Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 309. The $9 Million Bugatti

Episode Date: April 6, 2023

😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia Chris is back from taping his new special and he's got something to say about his fellow airline passengers, Ronaldo and his $9 million dollar Bugatti, and Kanye rediscovering his love for Jewish people. 👉 Get a 60-day free trial at shipstation.com/congrats. Thanks to ShipStation for sponsoring the show!  Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

yo yo yo dude i have new dates i have new dates out new dates just announced and this is uh first of all you know about the uh columbus and cincinnati and ohio and boise and salt lake i added tucson and pueblo colorado and colorado springs colorado but then also just now i added on the don't push me tour charl, Knoxville, Little Rock, Arkansas. Man, he's going down south. Nashville, Tennessee. Oh, bringing a guitar. Calgary, Edmonton, Ottawa for my Canadian people.

Montreal. Okay, so it's not Toronto. This is what they told me. It's Toronto proper. It's like 30 minutes away. It's Hamilton, Ontario at the first Ontario concert hall. I'm going to try and come to also Toronto, the actual city next year, but I couldn't get, dude, you guys get mad at me for dates that I can't do. These are all booked up.

There's like a million touring people. You know, I got to like battle with like Morgan Wallen or whatever is Wallen or Waylon or whatever. He's good. Cleveland, Ohio. I am doing Cleveland. Detroit, people keep asking me. Orlando, Fort Myers, Florida. And I'm also adding more.

So I am adding more soon. And I told you I got other dates coming. I know people really want Vancouver. Vancouver's so booked up. I'm trying to find a spot to get there. Have something on hold. It's coming. I'm not forgetting about you, especially if you're a big city the don't push me tour is coming so anyway without further ado welcome to the next episode of congratulations nice oh wow already messed it up wow i thought i was gonna put the thing on the right thing but it didn't do the thing oh yeah i want it on the left one wow okay so now i'm stupid messed it up

twice i got the uh there we go dude hair's looking nice i'm not gonna lie my hair's looking nice dude look at that it's like fluffy It's like nice-ish. It's really good, man. So, you know, yeah, I got a big forehead, but that's what's up. It means I'm smart, dude. I just, I've had a great week. I've had a very busy week. I'm really happy that you guys are here.

And thank you for listening. Like and subscribe. And merch at crystalia.com. But whatever, dude. Leave a comment. Pump that algorithm. Let me know where you're coming to see me if there's people coming. I just announced all my new tour dates.

And yeah. But dude, I have been really, really, really grateful. I did shows. Let's just get right into it. I did shows Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday in Irvine, Brea, Oxnard to nail down exactly what I wanted to do in my hour special taping. Flew, figured that out, flew to Milwaukee. Every time I hear milwaukee i think milwaukee and i thought that was me but then i realized that that's the actual indian way to pronounce it uh so i must have heard it

somewhere or i'm i'm the psychic indian um so yeah so milwaukee and then did the last show oh it's from wayne's world milwaukee That's why. Wayne's World, dude. Wow. One fire coming through, dude. With that Wayne's World thing. That's why I got it. Dude, how could you hear something when you're 12 and then just think it when you're 43? And then you're like, why did I think that?

And then it's just Mike Myers with a wig on 40 years ago. You heard it twice because you saw it once and then you saw it again for your friend's birthday party and you had to sit through it twice. That and Ghostbusters 2. Vigo scared the shit out of me. So anyway, I did the Milwaukee show and then I flew to Minneapolis to do the taping.

Now, I was actually a bit nervous. I wasn't nervous, like scared. I was more anxious, but also a little bit nervous. Actually, you know what? I was scared for a reason because there was a storm. People kept saying like, there's a storm. There was no storm. But they kept saying there was a storm.

So I was like, oh, am I going to make it? The flight got delayed. And one of my buddies was going to come out the day before. Their whole flight got canceled. There was no flight that they could make it. And they were in LA. So I was like, oh, no. If they're in LA and we're coming from Milwaukee, that's the same direction, I believe.

I don't know, really. I'm not good with directions. But I was like, is ours going to get canceled? Ours got delayed. And we were like, should we drive from Milwaukee to Minnesota? We did not do that. We waited for the flight. We got on the flight, landed.

And then I couldn't even take a nap. I was like five, four hours of sleep. Did the special. And I was so ready. I mean, I'm ready. You know, and I also, I've only been performing this hour for eight months. Like I did it, it was a year. So I worked, I worked at the clubs a little bit to

try and get new material like it was 2021 i started doing it in like september i would go up every now and then with minimal material then april came along and i booked a date in Phoenix, one of my favorite spots to do. Um, and it was April 30th. And then, so a year later I did, um, what do you call it? I did, uh, the, I started the, I did the taping. So besides that, um, it was, I took from April to like August off. So it was really from August to now, I was doing the tour. And that's a very short time actually from when I start performing to shooting a special. It's usually like a year or more.

You know, Man on Fire, I was touring it for so long. I was so sick of it. But I didn't want to do it too. Here's the deal. When I do the tour, I don't know when this is going to come out, but when the special comes out, it, um, it comes out and, uh, I'll, I will have to have some new material. So in essence, when I, when I shoot the special, I have to then think about starting new material because by the time it comes out, I want to have new material. And I don't want people who have seen the special to see everything from the special.

Some comics do that and they are lazy. But I don't want to do that. I don't feel good about myself doing that. I also am bored with the material after I do it. But this hour is so special to me. It just is. It's not just funny. You know, I'm speaking a lot of stuff from the heart. And so I was a little nervous about shooting that because I wanted it, I wanted to really connect with that emotionally. And it's also not something that I usually do

Like when I first did my specials I was like I just want to be funny People are always like yeah but what are you really talking about I'm talking about how messed up and silly everything is But this special is way different From my You know it's me growing and it's me Getting out there

And now I'm in my 40s My last special I did it when I was 39 and, um, yeah, so I don't know. It's just, it went off the first special, the first taping, we did it twice. The first taping was great. The second one was just one of the best times I did that hour. So it really, uh, it really means a lot that you guys came out in Minneapolis. I love you guys. I love the support that I get, that everybody came out on the tour so far. I'm still doing the Don't Push Me tour because it hasn't come out yet, the special. But I just so appreciate you.

And this is what I wanted to start out with this podcast. But I so appreciate you coming through and so appreciate you supporting me. And I just can't thank you enough for, for, for that. I really can't, um, watching this, the, the, the vlogs and the tour reports, which I put out there and just, uh, being a part of it really genuinely means the world to me. And I know I talk a lot about, you know, silly stuff on this podcast, but, uh,

that's, that's what's up. And, uh, I really, I am so fortunate and thankful that you guys come out to see me and I love you for it. And I try to always give you guys the best show that I possibly can, uh,

which is also why I started, I have to start writing new material now again. But yeah, I love it. Anyway, dude, let's be silly. I know you like also when I'm transparent and all that stuff, but let's be silly too. I don't have a title

yet. I'm circling on what the titles will maybe be, but I don't know and when i drop it i drop the trailer it's gonna go gangbusters we're gonna go your boy's gonna go dummy viral so we'll drop the title then you know what i mean okay anyway stop the cap um i don't know what the fuck one one fire added a bunch of things dude i went to go i went to go uh i went to go put on you know matt my buddy matt rife hit me up and he was like yo we post about my special and i was like fuck yeah let's do this the dude's

awesome and i and i posted on the thing and i went to go click the link on the story to connect it and i copied his i copied his youtube link to put on my story and i posted it and then when i posted it after i posted it the link was a different link. And I was like, what the fuck? It was because my producer was on my computer. He had already copied a link since I copied the link from Matt Rife and put it on the thing.

And it was a video where the guy goes, stop the cow. And so that was the link that was, everybody was seeing when I did the Matt Rife thing. So anyway, go watch his special. It's great. He's awesome.

He's exploded on the comedy scene, but it's great. It's out there now. It's called Matthew Stephen Reif. It's the whitest name I've ever heard in my life, but also he is exploding. So go check his shit out. He's great. Anyway, dude, you know, let's get into it, dude. Let's get into it.

He added a bunch of different things on my sound board, but that's cool. Dude, how about this, man? Kanye loves the Jews again. Who knew? And thank God for 21 Drum Street because that's what he saw. Dude, he watched. So he's mental.

He's mental, man. And it's just like, okay. He loves it. First of all, he didn't hate the Jews. He thought he hated the Jews, right? That's what he thought. He thought that. He's mentally unstable.

And you want to be like, well, fuck it. You know, it's sad. He's mentally unstable. But then you go like this. Well, you know what? Hitler was unstable and mentally unstable. So then there we go. Everyone in the Third Reich was unstable and mentally imbalanced.

Okay. So then it's like, at what point does it, you know, you want to give grace to people who are mentally unwell. But then also, you don't want to give too much grace because they end up, you know, being Hitler also. So it's like, you know, Kanye kept doubling it down, doubling it down, kept doubling it down until they kill me. But they kept doubling it down. And then all of a sudden,idas was like no or if you're a dork you can say adidas um you go all right well kanye you know it's too it's too bad i really liked your sneakers but you can't thank you for working for us but then you gotta go so then it's like adidas was like oh wait a minute we lost 1.6 billion dollars

we fired kanye stop the cap and it's like maybe we should rehire kanye you know i'm saying and yes what he said was bad but also we want that 1.6 billion dollars back again so what happened was they are talking about rehiring him and because of that he watched 21 jump street and said because jonah hill is in it and did a good job and he's funny that he doesn't hate Jews anymore and I'm just sitting there like huh more disrespectful do you know what I mean and I'm just sitting there like okay well it was disrespectful that he hated that he was saying he hated the Jews but now he like the reason why he's come around on it is because of Jonah Hill's performance in 21 Jump Street. Ha!

That's even more disrespectful to see Jonah Hill running around pretending like he's a cop in high school. And then Kanye West goes like this. You know what? On second thought, ha! Jews should be more mad at that that's what turned him around and he's got the post up he's got it on Instagram and it's the only post up

on his Instagram feed and it's just like that's more disrespectful so anyway now Adidas is just like yeah we don't give a fuck however he wants to say he likes it again let's get the 1.9 let's get the 1.6 billion dollars in so anyway kanye loves the jews again so now we can chill dude this could be the point where the world gets back on track since the pandemic everything's

gone to shit this could be the point where it goes back on track let's just make it with the point goes back on track you know we had trump everyone hated trump you know the it seemed like everyone hated trump didn't really it seemed like everyone hated trump didn't really because i look you gotta like it then we have biden everyone hated biden seems like everyone hated biden but you know a lot of people love biden so it's like let's get a president that's gonna get in here and do some fucking damage right it's all gone to shit and kanye west loves the jews now so let's just get it let's just everything's better, right guys? What did he actually write on the thing? Kanye West.

Kanye West, Jonah Hill. He writes, oh God, they say Seth Rogen reacts to Kanye West saying Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, you know. You know. What did he say here? Yay on Instagram. This is what he says. If you haven't heard, which is crazy if you haven't heard.

Watching Jonah Hill in 21 Jump Street made me like Jewish people again. This is straight to the point. No one should take anger against one or two individuals and transform that into hatred toward millions of innocent people. No Christian can be labeled anti-Semite knowing Jesus is Jew. Thank you, Jonah Hill.

I love you. And then he just... And then somebody just writes under that, W. The internet. Dude, that's a W comment. And then somebody just writes under that W. Though the internet, you know? Dude, that's a W comment. I want people to write, yo, that's an L comment. That's an L.

Yo, dude, that's an L. So congratulations to Kanye West. And honestly, congratulations to the Jews. Because he's got that back on. He's got that back on. Is Trump arraigned? Has he been arraigned? No, he's not been arra that back on he's got that back on is trump arraigned has been arraigned no he's not been arraigned right but he will be tomorrow so this will be coming out the next day so let's just pretend dude how about that trump shit dude it's crazy he's gonna be

arraigned he's never gonna go to jail so everyone just if he goes to jail by the way do you understand how many fucked up things are gonna happen so let So let's just hope. Maybe he'll just like, he's older, right? He's like, he'll pass away. I don't know. And I'm not even saying, I don't, don't come at me like I'm a Trumper or an anti-Trumper. I'm neither.

I don't give a fuck. You know what I do? Silent. And you know how people say silence is violent? That's me then, I guess. I'm a violent guy then. So when the fuck is silence violence? I don't like that.

You know I don't like that shit. So anyway, dude, it's just, it's just like, oh, I forgot the fucking thing though about the, on the, man, I tell you what, dude, when you travel a lot, it is, you really get a representation of what the fuck America is like, I mean, I went to Milwaukee, and when I got on the plane to Milwaukee, I mean, dude, everything is so insane. Everything is so insane.

I got to the airport. We got on the plane. I got on the plane, and I'm bored on the plane because it sucks, right? And there was no TV, I think, in it. It was like, every now and then you get a plane that looks like it's from 1978. So I got a DM, the top DM. I go check it. I look.

It says, hey, don't worry, bro. Your bag is safe. And I look at the image and it's a picture of my bag on the fucking in the plane. Like the guy who puts the bags in the thing took a pic of my thing and then sent it to me like some fucking. And I'm just like, dude, that's one of those things. That's like it's like that's creepy. Tell me more about that. But it's like you get scared.

But like for what reason? It's just a picture of a bag. But also, you know, not to be creepy on an airplane, dude. The guy sends me a picture of my own bag. That's creepy. Tell me more about that. It's insane. And so I'm like, Jesus, and I screenshot it. I sent it to my whole team

who's, you know, in the plane, and they go, yo, you should report this guy. He's like, I don't want to get anybody fired. He's like, you want me to report it? I'm like, no, no, no, chill, dude. Because my tour manager is a gangster, dude. He's like, you want me to report it? I'll report it. I'm like, no, dude, just chill. And I'm like, well, this guy's gangster, dude. He's like, want me to report it? I'll report it.

I'm like, no, dude, just chill. And I'm like, well, this guy's just fucking right. Here's the fucked up thing. Everybody has your phone number, basically. Like you can contact anyone, anyway, from the phone. You can talk, you want to talk to Elon Musk? You basically have his phone number. You just tweet him or DM him, and guess what?

Hell, get it. That's so fucked up how connected we are. That now I got the United Airlines fucking guy who checks in the – he's not even – dude, he's not even the person who checks the bag, and he was like the troglodyte under the thing near the conveyor belt that was like with it you know what i mean with his fucking uh android send because you saw my name on the bag that's so fucking creepy dude i'm just like that's creepy tell me more about that that's creepy tell me more about

that and so i'm on the plane and somebody walks by and they're i'm already in the seat you know and somebody walks by chris d'alia i'm a huge fan great dude now i gotta be me the whole flight everyone's gonna be knowing i'm on it i go in in incognito. I got the hood up. I sit down. Somebody walks by. Chris D'Elia, dude, I'm a big fan. And I'm just like, dude, I'm just sitting there like now I got to fucking be me the whole time. It's okay. I appreciate the love.

I really do, dude. And so I fucking, we fly, bro, let me tell you this, man, we're in the, we're on the plane, we land, and you know, you're not supposed to get up until they stop moving the plane obviously and they always land and then you know we we touch down and then you always stop and then after you stop you're not you're still not right you're not there you know the plane the pilot's always like yeah so where you got it you're or it's fourth in line to get to the thing and you're just like okay you know and then so we land and we as soon as we land the the somebody comes barreling down the fucking aisle and i'm like oh that's it for me because that's the thing too i'm like oh we're gonna because you know this is going to be a terrorist attack. And also, here's the thing about terrorist attack.

If I was a gangster terrorist, if I was a gangster motherfucking terrorist, like a real, real hardcore, I would wait the whole flight until they landed and then took over. Because here's why. Because you really want to terrorize someone? Have the last thing they do in their life be a four-hour flight like terrorists always like all right we're up in the air let's do it dude fuck all that have them go the whole flight and have to eat bullshit peanuts you know what i mean and a half-cooked chicken if they're in the first class and then and and right and you're in the flight have them have them

have to watch fucking mickey blue eyes right i guess i'll watch this that's the last thing you're sitting like this watching fucking hugh grant be like forget about it that's that's a real terrorist you don't do when it gets up in here all right all right motherfuckers let's go you wait till they almost land or land and then say, okay, guys, guess what? We're flying into the fucking Potomac or whatever. Or Lake Michigan. We're flying into Lake Erie. Here we go.

I'd be like, why didn't you do it earlier? Because I'm a real motherfucking G terrorist, dude. That's why. So the lady comes barreling up Really big lady with pink hair Alright And the flight attendant is literally She didn't even say anything

The flight attendant just goes like this She literally goes like this Like ma'am You a person or what Hey ma'am You ever been somewhere? And the lady goes like this to the flight attendant. As we're still taxiing hardcore, like we're landing and we're moving, dude.

And she's like, the lady goes like this. And then the passenger goes like this. Ma'am, I'm going to diarrhea right now Dude She says Ma'am, I'm going to have to diarrhea right now So loud, as loud as the person Who walked by and said, Chris Lee, I'm a huge fan

So now, I'm like Whoa, that is so gangster And that is the real terrorist So she The flight attendant goes like this, okay The lady goes in the thing just drops hardcore shit and and the most gangster thing is she got out of the toilet before everyone got off the plane she didn't give a fuck about being embarrassed just no shame in it was app was the best. She gets out. She says,

first of all, ma'am, I'm going to diarrhea right now. Gets in the thing, gets out. Everyone's like, oh shit, pink hair, dude, older lady walks back to her seat. Then we taxi to the door. Then she gets up, gets out and I get behind her, and she's going so slow and blocking everything. And I'm just like, dude, diarrhea-ing is one thing, but making me have to fucking, hey, move. But I was like gangster in the no shame, man. I aspire to have that no shame, which is cool. You know, it's like here's the other thing, too. If I wasn't famous i would be

diarrhea everywhere and telling everybody about it but i'm famous so like i don't even care people really know i'm diarrhea in places places but it's annoying if like someone gets a picture and it's like yo chrisley's diarrhea in there it smells like shit and then i gotta deal and i gotta deal with everybody online like yo ch, Chris Lee had diarrhea. I don't even really give a fuck about that. But also, it's annoying that then people will be like, everybody has diarrhea, you know? Whatever. My whole point is that lady, more people should be like that lady. But also, dude, and then David Sullivan had to do it.

And he was like, man, I was, we went to, we flew in somewhere else. and he was like man man i was when we went to we flew in somewhere else and he was like man oh back to la he was like i was almost gonna do that lady did man i had to go because i ate steak last night and then drank a coffee this morning um yeah so that was just amazing i love it but you really get a taste when you're traveling, of how literally insane everyone is, but before the flight was even over, this young woman was sitting in front of me, and she was like, she goes to the bathroom, this whole thing is everything sitting around the bathroom, but she goes to the bathroom. And before she goes to the bathroom, well, no, she goes to the bathroom. She gets up, walks out.

Before she gets into the bathroom, we're in like row three. So the bathroom is very close. Before she even gets to the bathroom, her alarm goes off. Bro, I was, this was the most, for some reason this really irked me. Her alarm goes off. And very loud. I didn't even know the alarms go that i thought here's the deal i didn't know alarms go that loud on the iphone because i don't put mine at the full blast obviously nothing's happening if you need your alarm to go off when you're waking up nothing's making a sound anyway so don't make it the loudest shit if you're somebody who puts the alarm full blast you're

kind of a piece of shit if you live with someone. Okay? And, you know, I live with someone. Right? So I am doing – I am on the plane. This lady gets up. And before she gets to the bathroom, her alarm goes off. Just bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. You know that one? Bam, bam, bam, bam, pam, pam. You know that one? Pam, pam, pam, pam.

Just so horrible, okay? And I'm like, oh, good, before she got to the bathroom. So she'll hear it, come back, turn it off. Pam, pam, pam, pam, pam. Pam, pam. So I'm, she, guess what she does? Gets in the fucking shitter. So I'm like, oh, are you, she doesn't hear it?

Because it's so loud, all right? Does a whole shit in the bathroom or piss. I don't know. Maybe sometimes ladies take a long time to piss because you got to sit down. Just the whole time, pam, pam, pam, pam. Just, I mean, three minutes of this is happening. Pam, pam, pam.

And I'm sitting there like, look, I could reach in front of me, turn the thing off. But guess what I don't do? I don't touch other people's shit. I'm not going to touch someone's phone. I don't care. If the flight attendant wants to come by and touch someone's phone and turn it off, fine. And also, if it bothered me that much, I would touch the phone. But it didn't really bother me that much.

And I know it's going to end as soon as the lady comes out. So I'm chilling, dude. I make all these decisions pretty quickly. It takes three minutes anyway. The whole thing happens in three minutes. That doesn't bother me that much, okay? What happened with that lady doesn't bother me that much. It doesn't really bother me that the sound is happening.

Flying is annoying anyway. This is the worst part, dude. bother me that the sound is happening flying is annoying anyway this is the worst part dude the lady next to me who the whole flight has been this every like every 30 seconds and dude it's one of those things that you don't realize happening. And then once you do, once you do, okay, catch you later, man. I mean, I was getting so livid.

So the lady who's sniffing next to me, I was like, Pam, Pam, Pam. Pam, Pam, Pam. getting so livid so the lady who's sniffing next to me i was like like she the sniffer turns to me okay i'm on my phone texting people she turns to me and says, is that your phone? Dude, three minutes in. Is that your phone? Hey, ma'am, get a clue dude i'm i'm on my and i'm by the way i'm doing this i'm doing this is what i'm doing oh oh man pam pam pam oh dude nobody's in the seat in front of me shit dude so many fucking things were wrong with this. First of all, why would I wait that long?

Okay. But even further before that, why would she wait that long to ask me? So she's at fault for more than I, it's not my phone. Okay. But also if she's waiting that long to ask me, is that your phone that she's at fault here? If she thinks maybe it's my phone, she should have said something already. Three minutes. Is that my phone? Dude. Also it's not my phone. You know why I'm not deaf. Also I'm on my phone looking at my phone. I'm also looking around like, oh, wow, I'm looking at people. She says, is that your phone? And I look at her and I laugh. I say, and I say, I love it. I say, I said, is that my phone? I repeat what she says.

And I say, if this was my phone, I would turn it off. Hey, lady, get a clue. Hey, lady, you been somewhere? Dude, it drove me. That was, I was so, after that, I really got to work on my anger, dude. I was so angry because why was I even angry, dude? Like, what was I angry about? I wasn't angry. She, I was not angry that she would think maybe it was my phone because of any shortcomings for me. I'm angry that she's that much of an idiot. That's what I was angry about. But it can't be that.

I have to see something in myself there. That's on me, obviously. But what the fuck? Is that your phone? What if I said, yeah? I wish I said, yeah. yeah should have been like oh well why don't you turn it off and then oh i thought it was nice and melodic like what the fuck people are nuts dude such a slice of america wow that would be a fucking ed burns movie in 2001

Wow, that would be a fucking Ed Burns movie in 2001. Slice of America starring Ed Burns and the fucking whoever that young girl was in the show 24. Starring Ed Burns and Eliza Dushku. Slice of America. Only white people are in it. Dude, douche goo. Hey,

douche goo. Man, we were in a, we went to, you know, my wife's pregnant as shit. She's about 11 months pregnant. And I mean, her tummy is so big and she's so many, but her tummy is so big. And dude,

I, she's going to, I mean, we're going to have this kid in like a week, you know? And, um, we go to,

we, the second, the day I fly out, I'm on the plane. the plane and she's like uh it's kind of funny but my i think maybe my water might have broken i go like this okay so this is difficult so don't be so typical and also is it life that's fucking with me or is it you that's fucking me something's going on here your water's not breaking because i need to do this special and I'm going to have to fly home and cancel it if my son comes. So I say, all right, well, keep it in check if you start having contractions. Okay.

She's like, well, I'm having Braxton Hicks contractions. I'm like, don't talk to me about things that i have no idea about is it time to go to the goddamn hospital or not you know what i mean so and uh so i fly back and we have an appointment on Monday, I fly back Sunday, we have an appointment on Monday, we go to the doctor and check the thing, doctor checks everything, bleep it out, and she's like, good, great, looks good, and my wife says, you know, I was worried that maybe my water broke five days ago. And here I am just like, don't even bring it up. You know, they're going to do all sorts of fucking tests now. Like just fucking don't even bring it up.

She had like a little, she's like, but I've been kind of leaking. And I'm like, yeah, but, yeah, but. And in my head, and I say, I'm like, it could be just piss though, right? Like fucking so uncouth in the doctor's office. Sweetie, is it piss though? Because the baby's head's on your bladder. Upside down, right? And he's hitting your bladder.

And you could just be going piss. And the doctor's like, well, it could be piss, but urine, she said. It could be urine. But you know what? There are instances where the sack, your water will break and it will be a very tiny leak. And so we should go get it checked out in a hospital. And I'm like, oh, well, when? And she's like now.

And I'm like, great. So now it's a thing. Okay. So we're going to go to the hospital and I'm okay about it because I want to take care of my sweetheart. Right. And my onboard child. My onboard child. Um, but also I don't, I know it's, I know know it's pp you know what i'm talking about the baby's

upside down pushing on your bladder and you're going pp so um we we leave and my wife i couldn't believe my wife was like let's eat lunch first i was like wow okay cool because you know if there's a tear in a in the sack you gotta have the baby you gotta have the baby no matter how little the tear is you gotta go have the baby immediately so they're gonna go to the hospital you test for the baby for the sack to if it opened and then we'll sit there and we'll have the baby if not we go home false alarm so we go we have lunch and then we go to the fucking hospital and uh we get in there and like you know the doctor comes in checks her bleep it out and uh you know it's like an old lady i didn't know that by the way they i forgot i guess i went i guess i've had a kid before so i didn't know that but the the nurse just comes in and just

goes like ah let's check it out oh that's the noise right there that's the noise on the plane so loud though how loud does it go? Oh, I hit the thing. Oh, now it's snoozing. Fuck. Dude. And that's crazy that that went off. So the lady comes in, checks her, and she's like, tested it.

All good. And I go, I knew it was pissed the whole time, dude. I knew it was pissed the whole time, but good. But I'm acting like I didn't know it was pissed the whole time because I'm not an MD. I get it. But I'm like, yeah, okay, it was great. Great. Congratulations.

It was pissed. Or other kind of stuff that just leaks out. You know, the body's going through all sorts of shit. and so then uh we get the lady is like do we have to check the uh cervix cervix is that what's called yeah the lady comes in checks it again goes puts her whole hand in there like my like my wife is like a sock puppet and then uh and then checks it and the lady's like yeah the cervix is soft but it's not dilated so you guys can go home so we go home cervix is soft, but it's not dilated. So you guys can go home. So we go home. And that was that, man. But it's just like.

I don't know anymore, man. It's like I can't wait to have this baby. We have a feeling we know what it was going to be named, but he's got to be. Calvin has been great. So this baby is going to come out with like fucking a Guy Fieri shirt on, you know, and just be like so... He's going to put us through the ringer. Hey, how about how Ronaldo has a $9 million Bugatti?

Cristiano Ronaldo shows off his new $9 million Bugatti. Hey, hey, what's in it? Bacon? Do you know what I mean? The inside is made of bacon. The inside is made of bacon and chocolate, but it's the chocolate is the bacon from the pigs that are only in this one area and they had to ship them in.

What's in it? Nine million dollars? What? Well, and the license plate is on the fucking left side so shitty you know how it looks god that looks so shitty it looks so shitty this car is so shitty you know wow there's only 10 in the world and he has number seven of course because he's number seven i guess nine million dollars imagine driving a nine million dollar car. You just, I mean, imagine valeting it.

Hey, because some assholes would still be like, no, you can't park yourself. You'd be like, yo, this fucking thing is $9 million, man. There's only 10 of them. It doesn't matter. You sure it's $9 million? It's got that shitty license plate on the left side of it. It looks really fucking stupid. Bugatti Centodieci, you know, so fucking Italian, Bugatti Spaghetti Marinara, Bugatti

Brusciuto, it's a Brusciuto Spaghetti Marinara, that's what the car is, that's just fucking unreal, dude, imagine it being like, yeah, yeah, give me the nine million dollar one, fuck, my wife would ding it, you know, my wife would ding it coming in, I hit the gate, for fuck's sake, the gate's been there, it's not, don't, okay, but don't, somehow I'd still be, at fault, my wife, I think something happened to the Bugatti Ventimiglia. What happened? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? Did it, it made a noise.

It made a noise or the fucking, you scraped it. I don't know. And then I look and there's a huge scrape in the side. This is going to cost me a million point five to fix. It's because of the gate. Nah, the gate's been there. You shouldn't get me this car if this is gonna be what's happening don't yell it makes you know dude i want to how come i can't why can't we get mad right fuck god damn it dude chicks be turning on that crying shit and then you got you realize oh fuck

i'm an asshole ah fucking, fucking God damn it. You know? What the fuck? You go like that and they go, this is not a right way to react. Oh, I'm sorry that you crashed my car. It's hard not to be mad, dude. I got to fucking really relax. I got to piss so bad.

We got to take a break. All right, I'm back. Let's watch this video here of this guy who won't get off the plane. He's, all right, this is crazy. The plane, that's totally fine. We know for sure and then then we'll get you okay i just dealt with the fbi i know what i'm up against not the thing to say right away listen i just dealt with the fbi i know what i'm up against and all i mean showing your hand you know that you're a fucking fugitive so it has nothing to do with the dog. It has to do with you. For what? Whatever their complaint is right now,

it's just... They want the dog on the floor and that's against the law. We're not here for the dog. Oh, the guy wants the dog on his seat, dude. Wow, okay. What did I do? Because I'm fucking sick and tired of discrimination.

Discrimination, dude. Unbelievable. The thing is, it's a private entity here. Okay, with federal funds. You guys are about to get so fucked. Wow, dude. So you better fucking read the Constitution. You guys are about to get so fucked.

But they want you off the plane, so you better get off. Okay? Oh, he just goes, not getting off. Dude, you know people are so mad when they don't even say I'm, you know? When they're just like, not getting off. Dude, you know people are so mad when they don't even say I'm, you know? When they're just like, not getting off. Dude, that's so dick. Okay. Well, here's the thing.

We're going to deboard. Deboard. Go ahead, Tom. Come on. Come on. Come on. Could you imagine? Get off.

Wow. Loop. Fucking voiceover. Get off. Get off. Let's get off. Come on, man. We're fucking all of us up. Dude, the dog. Fucking voiceover. Get up. Get off. Let's get off. Come on, man. There's nothing for all of us up.

Dude, the dog's on the seat. Also, who cares, dude? Put him on the ground. Look, they're not going to... If I put him on the floor, then I'll stay. You tell him that. Then that's it. I follow rules. You tell him that. Then that's it. I follow rules.

I don't care. Yeah, and now he's on the floor. Now you come by. You're the reason why. See, you're the reason. You don't know why you get problems. This is America. Oh, that's the worst, bro.

This is America. Dude, so then he agreed to put the dog on the ground right now? That's what's happening, right? It's too late, yeah. It's not America. It's Hawaii. It's not Hawaii. He said it's not America.

It's Hawaii, dude. Hawaii got stolen a couple years ago. Are those his pubes? He's showing us his pubes, you know? In the meantime. Thank you. Oh, wow. And you should listen to Eminem.

Huh? So weird. Hey, guess what? Our country's fucked anyway, so thanks for Joe Biden. Oh, dude! Just trying to start a rally, you know? Oh, yeah, well, guess what? Our country's fucked anyway, so thanks to Joe Biden.

Dude! That's like a joke when people go like, great, Biden's America because they can't get their ketchup at a restaurant. Please don't. Please don't even say. We got a comedian on the plane, buddy. Yeah, just being funny. Well, pretty soon...

Oh, boy. America's going to be a police state, so you just keep going. Oh, dude. Getting arrested, you know? You want control? This is my code. I got to get out.

Oh, sorry about that. I'll get it when I go. Wow. I mean, what the fuck, bro? He's just mentally... It makes it less funny if he's... Well, no. God, this guy had lost... He was totally normal in 2019, you know?

And then in 2020, just fucking lost his mind when COVID hit. This is totally a guy that lost his mind when COVID hit. And you know what sucks, too? The dogs like this. The guy's got no shirt on. The guy isn't wearing a shirt. Tell me what lie I've broken. You didn't break the law.

Thank you. Thank you, bro. All they said was get the dog on the ground. It was simple. Discrimination. Discrimination. You should read the law. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Discrimination Discrimination You should read the law Oh no Oh my god

I'm gonna go have a beer And don't give a fuck About what you guys say Oh So bad English I hope you go to jail For the freaking rest of the life Guy doesn't know how it works

I hope you go to jail For the freaking rest of life Cause he brought a dog on a plane And won't get off the plane You know What are you in here for? Murder What are you in here for murder what are you in here for ah biden's america well guess what i was strangled at soja so why don't you guys go fucking read that why don't you just go die because you're not american oh dude oh dude wow this guy is gangster. Why don't you just die because you're not American, man?

A fucking 8th grade burn, you know? Who's shooting this, by the way? The dog? He is? I haven't broken any fucking laws yet. Yet. Yet. Why?

Dude, it's a company. You gotta go, bro. That guy's got no shirt on, dude. Don't fucking touch me. No, I'm not. You're gonna have the biggest fucking lawsuit ever. Oh, I'm not. You're going to have the biggest fucking lawsuit ever. Oh, I bet. Okay. Lawsuit, lawsuit.

Hey, lawsuit. I've got you guys on camera. Come on up here. I haven't broken any laws. Do you guys want to read the ADA law? Wow. This guy. Holy fuck.

It's like. Seven of these. Please don't, please. America, this is a first amendment right you guys have discriminated more is that diplo this is fucking awesome dude I would I would I thought the fucking kawaii bus was bad you know okay wherever wherever you, it's bad, you know? Wow, no shirt on, just walking through the airport.

Holding the camera so high, too, for some reason. Yes, sir. I mean, why is the camera so fucking high dude is it a drone is he operating a drone I mean how far does this shot go does it go all the way for him to go into jail just being so defiant you know No thank you I'll scan He looks Just being so defiant you know

Being so fucking defiant For no reason Yeah what crime have I committed Oh Oh Okay what can you tell me what statue and why i broke all right well you need to tell me what law i've broken oh okay so right now we're asking for your idea oh dude like doesn't understand how business works let's not get it twisted what this isn't a service animal it's an emotional support

animal if you're a blind man with actual oh yeah yeah of course yeah dude that is crazy wow biden's america there you go dude can't have a dog as a passenger biden's america can't have a fucking dog the dog had more clothes on than him dude the guy had no shirt on on a plane could you imagine how fucking annoying it is to be if you're somebody on that plane sorry to bother you but we had to come and tell you how much we really enjoyed

the show didn't we, Garth? Hey, man, this is Garth. With the Native Americans. In fact, isn't Milwaukee an Indian name? Yes, Pete, it is. Actually, it's pronounced Miliwake. There we go. That's what I fucking knew.

That's what I got it from. Great. Okay, well, whatever. Huh? Hey, guys, that's it for YouTube. If you want to catch the unedited version of this show, go to patreon.com slash chrystalia, and then you got to go to,

you can get the uncut, unedited show, and you can also get the back episodes of Congratulations. I think there's like 25 of them right now. You can get them all right now just for six bucks. So go to chrystaliaLeah.com or Patreon.com slash ChrisLeah that's what you gotta go to, thanks guys I'm gonna fuck your child, I'm gonna fuck your mother.