Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 316. The Worst Show On Television

Episode Date: May 18, 2023

😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris watched the worst show ever on television, discusses the new Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover, and met a man with a selfie stick.  Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk. Ottawa, Montreal, Hamilton, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Detroit, Orlando, Fort Myers, Richmond, Baltimore. Man, this is like 25 dates. Philadelphia, Reading, Pennsylvania. Go to chrislea.com to get tickets, the Don't Push Me Tour. And other than that, you can go get your merch over there. Come on out to the tour, get tour-exclusive merch. Anyway, without further ado ado welcome to another episode of congratulations we growing or we dying that's that's my question for you we got the grow or

die merch out there so you could rep it i seen it out and about i actually saw a guy with a be more memorable shirt today uh and he goes hey and he pointed it i was like oh hey what's up and he was and he said i love i love this shirt man i really enjoy wearing it i was like oh thanks so much so thanks a lot to sam there i ran into his name was sam um yeah and uh anyway chrisley.com but you know what um it's time for another episode and it's lit dude oh i didn't even check the uh what do you call it sound plant didn't show up but uh it is working now okay so we're getting the buttons going and all that stuff i uh was at a coffee shop earlier today and um no not today it was a few days ago who Who cares, right? Boy, what's it matter? Who cares?

And I was just getting coffee. Let's see, what did I do before I went? I went to go pick up. Ooh, I went to a meeting. And then I went to go pick up. Oh yeah, it was a few days ago. It was Mother's. I went to go pick up Mother's Day flowers,

which by the way, really great place. I forget what it was called. Wildflower? I don't know. But so nice. The guy was so nice there. First of all, I went to go get the stuff, and Kristen was texting me, and she was like, is that what it's called?

Wild Stems. It's called Wild Stems. That's what it is. It's on Melrose or something, or Beverly. I don't know. It doesn't matter. It's called Wild Stems. That's what it is. It's on Melrose or something or Beverly. I don't know. It doesn't matter. It's in Hollywood, whatever. And I went there and I parked and like a jerk, I was looking at the wrong side of the street for some reason. Like, you know how Google Maps shows it and it says you've arrived. And I think it says on the right or left, but I was, I got out of the car and I was like, I don't see.

It goes from a thing to another thing. It's not here anymore. And so now, like, I immediately just get mad because I want to blame somebody like, Google Maps lied. Or my wife gave me the wrong address, even though she didn't, because it said on the link. So I'm looking and then all of a sudden i hear the other side of the street chris and i'm like great now i'm caught like i gotta take a pic with someone like this is me mad and egotistical and i'm like i don't i don't turn when i've gotten i've trained myself to chris to not because in the beginning when you get famous,

they go, Chris, and you go, yeah, oh, I don't know. Oh, God. Hey, man, just want to say. And you're like, oh, really? Thank you very much. No, no, no, but also, and you're, you know. So, and it's nice, by the way, love the fact that you listen

and love the fact that there are fans out there. That's something I have to work on, and I have worked on, and now I'm way better at it. I really am. And you know, I just, I saw this video the other day of like the three different Spider-Mans reacting

to paparazzi. And at first it showed the guy, Andrew, whatever his name is. And he goes like this, he sees a paparazzi and he goes, and then I saw Tom, is it Tom Holland? Then it showed Tom Holland. And of course he goes like this he sees a paparazzi and he goes and then i saw tom is a tom holland then it showed tom holland and of course he was like hey you know what i mean

just nice to everybody can't trust a dude like that can't trust a dude like that and then it showed um the other one toby mcguire and he you know he's notorious for being a prick to the paparazzi and he just goes like, he's just like. So I'm trying to find out, like, I'm trying to ride the Andrew Garfield wave. That's what I want to be, like Andrew Garfield. Because he was like, yeah, hey, bud. What's up? Hi.

You know, no head shaking. But anyway, guy goes, Chris. And I look over and he's got 900 bouquets of flowers. And I'm like, great. My wife spent a G. She didn't, you know. Plus also, I was, we had to get it for my mom and for my aunt and for my, we get it. Anytime there's a mother around. If I've known a mother for more than a week, we're getting them bouquets for Mother's Day.

My wife just wants to be so nice to everybody. She's just like, well, we did meet those people at, you know, the park and they, you know, they said they were big fans. Let's send them, let's send them a fruit basket for Mother's Day. I'm like, they don't even have kids. Well, um, yeah, my wife, any, you know, it doesn't matter what the holiday is. She'll make it. I think sometimes she even makes it up. She's just like, just like it's trees day send we have to send people a plant okay um so so so i you know so i so we i look over he's got 100 bouquets of flowers and he's running across the street and and it's running across the street.

And, and it's one of those situations where I want to be nice. And I'm like, wow, this guy's so nice. Look, as soon as I saw him, he was a Tom Holland type. I'm like, oh, this guy's the nicest guy. He had a beard and long hair. And he says, I got, I got you stay there. And I was like, oh, but I, I, cause my wife, he didn't unbeknownst to him. My wife had already texted me. We actually need two more bouquets. So she already ordered ordered them the guy was running them out to my car and then i was like oh man so oh thank you so much i i opened up the door i put him in thank you he's like thank you so much for supporting our business nicest guy in the world wild stems nicest business and they did beautiful work by the way but um so now i'm like thanks so much put it in the car the door. And then I'm in the car and the guy goes back across the street. And I'm like, I got to get two more bouquets.

This is like... You know what I'm talking about? He already came out and did the nice thing. Now I got to go do the thing that he tried to defeat. He tried to be nice to me that I didn't have to cross the street and go into the store. All of his thing was for naught, you know? It's like the end of a movie that, like, you know, Matt Damon is in that you're like, oh, it was all for, oh. Or even better, Casey Affleck.

Oh, it was all for nothing. Oh. Oh. So now I got to go in and get two extra small bouquets because we forgot about someone else who was a month two other mothers and so i go in and i said actually i need two more uh little bouquets can you do you think it could handle that and i said sure and he says oh sure this is right there so i'm you know i'm waiting and i'm chilling and i'm looking out and it's like,

there's, I guess there's like some sort of arts district where I was. I had no idea. Like there were like, there was like a museum and then another museum. And I'm like, where am I? I had no idea where I was, but then he gives us two bouquets that were even smaller than the, uh, other bouquets that we got. We got three bouquets and two bouquets and the two bouquets were the small one. The two bouquets cost an arm and a leg. So I don't even know how much the big bouquets were. I'm like, dude, I got home. I'm like, don't tell me how much the big bouquets were. I rather not know, dude. I don't want to know. When somebody tells me how much something costs that I got to pay for, I don't want to know. I got a business manager and I got a wife. Okay. I got those two people keeping it in check.

I don't know how much my wife is keeping it in check, but I definitely know my business manager's keeping that in check. So anyway, trials and tribulations, my babies. So I, then I went to get to the coffee. I was I'm getting you know what I want I'm such an idiot dude I went to an I went to a meeting a recovery meeting and then I went to go get the bouquets so I get to do something for me now so I go I get a cup of coffee dude you know how we do it we sat with the iced americano did he actually get the iced americano no did he get cold brew yes why didn't he get a four shots over ice because he had to sit in the table and order it off an app so he did it

he ordered it off an app and he couldn't pick four shots of espresso because every time he picks four shots of espresso off an app they always mess it up and only either give me two shots or give me four different espressos over ice and then i got four cups, so what I did is, I just got a cup and I'm gonna get easier, yes, dude, anyway, man, so I got the cold brew instead, and I'm sitting there just loving it, and I ordered also a warm fucking rice bowl with chicken. Oh, I wasn't even hungry, but I know I had to eat something. Right. And I had a mother's day dinner a little bit later. So I know I had to eat something to just kind of wet my appetite. Do you eat when you're not hungry? I do sometimes because my mom always used to say, I eat or you're going to get sick.

It affected me. So now I eat sometimes when I'm not hungry. Cause I think like it was already two and I was like, I'm not hungry. I guess I'm just going to what about what I do just give up. Do I not eat today? Like, what's the deal? Do I just wait till tomorrow? You know, because then I'm like, well, Calvin doesn't eat. And sometimes I'm like, you got to eat. And I'm like, well, am I doing what my mom did?

So now when are you supposed to eat? I don't know, man. People do the intermittent fast and they don't eat for like 15 hours or some shit. They have like they eat in like a four hour window. They just gorge. Anyway, dude. So I'm eating the warm bowl with the... It's fine. It's okay.

I'm not really that hungry. I'm drinking the thing. And all of a sudden, this dude comes by with like... First of all, he's got... What do you call it? The fucking selfie stick? Which is...

Go... Away. You know know i'm talking about like remember when everyone was getting them and then but then okay it was annoying but how about that there's still people that have those and use them and they aren't asian you know i'm talking about for some reason if you see an Asian with any sort of electronic or fashion, you kind of just give them a pass. You're like, oh, well, you know, they're fucking, they're from way far away. So really, it's almost like they're on, like, like any place that's really far away. Like Mexico, no. Canada, absolutely not, you know, London, no, a little bit, if you meet somebody like, oh, I don't know, he's got like orange goggles on, you're like, eh, okay, but Japan,

India, Asia, Russia, you know what I'm talking about, you see a Russian dude with like, just like a big, like Tommy Hilfiger cape on. And you're like, I don't, I guess they wear those over there. It gets cold, but like, or, or a Japanese guy with like all leather and a leather hat with a leather horn on it. And he's got like Google glasses and you say, you know, I don't know, I guess he's really small and thin and wavy. Like what else is he going to do? But dude, I straight up just saw a mexican dude with a selfie stick like that's crazy to me to see a mexican dude with a selfie stick just like a portly dude and he wasn't even doing it like this like he was just walking down the street like you

ever see someone walking down the street And you're like where's your car though Do you know what I'm talking about Like did you park And walking He wasn't shopping Just dude walking around With a selfie stick

And I'm sure he was from LA Like it wasn't a tourist thing So he was walking around with a selfie stick and this is the worst part. Okay. Well, actually there's two worst parts. He was holding it on his belly. So it was like resting on his belly, poking out from his belly, like a piece of lazy shit. Okay. And, and sauntering around the only Mexican dude with a fucking selfie stick within a 50 mile radius. And we're in L.A. So Mexican dudes are plenty. And he's just holding it, chilling it off with it on his potbelly.

And this is the worst part. One of the other worst parts. The camera was facing outward. part one of the other worst parts the camera was facing outward so he's not even doing what a selfie stick is supposed to be used for it's called a selfie stick because it's supposed to be shooting you i thought maybe he had a fucking you know some stupid internet show where he's just like hello well you know hey welcome dog this is fucking you know mel hey, welcome, dog. This is fucking, you know, Melrose Weekly. We going on Melrose and see what the fucking guy's chumps buying on fucking Mother's Day, dog. Guy got five bouquets, man. Tried to fucking act like he didn't get five bouquets, man.

Got three bouquets. I had to go in anyway, man. Anyway, what's your name? You know? So it's point out words. And he doesn't see me. And he doesn't see me. And I'm like,, and, and he doesn't see me and, and he doesn't see me. And I'm like, okay, well, he doesn't see me. So that's good. But now I'm gauging, is the guy going to recognize me or not? Cause if he, if he recognizes me,

I'm cooked, right? Cause it's just going to be on me. Okay. So I'm just kind of drinking my shit to myself. Right. because also the other time when someone's videoing me i can't be like don't video me because then people are gonna be like oh chris was a piece of shit he yelled at someone that's assault right and so he doesn't see me but what he is doing is recording a fucking two a couple and another woman are together it's like a third wheel thing there's a couple and then another woman and he's just like this he's just like this drinking something just like this selfie stick extended bitch ass selfies imagine going like this

so he's doing it and it's like a minute passes and the one of the ladies takes the menu and she's just like kind of blocking it and another guy's doing it like this and they're not saying anything. I want to say something. Because you know me, dude. Johnny Confrontation. Right? But I'm also like, eh, it's on video.

Could be live. All of a sudden, Chris D'Elia, you know. So, and he's also not shooting me. But in a way, I want to be like, you know, because I've been watching that show Titan from HBO Max and I'm like, dude, I'm kind of like that a superhero. So I kind of want to save these people. Right. Like I'm a little bit like Nightwing in a way. So I'm like, okay.

So I don't say anything. And then the lady from the thing from that's getting recorded, looks at me, laughing like, what's this guy doing? And when she does that, he swings it over to me. Lady. Know the game. Okay?

Hey, lady. I'm not a part of this. Now you got me involved. So now, I'm pissed. Now, God deal with this crazy dude. Okay?

Swings it over to me. Now he's filming me. And I get up and walk over to him. Because Johnny, confrontation, baby. But he's still recording. He backs up a little bit. Like, what's this guy going to do? Still recording.

And I, like, sidestep. And I look at his screen on his phone. Still recording. He backs up a little bit. Like, what's this guy going to do? Still recording. And I, like, sidestep. And I look at his screen on his phone because I'm like, I want to know 100% if he's recording. Sure enough, he's recording. And he looks at me and says, hey, bro, what's your problem? Dude, when I tell you, just heat, my blood just immediately, ding, it's done curdling. Inside my body, blood in my veins, curdling. Dude, I want it to be like, oh, dude, congratulations, man. You made my blood curdle.

That's so awesome for you, dude. But I didn't say shit because I don't want him to record me. So I just leave. And I left coffee early. And he fucking won, I guess. He won, dude. Yay, dude. Thank you for winning.

You know what, man? This is the fucking goddammit fuck. It's the thing with the... Because we got to... Here's the thing. That guy deserves to get leveled. All right. He deserves to get smacked in his lip. Whoops. Said it. But he does. The guy deserves to get a nice fucking Tom Hanks pap or a, was the, a Burt Reynolds slap. That's what he deserves to get.

Just a nice Burt Reynolds pap right in his, hey, well, that's what you get, right? He deserves a nice Burt Reynolds 80s pap right in his lip to where not too much damage, but where he just goes like, did I, did something? And then he wakes up the next day and it's actually fine. You know, like that's what he deserves. Oh shit, did he fucking, and then he wakes up the next day and it's actually fine you know like that's what he deserves oh shit that he fucking and then no this is the thing man so now because he can put it online so everyone's got to be on their best goddamn behavior even if somebody's being a shithead right and then part of me is like should i tell the establishment but i'm not a fucking tattletale i deal with my shit on my lonely I deal with my shit on my lonely. I deal with my shit by my lonely.

Everybody knows that about D'Elia. D'Elia, who's that? The guy who deals with his shit by his lonely? Okay, fine, yeah. All right, well, then he's not going to tattle. I don't tattle, dude. I don't fucking tattle, bro. Anyway, dude, I brought the bouquet of flowers home,

and it was absolutely fantastic. My wife was happy, and everyone else was happy, and all the mothers in everyone else was happy. And all the mothers in my life were happy. So, happy fucking Mother's Day. Dressed like my son on fucking... Now, did I dress like my son on Mother's Day? Hell yes. Did I dress like my other son on Mother's Day?

Hell yes. Did we see what my wife was going to wear and then all match together? Hell yes. Was that four Delias that look exactly the same? Hell yes. And I'll tell you why, because that's what I do. And people go, that's corny. And I say, it's actually not.

I judo it. Do you think it's corny I dress like my family? Well, turns out it's not corny. I dress like my family and that's actually bitching. I can't, dude. I haven't, I dress like Cal. I look very cool, okay? And William also had on, yeah, no, he had his version of it, right?

Because he's got to wear like little. When you're a baby, you can dress in bitch-ass shit, right? Like, when you're one, you get dressed up in shit. Like, I think Calvin had a fucking sailor uniform. Like, we don't even know. You can do that. Because, ah, it's a little bit fucking, you know, what do you call it? Exploitative? Exploitive? Exploitative? Exploitive?

Is there an extra syllable in there? I have no idea. Anyway, dude, you can dress him up like a penguin. And you're like, oh, look, it's a little penguin. You don't do that to like a 20-year-old. Oh, we got him a penguin now. He's a little fucking teddy bear. That's so bitch, you know. But Calvin for sure had a sailor outfit.

And Kristen was like, when he was young. And she was like, look how cute. And I was like, fucking, he looks gay. And it's fine. But like just let him decide that later, not at one. Right. Cause I don't want to be one of these parents that's like, you can be whatever you want. You know, I used to, I knew, I used to know this woman that was like his son, her son was a mate. She made it, she convinced him he was a female because she was like

so woke and she was like, are you sure you don't want the dress? The dress is nice! And the baby's like, but I'm supposed to wear it, and she's like, well if you want to live in the construct of society sure, but if you want to think, do we think on our own?

And it's like, you know So now my son grows up to be a fucking sailor I'm pissed or a teddy bear um I used to when I was a kid I wanted to grow up to be my brother would say I want to grow up and be a cowboy and I was like you can't grow up to be

a cowboy you have to actually be something that exists and then my mom said what do you want to be when you grow up and I said a werewolf like legit I thought like you couldn't be a cowboy, but you could be a werewolf. That's the truth. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, but is what it is, right? Happy freaking Mother's Day. And then we did Mother's Day. That was the Saturday. And then the Mother's Day, Mother's Day woke up. My wife went to go get her hair blown out because I was like, what do you want to do for Mother's Day? We could do anything.

And she was just like, yo, check this out. Nothing. And I was like, what? Is this a trick? Right? Right? No, I don't want anything. And then the fucking 9 p.m. rolls around. She's getting into bed and she's like, I just, I know I said, but it's like, you know. And you go,

I'm fucking fucked. But she was telling the truth. She's like, I asked her nine times she's like I just want to go get my hair blown out I want to get my lashes done I just want to go out just take care of the kids and I'm like okay dude I'll sit at home with the kids now you know I want her to be here and help but okay it's Mother's Day so she goes out and does it gets her hair blown out decides not to do the rest of the day, comes back. And I'm sitting there just like fucking. So we did nothing and we just chilled.

And then she was like, you want to go to the Grove? And we went to the Grove. Was it too crowded? Yes, but it's OK. We went to the Grove. We had dinner. It was absolutely nice, dude. And then we came back.

We got cupcakes. Dude dude what's up with that sprinkles cupcakes place the gourmet shit they trick you with that gourmet shit first of all you can get they have sprinkles vending machines where you can get a cupcake from a vending machine like like it's a fucking like it's the gatorade or some shit after a workout you know it's like oh fucking oh dude oh, dude, ooh, get me a triple cinnamon, get me a red velvet, uh, fucking, just eating that, ah, this was a bad idea, huh, man, I feel, I need something to drink, dude, oh, I gotta go home, I got a stomach ache, man, I think I got a little bit of cream cheese on my fucking, I don't understand, cream, you know what cream cheese belongs on, bagels, that's it. There, I said it, dude. I'll die there.

I'll die on that hill. I'll die on that hill. Put it with salmon? Get out of here, dude. So Jewish. Lox, you know? Ah, it's salmon, right? Ah, it's lox and cream cheese.

Ah, you're not tricking no one, right? Salmon? Oh, yeah. Just, you know, it's like what i'm saying is you put it with the cream cheese and it's a little bit different you're not tricking anyone right that's salmon if i cook it if i put that on some rice where would where we eat it that's a fucking salmon, right? No, I'm just saying, you know? That's lox. All right. Okay, right? Okay.

Because of the Kanye shit? Fine. You can have lox be lox. But, yeah, we got the fucking... Why did I start talking about salmon? Cream cheese? Oh, yeah, the bagels, dude. I don't like cream cheese in the... Dude, every other cupcake has fucking cream cheese in it.

Did you know that? The icing? And guess who tastes it, dude? Your boy. I taste it. They go out. My wife says, it's really, you can't... I can, dude.

I can. Putting fucking cream cheese in the cinnamon, the triple cinnamon cupcake, dude. That's disgusting. Who are you, Guy Fieri? Keep my cupcake. You know what I like, dude? How about this? I want my cupcake dry. Dude, I got good taste, man. I got good taste. I want no cream cheese. I want a little bit of icing. How about that? Not even that much, dude. Because they cake it on at the Sprinkles vending machines places. They cake it on, dude.

God, imagine working for Sprinkles, man. And you're the guy who has to load the cupcakes in the vending machine. Just that's your fucking job. And no knock, dude. I know it's hard to get a job. By the way, I bet that company pays you probably well. But, dude, like there's something so fucking like I'm not. Dude, loading power rate in a vending machine. That's a that's a nice American job.

But you're the guy who brings fucking cupcakes to serve to these rich fucks. You know what I mean? Just a twenty five dollar cupcake. You're just putting a cupcake in a, you know, in mean? Just a $25 cupcake, you're just putting a cupcake in something that literally should just be a Funyuns. Can't think of the word, and I'm not even taking the gabapentin. Slot.

That's cool. That's cool I couldn't think of the word slot. But yeah, that's your job. Yeah, what do you do? I that's your job. Oh, yeah. What do you do? Work for I work for sprinkles. Oh, really? Like in the store?

No, I load the vending machines. Oh, yeah. So. Anyway. Yeah, so we went to go do sprinkles and we did it and uh i don't like the gourmet stuff though like like uh how do you fuck up a brownie anything other than duncan hines that's it there i said it that's it how do you fuck up ice cream dude haagen-dazs is fine that's the shit what's the other one with

the two fat guys ben and jerry's that's fine that's the shit the second you got to go to like what do they got mcconnell's and shit and it's like oh yeah but the chocolate's actually from oh but the chocolate's oh yeah and the pistachio is By the way, which I'll fucking house I'll house the pistachio ice cream But if you make it gourmet Dude, boo Yeah, but they source the fucking Oh, what's the other one?

The one salt and straw? Is that what it's called? Olive oil ice cream? Hey, sit on that Olive oil ice cream? Sit on it, dude You're not tricking me Hey, sit on that. Olive oil ice cream. Sit on it, dude. You're not tricking me.

Gourmet. You give me chocolate and you put fucking sprinkles on it. And that's it or none. You kind of piece of shit that puts the Swedish fish on it. Nah, we deal with the hard-hitting issues, and that's why this cult is alive. Fuck NPR. We talk about actual things,

like too many bouquets on Mother's Day, and also ice cream and cream cheese. I woke up today, and I fucking sat my son in front of the TV, and I look around TV, and he's like, let's watch something. And I, I, I guess what I turned on Alf. He's G'd up from the feet up in you, dude. He put on Alf. Not only dude, I was so, I was respectful about it too. I didn't just turn on some episode. I put on the pilot of Alf, dude. What's his street. You're probably like, oh, what's this streaming on?

What the fuck is that? Yo, YouTube, man. YouTube premium. I put that shit on. Man, the pilot of ALF is the fucking worst thing you've ever seen. Just straight up. It's so bad. Dude, it begins.

It begins with the family looking at the fucking alf guy and the dad's like i found him outside sadie's What do we do? And then the kid is like, whoa, he's hairy. And then the dad says, it's an elf. And I go, here we go. Then, of course, someone else says, well, what's an elf? And he says, an alien life form. And I say, even Calvin goes like this. Here we go.

an alien life form. And I say, even Calvin goes like this. Here we go. And then his son says, it's heavy and hairy. And then Alf says, hey guys, or some shit. And then the kid's like, it's heavy and hairy and it can talk. And the crowd's like, ha ha ha ha ha. And I'm just like, Jesus Christ. And then Alf is like, can I eat your cat? This is all in the first just like Jesus Christ. And then Alf is like, can I eat your cat? This is all in the first four minutes. And then they say, no, but you can stay here for the night. Hey, you got kids. They're letting the Alf go in the fridge and give the kid beer. And then they're like, oh, it's the 80s, dude. Alf needs to get canceled get canceled dude i'll tell you what alf it would never be made nowadays first of all well first of all because it sucked but second of all because of it's just not right it's probably cultural appropriation or something like that but dude alf is so bad

and then the fucking dad from alf uh i'm like who is this guy you know he's probably some like dope theater actor that like got this role and then got when he got this role he like fucking hated everyone you know i'm talking about man man that's so awesome living that kind of a life being like a really well respected theater guy that won't even touch broadway he's like, fuck that. I do off-Broadway, black box shit. And I only play roles of like, of like hardworking blue collar men plays from like 1940. And I only, and I wear a wife beater.

In every play, no matter what I, even if it's cold, even if it takes place in the winter. And every time there's like some monologue where he's like, you know, I used to play tennis when I was a kid. And then it starts and it's like about abuse when he was a child. And then so anyway, I don't know what fucking I'm making this up about the guy from ALF, but then he got, he's in ALF now.

So this is an imaginary thing that I'm making up for fuck's sake. But he was in ALF now. So this is an imaginary thing that I'm making up for fuck's sake. But he was in ALF. The guy that... The guy that I'm making up the thing about how he was on Off-Broadway Black Box, only played things on White Beaters and played from the 1940s.

That imaginary part is actually, the real part is, I'm making it up about a guy that was actually in ALF for fucking five, six years. I don't know, there were 99 episodes of ALF, which is like, just do 100 for fuck's sake, you know?

And, um, it was so bad. And then I Googled the fucking dad. Cause I'm like, who is this guy? Who are any of these guys? You know, the kid and I'll probably grew up and died of HIV. You know what I'm talking about? Like that? I don't, I don't know.

But like, you know, somebody in that show died from HIV, right? But like, you know, somebody in that show died from HIV, right? There's no way you could be on a hit show in the 80s and grow up and not die from HIV. Not one person? Like Starsky and Hutch, that guy did, I think. Mr. Belvedere probably did. So, look at this. Wright right is that the dad right also had a stage career in 1968 appeared in the original production of the great white hope at the arena stage oh this is hilarious he appeared

on broadway in ivanov which garnered him a tony nomination dude i played sir andrew in 12th night at the at the lincoln center in the bro he's sick with it isn't he knows what he's look at this he knows i know faces dude when i see shit i know faces i get it one time i was at the grove actually with one of my ex-girlfriends a long time ago and i said look at that guy over there what do you think about that guy and she says i don't know what do you think about that guy i said i guarantee he makes his own furniture and she says get the fuck out of here what do you mean that's so silly and i said why don't you what she had balls not actual balls but she was like she had gusto so i was like why don't you go ask him and she fucking walked over to him sat down starts talking i couldn't hear him he was

near the fountain and she looks over me she goes like this and i said what and she walks over and she said he actually does make furniture and i go dude i know faces i'm good like that I got it nice I'm nice with it yeah I knew that Alf had 99 episodes that was actually something I knew and so anyway this dad I look him up or I look up Alf the show and this headline reads something about how this guy that guy right whatever his name is um the tabloids were like

just ruining him in like when he right before he died he was in his 70s and i felt so bad dude it was like right is now a shell of himself and he really hit a low point and he's a piece of shit it was like since the media sucked even back then, you know what I mean? This was what, 10 years ago. I don't know. But, um, and then the guy,

and they were like, he, he's, he's reportedly been like smoking crack in a basement somewhere in a crack house and like off and like pays dudes a hundred dollars to fuck them like male prostitutes. And I'm like, bro, that's my motherfucker you know i'm

talking about here's a hundred thanks sir hey are you the guy from Hi, sir. Here's $100. Hey, thank you very much. Turn around. All right. Hey, wait a second. Are you from... Dude, hell yeah.

The guy from ALF. ALF. Just a montage of different dudes. There we go. That's creepy. Tell me more about that. That's my motherfucker paying dudes $100 to, you know, being a mail crack guy is pretty legit i don't know i

feel but i felt so bad for the guy because he obviously suffers from addiction and then i realized and then i saw them there's a movie permanent midnight that like is based on the guy who apparently create like wrote for alphan would like do like coke benders for like weeks and just write jokes on all day for alpha and it's like and then it was a hit so it was you know but then i'm like man this guy was on benders for and wouldn't sleep for weeks and fucking write jokes at alice like maybe get some rest these jokes suck and they made that movie permanent midnight where bruce or brent ben stiller uh and they made that movie Permanent Midnight where Ben Stiller,

what do you call it, played the guy. But I wish they made the fucking movie about the dad from ALF. God, poor guy. Addiction is real, man. Addiction is, man. That's why I can't start doing drugs. If I start doing drugs, holy fucking shit, man. I swear, I snort one... I snort one line of Coke, and it's just...

I snort one line of Coke, and it's just... I snort one line of coke and it's just I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days that's so disgusting you know um whatever how could you how could you not have a crack addiction if you were in a show in whatever. How could you not have a crack addiction if you were in a show in the 80s and 90s

about a fucking, an ALF, and not... I bet that set was crazy, dude. The Puppets the Star, you know? The Puppets the Star? Why did... Also, ALF had a Brooklyn accent, you know? The puppet's the star? Also, Alf had a Brooklyn accent, you know? Eh-sa-dum. We went to see Mario. Did I talk about that on the podcast yet? My son and I, we were an hour in, and he goes like this. Is it over yet? All right, let's go pack it up. He said, can I bring my

Sprite? I said, sure. and now my son walks around and says Matty-o he says Matty-o cause we got a magnet got it we got magnets he loves those magnets they're too small um here's the fucking

this is what I was talking about the olive oil Starbucks new olive oil coffee is allegedly making people poop a whole lot. I mean, the fact that they put the word hole in it. A whole lot. This is from self.com. Lots of us depend, as if you need to shit more when you drink coffee. Yeah, put, put, why don't you put olive oil oil and x-lax in it that'll be good

they just call your name chris and you just shit right there oh god i'm sorry i gotta i don't know what it is but lots of us depend on coffee in morning as morning pick me up but some folks in social media reporting starbucks new product line is waking up their bodies a little too much i mean no shit, dude. Olive oil. Sweet and lush flavor. Velvety smooth. But it turns out that it might be a little too smooth after the drinks launched.

Some people who tried them. After the drinks launched, people's anuses launched. Some people who tried to who tried them took to social media to describe an unintended side effect. Now, that's the intended side effect. Dude, Starbucks is fucking with you. God, Starbucks is terrible.

While vomiting, too. What's behind that? To start, there's a good amount of caffeine in these beverages. For example, a grande drink in the line ranges. Because it's coffee, that part isn't surprising. The fat content, however, is another story. Because the amount of fat ranges from 17 grams to 34 grams in a single grounded cup.

Okay, whatever. Oleado line? What the fuck is that? Whatever, dude. Acid plus the combination of two foods. Hey, you know, if you need an article to tell you that olive oil coffee is going to make you blow it out your asshole, you're an idiot.

Remember that song, Blow It Out Your Asshole by Ludacris? like um i was in the uh i was in the uh i went to go do a show at the haha cafe i was there and um i went on stage i didn't i was one of those nights where i was just like man i've been doing a lot of road and i was just like i don't know maybe i'll go but then i know some people bought tickets for me so i was like i'll go there i love the the Ha Ha Cafe. It's fucking, it's so awesome. It's in North Hollywood. It's like when there's a good crowd there, it's popping, dude. I mean, that's a, it's a great comedy club, but shout out to Jack and Terry who own the club. Um, so I went in and I, and I, and I, and I went to go on and by the way, Lulu was there. She went on. And I didn't know she went on.

I didn't know she was going to be on the show. Lulu, I bring her on the road. She's fantastic. And I get there and my buddy's texting me, Lulu's crushing. And I'm like, great. I got to fucking go after it. Because when everyone's crushing all night in LA, it's way harder to show. Then I go there and Preacher Lawson goes on on and i don't see him but i know he crushes because he's great and my buddy's like do new material and i'm like no i i can't do it

look everyone's crushing and um and then darren carter goes up who like brings a flashlight on stage and does audience suggestions i mean this guy the audience eats him up okay he's named it he calls himself darren carter the party starter and he boy does he dude and he fucking levels this room and i'm like i'm not going i dude i don't even want to go up and they're like like, go up. And they're like, do new material. I'm like, new material? This shit has been, this is a fucking bar mitzvah. So I go up on stage. People clap, you know, and I clap a little too long. Whatever your boy hops on. I'm happy. And I go up and I fucking start to do well. Like I do a few silly jokes. I make fun of a guy in the front row and I go, oh shit. Oh, boy's right where he needs to be. And then I dip in a new

material, dude. I did about 15 minutes of new material, which by the way, I didn't write. I have no idea. Just kind of stories in my head that I maybe wanted to tell. And a holy shit, bro. I, I, I actually like I killed and I'm like, fuck man, I should have recorded this. I'll remember it. And there's one part where I say something about Jeremy Renner as a joke, a side joke, and it gets a big laugh. And I'm like, God, that's fucking weird. I didn't think that that part was particularly that funny. And I didn't even think about saying I just said it. After I get off the stage, my friend is like, hey, Jeremy Renner's family is here. And I go and I was like, get the fuck out. I said the thing about that. And they're like, I know. It's like, this is the first time I've done the joke.

I have no idea. And I met them. And they were so nice, dude. And they were so cool. And we rapped for a bit. And so shout out to his family. But they were great. I just thought it was so funny because they know, obviously, I talk about them on the podcast.

I'm a big fan of Jeremy Renner. And they had seen me in Irvine a year or two ago. And it was just kind of funny. It was also, here's the other thing, too. That day, I felt like utter shit the whole day. Like utter shit. I did not want to go on stage. I wanted to just be home.

I was just in my feelings, you know, you get like that. And I went and I was not feeling it. And then I was like looking for every opportunity. You got one shot, one opportunity to get out of the situation. You got one time to make an excuse. It better be good. And I was like, maybe I won't go up. And I just made my feet walk on stage.

And I fucking had a great, and it turned it all around, dude. Feelings are only a moment. You know what I'm talking about? I don't mean to get all, but feelings are only a little bit. You can deal with this shit. Let me get real for a second.

You can deal with this shit because moments keep happening and soon you're out of the one that you don't want to be in. And it also sucks. Sometimes you're in a fantastic moment and then it ends. But whatever. It's like it's not going to stop fucking Martha Stewart from being on the cover of Swimsuit fucking Illustrated Sports Suit Swimsuit Illustrated. Does anybody fucking read magazines anymore? Like this is so weird.

It's so weird. Martha Stewart is on Sports Illustrated sports illustrated swimsuit issue but god bless her man whatever you know what she did her time in jail and it's all good she did her time in jail and it's all good and now she's on the cover sports illustrated swimsuit um it would be great if she was in like a fucking really skimpy suit, just bats all out and shit, you know? Holding a pie, just so shitty. But she did. I bet that lit up the internet. Some people can do no wrong, right?

Isn't it crazy? Isn't it fucking nuts? Just Martha Stewart just to prison for stealing. What did she go to for what? What is it? Insider trading, just fucking going to jail. And now everyone's like, ah, celebrator Ezra Miller. I just saw a video where Ezra Miller is on video choking out a female fan and throwing her on the ground. And everyone's like, yeah, but I want to see Michael Keaton be Batman again.

It's like, dude, it's crazy, bro. World's mixed up, huh? Globally renowned businesswoman Martha Stewart made Sports Illustrated Swim Suit History Monday as the 81-year-old was revealed as the oldest cover model in publication history. Dude, 81.

That's crazy, dude. Honestly, she looks really good on the cover. I'm assuming that's probably pretty airbrushed. Not because of her age, just because of how usually everything's airbrushed. She looks great. She's actually hot. She's hot, huh? 81? This has to be airbrushed.

I'd smash. Is that okay to say that nowadays? I'd smash. I'd smash beautifully. Is what I mean to say. I'd smash. Oh, wow. I'd smash beautifully. All due respect, I'd smash.

Good for her. Attacker who allegedly robbed a man at gunpoint gets caught after staying at crime scene to eat victim's fried chicken. Now, I'm not going to look. I understand the times and I get, I get we shouldn't be prejudice and racist, but at some point you just gotta be like we know what we know what we know the race of the guy who did it right i'm just right like i'm just saying like look and i am not saying because you know there's that whole meme where it's like there was a meme I was reading about making fun of how black people steal. And I'm just like, that's not cool, bro.

That ain't cool, man. I laughed. And then I was like, that's not cool. I laughed really hard about the meme. The meme was really funny. I go, I laugh. And I'm like, that ain't cool. And then I sent it to one of my friends.

And he laughed. And I'm like, yeah, but we both agree that's not cool. But it was funny. But come on, dude. And then so not the thing, but then to couple it with how he stayed for the fried chicken, we get it. Hey, dude. Who did it? Just who did it?

That's all I'm saying. Right? Trevor or Darnell. Right? So look at this, the way they they put it a criminal's love for fried chicken may result in him I mean more of the love for money and facing him a 20-year prison sentence James Taylor his name is the whitest name of all time unbelievable dude Phil Collins Phil Collins stayed for the dude James taylor is he the guy that hi son i feel rain penny

and no no no all my songs sound the same but ain't the only one i never wrote a song that didn't sound like this one i'll sing a song later and it'll be this one so so james taylor 20 was in the process of robbing a man who had just bought a bag of freshly fried chicken when asked to hand over all his belongings victim did so including the bag of chicken instead of taking off of the bucket of his bucket of ill-gotten booty i mean you know the suspect decided he would rather eat the chicken right there god dude that's so funny that he was like yo fool give me all your fucking money and then what's that yo that shit smell maggot what is that damn give me that shit too get the fuck out of here all right let's get ah fuck man this shit you know what hold up

fuck this man this chick can be hitting really please show up freeze god damn i knew this shit was gonna get me in trouble he should have just thrown the chicken and see if the cops are all the black cops run after it white cop arrests him tackles him down damn man wish y'all were all black i'm racist i guess um dude um i really appreciate you guys i can't wait dude by the time this podcast airs i'm gonna be done with my shows in Salt Lake City and Boise. Salt Lake City, I know, is sold out. I don't know if Boise will be sold out or not, but because it's right, I'm shooting this a week before of the time that the show happened. Anyway, whenever you get it. But like and subscribe. Dude, it helps so much.

Like and subscribe. And also what helps is leaving a comment in the algorithm. So we appreciate you. And, dude, I think I'm actually feeling good because of that Magic Mind shit. Magic Mind, I drink it with my coffee. But, dude, you guys, yeah, go to get the tickets. Where am I going to be here? Let's look. Where am I going to be here?

the tickets. Where am I going to be here? Let's look. Where am I going to be here? I'm going to be in Pueblo, Colorado, Tucson, Colorado Springs, Charlotte, North Carolina, Knoxville, Little Rock, Memphis, Nashville. Can't wait to play the Ryman. That's legendary. I'm playing the Ryman in Nashville. Edmonton, Ottawa, Montreal, Hamilton is all sold out. Pittsburgh. Oh, also, dude, go watch the fucking tour vlog that I do. It's fun as shit. The one from Columbus was probably the best one we've done. It was so fun. We were on those Lime scooters. Richmond, Virginia, Baltimore, Philadelphia, Reading. And we're adding more. And I keep on saying, I keep on teasing Australia dates.

They are coming. They just are not coming yet. But they are coming. So be ready. All right? Be ready, eh? You're not a man. That's it for the episode on YouTube.

If you want the raw, the uncut, the unedited version of this podcast go over to our Patreon, patreon.com slash crystalia you get it all in it's intended manner and also you get an extra episode a month and that

is every month so we also have like 27 of them now. So if you sign up today, you can go listen to all those immediately. That's a lot of content for that ass. So that is patreon.com slash Chris Lea. Patreon.com slash Chris Lea. Thank you very much, you guys. Have a good one. you