Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 298. Topsy Turvy LLC

Episode Date: February 2, 2023

🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris tells tales of his recent trip to Florida, as well as his thoughts on pickleball, bodyguards, overly calm pilots and how lit coffee shops are. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk. dude. Breathe in, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe in. Doesn't he do that? Keep on breathing in. You're going to die. But yeah, dude, I just wanted to say, you know, I'm grateful for you guys. And let's let's just have a good time on this podcast, dude. So here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Breathe in, breathe out. Actually, dude, I'm a good, kind of a good singer, it. See? Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe in. Oh, whatever. Oh, it just got me. It just got me. Odell, you guys, it's it. It's it. It's it. It's Rip Warren. We're almost on the 300th episode. How about that, man? How about that, man? The 300th episode. Are you crazy? Dude, we're in my studios right now. We got the door open. We let the air come in because it's

getting hot in the house. You know, I got some construction going on. I don't even have the fan on. A lot of workers and all that shit, but they're going to hear this podcast, dude. They're on a break right now, so it's all good. And it's been raining in LA. It's raining in LA. What happens is it's too much raining in LA and it's all good. And we keep thinking it's going to stop and it's all good and it stops and then it starts again and then we have it rain on monday and then it stops again and it's all good now here look we're not a weather podcast so we're not going to talk about the weather too much but it's enough dude okay the street i live in it's a you know it's like white water rafter rap rap rapid water white water rafting whatever the fuck they call it i don't know can't really say that since i can't

say that can't say russell wilson together rus Russell Wilson. I got it now. All right. But yeah, dude. I will be in Louisiana. I will be in Louisiana. I will be in Texas near Houston. So go. If you're in Houston, do it. I'm playing Sugarland because I wanted the date and Houston was all booked up. And everyone's like bitching and moaning about they're not wanting to go to Sugarland.

It's 15 miles away from Houston. Go. I'm going 2000 miles. You could go 15. And then I will be in San Antonio, Texas. San Antonio may be sold out by the time this is going up this podcast, but Sugarland has tickets left because that place is enormous. Yeah, we're loving it, what's Sugarland? Sugarland's a cool name for a place, apparently it's a rich area which we love that, we love that dude we absolutely love rich areas not a lot of crime, so yeah dude

but we have a good time we're here on the podcast Rip Warren we got we got a lot of stuff going on and that's all I subscribe and like to this super good channel We got a lot of stuff going on, and that's all. I subscribe and like to this super good channel. We need the subscribers.

They're shadow banning us. We know for a fact. We know for a fact. We can't spread misinformation, but we know for a fact, okay? I know. And they can say this is misinformation, but it's not misinformation. I'm basically, you know who, A-L-E-X-J-O-N-E-Z-E-S, no Z. But I spell it out because I feel like if I say it, I'm going to get shadow banned. But it's not misinformation. I'm basically, you know, who a L E X J O N E Z E S no Z, but I say it because I spell it out because I feel like if I say it, I'm going to get shadow banned, but it's all good, dude. We keep it real. You know what? Honestly, I only want the people

who want to listen to this podcast, listen to this podcast. Okay. So it doesn't really even technically matter, but, um, I flew back from, I'm here for like two days. I flew back from, let's see, where was I? Wow. Oh, Lakeland, Daytona. And the other one was Jacksonville. Now, cesspools, you do the math. I don't think that there's cesspools. I like, the first time I did Jacksonville,

thought it was a cesspool, stayed at the Ramada Inn, got a twin at the Ramada Inn. Got a twin at the Ramada Inn. And I didn't like it. This Jacksonville show. Well, I said Jacksonville like a Mexican guy. Hey, you play Jacksonville. Will you drive down with the Chevy?

You're trying to live vicariously through me? So, Aunt Bibian? So, yeah, so, did Jacksonville, but I flew back, and I'll talk about the shows in a little bit, but I flew back, and, you know, I was in the seat, right? Fifth row, last to first class all good fifth row relaxing guy goes next to me first of all we took off plane was a little bumpy not really but the captain came on he was just like you know you hear that thing? Boong! All right. Well, we're going to actually have...

I have told the... Ladies and gentlemen, I've told the flight attendants to take their seats. It's going to be a little bit bumpy here. So until further notice, we're going to keep everyone in their seats. So I'm like, all right, cool. We're going to keep everyone in their seats. It's going to be a little choppy. They always say choppy.

A little choppy here. A little choppy. So what we're going to do is we're going to just take it off. You know, we'll get that drink service out to you. And they always say it. They're, like, so, you know, like, just casual about it. And it's like, dude, we're 30,000 feet in the air, and just be a little bit more.

Like, this is how it should be. Boonk. Hey, ladies and gentlemen, what's up? Sorry. Listen, so we're in the air and I know it's so annoying. We're going to get these drinks out to you soon, but we got to. But they don't. They're just like, you know, I'm getting an OTPHJ.

Pilots, co-pilots of female. I am just rubbing my friendulum too. So look. Oh, my, that feels mighty. So we are, uh, what was it? Sweetheart, what was I saying? Right. Um, we're going to, uh, go to, what was it? Right.

Oh yeah. It's choppy. Uh, we're going to tell the flight attendants to take your seats for a little bit and it it's all good, um, but we're gonna get those drinks and, uh, food out to you whenever we, hold on one second, uh, here we go, yeah, get that, get that, give me that, thank you, there we go, here, throw that out, uh, we're gonna get, uh, you that stuff in a little bit. So just, uh, we'll turn on the thing when you remember. All right. And it's just like, be more present flight attendant guy, right. Or a pilot guy. And, um, so now the belts on the, the, the, the light on for the, for the seatbelt is on for like,

wait, it's just too long. It's not even choppy anymore as they say. And I got to let it go. I got to let it go, let it go. And I got to stand upright and I got to be, you know, in the little potty area, the bathroom with my my neck cocked gotta get my neck cocked right so um so but i'm in one seat you know so i'm like to the guy i'm like looking around and i mean he's like what's going on and i the guy next to me which i just i just never want to talk to the people on the i'm on the plane with right and it's i don't i don't dis i don't hate them for talking because i get you got to talk with people when you're sitting next to them and that's fine but when it happens i'm

always just like all right i guess it's gonna be one of those things and that's i gotta deal with it so i say nah i gotta go to the bathroom but they got the seat belt thing on because you know me dude johnny plays by the rules and i'm serious dude you make up a rule i do the rule i do the rule and then if it just so like, if I got to piss, if I got to go TT on my pants, I do it. And then that's on you, dude. But the guy next to me, the, it was about 60 looks at me, maybe 60. And he says, ah, just get up and go. Uh, people, people do it all the time. And he says that now I didn't hear it when he said it. I heard it a few seconds afterwards because when he said it, all I, instead of hearing anything,

I smelled dead bodies. his breath dude it was a dead body breath okay it was like he was storing it was like he had a mortuary behind his lips i go i had the same reaction as i would like you wouldn't have been able to tell the difference just outside. Like inside, I was going through many different things than this situation. But if I see like a woman with a body that's amazing or this guy's smell, this guy's breath, same reaction. You would notice it in me the same thing. I went, oh.

Same reaction. Inside, different things are happening. But outside, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Oh. Oh. same reaction inside different things are happening but outside you could you wouldn't be able to tell the difference oh oh well this is a phenomenon this is a this is a phenomenon right what's going on behind those teeth bud you got some toe tags in there what's going on who lives in your mouth john doe what's going on dude let me reach in there pull out a few toe tags what's going on dude hey man what'd you eat a live rabbit

so i mean this guy's breath it was like you would think, oh, that's what Morbius's breath would smell like. He's been feasting on necks all day. And I go, oh, and I say, all right, yeah, I guess so. I couldn't shake it. Dude, when someone's breath smells bad, I can't, I can't take it. That stays with me. Do you know what it is? Assault, right? Like I have a little bit of PTSD about someone's, if it's that bad, I have PTSD about it. I mean, I would say for like less than an hour, I can't get it out of my head. And the flight was five and a half hours. And I'm like, all right, well, I'm not going to talk to it. I can't talk to this guy.

Right. If he's going to just open up and then. Right. So I turned the air. I did a little, you know, the nipple up on the top. I turned the air off that little bit chest thing. So no floaty smells would come to me. And I go pee. I sit down and dude, it was five hours. Just when my PTSD was about to

stop with the, with the, with the toe tag breath, just when that was about to happen. Uh, again, I would just be sitting like I watched movies and i would just be sitting and all of a sudden i go oh and i'd look over and i'd realize that his mouth was open for a little bit oh it was so bad dude dude it was so bad and it was happening so much i thought it was me it wasn't because i put in mints i even i was like i know it's not me just for shits i'm gonna put in mints i put in mints still happened dude i couldn't believe it don't eat toe tags man it was you know how people have that lip tattoo where it says like you know they'll do like this and it'll be like slut or they'll do like this and it'll be like whatever. He should have done like this and it's a mortuary.

Dude, it was so bad. Dude, it probably happened 12 times where I was just sitting there minding my own business and then all of a sudden assault. And I go, oh, and I look over. 60 year old. I'm trying to watch the fucking 2012 version of Total Recall. And this guy's making it, you know, it's like, dude, I can't even watch the 2012 version of Total Recall. And this guy's making it, you know? It's like, dude, I can't even watch the 2012 version of Total Recall for the second time and enjoy it. Because this guy's got to open his mouth and give me the fucking business, dude.

Who would have thought? That's the kind of face he had, too. When his breath came out, I go, who would have thought? that's the kind of guy face he had too when his breath came out i go who'd have thought a guy like you you just look regular dude alas here we are um yeah it blew my whole flight experience so i watched total recall and that's so bad that movie the new one um love all love the people in it love colin farrell love jessica beale love kate beckinsale um and the other guy from um i always forget his name from uh man that sucks too because i know him i'm an asshole aaron paul and b Cranston. He's the bad guy. He worked for literally like three days on it and was in the last

third of the movie. Anytime a big star is in the last third of the movie, he worked three days and crammed it all in and made $1 million. You know what it's like? Those fucking Paul Giamatti Verizon commercials or whatever. The AT&T ones. Dude, when you see Paul Giamatti, I go, get that back. Paul Giamatti playing Scrooge. He's like, oh, the AT&T ones. Dude, when you see Paul Giamatti, I go, get that bag.

Paul Giamatti playing Scrooge. He's like, oh, I can't find service. I'm like, get that motherfucking bag, dude. Would they pay you for fucking three commercials and you just dressed up like Scrooge and you shot it all in four hours, all three? Would they pay you two three million dollars just get that back and it's so sad in a way but also it's not get that back get that back always maximize the most money you can possibly get at any time when you're working yes that's the rule

that's why i love tupac dude if you ain't needed for the money man what's your motherfucking purpose that was one of the outlaws but you know it was on tupac songs talk about exhibit um yeah dude mob you know what i mean um money over bitches get the prison v dude it's a crass dude to be able to say money over bitches rappers get away with everything dude everything a rapper could be legitimately like he could come up from underground and break the earth and be like hello i am beelzebub and with wings flying and you'd be like yeah but he's got tight bars though i don't understand um i don't know so uh so yeah so what was i just talking about i don't remember just i know it's about the breath thing and then also the other thing but i've been because i've been back on my gabapentin dude so we're gonna we're gonna have that word

recall problems we're gonna have them word recall problems but it's all good uh appreciate you guys listen to this podcast like and subscribe we'd it. It really helps us out. Leave a comment, dude. Fuck up that algorithm. Leave a comment. Put that bell notification on, too. You know what? I don't give a fuck, man, honestly. Don't do it. Do it or don't.

I don't give a shit, man. I got to keep it real. I got to keep it real, man. They say do that. It'll help. I don't give a shit, man. We got the OG motherfuckers. We did the Lakeland show.

Absolutely, man, probably one of the best sets of the tour. Did the Daytona show. And let me tell you something, dude. I had a few tickets to sell in Daytona day of and just whoop.

The day of I sold so many tickets. I don't know what the fuck was going on. And that was it. Somebody just, it was like a little boy ran out and just goes, D'Lea's in town. D'Lea's in town. Running down the streets. D'Lea's in town. And they ran out and just goes, D'Lea's in town, D'Lea's in town,

running down the streets. D'Lea's in town and ding, ding, ding, D'Lea's in town and then do we pack that bitch out that sold out and then we did Jacksonville

and oh my, oh my God, it's the anchor. Oh, it's the anchor, isn't it? It's the anchor for the whole weekend. Ah, for fuck's sake,

isn't it? It's the anchor for the whole weekend, isn't it? Because Lakeland is in between Daytona and Orlando. Oh, isn't it? It's the anchor for the whole weekend. Ah, for fuck's sake, isn't it? It's the anchor for the whole weekend, isn't it? Because Lakeland is in between Daytona and Orlando. Oh, where is it? And Daytona is kind of a, ah, it's got the races going, but what is the place? It's got six big buildings, and they think that it's a real city because it's got one hard rock hotel. Oh, for fuck's sake.

And then Jacksonville's a yanker, right? Because it's got the Jaguars, and it's got a city and okay it's all good but dude and all over and all honestly every city was the anchor dude i'll tell you what i'll tell you what we had a great time and florida north florida you changed my perception of north florida thank you very much. You guys came out. There weren't many. Florida, the north of Florida is always kind of like a place to perform where they just scream out. Dude, there was one war and it was in Daytona. Couldn't believe it. And I said, yo, you got to stop wooing. I'm not the Jaguars. No more woos. You know, I didn't really have a chip chip on my shoulder about it.

I will say one thing that her, that therapy has helped me with is my overall, uh, quick to anger. And I feel my anger sometimes. And you got to realize that the anger isn't always the emotion that is the primary emotion. It's always the fucking one that men go to right because they're either fucking you know scared sad insecure all the fucking anger is what comes out but that's not what it is right you open the list And then we go, fuck it, I'll just go to anger. And so I was feeling my anger on Sunday, but we got through it. But my fans hold me down, dude. You guys hold me fucking down. And we appreciate you.

And that's why it's a coat. But yeah, dude, the Lakeland show was awesome. The fucking, actually the Lakeland show was the one that I wanted to, you know, look at. So I had my buddy put the camera thing on. Eh, whatever, dude. Doesn't matter. Dude, I go to, I was at the airport when we landed in in lake in uh wherever the fuck we landed we landed in tampa i think i get there my crew's going to the bathroom

so i go to starbucks i gotta get a water and this lady i was working at the starbucks you know they have them in the airport every few feet and she was had she had like it was like one of those standalone ones like that wasn't in the wall it was was, she had like a, it was like one of those standalone ones. Like that wasn't in the wall. It was like outside of the wall, you know, it was like not like it was in the middle of a terminal, just like a standalone Starbucks, like in, in, in the fucking near the gate. And I was like, I need a water. I went to get a water and the lady behind the cash register who was doing something else. Right. She was like, she was doing something else like a stock stock stocking something she's like oh i didn't even recognize you there and i say oh yeah all good and she says and it's you and i said

yeah i you know gotta be somewhere that's my thing when i say i finally figured out what to say people say hey look yeah chris leah and i say gotta be somewhere because i do and you just happen to be here as a matter of fact it's weird as fuck for you to be here too dude and we're both meeting two souls and uh and she says i didn't even recognize you there i said oh okay all good goes back to do her thing a little bit she said i'll be right with you doing her thing so i say okay um then she turns back around and she says it's good to see says, it's good to see you, man. It's good to see you out here again. And I said, okay, well, thanks. I appreciate that. Now I don't know what she's talking about. Yes, I have landed in Tampa before. Maybe she's a fan. Maybe she

knows I tour and I haven't been to Tampa in a long time. Or maybe she's just talking about because I took a little bit of a hiatus and then came back. I don't know what she's talking about. Okay. Nonetheless, she's talking to me and she's being very friendly and I took a little bit of a hiatus and then came back. I don't know what she's talking about. Okay. Nonetheless, she's talking to me and she's being very friendly. And that's awesome. So I say, that's great. Thank you very much. A few, maybe a minute goes by.

She said, be right there with you. Washing her hands. She says, is that it? Is that all you want? Do you want your espresso over ice? And I say, oh, wow. This woman is a big fan. You know what your boy gets?

I mean, you know what I mean? If you had a Crystalia trivia, what is his coffee order would be one of the questions. And if you nailed down iced espresso, I'll tell you what, you're a bigger fan than somebody who would say iced Americano because that's what I used to get. But then he graduated to some harder shit so i go wow this lady not only is a fan she's an up-to-date fan so i say uh you know what i'm not gonna get that i just actually need a bottle of water thank you very much it's pretty it's pretty late and you know i've been trying to curb my coffee, right? And she says, great. Ringing up the water. And then she says to me, how were those cupcakes that you got commissioned from me?

Commissioned from me. And I say. Oh. This was a waste. This whole thing. She says. How were those cupcakes you got commissioned? So now I'm in this spot. Where I think.

Well shit. I either got to come clean. Or. Lie. Well, shit. I either got to come clean or lie. Also, is she crazy or what's going on here? So she says, how are those cupcakes that got that you got commissioned from me? And I was like, oh, and I felt so many different emotions. I was like, this lady has a Starbucks job and she's also making cupcakes for people. And who the fuck does she think I am? And also, I know that you're not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but do I look like a guy that gets cupcake commissions? Like, am I like a guy that's like, oh, maybe I do. Maybe I look like a guy

that's like, oh, you do? You do do that? Oh, I got to get some. You do another job, even though I'm at this job, you do another job and that's the thing you do well let me hire those services like never would i ever be a guy who walks into establish an establishment for a certain thing and then purchase their side job shit you know that's weird to me. So, she says, did you get your cupcakes commissioned for me? And I just go like this. Because here's the other thing, too. In rehab, they say, rigorous honesty, dude. You got to be telling the truth about everything.

Or else you ain't shit. So, I now, in my head, I got to be like, well, if that's what they mean, do they mean that for this? Or this is just like, I don't even know this person. So I'm like, I got to be like,

well, it's actually not. I thought maybe you recognize me because I'm a comedian. I didn't got to do all this shit. I'm a comedian and I don't really know what you're talking about, the Cupcake Commission. Here's the deal. What if I say that?

And she's like, no, you got Cupcake's Commission. And I'm just like, oh, I'm dealing with a fucking lunatic with a job. Because lunatics have jobs out there, by the way. You know, we always think of lunatics as just like walking around on the street, smelling bad, talking about the government, but dude, there's lunate, there's high functioning lunatics. And this lady could be one of those. So I I'm

like, she says very quickly, I do all these thoughts in my head. She says, how are the cupcakes that you got commissioned from me? And I say, well, they were great. And now I'm nervous because I'm like, I hope that this ends before she realizes I'm the fucking absolute, you know what I mean? One of the top dog comedians, dude. I'm the fucking absolute, you know what I mean, one of the top dog comedians, dude. I hope that she realizes this before I'm some dude that fucking sells out copious theaters, dude. I hope she realizes before she can place me in one of my many TV appearances. I'm like, you know?

So I get to water and I leave and then i tell lulu about it and she and she's like laughing so i didn't you know i should have i should have maybe been honest with her but i don't even know for for all i know i don't i don't know her that honestly because i don't know her that i don't owe her that because maybe she's just a crazy person so it's all good we figured it out thank you we figured it out in this podcast i appreciate you guys i really do appreciate you guys thank you um yeah there's some fucking crazy motherfuckers at coffee shops huh like just straight up i go there's a guy a coffee shop i go to and there's a guy with tourette syndrome he's in there and one of the it's pretty alarming because i kind of like now i know but the first few times i went there i'm like is this guy just like what is he

because a lot of it would be like, you know, he would do that. And I'm just like, oh, that's completely disgusting. Don't get whatever you get usually here. You know, it's making you do that, sir. And then I realized he was saying stuff like not even really necessarily bad words. That's the other thing too. Like it would be really dope to have Tourette's, but if it will, it would be horrible to have Tourette's syndrome.

And honestly, I kind of feel like I a little bit understand Tourette's, but it would be horrible to have Tourette's syndrome. And honestly, I kind of feel like I a little bit understand Tourette's syndrome because I think that's what OCD is like a cousin of Tourette's syndrome. It really is. Because I don't have to do that shit again, but I have to do this shit again. So that's what I would... I kind of understand when somebody's like, but I got to do it. Monica Lewinsky, you know what I mean? Or whatever the fuck. I got to do it. You know? I got to do it. And they're just like, Indians are the problems. Whatever the fuck, right?

And so now I realize he has Tourette's syndrome. But do I go to this coffee shop, man? And he's always there. And here's the thing. It's a little disconcerting in the beginning. But now I go there and I love that the guy's always there doing his motherfucking thing. And the people at the coffee shop don't give a fuck about it. I love the acceptance that they have for that, that dude. I love it. Right. I just love it. The dude sitting there, he's about

60 something years old and he's yelling out shit and he's not, you know, it's not horrible stuff. Cause that's the other thing too. If you have Tourette's syndrome, you want the stuff where you're not yelling out, you know, right? Like, why can't you just be one of the, why don't they, it's always something real bad. It's never like big fan of NASCAR or whatever the fuck. How about a turkey sandwich? It's never that, that would be fucking ill as shit. That's the Tourette's I want. But, um, That would be fucking ill as shit. That's the Tourette's I want. But so he's doing that.

And that coffee shop. So just because that guy's doing that all the time when I'm there, the coffee shop is obviously lit. And I'm not going to tell you what coffee shop it is because I want to go and I don't want people. People bug me when I'm there anyway. They want pictures or whatever. What can I say? He sells a copy of theaters but um yeah dude so the coffee shop is lit they always ask me if i want for that if i have the app and it's like i don't want the

app i just let me fucking do it you know and so today i go and there was a fucking woman there, a lady there on full on on a full on Zoom meeting on her computer. Check this out, dude. No headphones. No no headphones dude just on it first of all who goes on a zoom meeting with no headphones even at home dude don't you feel exposed put Put them headphones on, lady. Dude, she's got no...

I can't believe... The things... So I walk in and first of all, I hear... And I'm like, what? What is she... Oh, she must be just watching a quick video. Because I'll tell you this much. You watch a quick video in public, no headphones, I'm good.

You want to watch a quick video? If it's 30 seconds, I'm good. Maybe that's what this lady is doing. I look over, she looks like a regular lady, nice looking regular lady. So I'm like, Hey, regular lady, go on. And then I realize, hold up. It's not stopping. I'm in line with my thing, you know? And I look over and I try to see her screen because dude, if you're going to have this and that's what, and I just, so I was just, I look at her screen, six boxes of people, Six boxes of people. None of them have headphones on either. So I'm like, what is this company? Topsy Turvy Limited?

Dude. What is this company, dude? Topsy Turvy Law Practices? what is this company dude topsy-turvy law practices topsy-turvy LLC dude so uh and and now I'm I'm like this is very interesting in the meantime the guy's in the back just like oh roar roar and then uh then I I'm listening, and she's, we just want to go over some of the discrepancies with the, when you go line by line, and the lady's just, to her computer, kind of, roar, roar, roar, every coffee shop is so lit, show me the coffee shop where there's not a lit person in 30 minutes in there, for 30 minutes, dude, if you're in a coffee shop for 30 minutes, no lit person,

you are in the middle of bum fuck nowhere, you're not in a lit coffee shop, dude, you're not in one in the city, dude, and then no bullshit i left the the the coffee shop and and and and i got hit with the dude's breath again i'm not lying i thought it was a ptsd moment and there was a homeless guy out there like and i felt bad and i was like that is what that guy's breath smelled like so and then i went to my car and noble and for real were, there was a couple in their backseat just getting it on. And I saw through their front windshield and I was just like, this is the most lit coffee shop that there has ever been in the world.

God bless these people just doing what the fuck they want. We all need to strive to be a little bit more like that. Now here's the deal. It affects everybody, right? Like you're, you're on a zoom meeting in public and there's and we just need to go over line by line in the discrepancies is the thing because what because i here's the thing i was talking to hans in germany and he was just wondering about the discrepancies on line five. And then, so it's like it affects us. But this lady, man, I was sitting here the whole time.

I sat there 30 minutes, 40 minutes at the coffee shop, and she was just on Zoom. I wish I could have joined the meeting. So, yeah. The audacity of people, but also we need to live to strive to be more like that, but do we, you know, because then I go back on it,

and I'm like, but do we, because do we, because honestly, does it really affect, maybe it affects people, I don't know dude, I go back and forth on it,

but I'm just growing and changing, I'm a person, you know, so I'm in Jacksonville, we went, so we were in Daytona. First of all, the travel agent put us up in a resort 30 minutes away from Daytona. I was like, what?

Am I retired? So my manager was like, all right, we're going to fucking actually, you want to leave the night tonight instead? And I said, yeah, let's just go to Jacksonville and then wake up in Jacksonville tomorrow. So, okay, I'll get the Sprinter van to come get us at the show and i go bet and i don't even say that file's done so uh the guy picks us up from the show we go to jacksonville and david is already you know david sullivan my friend he's done the podcast before he's the only non-failure member i've had on the podcast and he's just already like the thing thing about David is he'll just come. He comes, you watch some of the tour reports he's on, go watch them, go on the Chris Lea official channel.

He comes in hot as shit. Like, dude, the guy talks. The guy doesn't, he's a great, look, he's a great guy, a down homie, salt of the earth, genuine, generous, phenomenal, loving guy, one of my true best friends. And you would be lucky if this guy spent any time around you. But here's the thing. All of that time he's talking. Okay. So that's fine for maybe a normal person but for me when you're talking too much and it's before one in my head bombs over baghdad you know what i mean it's just like too much also here's the. He's the kind of guy who asks a question and then lets it sit a little bit and then asks more about the question.

Dude, fire them all off immediately. Fire them all off. Let's get through it. We're on the Sprinter van watching fucking Dr. Pimple Popper, which is a show where like, by the way, what? When I watch Dr. Pimple Popper, I go like this, but where are the pimples? Dude, they're like cutting out baseballs. A guy will show up with like a shark fin on the back of his neck and he'll be like, yeah, I've had it for 30 years. I just, I don't know. It's like, hey guy, why weren't you

taking, I have 11 bumps on my head that the size of either a golf ball or a softball, and I've had them on for 25 years. And it's like, hey, but guy, life though? Didn't you ever want to do anything? What about going outside? So we're watching the fucking Dr. Pimple Popper, and it's in the Sprinter van, and yes, I have TV on my Sprinter van.

Okay? And we're watching Hulu, which is where Dr. Pimple Popper is on the thing. And I put on Hulu, and is where Dr. Pimple Popper is on the thing. And I put on Hulu and he goes like this, hey man, can we get the game on though? And I was like, no. And he says, because why? Because you don't want to? And I was like, no, because you need a subscription to get the game.

And this sprinter doesn't have a subscription to Hulu. He says, oh, all right. There you go. Normal person goes like this. I wash my hands of that conversation because it's over. So I turn on Dr. Pimple Popper and under that it says what's on TV. And he says, hey, man, what's that under there? And it says Chiefs versus whoever the fuck they're playing.

And I said, yeah, that tells what else is on TV. And he said, I thought you said you can't watch the football things. And I was like, you can't because we don't have a subscription. Oh, you remember I said that? And he said, okay, man, but I'm just saying they're down there. Oh, cool. Thank you for telling me that. So now we're watching Dr. Pimple Popper and he says,

and a commercial happens on Dr. Pimple Popper. And he says, hey, man, fast forward that. And I said, well, do it. First of all, do extra thinking, right? You got the guys showing up at the door, the party's going on inside and he's saying, brought the casserole, giving you the cass casserole and then just watching the party from the inside you brought the casserole come on in and have some but this guy is just at the door of this conversation and goes like this no that's it how come you don't rewatch that for that so i say well you know how we can't watch the game because we don't have a subscription here we actually can't now this is the extra thinking part if you were to just be a regular human for a second you can't also you can't watch

yeah the obviously the subscription is making so you don't have to watch the commercials. You can't fast forward to commercials, right? And he says, all right. Oh, okay. And I just feel him, dude. We're watching the commercials, and I'm just feeling him. And, like, two commercials later, he says you fast-forwarded it earlier and i'm just like oh dude but it was during the show part wasn't it and he says so just fast forward this

part and i and i'm like are we really doing dude? Because this is a step closer to fisticuffs. Like you're not doing extra. You're not doing it. You're just, come on in, dude. Come on into the party. Have some of this dip. Drink some of this punch. Eat some of the casserole you brought.

Dance. drink some of this punch, eat some of the casserole you brought, dance. But he's just, I don't do that. So I'm like, you can't fast forward the commercials, remember that? And he says, well, you just fast forwarded already. And I said, yeah, the part of the show.

And he says, all right. And then he says, because it was the episode that we had watched in the uh hotel room and he wanted to show somebody part of it and he said well you should fast forward to the part oh he said he says i said so i no i'm sorry so i fast forwarded to the part that we want to see at the end with the guy getting the thing cut out of his neck. And he says, man. And I'm like, yeah. And he says, you just fast forwarded it.

And I said, I fast forward the show part. And he said, well, then why? But you fast forward past all the commercials. And I said, no, I didn't do it. Watch. Watch what happens now. The commercials come on. And I say, you got to watch the commercials if you fast forward this shit because those are the ads.

You can't fast forward the commercials. And I wanted to. That's what I imagined. You know what I mean? And he says, so now we got to watch all the commercials on the TV that we skipped. And I said, dude, we finally got to the part where I don't know. But it doesn't matter. So I'm and I'm like, I got to sit with this motherfucker.

Just like, why all the who am I? Chris Hulu? I don't know. Just fucking can we? I'm all steaming. I just want to watch the guy's back of the neck get fucking, I want to see his bumps removed. And so that's what he's like, right? So we're watching Dr. Pippa Popper. We show everyone.

Everyone's flipping out because the guy's getting his neck sawed off or whatever. So we get to Jacksonville. We go to sleep, whatever the fuck. And then it's like the next day he wakes up and it's and I have a text from him in the text group and it said, no bullshit.

It says this. I reserve the court at 1230. I'm going to get paddles now. Meet at the court, y'all. It's 11 something. And he says, meet at 12. And now I'm offended because you don't know me. First of all, huh?

Second of all, don't put money down on anything expecting me. I'm going to be there. Okay. Second of all 12 30 i wake up at 12 paddles you want me moving around within 30 minutes dude i can't even talk to you until three. So I'm looking at the rest of the text and Denny and Lulu are like, oh man, already? Oh, what? And I go, and I say, hey, we got to not do this. I got to get coffee. I'm getting coffee. Denny and Lulu are like, yeah, you get coffee. And then I'm like, what is this? And I realized it's paddle ball or no pickleball. Ah, fucking, you get coffee. And then I'm like, what is this? And I realized it's a paddle ball or no pickleball.

Ah, fucking, you know, there's so many of them. There's so many different sizes of paddles and balls and heaviness of balls. And the courts are different sizes. And then there's even a table one, like a ping pong. It's like figure out the good one. And then that's it. It's in between somewhere tennis and ping pong, which it might be pickleball. Maybe paddleball. I don't know.

I used to play. Oh, I played all of them. But it's like, if we figured it out, great. But we should have already figured it out. So now there's pickleballs all the rage and people are like, oh, they love how Emma, whoever did the Twilight shit is into it. Or not, not her.

No, the one who did the, the one who played in the wizard movie, Harry Potter. Who's that one who played in the Wizard movie, Harry Potter. Who's that one? Emma Watson. She's like, you look at a pickleball hashtag and it's like every picture is of Emma Watson doing the thing. And so I'm like, you want to play pickleball? And I just go, I've got to get a coffee, dude.

This is literally – you want me to – by the way, here's the thing. You don't play sports where you need to get equipment for for less than an hour. It's like you've got to play for at least an hour, but most of the time, way more than that. So I'm like, I also have to do a show tonight. I'm doing 70 minutes for 2,800 people. Your boy's got to be ready. Okay? And here's the other thing.

I don't wake up and not take a shower. I wake up and I take a shower. So this means I got to take two showers. So anyway, this is all the stuff that's going on in my mind. And I said, we got to get a coffee. So we do. We went and we did a fucking one sip coffee review. It's over on the Crystal Lee official channel.

We went to side somewhere. Some coffee. It was good. So go check that out. But it might not be up yet. But so we get to coffee. And David. No, we go in the lobby to meet.

Get to coffee without David. Because we don't know where the fuck he is. He's MIA doing something. Pickleball mission. It's like noon something. It's like maybe 1230 when the courts were already reserved. And David comes walking in. Cause we're waiting for everyone to go to get the coffee,

waiting for the Uber. David comes walking in with a sack dude with like, not a bag. It's like a sack with handles coming out of it. Four of them. So now I'm like, Oh, were you at the courts?

And he's like, yeah, man, for like 20 minutes. And I said, Oh, Oh, so it was like one, right? Already. coming out of it four of them so now I'm like oh were you at the courts and he's like yeah man for like 20 minutes and I said oh oh so it's like one right already is it really and he said yep I said well uh what were you doing there and he said I don't know man everyone already had players with each other so I was just kind of playing by myself and I said I was like you just went to the pickleball courts hoping for the best with four paddles? Like, what the fuck? What is this? White men can't jump?

Like, this is not. You didn't go to the fucking. It's not basketball, dude. So he comes back and I'm like, you were just there. Yeah, I was just hitting back and forth. I don't know. Just kind of smashing it. I'm like, oh, dude, you're a loser, man. I was just hitting back and forth. I don't know. Just kind of smashing it. I'm like,

Oh dude, you're a loser, man. You're 45 doing this. And so I'm like, well, we got to go get a coffee. So we go get a coffee and he's got the fucking sack of pickleball, uh,

paddles. We get to the coffee place. We're drinking the coffee, sitting down and we're eating the fucking sandwiches. And David's just like this. This is what David's doing. He's looking at his phone. He's going like this.

Well, I'll be damned. And I was like, what? And he said, the pickleball court is literally across the street. And I i in my head i'm like who hoodwinked me who was it because sam my camera guy was saying that this was the coffee shop that we could go to did david have a like a sidebar discussion with him and said we should go to this place so now i'd be close because the only way i'm going to do the pickleball shits is if i am right there because i'm i'm in I'm in my fucking yeezys. I'm in,

like, I don't want to, I'm not ready. My manager's in jeans and fucking Keds or whatever the hell he wears on his feet. I think they're Vans or Keds. And like, so we go over there and he got me, dude. I played, I played pickleball for the, they've been trying to get me to play fucking pickleball. And dude, I won my first game. I won two games, dude. So I'm fucking, I don't know, man. I'm a force to be reckoned with, dude. Swear to God. And, uh, you know, it was a good time. And then that's the thing I'm talking about is we got back in the car afterwards. And then I started to sweat after I'm done playing. Like I didn't sweat when I play because my body's like, no, no, no, no, no. We need need it all for now and then afterwards I just start pouring

sweat and we're in the car and he's like how are you I'm like I'm sweating dude I'm pissed off that now that I liked it and had a good time that's the curmudgeon in me dude I don't want to be forced to have a good time man what the hell's wrong with me I'm sure a lot of you identify with that um but yeah time, man. What the hell's wrong with me? I'm sure a lot of you identify with that. But yeah. Yeah, but we have a good time, dude. We have a good time on the road. And then I went home. I had to take another shower. I went to the hotel. I had to take another shower and then fucking change my clothes and then went and I did a show. And I wasn't even really that sore. I thought I was going to be sore, but I wasn't. And it was all good. We had a good time.

I appreciate you guys coming out in Jacksonville, Daytona, and Lakeland. Man, Lakeland, it's so funny doing the cities that are so close to each other because they all talk shit about each other. I did Lakeland, and I was talking about others. I was going to Jackson and Daytona, and they were all like, boo. And then I go to Daytona, and I said something about Jacksonville they were all like, boo. And then I go to Daytona and I said something about Jacksonville. They're like, boo. And I'll go to Jacksonville. And then I said something about Lakeland and I was like, and, and Daytona and they weren't saying shit. And I was like, yo, you know what they said about you? They were booing. And they were like, what the fuck? So you go to the city, they hate the city two hours away. And it's true. I don't know what the fuck that's all about there's just it's a stupid pride where you just you have you're just proud because

of the where you end up where you ended up you literally just have pride because you were born somewhere it's like that fucking old seinfeld joke about how like you root for the teams but really you're just rooting for the jerseys because the players keep changing i don't know i think that's a seinfeld joke but i don't know i gotta get rid of this black nail polish um dude i was at uh oh let me talk about this i was in hardy as a musician a country musician a fucking it was like it's like good country though it's like even if you're not a country person you kind of like it and i went to his album release party because he invited me and i went to the Roxy and I watched him perform. The dude kills it.

Love Hardy. He kills it. And I was there and Young Gravy was there. Tall drink of water. And then fucking I turn around. Machine Gun Kelly's there. And he sees me and I'm like, oh, what's up, bro? And we shake hands and shit.

And Machine Gun Kelly was talking about the podcast and how um he watches it and uh i wanted to give a shout out to fucking hardy young gravy and then also machine gun kelly who i fucking love machine gun kelly because dude this guy was like you gotta bring back the fucking misconnections and i I was like, really? I was like, but that shit writes itself. Like he was like, dude, that shit kills me.

And I was like, I don't know it. Cause I feel like that's, he's like, that's a funny, that's one of the funniest things. And I'm like, but that isn't even me doing it.

It's like these motherfucking people that are just lunatics. And he was like, so you got to bring that shit back. So next episode, I'm going to bring back the misconnections. Okay. Okay. Just remind me um and that's for machine gun kelly guys a tall drink of water you know what dude i saw machine gun kelly and i whenever i see machine gun kelly i'm reminded about how fucking yeah dude this guy's got that fucking thing that star power that sex appeal and i'm all fucking gay for

it whatever so um yeah we stan him and uh and then we talked me and him and young gravy and hardy and shit shout out to hardy check out his new album uh it was at the rock we did it we were at the roxy and I'm a country fan. Hollywood's so funny, man. Hollywood is the most insane shit because it's like, um, because it's like, you'll just be,

I forget though that like, you know, when you have a little bit of fame, you go somewhere. And when there's other people with a little bit of fame, it's like this club that you're in. And it kind of sucks because it's so hard to get in that club. But then when you're in it, you forget that it sucked because you're like, finally, I'm accepted. And now you can hang out with like fucking, you know,

Neil Patrick Harris or something. And it's like, do I want it? What is even this? You know, am I, is this what I'm doing it for? Cause dude, I have a family. I have a son. I have a wife. Like what matters to me?

I mean, look, good people are good people, whether they're famous or not, but it's like, it's just like too much, man. It was actually a trip to talk though,

about like to Hardy and, uh, machine gun Kelly, uh, about like my podcast. It's always a trip to talk, though, about like to Hardy and Machine Gun Kelly about like my podcast. It's always a trip. It's a trip. I'm very grateful. It's just so fucking weird, man.

Bodyguards are crazy. I don't have bodyguards. But if you're a musician, you obviously have to have a bodyguard. And when musicians show up, they're just like hey move and you're like oh i'm dude i i'm a fucking comedian it's all good man like yeah but we gotta make way you're like okay they're just sitting around and shit it's so confusing um i gotta get some bodyguards for real dude you know what i gotta get some bodyguards just for the fuck of it and also well i do get death threats by the way but i gotta get some bodyguards but i'm talking about you know people usually have like two bodyguards at the most your boy i'm gonna whatever ancillary budget i have

that's going for bodyguards and i'm getting 11 i'm getting i want to walk around with 25 bodyguards at all the biggest dudes. And like, you know, people there's always like, Oh, you, Oh, people are always like the racist. People are like, Oh, big black body. No, dude. Fuck all that. You ever seen a Croatian? You ever seen a fucking Croatian? You might as well hire a tree with limbs to bodyguard you. Dude, to guard your body. I will tell you, no, you know what? Fuck all that. I'm getting one bodyguard.

I'm paying whatever Kevin Costner cost because he was in the movie. No, I'm getting fucking 25 Croatians to help me. Dude, you ever seen it? You think because the big black guys are the ones that everyone wants. You seen a fucking Croatian bodyguard? Have you seen a Croatian salesman? You can't move him, dude. I was when I used to do jujitsu.

I quit. No joke. After a Croatian came in and was like, hey, I would like to sign up for classes. And I was like, uh, OK. The guy was like, okay, come on in. Chris, get with him. Dude, I had been doing it for five years. Okay. Let's go, dude. Whatever his name is. Let's go. I put him in my guard. Stay, dude, 12 minutes just that's a tree

it's a folding it's not even a folding chair it's just a chair you can't move them i'm getting 25 croatian bodyguards that's what i'm getting little ones too You can't move them. I'm getting 25 Croatian bodyguards. That's what I'm getting. Little ones, too. It's going to look like, you know, the fucking me. I'm with the Lollipop Guild. Like, just absolutely just jumping on people's backs if they even look at me wrong. What the fuck? What's this?

We call him the backpack. It doesn't matter though. You're going to be dead in four seconds. You don't need to know that information. The backpack's got you. And he's going to have an actual backpack on and an even littler one's going to come out and then fucking move around the front

and just punch a guy's face while he's getting choked out. Yeah, you thought the... Yeah, the Croatian ones are the ones to get i know everyone thinks that the big right the big black ones but no the croatian ones so oh dalia's on that next level croatian bodyguard shit he's like bro you think oh you thought that fucking mgk had the two biggest bodyguards watch when dalia comes dude croatians um so anyway i you, that's the thing, I'm going to be in Sugarland, I'm going to be in New Orleans, and I'm going to be in New York, and Chicago, and Rhode Island, those are my next

dates, I'm in Austin, and Minneapolis as well, I'm gearing up to shoot my special, be on the lookout for when that's going to be dropping, what city I'm going to be doing it in, really happy with my act, I'm loving stand up again and uh i appreciate you all coming out and showing some love so get those tickets at crystalia.com i'll see you soon louisiana i'll see you soon um the fucking one i said whatever whatever it was sugarland houston houston and then uh houston and then Houston, and then San Antonio. New York, New York, Rhode Island. Let's get the vets, dude.

Hey, guys, that's it for the YouTube version. If you want the raw, the uncut, the uncensored, extra long version, go over to patreon.com slash chrisdalia. Go over to patreon.com slash chrisdalia, and you get it for only $6, and you also get all the other backlogged episodes of Congratulations. It's also great for gifting yes so go get it and uh we appreciate you dude thank you Thank you.