Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 305. The Mystery Of Love

Episode Date: March 16, 2023

😏 If you want totally ads/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris recounts his travels in Tulsa and Springfield Missouri. He also shares his thoughts on the Oscars, just barely not becoming a hoarder and missed connections! 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk. So welcome to another episode of Congratulations. And she'd be printing. She's printing. Yes, dude. What are you printing? Maybe she's not printing. Okay, well, whatever. We thought the printer was going off. It went off. Sometimes a printer will just relax, you know. You'll be hanging out and all of a sudden your printer will just go, and that's what just happened. Nobody's printed something in weeks, but all good. Yes, Chris D'Elia here. Episode of congratulations, number 300 something. Man, when are we done, you know? Oh, I forgot to wear these. These were on Calvin's party. I wanted to wear these because they're very cool. Wow. These are the...

Wow. Guess how comfortable these are. You know zero comfortable. They're Minecraft sunglasses. They hurt the... Where do they hurt? The bridge of my nose and also my ears. Great.

So, yes. I got the Minecraft sunglasses on. I will be in Minneapolis. I will be in Austin. I will be in... Doing stand-up in all these different places. It's going to be crazy, absolutely. Midland, Texas, Utah, which is getting up there almost sold out. Salt Lake City, they want to come see your boy.

We love it. Milwaukee, Columbus, Ohio, and Cincinnati, Ohio, and a bunch of different places. Go to chrislee.com. We're adding dates. We be adding. We do be adding, dude. We're going to be adding dates. Different spots this summer. We're going to do some casinos. Crazy. We're adding dates. We be adding. We do be adding, dude. We're going to be adding dates different spots this summer.

We're going to do some casinos. Crazy. Extra yaper. Scoop that up. And then also we're going to do some dates in the fall. We don't want to tell anybody, but Nashville. Don't tell anyone.

Probably going to be doing some in Michigan. So chrislee.com, but not yet, but they're not on sale yet, but probably going to do Canada. We're all the major cities and then something don't tell anybody it's a secret so uh anyway uh yeah that's what's up we're probably also going to be doing virginia

don't tell anybody i have no idea what my fan base is like in virginia but it's all good we did tulsa dude and and Tulsa is going through something with the economy, but they still came out. It's all good. They still came out. He kept the seats warm, but not too warm because they stood up at some points. And yeah, man, Tulsa's a great venue. Wow. This is torture. Those sunglasses are

torture. Who makes these, dude? Let me guess where they're made. Let me guess where they're made. Not trying to be a, you know what I mean? Not trying to be, you know, a certain way, but let me guess what they made. They don't even say it. Probably Taiwan. So, got my haircut. Feeling good. I got my haircut because I'm shooting a special.

April 1st, got my haircut, so it'll grow in. By the time it grows in, it's going to be looking absolutely bang. Dude, you should honestly look at my special just to see my haircut. Yeah, got it cut. But, yeah. should honestly look at my special just to see my haircut um yeah got it cut and uh but yeah so um i went to uh oh look i went to uh different spots this week where'd i go it was the uh did i go to texas where the hell was i even i was in i know i was in tulsa before that what kansas city oh and springfield, Missouri, dude. Y'all ever been to Springfield, Missouri?

Oh, yeah, you have. Why is it? Okay, man. When you go to Kansas City, and then you go to Springfield, Missouri, and then you go to Tulsa, you go like this. Well, I'm not going to be having a whole lot of fun. You know? feel Missouri and then you go to Tulsa you go like this well I'm not going to be having a whole lot of fun you know you first of all there's two Kansas cities and you're like which which one am I going to because one of them is actually cool can I say actually because you think Kansas

City thing is a middle of nowhere whatever the fuck and one of them is just one of them has 500,000 people and one of them has 100,000 people and 500 000 people and one of them has 100 000 people and it's just a lot of um what do you call it uh industrial shit now i went to the one that has 500 000 people and it was great had a good show awesome go to kansas city and had had a fun time and then i went to springfield missouri and i go this is already a place I know I can't wait to get out of get to Springfield, Missouri. And when I tell you it's the dark horse city of America, dude, this place was on and popping on and popping and is on and popping and is on and popping. Dude, we went there. It's got nice old fashioned diners. It's got nice, cool, uh, areas that are really hip. It's got an arts district. It's got people that look like they

fucking know what's going on. They're smiling, having a good time. They'll have a conversation with you. It's got people with cool dogs. They literally just have like a hot couple, like a dude and a chick walking around with like a cool dog. And you're like, what kind of dog is that? And they're like a mini boxer. And you're like, I've never even seen one dude, Springfield, Missouri. Now you don't think Springfield is going to be good. Cause why Springfield there's about 50 of them in America, right? When they don't know what to name a town, they go like this Springfield. And then they're like, well, we haven't thought of something better. So yeah, sure. Why not? I mean, every state is a Springfield. How many Springfields are there in, uh, in America, but there is one in Missouri and we went

and we played a little thousand seat theater. Now I understand it in Missouri and we went and we played a little thousand seat theater. Now I understand. It's a little, I say it's a little, if you're Brian Callen, it's a huge venue, but for me, shoulder to shoulder. So we went to Springfield, Missouri and my God, we stayed in a hotel and I go like this, Springfield, Missouri, you have no business having a hotel like this. Where are we? Hollywood? You've got no business. Where are we? Soho? Is this a Soho?

Excuse me. Springfield, Missouri, where are you going? You get the Vandervoort? We're at the Vandervoort Hotel? We go to Vandervoort Hotel? It's got a big V on it. You go in and you go, we got no business. We got no business being here.

Did the show. It was bonkers. Got back back and this is what i did was sometimes i go when the city's not going to be super banging we're not going to have a super banging time when i'm like well there's probably not a place to go eat afterwards so i say let's drive through the night and go to the next city so that's what i chose on doing. I go, hey, I say, Enrique, I say, let's set it up to where let's leave Springfield and go to Tulsa after the Springfield show because Springfield's probably not going to be on and popping. After the show, go back to the hotel. Let me tell you something, dude. Thank God I left because your boy would have gotten in trouble, dude.

The place was so on and popping, it was unbelievable, dude. I mean, I would have become an alcoholic. You know what I mean? Like, it was so good. So many people were there. I mean, you're talking about chicks? Okay, dudes.

Dudes I want to hang with, man. Like, good-looking dudes that smelled nice. Not too nice though, right? Just so good. I was like, let's go, dude. So we went and we started to watch. And we sat in a, what do you call it?

A, one of those sprinter vans. And we went and we watched a TV show. And they were like, what do we want to watch? What bad thing do we want to watch? So I put on The Glory. It's the number three show in Netflix. And it's Korean. And I said, let's watch it.

And they go, oh no, dude. And we were so hooked. I got everybody hooked. Lulu got hooked. David Sullivan got hooked. And now I got a new show, Whoopsie Daisy. I got a new show by mistake, Whoopsie Daisy. I'm the type of guy who put a new show on a van.

So I found that show, great, good. And everybody's hooked on that show, and it's good, got the eyeballs right there, can't really see, drew eyeballs right there, because I started doing this thing to Calvin, hey, what's up, dude, and it's the best thing in the world, because I drew eyeballs on him, and he does it like this, hi, how's it going, and it's the cutest thing in the world, so it's all good, but he loves it, and then he feeds it, and then I go, uh-oh. And I poop it out, and he laughs a lot. Just some dad stuff for you. If you're a dad, that's how it goes. But yeah, we do.

Hey, what's up? No, don't feed me. And I go, oh, man, I'm so full. And I poop out the Cheez-It. Dude, it's so, I mean, it would be like he's watching Don Rickles. He's laughing so hard. So, so yeah, Springfield was amazing. Tulsa was amazing.

And I honestly, I go like this, I'm driving through Tulsa and I say, man, this place is going to be really good in like 10 years. And the driver's like, you said it. And the owner of the theater bought a parking lot 10 years ago for $300,000, for $100,000. And he sold it this last year for a million, for $3 million. And I go, what? And David Sullivan says, hey, man, you should buy a building. Buy a building. Hey, Chris,

buy a building. Buy a building and fix it up and then sell them. I can't afford that. And he says, yes, you can, man. So guess what? Buy a building in Tulsa. Hit up my buddy. Hit up my business manager. I was like, can I buy a building in Tulsa? And he was like, I'd love to know what your idea is. I mean, he's just like, I really hope Chris isn't serious, but I might buy a building in Tulsa. Because I'm telling you, man, Tulsa is going to be one of the best cities.

Maybe I'll just get a compound and we can all do that. I'll move the cult in there and just kind of, you know what I mean? Just kind of, you know, chill in the building in Tulsa, just sitting. Whatever, dude. I don't know. I don't know what you want from me, man. But I'm super sore because I was working out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, I did. Oh, sorry. I thought somebody asked me if I was doing burpees. I did do it. I did. I did burpees. And then I, oh, dude, what? No, weights. Sorry. I thought you asked me if I did a free hand. No, I did it with weights, dude. And I would go down and I'd come up and I'd go down, dude. And I did it with David Sullivan, dude. He ain't shit. I killed it, man. And then the next day I did split, what? Split squats. Bulgarian split squats. Can't say it. And then

chin-ups, dude. You know your boy does real nice with the chin-ups. And there were some eight-year-old kids doing the treadmill and they were so loud and they were unaccompanied by an adult and David called fucking downstairs and told on him. Oh, dude, he told on him and the security came up and was like, you guys can't be here. And they said, David, you're an old man. And he said, no, man, I thought they were going to get hurt, man. They were on the treadmill.

I thought they were going to get hurt. I was like, dude, you're an old man. But I liked it, man. He's too helpful. I don't understand, man. He's too helpful. God't understand man he's too helpful God when we get in the cars and the drivers are

and then he's just like so what's like where are the I know we're fucked you know the driver we're in the driver I bring a dude on tour with me

you know he works he works on the tour and then he's chilling he's one of my very good friends he's a great actor I don't know why why he wants to be on a tour with me but

you know he does the fucking award winning movies but he loves it he loves it he's a great actor i don't know why why he wants to be on a tour with me but you know he does the fucking award-winning movies but he loves it he loves it all about that lifestyle dude he'd never sit still but he always wants to go somewhere so we're on the tour and he was like hey man we'll be in the car and i'll just be like so what's what is it in tulsa you do the what do we do in tulsa you got the i got the ballet here right just like that and the guy's like yeah i don't know i've never been to the ballet. I'm like, David, dude, he's like,

well, man, I want to ask more questions. Well, just chill, dude. Um, you got that friend that asked too much,

too many questions. That guy could take a hike, right? A guy asked too many questions. It's like, dude, what are you asking for? You're just making conversation.

People who just make conversation you know what are you running from you go to a coffee shop you sit down you drink a coffee and then this person next to you is just like it's crazy out there right with the thing and you're like oh now we're talking about some shit nah because it used to have a mailbox right there and ever since and then they got rid of it you know the parade would come through and and you're just sitting in you're like uh yeah you know how selfish it is to make fucking just for a stranger to be like so do you oh here we go that's what i want to do when someone small talks me. As soon as they open their mouth. Oh, here we go.

This is for you. Now I'm in your world, right? Because I like to be in my world, man. And somebody takes me into their world. Oh, here we go. Here we go. I remember one time I went to the strip club it was like oh man I was like 26

there was a stripper there she was really hot and then at this coffee shop I saw her and I was like oh shit I know you like people think that I'll like be embarrassed you know if you see someone at the strip club how many guys be embarrassed you see a stripper that you were at a strip club with and then you saw them later on

in real life you go oh I don't wanna you hide from them like it's your teacher at a grocery store yeah i kind of know me dude i walk right up to that person hey teach or hey i remember you and they go oh yeah oh hey i say hey what's up we should i remember the man i was i must have been 28 or something i was like we should hang sometime what's her number dude she gave me her she goes like all right here give me your phone. And she typed in her number. And I go, ah, cool. And then I looked at it later.

And it was like, fuck, it started with like a two. No numbers. It was fake. It was like two, five, six, six, six, six, six, six, six. There were like 25 sixes in it. And I go, oh, man, I certainly been had, hadn't I? She got me, dude. I've certainly been had, haven't I? She got me, dude. I wonder what she's doing.

She probably got fat. That's what we do on the defense, dude. That's what we do. We get defensive, my baby. We get defensive. That's what we do, don't we? I wish her well, though. Forget her name.

Never knew her real name, as a matter of fact. I think it's Spice. But, yeah, dude. So, we're having a good time here. And congratulations. And I'm back from the road. And I'm well, though. Forget her name. Never knew her real name, as a matter of fact. I think it's Spice. But yeah, dude, so we're having a good time here. And congratulations. And I'm back from the road. And I'm good, dude. Got back from the road. There were 1,900 people in my house.

Had no idea why. My wife got organizers. And let me tell you, man, if you never got organizers, dude, it is fucking worth it, dude. I opened up a drawer, and I go, oh, look how beautiful. But then I go like this. But where are the things I wanted, right? Because where are they? And my wife is just like, we put them over here in a different drawer.

So now I got to relearn the house. Great, dude. Got to relearn the house. Yes, super annoying, but also super clean. Okay. There's also five of them in there right now doing it. I have no idea how much it costs. Yes, super annoying, but also super clean. Okay? There's also five of them in there right now doing it. I have no idea how much it costs. Yes, dude.

Yes, going to be so much. Yes. This is just in. D'Elia spent way too much to organize his house. But yeah, dude, just going to be absolutely recalculus um with how much it's gonna be but have no idea but it's gonna be so clean dude throwing away so much shit dude i love throwing away so much shit my ocd goes like this because my ocd goes like this no my ocd no but then my person comes in and goes like yo yo yo yo we got this yo, yo, we got this OCD. We got this. I'm covering my OCD

like this. No, no, no. My brain's like this. No, we got this OCD because the fucking, you know how I got ready? Dude, I was going to be a hoarder. I was going to be a hoarder. Do you know that? That was in the cards for me. Oh, that was in the cards for me. Dude, when I watch hoarders, I go, oh, oh, we missed out on making the episode about me because I nipped it in the butt. I remember the moment I nipped being a hoarder in the butt and now I'm not a hoarder. And I did that mentally knowing with my wherewithal, figuring it out at, as a 14 year old, I made the decision to not be a hoarder. And that was the most nipping it in the buttest thing I ever did in my life. And let me tell you what happened, dude.

I used to collect everything, everything. I was Hector, the collector, just everything. I used to collect everything. Dude, people would be like, yo, Chris, why do you keep these? And I would be like, why not, man? You got to keep those because what if, and they go, what are they going to say? Why? I say, what if one day that was my answer. I kept stuff. Even that food came in. Oh dude, he was going to be a hoarder I kept McDonald fries Like dude when they would do a special thing Like the Batman forever thing

When it was like McDonald's come and get your favorite Happy meal Batman forever I would get a happy meal just to get the Fry holders They had one with Val Kilmer one with Tommy Lee Jones And one with Jim Carrey and I had them all dude And I kept them and they had the the greasy-ass fry shit in it. Dude, I'm a collecting fool, though.

I did it. And then one day, one day, I looked at it when I was 14 and I go like this. This is never going to end. And I threw away fucking all of it. And it hurt. As I was throwing it away, it was just this sound. Everybody hurts. Jim Carrey fries.

Sometimes. Low matchbox cars. Oh. Special edition Drew Bledsoe fucking lunchbox. Everybody hurts. Toss them. Oh. Hold on.

For no reason, he says it. Hold on. For no reason. Not about holding on at all, but said it anyway. Everybody hurts. Hyundai Tercel. Could say that. Doesn't matter.

It still sells many copies. Songs are bullshit. So, you know songs are bullshit, dude. I learned it. You know when I knew songs are bullshit so um you know it's songs are bullshit dude how i learned it you know when i knew songs were bullshit when the guy from gooku dolls goes oh may we're gonna get married what you see is who you are and who you are is beautiful oh may for no reason oh may and then someone asked him in an interview who's may and he said i don't know. I just sang it, man. Dude, songs are bullshit.

Yes, figured it out. Could have been a hoarder. So anyway, I threw them all away and now I'm not a hoarder. And sometimes when we go to throw stuff away, even still as a 42-year-old man, I'm young as shit. But as a 42-year-old man, I go like this. But then my OCD goes, remember the fries. And I do. And I get rid of all the shit. And then what do I do? When my wife says, do you need these? I get pissed because guess what?

I don't need them. But now I look at them and I think I need them, but just get rid of them because I would never think of them ever again. Do you know what I'm saying, man? Do you guys know what I'm saying? For real. My wife goes like, did you want these? And I say, what? She says, well, there's a lot of childhood stuff in here was my childhood good yeah it was it was good it was good on the surface was i dealing with demons yes toss it all always had a fear of abandonment why that's for me not for you toss it but what is it like pictures of old dances in high school what is it pictures of me doing a drawing like in fucking sixth grade of super of Superman, man. I, one time I, I, they had told me to color a Superman for homework and my uncle made me put it like Jerry curls on them and colored them like Michael Jackson. And then in

the, in the, in the bubble, in the, in the speaking bubble, it said he, he, and my uncle, and my uncle, and my uncle let me turn it in like that. That's really funny. I can't wait to do that shit with Calvin, honestly. Fuck. But so, yeah, I said, I would never know if it was gone. She was asking me about mugs. What about this one? It says late night with Seth Meyers. This was the one you got for late night Seth.

And I'm like, yeah, I actually like that one. We're back. Sorry. We are stuff skipped and everything. The fucking power went out. What do you need to know it's fine uh honestly uh i got robbed and everyone took everything we had to get new equipment it doesn't matter dude but uh we're back um so yeah my wife's asking me about mugs and shit it's all good it was great awesome it's awesome when people are asking you about mugs and so but it's just like i don't need to know. That's my whole point, I guess, is what I'm saying.

I don't know if it skipped out earlier before this or not, but I'll say it again. Like you need to – I don't need to know. You know how much shit you need in life, honestly? Things. It's the things. It's like what do you need? What are things? Like I was talking to somebody.

Who was it? Lulu? And she was like, yeah, my sister or something got rid of my baby pictures and now I don't have any baby pictures and stuff. And it's like, that's, that's honestly what they tell you when they created you in a lab. But I don't know. I feel like she's a real human cause I love her and she's great. But, um, yeah, it's like, uh, the things that you need. Yeah, it's like the things that you need. I was actually putting Calvin to bed last night. And I got back from the road. I put him to bed. And he came out to the room, to my room.

And he was like, Dad. He was like, Dad. And I walked in and I looked. And he was in his closet, like peeking out of it. And I was like, what are you doing? And he was like, what are you doing? And he was like, what are you doing? And I was like, well, you got to go to bed, buddy. I put him to bed and I laid with him for a little bit. And he was like, so happy that I was laying with him.

And then he was like, um, he was like, I, I, he, I said, whatever came up that I was at work for the past, like three days. whatever came up that I was at work for the past like three days. And, um, and he said, yeah, uh, he said, what did you do at work? And I said, well, I had to be at work and he said, why he's asking why a lot. And I said, because I had to, because when I go to work, you get money when you go to work, and we need money to pay for things. And he said, why? And I said, well, we need money to pay for, honestly, anything, food, toys, this house that we live in, clothes. And I said, we got to get money for that.

I said, you use money? And then I said to him, I said, you pretty to get money for that. I said, you use money. And then I said to him, I said, you pretty much use money for everything. And then I realized, well, it's not everything. And so I said, you pretty much use money for everything except the things that are really important. Like, and I said, uh, family and love, like you don't need money to buy family or love. and love. Like you don't need money to buy family or love. And he said, well, I mean, I get it like in Miami you do, but like not like in real life. And then he, and he said, oh, what is family and love? And I said, well, family are people who are close to you. They're like a part of you, like me and mom, uncle Matt, pop, pop, gammy, Kiki, you know, that's his other grandma's name. And, uh, and he said, that's family. And I said, yeah.

And he said, what is love? And I said, love is like, and I was like, how the hell do you describe this period? But then how do you describe it to a three-year-old and i said i said love is basically you know when like you're in mommy's arms or when you're really close with me and we're cuddling and it's really happy you know that feeling you feel and he said yeah and i said that's what love is and he said that's what love is and then i said yup and then my son said what is the mystery of love? He just said, what's the mystery? Okay. I don't, first of all, I just explained what love is, which means he doesn't know what love is, which is like, then how the fuck does he know what

mystery is? You don't know what love is. How do you know what mystery is? So I said, what's the mystery of love? And he said, yeah. And I said, well, buddy, that's something that you got to figure out for yourself. And I walked in a room and Krista was there. I was like, man, I did not expect for that conversation to go like that. Now I'm fucking thinking about the goddamn mystery of love in my bed by myself.

Can't sleep anyway and i ended up falling asleep but yeah so it's like those are the things that you need family love and then whatever the mystery is but like so that's what i was doing with them i'm talking about purging shit a bunch of stuff it's like's like, just get rid of it, man. Get rid of it. See you later. Um, anyway, dude, so that's what happened. That's what happened in my life so far. And the people are still here figuring it out, uh, what to get rid of and whatnot. And I hope she doesn't ask me many questions, dude. I'm going to get rid of so many clothes. Um, they have a, um, a, what do you call it? Oh, the Oscars, dude. Who won? Hey,

I don't know. Hey, the Oscars past 10 years. Who won? Yo, you got me. The only thing I know about this year's Oscars is that Asian guy who played the little Asian in the Goonies and shit won something. You know,

if, uh, what are the movies that won in the last 10 years? I don't know. Coda was one, I think, maybe. What other ones? You got me. Did that movie 1917 win?

You got me. Has anyone seen any of the Oscar winners twice in the last 10 years? Or did they just go yeah that one was a fucking real good movie would you watch again no no no no who's in it guess what i don't know some british woman named emma something you know and that's it then a newcomer that's it. Then a newcomer that's French. That Western front movie? What's that? Is it even a guy or a girl in it?

No clue. And I've seen the person's face nine times on the billboards. Got a helmet on. No clue. Who's in movies now? Will Smith is in some, I think, right? Keanu Reeves still does movies that are, like, he's already done before. But, like, the new movies?

I don't know. Let's see who won. Brendan Fraser won, right? And everyone's acting like, ah, finally, my guy, you know? I see people just online like, see, everything comes full circle. This Oscars was all about what comes full circle.

See, finally, the guy who was in Goonies 90, 100 years ago, finally, he got representation. Finally, Brendan Fraser, finally. Brendan Fraser, let's not forget, Brendan Fraser has about $100 million, you know? Finally, dude, how many people right now, how many actors, how many A-list actors are like, no, how many?

Man, I tell you what, that movie, The Whale, first of all, looks, he looks like he is so good in that movie. Looks so boring. Dude, I would watch, I will, honestly, dude, I would, I want to cut together that movie, the good parts, I'll watch that. Dude, I bet it's so good and so boring. When I watch, the best movies of all time

are the most boring, don't get me wrong. But I guarantee, when I saw the clip, I saw a little YouTube short of the whale, I go, that's all I need to see, because I saw Brendan Fraser with the fucking nose thing and the oxygen tank because he's fat as shit and he was just like,

I need to do one thing in my life. And I was like, dude, okay. All right, I saw it. Did you see the whale? Yeah. So now when people say, did you see the whale? I was like, yeah, dude,

Brendan Fraser was great in it. Did you see the whole movie? Kinda. It was a YouTube short, but so fat too. Dude, make, honestly, don't make him that fat in it. It's all make him like half of that it's fine we'll still be think he's great now so many act dude that movie is gonna birth so many bad movies do you understand do you understand now that we gave him the oscar

we're fucked over the next 10 years we got to see so many of these idiot actors in like fat suits with, with like prosthetic noses. There's going to be somebody who does a movie and they're going to be like, I'll chop off my limbs, dude. It's going to be so bad. We got to watch fucking Michael B. Jordan now in a fat suit because this happened,

you know what I'm saying? And it's like, dude, the whole reason why we go see Michael B. Jordan movies is because of his shoulders. Now we got to watch because fucking Gary Oldman did it a little bit when he did the movie with that was the bad movie. Where he played. The hell was it?

Exactly. These are like the only movies that he does. Exactly. Gary Oldman played a movie where he just does so much breathing in between talking and he's in. He's just like, like you're going to win an Oscar. Cause he did that. Right.

Cause he got, they put, put jowls on me and he got jowls and shit. And he's, the movie takes place in the 1920s, whatever the fuck it was. And now Brendan Fraser was like, ah,

I'll play a fact. And now we got to watch now. Dude, mark my words. If who would it be? Um, oh, uh, who's in Aaron Brockovich, Aaron Eckhart, dude. If we don't see an Aaron Eckhart movie and Aaron Eckhart vehicle that was made for 1.5, there's a budget for the movie that was made for $.5 million dollars that was shot no doubt for real that was shot in um

uh what's the fucking place that where you get a lot of tax back i bet it would be shot in oklahoma or uh or new mexico or louisiana the budget is $1.5 million. And, uh, and, uh, and, and what would I say? Fuck. Who is it? Aaron Eckhart's in it.

If he doesn't ugly up his face with prosthetics or getting a fat suit in the next three years and try to go for an Oscar, I will quit this fucking podcast. This podcast won't be anymore. I'll just do Lifeline. I'll quit golden hour. I'll do, I'll only do Lifeline with my brother. There's no way it's not going to happen.

It's going to be so, and there's going to be so many, and they're going to be so bad, dude. I wish they just called that movie Fatty for real. By the way, how the fuck is it okay for Woody Harrelson to make that movie with the people with Down Syndrome and the Farrelly brothers? What's that movie called? Champions or something? How'd they make it? That's just – how'd they make it without it? You know why?

Because Woody Harrelson is already safe. He's grandfathered in and he's deemed lovable. You know what I'm saying? Like Keanu Reeves could – you know – oh, you know Keanu Reeves could literally make a movie like about killing a whole race of people. And people will be like, well, you know, it's Keanu. Once someone is deemed lovable, done, dude. That's what Woody Harrelson is. He made a movie about a bunch of people with Down syndrome that the Farrelly brothers wrote and directed, I think.

And there's a joke in it where a guy with Down syndrome is like, yeah, I'm your homie with the extra crummy. And it's like, how'd you do it? How'd you do it? It's 2023. Dude, how'd you do it? When I say it now, when I just said it right now, we got demonetized.

And I'm just talking about the movie that came out. Crazy, right? They made that movie called Champions. Nobody's going to see it. Thank God, too. If too many people saw it, it would get canceled for sure. But the Oscars are such a bunch of stroke. It's just a bunch of stroking, you know, man, I was talking about this with my friend David, you know, and I'm just like,

what would it take for me to go to the Oscars? And I know people would be like, yo, you don't like Hollywood now because of everything that happened to you. But honestly, my nightmare to go to the Oscars, even back then. I would only go if I was nominated for best person in the world. And like not even best actor, I wouldn't. Like Tom Cruise didn't go this year and I'm just like, attaboy.

Although fucking, you know, like it even matters. Goddamn, tom cruise and shit mr hollywood fuck it my point is that it's it's such a stroke fest and that's the thing too it's like nominate the movies that are that are um nominate the movies that are uh critically acclaimed and shit but then don't nominate Top Gun 2, dude. Right? It's like, do the way you're going to do it. The Oscars, nobody's been watching.

Over the years, nobody's been watching because of the movies like Coda and fucking movies that 95 people have seen. And then you got the nerve to... Top Gun, bro? I mean, honestly? Nominate fucking... Suicide Squad.

Like, who... Like, what are you doing? Choose a lane. Dude, it doesn't matter. Nominate Nick Cannon's new game show where he tries to get fucking someone pregnant. Have you seen about this? He's going to have a new

game show where the game show is the winner of it gets to have his next baby. Dude, it's good. Next baby. Dude. I swear to God. It's called insemination.

It's not called that. But I don't know what it's called. But oh my God, dude. Hey, dude. World. Bye-bye. Nick Cannon will star in a new game show. It's called Who's Having My Baby.

Hey. World. Catch you later. world catch you later world dude that's a bad game show oh okay so what are they gonna do what are they what's the game hey we're gonna ask questions all right here we go contestant number one what's you know what's the square root? Like, what the fuck are they going to ask? It's fake? It's not real?

Was it an April Fool's thing? Oh, dude, that's the thing about Kevin Hart. I forgot he does things like that, dude. Like, what's diehard, your heart? You know? They're making a Die Hard 2 with John Travolta. Well, what is that? That came out?

I didn't even know about it. Where Kevin Hart was doing the fucking thing where he plays a version of... I don't know, dude. The nerve of these fucking... I love Kevin Hart. Big fan of Kevin Hart. Love Kevin Hart. But to have it...

I was looking at the description. It was like, Kevin Hart plays a version of himself.. Love Kevin Hart. But to have it be that I was looking at the description. It was like Kevin Hart plays a version of himself. Dude, he's always playing a version of himself. You know? He's not the one in the fat suit playing the whale. He will be. All right. Well, that's fake.

Thank God, dude. I would have left world. I would have left the world. The Oscars, let's go back to the Oscars. The outfits are just, I hate the, I,

I, just like, it's sad to see these people. Who was it? Olivia. Who's the other one? Not Mun. Wild.

She came in like a fucking swimsuit that like, if you legitimately, if you were at a hotel, the staff would come and be like, you actually have to put something else more on than that. And she just went with like her titties out to the Oscars. And then also the other woman from Euphoria, who's going to be the new Hunger Games, she went with, dude, her dress was a feather across her tits. She just goes like this. Oh, got to get ready for the Oscars.

Let's go. Dude. It's bad. All good. Let's go Dude It's bad All good And here's the other thing too Because nowadays you can't be like What the fuck is she doing Because they'd be like oh you're body shaming her

Nah How And I know when I say that you get all sorts of slack Oh hey you can't fucking whatever Yeah all good It's the Oscars though You're treating it like Instagram How I know when I say that, you get all sorts of slack. Oh, hey, you can't fucking whatever. Yeah, all good. It's the Oscars, though. You're treating it like Instagram.

How? Dude. All good. Dude, we get it, but you're not on. Well, you're not on Santa Monica Boulevard outside of Pinche's Tacos. How? Dude, you're not. You had a red carpet. Why are your tits out?

All good. Big fans of your work. You're great. Olivia Wilde. Think you're a great actress. On the Oscars and the red carpet. How? All good.

I get it, dude. I don't want to shame you. Do it. But if I went with a feather over my cock. I know it's a double standard, but it's all good. I don't care. I ultimately don, dude. I don't want to shame you. Do it. But if I went with a feather over my cock, I don't know. It's a double standard. But it's all good. I don't care.

I ultimately don't care. Honestly, I think everyone should go to the Oscars naked, for real. I want to go just like holding, holding, just holding. Dude, the Oscars won't be shit. I guarantee one day the Oscars, it will be whatever the actresses will come up and she'll have a guy that she hired just with his arm just holding her titties like this and watch them while they walk. Who are you wearing? And she just goes, that guy. And who are you?

Guy, you want to talk? Hi, Olivia Wilde is wearing me. My name is Barry. Yeah. Oh yeah oh really are you a designer no no we met uh outside of pinch's tacos she uh she hired me basically she hired me it's just me hey me with the fucking who's the one from the the movie the help octavia spencer i'm just like octavia she wants to know who you're what can i talk me chris delia i'm a podcaster um yeah dude what's wrong with everyone? I don't know.

We're not getting any better though. I know. I know. I get it. Like still, it's better to live now than it is like in the dark ages, but also dark ages. Um, I don't know, do it anymore. This is, uh, the thing that I wanted to talk about. Here we go on the popular podcast.

Congratulations. we go on uh the popular podcast congratulations by the way these are the movies that were um the last 15 best picture winners everything everywhere everything and everybody or whatever the fuck coda nomadland which was jesus i did not see but i know that's horrible parasite which was good you watch that once green book which i saw a clip of the other day where uh vigo mortensen is like so good in it talking all brooklyn and shit and he's uh he's like from where is he from australia or something or british yeah is he american whatever it is he was like yo what the fuck you doing i'm like wow he's doing it well the shape of of Water, would never see it. Moonlight, saw it, would, I mean,

the fact that that won Best Picture is pretty crazy. Spotlight, which was that one, the one with Mark Ruffalo? Birdman, never saw it, I would watch that. 12 Years a Slave was good, only see it once. Argo, didn't see it, my friends in it, don't want to see it out of hate. The Artist, absolutely a joke, that won Best Picture, there's no words in it.

King's Speech, For two hours. The Hurt Locker was good. Love Jeremy Renner. Huge, huge fan. Slumdog Millionaire won because of guilt. And yeah, dude, I just basically don't know who would ever see those movies more than once, but it's all good. So this is the clip i wanted to see um what are you most excited to see tonight to see this is q grant that you probably watched a few of the movies are you excited to see anybody win do you

have your hopes up for anyone um not no no one in particular okay well what are you wearing tonight Snick Snick Snick So I love a thriller. How fun is it to shoot something like that? Well, I'm barely in it. I'm in it for about three seconds. Yeah, but you showed up and you had fun, right? Almost. Okay, all right. Oh, but you showed up and you had fun, didn't you? Almost.

Snag hated the movie, hated the experience. Hates, what's his name? Fucking the other James Bond guy. What's his name? Daniel Craig. Hates Daniel Craigig just hates him so much oh great we got the fucking james bond he would call him james bond on the set you know hey bond over here we got to be over here and just so dick about it you know dude it's dick why is he so dick and i said to my friends and then a lot of my friends were like well she was asking dumb as fuck questions and i'm like yo it's on network tv dude you show up you're hugh grant you're gonna be asked dumb

ass questions who you're wearing well i wouldn't know either but you don't be a dick that's so dick also especially that guy got second chances and shit you know remember when we was having sex with that and so um but it's all good but like and like and like, man, he's just, oh, I don't know. You know, he's so pissed, dude. He's pretty handsome still, though, huh? That is so crazy to be a dick for no reason. Oh, yeah, I showed up. You had fun?

I almost. So dick. I feel like that would have been me on my trajectory. Anyway, I think that this here, speaking of fucking tits out at the Oscars, in Berlin, they're allowing women to go topless in public swimming pools. That's crazy, dude. It's actually not, though. Like if you just came to earth and then all of a sudden saw people naked in a swimming pool,

you wouldn't think anything about it. But the fact that we have such societal norms and shit. Here we go. BBC News. Women will soon be allowed to swim topless in Berlin's public pools after a ruling by the city's authorities. Authorities.

That's hilarious, dude. Okay, everyone gather around. Let's figure this out. We've got to vote. Do you want to see the titties or not? I vote yes. You know, a lot of them are really nice. Berlin though. Where's that?

Germany? So, here we go. All right. So, here we go again. Every three months, we decide to have this. We see we have the titties on. So, we're going to have a pool here. And we were wondering, since a new pool is coming in in do you want to just duvet with the cloth?

I would like personally to have it. You know, the thing is we take the cloth off of the titties. What we can do is use the extra cloth now that we have it to cover my boner, you know? So anyway, here we go. Yes, I vote yes. I'd like to see them bouncing around, you know?

Especially floating in the water, right? So it would be nice, you know, floating in the water. A little like Salvador Dali painting with the clock, right? Kind of like melted down over the pool. Are we joking? But anyway, so we're going to have the titties out to water. I vote yes. Hands up.

Well, not just one looks like me. You know, what about two? So let's, anyway. It comes after a woman who was thrown out of an open-air pool for sunbathing topless took legal action. Okay, well, yeah, we can't do it until you can do it. You know what I mean? A second woman said she was told to cover up while

at an indoor pool in December. Well, yeah, can't do it until you can do it, you know? Authorities agreed that they had been victims of discrimination. Discrimination? Because it's... Oh, dude, they're just trying to pop. But, dude, they're just horny dudes. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, we agree. That is discrimination. Of course. I disagree. Take it off.

Honestly, you can show your downstairs area, too, if you want to. Authorities agreed they have been victims of discrimination and said all visitors to Berlin pools were now entitled to go topless. Wow, dude. I would get plastic surgery and put a penis on my chest and just have no shirt on my chest. And then the penis would be out and I'd be like, hey, dude, you said it's cool for the topless.

The decision will be welcomed by those here who champion what's known as free culture. Free body culture. Yeah, but then when it comes to penises, it's a different story, right? Foreign visitors to Germany, because people think when penises are out, everyone's going to get murdered, you know?

Foreign visitors to Germany are often surprised and sometimes downright disconcerted by the sight of naked Germans frolicking in its lakes, snoring in its parks. Wow, dude, you'd be naked in a park. Imagine the uproar in America. It's some dude just sitting with a floppy penis, just...

But this is a country where it considers public nudity as some settings to be both appropriate and healthy. Healthy, you know? They just tricked the women. That's what happened happened People just tricked women It's coming around People are like

I want to be body Free with my body And then they just tricked them Yeah yeah for sure This was by design Let your tits out Whoops sorry Bumped into your titties

Tricked you Here's some lemonade Anyway go swimming. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Dude. Yes, we all vote for that. Yes. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yes, I'll put your tits on.

Hey, where's the downstairs area, too? That's discrimination, too. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Turn around. Let's see what it looks like in there. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Why don't we stop there, right? Why. Why we stop there, right? Why we stop at the butt loop, right?

Look under there. That's discrimination too, unzip. Anyway, let's go to the pool. What? I just was saying if I was discrimination, that's why I took my pants off and started fixing my penis. I wasn't yanking.

I was just fixing it. I had to put it up because it was hurting because it was down and then got erection. It's been a while since we've done

Miss Connections. No, it hasn't been but let's do misconnections. No, it hasn't been, but let's do misconnections. Um, we got this. I miss the girl. I'd spoil Long Beach.

And why is spoil spelled like that with a zero and a one, not the fucking, you know, thing that's going to get it flagged i am classy respect of tupac wrote this i am classy is easy why respectful with a z and looking with a zero for a new friend sad dude this guy wants to what's up with that dude i was thinking about that today actually about like men who just kind of like are are are single perpetual bachelors and just like older and have just money and know that the women that they're with are not with them for love but only for money

and i i i bet i i go there are definitely different people for, with different feelings on that situation when they're in, if they are that guy, right? Like if you're that guy, like, would you be okay with it? If you're a 60 year old? Cause my whole thing is,

and people are like, you don't want to die alone. Dying alone is fine. Dying alone is fine. You're going to be dead soon. But when you're in your last 20 years of life alone, that shit can be lonely, you know? So it's like, would you just be cool with, because I got buddies who are like 55 and stuff and they're single and that's okay. But pretty soon you're going to be

65. You're not gonna be able to find someone. So are you gonna find someone in the next 10 years? And then are you going to have kids? And then if you don't want kids, okay. But do you really not want kids? Or are you just being on the defense because you had such a rough go early on in life that now you're like, nah, I'm not doing that shit. Subjecting anyone to my, to a fucking, to this world when I had a rough go. Right. So it's like, are you okay with being that old and just like being a jet setter if you're rich and then like spending money on having your girl come see you when you know she doesn't really love you. She's just with you because you're stacking. Dude, it's a real.

I wonder. You probably just trick yourself into it. You do. You got to be delusional. And that's okay, by the way. It's okay. We're all delusional about certain things. Kristen said she handed me something the other day and I swear she never handed it to me. And she said she did. And I said, no, no, she didn't.

And she's like, I would go, I would, I would, I would absolutely put a gun to my head, tell you, I gave it to you. And I was like, well, maybe she didn't give it to me. So it's like, if people are, forget that. And then they're delusional. If people are delusional about certain things, I swear she didn't hand it to me. But it's like if you can forget that shit, you can forget, oh, this person doesn't really love me. Fuck it. She loves me. And fly him out and just like buy him an apartment. And it's just like, is that, you know?

That's what a lot of these motherfuckers are doing, right? I don't know. Can you get away with that and still feel okay? Because the whole thing about, yeah, but you got to feel your feelings and really understand what you're doing in your life. And I understand, but it's like, do you or can you just ride it until you die? Right? Because I never used to feel my feelings at all. And now I do. And my therapist is like, you got to feel your feelings. You got to actually, you know, you got to do this. It's

better for you in the long run. And I'm like, okay, I'll take your word for it. Why am I crying all the time though? Got super deep. But here's another one. Johnny, where are you? Johnny would come over and we would chill and play games like zip. What the fuck is zip?

Miss the big fun. I just got sexual oh not him but you are young fit and interested being a new buddy hit me up hey okay but explain zip what is zip is it a sex game let's look it up john Johnny would come over and we would chill and play games like Zip. Game Zip. Zip. That sounds like a bop it game. Play Zip. Oh, wow. A player clasped their hands with thumbs raised, index fingers pointing to an adjacent person like this or like that, somebody, they'd probably put their penis in there a little bit. I mean, you know.

BJ, where did you go? Oh, wow. Hopefully that's a person's name. How about that fact that some people's name, it's like Brian Johnson and they go by BJ. That's crazy. Your name might as well be Deep Throat. I don't know where he is.

We used to finish each other's sentences. It's been so hard lately. I'm sad. In Palmdale, no doubt. No doubt, Palmdale. I don't know where he is. BJ, where did you go? I don't know where he is.

We used to finish each other's sentences. It's been so hard lately. That's a suicide note, honestly. Dude, I would do my suicide note on Craigslist for real. That would be great. World under it. World, hey, it's been nice knowing you. Bye. Oh, that's actually really sad and not funny. All right, here we go. Here's another one. Yeah, well dropped my vegetables. Wow. Can I have yours spelled Y-O-R-E-S? Wow, so bad, dude. White meat on white meat.

And then in caps, any vegetables. And then G for G. What's G for G? Gay for gay. Guy for guy. I don't know. You know? So the innuendo. just don't even just you know

where is my straight buddy los angeles i lost contact with you and i'm hoping to find you here did you move back in town hey text him um i lost contact with you who are these people that go around not having people's numbers guys who do so much crazy sex don't have numbers i guess that's it for the episode on YouTube. If you want to get the raw, the uncut, the episode, the extra extended episode, go to my Patreon, patreon.com. And also, you get a free episode every month. And sometimes we save the bangers for Patreon. So go over there.

There's like 24 episodes on Patreon that you can't access. But you can for just $6. So go over to patreon.com. Thank you. Patreon that you can't access, but you can for just six bucks. So go over to patreon.com slash crystalia.com for those. Thank you. Thank you.