Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 310. Blue Check Fakers

Episode Date: April 13, 2023

😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris watched The Fly, met the rudest person ever, and has a lot to say about check marks. Plus Chris takes a look at the 2023 Stagecoach lineup! 👉 Get a 60-day free trial at shipstation.com/congrats. Thanks to ShipStation for sponsoring the show!  Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, tickets are up. Crystalia.com. Hamilton is almost sold out. We've got Montreal, Edmonton. A lot of Canadian dates are about to sell out. Canada, love you. But they're all, I'm coming up on, I'm doing Ohio. And I will be also in a bunch of different places.

So go to Crystalia.com. Salt Lake City. You know what I mean? Figure it out. But thank you very much. And also welcome to the next episode of Congratulations. I woke up in, first of all, dude, like and subscribe. We're moving up, dude. We are moving up.

We're gaining subscribers. What the heck is what? Dude, what the? What the hell? Oh, my God. No way. So good singing. I love the way that guy sings.

But, yeah, dude, that's what's up. We enjoy your viewership and also your subscription and all that. Whatever. It doesn't matter. But, you know, it does matter, honestly. But really, I woke up in a great mood. It's really nice out today. And I woke up in a great mood.

Hey, moods, huh? How about moods? They just are going to be up and down and then you're going to have a wow day. And then, Oh, all of a sudden something maybe minuscule will happen. And then guess what? Boom, boom. All of us. Oh, that hurt a tremendous amount, dude. Wow. Yes, dude. I hit my finger on this side of the microphone and it hurts so bad. And it was that that's honestly symbolic for what happened because today I was in such a great, I was in such a great mood. And I go to, I go to get a, I go to get a sandwich. I'm with David Sullivan. He was at my house already when I woke up for some reason. By the way, no idea how it happened. Woke up, Calvin was already playing with him downstairs. Had it happened. He was over last night.

We were having a good time watching The Fly. Does D'Elia stop after The Fly? No. Did he watch The Fly with Jeff Goldblum? Yes, he did. Yes, he did. He watched it with watch The Fly with Jeff Goldblum? Yes, he did. Yes, he did. He watched it with Geena Davis and Jeff Goldblum. The 1980s classic.

The great movie, 93% on Rotten Tomatoes. Now, we don't trust Rotten Tomatoes, but still, 93% and deserved. It's a very good movie. We watched The Fly. Does D'Elia stop there? Not if there's a sequel. Not if there's a sequel. Not if there's a sequel. Now, is the sequel going to be good from the fly?

How could it be? It was such a standalone movie. Now, my buddy, Eric Stoltz, is in The Fly 2. Name dropping, it's fine, dude. It doesn't matter. He's one of the coolest dudes. That movie is a 29% on Rotten Tomato. Is it weird to be 93% and then the next one 29%? They must have royally effed up. And boy, let me tell you, both of them are very well-deserved.

Both of them are very well-deserved. Dude, I don't, my, the worst kind of movie, I think, has the bad guy in it. And for no reason, he just doesn't like the good guy. Right? Like, it's one of those things where the guy's just kind of chilling, the lead character's chilling. And then all of a sudden, they cut to the bad guy for the first time. And he's just like, he literally has a taser in his arm, in his hand, the bad guy in the movie. And he says, one day he'll get his.

And I'm just like, wow, just already doesn't like him. That's such a common thing in movies period. But in the eighties, it was so ubiquitous. Um, so I watched that movie with David Sullivan and here's the thing about David Sullivan. I always watch bad movies with him. He says, but I asked him to come over and watch The Fly. He didn't. And then the next night I had to watch The Fly 2. He came over and watched The Fly 2. And there's another bad movie that we watched together. And he said, man, why do you always watch bad movies with me?

And I was like, well, dude, I watched The Fly last night. And that's a good movie. Anyway, dude, my point is he was already at my house when I woke up this morning. I guess he slept over. Had no idea. Went up to bed. Thought he left. Didn't leave, I guess he slept over. Had no idea. Went up to bed. Thought he left. Didn't leave, I guess.

So, um, woke up in a good mood. Took some stuff to the Salvation Army, uh, or, uh, Goodwill, whatever. Cause we had some stuff, you know, I told Calvin we had to, you know, because his brother's coming this week, we think. And, um, which is going to be amazing. I'll report to you next week about that. And we took, we've got like these extra toys

that we were going to donate. And Calvin was like, didn't understand the concept. It was really, really cute. So he had like, you know, because on birthday parties, sometimes they get the same gift. So he was like, we brought out all his old toys, sometimes they get the same gift. So he was like,

we brought out all his old toys cause we're going to give some to the new baby. But then we had to donate some and he was just like, where's that one going? And we were like, well, you have this already kind of,

and we got good use of it out of it and we're going to donate it and we're going to give it to another kid. So which one do you want? We were having two of the toys. So which one do you want to keep? And he goes like this, both of them more like, yeah, but it's kind of the same thing. And so we're going to give one of these to another kid. And he says, who? And we, and we, we're like, ah, you kind of got us, dude. Like we don't know who. So we were just like a kid in

need. You know, some, some kids don't have toys or don't have many toys and you have toys and we're very fortunate. And he says, some kids don't have toys. And he was like, why? And I was like, ah, this is not even, I don't even want to be feeling this stuff at this point. Like, right. Cause now I'm sad. Well, because some of the parents, you know, they can't afford to, and now I'm feeling bad. My son's just asking why. And it's not even his fault, but I'm like, oh, we got to, his fault but i'm like oh we gotta we're just gonna give it away all right you got one and um no but i was like you know we got to give it away so we gave him one which one do you want he looks and he's just like after a long pause he was just like the yellow one so like all right we'll give the red one away so we gave the red one away anyway i drove to salvation army or no goodwill which they're assigned and goodwillwill is cool, it's like

a G, but you'd think it's just a G for Goodwill, but really it's a happy face, and you're like, okay, and so I drove to get something to eat first, I was gonna meet David Sullivan, because he was taking his car, and I was taking my car, you know, because he had his car in my place, we drove, we get there, and there is a car in, I'm in a good mood, dude. I'm Mr. Good mood at this point. I'm Mr. Fucking, I'm walking, I'm driving down the street and it's, it's like that song, Mr. Good, thank you. Mr. Big, what is it? Big star? I don't know. Big stuff so far in Mr. Big star. And so, um, I, I noticed there's no parking spaces in the except for there's there's there's there's two parking spaces, one in front of another. Right. It's this it's on the side of the street with the parking meters and all that. And in the middle of the two spaces, there's a car.

And I'm like, wow, what a piece of shit. Right. That's somebody parked there. But then I'm like, you know what? It might not be their fault. That's the worst thing about parking. Sometimes you think when somebody parks like an asshole, it's their fault, but it might actually not be right. It might be the person who parked before them next to, you don't know who parked first, maybe it was the person next to them and they may do the best thing that they could. So really you, you don't get to be mad at that person. So when it seems to be someone parked shitty, not only am I mad that someone parked shitty,

but I'm mad, I don't know who, and then I'm mad because I don't know who, what to be mad at. So I've got like this anger around me and where does it go? It's just kind of in me. So I'm like, all right, so I don't know if they parked shitty. And then the person, because they were forced to park shitty. And then the person who actually parked shitty left already. You feel me? So I drive up to the car and I noticed the windows open and I noticed there's actually someone in the car. So now I'm like, okay, piece of shit is

definitely in the car. They could have moved the car, but whatever. Maybe they're just chilling and they don't even know that I'm there yet. So I try to park and I realize it's too difficult. I don't want to ding them because they're straddling the two spaces, right? I don't want to ding them, but I also don't want them to think I'm going to ding them. But I also don't want them to think I'm going to ding them. So I pull back out. I roll down my window.

And I say to the lady, there was two people in the car. One is a lady and the other one I don't know. It turns out she's a lady, but I don't know this yet. And I say to her from my car behind me, I say, excuse me, do you mind backing up a little bit? And then I hear her say something. And then I say something, but I don't know what it is. So I say, I'm asking, do you mind if you back up a little bit? And then she says, can you say please? Anger activated. All right? can you say please so i'm like huh if and so now i'm like wait a minute certainly she can't be this big of an

asshole right so i must have been rude. That's the only acceptable reason why she would say that in my head at this moment. I must have been rude as shit. But then I rewind in my head the last 15 seconds. And not only did I say, please move. I said, do you, not only did I say move, I said, do you mind moving back a little bit? And then I think, wait a minute, she saw me struggling first. Anybody who is not even a nice person, but a person would see someone struggling and then go, oh, I better move back because this is going to be uncomfortable for them and me, in effect.

So I say, do you mind moving back? Then I say it again because then she said, can you say please? And then I said, actually, I think I was polite enough. That's what I said. And she said, then i'll stay right here and i said okay but i'm gonna be really uncomfortably close to you when i park he says okay so now one thing's for sure. Park in there. Okay. I park. It's fine.

I'm very close to her car. I'm like that close. And I walk out and I, her windows open. So I say, I walk up to her. I said, Hey, just so you know, I don't know if you know this, but you're taking up two spaces and people can't park she cut me off and she said i don't care and i said yeah i understand that but you could get a ticket you may not care but someone who's given a ticket may care and give you a ticket you have to pay money for it and she says did i i said i don't care right and i, I'm just trying to help you out. And she

goes like this back up. I said, okay, I'm just back up. And I mean, this is exactly how it went. And by the way, she's eating like a fucking piece of shit, like just some kind of breakfast burrito, just eating it, just horse mouth in it, you know? And, and next to her is another lady like 20 years older than her eating something else, not even looking. It's so weird. So I'm like, wow, that sucks. Right. And I'm so, you know, I want to say angry, but also I'm like, I'm activated. I'm like, whoa, because you never know what, look, I asked her nicely. Do you mind moving back? Because the, by the way, I understand saying please, and I'm all for being polite.

But if you say, do you mind that takes the place of please a hundred percent. Also, she was already being shitty because she saw me struggling. I pulled it in out two times, anyway, but also like I have a tape that plays in my head where I'm like, maybe I'm a piece of shit, so like I'm walking, I walk across the place, I meet up with David Sullivan who's wearing a fucking cowboy hat and cowboy boots, like he left my house without that, and cowboy boots. Like, he left my house without that.

I show up to the place, he's got blue, like turquoise, no, teal cowboy boots, and a cowboy hat. So now I'm like, okay, I left the house in a good mood. Hey, Jesus Christ, you're really testing me, aren't you?

Not only do I have to deal with this parking situation and the chick horse mouth horse mouth in a fucking breakfast burrito and I gotta now I gotta see you know what do you call it Brokeback Mountain at fucking Jones on third.

So I, so I walk and I'm like, man, and I, I already judged. I'm like, I think that was, I say to Dave, I said, I think that was the rudest, actually the rudest thing that I've ever encountered in my life. Like just, and I don't mean worst encounter. I've had plenty of way worse encounters with people, but when it comes to just sheer rudeness for no reason, like I remember one time I had told this story before, but I was a coffee bean. I went to go to coffee bean at Beverly Hills and I was waiting in line. And this Beverly Hills lady came in and just stand, stood right in front of me in the line.

And I said, Oh, excuse me, ma'am. I, um, I,am. I was in line. And she looks back at me and she literally goes like this. Oh, no, you weren't. Like, I'm a silly goose. So that was so rude. But this was like, oh, my God, right? that was so rude but this was like oh my god right so i'm in there and now now i'm i'm i'm not just activated and like because you know because i thought like am i going to get like

if this happened out of nowhere what the hell else could happen in the next few minutes without out of nowhere so i get there i say to david exactly what happened and i'm like what happened is that okay like was I shitty or something? Did I do something wrong? He's like, no, it doesn't sound like it. And so now, and then all of a sudden I get very sad, like sad for this woman, sad that this situation happened, sad about how much her life, it must be so hard, you know? Like, I don't know, you know? And then I'm like, maybe somebody, maybe she just lost her father, right, you never know what people are going through, but then I'm like, man, if I just, something like that happened to me, I might snap at someone, but that was crazy, but anyway,

whatever, people are dealing with different shit, so I'm so sad, now I'm, and then I'm so sad for like two hours, like two hours, I'm spinning out about this, dude. I almost start like, like, I can't stop thinking about it. I'm emotional about it. I'm like, and, and, and I wonder if this lady knew what my next two hours was like, you know, she probably wouldn't give a shit, but it just was so wild that people were so, dude, it was so weird. You know what she was like? The fucking bad guy in the beginning of the fly too. For no reason, she just didn't like me. Just insane.

So then I texted Kristen about it. She's like, oh, that's okay. She's like, don't let people derail you from you know your your journey and your your happiness and i'm like yeah you're right and so i was like so what do you want me to pick you up something and she wanted me to pick her up something i go to the counter of the fucking place and they're like sorry the power went out we don't have anything for sale anymore so i'm like oh jesus christ so i went to another place i got her some shit i walked into the sweet greens and the guy dude i had on these fucking this is what i'm dressed like but i also got the tattoos i'm

yatted up and the necklace and it's ridiculous my sunglasses whoopsie daisy they're red and i got fucking cargo pants that don't flare out at the end but they sure as hell don't tighten up and they got splotches of white paint on it and the fucking yeezes with the matching socks to the shirt and dude yeah i'm dripped out but i'm not thinking about it i order something in sweet greens and the gay dude behind the shit that isn't even helping me he goes like this hey man i really like your style and i'm just like bro you know what we're moving up made me sad and then immediately made me happy but then i'm like hey chris what you doing letting people dictate your mood. Hey, Chris,

what you doing letting people accept you or not accept you? What you doing making it so that affects the rest of your whole day? What you doing, me? Hey, me. Be happy on me. Work your shit as best you can. Work your

program. Keep your side of the street clean best you can chill do it let random people make you feel better or worse for hate me chill do it i gotta get over this shit man i gotta i gotta just like you know and fuck this all i'm not trying to be a self-help guru but man you, you gotta let people, this is why I say grow or die, dude. You gotta fucking work your shit and you gotta help as much, man. I was talking to my wife last night and she was just like, she was like, what do you want in life? And I was like, I want to be a great family man and everybody around me that are close friends and family to respect me and love me. And she was like, you're not going to get that unless you feel good about yourself and love yourself. And I was like,

God, mother fucking no. Don't be saying that stuff, dude. I know it's true, but also don't be saying it at 1 a.m. After the fly to don't be saying it. Oh. because it's like dude yeah but you know what i mean oh dude you trying to activate me sweetheart oh boy life's crazy, huh? So you just fucking take the good with the bad, but you can't let it affect you.

And then it's like, fucking God damn it. Why was she so rude? That's nothing to do with me, right? But this is what we talk about now. And now y'all know about me and what I think and all this shit. And it's like, okay, I'm going to have this podcast. Everybody's going to know everything about me and what i think and all this shit and it's like okay i'm gonna have this podcast you're always gonna know everything about me and all my ins and outs okay cool everyone's gonna know everything about me they're all gonna know about my insecurities and i was

now we're gonna talk about everything and everything goes on the insides i gotta talk about conversation. And everybody knows. And they're going to make a clip of this. And the clip's going to, not only is the regular podcast going to get views, but the clip's going to get views. And now everybody knows. And then I got to fucking go on Instagram and see, oh, a bunch of blue checkmark fucking guys are liking my shit, and I'm like, wow, that's amazing, and then I go find out that everyone bought them, and why do I even give a shit about that, dude, hey, what's up, hey, hey, blue check, hey, what you doing having 648 followers, getting verified, what you doing,

what you doing being a fucking licensed massage therapist? Get in the fucking blue check mark. It helps business. Okay. Dude, you know what helps business? Business. You know what I mean? Hey, you know what helps getting business?

Hey, you know what helps business? Business, dude. Okay? Not changing the color next to your name. Hey, you know how business business dude. Okay. Not changing the color next to your name. Right. You buying blue check marks for 11 or $15 a month. I don't know how much it is, whatever, how much it is too much. And I put the frigging clip on Instagram.

Dude, the thing went dummy viral and everyone's fucking getting mad at me. Also loving it, dude. I'm going to tell you how the fuck it is. That's it, dude. I've got nothing left. I will tell you how it is. If you buy a blue check mark, maybe, or if you're a plastic surgeon okay but hey are you johnny Are you Bill? Hey, guy. Keep the $11. Hey. Hey. Are you Nicole?

Hey, Nikki. Keep the $11. Keep the $11. Hey, are you Hank? Hey, hey. Hey, Lisa, keep it. We're good. You helping your business? I mean, it's just so ridiculous.

These people buying. You cooters. Man, Instagram made so much money off the shits. I want to buy. I want to buy. I'm paying to have my blue check mark removed. Bro, here's what they should do. They should make everyone buy.

This is so gangster. And if I was, this is why I don't run the fuck. This is legit why I will never be as big as I possibly can be because I would do shit like this. If I was, this is why I'll never be in charge of anything, dude. If I was Instagram or Facebook or whatever the fuck it is, Mark Zuckerberg, Zuckerberg, Zuckerberg. I would get everyone to buy the Instagram and then whoever bought the Instagrams, I would one day change them all green. And they would all be exposed. So you got licensed massage therapists just like this.

Oh, no. All of a sudden, Lisa's just at the sorority house just like, oh, wait, what? I don't understand it. I get it, though. We all want to be accepted, right? That's why I was upset with the fucking lady at the car. That's why I was upset. That's why I was happy when the fucking gay dude at Sweetgreen said I love my style, dude.

I still think about that shit. Boy, it makes me buzzing. I don't know, dude. Everyone wants their extra shit. Their share. I don't know. We all search for validation in certain ways. And I did it through having sex.

Okay. All good. All good. Deep dive into my psyche. All good. All good. But yeah, this is it, dude. You guys who support this show, really rocking, man.

Really, really rocking. The show's been on, I don't know, four years, five. What has it been? Who cares? What does it matter? But my thing is like and subscribe. And my thing also is, wow, dude, this show is the hardest hitting show. You know, we don't talk about politics.

We talk about the hard hitting issues, dude. Blue check marks on parking spaces. That's what we do, dude. Until we all... I need someone to help build this fucking log cap. Dude, here, I got the fucking blue... I got the blueprints right there. Wow, it looks great. Dude, I'm fucking good. Look at the way how yadded up I am. Jesus Christ. Should I get it all done? My whole body? I'm going to a fucking batman insignia on my chest and just a water slide from the middle of my chest down to my penis that's disgusting

um so anyway dude what's up with this fucking god it's so what it's illegal to be in canada and say something about trans people or what i don't know you know anymore it's like they were just like you can't now you can't say i don't dude you know what's also you know what's violence violence here's the thing that our violence is stabbing someone choking someone shooting someone violence. Here's the thing that our violence is stabbing someone, choking someone, shooting someone, smacking someone, you know, Hey, saying, doing this, Hey, fuck you. That's not violence. Okay. Now granted there's a sliding scale. All right. If you're out there trying to incite a mob. Yeah. I don't think that that should be legal. Hey, come on. Let's get them. That's, that's violence. Hey, look at those people who aren't dressed in the way they should.

Look at the people whose color aren't a shade to my liking. Get them. That's violence. That's the kind of non-silence that's violence. But the second you just are silent, that's not violence. Silence is violence? No. Not silence isn't violence either. That's how much you know silence isn't violence. Silence and how much you know silence isn't violence silence and not they don't want you to be talking and they don't want you to not be talking no matter what you're doing violence right that's basically what they're saying in Canada because it passes rule to where if you're around like a hundred meters at a trans if there's like more than three trans people together and you say something against trans people, you go to jail or get fined or something. And I'm just like, okay.

So look, you're talking about free speech and all this shit. Fine. Free speech. And people are like, they're taking free speech from us dude it's gone already it's it's gone they don't have free speech in canada now i am on tour in canada coming up in september october whatever the fuck i'm gonna go out there and i'm gonna fucking let them have it the way i do all right i don't dude i won't i would never know i would never right i'm sure it under the arts it's okay,

and it's not like we're doing a big trans rally. And by the way, I love trans more than regular people. I love them more than regular people. But it is hilarious how at the fucking thing, they were having a political rally, and they were like, because we think it's violence. If they say that, and they're like behind them, it's like, it's why the, the, the people that they pick, uh, of the, of the trans people to represent the thing. It's always, they're always, it's always, they look like the fifth element,

you know, it's like, ah, or, or, uh, uh, rainbow bright. And it's like, okay, even if a, a chick that identifies as a chick that dresses like this, you, you'd be like, whoa. But if you say, whoa, because you know, they'd be like, that's violence. You're like, all right. You know, how about this? Too much makeup is a lot, right? Uh, you know, and, uh, I don't care if you're a guy or a girl or identify as a guy or a girl, but I'm guy or a girl but i'm a bully right because i'm saying this and i know the other thing is i know that most people agree with what i'm saying but okay they're gonna limit my ads because i said this or whatever it is but the whole point is they is that not taking the free speech away they tuck it and i you know i understand too like

you can't say certain things on youtube You can't say certain things on Instagram That's definitely a slippery slope Because if they You know they are companies And they can do what they want The second you start caving to things I do think though that some things Like I don't think you should be able to say

Whatever the fuck you want on certain platforms Because it definitely leads to deaths. But, you know, I don't know. I guess there needs to be a better system figuring out what the violent things to be said are. Right. Look, like I said, the reason why I'm not in charge of anything is because I would do the blue checkmark thing and make them green one day. But, you know, I just, I'm, everyone's so mixed up, man. I feel like the trans people who are truly trans that are like, I'm a woman, but were born biologically a male, or I don't know how to say it without getting in trouble. But that they are even like, oh, God, can we just – can you stop, guys? I just want to be a woman and I am a woman and just chill, right? Or maybe I'm wrong. Who knows?

What I do know is there's no free speech in Canada. That's crazy, right? They announced their Coachella lineup. Let's look at it because it's always good for a laugh. Wait a minute. Okay. Coachella 2023.

Is this it? Here we go. This is just, this is always good for a laugh. Because, I'll tell you why. Because, wait a minute. Wait, did they announce that Coachella recently?

What did he say? Oh, I think he was telling me Stagecoach. No? He just sent me. Stagecoach lineup is out. Please do that again. He said it Wednesday. Stagecoach. Hardy texted me. Coach. And he said, please. Stagecoach. Hardy texted me.

Coach. And he said, please do that shit again. Yeah. I guess it just came out. I mean, he would know. Here we go. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so good when you do this because it's the whitest shit in the world.

It's just incredible dude so this is 2023 here we go yeah it just came out i don't know either way let's do it so it's amazing this is what's amazing is the drop off of people that i know to then immediately you know how like sometimes you're like, who's in that movie? And they're like, yeah, it's fucking Hugh Jackman. And you're like, oh yeah, I know who that is. And then Julianne Moore.

And you're like, oh yeah, I know who that is. And then they're like, and then Jean Reno. And you're like, yeah, I know that guy. That's the guy from The Professional, right? Like, yeah. And then they're like, yeah. And then fucking Flimbot nanny checkers is is in it and you're like oh okay well i don't know from flimbot nanny checkers to whoever the fuck is in

the movie i'm not gonna know who it is all right and uh and that and and it in the movies it'll be like three people but then this and in coachella it'll be like there'll be like 10 artists you know and then they'll be like by the way way, we also have fucking Smash Kitty. And you're like, I've never heard of him. Stage coach goes from the guy I know to the next person is a fucking goddamn made up name. That AI that you typed in white country singer and, and, uh, and, and just put it in AI. So here we go. Friday, Luke Bryan, know who that is from the acclaimed song, doing my thing from the most, from the important historically important song aptly titled doing my thang from the smash hit doing my thing

luke bryant from the most not only regular name but regular looking guy and regular music. Luke Bryan, the kind of guy that has the music when you walk in at Target and it's playing and you don't even realize it. You know what I'm talking about? That kind of music, right? That's the kind of music Luke Bryan does. You're shopping at Target. They're playing the whole discography of Luke Bryant and you're just like oh look they got these shorts and you're not even

you go oh yeah I might buy a humidifier and it's just doing my thing and you're not even you know you don't have a clue it's even being played. Played. Okay? So Luke Bryan, and then the drop-off is incredible. And I'm not saying fame or – look, I don't – let me just clarify. I don't know these people. That doesn't mean these people are less than. I am firmly saying I'm not the cool one here. I don't know who these people are less than i am firmly saying i'm not the cool one here i don't know who these people are because i'm not involved in this cool culture

where people go and the you know the chicks walk into the fucking thing and they're just like and the guys are like classic i'm not in the cool crew okay luke bryan who's doing his thing then immediately john party and riley green okay so white riley and then the nerve of it to be green afterwards right so white there's never been someone with the last name green that isn't white, by the way. Then ZZ Top. Okay, cool. I know that. Occasionally they'll pepper one in.

Elking. I think I've heard the name. Then we go Breeland. Could be an amusement park. Amusement park about cheese. Have no idea. Welcome to Breeland. Here's some Gouda.

Enjoy the Swiss cheese train. Then there's Melissa Etheridge. Of course I know her, okay? Because it would be absolutely a hate crime if I didn't. Then here we go. And then this is when it gets good. Priscilla Block. Priscilla Block, daughter of Mark Block.

Mark Block here. Okay, so Priscilla Block, then Sammy Kershaw. Wow, this is already goddamn hilarious. How does it happen? Then Ian Munsick. Dude. And then Nate Smith. Regular, dude, might as well book.

Hey, dude, you ever heard regular normal? Oh, who's that? Oh, just a guy, one guy. His name's regular normal. What's he sing? Honestly, just notes. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

That's fucking regular normal. These guys look like they listen to Luke Bryant and they go too much. No, no, no. They go to Target. They're like, we got to get out of here. I hear Luke Bryant. Dude, after Nate Smith. They go to Target and they're like, we got to get out of here. I hear Luke Bryan. Dude, after Nate Smith. Dude, what?

Jackson Dean? That's two white guys. That's how white that one is. Then. Trixie. Mattel. Mattel, such a white company. And Trixie, dude. That would be like if your name was fucking Daisy the Gap.

Is that? My producer is showing me a picture of Trixie Mattel. Oh, that's a drag queen, right? Whoa. Moving on. Whoa, dude. I mean, her face, you know? Whoa, so much makeup, dude.

Tim Burton movie. So, all right. Then after Trixie Mattel. What? Are you kidding me? Sea Forth. So white, dude. dude dude white people love this sea you know just being out there seaforth then drake milligan dude what on earth is i i i continually am astonished at these fucking names every year then oh dude american here. That, oh, dude, American aquarium. That's the whitest, what's whiter than an aquarium,

and then American aquarium. Holy fucking shit, dude. aquarium. Holy fucking shit, dude. Oh my God. American aquarium. And then Nordic razor scooter. Just kidding. That is so unbelievably white. Welcome the whitest band since American Aquarium Nordic Razor Scooter. And then just loose leaf paper just blows up. And it goes on against the thing. With a little guitar twang. Oh, my.

Oh, my. Oh, this is fucking insane, dude. Are you kidding me? They're fucking with me now. Flaming Groovies my Oh, this is fucking insane, dude Are you kidding me? They're fucking with me now Flaming Groovies Oh, dude German exchange students Hello, we are the Flaming Groovies

We do country in Germany too Then the last Bandoleros Okay, that's definitely not white Tierra Kennedy Mackenzie Carpenter Bella White Bro, white's in the name then the last bandoleros okay that's definitely not white tiara kennedy mackenzie carpenter bella white bro white's in the name that there will not be saturday april 29th cannot top that in whiteness okay let's go kane brown already first one don't know who it is now remember that's on me old dominion white gabby barrett white brian adams know him. Nico Moon, Nelly. Even the black guy

has a white name. Nelly. That's the name of a babysitter. Then Morgan Wade. Okay. Mary Stewart. And the fabulous superlatives. Wow. Mary Chapin. Carpenter. No her. Cameron Marlowe. Nikki Lane. Corey Kent. Lily Rose. Restless Road. Cooper Allen.

Avrianna. Jamie Wyatt. Keb Moe. Isn't that a... That's a black guy, I think. Trey Burt. Logan Ledger. Bro, these are unbelievable. Let's go to the last one.

Here we go. Chris Stapleton. Obviously, I know who that is. Brooks and Dunn. Know who that is. Parker McCollum. Gone. I'm gone right there.

Parker McCollum, no clue. Tyler Childers. So white. Turnpike Troubadours. Diplo. I know Diplo. That's not country. I guess he could probably do some country shit.

Laney Wilson. Some of these names are so white, I feel like they were already in it. Maybe they weren't Ryan Bingham Parmalee Bailey Zimmerman Luke Grimes Valerie June

Warren Ziders I mean dude Sierra Farrell 49 Winchester Tyler Braden Dude Madeline Edwards. Caitlin Butts.

The next one is Nick Shoulders, dude. Just body parts. Caitlin Butts, Nick Shoulders, Kimmy Tits, and Guy Cockballs. Dude, after that Featuring Guy Fieri, Stageco, Smokehouse Of course Wow

Oh my god This is crazy dude This is just insane It's the whitest shit on earth Wow Okay How does it how they continually outdo themselves and headlining a kleenex wow dude i got sweaty doing that that was a funny thing ha ha ha i gotta blow my nose let me take a break all right i'm back i had to blow my nose. Let me take a break. All right, I'm back. I had to blow my nose.

Yippee, dude. What's up? I forgot about this and I definitely wanted to talk about this. My producer just reminded me. What is up with, uh, Hey, Dolly Lama, sup? Hey, Dalai Lama, sup? This guy, first of all, look at this article. What is, the Dalai Lama apologized for asking a young boy to suck his tongue. It's gross. Hey, bottom line gross the Dalai Lama's apologies for kissing a young boy on the lips and asking him to suck my tongue after a video of the incident sparked outrage on social media the 84 87 year old Buddhist. Hey, also, he's too old to be out, you know?

Like just, when I'm, when I turn 60, I'm indoors for the rest of the time. Just, it's 87. The 87 year old Buddhist priest regrets the incident and wishes apologies to the boy and his family as well as his many friends across the world for the hurt his words may have caused. Oh, his holiness often teases people he meets. I mean, his holiness, you know? Hey, it's 2023.

His holiness. His holiness. Imagine being okay with being called his holiness imagine being okay with being called his holiness imagine being someone hey his holiness get the fuck out of here with that shit um

he often teases people when he meets in an innocent way and put break my shoe fell off fuck I gotta get it sorry, my shoe fell off. Fuck, I got to get it. Sorry, guys, my shoe fell off. Wow, he's making a joke. I love how not even comedians are just being like, I was joking. A video of the incident shared widely on social media shows a young boy approaching Dalai Lama during an event asking him for a hug. the leader calls him on stage and motions to his cheek saying first here

according to life choices for an event the boy obliges him to give a hug then continues to holding on to the boy the leader then motions to his lips lips. I think here also. So creepy. The audience laughs and applauds. The Dalai Lama pauses and adds, and suck my tongue. Okay, you know. I love how the Dalai Lama is probably... Dude, he should... It's hilarious.

Wow. I mean, you know. How is this... This is a real video that they have of it? Thank you. The weirdest part was how long it took him to say it. Oh. I mean. Oh, my. Okay, so.

Actually, that's weird hey guy oh dude that's so weird honestly what is who's the fucking dalai lama by the way he's you know ever since i was a kid he's just like wearing that fucking maroon and gold shit like he's a spartan. He's just fucking floating around. You know? Just doing this shit. And people are just like, oh, there he is. What's he do? He's a priest? A Buddhist priest?

Ah, it's all good, man. I have a podcast. Dude, I would have to... I'll only have a guess if it's the Dalai Lama. Yo, what's up, Dali? Hey, dude, you know what? You're my favorite Dali. It used to be Dali Parton, but now, after your audacity and the way you keep wearing the same shit every day, I think that's awesome. Pretty much only you and Steve Jobs did it.

And Ronald McDonald. The Dalai Lama has long sat at the center of controversy. As a principal leader of the Yellow Hat School of Tibetan Buddhism, the Dalai Lama is among the best known spiritual leaders. Followers of the spiritual sect believe the current Dalai Lama

tends... Oh, it's a different guy always. Wow, like Batman. To be the reincarnation of his 13 predecessors it's not though um wow oh dude he said europe belongs to the europeans which is hilarious people got mad at that even though if you're in Europe, you're European, unless you're visiting,

and then it doesn't belong to you. And then the following year, he apologized for telling the BBC in an interview that she should have a female successor, and she should be more attractive. Wow, that's gangster. I love how the Dalai Lama,

in his head, for sure, even though he's saying like, oh, I shouldn't have said that, he's for sure like, in his head, he's like, I'm just, I'm old school, you know? Yeah, I don't even wear a belt, you know? Like I just, honestly, would expect. I wear curtains. I'm old school.

God, what a bunch of, what a waste of time this will be. The Dalai Lama has spent a lifetime advocating for Tibetan autonomy and has taken steps to ensure that the mission doesn't die with him. That's fine. Though he has dreams of living to 113. You know? Why there? He plans to consult with his advisors around age 90 for instructions about finding a successor.

Well, I still got 23 more years, huh? That's crazy. Look, guys, I know I plan on living to 113, not a day later, but when I'm 90, if I start asking kids to suck my tongue, that's when we start, we got to really kind of, you know that they're going to have the meeting. They're like, look, we know we said 90, but I feel like... Where's the Matthew McConaughey thing? Did you put that on there?

Oh, really? That's weird. You can't link it. Let me play it. I got it on Instagram. Hit, hit. Say nothing. A song, a song, a song.

A song, a song, a song. A song. We're going to talk about that fast lane and how to get in it. We're also going to talk about why we need the other lanes, though. We need the yellow and the red lines. Just talk about traffic. We might even need to take an exit. Only talking about driving. People that I trust, like Tony Robbins, Dean Graziosi, and some others. Oh, wow. Got to the black guy and he said, and some others. So it is. talking about driving. Oh, wow. Got to the black guy and he said,

and some other sorrows. He said, it's only going to be happening once and held up four fingers. The art of living. I'd like to invite you, dude, only talk about traffic. You know, a lot of people want to drive in the left lane of traffic, just gurus, you know what I mean?

But we got to talk about those other four lanes, right? We got to talk about them other lanes, you know? And we might even talk about the other lane. We might even talk about taking an exit. You know, you got to obey the traffic signs, of course, and traffic lights. And that's cool, man. That's great to obey the traffic lights because it's got to be. You got to stop at red so that other people can go. And it's a two-way

street, man, you know? And not only do sometimes streets run perpendicular, but they're also, what do you call it? The other one where they cross each other, right? Whatever the fuck that's called. I can't remember. But you know what, man? Sometimes you're in a car and the person's in another car, man. You got to park. You got to park next to each other. And the parking person, you know, says, park fucked up. You got to be like, will you back up? And she'll be like, get fucking safe, please. You know? You get mad, you know, says, park fucked up. And you got to be like, will you back up? And she'll be like, get fucking, say please. You know, you get mad. You know, and it's all good.

Hard living. That's it for YouTube. If you want the uncut, the raw, the edited, the unedited, sorry, version of the show, go to our Patreon, patreon.com slash, patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. That's where you can get for just six bucks the whole episode. And then also you can get the rest of the episode. There's one extra episode a month for the Patreon. And you can get that and the link to our Discord and all that stuff for just six bucks.

But I think we have like 26 episodes now there that aren't on YouTube. They're just on the Patreon. So you can go watch them all now. Thank you very much, Patreon.com slash chrysalia.