Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 314. Capitalism EXPLAINED

Episode Date: May 4, 2023

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runk oh right guys what's up it's congratulations but also what i want to tell you isn't that like a what is this that's like a devil thing right great people are gonna go nuts that i opened the show with that um i got shows coming out in richmond virginia baltimore uh maryland and philadelphia pennsylvania chrislea.com. They are on sale now. And then I also am going to be in a bunch of different places. I will be in Ohio this week. So get your tickets May 6th, Columbus, and May 7th, Cincinnati.

And then Boise and Tucson, Pueblo, Colorado, and Colorado Springs. I think I'll be in Cleveland also October 20th, so get those. Anyway, welcome to the episode, whatever it is, of congratulations. Oi, oi, oi. What's up? How's it going? We're doing it right it's nice um and uh we're having a good time took my magic mind with my coffee today and it's absolutely ripping um but i am uh being absolutely chill um everything is all good i I woke up this morning.

Well, actually, last night, this is actually hilarious. Last night, I, what is it now today? Today's, we're recording on Monday. So it's episode 313. Sunday night, I was with my buddy. We were hanging out at the house And I go to Take my Trash out

Now if you know your boy He's got the trash can Under the first Under the second level It's on the driveway So I pop out Most of the shit that goes down in my house Goes on the second level

First level That's for suckers It's just you know the garage and a little bit of an entryway. Second level, that's mostly where I reside. Third level, bedroom. Fourth level, helicopter pad, okay? So I am going to take the trash out because the trash is in the driveway, right? Because I keep my bins in the driveway. I go over to take the trash, drop it out the top, aim it right, never missed, let it go. As I let it go, ring goes pink, pink, pink in the trash can. Trash can is horribly full. This is very small. So this is obviously at the bottom. Okay., it's 1am and I go like this, charge it to the game. I'm not, this, the day's already over. I'm not, there's no, I, I, there's no way it's cold. I got, I got only underwear on, like, I'm going to go sift through the trash now. All right? Not only is the trash can full, full of also turd-filled diapers from a two-week-old, right?

Because William won't stop excreting. I mean, it's like he excretes as much as daddy farts, okay? It's unbelievable. So, there's so many diapers with shit in it. And it's full completely. All right? So, I'm like, all right, you know what? Charge it to the game.

Sometimes you just got to go like that. You know, when stuff happens and you just go, okay. All right. Well, that is something that happened. I'm not going to deal with that. I'm not ready to deal with that emotionally. I'm just going to. That's the end of the day.

Tomorrow, not only will the ring still be there, because nobody's going to sift through. Nobody knows the ring's there, right? So what I'm going to do is I'm going to wait until tomorrow, because tomorrow I'm going to wake up. It's going to be sunshiny. I can see where I'm going. I'll get the right gloves.

I'll get a thick, because I do it. I get the mask. I'm not going in. I'm like, I'm going. I'll get the right gloves. I'll get a thick, because I do it. I get the mask. I'm not going in. I'm like, I'm going to puke, right? You ever smell trash? It's the worst. So I wake up the next day, raining. Trash can's still open.

So now, not only is it filled with shitty diapers and disgusting old pizza boxes, it's like shit soup well i'm actually getting so nauseous even thinking about that so it's like a pizza old you know shitty diapers just trash and it's soup and my ring is somewhere in the bottom so i'm like oh i should have got it last night. But maybe I'll be able to like at least see better. So I go down. I get the gloves on.

I get the mask on. My wife's like, you don't need the mask. I was like, I need the mask. Okay. I'm not putting my head in a trap. I don't even know how I'm going to do this yet. I'm getting it all set up. So I go down, take a piece of trash can I don't even know how I'm going to do this yet I'm getting it all set up So I go down Take the trash I dumped last night

Still in the bag Put it in another trash can I got two trash cans I was going to hit the Brinks button But it's not up yet So that's great Perfect And I take another pizza.

I take a pizza box out. I said pizza. One time a guy at a Mexican restaurant said, you want pizza? Mexican pizza? I was like, isn't pizza pizza in Spanish? Pizza. P-I-K-S-A. Or P-I-X-A.

Cool. The sound plan isn't working That's amazing So nothing ever works in this podcast That's fine though it's me It's my thing it's all good Nothing is coming up so that's great Yes so anyway I'm going to have to reset it Awesome I can't reset it because we're going

Alright well you know what no sound boards Um It's not You want me to give it to you how do we do it whatever dude where i'm deep in the deep end of story so uh so i go i take a few things out of the thing and then dude there's like a wheel well in the trash can because my my i would also use the brake truck here because my trash can has wheels on it. I was going beep, beep, beep, but of course it's not coming up, so that's all good.

It's a funny thing to brag about, but my soundboard doesn't have my back, but it's all good. So in the wheel well, it indents in on the trash can. My ring is sitting on the wheel well. I don't even have to turn my trash can over at all. I'm like, dude, this is absolutely fantastic. have to turn my trash can over at all i'm like dude this is this is absolutely fantastic so i go to um grab the ring pick it up awesome look down shit smeared all over my shirt because of the

fucking edge yes dude oh dude he's got shit titties right Oh wee dude Thought he fucking Eeked out of it Oh it just got me Oh it just got me Odell I got shit titties Oh it just got me So that's how my day started

Yes dude All good Can I actually reset my computer and will it be okay? Or will everything go to stop recording? I can do it. All right, cool. Well, then that's what we're going to do. Mute it? Mute what? So it doesn't go bong. Yeah, dude. Because it would, wouldn't it? We do it. So that's cool. I got my ring and life didn't win, did it? I won. I won against life. That's bullshit.

Because I do. I get pissed off when that happens. My computer is resetting so I can get the thing. That's amazing. I need a bad computer. My computer from 1994. I was watching this new TV show called like the Best Collectibles or whatever on Netflix. And it's this guy and he,

uh, he just basically gets all the collectibles and runs a business and has an auction for his collectibles and knows a lot of private investors and shit. Sorry, private collectors. And he just, his whole business is putting collectibles on auction. And one of the things was,

uh, the first, uh, Mac computer. And it was really shitty. It didn't even have like a fucking case on it. Whatever. That's boring.

But this is the shit that you get, dude, when my computer resets. So I got my ring back. And I felt bad too. Because when I went to bed, I was like actually sad that my ring was in the trash. Because I was like, man, that sucks. in the trash because i was like man that sucks it's like my that's like my wedding that's my my my my marriage and like it's technically like in the trash right now the ring the thing that symbolizes it and then i was like i felt a little bit better because i was like it wasn't the ring my wife got me actually on the day she got me the gold one

this was the one that i got later and it's fucking um platinum and that's very interesting and everyone goes like this when i say that when everyone's listening they go like this oh really when i say that i'm probably the number one podcast where people go like this too oh really out loud that's how interesting i am oh shit no you don't say like you're driving along your shit you go like this huh that's what you do when you listen to congratulations fucking pr um so yeah so i feel good and then um dude calvin reasoned with me for the first time today it was fucking hilarious we got a bunch of balloons because it's uh it was david sullivan's birthday and my wife is an absolute maniac when it comes to celebrating anything and she if there's a way to spend money she doesn't overspend but if there's a way to spend money a little bit of money like if my wife can spend 30 on something she's in and what i mean

by that is not as opposed to 400 as opposed to just not doing something like my wife will be like oh it's uh tim's birthday let's get him stuff and i I'm like, is Tim your friend? No, Tim was the guy that you met twice in the park. Let's make him a pie. Come on, we're going to Ralph's. And I'm like, no, I don't want it. Just get in. And then she'll just, and it's $30. Everything is $30 that she wants to celebrate. And she's good. She's thrifty, but

it's too many of the things that are happening. So we go to get balloons and we go to get balloons. You know, I'm like, I'm going to go get coffee. I was like, babe, why don't you come with me? It's fun to get coffee. We'll take little Chilium. We'll take William.

We'll take what's the Dillium. And we'll take Billy Boys, what Calvin's been calling them. It's very cute. And we'll take it. We'll put him in the car. That's the most annoying thing is putting a baby in the car seat. It's really cute. And we'll put him in the car. That's the most annoying thing is putting a baby in the car seat. It's really hard. A baby baby, not a toddler.

A baby baby. It's like every time I put a baby in the car seat, my baby and my William, or whenever I put Calvin when he was a baby baby in the car seat, I'm like, oh, this is his last ride. He's just going to – their chin's just, you know. And you're like, all right, I hope we make it to fucking, I hope we make it to the park, because they can't be like, hey, fix it, right, you're just driving, and they're just, so I buckle them up, and so I said, let's go,

and she's like, no, and she's like, you know what? Actually, let's go. We will go because I got to get stuff for David anyway. I have to spend $30. So what are we going to get? She's like, we're going to get balloons and we're going to get steaks because he's from Texas and he likes steak. And we're going to get steak and I'm going to make steak and I'm going to get balloons. I'm going to get a cowboy themed balloons. And I'm like, you're a fucking nut job.

You're my angel. But hello, nut job, right? Hello fucking nut job. You're my angel, but hello nut job, right? Hello nut job, my wife. You spend $30 on cowboy balloons. Why do you do this at every chance you get? Why are you always spending $35? Let it go. I met the guy three times

He's a friend Of a friend We could use that $35 For Calvin So anyway We go I'm like cool my wife's gonna come with me to coffee Awesome my young man is gonna come with me to coffee

Yes I'm gonna have William And I'm gonna have Kristen We're gonna go to coffee We're gonna I'm going to have William and I'm going to have Kristen. We're going to go to coffee. We're going to leave Calvin with the nanny. It's on, dude. Hell yeah, it's back, dude. It is back. We reset and it was on mute and I had to put it off you in the middle because that's what one fire decided that would be better when I turn the computer on, when I reset it and I did it and it was wrong because it cut out the Jeremy Renner's thing in the middle of it.

So therefore one fire. Anyway, dude, it's all good. We go. We get the balloons. And it takes too long. Yes, dude. Yo, have you ever tried to get balloons? Don't. It takes too long.

Worst game show. Yay. Hi, welcome to It Takes Too Long. Your wife's going to go get balloons today. How long are you going to take oh phil um oh 30 minutes oh you're a fucking loser how could you think it would be so little maybe for you right but your wife's got to go like this a lot oh it took 42 minutes and she's gonna leave you with the baby in the car because she said it'll just take a second oh so i'm staying in the car she finally comes out she goes oh no she comes

to my car she says hey sorry she goes on her with no balloons and she says hey sorry i need your credit card i left mine at home oh shit dude oh but bring all the things. My wife is the least bringing us all the things chick in the world. And I understand she has to bring a lot of things, right? You got to bring diapers. You got to bring wet wipes. You got to bring both babies. You got to bring fucking your wallet too. And she didn't.

And that's fine. Whatever. So she brings out balloons. She brings out balloons It's a cow balloon And a friggin Horse And different color balloons So it's funny, it is funny, I'll give it to her

We put it in the back with the baby, can't see behind me Very dangerous with the baby, all good Then we gotta go to the grocery store and get meats And that's all good, we go I wait in the car again, she takes Too long Yay! And i get out of the car i take the baby i'm like where is she and i walk in i'm holding the baby and everyone's like oh my god how old and i'm like i'm 43 thank you and um and i get there and she says uh oh my god

it's so cool to see you and the baby out together like i and without even knowing it like i saw it it just melts my heart i was like that's amazing I'm still pissed because it's taking so long, but that's a very sweet thing to say. So we get in the car. We go home, and Calvin sees the balloons, and dude, he runs so fast to the balloons, and he says, oh my! And gets the balloons. He's playing with the balloons for a bunch.

They're all together in a sandbag, hanging out. We take one of the balloons off, and we put it on William's wrist. So he's just like sitting there holding the balloon and it's bopping up and down. Calvin knows now that you can separate the balloons. So he leaves the room for a little bit and he comes back and he, this is, he reasoned with me for the first time ever. He comes up to me and he says, I want the cow one. I want the cow balloon. And I look at him because sometimes i just sit and i wait for him to

finish the thought because it's so beautiful and so sweet to watch his brain work he says i want the cow balloon and i waited and he said he said it's so long string is long to the cow he was like i mean it's fine it's so long you can we can wasn't even a good reason but still he tried and for that i cut it off and gave it to him and then he i had to change his diaper i took the the diaper off. As soon as I took it off, he took his finger, put it directly in his butt, and then put it directly in his nose. So I had the cow in a very high-pitched voice tell him that little boys shouldn't put their fingers in their butts. Your finger should never go in your butt. Funger should never go in your butt. Your finger, at least if it goes into your butt,

the last place it should go after that is in your nose. Nice cow balloon. So anyway, dude, that's what's been up. I lost my ring And my son put his finger In his butt And then put it in his nose Cool Cool Cool

So what else Is going on You know It's like We have a good time We have a good time here Congratulations Like and subscribe

Leave a What do you call it Comment For the algorithm And subscribe baby They They reinstated uh what's his name her name amber heard uh to play uh fucking shamu or whatever the goddamn name is i don't know the fucking stupid aquaman shits you know what's his name? Enrique Obama. What's his fucking name? The fucking guy who plays it?

Jason Momoa. Enrique Obama. The worst name, dude. Enrique Obama. Jason Momoa, dude. Anyway, she's going to be in the Aquaman fucking too many, whatever the fucking new one is. Aquaman 4. However many. You know what? You could tell me that there's two Aquamans, and you could be like, there's 11 Aquamans,

and I would have the same reaction. I'd be like, yeah, probably. I don't know. I don't have a fucking clue. But she's going to be back as Aquawoman or whatever the fucking She like yeah probably i don't know i don't have a fucking clue but she's gonna be back as aqua woman or whatever the fucking shira i don't know whatever the hell she's gonna be flipper and um you know that's crazy that is so crazy to me by the way she should be osiris or whatever the fuck her name is right I don't give a fuck but it is crazy that they will just

reinstate a woman and if it's a dude they're fucking out dude they're out they're out a guy could like bump into a lady and he's done forever by the way.

And when a chick is like lying about the shit, this world is mad, dude. And then I love how people are like, fine, they're not getting my $15. Like who gives a shit? Cope. Dude, everybody does everything. You know, she's going to be fucking who she's going to be know She's gonna be fucking Who she's gonna be She's obviously terrible, she's a terrible person

Because of all the bullshit But also we don't even really know what happened Who the fuck knows The relationship was probably toxic Who the fuck knows But she's back She's back as the fucking lady in Aquaman And

That's what's up. So I guess they're going to cut me back into fucking army of the dead now. Um, release the Delia cut, dude. Release the Delia cut, my baby. Um,

this world is mad, dude. This world is mad. Mad world. Mad world. Mad world. I was watching this thing on Hulu. The fucking Grand Wizard, Grand Nighthawk Wizard or whatever the fuck. Dude, the KKK has the dorkiest names.

Hey, wizard. Hey. Dude, you're a 45-year-old guy. Wizard, you know? And so cumbersome, their outfits. Just like can't sit down, got to move it a I want to be like, guys, guys, I don't know, man. I'm here for the... I'm going to be the fucking... Not to play devil's advocate, right? Well, yeah, truly the devil's advocate. Guys, maybe just regular advocate. I don't know if we should be doing all that.

But yeah, so I watched this thing called like Grand Hawk Night Wizard what the hell is it called It's on Hulu it's a KKK documentary Grand Night Hawk so Fucking Dorky dude hi I'm the Grand Night Hawk Huh What

Steve That's so dorky Dude KKK will be like Dude Dragon that's so dorky dude KKK will be like oh dude dragon dragons and wizards dork so dorky

my problem isn't the racism my problem is call each other cooler shit call each other cooler shit. Call each other. I know. I understand you can't have the, you got to kind of go by pseudonyms and you got to also, dude, just, I'm sorry, but wizard, dude.

Call myself wizard, my nizzard. What's up? Hey, guys. I'm the grand wizard. I'm the grand wheezy my kneesy. Here to cut this meeting, uh, except with the blacks anyway. Sorry, I don't really have an outline today,

but, uh, it was going on with the, it's API, API, A, A, I, P, I, I, I, I, API, I, I, month or whatever. A, P, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, the fucking, uh, stutter king. What's the fucking called? King speech. Wow. A-P-I-I-I month or whatever? A-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I Basically infiltrated the KKK. Also Ku Klux Klan is dorky. Dude, the whole thing is so... Just call it Dungeons and Dragons for whites. So I'm watching this thing. And this guy, they get this guy who isn't...

I don't even... He was like a military guy. And they get him to go undercover as a KKK guy. And he goes in and he's like, you gotta stake it out and see what's going on. If they're gonna like do anything

fucked up, let us know. Turns out that in the 80s or 90s, he tried to do this already and he was undercover in the KKK guys for the FBI, and he told his wife about it, and they ceased it. The mission went. They're like, we're done. Your wife knows. You can't do it.

And it was like, wow, they don't fuck around, and that's dope, right? It's compromised. It's compromised. Dude, how badly do you want to say that if that's dope, right? It's compromised. It's compromised. Dude, how badly do you want to say that if you're in the fuck? You know what? It's compromised. That makes you feel like a real man. It's compromised.

Anytime you could say it's compromised as a man, you got to say it's compromised, dude. The milk's compromised, man. A little drop of water got in it. Shit, man. We left the cheese out for five hours. It's compromised, man. It's sweaty. out for... It was five hours of compromise, man. It's sweaty. Is the cheese sweaty?

It's compromised. You put your finger in your butt. You can't put it in your nose. Your nose is compromised. Let's get... Come on. So, um... So, this guy gets a second chance at going undercover to the KKK, which is like the craziest second chance.

Like redemption is always about a second chance. in my mission going undercover to the KKK, and 20 years later, I get my second chance to go undercover to the KKK, which is, wow. This is like, so I'm in, okay? Guy is from Jacksonville, looks totally normal, and is white, like the number one guy that could be from, this is why they picked the guy because they were like, it's him, look at him.

He's from Jacksonville, and he's a fucking they they want military guys like the kkk gets so like jizz-tastic over guys who have actual skills because a lot of them losers you know and i don't mean this as like i'm not hating on any group dude even though kind of that's their thing but a lot of kkk guys are like they live at their mom's place because this is where they find a lot of people in many in any groups really if you're part of any group pretty much you've the jury's out on you right don't ever be a part of a group and don't ever volunteer for anything that's what my grandfather said i'm gonna get that tattooed across my back don't ever be a part of a group and don't ever volunteer for anything that's what my grandfather said i'm gonna get that tattooed across my back don't ever volunteer for anything so um

so he goes undercover again and the dude the guys are just like a year in they're like they were these um prison guards and a guy one of the inmates one of these prison guards, and a guy, one of the inmates, one of the prison guards blew smoke into the inmate's face. The inmate said, please don't, this black inmate. He said, please don't. And he kept doing it, and the inmate punched him in the face and bit him. Provoked the inmate, right? Now, whatever. Both in the wrong, of course.

But don't be blowing smoke on my face. You blow smoke on my face, man. That's the last face you're going to blow smoke in. Okay? And that's Chris D'Elia who said it. So you can imagine a guy that this inmate was in. So this happened. And then he got out of jail.

He did his time, got out of jail. And then the prison cops were like, dude, we got to kill this motherfucker, right? So the three prison cops were white guys in the KKK. So they asked this guy who's undercover, hey, dude, this guy, he bit me and now he's out. He fought me and now he's out and we got to get him. And the undercover guy says,

you want me to give him a stern talking to? And he says, no. And he says, you want me to beat him up a little? And he says, no. And he says, you want to put him up a little he says no and he says you want to put him six feet deep and he says uh-huh and the guy goes and tells the fbi they wire him up dude he wears a wire for nine years dude imagine wearing a wire once dude if i wore a wire once around bad guys you know what kind of audio you're getting?

This is the audio we're getting. Do you piss yourself? Why does it smell like shit in here? You look bad, Chris. Why are you so white? I know you're usually really white, but you're really really white did you piss and shit this is uh i don't know i must have ate something dude i would have eaten so many things and then i guys i must have ate something sorry i'm just i'm why are you sweating

so for nine years this guy you got to be a sociopath, right, to do this. I want to be undercover so bad, dude. But like, I couldn't do it with KKK shit. I'd have to go and like pretend I was a target worker. And people would keep being like, are you Chris Aliyah? And I'd be like, no, I don't know what you're talking about. I have to go put toilet paper in the aisles.

I will be in toy section. I will be in toy section So Yeah so he He had to Dude it was crazy what they have to do They have to Go They got this

They got the guy They faked the guy's death That's what they do when you hire someone To kill someone They fake the guy. So they faked the guy's death. That's what they do when you hire someone to kill someone. They fake the death. They take a picture. And then you take the picture as the undercover guy to the guys who asked for it to be done. And then you say, hey, look, did it. And then you got to be like, is this what you wanted?

And then these idiots are like, did it. And then you got to be like, is this what you wanted? And then these idiots are like, hell yeah. And the guy, one of the guys got four years, dude. And the other two got like 12 years. That's not enough. So now the undercover guy switched his name and left town and made this documentary because it's on Hulu, and he was like, I made this documentary because

I keep getting calls from the KKK. They know where I am anyway, so I want the world to know my truth. This way, if I die, you know how it happened. Dude, and I'm just like, you're so different than me. You actually do shit. Me?

I'm a comedian. Me? I'm a podcaster. Me? I'm just a guy. You know what I did today? Dug through the trash to get my ring. Okay?

Know what I did? Got frustrated because my wife was in the balloon store for too long. Oh, you went undercover to the KKK? Oh,

you're better than me. It's all good. My day's coming, dude. I could be a fucking marine biologist one day. I could save dolphins. Anyway, it's called

the Grand Dork Wizard fucking dragon or whatever the hell it's called i don't know anymore man i uh i don't know anymore where's that fucking thing i was looking at i'm pissed oh that's not it that's not it so that's great um no what is this shit stick with me guys oh you just got me you just got me did the met gala did it already happen or is it happening again it's happening right now all right so it will have happened so uh it's dorky how about that uh and i guess who's ice spice

that's gonna be the person i don't know who it is and i'm not don't ever tell me that's gonna be the thing i don't want to know who it is i want to be the old guy who's like i don't know that person, and I'm never going to know that person. You ever get pissed off when somebody tells you who someone is, and you're like, I should have known who the fuck that was. That's who Ice Spice is. Ice Spice.

The Met Gala is, oh, Doja Cat. Doja Cat debuts at the Met gala in shop paid drag is it drag yeah she's not really in drag she's more of just a cat you know hey you're not it's not drag when you're just a cat okay i love how they have to be like if you are bi or non-binary, you got to be like, yo, this person is sexy as fuck. Like legit. You cannot say somebody who's non-binary is not good looking.

You have to. Otherwise, you'll just get a fucking... Oh, there's Sydneyney Sweeney. Hey, Sidney Sweeney. Sup. Margot Robbie. Robbie. Take.

Okay. Hey, Margot Robbie. Sup. Ashley Graham. Oh, it looks like. Sup? Ashley Graham. Whoa, it looks like she's floating on that. That's crazy. And then there's always somebody that I don't know who they are. Here we go.

These are the people I don't know. Could you imagine being at the Met Gala and you're, oh, this guy, dude. Moss family? Oh, the Kate Moss? Dude, could you imagine being at the Met Gala? Imagine, dude, imagine being at the met gala imagine dude imagine being at the met gala and you're some guy that you think that may like nobody like you know you gotta be next to like michael b jordan and you're just like like you're the fucking second lead on um the fucking ncis or some shit and you just you got

a ticket for $30,000 because you've been on the show for 10 years and you're like, I got to afford it. And you're just the guy who goes like this every episode. You know what? I'm way ahead of you.

Got them. Located. And you just show up with like a fucking dick on your forehead and you're like, is this it? Is this what it is? So Doja Cat is a cat. Man, if i ever go to the fucking met gala awards or whatever the

fuck it's called well i would never will but i'm going straight up fucking nude oh sorry i didn't understand the assignment oh you're gonna step on my dick um so yeah all this shit is just like the fucking you know what for every celebs they're just like us there's this shit oh this girl looks fucking dope as shit this is cultural

appropriation I just want to go in the stands and just keep y'all out that's cultural appropriation cultural i just want to go in the stands and just keep y'all out that's cultural appropriation here's uh this is a thing that jared leto is doing he is a fucking cat oh he took the doji cat. I mean, this guy's just going to have the furry community up in arms. He's a whole cat. This outfit, this costume, literally $750,000, you know? I mean, he's a cat with, like, great eyes. A large cat.

I don't understand anymore. I'm just like done. Thank God now is the time I can be old. Hey, how you doing today? Grateful. And you? What's your name? Where you from?

Pharrell. My name is Pharrell Williams. I'm from Virginia Beach, Virginia. Absolutely. Dude, Pharrell always has the worst glasses on. It's like unbelievable. He'll be wearing like little condom rings with twisty ties attached to him and he's just like you look bad um va is definitely in the house i'll play

with him we see you look can you describe your fit for us today oh it's that thing oh uh human race hoodie okay how much hasarrell had sex with seven women? Um, from Italy. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. And he says stuff like, I don't like when it's too wet down there. Um, Celine. I'd rather it be dry a little bit, honestly.

Damn. Celine on the denim. Human race mom. Okay. Clean. Packed with socks. Damn. Um. You see the accessories. Doodles hat. Uh the socks. Damn. Um,

see the accessories. Doodles hat. Uh-huh. Doodles. The shit. The Tiffany watchers. Oh, the watchers,

you know. They call watchers. Oh, okay. Uh-huh. Okay. Boy talking. A little boy vomited on my hat.

You know, all the Tiffany, you know. The Tiffany accessories. Oh, I mean. You know, Tiffany accessories. Oh, I mean. You know God is. Oh, I mean the guy, dude. God is great.

God is. Yes, absolutely. You give anybody a styling tip, what would it be? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, sorry about that. Dang! Wow, he looks truly awful, you know. He looks just truly atrocious.

This is for real. If you had your friends over and you're like, my friend's coming and he dressed up like you'd be like, oh no, this fucking guy. Okay. Okay. Okay. If you give anybody a styling tip, what would it be? Transport it into the future to save the world.

Celebrate you. That's good. That's good. Do what makes you feel happy. That's good. Part of what you're wearing is also your energy, your vibration. There you go. I do not like when people start talking about vibrations.

Dude, when the second people talk about vibrations, I am for real out. When people talk about low versus high vibrations, I go, oh, you know what, dude? This is actually really great. I'm going to bounce because you don't want me to start hating. Okay. It's like when people just buy things and put it on, you can tell what they really feel in their heart versus what their mind told them was going to get the look. Damn. I mean, the guy, dude.

Damn, dude. Damn. You could tell when people buy things and just put them on versus, you know, buying them because they really feel that. Damn. Damn, dude. The two biggest idiots that have ever spoken to each other. Just feel that. You can sense that.

Yes, yes. It's a feeling. Yes, yes. Just be you. Okay. You know what I'm saying? And, you know, last but not least,

like, you know, you got to think about others, bro. I mean, do you and think about... Last but not... I gave one example and then said last but not least. The guy is on another planet a planet that

fucking is not even out yet uh but he's cool I think you know he's cool obviously jokes dude no hate the guy's fucking the guy's a cool dude but also the watchers jokes, dude. No hate. The guy's fucking... The guy's a cool dude.

But also, the watchers. This couple getting married. She puts cake in his face. Oh, I mean, just assaulted her. Straight up. Whoa, that's fine. She straight up assaulted her. Cut it.

Put a cake in her face. Cute as shit. It's so insane. Oh, hit her, dude. I mean, you know. Just smashed her. Broke her nose. Doesn't give a fuck. Well.

Wow. Oh, fuck. There was a guy. I love this guy on, uh, I love this guy, Ass Pizza, who does the fucking... Names are crazy, huh? I saw Ass Pizza. He's a designer.

I think he got his big break with Kanye's merch, doing Kanye's merch. His name is Ass Pizza, and he's a designer. and his name is Ass Pizza, and he's a designer. And so I saw him once at this place. I was walking by, and we both were like, hey, what's up? Oh, hey, what's up? I was like, I like your shit. And he was like, yeah, I like your shit or whatever the fuck. I don't remember.

And anyway, he's a designer designer he makes cool jackets and shit and this guy this is hilarious I love this guy for this but this is what he says guys I'm gonna let you in on a little secret no one else is gonna freaking tell you cause they're fucking liars

any kid with a brand wondering oh where do I get blanks to print on it's so expensive these jeans right here I've been printing on these jeans Said frickin' and then fuckin'. We replace the button. Sew the tag up. I've gotten a lot of my stuff at Walmart. Stuff like that. Guys, it's easy as that. All these other brands are fucking scamming you. I'm going to tell you the truth. My jeans, they're Walmart jeans. Yeah, so what?

Doesn't matter. These other brands, they pay two cents for a thing and charge you $79 million. Such a markup. Don't worry, guys. We're going to pick it up. I love Walmart. I'm not with that haha shit come in here destroy the store no respect people and respect others someone got to clean this shit up i'm gonna pick it up i'll be seeing them tiktoks getting me tight fuck you yeah nice dude it's

so good because people are so mad because they feel like they got ripped off. And it's like, hey, babes, capitalism. And I don't say this a lot, but hey, capitalism is my baby. This is what everyone does. And you're mad because he charges $220 for the jeans. And it's like, but he's the artist. Dude, he prints his art on the jeans. You buy them for $220. That's the way it goes, dude.

Hey, capitalism, my babies. Dude, and now I want to do it. What he did, that's awesome. I want to do it. So basically, just because I saw that, I'm a jeans artist now. I think that's great, man. Just fucking getting jeans from Walmart and sticking a fucking Hardy Star on it and selling them for $220. Hey, dude, he tricked you.

Everybody's tricking everybody. You think that fucking bags cost 800 you think bags cost nine thousand dollars no they don't they tricked you it's a brand name dude i have a brand speaking of which we got new fucking merch it's awesome it's fucking grow or die merch you get it off the back of the fucking shoulders it's absolutely ill dude oh dude everyone's starting the back of the fucking shit with the letters, they all started in, they all started here, where the, where the, where the shoulder starts, dude, that's absolutely fucking hilarious, I'm a little different than your neighbors, okay, I started over here, dude, I started further over on the fucking shoulder,

man, I started on the delt, the grow shit starts, and it goes all the way over to the other side on this delt, so when people say, is it on the back, I just go like this, yes, but that's not where it starts, I'm a little different than your neighbors, and so now you can go and you get the hoodie and rep that shit dude because if you're not growing you're dying i also have a regular where it's on the front and there's the wilted flower but either way dude you're popping you put this shit on you're popping i wear it out people go where did you get that and i go like this get it i made it so that's what's up man and uh you can get them there chrislea.com it's ill go get it and then wear it on tour come come see me on tour uh but it's all good dude and i talk

about it and i talk about it and that's the commercial i suppose even though it's not because it's me um Dude, this is apparently the L.A. Philharmonic, right? L.A. Philharmonic. I always thought that was a weird saying, thing to say. But during

Tchaikovsky, how do you say it? Tchaikovsky? Oh, well, that's an R. Tchaikovsky, right. I know Tchaikovsky. Oh, well, that's an R. Tchaikovsky. Right. I know Tchaikovsky. I get it. Fifth Symphony. Wow. Can't even say symphony. At the LA Philharmonic. I mean, these words. During

Tchaikovsky's Fifth Symphony at the LA Philharmonic last night, apparently a woman had a full body orgasm just from the music. It was recorded. I wish there was video of this i mean i would be laughing so hard so let's hear this a woman had an orgasm because of music which by the way do you believe in that shit i know some people say you can have like i know like you know they say you can slow

your heart rate down to where the ekgs don't even read it well like like a james like james bond did it once you know and it would just go boop, you'd flatline. But really he just put himself under for a little bit because he was so good at it. And then when the bad guys weren't looking, he made his heart start pumping again and then kicked the shit out of all the bad guys. That happened in the James Bond movie,

so you know it's true. But can you have an orgasm just by chilling? I want to know. Oh, dude. I want to know. And she also waited for the greatest moment where it was just, I mean, wow, that's a woman. It sounds like a guy. That's how you know she was really like, when a woman sounds like a guy, oh, God, that's how you know she was really like when a woman sounds like a guy oh god that's a woman when a woman's just like oh god like a will ferrell character oh my god because that's when you know that bean was smashed dude so she was just sitting listening to music yeah but she was probably sitting on her bean a little

bit right will ferrell will ferrell dude ah um that's right dude if i was if i was if that was my date dude this is what you would hear if it was... If that was my date, dude, this is what you would hear if it was me. My date. This is what you'd hear if it was Kristen. Right here. That's what you'd hear. That's right.

That's what you'd hear, dude. Right there. I lay it down. That's me, dude. Right there. Watch. Yop and I ain't even touching her. That's me, dude.

That's my check right there. That's it. That's me, dude. That's me right there. Fucking got it like that. Wow, man. me right there fucking got it like that wow man also the fact that the music brought her to orgasm and it was that song you know not even just like like just elevator music straight up wow the la philharmonic fucking sucks, you know? It's so uncomfortable there, too.

And you got to listen to fucking grown men with big-ass instruments. Dude, the fact that instruments are so big, some of them, you know? Like the oboe and the bass and shit. Just so big. Like, make them smaller. It's 2000 and fucking 23. You still got to carry around a big ass bass and just like you use your fingers

asshole. Playing the Seinfeld music Sorry dude, I love that song. That's right, that's me. That's my bitch. Yo. Somebody said, that's a crazy flex. He's been there for 130 years and Tchaikovsky is still satisfying the ladies.

He's right, man. That's me. That's what I can do if I want. Wow, I can't believe that that's amazing dude oh god pedro pascal arrived in fucking what's it called the annoying fucking shirt is he going to be wearing guys can wear like airplane wings or some shit here we go here he is here he is there he is there he is wow such a fast clip i love it. Four people. Wow. Just a streaker.

A streaker. He's dressed like a fucking, honestly, he's dressed like a streaker in Dick Tracy. He's dressed like a streaker in Dick Tracy. Okay. There you go, Pedro Pascal. Slicked hair, slick back. Just fucking gays the day is long. And that's fine. I love gays. I wish I was. i don't know if he is or not i'm just joking but um i mean pretty much everyone's gay if you go in the

gay mac alley you're gay for at least then um let's do some uh some of these let's do some misconnections here Emily Deschanel Santa Monica huh I mean just airing it out dude that's the subject airing it out

hey this one's for Emily Deschanel well sorry we fucking exposed we doxed her you're beautiful intelligent with a great personality

your compassion knows no bounds your passion for causes for the causes you believe in is admirable you use Twitter to draw attention

to the problems that plague society you are the best and the perfect woman. I mean, Jesus, dude. Is she going to check it? Oh, she's an actress? Oh, she's fucking, yeah, the one from, Jesus, dude. Hey, man, just tweet her, you know?

She's the one in Bones. God, you're so good in Bones. Speaking of Bones, I'd love to take my bone. Weird thing to put on Miss Connections, you know? Imagine Emily Deschanel just scrolling through Miss Connections like, oh shit, wait a minute. Hold on a second. Guy from Bones?

Come here, look at this. What's his fucking name, that guy? How's that guy that famous for so long? That famous, you know? How did he not get more famous than he is? That's what I want to know. The guy did one fucking movie about fishing and then did Bones

and then that was it, dude. He did one movie about fishing with Brad Pitt in it. Somewhere the fucking night is or whatever the hell it's called. What the hell is it called? Another fucking one bites of dust. What the hell that's called? The first guy next door. The fuck is that?

A river runs through it. Got it without any help, dude. A river runs through help, dude, A River Runs Through It, dude, and did that movie, and then did Bones for 47 years, did, dude, what, Andrea, Andres Baranis, Michael Borlianis, Michael Corleones, Andreas Bocelli, David Borianis, Fuck yeah, I was so close. How much? No? I'm mixing him up

with the fucking other guy who didn't get famous from River Runs Through It. No, what's he in? He's in Best of the Best. I thought that that was David Boreanaz for this whole fucking time. Holy shit. It's the same guy, dude.

They were separated at birth. How is David Boreanaz that famous, though, for real? How did he not get... Then he did some show called SWAT or some shit. David Boreanaz, dude. How much does David Boreanaz cheat without discretion? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And his wife caught him and he goes like this. He says, they want me.

What? Like literally said, what? And she's like, you can't do that. He literally went. He literally said, what? They want me. And thought that that would be the end of it. Thought she would like oh okay all right here we go younger seeks male role model not really used to having an older male figure like a father role model wait hold on not really used to have an older male figure

like a father role model so giving this a shot younger guy here looking for a good sense of discipline and direction in life and to get better. Maybe even go for a run and here's where it takes a turn or wrestle. That's creepy. Tell me more about that. Dude, you know, not really used to look. Hey, man, just at a dinner party. You know what, dude?

You know what I'm into, man? I'm not really used to having an older male figure like a father role model in my life so i'm giving this a shot man you know i'm just like a young guy i'm kind of looking for a good sense of discipline direction in life get better you know maybe even go for a run or you know what wrestle that's creepy tell me more about that anyway will you pass the um here we go smooth bottom piece of the puzzle montabello this is written like a haiku form hello so please don't waste my time i am for i'm looking for a puzzle piece smooth bottom kind oh wow it is i go i'm looking for cds will also do What bro I can't travel

But I can host you At night Serious inquiries only Send pic of serious Send pic of serious Dude Maybe he means If serious

Hello Hey guy Proofread it Hello So please don't waste my time I'm looking for a puzzle piece Smooth bottom I like how They tried to rhyme for two times and then that's it i'm looking for cds will also

do while the guy wow that was a good one what is wrong with everyone you know wow this is a good one just left your yard yard sale, Derek. Uptown Whittier. Subject. Yes, it should fit. I could stop by when the coast is clear and see if your hose is a go. Short and sweet. We know what it's all about. Obviously, they had a conversation there.

Yeah, it could fit. Unreal. All right. Well, dude, you know what? That's it for this week's episode thank you very much you guys are great I got the new dates up chrisley.com go there to get tickets get the new grower dimers don't forget

and also dude it will be really dope if you left a comment in the algorithm if you left a comment under and subscribe that's it for the YouTube episode if you want to watch the raw uncut the unedited version and it's a doozy today, on Patreon, go over to patreon.com slash chrystalia,

and you can get that and all of the, and every episode, every month, we have an extra episode only on Patreon that's exclusive to Patreon. You get involved with that when you get on the Patreon, and we've done about 27 of them or so. So if you go get the Patreon now, you can have access to all the backlogged

Patreon-only episodes. And that's for only six bucks. So patreon.com. Thank you very much for listening. Thank you.