Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 325. You Got Shaped!

Episode Date: July 6, 2023

😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week we've got American Gladiators, bouldering and rock climbing, rappers in TV shows, and kids saying embarrassing stuff. Plus deserve-it videos and missed connections! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk. I'm pissed. Las Vegas. I'm going to be in Las Vegas. I'm going to be in Charlotte, North Carolina, Knoxville, Cleveland, Little Rock, Arkansas, Nashville. These are the ones coming up soon. Calgary, Edmonton. Go to chrislea.com to get tickets. And that's what's up. And besides that, welcome to this new episode of Congratulations. Feels good, man. I got my coffee from my thing that makes the coffee.

I got the app. I just hit it, and I made it. And I made the coffee myself just by the touch of a button. Dude, the world's getting nuts. You can just do stuff with the touch of a button. I made a coffee with the touch of a button, and I can't wait until you can work out with the touch of a button. Although I will say I've been heavy on this workout train lately. It's been over a month now, maybe a month and a

half. It is something that is very cool. It's the only time I'm doing something and I am literally thinking of absolutely nothing, nothing. I'm not even thinking of working out. I'm just there going through the motions. And it is so awesome because I just have nothing to think about. And it's an hour plus sometimes where I can just, I mean, I'm doing the most basic thing a man can do, which is just kind of picking stuff up and putting it down, you know, and sweating so hard. And I look around, dude, and I got to tell you, man, people at the gym, they don't really sweat that hard. Now some do, some do, but there's a lot of casual people that just go in there and kind of like walk on the stepper a little bit and then converse with some people. Dude, not me,

man. I talk to nobody. Now, yes, did I talk to an actor the other day in the new show Hijack? Of course I did because I watched Hijack and he was there at the gym and he came up to me and said that I was really funny. And I said, you know what, dude, you look like the guy from the show Hijack. And he said, that's me. And I said, dude, that show is awesome. And it is. Apple TV comes up, dude, they take the pedigree and they move it up, don't they? They take the streaming services. They take everyone, you know, you think, oh, streaming services. Oh, you know.

Oh, yeah, Netflix. Oh, Hulu. Oh, you know, Amazon Prime. Apple TV comes up. Apple TV, Apple Plus, whatever the heck it's called. Apple TV Plus, Apple Plus, Apple Plus. What's it called?

Who cares? But you know what I'm talking about? That thing, whatever that is, Apple's streaming service, it goes like this. Well, hold the phone a little bit. Paramount Plus goes like this. Well, hold the phone a little bit. Paramount Plus goes like this. Well, hold the phone a little bit.

What about Pedigree, right? Because you go on Netflix, and this is how you pick something from Netflix. You go like this. But you go to Apple TV, you go like this. You go to Paramount Plus, you go like this. You go to Amazon, you go to Hulu, you go to Netflix, you go to bob ron plus you go like this you go to amazon you go to hulu you go to netflix you go like this right and then 10 minutes later you go like this but that's how it is but some streaming services that got that pedigree max kind of got that pedigree see i like max because it sounds like It sounds like I'm gay. I like Max.

I like Max. Why'd they drop the HBO thing? That was the highest pedigree of all things. They had Game of Thrones. They had Eastbound and Down. They had Ali G's show. They had all the good things. But yeah, Real Sports... Brian Gumbel, today on Real Sports,

they had HBO. Brian Gumbel's just underwater when he talks. Today on Real Sports, we're going to be talking about the medicine of sports. I'm drowning. So, yeah. So, I put on, I watched Hijack. And, you know, I don't, they do the thing where they got to, like TV, they released two or three episodes at, at, and then, and then you got to wait every week.

Like it's still appointment TV, like how it was when you, you know, in the eighties and nineties. So I'm watching it. I'm all into it. Anyway, I see this dude, actor, fine actor, Max Beasley. He's great. And I was like, bro, you're, this show is awesome. My wife, we're hooked.

And he's like, just get ready. It's, you know, it's a ride. And I was like, bro, this show is awesome. My wife, we're hooked. And he's like, just get ready. It's, you know, it's a ride. And I was like, hell yeah, dude. And I felt good. You know, it feels good. You know, the, the, the, it feels good. And then it's like, you know, I'm like, yeah, I, when you like what somebody does, then you, and then, and then you meet them, you want to let them know, I guess, which is what I did. And that's what he did too. So, hey, but anyway, that show's cool. Finished Silo. So good. I found out that people are really mad at the, uh, final episode. That's crazy. People are mad at everything. Dude, it was a great show. I love it. Tim Robbins, right?

Rebecca Ferguson, awesome. Every time Common's in something, I'm always like, oh, God, there's fucking Common's in it. And I don't dislike Common. It's just like, I don't think any, dude, how about this? Only get actors to do things. And if you want, get comedians to play funny parts. But, like, whenever it's like, oh yeah, Alicia Keys is in it.

And she like didn't put makeup on for the role. And everyone's like, wow, for fucking five days when it comes out and then everyone forgets about it. You know what I'm talking about? Or like Lenny Kravitz when they put him in the Hunger Games show. It's like, oh my God, dude. You could have really put a banger dude in there. If Common was played, if the guy Common, if Common, whatever, I don't know, that's his real name, Common Johnson. If he actually, and dude, great rapper, don't, I'm not taking anything from him.

And you know what, he's okay at acting, but he's a rapper, dude. And I know you can't be a rapper when you're like in your 50s and 60s because it's like a rapping is a young man's game but like dude when when when common shows up in a fucking thing dude i go like this here we go when lenny kravitz shows up in a fucking thing i go like this all right okay common just rap lenny kravitz just split your pants let your balls fall out. Remember when he did that? I want to get away. I want to fly. Rip.

Blong. Took out someone's teeth in the front row. Away. The beat just goes, yeah, yeah. I got him out of way. Wow. Says nothing, that part. So, yeah. Anyway, Silo's a way well. Says nothing, that part. So, yeah.

Anyway, Silo's a good show. Now, do the sets look kind of fake? Yes. Is everything brown? Yes. Is it all fucking dress? Did it look like Kanye did the costume design? Yes.

But is it a good show? Yes, it is, dude. Are the things that are unexplained? Yes. Are the plot holes? Maybe. That's what we were mad about the final episode. It's okay i don't know man what people want anymore every show kind of sucks just chill these fucking armchair experts that go in and was like well you know what this is

actually that's the thing everybody's a comedy expert you know what i mean you put up a clip on youtube people are like people think this guy. Dude, you know how many people there are? Seven billion. There's that many people. People think everybody's funny, right? There's people that are straight up dog shit and there's going to be people that think they're funny.

It's subjective, dude. You know? So I don't know what people want. It's subjective, dude. You know? So I don't know what people want. Like, look, I don't think that fucking Adam Sandler movies are funny. But I don't, you know, that's just me. That doesn't mean he's not funny. That means there's something wrong with me. There's something wrong with me.

I don't think certain comedians are funny. It doesn't mean they're not good. Adam Sandler is fucking fantastic funniest guy in the world Nick Swartzen there you go you know no one funnier Brian Callen Bobby Lee these guys are the funniest people in the world

that's what I think but yeah you know uh so i fucking so i i watched those shows and then and that's it and i don't care if they're good or bad dude and then i want to get into other stuff too but i also saw the american gladiators thing on netflix guess what dude i'm gonna come out and say it you're making too many documentaries about things when i first saw it i was like oh cool and then i watched halfway through like the third episode i go like this dude i'm only watching this because i used to watch the american gladiators that's so fucking stupid that's so dumb what i did i go oh cool click and i watched the whole thing and i'm watching this thing and then they're trying to play up like oh yeah these guys were juicing these guys did drugs

and like they couldn't hack it and one guy got fired another guy got fired and the producers were trying to rip people off and make money off the actors and they believed in the franchise not necessarily the actors and they thought that the franchise, not necessarily the actors. And they thought that the franchise was a star, not the act, not, not fucking Nitro. And, and, and, and, and I'm watching this thing. And for about three episodes, I'm like, wow. Wow. Okay. Pretty scandalous.

And then I'm like, oh, but it's actually not, it's just boring. And oh, oh no shit, dude. Oh, really? Gemini ice fucking Nitro, these big behemoth motherfuckers. Oh, oh, they did steroids? No, get out of here, dude. Really? That's not news of fucking course the American Gladys did steroids.

I wouldn't, I wouldn't watch them if they didn't. How about that? Juice it up. Take injections. Fuck HDH. Do the whole steroid. Do it all. Be a chick and do it. Be a woman and talk like this. Come on, Ice. Oh, really? Some of the women who did American gladiators were gay and it was hard for them no shit no shit no shit they were gay and juicing so i'm watching this fucking thing and it's like and then one guy took a big hit and got and that was it for him and they thought malibu was going to be a big thing. Yeah, dude, that's not it.

And oh, and the producers tried to make money. And they were on, they were, they were, they were pissed off that the actors were pissed off that didn't get merchandising. Dude, this is just how the biz goes. Ah, fuck. Huh? Well, whatever, fuck. Huh? Well, whatever, dude. You know? Nobody died. I'm watching this and I'm like, nobody died?

Zero people died? They just did steroids? This is bullshit. They're making documentaries of too many things. Dude, Netflix will just fucking straight put out the garbage man conspiracy on fucking Main Street in fucking Seattle. And you're like, what? And the whole fucking show is just boop, boop, boop.

And then one guy, you know, they start too early and they wake me up all the time. The Garbage Man Conspiracy on Netflix. Eight episodes. And people just eat, watch, oh, oh, really? Oh, so they don't even really put the plastic in the

recycling? Dude, did you hear? On Garbage Man Conspiracy? Did you know they don't put the plastic in the fucking thing ever since fucking to make a murderer or whatever the hell it is or uh who wants to be a murderer whatever the fucking with the fucking guy it's like dude that was so one-sided the guy so obviously went stabbing and netflix was trying to make it like we got and there's assholes out here that are just like we gotta free the guy who fucking stabbed to make it like we got and there's assholes out here that are just like we got to free the guy you fucking stabbed you google one fucking thing about that thing and it's like oh but why did netflix leave the part where there were fucking chains on his bed with handcuffs could be a kink

could be but i'm just saying dude anyway so i'm it's like i'd rather just watch the fucking uh you know and one day i was murdered or whatever those things are in every episode it's like about a neighbor um but yeah there was one unbelievable story about the guy the american gladiator in that thing. The dude Nitro, really handsome dude. And this is just so telling about how insidious trauma is, right? Like when you're a kid, when you're growing up, like we've all had some sort of trauma and Pia Melody, who basically wrote the book on childhood trauma, well, she did write books on childhood trauma, but she says anything less than nurturing is trauma. And I don't know if I believe that, but everything affects you when you're fucking five.

So in a way, I understand what she's saying. But this dude, basically this kid, Nitro, when he was a kid, was ripped from his mom. His dad took him and he had to leave his mom because his dad was going to take custody of him. So he was getting on the plane, leaving his mom and his mom was weeping and he was crying so much. Right. I don't know how old he was, young. But this guy saw the kid and said, hey, buddy, are you crying? And he said, yeah. And he says, let me see your muscle. And the guy goes like this and he points to it and he says, you got a little muscle right there. That means you're a man and men don't cry. That fucking thing, this guy, he's 58 now, and he remembers that.

And that's, I would argue, the reason he got big and jacked and became American Gladiator. Isn't that fucking insane? And now, dude, his brother died years later, and he didn't cry. He was like, I'm not supposed to cry because that guy said he was still a kid. But, dude, that shit, that little grain of sand plucked into that dude's brain grew to be a whole beach. And now it's fucked up but hopefully the guy knows and the guy did therapy and the guy's fucking a little bit better for it now because man here's the other fucking crazy thing dude that guy who told that

kid nitro as a kid that isn't a bad guy he thought he was helping that's the most fucked up like you don't even get to be like as an adult as nitro you don't even get to be like fuck that guy he's evil you got to be like oh he was only trying his best and now i'm fucked up as you're on the fucking the jousting as you're in the big ball like a fucking big muscular hamster yeah dude it's crazy trauma what it does man i had some yes dude so anyway i try to like think about that with my kids man dude i try to think about it with my kids um yeah a lot of stuff man every dude if you don't make a tv show or a movie and have the character be really like have he had some trauma in his past you ain't shit dude your show is for the birds did you know that i watched the dawn wall a lot

of stuff i'm talking about a lot of watching a lot of stuff and i don't even but man it's a fucking rock oh dude well let me just start with this i went rock climbing well bouldering it's inside it's not higher than 30 feet but you don't have to fucking rope yourself in and there's a big mat that even if you fall you do kind of get hurt sometimes and i did and i didn't realize how hard it was and i have fucking six blisters on my inside of my hands oh yes dude and it hurts do i still push through and work out yes have i yes does it hurt yes do i bleed all over the weights yes do i wash them after no but i you know i don't i don't believe i got right here see boom boom boom boom um anyway Boom. Anyway, so I went rock climbing with the family. Well, not rock climbing, bouldering with Kristen, two friends, Calvin, and we even brought William, dude.

And they made William sign a waiver. He's not even three months. They're like, I know it's kind of silly, but just do it for him. And we're like, this kid shits his pants. He's not going to be climbing. I said, yeah, just do it. I said, okay. So I went there, dude.

And he says, what size shoe? I said, 13. He's like, I'm going to give you 13 and a half. They run a little small. So I said, okay. They were so small. So I said, 13. He's like, I'm going to give you 13 and a half. They run a little small. So I said, okay. They were so small. So I said, hey, man, can you give me 14? So small.

I said, hey, man, can I get a 15? Started doing a little bit. So small. Hey, man, can I get a 16? What's the deal here? I need a size 16 rock climbing shoe. I'm the man, dude. I'm the fucking man.

I got big ass rock climbing feet. But anyway, dude, it was fun. Got ripped to shreds. my wife sore as shit dude she killed it because she's a gymnast dude she was just like just like frodo on on the fucking thing just spider-man like the horror movies when somebody's in the corner just up in the ceiling like this and then then you turn the light on, they're not there? Fucking hate horror movies. I love horror movies, but I can't stand they all do the thing. I watched that new one on Netflix, Rabbit Run.

The second the kid drew dark pictures with... I'm out, dude. How many kids are going to draw scribbly pictures of their family? And like in a demonic way. And they go like, you know the little johnny wrote he drew this and he go oh no and i'm out i'm out so uh we went bouldering and it was fun it was fun it's really hard dude it's really hard man it's so hard and you you know me, dude. When I try something, I get obsessed with it. So what did I do? I left after, you know, a few hours.

One or two hours. Not long. And I felt good, you know. And then I watched frigging two documentaries on rock climbing. He's an addict, folks. He does one thing and then he does it forever. So the Dawn Wall, it's Free Solo I saw, which by the way, I am going to tell this right now, I didn't like Free Solo.

Oopsy-daisy. Everybody gets mad when I say this. Why? Because the dude is quite obviously a goddamn sociopath you don't feel for him because he doesn't feel for anybody dude the guy goes like this hey i love you to a new chick that he's with and then she says i love you too uh he says gotta but got a free solo though and she's like what if you die and he goes i i don't have to tell you i gotta just get up there she's like but he's like i don't care leave me it's just bad so um but that make sociopaths make up for it in grip strength i'll tell you that much

so i watched the dawn wall which is about this dude man who when he was a kid dude he got abducted by fucking like uh afghani soldiers while he was trying to rock climb in kurdistan i don't know where anything is but um because i'm racist and uh and he was doing it and they and they took him and his girlfriend and the one guy went off to get food and then the dude was with his girlfriend and the dude that was watching them from the army or whatever it was i don't know anything uh he he says to his so the guy who says to his girlfriend hey i'm gonna have to push him off the ledge otherwise you know he's gonna kill us and she was like he's like i have to do that and she didn't say anything and he was like i took that as she would be okay with it so he fucking pushed the guy off the ledge and the guy died he had to fucking dude i thought i was watching a rock climbing documentary and it's still a documentary about murder my wife watches

that shit all the time do you know i'm saying and i'm like always trying to get away from the murder documentaries i thought i put on like a happy-go-lucky friendly rock climbing movie. This guy still is a murderer. Unbelievable. But it was either him or him. And he took care of it. And then they trauma bonded him and his wife and they got married. They loved each other. And then they ended up breaking up because they say people who meet under high pressure situations, they don't necessarily work out all that way. And what we learned that, what we learned that from, what we learned that from? Speed, right? Because Sandra Bullock says that to Keanu Reeves all the time.

So anyway, they're rock climbing now. And this guy is like survived that. That's obviously shaped them right dude you got trauma like that you're congratulations you're shaped right ah shit you had to kill somebody's to to save your and your love's wife oh Oh shit! You done got shaped! Right? That's what happens. You see a car accident when you're six?

Whoopsie! You got shaped. You got a babysitter that tried to do some shit with you? Oh! You done got shaped! This guy tried to do some shit with you oh you don't get shaped this guy had to throw someone off a cliff in kurdistan whoopsie he shaped forever so now the dude is like killer rock climber the best rock climber starts doing really well so he's killing

rock climbing and then he's building something and doing using one of those saws cuts off his finger, more trauma. And his supposed rock climbing career got thrown out the window because now he's one finger less. The dude's got nine fingers. The only thing you need is a rock climber, his fingers. You don't even need eyes. There's a blind one.

I swear to God, I saw a blind one on the documentary. He was just feeling around like this. I swear to God, I saw a blind one on the documentary. He was just feeling around like this. It's just like fucking Ray Charles out there just, oh, there's a spot. And he's still alive. So all you need are fingers. And this dude got his finger cut off. And guess what that did instead of ruin this career?

Shaped him. He goes like this. Extra trauma. Scoop that up. Let me get all shaped up. So this guy became, I shit you not, a better rock climber, dude. Better than anyone. Better than his past self. He was doing shit he's never done before. And guess what, dude. Better than anyone. Better than his past self. He was doing shit he's never done before. And guess what, dude? He never would have been able to do that if he didn't push a guy off a fucking cliff when he was younger and kill them.

Because that shaped his mentality, dude. You could either be a victim or you could done get shaped that's why we say grow or die baby i gotta find the guy's name but it's so disrespectful if i don't know the guy's name um the dawn wall uh tommy caldwell best no so so i'm watching the dawn wall and i'm like this is the documentary i'm fucking people watch a free solo it got all awards i'll fuck all fuck out of here with that shit this is what i want to talk about i want to watch this guy because he's got the personality baby and you know look let's face it if you're a rock climber you're going to be fucking weird

right you just got to be a goddamn weirdo hey what you do climb uh and you're going to be fucking weird, right? You just got to be a goddamn weirdo. Hey, what'd you do? Climb? And you're not seven? You're great. You got to be an introvert, weird, or autistic kind of guy. I don't even mean that to be funny. It's just such a specific thing to just keep climbing rocks. Yeah. So, man, I did not realize how much grip strength they need. I mean, I, I gotta, I gotta use like this and these dudes are just like, these dudes are just, they rock climb. They're like this. They go like this. Fingers in holes. And I'm just like, wow, dude.

So, uh, yeah. Uh, so I tried it. I tried to do it and I'm not, I'm not good at it, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna go again. Me good at it, but I want to go again. Me and my wife want to go again. Calvin was on there on the little ones. It was really cute, really cute. God, isn't it – you know what I was waiting for is the day – like there was somebody in my family, I don't remember who it was, but when they were younger,

really younger, when they saw their first Asian person, they looked at them and they went, Ching Chong, Ching Chong, Ching Chong, and it was like they were, you know, three. You don't know better. You're like, oh, my God, the mom's like, oh, God. It's so racist, you know but but they're also three and it's just society that's showing them a cartoon or something and now that's what they do

oh fuck it so i mean that's so bad god but keep but they're kids um anyway i was like what's what's gonna happen when cal because like we expose him to, you, you know, you want to expose, like, we don't always buy the white action figures or the, you know what I mean? Like we want to, you know, and in his school, he's got, it's, it's a, you know, it's a bit of a melting pot and like, thank God, you know, cause we don't, we want him to be exposed to every kind of looking person. Cause God forbid, God forbid, they fucking grow up only with one type of person and then they think people are different and that's okay. beautiful, tall, dark woman walked by. And she was maybe like, I don't know what she was, really. Not African-American, if you can even say that nowadays, but like something else.

I don't know because I'm a white guy. And she walked by and Calvin said, let me get this quote right. Calvin said, she's brown like Sheriff Toadster and has boobs like mommy. And you know what? He was right.

Google Sheriff Toadster. Sheriff Toadster's brown. He's from the fucking video game that he plays, and that woman was brown, and she had boobies like mommy. So what can you do? For my money, it's better than ching-ong ching chong when you see an asian so oh yeah yeah yeah that's what i did

yeah she's brown like you're brown like sorry man but i don't i wouldn't have said it but he actually does you are brown like sheriff toadster and you know my wife has boobies uh so anyway it was nice to meet you uh come on calvin let's go so i'm like oh oh, it happened. The thing happened. And that's a good one. Sheriff Toadster, you know? Been working out. I fucking worked David out hard, dude. You know?

I made him do, we did box jumps jumps this was after we were doing uh chest workouts and he jumped off the box and i was like we got to go into a push-up he jumped out the box oh and couldn't do a push-up almost broke his fucking nose on the ground it was amazing and uh i don't realize i go fucking hard dude but i do and uh and when i would and then and then he was so fucked up afterwards, like just so tired. You know when you're just, your heart's beating,

and there's a food place right next to you, and you're trying to get food, and he was just talking, and he was talking about how he used to go to school, because he used to play football, and he used to be a kicker, a really good kicker. And at Baylor, Bay baylor baylor football and uh he played with jj watt is that his name and um

and he was telling me a story about how jj watt said to me that if you work out, basically you can eat lean protein anytime. And then he kept talking about J.J. Watt. And he was doing like this jokey thing where he was talking about him and saying, like acting like they were best friends. You know how like fucking, how Brian Callen will do that about like, you know, Tom Cruise or some shit when he doesn't know him. But obviously, David knew J.J. Watt a little bit. But anyway, and he didn't realize it, but he was calling him J.J. Protein a bunch. And he was like, that's what J.J. Protein said, man.

But he was good, man. J.J. Protein. And I'm like, hey, man, you're saying J.J. Protein. And he said, man, JJ, but he was good, man. JJ Protein. And I'm like, Hey man, you're saying JJ Protein. And he said, what? And I said, it's JJ what? And you know that, and you're saying JJ Protein. And he said, oh fuck. I had no idea. He was so worked out that he was just calling him JJ Protein. And that, that, that's the funniest thing that's ever happened. So there, that's it. That was so good, dude.

Fucking idiot, you know? Come on, plug in. My wife was like, she was like telling me to go get, I was working out and then she was like, she was like telling me to go get, I was working out, and then she was like, go get, can you go pick up,

she's so great, dude, she's got this book club, that I joined, and she was reading, now she's reading Oprah's book on it, like a bunch of people joined, and she's like posts about it,

fucking love it, and she was like, can you go get these photos, that I printed out at Walgreens, and I go like this, yeah, you, uh, she was like, can you go get these photos that I printed out at Walgreens? And I go like this. Yeah. You know why? Good dude. Right. So I go to do it and she was like, and I get there and the guy's like, it's going to be

about 15 minutes. So I was like, she told me prematurely. All good. No big deal. I'll walk across the street to Starbucks. the street to Starbucks. So I do. And, um, I go to a Starbucks that I haven't been to in a while years. I used to go there a bunch. I lived in there. There. Wow. I actually lived near there. I just thought about it. Jesus. Wow. That'll be a trip to go back to those apartments. Wow that would be a trip to go back to those apartments Anyway

I walk into the Starbucks First of all on the patio no furniture Which there's always like people hanging out I walk inside no furniture No furniture in Starbucks but it's well open So I walk up I'm gonna get a coffee No actually no I wanna get a salad

And they don't have salad So I'm like oh now a coffee. No, actually, no. I want to get a salad. And they don't have salad. So I'm like, oh, now I came here for no reason. And I'm pissed. But at least I can gain information. I'm curious. Where the fuck is the furniture?

So I say to the lady, hey, why is there no furniture in here? And she said, man, we've been having so many incidents that upper management just told us we can't have furniture anymore dude I didn't realize how funny this is

I'm talking about it we can't even have furniture anymore because we can't have people in here and I was like so you just you just you can come in and sell and get coffee you gotta leave and she's like yeah i'm like whoa dude the world is going to shit starbucks can't even have furniture anymore what What are incidents to? You know it has to do with like homeless people shitting on the floor and like fights, like

fighting and oh god. Oh my god dude. This is so crazy. They can't have furniture. Starbucks can't have furniture anymore. It wasn't even like, it was like Vineland and Ventura.

It was just some place that you might be like, oh, cool, Starbucks. You go in, no furniture. I should have just sat on the floor and drank a fucking iced espresso. Absolutely bonkers. Bro, what's with this fucking... bonkers bro what's with this fucking uh elon musk now is putting you the new paywall on twitter where you need an account just to retweets now which is cool whatever and you have to pay for twitter blue verified access to see more than 600 posts per day.

And if you don't have that, you can only see 600 posts or less. And wow, I think that'll change things, right? I don't know how many, I don't look at Twitter, but like how many posts do you typically see in a day? I would think, well, I don't use it, so I'm a bad judge of it. But I would think, you know, there's probably people who fucking see thousands, right? There's probably people that just scroll all day. You're not gonna be able to do that unless you pay, which you'll pay, probably.

But Elon Musk continues to blame Twitter's new limitations on AI companies scrapping vast amount of data as he announced new temporary limits to Enumboard. Enumboard. Oh, wait, hold on. And for new unverified accounts, it's just 300 in a day. Yeah, people with no Twitter account can never see a tweet. But are there people that look at Twitter that don't have Twitter? Oh, yeah, because you don't have Twitter. If I had Twitter and you didn't, and I wanted you to see a link with Twitter, you can't. Going to be a lot more screenshotting, dude. The limits for verified accounts, presumably whether they're bought as a part of Twitter,

blue subscription, created through an organization or verification, you'll enforce on people like Stephen King, LeBron James, and anyone else. Still allow reading only a maximum of 6,000 posts a day. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, God bless. I mean, Twitter's the worst.

Um, but it is a link that somebody sent me. That was the reason why I found out that, uh, Michael Jordan's son is now dating Scotty Pippen's ex-wife. And that dude, there is nothing, honestly, nothing more fucking gangster than that. You know what I mean? Like, as if Scotty Pippen, like, dude, he's been through enough. You know?

He's been through enough. He was the second banana on the fucking bulls. He played with the goat. Probably would have been considered a goat. I'm sure he is. But now that Michael Jordan exists, and not even that, on the same team. So it gets overshadowed. And now, however many years ago, nutted in someone, made a kid, that kid grew up, and is now blasting the fucking guy who got overshadowed

as an ex-wife. And that is, dude, is this the Chicago Bulls or Game of Thrones? This is absolutely crazy that this happened. So that's the most gangster thing I've ever seen in my life. And Michael Jordan has said, hell no, I don't approve of a son dating Larsa Pippen. Larsa is the worst name of all time. We all know that, right? This is not Larissa, it's Larsa. So it's horrible.

That's what TMZ reports. And we know that they always tell the goddamn truth. But Michael Jordan has never been one of my... Here we go. Hey, Mr. Joe... Come on. Great internet. has never been one of my... Here we go. Come on. Great internet.

He laughed. Let's let it load. Dude, he laughed. He laughed. he just said no these vultures Wow. That was a bad video. Look at these vultures, dude. It sucks.

But they got hot and steamy. How old is Michael Jordan's son? Is 33? 32. How old is she 48 wow i had probably some fucking that's probably some fucked up shit there yeah i just went pp um by the way there's video on my other channel, Chris D'Elia, the YouTube channel. I put up video of me doing some crowd work stand-up.

I released it. I talked about it last week, and it's out there now, so you can go check it out. And like and subscribe here. That would be great. I would appreciate it. And leave a comment. And I didn't even realize. Okay, so it's monday now which

means this comes out for patreon on wednesday which means that for thursday it comes out regular youtube so if you're a patreon member thank you very much if you're not patreon.com slash crystalia but uh yesterday or two days ago depending when you listen to this or if you listen to the weekend this past week it was uh fourth of july i didn't even uh i'm not you know holidays are cool but like you know i don't want to do too much shit you know me um and my wife so my wife was like what do you want to do for fourth of july and i was like uh just watch fireworks but like comfortably you know i don't want to be too hot. I don't have to be like this beforehand because the sun's out a lot.

I don't want to be around too many people. Last year we went to Universal, or wait, Disneyland, which was sweet. Um, Calvin saw his first fireworks, but,

um, she was like, we can do a few things. The Dodgers play the pirates or something. We can go do that. And I'm like, that's out because it things. The Dodgers play the Pirates or something. We can go do that. And I'm like, that's out because it's going to be too sunny and then too much and then Calvin and what are we going to bring, William?

The football game is too much. She says, you want to go to the Hollywood Bowl and watch the Beach Boys sing and then fireworks? And I think, and I go, well, that's not as bad as the baseball one, but holy fucking shit. You know what I mean? The Beach Boys? No. Like I get it. They had some hits, but also, ah, also Calvin's not going to like that shit. You know, Calvin's going to be sit there and I'm going to be like, yeah, you like this song? Wouldn't it be nice to be together? Actually, that shit's corny as fuck, those songs.

Huh? Morning, morning, morning. I don't even know any other Beach Boys songs, actually. What else? Whatever. But they may, you know, know you know them if you heard them but uh yeah so i'm like i don't want to do that calvin's not gonna like that and then we were like calvin want to go look at fireworks and we showed him some fireworks and he was like

no and we were like whoa what the fuck and he was like i said why is it because i'm scared of it we're like you've seen him before last year. And he was just like, I don't want to do it. What do you want? What do you want to do for Fourth of July? And he said, this is his wife or my wife's son. He said, stay home and decorate. Dude, he's three.

He's already talking about staying home and decorating, which is cool to stay home part. And also the stay home part was for dad, and the decorate part was for mom. Dude, he's half above the bus. So that's beautiful. But I don't know. Then she gave me an option. You just want to go on a picnic?

And I'm like, dude, stop right there, yes, that's the move, dude, that's the most American shit, dude, and you know I'm a hot-blooded American, man, I'm a hot-blooded American, you know what I mean, I love Tabasco sauce, and fucking burgers, and you know, I get boners every now and I'm a red-blooded American, dude, that's what's up, so we're gonna go do that, a picnic, so get boners every now and I'm a red blooded American, dude. That's what's up. So we're going to go do that, a picnic. So we did that. So it was fun probably. But I don't know about 4th of July.

You know, it's Americans celebrating its independence. And then so everyone just gets drunk and shit and sets off fireworks and loses fingers. fireworks everything's scary to me dude i don't want fireworks i don't want to hold them sparklers are okay actually i gotta get some sparklers for calvin that would be fucking amazing but um we thought about going on a boat we thought about and everything's just fucking i'm like babe this shit is just money i mean i know no dense but also like let's just make a sandwich and watch fireworks dude on youtube like not even live um i don't know let's do some deserved scales here here's one, on Instagram. Oh, no.

It's a little person? Is that what they call him? I don't know anymore. Put it on. Oh, fuck out the door. Oh, fuck out the door. Little guy, you know what? Had a little fucking dump truck on him.

You know, you don't realize this, but a lot of times little people they got some fucking crazy weight on the bottom half of them he's got a fucking dump truck you know i'm saying you see little people sometimes they used to call them midgets right but now you don't anymore because just times change and you decide one word isn't right but dude they got dump trucks on him like if this dude turned around it looked like fucking you know what i'm saying two watermelons in his back but this dude goes to jump on a dude's and he's drunk the other dude not the little person but he's like all right let's do it he was gonna give him a give him a hug and then he goes jump on my back which by the way i would strangle the guy if i was a little person and then he goes jump on my back, which, by the way, I would strangle the guy.

If I was a little person and they go jump on my back, I'd go like this, okay, turn around, and then strangle the person. I'd be like, tap out, motherfucker. You just let a little dude hit you up. And then he jumps on his back and just can't even, and they went out the door. Now they're in another room, dude. That's how gangster that was.

Unbelievable. That's cool, dude. But goddamn, they hit that emergency exit like there was a fire um deserve it scale 100 um eight you know definitely an eight here's another one actions come with consequences uh let's see what's up here oh this one's a minute long but let's let's get into it dude come with consequences. Let's see what's up here. Oh, this one's a minute long,

but let's get into it, dude. Oh, there's no... Is there no sound on it? Oh, there we go. Worst sound of all time. Guys walking over down to the lake. Oh, man, look at these dudes. Definite Chicago Bears fans. Yeah.

Following somebody, I guess. Whites. Across the lawn. Oh, fuck. Watch out. Oh, no. He threw a piece of mud at this guy's window.

And it broke. Oh, it's rocks holy shit oh oh oh dude this is some old people shit the fucking dude rolled up on a golf cart and just straight up ran the dude over that's attempted murder maybe Ran the dude over. That's attempted murder, maybe. Who's saying? I'm dying. Wonder what happened.

Oh, he's doing it at one house and then another house. Oh, it's just a crazy guy, I guess. Oh, my God. The buildup to this is awesome. Oh, my God, dude. So he picks up... Why wouldn't the fucking dudes tackle him? They're too fat, you know? It's like...

Yeah. It's so hot out and they're like... The cops are coming, obviously. like, let's just see. The cops are coming, obviously. Oh, fuck. Watch out. Ooh, hit the side of the thing and then throws one. Breaks the window. Dude, watch, like a bat out of hell, dude. Batman.

Oh, dude, there we go. This is so, this is the whitest thing ever you know guys acting up getting golf And then just says, I'm dying. Wow. This is crazy. He ran him. They didn't just hit him. He was just like, we keep going. No hair.

We keep going here in Gainesville. Holy shit. All right, let's do another one. That was, you know what, dude? Don't throw rocks in people's windows. Also, those were like boulders. They weren't even just rocks. You know, very rarely do people get exactly what they deserve.

I don't know if that was a little harsh, but yeah. You kind of deserved it, right? Deserved scale? Eight. Here we go. That's another one. Ooh! Hold on, we got another one.

She got shorter with that one. She hit her head. Oh, she's laughing, but she's going to feel so hurt tomorrow. Look, getting on the chandelier. What a moron. Good. And that's a 10. The song made it a 10.

The song made it 10 with the fucking ukulele bitch shit in the back. This idiot is just climbing the fucking chandelier. I hate... What if fucking... Who sings... So many people sing like that. Look at... Boom! Look.

And that was the moment I realized I fucked up. I became shorter after that. Because my whole spine truncated. Oh, shit. That's a 10. The music, unreal, dude. The music killed it there. Great soundtrack for that one.

See another one. That was a 10. So 8, 8, 10. Wow, we love the Zerra scales, man. Okay, here we go. Here's another one. Oh, we love the zero scales, man. Okay, here we go. Here's another one. Oh, God. Guy's got a bat.

What is it? A cat? Oh, my God. A squirrel is in this guy's... shit that's cool is that sonic the hedgehog come on bro man the fuck up that's hardly a deserved scale but the guy is a bitch. Guy. Hey. Breathe. You know what I mean? Yeah, why does he have a fucking bat next to his desk?

That's also so white. God, whites are the best with a deserved scale. I hate to say it because I'm white, but us motherfuckers, dude. That's not a deserved scale technically, but I am happy I saw it. Who screams like that?

I couldn't even scream like that if I tried. All right. Misconnections. ATM inside. LA. ATM mail accepting big straight deposits. Oh, my God. You know what to do.

Oh, I look so concise right to the point. ATM mail. ATM mail accepting big straight deposits. So he wants you to not like guys, but still give them a deposit straight. Here's another one. You used to give us your used condoms. Too many used in that sentence. And also disgusting.

We lost you. You used to give us your filled condoms so my wife and I could play with it. Oh my god, dude. I would give you pics of her in exchange. Bad deal. Hey, guy. Negotiate.

Is there any world where I don't have to accept the condoms that have come in it? Or no? Okay, here are the pictures of my naked wife. Bad deal, dude. Worst negotiator. You know who we need for this. What?

You know who I'm talking about, Mr. Used Condoms. Oh, fuck. We've got a hostage situation. All right, all right, I'll handle it. Hey, it's, uh... How you doing in there? Good, but I'm going to kill everyone. I want a chopper.

All right, all right. We'll get you that chopper. Any chance if I slide some directs under here, you could fill them up? I need to play with them with my wife. I only got one dick. Yeah, but the hostages. I don't really care whose it is. Guys, get the chopper. He's going to let them go. You're going to let the guys go? Just let me play around with them fucking used condoms? Oh my God, the world. Here we go.

Guy looking for fun with girl. Linwood, looking for a girl that wants to have some fun. I come over, then leave after. We're done having fun. So, that's a haiku. That's pretty good, straightforward. Girl's going to want more after that, though, you know? Just going to want more after that. That doesn't exist. You might think it does, but it doesn't. And if it does, she'll be disgusting and fat.

Anyway, here we go. Cookies, but it doesn't. And if it does, she'll be disgusting and fat. Anyway, here we go. Cookies and donut. Don't. It's spelled D-O-U-N-T. So, I mean, the proofreading on this is just off the charts. Granada Hills. Hey there, I have a bit of a sweet tooth and am looking to eat a nice cookie and donut. Female only.

I guess that means, you know, both privates, front and back door. I need a bit of a sweet, just do the lengths of the fucking. So I have a bit of a sweet tooth. You bend over? I'll get my nose all wet. Who needs a nice plunge of the rear? Okay, dude, I'm done. I mean, dude, who needs a dot, dot, dot, and then in the body,

nice plunge of the rear. I'd love to help. So let me know when and where this is for now. 3 a.m. This is for now. Hey, anyone need a nice plunge of the rear? If so, save your filled up condoms. Me and my wife needs to play with them.

All right, dude, that was Miss Connections. Holy shit. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. If you want, sign up for our Patreon, patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And then also, I forget to plug this a lot, but 15% off Pure Spectrum CBD use code. Congrats at checkout. So we have at Pure Spectrum CBD, which is let's see, Pure

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truth. But yeah, you can go to the website. It's purespectrumcbd.com, and you type in congrats at checkout. There it is, purespectrumcbd.com, and you get 15% off. So that's awesome. So go do that for your CBD needs. If you have restless leg syndrome, try this. It's supposed to take like a week or two to work or a month or something.

But man, the second I, if I take this in the day, my legs don't go crazy. If I don't, they do. So, thank you very much you guys. Appreciate ya. Rock on. 다음 영상에서 만나요!