 41. Dude, he's got to have some kids, man. That'll change his life. Does he have kids? I have no idea.

I know nothing about Chris Evans except I thought he had blonde hair and he actually has brown hair. So that's cool. Oh, dude, this fucking killed me. Bro, this is the pastor I want. I want to be a pastor after this. We're getting closer to his return. And the closer we get to him,

the faster things are going to happen. The faster the healings, the faster the deliverance, the faster... A bee flew near him, and then he did that. A bee flew near him. Dude, he is awesome. And the closer we get to him, the faster things are going to happen.

The faster the healings, the faster the deliverance, the faster... There, a bee. Dude, that guy Is a Menace behind the mic This guy Dude this guy When he The best part is he couldn't control

The Holy Spirit within himself At all and that's why he started Screaming but still had the Wherewithal to pull the mic away So he didn't rupture the speakers. Dude, the Holy Spirit was in them, but the Holy Spirit also had the audience's back because they couldn't be hearing that shit. Dude, he pulled it out. Dude, that shit is awesome. I'm a pastor now. I'm going to be a pastor. That's so awesome. And it is so awesome that he's wearing

a vest. It's unbelievable. Wow, vests suck, you know. These kinds. But this guy is just. We're getting closer to his return. And the closer we get to him. The noise. The level. The faster the healings.

The faster the deliverance. The faster. Dogs and dolphins were like trying to get in after that i mean just so loud god i love shit like that but uh the girl has a lot of tattoos who knew um yeah unreal see what this is all about it's so important for a working dog to be able to lock onto their target, couche,

and do commands, upo, while they are fixated on it. Here. But if I ask him to lock onto me, he needs to stay locked onto me until I ask him to lock onto that target. Helper. Lost his mind. Here. Wow. He switches those visuals, but I also want him to be able to switch

his vocals. A-boop. Boop. Lost his... It's so important for a working dog to be able to lock onto their target. The end. Dude, his mind just literally goes

at the end. Wow. The build-up is amazing. He needs to stay locked onto me until I ask him to lock onto that target. Look. Here. Starting to lose his mind right there. Right there starting to just kind of like. Lock onto that target.

Helper. Kind of like lost touch with reality right there a little bit. He switches those visuals, but I also want him to be able to switch his vocals. A boop. Boop. Boop. Boop. Boop. Boop. Boop. Because he's booba. Also want him to be able to switch his vocals. Oh, boy. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Boop. Because he's booba.

Dude, his mouth just goes, boop. And he goes, boop. Because he's booba. Dude, unbelievable. That was a good one. Wow. That's unbelievable. I'm going to go tell that to my dog.

He'll probably just shit on the couch and look in my eyes while he does it Aziz Bouba Dude, you know Speaks full English without an accent Trained his dog in whatever the fuck language that is Aziz Bouba Wow, that was a good Lost Your Mind That's a good segment here The Lost Your Mind segment

That was a great Lost Your Mind. That's a good segment here, the Lost Your Mind segment. That's an unbelievable... That was a great Lost Your Mind. Send in your Lost Your Minds on my Discord on Patreon. What's this? The dangers of marijuana? Oh, d***. Oops. Cut that out.

Bleep that out. I haven't get rid of much to send in. The dangers of marijuana. No, dude. Wow, wow. So high. Bro, that wall's paper thin. Wow, he's in the next apartment.

Imagine being on the other side of that. Oh, he's so high, dude. Oh, the other guy's so high. Oh, everyone here is the same. Look at everyone. Oh, my God. I've never seen someone so high. Oh, my God.

I mean, what is that fucking candy on the side? Everything about this is so high, you know? The fucking candy on the side, laughing when he put his head through a wall and wearing the Patagonia. Dude. Wow, bro. I would be fucking,

if that happened in real life to me and I saw that, oh my God, forget it. Dunzo. Absolutely Dun forget it. Dunzo. Absolutely Dunzo. Absolutely Dunzo. I hate when they do this. Dude, how about, because we talked about Steve Jobs. We look at the Steve Jobs thing.

Dude, thank you for watching this podcast. I'm really grateful for you guys. Like and subscribe, dude. Wait, they won't keep us at fucking... They keep us at 560... 596, dude. What the fuck? Why can't we get to 600,000?

Dude, something's up, man. I don't like to believe in shadow banning, but I feel like they're shadow banning. First iPhone. This is a day... 2007. I've been looking forward to for two and a half years dude so he made the first iPhone in 2007 and then died four years later

wow the dorks in the audience I got a buddy who watches this shit can't even believe it wow showing off the volume stuff Every once in a while, a revolutionary product comes along. I can't even believe it. That changes everything. Wow, showing off the volume stuff. And Apple has been... Well, first of all, one's very fortunate

if you get to work on just one of these in your career. Apple's been very fortunate. It's been able to change the whole computer industry. Look at the 1984 computer. And look at the dorks clapping. It's been able to change the whole computer industry. Look at the 1984 computer. And look at the dorks clapping. It's unreal. Suboxy. Suboxy, dude.

In 2001, we introduced the first iPod. Oh, they didn't really care for the iPod. Wow, they didn't. Oh, wow. Okay. It didn't just change the the iPod. Wow, they didn't. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, it did, didn't it? Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

People are going to... 10% of the dorks jizzed here when this happened. Oh, three? They did three? Oh, dude, they're goings jizzed here when this happened oh three they did three oh dude they're gonna jizz so hard the first one is a widescreen ipod with touch controls oh they love it they love it dude and that that lasted one year nobody ever got it ever again you know and they loved it dude the second just wait till the third one dude

Is a revolutionary mobile phone Oh dude Dude the guy goes Yes dude Did you hear that one guy Imagine doing that Imagine doing that for anything dude Hold on we gotta hear that again

The guy dude Imagine being next to that guy You'd be like Alright bro Watch here we go We gotta hear that again This is the guy Scream in elation.

The second is a revolutionary mobile phone. I thought that would be the third one. What's the third one? The third one is me. I'm a robot. Jizzing, dude. So many people are pissing there. And the third.

Oh, boy. Is a breakthrough internet communications device. Look, they don't know what that is. They're still buzzing off the iPhone. Three things. What's the third one? A widescreen iPod with touch controls, a revolutionary mobile phone, and a breakthrough

internet communications device. Oh, this is in the phone. An iPod. Got is in the phone. He's saying. An iPod. Got it. A phone. They love it. They're laughing. And an internet communicator.

They're so giddy. And it's all in one. An iPod. Oh, repetition, dude. He's killing. Are you getting it? This changed the world. Three separate devices. Oh. This is one device. These are not three separate devices.

Oh. This is one device. They go nuts. Dude, look at, oh, it just cut to somebody who goes like this. And we are calling it iPhone. Oh, they're laughing. Today, Apple is going to reinvent the phone. And here it is.

Oh, no. No, it's not. That's silly. Come on. That's not it. Actually, here it is. I wouldn't even know that's a joke. We're going to leave it there for now. So, before we get into it... I mean Let me uh Let me talk about a category of things

The most advanced phones Wow this is crazy bro That's crazy that changed history Wow Why are the comments turned off I want to see what people are saying about that They just have like fucking somebody saying subscribe to my only fans Wow dude

That is just incredible Steve Jobs and then died four years later. Wow. Do we have a... No, these are not. Right, right. Deserved Scales? No, these are new. These look new. Not wearing a seatbelt? Here we go. Deserved Scales. Come on. Here we go. Deserve it, Scales. Come on. Here we go.

Oh, no. Is this going to be bad? Um, okay. Oh. No. How did he do that, dude? Oh, my God, the car just went out. Oh, my God, dude.

I mean, dude. Hold on, we gotta watch that again okay so this dude's just badass with that big ass motor just fucking look at him dude loves country music and just how did the door open dude i mean you know set the way he falls out is just so fucked up dude like how okay so he overshoots his shot right there. He slides. He slides, dude. He had jorts on, you know?

Holy shit, that must have hurt. I hope he's okay. Wow. Wow. Why? How did he not? Why does the door just fly open dude somebody said because the car's a hunk of junk from the distant past but strangely but how did the you have to open the door for it to open dude

uh god well luckily it happened then right when he's he thought his day was gonna be so good you know he's like let's get out there and open road man we're gonna go we're gonna get some fucking hot dogs later it's gonna be fun man and then just smashed here we go man what's up with people, huh? This guy's trying to get a coconut here out of this van. This whole thing already is so Asian, by the way. Just the first picture of it. Trying to get a coconut standing on his truck. Deserved scale.

I mean, you know. Oh, it's a woman? Jacking it off. What a dick, dude. He just laughs. Wow, I didn't know that coconut was so fucking big. Let's see it hit her head again. So show she did what I just said. That coconut was so fucking big.

Let's see it hit her head again. So, so, so show shitty what I just said. Dude, worst reflexes known to man. Wow, dude.

I mean, yep. Do, ah, wow. That's, uh, wow.

Somebody literally said third comment is this comment section is bullshit. I guess you can die that way. Imagine that's how you died, from getting hit with a fucking coconut on your head. Here we go. Here's another one. Oh my, i'm in the still frame of this bitch it's a bitch coming down the stairs with the scooter first guy did it oh wow this is gonna go bad you can tolerate this bitch this asshole came out. Oh! Oh! Oh, I mean, sadutical.

Oh, he's bleeding. In the front of his head or what? I mean, the guy's such a dick, dude. T.J. Miller. The first guy's so bitch. Wow. The guy really had good center of gravity, though. T.J. Miller, draw by. This guy with the light had good center of gravity though. TJ Miller. Draw by.

This guy with the light on the front of it, you know. Went one. One step, dude. Got one step. And then already. Oh, he got hurt. Oof. That hurt.

Oh, fuck, man. So dick. So dick. Look at the other guy. Ha ha. So dick, the other guy. Look, and then takes a video of it. Look. So dick, dude. Check your friend. So dick.

The guy has the worst breath, the guy on the bottom. Wow, dude. Unbelievable, man. Aren't you worried? Why can't I click this one? I'll just put it in a different thing. Tab. There we go.

That was a deserve it if I've ever seen one, man. Don't roll the fucking... Don't roll downstairs with a fucking scooter you know how it stops is good see that's a good friend he stopped the video and went to go help him look look is that what that thing is for oh fuck that's a nine dude i feel like like don't do those things you know man like i know i know it's sad when people get hurt but like also it's not even that thrilling you're just kind of up for a foot for a while, and then you slip and hurt yourself. Eh, it's bad. Wow. That's great.

Well, okay. That's good. I'm going to fucking, I'm done here. You guys are great. I had a good time with you. Thank you so much for listening. Subscribe to the YouTube. Let's get those numbers up.

And during the holidays, yeah, I might not be doing over an hour during the holidays for December and shit, you know. But that's how I feel like doing it. I got to fucking take some time off somehow, and I'm going, going, going. But I appreciate you guys. And then also get tickets to ChrisLee.com. Get tickets to the Don't Push Me Tour. I'm going to be in New York. I'm going to be in San Diego.

I'm going to be in Portland and Seattle and Brea, California. That's just a club date. But go to Chicago. You got to be in Chicago, Tulsa, Midland, Texas, Sugarland, Texas, and Austin. You know, go to ChrisLee.com and go get that merch. It makes for a good holiday gift. Look at that one. Looking good. Nice and bunched up. The watch keeping it at bay. That's it for

YouTube. If you want to catch the rest of the episode, the uncut, the raw, the uncensored episode, go on over to our Patreon. Patreon.com slash chrisdalea and you can watch the rest of the episode. You can also watch the one episode that the Patreon members get an extra episode a month.

And you can check that out. You could also gift a Patreon to somebody for the holiday season. Appreciate you guys. Thank you so much. And have a good, have a years, motherfucking five years.