Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 304. Bury Me With The Log Cabin

Episode Date: March 9, 2023

😏 If you want totally ads/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris share his success in potty training his son. Plus thoughts on Tom Brady's standup career, Chris Rock's new special and some really great tik tok videos pipsqueak. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Let's go Minneapolis. Let's go Minneapolis. April 1st. Get your tickets to taping on my special. And I will be in Austin soon. And a bunch of different cities. Go to chrislea.com for tickets. By the way, welcome to the episode.

The new episode of Congratulations. Congratulations. I'd be really hitting that duck lip, huh? I'd be really hitting that duck lip. Dude, they really got the, actually, the, they figured the lips out on the chicks, didn't they? The docs finally figured them out, didn't they? Because chicks used to look real bad with the duck lips, and now they don't look so bad anymore. Remember the fake butts, how they were bad? They don't look so bad anymore. You know how you know fake butts don't look so

bad anymore? Because Asian chicks got them, you don't even know. Remember when Asian chicks had no ass? Now they got it. Anyway, dude, let's not talk about that right up front. Usually talk about the dicey stuff later on in the podcast, but I guess we're rip roaring today already. Don't know what it is. Maybe it could be my new coffee maker that I got here in the Benzo cup. I don't know why I have the Mercedes Benz glass. That's a real, real, real stupid thing to have, but he's sipping out of the Mercedes Benz merge, dude. He's got the ice. He made the coffee. Where did he make it from? Oh, the kitchen? No, his bed.

How? An app. Oh, it hurts your feelings, doesn't it? Dude, but then what? Oh, the cup. Oh, but dude, how do you make the coffee? How do you have the cup underneath the thing already? Oh, he set it up last night.

He knew he was probably going to want it when he woke up in the morning. God, he's got foresight, doesn't he? Oh, it hurts your feeling how much foresight he's got, doesn't it? So he put the cup under the thing. First of all, it's called a spin, I think. I don't know what it is. I got it for a Christmas present or a birthday present. No, Christmas present.

Oh, my brother and my wife got it for me. Oh, God, they went in together, dude. Because it's really nice. It makes any kind of coffee you want. And so I got it. And this is not an ad. I shouldn't even be talking about it because they didn't give me any yaper. But I'm saying I put the cup under it at night, went to bed, woke up, hit the thing. And it makes the

skidmer ring sound, too. When it goes off, it goes real loud. It's scary. And went down, picked up the coffee, put the ice in it. and ooh, it's a pour-over. Oh, you know he drinks coffee when he's talking about a pour-over. So anyway, dude, we got the hot merch coming out, crystalia.com. Go get that merch, the congratulations merch. It really do be hitting, dude. It really do be hitting. And the tour-exclusive merch is absolutely hype.

We didn't have it in San Antonio. Feel bad. Didn't come through in San Antonio. People in San Antonioio hit me up like why can't i have it because of the storms baby because of the storms we didn't even have it in louisiana either because of the storms uh but the new tour report is out rhode island uh it's great we brought calvin on stage talked about that already but it was really sweet. Uh, this is the podcast episode, whatever it is. And, uh, we're firing on all syllables, dude. Um, you know, it's, uh, it's been a good week for me. Uh, I'm, oh, also I added shows. I forget to tell you, I added shows in Oxnard, Brea and Irvine, California to, uh, ramp up for my special. So if you're in Southern California, a lot of people

ask about Southern California dates. There they are. There they hardly are. Calvin's potty trained. Dude, you know what the key to potty training is? Wait until they're as old as you can so they understand you. Dude, I have so much foresight. It's crazy. I tried to potty train him when he was one and a half because I was like, I bet my son can

do it early on because you hear about some villages in like India where it's like, oh dude, they're just potty trained from jump. Like they come out and they go where's the toilet um and i don't know why that is too because basically like i think they kind of just poop anywhere in india you know you're because of the dysentery i know i'm being a little bit i'm pushing the envelope here but it is true dysentery is big around there and um so uh, so, uh, wow. I'm looking, I'm literally looking at, oh God, you know what? This is hilarious. I was looking at my notes and I'm like, these notes make no sense. And then I realized that this is my, these are honestly what I'm looking at in my notes

or my therapy notes. I'm like, what, what, what is this depend on me for confidence? What is this? Depend on me for confidence? That's hilarious. Wow. Depend on myself for confidence? What bit is that? So sad.

Don't, don't, don't. Don't try to gain acceptance from outside sources? Have acceptance with myself? What? What is that funny bit that I'm trying to? Oh, yeah. It's my sad notes. Oh, yeah. It's my notes.

It's my sad notes that my CSAT told me to do. Oh. Oh, certified sex addiction therapist. Oh, that's what CSAT said for didn't know until recently. Oh. So anyway, what was I talking about? What was I talking about before I got sidetracked here? We don't know.

Do you know why? Took two gabapentins last night. Had to. Restless leg syndrome was also really be hitting. Oh, it's not. Wow, it's not even plugged in. It's not plugged in and it's all good. But yeah, you probably heard it off the...

I tried to do the Jeremy Renner sting. Thanks, bro. Take these off because it makes a really loud noise. We do it. We do it how we do it. Does it work? There it is. Just as loud as we want it to.

But yeah, so potty trained my son. That's what it was. And we're back. And we're back. Sorry for that little gap. But that break brought to you by that break brought to you brought to you by Gabapentin. Take two. Forget words.

Brought to you by Gabapentin. It helps with anxiety and absolutely ruins word recall. Gabapentin. Long fly ball deep to center and he's out. And absolutely ruins word recall. Gabba Penton. Long fly ball deep to center, and he's out. Side retired. This game is brought to you by Gabba Penton. So anyway, that's what you do, dude. I tried to potty train my son at one and a half, and I go like this.

You know what? Never mind, because he just sat there for like a really long time. And I'm like, uh, really good with it too. Like I'll sit with him. I just love, like, I love it. I love it so much of just being anywhere, uh, dad. And, um, and so he, uh, now he's three and I say, you know, I started prepping him. I'm like, you know, you're three now. First of all, he said, before he turned three, he was like, I I say, you know, I started prepping him. I'm like, you know, you're three now.

First of all, he said before he turned three, he was like, I was like, you know, we got to potty train you too. And he's potty train you soon. And he said, no, I potty train when I'm free. And I'm like, wow, okay. So he turned three and I started like wetting his appetite for it. I was like, you know, we're going to pretty soon get rid of the diapers. Dude took off his diaper. And I said, tell me next time you got to go pee.

And he goes like this. A few minutes later, got to go pee. I said, really? Go sit on the toilet. He did it, peed, and we made such a big. Dude, it was like the coffin dance. With the coffin. I was with five other Nigerians, just so happy that my son peed in the plastic toilet.

That wasn't even real. And then three pees later, he's still doing it. And then I go upstairs for a little bit and I hear, oh my God, good job by Kristen. And I said, what? I ran down. He said, he pooped in there. And he said, dad, look. And I pooped. And there were two different colors of poop. Because sometimes he's constipated and it's pebbles. And then under that is the liquid part. Whatever, dude. If you don't have a kid, you don't know.

But so now he's completely potty trained. It took two hours. That's how good it is to wait. So all you got to do is wait for the kid to understand that this is what you, because you try to took a one and a half year old. You're like, yo, you got to pee. You got to poooo in the potty, and they just don't know what you mean. Three, now he knows. Like I said, my son said the word actually the other day.

I'm like, all right, if you say the word actually, we got to potty train. You know, you got no business. I don't mean to talk about my kids so much, but dude, it's just, I don't care, man. I love it. And it's my life now, honestly. So, so that's cool. And it's my life now, honestly. So that's cool. So that's cool.

Been, you know, sobriety's good. It's, you know, it's always a struggle, but it's good. Get lost in my thoughts sometimes. Just fantasizing, you know, going a little bit, oh, you know what? I got to depend on me for confidence. That's what it is, too. That's what it is, too. Because also when I was in rehab, I wasn't doing any, any sort of, I didn't have any sort of distraction. Like that was the, that was a real hard thing to do. No distraction, zero distraction, no phone, dude, zero distraction. You know what the distraction

was? Thoughts. You ever have to distract your thoughts with thoughts? I did for over 30 days. And I realized I was going to bed and I was, I was just like, I would just like think of things that like, uh, you know, I had no business thinking of just like, you know, fantasizing or whatever. And I'd be like, dude, why am I doing this? I'm doing this because I'm uncomfortable here in this basically, you know, halfway house with derelicts. And so, you know, I had roommates and I was sleeping in like a twin bed and I felt uncomfortable, baby. Yes. And so what I did was I would distract myself with thoughts. And then I was like, why am I doing this, dude? I'm doing this because I don't want to feel the fear. Yes, dude. And so what I did was I thought about other

things and then I caught myself and I was like, dude, let's just feel the feelings. Grab myself the same. Yes, dude. It's all good, my babies. It's what's real is what's funny. That's what they say. So like and subscribe. I don't know what else you want, dude.

But let's grow this cult, man. Because, dude, and I'm not showing you. You can look at my Instagram and I don't want to. But, dude, I'm yatted. I mean, dude, he's yatted up now for real. He's yatted up for real. He's got an actual house on him. What? The only other guy who's got a house on his arm is Joel Kinnaman. Dude, what? He's like the comedic Joel Kinnaman. What? Years ago, I saw Joel Kinnaman had a house on his arm and I commented,

he's got a, oh, you got a whole house on your arm? And he wrote, yeah, I got a house tattoo. And I go, okay, forgot about it for years. And then I got a house on my arm, but it's not only house, is it? It's a log cabin because we're in the tall grass and we share ideas. And now we got a blueprint for it, don't we, babies? We got a blueprint. It's right there. Bury me with the log cabin. You understand? Bury me with the log cabin.

You can't not. Unless, of course, I die by getting my arms sewn off. Saw it off, rather. So, yeah. Bury me with the log cabin. But so, anyway, dude, my son's potty trained. I got a tattoo of a house on me and my wife is eight months pregnant. Other than that, that's what's going on. Those are the greatest things. Yeah, dude. And oh, and also Tinkerbell's

black and I'm for it. I don't care. I like it. You know me, right? You know me. I don't want just, I don't want only cartoons to be switched up to black people. I want every role to be only black people. So I don't even have to think about ever being in a movie ever again or a TV show. I want them to make a legitimate TV series about Abe Lincoln and have Taye Diggs play Abe Lincoln. And then it's like, well, but it doesn't make sense because he was the one who abolished it. Yeah, okay. I don't care, dude. I want everybody in the thing to be.

I want 12 Years a Slave. I want Chadwell Chatway to play the guy. And then I want all the other people to also. I wanted the James, who's the guy in Boston Legal? James Spader? I want that part to be black. Is he in it? No, he's in Abe Lincoln.

I messed up. Now I'm racist against white guys. But yeah, dude. I just, I want it all. Because here's the thing. They made Tinkerbell black. And now you cannot, and I said I wouldn't say the W-O-K-E word anymore

on this podcast for this episode only because I say it so much, but you just, they eat their own. You can't. Dude, they tried to do that and now the W-O-K-E people are like, you know what? Yeah. Oh, you're making the cartoon. Why can't we get our own? So it's like, dude, and half of them are white people saying it. So it's like, you can't win. So just keep it how it is or switch the whole thing. The whole thing. There should not be white people doing anything anymore. Anything.

Dude, I want all the jobs to be – forget it. I'm in, dude. Make Tinkerbell, make Peter Pan, make them all people of color. That's what I want, dude, and I won't be happy until, I won't rest until, honestly. I won't rest until Peter Pan is being played by Mindy, whatever that woman is called. What's her name? Mindy Kaling. Is that the woman from the Mindy Kaling show? The what show? Oh, Scooby-Doo. Veldoo velma right is she velma oh there you go velma was right right and now she's good dude he didn't even know he fell into it and what i care my son's potty trained dude i'm done i'm having another one we're having baby

we're having another baby so and you know that but uh yeah so Tinkerbell's black and I'm all for it um you know what they should do honestly just make the two of the same movies one with white one with black and then one with Asian and then one with whatever that's how that that's actually how it used to be huh they just be America was just the ones where they just make the white movies, and then they would probably make other movies in other places that were other people with other colors were. But whatever, dude. I don't know, man, anymore. It's okay.

It's going to be fine. You know why it's going to be fine, too? Is because Tom Brady has announced he wants to do stand-up. Why do you – why – look. Tom Brady has announced he wants to do stand-up. Look, if you're the greatest football player of all time, or if you're a football player, after that, only either be an announcer or open up some sort of warehouse that sells suits, right? That's it. That's it. Or have a restaurant, maybe, even though that's kind of

annoying, but use your name for something. Dude, stand-up comedy. Why do people think, and I don't, I'm not one of those guys that thinks that, oh, great, Tom Brady's doing stand-up. This is the death of stand-up comedy. Dude, I don't care about that. The whole hip-hop is dead thing is stupid, right? Hip-hop is real. It's just not what's getting the clicks, which is fine. I mean, there's still Nas out there doing that thing, but it like you know papoose isn't really around anymore and he was true hip-hop i got a fitted hat on my head a fitted hat on my head um what was that i got my hater blockers on block them out i got my haters he was real hip-hop dude papoose what happened to him man oh i loved that song anyway um so but yeah i'm real hip-hop i believe hip-hop but so uh tom

brady is has announced he wants to do stand-up uh he he's not doing sports anymore he wants to focus on his stand-up career which is hilarious. That'd be like, like, think about how silly that sounds. If I was just all of a sudden, like, dude, I really want to focus on my architect career. I don't have one. Tom Brady throws footballs and you don't have to be like, yeah, I really want to focus. I want to focus on my chef career, honestly. Oh, I don't cook, dude. He did it zero times. Ah, career. I don't know why people get so successful in their thing and then want to do something else. Dude, before that happens to me, bury me.

Because, like, you figured out what you do. You're the goat. There you go. Even God up in heaven is like, I gave him a golden arm this is so annoying even god is like god damn it comrade are you serious tom oh god i would kill him but then everyone would kill him early but then there would be like a whole thing about it it'd be so annoying i'd have to keep watching specials about it be all over the news i don't i'm so pissed off devil can you get your claws in them i've been working on it but it just seems so goddamn perfect so now he's doing stand-up comedy and he's talking to Netflix about doing what I do. So anyway, you ever been on the 25-yard line?

And yeah. Giselle just at home, just getting pipe laid on her. You saw her going out the other night? She was just dancing so hard. Man, Giselle's really a hot ticket. She is, right? She was out having fun in like some box seat, just dancing around. Man, when your wife is so hot, here's the thing. Tom Brady's the goat. When your wife is so hot and then she, and you're both famous and then she, you guys break up and then you got to see viral videos of her doing a mom, dancing to Mambo number five with like some skater boys oh my god

dude no one wants to do stand-up comedy these guys just everyone thinks they're joe rogan they think they could do anything there's two guys who can do anything joe rogan and bo jackson and where'd bo end up, right? Remember those pictures of him with the football thing on and he's just... I mean, even Deion Sanders couldn't really do it all. He tried.

He's good. He's good at announcing. But anyway, dude, Tom Brady's going to do stand-up. Can't wait for it. Can't wait for it. Even though I think a black guy should have that job.

I just think it's absolutely phenomenal. Dude, my son was, he's been like regressing on the sleep schedule a little bit, like finally, like he's been sleeping so great. And now he, I don't know if he's getting scared or it's the separation anxiety, but like he goes, we put him to bed and he's been like, will you lay with me for a bit? And my, my wife who will

do that, I say like, yo, babe, I think that we got to like, not do that because if we, we got to curb it quick, because if we get into a habit of doing it, then it's going to be even harder to curb. And she's like, okay, you're right. Okay. So I said, I'll tell you what, I'll do the, And she's like, okay, you're right. Okay. So I said, I'll tell you what, I'll do the, I'll do the, uh, you pottied. Oh, did you go with number one or number two? You did pee pee.

Amazing. Well, don't come in. Don't come in. Cause he's got his underwear on. Right. Do you want pee pee? Yes, dude. Yes. Oh, he just went like that as he was leaving love you um wow that's amazing dude he

went peepee um but uh oh that's so cute so uh wow that's awesome, um, so he's been like, I don't know if it's, so, so I said, so I said to my wife about the sleeping thing, um, about the sleeping thing. Uh, I was like, uh, I was like, well, man, that totally messed me up. That's so awesome. That's so awesome. He did it without me. Um, that he, that I was like, I'll take care of this, him going to sleep. I'll do it. Right. Cause I don't have shows in, in town right now. Cause I'm just doing the road. And like, I just love, I just want to be at home. So I'm like, I'm here at night. Cause also he's got late, late hours because he's got, he's on comic time. So I'm like, why don't I do it? So I've been like putting in the bed and he would be like, will you lay with me for a bit? And I'll say, buddy, so I'm not going to do that because, um, I don't want to, uh, you need to go to bed.

Cause I think you can do it. You're a big boy, right? Can you at least try? And he'll say, okay. And then he'll say, can you leave the door open for a bit? And so, oh, can you leave the door a little bit open? That's what he says. So I leave the door open now. And so what happens is I'll hear like pitter patters and he'll be running into my room. It's so, so hilarious, dude. Because one time I walked out of his room, I started walking downstairs and I heard, and he was running to my room.

And I was like, buddy, I'm over here. And he looked at me and he was like, oh. And it was just really, really, because I used to be so scared when I was a kid. Still am. So, still think about Skin and Meringue. So, watched it three weeks ago. Can't go to bed with the baby monitor on

because it makes the same noise as Skinner ring. So anyway, I brought him, I put him down and then I said, I'll leave the door a little bit open. Stay here. If you need to, if it's necessary, all you got to do is call for me. I'll come right in. So I walk out of the door and I remember one time when I was a kid and my dad said, buddy, you got to go to school. And I didn't want to, I was scared of everything. I was way

more scared than Calvin was about everything. I was so scared. I was scared about, I didn't sleep through the night until I was 13. Whoops, admitted it. Would call my parents in a room every night until I was 13. Whoops, admitted it. One time tried to sleep over Chris Siegel's house. Couldn't do it. Had to go to the bathroom. Wouldn't go to the bathroom because I was too scared. Woke up in the middle of night with a log of shit halfway coming out of my ass. Whoops, admitted it. Okay. So, and that's why they call it dirty jurors so so i i was um and so i stand outside of the door and i wait for him to say dad and i come in and say hey buddy and he says what you doing and i was like i'm just watching tv and he says that's interesting and i'm like okay buddy well i'm gonna go out if you need me just call me he says okay i walk out two minutes later dad i pretend like i'm not standing right there because i don't want him to think i'm right

there so then i wait a little bit and then i walk in and say hey buddy he said what you doing i said i'm just going downstairs to watch tv he says okay anyway uh the other day i finally was like because i don't want to be like hey are are you like, because I don't want to be like, hey, are you scared? Because then I don't want to introduce that thought into his mind in case he's not scared. He just doesn't want to go to sleep and he's crying because he doesn't want to go to sleep. So finally, I was like, buddy, so what is the deal? Why do you not want to go to bed lately? What's going on?

And he was like, oh, I don't know. You leave the door a little bit open. And I said, is it maybe that you're like scared of something? And he says, yes. I said, are you scared? And he said, yes. I said, of what? And he said, spiders in my womb. And I said, oh, buddy, well, you don't have to worry about spiders. Spiders, first of all, there's no spiders in your room. Second of all, spiders are our friends. They eat other insects that are like, you know, annoying and stuff. And he said, really? I said, yeah. So you're scared of spiders? And he said, yeah. And I said, oh, well, you don't have to stuff. And he said, really? I said, yeah. So you're scared of spiders? And he said,

yeah. And I said, oh, well, you don't have to be. And he said, can we get one tomorrow? I said, you want to get a pet spider? He said, yes. So now here's the deal. I'm terrified of spiders. Okay. I got to get a fucking spider now because my son wants a pet spider. He won't stop talking about it. Can we get a pet spider? So now, now oh he turned it on its ass now it's me who's scared now i'm scared of spiders whoops i admitted it but i am dude and i kept that close to the chest it gets like i don't want fans coming up to me being like here look here look right here look at the spider look the way they hold it here look here he is oh there he is there he is in their mouth so now i gotta get a hairy you know what i mean we're not getting a spider but he wants a spider and i fucked up by asking him if he was scared so now i'm confronted with my scariness and that ain't and that's what it's like being a father, dude.

And now I got to, sometimes I sit with him and his, and guess what? I can turn my baby monitor off in my room. But guess what I can't do? Turn the sound machine off in his room. So now I got the, that's the same noise as skinny ring. I'm actually scared in the bed with Calvin. And I'm scared because I'm there. And he's scared because he's there.

And we're both sitting there scared as shit. And I'm not lying to you either. I get freaked out. And mom's eight months pregnant in the bed just like this. Just sleeping with like listening to some murder podcast or something on the com app this is the com app by the way this is the other day here hold on this is the other day i laughed so hard because let me send it to you i got it right here i left so hard because she's listening to the com app. Where's the Lifeline

check? Where's the Dude, when is the last time we texted on Lifeline? Oh, I'm pissed. Oh, I'm pissed. There it is. Dude, got it. So here's the deal. This is what we played.

Just listen to this. This is so awesome. Hi there. what we played just listen to this this is so awesome hey there my name's chips okara k dude chips also hey there my name's chips okara k, his family was at a sale for syllables. I will take the K. You know what? I'll take two Ks. A rear O. You got an O there.

And then what do you have left over? Chibs? Oh, I'll use that for the first one. So Chibs O'Kerrike. Okay. We'll make it Chibs O'Kerrike. He came back with a bunch of syllables. Look what I got, family.

Ray O'K, two Ks, and then a Chibs. And they go, Dad, what are we going to make with that? I don't know. These were the sale, and we don't have much money. What can we make? And then the phone rang. And they were like, what do we say? What? Hello?

Hey there. My name's Chibs Okarike. And they were like, you did it! Dude, Chibs Okarike! Hello, Chibs resident. Hello, O'Curry-Kay residents. Chibs. Dude, Chibs is his name.

That's great. Do you know how much? I'm going to name my second child Chibs. Chibs D'Elia. What kind of, what's the origin for that? It sounds like really really distinguished and we were laughing about it the last night and then kristen's like how did he still makes it sound he's the guy's sexy hey there my name is chibs okarake hey there my name is shithead

my name is shithead splooge a lot. Hi there. My name is shithead splooge a lot. Splooge, dude. Wow, man. How do you... Hi there. Chibs. What?

You know, dude, it would be so annoying to have a name where people there, Chibs. What? You know, dude, it would be so annoying to have a name where people go, what? Afterwards. What? Dude, what? My wife the other day said, what do you think of the name? Because, you know, we don't know what we're going to name the second kid yet. We have a few names that are kind of, you know, contenders. But she says, what do you think of the name?

And when she does it,'m like this better be good Because for some reason guy names are terrible They're all terrible Names for like girls They're awesome We got a list of them we're not having girls So She's like what about the name Ledger

And I was like no I don't like names that are things You know what I'm saying? It's like naming your son camera. Like just Tim is fine. The only thing worse than that is a name where you'd have to be like, it's what? The whole night, the whole life, night, you know? what? The whole night. The whole life, night, you know? So anyway. Hey there. My name is Chibs O'Kerrike. Dude,

just so... Hey there. My name's Chibs O'Kerrike. Tonight we're gonna do something called progressive... Hey there. My name is Chibs O'Kerrike. My family bought these syllables long ago.

They had a sale on O-K-C-H-I-B-S-R-E. And that's it. We jumbled them up, and now I'm Chibs O'Kerrykay. My son, Rito Chibs O'Kerry K my son Rito Chibs KK is Rito Chibs KK wow when I woke up this morning I never thought I'd say that Ribs To Chib KK

anyway dude that's the dumbest thing we've ever done on this podcast it's all good it was still dude I was watching it's still not as dumb as the hype show on hbo max i love hbo max hbo max the hottest shit hbo max is the hottest shit i mean every character is either you know gay or trans and that's fine but dude when i'm all for it like hbo max is the shit and um they want so there's one show called hype on it and they got uh it has um what's his name offset or whatever hey there my name is offset i bought set and off at the

store it was either set off or offset set off made too much sense um by the way if you want to impress black people just mention the movie set it off and they'll be like oh shit how you know set it off how you know that one oh i said set it off in front of two black people the other day and they go are you for real who the hell are you chibs o'carrickay so um what was i saying about the oh yeah i was watching this thing and it's basically offset is on it and then two designers and uh and one is from who made union los angeles uh the the comp the brand and then the other one who is a stylist for like kaylee Jenner and Chibs O'Kerry Kay. I don't know.

And so it's a competition show where these people just kind of have a compete to who's the best designer with fashion. And you know what, dude? Straight up, I'm actually done talking about it. I'm not doing talking about it. I'm not doing it, dude. I don't want to. We make up our minds as we go.

I don't want to talk about it anymore, dude. And that's fine, okay? But it's a movie on HBO, a show on HBO Max. I started watching it on the airplane, and it was, dude, I don't want to talk about it. And it was good. There were moments and shit, and like, some of the outfits were ridiculous. And also, I get it. But also, I kind of want to dress like Offset, dude.

Man, I want to dress like Offset. That dude is handsome. I didn't know he was handsome, bro. I just think of them as that goofy rap group. But like, God, man. Offset really do be killing it, man. And he knows his fashion shit. But I'm not talking about it. and he knows his fashion shit,

but I'm not talking about it. Hi there. My name is Chibs O'Kerrykay. I opened the bar Moose McGillicuddy's. That was a bar in Pasadena, California, and I would go sometimes, and I would go, and we would hang out. And one time, there was the – I mean, I must have been 23, and there was the hottest chick there, and she was dancing, and we were hanging out dancing, I guess, dancing at a bar. I think I was, which it didn't even sound right for me, but I was 23. It was a long time ago. And she was like, I want to hang out with you.

And I was like, what? Like I wasn't famous then. I was like, what? She was like, I want to hang out with you. I want to go home with you. And I was like, to where? My parents' house? Like I didn't live at my parents' house anymore, but I lived in Burbank,

and that was the driveway. And I was like, you do? And she was like, yeah. And I was like, and I actually was like, I don't think I can,

and I didn't. And why? Dude. Why didn't I? Hmm. 34-year-old me would have smashed it into oblivion. 23-year-old me was a little bitch was i scared was she made of spiders

dude so i didn't do it shoulda didn't all good but that man i'm talking about the two times and then one time i was in vanc I was 19. I was at a bar. And man, this woman came up to me, older than me. And she was like, what's up? And I mean, I'm talking about, dude. Her figure was like hourglass. No. It was like a whole three hours right and i do and and i and i was like what's up and she was like take me back to your hotel room and i was like and i was shooting

a movie and i was like okay and she's like let's go and i was like yeah let's go. And I was like, yeah, let's go. And then I left and didn't do it, dude. She was not a 10. She was a whole 11, and I just bitched out, and I'm just like, huh, I regret those two. Ay, yes! But we didn't do it. Why, dude?

What was her name? I don't remember. But then I saw her later on in Hollywood. She was like, sup? And I was like, oh, sup? I'm grown now. And we never did it! Yes, dude!

All good. We can regret things, but not that. But it's, you know. Man, if I was Jim Zocariai, I would have cleaned up, dude. Imagine how much tail you get. Your name is Chibs. I remember I would think like, look, obviously I got a lot of, you know, I did fine in my day. But, uh, when I was, I would think, man, you know, the only way I would get laid more would be if my name, I actually thought this was true. I thought my brain is, I thought the only time, the only time I would get laid more,

the only thing that would help me is if my name was Oliver. It's a thing I thought. And I was like, if my name was Oliver, dude, just straight up, just me, my sex life, but just superimposed, just forget it, dude, for real. Like my just superimposed with the graphs going up and me just, no, not that way. Just absolutely just, my name was oliver and then i met a guy named spencer once and i was like dude if my name was spencer dude or oliver dude are you are you kidding i wouldn't even need legs because i'd be laying down forever it would just be oh my gosh i'd be a ride.

It would be insane. Forget it. I could just be, you know what? My home, my name, my name was Spencer or Oliver. My name could have just been horizontal because dude, that's all I'd be. Horizontal D'Elia just. No legs D'Elia just. He don't need them, though. Why?

Ha, ha, ha. Just straight up, man. File's done. Love it. My favorite on the soundboard dude um yeah man it we're at the point where you know what if you i have such i'm so dumb dude there was a guy with a cleft lip in my high school that was like the older dude that was like the cool dude and he had a cleft lip and he

got it the surgery and he looked real nice with it with the scar and i was like that's the guy bro that's the guy that's gonna clean up he may not clean up now in high school i guarantee this dude this dude is gonna need to bring towels everywhere wherever this guy goes because also he played soccer that's a dark horse spot that's a dark horse sport where you get the most tail soccer because it's baseball yeah basketball yeah we get Yeah, we get it. Football, the main ones. But soccer, dude? The chicks go, oh, really? I don't really know it.

I don't know. And then you got a cleft lip, dude? I guarantee that dude is dead now because of too much. Anyway, man, it's just like are the things these are the things i would busy myself thinking about this uh chris rock special i did not see it but i saw the um thing about will smith dude he went hard in the paint it was at the last five minutes of the special is what i heard i don't know but i just saw a clip online that's first of all brilliant to put at the last five minutes

because he's like everyone's like waiting for it and then he did and he was calling will smith a bitch in it and i was like wow that's hard that's hard as fuck and of course it was shitty that will smith did that and you know if you're gonna smash somebody in the in the uh if you're gonna smack somebody in the face then and do a do a one of the best comedians in the, in the, uh, if you're going to smack somebody in the face, then, and do a, do a, uh, one of the best comedians in the world, you know, he's obviously going to talk about it and make fun of you. So Will Smith is weathering a few, uh, probably

weathering the storm right now, but, um, yeah. Uh, yeah, he, he went hard. You guys should watch at least that part. i didn't see the rest of it so i don't know uh chris rock's one of my favorites though and uh he was uh i mean he was like talking about how uh will smith wow this is the worst recap of all time but i'm just like thinking about it like you just call him a bitch and shit and it was so funny uh and that's it dude and i don't want to talk about it anymore and shit. And it was so funny. And that's it, dude.

And I don't want to talk about it anymore. And I do what I want. So, but yeah, I know people are probably going to be like, what do you think about the Chris Rock thing? So that's what I think about it. It was funny. He's hilarious. And it's tough for, what do you call it?

Will Smith? No, probably because of that. I watched some of the Alex Murdoch thing. he was found guilty alex murdoch is it murdoch they say on the documentary say murdoch and then they also say alec so it's like his name is alex murdoch and they say murdoch in the documentary they add a k and then drop the x for alec. So it's like, dude, but it's A-L-E-X. No wonder this guy fucking wound up killing his family.

Guy's got a fucking, you know, Murdoch, but Alec's Murdoch. But Alec Murdoch, huh? That's enough to start stabbing, honestly. Dude, obviously, I don't know if he did got found guilty i guess he did it so but dude the fucking i was watching a documentary with my wife my wife and i don't i don't like to watch those things man they're just so like they're all the same how many murder documentaries are gonna watch you know like they're every it's like every every every fucking day and a half net Netflix is like, the fucking Sam fucking Jones murders. And you're like, who's this guy?

I think they're just making up people at this point. It's like just AI. You're like watching the thing. You're like, is this a real guy or did AI do this one? And it shows a picture of him. He's got seven fingers. You're like, this is AI. Hey, why can't AI catch up on the finger game

this is what everybody's hands look like in ai this is one hand you follow ai nah nine fingers on like an old lady get with it dude and like a tit on the side of her face what's wrong with ai ai i get it together dude um so they're making him up dude so we watch him and so i kept i kept doing it with the uh murdoch whatever the fuck his name is and i I kept saying like, God, he is handsome to her. And he is so like the ugliest guy in the world. You know, like if you were to like scientifically figure out the ugliest person, he would be in top 10, right?

It'd be him, Kenneth Branagh, and anyone else who's pasty with red hair. You know, like the ugliest guys have kind of red hair. You know? Like, the ugliest guys have kind of red hair. You know what I'm talking about, dude? Like, kind of red hair and if you do that to their,

anywhere on their body, it immediately turns pink. Those are the ugliest guys. And that guy just, and then he made two more people like that, what man, if you're like a kind of ginger, and you marry a kind of ginger, don't procreate dude, they're gonna be in the top 10, so then the kid was just like nutso dude, and just ran, I mean he didn't even run people over, he fucking used a boat to kill people, which is crazy, dude. That's so rich. That's so rich to kill someone on your boat.

Wow. That sucks, man. That whole thing sucks, dude. My heart goes out to the little, was it in high school or was she in college or whatever it was, man. My heart goes out to her. That's rough, man. I don't know how these families deal with that shit. I don't know how they deal with it. I don't know how they deal with it, man. Like, I cannot. God bless, man.

These people who live through those things, like the families who live through those things, they are a special type of person. They are a strong person. I guess you just have to keep moving forward, but oh my god, dude. A lot of people die on Tom's eyes more. We knew that guy was going to die though, right? We knew he wasn't going to get to 70.

He was 61. He was fucking great. He was a great actor. He was in Saving Private Ryan. He was like such a good actor, and then he would do movies where he was like, I don't care what the script is. What are they paying me? You know what?

I don't even care. Let me just do it. They're paying me 40 grand for three months work in New Zealand, and it's about a what? A killer pumpkin? I don't give a fuck, man. I'll go. Do I have's about a what? A killer pumpkin? I don't give a fuck, man. I'll go. Do I have to wear a shirt?

You know? And then like there was a thing like in 2000 and... I don't know. I actually shouldn't talk about that because he's Tom Sizemore and he just died. But Tom Sizemore is... He was great. He was a great actor. RIP Tom Sizemore and he just died. But Tom Sizemore is, he was great. He was a great actor.

R.I.P. Tom Sizemore. What's this here? This is something Juan Fire sent me. Who's this guy? Jared Boys on TikTok. Come on. Won't go. Great. Ivan did it.

Oh, Chrome. It is Chrome. Oh, here we go. It won't play for some reason. That's great. Yes. Yes. Dude, my drunk girls thing went fucking super viral again on TikTok. Your boy can't stop fucking problem, dude? Let's fucking handle this.

You want to handle it? Are you serious, bro? Who comes up to somebody in the giant when they're getting steak and tries to cause a problem? And no offense to you. I'm not causing a problem, buddy. You're in the way. Look, look, look. I'm in the way? Yeah. Well, I'm sorry my shoulders are bigger than your fucking whole body, dude. Smash him. What's with your friend, bro?

I don't know. Ask this guy. Yeah, what'd you do? Yeah, walk off, Pipsqueak. Yeah, who is this Pipsqueak. I don't know. I don't know him. Are you kidding me? How much do you even weigh?

Weight doesn't matter, buddy. Okay. That's it. I'm sure you're a champion fighter. Yeah. How'd you know, buddy? I'm a UFC champion. Wow, dude. Oh, I got to gotta watch that again that's fucking actually hilarious hey man you're in the way of the steak bro tough guy not the

only one getting watched tough guy not the only one getting steak tonight buddy what's up i'm saying watch a tough guy we're being dead serious we're talking talking about it. No, I'm being serious. I'm trying to get some steak, but that's all. It's actually so confusing the way he's doing it. And this guy has no idea what's happening. That's so funny, dude. Yo, watch out, tough guy. You're not the only one getting steak tonight. No, I'm being dead serious, man.

I'm just trying to get some steak tonight. We got to play more. Are there more of these there's so many oh let's look at more bro this guy Jerry boys let's look at another one here oh the look on this guy's face already

here we go why does it take a long time to do it I'm pissed I'm pissed. I'm pissed. Why is it taking so long? Oh, this is great. How long is it taking?

Why is it taking so long? Yeah, I'm on the right network, dude. It's my Wi-Fi, dude. I live here. He says, are you on the right network? Who says says are you on the right network? Who says are you on the right network when it's my house dude? I have two networks. That's true. They're both good right?

Which one of them is bad? Say it quiet so they don't hear it so no one hacks into my shit. Oh I'm on the bad one. How's it going young buck? Not much man. I remember when I was your age. Oh, I'm on the bad one. How's it going, young buck? Hey, what's up? Not much, man. I remember when I was your age.

No, seriously. You remember the time when you were my age? Yeah, man. Good years those were. Yeah, how old are you? I'm 56 right now, so. Oh, I see you're 56. Huh?

You're not even 20 yet. Oh, appreciate the compliment, sir. You know how it is? You're 20? Huh? You're not even 20 yet. Oh, I appreciate the compliment, sir. You're not really. You're 20? Huh? You're 20? No, I'm 56. No, you're not.

How could you say so, buddy? Come on now. Because you don't look 20 anyway. How can you be 56? I appreciate that, man. I get that a lot, man. Yeah. You know, you eat healthy.

You smoke dope, man. Oh, I smoke dope. I'll do it for you yeah thank you man but yeah man enjoy your day young buck you too thank you wow dude i gotta follow this guy okay i'm on the bad wifi i'm gonna get on a good wifi uh i'm on the good one the ultimate there's another ultimate one? Oh, dude, he's hiding Wi-Fi's?

This guy's hiding Wi-Fi's in my own house? You're going to give me another one, another good one from the... Look at these guys, dude. These are hilarious. Let me look at the ones that got the... This one's got a lot of things. All right, let me do this one.

Here we go. Oh, this Wi-Fi sucks too. It's not doing it. All right, let me do this one. Here we go. Oh, this Wi-Fi sucks too. It's not doing it. I gotta follow this. Jerry Boy's on TikTok. Holy shit, dude. That's funny. I'm not,

I gotta get on it. I gotta, it's not doing it. It's not doing it, dude. What's wrong with this Wi-Fi? Because I'm pissed. My computer. I gotta pissed. My computer. I got to get a new computer.

It hasn't been updated for like six years. Here we go. Watch it, tough guy. Here we go. Watch it, pipsqueak. Wow. Oh, watch it, tough guy. Just so...

Watch it, pipsqueak. I mean, so dick. Just so dick, dude dude to be doing that oh here this has 1.3 million this will be good wow the guy's got the tree tattoos on his arm you know that guy that's so funny so this one's jerry boys it's called i don't know it says pipsqueak on the thing come on i mean pipsqueak who calls someone pipsqueak that's so funny yo watch it pipsqueak on the thing. Come on. I mean pipsqueak. Who calls someone pipsqueak? That's so funny. Yo, watch it, pipsqueak. Here we go, waiting for it to play for some reason. It's great.

It's great because we're waiting for it to play. That's great, dude. Thanks for sitting with me, guys. Like and subscribe at this point. Watch the pipsqueak. Here we go. Watch the pipsqueak. What? You heard me.

I mean so dick wow that's really how is the guy doing it so funny oh my god he's stuck in an elevator with this guy okay here we go ladies first ladies first no I'm saying you you can go ladies first ladies first no i'm saying you you can go ladies first yeah wow

all right there's gonna say like thanks lady at the end that would have been amazing all right let me go here he says another one uh one fire sent me another good one here we go OneFire sent me another good one. Here we go. Excuse me, Pipsqueak. You're talking to me? Yeah. Don't call me Pipsqueak.

It's not a problem, right? Nah, you can walk around, though. Around? Yeah. Why is that? Nah, but you're in the way, bro. Don't call me Pipsqueak, though. Alright. Just respect me.

Alright, can I get around Pipsqueak? Uh-uh. Beat it, dog. Alright right can we restart no you're in the way bro don't call me no more names all right pipsqueak i'm just trying to get by that's all then get by there that's some but you're in the way sucker goodbye oh come on. Go, man. Can we restart? No. Dude, that one's good. Oh, shit. Excuse me, Pipsqueak.

You're talking to me? Yeah. Don't call me Pipsqueak. It's not a problem, right? Nah, you can walk around, though. Around? Yeah. God, I want to see what this guy looks like. I mean, the guy's going to get laid out. He's going to get laid out.

That guy was huge, bro. Here we go. I mean, this one says 50 Cent Son. Out the way, Pipsqueak. I said out the way, Pipsqueak. That's so disrespectful to not even say the whole sentence. I'm saying you're a pipsqueaker in my way say excuse me all right bro next time i'll say excuse me pipsqueak right say that now all right you see me doing something right what are you doing are you shopping your window shopping bro

oh my god, dude. Out the way, Pipsqueak. Out the way, Pipsqueak. Out the way, Pipsqueak. Out the way, Pipsqueak. Yeah. I don't get it. I'm saying you're a Pipsqueaker in my way.

Say excuse me. All right, bro. Next time I'll say excuse me, Pipsqueak, right? You can say that now. All right. I don't have to move. You see me doing something, right? What are you doing?

Are you shopping? You window shopping? You know? What are you doing? Are you shopping? You window shopping? You know. What are you doing? Are you shopping? You window shopping. It's so funny because you can hear that the guy's nervous doing it. Wow. What?

That guy can get laid out. He kind of deserves to, too. That's crazy. Those are the best three? God, that first one was fucking hilarious. I'm going to watch it again. What does that have to do with me over here looking for steak? No, it's you're in the way, Pipsqueak. That's all. You got a fucking problem, dude? Let's fucking handle this. You want to handle it? Are you serious, bro?

Who comes up to somebody in the giant when they're getting steak and tries to cause a problem? And no offense, dude. I'm not causing a problem, buddy. You're in the way. Look, look, look. I'm in the way? Yeah. Well, I'm sorry my shoulders are bigger than your fucking whole body, dude. Okay, buddy. What's with your friend?

The illest slam. Ask this guy, man. What'd you do? Yeah, walk off, Pipsqueak. The illest slam. Oh my god. Weight doesn't matter, buddy. Okay. That's all right. I'm sure you're a champion fighter. Yeah. How'd you know, buddy? I'm a UFC champion. Oh, my God. I mean, does your friend want something tonight? Also, I want to talk about this, dude.

There's a TikTok. This guy. So, hold on. I want to watch some of this guy's TikToks. You know why dogs are better than cats? Because a cat will try to bite your hand off if you accidentally touch it in the exact wrong spot. But you could smack a dog in the nose and they're like, do you want to play Frisbee? So people are saying that this guy who...

I think I've met him before. I guess he's a successful stand-up comedian. People are saying that he... He's faking the clips like he doesn't have clips of audience members. Is this right? No.

It can't be. Who does that? I hope he's doing that honestly to game the system for real because these clips are so stupid that not his but it's so stupid when you ever listen to a stranger's conversation for so long that you get super into it for 25 minutes i was listening to a girl in a coffee shop cry about her boyfriend until i was like excuse me you don't know me but you need to leave him i can't believe he would treat you like that you are so much better than this he doesn't deserve you do you ever listen to a stranger's conversation it actually does have a weird doesn't it sound maybe his audiences are just fucking killer bro honestly if he's doing this more power to him

it's so stupid these clips on they'll fucking post anything now people these crowd work clips like i discern the shit whether or not i post it if it's good or not i mean there's so many crowd work clips i'm like nah this was not that good i'm not gonna post it people are just like uh hey what do you do for a living on tiktok and then the audience might be like oh dude i'm a chef and someone's like oh what do you make dude pussy and then they'll post it'll be like yo i'm coming in fucking on the thing to be like buffalo new york i'm coming like i don't understand this whole tiktok thing but i post only the good ones on my tiktok and yeah my tiktok goes dummy viral and yeah you know when

i post the shits it goes nuts so but you know it's just like is this guy for is this my buddy sent me this and he's like people think it's a fake do you ever listen to a stranger's conversation for so long he gamed the system good for him if he makes a career off this i'll tell you what i'm buying tickets to his next show and i'm being serious i support this kind of behavior i got so lonely during quarantine that i went on a website for adult videos and in the search box where you type in your fetish, I wrote genuine enthusiasm. Wow. Is it real? What do you guys think? Leave it in the comments. You know what? I'm going to bleep his name out in the podcast because I don't want people to like

get mad at him and stuff. Because I actually, look at the comments, I'll believe it. Maybe it's real. This is funny. Oh, I hope he gets a career for real. He probably already has one, but this is very interesting

because it sounds fake. I am not the most confident person in the entire world. I think that person has got to be the guy who is in charge of web design at Craigslist. This is real. This is real. That dude has never second-guessed himself in his entire life.

This is real, you can tell. They came to this guy like, hey, we are building a brand new website. It's going to connect entire cities. We've been trying to figure out who we want to design it. And we've chosen you. You'll have a team of people at your disposal. Whatever you dream up, we can make.

And the guy was like... This is a funny bit. Website, huh? can make and the guy was like this is a funny bit website huh I got it I want Text. All the same size and color. I'm done. This is a funny bit, dude. That's real. That's a funny bit. Dude, if it's fake, he can actually do it. He can actually do real stand-up.

That's funny. That's weird. That makes me think the other ones are fake. Interesting. That's a funny bit. That's funny. Okay, hold on. I'm going to another one.

I'm like deep in this now. Boy, would I look at that. Honestly, I'm glad I'm watching this on a podcast because if I was watching this in real life, I would spend hours doing this. Yes. Here we go. Here's another one.

You ever try to order from a restaurant, but their website is so frustrating that you just give up and order from somewhere else? I thought I wanted sesame beef, but your shopping cart system is such garbage that suddenly I have a craving for pizza. It just tastes so easy to order. Is that HTML5? Hmm. Interesting. I wonder. Well, I bleeped his name out, okay?

Ivan? I bleeped his name out just so you don't need to know who he is. Because I don't know if that is fake or not, and I don't want to start something. But that was interesting. But that bit was funny. The one that's definitely live is funny. So he can do it. So why would he do the fake one?

Maybe it is real. I don't know. Wow. Yeah, so okay. Well, look, that's good. That's good on you guys. Thank you very much. Appreciate you guys.

I'm going to be shooting my special. Go to Chrisley.com to get tickets. And go to Chrisley.com to get tickets, uh, and go to chrisley.com. I'll be in, uh, you know, um, Austin, Minneapolis. Um, uh, this will come out when, when does this come out? I'll be in, I'll be in Midland. I'll be in Kansas. No, this will come out tonight, Kansas city, uh, and Tulsa, which is a weird market, but I'll be in Tulsa. which is a weird market but I'll be in Tulsa and I got other ones coming up Columbus, Ohio and other ones in Ohio and also Utah and Milwaukee. Alright that's it for the episode on YouTube if you want to

get the raw uncut the unedited episode go to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia that's on my Patreon and there are about 24 episodes that are private for only the Patreon people. You'll get that for just six bucks.

And every month we come out with a new episode that is only on Patreon. And there's other stuff too. I was talking to the Discord on Patreon the other day. We chat. I have a good time. So go on over to Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia and check us out. Thanks. have a good time so gone over to patreon.com saskrista leah and check us out thanks