Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 320. Doofus Clunkmaster Breadbox 3000

Episode Date: June 8, 2023

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Runk. Here we go. It's another episode. I will be in Tucson, Arizona, June 17th, crystalia.com. And I will be in Pueblo, Colorado, Colorado Springs. And I got some dates in Las Vegas. And the Don't Push Me Tour is coming to Charlotte, North Carolina, Knoxville. A bunch of different dates coming up.

Get your tickets while they last. Montreal is about to sell out. Hamilton is sold out. Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Detroit, Orlando. I'm not sure how many are. I don't know if any of these are sold out. I don't think they are. They're bigger places.

But anyway, go to chrisley.com to come see me in the Don't Push Me Tour. And without further ado, this is the next episode of Congratulations. So that's what's up. Yeah, and, you know, I don't know, dude. It's a good day except for the fact that it's gloomy again. And I know you don't want to keep, you don't come to me for the weather. I know you come to me for the hard-hitting facts. I brought this lint roller to my podcast studio because I thought sometimes I have lint on it.

But I don't have lint on it. Whatever, that's boring. But, yeah, it's gloomy and you don't come to me for the weather report. But also, sometimes you need the weather report. Here's the deal, man. Los Angeles was fired on all cylinders. Almost threw up in my mouth. Firing on all cylinders.

Okay. It really was. And then COVID happened and then it kind of all went to shint. All right. So three, four years later, it's okay. But here's the deal. One of the main, it's expensive as ash to live in Los Angeles. Okay.

The, the best part was always the weather. And now the weather just goes like this. No. Yeah. You know what? It actually does suck there. And I'm not trying to bad mouth LA. I'm in LA, dude.

I'm in LA. I'm in LA. Cause I want to be. I'm not one of those people that's like, dude, it sucks here or there or wherever I live. And then it doesn't suck. It's harder, but also sup with the weather. We need the weather to get the, it's the clouds, dude. And it's all the time and it's cold and it's rainy. I can't get my car washed. You know, and I know that every time I complain about something, people who don't get the humor are in the comments, by the way. Leave a comment.

And subscribe. Make sure you're subscribed to Super Good Studios. I know that people are like, alright, guy, you know, there's real problems in the world. I know. But also, clouds. Hey, clouds, go away, dude know, there's real problems in the world. I know, but also clouds. Hey, clouds, go away, dude. And it's just gloomy as all get out, and I don't like it. And whenever I wake up, I open my eyes, and I look out the window,

and I see clouds, and then I go like this. Isn't that amazing? And it bothers me because I want it to be sunny. I only like sunny. That's it. I like it to be sunny. And do I like it when people say they like the rain? No, because you don't really like the rain, right? You like to be sunny. I only like sunny. That's it. I like it to be sunny. And do I like it when people say they like the rain? No, because you don't really like the rain, right? You like

to be what? Inside. Inside when it's raining out, right? I love the sound of the rain. Get a sound machine. You're not Brendan Fraser screaming outside in school ties in the rain, right? in school ties in the rain, right? You're being what we are, we have come to known as a liar, okay? You don't like the rain. Get you all wet, sin convene. But anyway, it's like, we're all just chilling,

and then we got Al Pacino nutting all up in his girl, right? 82, 89, whatever how old he is, doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how old you are. Once you get past 75, right? 73, maybe 74, you're all good, right? You better have some

seriously comfortable pants and shoes and that's it really. Because, but Al Pacino goes like this. Oh no, I'm not done. Right? That's what he did. Oh no, no, no. I'll keep none.

Ha! Another kid. How many kids does Al Pacino have? Four kids. Well, he's about to have five. He's about to have four. That's the fourth one. He's about to have the fourth one.

With 29-year-old woman, whatever, you know? She's in it for, that's the Al Pacino baby, right? Oh, yeah. And so he all got it all up in her And I'm not trying to be crass, right? But it got up in them guts And then he's going to have a baby come out You know, nine months later

Baby's going to come out Baby's going to be like, oh yeah, oh boy And now Pacino, of course, he's not going to be there But if he was, he'd be like, oh yeah That's a boy Or, it's a girl Alright And good thing I nutted Oh, good thing I nutted.

Um, good thing I didn't put a sheet over it. Oh boy. Isn't he is. 80, 17. And he just, that's it, dude. God. And also, what's the deal with Al Pacino doing, like, people are always like, hey, Al Pacino is just like, they mix up Al Pacino and Robert De Niro, you know? And then Al Pacino and then Robert De Niro, he did it. He's going to have a kid again, right? Oh, yeah. And then he goes, all right.

And then Al Pacino, what? He did what? Oh, boy. Hello. Come over. Oh, yeah. Now what? Hello? Come over.

Oh, yeah. Now what? All right. That's how De Niro just gets all up in them guts. All right. All right. All right. That's how he straight up splurts. Just, all right.

All right, I'm all done. Al Pacino's just, oh, yeah. And then they are going to have kids. Dude, those kids are going to grow up. They're going to meet each other one day, and they're just going to be like, yeah, you know, I don't know. All right. The kid's going to be like, all right. I just, he's 83 years old.

And Robert De Niro is, oh, wow. Al Pacino asked a girlfriend, Noor Alfala, to take DNA tests. Oh, because I know I'm not the only one you've been seeing. I know I'm not the only one, right? Yeah, so I know I'm not the only one you've been seeing. I know I'm not the only one, right? Yeah, so I don't know. If you're 80-something though, and you... Actually, I will say this, dude.

If you're... He thought he could no longer have children, and then that chick was like, let's see what's up, though. If you're 80-something and you're wearing condoms oh here's the deal it's very um it's very responsible to wear condoms if you're over 80 i mean you know we know they don't because they're like fuck it i'm gonna be dead and i want to and i want to be really feeling all that stuff right

that's what that's what old dudes think probably i don't know not 80 but they're probably like yeah like that's where they say like herpes and like all of the crazy stds are rampant in like retirement communities because like why would they be sheeting right because they want to feel all that right they want to literally feel all that and have it just be like, Isn't that amazing? You know what I mean? And so, but also it's very irresponsible, right?

Because you don't want to have a kid that grows up without a father, right? I don't. I wouldn't do that because, you know, now that I know what it's like to be a father, there's just zero way. I mean, I got to be around. I started working out again, like harder because I want to be able to like keep fit for my children.

And that's straight up, you know, I don't say this a lot, but that's on God, you know, and don't believe in God. I don't even know. Right. But like that's on God. Right. a lot, but that's on God, you know, and do I believe in God? I don't even know. Right. But like that's on God. Right. So yeah, I can't imagine just straight up being 82. Cause when that baby comes out, you're going to want to have that. Oh, I want to be here. I would go, I would tailspin dude. I would just have a tailspin. I would spin out. My son or daughter now isn't going to be able to,

and I just got a few more oh yeahs left in me, and that's it? And she's going to have to watch, you know, she's going to have to grow up and just know me from the fucking Dog Day Afternoon movie? That's your dad. Really? Yep.

Was he 4'6"? He looks so short in that movie but he maybe he is i don't know i met him once i met al pacino once and he was awesome he walked in the room and he was just like hi um and i was like eh sir pacino um so yeah dude i don't know. And De Niro just was, De Niro, how old is De Niro? 79, okay. So yeah. I guess you could be around for another 20 years, but still. I mean, 79, 89, 99.

I mean, by the time you're 85, you're just, oh, dude, I can't even imagine being 85. Even now, I'm like, my patients are being worked all the time. Right? Dude, someone was in line the other day. I went to this place because I ate good chicken from it. And I, and I go like this the next day. I like, you know what, dude, I want that chicken again. So I go and I park in the 15 minute slot because I'm just going to go pick up the chicken and come back. And the 15-minute slot is real easy to get to. So I park there, and I go wait in line for the chicken. The line, 25 minutes. So already I'm like, okay, they're working my last nerve.

I am next now. And the people in front of me, it's two women and a guy. And they did the thing where, like, they're in the line, and I'm waiting. And they did the thing where like they're in the line and I'm waiting. And then other people, their friends were coming up and saying shit. And I'm like, are you all ordered for them? Like, what's going on? I need to know what I'm getting into. What kind of line I'm getting into, right?

But I'm 43. So I'm like, not, you know, my point is, is like my patients are already worth them. Period. I'm at point at, at jump. My patients are already like, all right, what's going on here though? Hold on. Right. No matter what's about to happen.

I, uh, right. So the people are in front of me and, and, and the line. Now here's why I tell you the line is 25 minutes. Not even because I, you know, I'm not even trying to tell you that like, that's a long time for me. I'm trying to tell you the last 25 minutes when you get there, that's a wrap. You go, I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. Thank you. Here's my car. Have it out. I got my card being, there we go. Boom. These people walk up, uh, this shit already. No.

Have already read it. Have yourself a read already before you get up there. Also, there's like nine things on the thing. And you're just getting the chicken, right? It's a chicken place. You can get a salad with chicken on it. You get a chicken. I didn't even look at the thing. Here's what I know you can get get a salad with chicken on it you get a chicken i didn't look at the thing you get a salad here's what i know you can get a salad with chicken on it a chicken sandwich or or a chicken

that's what you like. Even if you want chicken parmesan, which they're probably not going to have because it's just a place you walk up and get some chicken from. You go up, you say, I got chicken parmesan. They say no. And you go like this. All right. Sell it with the chicken on it or just chicken walk up and be like do you have steak no it's a chicken place okay chicken but these people are like do i now does it cut now

does the if i get it does it have the what read it and do the things come with the thing with the What? Read it. And do the things come with the thing with the, and this is the shit they're doing. Okay. So, and this is the worst part. The lady who's doing it turns around and does that jokey. I'm sorry. You know, I know, but I'm sorry. I should have. And the other lady laughs hard at it. And I'm just like, hey, you know what, dude?

I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days. No. Living currently in Mark Shapiro should be in jail. I'm like, nah, dude. Get it going. Don't be all jokey. Turn around. Yo, I'm actually really sorry.

I didn't know it was going to take so long. I really should have been prepared. I go like this. That's all good, right? Thank you for understanding my plight. But I went in there, dude. I swear to God she did it. And just to make a point, dude, I time myself just to make a point.

I go, I want this, this. Dude, I ordered five things for everybody at home. I want this, this, this, and this, and this, and this. Is that it? Yup. Put the fucking card in. Took it out. Signed the thing.

Dude, that was it. Then it took another 25 minutes. 50 minutes, dude? It's a new place, but get your shit together, right? 50 minutes? And also, in the window, it's one of those places that shows the chickens turning, which I don't want to see it. First of all.

Second of all, they had 900 chickens. Cut it up. Cut it up. Serve it. So anyway, my point is when I'm 82, holy shit. That's what I kind of get when you're 82. I get the impetus to not use condoms because you're like, I waited so

long for chicken. I got no time left and I waited 50 minutes for fucking chicken. I'm not wearing a rubber. I needed to make the most of this while I'm alive. And I hope my son or daughter, whoever comes out, I hope they get it because if they don't, they will by the time they're 80.

Oh, I get it. because if they don't, they will by the time they're 80. Oh, I get it. There you go. So, yeah. Dude, I was in the... So, my wife is the default parent, right? I don't know what that is, but I'm assuming it means that... I don't even know if I... Hold on. Let me look up what a fucking default parent, right? Which she, I don't know what that is, but I'm assuming it means that, I don't even know if I,

hold on, let me look up what a fucking default parent is. Default parent. She's like always home or something? A default parent is typically the one who's first in line when it comes to caring for children, child related, child related, yeah, well, okay, I guess.

But I don't really agree with this because it all depends on what the fuck happens you know William yeah he's really young really all he does is drink that tit milk you know what I mean it's not coming from me

so yeah she's the default parent but if Cal slips and falls and bonks his head he runs and hugs me he might run and hug her too but we know what it means default parent okay but so she's i guess i don't like that term because i think you know we're at we're at nintendo world and calvin wants to jump on my shoulders right so who's the default parent there okay but anyway so she says she's the default parent there okay but my anyway so she says she's the

default parent because this woman uh amber thornton created a term they'd be creating terms man i'll tell you that much and um so my wife is doing a lot of the, you know, hey, William, drink this, which is at all times, it's all, I get it, that's tough, I can't imagine having a part of my body that, like, another being had to, had to, like, depend on to live, I would, I mean, I would just be, like, I can't even wait in line for fucking chicken, you know? So the dogs, I guess, on the lower level of my house, on the bottom level, the lowest level, I'll say. Lower sounds like I have two level. I have more than, I have three level. I'm not even, okay, but it's the truth.

My dogs just threw the fuck up, two of them. Like they went there to do it, like they're in like Ibiza and it's fucking 3 a.m. And I say Ibiza. So my dogs went down to Ibiza and just go bleh and then ran back up. Stunk to high heaven. My wife takes some paper towels and just puts them on there. Like didn't wipe it up. She just put it on to where you throw it down and

then you see that the liquid to throw up just kind of over the towel like that disgusting shit we're like oh wow there's actually a lot more than i thought so it's there for a day okay and by the way i'm with my wife on this i i don't i'm not calling her out. I think that's amazing. Dude, keep that shit there till you, till you know what? Till you want to pick it up. I don't give a fuck. I walked by it like three times. I don't care. It's covered.

We good. Okay. So it's there for a day. I think it might've been there for two days. I have no fucking idea. Not more than two days, but there's dog throw up on my lowest level and the fucking towels are over it with the disgusting. You could see it was beige and all that. So my wife, I'm breezing past it for a day and a half.

Okay. My wife says, hey, the doctor's coming because we got to test. We got to see if Calvin's a little bit under the weather. And I'm like, this is unnecessary. He's got the sniffles like it's fine, but whatever. If it's RSV, which is a bad thing for a very, very young child to get. And he has it that he could give it to William. And then that's bad.

Right. So the doctor comes to test him. It's fine. she puts the swab up his nose but before that uh she says hey can you go clean up the the throw up because the doctor's coming and I was like yeah even though I don't want to yet, it's all good, right? Because I guess, I mean, doctors see throw up all the time, right? They're doctors. But she, as a woman, my wife doesn't want another woman to see she has a dirty house.

And I get that. So in a way, it's like, you do it, but also I'll do it, right? Because you're the default parent. You got to feed William. So I go down there. I go, I don't, I don't go,

I go with an extra little piece of bounty shits. I go down, I go to wipe it up. Dude, hey. Oh, it was only a little throw up. Stop the cap.

Dude, it was a mountain of hard, used to be gelatinous, brown something. Okay? Hey, and it didn't smell bad. Dude, I couldn't. It was like in the cartoons. The bad smell. And it went like this.

Like with the smoke and i go and i say i go i look at my little paper towel and i said oh babe this is way worse than i thought i i can't i gotta i'm gonna take dish towels i'm gonna get dish towels fuck it yeah because i could just do this with a few kleenex so i got dish towels i take the dish towels and in a way i'm bringing the dish towels downstairs and i'm like i hope it cleans it up but in a way i'm like i don't just kind of ruins the dish towels right because it should have been done already she she just laid the shit on there which i'm with her and i get it and i would have done the same thing but still in a way because I'm a piece of shit I'm like I

hope this ruins your fucking dish towels and I hope I got the good ones I don't even know what the good ones are I hope these are the ones you like I hope they're stained beige all the time forever so I go and I got also here's the thing I look under the sink like what can I clean this with because I need it degrimer I don't even sink. What can I clean this with? Because I need it. D. Grimer. I don't even know what I picked. I picked something. This is what my cleaning ladies do, dude.

They fucking take bottles of shit. When they empty out, they fill it with other shit and put tape over it and then write a new thing. They just write what it's for. Kitchen. So I'm like, oh, dude, what is this shit? I have no idea. It's not, kitchen, so I'm like, oh, dude, what is this shit, I have no idea, it's not the kitchen, but still, I'm like, look, kitchen, the spray that you use in the kitchen is some, it's gotta be some dope shit, because it's what, it's food, it's gotta get the real grime, the degreaser, you gotta get the fucking, you gotta get the shit inside the oven, so, I take it, spray it. Great. It worked. Dish towels, scooped it up. Amazing.

Isn't that amazing? So I go to take, God damn, dude, this is just great. On our second level, on our mid-level, we have two baskets. Now, are they big enough? Of course not. Why? Because they need to look good. And I'm like,

function over form, or function over beauty, whatever the fuck. But she's like, yeah, but the little baskets are cute. And I'm like, yeah, but what are they for? She's like, clothes.

But I'm like, yeah, but that's one sweater for me, right? So that's amazing, right, but the little baskets are cute. And I'm like, yeah, but what are they for? She's like clothes. But I'm like, yeah, but that's one sweater for me. Right. So that's amazing. Right. Isn't that amazing? So there's two of them. She says this, this is a month ago. This one is for dirty clothes.

And this other one is for anything we need to bring upstairs. Now they're both too small. So I'm like the fuck we need to bring upstairs. Cute tips. need to bring upstairs now they're both too small so i'm like the fuck we need to bring upstairs q tips two weeks ago we had a conversation where i say you know what that basket for our clothes is too small it's about one sweat one and a half sweater worth my wife says yeah yeah. So I'm like, all right. In my head, now, I went beyond the conversation, which we do sometimes. I'm going to put the dirty clothes in both the baskets, right? Fuck it. I didn't even remember I did this.

So what I did was I took the dishcloths, threw them in one of the baskets. I didn't even know which one, but it didn't matter because they're all for clothes now. And they both had clothes in them. So I was like, my wife's on board with my plan that I made up in my head. Now, about 10 minutes before this podcast starts, my wife says, what the fuck? My wife basically is just

looking down at the fucking basket. And I say, huh? And she said, are you kidding me? You did this? And I'm like, the right thing. Is this a joke? I did what you asked. And I put the fucking thing away in the baskets. And she said, you ruined my new clothes. And I said, huh? And she said, I put my new clothes in the basket to bring upstairs basket. And you put these dish towels full of throw up in that basket. And I said, yeah, because I want to wash it. And she said, you can't put all these chunks and throw up in the thing and you're going to fuck up my new clothes. I said, new clothes? Why are you washing your new clothes? She says, I'm not.

Just to bring upstairs basket. So I'm like, what? Too many rules. I thought I did the right thing. So here's my question to you guys. She said, go on your podcast and ask these motherfuckers. She didn't say motherfuckers. That's me.

But in the comments, is it okay to put, disregarding the basket, I put in the wrong basket, I guess, okay. But disregarding that, is it okay to put towels you took clean throw up in and put it in the regular hamper? Is that okay? Yes or no? Because she says no. And I say, you're going to wash the whole fucking thing anyway. I didn't ruin shit. How about that?

I didn't ruin shit. So I'm just like, it's not a problem. But yeah, you'd be doing that kind of shit too, right? Just getting by as a fucking husband or a boyfriend or a man that lives with a woman. but yeah, you'd be doing that kind of shit too, right? Just getting by as a fucking husband or a boyfriend or a man that lives with a woman. You'd just be getting by, right? How do two gay guys do it? Because guys don't want to do shit.

Two gay guys are just like, I'll get to it, you know? Guys, but I don't think that's the straight male thing, right? Can you do the thing? Like, do gay guys, are they like, can you, do you mind this? Like, Jesus, one of the best things about being gay is you probably don't have to do any chores. You know, you're just honestly fucking, right? It's pride. So that's kind of, it's pride, uh, in, uh, everywhere, I guess. Pride

month is every three months, I think. And I, I feel like maybe I feel this honestly, because I just, I live in LA and it's pretty fucking gay here and that's fine. I love it. I think, I think all dudes should fuck dudes straight up. wish I could do it but it's like you know bungee jumping for me I just kind of I don't want to you know um but if I did I would do it dude like you know I would do it and I would do it a lot man like I I I think all men should should absolutely fuck other men. So if you're thinking about it, get into that. But like, it's so, it's very pride right now.

And I was at dinner with my wife and like, we tried to drive fucking home and everything was blocked off. And there's not even a parade happening right now, right? Or is, I don't even know. I think honestly, like more than five gay guys walking around is a parade because they're just so parade-y, you know? They don't just walk. They like do it like that. So I got out of my car to go to dinner and a dude in a Speedo walked by just like super gay.

And that's all good. I think most guys should do that, straight or gay. But here's my problem with the whole thing okay is that we got back in the car after dinner went home and everything was blocked off i couldn't drive my regular route i had to keep making u-turns just because guys fuck other guys and it's like that makes no sense i want to go you know where I want to go? That way. But I can't because guys fuck other guys.

Do it. Fuck other guys. Like I said, I think all guys should fuck other guys. But I want to go the routes I go. Like if I was gay, I swear to God, I'd i'd be like ah pride month it is so it's can i just fuck guys in peace dude i gotta be all i gotta be all open in my window hollering out about it you know let me just suck some you, let me just suck quietly. Did you like that?

Yeah. All right, cool. Just, it's fine if you tell people, but just don't be all like singing about it, you know? And then I was like driving past a trash can and it said, don't litter glitter. And it was like, ah, that's litter though. Right? What's the most number one-iest thing that's litter glitter glitters everywhere. Always. Hey, look down. You got glitter on you because some asshole wore glitter in fucking 2007 right that you walk by that shit doesn't go away um so i can't drive certain places and it's super gay and that's all good

um i don't even think it should be gay to fuck guys. I think it should be straight. Straight into guys. Yeah. It's like... Some days I wish I was a minority so I could just be like, no months for me, dude. That whole year is gay as fuck. You know?

That's why if white men, which they will become the minority and and that because it'll happen where we need a white appreciation day or month right it'll happen eventually at some point some white guy will want that in the lobby for it and then they'll get a massive following and then maybe it'll happen bro count me the fuck out i don't want a month i don't want a day i don't want an hour. You know what? We could have a second. Hey, it's white second. When? Ah, fuck. We missed it. Oh, that's okay. Doesn't matter. What'd you get me for white second? What'd you get me for white second? Oh, I got you a fucking, um,

what? My wife got a fucking record player. You know, that's the whitest fucking thing you can get now, by the way, as a record player. You know what I'm talking about? She got a wet, a record player. She's never going to use because she thought some fucking records looked cool. I love her. Fuck. I love her so much. I love that she did that. But it is a white woman move.

You know? So, yeah. I'm white as shit, though, you know? So what about the throw-up towels? Leave a sound off in the comments. Coming to Tucson soon. I'll be in Tucson soon. Get your tickets.

And I'll be in Nashville soon. Get your tickets. Speaking of white, I saw, ChrisLittrisley.com. I saw, um, a video the other day or no, no, no, I'm sorry. I took a video the other day and I didn't do anything. I think I actually deleted it, but, um, if not, I'll show it, I'll show it up here. But, um, I was driving home and there was traffic wow i almost broke my mouth and um the car in front in front of me first first of all it was a scion you know so already go fuck yourself and it was the boxy one okay like there's two types of scions bad bad and worse. Boxy. Whoever made a boxy car, there should be an island for those guys. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you made a boxy car? Yeah, it's a boxy car island. So, yeah, we got to be here because we made a boxy car. It sucks, right? Yeah, it's not aerodynamic and why would you do it? Right, right, right. There's guys who made Scions, certain scions and PT cruisers. And on the back of it, on the top of the windshield, it said, dude, this is so annoying.

It said, stop white supremacists. Hey. Yeah. You know. Hey. Yeah. Uh-huh. Who the fuck wants white supremacy?

And even white supremacists are like, well, we're not white supremacists per se. It's just that we don't think races should mix. There's nobody that would be like, yeah, dude. I mean, the Klan, but where are they? You know what I'm saying? Even, so it's like they're in the, it says stop white supremacy. Also, also, you're on Laurel Canyon.

You're not where the white supremacy is. Hey, you're a bad salesman. Hey, guy. Location, location. It bothered me so much because, of course, I should have got a bumper sticker that behind my eyes said, yeah, fucking of course. So you drive by and you see his and you see mine. you go yeah no he's right obviously hey stop heads exploding too hey no more beheadings huh nobody fucking agrees with that shit anyway except for like nine people so here's the deal you're because other people be like oh it's brave bro that's the deal. You're because other people be like, oh, it's brave, bro.

That's the least brave thing you could fucking possibly do. Do you know what the most brave thing you could do is get a fucking white supremacy? I would say white supremacy on your fucking car. Have it say, hey on your fucking car. Have it say, hey, sup Nazis. You can't. You're in your echo chamber. The bare minimum is the worst thing you can do. You change your car to Twitter.

People who do these things, you put a bumper sticker, the Twitter's the new bumper sticker. You're doing the least you can do. And people are saying, you think you're brave? You're a loser. People go, I tweeted, dude, that's brave.

I was brave for saying that. At least. You suck. Go knock on a door for fuck's sake. Ah, but send return enter it's just stop white supremacy i just it's so it's so the the whole i'm brave for doing not only the least thing you could possibly do, but also the thing that everybody agrees with. Why do people think they're brave for doing the thing that everyone agrees with?

It's insane, dude. Oh, you're so brave for coming out and saying that fucking Jesus was a nice guy. You're so brave for coming out and saying that Backstreet Boys had some hits. I'm doing the positive of the negative. Usually it's negative stuff, right? But it's just like, dude, relax. And I'm sick of fucking Apple. But it's just like, dude, relax.

And I'm sick of fucking Apple. Don't make this shit yet. Bro, let me tell you something right now. I had it with this shit. Apple, hey, hey, VR, hey, dork-ass motherfuckers that are going to wear the VR headset for a day. This is going to be such, remember I said this, dude, that's Chris so you know who said it. The fucking headset VR shit. Now I'm not talking about chips in your brain. I'm not talking about chips in your eyes or, you know, a wristband that displays some, I'm talking about

headset, dude, that's going to be something that we look back on 30 years after headsets. And we're going to be like, wow, what a bunch of fucking idiots we were back then. Dude, people don't want to wear headsets. Okay. Even the people that say that's not true. sets. Okay. Even the people that say that's not true. Yeah, it is. You don't want to wear that shit. You just think you do because you're a, you think it sounds cool. You think it seems cool. The second you put that clunk master 3000 on dude, the second you put that fucking loaf of bread over your eyes and you're like, it's kind of hard to breathe dude you're gonna how much the most you wear it the 80 of the time you wear it is going to be the nah but i should because i paid for it dude you're gonna be thinking nah i paid three four grand for this shit i should really get my

and you'll be wearing like i just want to look at my phone and watch my fucking Samsung. Oh, dude, so what? Now you got this Klunk Master 3000 on your fucking head. Okay? You ever put a football helmet on? First of all, no. Unless you play football. Second of all, if you did, you go, oh, wow, it's hot in there. You got the Klunkmaster 3000 on, right?

For what? For what? So you could do what? Look at pictures of your kids? For what? Play a video game? For what? To be on Reddit? For what? To be on Reddit?

For what? To check your DMs? For what? To, what, for what? What do you need a VR headset for? What do you, a branch manager at Wells Fargo, need to save up your racks to get a Clunkmaster 3000 on your head and have it fog up from your nose breath? What do you need that for? I'm telling you, it's going to be such a flash in the pan thing. Talk to me when we can do that minority report shit, right?

That's porn. Minority reporn. You're in it. You're in the box now. You're just... Minority report. Dude, I'm an idiot. But whatever, man.

This is why you listen. The Apple event and shit. Everyone looks like such a doofus with those things on, too. All the pictures of the doofuses with the fucking, you know... They got like an Asian guy and a black woman and then like a white guy. And then like a... You know, they got all the sorts the doofuses with the fucking, you know, they got like an Asian guy and a black woman and then like a white guy. And then like, you know, they got all the sorts of doofuses, just different colored doofuses, just sitting with the fucking doofus clunk master 3000. The doofus clunk master bread box 3000. For what?

So you can Check tweets You dork Dude and people Oh You saw the thing Oh yeah The new guy he's not even Steve Jobs He's like who the fuck is this guy

Could be just Ralph from a grocery store Yeah get him in You don't even know who he is anymore Fucking clunk master bread box 3000 from a grocery store. Yeah, get him in. You don't even know who he is anymore. Oh. Fucking Clunkmaster Breadbox 3000. It's not... They trick us with this technology shit. They really do be doing that,

man. They really do be doing that. We went to fucking... They got us! Dude, they got us! We went to Nintendo World, they got us. We went to fucking they got us dude they got us we went to nintendo world they got us we went to nintendo world or whatever the hell it's called super mario brothers land whatever that i don't even know what it's called nintendo world i think nintendo land i don't know what it is calvin wanted to go my wife dropped dropped the she did the inception right to him before i woke up she got up with the baby walked down down, Calvin walked down. My wife dropped the inception thought into his head. And then he came up into my bed and he said, dad, go to the Nintendo

world. And I was like, how am I going to say no? Oh, buddy, I'll be done in a little bit. Went back downstairs, sat on the couch, came downstairs. And my wife said to Calvin, Calvin, tell dad what you said to me. And he said, I really want to go. And I go, I'm fucked. Okay. But when we do it, we're doing it all. We're going into Nintendo World. We're doing it all. Get the tickets where we can do it all.

She got the tickets. We couldn't even get the VIP tickets because they were sold out, which I don't even know what that means. It's like, you don't want more money? So we get there. As soon as we get there, they say, the line for Nintendo World is virtual. So we go, oh, that's great. We don't have to wait in line.

Then it says, we try to do it on the app. No more slots available. So I'm like, looks like this is going to be a fucking Harry Potter time, right? I want to see Mario shits. So my wife's like, oh, shit, we can't do it. Oh, well, and I said, there's enough Mario stuff here where we can pretend we went. He's only three.

He didn't really know. I hate to lie to him, but I'm not really lying. It's just like, I show him a bunch of Mario stuff, I'll buy him a little star. It'll be fine. We'll go to Hardee's and get a wrapper. I think it's a fucking Mario star, you know? And we'll drive by Carl's Jr. Oh, there it is,

buddy. Okay, let's go home. And so just fucking drive by the Carl's Jr. There it is, buddy. And... Doogie doogie doogie. Doogie doogie doogie. Buddy, look outside.

Doogie doogie doogie. Doogie doogie doogie. There it is, buddy. Doogie doogie doogie. So... Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-boop, whoop-boop, whoop-boop, whoop-boop. So, the other guy from Police Academy. So, anyway. So, I went to Nintendo World and couldn't get a slot. Great.

So, now we can't even get a slot. But I go like this, dude. I think about my dad. I think about my dad. And I think, what would my dad have done in this situation? And the thing that I had come up with in my head, which is the truth, is my dad would have got into Nintendo World, no matter what. I know that about my dad. So in my head, I'm like, my dad think he's better than me. I can do that. But it was a much different time back then, right? In the eighties, it was way easier to sneak into places. I mean, you could do anything in the eighties. You could do anything in the eighties. You go walk down the

street with your dick all out and punch everyone and not get caught straight up ever. Punch everyone and not get caught straight up ever. And now it's like, if you even think about it, they're like, this guy, this guy's looking shady. Get him on camera. And you're like, oh, for, oh, fuck. Okay. I'll just, I'll just be regular. No punching, huh? Only take my dick out when I go to the bathroom.

Ain't that right? Huh? So. my dick i want to go to the bathroom and they're right uh so and i know my dad would have got in but i'm like but it's a different era but i should be better than my dad at getting into places and doing stuff that i want to do for my kids because the student surpasses the teacher right that's what we all hear the student's got to surpass the teacher, right? I'm looking good with all the tattoos, huh? Pretty fucking sexy So I go like this You know what, babe? I'll be right back She says

Well, you know what? I actually have the stroller anyway William isn't going to really experience that Why don't you go With Calvin And Jerrica, our friend And we'll see if we can Get in And I say,, and we'll see if we can get in. And I say, all right, I'll see if I can get in. So I walk up and I look to our friend and she says, they're scanning. And I go, yeah, I see they're scanning. And I'm with Calvin and her. and she says, we're fucked, and I said, we're not fucked,

we're not fucked, right, because we'll be fucked when we can't get in, and right now, it's before that, so there's always a plan that we can have, so I walk up, and I said, you know what, oh shit, my wife has it on her phone, and I don't have the thing with me, I don't have it downloaded, and she says, oh, where's your wife, And I said, she's actually a few back, but she had to stroll her. Um, can we just like wait for her here off to the side? She says, sure. Just wait over there points behind her. And I go, you don't have eyes in the back of your head and i'm very slippery so i said okay cool i wait for a little bit i got calvin i wait for the lady to turn her head but i wait a little bit longer i'm not the guy who goes that first jump because she could be faking us out she could

be like yeah wait right there anyway but she be like, yeah, wait right there. Anyway, boop. But she didn't. She goes, yeah, wait right there. She goes, all right, boop, boop, boop. Three scans. She forgot about it. You know why? I realized she doesn't give a fuck, right? She just wanted us to make it easy on her. If we were going to sneak in, she was basically saying, hey, please, don't let me see it.

So I grabbed Calvin. I say, let's go. don't let me see it. So I grab Calvin. I say, let's go. We go into the fucking thing. And, dude, we're in. I got my son Calvin in to Nintendo Land by being sneaky in 2023. So, hey, my dad could have done that in the 80s. But how about them apples, my dad? have done that in the 80s but how about them apples my dad anyway chris talia sneaks into fucking nintendoland um

we get in dude and it's first of all it's too crowded right it's too crowded it's too hot and it's too crowded it's too loud everybody there is ugly shape up everyone huh do squats everyone right now do squats. 10. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, do it. It's cool. It's all good. And it's just like, but we were there, bro. They killed it. It looks nice, right? It looks real nice. And, uh, my son, holy shit. He was just, he loves, uh, Bowser and the plants that come out of the tunnels and whatever, the warp, the fucking tunnel warps. And there were plenty of those.

He didn't want to go to Bowser's castle because it looked a little bit scary. We saw Mario and Luigi and he loved it. He was just watching it. And then, dude, the line for getting a picture with Mario and Luigi was insane. Then they say, Oh, princess peach is coming out. Everyone I look over the line is out to fucking, it's like the line in Russia for bread in 1982. And, um, and so princess peach comes out in her and the costumes they have now are like legit it's not

like just some like doofy fucking like big ass like philly fanatic you know i'm talking about 1995 they the face of princess peach like her mouth moves and her eyes are big and they move and i'm like who's operating this are there two people in there? One guy sitting on another? You know? Or is it a robot, right? So the line's passing, and we're out of the line. I'm with Calvin, and I go, look. And by the way, Kristen somehow got in with William.

I don't know how she got in, but she ended up getting in. And no one heard. She probably did it the right way um and so princess peach i don't know how to tell this because there's so many people around and also it's just a face that she's it's not an actual person's face, it's the costume, and I'm like, she's fucking looking at me, like, I'm like, she's fucking, she is looking at me, right, but I'm like, eh, maybe my ego is a lot of control, and also, how can I tell the fucking mask, you know, it's not a real, like, her eyes are not real right so i'm like maybe she's not looking

at me right but then she grabs the fucking worker guy there the guy who is not dressed as anything except for a worker you know and she grabs him after taking pictures with somebody and she's like whispering in his fucking ear or probably yelling nobody could hear her right but like because there's that whole thing over the speakers and it's like I'm princess peach come through me to take pictures

and princess is doing all the thing but really she's actually saying something to this guy I don't know if that's a recording or someone else is doing it you know and I'm like Really, she's actually saying something to this guy. I don't know if that's a recording or someone else is doing it, you know? And I'm like, this fucking bitch is talking about me. So now I got, now I'm like, I got, do I have beef with Princess Peach? Like, do I actually have beef here at Nintendo Land? Is she going to fucking say, is she like whispering in the workers?

You know, that's that guy that got canceled in 2020, right? The comedian and i'm i'm like i don't know what she's saying but i'm like here we go whatever it is it's not gonna be regular right so the fucking worker and i say to my friend and i say to kristin I say to Kristen, they're talking about me. And the worker turns with his real face and now looks at me and points to me. So I'm like, yo, dude, hey, we're about to fight. We all are going to have to fight soon. We're going to have to actually be Mario and Luigi and fight these fucking Goombas and Koopas. You know?

Get ready to start jumping on some heads, Calvin. I'm like, some shit, whatever's going to be happening, it's not going to be regular, right? So she's pointing at me. He's pointing at me. She points. The fucking worker comes up to me and says, Hey, Princess Peach wants to meet you. Like to me says,

just some dude in a blue and red worker outfit says, hey, man, Princess Peach wants to meet you, man. And I say, oh, all right. I bring the family. We walk up to Princess Peach. She's just doing this. And I'm like, this isn't really, I'm not really meeting her.

Like, I don't, a man can be in there for all I, I have no idea. I have no idea. I think it's a woman. I look at the arms. I'm like, this is a woman. But I said,

oh, thank you so much. Can we get a picture? she's like yeah the guy took the camera take a picture took a professional picture boom boom he says and i say to princess peach thank you so much i really appreciate you doing that and i felt kind of bad because she obviously did it because you know she recognized me and i felt kind of bad because i cut the line but then a lot of people in the line were like hey Hey, Chris D'Elia, let's take a pic. And I took a picture with them too. And it's like, so I don't, I don't know. Maybe, maybe some people were mad, but it was nice. Uh, and I got that picture for, and we got the picture here. It's right here. Um, of, uh, Kristen and, uh, me and

Calvin and, uh, William and Princess Peach. So whoever that was, the Princess Peach, thank you. I don't know who you are. But very, very cool that you did that. What if it was just Zac Efron? But yeah, Super Nintendo Land or Nintendo Land. I actually don't even know what it's called. But whatever it is, it's actually very cool if it was less crowded.

You go not on a Saturday and go when it's not so hot, which is fucking hot now. I know it's hot. I told you that story, right, guys, about the fucking pizza guy. He used to work at Locke Yachty Imports. When I was coming up in Locke Yachty, he was an an old guy and you you go and get the pizzas and orange bang and then the fucking his vietnamese wife would always be like it's hot and then he would turn around i heard him say over under his breath about his wife but i heard it and she didn't he said i know it's fucking hot and i immediately thought well well nobody i'll never forget that i'll never forget

how about that how about them apples huh i'll never forget that. I'll never forget that. How about that? How about them apples, huh? I'll never forget that. Oh. Bro, I found my new favorite guy. I found my new favorite guy for real. Straight up. First of all, I'll tell you his name afterwards. God damn it. That was so loud. Just cut it out, huh? huh cut that part out i'll make it low the fucking uh what do you call it the um sorry about that the uh sound plant is is the max volume is too low

and so that happened oh we'll bleep that part this is my favorite my favorite part. He's in a coffee shop or a cafe, and he just starts wailing, dude. People get scared to go. Well, one woman's starting to cry. So Italian, the whole thing. Everything is so Italian. Dude, a woman literally starts crying. That's my favorite part of the song.

Dude, imagine listening to the song and being like, oh, this is my favorite part. Oh, falling in love, that woman! Oh, this guy's killing it! Oh, falling in love! Oh, them falling in deep love! Like, thinking about having families with them. Oh, not done, that's... Screaming, dude Wow, that's so killer Dude, that guy

This guy's called the best Sudden singer That's like so funny Sud sudden singer this guy is so awesome man i want to do this so bad and i'm not that good at it look at this guy look at this guy how he does it killer shit come on play it it's cool how I can't do it. I guess he won... I guess he won... What do you call it? Germany Got Talent.

That's the most Italian thing to win, by the way. Germany Got Talent. Going to Germany and just fucking absolutely crushing it i gotta do that come on sudden singer i gotta just go to the coffee bean and just here we go this one This one. Not that one. That was a really good one. Hold on.

Oh, it was the pizza one. What was the pizza one? Where he just takes a... What was the pizza one where he takes a... Here it is. Here it is. This is the song I'm doing. Immediately, everyone's happy two gay guys kind of pissed off though behind him I mean we saw

I've seen better wow the guy's dressed so like somebody from La Cunada so good Wow, the guy's dressed so like somebody from La Cunada. So good. Just slicing the pizza like he doesn't give a fuck. And then he bites the pizza. The most Italian thing of all time! Screaming! That's so awesome, dude.

Wow. This is something that's so awesome that if it happened in real life, I would be so annoyed at, dude. I wonder if I did it if people would clap at the end. For real, dude. Well, that was bad. I have to go an octave lower. I'm a true baritone. But, yes, he was a tenor.

Okay, cool. He's a tenor. All right, that's it, dude. That guy kills, dude. Sudden singer. Thank you very much for listening. My tour, chrysalia.com, Tucson. I'll be in Colorado, Nashville, Montreal, all different places.

That's it for the regular show. If you want the extra, the uncut episode of congratulations, go on to patreon, patreon.com slash chrysalia. The show is much longer, and also there's that extra show you get every month. There's about 30 of them there now you can go listen right now or watch right now if you sign up for only six bucks patreon.com thank you very much I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.