Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 323. All We Do Is Spread Misinformation

Episode Date: June 29, 2023

😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris has tales from the road in Pueblo, CO and Colorado Springs. Plus thoughts on the Oceangate disaster, Lana Del Rey's lateness, and we check in on our beloved DJ Khaled. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, what's up guys? And, uh, I will be in Vegas. I will be in Charlotte. I will be in Knoxville. Um, I've got a bunch of dates coming up, going over to crystalia.com to check that out. Um, it's going to be a rip roaring good time and the don't push me tour. Uh, I'll also be in little rock, Arkansas Nashville, I've got Canada coming up Pittsburgh, Detroit, Orlando Fort Myers Richmond, Virginia, I'm going to a lot of different places Philadelphia

so go to chrisley.com and get those tickets we've got the also the pocket stay deep collection, they come with little diving boards on the pocket of the shirt and the pants. So a little wink for you guys there. You know what I mean?

And then also we've got the Grow or Die merch up live now. Selling like hotcakes. So without further ado, let's go to the new episode of Congratulations. about how I do legs. Legs is my thing, dude. My trunk's going to get real strong. I'll tell you, I know a lot of guys go in there and they do chest, you know, and they try to get their back all nice. And yeah, look, I'm all about pulling and I'm all about squatting and, you know, I'm doing the deadlifts. But, dude, you're going to see me this summer, dude. I know it's already the summer, but you're going to see me in a month or two and I'm going to be fucking rumpled still skin. I swear to God, my shit's going to pop out. Um, but yeah, dude, so, uh, I, I feel really good. Uh, I went to, uh, where did I go? Uh, last weekend I went to Colorado Springs. Oh, and Pueblo, dude, I'm going to actually post this on, uh, not this channel, but my other channel,

Chris D'Elia, my Chris D'Elia channel. Go on over and subscribe to that. By the way, subscribe here. Make sure you're subscribed. And like the video and leave a comment. But what do you call it? I'm going to post the video because I did this show in Pueblo, Colorado, which I didn't even know about it. I didn't know about that this was a place. Okay? I didn't even know about it. I didn't know about that this was a place, okay? And it's so not even necessarily a place that I went to Colorado Springs to do a show. I was supposed to do Pueblo and then Colorado Springs, and I went to Colorado Springs from the Denver airport.

I flew in, flew into the Denver airport, and I went to Colorado Springs and stayed there and drove to Pueblo to do the Pueblo show and came back to do the Colorado Springs show. So I stayed in Colorado Springs only. And the reason why I did that is because Pueblo is gang related and that's okay, but it's got a lot of, you know, gang activity there. And I didn't know this, but my tour manager wanted to do Pueblo just to try it. You know, it's summer. It's not really a time that people like perform or comedians really are on the road, but I'm like, let's do it. I want to get out there. I kind of want to go to these weird places. I like going to these weird places. I like going to these places where maybe comedians don't go to, right? And so I went to go to do the Pueblo show with the crew, and, you know, look, yeah, sure, of course,

the city's dog shit, but whatever, it doesn't matter, right, we still go there, we play for it, right, I've been to Albuquerque before, okay, and this was not a far cry from Albuquerque, and whatever, I make fun, I make light of the situation, i know the they say that the city's on the come up although i said that to actually let me tell the story first um i go to pueblo and we get there and uh it first of all there was supposed there were people going on and on about how there was going to be a protest for chris leah coming to pueblo dude oh dude two people showed up man they tried to organize it so hard two people showed up man and then uh just a thousand people walked by him you know it's just so ridiculous that these people just want to have a good time these people just want to have a good time and people, it's just so ridiculous that these people just want to have a good time. These people just want to have a good time. And people think it's their business to protest, which it is.

I guess we live in America. You do whatever you want. So I was making fun of that situation on stage, and I'm going to post it on my channel on YouTube. But it's great, dude. It's hilarious that people are protesting because they want – like people just want to have a good time and laugh. And, dude, if you Google Pueblo, Colorado, it's in the top 10 most crime ridden cities and worst decrepit cities in America. Just and everyone just wants to come have a good time and literally laugh. And there's two people outside.

They're just like, no. What a crazy, crazy world we live in dude it's so crazy um so yeah everybody walked by those people and then and then those people immediately went home they started off across the street like like and then they walked over because they were feeling and dude we made sure to tell the security make sure nobody like is shitty the protesters because we didn't want anything bad to happen um to the protesters because you know people think that like i we were just like dude you know hey guys make sure that they're that nothing happens to the actual protesters, which is what we made sure to have happen because that's the last thing we want. But it was very funny that everyone just

walked by. And then I was on stage and I was making fun of that, roasting them and everyone was laughing and they didn't even get to fucking hear it which is really too bad but um uh i was on stage and i did started doing my act about 30 minutes in i'm like this is pueblo it's go it's going i'm i'm doing well i'm having a good time on stage you know um and i just decide to dip into the crowd and start talking into the crowd because some guys out there just literally in the in the middle of the um of the uh uh uh crowd and he's going like this like like the least gangster place to be at is having a good seat in a comedy show you know so i'm like bro what's going on you know i So I'm like, bro, what's going on? I'm going to put the video.

I said, what's going on? He's like, are you a gangster? And he was like, yeah. And I asked him, I did a bunch of crowd work with him. It's like 30 minutes long. I'm going to put it on my YouTube. But it was a just, it was very fun. I was making fun of them.

I didn't do my act for the rest of the 30 minutes i did an hour on stage whatever so i did 30 minutes material than 30 minutes of that and um and uh it was so uh it was just then people were like hitting me up afterwards like man sorry about my shit my city these people fucking suck and i didn't even really i was having a good time it's been a while since i've done some crowd work and shit. But I was looking over because I was like, I was talking shit about how the city is so violent. I mean, it had 30 homicides last year. And it has 100,000 people there.

Like, that's so bad. 30 people got fucking homicide against them. And there's 100,000 people in Pueblo. So I looked over. There were two cops, like, just because it was a rag, because it's Pueblo. There were two cops on the side of the stage. And I look over to them as I'm roasting the city. And they're fucking laughing.

Like, I see their shiny badges just up and down laughing. And I'm like, hell yeah, that's so fucking awesome. I get off stage and then I walk over to the cops are there and I walk over and I say, uh, Hey, uh, they were laughing. They're like, man, you did a great job. He was like, you sure? He's like, you sure did your research on this city? And I was like, oh, that's hilarious. Yeah. No, there were 30 homicides last year. And he said, I know. And what's crazy is we're homicide detectives. And I was like, you are? And he was like, yeah, there were 30 homicides last year. And I said, well, I hear that the place is kind of on the come up and it's kind of like being gentrified. And they laughed and they were like, no, dude. It was great.

It was great. It was a great time. I made it a great time, you know, but then the, um, the sound guy or the, uh, light guy came up to my videographer and he was like, Sam, I came up to Sam and he was like, man, I didn't know. I thought, you know, I've seen comedians. I thought Chris was going to buckle, you know, because they were starting to yell out and shit. And I'm like, bro, that's just not going to happen. And he was like, yeah, like fucking two comedians came last month or something.

And they just ate plates of shit. He told me who they were. I'm not going to mention who they were. But yeah, dude, that's not, I'm not going to mention who they were, but yeah, dude, uh, that's not, I'm not standing for that. I will, I will,

I will not stand for that. So we had a great show. It was fun. Very fun. Um, and I got on a plane. Well, actually on the way there,

um, he, there were two, there was a guy who was sitting down already and then another guy walked over with his daughter and a little like she was like maybe not even two and this man walked up to the guy and said hey um i think you're in my seat and the guy said oh i'm not and i just go i just in my head i go here we go here we go somebody's wrong don't you love it when an argument starts and it's like okay clear

cut somebody's fucking wrong and i i just can't wait because i can't wait to see who it is right it's not like hey dude the vaccines don't you know don't really help well they do because of this and a while did you hear about this and this and this and then you leave and you're like i wonder if those vaccines honestly if they help or not you know it's not like dude i think Mets are going all the way this year. And they're like, oh, yeah? Well, what about the Pittsburgh Pirates? Because this and this and this.

And then you leave thinking, I wonder if it's going to be the Mets or the Pittsburgh Pirates or maybe it would be someone else. This is clear cut. The guy walks up and says, hey, you're in my seat, sir. And the guy says, no, this is my seat. So I just, I'm ready. And he says, well, I'm in

I'm in one what was it? I'm in one C. And the guy says, well, where's seat B? And the guy says, I don't know, but you're in my seat. And he says, is this seat B?

And the guy says, no, it's C. And the guy says, where's B? And the guy says, I don't know, but you're in my seat. And then another guy next to me gets up, walks over to them and says, hey, sir, you're in the wrong seat. He says, you're in the wrong seat. You need to be nice. to be nice. The guy next to me gets up, walks a full like call row or whatever, like two up and says, Hey sir, you're in the wrong seat. You need to be nice. And the guy says, well, where's seat B? And the guy says, I don't know, man. And he says, you're not listening to me. And he says, I don't know

where seat D is. Okay. So he thinks he's saying D the whole time. And the guy has got a, by the way, the guy in the seat has a mask on. So he pulls his mask out. He says, you're not understanding me. Where is seat B or whatever the fuck it was between B and D. And he says, I guess it's over there, but this is seat C. And then he gets up and moves the seat. And the guy next to me comes back to me and say, and I, cause I'm so curious at this point, like, why is this guy getting involved?

And I said, Oh, did you have like an altercation with that guy earlier or something? Cause like, that's what it was like. It was like, okay, I'm mad about something else.

And this guy's still acting up, even though it's not to me, I'm going to say something. And he comes and he sits down next to me and I say, oh, did you have a thing with that guy earlier or something? He says, no, he's just being a jerk. Dude. And I said, oh, okay. I don't know what it is about the airport and airplanes. It's just people are like, okay, so here's what's going on. I'm going to be a big dickhead and or put people in their place immediately, like way too soon. And also, I'm going to only be wearing socks. That's, I don't understand what is wrong with people when they go to the airport.

It's like people walk into the airport and they think like, all right, let's see how we doing this. All right. Sup? That's what people walk into the airport like. Sup? How are we going to do this? Who's ruining my day and how can i tell him it's so weird i i try to chill as hard as i can on the airport at the airplane or the airport because like i'm like it's just not i'm not i i first of all last thing i could you know it's like fucking tweets out oh chris d'alia was a piece of shit at the airport but also like i just i don't i don't know this my whole attitude is this sucks we're gonna get there it's gonna suck if you suck you're not even really adding to the suckiness this already sucks you know we're too close to each other i you know the, anytime someone will bring food

out, it's gonna smell like, like somebody literally put fucking Bojangles chicken just right in my nostril, so, yeah, dude, it was great, it was so funny, though, how ready that guy next to me was just to get involved. We stayed in Colorado Springs. And, you know, Colorado Springs is a good – the tour report would probably be cool. But the Colorado Springs is really bitchin', dare I say. It's got beautiful mountains. We took those scooters all over the place. And I was with Denny and Lulu and Sam and David and Enrique. And it was just like the first day there was a uh

car show which had like crazy old cars and new cars and shit and that was pretty cool then the second day there was just like a cookout on the block like people were just cooking burgers on like a street in in a main street and like there were like people just dancing i didn't really understand it was like you fall asleep and dream about the city you just went to and you're like oh you had a dream where they were like cooking burgers on the main street there just outside um so many rainbow flags like super gayed up there in colorado springs honestly colorado's pretty gayed up and that's fine. Uh, but they are pretty gayed up. Like if you're not gay, they go like, you should be gay. And, um, we went to the,

we just, we, we were driving by these scooters and we go by this club 32, it's called club 32. And this woman is out there. I mean, she's got to be in her 50s. Bleach blonde hair, the owner of it. I can't find out, but she's like, hey, what are you guys doing? Come on in. And it's like two. And we're like, huh?

Nobody's on the street. Everything's closed. Come on in. You guys, where are you guys from? We're like LA. Oh, great. Come on in. And I'm like, does she know who i am or what come on

in we're just hanging out we walk in she takes us up hey it's good to see you guys walk up there's this place is huge it's enormous and it's called club 32 and it is uh the lights are still going it's closed and there's five people there and two bartenders. And five people that are like 60. So I'm like, but this is a place where like 20-something-year-olds go to. So I'm like, what is this? She's like, can I get you guys drinks? Okay.

We get club soda and all that shit. She's like like what are you guys doing in town like we're working and she's like oh yeah what do you do like oh we do we do stand up and she was like uh oh oh wait you have a show and he's like yeah the dj's there it's so loud he's just like yeah yeah welcome to club 32 it's just five of us. All right, all right. We got Ludacris coming up. Just playing music. Good music, I thought. And so, you know, 30 minutes go by, and I'm like, what the fuck is going on? What are we doing, you know?

And I'll be damned if I didn't say we went for fucking. We stayed in Colorado Springs three nights. We went every fucking night to that club. And it was a strange mix of fun and not fun. And I will tell you, we went to, we went to the Club 32 and a bunch of them came to my show the next night.

Not that lady, but like a bunch of the bartenders and the DJ. And as soon as we got to the club afterwards, it was like, fucking Chris D'Elia is here. Everyone shout out for fucking Chris D'Elia. Chris D'Elia is a comedian. Fuck yeah, he's here. And after that, he says, and we got a celebrity in the house. And I'm like, he just did me.

Who else is here? And he says, give it up for old dirty bastard son. Old dirty bastard, young dirty bastard. And I look and sure enough, it looks like fucking old Dirty Bastard's son, who I guess goes by Young Dirty Bastard, I don't know, does he, are you looking it up now, does it go by that, or no, anyway, he called him Young Dirty Bastard, and he was just out there just fucking chilling, I was like, oh, I got two fucking, he goes by that, wow, so you got two celebrities here, Chris Lee and Young Dirty Bastard, wow, pretty cool, I guess he raps, I don't know, but dude,

and then we went to eat, and we left, and David, we had a waitress there and David. Was taken like dilly dallying coming out, we got on the scooters and David's like, hey, Sam, to my cameraman, he's like, for no reason, Sam did not tell him to do this, but he was like, Hey, you, uh, I got that girl's number for you. And he was like, who? And he was like the waitress. I told her, you, I told her you liked her. And Sam's like, really? And he's like, yeah, she wants you to text her. And he was like, Oh, okay. He said, she said, go to these bars. And he says, uh, she she says you'll really like the bar icon and i was like oh how does she know he's like i just she thought you'd like it she's like all right she's like let's drive by icon we go to icon dude it is not only have rainbow windows it is the gayest place dude the! The fucking, no bullshit, the security guy was literally like, like this, like with a clipboard, like waiting.

And dude, we were laughing like, oh dude, not that there's anything wrong with it, but dude, she's singing to a gay guy! Dude, she didn't even know him, dude! She got him, dude. She got him, she got him dude um but it was literally couldn't have been gayer so Sam I guess you know is gay according to her

um big practical joke on us we just drove around on scooters really enough about the fucking weekend. You can watch your tour report, though. I woke up one morning and like probably 6 a.m. And I can't remember

the last time this happened, but have you, when's the last time you woke up and you're, like one of your limbs was numb, okay? That's happened to me a bunch of times in my life, obviously, as it has you. I woke up and one of your limbs was numb, okay? That's happened to me a bunch of times in my life, obviously, as it has you. I woke up and it was so numb.

Dude, how come every time it happens, when you wake up and your arm's numb, every time you wake up, you just think, this is it, it's not going to come back. It's not coming back. Not this one. Dude, and it's so heavy and so big feeling. And it's so fucking numb.

I don't even like feeling it. And I'm trying so hard to fucking grip something. And I can't. It's just flopping around like it's my dick. And dude, it was so numb that I resigned to the fact immediately that it was not coming back. And it took so long. And I was like, what am I going to do? How's my life going to be?

Like just in Colorado Springs, wake up at 6 a.m. How's my life going to be? I guess it could be okay. I can hold the microphone with this hand. And then slowly but surely it came back. And then I laid back down and went back to sleep bro like the fact that all of that happened in the middle of my sleep and then also I wasn't saying a word like I was so tired and then went back to sleep and I haven't told fucking a soul about it until now is hilarious. Like I was so stressed out,

didn't utter a word and just waited and prayed to the gods that my fucking arm would come back and it did. How about this fucking Lana Del Rey thing? I guess she was, you know what I don't get musicians and i

thought that kind of rappers just did this but like musicians that are so late to perform like i've never started my show more than 20 minutes late and even i don't even think i've started more than it's been always less than 20. Unless, no, even when there was, I've never done that. I've never done it more than that. But Lana Del Rey, I guess, got on stage so, so late. It was, she was supposed to do like a 40-minute set. Got on stage at 11.45, and there was a hard curfew at midnight. Like some places are either state owned or, you know, just you can't go over 12 midnight

because of a certain law. And they cut her mic at 1145, or I'm sorry, at 12. So she did 15 minutes and everyone fucking lit her up because they were like, we paid for this fucking for your concert. Bro, imagine people came to see me

and I did 15 minutes and that was it. mean i do a full hour at least but like so not worth it it's also even doing 35 minutes it's like these ticket prices are so high what what what um place was it you know it was a music festival and she was supposed to go on oh right glastonbury yeah and the reason she gave on stage was that she was late is because my hair takes so long oh dude she's my wife oh dude she's my wife what dude honey are you lana del rey dude i had no idea she's my wife that's crazy i'm married to lana del rey um look lana del rey late for glastonbury set my hair takes so long to do glastonbury um

Glastonbury Wow Oh my god dude That's so Man I tell It's a female you know Like just Start earlier I don't understand it

This is like the bane of married guys existences too Like dude I fucking sometimes lie. Don't tell my wife. I sometimes lie and tell her we got to fucking be ready 15 minutes earlier. Do you guys do that? Are you like me? Don't tell her though. Because one time she was like, did you lie and do we actually have to go at 7?

And I was like, what? No. She was like, okay. It's 6.50. She's still. And I'm just like, no. And I want to be like, yeah, I did. See, because look.

Because look what happened. We're late right now, aren't we? Isn't that true? Right? So I did the, what I do. Can we say it with me? The right thing. One, two, three, the right thing.

Thank you very much. You didn't say it, but. Dude, I tell her, I'm going to start telling her a full half hour. It doesn't matter what I tell her. I can tell her a whole hour. She'll know. She'll know and it will still happen. Hey, sorry we're late, but you know, that's me every time.

I want to be like, sorry we're late, but you know, dude, I got Alana Del Rey over here. Right? Her hair takes so long and shit and every guy is always well why don't you start earlier you don't understand there's a lot to because women will be like there's a lot to there's a lot and we also and then if they have a baby they're like because of the kids and if they don't they're just like it's just distressful because of the

the way society and you're like oh, just don't wear makeup then. I love you without makeup. You don't understand the pressure, okay? You know what? I don't know. You know what? I don't understand the pressure. I understand the pressure of, we got to be there on time. How about that pressure, though? And her, she acts like the grace period. Well, there's a grace period. When she fully doesn't know, right? I guess that's like a known thing at like restaurants. There's a grace, dude, she was late to the fucking dry bar the other day to blow her hair out. She was 15 minutes late.

And they don't give a fuck, dude. Dry bars are like Nazis. I swear to God. You got to get there. You got to like there it's like school like when you get there and you're late and you're like you're late and you're like yeah but there was a line and they were like what are you gonna say at work though

what are you gonna say at work when it happens in real life sit down that's what they would always do at my high school and shit but she was like 10 minutes no 15 minutes late to the dry bar and she called me and she was like can you, no, 15 minutes late to the dry bar. And she called me and she was like, can you believe? And I'm already like, well, I got to say I can't believe it.

You know, like I can't, like I can't. By the way, I already believe it. And I don't even know what she's going to say. But she's like, can you believe? I was 15 minutes late and I was there and I was looking for parking. There was no parking. And I go, oh, I see where this is going. And she says, and there was a line. Okay. And I was in the place probably 10 minutes late, but then the line took like five minutes. And then, and I got there and they were like, like, sorry, you're here too late.

And I was like, oh, what about the grace period? And they said, well, we don't do it anymore. They're fucking Nazis over there, I swear to God, for real, at Dry Bar. They're just like, you are 30 minutes late. We have no grace period. Sit there. Sit in that chair right there. It's electric.

Ha, ha, ha. Stand right there against that pole. There we go. Nobody will be late here at Dry Bar. We turn up. If you are, we turn up the blow dryers extra hot. We burn your scalp. We take it off.

We make lamps out of it. Lampshades. So, she says, can you believe it? They didn't. And then the lady was like so shitty about it. My wife is the sweetest person. She's the kind of woman that if somebody's shitty to her, it's them. She's like the sweetest person.

She never wants any confrontation or altercation. She just like, if she comes back and she's like, this person was a dick, I know they were a dick. just like if she comes back and she's like this person was a dick I know they were a dick okay so she's like and I waited in line for like eight minutes and they were like trying to say I was too late and I was like I was in line and she was like well you have to be here earlier you got to make sure you're not in the line she was like but people are here waiting what's the difference if I do it she's like can't do it so she drove back and in my head while I'm on the phone I'm like I'm like oh that sucks but in my head I'm like you on the phone, I'm like, oh, that sucks. But in my head, I'm like, you're right. You got to learn somehow, don't you?

This is, do you know what this is? This is real life. You know what's not behind? You know what's not behind that fucking little clerk's desk? You know what's not behind that? A husband that can get in trouble if he yells. Right? You know what's not behind that?

Little fucking iPad that you got to sign and tip, right? You know what's not behind that? Little fucking iPad that you got to sign and tip, right? You know what's not behind that? A significant other that if he yells too much, it's going to make you cry, and then they're going to feel bad about it. They don't give a fuck. They want you to feel bad. That's customer service. Customer service doesn't give a fuck because nobody likes their job, and that's fine. It's hard enough to get a job. Get a job. Obviously, disgruntled. I mean, I've called customer service. Oh, really?

You don't care. Well, I'm going to air it out of my podcast. And she said, that's good. I don't give a fuck. And hung up. That happened. So customer service doesn't give a fuck, dude. But Drybar is a great company, honestly.

Who knew that you could make a fucking company blow drying women's hair? They were probably laughing at that. Who's the lady? I forget. Allie something. She was on Shark Tank. Dude. And she just was like, I'm going to blow.

I'll do it. And I go, no, that's not going to work. Boom, dude. Anyway, dude, don't start your sets late, man. The sub-disaster is just... Obviously, I got to talk about this. I got to talk about this because of how it's very obvious that it's the number one thing everyone's talking about. I don't...

I think I found out it was happening last podcast, but this time it's like, okay, now I kind of know what happened. These guys, four guys, went down in a tin can that was not big. They went – they didn't – I don't even think they had shoes on. Like I think they were like, we're not wearing shoes. Like it was very haphazard. They got warnings not to go. They were billionaires, of course, because they thought they were God and that's fine.

There was not a real toilet. They had to like shit on the outs, on the inside. And then I guess they released it somehow into the water. I don't, I don't know, honestly. But they were like, hey, the glass is good for 2,000 feet of pressure. And the Titanic is 4,000 feet down there. So it broke. It concaved.

It fucking, everyone died immediately you know shit came out of their head their eyeballs came out of their anus whatever it was it was terrible and they all did it because they had a lot of money and they wanted to go near that which by the way it had one window they wanted to go down to see the submarine the titanic they didn't even fucking go to get to like it's like it was 250 000 not worth it of course to them they're billionaires doesn't matter one of the guys took his son who didn't want to go but it was father's day super sad um there's all this stuff that you know they got warnings and not to go went died and um hey everybody

chill the fuck out about it huh don't be dicks it's so sad this happened and people are literally like yeah these fucking piece of shit rich billionaires fuck them hey they died

that's so sad people don't give a fuck online yeah should they have not gone right yes they definitely should not have gone they wound up just like the titanic they fucking sank and died and it sucks you know they didn't even get to see leonardo caprio's body and it's sad and that's it it, and all these jokes, the people were the quickest to write these jokes, they're so, they're so, I can't stand comics, the thing that happens, and they gotta do it immediately, they're so fucking, they're so, like, it's so awful that, oh, this is funny, I'm gonna joke about it immediately, it's just like, dude, have some fucking, I don't even know if respect is the right word, but like for a joke to get a fucking retweet?

And not just comics do it. Everybody does it. Well, not everybody, but a lot of people do it. And it was so sad, dude. And I just, I'm like, God, I think about this shit differently now that I have a family of my own, you know? I mean, could you think of anything more sad? All over the news.

And it's crazy, too. And I'm not woke, and I fucking hate woke people. But, like, a ship sank the next day or something with, like, 500 immigrants. And I didn't even know about it until somebody told me. And I'm just like, wow, the media, dude. Yeah. How about the fucking flash?

People are like, oh yeah, people are like, the CGI is really bad. And they were like, oh yeah, no, we meant to. That's the best. They said, people are like, wow, some of the worst CGI I ever saw. And they're like, oh, we meant to. The guy was like, well, we were meant to because we wanted to fucking, because it was through the flash's head. It was through his eyes and he was imagining it bad.

It's not. We got to go. We've been on this DJ Khaled train So we might as well This guy won't stop I call her chandelier Khaled what's that on your wrist I call her chandelier Khaled Khaled What's on your wrist I mean, cut already, you know, the worst cut. I call her chandelier. What's the fucking what in tarnation voice that he always does, dude?

He's really holding on to that one. Do you see the cappuccino one? It's a cappuccino. I call it cappuccino. My friend said that to me. Let me find it. It's right here. Here it is. Right here.

Come on. That Maybach is fucking... I don't say this, but it's fucking sick. So much setup. Got right into it so quickly. I call this cappuccino. Got right into it so quickly. It looks just like a cappuccino. It has a cappuccino. I call it cappuccino.

Okay, dude. So the car is a cappuccino color, I guess. It's like brownish tan, whatever. And then he also has a cappuccino. And so I obviously want to make this video. So here we go. He keeps going. You know what I'm saying?

Yep. Cappuccino, like you say, it got to feel like Al Pacino. Tell him to bring out the cappuccino. I mean, it's got to feel like Al Pacino for no reason he said that. It's a cure. Tell him to bring out the cappuccino. Dude, this guy is awesome. Pointing to his shoes because they're the same color as the...

Reading himself a magazine with him on the cover. Not saying shit now. Oh, this guy's on another level. Tell him to bring out the cappuccino! Call it the chandelierier never calls things what they actually are just going to invent a different language the guy's a marketing genius honestly when he would when he did the thing like they don't want us to that's the he is a genius this guy

and i'm super mad about it i'm a hater no. No, we love him. I make a lot of fun, but anybody who finds their bag, honestly, that's it. They did it. No, hey. I want to talk about that, but hold hold on I want to look at this first oh dude oh this is so funny bro I don't even understand how this can be real but it is this is so funny this went viral a little bit ago and I thought I saw it and then i was and

then i was like why didn't i ever talk about this on a plane and you want to talk to me about being okay okay because you're young so is the baby dude Dude, just logic all out the window. That is so great. How did this guy be alive this long? You know what I'm saying? He just, he's 50? So is the baby. Sir, you're yelling.

Dude, I hope the guy doesn't have kids. You can't stop a baby from yelling it's a baby you know baby yeah did that motherfucker pay actually yeah it didn't pay shit first of all first of all pay shit. First of all, first of all, babies fly free. Second of all, doesn't have a wallet. It's a baby. Does this guy not understand what a baby is? What if it wasn't a baby?

And they were just, and it's just a guy with a mustache. And he was just like, ah, just crying the whole time. Oh, so good, dude. Someone says, shut up. He says, fuck you and shut up. Oh, this guy is beyond the, the brain just broke and it's beyond. And he's just like, well, there's no turning back. You know what I'm saying? Like I already did the thing. And he's like, here come here come more things he so doesn't give a fuck you know it's so funny when you don't give a fuck that much you give a fuck so much Okay. Fuck. Look at that baby's voice. He's an asshole. Okay. He's an asshole. He's a grown ass man. It's all good.

We'll have. I'm sorry. It's a fucking ice cream. I'm sorry. I'm tripping. Fuck that baby. I know. Look at the baby.

Bro. The guy is so mad at someone who's not even one. We are in. We are in a fucking tin can with a baby in a goddamn echo chamber. Here it is right here. You want to talk to me about being fucking okay? Here we go. So is the baby. And there it is.

On fucking, the way he hit it so hard, like, here comes my point that's going to be absolutely something you can't come back from. I don't understand, even. This is crazy. So is the baby singing it. It's so weird. Um.

Hold on. The neck hump. I'm a Cairo. I'll show you how to fix it take a towel like this and roll it up find a place right at the base of your how could you be so off this is a doctor, I see so many chiropractic videos on fucking Twitter or what is it? TikTok. It's unbelievable. Dude, I don't want to go to chiropractors, man. I went once and guess what? It doesn't do.

Feel that good. Yay. He said it. Yay. Dude, they go, hold this. I go, just cracking all over the fucking place. yay he said it yay dude they go hold this i go just cracking all over the fucking place and then they go 65 bucks or whatever it is i don't remember and then you leave and they're like how do you feel and you are like wow it's great but really

all you did was hear a bunch of sounds dude and then you go on Tik TOK and these motherfuckers, there's one guy who does it to like chickens. I swear to God. He's just like, they call it farm hands or like, Hey, my, my chicken's different. He's like, all right, let me take a, here we go. You hear that? And it's just too much, dude. Um, and I never feel any different. And I just, it's feels like it's not, dude, I don't want to do anything. This is why I haven't gotten laser eye surgery, which I think I need to get at some point. But like anytime you, like a millimeter difference can fucking ruin you. No, I'm not going to do it.

No, thanks, dude. Oh, hey, maybe I'll get some sort of uh uh what do they call it a placebo effect that makes me feel like my back is better for nine minutes or maybe i'll never walk again no thanks you know what i'm saying or may okay yeah maybe i will trick myself into making the left side of my body feel a little less tense or perhaps the last time I went to the fucking toilet is the last time I'll go to the toilet because now I'll just be shitting and pissing my pants for the rest of my life now I'll need a bag to catch it like just it's crazy dude and when they do the one where

they just they go to the top of your head and you're laying down and they just fucking and pull it or they pull your legs even worse. They tie up your thing. They tie up your head and then they, they pull the legs and everyone's just like, oh yeah. And then they get the guy that cries or the woman that's like, oh my God, so much relief. Now you're just scared because you almost died. You're just a St. Peter for a split second. He goes, oh, never mind. Sorry, I thought you just got hit by a train.

My bad. Go ahead back to Earth. Then there's this guy. I'm a Cairo. I'll show you how to fix it. Take a towel like this. So off. And roll it up.

Find a place right at the base of your neck. So? With a bone right there. Just talking. Take the towel and put it right there. So bad. Lie on your back and stretch out like this. Oh.

Hold for four minutes. I'm a Cairo. I mean mean Lying Said it too much dude This is a Fucking banger dude I'm going as a chiropractor Are you the rapper? I walk in

I'm sorry That's for real Just as good as hip hop nowadays This guy's killing it I'm a Cairo. I'll show you how to fix it. Take a towel like this and roll it up. Okay, now it's off.

Find a place right at the base of your neck with the bone right there. They're talking. Take the towel and put it right there. Lie on your back and stretch out like this. And hold for four minutes. I'm a Cairo. I mean, not even something. Basically just say lay on a fucking towel.

Also, was he Australian or not, you know? I'm a Cairo. I'm a Cairo. Who fucking made him do that? Oh, God. What is this shit? Patreon.com slash Crystalia. You get the full extended.

Thing. Did you guys hear about this? This was crazy to me. I tried to bring it bring up in the text chain but everyone was against me um toronto blue jays fire well okay this is all pretty wacky but the the Toronto Blue Jays dropped pitcher Anthony Bass for anti-LGBTQ comments. Now, I don't know. So when you read that, you think, okay, he hates gays and trans people. That's what you think maybe. But if you're a little bit smarter, you'll be like, oh, wait a second. The media acts like you're anti-LGBTQ if somebody tells you, hey, I'm trans, and you go, oh. They act like because you do that, 900 trans people are going to get hit by a car,

right? Like if you're just not totally like when someone says, hey, I'm trans. If you don't go, give me a T and have five people behind you. T, give me an R. R. Oh, trans. Like if you don't do that, you're perpetuating genocide. Do you know what I'm saying? Like that's what the media acts like. If you don't literally carry around a fucking rainbow flag in Los Angeles, if you live here for at least two hours a day during pride month, you're the reason that trans people are dying. So that's what the media says. And this is by CNN, which is woke fucking central, but let's read it. All these fucking news outlets suck

fucking huge balls and dick. The Toronto Blue Jays have designated pitcher Anthony Bass. This is where you come to the news from, by the way, me, dude. We hit it hard. Anthony Bass for assignment following and so what did he share? I don't even know. The move comes hours before from, by the way, me, dude. We hit it hard. Anthony Bass for assignment following.

So what did he share? I don't even know. The move comes hours before the Blue Jays' first game of Pride weekend. There we go. And the team, see, this is the thing. So Blue Jays' general manager. So I know kind of what happened a little bit. Apparently, he's like the best pitcher on the team, too. And apparently he's like the best pitcher on the team too. Um,

and Bass shared an Instagram post that called for anti LGBTQ boycotts of target. Oh, that's what he did. Right? So this wasn't even something that he was saying, right?

Um, he posted, well, maybe it was, but he posted that there should be boycotts of target and bud light because target sells uh sexual underwear for children which is fucking batshit crazy to me and then bud light uh which i don't really give a shit about but they just have that crazy dylan mulvaney saying i'm a woman and drink blood light, which I don't care about

at all because I don't give a fuck. I don't drink beer. And also I don't care that much. And it doesn't affect me in the least. Um, but the LGBTQ community, uh, okay. So he called it evil. The post said it was evil and demonic, which is a real buzzword for this. Like anytime someone says something about like,

there are people who are too far right that when somebody says somebody is trans that they think, well, that's the devil in them. And it's just like, okay, but there's no devil. So what do you, don't be so ridiculous. Anyway, so the people, the woke mob took to the, you know, I guess it was Twitter and mostly Twitter probably. And they basically forced, quote unquote, the organization, the Blue Jays organization

to tell Anthony Bass to apologize for the thing. So he did. And. Then also, it's Toronto, Jesus, so woke. So then. He got fired anyway, because it's never good enough for the woke. It's never fucking good enough for the far left. it's never good enough for the woke it's never fucking good enough for the far left it's never good enough hey apologize okay sorry oh you're gonna fucking let this guy still have his job they want make no mistake the woke people are the biggest hey don't bully us but the biggest bullies this is, they are not happy until you end your life. This is just the truth. This is the only power they have.

And it works when it comes to corporations, case in point, Toronto Blue Jays. But yeah, this guy was a pitcher and apparently he was like kind of the best on the team and they just got rid of him

because he posted something on his private TikTok, on his private Instagram, not in uniform. Now, let's rewind all the way to, and I'll definitely get into some hot water here, but I don't actually give a fuck at this point. What's his name? Kaepernick, right? Kneeled, knelt before the game in uniform during business hours, okay? the woke people, meaning the media, said how crazy it is that they'd have a problem with this, he should be able to do this, and people should be able to stand for what they need to stand for. Now, I am not saying I agree with Anthony Bass. I am not saying I agree with Colin Kaepernick.

I'm not saying I disagree with them. What I am saying is if you are somebody who wants to advocate for free speech, it's got to be all of it. It's got to be all of it. And guess what? That's going to fucking suck sometimes for you because people are going to say shit you don't agree with. Do I think that trans people have the devil in them? No, I don't. Okay? But I guess people are going to have to say that. And some people are going to have jobs that say that. And then when they say that, you got to just go like this. Wow, that person, it sucks. They're crazy.

But because of that, he can't throw a ball? What the fuck does that have to do with anything? It is such a crazy fucking time we live in, and now I walk around just to spite everyone. I think Anthony Bass is the greatest pitcher I've ever lived. He can strike out anybody. If he was around during Babe Ruth times Babe Ruth wouldn't have got that many home runs Neither would Mickey Mantle, neither would Roger Ramirez

Neither would Barry Bonds I do think though that it's crazy What he was saying about how They have the devil in them Because they don't, but whatever Free speech is kind of a thing You know what, I go back and forth on I do believe in it because I'm a comedian, but also like, I don't know, there's a fine line

on what hate speech is. I just don't like when people act like because you are some guy that's just like passively saying your beliefs that you're the reason why people fucking die, because that's not true. Silence is a violence. Violence is violence. We've said that a bunch on on this podcast before. And that's that. I also should say that because here's the other thing, too. I had a buddy who got kicked off of Instagram because he was saying stuff about I don't remember what it was, either Trump or the vaccines. And he was like, bro, can you help me out? This is fucked up that like they took my account down and it's free speech and I don't get to say it now. And it's actually not because it's a business.

Like there are rules and guidelines you have to go by about Instagram and it sucks. There are rules and guidelines that you have to go to on YouTube. We get flagged sometimes for saying shit that you have to make sure you're 18 to sign into the fucking thing to watch the video. And I'm sure we spread misinformation. All we do is spread misinformation on this podcast. That's the point of this podcast. And, um, you know, it's well within YouTube's

right to be like, this is not what we want in our business. Just like it's well within the right of the Toronto Blue Jays to be like, ah, this guy doesn't believe in what the fuck we believe in, so he's out of the fucking league. However, my point still stands. What the fuck does that have to do with throwing the ball? And here's the other thing, too. Fans are booing, but they don't really give a fuck. That's the thing. They're booing because it's easy to boo.

They're still at the fucking game. They're still at the game, meaning they still purchased the ticket. So it's not really hurting their pockets. a matter of fact woke moves hurt your pockets so you know i do believe in the fact that free speech does stop when you talk when you when it comes to a company right because it has nothing to do with free speech this is what the company might stand for or not stand for if you go against their guidelines then you're out i get it um which is what fucking the nfl was kind of brushing up against with kaepernick because they were like well we can't fucking you know what i mean we can't keep it's bad look and we're white and he's black and we're all a bunch of white guys but I get it

so yeah I don't know man it's just not gonna watch that movie I'm never gonna watch that movie I'll never watch it with you good men so that's good and that's what you come here for thanks for listening this has been another episode of congratulations

and I'll tell you this much you can go over to the Patreon and watch the full episode. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. We love you for it. Thank you very much. And the Patreon episode is dropping soon, and it is bonkers silly. So go over to Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Leave a comment, dude, right here, and we appreciate you.

Thank you very much, guys. Bye-bye.