Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 312. Tucker Out / D'Elia In

Episode Date: April 27, 2023

😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris shares his thoughts on Tucker Carlson's departure from Fox News, Jonathan Majors, and parking in Los Angeles. Plus Calvin's got a question for you... Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I love Sour Watermelons. I love Sour Peaches. I love Sour all of this s***. Bleep that out. But I love them all, man. And my mommy always gets me Sour Hearts for Valentine's Day because she loves me

and that's beautiful. But I love Sour stuff. And that's it. So what are you going to do, huh? ChrisLea.com for your tour I'm in all of Canada I'm in Nashville I'm in Tucson

ChrisLea.com I'm in a bunch of all of the different cities, man It's crazy, dude And I'm adding more We're adding more for the end of December But we got Cincinnati and Columbus, Boise, Salt Lake City, Tucson. I said that already. Colorado Springs, Pueblo, Colorado for some reason.

Charlotte, Knoxville, Little Rock, Arkansas for some reason. And then a bunch of Canadian dates, Detroit, Cleveland, Fort Myers for some reason. And Orlando, Florida, dude. Yeah, man. That's what's up. I got my nice. You know what I started doing lately actually is dressing nicer during the day.

And I've been feeling a little bit better, dude. And not today, but other days. I've been feeling a little bit better because here's the deal. I got a lot. Look, I got nice clothes. Look, it's no secret that I have nice clothes. It's no secret that I've got a lot of nice clothes.

Come on. And I always save them for nighttime because I'm like, nighttime, the freaks come out at night. The freaks come out at night, right? And I hope we don't get copyright strict because of how good that was. But, you know, I'm good. I'm really nice with it when I put my stuff on. Cause I'm not the guy who says, Hey, check out these cool clothes on me. I'm thinking here's me in these clothes, right? These threads are lucky. Um, but yeah, the shirt, you know, the shirt's carefully draped

over my shoulders and all that stuff. And it's nice tight where it needs to be forgiving where it needs to be. But yeah, so I'm doing it at night. And then I nice tight where it needs to be forgiving where it needs to be. But yeah, so I'm doing it at night. And then I realized, dude, your boy's got a bunch of, look, it's no surprise that your boy has a lot of nice clothes. Why doesn't he wear? Cause sometimes I don't wear clothes that are nice in the day. Are you like me? Do you not sometimes wear clothes that are nice in the day because you don't want to have to wash them? And then what if you need them for the nighttime? But it's like, dude, if you have enough nice clothes, then all you got to do is just wear nice clothes all the time.

And yeah, maybe you don't get to wear this nice, you know, thing at night, but it's okay, dude. So I'm just a little bit nicer in the daytime. Also, I don't know if this is a stage shirt, whatever, dude, it's all really important stuff. But anyway, I'm having a good time in life and I'm feeling good. I'll tell you what, man. Some days when I put my phone away and I go out and I live life, my, my, my, uh, my, my, my, you ever do that? You ever lived like the nineties?

Cause when I was in rehab, I didn't have my phone. And sometimes I, you know, like if I'm on the road, I have the flip phone. And sometimes I just, I'll leave my phone in the car. And when I do that, my, my, my, because zoning in on your phone, you're probably not realizing you're doing it. You're probably doing it right now, right? You look at what you're looking at, right? You're on, you're listening to my podcast on your phone, and you're also checking Instagram or TikTok. What are you doing, dude?

We don't want to be living that life. You want to live that my, my, my life, right? So I put my phone away a little bit bit and it was just nice dude it was nice i feel the urge to go check it but it's nice right it's addiction but it's nice did i want to check it yes did i get the hankering yes did i avoid it sometimes did i check it sometimes did i give into the hankering yes sometimes all the time no when i didn't i felt better i felt a little bit of anxiety but that's where the CBD comes in. PureSpectrumCBD.com.

There we go. Congrats. Yeah, I went to the park, and I went with Calvin and a friend, and it was just my, my, my. It was so cute. And he met a little boy there, and I I met the dad and we had a good time just playing around. And my son, uh,

walked up to the boy and he, he goes like this right in his face. Like when I say, say hi to my eyes, when I say, Hey, Hey Calvin, say hi.

Calvin will just walk up to someone's face. Like, like this, like he wants to start a fight, like in his, in his face, just, hi. And he says to the boy, what you doing tonight? In the meantime, it's like 3.30. He says to the boy, what you doing tonight?

That's his thing now. What you doing tonight? Don't know where he heard it. It's like he was watching Night at the Roxbury or something. But he's just, what you doing tonight don't know where he heard it it's like he was watching like night at the roxbury or something but he's just what you doing tonight and he always walks around what you doing tonight and it's hilarious and so cute and so i was at the park and it was really nice man i was at the park and the dad was at the park and we started talking a little bit you know the other kid was three and calvin took his face in his hand took his face in the boy's hands, and he says, want to roll around? And the boy's like, okay, and they just were rolling around. It's beautiful to see the three-year-olds do the socializing and stuff because it's not – once that switch flips, boom.

They're a person, right? Like as soon as – I didn't know why I was going to call him Willie my Nilly, but I was like, is that a little bit? But it's not though. As soon as Willie came out, William, Billy boy, I don't know what we're calling him yet, but Calvin all of a sudden he goes and becomes an older brother. And so now he starts looking like he came down in a suit the other day. Not really, but you know. Yeah, man. So Calvin's getting older.

We're all getting older. And life isn't forever. But life rips, and that's the motto. And you either grow or die, don't you? We got a lot of mottos. But that's it, dude. Life's about mottos, kind of is what I'm saying. By the way, it's hot as all get out in this little room right now.

So I'm telling you right now, if you see a cut, even in the Patreon version, it's because I got to as all get out in this little room right now so i'm telling you right now if you see a cut even in the patreon version it's because i gotta go get some air okay we got rid of calvin's nap and uh because a pediatrician came over and she was just like uh you know what if he's just not doing it, just go ahead. Go ahead. And we're like, alright. So he's been extra tired coming like 8 o'clock. But fighting it, you know? He'll be like this from 4 on.

And you're just like, Calvin, are you tired? And he's like this, no. And you're like, don't need to be a dick about it. And so that probably means if you're snapping like that, you're tired, but you don't know about life yet like that, right? You're tired? And he's like, don't need to be a dick about it. And so that probably means if you're snapping like that, you're tired. But you don't know about life yet like that, right? You're tired? And he's like, no. I know it's big giant Pac-Man.

What you doing tonight? And so I say to him, all right, well, you let me know when you're tired, okay? He's obsessed with when I put him to bed. And I'm not going to talk about my kid the whole time. I know the audience is split on when I talk about my kid and when I don't talk about my kid. Some people love it extra. And some people are like, dude, stick to the silly goose times. And I'm like, why can't it be both? But also, you know, but, uh, he's obsessed with leaving the door a little open for some reason. My son gets locked. Boy, I see a lot of me and I'm right.

He gets upset. He gets locked in sometimes. Like we started leaving the door open for for the bedtime and now we're just like the door would open door would open we'll put him in bed he says door would open i'm like kevin i always leave the door a little open door would open okay dad what you're doing tonight don't want to open and then i'm like he's like where are you gonna go and i'm like downstairs he says no stay up here and then rolls over like like such a dick you know no stay up here i want you to stay up here okay i'll do it and then i go and i stay up here for a little bit and then i stepped out down but um he's been getting so tired lately because he's been you know skipping his nap and dude he was like holding on by a thread it was like.10 and he was just holding his sleep sack, just ready, holding his sleep sack, just ready, but fighting. And I said, buddy, you doing okay? And we were downstairs,

not even close to his room. And he just says, yeah, I'm okay. And then immediately snaps and starts bawling and collapses into my arm and says, leave the door. It'll open. Dude. It was so funny. And so cute, dude, from downstairs from long, just leave the door open, just crying. And I was like, okay, buddy, you want to go upstairs? He says, yeah, leave the done the window open dude kids are so funny they're so funny they're just so funny is the pool tooting he says when the bubbles come out of the jet and i'm like if you say so the other day he was looking at kristen and he says can i see your tongue and she stuck it out he says sure she stuck it out. She says, sure. She stuck it out. And he looks at her. He says, what you doing tonight? I'm just a player, player, player, player. He's just a player,

player. Dude, Calvin needs a fucking pinky ring. Can I see your yeah sure what you doing tonight oh he's just a player player dude that my son walked away like did he had the pimps are gonna with like this look with his hand out like he's swimming and shit when he walks and holding his sleep sack like a cane. He's just a player, player. My son is a month away from saying to someone at the grocery store what that mouth do. Swear to God, dude, I'm just a player. Looking at the fucking coconuts in the aisle or whatever. I'm just a player, player. I'm just a player, player. But anyway, dude. With the door open.

Door open. Bro, I was at this coffee shop at Park. You know how I do. I go to the coffee shop at Park. Fully parking is fully open. Which is like, we're in LA, that never happens. It's just open. There should be a lady with an apron on singing The Hills Are Alive.

In this parking lot, it's open as shit. And I park. You know where I park? Wherever. You know why? Because it's open. Right?

I don't even go like this a little bit. I just drive in, park, like I'm in a fucking, you know, Ben Affleck movie. Like the guy who gets the spot. And you're like, that's not like how it is though. But it was. I'm in Geely right now. So I park two empty spots next to me. I park right away

into the spot to my left. Now that's a little annoying. Why? Because like I said, the parking lot was open and he wants to park right next to me, not only next to me, but where I got to get out. Hey, dingbat, park a space away. So I'm like, all right, fine. Fuck it. I get out. I walked to the coffee shop. I get in the coffee shop and that guy gets out of his car, walks in the coffee shop. I order my coffee and then that guy orders his coffee. And then that guy picks up his phone and says, yeah, what is it? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. What is it? Yeah. Okay. And then he looks at me and he says, guy asked you to move your car?

And I go, huh? He says, telling you to move your car. And I said, what? What? Hey, what phone call are you getting? He's pointing to his thing saying, guy asking you to move your car? And I say, your friend? What do you?

And he just goes like this. Go out there. Already I'm pissed. But also maybe there's a good explanation. Also I'm curious as shit. You know what I mean? This is like one bad guy into the video game Silent Hill. I'm like,

alright, I think maybe I'm into this. I go. There's another guy on the other side of my car parked. And he's too close to my car. And he can't get out. And he says to me, hi, uh, can you move your car? Hey, are you listening guys? Step one, I park in an open field. Step two, guy parks next to me. Hard for me to get out. Step three, guy parks next to me

on the other side. He can't get out. Step four, I get me to move my car? I parked first. Nobody was there. And these two Armenian dudes are just like, because also, look, I love Armenians, you know. But you guys are ready. You guys are ready. I've never seen a race more ready to be disrespected than a fucking Armenian guy, dude. Like, Armenians are the number one,

men and women. You could just be like, wow, look at that guy's got a bunch of flowers. He's like, hey, hey, you don't say flowers around me. You say, what? Get specific when you're talking about them, bro. What kind? You know?

Are they roses? Are they daffodils? I don't know, man. They can be fucking bird of paradise. You just say flowers. You're disrespecting me like I might not know what type they are, dog.

And I'm just, like, I swear to God. And then the chick is in the background like, he said flowers. And you're just like, oh, what's happening? With two phones and shit. And so I'm like, you want me to move my car? And he says, yeah. But he's like, here's the thing. He says, yeah, in such a way that it might be foreign enough to where, oh, fuck, now I can't really be that mad, right? Because I don't know if he's just got the language barrier thing that

makes him seem like a dick when he really wishes he could be a nice guy. Because let's put yourself in Spain. Put yourself in Spain. You don't know Spanish, unless you do. But you don't know. Put yourself in Japan. Nobody who listens to this podcast knows Japanese. Put yourself in Japan, right? You don't know Japanese.

You know a little bit of Japanese. And then some guy's in the way, and you're trying to get into the bathroom. You don't know Japanese, right? So you might be like, you might not move, right? You might just be like, and then the guy's like, he may not know all the words ago.

So you're like, all right, forgiving. So I'm like, maybe he's not being a dick. I can't really, if he was an American guy that just was born here, that had no accident, accent, accident, had no accent, and he was just like, hey, move your car, I would be like, yo, bro, hey, hey, you're, and here's the, the other thing, too, is the paint on my car really hard to duplicate, it's matte, so I don't want him to ding it or key it off, so I'm like, maybe it's not worth it, so I say, you know what, okay, I'll move my car I'm like, maybe it's not worth it. So I say,

you know what? Okay. I'll move my car. I moved my car a little bit and I move it back so he can get out. And he says, thank you. I'm like, at least he says, thank you. So I walked back in and I say to the guy, Hey, was that guy your friend? And he says, yes, thanks. All good. All good. All good. It was cool. It was fine. It was good. All good. All good. It was cool. It was fine. It was good, you know?

I'm glad we got through that, all three of us. Hey, hey, hey. Don't, hey, be more specific when you're talking about flowers. What kind? Sunflower or what? What kind? Bougainvilleas or what what a a lily or what what is it the kind where you blow and all those fucking bullshit things come off be specific dog um second episode in a row i said bougainvilleas.

All good. Bing. Whoops, sorry. Had I ever get rid of. So anyway, but I guess I got good aim. I'm Gambit with the fucking water tops. Oh, so. And then I'm in the fucking coffee shop.

Just now that I'm thinking of it. And this guy, because when I pulled into the coffee shop, there was a guy that was kind of blocking the thing, the entrance to the actual parking lot, a lot of parking lot stories. And I go, bang, but I always try to do the quick one, bang, bang, because the second you go, bang, you're a dick. And it depends on what the person's doing. You can do a bang if they're being an ignoramus. Or if they're trying to be a dick, you can just bang until they move. So I go, bam, and he moves. All good.

Great. I was nice. He was nice. Loved the dude. God, after all that shit happened, the guy, that guy took another parking space, right? Neither here nor there, but he was in the parking. He was in the coffee place. And he says, dude, bucket list.

And I said, huh? And he says, I was in Chris D'Elia's way. And I'm like, oh, yeah, it's all good. That was you in that car? And he says, yup, crazy. And I said, yeah, well, you know, it's all good, man. We got through it. He says, yup. Do you have a dentist? And I said, uh, yeah, but I haven't, I haven't been in a while. Yeah. Why don't you come to me and i was like you're a dentist and he said yeah and i said uh you know okay but you know what i was thinking i'll never see this guy after this you know you know i'm saying Imagine when somebody says, you know the feeling you get when you say, I'm an adult, I'm 43. Some of you guys are 43. Some of you guys are 35. Some of you guys are 50, right?

What do you think? You think, oh, I want to be home, but maybe I can, but I kind of don't want to, but maybe I should. And a party is the most fun thing you can do. Dental work? Hey, guy, go away. Dental work is the worst thing to do. And this guy's like, hey, let me drill into your teeth for a little bit, stranger. So I'm like, okay. Because you don't just,

I got to get to a position. I could have been, this is the thing, man. My wife's always like, you got to be nicer to people. And she's right. So, but it's like, that kind of means lying sometimes. So I'm just like, all right, yeah. He says, can I get your number? I'll just text you with my assistant and we'll set something up.

And I say say 555! You know, like we're, not like we're in a John Cusack movie, but that's the fake number thing. 555, yeah, sure, here we go, here's my number. I leave the, he says, awesome, dude. Set you up. I leave, I get a group text, let me just even, I don't even know if I can find it, but I get a group

text. This was a while ago. Let me pass through these texts that I have. Simon Rex, BLB. Famous comedians. Burt Kreischer. Charles Barkley. Sammy Davis Jr Theo Bobby Lee

I can't Greg Kinnear where is it group text with The Rock and Kevin Hart where the fuck? Um, I should read it to you guys, though.

Hold on. I don't even know if it's... I honestly didn't even read it. I'll read it for the first time here. CBS fucking, you know. Hey, CBS. Chill, dude. I'll be there. You know?

Here we go. I love it. It says, maybe, and then the dentist's office how do they know hi chris please meet my office manager at the place hey and then to the office manager can you work chris into our schedule for a comp oh comped for a comped exam x-rays and teeth whitening and or cleaning please yo dude what the i didn't even read it dude You want to fucking work me in? That ain't no problem.

That ain't no problem. Huh? That ain't no problem. What? Why is it here? God damn it. You want to work me in, dude? Sensational.

Dude. When they call my name. Shit, man. I should have hit him up. Damn, that's... Wow, shit. I should have hit him up. Damn, that's... Wow, shit. Missed it. He said Thursday or Friday.

Well, didn't even... Ghosted my new dentist. Oh, well, you know what? You win some, you lose some. I literally didn't even read it until right now. Wow, dude. What a surprise. Puppy surprise!

Oh, dude, what a surprise. Puppy surprise. Sometimes you meet a dentist and you fucking don't do the shit and you should have done the shit, you know? Isn't that just like life? Coachella happened. Shouldn't have happened. Coachella is just... Jeff Bezos went, you know? So that's, that's, there you go. God, imagine you're at Coachella and you're hanging out

and you're watching like either Frank Ocean or some fucking death cab for cuties. And you're watching like either Frank Ocean or some fucking death cab for cuties. And you're just like rolling your ass off and you turn to your right. I know. And you hear, and, and in the, in the background, like you hear in the,

it very, very, very, very, very quietly. You hear, hell yes. And you turn and it's fucking jeff bezos and you say are you jeff bezos hell yes

dude imagine oh shit that's to remind me to do a check-in with my wife. Recovery. But, yeah, I also get another timer also at 7 because sometimes I forget at 5 and I'm doing something else. And then I got to call my wife. And then I fucking got to do a check-in with my wife and make sure that I'm on path to recovery. All good. That's very important. All good. Struggling with the 12 steps right now.

But it's all good right because i don't really fucking know if i believe in god and god's won't you know change your higher power your higher power can be anything okay it's all good so it's like what's my higher power my friends my family or just the people in the group themselves or like whatever but it's all good so um yeah anyway coachella and you see jeff bezos and it's just like, man, I don't know, man. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and go to fucking Coachella. Week two just happened. But Bezos is killing it. Oh, dude, here's something that I just can click on.

Dylan Mulvaney hot shots. You know, I made a thing about I was talking about Dylan Mulvaney and I posted a clip on it on Instagram. Dude, and I got to tell you, I think that they were, okay, I'm not going to lie. If I squint right there, he looks all right. She looks all right. She looks all right. Sorry. Sorry. I didn't even mean that as a joke.

But – no, that one's bad. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Okay. So anyway, live your life for real. live your life for real um but i posted a clip which i had nothing negative about t-r-a-n-s right i just said uh he looked sorry fucking she looks crazy right right? I said, Dylan is crazy, not because Dylan's trans, because look at him, right? You can tell when someone's crazy by looking at him a lot of the time, right? And like, let's just, let's not mince words here. When someone's crazy know you know because you know why look at their eyes

you know like i've had i've had beef i've had public beef with people look at who might be right about that situation you know what i'm saying look at their eyes and then look at my face which is you know silly goose time uh so i said this thing about it about the thing about how the blood light thing was and i was like look you know because and i said and trans real trans people joke obviously but i was like real trans people are like here we go again some crazy motherfuckers speaking for us meaning dylan and people just i think that they might be suppressing the video because i got a lot of comments under it but not a lot of views yeah yeah but anyway people were like oh really so you can tell when someone's

crazy just by looking at him huh huh? Nice superpower you got. And it's like, yes. It's funny when somebody says something like that, you go back on your heels, but then you're like, wait a minute. Yeah, dude. You know? Like when you see somebody on the side of the street and they're just like, Jesus is not enough. Jesus, Jesus is not enough. Oh, that person's crazy.

Dude, I was at a coffee shop once, got walked in and screamed, scientists everywhere, and walked out. Hey, guess what? He's not a scientist. And I'm not saying T-R-A-N-S, and I say that in case they do do the, you know what I'm saying. They're not, you know,

I don't even care enough. You be you. I don't care enough. I don't care enough, man. I'm a woman. A straight one. I'll suck all sorts of shit. But man, they, you know, these people were, and then some trans people were like, oh, you know what, dude, he's right. Chris is right. And then other people were like, there was one that was just like, you know, you can't speak for the trans community. I love you though.

I like not mean like me, not like they're a fan of mine, but like I send you love and it's just like, I don't know, sending you love and light, you know, don't, Hey, how about this? Don't ever send me, you can send me love. Don't ever send me light. Don't ever, don't ever do the love and light, dude, you get to the light. I go, nah, dude, you stop me love. Don't ever send me light. Don't ever. Don't ever do the love and light. Dude, you get to the light. I go, nah, dude, you stop at love.

You can give me love and cash. You can give me a little love and hip hop. But dude, you go to light. I'm out. I don't need light, dude. The snake, the rat, the cat, the dog. How you gonna see them when you're living in the fog? The fog, the fog, living in the fog.

The fog. Dude, when I was fucking 19, just in my suburban. The snake, the rat, the cat, the dog. How you gonna see them when you're living in the fog? The fog, the fog. Fuck yeah, dude. Nobody know like I know. The black albino. Come and do like a rhino dmx rest in peace dude

fuck yeah man dmx is the illest so was so um yeah dude how about this guy gets high on 40 this guy drank 40 packets of instant coffee at once. Kate! The police arrested me for trespassing and they locked me in a cell for 30 days! I drank a month's worth of coffee in a day! He told me he drank 40 days worth of instant coffee. He's been saving up the whole time he was in jail. Seems pretty hyper.

Hey, can I have some? Hey, can I have a soup? Try to sleep it off. One shot. All I need is one shot of coffee. And it's a coffee. Oh, my. How you feeling?

You know, I'm just going to stay away from the Colombian horse. I can't handle coffee. Apparently not. Hey, I can handle a crystal meth. Stop drinking the coffee. Stop the meth. Stay out of jail. I don't know what the coffee's done.

I do my coffee. I'm cracking. Anyone would think he's high on some illegal drugs, but I confirmed it. He. Stop the meth. Stay out of jail. I don't know what the coffee's done. I do my coffee and I'm cracking. Anyone would think he's high on some illegal drugs, but I confirmed it. He was in the Henderson jail. He really is just high on coffee. Wow. Holy shit. I got to do that.

That looks like a fucking massively good time. And dude, how sore is he going to be the next day? Just so like, just locked up sleeping. I don't mean in jail. His body just locked up sleeping i don't mean in jail lock his body just locked the fuck up and then the next day he just oh his voice is just so gone that's hilarious i gotta watch it again the police arrested me for trespassing and they locked me in a cell for 30 days The Joker. Dude, he's facing a wall.

That's amazing. Dude, the... The cop is drinking. He says, Hey, can I have some? Dude, this guy's the best. He's like the worst batman villain fucking coffee head caffeine brain doctor doctor fucking sankah i don't give a fuck about that joke um

fucking dr sankah fucking fucking who cares dude whatever? Whatever, man. Tucker Carlson fired. Well, mutually agreed to part ways. Yeah, that's like saying mutually agreed to be cut out of fucking Army of the Dead. So, Tucker Carlson and Fox News have agreed to part ways. The network said Monday. The news came less than an hour before CNN announced that the split with longtime long time oh yeah yeah because he him too don lemon and bro what a news what a media shake-up man what the fuck is the world gonna be like in two weeks what if this was the end of the world because don lemon and tucker carlson mr carlson was program last. They were apparently promoting his show

the whole time. And then one day it was just like, it's gone. So I don't know if something happened. Huh. Carlson, I just can't wait to see what these right wing dudes

come up with as a, you know, as a, oh, you know, really what happened, you know, that kind of thing, you know, really what happened, right? What? Well, he spoke on saving the children and they agreed. And then he got them into, that's, that's how they always start. That's how, that's how shit starts. That's how you get people on your side. Save the children, right? Yeah. Yeah. how shit starts. That's how you get people on your side. Save the children, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, good. Let's go throw ourselves into a volcano. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? We want to save the children, don't you? Yeah, of course.

They're children. Okay, then. Jump in. All right. Save the children. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to save the children? Of course I do.

Biden's a lizard, right? I don't know. I mean, he looks... Well, you want to save the children? You don You want to save the children? Of course I do. Biden's a lizard, right? I don't know. I mean, he looks well, you want to save the children? You don't want to save the children? No, I do. Biden's a lizard and save the children? Okay, sure, yeah. Carlson exit comes less than a week after

Fox News agreed to pay $787.5 million to Dominion Voting Systems to settle the election software company's defamation claim. Oh, okay. Wow. Wow. Oh, so they got... Wow. Oh, I wonder if that's why they fired him then. Or mutually

split. Sorry. And Don Lemon's gone huh Don Lemon was pissed you can tell Don Lemon gets so fucking mad you can just tell like you'd be playing Call of Duty and then you'd be like that guy's mad and cut to Don Lemon just like... Yeah, dude. Wow, that's pretty wild.

What a media shake-up is what I like to call it. I like to call it a media shake-up. Because it is, frankly. What is this? A video of a guy. A video of a guy confronting Tucker Carlson. Wow. Look at this smile the guy's got. I don't care, man.

He says I appreciate that. He says I appreciate them. They're in a wine shop, you know? Oh, wow. Called him son. Good job. Whoa, dude. Why did it stop there?

Wow. What a loon that guy was. He just, you are the worst human being. This is Smile. This is a scene from Smile. Wow. He got his face too, dude, that's crazy,

you are, the worst human being, why did he sound like, the South Park, hey, who's the big gay owl, is that him, who's that guy,

yeah, this guy's Chad GPT, hey, can you give me a riddle, sure, here's a riddle for you, this is Chad GPT. Hey, can you give me a riddle? Sure, here's a riddle for you. This is Chad GPT. I am always hungry. I must always be fed. The finger I touch will soon turn red.

What am I? Guy says, are you fire? No, I am not fire. Can you guess the answer to the riddle I provided? I don't know. The answer to the riddle is fire. Fire is always hungry and needs to be fed with fuel. If you touch a finger of flame, it will turn red from the heat. So dumb. The simplest, dumbest thing. No. Oh, what are you? Fire.

That's like, I'm his silly rabbit. Is that what he calls you? No. I'm Mr. Sterling everything. Oh, the fucking... Airplane. Shut up! Get your hands off me!

Oh, they're fighting in the air. Oh, shit. Wow, I said nothing. Oh, boy. I love how Ricky Ricardo's there. Ricky Ricardo, come down, come down. Wow. Wow. Shut up!

We got kids here. Shut up! I didn't touch her. I saw her. I didn't touch her. I didn't touch her. I don't like that. Arrest her ass in Orlando. Let's go!

Oh, that's weird. They're going to Orlando. Even if they weren't going to Orlando, they had to fly to Orlando after that and be like, this is where you belong. That's crazy. Man, this shit is crazy what's going on with...

What's his name? Majors? Jonathan Majors? The Marvel dude? Dr. Kang or whatever the fuck? Guy's got... Apparently, this is it, man. Everyone jump ship. He got arrested for

apparently i don't know how rough he got i don't i'm not i don't know because i don't believe shit that's reported anyway but he hit or so they claim so you claim they hit his girl friend and then got arrested and then she was like oh i didn't mean to do that and then just arrested. And then she was like, oh, I didn't mean to do that. And then just fucking, he was on a, uh, uh, commercial for the army. They yanked it. He was going to be part of the new baseball teams, fucking, uh, season promotion. They yanked it. They took them out of a movie that somebody was, it was supposed to play some guy. They yanked it. They fucking now Marvel is like, what do we do, bro we do bro this guy you we don't know what happened man we don't know what happened now obviously i got a fucking bone to pick with this

shit because we don't know what happened stop in fucking three hours just being like all right dude done this guy we don't know what fucking happened there's crazy people on all sides. We don't know what happened. It's so insane. And then here's the other thing, dude. Hey, the flash. This guy, Ezra, has been accused of all of it. of all of it. You know, it's like, dude, if they ever charge this dude, they're going to be like,

hey, so what are you charging? The guy's going to be like, all of it. All the stuff you can do. That's not good. And this guy's the flash. You know why, dude? They already finished it, they put too much money into it, they put too much, they put too much, he's already in too many DC things, and also, he does, he's non-binary, that's why I said it, oh shit, he said it, dude,

said it dude they don't you know what i mean he's a little right he's doing a little crazy quirky stuff so people are like oh shit well we'll see we'll see but when it when fucking jonathan majors you know why because my wife a week before that shit happened my wife was like man this guy jonathan majors is fucking sexy and i was like, man, this guy, Jonathan Majors, is fucking sexy. And I was like, who's that? And I look at him and I'm like, yeah, you know, he's fucking he's got that beef, right? On the army commercial, he's just like, yo, join the army because you know why? I was in the army and we shoot motherfuckers. And I'm like, I get it, Kristen.

I get it, dude. And then a week later, they go yank, yank. And I'm just like, they go, yank, yank. And I'm just like, but the flash. It only money only mattered. They think this. It just sucks, man. Who knows what happened?

Who knows what happened? Who knows? It's so it's so crazy, it sucks it sucks so that's what that you know so that's where we're at um yeah imagine all the marvel uh guys all had podcasts too and they were just like talking about it making it worse um anyway uh you guys uh yeah so that's what's up. But, so what else? So anyway, so what else is going on? Oh, we got, speaking of fucking great times. No,

I forgot to mention, we got this fucking Grow or Die merch, dude. It's killer. It's beautiful. It's out there and it's live.

ChrisLeah.com We got it and it's fucking so cool. It's out there, and it's live. ChrisLea.com. We got it, and it's fucking so cool. It's got that grower die, like the 80s skater die shit with the flower wilting. Like, is the flower alive or not, dude? And then we got the one plastered over the back like that. Like, oops, off the shoulders. Like, really nice.

Like, it starts with the G over here. And just whoopsie-daisy and all over the back, right? Just kind of cascading over the back. Dude, I'm telling you right now, I make the sickest merch, period. When it comes to comedy, set it and forget it! Like Ron Popeil, dude. Wow, how do I even know that?

That guy's name is Ron Popeil. Worst name alive. Worst name in the history of man, including all the names that were in the 1200s and shit ron popeil anyway dude grow or die christy.com ron is the i thought keith and Ken were bad names. Ron goes like this. Hey, Keith, Ken, excuse me. I'm here. Dude, Ron? Wow.

Wow, dude. I forgot about the name Ron until now. That's the worst fucking name I've ever heard. And then also, his last name is Popeil. You know what? It sounds like an 80s fucking Dodger. Ron Popeil takes the bat. Ron Popeil's at the plate.

Sorely needing at least a double to run in two players to get two runs. Howard Johnson is on third, begging to cross the plate. Ron Popeil, who is coming from the infomercial world, where his coin phrases, set it and forget it, talking about drying beef or also cooking salmon, swing and a miss, strike one.

What's up with my eye? Remember when Vin Scully tweeted a picture of his eye and then died? It's disgraceful how I just said that. All good. It's a crazy world out there. It is a crazy, crazy world out there.

Fuck, there was something I just wanted to talk about, and I just can't remember what the fuck it was, dude. And I can't remember. Great. Fucking can't remember. William's doing well. He's good. He won't stop eating.

Bro, he won't stop eating. You're supposed to get your birth weight. So what happens is you're born. Let's say you're 7'2", which is what William was, and then in the next few days, you lose a bunch of weight because that's all that birth shit that just goes away.

And then in two weeks, you're supposed to reach back to your birth weight. Five days in, William was 7'9". Just a tubby, you know? And that's great. Cause Calvin would not eat. He still doesn't. Like I thought, I thought he was doing well and he is doing well. Like verbally, this dude is Vince Vaughn. Verbally. My son is just like, like he's saying actually and shit and the word available. I swear to God, he said the word available the other day, my mom came over

and she was like, what do you want to play with? And my son said let's see what's available And I was just like okay he's three Right So he's got the gift of gab you know what I mean Of course Look where he comes from but You know I thought he was like tall

And maybe dude he was with that other kid in the park I was talking about earlier on And my gosh man I mean he That kid was like a monster compared to him and he was the same age and but you know my son was talking circles around him so is what it is right yeah let's see what else we got here i want to actually uh i'm so i'm dripping sweat but we'll ride this out I'm dripping sweat, but we'll ride this out. I'm dripping sweat, but we'll ride it out and it's all good. We can do some, I wanted to do these deserved scales and then also some tenders. Poor sea legs. My heels. Oh, wow. Chained up. I mean, what kind of kinky shit is this? This is the most foreign... This is the most Asian thing I've ever seen. The only thing more Asian about this would be if they were at Kmart.

So many Asians at Kmart lately. That's all I'm saying. Oh, wait. She kind of did it. Does she fall in? And then he's trying to help. This is the most deserved. Look at the guy trying to help because he wants to fuck her.

You know what I mean? I'm just good. I'm just a good Samaritan. Getting a job, though. What is this? Like, why are there planks of... Oh, wow. What is this? Like, why are there planks of... Oh, wow.

Oh, wow. Wow. I mean, dude, now the other way she's hanging. Well, she can't do this. I mean, grow an athletic bone for fuck's sake, you know? Have you worked out a day in your life? Am I wrong for this? Why is she shackled to the fucking rope?

Oh, that's it. That's it. And now the dude's going. Wow. Ain't that a metaphor for life? Dude, if I'm there, there we go. I'm cutting the rope if I'm there.

The worst game show. Oh, he bounced. Fend for yourself, bitch. That's what he does. Oh, now he's in. I mean, just jump in. It's a fucking shit. It's shin deep.

Why are they on there? That's how you'd have to get somewhere in a horror movie where everyone is there to kill you. And then the planks come in. Wow, dude. Love it. They deserve. They honestly deserve to get way, way more wet than that. There we go. Oh, wow wow these things are so these things are if you don't look at what are they called what are these things called the jet feet jet that shoot you up on the lake you know i'm

talking about the one with the reporter you have that link with the reporter we played that on this thing find that and send it to me but dude the where you jet up off of the sea and you're in the air, those things are not ready. Okay? I'll tell you right now. Hey, don't do those. They're not ready. All right? That's the fucking, honestly, you know what that is?

That's the Friendster version of what really is supposed to take off the MySpace, right? Friendster was like cool, but then they realized, oh, wait, MySpace is way better. MySpace got all the fucking cash and the money., right? Friendster was like cool, but then they realized, oh wait, MySpace is way better. MySpace got all the fucking cash and the money. This is the Friendster shit. The MySpace is when they do it air, when they do it with air off over the ground.

You don't need to fucking make the one with the tube over the leg. Am I making any sense here? So, here we go. Oh wow, she's trying to dance or he's trying to dance. He's killing it

Oh dude This is going to end it That's really cool looking Oh my god no Dude So Jamaican the whole thing I love it Do you have that clip or no Under it

Oh watch out That's what he said This is my favorite We've watched this before early on in the podcast Do you have that clip or no? Under it? Wow. Oh, watch out. Boombaclot. That's what he said. This is my favorite. We've watched this before. Early on in the podcast. So good.

Love that this happened to this guy. This might have invented the deserved scale and dude the little uh after and it starts right now is it's flamingly funny do you understand hold on let's do it and it starts right this is the ultimate pendulum swing so bitch how he's looking in the so bitch how he's holding it like this dude the whole thing about it fox five new pet at bed just like so ready and then good morning everybody i'm hanging out with my friend john fox five morning news starts look over there and it starts right now dude the fucking uh bro that's it when i see if i were there live in that studio and that happened i don't even laugh i just go piss immediately down my leg and also shit. Even if I, even if I just went, that is the funniest thing to ever happen.

Known to man. And it starts like that. I mean, that was just great. Could it have happened to a fucking more deserving person? No. The shiniest, shortest guy, you know? Let's do another deserving scale. Here we go.

Here we go. With the big-ass fucking thing in the skate park. Wow, let go, buddy. Let go. Let... Dum-dum. I mean, why is... Oh, won't stop. Let go, bro. what is it about that where you don't like oh he's

on one of those fucking dorky ass things that only old white guys or rappers have what are those fucking things called they're called like a dinosaur name or something or it's not a t-rex you know what i'm talking about though that they're're called T-Rexes? Yeah, yeah. Oh, this is not that? Anything with three wheels. An old white guy or only a rapper has. His hat comes off, dude. What?

They're called Slingshot? These are? Yeah, maybe something like that. Dude, you got to be fucking straight up. Like, for real, you got to look like the guy who played the old Flash in the 90s TV show or Lil Durk to have one of these um

anyway that's great wow he deserved it just let go dude let go like eventually if you don't let go the rhythm is gonna get ya the rhythm't let go, the rhythm is going to get you. The rhythm is going to get you. The rhythm is going to get you.

While I fail trying this trick. Wow. Oh, I fucked up. So I leave. Oh, fell for so long. Oh, when people fall. Bro, you know what I realize is the best Deserve It scale? When the thing happens

and that's not it. Then there's more shit that happens. When you think he's just gonna fall, and then a bunch of fucking coffee grinds falls on him or some shit, or the potted plant. Literally. He fell, then fell again, then the thing fell.

Honestly, that the thing fell. Honestly, that's a 10. That's that top note. That is a 10 deserving skill. Didn't get hurt, but has a bunch of shit in his eyes, you know? Like, that is the best. Wow. That was

so good, and I love that he's British and it happened. Alright. That's good. You guys, thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. I appreciate you. It's hot and I'll get out. I got to take – I got to fucking go. I got to go. It's too hot.

Disgusting. I vomited in my mouth. Go to purespectrumcbd.com and type in the code congrats to get your CBD shits, the gummies I like, and also the fucking dropper I use. Those are really good for keeping me at bay. And then go to ChrisDelia.com for my tour dates. Coming up on some Tucson shit and Ohio.

Anyway, dude, and that New Grower Die merch, killing it out there. ChrisDelia.com. Go get it. And it's the best merch in the game. Appreciate you guys. That's it for the episode on YouTube. If you want to check the rest of the episode, the uncut episode, the extended episode with no ads

no nothing go to patreon.com slash chris delia for six bucks only you can get all of the rest of the also you can get always the episode of you can get the hi buddy you want to come in come on in you get the rest of the patreon episode and uh you can also get the we do one episode an extra month and you can uh keep showing yeah you can go sorry my son is being so cute right now come over here buddy um you can get the rest of the episode look at his little top his little head you can get the rest of the uh stuff on patreon uh you have an episode um hey come here you have an episode a month. Hey, come here. You have an episode a month, an extra episode a month. Hey, bud, say hi. Say hi.

Love you, buddy. All right, thanks. Thanks for watching. Yeah, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck