Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 3. The Future is the Future

Episode Date: February 13, 2017

Chris gladly dives in on one of his favorite subjects: people (who aren't singers) who sing on social media. Other topics on this episode include Lil Yachty & Cee Lo at the Grammys, getting eh'wayyy too many emails, four guys in a convertible, getting old, Ricky Gervais's new movie Life on the Road, and meeting Dr. Dre. Hey! Tweet your questions using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of america express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply What's up? This is the third episode of Congratulations. We did it. We did it. This is the first official.

This is the, in history, this is the first third episode of Congratulations in history. And that's amazing. We did it. And these episodes are motherfucking coming out every week as long as, you know, people continue to. That's what I actually want you to do. If you would screenshot this right now and put it on your Instagram and say, I'm listening to Chris D'Elia's new podcast and tell people to listen to it or tweet it right now. Get on your phone.

You're on your phone because you're listening to it. And then just switch out of the app and go to the Twitter one and tell people to and link it to, you know what I mean? Help a motherfucker out. Because I'll tell you what, I'm going to do this until the wheels fall off. Like, I'm going to do this until the wheels fall off. And this is what I mean by the wheels falling off. If people stop listening.

If we're going, if we don't. Because right now, I think right now we're number six in comedy, which is awesome. And it was number two. And that's fine. Of course, it's going to taper off. Because, you know, the curiosity factor is like, oh, what's this this new podcast and it goes down a little bit but you know let's keep riding that fucking wave because you guys are you guys deserve some congratulations so uh yeah we're we're uh well i'm here i'm back i'm back in town i went to atlanta this um this past uh week i was

there for two nights atlanta a hundred percent i love it because it's the most Atlanta place of all time. Atlanta's a place where you literally will see, like if you're not in a room, every other room has a black guy in it with a fucking red suit or something like that. You know, like I was at Starbucks and I literally saw a dude a black dude in in a purple suit and it what the thing was it wasn't his it wasn't like he was

showing up to starbucks to get a coffee to go somewhere where he needed to have the purple suit he had the purple suit that was a starbucks suit he was there he put the suit on no doubt to go to starbucks to fucking have this meeting that shit is amazing because the amazing part was is he was not a king of comedy all right he wasn't fucking dl hewley or cedric the entertainer he was just some guy that was at starbucks that was like this is what i wear which is amazing the outfits you see in at are shit that is like the Lollipop Guild is what it is. It's amazing. Dude, I got an offer.

This wasn't this time in Atlanta, but the last time I got off an elevator in Atlanta, the elevator opened up and this girl had the biggest ass. I couldn't even fucking believe it. It was, it was enormous. And she wasn't fat. It wasn't like, you know, she has a big ass because her body's big. She had like a back, like a trunk, dude. It was amazing, dude. She had a trunk her she didn't have an ass

she had a trunk that you need keys to and you open it up and you put shit in there like a duffel bag that's what she had like you could literally i wanted to tap her on the shoulder and be like excuse me ma'am i can't And she'd be like, yes. And I'd say, I can't find my duffel bag. Can I check your trunk? And she wouldn't have looked at me weird. She would have just turned around and offered her ass. That's honestly how much, that's how much her ass was a trunk.

And that's some Atlanta shit, dude. That's some fucking Atlanta shit. That was amazing. I couldn't believe shit, dude. That's some fucking Atlanta shit. That was amazing. I couldn't believe it, dude. And dude, the asses in Atlanta are crazy. I'm not even trying to be sexual about it. I'm not saying like, hot damn, you know, I'm just saying it's a fact. You can literally set up your fucking laptop on, fuck that. You could put a desktop on it and have just put the put the

modem or whatever like next to her leg and and set up a coffee cup and and and literally not have to use one of those tables at starbucks and have that meeting with that black guy in the purple suit i mean unbelievable um so yeah so atlanta but besides that atlanta was great uh i had two shows i had to throw one guy out. Actually, I didn't even throw the guy out. The first time, the first time I got on stage, as soon as I got on stage, this dude was trying to recite my shit from my last special, Incorrigible. And it was just so annoying.

And I was like, yo, bro, you got to be quiet. You got to shut the fuck up. And then when security went over to go talk to him about it, he was like bobbing and weaving like he got knocked the fuck out. Like he was so drunk. He was so fucking drunk, dude. And then they kicked him out. This is my favorite when they kick somebody out and nobody else goes with them.

Because, you know, either they showed up alone drunk, which is sad, or they fucking nobody like the people that were with him were like, well, fuck him. He's on his own. I want to see Chris D'Elia or whatever fucking concert you're at. That's hilarious to be like, yeah, he's my friend, but fucking he ruined it, which is how I think people should be. Um, but yeah, so it was, it was, it was a young guy. I feel kind of bad. Cause he probably woke up. He probably, and here's the thing too, at the, at, in the lobby afterwards, you know, he was like, Oh, I don't understand what got kicked in the lobby afterwards, you know he was like,

I don't understand why I got kicked out. I was just laughing. I was just, no, you weren't. Nah, you're reciting my other shit, which makes no sense now. Let me do my new shit. But the Atlanta shows were good. The crowds are awesome in Atlanta.

They're really great, man. I was at that center stage or center theater. I forget what it's called. I was going to shoot my special there almost, but I did not because the theater, the stage was too high high i wanted to do a little bit more of an intimate thing so i'm going to vancouver to do it uh and it's sold out i think so you can't get tickets anymore but i am setting updates everywhere else so anyway uh i did the atlanta show and uh now i'm back in la and i i'm i'm I'm excited about this podcast. I'm excited about being here. I'm excited about being able to do this every week.

And people are like, hey, you should get this guy on and that guy on as a guest. I'm not going to do guests. And I'm not saying I'm never going to do guests, but I'm just going to do it me until I'm just like so tired of fucking talking. That might be next week and maybe you'll see somebody come on the podcast but but i um it's just too it's just i don't like

i don't want to be interrupted this is what it is and if you don't like it that's fine um a lot of people don't like my shit i love how i love how it reminds me of this week, which the Grammys came, which I didn't even watch. But Lil Yachty wore that off. He looked terrible. I mean, here's the deal, man. And I posted the picture of Lil Yachty. If you don't know what he put in his mouth, he had like these like now and later colored, multicolored. It looked like the gay pride.

Each tooth was a different color and and he had those red dreads that looked like a fucking a red tarantula fucking passed out on his on his head it it was ugly as shit and i tweeted about how this is the ugliest thing i've ever seen in my life and here's the thing people were like oh you're hating you're you know don't don't hate let him do what he wants yo he could do what he wants but you're telling me that he put those fucking things in his teeth and those dreads those those red neon red fucking things on his on his head you're telling me he did that to look handsome you're telling me that he did that so somebody would be like, oh, wow, he looks handsome? No.

He was on purpose trying to look ugly. That's it. I'm not hating. I'm agreeing with him. Good job. That's it. I'm not hating. I'm agreeing with them. Good job. You did it. You have a freedom of expression and you did it. It looks like a glow worm is in your mouth.

Congratulations. It looks like a fucking starfish passed out on your fucking head and you have the KFC fucking bow tie, you did it. You're not saying, oh yeah, I want to look handsome. You're saying I want to look ridiculous. And that in turn looks horrible. And that's fine. But don't say I'm talking shit.

If I fucking walk around with a dick on my forehead, like a molded dick and a fucking star, you know, just like some fucking cutout star on my nose. I'm talking shit about myself if I do that without even saying anything. It looks bad. That's fine. Because that's the thing. There are opinions that are opinions, and then there are opinions that are facts. If you walk around with a dick on your forehead, it's ugly. Sorry, but it is. I'm not sorry, but it is. If you walk around and it looks like fucking Rainbow Bright took a shit in your mouth, it looks bad. Okay. So CeeLo showed up, looked like fucking C-3PO before he did the Atkins diet. He looked like a fucking, I mean, he looked, it wasn't even ugly. It was just, this was beyond words.

But what the fuck, man? Hey, make music. And CeeLo's talented as shit. I don't know Lil Yachty's music, really. But CeeLo's talented. So just stick with that, bro. Why do you have to show up looking like the thing you're trying to win? He was gold as fuck and looked like he was about to fight the Power Rangers.

Yo, make a song, dude. Hey, man, make a fucking song. Oh, dude, you dressed like that? Oh, that doesn't matter make three songs dude it's so annoying he didn't even have a mask on like that you would buy in a halloween like a halloween thing like with the strap in the back this fucking thing was like done by mission by like the mission impossible or no not even like the fucking lemony snicket's fucking costume or uh uh uh what do you call it the fucking makeup team where it was like the one

that made jim carrey bald with the fucking hook nose or whatever the fuck he was like you know silo was like i gotta get the fucking i gotta get the lemony snicket's i gotta get the lemony snicket's fucking crack team because i've got an idea and they said what did you what to use your idea silo and they were like just fucking hang out in this room i'll be right back and then he came out looking like he was going to blast off into outer space which is the only reason why you should look like that hey dude if you're gonna dress like that fine but after the grammys blast off into the fucking outer space no c-3p no c-no silo c-no make fucking three songs

unbelievable man and then and then people said i was being racist because i was saying lil lilyadi was being ridiculous huh yo real quick got a question huh what the fuck are you talking about huh dude i don't give a fuck if the guy's white or Asian or any. I don't give a fuck. I don't. Dude, if you show up like that, you look ugly. That's it. That's it. It's the bottom line.

My hands are tied now. Go to lunch. Go to lunch. That's what I say. De Niro did this fucking line. Greatest line in fucking cinematic history in this movie cop land and the nero is mad at some dude and he just says my hands are tied now go to lunch that's what i say now every time i fucking mean something by the way it's less echoey in here

we did the fucking we put up this uh we got this gaffer tape and and we put the the the um what do you call it the the foam shit up and it's fallen down dude it's like the end of that fucking movie the gods of the gods of egypt when they're fighting each other and you got um you got uh gerard butler fighting that fucking blonde dude from lord of the not lord of the rings the fucking winter is coming show and and and and the and everything's falling except there's it's way less cool because no gods of egypt are fighting and it's just me and my producer in a fucking small room in a podcast with a bunch of fucking foam squares falling down but i like to think it's like gods of egypt it's it's it's it's it, it's less ridiculous than gods of Egypt.

That's a plane movie, by the way. Um, uh, yeah. Oh, by the way, uh, fucking that's, that's where, uh, CeeLo needed to be with that outfit on is gods of Egypt. Um, so yeah, so, uh, so the Grammysys happened i didn't watch it and then beyonce performed pregnant which is pretty fucking awesome actually i know i joke around about a lot of stuff but i saw like a gif of it or a gif however you pronounce it and i saw it and it was it's pretty crazy she did that with twins that's pretty insane um yeah that was pretty fucking insane.

And so, yeah, so the Grammys and then the fucking... And that happened. Yeah, but people lit me up, man, for making fun of... I mean, a lot of people like it, but people lit me up. No matter what you do, people light you the fuck up, man. If you have a following, people light you the fuck up. I'm just trying to fucking get mine, dude. I'm just trying to do what I do and do comedy. You don't think it's funny? Hey, man.

Move on. Go follow fucking John Legend or something, right? I mean, he's good. I like John Legend. He's talented as shit. Go look at his stuff. You don't think I'm funny? Go fucking follow, you know, Jeremy Rennerner he's got some good shit up there some fucking cool you know he looks cool in his fucking sunglasses and he walks dope good go follow him i love my favorite thing is on my favorite thing though is on instagram is the people who sing is the people who fucking

seriously sing, not people who sing, who do that, but people who don't sing, but decide to do that. It's so funny, man. It's so funny when somebody's all of a sudden you follow somebody. And then all of a sudden they put up a post and they're like, I can't help falling in love. And you're like, uh, Hey, what are you doing? Hey man, what are you doing, dude? It's usually, well, I don't want to say it's usually, it's either of some fucking punk 14 year old kid with hair that looks like he's in Jimmy Neutron or a 30-year-old woman who feels like, and I'm not saying that this is true

because I think 30-year-old women are hot as shit, but who feels like that they got to do something else now now that they can't pose on a rock anymore or near a motorcycle. They're like, oh, shit. Can can't pose on a rock anymore or near a motorcycle they're like oh shit can't fucking pose on a motorcycle anymore here we go i can't help and then they post it up and they only post like their mouth singing you know because they didn't do makeup that day or some shit i love i love that it's so funny like that like there's this thing that goes on in stand-up comedy too where like a woman turns 30 and they're like oh shit gotta do stand-up comedy now like guys are stopping guys are guys are

starting to stop paying attention paying attention to me because there's like 21 year old girls that they'll pay attention to so now i will literally stand on stage so they will be looking at me by the way nobody ever said i was funny i'll just go up and be funny what this is a travesty dude this is why social media is a travesty i love social media i'm gonna do what the fuck i do but this is why because people will just be like oh shit i'm gonna do what the fuck i do but this is why because people will just be like oh shit i'm a singer now i can't help no pose on a rock pose on a rock or fucking do you know what i mean like and i'm not saying dudes don't do it dudes do it too i guess. I guess. I don't know. For dudes, it's... I don't know.

I feel like dudes are not really like, hey, I'm 30. I'm going to be a singer now. But dudes are more like... Oh, God. I don't know what the version of it for a dude is. It's all weird though, man. It's this weird fucking sad kind of social media presence.

Find out what you do and do it well, you know? I don't know. I don't know though, you know? People suck at their fucking job. And that's, you know, on one hand, it's like, do I want to be mad at them for not doing their job right? Or, you know, i don't know or or is it they're just is it them thinking i just got to get a job i got to fucking make money you know i'm not talking

about the singing thing on instagram but like you know a guy who's gonna fucking you know a technician or a or a plumber that comes in know? I guess to be passionate about plumbing is not something that is really, you know, that's usually done. They're just like, I needed a job. I fucking fell into it. I, there goes another fucking gods of Egypt fucking thing fell.

But yeah, so I don't know. People don't want to get real jobs so they just fucking sing on instagram fucking power more power to you to the people who really try to do shit and fucking make a clothing line or design some jewelry or start a fucking podcast or whatever the fuck you're trying to do i know no i actually i take that podcast thing back no sorry don't start a podcast don't start a podcast with your friends don't do that save us don't start a fucking podcast with your friends dude don't do that just figure it out in a different way go back to school if you're gonna sing on instagram go back to school. If you're going to sing on Instagram, go back to school. If you're 30 and you're going to sing on Instagram,

go get a degree. But I don't know. What the fuck do I know? We live in Hollywood, though. That's what's going to happen. You live in Hollywood, that's what's going to happen, dude. These billboards have been popping around

with the YouTube Red shit though imagine watching something on youtube red imagine watching imagine being like imagine getting home from a day of work working hard sweating or dealing with a bunch of clients annoying your shit you didn't want to do that. You know, and you're like, I just want to fucking unwind. You don't have a family, or maybe you do. You got a girl. And you go home, and you heat up the chicken that's in your fridge.

And then you turn on YouTube Red. Imagine that. Bro, what are the fucking shows that they have? Every show on YouTube Red should be called Zoinks. That should be every show on YouTube Red. zoinks. That should be every show on YouTube Red. Every show on YouTube Red is called zoinks. I don't give a shit if it's not. It is. Look them up. Look up the shows. Everybody on the fucking posters is making this face. Zoinks. Dude, come on, man. dude, and they're, and what's happening, what's happening, dude, see, that's what's happening, you see these things, and you think, well, I have a YouTube account, I'm gonna sing, that's what happens, you see the fucking YouTube red shit, this show's called Zoinks, and you're like, oh, that's like a step away from me but it's not dude dude this youtube red shit i don't know man you have to subscribe subscribe to it everybody wants

you to subscribe to their fucking shit dude have i talked about this yet it's been two episodes i feel like i'm fucking already backtracking dude hey if hey, if I want to fucking massage, I don't want to have to subscribe to some shit. You know what I'm talking about? If I want to buy pants, I don't want to have to then get an email from Saks Fifth Avenue every five hours. I think I talked about it, LinkedIn.

What the fuck is LinkedIn? I got to get an email from LinkedIn. I haven't even signed up for LinkedIn. I talked about it. LinkedIn. What the fuck is LinkedIn? I got to get an email from LinkedIn. I haven't even signed up for LinkedIn. I'm a comedian. What the fuck do I need people in my social network for on LinkedIn? No, come on, man. Stop emailing me, dude. I woke up today.

I had 42 emails. Two of them were important. Other ones were like from fucking PayPal. Let me look at... No, I deleted a lot of them. important. Other ones were like from fucking PayPal. Let me look at, no, I deleted a lot of them. PayPal, fucking some, some I pick movie shit. Saks Fifth Avenue. There's one. Redfin. Come on, man. Amazon, fine. Travelocity. What the fuck is that? Never signed up for Travelocity. Travelocity? What the fuck is that?

Never signed up for Travelocity. What's going on, man? I gotta get a new email. I gotta get a new fucking email, dude. Hey, oh, yo, Amazon, stop suggesting shit to me. Amazon suggests... chap... fucking... 12... 12 bundle of chapstick. The fuck?

Dude, if I bought a 12 bundle of chapstick on Amazon, drown me. And then throw a fucking plugged in toaster. Dude, I'm gonna go to Amazon if I need to go to fucking Amazon, okay? I'm going to go to Amazon if I need some equipment or some shit or some swimmies, you know what I mean? But fucking don't send me a link to, hey, here's a 12-pack to chapstick on Amazon. I can go to the gas station. There's always a gas station down the block. This YouTube red, man. These billboards are out of control. They're popping up everywhere, dude. Never seen that show Billions, but that fucking billboard is the most serious billboard of all time. They should call that show cancer

and i'm not saying it's a bad show it's probably an amazing show that dude with the red hair and red body is in it and fucking the you know the the guy from uh the guy from uh the claire dane show right isn't it that that's that guy right right? From, I never know the names of shit. Damien Lewis. He's from Homeland, right? He was on that. And now he's on fucking Billions. Billions is, what's it about?

Two guys in like a building or something? Paul Giamatti's amazing. Paul Giamatti's fucking awesome, dude. But that fucking billboard, hey man, have some levity in that billboard, dude. You know what they need on that billboard on billions? You know what they need. They need a guy from YouTube Red in the back with the fucking zoinks face. That's what they need.

I mean, they're literally, there's one where they're facing off. It's not gods of Egypt. It's billions. These guys in business, right? And they're fighting over who's making money. I don't know what the fuck, but they're staring at each other like each of them murdered their child. Like Paul Giamatti murdered Damien Lewis's child, and Damien Lewis murdered Paul Giamatti's child. And now they're facing off like it's fucking UFC Now they're facing off like it's fucking UFC 387.

It's probably an amazing show, dude. But like if you're fighting zombies, have that, right? But these guys are just like, it's billions. I don't even know. I don't know. But what the fuck do I know? Look, I'm an idiot. I'm just telling you how I feel and what I've seen everyone's so fucking serious about everything man everyone's so fucking serious

about everything and then you make fun of something and then they take it seriously they get you mad they get mad I want a world where you can just you know what I want a world where you can just, you know what I want a world? I want a world where if fucking two dudes drive by in a convertible and, and, and no, not even, I'll say more than two, three dudes. They've got two dudes in the front, two dudes in the back in a convertible. And I've seen that. I've literally witnessed that with my own eyes. I've seen two dudes in the front of a convertible and then two dudes in the back, four dudes total in one convertible driving down with the top down. I've seen that with my own human eyes. I want a world where we live in where when that happens, everyone else who's not in that convertible laughs at them.

And then everyone in that convertible understands why. That's the world I want to live in, dude. Where it's okay to laugh at those motherfuckers. And we understand why. Because pretty soon we're going to have a fucking support group against that shit. We're going to have the fucking support group against that shit. We're going to have the, nah, four guys can be in this convertible if we want, if they want to. And we're proud of them if they want to.

We're proud of them if that's what they're doing. We made a fucking MySpace group against it. Four in favor of the four guys in a convertible. No, are you, dude, if you had a convertible and there were three dudes and they were like, hey, Chris, jump in. I can't imagine the amount of money you'd have to get me to do that shit. There's a price, but I think it's 20 grand.

You can't, dude. And then even if I was, he said, okay, here's the check so i hop in i expect everyone to laugh at me if not everyone's laughing at me fuck them fuck them right in their fucking closed car assholes laugh motherfuckers that's horrible imagine liliati and silo and the and and fucking the two dudes from billions in one convertible that's the funniest thing i could ever imagine and the two dudes in billionsions in one convertible, that's the funniest thing I could ever imagine. And the two dudes in Billions are looking at each other so goddamn serious.

And the funniest thing I could ever imagine. We need a world like that, okay? To where as if someone's going to say, hey, what the fuck does the future is female mean, man? What does that mean? It's okay to ask that, right? Because it doesn't feel like it. It doesn't feel like it.

It feels like if I were to stop somebody who wore a shirt that said future is female and say, yo, what the fuck's that mean? Future doesn't have a dick and balls or pussy. Can't be female or male. That I would be the asshole. I would be the asshole. Me. For asking that question. I don't like coined shit, you know? I don't like shit that everyone gets behind either. I don't even like that. I don't like when everyone gets behind some shit. That bothers me, dude.

It bothers me. Beyonce is the most talented fucking person. It bothers me how everyone just jumps on the fucking thing and is like, oh, fuck. She's amazing. Dude, if I tweeted Beyonce sucked, which I don't think, if I did that, I don't think I'm famous enough. But there's people that are famous enough that if they did that it would i don't think i'm famous enough but there's people that are famous enough that if they did that it would be news it would be a fucking hate crime if you said that nah the future is not female you know why because it's the future that That's why. Doesn't have a dick and balls or pussy. Don't assign genders

to things that are intangible. Don't do that. What's a cloud? Is a cloud male or female? Yeah, I can't. I can't. I just, I don't know, man. I'm drinking soda water. I used to hate it because it just like infused the shit out of me. Because when I was young, I would drink Coke and Pepsi and shit. And then my dad would drink soda water. And I would drink the soda water. And I would be like, what the fuck?

It has the absence of flavor. And I was like, I would just drink water. But now I taught myself to like it, bro. I taught myself to like it cause I don't want to get fucking cancer because you know, you get that when you drink Pepsi Coke. So now I drink fucking Perrier man,

because you got to do that because that's what you got to look out for the fucking, cause the is female man and you got to fucking do that shit imagine what does that mean i want to know what that means like that mean what you mean you know what i mean just say what you mean and mean what you mean dude they call fucking lil yachty boat they call fucking Lil Yachty boat. Somebody said, look what boat showed up in. Bro. Oh God, man. And like seriously said it.

Look what boat showed up in. If you say look what boat showed up in, when I look, I want to see a goddamn boat. You know? in if you say look what boat showed up in when i look i want to see a goddamn boat you know unbelievable youtube bread somebody make a show on youtube bread call it zoinks i'll tell you what man it's a half an hour and i already feel like i'm out of shit to fucking know people are like people people say uh that uh they didn't you know well i mean a lot of people like the podcast which i'm happy about but some people were like yo bro you're just talking that's what a fucking podcast is i'm

gonna do this i'm not gonna have guests until I need to, I feel like. And then I'm going to like, but I'm going to get like astronauts on here. And like, well, I mean, not that they would do it, but I'm going to try and get them on there and just fucking like ask them all sorts of shit about outer space and ask them why, you know what the fuck they're doing,

do it and what they do every day. And I want to ask astronauts what they think about dudes who fucking are in convertibles with with four dudes i want to get the normal man the working man the guy that works at crate and barrel i want to ask him in in in iowa that's what i want so yeah I'm looking around this room and there's literally half of the fucking little panels are up it looks horrible there's just tape on the wall oh uh but by the way I saw the fucking I watched this shit a little bit last night, this on Netflix, the Life on the Road with David Brent.

This shit fucking killed me, dude. First of all, The Office, the British Office is my favorite show of all time, hands down. Like you're talking comedy, you're talking drama. This is my favorite show. It's so fucking funny and this thing came out and i guess it's like fuck it's probably like 15 years later not not quite but um and it's a follow-up and it's about how the you know the character david brent is uh trying to come up with uh trying to do a go on tour tour now and band and live his dream dude it about 30 minutes

and i was laughing already but about 30 minutes in i just started it really started getting to me and i just started laughing and i just didn't fucking stop dude this fucking movie is so funny the character that this guy does is just incredible i i dude every ounce and fucking percentage of this character that he made is so funny and so real and so you know everybody kind of knows a version of a guy like that you know it's pretty amped up but it's just still grounded and real it's just so funny man it's so funny you have to watch it this guy is so funny and if you haven't seen the british office watch that too god damn this movie is so funny i was rolling in my bed laughing rolling around laughing in like a fucking idiot just giggling um and i'm so fucking sore from, I'm so fucking sore from working out. By the way, well, I work out now

and I've done it for months and I'm trying to get in shape, you know, or, you know, just be healthy really and keep moving. Cause I'm 36. But, uh, how do you do it? I'm always in pain. I'm not talking about sore. Like I'll fucking pull my back or like, that'll get better. And then my shoulder and then that'll get better. And then like, it's my foot or some shit. Is that just going to happen the rest of my life? It just, are you always training? Something's have to, has to hurt you. I'm not even doing, it's not, I'm not doing fucking MMA. I'm jumping up and down on a fucking half ball. I'm pulling bands. How is this happening?

I think honestly I just got the fucking short end of the stick when it came to running around. God was like, you can be, you know, you can have long hair, but we're going to pull your back whenever you try to move you know i think that's what it was dude i feel like a fucking asshole man i used to do uh jujitsu for fucking six years i felt fine maybe i was maybe i'm just getting older you know maybe that's what it was maybe that's what it is i don't know by the way i asked you guys to like ask me questions and use the hashtag congratulations pod hey guys get with the program man you fucking asked me what there

was one good question one i'll answer it now somebody asked me if um uh what what the sketchiest uh show i ever did was and it's probably the one i talked about in incorrigible with the with the where the lady attacked me if you haven't watched in core if you haven't watched incorrigible watch it that's actually that bit is on the first is like the first bit i do so you don't have to watch the whole thing but watch the whole fucking thing uh and i i this lady i called she had like really crazy frizzy hair and i said and she was like a heckling or something and she said something and then i said i called her blanca because remember the Street Fighter 2 thing with the frizzy hair and then she attacked me like like Blanca but she came up and like grabbed the microphone and it fucking hit my

mouth and shit and I just kind of like sat down because you know she was a woman and oh I mean I don't know but I was deep in the valley man they got these crazy open mics man I don't know if they do anymore I'm sure they do but there open mics, man. I don't know if they do anymore. I mean, I'm sure they do. But there used to be a website. I don't know if there still is called Chuckle. Chuckle. Chuckle. Something.

Something Chuckle. Something. And it would show the open mics all around. I mean, I remember how I felt, dude, when i would look up this shit in my old apartment and i'd be like oh there's an open mic there oh man maybe i could go to this one maybe i could go to fucking you know moe's cafe or whatever the fuck it was and i would go there and god damn the feeling i have i have like the nostalgia i have about that was just it's just so crazy, man, to think about that. To think about starting some shit like that.

It's just insane. And the rooms I had to play. I don't know, I drove out once. It was like two hours away. I drove out with a guy that was doing stand-up at the time. Who, his name was Phil Verone. And he was, he he's a good guy i haven't talked to him in a while but uh he used to play the guitar for skid row i think um i think it was skid row but uh he yeah he was a buddy of mine and uh we drove out to some place in the middle of nowhere it was like past i don't even know where it was man but we got there and there was a show

and i did about 10 minutes and we drove back two hours that's you know you made i made like i don't even know maybe 50 bucks but it's so fucking crazy to think that that shit see that's the thing dude a lot of people do stand up i was talking about these people who turn 30 and they're just like oh i want to do stand up now but they only want to do shows at the comedy store but you gotta fucking you gotta you gotta fucking you gotta go through the trenches man on stand up you gotta you gotta fucking fail so hard and in i performed for one person before literally like it was some rich queen that ordered me but it wasn't it was at some fucking shit you know

some spot and they were like the show's still going go ahead and i went and i just fucking performed for one woman in a jean jacket. And I was just like talking to her, I guess, kind of. And then one time I went to the comedy store. This was before I was like on TV and shit. And I would just go late sometimes, like 1 a.m. to hope I would get on. And I got there at like midnight. And they were like, hey, nobody's here.

You want to go on? And I was like, fuck yeah. And they were like, okay, there's two people in the audience and I was like ah shit well whatever I'll still go up and they literally were like one of they'd said one of them is Dr. Dre and I said nah I don't want to go up because I don't want to look like an asshole in front of Dr. Dre so I said nah I think I'll skip it. It was the first time I, I, I like said no to a spot and the host at the time was like Don Barris at the time. He was like, Hey dude, I know why you don't want to go up. Cause, cause who's in the audience, but this is what you do. You're a fucking comedian and you go up. And he, and I was like, you're right. I'll do it. I'll fuck it. I'll

do it. And I went up and I, and I, um, and I went up and I performed for Dr. Dre and another dude. And they were the only people in the audience. And I just talked to Dr. Dre while I was on stage. And I, you know, I, I did crowd work. Cause you can't, what am I gonna go up and be like, man, isn't it funny how, you know, and Dr.

Dre's gonna be like, yeah, no. So I was like, I just was like, hey, what's up, dude, like, he was in the back, by the way, all the way in the back, so it wasn't even like he was in front of me, couldn't even see him, it's dark as shit, the comedy store, and I was making fun of, I was talking to Dr. Dre, and then he started heckling me a little bit, you know, lightly heckling me, just because I was talking to him, he wasn't even being disrespectful, but then I was like, I remember the one thing I said, I was like to him uh he wasn't even being disrespectful but then i was like i remember the one thing i said was like oh i can't believe how fucking dr dre you're getting on me and then i started like making fun of him and he was laughing a little bit i think from what i remember unless that's my ego candy coating it but uh i think he was and then afterwards

um i got off stage and when i got off stage, another guy got on stage, and Dr. Dre left after I was on, and then I was out on the patio, and people were like, oh, you just performed with Dr. Dre, that's crazy, you know, like other peers and comedians and shit, and then Dr. Dre walks out, and he walks past, and I was like, can I get a picture, can I get a picture, and Dr. Dre said, he's like, no, he's waving him off, and I was like, shit, man, I would love to get a picture with Dr. Dre, I wonder like can i get a picture can i get a picture and dr dre said it's like no he's waving him off and i was like shit man i would love to get a picture with dr dre i wonder if he would get a picture with me because like he like saw me perform you know and like not that he gives a shit but like maybe he would like at least feel something about that so he walked out of the comedy store and and i was like it was the make or break time where it was going to be too

late to ask him because he was already leaving he was outside walking away already told a bunch of people no and in like a it was like in the cinematic moment in my life i don't think i'll ever forget it i just screamed out hey dre like i know him. And then he, in my memory, he stopped and like, there was a beat where like in his head, he went, Oh no, who the fuck that must be. Even though he didn't in my head, that's how like the beat was. Cause it was like a pregnant fucking pause that I probably imagined because it was so dramatic for me to do it. And he pivoted around like Tony Gwynn taking that step, fucking knocking that ball out of the park, dude. Squashing the bug.

Saw me. And then I said, in probably what was the most insecure bitch way possible, you think I could get a pic and then another beat and he just fucking saunters over in that fucking dr dre gate and then just walks over and um i get the phone ready and i fucking and he was like yeah man and i walked and i and I put my arm around him or whatever I think I did and then I took a picture uh somebody took a picture for me I don't remember who and then I said thanks man I really appreciate it and then he walked away and I was like that's

so cool that like he definitely only did that because I was performing and I don't know in my head it was like oh yeah okay he respects the performer because other people that were asking were just people there that he didn't you know not that he knew who i was but he did after that because i he's like okay that's the comedian yeah and it felt fucking cool that he respected it and uh that shit fucking yeah i don't know, man. I think about that sometimes. And I think about how like it's cool to do that. And like, I mean, dude, they don't, people don't forget that shit. So I never forgot that shit. So yeah, so that's what's up. But that was cool as shit.

It was funny though that that happened. I'm really, really, anyway, moral of the story is I'm really fucking happy that i've you know performed for him i did it i would have regretted it dude i would have fucking regretted it man that's your fucking inspiration for the day dude is just do it and right that's why nike's so successful part of the reason dude just do it man i went up there and i did it i made my legs move up onto the stage that's what i did i literally thought if i could just make my legs move and walk if i just move the fucking legs to get up on the stage and i'll be on stage and then i have to talk so yeah and i wore the dumbest shirt that day and now i have that picture and i have the fucking

dumbest shirt on with a sweat pit stains because I was so nervous. I was 27, I think, 28. Anyway, so yeah, that's what's up. That's what it's going to be, man. It's 45 minutes. I did it. I want to come with more shit to talk about next time. But these come out Monday night silently.

And then I'll fucking tweet about it and subscribe to it, though. So you could get it when you get it. And then Tuesday, it'll be there for your commute or whatever the fuck or you want to listen to it at work uh and so this was episode three of congratulations you can uh tweet me or ask me questions congratulations pod is the hashtag subscribe to it uh on the on on itunes and rate and review it that would be great it would be helpful and tell people you listen to it man um and try to spread this out because bro if this fucking thing crashes and burns you know there's going to be like a like the hardcore listeners that are going to listen to it and they're going to and i'm not going to do it anymore so it's you gotta fucking help me out

and help you out by fucking getting this shit out there man or otherwise i won't give a shit out by fucking getting this shit out there man or otherwise i won't give a shit but i do like i you know it's fun um but so yeah so rate and review it on itunes and uh post about it and uh get the word out there if you if you give a shit if you don't want it don't do it i mean i'm not fucking you know but uh yeah so that's that's it and then what else do I need to say? I got tour dates coming up. ChrisDalia.com, ChrisDalia.com. I'm going to be in Raleigh, Virginia Beach, Australia, Tempe. I got all these dates coming up and more being added. And definitely don't ask me when I'm going to be coming to wherever

because it's all up in my fucking website. And yeah, that's it. Thanks for listening. And remember, man, the future's the future. Bye. Congratulations. We'll see you next time.