Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 299. If I Retire, That's It

Episode Date: February 9, 2023

😏 If you want totally ads/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris tells tales of his recent trip to Florida, as well as his thoughts on pickleball, bodyguards, overly calm pilots and how lit coffee shops are.This week Chris watches Slap Fighting Championship, talks about the decline of rap, Tom Brady retiring (again), and a weather prognosticating groundhog. Plus the return of Missed Connections!  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

yes it's another day another beautiful day uh it is wednesday for the patreon people and it is thursday for the people who watch us on youtube and i just want to say dude uh i am really uh happy i am recording this a few days a week before because I had to because I wouldn't be here for the Monday when I normally record it, babies, and I am doing, um, what do you call it? Uh, so, so, I would

normally come, and I'm gonna do the intro, but I would normally come and be like, hey guys, San Antonio, New Orleans, and, uh, Sugarland was amazing, but I didn't do it yet. So dude, this is the future episode of Congratulations. We are in the future. We are in the future.

I guess what it means is we're in the past is actually what I mean. We are in the past because I did this episode. Let's see. What is it? Wednesday? Thursday? About a week ago. Bing.

Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing.

Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing.

Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing.

Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing.

Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. bing bing bing bing bing abado and you remember and then that guy killed someone and then went to jail for like six years i i i don't know the bobby schmurda you go to jail for like if you're a rapper you go to jail for like six years if you kill someone i don't really understand what that is but hey god bless and also uh he did his time and then he came out and everyone's like fuck yeah free bobby schmurda he's out and he's out dude fuck yeah, free Bobby Shmurda. He's out and he's out, dude. And now he's just getting fucking millions of followers and millions of likes. And the guy

fucking killed someone. And you know what, dude? I don't know, man. It's very weird, but it's also, you know, it's how it is. So that's what's up, my baby. And so he's out there. He's gonna make some fucking bangers now, dude. I mean, honestly, jail for hip hoppers is like the fucking credibility. When fucking shine gets out, forget it. When shine gets out. Oh, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then. Remember that song? so bad um remember when fucking he was like yeah i'm i i took the rap for for diddy or whatever and now diddy's got like a quadrillion million dollars and shine's just sitting in jail is he still in jail i don't know but uh and then like he took the rap or whatever i you know i don't know what it was but he shot somebody for

diddy hey dude no you know how people are like stop snitching or don't snitch you know how like mafia guys are like yeah i went to jail for fucking nine years because i wouldn't i'm no i'm no rat dude that's the movies man i see someone do something and the cops come to me. Hey, it was that guy. So yes, I will be in New York City, New York City, February 18th. I'll be in Rhode Island, February 17th. I think that's sold out. I'll be in Chicago. That's sold out. I will be in, where else am I going to be, by the ways? Let me look it up. Let me look it up. I will be in Kansas City, Missouri. Springfield, that's sold out. Tulsa, Oklahoma. Midland, Texas. Your boy doesn't really sell tickets in Midland. What the fuck? I'll figure. But it's all good, dude, because he keeps

the seats warm in other spots. Like Austin, Texas, where he added another one. Oh, Jesus Christ. like Austin, Texas, where he added another one. Oh, Jesus Christ. Austin, Texas. Milwaukee, Minneapolis. I'm going to do it there. Added another show at State Theater. Columbus, Ohio.

Cincy, Cincinnati. Boise and Salt Lake City, Utah. And more. I told my guess what I told my my tour guy. I said, hey, guy, are we taking summer off? And he says, yeah, summer is not really a great place to. It's not a good time for a comedian to tour because a lot of festivals people want to be outside i go like this hey dude book more that's what i did and i did that strictly i strictly said book more because i go like this man i got a lot of motherfucking haters out there and then i go like this, man, I got a lot of motherfucking haters out there. And then I go like this, damn it, I'm on the road.

And I go like this. Hmm. I process it. And then I think about what the fuck would Tupac do? What would Tupac do? Double it. I'm going to keep doubling it until they kill me. So I go like this.

Summertime, book more. So now, now I book more so now now i book more now i book more that's what happens i'm on my new shit dude book more so bitch how i did it but um yeah dude I'm gonna come to different places dude Extra paper scoop that up Sensational Like that's just how it's gonna be from now on Keep screaming Absolutely scoop extra paper Biles done

That's what it's gonna be dude Biles done So That's the best impression I do by the way Biles done Yeah dude I just It's like you know I do, by the way. Biles done. Yeah, dude. I just, it's like, you know, I got two dates coming up in May.

I'm having a baby in April. So it's like, what more you want from me, dude? I'm going to be a guy with two kids. Dude, that's hilarious. Like and subscribe. You know what I mean? It's for my family. So, but yeah, we have a good time. I'm going to be in all those cities and I can't wait, dude.

The hour is really coming along, dude. Can't wait to be in New York. I can't wait to be in New York. I'm going to be in all those cities. And I can't wait, dude. The hour is really coming along, dude. Can't wait to be in New York. I can't wait to be in New York. I'm going to see a lot of family. I'm going to see a lot of friends that I want to and some extended family I don't. And because, you know, he's a city boy. What can he say? He's a city boy.

He's not a city boy. He grew up in Moncler, New Jersey. But his dad was a city boy. His dad was a city boy. He grew up in Queens. That's, he grew up in Mass with Queens, right? And his dad's name was Bam, right?

My grandpa's name was Vincent. They called him Bam because when he was younger, he was skinny like a bamboo stick. He then got a belly and it's all good. And my dad always says I remind me of him

and it's beautiful and I love him. But I had a grandpa Bam and a grandma Dottie. Eh? Se? Maspeth, Queens,

New York. It's Italian. bam and a grandma dotty eh se maspith queens new york um it's italian um so yeah dude and um that's how we do it we're gonna double it we're gonna keep doubling it until they kill me uh tupac was great man remember when lil zan said he didn't like tupac because his music wasn't good and i was just like you know it's okay i get. I get it, man. Hip hop has changed, right? It really has changed. It really has changed. And it's crazy actually how much, to be brutally honest with you guys.

Actually, there was a bunch of stuff, a bunch of topics. Can you send me the thing? Oh, you have it right here? Is it here? Oh, it's a bookmark. You got the bookmark you got the bookmark dude um hip-hop has really changed i don't understand look at tupac on the fucking

scooter that's so dope dude um i don't know if um i already talked about pickleleball, right? Yeah, I did. I don't know if hip-hop is... It's crazy how bad it is now, okay? Now, I don't mean all hip-hop. There's good people out there that are fucking doing good hip-hop and, like, Nas is still killing it. But it's, like, also... Everything is auto-tuned. I don't know, man.

Was it T-Pain that fucking ruined it all? His shit kind of banged, though. I didn't know this, but I was talking to a buddy of mine. Oh, it was my cameraman. 29 years old. And his name is Sam. And he was like, dude, remember how fucking big T-Pain was? And he's like, that was my childhood.

And I'm like, no. I don't know. T-Pain to me was when I was 32. And I'm like, what is this, dude? You know, he said Manchin and Wisconsin, and I go, What did he say? Manchin with what? Wisconsin? I don't even wear shoes that make that noise but you know I did

I did then and yeah dude I just can't do it are you fucking kidding me shine is out and a politician on the of course it is news shine the rapper that fucking look at And a politician? On the of course it is news. Shine, the rapper that fucking, look at this.

Jamal Michael Barrow, best known as the stage name by Shine, is a Belizean rapper and politician. He's the leader of the opposition in the Belize House of Representatives. And the leader of the Belize United Democratic Party. Barrow was, for those of you who don't know who Shine is, he was a guy on Bad Boy Records that sounded like Biggie, and he was like a guy that rapped, and Diddy was like the person that found the next Biggie, and then he had a short-lived career,

had one song that went, and then shot somebody and then went to jail. On the verge of releasing his... Yeah, here we go. On the evening of December 27, 1999, he went to a nightclub with his mentor, label boss, P. Diddy, Sean Combs, and then girlfriend, Jennifer Lopez. An argument broke out in the club between Combs and another man. Guns were drawn, shots fired, and three bystanders were injured. On June 2001, he was convicted of assault and sentenced to 10 years in prison.

His 2000 debut album was nevertheless a success, and he continued to record music while incarcerated. Dude, how are rappers doing that? You always hear about rappers that are like, who's got to fucking... How are you recording music incarcerated? I feel like even if you freestyle

too loud, the guard's like, yo, shut the fuck up. And these guys are coming out with full-fledged EPs or LPs or fucking honestly, how do you do that? Oh, look at this. While serving his prison side, this guy became interested in Judaism. Became a reserve and practiced Orthodox. He's a Jew?

Is that what it is? Is this what I'm reading right? Orthodox? became a preserved and practiced Orthodox. He's a Jew? Is that what it is? Is this what I'm reading right? Orthodox? He's an Orthodox Jew, dude? I mean, he practically was doing it speaking Hebrew in that song. His new song. I'm not a high, my high.

I'm his new song. Oh, bring Killy boy. Lloyd Lloyd Lloyd. Oh, I'm going to get canceled again after he was released in prison in 2009. Dude, he did nine years, bro. Holy fucking shit, man. He spent time. He studied the Torah up to 12 hours a day, dude.

Holy shit. He returned to Belize in 2013 and was appointed to Belize Music. And God bless, man. The guy turned his life around. Didn't kill someone, injured someone, and went to jail for nine years. Fuck. That is crazy.

Do you remember that song, though? Do people remember that song? Ah. Ah, shine. Do you remember that song though? Do people remember that song? Ah Ah Shine Bad Boys This was the song I gotta play a little bit

Because I don't want to get demonetized But Here we go Not it Or things like check-in Great pissed Dude I already I signed in the other day dude

It's so annoying. That part. That song. Touch the hot stove. So, yeah, dude, that's amazing that he's a politician. That's the thing that you can do if you fuck up big time. How crazy is it that if you fuck up big time you can just run a country it's like you can't get a job at like a fucking agency in hollywood or you

can't get a job at like some big corporation but you can run a country. All these motherfuckers, dude. I swear to God, pretty soon the country is going to be run by, honestly. Like, fucking. Well, I fucked it up. Can't even think of two people. I have one, but I don't want to do the one without the other. Jeremy Piven and Caitlyn Jenner. She killed someone. Um, so yeah, dude, I just, uh, so anyway, I was cooking eggs earlier with Calvin. Um, and, uh, it was a beautiful thing. I woke up and he ate four muffins. My nanny gave him four muffins,

uh, four little muffins, you know, and they count that. My wife counts that as breakfast, by the way, when I count that as a dessert. But so I'm like, did he eat well? And she's like, yeah, he ate breakfast. And then later on, I'll find out that he just ate like four muffins and some gummy bears, which is fine. I mean, he needs calories and, you know, his thing is eating a lot of people's dad, you know, a lot of people's sons and sons and shit and daughters or children, whatever,

they have like the thing where it's like they're not smart or they're not, you know, active or they're not this. Mine is, my son is just like, oh, dude, you think I need to eat? Fuck off. Oh, you think I need to eat, huh? No, I don't. And he'll just hold out for those gummy bears or jujubes or some shit. Dude, the other day he was, he came to me, and he had these gummy bears.

I don't even know. By the way, he gets in the pantry. This is why I know I'm fucked, by the way. This is why I know it's going to be a tough day for my son eating. I'm watching TV, and I hear from the kitchen, and I'm like, I'm fucked. He comes up with a little bag of gummy bears, which, by the way, I don't know who got them. I said to my wife, I said, where did we get these?

And she says, I have no idea. They just appear. That's how good General Mills is or whatever, whoever is Little Debbie Snacks. I don't know. And he says, can I have this, Dad? And I said, buddy, you didn't eat breakfast. I don't know if you should eat these. You can have a few because I'm sucker, right?

Sucker central. And my son goes like this. More and more and more and more and more and more. I want 10 of them. And I laughed, dude. And I said, Calvin, you have to eat actual food. And he starts crying. And I fucking don't give it to him. I was like, we can't eat these, dude. And I said, Calvin, you have to eat actual food. And he starts crying. And I fucking don't give it to him.

I was like, we can't eat these, dude. We got to eat an actual real food. Okay, so then he grabs the bag, brings it over to my nanny, or his nanny, and says, can I have these? And she's like, your dad said you need to eat real food. That's a dessert food. you need to eat real food. That's a dessert food. You need to eat real food. And then he cries, brings them back, puts them down. Then fucking, I go to do Lifeline, the other podcast here on Super Good, on the Super Good channel. I come back. My parents are over. They said they were going to come over. They're going to come over to hang out with Calvin.

Okay. I'm chilling for a little bit. My son is in the other room and my grandpa, his grandpa, Pop Pop, is in the other room. Calvin comes back

eating the fucking gummy bears and I say, what, where'd you get those? And he says, Pop Pop. My dad comes in and my mom's like,

oh, Pop Pop is a sucker. I guess that's what grandpas are supposed to do. And it was cute. So then today I was like, I got to get some actual real food in them. And I made, we made eggs. We made eggs and it was a beautiful thing. He loves stirring it.

And then I was giving him eggs and he goes like, and I said, you like them? We made good eggs, huh? And he said, yes, we did. And it was so freaking cute, dude. Let's do this because this is a thing and i actually can't believe it to be brutally honest with you guys slap league i don't at wills fargo this is damn it god i need to sign in we we look dude i signed in okay god i'm dripped out with the Kith shit. You can't even see it, but it's got beautiful different colors.

We love Kith, but this is the ABC thing. Guys, I want to talk to you about Pure Spectrum. This is a product that I use that is great. Pure Spectrum CBD, and you can go get 15 look a lot of cbd companies they fucking they talk about shit and they say it works whatever i am telling you i started using this thing and it works my anxiety is kept at bay um i'm just generally overall happier and i I don't mean like tra-la-la happy. I just mean I could deal with shit. I'm less of a curmudgeon. I don't snap.

Between therapy and using this CBD, it helps. It's called Pure Spectrum. Go to the Pure Spectrum website and type in congrats. You will get 15% off the Pure Spectrum products. It is great, man. And I'm using it. I partnered with this company and I'm using them because it really helps.

So I got them. Originally it was 10% off. I got them to do 15% off for the listeners of Congratulations. So go try it, dude. Try taking the CBD gummies. I like the gummies. You can do the droppers too. I do the droppers. But it helps your overall

mood and anxiety. And at least for me me it just makes me able to like do things like be at weddings and not be like i gotta leave this wedding i'm having fun at weddings now um it really helps man so go and go to that pure spectrum website and type in code congrats and you will get 15 off it helps thank you very much guys guys. Back to the show. There we go. Okay. Nope, nope. I did a commercial for Burger King once.

All right, cool. Dude, two chicks. Whoa. They're kind of hot. Ooh. That's brutal. No. I'm done after that. That's Logan Paul doing this. Wow. That's crazy. Governor, what'd you think of that?, my God, dude. Dude, what is this country coming to?

Two hot women slapping each other. And then I'm like, well, this is just pinnacle idiocracy. And then you find out Arnold Schwarzenegger is there. It's South Park, you know? This is just absolutely, I'm glad I wasn't receiving the slap. Running his words together so much, dude. I'm glad I wasn't receiving the slap. She's got this form nailed down.

Hey, you know, they're slapping each other, dude. The chin is tucked. Oh, the way she's revving up. Oh, didn't make it. Hit the top of her head. Oh, wow. Oh, no, big dudes. Look at the way they're hopping up and down.

This is a league? SFC! SFC! SFC! Of course, dude. The most hardcore dudes from Poland. Look at how big these guys are. Hey, guys. Just wrestle.

The two most fucking hardcore. Dude, Slovakia. Holy shit. Here we go. All right, Governor. As a weightlifter, does he have an advantage being a powerlifter and slap fighter? No, I think it's all about

your skills. Specific skills. Arnold Schwarzenegger got paid $2 million. He has the equal chance. Who is the toughest? Who can take it, right? Here we go. Toth will go first. The toughest who can take it, right? Here we go. Toth will go first. The toughest who can take it, you know. Punched him.

Oh, he almost fell. I've seen him wobble a little bit. He did wobble. This is just horrible. But the folks do. The judges saw something. I mean... Alright, let's see this.

Checking his chin. You cannot drop your chin to obstruct that jaw. Okay. Jesus Christ. Here we go. This is horrible, dude. Bad Max. Done.

He's gone. Bad Max. Dude, this is horrible, man. Why are they doing it? Dude, what? is horrible man why are they doing it dude what this is the thing dude these guys don't get paid you know like they're not getting paid this is slap fighting championship this is so so so bad oh wait is there more people getting knocked out wait there's there's let's watch this one. This is...

This is at the end. Oh, my. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Fuck, dude. He's so angry-looking. Piccolo, also known as Mr. Clean Because he slaps the cleanest I mean

Dark Is that true? Says it on the card Dude How mad do you get When you get hit every time I feel like the UFC dude When you get smacked

And that sting, bro. Holy freaking shit, dude. Wow. This is just stupid. Yeah, dude, Tom Brady's retired. Dude, he, look, I

understand Tom Brady's like 45 or something, right? He's a little older than me. He looks great. He's in great shape. Tom Brady, I don't like people that retire more than once. I don't like when people retire more than once. Jay-Z did it when he was 33 and then fucking kept doing it.

Now he's got bigger than ever. I don't like when people retire or and then decide to come out of it. There's no coming out of retirement for me. For me, you retire, you're done. I don't watch you anymore, dude. I don't watch the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I don't watch the Jay-Z, you know,

after the fucking it's a hard knock life. I was done because he retired, dude. He said it on David Letterman or whatever the fuck. And I don't, you know, props to you for retiring. I think, Tom, here's the deal. You want to go out on top, I get it, but you also want to keep playing the game. But here's the deal, too, is that Tom Brady is so rich.

He done. Dude, if I make whatever he got, $300, $500 million. Hey. For real, dude. Oh, okay. I'm done. And that's not to say I do stand up for money. You know, I do it because I love it, but also money.

I want it. You need to know the value of your worth. If you're not going to pay me for the fucking show, but also money. I want it. You need to know the value of your worth. If you're not going to pay me for the fucking show, not doing it. Even though love it would do it for free, not gonna, right? Tom Brady would play football for free, but also not gonna. You know what I'm saying? Once you establish your worth, pay me it. I want the racks.

You're not going to give it to me? Bye. He made $500 million. Bye. Dude, the guy's got to deal with sketchers or some shit probably you know and also cheerios and wheaties whatever the fuck he's got you know how many endorsements he's got he's probably got something for icy hot he's got some real estate and development you know he's got money in the probably he's got my dude the guys

when you got 500 million dollars also you definitely belong in jail because you did something fucked up and you don't even know by the way your business manager is like ah fuck it yeah you know i didn't mean to i put money into the sex trade industry in china i'm sorry i fucked up dude i know i fucked up dude but this is my now i yeah i know dude you were playing for the buccaneers you would have known if you if you listened to Gisele and you quit, you probably would have caught that we were cooking the books, but you didn't. Now you got to go to jail.

Sorry, dude. So, yeah, dude, you know, retire once and then that's it. If I retire, that's it, dude. Don't come see me again if I do another show. You got to have another career. I'm not into it. But, you know, God bless Tom Brady. I hope he repatches shit up with Giselle.

I like those couples, man. I don't like when people break up. It makes me sad. That was the all-American Brazilian couple, man. Giselle, huh? Wow. Just, I thought that Tom Brady makes a crazy more amount of money than Giselle. Google it. Dude, Giselle's Gucci. When you start modeling for fucking cream. Anything cream.

Face skin lotion. That's it, dude. The makeup industry. You're modeling for the makeup industry or cream, dude? You think Tom Brady makes money for throwing a football? Giselle comes in and goes like this. What about what I rub all over my face? Cream.

So Giselle, you know, I don't know if Tom's going to get half from the divorce. Honestly, if Tom Brady were really about it, he should fucking say, yo, you owe me half. And then, God god how much sitting pretty are they how sitting pretty are they uh so yeah i don't know i fucking more power to tom brady for retirement but just that's it dude if you imagine being 45 and retired and just fucking being on boats the rest of your life i don't even like boats you just do it for the fucking you know what i mean you just do it for the fucking point of it. Just sitting in big couches near fireplaces, just fucking God damn it. I'll start with the documentary. Let me, let me ask you a question. Why, why would you get to a certain amount of

money? And I'm, I don't mean Tom Brady money. I don't mean Giselle money. I mean more. I mean more than that. I mean, uh, who was the guy who did the drug ring in uh colombia the fucking what's his name the big guy el chapo when you get that money what is it about that money that makes you think and this has happened to everyone who's got that kind of money and that's a lot of that's that's not that many people that's a lot of money right i'm talking about like kings and so and and and like princes what is it about that money i'm talking about billions and billions not two billion i'm talking about billions and billions of dollars like 50 billion even more a hundred billion dollars like when you have like we're talking about stacks dude what is it about that money that makes you go like this

i need a zoo do you know i'm talking about el chapo dude there's a huge hippo problem in colombia because el chapo goes dude i need some hippos then got killed and then the hippos do what hippos do fuck and eat and multiply dude there are so many hippos in club dude they started out with a few hippos there's like hundreds of hippos now hippos are dangerous as shit dude and they're well what is it about the billions of where you like need a white tie you need a white tiger collection? Or you need like, dude, these birds are only, if you, and now it's like the animal purists are like, well, now the hippos are here.

They shouldn't be here, but they are here. So we got to kind of, we got to conserve. We got to make sure that they're not shoot them all uh when it comes to animals i'm racist as fuck animals go back to your fucking country animals the animals where you're born stay there because here's the deal it becomes our problem wow i sound racist it becomes our problem when you, now all of a sudden we got fucking like, Australia is fucked. When you go to Australia, you ever hear the birds in Australia? They're just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And there's a million of them. And you're just like at the park chilling with your dog trying to throw a Frisbee. And the birds are just, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the birds don't even. They weren't even born. Dude shoot them all. But you can't right. It's too late.

So my point is. Animals got to stay where they are. Hey go back to country birds. That's me. In Australia. Go back to your fucking country. I don't even know if marsupials. Are fucking.

We're born there. Right. So it's like. there are so many animals in these countries that don't belong there and they're fucking up the ecosystem aren't they dude and you know me dude

I'm Mr. Greenpeace I care about the environment I don't use hairspray I cut the fucking the six pack of cola shits I cut it and I throw it away so the dolphins don't get killed remember

when they did that shit when you were younger they would be like when you're young dude there was a gi joe it was like you know how they have those fucking psa's on the gi joe be like gi joe and some guy with a mustache and a fucking and a and a green like uh army suit would just be like hey what are you doing kid and the kid's like i'm just throwing away the six-pack thing yeah kid but you know that those can choke fish what really yeah and then he goes and saves a fish and takes it off so you gotta cut him really yeah look and he throws it away and it winds up in a leg and the fish just fucking swims past it and it's like gi joe dude hey, fish, you get caught in a fucking six-pack of pib? In a six-pack carrier of what used to be on pib?

Hey, fish, bye. G.I. Joe, that's me out there. Hey, kid, what you doing? Throwing away that thing? Make sure to get it near the fish, because if they choke on it, they deserve it. Let's kill some flounders. G.I. Joe

Hey, looks like some mackerels are going to die G.I. Joe Hey kid, I'm a computer That shit was so funny from E-bombs World But, um, yeah dude They never dealt with the real hard-hitting issues It was like, hey kid If you get sore, put a band-aid on it

G.I. Joe Some fucking guy in a red helmet Like not even a real fucking What did G.I. Joe become? It was like so weird They made so many characters and then all of a sudden They made fuck and then they made Chuckles

And he was just like a guy with like cargo pants And a Hawaiian shirt and I was like, alright dude He was my. And then I stopped. I'm like, you're not even trying anymore. Did you got the fucking on vacation? GI Joe. Remember Chuckles from GI Joe? He wore a fucking Hawaiian shirt and cargo pants, dude. Let me, let's find him. Chuckles. He was my favorite GI Joe. Look at him. Blonde hair. Hawaiian shirt, dude. Cargo pants and a gun. Worst soldier. Hey, wasn't it about the army, dude?

It's so great. Hey, kid, relax. Be on vacation. G.I. Joe. They never dealt with the real shit, that was the thing Hey kid, don't stare at a bird too long Might peck your eyes out G.I. Joe Dude, put me in there as a G.I. Joe

Hey kid, careful who your friends are They grow up and stab you in the back G.I. Joe Hey kids Hey, kid, careful who your friends are. They grow up and stab you in the back. G.I. Joe. Hey, kids. Don't be sleeping around raw. G.I. Joe. You might get an STD.

G.I. Joe. What's an STD? Never mind. G.I. Joe. Dude, you're too young to know that. Never mind. I fucked him. G.I. Joe.

Hey, kid, listen in school, but not too much, because then you're a pussy gi joe wow i'm annoying dude don't listen to your parents too much gi joe be an individual gi joe dude so anyway yeah dude um what was i talking about though the fucking things that what was i talking about before that i don't remember when i go on tangents i need somebody to literally just stay here i need a stenographer for this podcast is what i need what was i talking about some lady oh you were talking about fucking cargo pants um there's certain things in society and just culture in america and the world that we're just done okay like it was a tradition i always say this on this podcast tradition is bullshit keep going keep keep changing. Don't be all like, hey, but we've been doing this for 50 years. We got to do it again. No, you don't because it sucks. Because

then once you solidify a tradition, anybody who infringes on that tradition irks you. I want to live a non-irked life. This is why wars start because of religion. Religion, what is religion? Tradition. You infringe on the tradition, and all of a sudden you're bombing motherfuckers, right? How many wars start because of religion? All of them. So there you go. Well, a religion or space? Not outer space.

Space, geography. We live here. No, no, no. We want it. No. That's a war. Other than that, it's all religion. Okay?

So tradition starts war. We know that as this cult and congratulations, we get it. We do not have traditions besides, you know, the old one used to be sucking and fucking in the tall grass. We don't do that anymore. Now we just build log cabins and share ideas. Okay. I wanted to live a hedonistic lifestyle. Everyone got mad at me for that. Okay, fine. So now we're just building a log cabin, sitting in tall grass and sharing ideas. at me for that. Okay, fine. So now we're just building a log cabin, sitting in tall grass and sharing ideas. That's all good, dude. Right? Okay. So here's something that we have evolved past. And I say it now because it is today and meaning it was last week because you're listening because this podcast is in the future. We have to predict. But this was last week and it is today, which is

what I'm saying. Hey, Groundhog's Day. Dude. Hey, dude, we're done, man. future, we have to predict. But this was last week, and it is today, which is what I'm saying. Hey, Groundhog's Day. Dude, hey, dude, we're done, man. Hey, Groundhog's Day, you don't belong in this world. In this world where there is a slap-fighting competition league, where Logan Paul announces it, and the governor, Arnold Schwarwarzenegger is the vo guy we don't need groundhog's day dude there's still people reporting on groundhog's day that's groundhog's day 2020 there's a headline punk satani film makes his predictions from gobbler's knob hey Pack it up! Hey! There's a slap fighting. Hey! Hey! There's kinky porn you can download on your phone in a subway. Hey! Robots are about to take over the world.

Hey! They threw a Tesla in outer space. It was just falling around. Hey! You know? Gobbler's knob. This is sexual. I mean, I might as well call it. Pugs Anthonyutawney Phil makes his prediction for fucking Bukkake face. Makes his prediction from

Bukkake all over some titties. From Bukkake all over some titties hill. Dude. Hey, dude, Punxsutawney Phil makes his prediction from rimming hill. Never get rimmed. Groundhog Day, dude. This is so... All these dudes are all old white dudes, dude. All old white

dudes. Groundhog Club Vice... Why does it say it twice? It says Groundhog Club. Vice President Dan McKinley and Dave Gigliotti entertain the crowd. No, they don't. While waiting for Punxsutawney Phil, the weather-prognostic groundhog.

You know? Talk about words that should never go together. Weather-prognostic groundhog. During the 137th celebration of Groundhog Day. There you go, dude. This lasted more than five years what fucking assholes are at this thing where they're just like oh um oh can't wait to see if there's going to be more spring or whatever the fuck it what is it winter can't wait to see if can't wait to

see this little guy pop out of a hole or not if if there's going to be more cold days. Are you a witch? Hey! There's iCloud. This is done, dude. Gobbler's Knob. Look at this. Gobbler's Knob and Punxsutawney. This is like a fucking place that,

what's her name, J.K. Rowling would write a story about. It's not even a real place. Thursday, Februaryblers, Don and punks. This is like a fucking place that what's her name? Would, uh, would, would, uh, JK Rowling's would, would write a story about it's not even a real play Thursday, February 2nd, Phil,

Phil's handler said that the groundhog has forecast six more weeks of winter, dude. And you got to sit there as an adult with no kids. Like, you know, if you're, if I'm there with Calvin, right.

And I'm like, Oh yeah, it's gonna be more winter. By the way, Calvin already thinks that that's horse shit. And he can't even say Punxsutawney. He goes, what? He knows. The fact that there's adults there with no kids, because there are.

And I don't mean adults that never had kids. I mean, you got to bring your kid there. Otherwise, if you're just standing there alone, not with your kid, you're a fucking lunatic, dude. Leave. Someone wrote this article, dude. How about that? They didn't do it with their kid.

They put on glasses and actually sat there. I got to do my fucking Punxsutawney Phil article. I can't, guys. I can't come out. Sorry. Dude, you know what happened? Yeah. No.

Fuck. They were, ah, shit, looking at his phone. God damn it. Six more weeks of winter. The ground. Punxsutawney Phil. I got to go, guys. I'd love to stick around for another drink, but I got to go.

You know that weather prognosticating groundhog. So I got to get to it, man. I got to write this. I know it's February 1st, but dude, tomorrow. It's got to come out tomorrow, dude. Just some guy sitting in Erie, Pennsylvania. I got to go, dude. I know you want me to fucking drink another drink. I got to go, though. And I got to write this article because if I don't, then, you know, who's gonna? They're going to beat it. We're not going to get the clicks. Groundhog Club handler A.J. Durham holds Punxsutawney Phil the weather. I want to assassinate Punxsutawney Phil, dude.

Like he's a fucking politician. A.J. like he's a fucking politician. AJ Darumi holds Punxsutawney Phil, this weather prognostic groundhog while Pennsylvania... I mean, stop saying that, dude. This is the second time they said that. Look at these people. The crowd watches the fireworks while waiting, Punxsutawney Phil, the weather prognostic groundhog...

I mean, dude, stop saying it. It's like he's the fucking wrestler. They keep saying it, dude. The crowd watches the facilities waiting for Punk's not-to-kill, the weather prognosticating. I swear to God, this article has said Punk's not-to-kill, the weather prognosticating, Groundhog six times now.

No way. The crowd watches. This is crazy. Oh, it's written by AI. this is crazy, oh, it's written by AI, that's right, this is how we know, that it's fucked up, because even,

this is how we know, how boring it is, we got AI doing it, wow, you have adults, with no shirts on, they wrote Phil, on their chest,

is there a worse name, than Phil, that's the worst name. If I was married to someone and somebody said, hey, I'm having a baby. I'm like, whoa, boy or girl? Boy.

Yeah, dude, finally. What you want to name it? And she said, Phil? Dude, I go like, I put my sunglasses on and i go i'm out dude with the fucking and then just straight up wait whoops wrong one god damn it didn't want that one wanted this one with different women because i'm not i'm done with that relationship what what do you want to name him?

Phil? Oh, really? That's it, dude. I'm done. You know, it's like, oh, dude, you want to name him Phil? File's done. Dude, I just. Worst name, Keith and Phil, dude, you want to name him Phil? File's done. Dude, I just... Worst name, Keith and Phil, dude.

Wow. Are there brothers named Keith and Phil? That would be terrible. How pasty white are they? Dude, you ever seen a fucking tan guy named Phil? No. Keith? No way.

No way. And if they are, they're muscular. Dude, I've never said anything more true there are no pale keiths and phil unless they're fucking jacked as shit then they're tan he speaks the truth did we talk about the hard-hitting issues i don't like how people talk about not hard-hitting issues so it is what it is let's do some uh dude i didn't want to do i i thought i didn't want to do, I thought I didn't want to do this anymore. Uh, misconnections. Do we have them? And I decided to, because MGK said,

you got to do them. When I ran into him, he's like, you got to do more misconnections. So I'm doing them. These are great. These are from, this one's from downtown Los Angeles, down on LS, DTS LS, whatever that is. Looking for my slim sweat friend. You know, I am looking for my slim feminine guy friend. We met in a bar in DTLA area. I was on top of things.

Okay, we get it, you know. You were such a all over smooth shaved fried. okay, friend, I'm assuming he means. And we met occasionally and liked each other a lot. Where are you? Sloanly. This is sad. Here's another one. What a week.

Who's having one of those weeks? I love that, dude. Just so sad. Who's having one of those weeks? Been super busy at work. I just want to get away for a bit. Wow. Do not contact me on solicit. That's so vague. What do you mean? Do not contact you on solicit. The whole thing's on solicit. Need a man around the house. Los Angeles, older woman only ages 65 to 80. Wait. Oh, she's an older woman. Need a man around the house. That's 65 to 80. Dude, what the fuck's he going to do? Get a young buck that can fucking move shit around and help. What do you need a man around the house for? To die? Need a man around the house. 60 needs to be 65 to 80. Love dying guys. Here's another one. Looking for a girl, San Dimas.

Looking for a female for a good time. Free now until two at my apartment can Uber you if you needed. Let me know. A little smaller below there we go dude the guy needs panuma nah but he's owning it man he's owning it but also he's hiding behind the computer he needs to go out to town square and be like i'm a little smaller below let me know if anyone wants to hang sup um free now until two at my apartment when did he you know that means he did it this morning like how lucky is this guy hoping to get that's hilarious do not contact me

lost my top truck guy well what's this all about West Hollywood lost the Craigslist email from last year wow this guy's really on top of shit you know I'm the white grad student who used to host you for pipe Lost the Craigslist email from last year. Wow, this guy's really on top of shit, you know? I'm the white grad student who used to host you for pipe cleaning.

Hey, guy, just say it. I mean, you don't even, I know you get it. You don't get removed and flagged if you say instead of, you know. But like you can be a little more closer to what you're talking about than pipe cleaning. Like we all, we know what you mean. So just get closer to saying it. Oh my God. Are you still around milk, man? Senuendo. What color was your truck? Now he's okay uh dude i feel like that these are uh sad okay they're all sad and these guys need to get a hobby try pickleball okay i get it though loneliness is a tough thing to deal with loneliness sucks and sometimes you really want to find your top truck guy he's out there somewhere you ever, everyone's got that one person,

right? Where it's like, oh shit. I wonder what the fuck happened to that person. I got two. And then I got a few also dudes like that, non-sexual, where it's like, I wonder what happened to that person, non-sexual. You know, sometimes women, you're like, I wonder what happened. I hope they're living good. One time I was like, I wonder what happened to that woman. And she turned out to be a fucking straight up bodybuilder. And I was like, holy shit. I fucking came across her one day and she was like absolutely shredded. And I was like, Jesus Christ.

And then she has a shredded dude, like a pumped up dude. Like a dude that is fucking tan and named Phil. And which is great, great for her. They live a happy life. They go to the gym so much and eat so much chicken. And, uh, and then, uh, dudes are like that though, dude, like in a non-sexual way, you can think about a dude and be like, I wonder what happened to that motherfucker. I used to know a guy, Michael, who was in my high school. And like, what happened to that guy? He was super Russian.

His dad was super Russian. Whatever happened to Danny Vick? You know what I'm talking about? In my elementary school, Danny Vick was the kind of guy, he would wear neon green, what do you call it? Tank tops. And one time I was like, Hey dude, uh, cause people were going through puberty and I wasn't yet. And I was like, show me your muscle. And he goes like this. And I did it because I asked him to show me his muscles because I wanted to see if he had hair under his armpit yet. And I was too insecure to ask him, do you have hair on your armpit yet? I said, show me your muscle. He goesit yet. And I was too insecure to ask him, do you have hair on your armpit yet?

I said, show me your muscle. He goes like this. And I said, oh, cool. And he said, you just did that because you want to see if I had hair on my armpit, huh? And I said, no. And he said, yeah, you did. And I said, no, I didn't do it.

I just want to see your muscle. How did he know? But that's Danny Vick for you. New Jersey. Omar Pitts. What happened to him? Who are your guys like that? Think about it and get back to me. I don't care, but you know what? I do care. You know what? Comment in the YouTube section. What in the comment section, who are the

people that you, by the way, dude, I have fucking black nail polish. Okay. I get it, dude. I did it because my son wanted me to do it. And, and Kristen put it on and it was a nice intimate moment. She did it, showed my son he couldn't care less. And then I had it on there. I put up videos online where I'm on stage doing this shit. You know, my TikToks are going dummy viral and shit. And everyone's like, oh, fucking, they got to you, huh? The black painted nails, you would roast somebody that don't care. So I got the fucking black painted nails for my son. And, and I'll tell you what, I didn't know about that. They keep it nice though now because I used to pick my cuticles and now I don't, I just pick the nails and my fingernails, dude, they're healthy as shit, dude. And we love it. So, uh, yeah. Anyway, dude, And we love it.

So, yeah. Anyway, dude. I'm not going to do it again probably, but if I have these fingernails paints on for New York shows, by that time, I lost the plot. All right. So that's it. Thank you very much for listening to the show.

We are super good. Subscribe and like the channel. We love it. Leave comments. Really appreciate you guys. And go to chrisalea.com to get tickets. I'll be in Kansas City. I'll be in different places.

I'll be in Midland. I'll be in a bunch of different spots. New York. I'll be there February 18th, Rhode Island. Love you guys. Tulsa. I'll be in, you know, different places. All right. That's it for YouTube.

That is it for YouTube And if you want to Support our Patreon for the longer episodes The uncut episodes the ones with no ads Then we can You can do that and it would really be awesome For us to help support the show it keeps the show going Six dollars that's it

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