Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 326. The Bonus Hole

Episode Date: July 13, 2023

😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week we've got Threads and all the meats. Plus some thoughts on Rosanne, the new Indiana Jones, The Flash, The Sphere, and one of the longest but best Missed Connections ever. Let's get it! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, and it's me, and I'm going to be in Vegas soon. I just added a Sunday show, July 23rd, so go to chrislea.com. Charlotte, North Carolina, Knoxville, Tennessee, Little Rock, Arkansas, Nashville, Tennessee, Calgary, Edmonton, Ottawa, Montreal, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Detroit. Some of those are sold out, but other ones are not. So go check it out. And without further ado, since I got all that out of the way right there early, go to chrisley.com and get ticarinos. Let's start the new episode of congargulation

dude guess what i did today first of all i put a video up on instagram that went dummy viral i i'm so sorry and it was about how i didn't mean to match and i matched and i absolutely look ridiculous anyway and my drip was just fantastic i was slipping and falling all over the place right and uh i did it again i didn mean to, but I did it again today. I wore pink shorts with the tie-dyed socks that say Life Rips on them, where you can get them at chrislea.com. Those socks are absolutely ill. And pink and white shoes and a white shirt. Whoopsie-daisy.

Yeah. Yeah. I did do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I did it. So, whoopsie-daisy, the drip was absolutely sensational. The drip was absolutely...

Where is it? Where is it? Sensational. So, yeah. I did that. That was me that did that. That was me that did that. So, we're having a good time here over at the Congratulations Podcast Studio.

Check out Congratulations. Check out congratulations. Check out lifeline. Make sure you're subscribed and like the video. Make sure you're subscribed to super good for videos, right? Got the crystal via channel two that we put up there and it's got some standup on it actually right now that I just uploaded and the last Pueblo, Colorado,

some standup from there and then also the tour report um but yeah dude and uh let's talk about the elephant in the room room not rune let's talk about the elephant in the room I'm tan as if it couldn't get better dude the teardrops are coming in right above the knees. Johnny hips cry making a rising like a phoenix, because, dude, I do squats, but, dude, whoopsie daisy, he's also darker than usual. Whoops.

Oh, no, dude. He's giving Sheriff Toadster a run for his money, because he's almost brown. Yeah, but he doesn't have tits like mommy. Dude, uh uh i gotta bleep that out maybe because it's three minutes in we can't say that we're good dude so you know i'm tan i've been in the pool a lot i've been in you know imagine me imagine me just getting out the pool dude glistening and all that shit oh my god is the sun going, imagine me just rising out of the pool like that,

just chest all nice, just pushing out, right, just imagine that, glistening in the moonlight, just, oh, just under the, right, just, so that's, you know, just imagine it, right, the cover of a romance novel, I want to, dude, if I was on the cover of a romance novel, could you imagine? Not even all that fit, just kind of like, is it a dad bod or not? You know, that's what they should do about romance novels. They should put guys that are like, not dad bods, but it's like, I mean, it's kind of good, I guess, his body. I don't know. Kind of, not the guy I would pick for the cover.

Like, not Fabio. I wonder what that would do to sales. But anyway, I did George Janko's podcast. I don't know. I did it the other day. It's out. You can go check that out. We had a really nice conversation.

It was fun and funny. Love him and his girlfriend. They're so sweet. They both were sitting in on the podcast. And you can go check that out over at the George Janko channel. I don't know, man, but I'm tan. So whoops. And my wife doesn't even appreciate it. Told her I was tan. Didn't appreciate it, dude. I said, I'm tan, baby. I woke up. First thing I said in the morning, I said, baby, you realize how tan I am? And she goes, I've been up for five hours already. So whatever. That's not, that's mostly Billy's fault.

That's not my fault. That's William's fault. So whoopsie daisy, there we go, right? He's rolling over. He's doing all sorts of stuff. You know, I'm a family man, man. I'm a family man. Love my family.

And that's about that. Love my family. And that's about that. I don't know about the frigging... What's the news? Threads is the news, right? Threads is out there. Everyone who got an Instagram could just sign up for Threads.

They did it through Instagram. Zuckerberg goes like this. Oh, yeah, Elon, all right, well, what about this, because Twitter was tanking, I don't know what, Twitter, you know, Twitter's kind of, I like, you know, look, the good thing about Twitter is they don't censor anything, right, is that a good thing or a bad thing, I don't know, I mean, you can't make death threats, but also. The good thing about it is YouTube will flag a lot of stuff, even if it's comedy, right, even if they're joking, as we've seen with Roseanne Barr, which she said on this past weekend podcast with Theo. And and then they just put it on Twitter and it's on Twitter. And Elon Musk tweeted out and said comedy's legal here on this platform. And that's good because comedy is comedy. And truly what obviously Theo and Roseanne Barr are doing, it's comedy. It's just straight up comedy. They're both comedians.

They're on a comedy podcast. To flag any of that is, to me, it's just crazy. People talk about freedom of free speech of course it's not free speech it's a business youtube can do whatever they want i get it and twitter it's nice that elon is like fuck it this is how we're doing it comedy's comedy but twitter's been kind of a dumpster fire with the check mark stuff and then they were having people pay for check marks and then they were having people not like pay for them and then like something about how they like like took it away or something and then they made another one and you could have a different kind of check my i don't know what the hell it was but the fact that i don't even know what's going on and i you know i'm not active on

twitter but the fact that i even know what's going on i don't even know what's going on is crazy because twitter used to be the place for information. And now there's just so much crazy shit out there. Everyone's just pieces of shit. But Mark Zuckerberg goes like this, yo, watch this. And then he goes like this. Hey guys, not, Oh, Twitter. Nice. But check this out threads. and he made threads um and you know now it's a twitter that instagram dude genius tying it into instagram huh instagram wow i'm 85 years old genius tying it into instagram everyone already got the built-in shits right i follow ben baller on instagram i i make a thread Go to threads I'm already following Ben Baller on threads Okay I don't have to redo everything I can also post threads to my stories

Okay Driving traffic my babies Am I on the 405 Because I'm driving traffic Got the iced Americano With five ice cubes in it He's specific but that's how he does it he knows what he likes um so anyway who knows what kind of a you know basically all apps are going

to be a dumpster fire sooner or later because everything comes turns into the same thing everything turns into the same thing do you realize that everything turns into the same thing they all rip each other off that's happens. Everyone just rips each other off. Fucking Burger King comes out with the Whopper. McDonald's comes out with the Big Mac. Wendy's comes out with whatever the fuck Wendy's has, you know? The Cockburger. You know, whatever it is, right?

The most meat. Who's that one? We have the beef. Is that Arby's? Ving Rhames, right? We have the beef I think my comedy is suffering Because I have two kids now

Calvin would just think that what I just did is a riot We have the beef Or does he say we are the beef? Who knows We have the beef. Or did he say we are the beef? Who knows? We have the beef. Arby's sandwich. So much beef patty. It's fucking ridiculous. Dude, I could do Arby's commercials.

Arby's. Two buns around some meat and all that stuff in it. Crazy. Arby's. We have the beef don don don don don don arby's the new arby's mustache burger it's got hair in it don don don don don so i don't even know what i was talking about but uh yeah so everything's becoming what it is starbucks has the frilly ashes then what happens starbucks has the frilly

and then coffee bean goes to the stuff you know um but uh yeah i don't know instagram basically is twitter in a way and so is tiktok you just post whatever the hell you want there on it i go to tiktok now i go i upload i look at tiktok i'm not even i don't scroll tiktok i'm on tiktok obviously you could look at my dummy viral videos over on tiktok but i don't even look at tiktok because now half the things on TikTok are just fucking paragraphs. People are just like, you know? When I was 10, I walked in on my parents doing

segs. Because for some reason they won't write sex or drugs. Drugs. So everything's the same dude um and that's fine you know that's fine but uh that's what's up i i uh gotta be honest i am and they got me, dude. Not since Snakes on a Plane did a movie trick me so much than The Flash. Remember with Snakes on a Plane, the marketing for that, everyone was going, oh, it's called Snakes on a Plane.

Oh, my God, Sam Jackson's actually saying the thing that Sam Jackson would say if he was on a movie where snakes were on a plane. I'm going to get these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane. He's actually saying the thing that Sam Jackson would say if he was on a movie where snakes were on a plane. I'm going to get these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane. He's actually doing the thing. Oh, my God. But that doesn't translate into here's $11. I thought it would, but it didn't.

Hype is all hype. That's all it is. Hype is hype. That's all it is. Hype is hype. Everyone was hyping the shit out of The Flash, you know, and the guy, I can't remember his name right now. What's his name?

Elon McGregor. What is it? Ezron Miller. Elon McGregor. But I thought that movie was going to go bonkers because James Gunn was like, this is the best DC movie I've ever seen. People say, this is the best DC movie I've ever seen. Wow, I saw the DC movie, best DC movie I've ever seen. The Flash is now going to lose $200 million, dude.

That's what they project. And it is the biggest superhero office, superhero office, box office disaster of all time and that's crazy dude and that's crazy let me tell you why that's crazy because wonder woman 1984 exists okay and that movie i would you know people say they'd rather watch paint dry i'd rather watch the underside of my own. I'd rather put one eyeball on an anus and one eyeball tucked under some nuts and just have my nose resting on a taint for however long 1984 is. And let's not forget Pedro Pascal is on that too. Let's not forget Pedro Pascal is in that movie.

That dog shit. Don't forget. 1984 is dog shit. And I need to see if everyone's saying Flash is so good. And they go, yo, it's so good. And actually, Elon McGregor is amazing in it because he plays two parts. He's not just red Flash. He's yellow Flash or some shit that they do.

He's also another Flash. He's also a different Flash. He's a young Flash. He's a yellow Flash or some shit that they do. He's also another Flash. He's also a different Flash. He's an old one. He's a young Flash. Dude, too many, okay? I don't like the multiverses shits. Have it all be in one verse. Single verse. That's it.

I'm Chris D'Elia. I don't have another podcast. In Lifeline, I'm not, you know, a buzz cut multiverse. I'm not, you know, a buzz cut multiverse. I'm a single verse. So that's really, you know, I don't know. I just, I don't, I'm not, I'm not into, I'm not into that. So I, so I was like, okay, good. It's going to do well.

And that, you know, look, the movie is going to do well. I know people only give a shit about superhero movies now. And people really want to see Michael Keaton in a cave, even though he needs a cane. And I'm watching this unfold, and it bombs. And it bombs, and it bombs $200 million worth. And I'm like, okay, I get it. They had a bad movie. I think that they actually thought it was going to be good.

Then they aired it, and it turns into, you know, people don't give a shit, I guess. I don't know. I don't know if they'll make number two or make number whatever, three, or make a prequel or change the whole thing. How long is this superhero movie thing going to go, right? I mean, they got fucking Blue Beetle coming out. It's like, oh, yeah, I kind it's like oh yeah I kind of remember that one I kind of remember that one oh you know

they're just making them up at this point now I feel like yeah this was a superhero that would they're writing the comic books now and putting them online and shit like in the 1930s style and then they're like yeah that's the fucking that was it mr hat guy that we're this is coming out now mr hat guy and the mr hat guy multiverse sorry it sounded like my wife was having a party i had to cut a little bit and tell her to be a little bit

quieter um but yeah dude it's just like uh i was shocked that that movie bombed honestly the flash i was really shocked and i'm good at that shit. I always know. Dude, I know when a movie's going to bomb. Remember when they tried to make that Michael B. Jordan, the Michael Basketball Jordan movie with the fucking, where he was a lawyer? And I go, no, Hollywood, we're not doing that.

They're not going to, we're not going to, nobody's going to go see this fucking movie where Michael B. Jordan is going to be a fucking lawyer, dude. If you don't get to see Michael B. Jordan's fucking figure a little bit in the movie, that's it. Nobody wants to see him walk into a fucking brown room with a briefcase. Nobody, dude, wants to see Michael B. Jordan in a fucking suit walk into a brown room with a briefcase with a handle on it.

Nobody, dude. It also still blows my fucking mind his name is Michael Jordan, dude. Michael B. Jordan's name is actually Michael Jordan. That's already the most famous guy. I mean, that's insane, dude. It's insane

that everyone just lets him go? Dude, hey, when he was in Hollywood, people should have been like, yo, there's already a guy like this. It would be like if there was another fucking like a dude, if

there was a chef named Hugh Jackman, people would be like, I'm not going there. He's Wolverine and that's it. It's so weird, dude. Also, when was Michael, when the fuck was Michael B. Jordan born? When was Michael B. Jordan born? Year. 87.

Okay, so Michael Jordan, that was like right when Michael Jordan started playing, right? Jordan, NBA career. When did he start? When does it say he started? Says he was born in 1960. Start playing. Wow. When?

Oh, so 845. He's still somebody, man. They should have known. They should have known. They honestly should have known. They should have fucking known, dude. Really. He was rookie of the year, too.

That's fucking nuts. You know what, dude? That sucks. I mean, it worked out for him in the end. But that, that, that, that, she did it on purpose. Oh, my God. His dad is fucking Michael A. Jordan.

I mean, dude, are you kidding me? This kid's going to, Michael Jordan's going to have a kid that's going to be Michael C. Jordan. Michael D. Jordan. 26 fucking, what do you call it? Cycles. It's going to be Michael Z. Jordan, the German. Jordan. 26 fucking, what do you call it? Cycles. It's going to be Michael Z. Jordan.

The German. Hello. I am here to act in movies. Give me my briefcase. Where is the round room? These fucking movies are out of control. Can anything be really kind of a hit anymore? Oh, you know what i was calling what i was

gonna call indiana jones failure dude i knew it i knew it was gonna be a failure do you know why dude nobody gives a fuck about indiana jones and i'm gonna go ahead and say it indiana jones was always fucking stupid oh shit dude oh he's mad dude I wouldn't get rid of his mat. Dude, Harrison Ford was the shit. He really was the shit, dude. Let me tell you something about Indiana Jones. Way too much brown in it. There's never any other colors, okay? It's too much brown and bad acting. Harrison Ford is the shit. I'm not saying Harrison Ford is not the shit. Harrison Ford is the shit. Harrison Ford is good. Everyone beyond beyond that it's so ridiculous Indiana Jones fucking sucks it's for kids so fine I get it but hold on a second though it's for kids okay so you make the fucking what is it Indiana Jones 5 90 years later the kids

they don't give a fuck who's gonna go see a movie now they all got kids the people my age they're not gonna go they don't give a fuck that much you got to make movies for kids so that's what the marvel shits is doing that's what dc is doing if you're indiana jones living off nostalgia nostalgia fucks everything up dude it fucks everything up i saw a post the other day it was like oh look at the beach in 1970 versus the beach now the beach in 1970 everyone no one tattoos. Everyone was fit and just soaking in sun rays. No cancerous creams putting on each other. It's like, yeah, dude, but fucking everyone died of like other shit.

The life expectancy is better now. You're living off nostalgia. What a nostalgic take. What a nostalgic take that fucking Indiana Jones is going to do well. I mean, why don't you just big up Gregory Peck's body and make it fucking CGI and put it in the... Nobody gives a shit. Dude, Indiana Jones was set to bomb. Harrison Ford's dead.

You got to run., you got to run. Indiana Jones got to run, right? He can't run. And I like Harrison Ford, but, dude, that was just destined to bomb. Know what else is going to bomb? Mark my fucking words. Barbie. Going to bomb, dude.

Nobody gives a shit. Dude, little girls, they don't give a fuck about Barbie anymore. Are you kidding me? Look at all the dope shit out there. And if they do give a shit, they're not going to pay fucking $11. You know how tough it is for people to go, hey, here's $11. By the way, we have fucking merch out there. Chrislea.com.

Go to my website and fucking get that shit i'm heated off of stuff that doesn't really matter but it's okay dude that's how it goes um it's crazy dude hollywood set it up like, like, like, I don't know, people need it or something, but they don't need it. Everything's so splintered. My son was on the, I put my son to bed last night. No, it was two nights ago and he had new jammies on that his Uncle Matt got him. And their skeleton. And, dude, I told you what my kid said last podcast. The shit that he said, man, it's – I don't even have to write in material anymore. My kid goes, Calvin, he says – I said, hey, let me get a picture.

I want to send it to Uncle Matt cause he got you the PJs and he goes like this takes the picture okay flash goes off cause it was dark in his room and my son goes like this watch and learn and just dives head first into his mattress like

where the fuck did he learn watch and learn watch this all day long he goes watch and learn, watch this all day long, he goes, watch and learn, I don't want to learn that, number one, and then I actually did try it, because I want to be like a youthful dad, and that hurts, and he's like, dad, how come you're not falling, and I'm like, buddy, my body is 200 something pounds, right, I'm beefy, dude, did you forget, right i'm beefy dude did you forget did you forget i do deadlifts did you forget um i don't know this shit's out of control dude did you see about this this is crazy right now um

the the thing about the uh let me just pull it up the thing about the, let me just pull it up. This was on a bunch of different, see, now, this is crazy. The mainstream media won't report on this. The only people that report on this is Daily Mail, which is, you know,

but like no actual media would, this is how shitty the media is. So this is this whole trans thing. They keep moving the goalpost. A cancer charity has been accused of dehumanizing women after advising medics to refer to the vagina as a bonus hole. How could you make the actual word vagina less sexy? They had to change the, like, people say, like, you know, we don't say the bad words on here, but P-U-S-S-Y, and, you know,

they go like this, oh, God, yeah, that's so, is it a beautiful fried butterfly? Or, oh P-U-S-S-Y. And, you know, they go like this. Oh, God, yeah, that's so, is it a beautiful fried butterfly? Or, oh, my God, that's a great hatchet wound, whatever. But, like, bonus hole? And they want to use a cancer charity. I mean, dude, they want to say bonus hole to avoid upsetting transgender men. Cervical Cancer Trust features a glossary on its website detailing the correct language that healthcare professionals should use. See, this is the thing.

When you try to make people talk the way you want them to, the correct language that healthcare professionals should use when dealing with trans men, women who identify as men. So that would be a bonus hole for them and not a vagina. Wow, dude. Hey, so wait. OK, so this is trans men. So women who identify as men just happen to have. Oh, that's not a vagina because I'm a man. That's a bonus hole.

It's a vagina. Well, but it not a vagina because I'm a man. That's a bonus hole. It's a vagina. Well, but it's a bonus because I don't use it. Okay, so a bonus for what? I just get to have it. Just like a little bonus there. Women's rights campaign is last week. This is the thing about they keep moving the goal post right and look i don't look at this the fact is women have vaginas it's appalling that anyone would

think reality reality is offensive you think that's offensive then that's your problem they're just losing people left and right i don't you know look if you were to ask me what do i think uh uh do i think a man is born a man and a woman is born a woman? If a man has a penis and a woman has a vagina? I would say yes. Okay. Now, I don't, look, I'm a comedian. I'm not a fucking scientist. I don't know biology. I could be the biggest idiot in the world in that respect. Maybe I'm wrong. I have no fucking idea. It's just what I think. Okay. But the problem is the fact that people think because of me thinking that, that not only should I be shamed into thinking the other way, but I'm creating and perpetuating violence. Now, guess what? I'm thinking it more because that's not a discussion you need to have a dialogue about it

if you don't then you're not going to get anybody over on your side and then keep moving the goalposts keep moving the goalposts until a vagina is a glory hole is a is actually glorious but is a fucking bonus hole

you know what's a bonus hole my asshole I have to shit out of that sucks you think i want to be shitting no but gotta so that's a bonus for me if as a matter of fact if i had any other hole on me, any other hole, I would be like, I hope that's not a vagina. That would be where my mind goes right to. Not, oh, extra hole. Dude, it's just crazy. So, you know, if you want to say that that's conservative, that's conservative.

I don't give a fuck. I mean, they got a, I was just reading the other day, this transgender woman won a competition in like some country beauty pageant for women. And like, it's funny enough for the sports stuff to happen. Like, you know what I mean? Like how trans women will beat the shit out of any other women in sports because they're actually secretly men but dude the fucking it's so funny in beauty passions pageants because those women in beauty pageants are super like still down with oh yeah women are beautiful and i'm beautiful and i don't give a fuck about what like people say about like stop stop shaming me because i want to be like a pin-up girl or whatever the fuck you know or be beautiful in my gown like women can be pretty pretty and that's cool too, you know. Not every woman has to be a fucking man.

And I don't mean that in a trans way. I just mean that women, you know, it's like men and women are different and women who do pageants are cool with being different, right? And so the fact, so they super believe in that shit. different right and so the fact so they super believe in that shit so the fact that a trans woman won that now you see all the other women that are just like yay and they're just in their head it's just like it's just like just fucking just bombs going off and everything we've everything the fuck look how far we came

we've came we got to fucking vote we got to do all this shit we got to have all the jobs we could wear whatever we want and now a fall all for what so a fucking man can win this yeah i'm not saying that's what i'm thinking but that's what they're thinking it's that's what they're thinking. It's 100% what they're thinking. And also, it's what I'm thinking. But it's just so fucking silly, dude. You can't keep progressing. You just can't. You have to stop at some point. Otherwise, the progression goes to regression.

You can't. It's like that movie fucking Family Man with Nicolas Cage or whatever the hell it's called. It was good. It was probably good. And they just kept rewriting it. You know? It's like, stop rewriting the fucking shit, dude. Stop progressing. It's fine.

We did it. And now you got Charlie's Angels fucking... It sucks donkey balls, dude. Because there's 150 writers on it. You already figured it out, dude. It's like the iPhone. What was the best iPhone?

Now it's just like they have to keep changing. They have to keep changing. So everyone's like, oh, dude, yeah, they're evolving. Well, it was already the best, dude. They changed dumb shit on there now. Because they have to. Otherwise, you think they're not evolving. Well, it was already the best, dude. They changed dumb shit on there now. Because they have to. Otherwise, you think they're not evolving. Isn't that crazy?

They got to make little changes. Otherwise, you think it sucks after a while. It's our fault. It's our fault. It is what it is, dude. When I'm having sex with my wife next, I'm going to say, oh, my God, your bonus hole is amazing. Sweetheart. And then she'll say, what?

And I'll say, did you read the article from Daily Mail? All while having sex. What are you talking about? A cancer research group is saying that they should call it a bonus hole instead of a vagina. Oh, yeah. Because of how, oh, yeah. Because of how transgender, offend it offend a vagina offends transgender men oh yeah because trans because transgender men's don't you know they

don't have i mean they they don't want to think they have a vagina even though they were born women oh so they call it a bonus hole i feel so good what So good. What? Oh, awesome bonus haul. I got to go to, I can't wait to get to Vegas. I'll tell you what. I'm so excited to get to Vegas. I got Vegas shows in Vegas soon. I can't wait to go to Vegas.

Go to chrisley.com for the tickets. But I can't wait to go to Vegas because I want to see this fucking sphere that they have. I don't know what it's called. It's like a 15,000 seat arena. It's called the sphere. So I got it right. Pretty much hit the nail on the head. And it has so many LCD screens. It can be an eyeball. It could be the moon. It could be a soccer a soccer ball basketball it could be a bunch of different swirly things i mean it could be so many different things and this thing is so big and it's about time vegas has some shit like this i'm talking about bonkers shit because everyone was talking about how vegas was the shit vegas was the shit and then in the 90s it stopped kind of being the shit because you know everyone was dying in hotel rooms jumping off you know jumping off the fucking you know

killing themselves and jumping then when you can jump off every building in vegas except for the the uh this what was the what's the one the excalibur what's the not at the excalibur luxor because you just jump off at the top and you slide all the way down because it's a fucking pyramid you know fuck this i lost millions oh oh oh well actually we you know that was awesome dude they should charge people for that ride the ride the luxor but anyway um it's about time dude Vegas is back dude this big ass sphere I'm gonna go look at it man you think I won't look at it I'll look at it dude and I'm not talking about from the plane I'm not talking about driving by I'm talking about I'm gonna go to look at it dude i'm gonna stand there through all the rotations and i'm gonna look at it it's gonna be hot as shit but i'm still

gonna do that i'm gonna do it at night because it'll be nice at night but i will tell you dude imagine how many fucking accidents that's gonna cause like straight up like oh look it's a it looks like the earth boom your last words last words are going to be like, a big soccer ball? That's going to be your last words. What's that? What's it becoming? That's going to be the most

spoken last words in Vegas. most spoken last words in Vegas. That Vegas fear looks fucking crazy. But what happens when one or two of those fucking screens go out? You got to fix it. Immediately do it. It's going to look so bad if it's not all there. I'm already pissed about it. I'm pissed.

They shouldn't have done it. You know what? Now come to think of it, that's still going to be something in 10 years. They're going to be like, why did they do this shit? It's all fucking breaking down. I know they got other shit have done it. You know what? Now come to think of it, that's still going to be something in 10 years that they're going to be like, why'd they do this shit? It's all fucking breaking down. And now they got other shit better than it. This is just the first version of it.

Dude, I don't like it. Nevermind, I'm not going to see it. Um, I saw this documentary on, I think it was Hulu, Ashley Madison documentary. Bro, you guys know about Ashley Madison? I didn't documentary on, I think it was Hulu, Ashley Madison documentary. Bro, you guys know about Ashley Madison? I didn't know about, I did know about Ashley Madison. I did not know about the series on Hulu that they have.

And it's still up, the website, Ashley Madison. Ashley Madison is a website that promotes extramarital affairs. Wow, dude, you can download the app on Apple. I'm shocked you can get the iPhone app. This is crazy, bro, that this website exists. Millions of people just like you are looking for a discrete connection. So everyday people like you. Okay, so here's the deal. I mean, this is crazy. Look at the website. When monogamy becomes monotony.

This is so crazy, actually. I've never seen this website. This is crazy to actually look at this. Did you know infidelity is emotional while adultery is physical? Cheating is a nuanced topic and everyone has different reasons for joining a dating site like Ashley Madison. Our members are united in a desire to seek out.

Wow. That is just wild. And then this, so this, so in 2002, look at this, the quote. I cheated on my, this is member experiences. I cheated on my husband to find companionship and to feel happy and alive again. I love how they don't quote the dudes, you know?

I was looking for pussy, Craig. Idaho. Didn't get get it by the way couldn't find really anybody most of the women were fat or fake dude so in 2002 it started they got like you know a few maybe a hundred thousand uh people on it which is a lot. But then by like 2007, they were saying that they had like 60 million or something. Anyway, the dude who was the creator, not the creator, the CEO, I forget his name, something like

Ned Niederlander, went on a bunch of talk shows and was like, yo, this is what it is. And everyone hated him. He was like the most hated guy in the world, whatever. And so someone hacked his shit and exposed everything on ashley madison and exposed everybody they exposed everybody on ashley madison and saying how like uh they gave him a month to defunct the website and the netherlander guy was like no i'm not doing that shit so they exposed everybody people started killing themselves because they were exposed.

They were losing jobs. In fact, they were cheating. And the whole time I'm watching this shit, and I'm just like, man, thank God I was never on Ashley Madison, dude. Crazy, bro. So crazy. crazy bro so crazy so now it's still it's still they they got sued because they were making fake profiles of women because dude when you make a website like this there's one kind of person that are on that's on this these websites dudes and i know women cheat too, but not like this, dude. Women don't cheat. Women don't go look in the cheat. You know what I mean? Women go like this. Wait a minute. I, I, I'm in way

over my head. I, I shouldn't be doing this. They're fixing their shit. I, I, I think it's out of control. They'll say it's out of control before anything even happened we really shouldn't be I know but and I by mistake I think that we held each other's gaze too long I know we were at separate restaurants across the street

but we were looking through the window and I got way ahead of myself I have a they're not even with someone already I've had I'm gonna have a family one day with somebody if i meet them and do dudes go to the shit so they they were like and then and then they made fake profiles for women because they needed more women there was something like something like 65 60 million this is not but it was something like 45 million people on it and like 44.5 million people on it were men okay so it's like all right if 500,000 women are on it which is by the way a lot

of women a lot of women how many of them are hot how many now let me be let me be generous let me err on the side of the positive. Four? You're probably, if you're smart, you're probably like, probably not even four. Hot? Women who go to a website to cheat i mean honestly men who go to a website to cheat ugly pretty safe bet right no job right so then what do you call it they got exposed for the fake profiles and fraud. And then it's like they got sued, but not really because they're still in business. They didn't fuck the company up all that much. Now they boast 65 million members online, which I don't know how true that is. But, dude, hey, no shit you're talking to someone fake on the internet dude i don't i don't know if you the

internet's the kind of thing when it's the kind of thing when you like it's the same idea as when you like found out kevin spacey was gay you know when you if you're talking to someone fake on the internet it's the same thing as it's like someone says oh you're talking to someone fake. That person's fake. You go, oh, yeah, maybe. When you find out Kevin Spacey's gay, you go, oh, yeah, yeah. Right? Like he's not out there just like, I put a sign up right in the front window. Advertisement right in the front window. And all of a sudden, success coming out of the blue.

Right? He's in dope shit like seven. You know what I'm saying? success coming out of the blue right he's in dope shit like seven you know what i'm saying but now when someone says yo he's gay kind of you go yeah oh yeah now that's on you to not know that shit the guys want it to be real so bad you know i was at a strip club once a long long time ago i'm talking about 20 years with a buddy. And this stripper was like, I want to hang out with you, not with me, with a buddy. And he was like, oh, okay. And he was like, wait for me outside.

And he said, okay. And we're waiting outside. And I was like, bro, she's not coming out, man. She's not. And he's like, I know, I know. I'll never forget it. Because he was like, I know, dude, that. Trust me, dude.

I know when someone's lying and she's not lying. And she never came out, of course. And we waited for way too long and fucking drove home afterwards. dude you got had man you got had so anyway there's 65 million people that they say is on assu madison incredible but now they can't get their security was so bad it was so easy to hack apparently in the documentary documentary was pretty fucking good. I had to stop watching it because it triggered me so fucking hard. But the, I am joking. But I did stop watching it because it was, I got really tired.

Because I don't watch stuff late at night. So, anyway, what do you call it? They fucking, what was I going to say? Now, it's got to be foolproof, right? There's no way

that they'll get hacked because it's like going, remember when Jack in the Box killed all those people because they ate a fucking burger? It's like after that it's the safest place to eat. That's when I started eating

at Jack in the Box after they killed a few people. You got to wait, if you have a fast food place, you got to wait until they kill some people because of E. coli and then you can start eating

because they gotta clean their act up right um do you guys kill anyone me at the drive-thru have you guys killed anyone yet no no all right go to the next one. You guys kill anyone? Yes? When? 2014. Yeah, I guess that's good. I'll get a number three. How many people did you kill? Okay, Calvin, you can have some too. Yeah. Speaking of killing people, I heard that the FDA is maybe going to investigate

Logan Paul's Prime Energy drink and the other guy, what is it? KSI. I just followed him on Instagram. I remember KSI when KSI and Logan Paul were going to box and they boxed but beforehand KSI was like, dude,

we have to do like this press conference. Can you please come out and be the surprise guest? And I was like, oh, yeah, let me think about it. And I never got back to him because I was like, what the fuck am I going to say? You wanted me to roast him. I don't like roasting people. Also, I should have never fucking. I remember when I did that thing about Logan Paul.

Fucking years ago, I'm making fun of him. I shouldn't have done that, dude. He was going through enough pain. To be clear, I love Logan Paul. What the fuck is the where'd it go okay prime energy drink FDA is being

because of it I didn't know this but it has five times caffeine as Coca-Cola right is that right is that what it is six cans of coke dude and all I say is this to that dude honestly like being if I'm being totally real, honestly. Hell yes.

Me after five sips of Prime. Hell yes. Yep. A hundred percent, dude. Give me that shit. I'll go on stage. My fucking head will pop off. It'd be like that old Jim Carrey skit when he's playing Michael Bolton and he goes,

Win a man! And his fucking head just explodes. From In Living Color. Dude, awesome. I want all that caffeine. So, I love it. Props to them for making a drink finally with enough caffeine. Finally, right?

I don't have to fucking... Isn't... So here. An influencer-backed energy drink that has earned viral popularity among children is facing scrutiny for lawmakers. Although, if you are fucking 12 drinking two primes, you know? Ooh, that's like 10. That's like 12 Cokes.okes yikes i'm sure it's

got sugar in it too um senator charles schumer called on the food and drug administration is that is he related to uh amy schumer i heard he was although that sounds like something that somebody would say and see if they're related um a beverage brand found by youtube stars logan paul and ksi that has become something of an obsession among influencers yeah it fucking apparently in the uk it's bonkers you can't even get it um they're related amy schumer's dad's cousin that must be why he's so so such a fucking cuck right here on sunday charles schumer called in the drug food the fucking snitch ass motherfucker you know family um

yeah so it was an immediate sensation this is the thing dude the government doesn't want you making a lot of fucking money dude they want to want to control you. This is crazy, dude. God damn it. I sound like a fucking Biden's a lizard. I sound like I'm QAnon, dude. What am I doing? I need to stop. Oh, fuck.

Am I QAnon? I'm QAnon, dude. Fuck that. What's after Q? QR. I'm RAnon. I'm RunOn. I'm Raynon.

I'm RAnon, dude. Fuck that. I'm Zanon. I'm Runon. I'm Raynon. I'm Aranon, dude. Fuck that. I'm Xenon. Xenon. All right, enough, dude. That joke's not funny, and I'm still going, dude. Look at this. A company.

It probably does have the same amount of caffeine as fucking Monster Energy and shit like that, I don't know, I don't know shit, but it's like such bullshit, dude, you know what they're trying to do, they're trying to fucking honestly keep a black man down, and that's terrible, and I mean KSI, not Logan Paul, right, I, I, that's it, it's, it's a race thing, finally, good, it's a race thing. Finally. Good. It's a race thing. Schumer's racist. Uh, I mean, these titles, these fucking titles suspect in 1982, Tylenol poisonings is dead. Dude, that was fucking 50 years ago.

Why is this a headline? Nothing even happened to him. He just died of old age. This is this a headline? Nothing even happened to him. He just died of old age. This is such... Dude, Larry Nassar was stabbed in federal prison? Jesus. Yeesh. Well.

It's two and a half Red Bulls. For five stab wounds, it's worth two and a half Red Bulls? Two and a half Red Bulls. For five stab wounds, it's worth two and a half Red Bulls? Two and a half Red Bulls is one prime. It is a lot more. That's still... Yeah, it's a lot more. That's a lot more.

But whatever it is, dude. If people know. I don't know. I go back and forth on that food thing. It's like, if you're really eating McDonald's... Although, the thing is, it's so fucking affordable. McDonald's is so affordable. Although it's not that.

You can cook, man. If you cook, if you get the food and cook, fine. But the problem is people need to work long hours. They're single moms. They need to pay for healthcare or, I'm sorry, childcare. And then they got to go home. And they don't have the time to cook. They want to spend some time with their kids.

So they go quickly to McDonald's. And the shit is like four bucks for fucking to feed a family of nine. And, of course, everyone knows McDonald's is shit. But, you know, it's like at least the time I am alive, I'll get to hang out with my kids. Wow, this is actually so sad. Great, great, Chris. Comedy podcast. I love the fucking...

Dude, everyone, the fact that they're trying to cancel Jonah Hill here because he literally, the only thing he's guilty of is breaking up with this chick. This is such extreme fucking cuck shit. Jonah Hill's ex,

Sarah Brady, calls him emotionally abusive because he broke up with her dude and everyone's like fuck him he's trying to extinguish her light dude these texts are breakup texts I'm fucking this kind of shit makes me so happy I was canceled so I can say this shit and not be like this is fucking horse shit she leaked She leaked his, first of all, fuck this for leaking the texts. She's obviously heartbroken and whatever, but like deal with it on your own shit.

And look at this taken to our Instagram stories over the weekend. Sarah, who is a semi-professional surfer. Sure. By the way, imagine being a semi-professional surfer, either do it leisurely or be pro, you know it's like you didn't make it all the way then just make it your hobby um screenshots of alleged texas change between herself and jonah the pair

made the romance romance public 2021 and uh the message shared by her showed a contact she'd saved as jonah asking her to remove any photos videos of herself surfing that showed her ass in a thong okay from from instagram so he said yo i don't want you to have your ass out and that's why i'm not so he said i don't want you to have your ass basically what he says i don't have your ass out because i can't that that's not the kind of girl I want to be with. And then she was like, so they broke up. And then she's like, and then she took the, by the way, two years later, right? Or a year later?

I don't even know. This is a warning to all girls. If your partner is talking to you like this, make an exit plan. Love y'all. Call me if you need me. All the posts are removed from my page, she said. He said, good start, but you don't seem to get it but it's not my place to teach you I've made my boundaries clear you refuse

to let go of some of them and you've made that clear I hope it makes you happy he says that one that isn't of your ass she says not a thong but okay as far as other pictures you are in a bathing suit surfing or not he says I'm done there's tons I'm just going far as other pictures you are in a bathing suit surfing or not, he says, I'm done. There's tons.

I'm just going back to the past month. You want to argue and I don't. You're done? What does that mean? I'm just over explaining myself. So he broke up with her. Here we go. Oh, here we go.

This was it. He wrote, plain and simple. If you need surfing with men, boundaryless and appropriate friendships with men, to model, to post pictures of yourself in a bathing suit, to post sexual pictures, friendships with women who are in unstable places and from your wild recent past beyond getting a lunch or coffee or something respectful, then I'm not the right partner for you. If these things bring you a place of happiness, I support it and there will be no hard feelings. These are my boundaries for a romantic partnership. My boundaries with you based on the way. this is what he said and then she posted all these screenshots like he's emotionally abusive dude he just didn't want

your fucking he didn't want to be with somebody and i don't by the way i don't even think what you're doing is wrong i don't give a fuck dude if i had a fucking girlfriend that did that shit do it all day long i don't care i don't think what you're doing is wrong but dude to try and get the mob to come after somebody shaming them because dude this is a breakup he didn't want to be with your ass he didn't want to be with you and he set up a bunch of i don't want to have somebody in my life that dude it's like and now because he said this everyone's coming after him oh fuck him she he's trying to put out her light. He's trying to control.

What happened to fucking he's standing up for what the fuck he wants, dude? If the roles were reversed and a woman did this, everyone would be like, oh, dude. Well, you know, he couldn't respect her boundaries. Dude, it goes both ways. He doesn't want to fucking be with her, period, dude. Maybe he was just literally making all that shit up because he didn't like the way her breath smelled you don't know you don't know dude emojis you clap emoji don't clap emoji no clap emoji dude it's such horseshit dude i guarantee you this motherfucker's having a day

this dude's the least tax the guy made a fucking documentary on Netflix about how important therapy is. You're going to come after this motherfucker? He's an ally. It's so shitty, dude. It's between them two. Now, I'm a huge fan of Jonah Hill. I'm going to every one of his fucking movies, dude. I'm going outside of his house and just watching in his window. And every time I go, $11, dude.

Thanks for the matinee. It's just so fucked up, man. The world is so fucked up, dude. That's not emotionally abusive. It's just a breakup. Who the fuck breaks up? Dude, unless you're... Ah, very nice. Nice to meet you. Ah, very cool. Let's go. We had a time, didn the fuck breaks up? Ah, dude, unless you're... Ah, very nice.

Nice to meet you. Ah, very cool. Let's go. We had a time, didn't we, darling? Ah, here are some parting flowers. And if you did that, it'd be like, he's condescending. He's sarcastic. That's emotionally abusive.

Dude, you just broke up. You know how people are like, oh, but we were supposed to be together forever? No shit, dude. That's why you get into a relationship. How many people get into a relationship, they go, eh, dude, you go all in or you're not. If you don't go all in, you're a piece of shit. Then you're a piece of

shit the other way. So crazy, dude. It's fucking so... People don't know the real story about anything. Obviously, I have personal fucking experience with this shit. But it's like so crazy dude and the same people who see this and they go oh the meat you know the media is taking them

fucking to task and they go oh this is sucks oh that's rough and it's like okay well then just say you believe the media then just say you believe the media because everybody who does this shit they also say oh well we know the media lies oh yeah we don't want to believe in the media what are we fucking idiots and then they see this shit they go oh what a fucking piece of shit you know them just say you believe the media just say you believe the media just say it just say it just be someone who believes me that's fine with that that's fine but don't act like you're one of the people who are enlightened who know this shit didn't mean to be on one but was on one

got some misconnections here well we have one long one actually that I wanted to do and then these dessert skills are older right they're new. Okay. Um, clean, but thread bear washcloth looking for a lady Beverly Hills adjacent. I ha I have a full intent. This is a from misconnections on Craigslist. I have a full intact yet somewhat threadbare washcloth that I'm looking to trade.

As far as washcloths go, it's a pretty standard one that I bought years ago at either Target or Bed Bath & Beyond. It matched the towels. It's descriptive. Did I mention it's blue? Did I mention that it's blue? I was actually picturing it was blue, so that's crazy how I am. I'm just kind of a sucker. I think it's called Royal Blue. Okay, well, you know, do the research and then make the post. But it's getting a bit worn down. I don't want to say worn out because there's still a possibility that there's some good use left in it for the right person.

I mean, you know, it just doesn't suit my needs anymore. Honestly, if you're putting parentheses in a fucking Craigslist post, well, this is the kind of guy who would do it. The person that like has a washcloth for 900 years. Just attention to detail. That said, it may be perfect for someone else. Maybe you use threadbare washcloths for certain activities or chores like automotive stuff or deep cleaning. I personally keep my place rather tight. This is still the post. I personally keep my place rather tidy, but I don't need, I don't really do much work under the hood beyond sometimes checking the oil or jumping a battery. So I have this blue thread bear washcloth that I'm looking to trade for something. Here's a comprehensive list of things and then it says blowjobs. Wow, dude. What?

Walk for that. Honestly, just for that, I'm going to suck that guy's dick. Bro, hit me up. I said I would sleep with dudes. Here we go, man. The Lee is a cuck. That's fucking funny, dude. And then it says do not contact me with unsolicited offers that's great dude

very well written very masterfully written that was like a fucking what's it called an M. Night Shyamalan script oh at the end oh at the end yeah okay I knew it was something I knew something was going on um while we're here

let's just do some deserve it scales here since we got them. Sorry. Oh, no. Motorcycle. Oh, no. Oh, the guy actually said, ouch. Oh, God damn.

He says, ouch. Not even, oh, or ow. Not even, ow, just ouch. Who says the CH if they're actually hurt? The guy fell off a motorcycle, dude. Why was he doing that? I do a few speed wobbles and oh god. Ugh.

Ugh. I've gotten a few speed wobbles on this. Like coming up over hills and stuff. I mean, he's going 50? Super loose. 60? And your grip just like amplified. I mean, he's going 50? 60? Ooh, there was one very quick frame where I saw his feet were in the air,

so that is terrible. Oh, God, that's terrible, dude. That's low on the description, because that's, I mean, he did deserve it, but that's sad. I know, he was talking about doing it and still doing it and knowing it was bad um somebody said thank you for showing us but you didn't have to crash your bike i would have taken your word for it uh dude this is funny then a guy under once my brother was asked to show us

how he accidentally spilled his full plate of spaghetti when he told us to grab a fork, he reloaded his plate and then said to Kishan, read out the event that he poured a second plate of spaghetti. Holy shit, dude. That's great. So demeaning to the guy on the motorcycle to post that after it too. Oh, it's so funny. My son, I put on people falling on YouTube. My son was fucking laughing, bro. I loved it.

They don't get hurt too bad. Rude. Walking up the stairs. Come on in if you got some pussy. What a great shot, dude. That's a fucking, that's a shot, dude. That's a fucking... That's a 10, bro. I mean, that's a 10.

He's so drunk. Wow, it's rare we have a 10 deserve it, Skellies. This woman is filming for some reason going up the thing. Come on in if you got some pussy.

Come on in if you got some pussy. The laugh. And then the door closes and she reopens it. He's on the fucking he's on his ass all the way down a flight of stairs. That is great, dude. That is something that I am absolutely

texting all of my tax groups. That is so great, dude. Come on in if you got some pussy. Ah, what a great one. Ten. What a beautiful ten. Here we go.

Here's another one. Deserve it, scale. Hold on. Oh, shit. Big ass wave oh i know just what that tastes like i mean yeah he yeah he yeah he was just about a second too late A second too late. I mean, I'd say that's a five.

That wasn't too crazy, but wow. That one. I mean, that one. Come on in. We got ten. All right, cool. So that's it. We got the merch.

The Pocket Stay Deep merch with the diving board on it. We got Grow or Die merch. And then my shows are on sale oh dude uh brea and irvine are going to be on sale uh by the time this comes out i believe i got a few dates on brea and a few dates in irvine orange county so um go to chrislea.com for that and if you want to sign up for the Patreon the extended version of this show the uncut the unedited go to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia thank you very much guys 구독과 좋아요 부탁드립니다.