Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 291. Christmas with Kristin Pt 1

Episode Date: December 22, 2022

🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia It's the holidays, and what better way to celebrate than a 2-part episode with the most festive person we know, Kristin! Stay tuned for part 2 next week! 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk. She's singing Christmas music as we speak, literally. She's singing Christmas music in the other room, you can't hear it. You, you, uh... Why is this like this? You singing Christmas music? You, uh... Why is this like this? You singing Christmas music? You singing Christmas music?

I think you were. I don't know, she says. Well, she sings Christmas music and she absolutely does it to, you know, I mean, she probably didn't even hear it, honestly. Kristen probably didn't even hear it. It's the night, well, I guess I shouldn't say that.

Well, I guess this comes out the 19th of December. When is this going to come out? I don't know when this will come out. What is this? Let's see. Let's see. I don't know. It's coming out close to Christmas.

I know that. Because it's close to Christmas now. This is coming out the 21st. Oh, the 21st. This will come out. Okay. Hey, we're recording. So, Kristen? Yes. This will come out. Okay. Hey, we're recording. So, Kristen?

What you doing? Yeah. Oh, she's making a coffee. Nice. She's making a coffee. So, she is making a coffee. Now, here's the deal. I guarantee she's going to...

Look, this is a Christmas... This is... Basically, we're doing a two-parter with Kristen because she loves Christmas. And I told you this. I've been working too hard. And I thought that, you know, since we had David Sullivan on the show, we could also have Kristen on the show. And this way I'll be refreshed and rejuvenated for the new year. And I could start doing just, you know, obviously the podcast is solo.

So, yeah. So I guess for now we can just do my dates here as she makes her coffee, but I will be in, um, San Diego coming up, uh, the, the weekend of January, uh, 7th, I will be in Brea, California. That's just a club date, but come on down. And, uh, Portland, Oregon, Seattle, Washington, January 20th and 21st. I'll also be in Lakeland, Florida, the 26th. Daytona, the 27th. And Jacksonville, the 28th. Florida, come get your tickets.

San Antonio, Texas. Sugar Land, Texas. New Orleans, Louisiana. February 5th. Providence, Rhode Island, the 17th of February. And then New York, New York, February 18th. Two shows at the Beacon. Chicago, Illinois, Kansas City, Missouri, Springfield, Missouri.

Look, these are all places I'm going. Austin, Minneapolis, Columbus, Boise. ChrisLee.com, get your tickets and get them. And you can get them for Christmas gifts too if you know your loved ones or fans or whatever the hell. But come on down to the Don't Push Me Tour. I've been having a lot of good times doing the tour. I love being on tour. You know, I like being on tour because

I like being on the road doing these shows more than I even used to. I loved doing my stand-up, but also now what I love is just doing it and also being, I'm very grateful for everyone and everything. Hey, what's up?

Hi. You look so pretty look at you the camera loves you yeah that's what they say in hollywood and i know that because i've been in hollywood and now you're kicked out i'm gonna get i'm kicked out now let's not start with now let's not start with bad net bad energy right i think it's kind of cool it's like rebellious hell yeah do it blacklisted okay well it's kind of sick so we could go you know what's on there is the jeremy renner's thing you can do it if you want to put the headphones on right there but you don't have to what i think i'm hold on okay i'll be right back okay all right so she's got to go she gets nervous on camera she's going

to go throw up and then she's going to come back no she's not but yeah, so we're waiting for Kristen, and she is going to come back in a little bit. My whole thing with what I was saying is being on tour, as I love being on tour now, and it was a little bit. I mentioned this on my tour vlogs, which is on, if you go, my other channel, not this, Super Cult Studios, which you can like uh, my other channel, not this super cult studios, which you can like, and subscribe. That'd be great.

We're always trying to gain followers. I think we're still stuck at 596,000. Don't know what's up with the algorithm, but, uh, leave a comment and subscribe and you might not even be subscribed. You might think you are. So subscribe to this super cult channel, super cult studios. But, um, I said, I described this in my other, my crystalia channel that you can also subscribe to it on my tour vlogs that I am.

It used to be like this rock star shit. Like I would go out on stage and I loved it for that reason. But now I love it because it's just absolutely. I just feel very grateful. And that's what I was describing on. I think my Boston or my not my Boston one, but my it might have been my Boston one or my Denver one or my Cheyenne one. My tour vlog. Anyway, what?

Anyway. Anyway. Yeah, you look great. The camera loves you. Thank you. But you got to talk into this. It's one of the main things. Now, hello, Kristen. Hi, sweetie. Hi.

You have this on backwards. Did you know that? Do you want me to change it? That's okay. Okay, cool. It says Calvin, but it's backwards. I'm sorry. It's very cute.

And how are you feeling, first of all? Well, I ask that because I caught you singing, chestnuts roasting on an open fire. No, you weren't singing it that good, obviously. That's not true. What? I think if we had a competition between who was a better singer, I would win. You are a pretty damn good singer.

Oh, thanks. Yeah, because you know how I said, like, taking liberties and I was leaving and you were singing Take Me Out to the Ballgame? Oh, God. It was funny. That was not my best work, though. No, but I actually thought, wow, that actually, she did kind of kill it.

Have we told that story before? I have. Oh, you have? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why everyone, now people will comment, it's the taking liberties. Oh, that's funny. Because that's what that's from, yeah.

But you were, she was, the whole ballgame. Like,ies. Oh, that's funny. Because that's what that's from, yeah. But you were, she was, the whole ball game. Like you were doing that kind of stuff. You sing, you know what it is, you sing every song like it's a Christmas song.

Yeah. That's what you do. That's a good way to describe it, sure. Like you'd be like, more human than human. Dong. And that's by Rob Zombie.

You know? Yeah. But that's Michael Bublé by Rob Zombie You know But that's Michael Bublé by Rob Zombie So So I ask you Because I caught you singing Chestnuts Roasting on an open fire Is that how that song's called? Is that what that song's called?

Okay, wow Really good for the audio people listening Just shrugged So My So Wow. Really good for the audio people listening. Just shrugged. But so my – so you are – you love Christmas. And I felt like since we've been talking about it, I've been working so fucking hard. I've been trying to do – no, no, no. I have been saying this on the podcast. So that's why I'm trying – that's why I had David Sullivan on and that's why I'm having you on.

on the podcast. So that's why I'm trying, that's why I had David Sullivan on and that's why I'm having you on because you guys are so close to me, but also I need to refresh myself and in January, I want to come back with a bang and do, you know,

because this is a solo podcast, but I figured since it's Christmas and you love Christmas. I do, yeah. That we would have you on as a two-parter. Oh, this is a two-parter? Oh, yeah. One of them is going to come out like around the 20th, 21st. Oh, this is a two-parter? Oh, yeah.

One of them is going to come out around the 20th, 21st. Oh, my gosh. Do I have it in me? An enemy? Do I have it in me? Oh, do what? Do you have what in you? Oh, my gosh.

Christmas. Do I have an enemy? Do you have what in you? Two hours of talking. Oh, it doesn't have to be two hours. We're going to, you know, the episodes are a little bit shorter. But, yeah, do you have it in you? You do have it in you.

You can do it. Okay. Thank you. And then also, so when will it come out before Christmas? And then when will it come out after Christmas? You want to move over? In the taint of the holidays. That's what we call it.

Yeah. Oh, okay. That's between Christmas and New Year's. The taint of the holidays. Yeah, because it's kind of just like, it's between the, it's the grundle of the holidays. Oh, the grundle of the holidays. That could be a song too. Yeah, you're saying a lot of words I don't like.

Grundle. Taint. And grundle and taint so far. Yeah. So far that's really it. With Christmas. The grundle outside is frightful and the taint is so delightful. That's a beautiful song.

Now you'll like it all of a sudden. Oh, the, what if a guy lost his mind A lounge singer And that's what he started singing Immediately My favorite Lounge singer Oh the grundle outside

Is frightening And the taint Is so delighting Delighting The taint Is delighting You're so dumb So Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas You love Christmas. I absolutely do. What is it about Christmas? That's a good question. Oh, boy. And she's still talking. I mean, if you're going to talk about someone that talks way too long about stuff.

Days. That's only you. Okay. Only you talk the most words and Cal. Oh my God. You and Cal say the most words necessary to make a point. Like it can be said in three words. Instead of saying ice cream, he'll say, can I ask you for an ice cream favor So cute

I don't know if I told that on this podcast before But he said Daddy can I ask you for an ice cream favor And bent over like so polite Very cute and I gave him ice cream I'm a sucker You don't think you are I think you are a bigger sucker

We were at the airport recently I went to the bathroom So I was not with you guys for about two minutes. And I came back and Chris had already bought him a dinosaur plush from some random store as we were walking. I was like, Christopher, you can't just. I mean, he's going to go home with like 45 toys. Every time you come from a trip, there's toys. I know.

It's very sweet. know and so i know the balance of it is what do i do i want him to be happy but also i can't spoil him because he can't get everything he wants so what the what do i do well i think spoiling is i think we use that word out of context because i think we think of spoiling as like overly loving and overly sweet. But there's no such thing. It's not spoiling, yeah. Yeah, but we don't spoil him with things, do you think?

I don't know. I mean, he has a lot of toys. He does have a lot of toys. But that's- Honestly, 60% comes from- That is true. Because he's the first grandkid on both sides. don't know i mean he has a lot of toys he does a lot of toys but that's honestly yeah 60 percent comes from that is true because he's the first grandkid that is true and so he's just constantly getting comes from different people yeah he gets as many packages in the mail addressed to him as i do yeah he signs up he has an amazon account he goes oh blocks and it comes um We got him crabs,

the little crabs. We got him the, he doesn't like when things make noise. No. The crab dances and make noise and he says, I want that off. He'll do like that and we turn it off

and he doesn't like it on. The other day at preschool, he brought, he has this blue crab that he got from Amazon and it walks back and forth sideways. Right. It's kind of alarming.

It actually is kind of scary. Yeah. It's kind of scary. Yeah. It's unsettling. But it makes, it sings some song and makes a noise and he likes the crab, but doesn't like it when it's on. Yes.

And so we were at his preschool and his, he was holding the crab and his teacher came over and was like, hey, you know, I think today's the day for music. I think we're going to turn some music on out here. And Cal starts crying. Right.

And I was so confused and he was like, no, we're going to keep it off. We're going to keep it off. I'm proud of him for that. He thought that she was talking to, like saying that they were going to turn on the crab.

Turn on the crab. Yeah, I get that. And I'm proud of him for that because I don't like music. And I was driving in the car with him today and he did not ask to turn on the music and he was just asking. And dude, he does not stop talking.

I know. And it's so funny and it's so cute. I'm also proud of him for that. He's going to start a podcast on the Super Cult channel in a few months. Calvin's going to have a podcast. That seems like terrible parenting. And Calvin's going to have a podcast. That seems like terrible parenting. And he's going to be a star.

And I'm going to make sure he's a star. And that's good parenting. So what is it about Christmas that you like so much? We're just going to gloss over that whole thing that you just said? Well, no. We never got to that. That was the actual question. Maybe you don't know much about this podcast.

And I feel like you need to be caught up. But we talk about things, and as the tangents hit me, we go. We go. This is an octopus of a conversation. Okay. And the nucleus of the conversation is the head of the octopus, but we go on all sorts of tentacles. Hmm. So how do you feel about Christmas?

Boop. Okay, this is a lot of popping all over. Popping? Like popping from thing to thing. Yeah, you would pop. Okay, I'll try and follow. Yeah, just, well, how do you feel about Christmas? I saw something on TikTok that really resonated. That's weird. You saw something on TikTok? Yeah.

I like TikTok. I got dummy viral on TikTok. Do you? Oh, yeah. Oh, I don't even see you on there. Well, you blocked me maybe. I blocked you. All right, so. Anyways, and it was this girl saying that if you had a good childhood, you like Christmas.

Oh. And if you don't. You like Hanukkah. No, then you had a bad childhood. Oh, I missed it. And I think maybe that's why. I have like the fondest memories of Christmas growing up. So, yeah, you know what I was thinking is. What? I have like the fondest memories of Christmas growing up.

So, yeah, you know what I was thinking is like when I was, we were watching that Frosty the Snowman thing, the Claymation thing where it's like, hello, Frosty, you know, and it's Mickey Rooney is playing the guy and shit. And he's playing Santa. And I was watching it and I was sitting with Calvin and Calvin loves it. And he's having a great time because we have a good family, and everything is beautiful. You set the Christmas tree up nice and all that. One of the Christmas trees that we have up nice. And I was watching this Frosty the Snowman thing. And I remember watching it as a kid, and I'm watching this.

And I'm mixed with emotions. I've always said that nostalgia, you know, retrospect candy coats everything. But I think if you dig deeper, like for me, I was watching this Frosty the Snowman thing. And I was like, it was making me feel good, but also very uncomfortable watching this thing, reminding me of how it used to be when I was a kid. And if you ask me, I had a good childhood. So I guess my clinical question is, since you're in therapy and you're trained to be a therapist, stop with that. I think we both know the answer to that. Oh, dude, stop with that. I think there's some under the layer surface.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful and the childhood was so delightful. No matter what you fucking say, I didn't block out anything. Everything that isn't loving isn't, everything that is not loving is also can be considered not. Anything that's not nurturing can be trauma. All the way home, I'll be warm. Terrible. Don't you dare say I had a bad childhood. I didn't.

No, I know you didn't. But I'm just saying if the audience is thinking it. I caught my last special no pain. And it's not because I block stuff out. As we say. As we do in our relationship often. Hey. The guy Hey The guy

The guy The consequence Who's the rapper That does the face like this Kona Black No Racist Consequence

Not consequence Racist He's wearing Louis Vuitton It's like salutations or something Conceited Conceited I follow him on Instagram I think He doesn't follow me back

This is how I do the thing that Chris does. Do they know about that? This? No. Yeah. Well, I do it sometimes. Okay. So anyway, I do that.

So this is how I do it. Really bad. And you hit the microphone and went. So bad. Doubly bad. So, yeah. And so it's weird, though, because I don't like that feeling, and that's why I don't like to listen to music as well.

Sadeeper. Sadeeper. 100% Sadeeper, dude. Yeah. Well, Matt also doesn't like looking at old pictures of himself. Oh, when we finally kiss goodnight. Oh, when does it make me warm? We both can't possibly be blocking stuff out.

It would be too much of a great coincidence you have but that's what vietnam vets do when someone hears a loud noise or hears charlie because they get so because they might hit the deck but they're just in ikea i love you I love you too So yeah, so dude I'm just, you know It's like

We So now Let's talk about sleep schedules I mean You asked me to elaborate on something You did Did I? You said you had a good childhood.

You said you had a really fond, loving memory of Christmas because you had a good childhood. Because you heard something on TikTok where a girl said if you had a good childhood, you'd like Christmas. If you had a bad childhood, you'd like Kwanzaa or something. And I think that's very racist. Okay. And so, yeah. Okay. We'll go to your next thing that doesn't matter. No, but I mean, I do love Christmas. And so, yeah. Okay.

We'll go to your next thing that doesn't matter. No, but I mean, but I love, I do love Christmas. I love Christmas. Yeah. I really do. Yeah. And I live through it now with Calvin and it's very sweet. Yeah. And like, we were looking through toy magazines the other day with him and he was like, aunt

that, aunt that. And we were circling some of the things. was like aunt that aunt that and we were circling some of the things and that was very i actually felt like i i actually it was literally the same feeling that i felt as a kid when i used to look through those magazines yeah you felt the same way totally yeah and that is interesting because um i'm not a kid anymore and i but i had feelings. I had the, oh, this is so cool to look at these toys. Like literally in the back of my head, I'm like, maybe I'll get some. Yeah, for real. That's cute.

And obviously I've got some stuff that I'm repressed because I still go back to being a child. No, I do too. And I see Gator Golf and I'm like, maybe I'd have fun with that. But I know when it came, I wouldn't put it together. So yeah, Gator Golf. So Kevin wants Gator Golf. gator golf and I'm like maybe I'd have fun with that but I know when it came I wouldn't put it together um so yeah gator golf so Kevin wants gator golf Kevin wants robot blocks and uh anything with a face on it

he's very into it he loves faces sometimes we were just at lunch and he saw a cow and he says there's a face on that cow he gets alarmed when there's not a body part on it that is supposed to be. Like there was a fish or something and it had just two eyes and a mouth. And he was like, where is the nose?

Where are the ears? Fish don't really have noses, you know? Well, you'll have to tell him that. You'll have to be the one to break the news. I will. Because I just kind of bypassed. I'll do it in a new year. We're dealing with a lot with the holidays and all that.

Yeah. And yeah. So I just kind of bypassed. I'll do it in the new year. We're dealing with a lot with the holidays and all that. Yeah. And yeah, so I love Christmas. So that's good. It's good that I love Christmas. It's good that we both love Christmas. Yeah. But also, you know, we don't just have a Christian fan base. We also have Jews in the fan base and we love Jews.

And we also have other people that don't celebrate either. So congratulations, whatever religion you are and congratulations, whatever holiday you celebrate, whether it's Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Christmas or any of the other ones that I have no idea about.

And I feel like you guys, sometimes you get sad during the holidays, right? There's that seasonal depression. Do you? During the holidays, only because of the fact that it happens during december yeah but like the holidays make it better for yes they over top i agree with that i agree with that yeah um i've always wanted to be a jew why god bless you they seem like the ogs of like

all of it. Like they were like just the first everything. Jews are pretty cool, yeah. And like they've just like gone through so much shit. Yeah, yeah. And they still have like so much money. Yeah, I know. That's cool.

Jews are cool. Jews are like. They're cool, yeah. Yeah. Even like when it comes to like, I think that if you like think of like the cool race, like everyone thinks of like black people, like black people are like. Yeah. You know, they're just cool about themselves but then jews are like we

we've dealt with what you're dealing with thousands of years ago and nobody even really remembers that's how og we are you know what i mean yeah and and and you might be thinking you're cool but then you're cool and they go like oh hey you know what i mean yeah i kind of wish uh it would have been people think I'm Jewish. Yeah. And I always, I'm like. I'm attracted to neurotic energy, which is why we work so well, which might be why I also love. You're attracted to neurotic energy?

Yeah. Really? Look at, sweetheart. I know, no, no. I know I'm neurotic a bit, but also like I got that. No, no, no, no, no. But also I've got that swagger that makes up for it. You know what I mean?

And you can't argue that. Oh, yeah. Larry David, you think Larry David is hot? Yeah. Do you? Uh-huh, no, no. But also, I've got that swagger that makes up for it. You know what I mean? And you can't argue that. Oh, yeah. Larry David, you think Larry David is hot? Yeah. Do you? Uh-huh. Oh, interesting. Yeah.

I have some issues, though. Well, I mean, I don't know. This is what I think. I mean, this is like so deeper. So deeper, yeah. But you love to go so deeper. Yeah. When I was a gymnast growing up, and I had a gymnastics coach named Sam.

You loved him. He was like my dad. He was amazing. And he was from New York. He was Jewish. Hey, do a flip or something. He had family die in the Holocaust, actually. Holy shit.

And then his dad was on a roof. Oh, he was Jewish? Yep. His dad was on a roof with his dad. They had escaped from the Holocaust after the wife and daughter had died.

And then his dad fell off the roof and died. So it was just him. Oh. And then... Wait, his dad fell off the roof where?

In the Holocaust? Okay. We got out! Whoa! So Sam's dad was a kid when he got out of the Holocaust.

Oh, got it. Okay, okay. So his dad fell off the roof. Oh, okay. And then he met Sam's dad was a kid when he got out of the Holocaust. Oh, got it. Okay. So his dad fell off the roof. Oh, okay. And then he met Sam's wife. I hope this is, no one's going to know. He met Sam's, sorry, Sam's mom. And then she died during childbirth with Sam. Oof.

Jesus Christ. Wait, so when was falling off the roof? During the Holocaust? After. Oh, okay. After they got out. Oh, just a freak accident. Yeah.

Jesus. Wild. But he was my coach. He had a accent like you do he made fun of me only always and it he was like my dad and i absolutely loved him and it like got to the point that i was like am i in love with him when i was like later but i think i just was he was just a fucking flip or something man get off the beam right and that ain't no tea you get a fucking four for that yeah he was the best would he talk like that a little bit really no he would just be like talk like that i took a little bit like that but no it wasn't like that it was just like what are you

fucking doing right that kind of thing pissed off off all the time well just like work harder you know and i'll be like okay yeah yeah hey you failed all right we're done here you fucked up right okay i got you and he was also like not a fucking creep so that was helpful yeah there we go you look good on camera. So, what? And I put it in front of you. All right, so you like to wake up at what time in the morning? If you had your perfect time to wake up in the morning? Eight.

Oh, my God. 30. Changing it? Why do you ask that? Because my shit is 10.30. 10, my God. 30. Changing it. Why do you ask that? Because my shit is 10.30. 10. Sweetheart. I know.

We're lying. What? Wait, what? What do you mean I'm lying? You wake up at 11. No, no, no, no. I might. At the earliest. I might.

Well, that's not true. I don't wake up at 11. At 11. The earliest. That's not true. Unless you have something to do. If you don't have something to do, you're knocked out of the bed by 11. Maybe.

But also, I'm saying, when do you like to wake up? Which is, I like to wake up at 10, but I don't want to. I like to, but I don't want to. Because I want to stay up as late as possible watching great movies. Oh, I see. Okay, this is what we're... I wish I could only do... Like, if I could only get

five hours of sleep and be fucking firing on all syllables, I would like to do that. I'd go to bed at, you know, three and wake up at... Well, I guess I could go to bed at five then

and wake up at ten. It's a point of contention in our relationship at this point. Oh, the weather outside is frightful. Let's not get too deep into it. Let's keep it on a light note and not

get argumentative. Well, we spent like the first three the first three years that we were together. We've been together for six years. That's crazy. That is absolutely crazy.

And I like you just as much now. My darling, that is not the truth. My darling. My darling, you don't respect me nearly half as much. I didn't say respect. My darling, you liked me so much more in the first three years. It's not even actually fucking close to the same amount do you remember when we were in the car nope next question the first the first night that we met

yeah and michael and ochi was in the back i do and do you remember what i asked you who's that weird guy no what it's? It's like, are you guys sad? Oh yeah. I do remember that. Comics are sad, right? Are you guys sad? Yeah.

You're like, are you guys, you should have known then. Yeah. But I, I don't think I was sad, but I wasn't accessing all of my emotions. I had my walls up.

Right. Because I would not, I didn't even like the fact that that's a question. I was like, well, I got to do so many jokes because we're not getting into any shit here. Right. But we were like, no, we're not sad. We're happy. And we were, but well, I got to do so many jokes because we're not getting into any shit here. Right. But we were like, no, we're not sad.

We're happy. And we were. But well, I can't speak for Mike. But for me, I was blocking out any sort of realness. Yeah. Because I wasn't a real person back then. Yeah. And what do you think your change into being a real person?

Like, how did that happen? Well, I'll show you. Sorry. Sorry. But it's for the bit. You mortared me. So look, look. I'll show you. I just float away. Yeah.

What? Well, since, because I'm never on the podcast. Oh, God. This was a mistake. So maybe we can talk about that stuff. What? Therapy and stuff? Well, it's just like the real stuff about you. Oh, the weather This was a mistake. So maybe we can talk about that stuff. What? Therapy and stuff? Well, it's just like the real stuff about you.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful. You're getting dangerously close to having my heartbeat. It's going so freaking fast. I'm going to have to take an Alprazolam after this. You're so dumb. Yeah. Okay. Can I just ask questions?

Oh, my God, dude. We might have to cut some out that's fine okay um what was it about me that you oh like knew that i was um gonna be your wife you're obviously okay look there's wife material right you're obviously wife material. But besides that, it was your energy. You were just absolutely the most even-keeled person that I've ever met. And I need that. I'm nuts. And you were just fun from jump and not serious about yourself. You didn't take yourself too seriously. That's a big thing for me.

When people take shit too seriously or take themselves too seriously and don't go with the joke, that's a huge thing for me. Yeah, your whole family is so good at just going with the joke. Yeah. It's really hard for me to deal with. Anything. Yeah. It's hard for me to deal with emotions and stuff and like, you know. But yeah.

You're getting really good at it though. Thanks. Or it's a skill that you are improving actively. So that's good. I am trying, yeah. But yeah, that's, you are, you're just great. You're great. And I say it on my podcast.

And sometimes I honestly say like, you're my angel. And I don't actually like the way I say that because you're an angel and I am lucky enough to be around you. Oh, baby. That's how I like to say it better than that. You're sweet. But I say you're my angel and I don't like the way that says. Every time I say that, I'm like, I kind of cringe because it's not, I don't think that's

right to say. You're sweet. I'm all right, dude. Want to hear why I like you or why I fell in love with you? I. it. So the tear built up in my eye, went down to my cheek, built up on my chin. It got bulbous, got too heavy, too much liquid, fell down, caught it, and then wanted it back inside my body one time. My Aunt Martha, she used to live in the basement of Grandpa Bam and Grandpa Dottie's house,

my dad's mom and dad, my grandpa's, and my grandma. And her husband cut himself really badly and he was really old. And he said, I wish I had the wherewithal to put my mouth on the cut and I would have just drank it and put the blood all back inside me as a joke.

I know, I know. But he said that all back inside me as a joke. I know. But he said that. And I remember as a kid, I was like, did he really think that that's how it works? And they were like, no, he was just playing. But that was how dumb I was as a kid. I was 25. So no, but yeah, anyway. Wow.

That was what we call in the therapy world, deflection. No, it's one of the tentacles that we use in this podcast. We need to get back to the head of the octopus. it okay the head of the octopus starring chrystalia and kristen taylor the head of the octopus but what so i met you and i had um been watching i watched your vines in college wow like probably let's, let's see, I was 25 or 26 when I met you. So when I was like 22. And I remember thinking like, I bet I would like him or like, I bet we would get along. You were right.

And then I saw you perform and then um you were so i liked you so much more than i had ever liked anybody that i feel like it it um jump-started my own like journey to becoming a better person oh wow yeah because i was like i need to really get my shit together if i'm gonna be like worth him oh gosh yeah and so i really really did that why are you seeming like that's bad no it's great i loved you so much i know but it's dealing with that kind of actual connection is what do you mean it's so hard to actually feel all those emotions yeah yeah we've had we've had quite a journey together

you just leave we have had quite a journey You just leave? We have had quite a journey. Silent night. What's that? The lighter. You stupid dude. Holy night.

Not even good pantomime what you're doing. Well, maybe this can be for the Patreon because I feel like regular people don't fucking care about any of this. No, it's not going to be for the Patreon. Oh, okay. Hey, let me stop you right there. And it's great, but it's not for the Patreon because I feel like regular people don't fucking care about any of this. No, it's not going to be for the Patreon. Oh, okay. Hey, let me stop you right there. And it's great, but it's not for the Patreon. Oh, okay. People like shit, you know.

And plus, we got to tell them what they like. We do what we do, dude. That's also why I like you. Yeah, I know. I know. We do. We do. So let's talk about why you like me.

It makes me very uncomfortable. I don't want to be so exposed to everyone. Suddenly Seymour. Dude, I was in, you did plays when you were a kid. Yeah. I did Little Shop of Horrors. I wish I was the dentist. Didn't get the role of the dentist. Trenton Reynolds got it.

He was a senior because I was a, and I was a freshman. And I wish I did Little Shop of Horrors when I was a senior. And they didn't. Instead, they did. What did we do when we were, when I was a senior? What the hell did we do when I was a senior and they didn't. Instead, they did. What did we do when I was a senior? What the hell did we do when I was a senior? Technicolor dreamcoat? Elvis?

I think that's what we did when I was a senior and I was the pharaoh. And I was not Joseph. You have pharaoh energy for sure. Just like oppressive. Why did I do that play?

Evil. I'm a pharaoh? Yeah, just like by- What's a pharaoh even? I kind of make it up in my own head. Yeah, that's fine. I think that's the best thing to do. Let me look up pharaoh. Yeah.

But yeah, so. We were in the same first play. Like our first plays were the same. You were in Oedipus? No, Guys and Dolls. I was Adelaide and you were a man of many talents? I was every part that was the bullshit part that nobody wanted to do because I was too young and they wouldn't give me the good parts. And maybe I wasn't good.

I don't know. But Pharaoh is a ruler in ancient Egypt. That's me. I mean, I knew i knew that oh i didn't know that well i i did know that i did know that but but are they real yeah okay it wasn't like it's not like david crocker is david crocker real no clue no idea is that like joe biden is joe biden real um so i my the first play i did was hms pinafore in eighth grade. Let me just go through my shit, okay? HMS Pinafore, and that was the one when Halal Latif, man, this fucking story.

Okay. So we had to have black shoes because we were sailors. We could not wear white shoes. because we were sailors. We could not wear white shoes. The drama teacher told us we can't wear white shoes because sailors have to have the black shoes. That's what we have to have.

So everyone was like, okay. Halal, one of my friends still, keep in touch with him, love the dude. Halal Latif, great dude. Had lunch with him maybe, you know, eight months ago. He said that he was like, I don't have black shoes. And she's like, well, you're going to have to get black shoes.

And he said, I don't know if he said it or if the drama teacher said, well, if you don't have the money to get black shoes, because I don't want to tell people to get black shoes. Right. You can put black socks over your whatever color shoes you have. Seems unsafe. Didn't even think about it. I was fucking 14, right? Right. So Halal says, socks over the shoes? Okay. Puts black.

So now, showtime. Halal shows up in black socks over his big ass white shoes stretched out you can still see the white through the socks they were so stretched out and halal um shows up and i'm laughing right not because he's not going to spend money on the black on the black shoes but because this whole thing thing, now I get how ridiculous it is. Putting socks on over your shoes is so fucking dumb looking and unsafe. So we do the opening number. It's opening night, opening number.

And Halal is right in front of me during the whole opening number okay and we're doing those you know you're always doing like the box dancing and then the fucking hey and then we're singing this song we're on the fucking bow of the ship hey hey it's hms pinafore i don't even know what the fuck song it is but um there is a part where i you know i remember i'm in this position ah you know i'm on the left side just going, ah, holding the note. And Halal is below me on one knee. Ah, you know, we're both hitting the ah, you know, and we're doing the note. And then we have to get up and go and walk.

And oh, no, we have to get up and then do a dance. And then we have to get up and then do a dance and then and then that's we have to hold this note. Right. So Halal stands up and and we all go. And he falls back down. He falls down hard because he slips because the socks are over his shoes. OK. And Halal was a bigger dude in eighth grade,

like probably the biggest dude in the class. How big are we talking? He was a big dude, bigger than anyone. I mean, we were in fucking eighth grade. I want a pound. Oh, I don't know. I don't know how much I weighed in eighth grade. How much does someone weigh in eighth grade?

So he falls and the whole, my point is saying he's bigger is, right? Because he's also saying he's bigger is right. Cause he's also, he's not on the stage. We're on this thing that was built outside of the stage in front of the stage that covers the orchestra pit. And it's not like it,

it, the noise reverberates. And so he gets up and, and, and we're, and we're holding the note and I'm holding the note and I'm like, try not to laugh. And I hear Halal say, whoa.

Dude, no notes came out of me after that. I was just like, I guess I'll hold the position. I am, my whole body's shaking. I'm crying so hard laughing. And Halal's just going to go, ah. Dude, I, that was the longest note i ever tried to hold didn't hold it but dude i couldn't stop laughing it was so good and i gotta bring it up to halal again now i'm gonna text him after this dude um it was so fucking funny and and that those

memories of doing shit like that were so fun, man. Theater was the absolute shit. Oh, we should... Theater was the absolute shit. Theater was the absolute shit. That's the code word to take me out from across the building. It was so fun. I got the code sentence. Theater was the absolute shit.

Oh, the weather... theater theater was the absolute shit oh the weather i wonder how much time like if we end up spending our lives together how much time i'm doing bits if we end up spending our lives together. How much time I'm doing bits? Yeah, how much time is just me waiting in the wings while you're finishing a bit to just like continue on with my life? Because this isn't just like in a podcast setting. This is like my whole life.

And you'll, because you get pissed off if I'm not actively participating, watching, affirming. Thank you for saying all that. I appreciate you saying all that. I mean, it's gotta be months. Dude, I get so pissed. I get pissed off for two... Look. Two reasons, sweetheart. You get happy for two reasons.

You get pissed off for all the other. Dude, so here's the deal, man. When I'm doing my bits, when someone else is doing their bits, you let them do their bits. That's my rule. Someone's doing their bit If we got a guy Who's bit heavy

Like Fahim Anwar He's bit heavy He's always doing bits He's so funny He's very funny Right One of my buddies He does bits

He goes heavy on the bits You wait it out You join in sometimes I'm a professional He's a professional We join in We have a good time Eric

Bit heavy dude Eric Griffin A bit heavy dude You let him go You join in You pepper it in If it's his bit You pepper it in a little bit.

Now, if you're a civilian, if you're not heavy on the bits, and somebody's doing bits, you let them do bits. Sweetheart, in the context of a married couple at home, you doing a bit does not make me a civilian.

We're fucking married. Do you, civilian, take this? Professional comedian. I do. Do you, civilian, take this? Comedian. Theater is fucking amazing. I need to bring like if I don't have my phone

I mean like right now I need to bring like like little games or something so I need to bring little things to do like a little tic-t like like little games or something so i i need to bring little things to do like a little tic-tac-toe or something that i while i'm doing bits yeah i don't even give a fuck if you're laughing or not honestly i'll still do it you do well i no no i want you to laugh but if you're not laughing i'll still do it well here's the thing if i laugh

sometimes i laugh oh i'm giving you a dirty little secret. Do not even. I'm going to tell you right now. I've asked you not to do. If you admit what you're going to admit, I have asked you not to do this. If it's what I think it is, I'm going to get upset. Go ahead. Sometimes I laugh to make the bit be over. Hello, therapist? Yes, we need an emergency session.

Okay, thank you. Because I know that if I don't laugh, you're going to do it six more times and drill that bit into the fucking ground until I laugh. Is that or is that not the truth? I died of a broken heart dude no no 99.9 of the time i'm laughing for real so many fucking bits that's still that 0.1 is still one out of a thousand bits that's like like that but okay days. The man of a thousand bits.

I don't like that. And that's okay. And I'm going to hold it against you for the rest of our lives. Is that okay? Wow. Another good answer for the audio I will I will ask you from now on

If you really laughed at the bitter If you were doing it to bail out So congratulations Hey shake my hand No Congratulations That's my hell Do you see

Now say it in the mic Say that's my hell in the mic I'm saying it in the mic I know but say Go right up to the mic And say it in the mic You're my hell You see how much better that sounds I mean not necessarily the actual substance of what

you're saying but talking like this and you're talking like this sounds so much better yeah but like you said i'm a civilian dude you got jokes i don't need to be you got jokes in your pocket jokes in my pocket. So hold on. Should we talk about that when we were watching? We were watching Oprah and the fucking dude. And we were watching Oprah and why men cheat. And the dude in the being interviewed by Oprah. She was like, so why did you cheat?

And he was like, man, I don't know. He was like, I like this woman because she was showing me adoration. And she had jokes in her pocket. She had a joke was showing me adoration and she had jokes in her pocket. She had a joke in her pocket. Yeah, she had jokes in her pocket, dude. And we came to the conclusion that men cheat because they're being affirmed by women. It's not necessarily the sex. They're just like getting adoration.

Yeah, I mean. Seems to be the common thread. Yeah, I mean, I think there's a bunch of different reasons why, but yeah. Because cheating is something that we often, you know. Talk about? Talk about in our relationship. Yeah, we do talk about that. Just not. I think that fucking, we were, God damn it.

I wanted to do a bit. Oh God, how are you ever going to come up with another one? There was some bit I wanted to fucking God damn do. I'm sure you'll find 10 to make up for it, sweetheart. With every bit lost, he replaced it with 10. It's like the fucking, the movie 300. With one soldier down, we replenished it with 300 more

Dude I Yeah Be careful when you cut the head off a bit Because that just grows into different bits You're going to want to cut the head off a bit You're going to have a bunch of different bits Right It's like when you kill the leader in North Korea

You never know who's going to replace it So be careful when you kill my bits you might be trying to assassinate it well that's it for youtube if you want to catch the rest of the episode go on over to patreon.com slash chris talia and you can catch the rest of the thing with me here and kristin we're doing it in two parts so uh, you know, it's either part one or part two right now. But either way, go and catch the full version

of part one or part two by going to patreon.com slash chrisalia. Also, you can get all the backlogged episodes that come out, that have come out full in their entirety.

And also, every month we do an episode for Patreon that is not on YouTube. So check that out too. And all that is just $6. So go on over to patreon.com thanks a lot