Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 329. The Hatin' Episode

Episode Date: July 27, 2023

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uh tomorrow i'll be in brea california um or the next day friday i'll be a brea california and i got some other brea california dates and charlotte and uh knoxville and little rock arkansas and irvine even i'll be there too and um just uh Nashville is in September 9th Edmonton Calgary Alberta Calgary um auto that's Montreal Hamilton Pittsburgh Cleveland crystalia.com for tickets um and uh without further ado man I don't like when people say that but I said it uh the next episode of Congratulations is now. I was in. We also got the Pocket State Deep merch and we got the Grow or Die merch, which, man, I was in the show.

I did the shows in Las Vegas this past weekend, and I'll tell you, there was a lady there that had the Grow or Die hoodie on, and I was like, that's a true fan, because it was 114 degrees out, and you were wearing a hoodie. So thank you for supporting. But hopefully you didn't get heat poisoning, you know, like Martin Lawrence when he was doing the jogging with the trash bags on his upper body. So, yeah, I did go to Las Vegas, and it was too hot. Dude, it was 150, I don't, 115 degrees. I mean, and you don't,

here's the thing about Las Vegas is, they're like, oh, you don't have to ever go outside. That's that. So it doesn't matter. And you're like, you get there and you're like, ah, you gotta go outside though. Yeah. Cause yeah, I get that. The places are a one-stop shop, but also you want to go to the other places.

And then they say, yeah, but they're all connected. And then you go, oh yeah. And then the one you want to go to the other places. And then they say, yeah, but they're all connected. And then you go, oh yeah. And then the one you want to go to is not connected, right? The only one that's connected is like New York, New York. And you're like, yeah, that's cool, but I don't want to, I want to go to the, I want to go to Aria. And they're like, where's that? And they're like, it's right there.

They point to it, looks so close and it is 19 miles away. So that's cool. So you got to go outside. You got to put on sunblock. So you got to go outside. You got to put on sunblock. And I'm not even Mr. Sunblock. I don't put on sunblock if I don't have to. But you have to there because the sun is close.

The sun's like shaking hands with you, dude. The sun's like your best friend and your worst enemy just right there. And it's just it was so hot. And I had to, man calvin's doing the thing where he's just like pick up pick up pick pick up pick up so i had to walk him everywhere i had to walk with him on my shoulders and we had absolutely awesome sweat dripping down the the armpits which is just absolutely fabulous dude just keeping the sides of my shirts completely wet just absolutely damp and absolutely fabulous. Just so great that it was so damp from the sides of my short shirt and then over into the top of my shorts. Just absolutely fabulous, man. Just having a swamp all over my, my outfit was just absolutely great. And I had the blue palette

going, you know, I had the blue, blue, uh, you know, I had I had the blue shorts. And, you know, I matched the socks one day. Didn't mean to. But, you know, I guess it was subconscious. I was doing a blue palette in Las Vegas. Whatever. I was like, ah, fuck, he did it again, you know. But, yeah, he was having a palette even though it was 114. Oh, sue him.

But, yeah, first day went up $1,500. Next day went down back to zero. The next day it lost three grand. The next day lost two grand. Yes, dude. So he was in the whole five grand, but it was all good because he also spent some money. Uh, and then, so if you tack it on, he would lost even more money. Yes, dude.

Also went to see David Copperfield. Yes, man. David Copperfield, man. Mr. Phone endedin-it-in, huh? So anyway, I'll talk more about that later. But it's just like, you know, Las Vegas is too hot and it's all good. So I'll talk more about that later. But right now I want to talk about Barbie.

I'm pissed. I'm pissed. I'm pissed. They say it made $155 million just in this country. I'm pissed. They say it made over $300 million worldwide. I'm pissed. But what I will say is it's going to have a sharp drop off next week, and it's going to absolutely 100% still bomb.

And everyone is like, well, you can't say it bombed. And I called Barbie. I said it was going to bomb. And I was right, dude. And Barbie is going to bomb. And also here's what I realized about Barbie. It doesn't matter if it's going to bomb. Do you know why? All Mattel wants to do is make toys. That's all they want to do. And they can do that.

They can do that with Ken. They can do that with Barbie. And it's going to make the toy sales go up. I am just so... This movie I am just not into, man. And I'm not seeing it. And I will not seeing it and I will not see it. And I love Ryan Gosling. I think he's great. I think he's a great actor.

And I also think that Margot Robbie's a great actor, okay? And I don't know, man. Remember they were going to make the movie with, what's her name? The terrible, what's her name? Amy Schumer? They were going to make Barbie with her and then they were just like oh wait well what were we thinking? Let's get actually the person who should be Barbie, right?

That would have been absolutely awful. I wish they made it with Amy Schumer. Would have been the worst movie of all time. You know? Literally zero people would have gotten to see it. It would have been an empty house. Amy Schumer really only can do movies

where she does this on the cover of the poster. And you can't do that on Barbie, you know? She has to go like this. Oh God, my life is sideways. Look at me. I try to fit in, but I i can't because of what society says uh so yeah dude you know yeah do i have to eat crow on the bomb thing and the the thing here's the thing dude oppenheimer helped it and i'm gonna i tell you because they branded it together was actually very smart of them i how did it do it? How did they do it, dude?

Barbie was so set up for fail, and it's going to. It is going to, dude. But it doesn't matter, because they're just trying to sell toys. Oppenheimer, I'm still going to see. Until I realized, dude, here's the thing about these movies, man. If you don't see them opening weekend, I don't fucking want to see them. You know? And I don't want to even go opening weekend.

But here's the thing. I get into the hype. I'm like, cool. I want to see it. I want to see it so bad. I don't want to even go opening weekend but here's the thing i get into the hype i'm like cool i want to see it i want to see it so bad i'm not going to go opening weekend opening weekend happens and then before you know it i'm like i'll wait till it comes out at my house on on apple tv or uh whatever it is uh uh the rental thing and then by the time that happens i'm like i'll just watch a movie about a killer crocodile instead. You know? I don't care that much. I don't care that much. Like, do I really want to sit and watch a movie where there's, you know, where it's three hours long about, and it's only guys talking in buildings and shit?

You know, that's what Oppenheimer is. There's going to be one scene where the bomb happens. And besides that, there's going gonna be guys talking in fucking rooms so you know oppenheimer and barbie they're doing great i think oppenheimer is gonna do very very well i think barbie's gonna have a sharp drop off mission impossible had a sharp drop off dude because it was because of the you know mission impossible was that was gonna be the shit and then had a sharp drop off. And that's too bad because I love Jeremy Renner. But who knows, man?

A lot of people watch Mission Impossible. That's a good franchise. But Tom Cruise, man, this is the thing, man. You got to be. I don't like these celebrities that are just like everything's great. Everything's hunky dory. I'm going to do everything. You know, they interviewed Tom Cruise.

Did it. I talked about it last podcast. You know, I took some clips, went out there, went stupid viral, me just making fun of the shit, you know? And yeah, dude, I just... Ryan Gosling and Margot Robbie can't do no wrong, though. They could make a movie called, like, The Shit Chronicles, and Ryan Gosling could play literally a fucking piece the shit chronicles and uh ryan gossling

could play literally a fucking piece of shit coming out of an asshole and they would be like and the academy would be like dude we got to consider it we got to consider it right his acting stillness dude stillness um but yeah i don't know i was i want to see you know what i want to see sound of freedom dude can't wait to see this movie with jim caviezel i already talked about this last time but i can't wait to see uh sound of freedom because um i gotta see jim i didn't know jim caviezel actually believes that people drink adrenochrome is that what it is called adrenochrome. Is that what it is called? Adrenochrome? The blood of children to become younger.

I hate craze. It's all good. I hate craze. It's all good. It's all good, man. Hey, man. Hey, man, you were in frequency. So it's all good, man.

You know? Hey, dude. Oh, shit, man. Yeah, you were in frequency. Dude, I can't wait to see Sound of Freedom, though, because it's awesome. I think it's so bullshit that the media is trying to fucking bury it because they think it pushes QAnon theories. I don't care anymore. Push QAnon theories. I am QAnon.

But yeah, dude. But Jim Caviezel, dude, the second you start talking about how, you know what I mean? Hollywood stars are drinking Adrenochrome from children's blood. Hey, man, just remember you you're on frequency, okay? So it's all good, man. Hey, dude, real quick, you're in a movie with Dennis Quaid called Frequency. So it's all good, man, dude. Don't even worry about it, man. So don't even worry about that, man.

I was in Vegas, and it was 115 degrees. And wait, before I even want to talk about that, there is a festival in Detroit that happens every year. Oh, this is great, dude. Oh, I can't wait to post this as a clip. Oh, it just got me. Oh, it just got me.

It just got me, Odell. Dude, there's a festival in Detroit. And I'm going to tell you right now, I have no idea what it's about. No idea. I have zero clue what it is. I still don't know. I think it's like a bizarre thing, and I don't mean like, whoa, what the hell is that? You know, bizarre, like, that's a weird thing.

It's like in the traditional sense, it's like a bizarre where people are, they don't put, in bazaars, you know, they don't put masks on. They just like hold the mask on with their fucking thing, their little you know uh stick whatever it is but there's a festival in detroit apparently they have it every year i have no idea um about it up until three two days ago i am going to be in detroit october. Get your tickets at the Jack White Theater, chrisley.com. I guess that week or something is usually reserved for some thing, some festival. Okay? So I booked this show in Detroit, Michigan.

I don't know, three months ago? Two days ago, I get an onslaught of messages. Fuck you, dude. You're destroying jobs in Detroit. You're hundreds of people are banking on this. You're ruining hundreds of thousands of dollars in our Detroit economy because of fucking you. And I see all these comments and I go, huh? The lowly comedian goes, huh? Hey, you're taking our date that we have every year.

Our economy thrives. And I go, huh? They say you're ruining it. And I go, huh? I do a little bit of research. Still can't figure out what's going on. People are just slaughtering me in my comments. You piece of shit. Cancel the date now, they're saying. I got comments, DMs. Chris D'Elia, cancel the date now. And I, now, you know what it is now. And now you know what it is now.

Oh, you know what it is. You know what it is when people come at me like that. I go like this. No. I don't even know what's going on, by the way. See, here's the toxicity of our city, of our city. Dude, you got to have a dialogue. Come at me regular.

Hey, did you know that there is a festival that's now not going to happen because, and by the way, dude, it's not going to happen because of me. If it sold well, and if it was the shit, like you say it is, it would still be there. You know why? You know why I do it? Capitalism. That's why. I'm going to sell the shit out. I don't know what, I don't even know what the fucking thing

is every year. I don't know what it is. The theater goes like this. Yeah. Chris D'Elia come perform. I say, okay. And now three months later, oh, they're not having the, I can't hold my mask up like this and throw a fucking beanbag at a target and make a guy with, you know, puffy pants fall in a fucking dunk tank. All right, dude, don't come at me like that. Don't come at me like that. I don't give a shit now.

Whoops. Ah. I done now. Don't give a shit. Had you said, I want you to understand something. If these people sincerely asked me and said, man, I'm really heartbroken. This sucks. Like, you know, usually we do this and that I would have actually investigated it. I would have actually asked my people about, Hey, you know, usually we do this and that. I would have actually investigated it. I would have actually asked my people about, hey, what is this? I don't want to ruin this shit. But now, all good. I'll be there.

It's not how it works, dude. Don't push me. That's what I say. So now, can't wait to perform in Detroit. Can't wait to roast you. Fucking cucks when I'm there. I'm coming out like this with one of these. And big pants with the fucking shitty Argyle socks.

Hello, welcome to the Chris D'Elia show. Grab your seats. Settle in for a dark tale. And then I'm just going to fucking talk about like shitting myself in cell phones. Like my whatever my act is, you know. That's a disrespect, dude. That kind of shit. Cancel your show now.

By the way, everyone who wrote me was like a cartoon avatar. It's just so fucking like go fuck yourself, dude don't know about this i don't know about this it's not my fault and me and another comedian was another night i don't even know the guy but it was like it was like you and you cancel the show and i go like this fucking hell no dude i'm gonna start a tour with that other comedian and i'm just gonna run every every year same year it's gonna be the crystalia Festival now in Detroit. So thank you very much. Nice to meet you.

All good. Thank you very much. Nice to meet you. Anyway, buy tickets for the Detroit show. October 21st. It's almost sold out. And I guess your shit wasn't going to be. I don't know.

Otherwise, it would be there every year. So that's all good. Great. Now, more reason for people to hate me. All good. More reason for people to hate me. All good. You can't win anyway, so it doesn't matter.

So I'm just like, Toss a coin to your witcher. More reason for people to hate me. All good. More reason for people to hate me. All good. You can't win anyway, so it doesn't matter. So I'm just like, toss a coin to your witcher. Oh, valley of plenty. Oh, valley of plenty. Toss a coin to your witcher. Dude, you watch The Witcher? That show fucking sucks, doesn't it, man? You know what?

I'm not even hating, man. What's going on? I watched five episodes of that. What's going on, huh? Hey, man. Sko-ing on. I watched five episodes of that. Sko-ing on, huh? Hey, show. Sko-ing on. Hey, show. How about color in it, huh? Everything's fucking a version of gray. Sko-ing on, man. Hey, dude, how about this? Henry Cavill? No, dude. With the long gray hair? Hey, sko-ing on. Dude, I can't even believe that show, dude, that show, it makes no sense, scone on, dude, The Witcher is, first of all, dude, what is, A Witcher is a guy who apparently fights beasts for money, which they call coin, okay? All right, all good.

But also, hey, pick a different name because a witch is a chick, and now he's just a witcher. That's like calling a guy Barbie Man or something. It's so bitch, okay? It's so bitch. It's like calling a guy Mr. Betty Boop. Hey, leave it for the chicks. You're not a witch.

Have a different name, all right? Like, you know, Voldemort is cool, but that's taken. So witch-er, bitch. And then also, dude, Henry Cavill, he's an okay actor, and I stand by that, dude. The only time he was ever Oscar-worthy is when he cocked his biceps in the last Mission Impossible shit, okay, and when they CGI'd his mustache on the, when they CGI'd over his mustache for the reshoots in the Superman movie, because he was shooting Mission Impossible already, and they wanted to reshoot the movie for DC, and they had a scene, and Mission Impossible was like, no, he can't shave, he needs to be having this mustache for the actual rest of the film, filming of the movie uh

uh mission impossible and so dc was like well we'll just uh uh cgi it out was that zach snyder who did that shit and it looked like fucking utter trash dude and i loved it oscar and the oscar for worst cgi goes to superman and batman or whatever the fuck that movie was. Superman vs. Batman. I don't know what it was. But dude, The Witcher episode 4 at the end, I'm like, I think maybe I understand what's going on or I'm not sure and then all of a sudden

somebody starts floating for no reason and becomes someone else and I go like this. Can't. I just... These fucking... And it's a video game dude video game it's i get the ip the intellectual property is you know it's so successful people are going to watch it anyway but god damn dude that show sucks donkey balls and it's all good but i'll tell you what is absolutely the shit the song and i'm not bullshittingitting. I never thought I'd like a song

with a mandolin, ever, in my life. I never thought I'd like a song with a mandolin. And this shit bangs. He goes, Toss a coin to your witcher, O valley of plenty, O valley of plenty,

O, toss a coin to your witcher, dude, your witcher. Dude, you're a witcher. Like we each have one. I don't know, man. What shows are good? I have no idea. I haven't really seen a fucking good show in a while. I saw David Copper.

Oh, this is the Hayden episode, man. Fuck. I guess. What do I love? I got to start talking about things I this is the Hayden episode, man. Fuck. I guess. What do I love? I got to start talking about things I love. I don't know, man. I woke up one day in Vegas, and my wife is like, guess what? I said, huh.

And she said, going to David Copperfield tonight. I go like this. Oh, for fuck's sake. Inside, in my brain, that's what I do and i say oh cool she said yeah got eight tickets and i go oh for fuck's sake everybody's coming yeah oh so i'm like great down another g so i'm, David Copperfield, though, kind of synonymous with magic. So I'm like, OK, cool. I'll watch. Kind of was excited about it, to be honest. Also, it didn't have to be in 115 degree heat. Then I Googled David Copperfield. Dude, he's worth a billion dollars. Hey, how? He's worth He's a billionaire. Hey, how? It's not real. It's not actually happening, okay?

But you know what I mean? He's a magician. It's all fake. We all know it. Hey, he's a billionaire. That's insane to me. What he is doing is bullshitting and he's a billionaire for that. That's crazy. I don't, I think magicians are like, I like Justin Willman. Is that his name? He's good because he's like doing the shit and it's like kind of funny and cute and shit. Like there are cool, but the second it's like, they're like, Like there are cool, but the second it's like, they're like, like, all right, buddy, we know it's not happening. Stop with the eyebrow shit. There was one part where David Carfield goes like this at the end.

He just, at the end of a trick, he literally goes like this. And I was like, dude, cool it. He goes one time he went like this and then went like this. Twice, dude, like he was so mighty. Dude, he's 66. And it is, eh, se, phoning it in. Dude, it was unbelievable. Dude, he comes out.

I was like, hey, I'm David Caulfield. So I was born at the time. When I was born, I had a dinosaur, a little toy dinosaur, and I rolled around with the dinosaur. I was in every picture. He shows pictures of him holding the dinosaur when he was a little kid, and they're all Photoshopped. And immediately you're like, oh, these pictures aren't real, dude. And I had one gold tooth. And I was like, I always wanted to have this.

And you're just like, what's going on, dude? And then he does some tricks where you're like, okay, I maybe see how he does it, but I don't know how he did it really. And then he pops a balloon in another balloon. And that is amazing. To pop a balloon in another balloon is fucking amazing. All right? He just has a balloon in another balloon, stares at it. The balloon on the inside pops.

The balloon on the outside does not pop. Now, that was my favorite trick. Did he make a UFO appear out of nowhere? Yes. Did he make a Tyrannosaurus Rex appear out of nowhere? Yes. Okay. Did he make a guy disappear in the crowd? Yes. Everyone thought that those were the best tricks. Dude, no. I only want the subtle shit because that's the shit I can't explain. Somehow, dude, he made a whole fucking alien ship appear, man.

He made a whole fucking alien ship appear above us and everyone goes, whoa! And I'm like, yeah, but they probably have a propeller or drones and obviously came from the stage. But dude, popping a balloon inside another balloon? Do all that sort of shit all the time. But yeah, but this shit though, where you're just like,

I'll never tell. And it's like, okay then, you know, then just do it, you know. Then just don't tell us. And just, it's like, but a billionaire? All magicians should make $90,000 a year. Period. That should be, it should be like,

that's the cap for the magicians league. You cannot make more than $90,000. How many of them would still do it for the love then, huh? I admire David Copperfield, though. I really do because, man, he's 66. He married Claudia Schiffer, first of all, who is like one of the hottest babes of all time. And then, you know, he got divorced, obviously.

So is she like a 500 millionaire or what, dude? I don't know. But this guy does. He's 66. He did three shows on a Saturday. Eh, seh, phoning it in. So I was like, well, he must be loving it. And then I watched and eh, seh, phoning it in.

So I'm like, why does he keep doing it? Anyway. God bless, dude. I love it. David Copperfield's cool. I want to meet him. Magicians are fucking weird, huh? Vegas is weird, right?

Vegas is so weird. I was in Vegas, right? Obviously, you know this, and then I'm chilling, and so many people come up to me in Vegas, you know, because they're drunk, and they're just like, whoa, dude, what's up, man?

Hey, I watch your podcast or whatever, and this one dude comes up to me i'm sitting because david sullivan was there and of course he like put a hundred hundred dollar bill in like a slot machine to have credits and then it broke and then he had to call somebody and they came and like opened up the whole thing and he's like man my dollars all my hundred dollar bills all caught in there. We got to wait for them to open it up. They opened it up and shit.

And so I'm sitting there with him. And some dude, I see as I'm walking over, I see some dude walk by me. And let me just say something. You're not slick, okay? I know when you know it, notice me, all right? It's like a hot chick, right? They just walk into the Starbucks and fuck up the room

and everybody's like, oh, let's not look at her. She knows what's going on, all right? It's like a hot chick, right? They just walk into the Starbucks and fuck up the room, and everybody's like, oh, let's not look at her. She knows what's going on, all right? Now, I'm not saying everybody knows who I am. They don't, but when somebody does, I can usually tell, all right? So this guy is dressed in all white, which, all right, it's fine because of how you're in Vegas, but you could tell this guy dresses in all white period just outside of Vegas, which is crazy. All right. Super tall, lanky dude. I see him walk by. I see him clock me. I walk over to David, sit down and he's telling me about this whole a hundred dollar deal or deal. And the guy walks up to me again and I see him because he's wearing all white, right at the corner of my eye. Okay. I'm not a hippo, but i see him and he comes up to me and he stares at me

and he stares at me for a few beats with his hands in his pockets and he's like this and i stare back and i don't play that shit okay i don't play that shit i stare back Okay? I don't play that shit. I stare back until you speak. I don't break gaze. It's going to be weird, but it's going to be more weird for you. All right? The only way you can beat me with that

is if you're on drugs. This guy was on some kind of drug apparently because I stayed staring at him while he was going like this for god it was nine seconds it was so uncomfortable and then I finally go like this hey what's up and he says so awesome dude and I said oh yeah he said so awesome, dude. And I said, oh yeah. He said, so awesome. So cool, man. So cool that you're here. I mean, just experiencing this is amazing. And I'm like, oh fuck. And he says, just absolutely. I mean, so talented. And I'm like, oh, well, thank you, man, thank you, and then he says, such grace,

and I say, oh, yeah, and he says, yeah, man, seriously, and then I say, well, I appreciate you, man, and then he just goes like this, and I'm like another guy walks up to me and says are you who I think you are and I'm like guys I don't know who you think I am because I thought I recognized you

is this guy the comedian and the other guy's like yeah man it's him and I'm like guys I'm here you know? And then the guy who walked up second says, oh, man, it's cool to see you. Had a cigar that was, it was like, hey, bro, that's done. It was so tiny and just like, he was like, what's up, dude? And I was like, Hey man, like these guys were acting like I wanted to be in this conversation. It was unbelievable. One guy was on

like Molly or whatever. And the other guy was just a cock. Okay. And he was just like, what's up, dude? And he was wearing a polo shirt and shorts, dude. It was 1 a.m. And he says, and he's smoking a cigar. And he says, what's up, dude? And I was like, hey, man. And he says, man, yeah, you're really funny. I said, oh, cool. And he says, yeah, I'm an actor, but I'm mostly model. And I said, oh, well, of course, like he's handsome, right? I don't know if he heard me or not and then he says yep i said well that's cool he says it's a fucking grind man i said oh yeah what is and he says acting man i work my ass off dude all i've said so far in this conversation to either of these guys is,

oh yeah. Oh, oh yeah. And these guys are having a full on conversation. Like we're the second hour in a Joe Rogan podcast. Okay. He says, yeah, I worked my fucking ass off. I said, oh, well, that's good. And he said, yeah, uh-huh. I work hard. And then a beat goes by. I look at the man in white. He's still just looking at me like this. And then the actor model guy says, only 25 people have gotten to my level. And I go, well, now I'm in. And I said, oh, shit. He said, yep. I said, well, what level is that? And he explains to me that he got into a school of acting that only 25 people got in.

And he was one of them and i said oh well that's really cool and he said yep and next month i'm going to an expo in dallas you failed. You know? But I just said, oh, that's cool. An expo in Dallas, huh? That's it. Swag, first of all, an expo in Dallas.

I mean, I don't know what the fuck. It's an acting thing. Also, Dallas isn't the hotbed for young new actors. I don't know. Then my buddy Sam was like, buddy, this guy over here young new actor. I don't know. Then my buddy, Sam was like, buddy, this guy over here wants a picture. And I was like, oh yeah, come over. And the guy who wanted the picture was like, oh dude, I don't want to interrupt you. I said, interrupt me. You're fucking saving me. So I took the picture of a bro. Holy shit, man. Vegas is so weird. The only place, the only places where those types of things happen are either Vegas or New York in like the middle of the day,

or if you're at a nightclub in LA, that's it. It doesn't happen anywhere else. Period. Um, and then we started gambling. I started going on craps or not crap sorry i played roulette a little bit first and this dude was this handsome dude who was like 54 just betting thousands of dollars each roulette like i'm talking about there was like there were like spins that had 10,000 of his dollars on the board. And he was just like, what does it matter? What does it matter? You know, what does it matter? What does it matter? He kept saying. And I was like, well, yeah, he's like, it doesn't matter. You put this here, you put this there. It doesn't matter. He's telling me. And he starts telling me jokes, like jokes you'd read from a book. But here's what happened. He goes like this. He puts a $5,000

chip on three. Okay. He's got a one in 37 chance of turning this into $180,000. Okay. Or whatever it is. So he puts it on three. The thing's spinning. Right before the dealer says, no more bets, the dealer, or whatever you call him, because he's not dealing anything really, takes the chip and he says, I don't think you really want to make that bet, do you? Tosses it off back to the guy,

and then the fucking ball lands on three. Okay? So the guy says, what the hell did you take that off for? And the guy says, well, I didn't think you really wanted to bet on it. And he says, well, that's why I put it there. And he says, nah, well, it doesn't, you know, it wasn't there. So we can't pay you. And the guy's like, I put it on there. And then he says, get the pit boss because this guy's owed $180,000. The pit boss comes by and is like, what happened here? We explain.

And the pit boss says, no, the maximum bet here is $500. So that bet is void anyway. You're getting nothing. And then David Sullivan was there and he says, no, man, I saw it. That's not fair. He put that chip there. He should get that money. You should at least give him the $500 bet, which is 18 grand. Okay?

And the pit boss says, this has got nothing to do with you, to David Sullivan. And David Sullivan says, yes, it does. I was a witness. And I was like, that was actually pretty dope. It was a witness. It doesn't have something to do with that. So the pit boss leaves to make a call. I don't know what he called, like Jesus Christ or something. I don't know who is above in the pit boss leaves to make a call i don't know he called like jesus christ or something

i don't know who above is above in the pit boss but he's on the phone for fucking 15 minutes and i'm chilling we can't do anything else so we're just the spanish guy starts saying like like just he was so from a goddamn movie it was unbelievable first of all waiting to see if he's gonna get eighteen thousand dollars cool as cucumber, betting thousands and thousands of dollars, and says, a guy walks into a bar. And I was like, dude, are you kidding me? Like, are you kidding me right now? A guy walks into a bar. He opens up the box, says to the bartender, what do you think's in this little box?

Tells me some sorts of joke. And I'm like, oh, yo, dude, we're not doing this. Now I got to pretend to let me your jokes tells me a joke it's fine you know it's a written joke he obviously read it somewhere and we were like oh yeah that's funny yeah and david sullivan under breath says i heard that one man so i was like oh yeah okay cool next one it was a sunny does, does another joke, second joke, and he says, I'm sorry man, but I'm just waiting,

biding time, I'm really sorry that all this is happening, and I said, it's okay man, he says, what do you guys do, I said, well we're all comedians,

and he says, oh no, he gets embarrassed, because he's telling the fucking jokes, it's hilarious, the pit boss comes back, and says, okay,

we'll give you the $18,000, so this dude just makes $18,000 off, at the one hand, right, and then says, okay, we'll give you the $18,000. So this dude just makes $18,000 off of the one hand, right? And then says, thank you guys for being with me and actually having my back and shit. I want to come to your show tomorrow and I want to take you all to dinner.

So we did. We went to dinner with a guy named Emmanuel who is Spanish. And it was fucking so good, dude. And that shit is Vegas. It was so gangster. I loved it. At least there's the two types of people in Vegas.

You know, there's the fun. Vegas is nuts, dude. Look at this, Tom Cruise. Hold up. There we go. Here's Tom Cruise. I love my popcorn. Movies, popcorn.

This is staged. I love my popcorn. Movies, popcorn. Dude. I love my popcorn. Movies, popcorn movies popcorn hey guy you're fabricated dude i don't dislike tom cruise i love tom cruise all the scientology shit is very fucking weird though why does like why is that okay you know it's so fucking weird that he's such a big star and the Scientologist and like Scientology is so fucked up. And the media is just like, so what do you feel about it?

Barbie? Like. Ask him where Shelly Miscavige is or whatever the fuck that lady's name is. So, Tom, do you do your own stunts? Hey, he's a Scientologist. All questions should be in that realm. So what's the weird thing about fucking not being able to leave or you guys got your own underwear or what's the deal? They got blackmail on you.

The guy can't say shit, dude. Now he can't be him. This is my nightmare. I love my popcorn. Movies, popcorn. Dude. I love my popcorn. Also, if you're going to fabricate this shit,

at least take half the popcorn out. Make it look like he's actually eating. He's eaten some. It's so mounded up, dude. You know, after that, he got up and he was like, all right, so what's the next interview? God, dude. It's creepy. It's downright creepy actually and i love tom cruise but like it's just so fucking weird scientology is just what the fuck dude any religion that's like really really really

hardcore what the fuck but i don't know anything about it to be really honest with you. So, and also I guess Jamie Foxx is okay, but he was fighting for his life a little bit. I think to everybody is pray man and send me messages. I cannot even begin to tell you, um, how far it took me and how, how it brought me messages. I cannot even begin to tell you, um, how far it took me and how, how it brought me back.

Um, uh, I went through something that I thought I would never, ever go through. Uh, and I know a lot of people were waiting, you know, or wanting to hear updates, but to be honest with you, I just didn't want you to see me like that, man. You know, I want you to see me laughing, having a good time, partying, cracking a joke, doing a movie, television show. I didn't want you to see me with tubes running out of me and trying to figure out if I was going to make it through. And to be honest with you, my sister, Deidre Dixon, my daughter, Corinne Marie, saved my life.

So to them, to God, to a lot of great medical people, I'm able to leave you this uh video i cannot tell you how great it feels to have your family kick in in such a way and y'all know they kept it airtight they didn't let nothing out they protected that was crazy actually what i hoped that everyone could have and i can't believe they kept it under wraps now you know by being quiet sometimes things you know get out of hand people saying what i got some people said i was i was blind but as you can see uh as you can see the eyes are working eyes are working just fine uh he said i was paralyzed i'm not paralyzed uh but i did go through i went to hell and back, and my road to recovery had some potholes as well. Damn, dude.

People are like, I love how people are just so disrespectful and like, yeah, they cloned that. They cloned that fool. Like, this guy almost died, and there's literally people out there like, yo, that's a clone, man. Look, his eyes are further apart. They fucked it up.

That's a clone, man. They fucked up the first two versions that's why it took so long and then this is the third this is jamie foxx three um it would be great if he was like man i went to hell and back and just a beam of light came out of his fucking mouth and you were and that's how we realized that we were under attack. Oh, hell yeah, that would be amazing. I'm coming back. And I'm able to work.

And then also some people are like, oh, this is PR for his new movie, which is just like, just so disrespectful. The guy almost died, you know? Oh, the people that let me work. And I just want to say that I love everybody and I love all the love that I got yeah that's cool

and man you know I know they talk about people crying on videos you know you can do take two but yeah that's true that's crazy here's honestly for real i'm being honest this is how this is tom cruise watching that video movies look at this comment not into into Scientologist, TBH.

I have avoided his movies for over a decade. Cool, man. You're really sticking it to him. Guy's a fucking trillionaire. Wow. God, Scientology is so fucking weird, man. What's this here? Oh, this is my favorite when people alienate fans. Fucking weird, man. What's this here?

Oh, this is my favorite when people alienate fans. Doja Cat shits on fans, slams kittens nickname, grow up, get a job. I guess that's what her fans are called, kittens. Is that right? Doja Cat appears to be opening up a can of tough love on her staunchest fans rebuking a pet name they've given themselves and i mean that is so fucking dorky to be calling yourself kittens dude like for real i mean we call ourselves babies but that's fucking badass the rapper singer has been getting some side eye from a loyal supporters over there my fans don't name themselves shit if you call yourself a kitten or fucking kittens

that means you need to get off your phone get a job and help your parents with the house i mean dude biting the mouth that friggin feeds you um what is this shit the rapper singers begins uh it all appears to have come to a head this weekend when she shot down a term a lot of them use which is kind of in the vein of nikki minaj stands dude women the only person that doesn't, women fucking hate women. You know what I mean? Like, even if they don't know, they see a woman doing better than them or coming up and they go, fuck that bitch in their head. And then they say, hi.

This is the worst part about women is that they fucking hate women, dude. I'm generally speaking, generally speaking. Um, but also does it get, it's obviously crazy. So,

um, I just, it's so crazy how women do that shit. They'll tear you the fuck down. Doja Cat's cool though, man. She's a fucking huge singer, huh? Bro. This shit.

I can't believe this happened the other day. Dude, David Sullivan doesn't eat cheese, okay? He doesn't eat dairy because he says, I'll shit my pants, man. I don't want to do it to you. David Sullivan, my friend,

if you're new to this podcast. And he says, so he's over one night and we're eating. We're going to, I say, let's order burgers. And so I postmates a burger place that I want. It's me, one of our friends, and David, okay? And David's the kind of guy who, anybody who makes any sort of amendments on food, I'm like, all right, dude,

just get it the way they want you to get it. They figured it out. Stop it with the fucking, the Postmates with the, ooh, ooh, but no onions, but substitute fucking pickled onions, and you're just like, oh, fuck. No.

What do you want? What do you got here? If I want to make something, I'll make it at home. You know? So I look, i pick the burger and i say what do you want and he says oh you can just give me what you get but actually let me just actually change it because i want to get no cheese and no mayo because i don't get i don't get i don't eat dairy and we'll be watching a movie and i don't want to be

fucking blasting you to Mars. And I'm like, then get something completely different. Because you know why? Because they're going to fuck it up for me. You know what I'm saying? Right? You know what I'm saying? If you order one thing and then you order the other same thing,

but it's a little bit amended, they're going to make them both that way and I'm not going to get my party going. For me. My shit's going to come mayo-less and cheese-less. And he was like, man, come on, man. I want to get the burger. So I was like, dude, okay, okay, fine.

But if it comes fucked up and if my shit's fucked up, dude, look at me. And I made him look at me. I said, you better not fart. Right? You better better not fart. Right? You better not fucking fart. Because it'll be worth it if you don't fart. If my shit comes like how a communist gets it. I don't even know.

Do hamburgers exist or do you just get a cheeseburger without cheese? Who the fuck eats a hamburger? That's crazy, dude. To be like, like like have you even seen hamburger on a menu since 1981 that's like russian or something so i ordered the thing and our friend jerica is like oh uh i'm gonna get one a different burger hers is regular with cheese and shit but not the one I got. But David got the one I got without the cheese and not the mayo. Mayo's cool

because I got mayo. If that doesn't come, okay. If the cheese doesn't come, I'm fucked. Right? So the burgers come. Jericho gets the food, brings it up, checks the burgers. Ladies and gentlemen, we have two burgers that David Sullivan would like.

We have no burgers Chris D'Elia would like. Ladies and gentlemen, we have two mayo-less and cheeseless burgers, and Jerrica got hers the way she wanted. Ladies and gentlemen, David Sullivan better not fucking wanted. Ladies and gentlemen, David Sullivan better not fucking fart. Ladies and gentlemen, here lies two fucked up hamburgers before you. And thank God they're from a really great high-end burger place. Otherwise, Chris D'Elia would be so fucking goddamn mad that he would get an ulcer

because at least it'll be good without the cheese because it's a high end place. So I'm like, you know what, dude? God damn it, motherfucker. I told you, dude. And then Jericho's like, dude, you got white American cheese. You could just heat it up and put it. I'm like, dude, dude, dude, dude. Everything's got to be the same temp.

If it's different temps in the fucking layers, what am I doing? It's not dessert. You can't get a brownie heated up with also ice cream on it you can do that for dessert but this is a burger so i go give me the fucking thing start the goddamn movie i'm i'm just i'm gonna eat it i guess i'm gonna pretend it has cheese on it i'm eating the fucking burger it's still kind of of good, but I'm so pissed off. I shit you not, dude. We're halfway into act one.

Bro, David Sullivan farted so loud, I thought a boat was docking. It was so... Dude, it was so, it was so, dude, it was one of those, like, and I, and I go, oh, come on, and I didn't get the cheeseburger, that's what I say, and bro, it was so maddening, I said, well, well, then what the fuck, you said it was dairy. He said, dude, he said, oh no, man, it must've been a little mayo on that or something, bro. Pow to the moon. Now I got to watch the fucking movie all the way over on the other side of the

couch. And he's lighting them up. He's just lighting them up. And I say, dude, keep them inside. And he says, nah, man, that's bad for you, dude. And then I say, no, it's just lighten him up, and I say, dude, keep him inside, and he says, no, man, that's bad for you, dude, and then I say, no, it's not, it's fine, and then Jericho says, actually, it's bad for you, and I go, oh, all right, you know what, you had your cheeseburger, you're happy, why don't you pipe down, it's not bad for you to keep your farts in, man, and I read an article where it's like, it is kind of bad for you, but it's not, though, man, like, what is it, take your life expectancy down, no, what, do you get a tummy ache, what, does it go back up for you, but it's not, though, man. What is it? Take your life expectancy down? No. What, do you get a tummy ache?

What, does it go back up in you and you fucking burp? You burp later. That's what happens. I cannot believe that that happened. And that's the kind of shit that's the worst kind of shit. Oh, no. This guy farted. This is what made me think of it. This guy farted.

This guy farted while he swang the golf club? While he swung the golf club? I'm pleased to announce that Francesco Molinari just farted when hitting his first tee shot. Come on. Are you real? It's real? Dude, that's cheating. He got propelled.

No, they're clapping. They don't know. The quietness of it. Oh, dude. Here comes Francesco Molinari. Needs par. Oh, boy. Okay, well, that was...

He might have shat a little bit. The best part was it wasn't even a good shot. It went into the fucking roughage. Holy crap. Roughage, what'd I say? Yeah, yeah, what's it called? The roughage? That is crazy.

Went into the cabbage. Yeah, I guess fucking, man, it's going it's gonna be i can't believe it's so you know what's crazy is how quickly the world's changing like twitter changed to x i guess her alert's going to or something um elon musk and that's so weird that it happened after like right after the threads thing it must be in some sort of trouble i mean it has to be if it's rebranding and shit and twitter's just been getting more and more awful i actually don't fucking know i don't use twitter i just know it's awful um it's always been awful i know it hasn't always been awful in the beginning was awesome you know it was like oh we were figuring out who knew that it was going to become this huge fucking thing. But Twitter is now X, I guess.

Did he make any sort of statement about it or he did? So I guess they're rebranding it and people will find a problem with that. But I guess this is I don't know if Twitter's days are limited or what or or numbered I should say um I don't feel like that fucking uh what is it uh threads is really picking up any steam uh I although I don't know I I just I just kind of like look at it every now and then just because it's a part of Instagram which was cool that he did that. But I don't know. Isn't it all? It's all fucking garbage. It's all garbage. Okay. Well, that's good. That's it. Thank you very much. I appreciate you. Oh, leave a message under here. Like and subscribe. We'd appreciate it.

And also, it would be really cool if you left a comment thanks a lot um and share it with your friends this podcast is uh is really great and it's really great because of you guys because you you it's not really great without you guys so thanks and uh if you want to sign up for the patreon and get the extended version of congratulations the uncut unedited version of congratulations each episode go to patreon.com slash chris talia and also there's an extra episode a month there's like 30 something episodes now that you can go look at if you just go and uh go to patreon.com chris talia and it's like six bucks so thank you very much appreciate you uh and don't forget to pick up that merch. Okay. See you guys.