Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 30. Noise Wedding

Episode Date: August 21, 2017

It is the 30th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about harsh noise music. Also discussed: how Asians take too many pictures, the Aliens franchise, today’s solar eclipse, unnecessary Facebook Live videos, having valor, & TMFUIPOTW. And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply square cash everyone is switching to the cash app because it's the best way to pay people back. Most payments can be deposited into your bank in seconds. Don't use the other apps. Use Square Cash. Because what I'm saying, you're going to want to listen to that. Trust me. Download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. What's up, guys?

Hey, babies. It's episode 30. I got my dogs in my room right now. And as soon as I said, what's up, guys? They jumped up and looked at me and cocked their head like little bitches. And then they jumped off the couch that I – the chair that I put them on. And they jumped off the couch that I, the chair that I put them on. And, you know, dogs are weird because you can't, you can't, I don't know.

I've been talking about them a lot on stage about how I can't train them because there's two of them. But they're assholes. Guys, come on. Get on your couch. Get on the fucking couch. They don't give a shit. They want to go. They're like, you know what they're assholes guys. Come on, get on your couch, get on the fucking couch. They don't give a shit. They want to go. They, they're,

they're, they're like, you know what they're like? Like, uh, they're like, um, chicks in high school that you date.

They, they do the other thing that you want. Like if you say, do one thing, they're like, yeah, okay. And then they do the fucking other thing.

Go on the, maybe if I tell them to go on the carpet, be, stay on the carpet guys. See, now they know because they know English for sure. Um, uh, it's episode 30 and, uh, that, guys. See, now they know because they know English for sure. It's episode 30, and that's it.

This is the 30th episode anniversary of congratulations. And I'm going to Utah this week. Everyone tells me when I go to Utah, perform in Utah, they're like, how do you do it? Do you do it differently? Do you perform differently because of all the Mormons? And no, I don't because fuck that. Fuck that. If you're going to let you being different fuck up your sense of humor, you're a piece of shit, okay?

You don't. If you come to a comedy show, let your walls down. If you're a Mormon, let your Mormon walls down. If you're Catholic, let your Catholic walls down. If you're Buddhist, let your Buddhist walls down, okay? Take all your walls down, come to a comedy show, and laugh. If you don't laugh, don't go see that comedian again. But don't be offended.

Yeah, but I think what's funny is funny. You know what I mean? Like, I don't think it really matters. You have to tailor your shit. I heard a lot of comedians talking about how colleges are all like they won't play colleges anymore because of how they're judgmental and all that. But I don't fucking care. You can't care, dude. The second you start caring, that's when they start winning, dude. Um, I think, uh, yeah, I've been in LA,

uh, for now about 10 days, I think, or like maybe like eight days. Anyway, I did, uh, when I got back from Nash Dakota, I went to to fucking i stayed in los angeles and i've been here and i did some shows at the improv in hollywood and lost in in los angeles and it was cool to be home but still kind of treat it like it was on the road like usually i do the comedy store and sometimes the laugh factory sometimes the improv and usually what i'll do is just do spots like 15 minute spots here and there um just to fucking keep sharp like because here's the other thing too if you're a road if you do the road a lot and then don't do spots in la or new york or a spot where there's a lot of other comedians that are fucking nailing the fucking their act like i gotta follow sebastian all the time or like fucking you know

bill burr or somebody and it's like so hard but if you don't do that constantly and you just play the road to your crowds then you get soft as shit dude you get soft as shit uh and then you're you can't it's hard to play la because you're like doing all this like – not that your material changes but just like your attitude changes and shit. I don't really know what the hell it is but you're a lot better. The guys that stay doing the clubs that are a little bit older like Dom Herrera or – they kill because they're still going up in between all of us and all the young guys and all the guys that are fucking you know they're still relevant because they're they're keeping themselves relevant like that but what i do when i do so anyway so when i do the improv sometimes i do like on saturdays i'll do two shows but it'll be my show and i'll do like 45 50 minutes so i did

that and uh and that's uh that's what i did this Saturday. And it was fun. So I had like actually my crowd come out, even though, you know, people come see me at the comedy store too. They come see everybody. They got Rogan on there. They got, you know, whoever. I mean, just look at those lineups. They're fucking crazy. But anyway, so I've been in Los Angeles and I did that. And now I'm going to Utah. And I added a show in Utah. So go to ChrisTelia.com because everything's sold out. And I added another one. And there's a few tickets left on the late Thursday show.

And come see me and perform with kind of like a Jesus Christ and the Church of Latter-day Saints vibe. I got my coffee. And everybody's coming up to me telling me that they're a baby, and that's fucking insane to me, and I love that. That's really great. Since I've been in LA, I tell you what, dude, you know what's happened? I've gotten bored of my fucking regular coffee shops, and I've been on the search for some cool new places. on the search for like some cool new places.

And everywhere I go to the cool coffee shops, there's at least 55 Asians. And I don't know if it's because they know where the cool coffee shops are first. I feel like Asians. And I said this before on the podcast, Asians know what's cool before anybody knows what's fucking cool. They know what's cool before anybody knows what's fucking cool. They know what's cool before anybody knows what's cool. You think those dad hats are cool now? Asians were rocking those in 1935.

They had dad hats with like fucking, um, you know, whatever the cool band was that played the music like. Whatever that band is, they had that band's logo on their fucking dad hat in goddamn Japan. By the way, we have a dad hat now. That's how. And it's got it so so go check it out on the on the merch but asians know what's up when it comes to everything first i'm sure they were the first people that you know put a dick in a pussy and was like uh you have to try this, put the dick in a cider. And people were like, what? Why? And they were just like, trust me.

And they're like, all right. And then a white guy did it and was like, oh, my God. I told you. You can't even stick it in the butt no you'll get shit on it trust me i'll try oh you know um and so i go to these coffee shops that I think are cool and like Asians are there, dude, and they're dressed like to impress, man. They're all dressed in the outfit that like you would see on like, I don't know. You know, like the movie Passengers at the end when like the fucking other guys get there? They probably wear that.

Like Andy Garcia's in it for fucking four seconds. That's so weird, by the way, in the movie Passengers that at the end, like they find the fucking passengers. Or they found the ship or something. And Andy Garcia comes in and he's like, oh, wow, they were here. They were here and look what they did. And then Andy Garciacia is not in in the movie ends and he's in there for fucking four seconds andy garcia you movie star what are you doing but uh so so um yeah so i go to this place uh i went to alfred's is a L.A. Everyone talks about how it's got the best coffee, so I went. And I was there, and there was an Asian lady, girl kind of, and taking pictures, getting her boyfriend.

It's always their – they travel with their boyfriend, and then their boyfriend is basically just their photographer. travel with their boyfriend and then their boyfriend is basically just their photographer and they're in the the asian girls in like a yellow kind of blazer usually like which is so fucking weird wearing a yellow blazer and with a white like sundress under it and like black dorothy shoes not red ones and then like some hat that like if they walk by you you're like oops it's hitting me you know what i mean like it's so wide like and you're like your hat's hitting my goddamn eyebrows and um and so and then they and so i was at alfred's and they did they i shit you not i was sitting there and and she got her boyfriend who was wearing shorts and a shirt longer than the shorts and a fucking black dad hat, and he had some kind of messenger bag, of course. And he was taking pictures of the girl for about 20 minutes, like for real.

Then they left. And I was like, man, they were there for a long time. And then they came back and she was in a different goddamn outfit. And he was taking more pictures of her. Dude, if I had a girl that made me do that, you understand? I would cheat on principle. Don't make me take fucking pictures of you for hours outside of a coffee shop while everyone else is laughing. You're getting cheated on.

And here's the deal. So then I went to another place. I don't even know what it was called. It was all white. The line was so long and I was angry as soon as i got there and and uh dude this place there were even more asians i thought it was in japan and they were all there and dude so there were a lot of asians documenting everything hey i think all asians are doing documentaries i think that's what it is and they were all on snapchat but they also weren't just snapchatting they were just uh

taking video like to save like video in their iphone just shooting video of the coffee place and then it was across from that fucking pink wall that everybody shoot shoots their pictures in front of in front of paul smith it's got that pink wall in la and there were so many asians out there doing it i want to know what these asians know that i don't know because i know it's cool and i know what they're doing is way evolved because they always know what's fucking cool first. I need to get a picture in front of these pink walls. So here's the deal. Also, there were also,

I turned around and there was this white girl and an Asian girl and they were giggling. And I look and the Asian girl looks at me and goes like this hi like that and I went oh what and then they giggled and she went to the bathroom and I didn't know what the fuck was going on but then um these teenagers came in these geeky ass motherfucking teenagers all different races and they were all filming everything at this coffee shop. And I don't understand. And I'm 37, and I was with my other buddy who was like 33 years old,

and I don't get what the fuck. I guess I'm old because I don't understand why everybody who's like 15 to 16, why are they documenting everything? Why are they documenting everything? What are you doing? So here's what I'm telling everybody to do who's 15. It's only okay if you're doing that, if you're making a goddamn documentary, Okay? So make a documentary, put it out online, put it on fucking iTunes or Netflix or some bullshit, or stop filming everything.

You're not watching it. I watched some lady take a fucking video of the sign of the coffee place and then panned over to the menu on the wall of the coffee place and then panned over to the menu on the wall of the coffee place now i'll venture to say that's the worst video in the history of humankind it was so dude and and and and i looked at her and my face probably looked so fucking like, what the fuck is this girl doing?

And other teenagers were documenting me looking at this fucking lady. It's like the fucking black mirror shit, man. I just don't get it and I don't want to't want to get it that's how i know i'm old i don't want to get it i want them to i want to put their fucking phones away and i'm bad with my phone i don't understand why... Uh-oh. Hey, how about cell phones when you fucking get them close to a thing recording and it just goes... And you think... It's like that movie fucking...

What's that movie with Dennis Quaid and... Oh, Frequency. Oh, man, that movie, Frequency. I also don't... Oh, and by the way, the coffee was not good. I know I say don't line up for shit, you know, and don't do that, but really don't fucking... But really, I almost did it, but I got to fucking food.

And then the line curved around. Here's what you do, dude. If there's a line and it's straight, okay. But if you have to curve around, I'm out. around i'm out if you have the fucking those tether things up and you got to curve around and and and and curve around again and shit you you don't that place is full that's what that means okay if you go into a place and the lines curving around and they have that fucking tethered rope you leave the place is full when you're up a drink, you fill it up to the top. If it spills over, it's full.

That's exactly what's happening if your fucking goddamn line curves around. Don't have a line that curves around. Dude, I want to open up businesses all around and when we get real popular, popping off. I'm going to put those tethers up and the second somebody comes up around that line and is like oh shit i guess i gotta start curving around i have employees that i hire specifically to walk up and be like hey we're full get the fuck out of here and wait for people to leave before you get in and they'll be like well no there's space to stand and he says i don't give a shit we'll text you go fucking outside and film our sign for a little bit i don't uh understand it but i'm old

you know what else i hung out with my my cousin who's 22 he works at adult swim he's one of those guys that's like uh you see him and you're like oh you're six foot fucking seven like that's just how he looks but he's really just six foot one but you know what i'm you know you know those kinds of guys that are like so lanky where you see him from far away walking up and you just think that guy's taller than me and then they show up and they're technically shorter than you but because of how lanky they are and how 22 they are you're like, you're fucking six foot seven. So I'm six foot two. My mom would be like, no, you're not.

Last night I told her, she was like, because you're, how tall are you? I said six foot two. And she said, no, you're not. You're six foot three. My mom likes to think I'm fucking one inch taller than I am. And my dad goes like this. I think she's right. But so my cousin works at Adult Sw swim and he listens to like this fucking music

that's called like noise it's like it's actually called like i i don't know i i wasn't really listening because fucking you know i'm related to him and he was talking about music but it was called like uh it's called like noise music or noise fucking like the audacity to call your fuck the audacity to call any of your fucking genre of music to have the word noise in it is just basically like hey fucking this is for young people and also this is for people who are like not even 12 yet but he's 22 but he's been listening to it for a while. So, so,

so he, so he listened to it and he played a little bit for me and I can't even remember what the fuck it was called, but it was so weird. And it's so, it's like, it's, it's like frequency.

It's just like frequencies that you hear. And it's not music. And he's like, yeah, I just like to listen to it because it breaks up the day. And I need that to break the monotony. And it's like, but yeah, but you don't drive to it. Because it's literally just like that's the music. And then something will go like, and I'm like, but you don't drive to that. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's real bad. It's real bad. So I don't listen to that because of how it's not musical but my dad when i was younger i would tell him about the music that i liked and he would be like i don't like it and i be like how could you not fucking like it and i said how how uh how could you not like it and he and he goes like this trust me man when you get my age you're gonna have kids which i don't yet because i'm a sad human being. But he said, when you have kids, they're going to listen to stuff and they're not going to understand why you don't like it.

And it's going to sound like this. And I swear to God, he goes, and I'm like, dude, music is never going to sound like that. And it does. It does. He was right. My dad is a prophet. It does. It does.

He was right. My dad is a prophet. So I don't even know what to say the music is going to sound like in 20 years because I can't think of something worse than... And then... Literally, it sounds like someone's fucking sawing trees down. I'm going to text him what the fuck that music. What was that band? I'm going to text him. What the fuck that music? What was that band? I'm going to call it band. What band?

Imagine. And then they have concerts. Hey, what was that bullshit music you listen to? That's very bad. I'm texting. And it's just noise. I've just texted him this. Question mark.

It's disrespectful that I write that to him, but fuck it. Hey, what was that bullshit music you listen to that's very bad and it's just noise? I wish more people were like that, dude. I wish it. Anyway, but that, yeah, it's weird. I don't know. I guess I don't even know if they call it music, which is why they call it noise, but that's disrespectful to call it noise and then have people fucking buy

it on iTunes. Oh, fuck. Come here, dogs. Get on your fucking orange orange get on the orange thing they don't do shit what i say my dog's been sick and um he shit uh on the floor now last night and also no two nights ago and then last night and then last night. And then last night he fucking shit on the floor twice, dude. It's always in the morning though. Like he wakes up and then goes shit on the floor.

And then I wake up, walk to my bathroom, step on it. Dude, you know what it's like waking up in the morning and then stepping in shit? Like symbolic for the rest of the day but also i've done it twice now once where it was warm it was piping hot steamy shit and then once where it was there for a while and it was like this kind of like lukewarm on its way to cold shit and i don't know what's worse i think maybe the cold shit and i would and i just go i mean the noise i'm dude motherfucker three or four times it's happened he's sick and then once he did it in the closet i like that how he tried to do it like a little bit respectful he's like i'll just go in the closet and shit over there he's not gonna go

over there and then he did that and then and then after that i closed the closet and he's like well okay i tried and he just shit at the end of the bed not in the bed but on the so i step in it as i'm walking and and i step in his shit and i go oh like that door that noise i become the most italian i become. Oh, the fuck. And then I walk and then I just walk straight into the shower in my underwear. I don't and I just turn it on and I take a shower in my underwear. It's so harrowing. It's like nom, dude.

And you know what? That's no disrespect to people in Nam. I feel like when I step in dog shit, it's probably just under as harrowing as like seeing your friend get shot in the jaw. I think it's probably the same. I feel like getting, seeing your friend get shot in the jaw is probably worse in the long run. But right then when it happens, I feel like you you still have you're like oh like it's the same reaction um it's so bad and then i don't yell at him because i think he's sick and then i just make him go outside for two hours where he doesn't shit and then he comes back in and does it again he did it twice yesterday hey sam sam only shit outside don't shit inside come here

so yeah come here and don't shit on me come here there you go bub so um so um so yeah i don't know maybe he's acting out too you know how dog people are like oh he did that because he did that because you brought another dog in the house for an hour and he's he's he's showing you he's the boss hey when people fucking say shit like that to me i want to shit in their house not on the in their fucking, on their rug or in their microwave. Dude, when people, you don't know, okay? I don't even like watching the fucking National Geographic, what is it, like the Discovery Channel? When they're like, the small park lizard licks its mate to show dominance.

You don't know? The fuck do you know? What the long-tailed koala hugs its friend for 40 minutes twice a week to show dominance. It's always dominance too. It's never anything but dominance. Oh, you know why they're doing that? To show dominance. The fuck do animals give a fuck so much about dominance? How the fuck do they know? They don't know. Also, dominance is just a word that we made up. We made up the word dominance. The fucking, you think the animal's like, yeah, this is dominance. I'm trying to express something and it's not coming out right. But you know what the fuck I'm talking about. How do you know? Oh, he does that because he's hungry.

Oh, he does that because he's sad. No, no, no, I'm not saying no for you. Come here, buddy. These dogs are so cute. I fell in love with them extra hard when they ran away I told you that but yeah you don't know oh he's acting out he put a messy shit

all over the corner because he's acting out nope he's just a dog had to shit um yeah but I don't know hopefully it gets better Just a dog. Had to shit. Yeah. But, I don't know.

Hopefully it gets better. People are going to tell me to take him to the vet. You know? Nah. They'll be fine. They'll just shit it out and he'll be fine. Everyone's always, every time I mention anything about my dogs, oh, you should take him to the vet.

Nah. It's going to be fine. The dogs are going to get over it. I watched that movie. I love the movie, the alien movies. Okay. Like I love alien. I loved aliens. I loved the more aliens or whatever the third one was called. Even more aliens. And then the then the fourth one hey pull up the alien all of the alien movies so alien was awesome aliens was awesome the third one was called fucking alien nation or whatever the alien three okay uh and then the fourth one was alien resurrection was that what it was i don't or i don't remember but alien resurrection that what it was? I don't remember. But Alien Resurrection. That fucking movie was horrendous.

Was it that one? And then what one was after that? Five. Yeah. Alien franchise. One of them was so bad. And it was just so different than the other three, there it is,

Alien Resurrection, okay, yeah, all right, and then Prometheus came out, and I actually liked it, I heard mixed reviews, but I liked Prometheus, and then I saw Alien Covenant last night, and I don't know what they were doing,

but it was just, I don't know. Maybe I'm dumb. Did people like it? It just... What was I going to say about it? I wanted to talk about something about it, though. Alien Covenant.

What the fuck was I going to talk about it? I love fucking Danny McBride. Oh, the cast was awesome. The acting was great. And you know, Michael Fassbender was awesome as that fucking weird-ass robot. I hate when actors play robots because it's always just dumb because it's so easy. And then I hate when people are like, dude, he was actually really good. As an actor, it's hard to play a robot. There's always that asshole that's like, it's actually really and then i hate when people are like dude he was actually really good as an actor it's hard to play a robot there's always that asshole that's like it's actually really

hard to play a robot and you're like nah the story was cool about how it originated the fucking alien like it showed how the original alien in the sigourney Weaver 1979 version was in it. But it was cool how they showed that alien come about. But I don't know. I don't know if I liked it or not. You got to tell me what you think. But there was a lot of shit. I got to tell you there was a lot of shit that didn't make sense. But maybe

I'm just a fucking dum-dum. So let me know if you saw Alien Covenant. I just just a fucking dumb dumb so let me know if you saw Alien Covenant I just love that fucking franchise though it's so dope I loved how Alien 1 was a fucking um uh uh what do you call it um horror movie technically you know what I mean it was just like the alien trying to find her in the spaceship, but it got away with being sci-fi too. It's a crossing genre. It's a crossing genres. Anyway.

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Here's what I love about my cousin. I wrote, hey, what was that bullshit music you listened to that's very bad and it's just noise? And he literally just sent me the link. Like didn't argue it or say, ha, ha, ha, fuck you. He just literally sent me the link. And I'm going to play you a little bit of it. I should just play it over this, huh? Fuck it.

This guy's name is Kazumoto Endo. And this is the, this is, I'm just going to play like a few seconds of it. Oops, hit Siri. Oops! Oops, I hate when I hit that! Dude, make it harder to hit fucking audio thing man dude it makes me angry when you fucking go to do some shit and i'm like all ready to show

somebody fucking something and then and then this shit oh and i didn't and i tried to that and you hit that fucking thing this is it. That could have been part of the song anyway. Hey, this is the music. This isn't something wrong with your radio. This isn't my fucking gardeners chopping down a redwood. This isn't... Hey, that's... Here's my favorite part about that. So that's the music, okay? There is a faint fucking... in the background, I believe.

But here's the thing that fucking drives me up the wall every song has got a title right this song's title is or i guess this is the album i don't know what it is either way it's called while you were out hey what hey while you were out Hey, dude, listen You want to listen to while you were out? Oh, cool, dude, hey Uh, what is it? It's a song, yo, check it out Dude, that reminds Oh, you know what's so funny about that music? It reminds me of hanging out with somebody

And then they have to go somewhere And then I'm just kind of hanging out there. We should call it While You Were Out. Dude, how is that? How do you name something like that? None of those songs should have names. They should just have fucking sounds. Have you ever heard the song? Have you heard the song?

That's what that is. Have you heard the song? While You were out? Hey, man. I'm on to you. You're tricking us. Not the piece of shit here. You are.

Dude, if I mean. Let's read some of the fucking YouTube comments on this. this all right well let's read some of the fucking youtube comments on this this is probably the most accessible harsh noise album ever i mean i mean what what does it even mean any of it this is probably the most accessible harsh noise album ever uh accessible imagine imagine a fucking wedding dj played that this is like fucking a little bit something now hey a little bit something now hey a little bit something now hey a little bit louder now hey a little bit louder now hey a little bit louder now hey oh yeah oh yeah it's such a time. Shout out to the bride and groom. Woo, yeah, all right, yeah.

All right, aha. Uh, I want a divorce. Sorry, sorry, wife. I just fucked one of your bridesmaids. I think the devil got into me. Oh, we got to fire that DJ. Okay, hey, oh, anyway. Celebrate good times, come on. Oh, yeah, all right, bride and groom, yeah. Oh, she's going to throw the thing around her leg for some reason behind her.

Celebrate good times, come on. Whoever, she's going to throw the thing around her leg for some reason behind her. Celebrate good times. Come on, whoever catches it is going to be married next. Ha-ha, even though it probably won't happen. Throw the bouquet over your shoulder. Good night. No reason to throw plants at all. Celebrate. All right, ha-ha, here we go.

I'm going to kill my wife I'm going to kill my wife and her family Oh, okay Hope you liked that little Kazumoto Endo While you were out I mean, what? It's experimental. It's experimental. Oh, man.

Oh, man. And the fucking cover of the photo is an asian guy and he's on one of those like playground seesaw fucking springy things that's a horse and he's bent all the way back and he looks it is insecure and it looks like he's about to take a fucking shit for real it looks like he literally is at the point where he shit himself while you were out casamumoto Endo. Look it up. Look it up. Look at him. Look at the cover. It's so funny. It looks like he literally just was like, uh-oh, I shit myself. I mean, Google image it. Kazumoto Endo.

Wow. Wow. My producer is laughing so hard. Dude, he's on a little elephant springboard. What is that pic, you know? Also, too old to be on a playground. Leave. Yeah, dude. Oh, man. Shit is so funny. Like, what the fuck is happening in this world that you can make a music that goes my dogs are looking at me like hey man stop that and of course dogs smarter than humans anyway tracker do you guys know what this is? Wallet, phone, keys, wallet, phone, keys. Why does leaving the house always turn into world's most annoying scavenger hunt? Hey, you know how much time I've lost looking for these things? It's so annoying. Eight years ago, Tracker changed everything when

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money 30 day money back guarantee which means which means that you have nothing to lose. Go to thetracker.com. Enter promo code congrats to get 20% off any order. That's T-H-E-T-R-A-C-K-R.com. Promo code congrats for 20% off. Thetracker.com. Promo code congrats for 20% off the tracker.com promo code congrats square cash uh everyone is switching to the cash app because it's the it's the best way to pay people back friends family co-workers dogs ghosts sending and receiving money is totally free and

fast and most payments can be deposited directly into your bank account in seconds here's how it works okay you download the square cash app you link your debit or credit card select an amount to send and type in a friend's phone number or email address to come to complete a payment they'll get a notification that they've just received money and then guess what there's no more steps it's like four steps and then you got money or you sent the bill. No gimmicks. It's better than the other ones because the other cash apps, they're like a social network. It's really annoying. It'd be like, hey, Tom paid Brady for sushi.

Oh, really? I don't care. And Tom and Brady don't want you to know that either. Okay? I don't want people to know what i'm paying anyone for all right so you can do that and be you know be getting the square cash app for ios or android now just download it now now dude you understand me now oh this music dude I can't believe the... My dogs are so, so, so, so sweet right there.

One of them has their ears up. One of them has their ears down. And I don't like when people say, you can't even tell them apart. you can, because one's silver and one's black and one's got the ears up and one got the ears down and one's fat and portly and one is tall like a teenager. Dude, I put my dog on a diet and I started feeding him half the food. It was one of the dogs is just like eats, eats everything. Sam doesn't give a fuck about anything. He's like basically somebody that would listen to fucking Kendo Atsumoto or whatever the

fuck his name is. Uh, he's like a hipster dog. But my other one is just like, yo, if it's good, I'll eat it. Like Butters is like the frat guy. He doesn't give a fuck. And I'll just fucking munch on whatever the fuck so i put them both down and then i noticed that butters was eating all of it and sam was like i'll eat some i guess and so now i lock sam up like a fucking convict and i feed him more and i i have butters have free reign of the house and I feed him half and then what happens is at night Sam shits everywhere in the house so God figure out a new

plan I don't know um so let's do this here. Most fucked up. You guys, guess what it's time for? The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Okay. Here it is. This is 100% out of all the ones I've seen, the most fucked up Instagram post of the week.

I can't understand what this is. But this may be the best one we've had. Now, this one doesn't make me angry like the other ones. But this one makes me laugh more than the other ones. Okay? I'm going to start with the picture first. It's a guy and a girl in bed and they're being really cute together. Now, for some reason, there are so many pictures of a guy and a girl in bed on Instagram. Now that's infuriating,

but this couple looks kind of sweet. What I like about this couple is they look like they could be any race. It's very international, so it's very accessible. They could be white. They could be Puerto Rican. They could even be black. They could be from fucking Transylvania or Mars. I have no idea, okay? They look comfy, and they look like they're a little bit having fun and love. Now this is the caption under it. That moment where you wake up and tell your partner, baby, why do not you stop today and make me the milkshake? And she, then it has the dot, dot, dot,

then it has an emoji of a girl's face, starts to stick your finger in the ear playing tell me to go. This is a sex war. Who has not happened to your partner? Ha, ha, ha, ha. By the way, exclamation point. Not the end of a sentence. We have not decided yet. dot, dot, dot.

I will have to move on to a strategy, dot, dot, dot. That's the fucking caption. So my question for that person is, what? What? because then the hashtags are get fit nutritional plan miami fitness fit motivation healthy best nutrition lifestyle believe join me contact me do it you can do it transform your body wait transform your body herbal life nutritionife Nutrition. Coach. Believe in yourself. Let's do it.

Be strong. Coach. Wait, that's the guy's name. I don't want to say it. Nutrition Plan B Positive Opportunity. Hey, what? What the fuck? That is the most foreign thing I've ever heard in my life that moment where you wake up and tell your partner baby

why do you why do not stop today and make me the milkshake and she starts to stick your finger in the ear playing tell me to go this is a sex war who has not happened to your partner haha by the way we have not decided yet. I will have to move on to a strategy. This is a sex war. What's a sex war, dude? I mean, this is a sex war.

Dude, you know what the sex war is? Oh, I hit the fucking goddamn thing again. You know what? That song must hit the... It must activate the thing. I'm going to check out these congratulations pod hashtags here. I got the hashtags. A lot of you guys hashtag congratulations pod.

A lot of you guys hashtag gaming the system. So I'm going to look through some of these. Guys have sent us some good ones. How do you feel about – this is Noah Skirtu. At and Skirtu. Good job. How do you feel about people whose phones flash when they get a text? Oh, like the iPhone thing.

That's like seizure-inducing. Don't have that on. I've actually never seen a guy with that on. But I've seen girls have it all the time. And I'm pretty sure that it's for deaf people. And I'm pretty sure that's why the iPhone does that. So here's the deal. You can do that.

I mean, if you're just some regular white chick. But remove eardrums. but remove your eardrums. Take your fucking eardrums out. It's okay if you do that, but that's for the deaf. So what you got to do is take a needle, put it on the right side of your head, take a needle, put it on the left side of your head, and then push the needles inside your ears. It's all good. Then you flash it all day long. Won't be upset.

Instead, though, if you're talking, you don't sound like a deaf person, and you can hear, you got the flash on, then what we're going to need to do is break your phone. And you're a piece of shit. And you're not respectful to deaf people. Therefore, turn around.

And a deaf person gets to fuck in the ass. That's how it goes. Turn around for the deaf. You use that flashing thing? Turn around for the deaf. A deaf guy gets to fuck you silently. Okay? Okay?

Yeah, I don't like that at all um i mean this guy just writes dan myers at d myers 1590 that must be the year he was born 700 years old uh if you use a shoebox for the eclipse you could and even though you can't see which way i'm facing turn round very good usage of of the verbiage uh i mean i gotta fucking i'm gonna tweet this photo of a diagram of what this guy fucking what it's got i guess you put a white paper towel a white paper taped inside the end of the shoebox. And the sunlight goes in the other end. And then you put aluminum foil with a pinhole. And then the guy puts his head in the shoebox. And then looks the other way. Real stupid.

Real, real fucking stupid. I'm going to tweet this thing. Dude, if you need a shoebox to fucking see the eclipse, just go blind and look at the fucking sun, dude. Go blind and look at the— Dude, I would go blind looking at the sun more than I would put my head in a shoebox for science. Bye. No. No. No.

Here's one by, the handle is MattyTyler4L, and his name on it is Soraka Obama. Sublasphemous. That's the president. How has the podcast affected your comedy career? Do you look forward to it every week gaming the system congratulations pod um yeah well changed it i don't know but um i think probably more people come to the shows now because of it uh it's it's been awesome. It also makes people feel more connected to me, which is cool and scary. Because it's weird. I was talking to somebody about it, and they were like, it's weird because I feel like I know you, but I don't really. But you do, though.

You know? You do. I mean, I'm telling you my thoughts and bullshit. But you got to keep in mind, I don't know you. But you got to keep in mind, I don't know you. So when you're coming up to me like you know me, saying a bunch of stuff, don't know who you are, could be a random killer. All right?

Here's one from Troy Stevenson at Crystalia. How cuda is this? Congratulations. USA Today put up a thing that said, that obviously interviewed somebody about the eclipse, and they said, it made me cry, and my children cheered. For a few hours, America forgot its troubles as the solar eclipse captivated the nation. Yeah, it's pretty fucking dumb that it takes the moon blocking the sun to do that. But hey, I guess that is pretty grand. You know, I mean, the moon's blocking the sun, right? That's pretty fucking hectic. But that shouldn't make you not stab somebody because of their color.

You know, you should already know that you shouldn't have to look up to not stab someone. Bomb line. Is that the, you know what, dude? I think that's the bomb line. B-A-H-M line. It's the bomb line. Okay. Um, do you, oh, it's a good, you know what?

I never talked about this. Gabe Eatman at gabe eatman doing it right at chrysalia do you think gambling is cuda i do you know what man i'll tell you one thing right now i don't gamble you know why it's not fun and here's the deal um if you're gambling, you're probably not gambling more than you can afford. Therefore, it's not fun. If you're a true gambler, gamble too much, get your heart racing. And then when you lose, that's life. That's, that's, that's alive.

That's alive, dude. That's, that's, that's alive. That's alive, dude. That's fucking amazing. Like, like, that's the thing. Like,

what am I going to, so I gamble, I lose a hundred dollars. That really doesn't do much. I mean, you know, it's not like going to change my life. I mean, it's a lot of money,

a hundred dollars, a lot of money, but like, and then people are like, well, you're paying for your time. You're sitting at the blackjack table for an hour and a half. Nah, yeah, really? Or you coulda? Now, really?

Is that really what you mean? Or you just, you coulda? And I think maybe it's a ladder, dude. Look behind you. You got a tail? You got a shiny tail? How far does your beak go out? How does your your nose go out real far maybe i could sav at johnny seville congratulations pod gaming the system people that go live on facebook for no fucking reason at all talk about them i like how he just said talk about them like he's giving it up to me dude i was at the comedy store the other day and this fucking jerky fuck with like

capri pants and like sunglasses and a jacket and it was all white patches all over he looked like patch adams um came up to me with a phone in my face and just says, Facebook live, man. It's what he fucking says to me. And I go, Oh, and I keep walking. No, don't do that. So seven people can fucking just see what's up. Don't go on Facebook live unless you're a fucking personality. Okay. No, unless you do actual... No, you know what? Unless you have talent. Sit. Sit.

Sit. Bombline. Bombline. If you go on Facebook Live, Yin High School, turn it off. Bottom line. Okay. Um, if you go on Facebook live and you like work at a deli, turn it off, make sandwiches. Bottom line. Dude, do you go on Facebook Live? And are you a yoga teacher? Turn it off. Do a downward duck. Stretch out. Make your fucking feet go way too far from each other even though it's not natural. Bottom line.

Yeah. I don't even know what this guy means, Damien Desistin. What about people that put eight comms in their Twitter bio? You can't. Oh, in the bio. In the bio, yeah. Yeah, well, in the bio. In the bio, yeah. Yeah, well, just have a fucking thing that says, this is my life or some shit. My life in one sentence. Don't put fucking a bunch of commas. The more I found out, the more commas you use,

though, like when you start using too many, you're from South America. Like when you use too many, like when you don't need to put a comma somewhere, you're from absolutely Ecuador. Like when you use too many, like when you don't need to put a comma somewhere, you're from absolutely Ecuador. That's it. And if you put the comma, dude, this is the most Ecuadorian shit you can do in the world. If you put the comma where it's supposed to be,

but put it a space, put a space after the word and then the comma, and then right after the comma, no space, but then the next word starts. Do you understand what I'm saying? That's the most fucking Ecuadorian, Salvadorian shit you can do to put like, hey, can you grab me the pepper?

You got to stay on that, whatever the fuck that was. Hey, can you grab me the pepper? But it's hey, space, comma, then no space. Can you grab me the pepper but it's hey space comma then no space can you grab me the pepper s salvadorian s ecuadorian okay uh what is that that i'm looking at dude that's a food food reviewer oh i'm not gonna blast that guy never mind go ahead i just feel bad he's's trying to make a living here. Oh, got it. What's that?

What's that right there? Oh, the girl with the fucking... This guy's funny, dude. I like this. He wrote, Chris Fight, at Kuda's Bye. Oh, he's got a picture of this beautiful woman that's got like so many fucking army what would you call those patches and army pins and shit medals on her thing and he writes on the fucking thing and scroll up oh hey you vietnam vet dude you marine nah you, don't do. And then he hashtags stolen valor.

Dude, you know what is a funny word? Valor. Oh, valor, valor, valor. Valor? Yeah, but valor. But you know what? Valor. Having valor, I have valor. Imagine thinking, dude, you know what? Valor. Having valor, I have valor.

Imagine thinking, dude, you know what? I have fucking valor, dude. I got to put these fucking pins on. I have so much fucking valor. Let's look up the definition of valor. Go ahead. Valor, I said. the definition of valor go ahead valor i said valor great courage in the face of danger especially in battle

dude let me tell you right now if you're a fucking um uh baby you have some valor if you step up to a cuda and tell them your cuda that they're kudas that's it you have some valor if you step up to a cuda and tell them that they're cudas. That's it. You got some sort of valor. Valor or valer? Valor? I forget. Okay.

So that's what's up. And if you're in my cult, you got some sort of valor because that's, you know, and it's not stolen valor. It's real valor that you have because you you're you're you're representing something that's bigger than you and i appreciate you preach um anyway i think i'm about to wrap this up though man um loved kicking back when this is this was a relaxed episode you know i also was testing out some video equipment so uh might be doing that soon so that's why it was a little bit a little bit more of a relaxed episode but dude you guys were with me man you're with me you know

we're doing this together we're growing together you know when people say that and want to fucking fight them all day long? Upcoming shows, we've got Salt Lake City. I added a show there. Phoenix, Tempe, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Charlotte, North Carolina, Adelaide, Australia, Perth, Australia, Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Irvine, California, San Jose. And I'm putting up a one in Columbus soon and merchandise announcements get made on Twitter so be sure to follow there and guess what guys new CUDA shirts to show people that they're CUDAs I got new shirts I ordered a bunch I ordered hundreds of new shirts today

they're gonna go today all? So get on that, chrisdalia.com, and get your cute shirts and all those other dad hats and shit. Watch Man on Fire if you haven't yet. Now, you probably have because you're listening to this and you're a fan of mine.

But Man on Fire on Netflix, if you want valor, go check that out. And that's my Netflix special. And you can also watch Incorrigible if you want Valor, go check that out. That's my Netflix special. You can also watch Incorrigible if you want extra Valor. Rate, interview, and this podcast, please.

Tweet me at the hashtag congratulations pod. Thank you. Website is congratulationspod.com and chrislea.com for the cuda shit.

And that's it, dude. You guys are great. Thanks so much for being my babies. Bye. Congratulations, motherfucker! Congratulations, motherfucking Bob, you fucking fucker! Motherfucking Ray is a motherfucking child, motherfucker!