Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 303. Balls Café

Episode Date: March 2, 2023

😏 If you want totally ads/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris has returned from the road and has tales of hanging out with family in NYC, fine dining in Chicago, and making his Dad tear up from a tattoo. He also weighs in on Scott Adams getting Dilbert cancelled, the Jake Paul vs. Tommy Fury fight, and Tiger Woods infamous tampon handoff. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, what's up? Welcome to this show. Congratulations. I have a special announcement. I have a special announcement for all of you that want to come sit in the tall grass April 1st in Minneapolis. Crystalia.com. I will be filming my fifth special. I will be doing it in Minneapolis. My next special is announced, and that is when I will be doing it, April 1st. The first show is already sold out. The second show, there are tickets left, and they will sell out.

This is my special that I am shooting, and that is what's happening. So there's my special announcement. I will also be in Austin, November. I mean, not even close Austin November. I mean, not even close to November. March 25th and I will be in different places. Kansas City and Tulsa. Springfield. So go to chrislea.com and check it out

where I will be on the Don't Push Me Tour. I gotta say, man, it's been really, really great. Chicago was awesome. New York was awesome. I'll be in Midland, Texas. I always forget that one because what is it um it's from where it's where woody harrelson was born um columbus ohio cincinnati woody harrelson was born in midland texas the only reason why i know that is because my wife was watching a documentary about serial killers and the guy on it sounded like freaking fucking what's his name?

Woody Harrelson. So just like him. And he was from South Carolina. And I thought, I bet Woody Harrelson is from South Carolina because he sounds just like him. I looked up where Woody Harrelson is from. Middle of Texas. Dead wrong. But it's all good. The South is the South. And although it's not all the same, you got that wrong. You know what I

mean? And that's me, boy. That's me, boy. And I am very excited to be shooting my special. I want to do it. You know, it's tricky because I'm going to do it now. And then I guess I'll probably release it a few months after that. I already have tour dates lined up

for the fall of this year. They're not out yet. Not sure when I'm going to be releasing them or announcing them. But it will be the Don't Push Me Tour. But I don't know when I'm going to release this special. And when I release this special, I want the Don't Push Me Tour to be kind of not over, but I want to have new material. So I've got to incorporate some new material in the Don't Push Me Tour. So we'll see what it is, dude.

But, you know, the link below is where you get tickets to the special uh where the special taping i was in new york i was in rhode island first of all played the vets which was awesome uh have i been to rhode island before don't know why it's not memorable but boy was it this time um and uh yeah so i was in rhode island and it was very fun. Then I went to New York starts where I, where I actually started spreading the news and dude, it was so cute because I was taking, I took Calvin and my wife and Calvin kept on saying, we're going to New York to visit pop pop. And we went to pop up is what he calls grandpa, you know, my, my dad.

And, uh, so he, we went to york and we saw pop pop and it was absolutely beautiful because february 18th was my show in new york and february 18th was my my uh son's birthday he turned three and february 18th my dad came to the show and it was very sweet every time i'd look my dad is the most sentimental person in the world so like honestly he i mean he he just it's where i get my sentiment from my babies it's where i get my sentiment from but uh and uh my sentimentality i guess is what we call it not my sentiment i don't know i'm dumb but um but he is basically the most sentimental person in the world and he um came to the show did 20 people in my family came to the show.

Did 20 people in my family come to the show as well? Yes. Did they all ask for tickets? Yes. Is that $1,000 out of my pocket? Yes. Is it okay? No.

But did we do it anyway? Yes. Why? Because if I didn't, my dad would be mad and I'm Italian, you know? Dude, my dad is so, my dad will be like, you drove by La Cun and and you didn't say hi to your mother and i'm just like dad i was on the two freeway you know you didn't exit you didn't exit hillard and and drive up and visit your mom for an hour and a half your mother's pissed well why isn't she calling me i gotta you know if my mom's pissed the way, if my mom's pissed, the way I know my mom's pissed is if my dad calls me, that's how I know if my mom's pissed, I know if my dad's pissed,

my dad calls me, if my mom's pissed, my dad calls me, now, that's the Italian way, that's the New Jersey way, and, you know, so that's what we do, so, you didn't, you didn't, you didn't visit your mother? No, I didn't. Were you on the 210 at all? Yeah. You didn't visit your mother? Well, but I was in the 210. It was really far. I was in Pasadena.

That's not an excuse. That's 12 minutes away. But if I drive 12 minutes, I drive 12 minutes back. Then it's 24 minutes. I stay there for an hour. It's like, oh, you don't love your mother? She birthed you. My dad doesn't sound like that, but it's still funny to make him sound like that.

And so, matter of fact, my dad's so sentimental that I believed in Santa Claus for way, way too late. And that was part of me being like, fuck this shit. I'm going to believe in Santa Claus as much as I want to, dude. Kids in the school were telling me, you know he's not real. And I was like, nah, he's real. I don't care. I don't even care if he's not real. Dude, I'm talking well into like, I mean, 13?

Yeah. You figure out there's no Santa when you're six. Bro, I was 13. Like, maybe not the 12 reindeers, but someone's Santa. And he probably has a reindeer or two. They don't fly. I get it. But you know what I mean?

Like I was living in my, like if Santa, like Christopher Nolan directed a Santa Claus movie where it's like, well, the reindeers don't fly, but he's a real person. He's got guns. You don't live in the North Pole. He lives in Alaska, you know? So, yeah. um, you don't live in the North Pole, he lives in Alaska, you know, uh, so, so yeah, and then my mom said to me, uh, when I was 11, you know, there's no, there's no Santa Claus, right, I mean, let's, I mean, there, there maybe is a Santa Claus, but mom and dad are the ones that put the present under the tree, and I remember I was at my desk in New Jersey, and I was doing my homework, and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, and I just knew the next time I talked to my mom that she got in trouble for my dad. Cause my dad

was like, you're going to, you're going to tell him there's no Santa Claus. Like he's only 11. Like I was so old at that point. I had armpit hair. And, um, then the next, uh, Christmas we were in LA, I must've been 12 or 13. I can't remember. And when I knew there was no Santa Claus. And then, by the way, if you're sorry for spoiling it, but if you're in the cult here, you know that for sure there's no Santa Claus because you got to be old enough to get in the cult, right? So we got to sit in high tall grass. We're going to start Christmas, oh my son's crying there is he all right um maybe my wife just told him there's no santa so uh so the next christmas i went down and there were things in the down under the tree that i wanted that i didn't necessarily say i

wanted and my dad's like hey look and i. And I said, yeah. He said, look at that there. Santa brought that. Did you want that? I said, yeah. He said, did you let Santa know? Did you tell anybody that you wanted that? I said, no. And he said, Oh, so there must be a Santa, huh? And he's like trying to backtrack. I'm like, the damage is already done. You can't, you know, the, the, the milk spilled already. You can't put it back in a bottle. So, um, anyway, uh, my dad's sentimental as shit so i here's how sentimental my dad is he goes to my grandfather had ah dude my grandfather had a news stand on 33rd and 7th and in new york and that's how we made his money they were growing up they were poor you know

speaking of christmas one christmas they had had gifts and they had to return on the next day. Really sad. But so the we went to. So my dad, every time he's in New York, he goes to 33rd and 7th to feel his dad, which is absolutely fucking adorable, dude. My dad's cute as shit man Where do you think I get it from So he does that And one time there was a billboard of me

While he was standing there Where his newsstand used to be And my dad just waterworks What a moment right What a moment it's great I don't remember what the billboard was for Is it for a dumb show I was on Or when I was a model for Hugo Boss

But um Just like this Acqua Di Boss? But just like this. Acqua di Giorgio just like this. Coming out of a pool like this. Just cascading. Just water just cascading over the – And so I know he does that, and I was texting him this time. He was in New York.

He was there, and I had my shows at the Beacon Theater. Two of them. He keeps his seats warm but not for too long because he's a stand-up at the end. And so I did the show. It's Calvin's birthday. At the end I said to my dad, hey, Calvin I think wants to come out on the stage with you. Do you want to do that? And he said, of course.

I'll do anything Calvin wants. Didn't even ask Calvin about it. Just knew my dad would do it if Calvin wanted to do it. I did what Hollywood Asians do. I was like, yeah, he wants to do it, so you should want to do it. And they go, all right. And all of a sudden, you got fucking Mark Wahlberg and Jeremy Renner in a project where they both thought they wanted to do it. But really, they would only do it if each other did it.

And there was no checking involved. And now they both said yes because they thought. And now you got a blockbuster hit, right? So I'm on stage. I said, good night, everybody. And then they come out with balloons. My dad brought the balloons with Calvin because it's his birthday. And it was so sweet.

I'm hugging my dad. And I'm holding Calvin. And then, you know, I say we leave. And on stage, I't know, I, on stage, I'm like, yeah, my, this is crazy. It's three generations of D'Elia and my grandfather's not with us anymore, but it's all on the tour report that I put up on my channel. But, um, but I was like, uh, you, um, my grandfather would think this is a trip, you know, I used to sell newspapers, whatever I'd say, all that stuff. Then the next day I go and I, and I know I meet my dad for dinner the next day, so I go get a tattoo at this place, Bang Bang in New York City, and it's the, you can see it right here, but the street sign,

West 33rd and 7th Avenue. Dude, not only am I sentimental, I'm cute as shit! Isn't that sweet? So now I'm yatted up. I'm crazy as shit Isn't that sweet So now I'm yatted up I'm crazy yatted up And yeah it's You know it's absolutely sexy But also it's very sentimental

Right Yeah yeah yeah I gotta pass out towels Because you know I'm like Like dude you think I got more tattoos But you don't even know about

I got some that are half done I haven't even exposed to you yet So yeah I'm gonna have to get a bunch of I gotta get Ikea half done. I haven't even exposed to you yet. So yeah, I'm going to have to get a bunch of, I gotta get Ikea bags of towels. I got to dole them out because women are going to be falling down, breaking their fucking necks. When you see the kid, you add it up like this, right? Okay. Sorry. I need to get insurance and towels. Okay. So there's that, but also, Oh, he gets ones that mean stuff. so i showed it to my dad at dinner and he teared up dude my dad's so sentimental and that's where i get it from man so sentimental

that's it once i let the walls down and did too much therapy now he cries a lot too yay his brother talked about him but he never talks about his feeling yay and he said yeah you're right but didn't want Juan, who said it begrudgingly, but secretly did that, and he knows it's right. Yay! And then my brother said, the only time I ever had a real conversation with my mom was after two and a half years ago when all chaff and yay! And I thought I did,

but I really didn't, but that's me being delusional and compartmentalizing. Yay! But it's all good, dude. So now he gets tattoos that mean something. And then... But it's all good, dude. So now he gets tattoos that mean something. That's why I say grow or die. You know what I mean? So, yeah, we did that.

And we did the New York show. Then we went to, we stayed in New York City. And my motherfucker, dude, first of all, it was so cool seeing Calvin walk around the city like a city boy, dude. It was so cute, man. I'm not going to talk about my son the whole time. Look, I get it. I'm a first-time dad. And sometimes people are like, bro, does this guy, like, he's got a kid, so what? Dude, how about this?

My heart explodes for him. So I'm not going to talk about it too much, but it's just, you know, my family and just the warmth and the, you know, the niceness. And, dude, fuck you for being shitty about what I love. How about that? Don't listen. Dude, as a matter of fact, I want to whittle down my fans and to really, really drive home the point that if you're listening to this podcast

or watching this podcast, you're a hardcore motherfucker, dude. I don't want passive listeners like, huh, I want motherfuckers that are sitting Indian style on the grass helping to build this log cabin. So anyway, dude, I digress. But, uh, yeah, did the Chicago theater. I guess I'm going back to the Chicago theater later on this year. Cause it was just so frigging great. So what do we talk about, dude? That was just me catching up to catching you guys up to what's been going on in my life. Cause dude, I haven't been doing the podcast for 10, 10 days. I was in New York city, dude. And

I went to get a call by the way, this coffee shop is really good. I forget what it's called. Um, but I went in to get the coffee shop to get the coffee, to get my four shots over ice. First of all, I went in to get four shots over the ice, went in with Denny Love, the guy who opens for me, comedian. He's really great. Um, and he And he was like, he asked them for fur. He was like, dude, he wants coffee. He doesn't know coffee, but he's like, I'm trying to get into coffee. And he'll go and he'll get like the fucking red frilly drink, like the strawberry supreme or whatever. But like the coffee version of it.

So not strawberry, but like the vanilla fucking and also mocha and with syrup in it and also pancakes, coffee, the latte, right? And he'll be drinking it. He'll be drinking it and there's literally like a cinnamon stick coming out of it and some plants and dominoes, you know? Like just full of shit. And he'll drink it and be like, I'm not really. And so every time I see it, I'm always like, oh, dude, you're meeting up with a chick? I go like that. And we have a laugh, you know.

I say, oh, dude, who's the girl you're meeting up with? Like, you know what I mean. So, we go in there. And he's like, could I get it with vanilla? And they were like, we don't have flavor. Dude, just straight up the coffee shop that just goes like this. we don't have flavor. Dude, just straight up the coffee shop that just goes like this. We don't have flavor. Like the most boss shit.

When I say it's my dream to open up a shop where you taste stuff and then you got the boss to be like, we don't have flavor. It's the most unbelievable shit. That's so gangster. Oh, you came here for tasting stuff? Great.

This is going to be overpriced. By the way, you came here for taste and stuff. Great. This is going to be overpriced. By the way, don't ask for flavor because we got none. So then I get my four shots over ice, but I go like this. Now this is, this is how hardcore of a coffee drinker I am. We're at a hardcore coffee place. So hardcore doesn't have flavor. I asked for four shots over ice and the lady says, you want one shot? And I say, no, no, no. And she says, do you want two double? I said, no, no, no. Four. And she says, do you want to die? That's dude. She says, do you want to die? And now I'm realizing when I say that she said that because of how strong

their coffee is because they were like a hardcore place with no flavor. And I drank it was very strong. Now that I think about it. But yeah, I drank that shit still alive. But bro, it was so funny, man. Do you want to die? The best place I've ever been to. I can't even remember what it's called.

I'll flash it on the screen because I'll remember later and I'll have Ivan get rid of put it up there. Congratulations for that um but yeah I got this new tattoo and it's fucking cool man it's appealing right now I went to this place in Chicago called Elsky it's a restaurant and we went because it's a Michelin star restaurant and I didn't know about this but like there's like how many people how many places in america that have like a three star michelin like not that many and then there's two and then there's one and like a city like chicago has like 31 stars like there's not many you know maybe not even 30 maybe like 20 and kristen was like let's go to this All right, cool. So we go. The fucking, like, the absolute balls. You talk about, like, hardcore coffee.

The balls these places have. Honestly, every one or two star, at least two or three-star restaurants, Michelin-star restaurants, should only legally be able to be called Balls. They should be called Balls Restaurant or My Big Balls, My Big Balled Cafe. my big balls, my big bald cafe. Because this shit, first of all, they'll do eight courses. So my balls are big. That's basically what they're saying.

It's like, ah, eight course. Dude, here's how many courses a meal should be. One. All right. And you might be like, what about appetizer? No. You know what appetizer for? To whet the appetite for the real meal? Nope. Just give me the real meal. At best, maybe dessert. So maybe two, but one. Okay. Appetizer? Nope. bring it with the meal on the same plate make it one okay so we go to this place that has like 11 courses

and i'm like well these courses are probably small, so let me add two. You can either get the set menu, which is go honestly, blow yourself. I get it. I get it. A chef is an artist, and yeah, yeah, no substitutions, and I get it, but also name your place Ball's Cafe. Okay? So the first, what do you call it, course is two little bitch-ass blocks.

Like, I'm talking that big. bitch-ass blocks, like, I'm talking that big, of goat, like, it's like goat cheese and egg yolk and, like, a crepe-y kind of thing on it. And I, actually, you know what? You know what it is? You know what they brought out first? I don't know! Because it's Ball's Cafe!

I mean, you got the chef in there sitting on them, like like at the toy store when they're bouncing on the fucking thing. You know what I'm talking about? With the handle and it looks just bad. He's like Randy Marsh wagging it in his balls. Hey, everybody. Did the lamb come in? Did the rabbit ears come in? Hey, Chef Balls.

And by the way, two little bitch-ass things. And dude, they got a plate this big. The two bitch-ass block things are on the side of the plate, dude. Like, hey, you missed. They act like, dude, well, no, go negative. Take your negative. You know where else there's negative spank up your ass dude hey dude you missed the plate first and guess guess how quickly i ate the first course? 0.001 seconds, dude. And Kristen's laughing.

She's like, man, you don't do mindful eating, which is something that I did in rehab. But then, dude, people were like, you got to do mindful eating. You got to really taste the food. I don't know why this is part of the plan in rehab. But like, you know, don't just eat the food so much. Probably because we're an addict and a lot of food addicts there. Probably don't do overeaters, you know. And don't fucking, you know, you got to really taste the food and put the fork down and think about it and taste the food. And I'm like,

dude, mindful eating, fuck all this. And people were trying to do the mindful eating and I did it, but I learned how to do it real well. So I just fucking did it really quickly. I'm mindful, eat it real quick. Hey guys, I want to talk to you about mood. And listen, whether you're new to cannabis or an old pro, there's no denying that many of the products on the market seem iffy, honestly, at best. And when you want to relax, iffy is the last thing you want to feel, okay? Mood puts an end to guessing games.

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And for 20% off your first order and free gummies, go to hellomood.com and use promo code congrats. That's specific to my listeners. So that's 20% off your first order. That is hellomood.com, promo code congrats for 20% off your order and free gummies. So anyway, the second course comes. Man, what the fuck was it?

Dude, I took pictures of all of them. Actually, I took pictures of all of them. Actually, I took pictures of all of them. I took pictures of all of them, and I'm going to go get them. And you're going to wait here while I scroll through it because, dude, I'm going to describe these pictures, and I'm actually going to put them on the thing. I'm going to have Ivan get rid of them and put them on the thing. I don't know when this was. Let's see. So I'm going to be really respectful and just scroll through my phone as you guys are listening

and you guys are going to stay here. Okay. Cause you're about it. Cause you're about it. Cause honestly about it. Now I was just looking through videos. So that pisses me off. I was looking at the videos, uh, because I, I was not even looking through pictures.

Now that makes me really mad, but you know what? You stayed anyway. Do you know why you're about it? Okay. Here it is. Found it. It was way quicker, which isn't from the videos first. All right.

Um, so that was the thing two bitch ass so here's what the thing oh yeah oh two bitch ass things and then two more bitch ass things on the side of it on a different plate that were center in the center of the thing this is me being this is me writing the menu so first course two bitch ass things on the side of the plate in parentheses sorry we missed the plate and also two bitch ass things that tasted like donuts but were really small And should have been for dessert And also a drink That we pretend is a meal

And it has I don't even know what was in it It tastes smoky as shit So that was the first meal Second meal was It's a bowl and the guy's like So it's in bra And they explain it

So here we have And I'm already done with the course by the time he gets to the word half so here we have um so they're dumplings the chefs uh take anytime a chef does a take you know it's not the thing so it's the chef's take on a dumpling And I'm looking, no dumpling There's pork inside it, didn't taste the pork Flaps, the little Like flap over it Like little beads of pork And in broth I guess, but it was more like froth And they were like

Literally I asked the guy Do you eat it with a fork or a spoon He says, you just kind of eat it with the spoon And I tried to eat it with the spoon And then it wasn't working, I took it with the fork because dude, they tricked me. There's no real broth. So it was like pork dumplings that weren't pork dumplings. So that was the second meal. And the third meal, the third course was, oh yeah. Um, sablefish with chamomile flakes and shrimp under it. Now that was banging. Look, by the way, it was all very good. I'm not all very good, but also more. Okay. I also, because the, the,

the, what do you call the courses were going to be little. I knew to order more. I saw also ordered the halibut and also they're called nudies, which is like gnocchi. Didn't know what it was, but it tasted, it was so banging. The nudie and the whatever, dude. I'm a food critic, but this is the place, Elsky, was great. So then we got the halibut. Didn't like the chamomile in the shit,

you know. Then got the halibut and the nudie, and boy, those were tens, man. Just tens. God, the halibut and the nudie. And boy, those were 10s, man. Just 10s. God, the halibut and the nudie. And then, dude, then it was the only course I did not like. Liver pate. And like, dude, they brought it in the shape of a pie.

And it's like, I thought it was dessert and I ate it, dude. And I'm just not a liver fan. Duck liver, okay? You know? It's like. And it was in the shape of a pie ate i said where's the utensils they say you eat it with your hands i ate with my hands it was cold it was disgusting not a fan of liver and then it was duck breast or some shit a duck it was all right and then dude they gave us two charcoal pieces to cleanse the palate before dessert. And then I ate it, and I pretended like it was dessert to Kristen. And I was like, man, that's a crazy dessert.

And she didn't listen because she doesn't listen a lot sometimes. And then I was like, yeah, that was good. And she was like, oh, that's interesting. And I was like, ah, joke's on you. It was just a palate cleanser. Then the real dessert came. And it was ice cream, and it was good. You know?

But, like, dude, these places, man. Oh, was ice cream and it was good. You know? But like, dude. These places, man. Oh, and the bill was $550. Dude, so all good. But just absolutely, absolutely fucking crazy. Absolutely crazy to have to do this. But a good place. Dude, when you go to... How about man people always talk about new york his

hot take new york i haven't been in new york since before the pandemic don't like 80 of the restaurants now close at like midnight it used to be 24 hours you got to like travel far if you want to get something at 1 a.m. or 2 a.m. It sucks. All right. Now I'm Mr. New York. Now I bleed New York. Right. Now my soul rests easy in New York. Right. Like when I'm in L.A., a piece can't get food late at night unless you go far, right? Unless you live next to one of these spots. Now people are in the comments crying. You should have went to this or that or the Stardust Diner or whatever the fuck, you know?

All right. So how about this? Living in New York, I cannot imagine living in New York your whole life. That would suck donkey balls. Now, that's the hot take. The hot take, and here's why. People say LA and traffic is the worst thing in the world. Dude, at least in LA, you have to drive to get to the traffic. Okay. In LA, you're at least at your

house and then you drive a few blocks and then you go, ah, fuck this LA traffic in New York. You walk out your door and there's traffic already, by the way, on the sidewalk. You get your, oh, oh, oh. And you get to the car. Bim, bim. You're sitting. There's a guy pulling out. Goddamn.

Fucking God. Shit ass. Goddamn. Fuck. Someone hits the roof. And the other guy, hey. They don't care. No one cares.

Nobody gets shot, you know. It's so annoying dude the traffic in new york fucking sucks this is what you say you'll be like yo um so how far away is it and they this is always the answer new york it's only like six blocks but it takes 25 minutes really because the traffic yeah and also you got to turn around and do the fucking thing and it's a one-way street oh Oh, dude, blow me. New York, it's not it anymore. You know what's it?

Brooklyn. But then you go to Brooklyn, you see all the people with the twisty mustaches, you go, wipe my asshole, dude. Get out of here, man. No. So there's no place to live. It's either hipster city or traffic central, and that sucks. What about the regular degular? I want to be regular degular.

You can't in New York City, dude. So that's what's up, man. So that's what's up. And that sucks. So L.A., you know, look, I get it. L.A. is, well, it's, you know, I guess I want to say L.A. was great. The pandemic ruined everything, man. I guess I want to say LA was great.

The pandemic ruined everything, man. Which is why I want to, you know, we're building a house now outside of the fucking LA because I want some regular daggler, dude. The traffic in New York is way worse now, dude. Pretty soon, New York's just going to be a place where you go to, it's going to be, everything in New York is going to be either a hotel or a Duane Reade.

And maybe like there'll be some pizza shops, but it'll, everything will be a chain. Like nobody, who the fuck lives in New York anymore? They're just fucking Duane Reade after Duane Reade, Starbucks after Duane Reade. And then like, you can go see Aladdin and the Lion King. I get it, dude. It's beautiful. You know, and there's still those diehard, yeah, but nah, you just don't know where to go.

Well, how about how five years ago you just stepped outside and everything was a fucking party? Five years ago, you could stay at 33rd and Bullshit and walk out and still have a great time. Fucking beard's on me. And now, dude, everything is a Du time. Fucking beards on me. And now, dude, everything is a Duane Reade.

It just sucks. So, yeah. I don't know. How about this fucking bullshit? Tiger Woods. This is great. First of all, love it.

Tiger Woods, women's group group rips tampon gag. Misogynistic tone deaf. So hilarious. This is even fucking news. I mean, it's not news, but it's news. You know what I mean? It's not news, but. And so he, this is so funny.

He did this, by the way. Now I'm a huge Tiger Woods fan. I don't care about golf, but this guy. Tiger Woods is being called out by a women's empowerment group for his tampon prank at a PGA Tour event, saying how dare he, especially with a daughter at home. The CEO of Women's Global Empowerment Fund tells TMZ, Tiger's tampon moment was not only misogynistic,

but also tone deaf and straight up disrespectful to women and girls all over the world sugar ripped the golfing legend so here's what he did he one-upped this golfer like this golfer did a shot and he did a shot and it was much better and then he walked over and handed him a tampon dude which by the way is so fucking funny because of how just so frat guy and shitty it is you know also tiger woods either two things happened here tiger woods either went to go get a tampon to do this or got his assistant to pick up tampons too like that's unbelievable that's unbelievable that that he was like i'm gonna do this and i'm gonna fucking do a crazy cool shot which i do because i'm talking ones i'm gonna go fucking get a hand on the tampon so funny okay and now this woman of the woman head of the woman's group is saying

how it's tone deaf. Sugar-ripped golfing legend wondering if he's intimidating periods. Oh, intimidating periods are embarrassing or shameful or a sign of weakness. Okay, so here's the deal. Men are more manly, I guess. What is manly? I guess so that doesn't make sense. You can't say man or man.

Here I go getting in trouble. But the, how do I not skate around this? How do I go right through the fucking bowling pins? How do I not skate around this? How do I go right through the fucking bowling pins? But sports, male sports, if you want to say they're toxic, fine. I don't like that word. There's a very, if manly is a thing, then unmanly is a thing. And in sports, being manly is equated with being good in men's sports okay so saying hey guy i know you value this in yourself but check this out you got a pussy

is a fucking funny thing to do. Alright? And if having a, look, having a period isn't a sign of weakness. But being weaker is a sign of weakness. And women genuinely, when it comes to physical strength,

generally, the weaker, okay? And that's okay. You're different. You're better at other things. You're better at other things. And that's fucking awesome, dude. But, dude, this is absolutely hilarious that he did this.

The women's group says it's sad to see Tiger do this because he's a grown man with a daughter, and they feel the joke distracts from the serious issues involving mental health and period. Mental health. What the fuck does mental health have to do with this? Which women and girls are about to go? He gave an apology? Non-apology.

Saying it was supposed to be all fun and games. Obviously, it hasn't turned out that way. If I had offended anybody. Nah, don't say that. If I offended anybody, I'm sorry. Yeah, that's not a real apology. But also, just don't do it. Yeah, women can compete in sports in all areas of life while handling their periods.

So tampons are no joke. This is what they wrote. Dude, yeah, women compete in sports. Yeah, not with guys. Because they're not as good, dude. You're not going to see fucking even Brittany Griner, who's like will sell out. She's not going to be sitting there with LeBron, dude.

I don't know. It's like, dude. So insane, though. Like the Dilbert guy. How about how the Dilbert guy just goes, I'm cashing in ah you know what fuck it i'm cashing in make i accept like 70 million dollars it has been drawing this dog shit cartoon since 1980 you know and i'm not i'm not look dude speak your mind free

your fucking mind the cartoon dilbert dog shit okay it's all good do what you do make that stack those racks fine dog shit okay bilbert will walk in and be like, where's my brain? And the guy's like, and then Dilbert's like, and it's on a hundred newspapers across the world. Stog shit. Okay. It's fine. But Dilbert, your whole life's work, stog shit. And it's fine. And I don't care. And I like when someone frees their mind and speaks their mind. Now we not racist here at the congratulations studios okay at the super good studios we're not racist but this dilbert guy dude i actually want to play the fucking video because holy motherfuck dude the guy the guy just doubled down he goes dilbert here let me you looking for headphones yeah they're in my backpack, dude.

Sorry, I took them. Now, of course, we're going to get through all the shins. You don't have another pair there? Yeah. Wow. Here, let me play some of this.

Dude, this is so ridiculous how he did it. Also, it looks like Cal Ripken Jr Cal Racist Jr Come on let's play it Here we go Dude you heard about this right You know about this right

Dude So if nearly half of all blacks Are not okay with white people According to this poll He put out a poll in Twitter where he was like, where he was like, wow, he's got the Spider-Man

headphones, those are Calvin's. I don't even fit his head. He's going to have to listen in one ear. So he basically put out a poll. Is it okay to be white or not? And 53% of the people said like, yeah, it's okay to be white, which means there were, like, 47 people that said, yeah, it's not okay to be white.

And he was saying that it's racist. Now, is that racist? Ah, yes! Okay, now, do I want to die on that hill? Who cares? It doesn't matter. But my point is, if you do a dog shit cartoon in 100 publications across America, you can't be saying stuff like that.

All right? So he did it. He tweeted that. And obviously he wanted to be incendiary. Guys were 70 mil. All right? So the guy wants to cash out. So then he puts this video up.

So if nearly half of all blacks. First of all, calling them blacks. Whoa. Are not okay with white people, according to this poll. Not according to me. According to this poll. That's a hate group. This man just said blacks.

All right. All right. this man just said blacks all right all right hate group not he didn't even say some blacks which which would still be like whoa buddy the guy just goes blacks are are a hate group. That's the fucking awards. That's a hate group. Double down to the choice. And I don't want to have anything to do with them. I don't want to have anything to do with them,

meaning blacks. And I would say, based on the current way things are going, the best advice I would give to white people is to get the hell away from black people. The fact that not only he said white people should get away from black people, but the fact that he said white people should get the hell away from black people is like you feel the vitriol under his speaking, right? And the fact that he's doing this the whole time. White people should get the hell away from black people.

You make a dog shit cartoon. Just get the whole time. White people should get the hell away from black people. You make a dog shit cartoon. Just get the fuck away. Wherever you have to go, just get away. Like they're everywhere, you know? Wherever you have to go, just like,

you're just in the, well, this is better than being around them blacks in the Atlantic, in the Potomac. You know, they don't swim, so. Scared of water. Just racist motherfuckers

out there. So that is Scott Adams. Dude, it's so funny that a cartoonist can even be racist. You know? Ah, draw. So everybody was just like, done.

Done with them. And I'm just like, wow. And I looked in the comments and dude, some people are just all for it. It's crazy how, like, my favorite are the black dudes that come out and are like, yeah, it's up to our kind to do better. And we didn't know. I'm like, God damn, dude.

What had been still or do one fire sent me this. Oh, oh, oh, did he get canceled or no? No. He said, I make no canceled or no? No. He said, I make no apologies for Tropic Thunder.

Oh wait, somebody said, what is this? So Benny S. wrote to Ben Stiller, please stop apologizing for doing this movie. It wasn't still as funny as fuck. Even funnier now with cancel culture

that the way it is, it's a movie. Y'all can just get over it. I was dying laughing when I saw it first back in the day, and so was everyone else. I noticed how in Twitter how liberal... Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the guy says, I noticed how Twitter...

I noticed on Twitter how liberals have been trying to cancel culture of the movie Tropic Thunder. Now people like Ben Stiller are actually apologizing for what? It's a classic movie, funny as fuck. If you haven't seen it, it's a satirical movie and Robert Downey Jr., you know, he does it in blackface, whatever.

Well, his whole body's black, whatever. Stop apologizing for this stuff. And then Ben Stiller writes, I make no apologies for Tropic Thunder. Don't know who told you that.

It's always been a controversial movie since we opened, since when we opened. Proud of it and the work everyone did on it. Nice. I guess this is a tweet he did.

Actually, Tropic Thunder was book out of 10 years ago when it came out, and I apologize then. It was always meant to make fun of actors trying to do anything to win awards. Yeah, of course. I stand by my apology to the movie, Sean White, and the great people that work with it. Well, so he did apologize for it then why is sean white huh that was 2018

yeah dude it's it's it's it's like that's the thing about this is that they don't even go to the fact that they're making fun of a guy who would do this but whatever hey nobody gives a fuck um how about this andrew tate tweet sup what did he mean sup he writes i was awoken last night by an icy chill that's a poetry and then he writes and identified a ghost in my prison cell oops you had it for a minute there dude andrew tate that's the thing man once you reach escape velocity you can say anything and people will just like okay there were ghosts then i believe. I've invested too much of myself to follow you. I was walking last night by an icy chill

and identified a ghost in my prison cell. He was terrified and begged me not to annihilate him. The most fucking, wow, dude. To have it like that? To have it like that?

Why would a ghost, hey, dude, first of all, I'm finding flaws in this tweet. Why is the ghost even showing up? Be in another area. At least be in Andrew Tate's kitchen where he's not sleeping. Oh, he's in jail.

He was terrified and begged me not to denial him. I sent him back to hell with a message for the demons. I am always ready. Whoa, dude. Look, this guy writes, got to respect a man that never stops growing. Andrew Tate, social media phenomenon, kickboxing champion, internet pimp,

business coach, and Ghostbuster. That's cool, dude. Free your mind, dude. Free your fucking mind. Andrew Tate, free Andrew Tate, right right isn't that what they say i have no idea they're they're sure shout out betting this video but i'm saying andrew tate too much um yeah he dm'd me a long time ago uh and was talking about uh how everyone was mad at him and we were having a laugh and that's it he said let me come on your

podcast and i was like um he did he said let me come on your podcast let me know when you want to do the best podcast of all time and i wrote uh okay i don't have guests on my podcast and uh that's that it was a while ago so how's that for how's that for some insider biz dude how's that for some bts i guess tommy fury beat jake paul in decision all right i guess it was a split decision every time i hear split decision, I think of Ace Ventura saying, quick decision, and then throwing her into the water. Wow, that's so funny. Quick decision, like so dumb and funny. Wow, Jim Carrey's awesome.

So, yeah, you beat him. You know what I like about Jake Paul, dude? He'll talk so much shit, and then afterwards he'll be like, fair play, dude. You won. Congrats to you and your family. That's so fucking awesome. That means he's playing a game of boxing and he's doing it well dude the guys are marketing genius right and so am i so we have something in common um what else did i do this week? I fucking, I did a,

I'm fucking tired, man. I'm in more of that coffee where she said, you want to die? Shout out to my frigging homies. Let's look at some of these here. I like doing these. Let's look at some of these here i like doing these let's look at some of these um what do you call it uh gpt chat gpt crystalia jokes this is a new section we do here on the show chat gpt crystalia jokes

on caviar hey what's the deal with caviar? It's like, let me get this straight. We're paying top dollar for fish eggs? I mean, come on, people. If we really wanted to eat fish eggs, we could just go fishing and squeeze them out ourselves. So not a joke. Also something I would say because I don't do jokes. I mean, come on, people.

It's so something I've never said. I mean, come on, people. I've literally never said that in my life except for chat GPT. We're saying chat GPT jokes. Here's one on cruise ships. Well, this is actually a hilarious line. Hey, you ever been on a cruise? It's like a floating hotel, but with a lot more diarrhea.

I mean, you're basically trapped on a boat with a bunch of strangers all trying to avoid the same overcooked buffet food i mean the first line of that is hilarious oh chris on stage gonna do it and let's not forget about the entertainment there's always some cheesy magician or washed up comedian me no it doesn't say that part i'm trying to make you laugh yeah good luck with that buddy i'm too busy trying not to get seasick wow so bad but you know what the best part of the cruise is get off the damn thing i mean you've been stuck on a boat for a week you're willing to kiss the ground when you finally dock so yeah you want to spend your time vacation feeling like you're on a floating petri dish go ahead and and book that cruise. No, so bad. First line was funny.

Here's Burger King. Chuggy PD jokes. Chris Alia. Burger King, huh? Wow, I like that already. Burger King, huh? More like Burger Prince. Am I right?

Didn't I do this already? They're all the same. You just did this now? Wow. Burger Prince. Am I right? I mean, who are they trying to fool with that crown logo? I didn't do this already.

Did you do it? Wow. Did Ivan get rid of, do the same thing? No, maybe not. But it just feels so, so am i having a fucking what do you call it deja vu yeah no i didn't do this but no amount of slow motion shots is gonna make me forget that time i got food poisoning from your whopper hey guess if you're gonna guess if you're into hey i guess if you're in a soggy buns and wilted lettuce Burger King is the place for you. Just make sure to bring your own crown because you definitely won't be feeling like a king after eating there. Wow, so bad, dude.

That would so be a joke that somebody would do in an open mic in a hostel. Wow. Oh, man. Guess what? Joke's on you guys. wow oh man guess what joke's on you guys I've been nauseous the whole time I've been doing this

this um podcast and it's been okay so still did it got through it ate three tums didn't work

yes dude awesome tums didn't work yes dude absolutely freaking awesome but uh congratulations today brought to you by me brought to you by me so like and subscribe the shits my other channel has been fucking pumping though and getting followers got like 30 000 followers in the past few days uh crystal a channel that's what's up dude uh let's do some tinder some

some dessert let's do some tinder nah let's do some tinder or deserve it scale let's do some deserve it scale here we go was trying to jump over the leak pipe with tremendous water pressure well we know how that ends up who's a woman or a man? Oh. Oh? Oh. I mean, oh my God, dude. First of all, bitched out completely because only kind of put the side of his leg over it and still flipped all the way around. Dude, that's unbelievable.

Oh my God. Broke his fucking neck. Wow, somebody wrote public enema number one. That's pretty funny. That is just so bad you could die like that so that's an eight because it was very funny but also you can die like that so let's not let's not have that happen anymore huh here's another one running and flipping oh the music is so bad so running oh running and flipping off is what it is he gave the guy the finger and then ate shit oh this is a bus oh hit a pole oof oof oh the guy behind him is doing a naruto run naruto run literally wow those guys are all

dorks everything's everybody's such a dork in there um yeah that's a n8 as well but there was some pain in that so i feel bad about that oh you ever hit that shit that happened to me once not running but walking it hurts so bad walking it hurts so bad i must passed out. So running, I can't even fucking imagine. Oh, there's another one here you put? What the fuck? Okay, let's do this one. Driving a bike off a ramp into water. Here we go. Oh, have we not seen this one?

Dude, there's so many videos like this, I can't even. I'm having deja vu. It's crazy. Oh, flipped around, hit the water. Hope they didn't die. Okay, that is an eight. Eight. I'm having deja vu. It's crazy. Oh, flipped around, hit the water. Hope they didn't die. Okay, that is an eight. Eight. Land of the eights.

Because this is not so funny, man. I like when they go like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Or like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Or like, they're like, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam. Now watch it. And then that's the end of the show for YouTube. If you want to catch the uncut episode with no and uh the raw uncut episode go to uh patreon.com and uh you can all get that and for six bucks and also you can get the rest of the episodes we've done like 24 every month there's a episode for patreon you can go get them if you go

subscribe to the patreon for six bucks patreon.com thanks very much guys