Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 300. Ramblings Of A Madman

Episode Date: February 16, 2023

😏 If you want totally ads/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia Love is in the air on the 300th episode of Congratulations! This week Chris has thoughts on the Superbowl, Rihanna's halftime show, fake holidays, tipping, and the movie Skinamarink. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

it's your boy you know i'm like a rapper and i say it's your boy got completely yatted up so far it's crazy how many yet twos i got but also dude we're gonna get into this episode and uh it's gonna be amazing love you guys uh honestly, welcome to the next. Welcome to this episode of Congratulations. So it's like this, dude. I love you, you know. I'm going to be in New York coming up here on Saturday

February 18th the second show there's still tickets left Kansas City Minneapolis Austin, Texas we got a bunch here chrysalia.com

for tickets go to chrysalia.com and it's episode what is it? 300? is this 300? is this 300? Is this 300? Episode 300.

That's very annoying. But it's episode 300 of congratulations. Yeah, I never thought we'd get it, but we got it, dude. We got it, and we're sitting nice. What did I do to celebrate? Shit, man, I was going to maybe do something special for the episode 300, but I totally freaking forgot about it. And it's okay.

I totally forgot about it and it's okay because honestly every episode is the same. It's me talking about the hard-hitting issues like pants and shirts and whatever's been going down in my life. And also I do talk about other things too. I talk about like we're going to talk about the Super Bowl. We're going to talk about all sorts of stuff. Valentine's Day or how when your girls are single and they do it, they do Galentine's Day, which is, by the way, that's – I don't – any holiday, first of all, is made up. So don't make it up your own way, right? They did it.

Done. Valentine's Day, that's it. Galentine's Day, no. Thanksgiving. That's it. Friendsgiving. No. Just Thanksgiving with your friends. You can be a loser and you don't have to coin your own term. You can be a single loser and you don't have to coin your own term. Galentine's Day. No. The only thing I accept is dudes and times day because single dudes hanging out together on valentine's day that are straight unbelievable straight dudes and times day that's the main thing i want to do straight dudes and times day but um and yeah so we don't do

friends giving and anytime someone does a potluck, you know, potlucks are okay. But basically have a family. And if you don't, it's sad. And that's fine. But revel in it. Just revel in it. Be sad. Feel your feelings.

Right? Because if you don't feel your feelings and you just, you know, you're going and doing your Friendsgiving and Galentine's Day, you're really faking the funk. And we don't want to fake the funk. Right? You want to feel your feelings. So that's what's up. Had a great time on the road. Where was I? Where was I last even? San Antonio. Did I do that? Did I talk about that yet? And Houston. Did I talk about that yet? Did I talk about that yet?

Did I talk about Houston? When was I there? Where was I last? Wow. No idea. Yes, dude. I need ginkgo biloba. I need to stop taking up a pendant. Dude, I legitimately have no idea where I was last. Wow. San Antonio, Houston, and let's see. Wait, far. What was I? Okay, hold on. Wait. So I think that was the last one. San Antonio, yes. Oh, San Antonio, absolutely bonkers. That crowd was absolutely bonkers. San Antonio was great. We love it. Houston, well, it was Sugarland, that's why. Very rich area of Houston, like 19 miles away from Houston.

I tried to pretend like it was Houston so the people from Houston would go get it. Yeah, there were over 2,000 people there. The crowd was okay. Don't know what it was, but it was only okay. Had a bad set. Felt lonely afterwards. Yes, dude. Family wasn't with me.

Felt lonely afterwards. Yes, man. Didn't want to feel my feelings. Wanted to go into my phone. Yes, did I? No. David Sullivan was there. Talked it out with him.

Yes, dude. You need to talk out your feelings with people. Otherwise, you, you, you know, you get, you, you, you know, it all gets bunched up and there talked it out with him yes no need to talk out your feelings with people otherwise you you you know you get you you know it all gets bunched up and you get fucked up and yes that becomes a tumor and say in cancer yes but you'll die of cancer anyway and it's okay right because you're gonna die of cancer anyway uh uh you know because it's like if the stress doesn't get you the ice cream will if the ice cream doesn't get you who knows the radiation if there's something going on you're going to be living near a nuclear power plant or whatever um so san antonio houston and then um what do you call it uh i went to uh what was the third one oh

louisiana oh the show was bonkers dude the show was bonkers honestly new. The show was bonkers. Honestly, New Orleans, I was like, I don't know about this place. It seems like such a party town that I don't know if it's going to be a good show or not because everyone's all interested in just showing their tits and doling out beads. But I did the show and it was great. It's a tough sell in New Orleans for comedians, unless you're Theo Vaughn because he's from there. But it's a tough sell. And the crowd was just awesome. I think the goal, I think the trick is to do the Sunday shows there because their vibe is party no matter what.

But if you do Friday, Saturday, their vibe is party. And they're not the last thing you're doing. They're doing that night. They're not the last thing that they're doing that night. But you might be if it's Sunday. We did a 7 o'clock show. And maybe at 9 o'clock after the show, they're like, yeah, the last thing that they're doing that night but you might be if it's sunday we did a seven o'clock show and maybe at nine o'clock after the show they're like yeah it's sunday we're going home they're not they're not pre-lit at your show they're lit at your show they're not pre-lit to get to the lit shit because nobody is more activated and excited than a

pre-lit person you want to already you want the people at your event already lit you don't want them pre-lit because pre-lit means everything's gonna be fucking annoying and shit's gonna catch on fire and there's gonna be people yelling out like woo or whatever the fuck it is especially at a comedy show right um so we did it uh and it was great and the new orleans show was absolutely fantastic i love those people in new orleans and people actually in new orleans came out to the show had no idea stayed at the fucking i don't know where we stayed, a really nice hotel right on the strip there. And David Sullivan was always being like, you know, David Sullivan, my friend came with me, my friend from Texas. And he was always just saying stuff

like, is this the French Quarter? And I'm just like, dude, stop asking that. Because it doesn't matter where you are as long as you look up and you're having a good time. And that's a quote to put on my fucking tombstone and I'm being dead serious. It doesn't matter where you are. Just look up. If you're having a good time, breathe easy, my baby. That's why we say life rips. Speaking of which, we've got the new merch going on, Mike.

Life rips. We've got the nice winter colors. It's super, super nice. Get one. Get one for you. Get one for your significant other and cuddle near the fireplace because that's what it is. Lots of storms everywhere. The merch didn't even make it to San Antonio. Well, then a little bit of it made it to San Antonio and it didn't make it to Houston and it didn't make it to Louisiana. Yes, dude, because of the storms. All good, man. And I tell you,

that's really fucking annoying that that happened. Because that's money from my pocket that I don't get to have. All right. It's all good, though, dude. But it's like, no, it's annoying, right? No dents, but it's annoying, though, right? And then people complain, because, dude, you can only get the merch exclusively at the shows, and if you're in Louisiana waiting for the exclusive merch and then you can't get it, I'm just like, okay, it hurts me, it hurts you.

So we're hurt together, we're in the same boat, and it's fine but dude you know it is what it is what can i do what can i do i can't do anything if there's going to be a storm coming um but yeah he's ridiculously yeah he's ridiculously added up like now i'm actually a tatted up guy you know how many tattoos i have nine nine i got a flower here an elevator a fucking staircase all all different ways to get up and down a building. And then fucking fire and an eagle and a plane and a fucking 40 with the floral arrangement. And then a fucking paper airplane right here.

Oh, dude. Do not make me get a cityscape on my neck because I will. Right? Because I will. Because I'm going to be fucking ridiculously. I don't know, man. I don't know why you listen to this fucking podcast because basically it's ramblings of a madman,

but I love tattoos. And when I hit 40, I was like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm going all in. And I did. And then I saw Michi Ngankele and I was like, that guy looks cool with a bunch of tattoos. So I'm like, you know what?

I'm just going for it fuck it uh um also when i hold the fucking microphone and i do it like this people are just gonna be like he's yeah i'm practically lenny kravitz up in this bitch but i don't even know if he has tattoos also when black guys get tattoos like it's like they need to get you know those neon ones that they make now those are fucking pretty cool not my style but black dude should that. Because when you just get black ink on a brown body, you can't really see it. It still does look kind of cool. But it's kind of like when you're a white guy and you get tattoos, you really are making a fucking statement. You know what I'm saying?

So, yeah. So, you know, sorry about the merch shit. But we do have a we do have a we do have a good time on the road love my openers man uh i love the comedians i shouldn't even say they're openers that's something i used to say i wish i didn't do that i'm fortunate to have comedians open for me that are already comedians and very good like when michael anochi would open for me and he still does sometimes but now i got got Denny Love and I got Lolo Gonzalez. And I'm very fortunate because they don't need to be opening.

They're stars in their own right, you know, Mike, Denny, and Lolo. But, yeah. So what did you do for Valentine's Day? Did you do the thing where you took your woman out, your wife or your fiancé or girlfriend or whatever it is? Did you take them out on Valentine's Day? Or did you bitch out and do it like on a Wednesday or a Monday? Not the Tuesday, right? Dude, I'll tell you what.

When it comes to Valentine's Day, first of all, a made up holiday, all holidays are made up, okay? It's okay. It's fine, right? Like even Christmas, you could be like, well, but that's when the Lord did whatever he did. But you're like also, yeah, yeah, but also, you know what i mean like babyface has a christmas album so really does it right yeah okay the lord did this and great but then there's like jingle all the way and elves and shit so it's like yeah it's kind of made up though right santa yeah but an easter but

that was when the lord did whatever he did on Easter. But then also it's like, there's a bunny hopping around. Okay. And you need to hide a candy and eggs and look. So it's like, all right, but it's real, but also it's made up. So it's real, but also is it like, I get, you can be religious, but also money, a bunny, right? So, uh, what'd you do for Valentine's Day? Because I'll tell you what I did. I fucking when it comes to Valentine's Day, dude, I'm Mr. Bitch out. Because mostly, though, because she said that we could do it on Wednesday and then mostly also because I have one of my group, my group, my men's groups on Tuesday night. And I can't miss it, dude, because I can't miss it, man, because I got to talk about my feelings, because if I don't talk about my group, my men's groups on Tuesday night. And I can't miss it, dude, because I can't miss

it, man, because I got to talk about my feelings because if I don't talk about my feelings, I'd all get jumbled and I live in resentment. And when I relive and resentment, I get in trouble. We don't want to, we don't want to live in resentment. Right. And it's not some sort of thing where I feel pissed off and then boom, I'm going to go, you know what I mean? Just numb out in my phone or numb out with, you know, trying to whatever it is, you know, thinking about sex, whatever it is, numbing out, right? Instead of what it is, is I get resentment and then it festers and I live in that world for a while. And before I even know it, it's like, okay, I'm numbing out. Um, and that's just a life of an addict. But I will tell you this, though,

dude, we're doing it on Wednesday. And mainly it's number one, mainly because I had to do my group. But then also my wife said that we should do it another day. But also that's how you save money. But I didn't even know that. It doesn't even matter. Right. No dents. But also by the time I even tried to do something on a tuesday everything was sold out so all good you know what i mean even most hysteria so it's like what can i do dude i live in la and everyone's trying to fucking you know and i want to get a table but then it's like can i call and say i'm chris talia but it's like not really because john mayer already has that seat and who's gonna get it between me and john mayer? Him. And that's okay. But it's like, you know,

like they got to be like, ah, I know you're Chris D'Elia, but actually Lloyd Banks is bringing his side bitch. So, oh, okay. Well,

why is he bringing his side bitch for Valentine's day? Cause Wednesday's the side chick. I didn't know that. My, somebody told me that they're like, Monday's the side chick day for Valentine's day. And Tuesday's the actual Valentine's day. And I'm i'm like dude is that actually a real thing and she goes yeah and i was like nah but that's like you saw sopranos one too many times and she's like

no it's real so monday night if you see a dude with a chick that's their side chick right that's their side chick but no but i'm going wednesday so what i don't even know what that means but i'm that's my this is my whole how, but I'm going Wednesday, so I don't even know what that means, but that's my, this is my whole, how about that, I'm bringing my whole life out, side chick, Valentine's Day, and then the real shit on Wednesday,

I'm bringing my whole life out, my wife, I'm gonna look in her eyes, and eat some pasta or something, so yeah, I don't know man, so don't call it Galentine's Day. That's some CUDA shit.

And then we, so, you know, I don't know. Is there love in the air even? Is there love in the air? Is there love in the air? Sometimes I feel love in the actual air. You know, I'm just like, I feel love, right? Like I'm walking on sunshine. But sometimes I'm like, maybe not really. There's not like some love in the actual air. You know, I'm just like, I feel love, right? Like I'm walking on sunshine, but sometimes I'm like,

maybe not really, there's not like some love in the air. Guess what I don't do anymore? Guess what I don't do anymore? Go to coffee shops and sit. He graduated, dude. I'm 42. I don't go to coffee shops and sit anymore.

Maybe when I'm on the road, you know me, I hang out at coffee shops or I run the block, right? Not anymore. I'm 42. I've decided that's too old to sit at coffee shops and hang out anymore. Dude, he makes decisions. He lives with intent. Okay. And if you're 42, you shouldn't do it either how about that dude there's so many fucking rules in life that are the real rules right people are always like yeah don't rob and i'm like yeah don't rob but the real rules though so i don't do it anymore i just go i get the coffee and i leave. What are we going to do, man? What are we going to do, right?

What are we going to do? That's what I decided. There's no reason for me to be in a coffee shop just sitting around. I'm 42. I'm 42. And I've been thinking about this. Part of it is, you know, family man. I want to be with my wife and son a little bit more, and that's fine, but I was at a coffee shop the other day, it was yesterday, I went in to just get the coffee and bounce out, because that's what I do now, dude, right, I'm like, I'm really cool about it.

I'm like, well, why is that? Oh, he doesn't. Oh, I thought he, oh, okay. Oh, but that's the comedian. Oh, okay. I guess he's gone. Well, I wanted to ask for a pay, but okay, whatever. I go in and you know, this thing we're like now,

by the way, the whole fucking, remember when we used to just put our cards in the thing and then take them out. And now it's, first of all, you used to just give the credit card to the guy. And the guy would be like, first of all, before that, you just use cash. Right? Like in 1950 or something.

I don't know. When the credit cards come out. 2005. And you just give cash. And then the guy would take the cash and then give you more cash right when the credit cards come out 1960s all right so when my dad was born people were just their pockets just look like big fucking water beetles right if you were rich because you couldn't even have or you had checkbook you know you're the asshole with the checkbook at fucking save on

whatever but then they invented the credit cards. And then, by the way, before money, there was just you would trade shit. You know? You'd be like, hey, I really like those coffee beans. Can I get a bag of them? And people would be like, yeah, but what do you got? And you'd just be like, you want this scarf? And they'd be like, it does get

cold around here. And you just give them a scarf and you give you like two bags of beans. Right. Um, and then money, which I never really was a big fan of money because you give people money and you'll give them like $1 if something is 45 cents. and then you get back like two quarters and a nickel or even worse you know three dimes two nickels and two more nickels and then another nickel you know and then you just got like so many i gave you one and now i gotta have all this bullshit right that sucks to give something one dollar and then more stuff that's actually less i'm not a part of it right so and heavier right so it's like money's bullshit then credit cards cool then it's like you give the guy the credit card the guy takes the credit card does the thing and

then gives it back and you got to sign it it's too much then they came up with the fucking you slide the credit card thing in great take it out great fine i got i i do the credit card shit now but now it's like they're like ah either slide it or put it in for a little bit or just put it around the area. And it's like, okay, first of all, pick one. This is your fucking establishment. I have the card. What the fuck is there to do? Everybody's got the fucking tap shit.

So if you just want to make it to tap shit, tell me to just wave it around the area. Now that doesn't, this is one of those things that the technology is not caught up to the thing. Cause a lot of times they're like, yeah, the tap function, actually,

it doesn't really work. So slide it in. And you're like, ah, all right. I'm just getting used to the tap shit now but fine so it's completely fucking annoying i want to go back to the days where you just take my credit card do what it is you need to do now all people are like oh yeah but it's safety in australia

they've been doing it forever and so is britain and it's like okay yeah i guess it's safer if not everybody's holding my credit card but whatever dude here's the fucking annoying part they there's too many screens now you tap it they go okay is this amount okay yes okay you want tip oh all right and then give you like three or four options for a tip it'll be like 10 20 30 like first of all the balls right like 20 okay and i do 30 a lot of the time, but most people ain't fucking, we fly high, no lie, we roll in. And like, I get it, right? But since I'm the kind of guy who, you know, everybody, they know when I walk in, we fly high, no lie, we roll in. They know, right? So I'm like, well, I can't not tip 30.

And then somebody tweets out, and he doesn't tip well. But also, I don't do it to get in right with fucking Jesus. I do it because, you know what? This coffee, the tip is $2. Fuck it. Who cares, right? But I don't. Here's what I don't like.

You look at it. Now, I'm going to do it with you as if we're doing like, you see the 10% and then you see the 20% and then you see the 30%. So everybody knows the left side is the little tip. If that's what you want to do. Sometimes companies are savvy, like sandwich places, like mom and pop places. They'll flip it and put the 30% first, then 20, and then 10. So you think automatically you go boop and hit the 30, even though you think you hit

the 10 and then you go, ah, fuck it. And then sign the thing and hit it. Right? Dude, that is some fucking bitch shit. That's undercover. That's like the fucking GoFundMe, how they, they add the tip in already. They say, you're going to get 15%, right? And you go, what, what? And you got to unclick it. That's a bit like robbery. It's an unspoken

thing. So it's not like robbery, but it's an unspoken thing. But we all know that the money is supposed to go little money to the left and then upper, upper, bigger money to the right. Okay? But here's the deal. There's too many screens, right? Because then you got to click the tip and then you got to sign it and click the okay. It's like, dude, this is taking longer than when we just used to trade shit. It would be way quicker if I just got two packs of beans and I pulled the scarf off. So now it's taking too long as it is, but here's the most,

here's the thing. Sometimes, because the screens are different, and by the way, thank God you're listening to this podcast because this is very important, and like and subscribe, honestly, and leave a comment on how do you feel about this even though i don't care but i want you to know i want you to do it it helps out grow them um do i when when people's when when you get the tip screen and you walk away sometimes you don't think you're like i hit the thing i gotta go away now and then they and then the tip screen is left open, right? And the guy behind the thing is like, oh shit, he didn't do the tip screen. Never once have I ever heard the guy say,

oh man, you didn't do the tip screen. Not once in my life have I ever heard that. But I have heard people say, oh, it's asking you some questions. Now we know what's going on there. They don't want to sound greedy. And I get why they do it. And they don't want to put you in that uncomfortable situation where it's like,

oh, shit, yeah, I wasn't going to give you a tip. I was going to put zero, but I fucked up now. You're looking at me do it. Cause you know, I didn't do it. So dude, today the guy goes like this, not even like he didn't even do it any sort of, I understand. You don't want to say, oh, you didn't do the tip, but he goes like this. It was well across the coffee place. Cause I forgot to click all the fucking buttons. He says, across the coffee place because i forgot to click all the fucking buttons he says oh man it's still asking you a question and i go i say huh and he says it's still asking you a question and i'm like oh i walk over and i say yeah yeah yeah and i give him a 30 tip because you know what i mean but it's like

and and you know what i mean but it's like and and you know what I mean but it's like dude it was so fucking funny and those are the things I think about and I'll go a step further those are the things I think about all day long now

did I do couples therapy three days in a row and did it last for hours each day and the answer is yes did I talk about real feelings and emotions yes did my wife talk about real feelings and emotions? Yes. Did my wife talk about real feelings and emotions? Yes.

Okay. Yes, we did. Was it hard for me? Yeah. Why? Because I want to think and talk only about things like the tipping function at a coffee shop. Why? Because I want to talk about things that interest me and I think are funny.

But why? Because it's a defense mechanism, so I don't have to deal with real feelings. Why? Because something happened in my childhood that made me

wall up and close off. What? I'm not telling. So it's like... Oh, shit. So I'll just get a bunch of tattoos and keep on living. You know what I mean, dude?

It's just life rips, man. It does. You're either growing or dying. I say that. You're either growing or dying. I fully believe that. You're either growing or dying. Because one time Ed O.G. said, death is just the moment when the dying ends.

And as a young lad, 25, I just go, hmm. That's interesting because I've also heard the quote to live is to find meaning through the suffering yes I pulled it out I thought I forgot it dude and I'm like hmm but I've also heard life is a highway I I'm going to ride it all night long. So I'm like, which one though? Am I going to be super jerk off positive or super jerk off negative, right? And I'm like, shit, man. What I think is you're either growing or dying because that's your choice.

That's your choice. You could either grow or die. And death is just the moment when the dying ends, if you're not growing. It's all about choice. You got to grow or die. That's why when they say stuff like skate or die, I'm like, no. There's so many different things you can do in between skating and dying, like eating a blueberry muffin, taking a walk around the park, flying to Fiji.

But there's nothing you can do in between growing or dying. You're either doing one or the other. So that's why I say grow or die. Which one are you doing? I choose grow. But it's hard, right? It's hard because you're always, to grow, you have to feel your feelings.

You can't numb out. You can't only think about things like tipping at coffee shops and cargo pants. You got to think about the stuff that hurts and is real. Grow or die. So yeah.

So that's why I did a couple of therapy for three days in a row for way too many hours. It's all good. I saw... Got so much mucus for some reason. Yes, all good. I saw... Yes, dude.

I saw the Super Bowl. Or as I call it, the stupid bowl. No, I'm kidding. It was actually a really good game. It really was a good game. Patrick Mahoney, Pat Mahoney, Pat Mahoney, Pat Mahoney, Pat Mahone boy. And then the other guy, Jalen Hurts. Everybody hurts. It's a good song. Sometime. Whoa. It's a good song. Sometime, whoa.

And it was good, dude. It was a good game. And then Rihanna went on the thing. And then, of course, here's the thing. Rihanna can do no wrong. Ever. Now, I don't mean to take away from her. She is talented as all get out.'s got a great voice and she's beautiful

and she's just cool right big rihanna fit i didn't know she had she's taking the super bowl i'm like she got that many hits they kept coming dude and i'm watching her do the thing and she can do no wrong. Like, honestly, Rihanna could legitimately have like, she could go rob a bank without a mask and people would be like, well, she deserves that money. And people would be like, it was actually my money at the bank. And they say, yeah, but you're not Rihanna.

And they go, what, what, what, what, what? I mean, well, why does she get it? She sings Rude Boy. And you're like, all right, I guess. It's kind of shitty. She took $5,000 from me and so much from other people all throughout it. And you're like, yeah, but umbrella. All right.

Also, she's one of those women that, by the way, she's super sexy. But she's one of those women that by the way she's super sexy but she's one of those women that everyone talks about is so beautiful that they just it's like okay dude alright right and she wore all pink and the and she was good and she

was pregnant and that was amazing because let me tell you something dude she performed half time she does this thing where she's like I'm dancing she's a great dancer but she didn't really do it this time

because she's pregnant and she's doing the thing where she's like I don't give a fuck about the dancing I'm cool I do whatever I want and it was very cool

how she was doing it it was great it was a great performance the only other performance that I liked in recent history was the

where Eminem and all the guys did it and 50 Cent was like upside down and uh Adam Levine is cool I didn't really see the one with the whatever the fuck it was um what's their band name Maroon 5 but um I do feel like Rihanna was killing it. And then I'm like, okay, so she's pregnant.

And then I'm like, how far along is she? I guess she's having another baby with A$AP Rocky, right? That's who it is. Because she had one recently. And apparently he fucking squirted all up in her immediately after because she's already pregnant again, although I'm no good with time. Like if you ask me when the Razor Scooter came out, I'd be like, I was at 2016. And people were like, dude, it was the 80s.

And I'm like, oh. And they say, well, what movie is George Hamilton coming out in? And they're like, huh? And I said, the gold guy who does that. And they say he's dead. He's not. But I'm like, oh, I didn't know how old you are. OK, whatever. Like, I have no I'm not good with time. So. So. She does the dancing and the singing and her voice is amazing and she's way sky high up into the i mean she's on a plank that's like also by the way like super if she fell off no more rihanna like like zero like zero more if she fell off just no more shine bright like a diamond shine bright like a diamond zero more shining like a diamond more just being in the dirt really dark like dead okay so she's on this plank and

it's like wobbly and she's just sitting there just fucking you know shine bright like a diamond, umbrella, L-I-A-A, just killing it. Not doing too much dancing because she's pregnant. I thought in the beginning, I was like, oh, she's not doing too much dancing

because she's on a plank. She could fall off and break all of her. But no, the truth is, she revealed the bump, but didn't even do a thing like look at my bump.

She was just like, I have a bump and I don't give a fuck about y'all. And that's super Rihanna and I love that. But then I'm like, Rihanna's doing all that shit. And my wife is like, can you get me a LaCroix?

And I'm just like... I've been saying yeah for like seven months. She's seven, she's almost eight months pregnant, my wife. And I'm like, she's like, hey, could you make sure the heat is in? And I get up and I go do it. And I'm like One more month left Which is like I gotta be doing all sorts of shit But I'm just gonna go like this

When she says Hey Chris Can you get the salt Or the Postmates is here Can you grab it I'm just gonna go like this Rihanna Hey why don't you shine bright like a diamond You grab it. I'm just going to go like this. Rihanna.

Hey, why don't you shine bright like a diamond and go downstairs and get it? You know what I'm talking about? I'm joking because I love her and she's my angel, but also on the comedy tip? Why don't you saunter down there and why don't you do that? Because this rude boy is cool right now. I'm just chilling. And you're actually, right? She said, but I'm eight months.

But I say, but Rihanna. Remember how she was really high up in Super Bowl 57 or whatever it was? And how she could have died? You know what I'm talking about? Dude, every dude who had a pregnant lady with them when they were watching the Super Bowl and Rihanna did the fucking shit and she's up there with seven months pregnant or however months pregnant she was. Every dude, there's every dude like this to their wife like this. But, and she said, well, I'm not Rihanna. And you go, but you could get the salt, right?

I'm just saying, I know you don't, and she's Rihanna. I'm not asking you to stand up on the plank and sing 15 hits, right? Which I don't, I don't think you should do. Even when you're not pregnant, I think that'd'd be exhausting i get that's rihanna you can't turn the air on that's all i'm saying dude i'm having a sympathetic pregnancy though so how about when dudes and then somebody to them you know it's a real thing they say sympathetic pregnancies and i say oh like the dude gets tired too because of the because he nutted in her six months ago okay cool i'll buy that then who's getting the fucking tabasco

you know i'm talking about so anyway rihanna made me question about that because like people think somebody told me once that they thought that blue balls i think it was my wife she said she thought blue balls was a conspiracy that guys just do it so they could be like oh come on i need to need a release you know i've never had blue balls myself right but um she thought it was conspiracy oh no no no no that's not what she thought was a conspiracy she thought it was a conspiracy that when guys got kicked in the nuts, that it hurt. She, that's what my wife thought when she was younger. And I'm like, no, dude, it hurts so bad. But I think it's a conspiracy with what's going on with these, you know,

I saw Rihanna dancing on a plank. What is she four months five months pregnant i started doing it okay so all i'm saying is why are you making me drive down to get cold cuts when rihanna instead of the plank right i'm not the one with the fat belly but you know it's like shine bright like a diamond go down to ralph's shut down shine bright like a diamond go down to home depot if we got the fucking shit going on um there's a movie that i caught on i was on itunes or whatever the fuck they call it now apple tv what are they not apple tv that what's the thing where you go can rent in the movies it's not apple tv whatever it is you know what i'm talking about movies you just

click on movies for at when you have the apple app right and you could just buy or rent movies right and if the sometimes it's like hey rent this movie for two dollars and you're like oh cool and then it'll be like rent this movie for twenty dollars and you're like what but both of them have matt damon in it and you're like why and they're like well because this one isn't available for purchase yet and you're like none of this makes any sense but whatever not a big deal so i rent i see the thing on the suggested for you whatever and it's called skinnamarink so i'm like i see the visual that's captivating to me of a little boy upside down on the ceiling the ceiling is the floor and the floor is the ceiling and the image is upside down and it it's grainy and it says skinnamarink so i'm like the only thing this could be is a

horror movie right because of the grainy footage because of how it's weirdly upside down. And then the number one thing that is always in a horror movie, a little boy. So like you can't nowadays have a horror movie without a little boy in it. You know that, right? Like it just doesn't happen. It's either the little boy is not in it. Little boy is either the object of the fucking scariness or the Little Boy is the scariness. And you don't know until the end, like that stupid movie Identity with John Cusack.

So I go to click the trailer because I watch trailers. I need to see if it whet my appetite because I see on Rotten Tomatoes is 71% with the Rotten Tomato, which is a good thing for Rotten Tomato, but also Rotten Tomato, we all know, is absolutely horse yank. It's not good. Rotten Tomatoes either are only the haters voting on the thing or all of the Asians that are excited about the Asian movies, and that's why Xing Xi or whatever the fuck that movie got 100% rating, and I looked at it, and it was the worst Marvel movie ever.

Ten rings, whatever. Too many rings, right? Even Lord of the Rings didn't specify it, and it was just kind of one ring, right? But Xing Ji, ten rings, you're just like, all right. That movie was awful. And all the Asians got on there like, oh, oh finally this is the fucking asian one boom boom boom 100 percent rating dude ron tomatoes you got no legs to stand on now after that xingji 99 whatever okay but it's the dorks that do it you know or the haters

spider-man far from home get the fuck far from my home i'm not watching that so so now i look at the skin of a rink 71% Rotten Tomatoes now i'm like okay a real rating a real fucking rating i can get behind something that's the best that is the best rating you can get for Rotten Tomatoes is 71% in my egotistical opinion. All right. But I look at the preview because I still want to whet my appetite, right? I see the 71% rating, but I'm still like, but should I actually watch this? Should I pay the $3 for it? Of course, it doesn't matter.

But so I click the preview So I click the preview. I watch the preview. I don't know what's going on the whole time I watch it. The whole preview. The two-minute preview. I don't know what's going on. The only thing I know is that it looks creepy, and these kids, like, can't really find anything that they're

trying to look for. So I, my, um, friend is, is over our friend, Kristen and I, a friend. And she says, let's watch it. So I say, really? It's a real specific watch. You sure you want to watch it? Or you want to watch something where we could just like veg out? And she says, I don't know, looks cool. So I say, all right, I turn it on. I turn it on. This movie, Skinner, it's so very weird for 10 minutes. It's got, it's like basically a slideshow. It's showing pictures. Some of them are moving, but most of them are not. They're still, well, they're moving pictures, but of still things. It's like they're filming the side of a wall, somebody's feet, the armrest of a couch, and nothing's really happening. There's a TV that's on in the background of a cartoon

with old-timey music, which makes it creepy. And then every now and then somebody says something, but you don't know who's saying it because it didn't show any faces yet. And you don't really know what they're saying because you can't really hear it because it sounds like this. What's wrong with having this union? because you can't really hear it because it sounds like this.

Was Rojas having his union? Except for the fact that sometimes there are subtitles and they let you know what the person's saying. So I'm like, okay, this is very interesting and I'm watching it for 10 minutes and I'm like, hmm. But also, come on. What's going on here? Make it a little more digestible. Is this a movie or is it ASMR?

Because the whole movie someone do this. Oops. Now, if you're alone in your car and it's nighttime, that was probably a little creepy, right? But that's what the movie is, and I'm watching it at night, and our friend is there, and thank God. Okay? Kristen has already went to bed, right? Because she's pregnant, and she goes to sleep at like 9.30 now, and she's not Rihanna. You know what I'm talking about?

So I'm watching this with our friend and 20 minutes goes by haven't seen a face still pretty much moving images of still things sometimes a toy will come into frame and like skip across the floor. Where's mom? And it says, where's mom on the thing? I'm like, all right, look, it is creepy. But also, come on. Make this a little more digestible, all right, so I look at our friend, and I say, you want to keep watching this, or what, and she says, I don't know, so I'm getting no help from,

I'm getting no help from the fucking movie, I'm just like stuck, it's 30 minutes into this movie, the movie's an hour and a half, and I'm, so I start Googling. I'm like, I got to Google to see if it's. So I Google, why is Skin of Meringue so scary? And it comes up. And now people, I see people saying, this is the scariest movie of all time. I see people saying, I've never seen anything scarier. I see people saying, there are horror movies. That's not what this is.

This isn't scary. This is terrifying. So I'm like, what? So now I'm like, all right, I guess I'm along for the ride. But I better start seeing some faces or something going on. Where's the police? And a picture of like a tricycle. And I'm like, all right.

Okay. But I gotta, I can't lie. If our friend left, I'm turning something else on. Not because I'm bored. Because I'm scared. South Park's got to go on after that. Because this looks like the devil filmed this. There are no shots outside the house.

So now I notice in the movie, all the doors and the windows, gone. The house had doors and windows. Then they're gone. And now the doors and windows, then they're gone. And now the kid's saying, I don't know. They can't find their dad. Where's their dad? No clue. So now these kids are just in a room in their house watching. They don't know where their dad is. They're alone and the TV won't turn off. So I'm like, that's a scary nightmare in a way, right? It's like a nightmare in the way of, oh, hey, what was your nightmare about? Not like this kind of nightmare where you're like, oh, dude, I was at war.

And all of a sudden I realized I was fighting werewolves and the werewolves came and ate me. And you're like, oh, I get how scary that is. It wasn't a nightmare like that. It was like one of those nightmares where you're like, dude, I had this crazy nightmare last night. And somebody is like, why, what was it about? And you say, I was with like my grandma or someone's grandma and it was my house, but the doors weren't there. And my grandma kept trying to like make me pasta, but she was in the other room. And I wasn't sure if that's really what she was doing. But then also there was like this pile of bricks and I somehow had to eat them,

but I couldn't cut them up. So I had to swallow them whole. And you're like, oh, well that's way worse than fighting werewolves. And how long were you in the dream? Well, they say dreams don't last more than three minutes, but I know I was in there for 11 years oh well that's that's fucking purgatory i'd rather have werewolves eat me than that right so so now i'm watching this movie i'm like this motherfucker is really kind of creepy i keep watching and an hour in i shit you not zero faces sometimes you see these children's feet you just see the a lamppost or like a foot of a bed the tv is on in the back

and i'm watching for an hour now i'm like hooked i'm like okay well i gotta ride this out and i look and they made the movie for fifteen thousand dollars and opening weekend i made two million dollars and i'm like what and then i'm like oh the I'm like, okay, well, I got to ride this out. And I look and they made the movie for $15,000 and opening weekend, I made $2 million. And I'm like, what? And then I'm like, oh, the director was a YouTube guy who would make short films about people's nightmares and then made this movie. And now it's like got some sort of awards and it's really doing something.

And I'm like, oh my God. So then about an hour into the movie, I hear not just one of the children's voices who are alone, by the way, I hear not just one of the children's voices, who are alone, by the way, I hear someone say, put the knife in your eye. And on the screen it says, put the knife in your eye.

And I go, huh, well, I'm not sleeping tonight. Because then, you see the back of a kid shake a little bit and you don't really know what he's doing. But then after about a minute or two, you realize, oh, that kid probably put a knife through his eye.

Shows more toys and shit. By the way, I'm not going to ruin the movie because you know why? You can't. If I told you every single thing that happened in this movie, it wouldn't be ruined in the movie because you can't ruin the movie. You can't spoil it. It's just terrifying. The movie ended and our friend left. And then I was sitting there in the kitchen and I said, well, I guess I got to go to sleep now because I'm tired. Went to sleep next to my wife, fell asleep, woke up in the morning, forgot that I saw the movie.

Then when I remembered I saw the movie, I had this emotional response with me that was a very low-grade kind of, what the fuck did I watch last night? It was all day. Then the next night, my wife went to bed early and I was downstairs alone and I was too scared. So I had to watch fucking South Park. This movie, Skinnamarink, it is one of the creepiest movies I've ever seen in my life. And I really want to know what you think of it. I don't know if it's, I guess it's good because it made me feel very, very weird. And it's very, very scary for zero reason. Okay. And of course, you know, me addicts behavior. I went on the guy's YouTube page and I watched a lot of his short films. They're all absolutely fucking terrifying. So what the fuck's going on? I have no idea,

but go see that movie skin of a rink. It's worth $3 to rent it. Um, but go see that movie, Skinnamarink. It's worth $3 to rent it. It's called Skinnamarink 2. You know? Skinnamarink, a-rink-a-dink, Skinnamarink, da-doo. And then he purposely called it Skinnamarink,

not Skidamarink, because Skidamarink is that children's song and he didn't want kids to Google it and get the wrong thing. And then all of a sudden, the kids are watching. Put the knife in your eye mama what's a knife in the eye scary shit bro i love movies like that because it's like you know it's not just like you can watch how many times can you watch fucking wakanda forever i've watched wakanda forever 11 times and i've never seen wakanda forever? I've watched Wakanda forever 11 times and I've never seen Wakanda forever. It's all the same shit is my point. All right, let's

do a few. I know it's a few, but we do a few. What do you call it? Misconnections. We got we got the thing here, nice, look at that, oh wow, we also got fucking, chat GPT jokes, right here, let's do those, chat GPT, crystalia jokes,

this is chat GPT, you put in crystalia, and something, I think it's dinner parties here, was the first one, and, and I'm going to do the bit, as I would do the bit, but I did not write this chat GP did this. I have not read these yet, but I'm going to do them. All right. As in me, Allah me, I'm really going to do them as I do

them. Like I'm not going to half-ass it dinner part. So dinner parties, dinner parties are like,'re like a game of russian roulette with food right you never let me start over dinner parties are like you know what dinner parties are like a game of russian roulette with food you never know what you're gonna get some nights it's a five-star meal other nights it's a bowl of cereal and then there's always that one person who brings store-bought pasta salad like come on man we all know that's not homemade dude that's amazing wow that's so bad and and i did it right dude that's exactly how i would do it all right i, I'll do another one. This is Jeopardy. Meet Chris's style of things on Jeopardy. Okay. Or Ken Jennings, maybe it was, because I don't know

what it was. Ken Jennings? Whatever. Ken Jennings on Jeopardy? That guy's like a human encyclopedia, man. I mean, I Google things and I still, I can't keep up. It's like playing a game of Trivial Pursuit with a history professor. And the worst part is he's got that poker face. You never know if he knows the answer or if he's just bluffing. Wow. So fucking not funny. All right.

Now, Crystalia, chat GPT. They put in Crystalia and iPhones. One Fire did this, here we go, iPhones, man, they're like the new ex-girlfriends, they always want more attention, more updates, and more money, and every time you think you've got them figured out, they go and release a new model, it's like, hey, remember that thing you had, yeah, it's outdated now, but don't worry, you can buy the new one for just a few hundred bucks more wow that actually is impressive chat gpt can understand what a joke is and that is a

horrible joke but also how did they do that here's one on apple chris delia and chat gpt apple same thing like an iphone's manufacturer here we go apple Apple, man. They're like the cool kids in high school. They've got the latest gadgets, the slickest design, and they've always seemed to be one step ahead. But look, let's be real. They're just overpriced computers with a fruit

logo. And don't even get me started on their marketing. It's like they're trying to make a computer seem like a lifestyle choice. Hey, buy a computer and you too can sit in a sterile white room and look cool. Dude, how do they know how I would do that? That's bad, a bad version of me, but also how do they know I would do that? Also, that's probably better than 30% of this podcast, but all good. Wow. We got to do that every time. That's unbelievable that they did that. How did they do that? Chat GPT is amazing.

We're done. We're fucked. Let's do a few things. I got to do another show here. Misconnections. Here we go. The man who is on top of his job, Marina Del Rey. I'm looking for that guy who is mature, has been in the business for a long time, on top dot dot dot of his job there's a little nugget spot in that tunnel that needs to be tested and prodded and they need him to know exactly where it is

and how it works you have to go slower else it won't work are you him dude you know why is that i mean we know what he's talking about anal right but why is why is he acting like they're looking for a nugget of shit? That's disgusting. Hey, guy. He's looking for excrement. Like, just be like, hey, guy, come do plumbing on me. Why so specific?

Why so specific? This is like R&B, how it gets so specific. I'm looking for a guy who's mature. He has the business for a long time. Head on top. Boink. Boink.

Boink. Of his job. There's a little nugget in a tunnel that needs to be tested. And probably didn't know exactly where it is. You have to go slow. Boink. Boink. or else it won't work are you him dude the little water drops in it you know well that's it for youtube if you want to catch the rest of the episode the uncut the unedited the ad free episode of congratulations all you got to do is go to patreon.com slash chrystalia and you can get that and all the other episodes.

What we do is we have one episode extra a month that you cannot get on YouTube. You got to be on the Patreon. That's just six bucks. Go do it right now, and you get all the Backlog episodes. We have so many right now. You could go binge them,

you know, like it's the show 24. And, you know, that's it. Thanks, guys.