Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 321. The Lazy Republican

Episode Date: June 15, 2023

😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week we've got pride, politics, and aliens! Plus Connor McGregor knocked out a mascot, and Chris watches one of his favorite videos of all time. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

runk Tucson and Colorado and Las Vegas I'm coming there crystalia.com for tickets Charlotte, North Carolina Knoxville, Tennessee Little Rock, Arkansas

for some reason Nashville and you know a bunch of Canadian dates and Florida you know all over the place

Philadelphia go to crystalia.com get them tickets Canadian dates. And Florida, you know, all over the place. Philadelphia. Go to chrislea.com. Get them tickets. And that's that for now. Like and subscribe before we get into the podcast. And here we go. Another episode of Congratulations. Oh, shit, dude.

It feels like I haven't done this podcast in three weeks. I don't know what's going on. Maybe it's because I've done so much since then. You know, just being a dad, just getting absolutely yatted to the gills, you know? Just absolutely. I mean, dude, he's different. Ah, shit, he he's different bleep it out because it's the beginning but oh christ sakes he did it again didn't he he got all inked up i got all drawn on uh uh crap dude oh crap dude um but yeah uh so that's what's going on my addiction's got to go somewhere and now it's just getting drawn on.

So that's cool. You know, I could be a heroin addict, but I'm not. Instead, getting all drawn on. Anyway, I'm 43. You know, people say it's a midlife crisis, but really, I just think I'm the absolute shit. I just think I'm the absolute shit. I'd rather marry a smart, sensitive, caring woman than someone who thinks they're the absolute shit. That's from a few episodes ago. No, I don't think I'm the absolute shit. As a matter of fact, I have insecurity problems and sometimes I think I'm not worth anything. But anyway, another episode of congratulations is coming. So yeah,

episode of congratulations is coming so um yeah uh we're having a good time in life my son is good my other son is good my wife is good uh my my dad and my mom my everything's good man and it's too hot in here but it's fine dude guess what los angeles you know i've been thinking i've been spending some time thinking about los angeles and about how it's different now it's been different ever since covet and all that. Now it's like really expensive. It's even still, it's been expensive. But at least like we had it going, right? And now it's like we don't really have it going because it went crazy, right?

LA went pretty woke. And it's pretty crazy. But also, though, it's not really that sunny anymore. And it's pretty crazy. But also, though, it's not really that sunny anymore. But those days are over because apparently the sun is coming out on the horizon and it's going to be sunny. So that's going to uplift my mood. Thank God.

Because, dude, when I wake up and it's cloudy out, your boy is absolutely sad. But it is weird how much that dictates my attitude. Yes, dude. If there's a cloud in the sky, I can deal with it. If there's like five clouds in the sky. Oh no, he gets sad, dude. Basically, he just gets sad because of clouds. I need to see that sun. I need to wake up and go out. I'm like a flower, dude. I need to go out, sit in the sun and just take it in, right? Just take it in, especially since I'm really into my health lately. Just taking it in. Guess what I ate yesterday? take it in, especially since I'm really into my health lately, just taking it in, guess what I ate yesterday, salmon and rice only, dude, that's it, I'll be sick of it, for real, soon, thought

about today when I woke up, maybe I'll have more salmon and rice, I go, yeah, maybe once, and then I want to eat other stuff, because, but I'm on a health kick, my babies, Jesus Christ, he's on a health kick, I mean, what's going on, but yeah, man, I hit the gym a lot. I do only legs. Go figure. I do only legs. Is it an exercise if your knees don't bend? I don't know, dude. Don't talk to me about that. I bend my knees all the time. So yeah, dude, got the yacht, got some yats done then they go remember don't work out i say sure got home took a shower then slept woke up worked out i make my own rules right i make my own rules um i went to uh the gym and i did i said maybe if i got yatted on the arm it's okay i could do my legs went did some squats didn't lift. I do not ego lift.

I want to because of my ego, but my other ego goes like this. Hey, first ego. You don't need to be doing that. And then I go like this. Yeah. And we all agree. And my ego goes like this. All right. Fine. So I do a lot of reps. I do a lot of sets instead of just doing one right now. I still did squats. The next day I did deadlifts. Can you do that? Yes. Should you do that? I don't know. There's a bit of a mixed reaction on it. Should you do big, you know, it's legs and legs? Yes, but it's more hamstrings, the second one and whatever. I don't want to bore you with all the details, right? But I'm going to be super tattooed and super ripped, so watch out, Summer. My wife is one lucky woman.

Yeah. She actually says she wants me to be fat, so I don't know what that is, but definitely wives like to make your husband fat because then it keeps the threat situation at like a low level, right? You see me yadded up. You see your husband yadded up. You see your husband yadded up and absolutely just shredded. The striations coming out saying, hi, how you doing? The striations running for mayor, right? Giving speeches.

You want that? No, because then what? Trouble. Because who looks at striations and yatted up beings? Chicks and then uh-oh, right? But you got to have a husband with a strong mind that's yatted to the gills and striations are saying, hi, good morning. And he's still kind of, you know what I mean, about that home family life. So yeah, I do extra sets and I don't ego lift. Ego lifting is when you're a guy that wants to try and do the most he can and it suffers, the form makes you suffer, right? Like you're doing deadlifts, but you're concaving over, like you're trying to suck your own piece, you know, trying to do deadlifts and you're not keeping the lats engaged. You're just hunched over like a question mark. You know what I'm saying? But I don't do that, man.

But yeah, my lower back's sort of shit, but it's all good. But I just want my shit to, you know, I don't know, man. I'm talking too much about it. But honestly, that's why you come to this podcast for the hard-hitting truths. Speaking of which, the Grow or Die merch is out. I keep forgetting to plug this on the podcast, but the Grow or Die merch is out. I keep forgetting to plug this on the podcast, but the Grow or Die merch is out. It is absolutely ill. I made the Grow or Die come across the back of the shoulders so you could see it if you're a big dude. That shit spreads out real nice, doesn't look too small, goes a little bit over the shoulders, spreads out real nice if you're a fucking, you know what I mean? If you're a guy and they're filming movies on your back.

Because of the mountain ranges, right? And the open land and the space. So, yeah, go get that. The Grow or Die merch, chrisalia.com. And that's really been my whole thing. It's nice being, you know, a dad of two. I spend a lot of time with my sons and my family. It's been fun man

it's been really fun my new son William uh spits up so much it's he's like a sprinkler it's unbelievable dude he'll just beat you also he spits up not even when he's eating like I get it to spit up after you're eating you you know you're eating the milk right either whether it's formula or milk you're eating it and then you and then and then and then just? Either whether it's formula or milk, you're eating it. And then you, and then just, he goes, also it's so weird when a baby spits up because it's not, you can't say throw up,

it's definitely spit up because it's just, they'll do it like in the middle of stuff, which babies don't really do anything. But if they were to do stuff, it's like they would do it in the middle of stuff. Like they'd just be like lint rolling just like this.

Just let fucking fucking just milk just let it just right all over the desk while you're typing but yeah william will just be chilling in there but then we'll just be watching tv or something and he just goes and i'm, you haven't even eaten in fucking two hours, dude. How much is shit? Not like, Hey stomach, decide when the shit doesn't agree with you earlier. You know,

his stomach's like my wife, always giving people like, you know, I, maybe they're, you know what? Maybe they had a bad day. And then me,

I'm like, nah, I don't want to be around at all period um so yeah uh I don't know I posted the thing it dude the the internet I only use Instagram I use TikTok too I don't really look at I don't't look at TikTok. I look at Instagram. It's the only one I look at. I think period. I really think. And I posted a thing on my podcast. I think it was last episode or two episodes ago where I was talking about since it was pride month look I didn't even know pride has to do with all of the the lgbtqs all of them not just gay it used to be just gay and now it's

like yeah get them all involved all right fine dude it's crazy how much they're they're promoting this shit these companies okay i don't really give a fuck because who cares but but dude i turned on one of the apps like uh i don't remember which one it was you know i got hbo i got i got i got max i got paramount i got netflix i got all the different ones hulu i turned on one of them dis. I don't know which one it is. Dude, and I get it. First of all, I kind of think everyone is kind of on the spectrum of gayness, right? I think there's a spectrum, right? You either blast dudes, you think about blasting dudes, or you just simply don't blast dudes, right? Now, I think a lot of those people who blast dudes are living their best lives.

A lot of those people who think about blasting dudes kind of think that they should be blasting dudes, but they're not doing it because society says. And I think that a lot of the people who don't blast dudes are overcorrecting because they want to blast dudes, but then there is that minority where really we just don't want to blast dudes, and that's where I fit in, okay? I think, unless my subconscious is really, really good or bad, I should say. Maybe it's overcompensating, right? But I'll tell you right now straight to your face, I blasted zero dudes. Just period. Zero.

Kissed one guy, and it was a joke. And it was in high school. We were both in high school. And then we were doing it. It was like, ah, come on, let's kiss on the lips. Ha, ha, ha. And I did it. And it was in front of some chicks, and we were all having a laugh.

But it felt weird, you know? And I think it actually felt weird because it felt weird, and I've never done it before. you know? And I think it actually felt weird because it felt weird and I've never done it before. Not because it actually, I was like stirring up some shit in my, because otherwise I'd be blasting dude central at this point, you know me, right? But, um, anyway, uh, if you turn on apps, first of all, every three months is pride month. I don't give a fuck what everyone says. I see it all. Every time this pride month i don't give a fuck what everyone says i see it all every time this pride month i'm like didn't this shit just no okay sometimes i wish i was gay so i could be like fuck this month man just let me be gay and chill but this this is crazy dude i turn on this streamer and it had it was like celebrate your you know the gayness of everyone and then also trans and then

and it had the people on the thing they looked like it was they were shooting a sketch you know it was like you couldn't tell if it was a guy or a girl in a hat and he was and then another person it was like i don't know what that person is. And then they had two guys that looked like gay guys. And I was like, cool, fine. But then it's like, I just want to watch the floor is lava, you know? And it's fine. But it, here's why it bothers me because the corporations actually don't give a fuck that's why it bothers me because they don't care and so gays are like i'm coming up look at this month we have look

hbo max is involved really they're just involved because of the money aspect but then i don't know man i don't i don't know i don't know i don't know, man, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know about the issues, I don't care about the issues, I think everybody should be able to live their fucking lives as long as they're not hurting each other, and then I understand why somebody who wants to watch The Wire, do you know what I mean, and then they turn on some shit, and you gotta see, you know, some shit and you got to see you know like this whole thing about trans uh uh uh women or whatever in the kindergarten talking about sexuality with the kids it's like nutso dude it's nutso it's nuts but we talk about what we talk about and honestly i'm trans so fuck it.

But I brought this up because I put this... I don't know. I just feel like if I... I'm so not that, though. I'm so not... That's my problem. Anytime there's a... Somebody wants me to be a part of a group, I'm like, nah, nah, nah. No,'m so not about anytime. That's my problem. Anytime there's a, somebody

wants me to be a part of a group. I'm like, nah, nah, nah, no, no, no, no. Like when I was in college and they were like, you know, we got frats. I was like, bro, dude, you guys, there is no fucking way I'm joining period. You know, when people are, you know, that whole thing, join or die. All right, dude. Make the gun talk to me because I'm done, dude. I'm not... Join or die? You're going to be like that? Okay.

I don't want to fucking join, dude. That's why I hate all this pressure to become, you know... vocal about fucking issues when I don't even know about the fucking issues and I walk around and I see it in the world and nobody knows about the issues. They're just like, I'm just trying to work. Hey, can I have a job? So, yeah.

The reason why I bring it up is because i this is how i feel if you listen to this podcast you know it's how i feel right um and i posted a clip of me saying i think everyone should be gay um here it's it's right here i posted this clip on from the last episode or maybe it's the last episode whoops no it's this i think all dudes should fuck dudes straight up i wish i could do it but it's like you know bungee jumping for me i just kind of i don't want to and so there whatever i i and then so i i put and i i i um hashtag pride on it just as a joke and and it they make it rainbowy which i didn't know that if they did that maybe i wouldn't have bro the fucking people look i'm out of here sell out that he says chill bro i'm actually gonna unfollow lol chris is falling off now with this bs

another guy illuminati got him the other guy fucking done with this dude guy right so woke dude it's the opposite look sold his soul soul he said bro really not you as well they acting like i'm on these front lines dude everyone's a moron, I don't give a fuck, but also, I'm the, you got the wrong guy, unfollow, why won't this fucking charge, my phone won't charge, great, good, good, is it not plugged in, it's plugged in, fantastic, fan-fucking-tastic, dude, um, fantastic, it fell, fantastic, I don't care, um, um fantastic it fell fantastic i don't care um anyway dude i i don't understand the the the people on the internet they just the internet isn't real dude do you know that do you know the internet isn't fucking real

it's absolutely bonkers it's crazy dude like i kind of want to be on everybody's side but the inner that's why I say don't push me the internet makes you have to pick a side and if you don't then they'll do it for you I am the product of the

environment that I was raised in that's what Tupac said and when I was 16 I go like this he's right and now He's right. And now he's more right than ever. Yeah. It's so weird. All of this is so weird. And I don't... I think, honestly, in 10 years, we're going to look back

on this time and we're going to be like, yo, that was crazy, huh? All of it. All of it. I don't mean the issues. I just mean all of it. Everything that's happening. I mean, Donald Trump posts like silly memes of his rivals, the president.

Do you know what I mean? Joe Biden can't stand up, period. What I don't understand is Joe Biden, he just keeps falling down. Hey, guy, just sit down, right? You could be the president and just keep sitting. FDR nailed it. The guy couldn't walk and everyone was like, yeah. Hey, Biden, stop trying. Just sit down. If that dude just sit down and stopped talking, dude, we would be fucking killing it. I'm a nurse, nurse, nurse. Mama, that, nurse.

That's Biden. Whoops. Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Biden. Whoops. Oh, shit. He fell. Hey, Biden, you okay? Oh, fuck. Hey, sit in a chair. Put some fucking wheels on it. Oh, fuck. Hey!

Sit in a chair, put some fucking wheels on it. And then Trump's all out there just fucking putting memes. Dude, it's bonkers. It's bonkers. And look, I have literally the fucking left will be like, fuck this guy for saying this. And then the right will be like, fuck this guy. He's a sellout because of the left. Because, because all of it is crazy. All of it is crazy, dude. All of it, all of it. anybody who's too right or too left is fucking bat shit, period,

bat shit, if you're not in the middle, you are bat shit, and that's what's up, and dude, walk around, see it. Get off the internet. Go see it. Because this is the stuff that fucking is incendiary. You talk about Black Lives Matter. Is it good? In essence, yes. It's a nice idea.

Did the founders of Black Lives Matter buy fucking mansions and stocks with the money that was fucking given to black lives matter i mean that's what they say if that happened you piece of shit but you all know this you all know this if you take funds allocated for something that's supposed to do something and you don't do that thing and you do the other things like buy mansions and put it in stocks. You piece of shit. It doesn't mean that the idea of Black Lives Matter is a bad idea at its core. But you start doing all that other shit. See, that's what happens. And guess who else does that, by the way?

The government. They all do this shit. They all do this shit. They take the funds and they go like this. These funds are cool and i will allocate them for the things but also check out that maserati that's what they do because that's human nature and you know so it's like, you know,

it is what it is. It's tough out there, you know, it's tough out there. And I'm not even political, baby. I'm not political at all. You know,

the most political I ever get is when I do the dirty Republican with my wife in bed. Sorry, the lazy Republican. When I do the lazy Republican with my wife in bed, that's as political as I get. It's when you lay down next to the person and the wife is in front of you and you're on the side and you do it like you would be doing doggy style, but you're both just chilling. You know what I mean? That's the lazy Republican.

but you're both just chilling. You know what I mean? That's a lazy Republican. Although now that I think about it, Republicans probably have sex like just absolutely invigorating sex, you know? Right? I feel like probably Democrats have either like,

well, the safest, weirdest, safest, non-dirty sex because they're like, sign here. We're, you know, sign the wall if we're going to do it. You're like, okay, sign the wall. All right. Put your thumbprint here. Yeah, cool. There we go. I'll lay down and you enter.

Splurt, splurt. And we're splurting. And there we go. Okay, cool. Now sign the wall. Out time. But Republicans are probably just like, honestly, dude? This is when Democrats do it. And then this is when Democrats do it.

And then this is when Republicans do it, dude. Nope. This one. Just only a blazer on. Both of them. That's all out. Blazers fucking just getting all messed up. With the tits all out,

lopping around on the blazer, dude. Whatever, man. We talk about what we talk about, my babies. And yeah, dude, I am going to be in Nashville coming up September 9th, so get your tickets at chrysalia.com. Everyone in my household was sick for like two weeks, but not me, though, dude. I kept it real.

Not me. Part of the reason I don't get sick is because I don't allow it. Do you sick is because I don't allow it. Do you understand that? I don't allow it. I feel it, and then I go, oh yeah, okay, I see what's going on here. I see what's going on here.

Yep. And I go like this, hey, I'll get some rest. We'll see where we're at tomorrow, bro. A lot of times I wake up the next day and I'm better sometimes I wake up the next day and I'm not better sometimes I'm worse but you can't convince my mind that dude I truck through it

and I start snapping at people because I don't want to admit that I'm sick and then people say shit like hey um I'm in the bathroom and someone knocks or something. I'm like, why do you think I'd be in here? You think I'd be in here for any longer length of time than I would necessarily be? Or what?

What do you think I'm doing in here? Fucking a DJ set? I'm either pooping or I'm pooping, right? Because it's taking too long, so I obviously have a problem. So you don't need to knock on the toilet, right? Ain't that the truth, huh? Because whoever the fuck hangs out in a coffee bean and tea leaf bathroom for any other reason than they need to because they're fucking shitting, huh?

All right. We couldn't find it on the thing, computer. So here, I just played on my phone. This guy. A few examples of how you can worship your partner's pussy. You can take one of these things and do it, or you can combine a few or even all of the examples that I'm going to give you in one pussy worship ritual.

I mean pussy. Number one is pussy gazing. Simply look at your partner's pussy and... Hey, we call that perving. Do you want to worship the pussy? Look at the partner's pussy. Just look at it, pussy gazing. Stare at it.

It doesn't matter if you're in public. If they have a skirt on, get lower. Pussy, look at it. Okay? Also, getting inside her. A way to worship it, thrusting in and out, splurting, right?

Thinking of other women when you're inside a pussy think of another pussy look at it with total love and acceptance this is one of the most beautiful powerful and healing things that you can do especially because so many women experience a lot of insecurities about how the vulva vagina and pussy looks like imagine the guy dude how insecure you'd be after that guy saying that to you. That's why I like to go, wow, that is just absolutely beautiful. You know what? You might be insecure about that, but boy, I got to tell you, that's beautiful. That's what I do.

That's what I do. As soon as I see it for the first time too. I did it to my wife. That's how I got her. That's what I do as soon as I see it for the first time, too. I did it to my wife. That's how I got her. I say, yo, whoa, whoa.

Hold on a second. What is going on there? That is beautiful, sweetie. Sweetie doll. That is a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful part on you. What's the where's the. That's amazing guy. Damn, that's the Mason guy. Damn, I don't have it.

Do I have it? It should be there, right? You did it, didn't you? Yeah. The one is verbally worshipping and expressing your adoration. Tell her how beautiful her pussy is. Tell her how delicious she tastes. Imagine going down there and just being like, hold on.

Hold on a second. Hold on. Stop the cab. That is gorgeous. That tastes gorgeous. Hold on a second. Stop the cab. That tastes gorgeous.

Sweetie doll, stop the cap. You're insecure about this? Sweetie doll, this is unbelievable. This is just great, sweetie doll. Tell her how wonderful she smells. Oh, you smell great, sweetie. This is amazing. That's me.

Another wonderful way is, of course, touch. Touch your partner and feel the depth of love and gratitude. God, this feels great. This just feels absolutely fantastic, me during intercourse. Now, I don't know why you're insecure about this, but God, does this feel good. That's me during intercourse. A life-giving, pleasure-giving source. Let's make a baby.

The tips of your fingers as you are touching her, as you are giving her pleasure. Let's make a baby. Here we go. Another tip. Draw it. Oh, dude. Pervin. Pervin. Eat her like you mean it, dude. That is 100%.

If that's not an R&B song. I'm going to eat her like you mean it, dude. That is 100%. If that's not an R&B song, I'ma eat her like I mean. Baby, I'ma eat you like I mean it. Baby, I'ma... Girl, I'ma eat you like I mean it. Girl, a lot of guys just be lapping. I'ma be eating it like I mean it Eat her like it's the most delicious meal you've ever

I mean, don't chew it, you know? Tasted it your entire life Don't eat her because you have to Don't eat her because you try to make her Eat her Dumber Don't eat her because you think she would like it Eat her because it's the most erotically alive The most desirable Dahmer.

Shoo it. Shoo it. Hey, I, hey, I, hey-ya, hey-ya. With smoke and shit. And look. Hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya. Lay down, baby. Hey-ya, hey-ya. Baby, lay down. Hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya. Take your clothes off. At least your bottoms, baby. Hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya. Put your shirt over your tits. You know how I like it.

Hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya. Bunch them up. Hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya. And here we go. God. God, that was great. Sweetie go. Hey, hey, hey, hey. And here we go. And here we go. God. God, that was great. Sweetie doll, I don't know why you're insecure about that. It feels absolutely amazing. The house is on fire.

God damn it. Baby, get out. Get out. Put your clothes on and get out. No, skip the clothes. Get out. Run to the neighbors. It's pussy.

It can be something along the line of your partner sitting at the middle of a circle of flowers, for example. You can light candles and incense. And you sit and meditate in front of her vagina. You can offer some flowers, fruits, or sweets. And the greatest part about this, you can do this on the subway. Around as offerings for the goddess. As well as incorporate everything that feels creatively alive and joyful and playful and fun for you to incorporate in that ritual. After you perform that kind of ritual, you can also take that and incorporate everything else that I've spoken about and perform any of these things as part of the ritual as well.

Examples of how... Well, that's creepy. Tell me more about that. You can worship your partner's pussy. You can take one of these things and do it or you can combine combine it you know oh god i mean the guy just so has slept with eight women in his entire life you know has slept with eight women and uh each of them each of them under 10 times well that's creepy. Tell me more about that.

Dude, everyone... Sweetie doll. You think I undress? Yeah, undress, take the pants off, go like this. Sweetie doll? This is... I know a lot of women are insecure About the downstairs area But hold on a second

This This one right here that you have It's just unbelievably beautiful Come on Sweetie doll You know what I'm going to perform Don't mess up the circle of flowers But sit right here Unbelievably beautiful. Come on, sweetie doll. Let me touch. You know what?

I'm going to perform that. There we go. Don't mess up the circle of flowers, but sit right here. Okay, now let me start this here. Fire. There we go. I'm going to get my big banana leaf. Here we go.

And let me just touch it. See, that's wet. See, now the deal with that is it feels amazing, right? I don't know why. I know sometimes the thing to do if you're a woman and you've got, you know, a lot of women are insecure. But the way this one feels is just absolutely bonkers city. Oh, my God. Sweetie doll, I'm going to eat it. Let me eat it and let me just see what this is.

Oh, my God. Well, hello. That is the greatest thing I could do for me. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Hey, I, hey, I, now I'm just going to end. All right, the house is on fire. Get out. Oh, shit, man.

Dude, just so good, man. And yes, I'm going to be in Montreal coming up. So go to chrisalea.com to get tickets. So yeah, dude, but that's worshipping it. I don't think, honestly, you should worship anything. Iron Sheik is dead, dude. I feel like that's crazy, man. I used to talk to him and stuff on Twitter

when I used to do Twitter. He was very cool, man. I'm sad he died. So rest in peace to the Iron Sheik, dude. You know, I think that's, he should, uh, he should, um, he should, uh, definitely, uh, have beyond people's minds because it's, because it's beautiful. Um, I'm going to take a break here for a sec dude did you guys see this thing

first of all I didn't know about this at all until today when was this do you know yesterday alright okay so I'm not too bad here

Conor McGregor punched out a mascot in mascot gear this whole idea is so stupid apparently he was supposed to knock out quote unquote a mascot and he actually did

here look mascot stunt gone wrong even in denver hey good morning michael it was a strange scene conor mcgregor was not all right but it went to the hospital here we go this morning the man inside this mascot costume is recovering after this knockout punch from mixed martial arts superstar conor mcgregor sent him to the hospital in a halftime skit why do you hit him twice oh his hat flew off you know at center court at halftime of game four of the nba finals between the denver nuggets and miami heat dude mcgregor came out for a special promotional appearance for his new pain relief spray with miami fans booing mcgregor the entire time

the skit called for mcgregor to pitch the product to the crowd until the Heat's mascot, Bernie, appeared in boxing gear ready to confront him. Then came the first punch. A left hook followed by this. A second one. His time with Bernie on the ground. Lucy, leave it! Conor McGregor just lost his mind, you know?

He's fucking, he's just zero to a hundred. There's no 50 miles an hour, you know? What do you want me to do, huh? I'll punch him out. I'll knock him out. I'll fuck it up. Dude, so fucking dumb, that idea.

I mean, dude, idiots that come up with this shit. Pain medication. By the way, it took him to the hospital. They took him to the hospital? The result, something the organizers of the prank hadn't planned on yeah yeah we're playing bernie taken to a local emergency room given pain medicine and released the dude that's hilarious they should just give him the spray dude the fucking thing comes out for pain relief spray and then the boxer mascot comes out and he's supposed to spray him with it

and then ends up knocking him out that That's not even a good skit. What do you mean? This should be all over the what could go wrong thing. You know what? Deserve it scale that we talk about? This is a 10 right here. The fucking stupid goofy bird came out. I don't even know.

Miami Heat mascot. It's just so dumb, dude. Bizarre skit going viral all weekend. Heat coach Eric Spolstra summing it up with some dark humor. It's the Miami Heat toughness that we're talking about. That's not dark humor. You know? With some dark humor.

I have AIDS. I have AIDS. I eat children. Wow. Okay i eat children wow okay that was dark toughness that we're talking about spolster also said that should there be a game six in miami on thursday bernie would be cleared for action and i mean dude just get a different guy you know he's got a big ass bird head on him it's all good man it's all good god dude bits and skits and shit so here's what i'm thinking you know anytime you got to deal with that guy it sucks so here's what i'm thinking here we do call me dude call me expiragus expiragus there isn't a bigger fucking idiot on the planet than dj khaled you Call me Xperigus Xperigus

There isn't a bigger fucking idiot on the planet than DJ Khaled You know and he's laughing all his way to the bank He just started golfing and he's just like I I'm golfing every day And then he was on the cover of Golf Digest dude All these fucking companies are such cucks You know

Golf I golf Tiger Woods play me I golf now I golf so much. And he hits the ball and he fucking screams. Everyone on the fucking golf course is so pissed off that we're the best. You hear way, way beyond in a different, we're the best. I play golf. I golf every day now. Just so bored. I'm done making music. I'm a golf. I golf. I'm a golf X. I'm a golf bag. I'm a bag. Now put your clubs in me. I'll, I'll stand on my head upside down. Put clubs in my anus. I'm a golf bag. We the best. Imagine you're playing fucking golf and you're like a 65 year old retired white guy. And then all of a sudden in the background, you just hear, I'm a golf aficionado.

I'm a golf bag. Get the nine on out of my anus. It's time to use it. I'm expirigus. I'm ex I'm going to have an expresso and eat an expirigus. Dude, just wearing green clothes, you know,

so on fucking creative. and eat an asparagus dude just wearing green clothes you know so un-fucking-creative call me asparagus just limping so hard That is so corny. Call me asparagus. Dude, it's so corny that he's friends with Mark Wahlberg too, you know? The two of them hang out. They fucking hate each other. And they hang out so much. Call me asparagus. Like, you think fucking Mark Wahlberg wants to hang out with a fucking nyuk-nyuk like that?

Two nyuk-nyuks hanging out? Nyuk-nyuk. Just two fucking curlies just chilling? Hey, what's up, TJ Khaled? Call me Xperigus. Oh, okay. Dude, nothing I hate more than two celebrities that become friends because they're celebrities. I can't fucking stand that.

It's so annoying. Then they act like they were always friends. Dude, they fucking hate each other. Trust me. I know. I've been in these rooms. I'm arguably a celebrity. They fucking all hate each other.

And they act like they're like best friends and like somebody makes it. And when somebody makes it, then they're in pictures with other people that are fucking already made it. It's so shitty, dude. It's why everyone fucking hates Hollywood. Cause they sniffed this bullshit out. You think Mark Wahlberg is friends with DJ Khaled. This shit sucks. I buy Mark Wahlberg is friends with Mario Lopez. I buy that. They're basically you know they work out together probably they're both very religious.

But then DJ Khaled comes along and is just like Call me Xperigus. Dude it's so dumb he says Xperigus. Wow that's so annoying. Call me asparagus. Okay, you know. Okay,

grandpa. Just lost his fucking mind. Alright. Oh, here comes grandpa. He's probably going to say something. Call me asparagus. Okay. Asparagus. Asparagus. Alright. Oh, God damn it. Wore that outfit once too, you know?

Unreal. I don't know what's wrong with these fucking people, but who cares? I love this shit. Southern Nevada is abuzz tonight with stories about the crash of an unknown object and the alleged sighting of strange creatures in the backyard of a Northwest Valley home. Such a mouthful. You know what?

Dude, the fucking got through that and was sweating so hard and got through it and unbelievable. Dude, I love when all newscasters and reporters have to do is say allegedly and they can't get sued for millions of dollars you know that's the best is that there's just one word that absolves it yeah he murdered nine people allegedly if you say if you drop allegedly that you go to jail dude for defamation that's crazy brother it's just a word it's basically abracadabra. And then everyone just believes it, too.

Southern Nevada is abuzz tonight with stories about the crash of an unknown object and the alleged sighting of strange creatures in the backyard of a Northwest Valley home. Such a fucking mouthful, dude! It was last night that 8 News Now investigator David Charnes reported about how Metro Police responded back on May 1st. Such a fucking mouthful, dude.

Dude, it's not aliens, you know? They're fucking idiots that they interviewed. All right, go to it. Look at that. He's so pissed that they have to do it, too. He doesn't believe in aliens, that guy. Here we go. Dude, this is fucking news.

Come on! Later heard footsteps on their roof. They saw one of the eight-foot-tall creatures climb behind the controls of a large front loader stored in the yard, as if trying to engage it. Oh, yeah. Also, they did mushrooms first. Got a good look at one of the creatures, he said, a greenish-grayish being with large eyes and long legs. He says he could hear its deep breaths and when he locked eyes he was in essence frozen in place couldn't move in the dude i don't believe anybody who's frozen who says and i couldn't move because you can dude you can't believe somebody who thinks

that they lock up because they're scared when you can just fucking keep walking dude these fuck and oh and the aliens let me guess dude yeah they all had big eyes and they were lanky and eight feet tall. Oh, really, dude? They all look like the cover of that book, Communion, that my dad used to read back in the fucking 90s. All of them, dude? They all look like that. Just once. Just once.

I want to hear. It was actually crazy how much they all looked like B.B. King and they had a guitar, too. The middle of the yard where the object had crashed then vanished oh god dude you know killer impression was left in the soil okay where is this on your property these are my favorite police dispatcher initially wondered whether to send a crisis intervention team to that's demeaning they think he's crazy help the troubled witness but then took the incident seriously two officers arrived 38 minutes after the call too long if they're aliens dude everyone would have been zapped to high heaven

officers showed up after a donut and some coffee and took a fucking shit and then they went by then it heard from other officers they proceeded cautiously and managed some nervous laughs i ain't dealing with that. Some nervous, man. I ain't dealing with that. Dude. We got to add that to the most nervous laughs since I heard the fucking Jay-Z laugh. I ain't dealing with that.

That's a match, dude. God, this story's so boring, you know? Oh, dude, they just fucking saw Men in Black and went to sleep, you know? These fucking stupid assholes. Wow, I cannot. How is this on the fucking news? This is so stupid this is on the news. Hey, you know what?

I'm not ready to talk about aliens until you got the footage or you got scientific proof. And I do think there's aliens out there. But I don't want to hear all this bullshit. Oh, yeah, a guy in fucking Montecito saw a fucking thing and it was eight feet tall and they called some shit and then there was a fucking outline in the ground, you know. I heard its breath, dude. ...slowly past the house in the following days. Nellis and Creech have denied any interest or involvement with the incident.

Metro has indicated they believe the family that something crashed in their yard. But what? You mentioned, George, in that piece that they were frozen because so many people have been critical of like, why didn't get their phone out? Why didn't they show the video? Do we know if there's even any of this? Yes and no. So there is a surveillance camera in the backyard. Yeah, and let me guess. The owner keeps that because he's got a lot of experience. And let me guess. And let me guess. Oh, right, dude!

What the fuck is wrong? Dude, how is this on CBS News now? Oh my god, dude. So here's the deal, it didn't happen, everyone who fucking sees aliens, dude, let me get this straight,

you take your cell phone out to video every single aspect of your life, but somehow three of you didn't take your cell phones out, videotaped an alien crash in your backyard. Are they trying to put this out because this has 5.7 million views? Are they just doing this because they think, you know, we know it's not

true and it'll just get clicks? I mean, men in suits and sunglasses driving a car with government plates you know it's just fucking the guy saw men

the guy literally ate weed brownies watched Men in Black and fell asleep and then woke up and called that's what happened there figured it out next thank you figured it out next. Unbelievable. Let's look here. Deserve it scale.

What could go wrong? What could go wrong? What could go wrong carrying a TV on a motorbike? Well, oh, God. No. Oh, my God. They can't even see.

Oh, my God. It hit the top of the fucking thing couldn't even see oh there's someone in front of it okay dude why didn't they first of all why is there that thing even why is there a thing that you have to go under when it's just in the middle of nowhere that's there so nobody steals a fucking tv and holds it tall? That's so fucking hilarious that that thing is even there. There's just a chin-up bar in the middle of a parking lot

you got to drive through. Pretty good, actually, how well they did considering. That deserved scale is probably nine because they should have, they should have, they didn't get too hurt, it looks like, and then also they're wearing helmets,

so that's good, but also you're a fucking idiot for doing that. What? Oh, it don't work. The next one looks like it don't work. The one after that works? Oh, none of them work? Oh, the Reddit ones don't work.

Okay. Weird. Yeah, we got one. Oh, it's just Instagram that doesn't. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go what's this guy doing trying to jump the yep yeah dude fuck yeah that is a 10 that is a 10 let's watch it 10 you fucking idiot whoa dude guy tried to jump the fucking line what do you call those the the poles that separate the lines? This is a coffee bean and tea leaf or some shit.

No, is it coals? Whatever it is. I don't know what it is. The dude, first of all, let's look at this. Here we go again. All right. So first of all, only wearing socks, slippery floor. So that's the count is high.

You get three points for that. Trying to jump over this thing at count is high. You get three points for that. Trying to jump over this thing at all, you get at least two points for that. Being fucking doing it, the idea of actually executing it, three more points. This one, you get the number one. Didn't even jump at all, dude.

Jumped this high, dude. Jumped this high. Was fucking, literally the jump was shorter at when he was jumping than when he was just standing um the best part oh crash hit his face fuck yeah dude you deserve it all time 10 10 and was wearing a mask and doing it. 10. 100% 10. Fuck yeah, dude. Friend just videotaped it. Sucks. Guy deserved it 100%.

That was a 10. Here we go. Instagram. Fail army. Yeah, woman. Oh, God. She gonna hit the police. Oh, my God. No, she didn't. She just hit the... Instagram. Fail army. Oh no. Oh no.

The guy. Oh no, she's going to hit the police. And then does, man. Dude. Wait. Wait. Did we ever look at this video on this podcast? Top five videos I've ever seen.

And I just... I don't think we've ever looked at it. Oh, no. I shouldn't have woke her up driving. Hold on. Where is it? Please find it. Please find it.

This is so funny. Oh, no. Oh, it's called, oh, no. I shouldn't have. Please, dude. Do you know this one? Oh, dude, it's so funny. Please find it.

Here, here. Crash. here here crash cryo shindle me yeah god damn it I mean what are these videos coming up it's just crazy

um I mean the stupid filters video. All right. All right. Hold on. Guy tries to... This is the funniest fucking video. Guy tries to wake up driver and... That's it, dude. What is it called?

Shouldn't have... Got it. Hell yeah, dude. Bro? Have you seen this? Have you seen this? Oh, dude. Bro? Have you seen this? Have you seen this? Oh, dude. This is...

Let's watch this. Bro. I think this is top five videos of all time. He gets out of the car. Guy's sleeping on his car. Knocks on the window. This is great. Wakes up.

Car starts. It's the stop sign. So slowly. The guy's still recording. He goes off. Oh, shit. I see the welcome mat. Oh, shit. Get't have walked him off. Oh shit, dude. Oh no.

The guy says, oh shit, I shouldn't have walked him off. Dude, like a... Like, dude, try... Like, dude, all he wanted to do was... This is why you don't want to help nobody. Like, dude, all he wanted to do was help. This is why you don't want to help nobody, dude. Oh, my God, dude. Oh, my God.

The fucking way this is played out. Dude, I swear to God, this is best picture. Whatever year this was, it was best picture. Oh, my God, dude. This is the funniest thing I've ever seen. Dude, he gets out of the car and then films the whole thing quietly. And then when the guy hits the light, the lamppost, and goes slightly over the embankment, he's like, oh, no, I shouldn't have walked out. Like, it's his fault.

Bro, this guy's so drunk, you know? I mean, could have killed someone. Just goes across traffic. We gotta watch this again. Holy fuck, this is funny. The bus just... Just narrowly missing the bus. Hits the stop sign. I mean, how is this guy recording not saying a word right now

and then still not saying shit oh shit i said the one come on oh shit you done fucked up. I was just, oh, shit. You done fucked up. Oh, fuck. That one's so funny. I think that's top five. So it's the fucking, it's, so these are the top five.

See, now it's locked in place. That one. The, oh, shit. I shouldn't have woke him up. Chocolate croissants. The tech TV one. Yeah, I don't know if that, that might be top five. Oh, it just got me. A piece of that't know if that that might be top five oh it just got me a piece of that just got me that might be top five yeah and then the tech tv one you

you know that one right okay dude those are the top five i think see now it's locked in place oh shit i shouldn't have woke him up that's's so good, dude. That's it for the episode on YouTube. If you want to catch the Raw, the Uncut, the extra episode on Patreon, then go for it. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And it is $6 and you get all the backlogged episodes. That's only on Patreon-only episodes and all that. But yeah, thanks a lot. Leave a comment.

Thanks, guys.