Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 311. The HARDEST I've Laughed in a While

Episode Date: April 20, 2023

😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris has become a double dad. He's got stories of births, scrapes, and hitmen gone wrong. Plus some great deserve it scale videos! 👉 Get a 60-day free trial at shipstation.com/congrats. Thanks to ShipStation for sponsoring the show!  Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk. Calgary, Edmonton, Ottawa, Montreal, Hamilton, Ontario, Cleveland, Ohio, Detroit, Orlando, Fort Myers. That's where I will be. Get your tickets at chrislea.com for the Don't Push Me tour. And that's that. I'm adding more dates. I know you guys are always like, well, why aren't you coming here? It doesn't matter where I post. You guys are always like, well, I didn't come here. First of all, I've been there probably or I'm coming. I just haven't announced it yet. But thank you for coming out. And those are the tickets, christa.com.

So without further ado, this is the new episode of Congratulations. My hair is looking fancy, man. See, that's the thing. You know, I never know. I wash my hair, and then sometimes that day it's banging, and then sometimes it's the next day that's banging. And I wash my hair today, and it's banging. And I wash my hair every three or four days, and that's what's up, dude. Everyone says I look greasy and it's all good. My babies,

I look greasy, but I'm not greasy, man. I'll tell you what, I'm probably one of the cleanest dudes, you know, when it comes to, uh, you know, smells and all that stuff. I brush my teeth all the time, shower all the time. Only thing I don't do every day is wash hair. Cause I heard it's bad for it, but I don't really know if I subscribed to all that. Maybe it's bad to wash your hair every day, but people are like, you got to leave the grease on it because it's healthy for the hair. It's not healthy to always wash it. It dries it out. I do what I want when it comes to that kind of stuff. And what I want to do is be clean, but, you know, sometimes I feel, I don't know. And my hair's looking good.

And that's that about the hair stuff, really. The hair stuff really is, that's what's up. I, well, I mean, I had a crazy great week, which is, you know, the, what should I talk about first? Well, let's just talk about the baby. I mean, we had a baby. And congratulations to me and my wife and Calvin and all of the family members and extended family. And you know what, dude?

We got another baby in the log cabin that's going to help build it. His name is William McHenry D'Elia and, uh, he is beautiful and he's very healthy and he's strong too. Uh, he rolled over, it's been five days and he already rolled over. That's not common. They say like, it takes like a few months and William goes like this. No, uh, um, and rolled over in five days. So that's great. It's so wild becoming a dad again. People say that like, oh, congratulations, you're a dad again,

which is weird to me because you're still a dad. You've been a dad. You're not a dad again. You're a double dad now. you've been a dad you're not a dad again you're a double a double dad now and um so it's a it's it's you know we're in that postpartum thing where it's been six days and you know i don't know how to even i'm reminded of all this feeling which is wild wild because, you know, William hasn't really opened up his eyes yet. I mean, he kind of opens up and looks every now and then, but then he's like, I liked it better on the inside. You know, he's like one of those convicts that's like,

I've been away for so long. I don't know how to do this anymore. I want back in. And then just robs a bank, not even to get the money just to get back in there. But you can't go back into the womb. It's destroyed at this point, you know? So we don't know if we're going to call him William or Billy or Will or Willie. Billy Boy, we're calling him a lot. You know, he's a little boy, but we'll call him that when he gets to be older. But I like the one of the reasons why I like William, first of all, is my dad's name. And second of all, it's the kind of name where you got a lot of nicknames you can pick, you know?

Chilium. Chili. Chili boy. You know? Trillium, which is cool when he gets older. What up, Trillium? You know? Willie Minilly.

Probably shouldn't say that. But, you know, it's is it is uh he could pick and we can pick too so we don't know what we're going to call him but william is his name and uh it's great and it's really fantastic and we went into uh first of all my wife at the end there her brain it was like it was filled with just, you name it. What is it? The silly putty. She was just so, what?

You know who she was like? The right arm. I'm his right arm. I'm Mr. Sterling everything. I'm his right arm, hand man. I'm his silly rabbit. Is that what he calls you? No.

That was what my wife was by the end of it. I would be like, would you like a sandwich? And she'd be like, what is it? What is that? Well, there's turkey in it. No, what's a sandwich? Dude, it was insane. There has been a scrape on our car.

Her car. It's annoying. It's annoying. And, you know, because look, I'm not women's great cars. And, you know, and it's not because they don't know how to drive. That is a fallacy. When people say there's a sexist trope going around like, oh, women can't drive. I don't subscribe to that. Women, they don't care. See, I'm not going to be like, oh like oh yeah women can't drive that's not true it's women they don't care about your possessions right so when there's a curb they go like this

oh you know what i'll try that one and then you go what the you scrape the rip and they and they say well don't yell at me and And then you feel bad. Yes, dude. They got it all figured out. Right. But, um, yeah. And so, so, so, so that's, so we had a scrape on the side of the car and it's from, of all things, Of all things, our own gate. All right? All right? So not something that she doesn't know about.

Because you know why, dude? Because it's our own gate. Right? And it's always there. Okay? So she scrapes it. She doesn't just scrape it once. She scrapes it twice. Here's the best thing about it.

Same exact place. Not even two scrapes. So I'm like, wow, that's amazing. How do you even do that? So she's scraping it. This is months ago. And I walk out and I say, babe, you scraped the side of the thing. And she was like, I don't know't know see it's because you parked too close

and already I'm just like stop the cab you got plenty of feet on the other side so let's use it and she doesn't want to get close to the bloody guts i get it she doesn't want to scrape the bloody guts so she'd rather scrape the gear it's better scrape one car than two cars that's fine right one time my uncle backed up my dad's car into his other car and it's all good

you know you gotta take two of the cars in but so she scraped it i saw it with my own eyes. Somehow it's my fault. So I say, oh, you know, you know what? Okay, fine. I got mad, but I tried to swallow it. You know, it's real hard to swallow my anger because you can still tell I'm mad. You know, like guys try to like be like, well, if I don't react, I talk about this in my act. But like if I don't react, then she can't get mad at me for not being mad. And then they look at you and you're like this. Darting your head around like a meerkat.

And you're like, what? I didn't say anything. There's just a scrape in the car that would have never happened if I were driving. And it's fine. Are you saying women can't drive? No, that's sexist. I'm saying they don't give a shit about your possessions, right?

That's why there's a fucking banana peel inside of the fucking thing. This is there, right? And so, but it's fine, whatever. I realize life's about bigger issues. Who cares if it's a scrape in a door? My wife's a beautiful angel. Who cares, right? She texts me the day before we go in to get the baby out, whatever they call it,

inducing, induction, like it's like a hall of fame, like the baby's getting induced. I'm going in to get induced like they caught some fly balls, you know? I'm going in to get induced like you're a member of the 40-40 club. Like, nah, dude. All right. Oh, hey, are you my wife or are you Ricky Henderson, dude? We're going to get induced. No, dude, don't act like you...

Don't act like we're going to Cooperstown, dude. They voted. They're voted. They want to retire my... They want to Cooperstown, dude. They voted. They're voted. They want to retire my shirt, which is basically your shirt because that's all I've been wearing for the past four months. They're going to hang it up.

I'm going to get induced. So we go. And the day before we get induced she's at sweet greens and she texts me she's like you know that valet that guy that doesn't like me she just is making shit up in her head you know hey you know that valet got. Women will say some shit where you got to go like, huh, well, hold on. Let me go way back into my catalog and see if I've ever had a conversation about this. And then you go, and then you say, no, I don't know. And then they, what, what do you mean? And then you're like, well, okay, I don't see how this is going to work out any at all favorable for me.

Or you can just be like oh yeah that guy and then they keep talking but then maybe you get caught in a lie so really there's no win right so he's like you know the valet guy that hates me and i go deep i'm like i'm on like dial up trying to remember this dude and i remember the dude i'm'm like, oh, yeah, that's right. You said he was rude and the thing. And so I said, what's up? She was like, don't get mad. But I think he scraped the car, the Audi. And I say, what the hell? Oh, my God.

No way. And I'm pissed, right? I mean, I'm pissed. But but i'm like you know what before i get mad let me find out more information about this so say where is it she says on the door and i said well is it below the door because if it's below the door then the good thing is we have to replace that anyway because of, and I'm trying to be very careful, but the bullshit that you did, right? Now, I'm not trying to be a dick, but, right? Because of the way you've been driving, Ray Charles, right? Now, I'm not trying to be a dick.

Do you know what I'm talking about? But just the way you pull in the driveway, Helen Keller, is an absolute travesty, okay? It's like you might as well have Stephen Hawking behind the wheel, okay? Oh, no. I scraped the side. Even he would be aware of it. No, you're right. I had much more room next to the bloody gods.

I should have pulled more to the right. There were five feet. There was so much negative space. And I instead went left and cut it so close to the gate that the screw sticking out absolutely obliterated under the door of the Audi RS Q8. The car is so expensive. This will be so much money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be so much money.

Yeah, yeah. It's going to be so much money. And also it will be a challenge because would you have to would you rather fix it yourself or pay the extremely high deductible on this absolute sports luxury car? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're fucked, husband, and also don't be mad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Commence water coming up commence eyes raining um why are you being so mad it's making my eyes rain so um dude i won't do it once i'll do it twice um anyway dude so i say all right well where is she like, it's on the door. And I was like, well, send a pic. She sends a pic. And to me, it doesn't just look like it's near it.

It looks like it's exactly on it. It looks like it's exactly on the scrape. Oh, well, lucky us. So I say, babe, that looks like the scrape that you did when you hit the gate. And she says, no, I don't know. I don't think so. And I said, well, you scraped the gate right in the same place. And she says, this one's higher.

So I say, okay, you know what I choose? You know what I choose? Happiness. Okay. I'm pissed, but I choose happiness because you know what? You choose, you know what I choose? Happiness. Okay. I'm pissed, but I choose happiness because you know what? You can do that. You can do that. When somebody goes, Hey buddy, fuck you. You could just go like this. No, I choose happiness. So that's what I'm doing. I wait for her to get home. No, you know what I do? I stop at the nail place that she's at

because I know she's there and I want to go surprise her. And I also, and this wasn't a secret thing, but I also do want to, I do want to see this scrape. I pull over, I go into the nail place.

I say, hey, what's up? And she's like, oh, what's up? I'm finishing. Hi. Oh my God. Hey, you know. So I say, oh, I'm going to go. I'm going to actually go look at this scrape. She says, okay. I go. I look at this scrape.

There's one. It's the same exact scrape as the one that she did. They didn't do it again. Dude, it's her. She did it the whole time. It was like the end of the sixth sense. You're like, oh it's you it was like an m night shamalan movie at the end where it's just like it was it was her that that's creepy tell me more about that so now i'm like, oh, I'll go back and say, babe, this is what you did.

And she said, it is? And I said, yeah, remember? Use memory. And I know that memory is like, you know, you don't remember the things that you don't need to remember. But hey, check this out. Something you need to remember. That was the dumbest one I ever did, dude. But dude, hey, check.

Dude, oh shit, it's something you need to remember. Ding, ding, hey, check. Dude, oh shit, it's something she needs to remember. Ding, ding, ding, ding. And I'm like, babe. You did this. She said, I did. I said, yeah, don't you remember? And then the thing, and then we got into like a little bit of a thing. And she said, I don't know.

I didn't really look. Oh, the disrespect, dude. She didn't look. She didn't know the scrape's been there for for months and now she's getting mad at a guy at the fucking valet guy's name and I'm pissed off at I gotta be I'm like maybe I have to fight this guy she said I think he keyed it

so I'm like we can get this baby out of you dude because you don't, what's, you've got a potato in your head, huh, she's like, sorry, I don't even know, I'm just pregnant, it was like so weird, so that night, I'm on a meeting with my, for my brain, for my addiction. You know, I'm on a Zoom fucking anonymous meeting. Because I'm, you know, because of me. And she knocks on the thing. And now I'm like, I'm in a fucking, I can't. All right.

She knocks again. I open up and I'm like, what's up? She's like, we're going to get the baby out tomorrow. They have an opening. And I was like, oh shit. Awesome. It's like fucking waiting in line to buy a Porsche. You know, they're like, what's up? She's like, we're going to get the baby out tomorrow. They have an opening. And I was like, oh shit. Awesome. I was like fucking waiting in line to buy a Porsche. They're like, it's here finally. We can just go in tomorrow

and get this baby. So we go in. We get the baby out. And man, the first time we had a kid, it was so emotional for me. So I'm like, dude, it's going to be so emotional. And I know that because I think that,

that it's not going to be as emotional as it was because I'm ready. Like, because I wasn't ready last time. This time, he ready. Right. So they say, you know, we get there at 10 PM. They, they start, they give her like a pill in the, in it, in her. Like it, you know, they just literally like go in and drop it off. Like it's a prescription. Like they go in, they drop it off.

Like it's some film in 1995. They go hi i'm the midwife uh we're gonna start with i had no idea but like i know about uh the balloon thing that they put in women to make the space for the cervix to dilate i'm a doctor dude and uh they pump it up you know pump it up joe budden comes in and he's just like and so so before this because calvin when he was born it took 14 hours 13 hours but like she was only in hardcore labor or whatever they call it. I'm a doctor. But for, like, an hour and a half.

And that's super quick, especially for the first baby. And they're like, the second one comes quicker. And I'm like, quicker than an hour and a half? That's like ordering Domino's. So they're like, so, all right, you're not really dilating yet. Your cervix is a little bit soft. So what we're going to do before we put the balloon in, because Calvin just got the balloon.

They just put the balloon in and fucking pump it up. And now this time they're like, we're going to drop a pill in there. And I was like, what? The doctor looked at me. The midwife looked at me and she was like, so what we're going to do is we're going to drop a pill in your wife's pussy. It's going to dissolve. It's going to get a little bit more softer.

And then we're going to put in the balloon and we're going to have Joe Biden's going to get a little bit more softer. And then we're going to put in the balloon and we're going to have Joe Budden come in. And I'm like, okay, right. Medical terms. We're going to get the pill. We have a pill. We put it in your wife's twat. And then what happens is it dissolves, right? So we put it in her nappy dugout. It dissolves, right? So your wife, right? We open it up. We look at the hatchet wound. We put it in the hatchet wound, right? So what we do is we take this. So there's a hungry a hundred hungry fried butterfly right there's a hungry fried butterfly so we give this pill to the hungry fried butterfly and um and we put and and and they put the pill in do by the way like birth it's so complicated like i know it completely natural. And at the end of the day, that baby's coming out.

And, you know, back in, could you imagine having a baby back in like the 1500s? That's why so many, the birth rates were like, the fact that these babies survived that, I'll tell you what, man, I'm, I was born in 1980 If I was born in I mean Any earlier than that Yo, dead on arrival Straight up Me

I don't, no way No way, because there's got to be that point Where you're sucking on the Umbilical cord shit with your tummy And then you pop out And by the time you pop out, you're breathing air. You're like, all right, well, what's up with this? But I would have been like, I'm not, I don't want to, I don't want to write. Like I'm sure they had some high-tech shit in the eighties where they were just like, we got it. He's coming. We got to

get them out. Push, push. They knew shit. But dude, you put me and I'm telling you anywhere from 1945 earlier, I'm not, they don't know enough to get me to come out, dude. They don't know enough. So I'm like, I'm staying in and I'm getting to that point where, you know, it's like, oh, he's got to breathe air now. But like, I'm scrunched up against the upper vagina part. And I'm like, I'm not coming out. And that's me DOA dude. Cause I'm smooshed up against the upper vagina part i can't breathe you know i'm saying but they knew what to do and so they were like all right do the whoo-hoo-hee-hee whoo-hoo-hee-hee to my mom so i came out but i'm just saying dude it's so complicated it makes setting up like a fucking ps5 look like eating a banana

birth is crazy. And it has to be that way. So now there's, you know, there's too many people in the world, but this is why, because they figured all this shit out. And so, so now they're like,

so they're like, so the pill dissolved and the cervix is very, we're at two centimeters. So now what we're going to do, we're going to put the balloon in and I'm going to just check that. And there we go.

And I'm feeling the head and the midwife is like, dude, there's so much shit going on. It's like, I don't even understand. We're going to move it. We're going to move it. So what happens is the cord is, uh, might be below the head and that's bad because the baby's adjusted. The heart rate might drop, but, and I'm just like, just, this is so she's like, and then the wifi went out.

And so the wifi is out in the womb. You don't understand what's happening. And it's so much. And you're like, I don't want to know any of this. And they're just telling you because they have to. And in a way it kind of makes you feel better. But then five hours go by and they're like, you're at five centimeters. And they say, check on you in a

little bit. They leave. My wife's chilling, looking at her phone. And all of a sudden she says, oh my God, like a fucking, like an old lady that has just seen the most brilliant, the most brilliant, most brilliant uh what do they call them bougainvilleas just the most brilliant bougainvilleas she's ever seen in her life like a 72 year old that just walked by and just went oh my god like that's how she looked bougainvilleas dude fucking naming something different you know bougainvilleas most cock name for a fucking flower and uh like the bougainvilleas is like some an island you would go to if you were like some fucking stupid white idiot chick on instagram that has wanderlust in her fucking bio you know wanderlust you know what wanderlust means You know what wanderlust means? For real? Hooker. That's what that means, I swear to God. If you see a chick bragging about she's into wanderlust, that means she's sucking dick

on all of the islands. Wanderlust means hooker. So fuck yeah, he speaks the truth, man. I swear to God. So she says, oh my God, like a 72-year-old seeing a bunch of brilliant bougainvilleas. And then I say, what? And she doesn't say anything. And I'm like, you got to follow that up immediately during now.

Or I'm like, what are you looking at online? Like what's happening? Like all sorts of red flags are going. So she says, I think my water broke. And I say, really? And I look, dude, the nurse comes in, peels back the thing. It was like,

it was like, you know, in the movies when you see water break and you're like, okay, well, you're like, that's not how it is. They probably just leaks a little. It looks like the girl's TTN, you know? Right? movies when you see water break and you're like okay well you're like that's not how it is they probably just leaks a little looks like the girl's ttn you know right like you're watching a julie roberts movie and the side character like the water breaks and it's and you're like whoa bro so much water came out

that it was like oh how, how do I say this? Harrowing. You know? Like, I was like, oh my God. I had the same feeling I saw on the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan when the guy's looking for his arm. Because the Germans blew it off, you know? And the nurse was like, oh, okay.

And then Kristen was like, does that happen? Which is the number one thing I say. Is this the normal, you know, oh, okay. And then Kristen was like, does that happen? Which is the number one thing I say. Is this the normal, you know, you want to know? And she was like, does that happen? And the nurse was like, yeah. And I was like, it doesn't happen. The way she's saying it, though, you know? Say it with more conviction, nurse.

Does that happen? Yeah, it can. Oh, but she's, dude, she's lying. The way she did it don't sing it yeah but yeah but i'm lying so now i'm like oh for fuck's sake so the baby's heart rate went down a little bit because all of a sudden the baby was chilling on this sack of water, like a beanbag, just chilling. Love is good. You know? And then all of a sudden and the, and the baby's like, uh, what's up?

this it was five all of a sudden kirsten's like man you gotta put the epidural kick it up a notch and she starts contracting look hard they were like don't have the baby yet the doctor's not here this is happening so quickly we're gonna call the doctor, and Kristen's like, is the doctor close, and she's like, yeah, and so she's having the contractions, and the midwife is like, just hold it, the doctor's not here yet, and Kristen's like, I can't, I gotta push, and then the doctor shows up, and Kristen's like, I can't believe how this is. She's trying to get her feet. The epidural makes your – they stick a syringe in your back, in your spine, and then your legs go numb, which is just like, nah. That's creepy.

Tell me more about that so so she the doctor shows up and the doctor's like okay let me look and she's like okay let's have this baby um so okay so push kristen pushed once and william was just like sup dude he came out and just, she pushed one time. And then we, and then the baby was there. And then the baby was so, I mean, so, so purple that I thought he was a California raisin. And I couldn't, it was, and he came out and they were like, he wasn't really crying. And of course I was scared as shit. And they're like, we got to get him to cry more. Hold on. And they're like, he wasn't really crying. And of course, I was scared as shit. And they're like, we got to get him to cry more. Hold on.

And they're like tickling him. And it took like 40 minutes for him to really just let out that. And then, well, that sounded so good. And so, and then, and now he's great. He's so good. He's so healthy. And it's just a beautiful thing. And then after the baby came, her legs went numb.

So that's cool. And now her brain fucking works again. Thank God. So now I'm a full fucking family guy, like forget it. And I'm still not wanting to go to Coachella. So that's great. I don't, man, it just, I know I've always been against Coachella. You know that I'm, I don't want to say I'm against it. I would just never go. Somebody said to me the other day, man, it just, I know I've always been against Coachella. You know that. I don't want to say I'm against it. I would just never go. Somebody said to me the other day, like, would you go to Coachella ever? And I was like, fuck no.

That seems like my nightmare. I would rather go to Stagecoach than Coachella. That's how much I don't want to go to Coachella because I also, I'm not like a huge fan of country. But like, I would rather go to Stagecoach because it seems a little bit more chill. Like, I don't want to be listening to like hardcore, like holy shit music. I want to be chilled out.

If I'm going to be at a fucking place, I want to be chilled out, right? And you could probably do that at country because there's a lot of slow singing in country, you know? I know there's Frank Ocean and shit, but it's like, at Coachella,

but I just, I don't want to go. So, and then I'm looking at these, um, pictures of Coachella and I see all the hot chicks and I'm like, okay, I don't want to, okay, let's not, but know what I mean? And then I'm like, okay, well, actually, no. Okay, I'm happy, actually. And I'm like, what would it take for me to go to Coachella?

I think it's just bad, period. Also, I'm 43, right? Yeah, they still go though people fucking live it up in Coachella they were so mad like rioting because of what's his name didn't have the merch Frank Ocean wow so Mexican

hey you like that guy Frank Ocean right when he drives around in his Chevy so I don't really know anything about Coachella to be brutally honest with you guys. Did anything interesting happen? No, right? Same shit. We're in the holograms.

Uh, this whole thing I, I looked at and this was nuts. So let me read this with you. and this was nuts. So let me read this with you. I mean, the whole thing here is insane. Parody Hitman. So wait, this is a Parody Hitman website that exists. And there is an air national guardsman that thought it was real and allegedly applied for murder for hire jobs. First of all, don't do that blindly, okay? Hey, dude, I am a hitman. I'm out of work. This sucks. I'm going to go on Craigslist. That's basically what he said, okay? Hitman will take care of somebody for 100 flowers. So this guy, Josiah, how do you pronounce that? Ernesto Garcia, okay,

eventually agreed to kill someone for $5,000 on a conversation with an undercover FBI agent. So, all right, this is an FBI agent that's undercover and it's also a parody? So what's the deal here? Kind of weird, don't really understand it, but as we keep going. Air National Guardsman was arrested and charged Thursday with applying to be a hitman on a parody website 21 tennessee came across

www.rentahitman.com you know as he was searching for contract mercenary jobs to support his family okay Okay, made me kind of pulled on my heartstrings right there. The U.S. So the website was created in 2005 and to advertise a cybersecurity startup, but when it failed,

it would get inquiries for hitman services. Okay. So its administrator converted it to a parody site with false testimonials from people who claim to have used its services.

The criminal complaint says, wow. Wow. Garcia applied on the website for work as a hitman in February, submitting identification documents and a resume. I mean, this guy can just say

it was a joke, right? As well as indicating he was an expert marksman, earning him the nickname Reaper, and was employed in the Air National Guard since 2021. Okay. Garcia continued to follow up the website for about a month. How stupid can you be?

Even more identifying information, including his home address, and a headshot. Dude. A headshot. Like it's a State Farm commercial. And eventually agreed to kill someone for $5,000 in a conversation with an undercover. So. He met up with the guy. Undercover undercover agent, now when did they get the undercover agent involved, is what I'm saying, because this whole thing with, wow, and they had a target

packet with the fictional individual, like, this is the guy, no questions, after agreeing to the terms of the murder arrangement, dude, how far was this joke going to go? I killed him. Psych. Joke's on you. No, he's dead, though. Garcia asked the agent if he needed to provide a photograph of the dead body. Garcia was then arrested by FBI agents.

Wow. Bro, he's going to get off. Because he's just going to be like, nah, I was joking. I just want to see how long, man. This is hilarious, dude, for YouTube, man. It's just gonna be like nah i was joking i just want to see how long man this is so hard to for youtube man it's gonna be for youtube my first youtube um hey josiah outsource it um

a headshot, you know? No pun intended. So here's my headshot under special gills. It says beatboxing. And I know you want me to kill a guy, but check this out. When beatboxers do that part, I'm out. I'm out.

I can't do it, but when they're like... That part's cool, or the... That part, but when they go... I'm out, dude. The beatboxing part, dude. You know, no music does that um dude when they hit that shit it's always some fucking it's always always when you're in fucking when you're in elementary school it's always somebody one of the older kids he's got bad breath and shit just and you're, oh, oh, oh. And you're like, oh, god damn, that smells plastic. Well, Quadir, yeah, he does it well.

But my god, don't get close to him when he does it. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Dude. If your mother only knew. Tasting. If your mother only knew just a beef jerky um wow man wow oh fuck man dude everyone's such a fucking moron in this life. For anyone to judge anyone is insane,

dude. And this guy's just trying to, you're trying to rent a hitman rent, dude. Remember to return me. Ah, here we go. Oh man.

Lawyer. What? ah here we go oh man judge he capping hold on i will start by saying that this assertion that That this assertion that. Oh, cut out. What is this YSL trial? Oh, young Doug. Okay. Oh, yeah, right. He got arrested or whatever.

They say Doug is going to get thrown under the jail. Well, come on, man. Come on. Where's the fucking Wi-Fi? Black Twitter is hilarious. I'm going to start by saying that this assertion that... Come on, dude. Oh, man, I want to see this so bad. Yo, in the meantime, leave a comment about how shitty the fucking Wi-Fi is and we have to fix it.

So like and subscribe, though, and yeah, I'll be in Nashville. But anyway, dude. Why won't this fucking go, dude? And I'm on the good one, too. I'm on... Oh, dude, yes! It's not working! Right when I wanted to. Fucking literally ruined the whole bit. Yes, dude! 100% ruining the bit. It's still color-wheeling.

Yes, man! Oh, dude, come on! Work! Oh my god, man. Oh, dude, come on. Work. Oh, my God, dude. It's 2023. You know that whole thing that Louis C.K. said? Oh, be happy.

You're in an airplane. The Wi-Fi doesn't work. You're 30,000 feet in the air. This is unbelievable. You live in an awesome. Dude, no. Don't have this shit until it works. My Wi-Fi should be working, but it's not. And if I were to say my Wi-Fi working, that's capping.

Why would it not be working right now? Okay, I'll go into fucking, then you know what? I'll go into Safari because I usually use Chrome if I'm brutally honest. And I'm going to use Safari. Thanks for sticking with me, guys, during these hard times. I'm pausing it on Chrome and I'm going, sitting on Chrome and I'm going into the, here we go. We go into the fucking,

what is it? Safari? Surfing Safari, yeah. Oh, and it's not even going, it's not even starting on Safari. I haven't updated, I honestly haven't updated my computer in so long. I think I have fucking Birdie, which is like one of the first ones.

They're on like white snow leopard now. And I literally have fucking Beetle. Wow, dude. There's a little Apple humor for you. You know what? I'll tell you this much. How about the guy? Dude, please work.

Oh, fuck yeah, dude. It's not working. Come on. I will start by saying... I like already, by the way. I'm starting it over just to at least... The... How...

You can tell how... He's trying to... You can tell he's trying to sound smart. You can tell this guy also has a voice with his friends. That's the best. And that's as racist as we get in this podcast. I will start by saying that this assertion that I did not mention the four or three arguments.

Don't worry about that. Okay. Cause it wouldn't be, I'd have to do it anyway. So don't even worry about that. Okay. Okay. I was saying that it's just not true.

It's, it's, it's cat to true it's it's cat to be honest but um that aside though oh my god dude the stenographer just like this capital putting capital letters i will start the way he's trying to suppress his you know i'm saying um all right so check it out so all right so look i agree we have all come here today you know by saying that so many assertion that i did not mention the four or three arguments. Don't worry about that.

First time you ever said the word assertion. I'd have to do it anyway. So don't even worry about that. Okay. Okay. I'm just saying that it's just not true. It's cap, to be honest. Dude, clears it.

Says it's not true first and then says it's cap. The other way. You know, it's just not true. So it's cap, to way you know it's just not true so let's it's it's cap to be honest judge uh your honor um dude i i can't even somebody wrote the first thing dead ass your honor is that what you're laughing at dude you know i'm saying we bleed new york dog right so like check this out judge dead ass man we're gonna be doing a trial right and that's that's all good that's that ain't you know not for nothing my man's my man's in them he ain't do shit

all right if you say he did that's cap um you know i mean you're talking about did he do it or did he do it do it right so the difference is right it's like crazy dog after after the verdict comes in guilty i'll try hard your honor i don't know what you're talking about I'll try hard, Your Honor. I don't know what you're talking about. Cap. I mean, dude, how do you say that to a judge?

That's the funniest fucking thing. That's just not true. That's cap, Your Honor. I have to listen to it again. I mean... I will start by saying that this assertion that I did not mention the four or three arguments. Don't worry about that.

Okay. Cause it wouldn't be, I'd have to. How much is the lower 25? Don't even worry about that. Okay. Okay. I was saying that it's just not true.

It's, it's, it's cap to be honest. But, um, that aside though, I mean, I gonna lose.

Oh, my mind. This is imagine you're you're on trial for murder. What is it? Stealing? What is it? I don't fucking know. And your lawyer says to the fucking judge, yo, judge, that's cap. You go like this, 25 to life.

25 to life. You get ready. You start getting ready. You know what I mean? He's like, I got to put my stuff in. I got to get my stuff in order, see what's going on here because I'm going 25 to life. That's... Did this go viral? How did this not go viral?

Somebody wrote, you're bugging with these charges, Your Honor. Dead ass. wrote you're bugging with these charges your honor dead ass all right well that's absolutely insane that is so fucking funny i was just no i was thinking about the guy who got that fucking apple tattoo when i was doing that because i'm on white lotus instead of uh whatever like i mean i can't i would do it. I got it. We got the thing, right? We got to change the thing. Dominic Fike got the apple tattoo on him.

He got the apple tattoo on him. The logo. So if he has, so he's on, he's on Euphoria, and he, they have to cover it every time, why would you get the fucking Apple, any logo on you, is bat shit crazy, remember the basketball player,

that had the Supreme logo, and then Supreme sued him, and it's just, it's a brand man, that's pretty cool I guess, I need to get one, I gotta get, you's a brand, man, that's pretty cool, I guess, I need to get one, I gotta get, you know what I gotta get,

fucking, what's that, Arpo, the dog, Harpo, what's the dog food, what's the dog food, Alpo,

I'm gonna get Alpo on my fucking forehead, Alpo, dude. Yo, what up? And then I'm going to take pictures like this. Yo, when I see a fucking guy take a pic like this, I lose my shit. And also,

is that to show like, I feel like it originated to show the fucking grills. Dude, it's evolved to the guys just do it. You're showing your gums, dude. Hey, you're gross. Dude, when you do this, you're showing it. Hey, your dentist is supposed to see that. Hey, dude, don't ever show me inside your body unless I'm a doctor. Yo, guys like this.

Or like this, what guys do like this. Oh, man, people really out there thinking they're models, right? People are really out there just... Dude, I got to start taking pictures like this. Near my car like this. And then one like this. Dude, imagine... Imagine if I unironically took a pic like that. Or fuck, god damn it, dude.

I'm just waiting for one of these comedians to lose their minds and fucking do some shit like that. And start thinking that they're really real. Dude, what's up with starting a set so late with artists? Like, dude, they're like, yo, 8 o'clock, but also 11. As you are no doubt aware, many Coach Frank Ocean, many Coachella attendees were disappointed with Frank Ocean's headline set last night, which started an hour late and featured stretches of the performer

just vibing to prerecorded tracks. It's lazy. Now come reports that the festive owl in TMZ that in the days before his performance, Ocean suffered a serious ankle injury. Okay. Okay. Understood.

One of the changes involved nixing an onstage ice rink. Well, you know, don't have that. 100 LA-based hockey players had been rehearsing on an elevated ice rink at Paramount Studios.

We're told upon a row. They joined the set as background dancers and were given, I mean, a Prada bag. Okay, I don't. Yeah, dude, I agree with this.

I totally agree with this shit. There's people that just like critics pick. Dude, critics are such horseshit. And they pick these people that are just like this one comment right here can the untouchable critic darling status go away now i love frank ocean but it's been close to 10 years since his last album first of all i didn't know that it has that's fucking dude there are some people that just can't do wrong it's crazy i i don't know one Frank Ocean song. But man,

these motherfuckers just get anointed. You know? Just anointed. Like Timothy Sportchalet or whatever the fuck his name is. Sportchalet! We take it to the limit! Alright, let's do some the limit. Here's another.

All right, let's do some deserve it skills. Here's one on TikTok. So you know it's going to be good. That's cap lawyer. Holy shit, dude. Oh, fuck. Are you good?

Dead. Unclear. Oh, fuck. Are you good? Dead. Unclear. Oh, my God. Dude, did he say I'm clear? Wow, dude. We got to see that again. Holy shit, dude. Are you good?

Unclear. Oh, unclear. Oh, shit. Died. Yo, that's fucked up. Thank God he had a helmet on. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

That was horrific. Nobody deserves that, honestly. That's, I mean, bowling. Oh, this is an asshole move. What a piece. The mom. Ooh, that is an ultimate 10 plus deserve it scale. What a piece of shit. also with that hair that everyone

has you know the mom what a piece of fucking shit dude honestly i could stand to have him get hurt a little bit more even like the fucking i love how the edge of the TV went right in his skull. Thank God for that. Okay? And for him to windmill a bowling ball. And the mom just had it. Listen to that. Nick. Just had it up to here. Boom. Fuck yeah.

Hell yeah. The TV hit him with that stupid bowling animation, you know? Just like a cloud coming out of the ball or some shit. Turkey. And then a turkey. Dude. Deserved it. I wish karma was that quick all the time. I wish

it was that quick all the time. You know how much better the world would be if karma was legit that quick? Fuck yeah. Okay, here's another deserved scale. That was the best deserved scale we ever had that one isn't showing

here we go sliding down you like this one? Oh What did he think was gonna What language is that, you know? Oh, fuck his asshole came out, you know? Just straight up His asshole came out Bad you know? Just straight up, his asshole came out.

Bad friends, all these guys. Oh, these guys are dying. A made-up language. Okay, so that's... It looked like he got real hurt, so eight. Otherwise, it would be higher. I mean, dude, his whole fucking ass came out here we go oh no

oh fuck imagine that's your dad see so now it's locked in place i just walked right well i got hit twice in the head that's how bad that was you got hit with the ladder and the fucking ship see now it's locked in place he just walked right up and then he drowned you know just fucking just oh my god lights out for that guy hey, put the ladder on a little more securely, you know? Hey, hey captain, move the boat closer. It was so far away. Always wearing overalls, you know?

God, when things happen to guys with overalls, it's always a little bit sweeter. Holy shit, that's a... I hope he didn't get hurt that's a nine though well that's it for youtube if you want the full episode the uncut the raw ish then go to patreon.com crystalia and you will get the entire episode and also uh if you do that you can get all of the backlogged episodes of congratulations and there's like 26 of them now you can just go binge if you're on a road trip or chilling they also make good gifts it's just

six bucks patreon.com thanks guys Yeah, but you're fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking