Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 32. Maurice Micklewhite

Episode Date: September 4, 2017

It is the 32nd episode! On today's show, Chris talks about Jai Alai. Also discussed: No Fear shirts, the new Young Sheldon show, men who post about their wives on social media, old fashioned cars, & Michael Caine's career. We have skipped TMFUIPOTW and Twitter questions this week. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show, we can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Square Cash.

This episode is brought to you by Square Cash. Everyone is switching to the Cash app, all right? And that's because it's the best way to pay people back. And most payments can be deposited into your bank account within seconds. If you use other apps to pay people, then you're just not doing it right, okay? So get the Square Cash app. Download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. What's up, babies? How are you? This is Congratulations. I'm Chris D'Elia, and this is episode 32.

And I'm in Los Angeles. I guess I could stop saying that. I'm always in Los Angeles. So, but I'm, I don't know. Look, first of all, stop what you're doing right now and share the podcast. All right? Pause it. Send it to your friend. Put it on Twitter.

Put it on Instagram or go to iTunes and rate and review it because it helps. Okay? You blow this podcast up pretty soon. iTunes and rate and review it because it helps. Okay. You blow this podcast up pretty soon. We can take over the world. It's in a bad shape. It's in bad shape. What do you think? You think we'll,

we'll do a good job. Our cult. So, yeah. So, so help me out and help. No, you know what?

Help us out. It's like the scene in Jerry Maguire when he's like, help me help you, right? That's what we're doing. So yeah, but I'm in Los Angeles and I just am hanging. Sometimes I don't really know what to talk about when I start these podcasts, but then I get going. And then like by the 25-minute mark, I get into a real groove. And then right as I'm getting into the groove, I decide to do my ads, which ruins it. And then, bam, the second half is just...

Dude, I did jujitsu for like five years and when when um this is a while ago but when i did it uh there was a guy in the class that would go they would always teach me stuff and he would be like and every time he showed me a different move he'd be like and then the arm comes around here bink and then you do this bink and then you move the gi over here bink and then bink and he here, bink, and then you do this, bink, and then you move the gi over here, bink, and then bink. And he would always say bink. And it was so fucking weird. And in my head, I'd be like trying to learn, but I'd be like, but he keeps saying bink.

And I feel like that's why I stopped doing it. And that's why I think I'm a comedian and not a jiu-jitsu practitioner. So, yeah. But it's episode 32. And I don't know, man, this whole thing seems like a fucking crazy. I just can't. It's just weird to me that we've done 32 episodes. But, looked at Joe Rogan's thing the other day, and he had over 1,000 episodes, which is crazy. I did a few shows in Los Angeles for the past week. I talked to you about Utah already. But when I did the shows in Los Angeles, I did a few shows. I got sick.

I was on – I don't know if I – everyone everyone always wants to be like is it the flu i don't think it was the flu i think i just got sick but uh it was annoying because like i was like kind of sick for a little bit and then felt okay and then boom it hit me hard had to cancel some shows felt really bad about that um but what you should do is go to the comedy store a lot. And I'm sorry that I canceled those shows. And I know people drive out. And look, the thing that I don't mind about canceling sometimes when I'm sick at the comedy store is you're going to get a great show. There's going to be fucking amazing comedians on there even if I'm not there. But I am sorry.

I know people drive up sometimes from like fucking San Diego or some shit or wherever. So I am sorry. But, you know, shit happens. Shit happens. My dog is itching the shit out of his ear, which is really cool because it's super goddamn annoying. I've been trying to put my dog on a diet. One of them is fat and eats all the other one's food. And the other one is just like, is too like skittish to even like sit and eat for a little bit.

So while the other one's like looking around for like ghosts, I don't know. It looks like it's fucking looking around and seeing ghosts and shit. That the other one, Butters, who's a little bit fatter, will just be like, oh, shit, you're looking for ghosts? Cool. Gonna eat the rest of your food. And then before you know it, Sam weighs four fucking pounds. And Butters weighs 16 pounds. And it's annoying, too, because whenever I call Butters, Sam looks, too.

You got one name, you piece of shit, and it's Sam. Now, Butters comes if I say Butters. Sam comes if I say Butters. Butters doesn't come if I say Sam. God, Sam cocks his head so fucking hard at me whenever I say his name or if I say want to eat or if I say ball. Oh, ball is fucking crazy. When I say ball, he goes nuts. I've never seen another dog play with a ball like my dog plays with the fucking ball it's insane dude i can run it in a sentence i could be like i could say lavar ball look and he fucking looks right at me it's unbelievable uh that's a 16 year old kid is lavar the dad or the kid i don't know but the kid whoever the kid is is a 16 year old he's got his own shoe

and the thing about the shoe is is's called, what is it called? The ball shoe or some shit? Whatever it is, I saw the shoe. It's fuck terrible. It's fucking terrible. Dude, LeVar Ball looks like a guy who would swindle you out of all of your money and laugh so hard about it. LeVar Ball's the dad.

Hey, your last name's Ball, and you play basketball. That's super weird. Be like, my last name was Microphone. Chris Microphone. Oh, man. I don't know. He's like the Kanye West of fucking basketball, it feels like. I like how he had seven-year-olds and he was like,

they could beat Michael Jordan. Seven. Sports. People are crazy about fucking sports. People are crazy about sports. I was thinking about sports the other day, and it's crazy how people literally live their lives for things like basketball and football.

But then when it comes down to it, and here's why I don't play games. And I don't mean like how rappers say like, I don't play games. I mean like literally I don't play games. Because I can't wrap my head around how it's something that somebody, some other guy just created the rules for. And then I got to fucking play what you said? Like, oh, you don't put the fucking, you put the ball through the hoop and then the other team gets the ball. And then you can't go on the other side. And then you can't take a few steps without dribbling.

And what? Hey, huh? Nah. Let's just chill yeah but oh you can't wear those color sneakers oh what huh i'll just chill yeah but you can't stand into the key for more than three seconds, and if you shoot it outside of here, it's three points. Huh? It's no points. It's no points. No matter what ball, no matter what fucking basket you make, it's no points in life. It's zero points in life.

It's zero points in life. So when somebody is at a party and brings out taboo, burn it. Because it's zero points in life. Oh, man, all the fucking things. I just, and then, so there were like the five sports or whatever. There was baseball, football, basketball, I don't know, like fucking tennis. And then I guess, so I'm not being a fucking idiot whatever their one is that they play in fucking europe probably for centuries that i don't know about you know some bullshit fucking game that they probably

play in europe that's way bigger than any i mean soccer but besides soccer there's probably another one where it's like they have some fucking what's that one what's that dummy shit sport where they have that big curvy fucking catcher and they fucking grab the ball with the curvy catcher and then throw it at a wall? Hey, man, get rid of that big curvy fucking catcher. What is that fucking stupid game called? High lie? Hey, it's not around anymore, right? Is it high lie?

Dude, the fuck out of here. First of all, call it something ball, okay? Don't just make up some shit. Highlie. Also, spelled with a J, catch you later. Spell it with an H. Dude, look how dumb Highlie is. Highlie.

And then they have just Google image image hi-a-lie. Spell it however the fuck you want it. It'll come up. Google will, it's spelled so fucked up, Google will be like, did you mean hi-bye? Did you, and then they have helmets on. Go fuck yourself.

And then long white pants. Go fuck yourself. What is that? Hi-a-lie India pale? What the fuck yourself. What is that? Hialeah India Pale? What the fuck? They have a drink? Hialeah India Pale Ale. Eh? The worst drink of all time.

Hey, drink Hialeah India Pale Ale. Tastes like curry and sports. Tastes like curry and balls. Dude, Hialei's so dumb. If you have to fucking work that... Look at that dumb fucking wicker catcher. Dude, that looks like you sit in it and they take a school photo. Wow.

Whoa, dude. Fuck that. Imagine putting that big-ass thing on your arm and trying to catch some shit and then throw it at a wall. And then and then and that became big. That sport became big. And people would not only play it, but watch people play it and not laugh. And go like this. Oh!

Unbelievable. High a lie. High and by. That's what it should be called. Look at these bitches. Video it. Video these bitches playing it. And look at these bitches!

They swing it from below. Oh, fuck. playing it and look at these bitches they swing it from below oh fuck oh wow orlando hi eli these guys are fucking they're gonna hurt themselves so bad you know has so many shoulder problems by the way this one guy has a fucking jersey on on the back he's number 40 on the front it's six hey man what number are you what the fuck yo what are you number six or number 40 are you team six it's so confusing the whole thing is so confusing why do you have a helmet on if in case the wicker basket hits you in the fucking head nah you're gonna be fine dude so they fucking make these

sports and then people are like yeah sports we and then and then you live your life devoted to this fucking football shit or baseball shit or high life shit or whatever and then and then that's your life you you're devoted to somebody else who created a game i don't know that's all i'm saying it's a little bit cuda shit it's a little bit cuda shit and i know that people are gonna be like i don't agree but definition of cuda swatch are um yeah so i mean Yeah, so, I mean, how about fucking my thing? The thing is when, here's how you know sports, the basic sports are a little bit kind of dated, is when the fucking in the 80s and shit, when extreme sports started. is when the fucking in the 80s and shit, when extreme sports started. First of all, don't ever put the word extreme before any of your bullshit.

Okay? Because it's not. All right? Everything is what? Skating? What are you fucking? What are you doing? What's an extreme sport?

Look up extreme sports. Like, what is it? What are you fucking, what are you doing? What's an extreme sport? Look up extreme sports. Like, what gets, the crazier the fucking person involved is. And then they're like fucking – there's so much into it. Like I get football is a way of life, but it's more of like a culture and it's like a family thing. And like you can grow up playing it and shit like that. But extreme sports with like BMX racing and flipping around and shit like, and like skydiving and fucking burning yourself on fire. Like those guys get fucking nuts. And then,

and then those guys are like, those guys are like, like a guy who plays football, if he didn't play football, if he had like a fucking injury and then couldn't play football for the rest of his life, he'd be like so depressed and maybe even catatonic for the rest of his life but if somebody couldn't play like fucking water jetting or whatever the fuck uh uh an extreme sport would be called and or like ripcord is or like flying or what's that fucking flying thing that they do with the hey you would wingsuit the wingsuit bullshit that they do like if guys if guys who live to do that can't do that anymore, I feel like they'd literally fucking kill themselves. And they'd be like extreme sports where you can die while doing it. Like they'd be like, hey, dude, if I can't put on my wingsuit, the day I can't put on my wingsuit is the day I fucking jump off a goddamn building

without my wingsuit. is the day I fucking jump off a goddamn building without my wingsuit. And, and, and like, but even like skateboarding has a little bit of that shit. Where it's like, why did, why, like what is skate, like what is skate or die? The word or has never meant less

than skate or die. Okay? word or has never meant less than skate or die okay because there is everything in between skateboarding and dying for instance eating a turkey sandwich you don't have to fucking skate it's like that's not an option hey dude what do you want to do today i mean you know skate or die i guess oh shit i was thinking about going to the mall well that's not skating or dying that's real fucking dumb don't if i'm a skateboarder and this is probably why i'm not a skateboarder. And somebody fucking, why can't it just be like ripping, you know? And fucking, this whole skate or die thing. Skate or die, dude.

If I didn't have my fucking board, take me. If you fucking, like surfing and shit, like fighting over waves, fighting over waves. My producer just turned on his phone. One fire. One fire. Yeah, I don't get it. That whole fucking, that whole culture is so fucking annoying to me. It's so secretly beta.

Even though it's alpha, it's beta. Because it's like you're not recognizing what char is a man. That whole no fear shit. Hey, fear. No fear. Hey, guess what? Fear. That whole clothing line when that shit came out when i was

fucking 14 no fear when it's like fucking crocodile staring you in the face and your hands are tied behind your back and you're in a room fucking fear, dude. You gun die. And that's okay. Sweat char a male with fear. Fear's good. Fear's good. Fear keeps you alive. Okay?

If you had no fear, then you fucking wouldn't put on a seatbelt in your car you do it if you had no fear if you had no fear you'd walk around with your fucking pants off and dick out you scared getting arrested scared of cops nah i hate that shit also you're just some guy in high school that's wearing that shirt that goes to class, you know? No fear. Fear. I want to make shirts that say, fear. I'm scared. I'm scared of some things.

No fear with the fucking mean eyes and shit. The graphics. Here's one. Click on that one. Seconds left. What's the one on the right? All the way on the right. eyes and shit. The graphics. Click on that one. Seconds left. What's the one on the right? All the way on the right. Five seconds left at the three-point line.

Down by two. Five, four, three, two, one. No fear. Hey, man. It's not that scary even. At least fucking try and make it scary. Second place is the first loser no fear see ya life's not too short it's just that you're dead for so long no fear see ya hey you're a beta Hey, get under me. Look up. Hey, dude, have your knees touch the ground.

Look up. Macaque's above you. Fear. Hey, man, chin up. Balls are a foot from your face. Fear it. He's scared. up balls are a foot from your face fear it you scared because piss can cover your face you're scared because from gay calm could drip on your face. No fear. Fear. Plus, a lot of those guys who fucking scream that no fear alpha shit,

guess what you're scared of? Dick. Fear. Fear of your bro putting his arm around you. Because you're homophobe. Skate or die. Nah. Also, you could just chill.

Skate or die. But also, you can just go see a movie or something. Skate or die. But also, sometimes Big bang theory is on a marathon dude have you seen the young sheldon fucking billboards dude i was talking about origin stories all right fine if you going to have an or... Dude, Winnie the Pooh's having an origin story. Step out of the room for a second. Gah-gunk. Now they're making a fucking guy from Big Bang Theory origin story,

which, okay, fine. Step out. Gah-gunk. It's free cunch, but change it. Because what char sakuta now i had to hit you with that fucking congratulations combo but now i don't even really have a problem make shows about whatever you had the fucking gotham show uh my buddy ben mckenzie's in the fucking show about batman is about the origin story about fucking um uh uh what the fuck is the detective on batman commissioner gordon yeah all right fine cool whatever i get it

make an origin story fine but the the the the whiteness of the billboard of young sheldon like i've never seen like that billboard of the young sheldon billboard. That fucking. Little. Like white. Kid. That like. Literally. Like. It's unbelievable.

With the fucking button up shirt. Oh my god. What's the kid's name? Is that Ian? Ian Armitage. Eh? Swite. I mean, fine.

The kid looks like Hitler Youth. What? Oh. Well, he's seven, so so i'm not gonna make fun of him but you know it's not it's not him it's not him but they dressed him up in like a tie and then uh uh see these kids who have these fucking parents that run their facebook pages and shit he now it's cool but i'm I'm going to elongate this for you because it really needs to sink in.

But if you're a parent, dude, the way the kid the way they told the kid to hold the fucking tie on the billboard for the Young Sheldon billboard and he's doing it like this where he's holding the fucking tie and he's fucking putting his arms up. I mean, it is so fucking cock and he's seven putting his arms up. I mean, it is so fucking cock.

And he's seven. Now let me tell you what you're doing to this kid. Whether you're this kid's parent, whether you're this kid's producer, whether you're writing on the show for the kid, whether you're fucking acting with the kid. And I'm going to elongate this for you because it needs to sink in.

And I want you to be ready when I say saying when i say what i'm saying but here we go you ruin his life okay you're ruining his life. Okay? You're ruining his life. He's seven. He. Let me hit a few notes, too. He. He. He.

You're ruining his life. I hope this show goes for 47 years so he's got so much cock-sucking money because you're ruined in his life. That kid is going to be 12, okay, and walk into – if the show is on and walk into a room and there's going to be like men and women in there and like 25-year-old women. And he's going to be like men and women in there and like 25-year-old women. And he's going to be like, BJ, now. And they're going to be like, oh. And then whoever's like handling him is going to be like,

whatever his name is, Sheldon? No, Ian. You can't do that. He's going to say, BJ, now. And they'll be like, what do you want? I want a BJ and some fucking lemonade he ruined his life with the billboard dude

I don't know I'm going to hell for saying that that fucking billboard drives me nuts just have him sit chilling on a chair just have him kicking it. There's a theme of bitchness with this fucking episode, dude. It's fine to be a fucking... Like...

I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Don't... Don't be a fucking... Just don't play up the bitchness, but also have fear. You know? There's like a line in there somewhere. Don't be a fucking

alpha-ass motherfucker that's like, yeah, I ain't scared of shit. Fuck this bullshit. Skate or die. Wow. I live for the waves. You know? But then also don't be a fucking bitch on Facebook that fucking posts something like, I'd be nothing without my wife. Hey, it's fine if you think that.

Keep to yourself. It's fine if you think my wife is my world, but keep to yourself. You know why? Because you look like a fucking cuda when you're posting it dude like how about people that like i just i don't i don't know it's so hard to say this without coming off as some as saying like, I don't mean like I, I, I, I value when like the, like if a man has a job and a woman has a job and you go, and if the man's the breadwinner,

fine, whatever, that's how it's been for fucking centuries. I get it. And like, it's, uh, you know,

uh, men try and like, you know, are the historically men have been the providers monetarily and fucking with with goods and fucking food and shit. And then the women are the are the caretakers and raise the families. And I get that. And the patriarch and all that shit. And I know how a lot of it is bad.

And I get it. I don't know why I started saying this, but. And I get it. I don't know why I started saying this. But, okay, yeah, I don't know what I was saying. I've been doing this. I think I'm going to have Alzheimer's when I'm older. But don't, you know, but just the sheer bitchness of being like, oh, I'd be nothing without my wife. It reeks of you trying to make reparations for the fucking centuries. And first of all, your own person, it's not your fault.

Okay. That they've been doing that. And you are, it feels like you say that because you're guilty. And even if you don't, and even if you mean it, if you post that because you're guilty and even if you don't and even if you mean it if you post it on facebook seems like you're saying it because you feel guilty therefore don't say it keep to yourself otherwise you look like supreme a supreme bitch you need to get one of those shirts that say supreme with the red bars on it and under it say bitch and then on the bottom says fear don't be a fucking bitch-ass motherfucker dude but also have fear like those guys that are just like my wife is my world yeah dude we man. Stop rubbing it in my face.

I know. Okay? Dude, my business is thriving. But if I couldn't have my wife and my family, I'd give it all up in a blink of an eye. Hey, dude, go fuck yourself. I know. We know. We know family go fuck yourself. I know. We know. We know family is what matters.

Shut up. Shut up on Facebook. Okay? Shut up on your Instagram story. Shut up. Write a book about it. Write a fucking book about it, you cooter. Don't fucking post it on Facebook because you get the itch.

Because you feel like, you know what? Here, world. Send. Here, world. Here's a fucking gold nugget for you. Family matters. With a fucking emoji heart fucking eyes. Eat my cock, dude.

You're ruining lives. It's not that easy. You got to fucking work. Write a book about it or don't post. You doctor? You doctor of love? Or you some guy that works at Wells Fargo? No?

Cool. Then don't post, my wife is my world, dude, because we know. All right? Dude, because we know. All right? Ugh. Just like that fucking emo shit. I'm actually getting faint talking about this.

That's how passionate I am right now. I'd be nothing without my wife. Yeah, dude. We get it. She'd be nothing without my wife. Yeah, dude, we get it. She'd be nothing without you either. You'd be nothing without her because you'd be some lonely fucking jerk off in a fucking, you know? Yeah, maybe you'd be working, you know, when you're talking about the patriarch or whatever. Maybe you'd be working at the top fucking floor of a building and you'd have the whole fucking floor to yourself. Marble fucking floors. Saunas. Fucking. fucking floor of a building and you'd have the whole fucking floor to yourself marble fucking floors saunas fucking just coming getting sucked and fucking sounds like a great fucking live

actually now that i think about it but just looking out at the building just thinking about I own fucking places out there too. Just getting sucked. You know? But lonely as fuck on the inside. Lonely and broken and 50. And wishing maybe you had a family. Now, you're too old. You're not going to play catch with your 11-year-old son when you're 61. Because your knees are going to hurt.

You should have done it already, but you chose. You chose to keep getting sucked. Instead of raising a family, you chose to keep getting sucked. Okay? So if you didn't do that, you got a family yeah that's who you'd be that's who you'd be you'd be the guy standing on the top floor of the fucking tallest tower in new york with a business suit on except for your pants will be dropped and you'd be getting sucked by a 22 year old be lonely because after she leaves you just got to watch like fucking espn sports

center now i know that still sounds like a great life but does it though but does it though i don't know i don't know i'm not 61 i'm 30 fucking seven i don't know i don't know i know people who have it that way and then also have it the other way and live with a fucking family and love their family and wouldn't have it any other way. Hey, Sam, don't bark at me. I know you disagree with me because you like family because you're my family. I get it. My dog's barking at me and it's very cute. But also, you're a woman. And, you know, just talking about the patriarch, if you're a woman and you stayed at home and you were just loving, you know, your family and you did all the fucking dirty work as a mom and you were there for your kids and you raised these kids and these kids would have literally died if it wasn't for you.

were there for your kids and you raise these kids and these kids would have literally died if it wasn't for you and you're you you you you you and you know uh you cook for your husband and when they come home the dinner's ready and and uh yeah yeah we get it you don't have to fucking say you'd be nothing without your husband, even though you'd probably fucking, I feel like the women would fucking still make it, but the husband would be the fucking lonely one, you know, because the women have, the kids would side with the women because they're fucking better with just kind of all around you know because they care more and dudes are fucking selfish as shit um but yeah just

with the emo shit dude keep it in your family don't put it online i guess is what i'm saying i don't know i i trailed off and i forget what my point is but whatever anyway um anyway families are important. Lyft knows what their drivers are. Oops. Lyft knows that their drivers are what keep them moving, literally. So they do everything they can to make sure their drivers are happy on every trip. It's a simple formula, honestly. Happy drivers mean happy passengers. Maybe that's why 9 out of 10 Lyft rides get a perfect 5-star rating. Lyft was the first rideshare platform with tipping built right into the app, okay?

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Who wants to have their payments listed in a feed? Nobody. So download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. That's all I'm trying to say, dude. That's all I'm trying to say. That's all I'm trying to say. It's all I'm trying to say. So yeah, I was pulling into fucking,

I went to Rite Aid to get some fucking ointment. How about that word, ointment? Change it. And, I mean, ointment how about that word ointment change it and uh i mean oint you know uh so i fucking went to get some ointment and uh and um i turned out of the thing and this guy was pulling in and he had a fucking I turned out of the thing and this guy was pulling in and he had a fucking like old, like classic-y looking kind of fucking Jeep-y type fucking bullshit that any, any, any girl that saw that would be like, oh, man, that's – that car is a car that like a lot of guys would like, but every girl would like imagine that. Like if they're 22, they imagine them dating a 30 fucking 3-year-old that drives this kind of car. Because it's like an older like classic-y type fucking nice paint job with no roof and the fucking roll bars.

But it was like from the 70s or some shit and this guy was a blonde fucko and he was driving into the right aid like i hope he was trying to fucking pick up herpes medication you know because this fucking guy with this car. Dude, when people get off on like classic cars, here's the deal. First of all, if you got six cars and one of them is a classic car, cool. You collect cars. That's great. And you got your fucking fun little tooling around classic car with a nice paint job. But if that's your car, a classic car, job. But if that's your car, a classic car, you're an asshole. You're an asshole. Because we've invented things. And I understand that sometimes things get worse okay like i guess you know a lot of basketball shoes have gotten better but some of them you know

they say well yeah but it's a mass production now and and you know the leather was better on the fucking thing and that and this and ankle injuries went up a lot since the fucking introduction of the air soul and all that shit and fine, okay? But most of us are just walking around not playing basketball. So if you have a classic car and you got some money and that's your only car, and you got some money, and that's your only car, drive it into a wall. Slowly so you don't get hurt.

But ruin it. And get a car that has fucking Bluetooth. Okay? Okay? Get a car that makes life easier for you. You fucko. Okay? Get a car that has air conditioning that when you fucking press it, it doesn't go gah. Get a car where the seats feel comfortable and not like a dragon is fucking you in your butt. Okay? Get a car that isn't too long. You know those fucking classic cars that are just too long?

Fuck those cars. And then you give it to a valet guy, and the valet guy's like, I don't know, I'll park it on top of a hill somewhere. So nobody fucking... If you have one of those long-ass classic cars, that's probably like a Cadillac or some shit, and if somebody fucking crashes into you,

even if you're parked it's your fault it's your fault your car's too long your car's too long okay hey hey is your fucking Michael Caine's career? Or is it a car? Oh, it's a car? Then it's too long. Dude, hey, is your car fucking... Michael Caine's career, dude? Dude, was your car in fucking Cider House Rules? Oh, it wasn't, dude?

Oh, okay. Then don't drive it. No, then drive it because it's not michael cain's career i'm doing this more i just have to look at michael cain hey was you was did your car play fucking bruce's Butler in the Dark Knight? Or does it just have four wheels and drive you to Whole Foods? Cool, then it's a car. Make it shorter.

Dude, Michael Caine's in everything. I literally could have picked a movie and it would have been... I mean, he's in everything, dude. I mean, he's even in Dunkirk as an uncredited voice. Like, are you fucking kidding me? I got to be in Dunkirk. Is there a movie coming out? Worst Michael Caine impression of all time. Find out whatever fucking, whatever that director that I worked with with fucking out the dark knight found out if there's

a spot i could fit in there so bad oh michael cain has a website that's hilarious you know he literally had nothing to do with it michael cain has a website. Wow. The official website of Sir Michael Caine. First of all, if you're a sir, dude, if I, I'll never become a sir, but if anyone ever fucking anointed me and I became a sir and anyone ever called me Sir Chris D'Elia, I'd fucking say, hey man, just call me Chris, okay? Dude, look at all the movies he's been in. This guy, you know he doesn't give a fuck about any of them too, especially the later ones.

So funny, dude. Like he was in Now You See Me 2, you know? And they were like, hey, Michael Caine, his agents agents were like do you feel like they want you to do I'll do it no well this is the I'll do it okay alright they want you to fly to I'll do it

I don't care do I I'll do any movie you ever want me to do okay zach braff's uh doing directing a movie called going and i'll do it who's zach braff i'll do it he was in scrubs what scrubs i'll do it scrubs was shown on nbc it was a big hit what's NBC? Oh, it was on TV. What's TV? I'll do it. They'll give you $19 million. I don't care. I'll do it.

Okay. Hey, they're doing a movie called The Kingsman. I'll do it. Do you want to hear what it's about? No. They want to fly you to... I'll throw it. Do you want to hear what it's about? No. They want to fly you to... I'll throw it. Hey, they want you to be an interstellar, obviously. I'll throw it.

I feel like in scripts it just says Michael Caine. It doesn't even... And then they shoot it, and then when they're shooting it, they're like, oh, let's have his name be fucking Harry Brown. Let's have his name be fucking Harry Brown. Let's have his name be fucking Hobbes. I mean, I fucking just, I turned on The Prestige the other day.

He's just, he's in that, obviously. Imagine having a movie called The Prestige and fucking Michael Caine's not in it. It's called The Prestige. Hello, agents. Yeah, I heard there's a movie called The Prestige. Hello, agents? Yeah, I heard there's a movie called The Prestige.

What a fucking bloody hell am I not in it? Oh, well, we'll get... I'll do it. Yeah, yeah, okay. Just tell him I'll do it. Well, there's not a part for a guy your age. Write it in. Okay.

The guy said he'll write it in no shit on michael kane i mean how much has honestly michael kane for real said like at this point how much has honestly Michael Caine for real said like at this point, how much has he honestly said, we'll see internet. How much has he fucking honestly said that really? I bet he said it seven times and I'm talking about when it first came out or whatever. And what is this internet?

And then they were like, Oh, it's like a a connected a bunch of connected computers and um it's like a network and and you can share like uh communication and knowledge and all that shit all right and then like a week later he was like yeah you know i heard about this internet thing what is it again and then that was the second time. And then they were like, oh, it's the thing where the computers are. And it's like, oh, right, right. Yeah, yeah. They set me up with an ALOL account.

And it's like, no, it's AOL. Right, right, right. And then somebody, and then like three days later, he heard about AOL. And he was like, oh, is that that thing that's computers? And they're like, what? And like, what is it called?

And he's like, the internet? And he's like, yeah, yeah, what is that? And then he's like, oh, yeah, it's like the computer. And then like, so he kind of knew what it was. But then like a few years later he just fucking stopped using it you know because it was like 93 and he was like just doing fucking uh mr destiny and fucking noises off and the movie blue ice and the muppet christmas carol and and and and and then fucking and then fucking he did them and then and then and then he forgot and then someone was like i'll

email it to you and he was like what is that they were like what's what and they were like email and they was like oh it's like uh i don't know do you have an aol and he's like oh yeah i got that a-l-o-l and they're like no it's aol and he's like what would i call that and they're like you mean the internet he's like hey what is that and that was like the fourth time or third or fourth time and then it just happened a few like a few years after that and then then the last time he did it was in 2011. It was the seventh time. And somebody was like, you should get a website.

I mean, I know you have a great career and everything. But it'd be cool. Gnomeo and Juliet is coming out and you're obviously a voice in that because they would never make that movie without you doing the voice because there's somebody called Lord Redbrick in it. So, you know, and you said you'll do it. you'll do it. So, fucking, before fucking Cars 2 goes into production because you're obviously going to play Finn McMissile again.

You should probably get a website. And he said, what's that? And he's like it's you know it's a fucking it's a fucking you know

a homepage that you could have on the internet and he said what's the internet I shit you not I fucking swear to fucking god's cock that happened fucking seven times and then he said and then he's like all right well whatever whatever helps you know and then they were like yeah well you can have things on there. Like, you know, you can have Michael Caine news that people will go to.

And by this time, it's like way too late for a fucking website anyway, because like everyone has Instagram and shit like that. Go back up. Go back up. And you have all the home for all your shit. And, you know, you have like fucking you go to the website. It'll be Michael Caine dot com. And you have the Michael Caine news. It'll be Michael Caine dot com. And you have the Michael Caine news and you have Michael Caine.

You have like a biography about you. Then I have a place to go for filmography, even though nobody will check it because IMDb exists. And then we'll have like a place where you can brag about like your achievements. He's like, oh, don't brag. And then we're like, no, you don't actually have to do it. We'll do it. And then, you know, we'll have like your fucking timeline. And then it'll be cool because we'll be able to put your books on there which nobody even knows that you have but you have obviously because you're fucking 90 years old and

you definitely wrote some books because you're too famous because people who are 90 years old and that famous obviously have written books and then also we'll put up a gallery and we'll put your favorite pictures on there and he says all right and then and if you go to michael cain's gallery it's got two pictures in it dude go to michael caine's website and go to gallery He's got two He's got two pictures and one is of him getting his hair cut. I mean, come on. And one is, of course, of him in black and white because he's been alive since cameras existed.

I'll put two. Michael, can you send us your favorite pictures? I'll do it. Can you send us your favorite pictures? I'll do it. I'll have two favorite pictures. Oh, cool. Can you email it to us?

What's that? Never mind. I'll come over and get them and scan them what's scanning nothing it's fine you can get it through the internet oh i'm not gonna ask what that is but i think uh i think i know what it is because that was the seventh time that was the last time he did it oh fuck a gallery dude how funny is it when somebody has a gallery on their website and it has two pictures i mean one picture is of him and then it's got different faces of him like throughout the years but not really though it's kind of only like well i guess one is in his 20s

and one's maybe now nowish but then one of the other ones of him getting his hair cut like what is that it's still from a movie i guess right has to be oh god who put this fucking website together dude fucking ray charles finn mcmissile that's like so offensive you know yeah we'll get michael cain to do it obviously why that's fin mcmissile what is that what couldn't be found oh great michael cain has a fucking thing on the bottom of his website website that says useful links and you click on it and it says sorry this page could not be found oh fuck i'm sweating i'm laughing so hard oh fuck that that is the hardest i've laughed on the website or on the podcast website oh my god oh my god i, the movies this guy's been in. And the movies that sound like movies he would be in are unbelievable.

The Quiet American, of course Michael Caine would be in that. The Actors, of course Michael Caine would be in that. Second Hand Lions, of course he'd be in that. Freedom, A History of Us, of course he'd be in that freedom a history of us of course he'd be in that i mean dude my producer is surfing around on this guy's website michael cain's west website and it it literally i mean what the fuck how is that the quote okay so Michael Caine is called the elephant to Hollywood by the way did he write this book maybe not whatever it's a book about him it's an autobiography so he did all right the quote that's you know how like there's a quote that's like the best book I've ever read or like one of the top fucking autobiographies of this generation. The quote that they're promoing this book to get you to want to read it. shit you're not on the on the website is and i quote a very british star

a very british star what the fuck is that his name Oh my God. His real name is... Well... Okay. I mean, his real name is more British than fucking Finn McMissile. And Lord fucking whatever it was. You could... His real name is so British, you could put Lord in front of it, and it would make it less British. front of it and it would make it less British.

His name could be fucking London, Manchester, and it would be less British than this. This is his fucking real name. Maurice. Micklewhite. It's been a long journey for Maurice Micklewhite, born with rickets in London's poverty stricken elephant and castle to the bright lights of Hollywood,

the most British sentence of all time. Rickets, you know? Rickets in London's poverty-stricken elephant and castle. What is it? What is it? Oh, my God, dude. And the picture of him on this photo, of him pointing.

Michael Caine, The Elephant to Hollywood, the autobiography and the picture of him. Why would you, if you're Michael Caine, why would you write a book? I mean, I understand people might want to read it, but why do you give a fuck? I don't understand. I don't understand.

A very British star. It's the thing that they have in quotes. What was that? Is that another book down there? He wrote another book? He that another book down there? He wrote another book. He wrote, he wrote two autobiographies. Hey man,

wait till later and the right only one. And also this is the most British quote. They're trying to present charm and humor of natural recontour. And guess if humor has a U in it? Maurice Micklewhite, you bet. Look at how they try to make it. Another one? Come on, dude.

It's not an autobiography, thank God. Oh, wow. Are there more? There's not more. You guys got three books got three books okay i mean who gives a fuck these guys who write books it's like it doesn't i don't understand you make what a million dollars what this guy's got to have fucking 35 houses i mean what's he worth? Oh, cool. He's worth $75 million.

Cool. Hey, you're worth $75 million? Don't write a book. The fuck? Dude, if I'm worth $75 million, you know how much of that is his book? $360,000. Guarantee it.

If that. If that. Look at the things that are top searched on his thing. Where does Michael Caine live in London? How many children does Michael Caine have? Where was Michael Caine born? What was Michael Caine's first movie? It's so funny that if it was a 20-year-old actor you looked up, it would be like Zac Efron's cock, Zac Efron's girlfriend, and is Zac Efron gay? It's so funny, man. Because those are British people. Why does Michael Caine live in London? Does Michael Caine know what the internet is? Look at, look at, look at, look at his Twitter.

Unbelievable. This is a sneak brag. Just saw Dunkirk. You must see it. And then fucking the same, the same day. Hope you're all having the best summer. Beautiful day in London. My favorite city. Enjoy your weekend, everyone. And guess if favorite has a U in it. Wow. He's fucking, I mean, I know I'm making fun of him. He is awesome. Michael fucking Kane, dude. Maurice Micklewhite. I love this.

Going in style in cinemas and then 47 spaces. 7th April. Not April 7th. 7th April. That's probably how they do it in Britain, right? Probably. Let's hope so. Let's fucking hope so that this guy isn't so like,

I don't give a fuck where the date goes and where the month goes. They'll get it. I'll write books. 7th April. Put that on the internet. Oh my god. Hello! My film going in style is funny.

You must see it opening soon. And then here's another tweet. Best of wishes. Hey, man. It's nothing. What you did was literally like breathing. Oh, my God. This tweet. I will continue. I will continue to have the best time. Hope you do the same. Huh? Somebody writes, thanks, Mike. Like it was just to him. Oh, wow. All right. This podcast podcast i'm so sweating i might skip the fucking hashtags and the fucking most fucked up instagram of the week no i mean i'm it's fucking we're over an hour and I'm fucking sweating like a motherfucker.

Shit, this is one of my favorite episodes though, dude. The fucking, oh my God. Fuck. I'm fucking so sweaty. Oh, fuck. Thanks for listening. All right. I'll do the fucking segments next week.

All right. I got some closing statements here. First of all, Square Cash. Have you switched yet? Download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. It's, uh, it's great. You got to get Square Cash. Um, hook it up, go download it now. Don't be, don't be cuda. Um, now I got some things that, uh, are, are, are some issues here. We just had a fucking good time. Okay. Now from a cult, I got some fucking, uh, duties here. Okay. Uh, rate and review the podcast, please. It means a lot tweet. It means

a lot to rate and review and share this podcast. Cause if the podcast doesn't grow just like any other business, it's going to die. If this podcast doesn't continue to grow, it's going to die. And I'm telling you that I'm telling you, this podcast is going to die if it doesn't grow. Now picture me standing on a fucking raised platform behind a podium with one of those thin ass little fucking stringy mics saying this to you. And you're in a yard because this is some serious cult shit, dude. If this podcast doesn't grow, it's going to die. And this cult is over. No elders, no nothing.

So rate and review and tweet this podcast and Instagram this podcast and tell your friends about this. Okay. Upcoming shows on my website. go to my website. It is not half as good or one quarter as funny as Michael Caine's website, but go and check out my dates. Phoenix, Arizona, Tempe, Arizona, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Boone, North Carolina, Charlotte, North Carolina, Adelaide in Australia. I got Adelaide, Perth, Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, and in Ohio in November, I have Columbus, Irvine, California in November to December, San Jose, California, San Jose, California, December 7th, get these tickets.

They're going fast. And I also am doing a show that is a, that is a benefit for Hurricane Harvey. that is a benefit for Hurricane Harvey. I'm doing it tomorrow on Tuesday. Tomorrow on Tuesday in Austin. There might still be some tickets left. Some of them are high dollar tickets for the front row because all of the proceeds go to Hurricane Harvey and donating for this terrible disaster that happened. And I'm doing this because because uh i need to i

really want to help because what those fucking families are going through is just horrible man what what what's happened in houston and i feel terrible for it if you can't get to the show that's fine uh donate if you can even a bit, even a dollar or two. If everyone does that, it really helps. I donated be like me and in that way, not in other ways, but, uh, it just, it helps man. These, these people fucking got their families torn apart. And I mean, the images are just awful. And, um, my, my heart goes out to these people, man. I hope that they can get their shit together soon, man. It's fucking awful what happened.

They're saying it's the worst storm that happened in a thousand years. That's like some biblical shit. Some shit you'd hear on Game of Thrones. The storm of a thousand years. That's like some biblical shit. Some shit you'd hear on Game of Thrones, you know. The storm of a thousand years. And Michael Caine would be in it. But, yeah, dude. Try and help out. Please.

And you don't even have to send money. Send shit. You can send shit. I put a link up on my Facebook page where you can send stuff like diapers and toothpaste. Just anything. People are going without showers. They need soap. So you can send package like diapers and toothpaste, just anything. People are going without showers. They need soap. So you can send care packages. It's great.

So yeah. So even if you don't rate and review, do that. Don't even rate and review the podcast. Do that. It's much more important. All right? You can find me at ChrisDelia.com and Congratulations.com or at CongratsPod or at ChrisDelia. Thanks, everybody.

You guys are my babies. Remember that. Catch you soon. Bye. Congratulations. Oh, fucker. Congratulations, motherfucker. Bob, you're the best, motherfucker. Motherfucker, I am the motherfucking child of motherfuckers.