Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 33. Gargle, Gargle

Episode Date: September 12, 2017

It is the 33rd episode! On today's show, Chris talks about crooners and sexism in old songs. Also discussed: Arizona, football towns, statues, cheerleaders, marching bands, music cues in TV, scatting, & TMFUIPOTW. And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. This episode of Congratulations is brought to you by Blue Apron. This episode of Congratulations is brought to you by Blue Apron, and that is the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country.

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We introduced something new this past week of the Morris McElwight episode. If you haven't heard it, it is the, that is the name of Michael Caine. I tell you, I've thought more, that's Michael Caine's real name. I've thought more about Michael Caine this week

than I ever have in my entire life and because of how hard I was laughing in the last episode and about Michael Caine's website and so many people were tweeting me stuff about Michael Caine's website and one thing I did not mention last week was that when you click on the pictures of Michael Caine's website. And so many people were tweeting me stuff about Michael Caine's website. And one thing I did not mention last week was that when you click on the pictures of Michael Caine's gallery, they're the fucking same size as they are already as the thumbnails

fix it. So yeah. And but we introduced something new and that is the video. So if you're just listening to this, go back and start last week and watch the video of the podcast. And it starts with episode 32. So we're trying it out. We're seeing if you like it. So far, it's been a positive, whatever, positive feedback about it. And I'm just trying to grow this thing, man. If you're not helping me grow it you stalling and what i mean is you're stalling not stalling the general or whatever he was but uh you're stalling the the the growth of my cult of you know what you're stalling the growth of our cult and that's not cool you know if you're not growing you stalling if you're not growing, you're stalling. If you're stalling, you're dying. Okay?

Now, I am fresh off of the plane from Tempe, Arizona. I was in Phoenix and Tempe, which should be the same goddamn thing. Phoenix and Tempe, the same place. It's the exact same place. You step one way, Phoenix. You step another way, Tempe, which should be the same goddamn thing. Phoenix and Tempe, the same place. It's the exact same place. You step one way, Phoenix. You step another way, Tempe. It's the same goddamn place. And I love, I think Tempe, if I had to narrow it down, and I'm not talking about New York,

Boston, LA, you know, big, although Phoenix is a big city. But when you're talking about like the coastal cities i always like going there because it makes me feel like if i need to and shit went down i can get on a ship and go somewhere else even though would never do it would never be on the ship But if some shit went down, I could. I have the option. Have the option. But I think I would say Tempe is my favorite place to go perform. The crowds are always awesome.

And the Tempe improv specifically is just great. The crowds are awesome. And this weekend especially, the crowds were awesome. They were just great. They were jack awesome. And this weekend, especially was the crowds were awesome. They were just great. They were jacked. I have a lot of new material and I'm building it. So it's like, it's making me feel good. I'm feeling good about performing again. Not that I didn't earlier, but I got, you know, I was doing that man on fire, uh, set for so long that now it feels good to like do new shit and get it going and discover what i want to talk about now i don't know if it'll be part of my next special but it's fun to talk about uh it's

fun to do it and fun to figure it out and it makes me feel like uh i don't know you have to start all over from scratch so i did that in tempe i played also phoenix stand up Um, Tempe was so hot, man. It's so hot even now in September, but I mean, I guess it's still tech and like not technically summer, but I guess you don't know, but, um, it's summer ish and there it's definitely summer. It's too hot, man. And I've said this before, but don't be that hot and not have boa constrictors around, okay? Because it's too hot.

And it's such a college town, which is cool that they come out to the show. But it's really annoying how much they love their football. Illinoisan how much they love their football. And let me, straight up, you could, okay, for sure, if you like that much football. They're the Sun Devils or some fucking dumb shit like that, you know? Sun Devils? I don't know. Are they the Sun Devils? Hey, you know, sun devils, I don't know, are they the sun devils, hey, you know,

fuck is that, you can't just like put two words together and make it cool like that, now you're the sun devils, and then all these fucking people are like, fucking go sun devils, you know, in a fucking arena, but yeah, and yellow and maroon are their colors. Suggly, you McDonald's? Dude, you gonna give me fries and a Big Mac? No? Cool. Change your colors. You making me hungry.

Is it called Frank Cushfield yeah dude hey dude it's frank cushfield dude no uh i don't i wouldn't want a statue of me period anywhere you know how You know how people are like, oh, we get immortalized? That seems like some old school shit. I guess there's a fucking, I guess that's him. There's a statue of some fucking football player in bronze on Arizona State. I wouldn't want it. As famous as you could be as a comedian, and I don't even know. There are probably some statues of some comedian somewhere.

But that's just like some old school shit that they would do, you know? Like, ah, we would immortalize you with a stone statue. Like, go fucking fuck off. Just remember me, dude. Put me on the internet somewhere. You know? You know, like the copper benches that they have? And then they'll have like a fucking guy sitting on the bench,

like a fucking copper part of the bench like he was made fucking with flames and fire and they put a guy with a business suit on the bench and like he's like reading a paper or some goddamn shit like what are you doing dude you know what i want on that bench instead of that guy more room because if there's fucking three people sitting on the bench and then i gotta watch some wrought iron bullshit motherfucker that was honored by sitting on this bench that i have no fucking idea who it is and i gotta eat my fucking salad standing up and i can't sit down and eat it on my lap at this beautiful park that i should be enjoying myself leisurely at, then you know what? Remove the statue.

Statues don't get to sit. They're statues. They don't need to rest. Bye. I want a fucking statue in my bed just laying down so I can cuddle with a fucking wrought iron dude. That like built an important fucking building somewhere. Also, how many of them are ass a bad, dude? How many of them have...

Remember the Ronaldo one? Where he was like... Dude, he was so... I mean, dude. Cross-eyed. All of his features too close together. And also doesn't look like him at all. Dude, when they photoshopped his face to look like the statue, that was the best.

And they kept doing it over and over again. And goddamn, whoever did that literally should have fucking killed themselves. They probably also got death threats over that. There's no way. You can't do anything negative about soccer and not receive death threats. People from Barcelona will be like,

hey, why are you fucking around, huh? Why are you fucking around? We impale you. Don't make statues anymore. anymore just it's not and and then there's all the other shit where then now they want to pull them down about the fucking you know dude if i had a statue when they're trying to pull down the fucking racist statues or whatever the fuck and they're like no, no, that's our history. Like they're fucking statues, dude. You know,

it's a statue. You know what they should have done? They should have taken those statues of fucking Robert E. Lee or whatever. Was it, was that who was and fucking bended his knees and just sat him on a fucking park bench. So near in a racist town.

So racists couldn't sit down at their park. That's what they should have done. And they would have been like, oh man, racists couldn't sit down at their park that's what they should have done and they would have been like oh man i'd love to sit down but we got a fucking painting we got a the uh fucking wrought iron robbery lee sitting down we got to see we got to respect that why don't we sit on his lap and eat our salad our fried salad they'll fry anything in the south they be like, you ever tried fried fucking cereal? You're like, huh? You try it. You'll see. You ever try fried bacon? Yeah. Yeah. Well, have you ever tried fried ice cream? Huh? Well, you try it. You'll see. You ever tried fried

ice cream? How's that work? You fry a fucking ice cream. Yeah, but how's it work? Because it's cold. You just fucking do it. Oh, cool. You ever fucking sign a fried document? We got fucking, we'll lawyer up and make you sign a fried document. Fuck yeah.

You'll sign a goddamn fried document. You ever put on a fried suit? What? Hell yeah. You're looking tastier than a motherfucker, boy. With your fried tie and fried suit, fried belt, fried fucking loafers. Put on this fried top hat. Boy, you're looking tastier than a motherfucker. Oh, Boy, you're looking tastier than a motherfucker.

Oh, boy, you're looking tasty. Put on this fried monocle. What do you call it, fucking? Monocle? Put on a fried monocle. Yeah, you get that grease in your eye, boy. Your eye's looking tastier than a motherfucker. I don't know how I started talking about ASU and wound up on

fried monocle. But, uh, dude, ASU, you know, is there more of a college-y college than ASU? Sun devils, dude. Fucking sun devils. Uh,

and I walked down Mill Street, which is like the street where all the college kids are and uh there's like that i love the college towns that have that college shop where like you can buy anything but it has the mascot on it you know like literally you can buy shirts or pants or like shoes or hats, but also a fucking like like condoms with like a fucking badger on it, you know. Or like a like a notebooks and textbooks and you don't have like the born identity trilogy with a fucking badger on it you'd be like come on yeah get the blue devil's born trilogy they get that oh they got the number one fingers god ass foam number one finger is equally as genius as they are fucking the biggest moron of all time to even think of that idea you gotta be dumb as shit

but then also capitalize on other people's dumbness to get that fucking finger. If you're over, if you're under, you know, 14, fine. But if you're fucking 30 or 50 and you have one of those foam fingers like that, what you doing with your life? You live life wrong. And you know what? Deep down, you know it. So here's what you do. You take that finger, you water it up real nice. You fucking stick it in a pool or you run it under the sink. You put it in the freezer. You let it harden up. Then you take it out hours later or the next day.

You put it directly on the ground and then you sit on it. Let that cold finger go right up your anus. Don't do. Don't have the foam finger. If you do, it should be up your ass because that's what you deserve. Let that foam finger go directly. Let that hard foam frozen finger go directly up your ass because that's what you deserve let that foam finger go directly let that hard foam frozen finger go directly up your ass because that's what you deserve that's what you deserve um oh man I don't like rooting. Hey, hey, here we go. No. Hey, hey, here we go.

We can't. You can't stop us. No one can. Yeah, you can. Yeah. Yeah. You can't stop us. No one can. Yeah, you can. Yeah, you can. People can stop you. Armies. Bunch of strong guys can stop you. Bunch of stronger guys can stop you. Chemical warfare can stop you. Hey, you can't stop us. No one can. And then fucking fighter jets just. Oh, my God. I guess we're stopped. I guess. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. He's missing his leg.

Fucking dumbass cheerleaders. You can't stop us. No one can. Oh, God. Oh, God. You can't stop. Oh, my God. You're stopping us.

You're in the middle of stopping us. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Katie's holding her stomach. Her stomach's coming out. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. You can't stop us. No one can. Except fighter jets and giants.

Giants can stop us. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Dude, I don't like that whole fucking... You can't stop us. Bears can. Literally, bears could. If bears came and ate us up, the bears could stop us. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. and ate us up, the Bears could stop us.

That's my cheer, dude. I would have a fucking, I'm going to all want to get a college just so I can fucking get real good football players. Real good football players. Maybe we're number three or some shit. Or like, by the way, fuck all these divisions. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, we're division two. We're division one. We're division three. Nah, fuck that. Get rid of divisions. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, we're division two. We're division one. We're division three.

Nah, fuck that. Get rid of divisions. All play each other. Don't give a fuck, okay? Play each other. You're division one. You're division five. If you're division five, you suck cock.

You're in division one, and you're 170th place. That's what you are. Swatch are. And then fucking, I want to get a football team. I want to get a college. I want to get a football team. And then I want, wow, I really, I don't even have a fucking clue what I was trying to get at. And then, oh, and I want to have. Oh, that's what I want. I want to have the cheerleaders and I want the cheerleaders to be fucking, you know, really good at what they do and doing all the twists and doing the one thing where you flip up.

There's guys, too, where they flip up the girl and hold them on one foot for some reason, even though it's not necessary, even though you never need to do that. even though you never need to do that. And then I want the cheers to be like, we can almost not be stopped. We are number three in the league. There are a few things that can stop us. And then one girl's like, bears. And then the other girl goes, fighter jets.

And then the other one goes, chemical then one goes like if we didn't have enough oxygen and then the fucking idiots with the big fucking golden helmets with that fucking what is this thing this fucking the spartan there's always some fucking even if it's not you're not the spartans there's some asshole with a fucking french horn that's like and he's got a fur fucking helmet and there's a dumb goofy badger just like jumping around hey how fucking dumb is what i'm describing and here's the worst part it's real it's not a dream i'm not describing a dream I had. People cheering around, you can't stop us, no one can. And a big goofy fucking badger doping around. And people with number one finger hands foam.

And then some fucking guys playing the French horn. Rump, bump, rump, rump, rump. And then guys fucking come out and burst out of paper not impressive when they fucking burst out of paper and they're not impressive and then you got the fucking band leader hey band leader don't need you hey band leader grab an instrument get behind everyone the guy who just steps who fucking and maybe he's got a flute or some dumb shit try harder what the fuck is that what is this what is that guy? Ohio State drum major tryouts. Hey, dude, don't try out that. Just pick someone. Also, don't have it at all. What is he doing? Drum major? Oh, oh, it's so

hot on the ground. So hot on the ground. He's stepping so hard. Look at this asshole. This guy's got parents. Look at this guy. He's got parents, dude. i'm looking at a guy if you're not watching the video twirling around a baton so casually dude like he's literally twirling around like not doing nothing not doing nothing at the end of it oh man can you do that and be straight i mean i mean you could and it's happened before. But how about that? What is that?

What do they call that? Color guards? Oh, man, he does fantastic moves. You know what my favorite thing is? When the drum major, like drum major shit, or even when a guy's playing drums, one of the funniest things to me is imagine no music, no sound anywhere except you can hear him, and he's going.

Drum major is the band leader. Hi, bye. Hey, you're a band leader? Bye. You don't need to lead the band. Just have the guys play the instruments and trolley all around. It doesn't matter, dude. We are number one. Nothing really stop us. You know when they throw the fucking baton up so high and they have to look at it and watch it like a bitch until they catch it? What are you doing? What are you doing? What you doing with your lie? That's amazing, actually, to be a band leader and wear a cape. and wear a cape.

Dude, and wear the Pope's hat. What the fuck? If you have any feathers on you, just run yourself through a car wash. You know? You got gold ropes

on your head. Put them around your neck. Tie them on a pole. Jump off. I mean, all right, enough of this shit. But yeah, man, I mean, I just described something that's a real thing like not dreams like is is it like stop rooting i don't know it is what it is um but all that fucking me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

And people like what, what, what kills me is like, like, it's so alpha to fucking be like sports. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. But that's not alpha. It's so secretly beta. If you're fucking rooting for sports, it's beta and it's fine to do it, but you're beta. You're not an alpha.

You're beta. Because you're rooting for other dudes to run it through the fucking goal line. Also, you're playing a game. Even if you're playing, you're playing a game that other people created. It's not alpha. You're secretly beta you know where the fucking true alphas are crazy people fucking insane motherfuckers that are like screaming in coffee shops nobody's doing that shit you're the man.

Guys that are just fucking in like Ikea. Just like, there's no more tree bark. Just an insane motherfucker. Science is everywhere. Science is everywhere. That guy is a fucking alpha. Oh, you think he's going to pick up a ball and get teammates? Man, get the fuck out of here with your beta shit.

That guy's the man he's alpha the guy that'll just fucking take his pants down and pull on his cock in like an in-and-out burger that guy's the shit he's alpha dude um yeah you're alpha and you're out there fucking you know in the locker rooms just fucking what do we want where we want it where we want it where we want it who do we want where we want it we're gonna fuck fuck me in the butt you need to behind me get in the bar put it inside me? No. Touchdown.

Oh, okay. Well, fuck yeah. It sounds like I was beaten up by like football players. I wasn't. I just fucking, I'd rather be the guy screaming out in a coffee shop. There's no more tree barker sciences everywhere than throwing a ball to my teammate. Um,

yeah. And, uh, and that's, what's up. I don't any song. You know what? Songs are the worst.

This is, I was watching fucking, I'm so tired of the fucking shows on TV, especially network TV, when it's like when the music dictates how you're supposed to feel about the scene. When it's like two doctors are flirting with each other, but it's like light flirting and nobody died in the episode yet because it's the fucking 25th minute in. And it's like. it's the fucking 25th minute in and it's like and the girl's like trying to flirt but her fucking hair's messed up hey ken hey how's it going carla oh nothing um oh about that surgery huh sure yeah good thing you didn't die huh uh yeah we're doctors and then the other nurse walks up that was your best try huh then she just goes and blows her fucking hair off her face oh fuck that that's been a scene 75 times

it's been a scene in every doctor show hey hey hey ken oh whoops uh love getting in the way of cars. It's kind of a thing here. Uh, yeah, okay, Carla. Strak, too. That's the fucking nurse that walks up. She's always watching. And... Link. Hey,

so, great food here at the cafeteria, huh? Yeah, I guess, if you like frozen... meat. Yeah, no, I mean, I didn't really mean it, I just... Carla, you sure don't say what you what you mean a lot yeah i can't no i know it's kind of like one of my things whoops drops the tray i have ketchup on my shirt

then the nurse walks up you're gonna eat that fuck off, dude. You can't do it. No one can. The cheerleaders are there. You got ketchup on your fucking shirt. You can't do it. No one can.

Another person can do it, but this is the script. Fighter jets over the hospital. Come on, dude. Try harder. Stop being formulaic. Bye. Can a baby drink you?

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Music will get you. You know what the best? I think, how about when people, like, you know what's so funny and so out of style is crooning. But there's still always, like, that one guy that, like, makes it. You're a dame. I'm just a guy. I love how like, aw shucks they are. I'm just a guy. Like, yeah, we know, man. You're just a guy. What did we think you were a fucking transformer? No metal parts. Just a guy. You're a gal. If any song calls someone a gal, sexist.

I love how underlyingly sexist croonin' is, you know? I'm a guy. I matter more than you. Get under me. On your knees start gargling start gargling put my nuts in your mouth

start gargling you're a girl you matter less than me put me above you start gargling gargle gargle you're gonna want to keep on gargling

gargle gargle if you stop I'll put you in the basement put on the fluffy dress Don't show too much ankle Or you're a bitch Oh my god If you show another guy your knees

If you show another guy your knees You're a goddamn whore gargle gargle i'm taller and much stronger we're under and they don't start that way you know they start beautiful we're we're both on a veranda under the Paris moon. One look in your eye. One look in your eyes, I realize I'm just a guy. You're a gal, cook for me bitch, gargle, gargle, get inside let me look at the moon some more gargle gargle i need alone time make me some sausage bitch

give me starches and carbs now gargle we don't know the health benefits of eating greens give me brown food give me beige food that's all i'm eating this is the 40s oh you're cooking standing up why you doing that get lower bitch get lower bitch i matter more your cheeks are rosy keep them pink keep them pink. If not, I'll give you light taps on the cheek. That's the songs were so sexist back then, dude. Get in a line, I'll pick my mate. Let me go to work and socialize, read a book or something, but don't get too smart. Gargle, gargle.

I'll put you in your place if you tell me something in public. Like the croon and shit. But now you can't be like that, you know, because you got like Michael Bublé that so secretly wants to be that way, but isn't that way, you know, like he can't sing about the real shit. So he'll just be like, you're lovely. Like that'll be a song. It's just called. You're lovely.

Her eyes, her hair. She's lovely. I wish I was singing about something. She's lovely. You're the only one right for me. And you could see in his face just like, Goddamn fucking shit.

Is there any... It was Harry Connick Jrr remember when chicks loved harry connick jr because that that's that music was so out of um uh out of fashion and then he came in with his like scruffiness and his like goofy but also handsome ass shit and girls were like oh my god he's just singing about me but secretly he was singing gargle gargle you know hey his name's harry connick jr you know? Remember when he was in some fucking movies like Hope Floats? Never watched that movie. That name of that movie, Hope Floats, Hope Floats, dude, it might as well be named the Diarrhea Chronicles. That's the worst title of any fucking, and I've never seen the movie,

no clue what it's about. I guarantee somebody has a disease in it and it's like fucking, so it's like sad. Look at what it's about. Isn't Birdie, which is her name in it, which fucking gargle, gargle. Don't have a lead character named Birdie. It's too cute. No one will be named that and if every if anybody was named that in real life everyone would hate him fuck that name birdie you fucking

dumb fuck somebody wrote down birdie okay sandra bullock is an unassuming housewife oh that's weird they made a movie about somebody unassuming whose life is disrupted when her husband, Michael Pair, reveals his infidelity to her on a Ricky Lake-style talk show. Oh, okay. She goes home to her mother, Jenna Rollins, and the small town in which she grew up, where everyone knows of her televised marital collapse. Meanwhile, an old friend, Justin Connick Jr., of course, has entered her life sparkling a romance. While Justin's intentions are clear and good, Birdie struggles with with decision to let him fully into her life and one of them is

for sure dying even though it's not happening they didn't they cut that part out somebody was fucking dying of like you know oh there we go right there there we go right there she also tries to rebuild her relationship with her estranged mother, her ailing father who suffers from Alzheimer's disease. And we knew it because it was predictable. So gargle, gargle. And you know there's a scene where he's on the fucking hospital bed and he's like, Bertie, you gotta let him up. You gotta let him in.

You gotta let him in. You're only doing yourself an injustice gargle gargle and then carrie connick made a song and harry connick how much was he just i would he's probably not he seems like such a good guy but i just wish he was a deviant just singing stuff like your eyes they remind me of big, beautiful blue boulders. And then at night he was just like... I don't care who I fuck. It doesn't matter.

I just want to have big tits. That would be so funny to me. Oh, man, you know. All these fucking movies that Harry Connick Jr. was in was about him and a woman who was either ailing or had an ailing fucking cousin or dad or some shit. And now he's got a show called

The Harry Connick Jr. Show and it's the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life. They'll be like, we got a guy who plays a piano on coming on later. And then the guy will play the piano and he'll be like,

what the oh? And then other people will be like, ha ha ha ha ha and the housewives just like. And he's like. Why don't you put them keys like that. And he'll just fucking kick his leg up. And then the housewives will just be.

They have to go home and change their pants. Because they're all wet. Because he turned them on. Because the husband's always working. And they want to be with that goofy. Scggly face-haired fucking crooner. When even though he's fucking probably at home just like. And then he wakes up. Oh, beautiful day.

Get out, bitch. Gargle, gargle. Um, no. He honestly seems like a fucking great guy for real i'm just i'm just having some fun just having a laugh he was an independence day um the first one and then they remade it 20 years later uh and he wasn't in it but uh yeah but that and then and then ah fuck man then... Ah, fuck, man.

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like laser etching? I like everything that has to do with lasers. So do this with me. The Cash App team is constantly building awesome new features also. So if you thought this laser etch thing was the end, yeah, right. It's the beginning. What are you doing using the other guys? Get Cash App today. Switch like I did. download the free cash app for ios or android now if not then you know what you can do gargle and gargle you know what the worst kind of music is though i think period scatting what is it what are you doing? You just feeling it? Hey man, you're a fucking fool. When they do that one.

You on a swing set? Scat singing. Vocal jazz. Vocal jazz. take everything about jazz that's amazing remove it wordless vocables vocal improvisation with wordless vocables, nonsense syllables, this is from Wikipedia, or without words at all. In scat singing, the singer improvises melodies and rhythms using the voice as an instrument rather than a speaking medium, aka the dumbest fucking thing you can do. Imagine somebody doing that seriously and actually thinking that this is good. I'm a scatter.

What do you do? Oh, I scat. I'm a scatter. Oh, yeah? Isn't that also like shitting on someone's chest? Scatting? Like in Germany? Or did I just totally make that up?

Hey, you want to scat? Sure, I love scatting. Wee-bee-dee-bee. What are you doing? Oh, I'm shitting on your chest. Scat is the scientific word for shit? Jesus. You want to go scatting?

Oh, yeah, I love it. Okay, cool. Come with me. Oh, why are we going in your bedroom? I'm going to do shit on your chest. Whoa, whoa, I thought we were just going to do nonsense vocalizing. All right, we can do that, too. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. say nonsense syllables

get down here oh boy you have shit on your chest whoopsie daisy you're scat singing that's what you deserve shitting on your chest because that's nothing

you took everything about jazz made it bad there's books about scatting probably you know like books yeah don't scat unless

unless you're into shitting on someone's chest and you're German anditting on someone's chest. And you're German and they like it too. Then very cool. Very cool. Oh, man. Guess if I'm sweaty or not.

Very sweaty. Why don't we go and look at some of these hashtags, huh? Why don, uh, and look at some of these, uh, hashtags, huh? Why don't we go and look at some of these fucking hashtags? Um, should we do it?

I don't want to, I don't really feel like doing Instagram. Let me look at what I had. I didn't, I didn't, uh, I know some of you guys were upset. I didn't do Instagram posted the week. Most fucked up.

Let me just go to the last one. I've been – oh, you know what? Let's just talk about a blanket. You know what it's time for? The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh.

Gone. So what I feel like is – well, let's just do this one. Here it is. Now, the picture is of a female. She is in like a bodysuit covering her pussy with her hand, even though I can't see it because it's a bodysuit. And this is the caption. First of all, she's got a few tens, thousands of followers, okay? So she thinks what she's saying is very important.

Smart impresses me. Strength of character impresses me. But most of all, I'm impressed by kindness. Kindness, I think, comes from learning hard lessons well. From falling and picking yourself up. I mean, what a bunch of fucking cocksucking bullshit this is. comes from oh kindness comes from learning hard lessons well and falling and picking yourself up sounds like fucking boxing you idiot it comes it comes from surviving failure and loss i mean no it doesn't there's people who fail and lose that are complete fucking monger like pieces of shit that are rude and it implies an understanding of the human condition no doesn't forgives its many flaws and quirks when i see that in someone it fills me with admiration hey nobody gives a fuck. You know? It doesn't matter.

What you're saying, people don't look to you. The egotistical nature of that's what fills me with admiration. The egotistical fucking nature of that. That's what fills me with admiration. And you're not Tony robbins and tony robbins doesn't even do that shit he's somebody with a few thousand instagram followers bye the whole fucking thing is ego man um yeah brutal brutal brutal uh Yeah. Brutal. Brutal, brutal. Let's go to some... Let's go to this fucking thing. You guys seen It yet?

I want to see It. How much would a fucking guy in high school think it's funny to say, Have you seen it? And somebody would be like, What? it's funny to say, have you seen it? And somebody would be like, what? And he'd be like, have you seen it? And he's like trying to play a joke on him, like because that's what the movie is called, but he would say it like that so you wouldn't know. That would be some shit like somebody would do in my high school,

and I'd be like, God, I hate this fucking guy. Have you seen it? Oh. All right, let's look at these. Congratulations. Let's see who's gaming the system, babies. Have you seen it? Oh. All right. Let's look at these. Congratulations. Let's see who's gaming the system, babies.

Congratulations, Pod. Congratulations. Here we go. Nah, skip that one um coolest this is from amanda at a walla underscore all right coolest lamest ways to die it's funny she wrote lamest you know and not worst like like who the fuck would die and be like that was so lame i guess lamest way to die would be like slipping and falling because that would be lame. Right. But like worst, coolest, coolest way to die.

I mean, with sunglasses on, you know, and having them stay on, even though you were fucking like, I don't know. I've been watching a little bit of Game of Thrones and it seems like everybody like wants honor when they die. Fuck. Hey, you know, you know how many people shit themselves when they're killed? A lot. That's not honorable.

You shit yourself. Lamest, worst ways to die. I always thought like, I mean, there's so many bad ones. Burned alive. Drowning. You know? Yeah. Weird question, man. drowning you know uh yeah weird question man you know hey lifetime devin demetio at devin devin demetio hey lifetime baby here i mean you know this podcast started 32 weeks ago lifetime baby thoughts baby. Thoughts on people with hydraulics in their cars, I suppose.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know, you know. Everything in every culture has their show off shit. And like if you're a, I guess, was it like, I feel like it was hip-hop kind of shit that was doing the hydraulic stuff first. I mean, it's all stupid. At least it's like funny, though, you know? To see a guy like in his car while it's fucking bouncing up and down literally like really fucking hard. And to think that he's in there going like

like snot gangster you know hell yeah and he's so sideways uh yeah i mean hydraulics i mean with the little wheels is so bitch too with the little wheels like the fuck um like the fuck um what else uh what else what's another one what's that what's that one go up oh that that is gross man

Bob Biggles at Biggles Bob what do you think of people who eat bags and more bags of bacon beef jerky? Here's the thing, man. If you're eating beef jerky, you probably got it from a gas station and you're on a road trip. What are you doing? What are you doing? What is that? It's not meat.

It's not meat. I don't give a fuck. Beef jerky out of a bag like where is your life that you're eating beef jerky out of a bag i remember when i was a kid and someone told me that some was called beef jerky i laughed for a long time jerky you know if don't put something jerky in your mouth uh yeah uh let's see oh i obviously hate this ryan birch at ryan with an o um how do you feel about people who refer to their favorite sports teams as we like they play for the team they're fucking betas they're bet're betas. See ya. That you literally signed your life over to another man. You're one of those

guys in Game of Thrones that's like, I wish to serve you. May I serve you? That's you. That's you. That's you. You're a guy with a bit part. That's you. Look at this guy. Marty Barak.

At Marty underscore Barak. When was the last time you were legitimately scared? Be it for your life or maybe a spooky movie. Who the fuck says spooky movies? This guy can't be American. And he's from Los Angeles. Hey, don't say spooky. Scariest movie I've ever seen was called...

I always forget the name. It was a Japanese horror movie. They remade it with Kristen Bell, I think. What the fuck was it called? Look it up. They had this music on it that was uh i always because i always think of purge it's something like purge but it's not that obviously that was the ethan hawk shit um but what no not that it wasn't that um not the grudge uh

but it had this music on it that was so scary it's about like and the music would just be like this fucking note this one little thing pulse that's what it's called and it would go and that's it but the japanese version of pulse pulse dude i watched this fucking movie and i i i i felt i was so scared i felt it in my in my in my bowels like i literally felt like oh this is what it would be like to shit yourself and and it takes its time and there are some wide shots that are so fucking scary you know how how in American cinema, they'll do the scary things like bam, bam, bam. And they'll show you real close. This shit, it'll be like long shots, I guess, is what the technical terms are. Or wide shots.

I don't know. Wide shots of like scary shit of like people, like ghosts walking towards you. Dude, it's so scary. I literally watched it. I watched some of the parts with like, I'd look at the side of the screen, side of the screen and fucking held up the fucking blanket. I was watching it. And the music, dude, it's like, it was terrifying.

That's all it would do. I don't even know what, I don't even remember what it was about anymore. By far the scariest movie I've ever seen. If that movie was scary at a 10, the next scariest movie I've ever seen was seven. That's how scary this fucking movie is. Watch it. Dude, that's my recommendation.

Watch that movie. I don't know where you, probably gonna watch it on like some weird fucking app that you can only get in Japan. You know? It'll be on thing like my brother would be like, do you have the Scatter app? He'd be like, what? I'm like, yeah, you can watch movies on the Scatter app.

I'm like, I'm not getting a whole fucking app so I can watch Eternal fucking Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or whatever the hell it's called. Anyway, yeah. remember what i said was it's so scary it's so fucking scary pulse go look at it and let me know watch it i'm based on my recommendation that's a cult that's some cult duty watch it and then fucking get back to me. I want to know if you thought it was fucking scary too. And tell me what it's about too, like quickly, like in a synopsis. Because I don't really get it when I read this shit. All right.

Well, shit, man. I think that we're going to wrap this up. You guys, I got some stuff to mention here. Blue Apron, you got to check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash congrats. Remember that. blueapron.com slash congrats.

Square Cash, have you switched yet? Download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now and do that with me. So yeah, I've got some upcoming shows, pillows up. And if you haven't seen Man on Fire, that'd be great. Go watch Man on Fire on Netflix if you haven't watched it. I don't know how you can call yourself a baby if you haven't watched Man on Fire yet. But yeah, do that and share it with your friends. It'd be great. More and more people are watching it. It's awesome. My crowds are getting bigger and bigger on the road, which are awesome. I appreciate you coming

out, everyone coming out and watching a live show. See my new material. See my new material recently, upcoming shows, so you can see that. This week, I'll be in New Brunswick, New Jersey. Boone, North Carolina, I'm coming up. I thinkwick, New Jersey, Boone, North Carolina. I'm coming up. I think that's Appalachian State University. Then Charlotte, North Carolina, Adelaide, Australia, Perth, Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Columbus, Irvine. Oh, I'm sorry.

Those were go up. Those were Brisbane was Australia. And then Columbus, Ohio, Irvine, California, San Jose, California. Get your tickets now. um brisbane was australia and then columbus ohio irvine california san jose california get your tickets now they're selling out um even far down like irvine is tough to get tickets for and san jose i noticed there were a lot of them and those are in december so uh there's a few tickets left so do that and um rate and review and tweet me uh rate and review the podcast. Please. That really helps. Tell your friends about it. Make your friends listen to it in the car. And try to build this cult, man.

Let's do it. You got to listen to fucking... You got to listen. You got to help me out here. So, thank you. ChrisDelia.com or CongratulationsPod.com are my websites. And tweet me, CongratsPod. And also use the hashtag, hashtag CongratulationsPod.

Thanks very much. You guys are the shit. Sayonara, my babies. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations.