Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 333. The Blockchain Is Nothing

Episode Date: August 24, 2023

😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content... come over to Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week we've got hurricanes in LA, Bradley Cooper's nose, the dumbest lie ever told, and how great is the movie Heat? Seriously. It's so good. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk. A lot of Canadian dates. And I know people want me to come to Vancouver, and I'm not not going to come to Vancouver. I am going to come to Vancouver, but that's next year. And I haven't posted about it yet. But I will be in Nashville soon. And like I said, a lot in Canada, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Detroit, Fort Myers, Florida, for some reason, Richmond, Virginia. Didn't have a clue I was going to be there, but I am. And Baltimore, Maryland. Had no clue, clue I was going to be there, but I am. And Baltimore, Maryland. Had no clue, but I'm going to be there.

And then Redding, Pennsylvania and Philadelphia. Pennsylvania. But Redding, Pennsylvania for some reason. Not Philadelphia for some reason. But anyway, you know, go to chrisley.com to get them tickets. And there you have it. We also got some beautiful, gorgeous merch, man. What the heck?

What the frank? Check this merch out. The pockets stay deep. People know that you're loaded because you got them diving boards above your pockets. Because the pockets are absolutely the deepest thing I've ever seen. They're deeper than the abyss. They're deeper than the movie, you know, in the Bedroom or whatever that one is with Nick Stahl. It's a deep movie about a family tragedy, but there is all, it is so deep, as deep as it is.

Dude, did they film my, did they film In the Bedroom in my pocket? In my pocket. So we got the pocket stay deep merch and then life ribs decals so you could sport it out. And then the grow or die hoodies. Oh, God. It's just like, come on, dude. Come on, grow or die. Look at them.

Look at them right there. They're beautiful. So anyway, without further rambling uh let's get into some rambling on the new episode of congratulations every time my producers go like do the thing where they do i think of Wayne's World. And that's fine because they did it in Wayne's World. And they do it all the time. And that's honestly, that means you're a legit radio station, TV station.

And I'm a legit TV station. So I'm not a TV station. I'm a TV station. So, man. um so uh so um man i mean it's been a hell of dude los angeles went through the storm they got their first hurricane ever in history what hurricane hillary wow i'm just like to the storm i'm just like lock her up dude i'm just like, lock her up, dude. I'm just like, but her emails, but the storms emails. That's how I go like that. But man, we got like eight inches of rain or something. I live on a hill, dude, man. There were, it was gushing. It was like, uh,

that, uh, it was like a universal, uh, studios, right? LA at California, whatever, LA is not equipped for the storm. And it's okay. There was mild wind. Now let me actually talk about this. Dude, they do category 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, right? It only means the wind.

That doesn't account for rainfall. Now what the heck? I'm not a barometrist. But it's like, dude, account for rainfall now what the heck i'm not a barometrist but it's like dude account for the water you know come on man account for the water the water is the thing that makes the floods have more people die from the water than they do from the wind i mean come on dude that's either true or i made it up but it's's like, come on, dude. You see all these floods and all this stuff. And remember when Fort Myers had that crazy one? The whole city was underwater. Jeez, it's just like, and I just learned that. But Fort Myers was all underwater. I'll be in Fort Myers also, chrisley.com coming up soon here.

Underwater, I'll be in Fort Myers also. ChrisLeed.com coming up soon here. But dude, it's just like, make it, screw this wind stuff. It's really about the rain, man. So come on, the government, clean it up. Come on, botanists or whatever, not botanists, barometrists or weathered people. I like how weathermen can be like fours and fives, but if you're a woman, a female, weather woman, weather female, you got to be a just all out 10, you know? And also,

that's where the sentence ends actually. But dude, you just got to be an all-out 10. You turn on any weather channel, if there's a female doing, there's a front coming in, and there should be a front. Here, let's check this out. There's a front coming in, dude, and you're just like, ah-hooga. Dude, you're just like, you go, your tongue comes out, ah-hooga. Like that scene from The Mask. Dude, and you're just, and then a guy, and then a guy. By the way, why are there male weathermen? And I'm not, you know, look, I'm not sexist, and I was sexist.

I'm a reformed sexist. I'm not anymore, but I'm also, I'm not crazy woke. You know, I'm not woke at all. I'm not woke. I hate that. But it's like, who the fuck wants to listen to Dallas Rains and his orange face? Ah, we got a cold front. Dude, I want to see, you know what I mean?

I want to see somebody with a backseat on her.'m not trying to be like but you know sometimes i i do this podcast and i think about calvin listening to it when he's like 25 and i'm just like oh well hopefully he'll like it hey son i meant all of this every word oh man so uh i mean everything i say on this podcast and that's why it's not a comedy podcast All of this, every word. Oh, man. So, I mean everything I say on this podcast, and that's why it's not a comedy podcast. That's why it's an absolute drama. I have the only drama podcast. And I know there's storytelling like the whole thing with,

and there he was, found himself stark naked in the middle of a field holding a decapitated head i know they have those story like they tell real stuff and they do like stories like the i saw this i listened to this podcast uh the girl in the blue mustang or something where they arrested the wrong guy and then he got out and the family still thinks he did it and it's like but this podcast is a drama um and it's the only one where a guy just straight up talks to you and it's a drama so anyway whatever dude it's like go go to other guys for your comedy shit like tim dylan and who else has a solo podcast i don't even really know anymore um but yeah, so the storm was kind of cool. I stayed in, we stayed in. I mean, dude, I got to be honest.

Kristen was like, there's going to be a hurricane. And I was like, it'll be fine. And she's like, I'm from North Carolina. And I was like, okay, well, so you're saying you've been through hurricanes? And she was like, yes, I know what we have to do. And I was like, it, well, so you're saying you've been through hurricanes? And she was like, yes, I know what we have to do. And I was like, it's actually, it's fine. She was like, we're going to flood.

We need sandbags. I was like, we're not going to flood because we're on a hill. You can't flood if you're on a hill. It just keeps going. The water will just keep going. And she was like, we got to go to the fire, local fire department. They have them for free. We'll get sandbags.

I'm like, no, dude, we'll just, we won't flood. It'll be fine. It's not even going to. And then I started saying like'll be fine it's not even gonna and then i started saying like dude it's not even gonna get to us like it's gonna dissipate before we even get it even gets here to la and she was like no no no no and then we give a joke and i was like it's not even gonna happen and then even as the rain was coming down i was like dude the storm's not coming and we were laughing we're having a good we're having a laugh you know what i mean that's just like kind of like husband and wife material but but they were just laughing

at each other. You know what I mean? But beforehand, she was like, dude, when my wife hears about something like a natural disaster, it's DEFCON 5.

It's DEFCON. There's going to be a hurricane. She goes like this. Get three generators. Go now. Home Depot. They're going to be sold out. She goes like this, get three generators, go now, Home Depot, they're going to be sold out. Hurry up.

You got to be the first one there. Not, we need, we need, we need a, we need a generator. It needs to have 20,000 Watts. It needs to be capable of 20,000 Watts

and, and, and at least a 17,000 Watts run, run rate. And then, and then you need to go get 90. You need to go get 90 extension cords and i'm just like and get 70 cans of propane and 45 gas tanks and i'm just like dude it's

gonna be fine she's like what if the power goes out we have a baby we have two babies we have a baby we have three babies including you and i'm like i get it that's funny and she's like yeah but you know what about the milk and the fridge and all that? It's going to be, so I go out, I get the fucking generator, dude. You know, it's like, it's like 8,000 Watts. It'll power enough. It'll power the fridge and the shit and the people at the Home Depot. I'm like, Hey, can I get somebody, by the way, 160 people work at Home Depot. It's insane. You go there, half of the people, and there are a lot of customers,

half of the people there straight up work there. Or they're just dressed with orange Home Depot shirts for no reason. Because dude, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't. And they're all like, it's like a little city. They're just driving around on forklifts and shit. Just so slow. Just need help.

You're like looking at the cookies they have for some reason, you know? And then I love to go in that section where there's 50,000 lamps and they're all on. But I'm like, I'm like,'m like hey you know 160 people work there and then i'm like hey can i get some help i want to i need to know what what the fucking generator will do you never can talk right away to the guy who knows what's up they always go yeah let me um all right let me get a and you're like oh you know then the guy comes by how can i help you yeah can i get the fucking there's that funny bit, the Sebastian Maniscalco bit where he's like, Hey, what's the difference between this and this? And then the guy goes, uh, and then Sebastian says, he's going to make it up, dude.

That's what they do. They're going to make, they fucking, they make it up. And, um, and he's like, yeah, this one takes propane. They just read the fucking thing. They're like, this one takes propane and gas, so you might want that one. And the way they say it, I'm like, yeah, I might want that one.

I don't know. I have fucking gas or propane. Do you guys got gas here? No. Do you have propane here? Yeah. Then I want the fucking propane one. You think I want to go to Arco and fill up

just loose bags of unleaded fuel and then just have it in my garage. God forbid my, you know, you know, my son takes a fucking sparkler down there or something on Fourth of July. So. It took so long to get the fucking generator and the propane tank dude and the guy was wearing a mask and it's like dude take it off don't the worker was wearing a mask and then that's fine but then i saw another worker without one so it's like take it off i understand if that's your company rule you got to do it or you get fired okay fine that sucks but if you can't, that sucks, but if you can't beat them, join them, but if you don't have to, take it off.

So now I'm like, all right, so, and I'm grabbing all this other shit too because it's so much like, I'm like, ooh, I want, I'm the fucking sucker that's in the line where I'm like, ooh, certs, you know? Ooh, tic-tacs and, ooh where I'm like, ooh, certs, you know? Ooh, Tic Tacs and ooh, dude, ooh. Ooh, kind bars. By the way, if you've ever eaten a kind bar and you like it, that's the enemy right there.

Kind bars are so bad, dude. Kind bars, every single kind bar are fucking absolute trash. Every kind, and the name kind, dude, I'll do a soft kick to it. I'll tell you what, man, kind bars, dude, eat the blueberry one. It's worse than the chocolate one. It's worse than the walnut one. It's worse than the fucking almond. Dude, they're all bad and they stick to your teeth, dude. They're so, what are kind bars? Who are they for? That's the enemy. You see someone eating a kind bar? That's, I swear to God, that's the enemy. I'm telling you, dude.

You can't trust somebody who likes a kind bar because they think they're eating it for fucking, because they think it's good for you a little bit. They think it's a better version, a more healthier version than his stickers, even though it's not, you know? And they're eating a kind bar and they don't know really what's going on.

You can't trust a motherfucker that eats a kind bar because they're just sitting there thinking they're doing something, know like they've been somewhere god like they never traveled but to tell you about the fucking stonehenge that's the kind of guy who eats kind bars well i've never been but you know the reason why that is that is a kind bar eater if i ever heard it and they got kind bars at fucking home depot i don't like how every store also sells water you know every single store sells water every store you go in and you can also get water it doesn't matter what it's you go to home depot

get water bottles of water and then in 1970 bottles of water weren't even a fucking thing. And that's either true or I made it up. But then bottles of water fucking happened. And now you would be like, remember when the fucking bottle? I remember when I was younger, bottles of water was a bottle of water. What a fucking prissy asshole. You just drink it out of the sink. Yeah, but it has lead in it. And you're like, does it?

Okay, I'll get a bottle of water. It's not that bad. Sometimes the sink water is better than the fucking Dasani shit. Dasani tastes like a fucking someone it's somebody's leftover colonic shit and uh so now they just sell you know water just everywhere go to a vape shop hey dude you got it they got it yeah we got the right there in the in the fridge you're a vape shop hey dude you got it they got it yeah we got the right there in the in the fridge you're a vape shop dude you know you sell terrible shit don't act also like oh yeah you may need a water

i swear to god i went to a place i went to fucking lids they were like dude if you need they had a Powerade water fucking fridge at Lids. Every place has water. And then, now, bro, I was saying this to my brother, and my brother goes like this, dude, what about water shops? And I go like this, what? He's like, yeah, there are places that you can, that just sell water.

And I said, well, no, there's not. And he said, yes, there are. And you can, that just sell water. And I said, well, no, there's not. And he said, yes, there are. And I go link me to this places. You can just buy water pro run by the Russian mafia. I swear to God, there's places you can just go buy water, dude. Imagine shopping there. Just like what a piece of shit, you know? Ooh, let me get the, um, the pH. Do you have a pH? Oh, I remember one time I was fucking Whitney Cummings was trying to tell me about the water and how you got to have this because it's got the pH. And I'm just like, oh yeah. Didn't do shit.

Kept drinking that fucking whatever I was drinking. Shit, kept drinking that fucking whatever I was drinking. You got to be wary about people who eat kind bars and talk about water too much, for real. As I sip on my fucking arrowhead. People think it's pond water. I don't give a fuck, dude. I hope there's tadpoles in my belly. So anyway, dude. so anyway dude um

I drink water and I drink coffee and I drink club soda and that's fucking the most interesting thing I've ever said so go eat my dick and I'll tell you what one time I asked my uncle Vinny I said hey what do you drink and he goes like this water

and I and I said oh yeah anything? And he goes like this, water. And I said, so anything, you don't just drink water or anything? And he goes, water. And dude, he did it three, four times. And I can't, I think about that all the time, dude. My dude, he wanted to laugh. He wanted to laugh out of me, water, like just, so I drink a lot of water. I go to the gym and I sweat it up. And I know I talk about the gym a lot, but dude, this is not even, I actually have a story about it. I know I joke around about how I got the teardrops and all that. And yeah,

I do. It's fine. Right. Right. I got the hamstrings that'll choke someone out and I get it and that's fine. And that's cool. Right. Like I walk around, like I'm a, you know what I mean? Like I could be, it doesn't matter. I can run backwards just as fast as I can run forwards. Okay. But what I'm saying is, yes, I do work out and I'm not, I'm no stranger to the gym, the iron paradise. I get it. I'm the mayor of this fucking place. I need to go on. I need to check the citizens. You know what So I go. And I go to the gym and I'm working out and I'm sweaty as shit, you know. Go back to a grocery store after that. I'm shopping.

Some dude comes up to me. I know I joke around about how I do legs all the time. But check this out for size. Why don't you fucking feast your eyes on, feast your ears on listening to this. If you're watching the, if you're watching the show, feast your eyes on me saying this. But the guy comes up to me, he says, hey man, you work out at the gym, right? That I go to? And I was like, oh yeah, what's up, bro? He's like, hey man, cool. And I said, cool, man i said cool man he says hey man um you work out legs a lot and i say oh yeah man i do i work out legs you know i think that's the most important

thing to work out and he goes like this yeah man and he said respect and i go thanks yeah thanks man and walks away dude are you kidding me fucking talk about making my day dude I walked out of that place and it was just just I mean it was killer i mean yeah i go to the gym it's operation do it to him but it's just like it's absolutely you know it's crazy dude respect who even says that anymore it's like it's respect dude i was on the couch today early in the morning. My wife got up with the kids, and I was still sleeping. And then she came in at like 9.

I almost threw up on my mouth. Came in at 9, and she said, hey, babe, I got the worst sleep. Last night I couldn't sleep. Can you get up and be with the kids while I take a nap? And I go like this. Sure. A nap at nine? That's fucking bonkers insane.

But sure. At nine, you should still be riding the ice slept, even if it was just for four hours. But she had a nap at nine. That's all good. So I go, yeah, sure. I get up. Let me get up, dude. Yeah.

Look, am I resentful? Yeah. But do I do it? Yeah. Does my back hurt? Yeah. Is it okay? No.

It fucking hurts still. And I still worked out, look, am I resentful? Yeah, but do I do it? Yeah. Does my back hurt? Yeah. Is it okay? No, it fucking hurts still. And I still worked out, but it's fine. Okay. It's ultimately fine. I'm just going to work out until my back breaks. And so I go downstairs and I see Calvin and William. William is in a bop. He can't even fucking sit up yet.

You know, he's four months old. And Calvin is sitting on the couch watching Storybots on Netflix, which he likes. It's a cute show. And I'm looking at William, who's in front of Calvin. And Calvin says to me, actually, we want to watch the TV. Actually, let's watch the TV. And I look, cause I was in front of the TV. Like that is so gangster. That is so gangster. And I love him for that. But then I'm chilling. I'm watching story bots. I'm on the couch with Calvin and Calvin says, Oh no. And I said, for that. But then I'm chilling. I'm watching Storybots. I'm on the couch with Calvin.

And Calvin says, oh, no. And I said, what? He says, you spilled my milk. And I look at Calvin, who is on the other pillow, on the other side of the couch. Like, I can't actually even reach him unless I move and go touch him. And he's holding his milk sippy cup. And I say, huh? And he says, you spilled my milk. And I said, I, I'm not even over there. Dude, he's three. And now I'm like, am I about to get an argument with the fucking three-year-old? He says, you spilled my milk. And I said, like, am I about to get in an argument with a fucking three-year-old? He says, you spilled my milk.

And I said, well, Calvin, I'm not even over there. I didn't even touch your milk. And he says, oh, you spilled it. And I said, who spilled it? And he said, you. And I said, well, actually, I took a fucking video of it. And I'm going to play it. Hold on.

Right here. Calvin, hold on, hold on. Calvin, who spilled the milk? I don't know. Okay, well, who's holding the milk? Me. Okay, so, who's holding the milk? Me. Okay, so who maybe spilled it? I don't know. It's anybody.

Yeah, it could be anybody? No. Well, what was happening when the milk spilled? How did the milk spill? I tipped it and it spilled so well well so it spilled when you were holding it so who spilled the milk that was me cracked him cracked him that's like the end of the fucking movie and justice for all went out but you know almost looks into the camera just like he's innocent dude cracked him dude how awesome is that that you can just crack

crack someone like that even though yeah he was three but it's just like just knowing that you got him you know i'm like i'm like i'm like leading them down that path you know i'm leading them down the path like dude i swear to god other lawyers would be like, objection! You're leading the witness! And dude, ho ho! But I'm just like, he's three! Dude, and I just let him down. I just held his hand. I just took a little stroll with him. And at the end, what was there? The spilled milk. And who was holding it? Him.

And then he goes, it was me. I cracked him, dude. Holy shit. Fucking Johnny Cochran in the absolute heezy. So anyway, dude. I'm also a good dad, though. Check this out. That was me. That's okay, buddy. It was an accident.

Right? Yeah. That's okay. Do you want me to get more? Yeah. Okay, buddy. Bro, so I kind of had a happier ending than you thought, but I still did fucking crack him, dude. That's great. He was crying over spilled milk, you know? Bro, wait, wait, wait. Actually, let's look up this thing. This is hilarious. That Bradley Cooper.

They can't stop doing it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know about this shit where, because you had the Jew nose on or whatever the fuck, the big,

big nose, and then they, look at this. Look at this. Well, so now they're coming out with the articles like, why Bradley Cooper's fake nose

may not be an anti-Semitic scandal critics claim. This is the best because the dude had a big ass honker and yeah, he happened to be Jewish. Oh wow,

they made it bigger than it actually is though, didn't they? They got a side-by-side here. The guy had a nice nose and they bradley cooper's playing a jewish guy and they they beefed up his nose look at this hollywood cast look look at this dude these stop anti-semitic and stop anti-semitism there's not enough just get the real shit you know i'm saying? Get on Kanye. Talk about Hitler still.

Hollywood cast Bradley Cooper, a non-Jew, to play. That's fine, by the way, dude. It's fine. It's so annoying. Remember acting? Fucking Al Pacino played a goddamn Cuban in the Push It To The Limits. Scarface, whatever it was. Oh, yeah. Oh, say hello to my little friend. That was

a white guy playing a not white guy acting. Now, I get it. White people have had more opportunity and this and that. OK, the other thing. Now, I get it. That's not right. Yes, I get that. OK, that's fine. But also, dude, it's OK if Bradley Coop Dog plays a Jew. All right? It's acting. It's not like he's going to be out there like, oh, my God, who spilled all the matzah? Like, he's not going to be doing that. Oh, you vague.

I don't know how to park the car. It's all got these different gadgets in it. It's not like he's going to be like that. Oh, boy. It's not like he's walking around like that oh boy that's it's not like he's walking around like oh that's too expensive what do we do he's just fucking you know the guy had a little bit of a bigger nose and and and bradley cooper the makeup the makeup people were probably jewish and by the way it's hollywood so the fucking producers were jewish so holly So Hollywood cast Bradley Cooper, a non-Jew, to play Jewish legend Leonard Bernstein. Wow, he's Jewish.

And stuck a disgusting, exaggerated Jew nose on him. This is what the Stop Antisemitism from Twitter is saying. By the way, being anti-Semitic saying it this way, you know? saying it this way, you know? Eh, seh, anti-Semitic, when you're trying to stop anti-Semitism and you said, stuck a disgusting, exaggerated Jew nose on him, um. Hey, hey, chill.

All while saying no to Jake Gyllenhaal, an actually Jewish man who has dreamt of playing Bernstein for decades. Sickening. Hey, check this out, dude. I'll tell you what. Jake Gyllenhaal is such a good actor, he would have fucking done workouts to get his nose bigger.

For real. Jake Gyllenhaal goes like, Jake Gyllenhaal is the shit because he knows how pussy of a profession acting is. So he's like, you know what, dude? I'm going to play a fucking lion tamer. Put me in a cage with lions for a year and a half because acting is one ticket to pussyville. And I am going to make it a hard job so I can fucking become the guy. Dude, when you saw that movie Southpaw, Hey, Jake Gyllenhaal's a boxer in it. Dude, his body's built like a shit brick house.

I can't ever... Brick shit house? What the fuck is it? I don't know. He's stacked, dude. He's so stacked. I would never... Like, I'm not gay, but I would, you know...

I'd jerk off in a room with him if he was doing it too. I'm just like, right? It's crazy. And, dude, he's so good he would think his nose bigger and he's jewish which is fine i didn't know jake jones was jewish but bradley cooper's not jewish and he goes like this knows me others proclaimed it's jew face i like they're trying to have to hop on the bandwagon of black face when it's like that was actually a thing you know uh the suggestion is that portrayal of bernstein by cooper is a non-jew is dude i can't wait till the pendulum swings and i'm playing a

fucking asian i swear to god an asian woman not trans an asian woman born as a woman never thought about changing genders just straight up and I'm 11 in it you know just fucking caked on the makeup just they have to fucking film every time they

film me talking to an adult they have to dig a hole and I have to stand in it. Because I got to appear shorter than fucking Colin Firth or whoever else is in it. To me, the answer is... Okay, so let's see what they... So the suggestion is that portrayal of Bernstein by Cooper

as a non-Jew is akin to the deeply offensive practice of blackface. It's not. It's not. Newsflash, it's not. In which white actors once donned dark makeup to, okay, yeah, this was bad. Okay, this was bad. Okay. And that brings us to our initial question. Can a Jew be credibly portrayed by a non-Jew? To me, the answer is unambiguous. Absolutely. Drawing from my own experiences, if I were still in the acting profession,

to limit myself only to playing Italian or Puerto Rican roles would just... Dude, they should have honestly for real got the guy from the Allstate commercials to play this guy. To play... And gave him a big nose and white-faced him. And just have him be like,

I'm Leonard... I'm Leonard Bernstein. I'm famous Hollywood'm Leonard Bernstein I'm famous Hollywood producer Leonard Bernstein That's my plan Is he doing the Allstate thing? Why is he standing in the middle of the street During this whole movie? Dude

Bro you know what the fuck What's that guy's name from Allstate? Dennis Haysbert, dude. That guy is the most distinguished man in the world, dude. I swear to God, that guy's so distinguished, he doesn't fuck. He's so distinguished. He'll fall in love with a woman straight off looks, and she'll fall in love too. And then she says, well, don't we have to make love at some point?

And he just goes like this. We don't have to. And they get married and have kids without insemination. That's how respectable. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about the fucking president in 24. It's so crazy how they made a black president on TV before it happened in real life. Dude, that's hilarious. That's so backwards. Um, Dennis Haysburg for president. And I mean it, but he is in the, one of the top fucking, I would say at least top 10 movies, or I would say maybe top five movies. I saw it last night. Dude, Dennis Haysburg is in the movie

and I finally saw it for the first time. And I've been saving this movie because I thought it would be good to watch and I wanted to save it till I could appreciate it. And dude, it is the, it is, first of all, I'm going to go ahead and say it. It's, it's unfair to call it an action movie, It's unfair to call it an action movie, but it is. But it is the greatest action movie of all time, period. And that movie is Heat. Dude, are you? I watched it.

First of all, Kristen goes like this. Let's watch a movie. And I say, well, what do you want to watch? And she says, let's watch Oscar-nominated movies. Now, your boy's seen them all. Hey, because he's cultured. Hey, it's all good. Hey, he's seen them all. Oh. But I'm sifted through the some I haven't seen, right? Turn on

the Insider. Hey, we watched the Insider. All good. Russell Crowe, he's pretty good. He's good. Russell Crowe. He's pretty good. He's good. Russell Crowe's great. Insider's good. Michael Mann directed it. So what popped up after that? I never saw Insider.

I know it was nominated for Best Picture or something. Russell Crowe was nominated for Best Actor. That's, by the way, really funny that Russell Crowe was nominated for Best Actor and Al Pacino wasn't nominated for Best Actor. You know Al Pacino was like, oh, okay. Well, hey, good for. Oh, that's by the way really funny that Russell Crowe was nominated for best actor and Al Pacino wasn't nominated for best actor you know Al Pacino was like oh that okay well hey good good for oh that's great good for good for the Aussie oh yeah good for where the fuck you from where's he from all right there you go here we go on is that about heat what let me see Is that about Heat? What? Let me see.

Oh, no. They're going to remake it? Oh, I thought it was the prequel. Prequel. All right. Well, so, I mean, I got to watch it. Okay, Adam Driver is going to be in a prequel to Heat. Okay, that's fine. That's okay. I think that that's great. I always want to make prequels. I think they should make only prequels. I don't think they should ever make sequels.

Sequels are a recipe for disaster. The shit is done. It's over. If it's a great movie, it's all wrapped up. And then more dude, always make a prequel. Fuck makes so much sense is that chrystalia i think so dude just make a prequel boom money you get the money and you get this if it's good you get this how many sequels are better than two right they got fucking um terminator and godfather right or no not godfather what's the other one i don't know fucking there's one or two um and so man kristen is like let's watch it so we watch insider the next she falls even 20 minutes yes dude now i'm stuck watching russell crowe do a fucking american accent i swear to god 20 minutes in 20 minutes in let's watch a fucking way i always want to watch a good movie let's

watch i've seen a lot of the oscar winners so let's just watch the let's watch the we'll watch a one that got nominated a lot okay cool instead of oh she goes oh i said go play 20 minutes later, Kristen. She's Kristen Wiig from Bridesmaids on the plane. And so now I got to watch the rest of the movie. I don't want to because it's three hours, dude. The movie should only be two hours, period. Movie should be an hour. I swear, for real.

Even Pocahontas is too long, and that's like an hour and 10 minutes um and so now the next night what pops up in the algorithm heat why because michael man all right dude i'm in look i like the way michael man does it i really like it i really like the way he does it dude and in his heyday in the 90s he was apparently this shit and i just saw insider and it was great so i'm like okay i'm on that michael man train so i turn on heat because she says let's watch a movie i said okay she said but let's go in the bed watch me now i don't like to watch movies or anything or do anything in bed except sleep and doink but she wants to hang out in the bed like it's a fucking like it's hide she wants to hang out in the bed

like it's a fucking like it's an applebee's like it's so she's oh why can't we go up and i'm like oh no can we watch a movie and can you not be on your phone and can we not go to sleep and if we if we can do that then okay she says okay what movie you want to see i say heat she goes like this okay so i go like this the dax stacked she said it now this is a good thing because either i get to watch the whole movie heat or i catch her in a lie even better next morning i wake up and i go like this well well well i come down like i'm crazy fucking villain well well somebody fell asleep there didn't they what you don't know is i've already poisoned your cup your coffee um so i'm watching so we turn on heat and i go like this huh right off the bat interesting there's so many moving pieces. What the fuck? Who's this guy? I keep doing that because I keep introducing more characters. And then I forget about the characters and then go back to the characters and I go like this. Huh. Forgot about that guy, but yeah, I guess he is mouth was open 85% of the time.

And not because I was eating. I legit, that movie is so good. And I can't stop thinking about it. Yes. Now, I know everyone's only like, yeah, it's fucking Heat, dude. You should have watched it. You should have watched it already. But I was saving it.

And I'm so glad I did. Because now I'm 43 43 and I got to watch Heat when I was 43. When the fuck did you get to see Heat? When you couldn't appreciate it? No. My brother asked me when he was going to, when has Calvin seen Jingle all the way? And I say, he's not ready yet. And he says, how is he not ready? He's three and a half. I say, because dude, think about it. You watch a movie during Christmas and last Christmas, he wasn't even three. Next Christmas, he'll fucking watch it. Can't wait to watch Jingle All The Way with Calvin and that's the point of this whole story but he is awesome dude Jingle All The Way is fucking hilarious oh the turbo man I gotta get the turbo man Sinbad should be in legitimately every single movie Sinbad is one of the funniest Dude that guy in movies

Is the funniest House guest Dude When his hands were all numb Was that him or was that Phil Harmon doing the thing Dude when his hands were all numb Holy I get to get the turbo man

I get to get the turbo man Oh dude They really killed Jingle all the way I get to get the Tibber, man. Oh, dude. They really killed Jingle all the way. But anyway. Oh, this clip is... I think this might be... You talk about up your alley. This might be the most up my alley shit i can't even

believe the has this guy ever this guy must have had the best mom of all time to think he could get away with this lie i ain't go to college but um i turned it down. Rob Markman, Jr.: Oh. Yeah, I turned it down just to do this, just to grind from the rap. Rob Markman, Jr.: So you had an opportunity to do the drumming thing? Yeah, a scholarship and everything. Rob Markman, Jr.: Where at? I think it was in Jacksonville. Yeah, a big band in Jacksonville. It was a big college though.

Rob Markman, Jr.: A lot. And they offered me 15, some shit like 10 million or something like that. 5 million, something like that. So different. A scholarship. Okay, but not $5 million. 15, they offered me 15, 10 million, $5 million or something like that. Hey, man, you're not 175 years old you remember you're 30. dude

i put you five million dollars up yeah the fuck are we doing here like what for y'all like you know what i'm saying but i was so younger like wait wait wait i know what it was are you sure they offered you five million dollars to play it down it was a scholarship like i had to go to school for this decade dude this guy know what a scholarship is fuck this guy's talking

about employment dude this is such a I had to go for college for this decade I had to go to college for this decade right to get paid that

it was 15 or 5 million dollars I ain't go to college but I turned it down oh yeah It's a decade to get paid that. It was $15 or $5 million. I ain't going to college, but I turned it down. Oh. Yeah, I turned it down just to do this, just to grind from the rap. So you had an opportunity to do the drumming thing. Yeah, a scholarship and everything. Where at?

Oh, God, dude. Where'd you get a scholarship from? Dude, making it up! The city he picked was perfect, though, because it's a big city that nobody really knows about. Jacksonville, you know? If he was like... Honestly, any other big city would have fucked that up.

Chicago. Oh, well, what is it? Jacksonville, people give you grace with that. I think it was like in Jacksonville. Yeah, a big band in Jacksonville. It was a big college, though. And they offered me like 15, some shit like 10 million, something like that. Five million, something like that. Wait, wait, wait.

A scholarship. Okay, but not $5 million. This is the best part. This guy's so good at lying. This guy had the best mom of all time because his mom was always like, you know, you could do anything. You're the best.

He would trip and fall and she would be like, that's the ground fall, honey. Like this guy just believes in himself, whatever he's saying, no matter what. Favorite you $5 million? My favorite part is when he goes, tsss. Yeah. What the fuck are we doing here like what for y'all like you know what i'm saying but

i was so younger like so younger are you sure they offered you five million dollars i turned it down dude i want to be why can't i be friends with guys like this i try i try to be friends with guys like this you know but it's like i can't because they're just utterly fucking terrible, you know? Who is this guy? A football player or rapper? Because he would get a scholarship for sports, right? Not for rapping. But he said, I'm in this rap game. I mean, this guy's so confused, you know?

That's the best lie I've ever heard in my life. And it's such a good lie that I believe him. School for this decade. It was a scholarship, like, I had to go to School for this decade. It was a scholarship like I had to go to school for this decade. The best was the face when he realized

he could say he had to go to school for the decade. Like he's like, oh, I could get away with this. I turned down college. I turned down, Kyle. I turned down, Kyle. Dude, the fucking... Domino's Pizza will close all 142 stores in Russia.

Is this because of the fucking war? Oh, wow, dude. That's crazy. Hey, your pizza. Hey. Hey. Hey, your pizza. Hey. Hey. Your cheese and bread. Hey.

Imagine Russians just like, they're doing what? Like, dude, first of all, Russians don't give a fuck about anything, and they don't even have to eat. For real. They don't. a fuck about anything and they don't even have to eat for real they don't they could go dude russians are so hardcore they can do they could easily go and i mean and i mean easily they could easily go you know a football player that says he's only been drinking water for three months? Russians laugh in that guy's face. Russians can go, and I mean it easily, they could go, and I'm a scientist so you know this, but they could go 180 days without eating.

180 days. And drinking only every third day. At day 180, they would be like, I have to maybe eat something. And they drink Tabasco sauce and they'd be like, this is good enough. Dude, Russians don't, you think dominoes, what the fuck are they going to do? Dude, oh, dominoes. Imagine a Russian being like, they're taking dominoes what the fuck are they gonna do dude oh dominoes imagine a russian being like they're taking dominoes away from this i don't care we have so many pizza i can just eat whatever but also doesn't matter just because dominoes did this i will now not eat till war is over

fuck them 140 dude that's a huge hit this just means that Domino's was failing in Russia, by the way. There's no way, if it was lucrative, that they would ever do this. There is no fucking way. Imagine, and also, how about everyone who's just out of a job? These aren't even the fucking things that are the problem. Now you got people who are just like, I can't feed my family

with the money I make from Domino's or Domino's? Fuck this. I hope everybody dies in this war. The company that owns franchise rights for the Domino's pizza brand in Russia, Turkey, okay, said Monday it will be filed for bankruptcy. Okay, yeah, there you go. The move highlights the increasing hard choices facing Western firms that stayed in Russia after the start of the Ukraine war.

The Kremlin has made, I don't like that they say the Kremlin, dude. That's so annoying. Like it's a fucking, like it's, you know what I mean? Like it's Thanos. It's just a, the Kremlin. What does it even mean? Just fucking Russia? What does it mean?

The Kremlin is like saying the White House? Change the fucking name, dude. Just at least say the Kremlin House. The Kremlin sounds like it's like... They're like little like... You know? Hey, get out of here. This is the Kremlin.

You know what I mean? Hey, what are you doing? We are the Russian Kremlin. Oh, are you scaly? Yes. I'm the Kremlin. The Kremlin has made it vastly more difficult and more costly for Western companies

to sell their Russian businesses. And it has, in some cases, seized control of firms' local assets. All right, so with increasingly, it's a quote, with increasingly it's a quote with increasingly challenging environment dpr russia dp russia's immediate holding company is now compelled to take this step which will bring about the termination of the attempted sale

process of dp russia as going growing concern and what the fuck are they saying the company operates 142 stores in russia and the country's third largest pizza delivery and concerning. What the fuck are they saying? The company operates 142 stores in Russia and the country's third largest pizza delivery business. That's crazy, dude. Hopefully it's not a domino effect. No, come on, dude. I don't do those kinds of jokes. Who am I, fucking Mark Norman? I don't do

those jokes. They're jokes though, you know, and they work sometimes. Mark Norman's got them. those jokes they're jokes though you know and they work sometimes uh mark durham's good um bro how unbelievable is it that people just straight up stopped talking about thinking about NFTs. If you bought an NFT, and let me tell you right now, if you bought an NFT ever, you're a piece of shit. Okay? You're a piece of shit.

Know why? It was nothing. Okay? It was nothing. It was the most nothing. Hey, blockchain, the fuck out of here. Hey, what are you? Okay? Hey, get out of here, man. Hey, blockchain, the fuck out of here. Hey, what are you?

Okay? Hey, get out of here, man. Oh, yeah? You're a fucking ape face on it? Ah, cool. What's it doing? Blowing bubble gum? What's it got?

A fucking noisemaker? Hey, how much is it? Ah, hey, the fuck out of here, huh? Oh, dude. Oh, but it's a blockchain? Oh, and it's created in a thing? Oh, dude, that doesn't matter. Oh, what do I get?

I get nothing? Ah, cool, man cool man hey move along dude then this is the kind of person that you don't want the you don't want business from somebody who would buy fucking nfts and this is why because they're idiots and then this is why buyers of board ape nfts sue after digital apes turn out to be bad investment. Dude, you're a bro. You know what I mean? You made a bad investment because you're a fucking idiot. And now you're going to sue the person because of what?

What? It didn't promise. They made promises on it is a certain thing and it's not living up to its. What are you suing it for? It's nothing. It never was anything, dude. Look lawsuit soothe soothe bees soothe bees 24 million soothe bees how do you say soothe bees 24 million sale to ftx gave board ape nfts an air of legitimacy so oh dude i wish i was the judge on this case So

Jury Everything's gone done go Whatever they say At the end The Sotheby's auction house has been named as a defendant In a lawsuit filed by investors Who regret buying board ape yacht club NFTs that sold for highly inflatable

Dude this is crazy This fucking bullshit. These guys are idiots. These are like chicks that are like, no, but I shouldn't have. And then they're like, that's bad of him. Dude, you made a choice, a choice as an adult to buy a fucking, not even a picture of a gold ape with an earring on it and glasses that fucking diplo would wear dude you chose it you paid thousands and you're gonna sue dude i hope these guys don't

see a fucking red scent look at this yugauga. Yuga Labs. Investors previously sued board A creator Yuga Labs for company executives, for company executives, and are very celebrity promoters, including Paris Hilton, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kevin Hart, Snoop Dogg, Serena Williams, Madonna, Jesus Christ, and Justin Bieber. The original class action, they sued them? Oh, God. And so the bees was, everyone's trying to get money off these motherfuckers.

Dude, this is, was added as a defendant. So, okay. So Yuga describes its collection of 10,000 board ape NFTs as unique digital collectibles living in the Ethereum blockchain. Ah, get the fuck out of here. Moving along. Moving along. That double as a Yacht Club membership card. So, so what? It's nothing. You bought nothing. Congrats.

When you buy a board ape, you're not simply buying an avatar or a provably rare piece of art. You are gaining membership access to a club whose benefits and offerings will increase over time. Wow. Your board ape can serve as your digital identity and open digital doors for you. Oh, wow. Imagine hearing that and being like, cut the check. Hey, dude, you know what? I got to get my business manager on the phone. Cut the check. Cut the check. We're buying nothing.

What is the law that they seem to have broken? They soared and then plummeted. Look at this. There was border, it peaked at over 420,000 in April 22, but plummeted to about 90,000 six weeks later. How? It's still nothing. How is it even $90,000? Yeah, granted, I don't understand it, but also it's always been nothing. Wow. Everything's crazy, huh?

All good. Unreal. um unreal I hope they all die um what's this here did I already talk about the fucking did I already talk about the flash the Did I already talk about The Flash? The Flash must be terrible. I haven't seen it.

It must be so bad. I want to see it, I guess. The Flash is so... It's got to be so bad. I can't wait to see it. The Flash is now the worst box office flop in superhero film history. Even over Shazam?

I can't believe that. Shazam looked fucking cock-sucking terrible. Just three weeks after Warner Brothers, Ezra Miller starring DC, he's done Ezra Miller, huh? Now he can't. I thought the only hope he had was that there would be a box office smash, making only 55 million. That's crazy. They promoted the shint out of that. I don't swear um budget of 220 million plus 150 million in promotional budget holy christ that's what people don't realize is the promotional thing this is why i say bobby barbie bomb because i know the promotional uh money for barbie was over five billion dollars so barbie fucking bombed dude greatest financial loss suffered by a studio

over a superior dude how did they pay 150 million on marketing when they couldn't even use the main character actor in the promo stuff because he's just so weird hey i'm like the flash or whatever oh my god it's like so how do you feel about the flash oh he's like so fast like oh my god he's like so fast um there's a lipstick and a fucking cape, not a superhero cape, just a cape. Absolutely bonkers. Everyone's bonkers, huh?

Let's look at some of these deserve it scales. God, that one last time of the fucking kid who was like, go ahead, rob me, motherfuckers, and then they took his shoes and shit. Here we go. Deserve it scale. That's going to come back and hit him. Oh, that was a good one. Hit his legs. That was good. If it hit his mouth, it would have been tough, but he deserved it. Wow, that's a pretty good. The guy throws one of those stupid signs up in the air, comes back, smashes him.

The most, so Australian. It's like a boomerang. Wow. That's an eight. That's a good one. But it didn't really have the humor factory, but it kind of did have the humor factor. Okay, here we go. Yep.

Yep. There we go. And that's a nine. Yep. So drunk, dude. I'm so sorry. Sorry. Dude, smashed his lady into the fucking TV set.

That was fucked, he said. Wait, hold on. Is that a guy? In a dress. Wow. You know? Woke up with a big ass fucking nose. Looked like Bradley Cooper was playing her.

Um. Uh. Let's do it here. Flipping into water. Oh, I saw this one, dude, this guy doesn't really deserve that, but my god, dude, if I'm there, and that happens, I go like, this is me in the thing, this is me, if I see my friend do that, ah, we need a new friend. He's dead. Dude, that is a fucking... That's like a 4.

He didn't deserve it. You know what he's probably used to? Diving boards. And that shit was not forgiving at all. And he just tried to do it and then fucking crushed his mouth. Jesus Christ. Oh, we did that one

oh this one's good to review again jumping over the sign we did that one before but that's a fucking nine I wonder what I rated it last time oh he does

okay hold on let's see the beginning. Hold on. Put your hands on. Hold on. Put your hands on. Hands in the middle. Oh, wow, dude.

Hands in the middle. Cock slamming up against the edge of it. Smashing my fucking teeth in. Here we go. Here we go. Wow. God, you know just no business doing that at all here comes tinder let's look at some tinder things dudes talking to matches while zonked on acid hell yeah that's my kind of dude these would be guys who go to my show. Hey, the girl says, and the guy says, I'm on acid right now.

You have very dark energies around you. I think it's best I don't associate with your kind. All the best. Unmatching now. She says, what? He says, I'm on fucking and then drugs. And then under, and the energies tell me you are wrong. Good fucking bye.

Dude, I normally don't think people on drugs are funny because it's like that's the excuse. It's like, well, they're on drugs, dude. But this one's good. Wow. That's a good one. And copying that one, I'm going to send that to all my friends. That's a good one.

Wow. Come on. Get back. Here we go. Here's another one oh that one doesn't exist anymore crane fucking absolutely great here we go online dating at its finest i'm okay i'd be better if i was balls deep inside you though ew that dude just said that? Wow. And then she says, gross. He says, worth a shot. Does he respond after this or is that it?

God. I'm okay. I'm okay. Estimation point two of them. I'd be better if I was balls deep inside you though. Smiley face. Dude, don't you know that's not going to work? That's like whistling outside of a fucking car to a woman.

There we go okay this starts with no you okay what's the mugshot about he says to her she says i got arrested for what nothing bad for real all right you good looking for a FWB kind of thing? Friends with benefits kind of thing? Yeah, before I got to go to jail. Nah, for real, what did you do? She says attempted murder. Damn, you're scaring me. Guys will look past whatever, huh?

Hey, what's up? I'm a dude. That's all good. You looking for a fuck buddy? Ma'am? Okay, let's look at some misconnections. It's time for misconnections. Do you like to eat donut holes? It says

in the subject, looking for those that like to eat donut holes. Okay. Talking about asshole. Huh? How about that? Nice. All right. You know what?

That's it. We're going to end on that one because he's talking about eating assholes and we love to end it on that. I think we did on one of those last episodes. But yeah, I'm going to be in Charlotte and Knoxville and Little Rock and also Nashville and Canada. Go to chrisDelia.com and that's it for this episode

if you want to watch the rest of it on this is for YouTube if you want to watch the rest of it on Patreon go over to Patreon.com Patreon.com slash ChrisDelia and help us keep this show going by your support we really appreciate you if you're on Patreon and we also appreciate you if you're not but leave a comment and

we'll see you on the next one.