Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 331. Myownsexual

Episode Date: August 10, 2023

😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content... come over to Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week we've got wacky waving inflatable tube men, World Cup failures, leg days for days, and that brawl in Alabama. Plus a lady who slept with the devil! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

all right here we go guys it is the crystal hour welcome to it you know what I mean I got we got the pocket stay deep merch up and running absolutely wonderful and we've got some life rips decals I actually forgot about these absolutely gorgeous absolutely gorgeous and we've got the grow or die merch so just gorgeous just gorgeous and uh a bunch of different merches go to crystalia.com i got some life rip stuff uh we we preach but yeah

um and uh without further ado welcome to the next episode of Congratulations. Hey, yeah. So that's, you know, we're chilling. We got, let's see, we got dates coming up. We've got different dates coming up. We've got Irvine working on some new stuff. We've got Charlotte, North Carolina, August 25th. We've got Knoxville, Tennessee, August 26th.

Little Rock, Arkansas, September 7th. Nashville, September 9th. Calgary, Alberta, September 15th. And then we've got Edmonton and Ottawa and Montreal and Hamilton and Pittsburgh and Cleveland. All right, cool. So that's good. Get your tickets at crystalia.com. I'm going to go tell my son to stop banging on the door.

Yeah. Can we? Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. Can we stop banging, please? Thank you. You can bang, but can you just, if you want to go out into the other room where the TV is, okay?

Thanks, buddy. Love you. He's so cute dude, the other day we were driving by it's a weed store on Ventura Boulevard we were going to get hot chocolate for him you know me, I don't drink hot chocolate because I keep it lean

I mean that's obvious at this point but yeah your boy's getting swole. But yeah, so we drove by this weed place and it had one of those wacky inflatable tube man things. I don't know if that's what you call them or if that's what just family guy calls them.

Wacky inflatable tube man, wacky inflatable tube man. But you know what I'm talking about, the things at the car lots and they had it on top of this weed store and it was a green one and he was just doing his thing like, you know what I mean? Doing this thing where the air was blowing into it.

And then my son, we were stopped in traffic a little bit, and my son just says, look at that. And I said, whoa, look at that, buddy. And he says, what is that? And I said, oh, that's just one of those green things that's filling with air and it's like being like wacky and it's an inflatable tube and he took a bead and he said i'm that guy and i said that's you and he said uh-huh and i said oh oh okay dude this was yesterday at

1 p.m. He's still that guy. He's just going, I'm the wacky inflate. I'm an inflatable tube guy. I'm an inflatable tube guy. To the point where, look, I'm an inflatable tube guy. Look, look, I'm an inflatable tube guy. To the point where I'm like, I know kids

are always like, hey, look, look at this, look at me do this, look at this, look at this, and I'm like, is my son just gonna, like, when does this stop? Like, I understand wanting to, to, like, sometimes I walk, you know, it's like, I, you know what I guess it's like, it's like when you're an adult, and you go and see, like, a Liam Neeson movie. And you walk out of the movie theater and you're like, wow, that was a cool movie. I know it's fake. But at this point, after seeing that movie, nobody better test me. Right? I understand that that's fake.

And this is movie magic. Because I'm 43. But I just watched Taken. And at this point, somebody better not test me. At this point, somebody better not test me, right? Like, God forbid, take my daughter if I had a daughter. I would get her back at this point because I've seen Taken. But I guess that's what it's like for kids when you just see the green inflatable tube guy and then you go, ah, dude, this is my taken.

Because now he's just flipping around doing the thing and so much. We went to go see grandma and grandpa and he was just, you'd be like, Cal, and he'd say, no, I'm an inflatable tube guy. Like just, okay. But it's like, when does it stop? I don't know. I'm like, I'm, you know, I've been a dad for three and a half years. So it's like, now is the time where the imagination is just like really like coming into like its own.

And he's just like, see something like that. And he's just like, I can be that guy. Like as a kid, when you like my, my, my, my, uh him pb herman you know rest in peace because i thought i was like you know what calvin will love pb herman so i showed him pb herman and he was watching me with herman pb herman was doing his dance and one of the things and i look over to calvin and and calvin is watching the show and he says he is so funny and i was like okay so he loves pb herman but once that inflatable tube guy happened boom no more pew herman now he's like what is it pee pee pee pee i'm like no it's peewee and

so he now watch it uh could care less could not care less about peewee and is the wacky flail two guy but it's kind of like the thing is i was telling him that you know uncle matt when he was younger he was peewee herman for halloween and kevin was like really and i remember when uncle matt was peewee herman for halloween he was four i was seven or eight and he was going to be peewee herman and he had a mask right which is really a bitch ass way to go honestly if you're doing hallow Halloween as a kid or an adult, but a kid mostly, if you do a costume where you put a mask on, you're a lazy bitch, you know? Get the makeup. Have mom do the makeup.

Have dad, you know what I mean, hire someone. Maybe that's sexist to say that the dad would. Dad could do it too, right right mom doesn't have to do it mom hire someone whatever it is whoever this is a breadwinner it's most likely the dad dad hire someone okay um and so my brother was peewee and he was peewee you don don't, when you were a kid as a Halloween costume, I was the Punisher one year. And the thing was, you wouldn't have wanted to test me back then. Now, yeah, I was 11, but you don't want to test me at that point, right? Yeah, I had a gun that wasn't a real gun that had an orange tip that didn't shoot bullets,

but went, brackaca, brackaca, brackaca. And I get it it's not that dangerous but you don't want to test me at that point right because i was the punisher do you understand i was robin too why was i not batman because i wanted to do the i wanted to be the kind of under like everyone's batman so i wanted to be i wanted to be robin and my mom made the robin costume kind, and yeah, in retrospect, Robin is the bitch-ass one, but they're both wearing tights, right, so it's like up until recently, they used to wear tights, in the 80s, the superheroes were all tighted up, now they're

just, it's armor and shit, you know, now it's badass, but back then, it was totally not badass, it was tight city, nobody wanted to play Superman, that's what Christopher Reeves did, he wasn't even a superhero, he wasn't even a superstar. They were just like, no one will do it. Warren Beatty said no because he put on the outfit. Christopher Reeves was like, I'll do it. Boom. Then they did four of them. But yeah, my son's the green inflatable tube guy. And I did a fucking killer leg day. So things are looking up for both of us, dude. I mean, I did a fucking killer leg day.

And I know that people in my, you know, they're like, oh, Chris Lee, I don't want to talk. Don't talk about working out again. Well, there it comes, dude. Skip fucking a minute. Because, dude, your boy is, your boy's hips have been through so much, and you can tell because they're absolutely crying. I mean, above the kneecap, I got that teardrop that is, oh, just so ridiculously juicy, right? I got people coming up to me now. They know I strictly do legs.

They go like this. Hey, work some arms. I go like this. No. Johnny from that Book of Power show or whatever, he saw me at the gym. And he was like, hey, work out some arms. And I go like this, strictly legs all day. And he says, let's work out together.

I go, sure. You do legs though. Dude, my trunk is going to be so crazy. There's going to be fucking pirate's booty in it. Anyway, dude, I talk about working out a lot. That was that. But I had a crazy leg day. I'm so sore, dude.

And the thing about working out your bottom half is your top half gets shredded too. Whoopsie-daisy. Right? But you work out your top half, your bottom half doesn't get shredded. So it's like, saw Chappelle Lacey today at Erewhon, and he goes like this, what's going on? And I'm like, dude, I'm getting beefed up. And he says, how do I do that? I said, you got to go to the gym every day. And he's like, damn.

And I go, hey, dude, what do you want from me? He went to Erewhon to get those two little bitch ass fucking things that they trick us into getting to make it seem like an immunity boost, you know? And him holding those things, he looked like a fucking giant, dude. He was walking to Erewhon with two little bitch ass bottles. Love that guy. Yeah, so. So that's kind of what's been going on with me. My son's the wacky inflatable tube guy.

And then also I had a killer leg day. What's up with fucking Jamie Foxx, huh? They don't give a shit what he meant, right? They just want him to be like, oh, it's because of him that the Holocaust happened, right? Why can't, dude, this is, you know what i wish it was when he said when when when jamie fox so here's what happened jamie fox says if they killed jesus what do you think they'll do to you fake friends now everybody who isn't super sensitive would be like oh yeah he's talking about untrustworthy people i didn't even think of the thing but then people really sensitive people were like wait he's talking about the jews people. I didn't even think of the thing. But then people, really sensitive people were like, wait, he's talking about the Jews because people think the Jews killed Jesus and all that shit even though Jesus isn't real.

And kidding, kidding, he might be. I have no idea, dude. I'm not the end-all, be-all of what happened in like the 1800s or whenever it was. And so I'm kidding, dude. There's so many people named Jesus. And in Mexico, they're Jesus. So, anyway, so he made a post about fake friends, which is something Jamie Foxx would absolutely do. Okay?

That's what people do when they're jamie foxx all right they make posts about fake friends especially after what went down with him like you know he's got people thought he had ms and shit and now he makes a post about fake friends so people go oh dude he's talking about jews you know some jews are saying it some other people go, oh, dude, he's talking about Jews. You know, some Jews are saying it. Some other people who aren't Jews, we don't say that about Jews during times like these with so much anti-Semitic stuff going on. And Jamie Foxx is all, hey, hey, what? I didn't mean that.

And that should be the end of that. But people say, doesn't matter. You did it. And this is how we took it. And yes, you did mean it. And now with anti-semitism running rampant you need to be held accountable for it cut ties with jamie foxx and it's all okay but he didn't mean it plus now black people are saying it's black culture to say they they meaning the

people that keep us down that want to oppress us or, or backstab us or whatever the hell it is. My thing is, I wish it was DJ Khaled. I wish it was DJ Khaled and not Jamie Foxx that did this. Because he's been saying, they don't want us to succeed. They don't want us to get shrimp, so we get some shrimp. And for me, they're the ones that killed Jesus. And for people to be like they're the ones that killed Jesus and for people to be like that's anti-semitic you couldn't do it to DJ Khaled you know and Jamie Foxx put out an apology dude you gotta they probably pressured it into him the producers of We Clone Tyrone

pressured him into it dude the producer of Let's Meet Shazam or whatever his fucking jerky game show they fucking dude. Beat Shazam, right? Let's Meet Shazam. Wow. An 80s sitcom.

Beat Shazam. That's what it's called. His game show. Man. You better call Tyrone. Call him. man you better call tyrone call him but you can't use my phone so dick what's her name erica vadu dude and people are just like she's fucking absolutely unbelievable the artistic integrity and then she's all just like you you better call Tyrone. So basic. Call him.

But you can't use my phone. Now basic and then rude, to be honest. Fuck you. That's my phone. Hands off. Take your dirty mitts off my phone. It's mine. But yeah, dude.

Jamie Foxx isn't anti-Semitic, and that's very obvious, I'm sick and tired of this shit, but, you know, that's where we're at, and it's fine, and it's fine, and it's, it's fine, okay, It's fine. And it's fine, okay? I don't know, man. Apologizing is, and I don't say this a lot, but apologizing at this point is fucking weak sauce, dude. Wow.

I hate that so much. How about they got Lizzo, dude? The Lizzo shit is unbelievable. Oh, dude. Lizzo called you fat? Oh, yeah? That shouldn't bother you. Just point your eyes in the direction where the word's coming from. You'll feel fine about it i mean for fuck's sake

it's like calling steve buscemi ugly hey just point your eyes in the direction that the words are coming from you'll be all right who said that oh you you think i'm oh oh, I'm fine. Hey, also, you're fat. Dude, and you know, dude, she pressured me into, she pressured, that's the thing. She pressured me into touching a banana that's coming out of another lady's vagina. Hey, say no. I'm good. Now, but you should. I'm good. Now, good now but you should hey i'm out of here oh yeah well you're fat oh you're gonna hear from my lawyers dude here's what you say when lizzo says you're fat. You go like this. You're fat.

Also, here's the thing. They were in a party environment and they put a banana in the lady's vagina or whatever, which I don't condone. No fruit goes anywhere except in the mouth, I feel like. Right? Unless, honestly, if you think you can get a watermelon up your anus, then okay, straight up. I want to see it. I want to see it go down. Just put it in your anus and then burp up the seeds. Ate a million dollars and shit it four million quarters.

Who's the rapper that said that? Like, it's hard, but also why? Ate a million dollars and shit it four million quarters. He's just the fucking bank, really. really are you tied you type it in who is it you know okay anyway uh they were having a party they stuck some bananas up some uchiwale and they say hey you know touch a banana hey you should do it no okay oh hey, oh, I touched a banana in the Uchiwali. Oh, god damn it. And then you know

it turned into, what's up? We're all fat bitches. You fat, huh, bitch? And she's like, ah, ha, ha. Yeah, okay. You know, it's just like, you made me touch the banana in the Uchiwali, and then you're talking about my weight, and you're not, it's not like you've seen a treadmill very, you know, recently. So it's like, oh. And then some ambulants chasers came through and was like hold on they did what

and you work for her so hold on that's workplace harassment and it's like dude come on we're all gonna be dead in 20 years anyway there's aliens think about how in 2000, if alien, if the if the if Congress was like, yo, there's aliens, we would have stayed indoors for seven years. And now people are like, hey, there's aliens. And then someone else is like, yeah, but Lizzo called me fat. And and Jamie Foxx hates Jews. And you go, hmm, good point. and Jamie Foxx hates Jews. And you go, hmm, good point. It is so crazy, dude.

So guess what, dude, now I'm a Lizzo fan. I fucking love Lizzo, dude. Don't know one of her songs. What's the one that goes, I'm that bitch, I'm 100% that bitch. I stick a banana in your uchiwale. So yeah, dude. It's like, they're really coming for

the black people, man, now. It's like Lizzo and Jamie Foxx. Dude, this is the thing about the woke. They don't give a... This is why it doesn't pay to be woke. Lizzo was woke as fuck with all their... What's her thing called? Big Girls or whatever with no I? Big Girls. She has a show called Big Girls. And people are like, oh, you know, it's great. She's giving, you know, plus size women, which is like, you know, I mean, chances of dancing or what, I don't know what they do. They dance. I mean, chances of dancing or what, I don't know what they do. They dance.

It's just too, it's all good. It's too much. But it's all good. But it's too much, but it's all good, right? But the aliens are good. We're going to be dead. 20 years is good. You give us 20 years?

I'm just like, you give us 20 years? I don't think so. I don't know about, but whatever it is, what it is. And I feel like what was the fucking thing? See, that's the thing. It's too much sensationalism because of how Elon Musk and what's hisname is going to maybe fight.

Zuckerberg put a thing out on threads where he was like – I like how they just like – They don't respond to each other on each other's platform. Zuckerberg will just screenshot it and then put it on threads. He's like, nah, this one. And he put it – Elon Musk said, well, I'm training for the fight, I don't have time to work out, um, but I'm gonna, that's why I brought my weights with the, to the gym, or to the, to my workplace, okay, fine, but then also, also, and then Zuckerberg was like, I suggested August 26th, but I haven't heard from him, so I'm not holding my breath.

Zuckerberg is in it. Zuckerberg's going to win this thing. And I hope when he submits him, he goes, Facebook. Boom, smashes his head. This one's for threads. And this one's for Facebook. And this one's for Facebook. And this one's for meta. Ah.

Um. So I don't think that's going to. I don't know if that fight's going to happen. I think if it was up to, honestly, Zuckerberg, it would happen. But I think that Elon Musk, it's like, just be theuce wayne that you are don't lose this fight right both guys i guess stand to gain something from this even if they do lose but it's like they i feel like elon's dick is too big to do this because what if people realize it's shorter um speaking of fights though that fucking jake paul nate diaz fight for some reason my wife is like all about these fights i didn't even i i knew it was

common because of social media and shit and i followed jake and logan but like uh my wife was just like let's go downstairs and watch the fight and i was watching pb herman with calvin and i was like uh i don't i want to watch this with him you know and she was like okay i'm gonna go down and watch it and i was like okay so she did it we watched an episode of pb herman then i put calvin to bed and it went down to the uh um we we usually to be honest we usually both put him to bed if we're home if i'm home i should say and then we there if i do one night she'll do another night um but like she did last night it's very even i hate when i'm out of town though and

i don't get to do it i facetime a lot whatever i digress so um i went down to the thing and and she was like man jake paul has been really like punching him a lot in the beginning i was like oh yeah diaz is crazy though like he has crazy stamina but he isn't a boxer so whatever and um and the last round it was like getting heavy and fucking kristen's nowhere to be seen i'm like where the fuck are you going she's like i can't watch it i'm like dude i didn't even want to watch this shit and now i'm watching you're not not that i didn't want to watch it it was fun to watch it but uh nate diaz was uh i don't know man if that was and now they say they want to do mma which is crazy because that's the whole thing that the whole thing about what nick diaz nate diaz says was about how like yeah he may be in boxing but it

doesn't mean he can fight which which is so true, dude. That's not fighting. It really isn't. The more and more I watch boxing, that's not fighting. It's boxing. It's a sport. It's a complete sport. And UFC is absolutely fighting.

What's the fucking Nick Diaz interview? This is what I wanted to watch. They got Nick Diaz, nick diaz's brother on um no nick diaz um that was pretty wild come on come on come on i can't find the video guys sorry i can't find the video but he was absolutely on fucking zooted dude he was just zooted he was like i i want to i'll fight logan the only thing that makes sense i fight logan and nate diaz is a huge star nick diaz is a star in the ufc community but nate diaz

transcends the uh the thing so i don't know if i don't know if they're gonna get that fight going on it's all about entertainment anyway but whatever it's not boxing it's entertainment right can we agree on that but maybe i mean i'm not to take anything away from jake paul i think jake paul has been really put in the work and he looks like a good boxer although that's me coming from a coming from a coming comedian from a comedian from a comedian i mean you know foghorn leg leghorn um so that's what's up i think it's great that uh gucci main is coming out with a fucking show um an album called wappenheimer you know what the fuck is wop anyway is that a thing that that rappers do wappenheimer

like what is this wappenheimer um gucci man on wappenheimer out now oh it's out now dude hell yeah dude shouldn't it be guappenheimer because that means like money dude hmm i'm uh not in i'm not really good at hip-hopping, though. So here we go, dude. This is a video I saw, and this is insane, dude. A demon came with his penis. Gonna start it over, dude. Gonna start it over. Demon came with his penis. So descriptive.

Here we go. A demon came with his penis and put it in my mouth. Dude, you know? I mean, it sounds like something a demon would do. That's true. And then he came again and he slept with me last week. Oh, that just keeps sleeping around, you know? It was a demon and then he came again.

The pastor said that I then he came again. Did it raw as herpes, dude? Did it raw as chlamydia? Did it raw as gonorrhea, dude? Wasn't a demon, was Derek. Hit her in the head. Wow. So did assault.

Dude, I know how to make this assault better more assault who are you who are you speak who are you this sucks dude honestly people are so it's so fake and you can tell it's fake and even she is like when she's going in her head she's like i hope this is real because something needs to work a demon came inside that might came in a demon came in with his penis look at that demon look at that demon look at that demon demon in the private part spraying now he sprang her uchiwale through her jazz. When I went to the bathroom, I think 15 minutes later, some white stuff came out.

Dude, the dog, the dog, the meme of the dog like this. Some white stuff came out when I went to the bathroom 15 minutes later. You got gonorrhea, dude. You got gonorrhea from Derek. Wasn't a demon, dude. It was Derek. After I spray with the water.

After I spray. After I spray with the water. After I spray with the water. After I spray with the water. Dude, absolutely bonkers insane. Rob Hay sent me that. Shout out to Rob Hay on the Patreon. But yeah, dude. A demon.

I don't know, man. Some women would brag about that, dude. You know I got Babadook in the bed. You know I got Babadook. Don't you know I got Babadook? So. My back hurts. That's great, dude.

That's great how my back hurts, dude. All right. Took a little pee-pee break. Man, this Megan Rapinoe. Rapinoe? Not Rapinoe? Rapinoe sounds right because it sounds Italian. Megan Rapinoe. Hello, I am Megan Rapinoe. rapino rapino sounds right because it's uh sounds italian megan rapino hello i am megan rapino dude she is david spade um he so she lost so she makes a big thing about super being uh

super woke and shit she's got teal hair and um she she didn't make her penalty kick dude leave her alone first of all you know but that's the thing about people are just like you know she misses a penalty kick and now everyone's like it doesn't even go from like oh dude you ruined it they just go die slow bitch you know and that's crazy so it's like uh leave her alone but that's what happens when you fucking and you're really annoying dude and then that happens you know i don't know and then trump is just on immediately you know he's immediately on one because she said she would not go to the thing she would not go to the white house if she was invited right or there was an open invitation or something um who once refused to visit the trump white house yeah okay and um so she did this she missed the paint the the field the field goal or whatever they lost to sweden by the way which

is that are they even good um i don't feel like sweden swedish people can play soccer well you know because they don't have to because their life is so dope. Fucking Swedish people is awesome. By the way, dude, are there just like white people in Sweden or what? It's like pretty white and blonde, right? I mean, that's what it's known as. Look, I'm tired of hearing that, honestly, America is racist because we're letting everybody in. That's why. It's hard to be with people

anyway, any difference. Dude, you see a short white dude and he's in the way, you're like, hey, short fucker, move. You know what I mean? It's all about what they look like. Hey, hey, a big guy, fuck, hey, two steps to the side. Can you do that without having a fucking cardiac arrest? That's what happens. You look at the differences. So if it's a black guy or an Asian, all of a sudden you do shit that's going to lead to stop Asian hate. But my point is America is not even really the racist country, dude. We're letting everybody in.

The racist countries are the motherfuckers like Sweden. Dude, they're the people that are just white. Bring them out. Invite the black people. Invite the Asians. But you won't though, right? You know how hard it is to get a fucking, what do you call it?

A visa over there? For black or Asian dude? Because they're like, no, no, we actually don't want them. We feel good for them and we want them to be happy. But we are all full at this point. We have no vacancy. Treat us like La Quinta Inn, okay?

We cannot have these here. We are Eratosin, basically. You don't have very... Dude, so I'm tired of hearing that fucking America is built on racism. We let them in at least. We're awesome, dude. Yeah, you know, there are race wars. But still, we're letting them in.

Let's figure it out. So they lost to Sweden, which is, I can't imagine they're good at soccer, dude. so they lost to Sweden, which is, I can't imagine they're good at soccer, dude, countries that are good at soccer, are, are,

are poor as fuck countries, that only have soccer, they got like fucking Christmas, is like a winter wonderland, in Sweden, they have money, you know, but you,

you know, Colombia, and you know, Cuba, and like fucking, the one with the E, and then Venezuela, those places have to be good because they're like you know the only thing i had when i was young was this ball and now i am able to live in the life of luxury right

all i have in this world is my ball all i haven't all i haven't like the fucking so uh donald trump was just like he goes like this on on x i guess it's called now god that's so fucking annoying the loss was fully emblematic of what is happening to our once great nation under crooked joe biden you know he wrote on a social media platform oh his social media platform does he have one now or did he use twitter that's the twitter many oh this is truth social is that so they so he didn't use twitter anymore or he does? Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Okay. He's unblocked but still doesn't use it.

Many of our players were openly hostile to America. No other country behaved in such a manner or even close. I love that. So Trump to be like, or even close. He added woke equals failure. Nice shot, Megan. The USA is going to hell. Maga. Dude is going to hell. Maga.

Dude, going to hell? Imagine if you missed the penalty kick and the devil was just like, that's enough. And they just bring USA down with them. The blue-haired woke woman lost. Is she a woman? I don't know how she identifies, but she missed the penalty kick.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. So, yeah. I'm annoying. One fire told me it was Rapinoe and not Rapinoe because that's ridiculous. And so I said it Rapinoe, but I know it's Rapinoe. So it's all good. Yeah, I know. It's okay.

Everything's crazy, but it's okay, dude. Honestly, I'm going to be totally true because Wayne Brady came out as pansexual. So that's cool. I love Wayne Brady, dude. And he's pansexual. Now, a lot of people are confused what pansexual means. What pansexual means is you're not attracted to gender. You're just attracted to a person. And if you love them, you'll fucking blast them, right? You'll blast them. So it doesn't matter. A lot of people are like, well, that's bi because you just, you'll blast whoever. And he's like, no, pansexuals were like, no, it doesn't matter if they're male or female or anywhere in between. If I love them, I love them. And that's when I'll

do the blasting. That's when I'll absolutely crim inside of them, right? It doesn't matter what they are. Okay, but it's kind of bi in a way, but it's pan. All right, well, you call tomatoes, tomatoes, whatever you want. If I'm in love with them, I'm doing blasting inside.

That's what I'm doing, okay? Male or female? Secondary. Love them? Blasting. Right? So, Wayne Brady came out as pansexual and, you know,

but he's been married forever, so he's never really blasted inside anyone except his wife, which is cool. So, can you really say, yeah, you can be totally, you can be gay if you didn't blast in dudes, right? It's all up in here, isn't it? I want to blast dudes, but I don't blast dudes. I'm gay. I blast dudes, but I didn't want to. I'm not gay.

Isn't that crazy? But you're still doing gay stuff, right? You're doing gay activities, right? So, why are you doing gay activities if you're not gay. Isn't that crazy? But you're still doing gay stuff, right? You're doing gay activities, right? So why are you doing gay activities if you're not gay? So maybe there's some stuff in there that maybe leads to, points to the gayness, which is fine. And I'm not saying Wayne Brady. I'm just saying someone who's gay. So congrats to Wayne Brady for coming out as pansexual.

You know, I'm just going to, I'm my own sexual. My own sexual. That's what I am. I'm my own sexual. And that's what I do. And what is it? It's pretty much heterosexual. Oh, okay's what i am i'm my own sexual and that's what i do and what is it it's pretty much heterosexual oh okay cool sounds good but it's my thing so it's my own sexual um my own sexual idaho my own prophet idaho people told me that movie's good

never watched it never wanted to didn't care won't won't won't watch it dude when that came out everyone was all talking about it that was the first time i ever was like this dude everyone's talking about this too much i'm not gonna see it dude he's himself um that's what that chick that was in some stuff and then never any other things he probably just had a family and shit she's a huge trump supporter you know dude it's so uh i'll tell you what dude man my younger self just learned. I learned that Natalie Portman's single now. My younger self goes like this.

Damn, dude. Natalie Portman. She's crushed shitty, dude. Love Natalie Portman. And she is getting a divorce, which sucks, dude. I hate when people break up. Really hate it. And they're breaking up.

And I think it's rumored to be that the husband cheated. And then it's like, oh, okay. Well, that's, you know, you know, it sucks. And then you learn he's French and you go like this. Well, it's not cheating if he's French, you know? I mean, like French dudes, you gotta know that's in their blood, right?

But of course, they say, they don't even count it as cheating because it doesn't have love involved. But of course, you know? Did you fuck another woman? But of course. What? But what about our vows?

That does not have anything to do with this. That is something else. But of course. But did you cheat? No. Why not? Because I only love you. But why did you stick your dick in a woman?

It was plenty. It wasn't just one. But of course. But of course. But of course. French dudes just do it. French dudes cheat at brunch. You know?

Like, they can't. It's unfair to tell a French dude, yo. You know, you can't. They would literally shame you on Twitter until you committed slewicide. But, yeah, Natalie Portman is single, and the French guy did the French shit. You know? Honestly, getting mad at a French guy for cheating is like getting mad at a midget for being short or not being able to reach the peas

um i guess you can't say midget but it's okay it's fine uh benjamin millipede oh he had an affair that's what that's what us says us isn't shit reports dog shit and stuff. So who knows? It's crazy that Natalie Portman is 42. Wow. Rumors swirled that Millipede was having an affair with Camille Etienne, a climate activist. Well, I'll tell you something right now. Do not have an affair with a climate activist. That shit's going to just go up in flames.

Wow. And I'll tell you what, they'll never blame Camille Ettenet, the climate activist. Let's see who she is. Camille Ettenet. 25-year-old climate activist, huh? Imagine being a climate activist. Imagine being a for real climate activist. That's what you're known as.

That's crazy, dude. People using hairspray like, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. The ozone. Hairspray like no no no hey hey hey Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey and the, where the boat's trying to dock, and the white guys are not moving the boat. Did you see this? The white guys are not moving the boat, and the black guy's like,

hey, you gotta move the boat. We got a huge fucking, it was like a huge, what do you call them? Like ship, not ship, but like a big thing. And he's like, I'm supposed to be parking here,

or whatever they do, docking here. And the white guys are like, nah. And then the black guy and the white guy come up to each other, and the white guy swings up on him. And then the black guy starts fighting back, and then it's all I have heard about

for the past two days, and then I'm like, all right, I'll watch it. I watch it. It's not that fucking big of a deal, dude. It's like white guys were on a boat, and then black guys were on the other boat, and then the black guys came to defend the other black guy, and people are making it like it's racing. It's probably a little – I don't know if it is or not.

This goes back to what I was saying. Dude, people just don't like differences. If you're fighting a guy who looks different, in your head you're like, fuck this motherfucker, whatever he is oh come on you fat fuck you know so all of a sudden i'm fighting a black guy i'm racist that's how it's going in my head all of a sudden i'm doing asian i'm fighting an asian guy i'm like all right's cool. But it's too bad we're not in a driving competition. You know, I would fucking kill it. And in my head, I'm doing that, right? I'm not saying it out loud in the fight because that would be racist. But in my head, I'm practically

in a retirement community in fucking West Palm Beach. That's how racist I am. Do you know? Because like, I'm not, I don't care if you're, that's how unracist I am. I don't care what color, creed, religion, midget, or not you are, whatever you are, I'm going to be mad at that and use that, that I, that's why I hate you. Do you understand what I'm saying? It's backward logic in a way, but it's not in a way because I will hate you equally as I will for somebody in a different minority or shortness or fatness if I'm fighting you. And that's the reason why my hate is going to kick drive into Mach 11, right? Because, you know, ah, yeah, too bad you didn't put down some of the pizzas. You might have been a fucking little bit better winded. Pop, right?

I don't hate fat people, but right now I do. Right? And that's across the board for everyone, dude. And if you act like it's not, dude, I'm in line. Someone cuts in and it's a fucking short guy? Right? Where's your dad, buddy? That's me.

Because you cut in line, and I'm using what I see that's the difference between us. Right? Right? A bald guy gets in line. Hey, bud, this ain't the line for fucking toupees, right? Because I look at what the difference is between us. So now a black guy comes, or now an Asian guy comes in oh shit he's racist but really that's just the difference between us is that i can't be blindfolded with dental floss and it's so stupid dude i'm a fucking asshole

i don't you know because guess what if you don't say anything silence is violence too so I'm right here in line and you cut in front of me and whatever you are that's who I hate now so I saw that fucking boat thing and it was just like it was okay man

but the commentary from the people who filmed it, the black people, the people who filmed it that happened to be black, the commentary was just way, way better, you know? I mean, way better. There's a black lady who did it. You know what? I'm actually going to pull it up.

I'm going to pull it up. What's the fucking link here? Because I going to pull it up. I'm going to pull it up. What's the fucking link here? Because I got to pull this up here. Yeah, I got the link actually. Riverboat Brawl in Montgomery. I got it right here. Let's send it out. Let's send it out.

Let's send it out. Is it here? Okay, here we go. Here we go. Did this lady, who happens to be black, was killed in the commentary? Honestly, ESPN should hire her. Being dead serious. Oh my God, Sandra Bullock's partner died?

That's horrible 57? Alright here it is The fighting continued This was it Dude her fucking Commentary I swear to god she's the Chris Berman of fucking boat fights One going going Gonzalez commentary. I swear to God, she's the Chris Berman of fucking boat fights. Back, back, back, back, back. Juan going,

going. Back, back, back, back, back, back. Gonzalez. Come on, dude. Computer doesn't work. Yes, dude. Here we go. Loading ad. Great. Come on, guys. Stick with me, guys. Let's just wait together. It's not fair. I have to do the waiting and now there's an ad. So together it's not fair i have to do the waiting and now there's an ad so it's not fair i have to do the waiting so you do the waiting with me so here we go but this is it uh it says soon though other black people jumped at them dude i love how

the guy threw his hat up and then all the other black people came somebody said it was like the bat signal for for black dudes which is hilarious dude here we go for black dudes, which is hilarious, dude. Here we go. Waddy. The Chris Berman of boat fights. Whatty. The Chris Berman of boat fights. Here we go. Here we go.

That's awesome. They're ready to move something. Imagine Chris Berman doing it. They're ready to move something. Oh, wow. Not even a part of it. A story above. Oh. You know?

Woo girls are the worst. Wow. Beat they ass. That what you get. That what you get. Hell yeah, dude. I swear to God. Tear their ass up. Wow, sex.

If they... Someone fell in the water. Someone fell in the water. Tear his ass up. Y'all were wrong. Dude. Elvis, Elvis. Dude, how amazing is it that if honestly ESPN hired her, that would be the shit, dude.

Oh, shit. He knocked it out the park. Oh, it's gone. Uh-huh. I swear to God, ESPN would fucking. Oh shit. He knocked it out the park. Oh, it's gone. Uh-huh. I swear to God ESPN would fucking, it would, you know, it would, you know, it would. So, but they won't. Pussies. Pussies. I guess you don't really believe Black Lives Matter. Pussies ass ESPN guys. Um, let's see this baseball fight here jose ramirez

rocking tim anderson he's safe oh shit oh no like this is hockey oh we fucked him up we didn't even look Oh, shit. Oh, no. Like, this is hockey? Oh, we fucked him up. We didn't even look. Shit, even look.

That was a bad fight. Let's watch it again. That was a bad fight, but he got lucky. Here we go. Well, why are they mad? I gotta know, dude. I don't care. Ramirez didn't even look.

He didn't even look. He didn't even look. Dude, that's unbelievable. He didn't even look. He was throwing haymakers and connected. That's not fair. It doesn't count. It doesn't count.

Redo. Redo. Dude, they fought. What is this? They fought like they were hockey players, bro. Let me tell you something. Have you ever met a hockey player? Have you ever met a fucking hockey player? Dude, they are so tough. It's unbelievable. tough it's unbelievable I can't even believe when you shake their hands it's like shaking a tree and they've gotten so many fights dude and their balance is fucking amazing you know that's why they're so good at fighting I see guys at the gym on that bosu ball you know doing like one one-handed fucking deadlifts or single leg deadlifts and i'm just like yeah you're working on your balance you could probably fight good i need to get on that shit i

need to start doing deadlifts with one leg but it hurts my hips kind of wow this is really adult this is really devolved honestly um from the boat fights to that but i just feel like uh hockey players are so dope and they're cool and they're also sexy and that bothers me because hockey players are fucking they work out all the time and they're so good with their legs. And I'm so jealous of their legs and they can fight on ice, which is crazy. If you think about it and my wife probably likes them. And even when they get older, is it good to date an athlete and marry an athlete? Because most of,

let's just take it at face value. Athletes are really good at what they do and they're top, they're good for like, I guess, breeding and shit. Like, you know,

Mark McGuire, his kid will probably be good at fucking running. Especially with that ass that McGuire's got a fucking dump truck right i'd dress it up real nice i wouldn't do anything to it i'd just dress it up real nice and take pictures of it but um yeah mcguire's got like a dump truck which is great but then it's like most ball players

are fucking idiots, you know? And I don't mean ball players only. I mean, mostly athletes are just idiots, you know, generally. But it doesn't mean that they're all idiots. Some of them are very smart, okay? But the focus is on chasing a ball. So you don't really get smarter doing that unless you're also reading or

having great in-depth conversations, which are not because you're hanging out mostly with other guys who are chasing a ball or, or catching a ball, you know? So it's like, you know, these chicks and stuff, they like are like, yeah, athletes are hot and they are hot and they might, you know, yeah, athletes are hot, and they are hot, and they might blast you into oblivion, but you better just get knocked up and then steal their money, right? Because for the long run, I'm not sure you want to be with an athlete. Now, that's not saying you want to be with a cuck, right? You're not interested in cuck behavior. You're not interested in a guy

that would be in a fucking T-Mobile commercial. Do you know what I'm talking about? You're not interesting in a guy that would be in a fucking t-mobile commercial do you know i'm talking about you're not interesting in a guy that would be really in any commercial honestly because the people who are in commercials are straight up mr keeps it dry you know what i mean like they're just ridiculous they look ridiculous dude guys in commercial are just fucking they should all be billed as mr keeps it dry because that's just they're just so bitch, you know? And like, they're in like an Argyle sweater and like some black wire rim glasses and shit. And they're like, can I help you? Can I help you with your mobile plan? And you're just like, dude, wet it up, man. I can't. Why? Because I'm Phil Keeps It Dry. You know what I'm talking about?

So it's like, you want the guy in between, right? You want the guy in between. You don't want a rock star because they do a lot of drugs. I'm just saying. You don't want a banker because they do hella coke, right? They can't stop doing coke. The amount of time a banker, the amount of times a fucking banker or a broker goes like this, a fucking banker or a broker goes like this, what's up? And you see fucking white cake under their nose. It's honestly 35% of the time when a banker says what's up that they have white cake under their nose.

So it's like, who do you go for, right? And I think that deep down, women do really respect loyalty and that's the number one thing they want, even though bags and shit are so dope and shoes. But a woman really wants loyalty, right? So it's like who's loyal, not dumb, won't spend hella money on Bolivian marching powder, and will be a good family man. But needs to make some money. So it's like you can't go school teacher because they make fucking chips. They make nothing. Who's that leave?

You got to get like a guy who owns a business. That's what you got to have. You got to get like a guy who owns a business, but not a business that's too successful. Like if you date the CEO of Kaiser Permanente, that guy's got crazy demons. He won't stop building. You got to get a guy who is like the CEO of a sandwich place that has like three places locally, you know? And he's got, he's like, yeah, make a lot of money, but there's also a lot, we've got to pay a lot of guys, you know? So it's like, I'm always trying to figure it out. That guy's the best guy.

Right. And I'm glad I figured it out for you. I'm the dating's like I'm always trying to figure it out. That guy's the best guy. All right. And I'm glad I figured it out for you. I'm the dating guru. I'm like, I'm a hitch. That stupid fucking movie with Will Smith. Anyway, dude, I'm glad to be there for you because I'm hitch. But yeah, dude. It's crazy. You want something crazy crazy but you also don't want the crazy thing you know god really fucked us on that god really fucked us on that didn't they because like we we want stability but we also our midbrains are activated when you see a fucking red lamborghini not red that's not my thing but if the shit's the color of throw up, holy fuck, I need that. You know? If I see a Lamborghini the color of throw up, I'm basically a Komodo dragon. Like, I need to fucking get in that car.

My midbrain activated. Like, I'm one of the fucking Avengers. Like, I'm in fight mode. I need to get in that fucking car. Right? But also, I know that that's not. i can't put two fucking car seats in the back of that they don't even have two seats in the back so i'm like all of a sudden the lambo color throw up that's out the door but i still want it but it's like okay i'm not going to be

mr keeps it dry with a fucking minivan so i get the audi rs q8 i guess but then it's like can we tint the windows and my wife wife's like, I can't see out the windows if we tint it, and I'm like, what if we do a lower grade than we did with the fucking bloody guts Mercedes, and she's like, I don't really want to, so I'm like, all right, life's all about balance, my babies, I guess that's what it is, and you know, you don't want to go to minivan, but you don't want to go to activate the midbrain too heavy because then it's like you might as well be a fucking komodo dragon with poisonous saliva you know it's not even the poisonous saliva it's the bacteria in it that gets all in your cut and you gotta fucking am amputated leg and shit. So it's like, okay.

Either way, dude, I love you guys. And I really appreciate you. Go on, stop by the Crystalia store and get some merch. And I'll be in Charlotte and Knoxville and Little Rock, Arkansas and Nashville and Canada. So go to crystalia.com to get them tickets. Like and subscribe, you know. We'd love it if you leave a comment. And we'd love it if you fucking make

sure you're subscribed because a lot of times they've you know the man messes with us right they really mess with us and i don't mean jews just by just because i said they right i just mean whoever i mean people i mean the man that's what i mean so um i appreciate you and then also uh subscribe and then uh i'll see you on the road also we'd love it if you sign up on the Patreon patreon.com slash crystal you get every we have like 33 episodes there that are not

available to the public and that's just six bucks you get those and you get to chat with us on the discord and you know you send us videos we talk about them on the podcast like Rob Hay did today. Shout out to Rob Hay. So I appreciate you guys.

Thanks, guys. Bye.