Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 295. Slight Flex

Episode Date: January 19, 2023

👉 Get a 60-day free trial at https://www.shipstation.com/congrats. Thanks to ShipStation for sponsoring the show!  🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris saved a dog on the freeway, and watched a bunch of movies he'd like to tell you about. He also discusses Timothee Chalamet, Frankie Muniz, and wonders who the new movie '80 For Brady' was made for. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk. And without further ado, welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. So yeah, Seattle, I'll be there Sunday. Get your tickets at chrisleah.com. I'm excited. I am excited to do the road after two and a half months. I was in San Diego, yes. Okay, fine, I admitted I was in San Diego, yes. And I did Brea, California, yes, but I drove there. So I'm excited to take the flight, dude.

Calvin and Kristen are coming, and I'm excited to take the flight, and we're going to kick up them vlogs, the tour reports again, so subscribe to my channel, the other Chris D'Elia channel, and subscribe to Super Good. We changed the name because the word cult in it was shadow band, channel uh the other crystalia channel and subscribe to super good we changed the uh name because the word cult in it was shadow band and so now we just are gonna see them subscribers

absolutely fucking um but yeah so uh no more shadow ban hopefully i mean i don't fucking know um but shadow band is real i never thought shadow banning was real but it is real over a year without gaining any subscribers. Yes. And people told me, hey, I was subscribed to your channel. What happened? They got unsubscribed. I don't know.

Yes. But anyway, told them to resubscribe. And these are friends, trusted people. So, yeah, I am on tour. Go to ChrisLeah.com. Get the tour. Get the tickets. And then also there's that new merch.

The Life Rips Fall Colorways with the hoodie. And then there's the new uh welcome home join our cult shirts the the flannels go on chrisley.com we got the fucking images right here they're hot get them while they're hot fall is nice am i a fan of fall you know what i don't know if i'm a fan of fall what do i like the most summer because it's most comfortable i don't give a fuck even if it's 107 degrees i still still love the heat. I do not like the cold. The cold is freezing. And I don't like the cold also because, you know, when you're wearing like bundled up shit and then you go inside and then the heat's on inside, you got to take off all your shit.

It's just really, really unbelievable. And the storms have been crazy here and everywhere in L.A. It's unbelievable. And you know what that means? It brings out the potholes, babies? It brings out the potholes, babies. It brings out the potholes. And me with the low pro tires, I already fucking fixed my tires about six. I've had six

different new tires on my fucking low pro shit with the bloody guts. And it's just like, yeah, dude. But, you know, I guess that's the price to pay for being practically underground on these, you know. I guess that's the price to pay to be fucking no higher than a go-kart zipping around on the 101 freeway. But, you know.

So I was in Brea, California this past weekend. Absolutely awesome. So fun. You know, I got the reps in. My voice is going. I think I'm screaming more in my act now, which I always get when I get a little more confident with the material. I think I'm screaming more in my act now, which I always get when I get a little more confident with the material. So when you come, when you see me, Portland and Seattle this weekend and Florida next weekend, when you see me, dude, that's full confidence.

Delia right there, dude. But also, you know, always fighting insecurity. And that's how it is, dude. I'm always fighting insecurity. Always fighting the fear of am I, am I, are people accepting me? So anyway, but I've always been that way since I was a kid. So it's all good. in the fear of, are people accepting me? So anyway, but I've always been that way since I was a kid,

so it's all good. But, you know, so... We have a good time, dude. I was with Denny Love and Lulu Gonzalez. Dude, fuck yeah, man. They kill it. They're up-and-coming comedians, and they are just absolutely fucking killers.

The Brea improv is absolutely... It's so big. It's 570 seats, you know, and it was all full, every show, Slight Flex, but man, it was just like crazy how like 2,850 people came out to my show, Slight Flex, and you know, it's all good, but, and also the weekend before that, sold

3,600 tickets in San Diego, which is close to Brea, Slight Flex, so, and I still sold out the fucking Brea Improv 5 shows, Slight Flex, and could have added another show, but didn't, Slight Flex, so, and I still sold out the fucking Bray Improv 5 shows for slight flex and could have added another show but didn't slight flex. So, and anyway, it's crazy, dude.

So, is that like 6,000 tickets for a slight flex? Yeah, dude. We have a great time, man. God damn, I love doing stand-up. He's in love with it again, babies. Oh, he's in love with it again. Oh, for fuck's sake.

God damn it. Oh, he's in love with it again. Oh, when he came back a year ago, he wasn't fucking in love with it again. Oh, for fuck's sake. God damn it. Oh, he's in love with it again. Oh, when he came back a year ago, he wasn't fucking in love with it. He fought to get on stage anyway because he needed to show Calvin that you can overcome demons and not be scared of shit.

And oh, for fuck's sake, dude, it wasn't fun for a few months, but God damn it, if he didn't fall in love with it all over again. Oh, shit, dude. You fell in love with it all over again. Oh, for fuck's sake. Now what are we going to do?

And he's getting intimate on stage and he's talking about real shit. Oh, he's fucking, God damn it. You fell in love with it all over again. Oh, for fuck's sake. Now what are we gonna do? And he's getting intimate on stage and he's talking about real shit. Oh, he's fucking goddammit. You know what I mean? He knows how to crush, but now he takes his time. Oh, for fuck's sake, dude. Oh, he did four specials and he crushed them. Fucking minutes per laugh were fucking crazy, but now he's fucking taking his time with them. My baby's oh, shit, dude. Goddammit, he's taking his time

with it. In the middle, he fucking takes his time off for fuck's sake and people get quiet and they listen out for fuck's sake dude you can hear a pin drop for fuck's sake but that's all by design out for fuck's sake god damn it dude um yeah dude so uh have a good time on stage fall in love with comedy all over again on Crystalia's Don't Push Me Tour. This summer, fall in love with comedy all over again. Don't push me. Starring Crystalia only.

Yeah, I saw two movies. I saw three movies. But one of them I saw for the fourth time, dude. Now, what do we know about Chris D'Elia if you've been fucking listening to the Congratulations podcast and you're a part of this cult? What have we been? What have we learned? Now, Chris, what do you not do? You don't watch movies twice.

Yes, that's correct. Okay. Hi, Chris. I'm here to ask the hard-hitting questions. Do you watch movies twice? I don't. And if you listen to my podcast, you know that. Oh, interesting. So you here to ask the hard-hitting questions. Do you watch movies twice? I don't. And if you listen to my podcast, you know that. Oh, interesting.

So you only watch them once? Yes. What if you really like them? I only watch them once because I don't want to ruin the experience I had originally. Oh, isn't that nice? And you already know what's happening? Yeah, it is a little of that. But I'll tell you, man, I really only watch movies once.

Huh. Are there select movies that you watch more than once? Yes, there are. What are they? They're either my very favorite movies, which are about five of them. Oh, okay. So is that what you saw this past week? No, it's not.

Well, I thought you said you only watch your absolute favorite movies more than once. Yeah, there's like five of them. Well, but you saw this movie more than once. Yeah. But it's not one of your favorite ones? No. Well, why did you watch it? Oh, because it's utterly fucking atrocious.

Well, what is it? Gods of Egypt. That's what it is. Oh, with Gerard Butler and the guy from Game of Thrones? Uh-huh. Is it really that bad? Yes. How bad is it?

It's the worst Hollywood film I've ever seen in my life. Oh, very interesting. What's it about? Well, it's about a bunch of Persians, and they're played by a bunch of white guys, and they turn into fucking things like wolves and eagles, and they fly around, and one guy turns into a troll, and blood comes out of them when they get stabbed. Oh, okay.

Well, I can certainly understand that. It makes no sense. The movie makes zero sense. You watch it and then I found out that somebody got hired to rewrite it because it made no sense. And this is the version that they came out with. Gerard Butler's in it, dude. How much does Gerard Butler only make movies

depending on two things? Number one, how much money he's getting. And number two, how hot the chicks are in the country that they're shooting it. Yes, dude. No doubt. He goes like this. Well, how much are they paying me? 10 million.

That's a lot. Where is it? It's in the fucking Greek islands. Get my dick out. Is in a movie called Plane. The movie coming out is called Plane. It's not even the plane movie. It's just Plane.

It's with him and the guy in that show Evil that's been on for five years for some reason. There's a show called Evil that's been on for like six years. How? How's there a show that's been on for six years that your boy, Johnny Hollywood, has no idea about? Hollywood's not even trying anymore, dude. I love it. That's what I love. That's

by the way what I love. Like when they say oh, when we made Snakes on a Plane, I go hey, Hollywood's back. And then of course they went along with their other work bullshit. No, they're not getting back anymore. Yeah, dude. So, yes, I watched Gods of Egypt.

Yes, I watched Gods of Egypt. Yes. Okay? Yes. Fucking, I did. I watched it. And I watched it and I've seen it four times. And I've seen it twice in the past two weeks.

Why? Because it's fucking atrocious. And I love it, dude. Okay? And I always tell my brother when I'm watching it, and he always says, again? And I said, you have to, dude. And then I stopped watching it, and then I came across this. No, I finished watching it.

And then I came across this movie called Soft and Quiet. And wow, did that fucking send me into a holy shit moment. It's a great movie. It's all in one shot, which I hate. It's gimmicky, but it works a great movie it's all in one shot which i hate it's gimmicky but it works for this movie um and it's about a bunch of like-minded moms that come together uh because they want to promote their aryan race you know they're white moms and one thing leads to another and it just goes out of control and it's absolutely fucking insane.

And you got to see that movie, dude. And the music in that movie is fucking killer and it's all made for the movie and I don't even know how they did it. They shot the movie four days in a row. At 6.34 p.m. they started and they just went and they shot it like a play, dude.

Do you know how fucking hard that is? Now, granted, it's a little bit easier because you get done with the movie in four days because I'll tell you this much. Gods of Egypt was definitely shot in three months um yeah but it was phenomenal that movie was great i don't know why i know not more people are talking about it so i am but it's great um yeah you gotta see that movie i've been watching movies and then i also watched another movie i can't remember what the fuck it was.

Smile, dude, is great. I don't want to talk about only movies, but Smile is great. It's about trauma. Once I realized that, I fucking go like this. Oh, like the Weeby meme. Yeah. So, talking about movies too much for sure. I saved the fucking dog on the freeway.

So, congratulations, dude, to me. I the fucking dog on the freeway so congratulations dude to me i saved the dog on the freeway and man i put it on instagram i didn't even like think about how like people would react i was just like oh this is cool i should you know it's kind of cute i put it on and do it you know it's just like i'm back. Dude, it's like I ended the war in the Ukraine. When you save a dog, dude, you black out him. When you save a dog, you black out him. And I did dude I did

This dog was weaving in and out of traffic Like Looked like a fucking dingo Looked like a coyote The way it was walking Kind of thinner But also had a collar on So I was like

Okay I'm just going to go look at the fucking thing And I was like What do I do? Like these cars were swerving out of the way And everything was slowing down He was just in the fucking middle of the freeway Like

I know dogs aren't as smart as humans But Ah Get out of the way You know You're in the fucking these big ass these vehicles they're gonna hit you you know that right your owner's thrown a ball before you know that the ball has velocity and you got to go after it and you know that it could hit you right uh car's way big or move bigger move so i um i was like driving slowly and then finally he kind of like trotted over to the side of the freeway and i was like all right everyone's just driving by i guess i gotta pull over and try to save this fucking help this guy he's gonna get creamed by a fucking hyundai right and we're gonna have to give him to a fucking asian restaurant so i fucking uh so i pull over and the dog is is uh kind of there and

i get off i get out of the car cars whizzing by me and people are like fucking honking life rips i'm like can't do it another day dude i'm trying to you know what i mean honking is that the guy from yeah okay i get it but please dude i'm just trying to help and uh doesn't make a dent. No, I know. But dude, please. I just, so I, I get the, uh, I, I, I look at the dog and I say, Hey, I do this thing. Look, I don't put on a show for a dog just because it's a dog, especially if it's in trouble. I noticed that the, the, the, the tail is on, on, is under, you know, it's, it's, I've never seen a dog so scared. The tail was under so much it was tickling the tip of his dick, right?

Like it was just scooping under, just touching, just touching his fucking friendulum gland. You know what I'm talking about? Just scooping under. The dog's tail was just scooping under just lightly grazing that phrendulum gland you know what i mean just absolutely if it happened too long if the dog i left early but if you know i don't know the dog could have squirted you know i don't know his his tail was just edging the shit out of his pharyngeal gland. And that's how scared he was.

The dog's like, I'm so scared, I need to feel some pleasure. That's why dogs' tails go in between their legs when they're scared, because they're scared. They don't want to feel that. They can't cope with it. So they need to, you know, fuck with the pharyngeal gland so they feel some sort of, you know, dopamine hit, which is basically what I've been doing my whole life.

So the dog, you know, it's rubbing his pharyngeal gland with the tip of his... And it's scared. So I don't put on a show for a dog just because this is a dog. Now, look, I do this with my son. I'd be like, hey, buddy. Like, I don't normally walk up to people that are regular and just, I'm like, hey, buddy, what's going on? Oh, nice jacket. You got a C on it? What's that stand for? Like, I don't do that. And I don't, but I, but I, I do it with it with my son because I love him so much and it's so cute. But with a dog, I realized the cuteness. And let me tell you something about this dog.

This dog was fantastically handsome, okay? But I know what's up, dude. I'm going to treat the dog like a regular person because I don't want this dog to think I'm putting on a show because I don't want him to think, oh, wait, what is this guy acting like this way? I don't want, I don't, why is this guy acting so nice to me? He must want something. He must want to fucking eat me or, right? Like, this is like, it's very, dogs are very Russian.

You know, like you can't walk up. This is why Russians are just like, hello, nice to meet you. Thank you for bouquet of flowers. Like they don't smile for any reason then if it feels like what like they're only russians only smile after they realize they're smiling they're never like hi hello nice to meet you yes because that in their culture means you want something from me right you you're trying to trick me i am no dog as As he walks away touching his frenulum tip. So dogs are very Russian.

You know. You can be like, hey buddy. Right? But if a dog's scooped up with his tail. Tickling his frenulum. He's scared as shit. And he knows something's up. He's on high alert already.

And I'm not getting my jugular bit. Right? So I'm far away from the dog. I'm talking 30, 40 feet. But I say, hey, buddy. And he's trotting away, turns back around, looks at me. And I say, hey, come here, man. Come here, buddy. Let me talk to you. Like I'm just treating him like a fucking homie. Hey, come here, man. And he just kind of looks at me for a little bit Trots a little bit over and I say What you doing can I pet you or what And he comes a little closer

I kneel down and he walks away So I'm like okay Number one it's too bad Because now I don't know what to do And I can't really help him He's not going to let me touch him But number two secretly happy Because he's part pit

Now I know you're not supposed to say pit bulls fucking eat people. But, you know. I know you're not supposed to say pit bulls chop people's faces off. I know. But then I'm like, okay, well, but you know who definitely doesn't is Yorkies. That's all I'm saying. You ever seen a Havanese, you know what I mean, stuck on somebody's jugular? No.

Okay? That's all I'm saying. And look, I know maybe there's Pitbull activists out there. They're great dogs, and you raise them. I think the problem has to do with the humans. Okay, you want to be like, yo, it's a human problem. They're raising them to be this way.

Fine. I don't know what human owned this pit bull earlier. So the last thing I want is his jaw locked around my jugular, especially when he's scared, tickling the shit out of his gland. You know what's up, right? So I say, hey,

you know, then another guy pulls over. You know, he's like the Robin, I'm Batman, and he's getting nowhere with the dog, because he, it was my shit from jump, I know, I'm like, buddy, thank you, but I got this, it's like, you know, it's like the FBI when the cops, when the, when the, when the FBI shows up at the cops, and they're like, we got it from here, that was me, right, the guy was just some fucking, like, some fat fat sergeant that's just like, we don't like you. We don't need you here. And I'm just like, buddy, this is my jurisdiction. Okay, he's in my area.

This is a federal fucking thing. I need to get this dog to stop fucking with his friendulum. Now let's go or he's going to get hit by a car. So I finally get him a little bit closer to my car and then he walks around my car and tries to walk into the fucking traffic again and i say hey buddy come here i put this all on my instagram you can see and i open up my car door so i'm like oh maybe he'll just hop in the car and i'm like i don't know what the fuck i'm gonna do because i have a show in brea i'm driving to brea but i'm like guess I'm going to bring this dog to my show

because I can't bring him anywhere else. I already tried to call animal control or animal pickup or whatever the fuck you call them, you know, dog catchers. And nobody's picking up. So it's up to me, dude. I'm like, fucking okay.

You know, I work alone. I don't want a fucking partner. I only work alone. And so't want a fucking partner. I only work alone. And so I open up my car door. The dog looks at me like, bro, what? And I say, no, just get in. We'll go to a comedy show. It's fine.

Still in between his legs. And then people are driving by. And I'm like, dude, they're going to see Chris D'Elia trying to get a dog in the back. Someone's going to take a video and the fucking TMZ is going to be like, ah, Chris D'Elia tries to fuck a dog in the backseat of his car. I'm like, all right you know so i'm like all right i closed the door and then i i'm like i gotta get this fucking dog out of the freeway he's on the freeway so there's like a uh um um uh a hill that's very steep and i got new shoes on shout out to dibibbick. He makes awesome fucking shoes.

I got on the fucking cool. They're the, you know, you don't, I don't know if you give a shit about shoes, but I do and they're camouflage and they got that D on it and they're real nice, Dibbick. And shout out to Dibbick. And so I'm climbing up the, I'm like, all right, well, let's, I look and there's

a gate all the way above the, the hill. And I'm like, all right, I'm going to get them over there, over to that gate. I hope there's an opening. I'm going to get them over there. So they won't be in the freeway. At least maybe there's like somebody out there that can help, or maybe the place looks not, you know, it looks kind of safe. So I said, come here, buddy.

And he fucking starts running up the hill with me. And I'm like, fuck yeah, dude. Now it's me and him. It's like Turner and Hooch, we're just running up the hill, dude, and I see there's an opening, and there's a fucking latch, like, it's just so perfect, there's a latch where I could open the gate, and I say, come out here, and I lead him out to the gate, and he walks out of the gate, and I say, okay, buddy, can I pet you, and he just kind of walks away still, and I'm like, okay, and I closed the gate behind him and dude, I saved the fucking dog's life because he didn't get hit with a fucking thing. And I'm like, bye buddy. And I got like, not very emotional, but I was like, wow, this is, I hope he's okay. And he was in a safer, way safer area.

You know, I'm sure somebody called, he didn't have tags on him. So I couldn't call anybody and the dog catchers don't work on fucking Friday or whatever. But anyway, I saved the dog. I felt good. I went back, and I went to my shows, and I did two shows, sold out, whatever, Sly Flex. But it's all good, dude. Saved the dog and sold out the shows. But it's all good.

Media, report that I saved the fucking dog, huh? No, they won't do that. It's not salacious so um yeah so i you know i felt good i hope that dog was good and then and then kristin saw i sent the video story and she's like get him bring him in and i was like we're not dude she was like bring him home please and we got four i didn't even want chenzo we got a fucking dog that literally is a trash dog and yeah i understand he's your emotional support animal now and like he cut us the shit out of you but dude i'm not we're not bringing a fucking pit bull back with four now we got five dog why don't we just open up a shelter

so babe are you out there are you listening is that her that i don't know she's i thought she was breathing through the door maybe it was maybe it was honestly chenzo laughing um but yeah so i saved the dog and uh and it feels good you know i can't believe how many people were not and then people were like online somebody was saying something like oh dude why'd you post about it if you were christian you wouldn't and i was like guess what not christian but i kind of am you know i've been praying a little bit been trying feel phony when i do it but i still try to do it i pray for my enemies did you know that i pray for my enemies i do i pray for my enemies and i pray for my haters and i gotta be honest it's a

little bit because i heard you know know, I know I've heard Tupac did that. And, you know, a lot of good hit did him. He wound up dead. But I'm saying, but, you know, honestly, did he live the life he was supposed to because he's influenced many people? And if he didn't die, would he have influenced that many people? I don't know.

But all I'm saying is I pray for my enemies. And so that's what I do now. And I do that. And I do it honestly through gritted teeth. But I feel like the more I do it, the better I'll get my enemies. And so that's what I do now. And I do that. And I do it honestly through gritted teeth. But I feel like the more I do it, the better I'll get at it. And I don't think I'm, I think I'm missing the point, honestly, because I do it like, and fucking, you know what? I'm going to pray for this motherfucker.

But I'm getting better at it because I want to be open and I want to have love for all. And that's the only, that is the goddamn truth, dude. That's the goddamn truth. I pray for my enemies, dude. I ain't got no motherfuckers. So I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker. So rude. that's the goddamn truth I pray for my enemies dude so rude um yeah and uh

we love it so yeah so you know we're firing on all syllables we're having a good time we're doing the podcast and uh we're on the road. We love it. I was at coffee today and I brought my, Kristen was getting her hair done at the dry bar. Blow dry, dry, dry, blow, blow bar, blow dry bar, right? The yellow and white place. And she was getting her hair blowed. And i was like okay i mean i wasn't like okay

i don't know why i said that part just filling in silence but uh she said why don't you come to mel's diner and bring calvin it'll be fun and i i say is that your dry bar place and she said yeah and i said most diner is fucking travis it sucks you know it's terrible it's on sunset and only tourists go there and I have no beef against tourists but like it's not good food. It doesn't have to be good food

because it's on Sunset Boulevard and tourists go there. Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you get what I'm saying now? So she was like, yeah, but it'll be fun. It's like a 1950s diner. So now I'm like,

okay, Kristen's a cuda but it's all good but we're all cudas, right? We're all kind of get suckered into that shit every now and then and I'm a sucker for good atmosphere too.

I really am, dude. I used to love the strip club. So Kristen's like, meet me at the, uh, at the, at the, and I'm like, okay, well we could, you know, I was like, when you're done, she said, two 30. I said, okay, that's fine. Uh, I'm going to probably be, uh, ready sooner than that. I'll bring Calvin. I'm going to go sit near the coffee bean and tea leaf. You know how I do it. And I want to get Cal Calvin kind of indoctrinated in the whole system here um so she says cool go to the coffee bean and tea leaf and then i'll hit you up when i'm done so i'm at the coffee bean and tea leaf i'm having a really great time with calvin he's got his life rips jacket on his denim jacket which uh it was made by uh on instagram his name is

seamstress he's fucking great and uh he made me and calvin some matching life rips jackets and uh calvin was kind of you know we were hanging and having a good time. He had his little centipede toy. And I was blowing bubbles with the coffee. It was really cute. And so then Kristen is like, hey, I'm done. Where do you want to meet? And I said, well, you know, we're really close to this cafe that I like called Dialogue, which is great.

They got a great brisket burrito. And I wanted it. But then she said, oh, okay. I said, or we can go to Mel's, you know, but it's a little further for us. And she says, let's go to Mel's. So I go like this. Okay, because I'm a good person. Now, I want to go to Dialogue Cafe, but I swallow that.

So we go to Mel's because I do think actually Mel's will probably be more fun for Calvin. And also, that's where Kristen wants to go. And honestly, I live life outside myself now. Okay? Used to be a selfish guy dealing with it, battling demons. But also, my heart's on the outside of my body at this point. Like I said, I pray for my enemies. So we go to Mel's and we have Mel's.

And why did I start talking about this? Oh, no. So I was at the coffee bean. I'm at the coffee bean. I go to leave the coffee bean. I get in the car. I put Calvin in the car seat. And there's always, like I said, if you know something about this podcast, I talk about coffee shops all the time because i go i'm a regular baby i love it

and um when i go there uh there's always what one crazy person at a coffee shop it's never more than one it's always like one guy i have a feeling it's a conspiracy and there's always need to be like one crazy dude and i think it's so people won't sit there and post up and stay on the Wi-Fi with just a $4.50 fucking macchiato for like seven hours at a time. So the crazy, I can't be around this crazy guy anymore, right? I think that it's a thing that coffee shops do. So this guy's a crazy guy. He's one of those guys that fucking decals his car all up. He's like a Holly. Dennis Woodruff is his name. Go to denniswoodruff.com. He's a fucking guy. Someday he'll walk up and he'll be like, hey man, I really like your comedy. And sometimes I see him and he walks up and he says, I watch your

special, man. You're not fucking funny. So I'm like, alright dude, look, just pick one. Or don't pick and don't talk to me. So I never know what, honestly, I never know what Dennis Woodruff I'm going to get. But that, I don't want even one Dennis Woodruff. So the guy fucking, uh,

knocks, I get a knock on my, uh, bloody guts. Calvin's in the back seat. And I, I look, I see a bomber Jack. I don't see the face. I open up the door like a fucking asshole, by the way. I don't even see who it is. I just see a bomber jacket and I open up the door. Guy could have fucking shanked me. The motherfucker could have like dragged me out and beat the shit out of me. I don't know who the fuck it is. I just, I see, I open the door and it's this fucking guy, Dennis Woodruff. One time he was at the coffee bean and he just had an astronaut helmet on.

Like this is the kind of guy I'm dealing with. And he's got his dog near my car and I don't want his dog to jump up and scrape that fucking pearl mat. What? You know, that white, the pearl white mat. You know what I'm saying? It's hard to match the paint with a fucking so he's got a big dog and it's i don't want him to i don't want him to scratch up my car so i go oh hey and he says is that a sunroof on your car and i said yeah man he said oh that's bitching i said oh thanks man and i closed the door and i'm just like i try to eek out of the um driveway and from the back, I hear Calvin say,

it was really nice to see him. And I was like, oh, yeah, okay, cool. And it's like, dude, no, it's not, but also a life lesson, right? A life lesson in acceptance, a life lesson in, do I really pray for my enemies? Because if I did, I could sit here and just breathe through this and understand that this is a person with a mental condition and that's okay. Yeah, he's monopolizing some of my time. And yeah, it makes my heart hot. And yeah, it makes my fucking palms sweaty. But you know what, dude? Life is good. But you know what, dude? Life is good.

And my son, he's not jaded. I am. So maybe it was nice to see him. I tell you, man, as a dad, your son or your children, they teach you some shit. You just got to be open to understanding it. So now next time I see Dennis Woodruff, depending on what mood, you know, I'm going to try and be in a good, if I'm in a good mood, I'm not going to let it get in. This is the step I'm going to take. If I'm in a bad mood and he says something to me, I'm going to try and be in a good, if I'm in a good mood, I'm not going to let it get in. This is the step I'm going to take. If I'm in a bad mood and he says something to me, I'm going to be like,

okay, great. But if I'm in a mood, good mood, I'm not going to let him move me over, push me over to a fucking bad mood. I'm going to stay in that good mood and be like, you know what,

Dennis Woodruff in my head, I'm going to be like, you have mental problems and that's fine, but I accept you. And you know what? It really was nice to see you. And then I'm going to fucking go on my way. It was really nice to see you and then i'm gonna fucking go on my way it was really nice to see him my legs caught my legs caught um anyway you know of course uh then we went to mel's diner and we okay so i was talking shit about mel's diner in the beginning

so i we went there and look i like to say i'm not a cuda to fucking just grab it you know if you don't because those who don't know what a cuda is it's a fucking barracuda and they just go to shiny objects because they're shiny they don't really have much thought into them and so that's what i say when somebody's a cuda they just are tricked into going into a place because of another reason than they actually want it so um it just broke them in their head because you know we all got a little bit of cuda in us but like the guy who just gets fucking hot sauce chocolate hot hot chocolate sauce on his fucking ice cream and doesn't even think about if he wants it or not just because like oh that sounds nice but it's like wait a minute i'm actually an ice cream purist and i don't want to have like fucking how about this actually and i i digress but ice cream is good enough all the places where it's like come on in

and see whatever toppings you want, go fuck yourself, dude. M&M's? No thanks. Gummy Bears? Are you out of your mind? One time I was at a place and they had fucking pepperonis. And so I'm just like, no, that's disgusting, but ice cream's fine, but anyway, I digress. So, we go to Mel's

and I see on the thing, I'm like, dude, I've been eating like a fucking asshole lately. You know, I had a burger the night before and a burger the night before that. And they were both a mess. They weren't like, you know what I mean? Good burgers. They were great the way they, but they were fucking, you know what I mean? And like chef's kiss, of course, but also, you know, doctor's kiss too, because they're going to see me sooner now that I ate them.

And so I've been eating like an asshole. I'm going to get something light like a salad, but then I'm looking at the menu and I'm like, I'm not going to get a salad at a diner. If you get a salad at a diner, honestly, I can't even think of a bigger piece of shit person than does that. And I'm not necessarily a woman, I get it, but like a guy who gets a salad

at a 1950s diner, like it pays a shit, right? And then also like, so anyway, so anyway, right. So anyway, I look and I'm looking and I see this section that's called Arnold Schwarzenegger's protein section or something. And I'm like, what the fuck? Did Arnold Schwarzenegger agree to this shit on the menu? You know? Arnold Schwarzenegger just agrees to everything. They're just like, we want to put three items on a fucking 1950s diner on Sunset Boulevard and name it after you.

Is that okay? And he's just like, yes. What's on it? It actually doesn't matter. Just put it after you. Is that okay? And he's just like, yes, what's on it? That actually doesn't matter. Just put it on there. So, I look at the thing and it's got eggs,

chicken, slices of tomato, which is bullshit, honestly. Eating tomatoes is like eating nothing. And then you also get, what else? Tomatoes, chicken. Oh yeah, asparagus, which is cool.

I like my pea stinky. And I see it's called protein, the protein plate. I hate when people talk about protein because usually it's like people who are just like, they look like fucking sausages and they're just like big but they're like not cut and they're like you gotta eat protein and you're like bro talk to me when you can do laundry on your abs um and uh so but i gotta say i'm like this is kind of what i want it's kind of light it's kind of nice so i'm like i'll just get the protein plate She says Oh okay great Protein plate comes Dude

And it was great So I didn't want to talk shit about Mel's Diner And I haven't been there in 20 years I got the same waitresses by the way I haven't been there in 20 years I used to go when I was coming up in Hollywood And

Last time I went was with Eric Youngman and Dennis Testa Two friends of mine So I haven't seen them in a bit But You know Went to The W50 Diner And ate that shit Last time I went was with Eric Youngman and Dennis Testa, two friends of mine. So I haven't seen them in a bit, but, you know. Went to the W50 diner and ate that shit, and it was really good. And then I wasn't done, dude.

You know why I wasn't done? Because there were no carbs on the goddamn plate. If you don't eat carbs, it's not really a meal, is it? Didn't eat any breads. My son got chicken fingers, ate none of them. I didn't even eat any of those. So I'm still hungry. So I look under the fucking thing at the menu, and there's a protein shake.

Now I got to say protein again. But I don't, it's not called a protein shake. What it's called is the proteinator. And I'm like, well, I'm not saying this. Do you know what I'm saying? I want all of the ingredients But I don't want the umbrella it's under So I say to her can I get the protein shake

That's also on that section And she says the proteinator And I said you said it She brought it back and it was okay it was pretty good So anyway I'm full of protein And I don't like when people say that but I am So that's what's up. DeArnest Schwarzenegger has his own fucking...

I want a guy like... DeArnest Schwarzenegger is too... That's the thing. He's too famous for me to have somebody... Honestly, talk to me. I'll go to the restaurant that gives Greg Kinnear a fucking section. But yeah. I saw in this article here. This is on BuzzFeed, which so you know, it's hard-hitting facts.

BuzzFeed News, right? There's BuzzFeed and then BuzzFeed News, I guess, which is hilarious. Like that's, they're trying to be like the... And there's an article I saw, Timothy Chalamet's agent revealed that he hasn't auditioned for anything in over seven years, and it sparked a conversation about nepotism, privilege, and industry connections. This article, dude. So look, apparently

they were trying to have Timothy Chalamet do Gladiator 2, which sounds like literally a fake movie they would make a whole arc on in the show entourage like gladiator 2 like does another gladiator or what the guy's dead so i would go see i will go see if it was Gladiator TOO. And it was like, oh, this guy's Gladiator 2.

This guy's a Gladiator 2. But like, not even a prequel? So, and also you want Timothee Chalamet? He better be the bad guy. The guy wears more fucking sparkles than any chick I've ever met. He's not going to be the Russell Crowe part, right? Gladiator could only be played by a guy who you know is going to be fat when he's 60. You know what I'm talking about?

What's his name is going to get? Timothee Chalamet is going to get thinner. He's going to be Willem Dafoe and shit when he gets older, only way more handsome. Now, I get Willem Dafoe sexy. He's got his own shit going on. But, you know, he wears sparkles and shit so uh anyway this guy is going to play gladiator in gladiator 2 really scott's gonna do it so might be good he's fucking guy's dress um so apparently timothy chalamet's agent brian

swardstrom which is a fucking name that would be in a movie and Tom Cruise would play the fucking Anthony Swardstrom would be the fucking Tom Cruise guy. And he quickly entered the conversation to refute the viral rumors. Now, first of all, this is what the agent wrote. I know one of these actors was shooting a film because they were saying who's going to play the role in – and they were saying, is it Timothee Chalamet? Is it this guy? And this guy, his agent, Timothee Chalamet's agent said, I know one of these actors was shooting a film in the Middle East for the past several months and he hasn't auditioned for anything in more than seven years, he tweeted. Now, the fact that your agent tweets anything is terrible. And about you, terrible.

That is a fireable offense. If I was Timothee Chalamet, I'd put on my sparkly fucking blazer and tweet back, you're fired. Okay? and tweet back, you're fired. Okay? And with a little fucking tie that, like, you know, the little tie, not even the bow tie, the one with the two things that come down like a bitch.

So, because Brian's tweet, now, hello, an agent has entered the chat. Now, what do we all know about agents? Everyone hates them, no matter what. So, hey, hey agent don't tweet about me i'm all good so his tweet sparked a mixed reaction from fans many of whom thought timothy's industry connections into uh who brought timothy's industry connections into question the 27 year old uncle is director Rodman Flender. Remember him? Remember Rodman Flender? Huh?

No? Ah. Then why is this an article? While his maternal grandfather was writer and screenwriter Harold Flender. Oh, that's why it sounded familiar. It wasn't Rodman Flender. It was Harold Flender, right? No? You still don't know? Oh, right. Then why is this article written? Dude, and Timothy's mom, Nicole Flender, is also an actor known for her roles in movies The Bird Watcher and The Heat of Passion. How many times you seen those movies?

Zero? Oh, okay then. Why is this an article? oh okay then why is this an article dude it says given that Timothy by the way EE you know

with an accent over the first E who shot to fame after starring in the first film yeah come by your name question whether the success in the industry is partially due to their familiar connections. I got your answer right here. No. Okay?

I mean, no, dude. And for this reason, several fans argued that Timothy, not partaking in any auditions in several years, was proof of his privilege in the Hollywood industry. He's got privilege in the Hollywood industry because he's slaying these parts. in any auditions in several years was proof of his privilege in the Hollywood industry. He's got privilege in the Hollywood industry because he's slaying these

parts. He's got clout in the industry because he's absolutely obliterating his choices in scripts. He's out there picking up... I mean, it's so look some

some Asian chick wrote this is not the flex you think it is look at this Hollywood is giving him special treatment, Chalamet is a nepo baby but a lot of people don't know that but he has an uncle in the industry that opened a lot of doors for him dude how about like

everybody dude how about like everybody? Dude, how about how every industry? Look, my dad is a producer. People think that literally people like my comedy because my dad worked on Ally McBeal. Do you know what I'm saying? People think that literally fans buy tickets to my shows because my dad directed a few episodes of Lois and Clark. Like, they think that.

You know how hard it is? Dude dude this is the industry that we grew up in and i say we me and timothy tell me because we're both fucking complete we have star power you know the same and you know it's like yeah he was in dune but did he fucking does he have a sold-out show in seattle he doesn't you know what i mean i'd like to see him try to just stand up is all i'm saying like yeah i get it he was in fucking whatever that movie was uh uh call me by your name and you know that was great but I'd like to see him go try to do two shows at the beacon on February 15th chrysalid.com so I don't think he would do very and obviously honestly even if he could sell tickets I don't think he would do very well so and that's fine but I'm saying put me in his roles i'll clean up i'll clean up and it's not

i'm not saying you know i i i get it but you put i'm not trying to say one's better the other but you put me in dune and it's a different story i mean i know a lot of people liked it but you put me in dune it's a different story dude and i mean people go like this okay wow all right well yeah he's a force to be reckoned with and i'm not going to say it's a fucking what do they call it toward a force but so all i all i'm saying it's my goal to dress like timothy chalamet though 100 when i'm 60 though when i'm 60 um so anyway you know it's, look at this person tweets. There are real conversations to be had about white privilege, but Timothee Chalamet not auditioning for roles right now isn't.

This is where he is in his career. He's not the first actor to be in the position and won't be the last. Yeah, for sure. 100%. Who said that? If I was Timothee Chalamet, dude, I would be so angry at my agent hey agent shut up you know uh so anyway uh that's there you have it dude it's not because of nepotism dude the guy's a good actor i guess right he massages the lens i'll give him that much is he good i don't know

or is he massaging the lens you know i've seen a few movies with timothy chalamet maybe only one and he massages the lens i I'll give him that much. But yeah, I mean, it's just insane. These people don't get mad at fucking anything. How about this? Get mad at Frankie Muniz for being a NASCAR driver. That shouldn't have happened in this world, right? Now, I've met Frankie Muniz, the nicest guy in the fucking world.

Want the best for him. But dude, I want you to be Agent Cody Banks. I want you to do 11 of those movies. I want you to do more Malcolm in the middle. I want Malcolm to not only be in the middle, I want him to be on the left and the right. Like, dude, I want, honestly,

what's his name? Frankie Muniz? To be, I mean, the guy's 4'6", and I think that that's fucking fantastic, man. I want you to play always in movies. I want you to be, I mean, the guy's 4'6", and I think that that's fucking fantastic, man. I want you to play always in movies. I want you to be bad guys. I want you to be the illest James Bond villain. How about that? Oh my God. I'll tell you right now, Frankie Muniz, if he was a James Bond villain, game over.

So he does NASCAR. He didn't want to do acting, and Frankie Muniz, known as Malcolm, starts NASCAR career. Look at this. There might be a reboot on the horizon for actor Frankie Muniz. One aptly titled Malcolm in the Middle of a Pileup. So bad.

Not funny. Muniz has started Malcolm in the Middle. And agent Cody Banks announced that this week he's competing in a full-time race car and driver. He's going to die. And here's the deal. Because that makes so much sense, that headline. Frankie Muniz dies first NASCAR race. Like, you know, it just makes too much sense.

I think he missed his calling. He should have been a jockey, dude. That would have been amazing. But it's probably good for lighter guys to do NASCAR shit because they don't have, although maybe it's good to have the weight, you know? Because once you get the velocity going, I'm really fucking, I know a lot about science and shit and math. And it all comes down to velocity. Anyway,

congratulations to Frankie Muniz to do his first race. We love Frankie Muniz here at the congratulations podcast. I love Frankie Muniz. I like him more than Timothy Chalamet. Honestly, I wish Frankie Muniz was in Dune. How confusing is that title? call me by your name call me by your name call me by your name is that what the movie is call me by your name yeah also oh wait hold on timothy chalamet his sister is

also in the business dude any business any business, any business you do is mostly a fucking, because you're like, oh, I know that guy. Well, why don't you hire this guy? So, and then when it comes to Hollywood, everyone gets all pissed off because everyone wants to be in Hollywood

and people think it's because they're brown or something or a lesbian that they didn't get the part and realize you just don't know anybody. And I don't know, you know what I mean? Like, that's not, that doesn't come from a place of hate.

I'm just saying. I'm gonna have to cut that part out. We're not, we're not cutting that part out. So, because i'm real um i'm just honestly happy at hey we talked about a lot about movies this we're gonna talk more about movies i got a question for hollywood hey hollywood what you doing? Hey, Hollywood, let's talk about this 80 for Brady. Hey, Hollywood, what you doing? I want to know 80 for Brady.

It's a movie about four women that are 111 that are Tom Brady fans and want to go watch football games. It's basically what it is that's the law that's the line that they pitched um for sure so so here it is we open up four 125 year olds females love tom brady and i got the guy from fucking lionsgate or whatever it's like i'm interested and um not lions, but you know what I mean. Fuck Searchlight or some shit. Not that. And so it's Olivia.

It's like fucking that older lady named Olivia and then another one, Sally Field, who's cool. And then the other two that you've seen in 900 things. other two that you've seen in 900 things and uh my whole question is who is this movie for okay who's it for usually you try to combine things that are like-minded okay so who's gonna go see this old ladies maybe but also would they see this it's about football who's gonna go see this old ladies maybe but also would they see this it's about football who's gonna go see this diehard football fans maybe but it's about four 165 year olds ladies so who's it for if you're gonna make this fucking movie have it be with michael cain michael douglas michael keaton and michael chiklis okay that's the fucking 80 for brady movie no guy who likes football

is gonna go see sally field uh and fucking you know what i mean, Olivia, and then the fucking other one. They're not going to go see it, dude. Also, four 180-year-olds are not fans of Tom Brady. You might as well be making the movie Transformers. Can't happen. So I'm just like, it leads me to this zone I'm in where i'm just all like walking around saying

hollywood shit down 80 for brady you know it rhymes can't think of a worse title 80 for brady um is what it is my baby um all right well i think that's a good episode you know you guys i had a really good time it's good to fucking be back in the 2023 era and uh you know we had a good time and um i appreciate you listening and uh go see 80 for Brady and let me know how it is. But, yeah, I'm going to be in Seattle Sunday, the 29th. Tickets at chrisley.com.

And then I have Lakeland, Florida. I have Daytona, and then I have Jacksonville, and then I have Providence, Rhode Island, and then I have New York. Oh, I have San Antonio. I have New York. Do I have Sugarland right then? Anyway, chrysalia.com, Chicago. It's just going to be bonkers. I just put Milwaukee on sale, and I just put Salt Lake City on sale. Salt Lake City is selling like gangbusters. So yeah, go get your tickets, chrysalia.com. Hey, guys, that's it for the episode on YouTube. If you want the uncut version, the raw, unedited, with commercial free, then you just got to go to patreon.com slash chrystalia.

And let me tell you something about that. It's just six bucks. And let me tell you something. What else do you get about that? You get a free episode a month, which means you get all the free episodes every month that they come out. But then also you'll get all of the ones uncut. And then also you'll get about 20 backlogged episodes only that Patreon guys get.

So you can go binge it now. Like it's this show 24 or something. So go to patreon.com slash chrystalia and peruse, dude. It's just six bucks. Thanks, guys. You motherfucking bop, you scared motherfucking bop This motherfucker right here, the motherfucking clowber, motherfucker