Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 301. Philadelphia 2: Beyond The Grave

Episode Date: February 23, 2023

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runk hey yo what's up another episode of congratulations you know uh uh before we even do the intro thing that we always do which is just great it's great to do the intro thing we love the intro we love the song made by mr green and we love all that i just wanted to thank you for being here man very grateful we love we love having you if you're part of this cult because this isn't a podcast it's a cult, and you know that, and we love that. And we are going to be, you know, building

a log cabin at some point and sharing ideas in the tall grass. So I just appreciate you. You know, if you're part of this channel, like and subscribe, it's great. And if not, dude, if you're just a casual listener, and you're not part of the cult, that's all good too, my baby. But this is another episode of congratulations.

Did I drink too much coffee today? Yes, I did. I did. Okay. Full, full, full bonkers just got it going on just drank a bunch of coffee am i coming down yes that's how i feel like it's happening i'm coming down it's like uh it's like that fast relief release coffee uh and i'm just like you know what i mean i feel the come done and i'm just chilling because caffeine was not a whole part of my thing in december and really january and i'm like you know i'm taking taking a little bit of baby sips now. I'm getting back involved with the caffeine. And we're playing with it. You know, we're dancing. We're letting the caffeine.

We're taking a sip. We're letting the caffeine dance in my mouth. Right? And we're seeing, you know, this is my second or third. I don't remember, honestly. But it's dancing around my mouth. Having a good time on my tongue. second or third, I don't remember honestly. But it's dancing around my mouth, having a good time on my tongue.

And that's absolutely disgusting if you think about it. If I said that in front of my wife, she would go, ew. But she's not here in this room. She could definitely hear me outside probably. And she'd probably go in like this, ew. But whatever, it doesn't matter. I'm happy you're here and this is yet another episode. Dude, we just keep on having episodes, huh?

That's it? It's not like a TV show that ends eventually? I guess I'm just going to keep doing this podcast forever? Or what is it, dude? You know? I don't know. I guess I like doing it. I like doing it.

You know, it's fun. It's a fun thing to do. I do too many podcasts, of course, because I'm also on Golden Arrow. I'm also on Lifeline, and I'm on this one, too. And it's just too many. But I just like doing it, you know? and, uh, I love doing standup too. I'll be in New York. Uh, well, actually this will probably come out after that. I'll be in Kansas city. I'll be in Tulsa, Springfield. I will be in Minneapolis and I

will be in Austin, Texas, Minneapolis, crystalia.com. Go to get tickets. Don't push me. Uh, and I'm going to be in Midland, wherever wherever the fuck that is don't know where Midland is but it's in the middle of the land of Texas apparently probably uh it's in Texas and it's called Midland so that's it um yeah man it's been a great week uh you know I guess it's been a great week and you know there's always ups and downs and we're just uh we do what we do we do, my baby. Let me add it up. And, uh, my son just got done with his nap. You know, what's really beautiful is my son, uh, got, um, uh, he has robot. It's his birthday coming up.

So he got robot tattoo. He wants to do a robot theme party. And, you know, Kristen is crafty and she's doing all the things like she made a cutout she made a whole time machine and like a rocket ship and like she's in she's an insane person in a beautiful way she just gets like she she does a lot of stop motion animation you know she used to do a lot of it and now she just kind of like does everything for Calvin and it's beautiful and it's beautiful and she's just like got this machine that prints out robot images and just cutting them out with an exacto blade and all that and just it's crazy

and uh he's got tattoos of robots on his where do you want to put it he wanted to put it here and here because he wanted to be like dada and that was just beautiful beautiful. And I love being a dad, and it was beautiful. And another thing that he did was beautiful, that now he does this thing where he wants to lay in bed. He says, will you lay with me for a little bit? Whether it's me or Kristen or both of us, will you lay with me in bed for a little bit? Either we both do or she does or I do, whoever's putting him down.

And we say, yeah, and now it's becoming like a thing. We lay with me for a little bit. So I laid with him for a little bit. I was putting him to bed because Kristen was already in bed. She goes to bed a little bit earlier now because she's eight months pregnant. But I put him in bed. You know, Calvin's like, he's on comic time, dude. He stays late.

He stays awake late, whatever. So lay in bed for a little bit. So I laid in bed for a little bit. And then I left. I gave him a kiss. I said, good night, buddy. And I walked away. And as I was walking out the door, he said, daddy. I said, whatever. So could lay in bed for a little bit. So I laid in bed for a little bit and then I left. I gave him a kiss. I said, good night, buddy. And I walked away. And as I was walking out the door, he said, daddy.

I said, yeah. He said, I have a little problem. I said, what? What's that, buddy? And he says, I need a kiss. And I go, you got it, dude. And I went over and I said, where? And he said, on my cheek.

And I kissed him on the cheek. And I went and I, you know, and I just, and I went over and I said, where? And he said, on my cheek. And I kissed him on the cheek. And I went to bed. Dude, the whole thing is just like they say, what's the meaning of life? And I go like this. Raising your kids. But then I know it's like some people have kids and they don't want anything to do with it. And that's really what makes me sad. But that's not what this podcast is about.

We don't talk about sad things. We talk about't talk about sad things we talk about happy things um yeah we talk about happy things what's with everything getting shot down out of the sky what's going on there huh what is it about i know it's part of it is the media it just i have trouble believing. And look, I do believe Joe Biden is a lizard and goes into the ocean and sheds his skin. But what is the deal? Because, look, I told you. You know what letter of the alphabet I support. And, you know, I'm not saying it because I don't want to get demonetized and flagged. But you know what letter it is.

It's a circle with a line through it. That's me, dude. that's me dude um what's the deal with all of a sudden now everything's getting shot down out of the sky remember the chinese balloon that got shot up they let first of all they left it up in the air above where was it above it was above can't even remember somewhere in america they left it this is how much has happened things have gotten shot out of the sky since then. I don't remember where the first one was, the first one that they reported on. They left it up in the sky above America for like weeks. So I'm like, well, okay. But then all of a sudden they shot it down because people were like what's the deal with this balloon we don't know what's going on where's it from and then somebody was like it's a chinese

thing we don't really know and then they're like okay we'll shoot it down and then b it down weeks later. So it's like, shoot it down way earlier. If you're going to shoot it down, shoot it down immediately. Know what we can't have balloons from China be doing? Gathering intel. So if you decide you're going to shoot it down, shoot it down immediately before it can gather intel whoops it's got the intel spin up for day also things like technology can gather intel

immediately so shoot it down very quickly I'm talking about get it going. Once you see a balloon, shoot it. As a matter of fact, we're living in a world where if you see a birthday balloon, shoot it down. Because it's just like we can't be having Intel be gathering. Our Intel is for us. After a Chinese spy balloon was shot down February 4th, at least three unidentified objects have been shot down over North America.

Okay, so this is what this means. Many things have been hovering above America for a long time, and now it's a thing. So here's what I got to say. I guess it doesn't matter. They already got the intel. Shoot down whatever you want.

Doesn't matter at this point. The U.S. military shot down at least three unidentified flying objects over the weekend after a chinese spy balloon that had invaded american air anything that invades american airspace shoot it down right there's no people in it cap it there's no people in it cap it there's no people in it let my gat talk to it what up homie at this point it's unclear what the objects were their purpose or who sent them if it's unclear what the objects are they they're bad, right? Nobody looks at a pizza box being delivered and goes, huh? Because you know, there's a pizza in the box.

If you see that smiley Amazon thing, you're fine. It's some towels or like some bulk nail polish. fine it's some towels or like some bulk nail polish if you see a box with a bunch of chinese writing in it fucking being delivered in rochester new york your interest is peaked you go hey the hell is that what is clear is that the united states and canada have become hyper vigilant since the balloon incursion. Yeah, okay. So February 4th, a Chinese spy balloon is shot down over the Atlantic Ocean. Okay. Should have done it sooner. Whatever.

An F-22 fighter jet fired a sidewinder air-to-air missile to the balloon. Okay. It was 60,000, 65,000 feet, which is double the height of an actual commercial airline. Why do I know that? Because I'm smart. Because I fly a lot and I know that 30, 30 000 feet is the that's where the air is thin and you can kind of whatever so if it's 60 000 feet the chinese people be going way up there um okay so that's fine february 10th days after the Chinese a UFO a UFO is shot down off Alaska on Friday a U.S. fighter jet brought down an unidentified object over the waters of Alaska the object broke into pieces after being

shot down it was most likely not a balloon okay well then what the what what was it a drone why is it stationary okay so it's a balloon gathering end now. A Defense Department official said, a White House official said the object was the size of a small car. That's too big. All right, so whatever. It was headed toward the North Pole before it. Maybe Santa was doing some surveillance.

Oh, no. That's what he did when it got shot down. So then the next day, dude, a UFO is shot down over Canada. Another F-22 fighter downed another object on Saturday over the Yukon territory, which is Alaska. Right? Yeah. I know that because I'm smart. Okay. So then there we go.

So then, unclear what the object was, but Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of Canada said it violated Canadian airspace. Okay. Then the next day, a UFO was shot down. Why do I keep saying UFO? A UFO was shot down over Lake Huron, which is

in Michigan area, whatever, Montana. Oh. First appeared over Montana, Huron, which is in Michigan area, whatever, Montana. Oh. First appeared over Montana, and then it wound up in Michigan. Hey, dude, don't let these weather balloons or these intel gathering balloons be traveling. They're getting all sorts of intel. You want to get an intel over Lake Huron, not a big deal. What are you going to get? Some waves.

Maybe you're going to get some people from Detroit on vacation. Okay. But you let it be traveling? So February 13th, they say the objects were not sending signals, but did pose a threat. Okay. What's the threat? Look, the first part part i don't care if it's not sending signals or sending signals it doesn't matter as long as it poses a threat hey if it's posing this threat

it doesn't matter let me say clearly. If it's posing a threat, it doesn't matter if it's sending signals or not. Get it. Right. So then the guy, the White House is saying, hey, guys, one thing's for sure. And we just want to let you know it's not aliens so okay they keep going on and being like so it's not aliens all right so number one that quells my fear on it not being extraterrestrial. But then also, you know what's definitely evil?

Humans gathering intel that aren't American on our soil. But also what it means more than that is it's aliens. It's aliens. Because that's what you say when it's aliens. I don't want everyone getting, you know what it is. It's not aliens. Now you're this tall because they shrink you. The aliens shrink you. shrunk you. I just like, what's the, if you're not just all of a sudden shooting down four balloons in 10 days and it hasn't been happening, right? So what's the deal? But here's the thing. The media is not going to tell us, but here's the thing. Nobody's going to tell us. So here's the

thing. You can't even do your own research because we don't know. So the media, Reddit, nobody knows. So I guess the government is just going to be doing what it does. And also, I mean the Chinese government. And also, I mean the American government. So it's just going to be doing what it's doing. And we're just going to be sitting. So, you know, the people were like, I got to get to the bottom of this. We need to do our own research.

We're fucked anyway, dude. This all goes back to the thing where it's like you can the bottom of this. We need to do our own research. We're fucked anyway, dude. This all goes back to the thing where it's like, you can't take our guns. We need our guns because what if the government overthrows and the thing and that and this and that? Oh, what are you going to stop with your measly little AK? What are you going to stop with your gun? Have your gun. I am not against guns. Right to bear arms. Okay, cool.

Sounds good. I don't give a fuck. But here's the deal, though. Somebody wants to come get you. They can mow your house over with a tank. So, great. So great. But all good. I don't know, man.. But all good.

I don't know, man. We're all fucked. I guess I start thinking about things like how it's like, you know, when you think of stuff like chat GBT, you know, and the technology, it's just exponential. And technology is just, I know it's been a while. It's just getting started, dude. Exponential, exponential.

We're going to double it. We're going to double it. We're going to keep doubling it until they kill me. Almost broke up my mouth. But that's fine. But let me look up in the YouTube. See, that's me in this podcast. I let you guys understand the real me.

I double it and I double it and I almost broke up my mouth. Let me see if I can pull up this Tupac quote. Double it until they kill me Tupac um of course music's come up interview is it this is it we love a Tupac interview well play well absolutely play please well play please oh this whole thing is like

30 minutes long great yeah dude Tupac dressed so good I need to dress like that. I'm not even fucking around. Dude, to wear a, what do you call it? A leather vest and a beanie and nothing under the leather vest is just the absolute illest outfit. And I got to start doing it, dude.

This is a test. Remember when they did that? I got to start doing it. I I gotta start doing it, dude. This is a test. Remember when they did that? I gotta start doing it. And I will, frankly. I got beanies already. I got beanies. I bought them already. I bought some Carhartt beanies.

Here, I'm putting this video on this thing so you can have it, Tupac. It's right there. I got beanies from Carhartt That's it, dude, that's fine I got them, I got a bunch of different colors You know how I do it, when I get one thing I get all the different colors And I'm going to wear them

And that's how I'm going to be and I don't want any kickback, dude Because every time I wear something Someone's like, dude, a year ago If you saw somebody with that I swear to God I could put on a t-shirt With a cat on it You know, a year ago you would have said If you wore a t-shirt with a cat on it you know a year ago you would have said if you wore a t-shirt with the cat on it you would have flamed them

if you're not growing you're dying that's what i say baby um but yeah dude stop shooting stuff down off the sky is what i'm saying but what was i saying about doubling it until they keep doubling it until they kill me. I don't remember. Hey guys, let's take a break from the show. I want to talk to you about ShipStation. Listen, it's great. First of all, it's great. That's me, Chris D'Elia saying it. In a landscape where free and fast shipping is the norm, it can be hard for smaller e-commerce businesses to compete. Keep yourself competitive with ShipStation. When you use ShipStation, you can lower shipping costs, make returns easy, and keep your customers happy. And that's the name of the game.

With all the time you save from automating your shipping tasks, you can keep your business growing all year long. Running merch, for me, it can be stressful. Obviously, it's a whole big deal. Having ShipStation in our corner makes several aspects of that a whole lot easier. I love ShipStation. It just makes it easy to grow your business by handing, they handle your orders from every platform in one place. ShipStation effortlessly integrates everywhere you sell online, including Amazon, Etsy, eBay, Shopify, and all of those. More than that, with enterprise solutions that make warehouse optimization easy. ShipStation scales when you do. With the best discounts in the industry,

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But I wanted to talk about the – you know what's crazy is this – what do you call it? The Flash movie. Splitting everybody. Dude, Flash comes up. DC. All this stuff happened with Ezra Miller. Right? Alleged.

I have no idea. But they arrested him for kidnapping and grooming and abuse and burglary and like everything. Shitting in someone's front yard, like just crazy. Like jaywalking, like they got him for everything. And DC goes like this because they just shot the flash and DC goes like this. Well, let's see. Let's play it out. They wait a few months.

They do reshoots with him. So they're like, well, the Dublin done okay. And people are like, they're really reshooting? Drop the trailer in the Super Bowl. Now people are like, hell yeah, can't wait. You know, all the people in like the foreign places are like, hell yeah, can't wait for this movie. And then there's the woke people in America that are like, hell yeah, can't wait. All the people in the foreign places are like, hell yeah, can't wait for this movie. And then there's the woke people in America that are like,

what? I will not support the, you know. And it's like, okay. But then I go like, whoa, dude. They're just going to put this out there. And that's hundreds of other people worked on this movie. Let the movie come out. You know how I feel, obviously, about it.

Because also, i got cut out of some shit and it was a zack snyder thing and zack snyder runs dc and he's they're just letting this ezra miller thing come out dude was arrested and i'm just like oh really it's about money dude oh it's about money though so anytime you know i hear i see you know this was years ago zach snyder in an interview oh yeah well for the humanity the right thing to do is recast the thing oh what's up with humanity now though dude and i don't know what's true or what's not true with this guy, Ezra, but it's like, oh, so you don't actually care. It's all about the, so it's like, huh.

So it's not about, it's not really about humanity. It's about, oh, huh. Okay. All good. Just so's we know, right? Just so's we know. It's like, you know, capitalism always wins, dude. You don't have to, like, dude, you don't have to come out.

It's so crazy when people, because some people get cut out of movies. Some people don't. It depends. People got recast. Somebody got recast in something recently because there's something – somebody come out and say something about it. I can't remember what the fuck it was. But it was like that – the whole thing with cancel culture, it's like people only get mad when they think that they can do something and they can change it. If they don't, then they won't, or they might, but it's on deaf ears and whatever. That's all I'll say about that. But it's just fucking crazy, dude. People are like,

yeah, dude, people are just like so mad at Ezra, which I don't know. It's, I don't know if it's true or not. I have no fucking idea, but then it's like the flash though and then oh but then michael keaton's still batman okay well fuck it dude because you know what i mean and this is why because because dc but also warner brothers but you know what i mean but like yeah and we know it was there was a bunch of accusations and he kidnapped someone but but uh you know what i mean so go fuck yourself all he is yes and no all he is i don't fucking care anymore so it's like i want to do you know what these fucking, I swear to God, the chat GPT things is taking it over, bro. I think technology has just started.

We're not going to need actors. We're not going to need, we're not going to need actors. We're not going to need actors. I guess if you use someone's like this, like you, Tom Hanks will, by the time Tom Hanks dies, we won't need him anymore. You understand? He's not, he's not going to die in the next, you know, 10 years. But like by the time he dies, we won't need him anymore. You understand? He's not going to die in the next 10 years, but by the time he dies, we won't need him anymore.

We can still have Tom Hanks in movies, and Tom Hanks will still be in movies because they will just still make Tom Hanks in a movie with AI and chat GPT and all this shit, and you could do like fucking Philadelphia 2 or like Philadelphia Beyond the Grave, whatever the fuck you want to call it. But it's like you can do, what do you call it? Bridge of Spies Part 2.

Was he in that? Was he in that? Paul Rudd's in that too? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Actors are done. Novelists, done. Chat GPT is already killing it. You see log

lines that are rights? Go put a ChatGPT and say, uh, write me a Tom Cruise log line for the new Mission Impossible movie. Boom. That's it. Guess what it'll be? At least just as good as a log line to another Mission Impossible movie

that already exists. So we're fucked, dude. Job wise. People who, graphic designers? Drivers of cars? Fucking captains of boats and shit?

Doctors? We're fucking 12 years away of somebody releasing a bunch of fucking work ants inside a chest and not only just, they don't fuck replacing a heart, rebuilding a bad one. Doctor? See, oh, but we need the doctor to inject the, yeah, for a little bit until we make the thing smart enough to just be the room where the whole robot is the room and then the injection and then it pumps the

little army ants into the thing you don't need this shit you don't need a doctor, done the only profession that will be necessary is stand-up comedian and why because humor is very intricate and subtle and yeah you could make a robot that does jokes i get it the chat gpd that that we do sometimes on this podcast it's like okay

um when i talk about it in my way it does sound kind of stupid and i do think about like well what the fuck that is basically what i said in this podcast but you need that shit dude you need me we'll see we'll see by the time we'll see though dude i can't wait till the first stand-up comedian chat gpt ai guy comes out i can't wait to see it I can't wait to see how bad it is you know it'll be it'll be better than a Ben Stiller movie a hundred percent but I don't mean to fucking you know smash on Ben Stiller I do hear he's a dickhead but I don't mean to smash on him but I'm just saying let's do a chat GPT joke right now this is a Tom Cruise one you just did it Tom Cruise and what just Tom Cruise you just put Tom Cruise one. You just did it. Tom Cruise and what? Just Tom Cruise. You just put Tom Cruise in it. As a joke.

Is this a joke thing for me? Write a joke about Tom Cruise. Oh, so Ivan gets rid of Rodin. Write a joke about Tom Cruise in the style of Crystalia. That's what he wrote. And here it is. You know, it's crazy. Now, I did not write this.

Chat GPT wrote this. Now, this is what I'm going to do. Read it. And I'm going to try it. I have not read this yet. I'm going to try to do it as much like me as I possibly can first read. You know what's crazy? Tom Cruise runs in every movie he's in.

Like, what is the deal with that? It's like, yeah, he can't just walk or take a taxi, but now he's got to run everywhere. He's like the Forrest Gump of action movies. I mean, have you seen the Mission Impossible movies? That guy is sprinting all over the place. It's like, calm down, Tom. This is not a marathon.

But you know what? Maybe it is a marathon. Maybe it is the Tom Cruise never-ending running challenge. And the prize? Being in more movies, I guess. I don't know, man. energy dude what that i don't need to you know what actually scratch that i don't need to do this podcast anymore that i i am actually going to do a whole podcast of just chat gT. And it's going to be an hour of that. Not now, but in the future, this is unbelievable. You know what this chat GPT is doing for me, making me realize stuff about Tom

Cruz and mission impossible. You know, I, the only thing I would rewrite is Tom Cruz, never ending running challenge and the prize running in more movies would be funnier than being in more movies. This is crazy. It's like a hamster wheel of the fucking wow now i'm just being chat gpt basically how the fuck do they know what i would do this is insane this is about artificial intelligence jokes about what i am my style of crystalia all right i haven't get rid of just an artificial intelligence my style crystal style of joking. Here we go. Chat GPT. I did not write this. Artificial intelligence, huh? What a scam. It's like every time I hear about it, I'm like, where's the real intelligence?

I mean, we've got robots that can play chess and answer trivia questions, but they still can't fold laundry or make a sandwich. It's like, come on, AI, step up your game. But you know what? Maybe we're asking too much. Maybe AI is just like us trying to figure out life and find its purpose. Maybe one day robots will run the world and be like, remember when we thought we were just playing chess? Oh, man, how silly we were. But until then, I'll just stick to using it to play video games and have conversation with random strangers online. That's the AI revolution. Okay. So what, that was what it was. So this is

terrifying because also not only is it getting me nail on the head, this is crystal style humor. getting me nail on the head this is crystal style humor it's also secretly telling us what it's doing ai threw me in my mind fuck this is fucked how does it know i guess it just took my stand up into a database and or in my podcast and now this is what it's saying it's secretly telling us what it's going to do ai it's secretly telling us where's the real intelligence it can't make a fan that is true though that is true actually why do the robots not make sandwiches for us yet why isn't it folding we have to get like a fucking a nanny why do we have to get a cleaning lady to fold our laundry. Because they know, the AI knows, if there were robots doing stuff in our houses yet,

because there could be, right? But if there were, if the AI made this shit, then what they could do, that seems threatening. Here's another one about UFOs. Humor and style, Chris Lea. All right, here we go. UFOs, man. What's, Chris Lea. All right, here we go. UFOs, man. What's the deal with...

By the way, I want credit with how good I am on these first reads. Okay? UFOs, man. What is the deal with... Why does it say, what's the deal? This is like a fucking Seinfeld thing. Like, this is just... The what?

Do I do it? Yeah, I do. I say that. I'm a hack. All right. UFOs, man. what's the deal with those things it's like every time i hear about a sighting i'm like really aliens i mean i want to believe i really do but it's so hard with all the fake videos and the photos out there it's like who do we believe the government the conspiracy theorists the people who claim they've been abducted it's like who do we trust? But you know what?

Maybe that's the point. Maybe the aliens are just messing with us, playing a cosmic game of cat and mouse, and maybe one day they'll land their ships on the White House lawn and be like, surprise, we've been watching this all time, and we'll be like, oh my God. And then they'll probably try to enslave us or something but hey at least we'll finally have proof of extraterrestrial life so you know there's that i added you know but i was that i okay let's this is making me feel bad about my comedy honestly and i know i said that already before that, but this is unbelievable that...

Wait. You know what we should do is do a Bill Burr one. Do it in the style of Bill Burr. And I'll do it like Bill Burr. Chat GPT. I don't know. Pick something. What? Tom Cruise for Bill Burr. Okay, cool. Sounds good. This is Tom Cruise with the humor of Bill Burr.

And then put it on here, and then we'll see what's going on here. Oh, man. This is absolutely insane to me that ChatGPT can do this. How about the thing that – what was the thing called? The Seinfeld thing that they made the loop, and then it got canceled? What was it called? Nothing Forever. You heard about this Nothing Forever thing on Twitch? It was basically abt thing and then all of a sudden it made a trans joke and then it got canceled a robot got canceled ai got canceled it didn't even know what it was doing it's not even ai yet really it's just like an algorithm talking about and then they go oh we got to cancel a robot has been canceled you understand here we? Here we go.

Here we go. This is Bill Burr. Tom Cruise in the chat GPT in the humor style of Bill Burr. Here we go. Tom Cruise. What's up with this guy? I mean, he's got more energy than a five-year-old on the sugar high. It's like, does he ever stop?

Does he ever take a break? Does he ever sit down and watch a movie or read a book or something? No. He's always running and jumping and fighting. It's like, my he ever stop? Does he ever take a break? Does he ever sit down and watch a movie or read a book or something? No. He's always running and jumping and fighting. It's like, come on, man, slow down. You're making the rest of us look bad. But you know what? Maybe that's the secret to his success.

Maybe he's got some kind of superhero ability. Maybe he's got some kind of alien blood or something. I don't know, man. All I know is I can't keep up with this guy. He's like a human energizer bunny. He just keeps going and going and going. Wow. Imagine if that's what he did on Paper Tiger.

People would just be like, maybe that means he's a good comedian because his isn't funny and mine is. Because basically what I do is fucking AI shit. They are. They're very similar. There's no difference. If I just did that in my voice it would be wow this is unbelievable okay well look we're all fucked i don't know what to do anymore um

is what it is is what it is you, I just think it's crazy that, uh, you know, what's everything's kind of becoming the same. Like I look at this, uh, Superbowl, I know I talked about it already, the Superbowl, but like, when I look at Superbowl and the people who were there, like the, the, the celebs at the game. It's like such a celebrity thing. It makes me not want to go, you know, there's, you know, there's that whole thing where like, look, social media is absolutely awful for us. We know that.

And I wouldn't be on it if I wasn't a comedian, but, um, it's like the, the, you compare yourself to these people online that obviously it's not even how they live life. Like, you know, you go to somebody's Instagram, Kyle Kardashian, Kylie, what's her name? Kyrie Irving Kardashian. And you see all the moments where her, of her big butt and like with Tyga, or wherever she's dating, what the fuck's that guy's name, Travis Scott, and Kyrie Irving Kardashian is dating

Tyga Scott, and so basically, you see her in a limo, you see her, wait, you know what I was thinking, who the fuck gets limos anymore, there's no limos anymore right i was talking about this with one of my buddies they're just done you just get uber escalades if you want to be balling right i gotta bring the limo back dude didn't that long stretchy thing right the only i was talking about this let's talk about this was i talking about this on golden hour i don't know the only person who gets limos is if you arrive in Vegas and they want to treat you nice. Right? What dork rolls up in a limo now?

It's way cooler to arrive in, for real, a Hyundai Elantra and an Uber guy is driving. And I don't sit in the front seat. I sit in the back. I don't care. I don't care. My buddy Brent Morin's got that joke where it looks like two friends and one, and they got in a fight, but I don't, I go in the back, dude, I'm not sitting in the front of your Uber. And here's why, because I don't want to have this moment.

I don't, you can't see me. I'm in the back. I'm in the back. You can't see me. I only want you, if I'm in your car and I've never met you, I only want you to be able to see me if you're using a mirror. That's it. Oh, yeah? That's the combo. Okay. Well, that's cool.

That's it. So, uh, social media is toxic. I couldn't think of the word social media. Great. You can go below that. Um, social media is toxic. Couldn't think of the word social media. Great. Need to go. Bingo. Bolova. Um,

social media is toxic. You know, you look at, just take me. People think I'm a raging asshole because of the stuff I talk about on my podcast. I'm activated. I'm online.

I'm on the, I'm, you know, I post a reel of me bitching about the food in my rehab or, you know, talking a bullshit about Rihanna, whatever it is, you know, making a joke, being silly, but you know, I get it. I'm biting and shit. And people just think I'm an asshole. This is a 60 second clip online that I'm posting or, you know, however long it is. clip online that I'm posting or, you know, however long it is. And people go, fuck this guy. They don't know that after that, after I do my podcast, I go, I cuddle with my child. I kiss my wife.

We watch something really nice on TV, like a bug's life. We watched it the other day, by the way, bugs life does not hold up. Okay. They don't even know they would, this was Pixar. It was 1998. It came out. They didn't even know they would, this was Pixar. It was 1998. It came out. They didn't even know that they had to make the characters look different. They all look the same. It's really, really, it's depressing. My son was having a blast watching it and I couldn't turn it off, even though it was kind of depressing. It doesn't hold up, but my son was just like loving it anyway. I digress. But what I'm saying is you don't get to see those tender moments. You don't get to see the real person moments. You just see what I put on Instagram or whatever it is. Tick tock me yelling about a

fucking dry cleaning service or whatever happened. And I seem activated. And so you think that guy's a dickhead or you think that guy's got it made because I take a picture in my fucking car with the bloody guts. Oops. And yeah, I stack Gaper. But do you know what's going on in my mental? But that's fine. I don't mean to make this about me. But my point is, what the fuck did Rihanna do after that halftime show? She looks like she's got it, man.

She killed it. She's fucking four and a half, five months pregnant, whatever it is. She killed it. What'd she do afterwards? She probably went into the bathroom and fucking threw up because, five months pregnant, whatever it is. She killed it. What'd she do afterwards? She probably went into the bathroom and fucking threw up because she's too pregnant or whatever it is, dude. People go through what they go through. My point is, Kairi Kardashian and Tyga Scott, they got their shit going on. And it's toxic because you have a representation of who they are.

And then not only that, you see the good moments of their lives. And then you think your life sucks because you don't have those good moments of those life. In the meantime, you're posting your cool pictures in wherever the hell you are with nice filters and looking cool. You got your new Fendi bag and you're showing it off at the Grand Canyon, but you're crying over a breakup and you're not doing it there in the picture. So my point is, yeah, it's very toxic. I don't even know what fucking point I was trying to

make there, but oh, you see these celebs at the Super Bowl. And they're having a good time. You look at Diplo. You look at, you know, whoever. I got a whole thing here of the people. All the celebs at the, you know, Jay-Z's there. You know, you had Gordon Ramsay on the field being a dick to people or whatever it is.

You got Questlove with Adam Blackstone. I don't know who it is. Cara Delevingne, Cara Delevingne with the Rihanna shirt. Cool. Jordan Sparks, which, yeah, you know. Look at these different people. Bradley Cooper, you know. I don't know.

Everyone, it's like, and then you look and you're like, and I know you secretly think like, oh, fuck to be there i get it and you know me i don't want to be there anyway because it's got a bunch of anytime a bunch of people are somewhere i kind of don't want to be there unless they're all staring at me and it's my show see you testicle but all good but the point is um oh tracy morgan look at that and with the booth in the front of the thing he's rich as fuck huh because he got hit by a thing walmart truck but how rich do you have to be for real to just be on the field and not be like gordon ramsay just straight up they go they go how much for tickets and they go they say oh it's like uh you know, $70,000 for a bad seat.

And he's like, what about if I'm going to be on a field? And they're like, it's actually priceless. And he says, I'll have that much. Elon Musk on the field, right? Here he is on a field. The people on the field, just priceless. I have that much. Who are some of these people?

Actor Paul Walter Hauser, who's that? I'm scrolling pretty far, so. Oh, Twitter founder. So, Oh, Twitter founder. Wow. Yeah. Well, you got some money,

huh? Jay-Z. Okay. Baby face. Oh, Tiffany. I just love her, dude.

Um, so it's like, I don't, I don't want to be there. You catch me at a star studded event. Just know if you see a picture of me there, and I'm, I'm, I try to be a positive person, I'm hating it. I'll smile.

Catch me behind my face, though, dude. I'm hating it, dude. I do not want to do it. I don't want to be there. And the whole goal is to get there and be a part of the show. But it's not fun, dude. Man, it's really not fun. You get caught up in it in Hollywood.

You get caught up in it. Like, I was like, yeah, I want to do movies and I want to do another movie. And then this movie will help me do another thing and get big. I don't want to, I don't want to get bigger, I just want to have my fans, I want to rock with you motherfuckers, I want to talk on this podcast, I want to be with my family, that's it, dude, do I want to go to the soft opening of something, nah, yeah, but nah, you know who's going to be there? Who? This new up-and-coming rapper and a guy who cooks food on TV. Nah.

I'm good. Yeah, but it might help you. I don't, that's okay. GQ's going to be there and so is, it doesn't matter. Is Calvin going to be there? No, I'm good. My wife, she going to be there?

She don't want to go? I'm good. She could go to bed at 9. p.m because she's pregnant and i'll just watch bad movie i'll just watch you know what i'll watch i'll watch the last 10 movies bruce willis made that's what i'll watch the movies that they forced him to be in he didn't even know where he was that's the movies i'll watch gasoline alley or something it's called right it'll be him and the guy from fucking, what's that movie? Final Destination. That's what it's called, Gasoline Alley.

You think I'm wrong? I'm not. Bruce Willis and the guy from Final Destination in a movie called Gasoline Alley. That's the movie I'll watch when my wife goes to bed early rather than hang out with fucking Babyface and Dr. Drew, who, by the way, I love Dr. Drew, and I'm sure Babyface is a nice guy. Time to change your name, though, huh? Like, I mean, I'm in, dude. I mean, I'm in a home. like, I'm in, I'm in, dude, I'm in, I'm in home, because I was, one time, I was out in an event, at an event, I can't remember what the hell it was,

but it was like, you should go, and I was like, all right, I'll go, and then, you know, I used to follow this, she's a good actress, I think she's good, man, Nikki Whalen, I think she's a fucking good actress. And I was like, oh, she's fucking cool. And you know, this is years ago. She would say, oh, you're so funny. I'm like, oh yeah, that's fucking cool. Whatever. She had a boyfriend, you know, I tried to hang out with her like fucking nine years ago. And then, uh, and then she was like, uh, she always would write like ha ha or something. I was like, oh, she's not interested or whatever. It was all good. And then, uh, I saw her at an something. I was like, oh, she's not interested or whatever. It was all good. And then I saw her at an event and I was like,

ah, fucking, hey, what's up? How you doing? And I go to like, give her a hug and she goes,

okay. And she was so weird about it and I was like, ah, fuck. All right. Okay. We're not people.

I'm done then. I'm done then. I'm out. I'm out. I'm not coming to these fucking GQ parties and shit you gotta stand next to a fucking sweaty guy that was like that's in fucking what's that show modern family and uh and Josh Peck and by the way I love Josh Peck but it's like what am I doing here I went to one and I was with Aaron Paul all night and then I got pink eye the next day.

I'm texting Aaron Paul. Do you have pink eye? No. Like, what is Hollywood? It's so weird. It's such a rat race. Once you get unhooked from the Matrix, once you get unhooked and you realize, oh, I'm just a guy who fucking speaks to my fans. I'm by the way, I love you motherfuckers. And I don't even like

the word fans. I get it. I know you are, but also your people. And this is why I say it's a cult, dude. We got to get in that tall grass and build that motherfucking log cabin and a guy with a podcast that's what's up dude g unit that's what's up can't say the the n-word in the middle but so the come down others coffee is real but i'm just saying it's a rat race it's always about getting the next one right everything in life it's a rat race. It's always about getting the next one, right? Everything in life is always about getting the next one. It's so hard to be so happy and centered and happy with what you already have.

It seems like people with long beards are happier, but it's like, because you just kind of gave up and you're like, this is my beard though. What am I going to do? Do guys with beards get invited? Can I go like this?

You know? Like and subscribe to the channel, by the way. We love it. And leave a comment for the algorithm, you know? I don't know if this is a Patreon episode or not, but if it's not, leave a comment for the algorithm, you know? And share with your friends your friends dude how the fuck are we supposed to grow this i heard that jerry oh wait no not jared leto who's the guy that is it jared no jared leto had a cult and he invited people

to his cult but then there was another guy recently that had a cult that was like, I, uh, what was it? I don't know what it was. I can't remember. Some, some guy had a, uh, was trying to have a cult and, uh, he invited people. No. Who is it? Jared Leto? No, it was somebody else. I don't know. Whatever. What? Yeah. Celebrity. Who cares? I need to have my, I need to have my own, um, Hollywood. That's why I say I need to have my own Hollywood. That's why I say I want to get into Bollywood. Let's take a break for a second here. I got to go to the bathroom. Now let's do some fucking misconnections.

And these are only back because MGK asked me to put them back. So you could thank him for that. Go on his Instagram and say, thanks for Chris D'Elia bringing back Miss Connections. This one's called oozing out. Gross already, but let's see if it gets grosser. My guess is it will. I have pipes that need to be cleaned. Two weeks of buildup are ready to come oozing out. Assistance, please. Not like I need assistance from you.

Like assistance. Like I need a few people to come help. Assist me with that. And I don't know if he meant to write assistance, like I need some assistance. But I like it way better if he's like, please only apply if you're an assistant. If you're up to being an assistant, do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. That's amazing. Great.

Here's another one. Anyone looking for dot, dot, dot. And in the body of the fucking post, it says head with a question mark first of all i love it when the title has more words than the body it's so disrespectful and lazy anyone he didn't write anyone dot dot dot and then the body looking for head he wrote wrote anyone looking for dot, dot, dot. Oh, what's this guy looking for? You check the body head and you go, whoa, actually, yes. Because it was not.

Do not contact me with unsolicited services or officers. That means that you better just be looking for head if that's what you're. That's great, dude. I love how it's not cagey at all. How come some of these people are like, man, need a plumber to come by to see what's going on with my pipes. There might be some kind of thing. Maybe some guys who work on a boat, like some seaman can come. And it's so like, oh, what is he talking about?

But we know what he's talking about but then some guy's just like hey honestly come f***ing the dot dot dot all right bleep that out we're gonna get demonetized but here's another one you look you looked good to me and And this is the poetry. This is a poem, I guess. I don't know. Maybe. It's written in the haiku form, not haiku because it's way longer, but poetry form. This is what it says after that.

You looked good to me, even with your insecurities. Eh? Suh? Written by a Japanese guy that has known English for four years. So look, it's called You Looked Good to Me. And this is the first line. You looked good to me, even with your insecurities. Then another line, you looked good to me.

Then another line, you looked good to me. Oh, the guy is such a fucking first year poet writer. Dude, you look good to me, even with your insecurities. You looked good to me. You looked good to me. Dude, you know what it is? It's like the fucking So I Married an Axe Murder. You look good to me, you know what it is it's like the fucking uh so i married an axe murderer you look good to me even with your insecurities so you look at me that you look good to me you looked good to me you looked good to me

if you'd taken time to see if you'd taken the time to ask you were so busy looking at this is a fucking brian adams, you were so busy looking at them. This is a fucking Brian Adams song. You were so busy. If you'd taken the time to see, if you'd taken the time to ask, you were so busy looking at them. Titties. No, I don't know what he's going to say, but you were so busy looking at them

while I was right there looking at you. Oh, this is a Brian Adams song. This is basically the song from Robin Hood with fucking Kevin Costner. While I was right there looking at you, you looked good to me if you'd taken the time to see. Again, you looked good to me even with your insecurities. I'm sorry I was never good enough for you to see me. So fucking atrocious. This is the worst poem I've ever heard in my life. This is a Brian. What?

What is the fucking? What's the fucking chemical? We got to play a little bit of it. Maybe we can't play it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything I do. Oh, I'll do it for you. When I die, when I...

Dude, when I heard that song as a little kid, I go like this, oh. There will not be a song better than this one. Dude, when I was nine and I heard that song, a nine-year-old hearing Bryan Adams just screaming that fucking shit out on a rock to the ocean, I go, as a nine-year-old, I go like this.

Oh, well, that's actually really sad because I'll never hear another song better than this. In my nine-year-old brain, that's what I thought, dude. And then, honestly, Life is a Highway came along and I go, oh, never mind. And that's the second podcast in a row I have mentioned Life is a Highway. So you're welcome and also know the podcast will do that And we talk about the hard-hitting issues And you know It's like what else do you want from me

So here's another one Pornhub actress needed Santa Barbara Wow living in Santa Barbara And doing porn You must be rolling in it You don't need anything Seems like you'd have all your shit together

Here we go Hello! Looking for a female modeling partner Or S Partner or partners. If this piques your interest, please feel free to respond. Must be clean with recent proof and a face picture. It's a great opportunity and foot in the door to be noticed in the adult industry. Serious inquiries only, please.

Thank you. Hope you have a good day and hope to hear from you. Looking as long as this is up, dude, this is the thing about like, this is the shady, you're going to get murdered. If you do this, you're going to get straight up murdered. This is a murderer doing this. It's this is one of those posts where you look and I actually read, because I read a lot of these, and I go, oh, well, you know what? This actually seems legit. The second you think something seems legit on fucking Craigslist, you signed your death certificate.

You're dead. The most shittiest thing I ever did on Craigslist is I went to go pick up an Xbox when it first came out, the first Xbox ever. I got it in an alleyway. I handed the guy fucking $100 bills, and I went home. I played Call of Duty for nine years. And I will tell you, dude, it was the shittiest thing I did. I went with another guy. If I didn't go with another guy, there would be no Chris D'Elia.

But I went with another guy. That Xbox never got that red ring of death. It was always working. So anyway, dude, thank you very much. That's the episode for this evening or this morning or whatever it is, dude. So anyway, dude, thank you very much. That's the episode for this evening or this morning or whatever it is, dude. Kansas City, Minneapolis,

Austin, Texas. I will be there. ChrisLeah.com. Oh, well, that's the episode for YouTube. If you want to catch the rest of the episode, the uncut episode, the with no ads, no nothing, just a raw unedited thing,

just go to patreon.com slash chrystalia and you'll get every episode in this entirely with nothing cut, no ads, and you will also get all of the backlogged episodes of Congratulations. There's like 22, 23 now. It's worth it. And it's only six bucks. Patreon.com slash chrystalia.

Thanks. box patreon.com slash crystalia thanks