Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 335. Give Women Money

Episode Date: August 31, 2023

😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content... come over to Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris got new glasses, dealt with some plane windows, and checks in with the Liver King. Plus Mel Gibson, and the trailer for the 1980 classic, Alligator. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk. Upcoming dates here in Little Rock, Arkansas and Nashville, Tennessee. And then I got a Canada run. And I'm doing Vermont, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Detroit, Michigan. Get tickets at crystalia.com. Appreciate you there. And there's also that new merch that's live up and going. It is, you got the pocketsockets Stay Deep, the beautiful Pockets Stay Deep.

You've got the beautiful Pockets, the beautiful shirts and the T-shirts, high-quality T-shirts, and also hoodies of Pockets Stay Deep with the diving board on the pockets to let people know you've got deep pockets um also we've got beautiful grow or die hoodies for sale right now winter's coming and fall is here among others chrysalia.com thank you so um yes hello and welcome to the new episode of Congratulations. I got this chlorophyll water. What the hell is this? It doesn't taste like water at all, I'll tell you that much. chlorophyll water. What the hell is this? It doesn't taste like water at all.

I'll tell you that much. Ingredients, purified spring water, natural flavors, chlorophyll, lemon juice. Here we go. Organic lemon juice. That's what I taste. Is it supposed to be good for you? I don't know. I don't care. It's just what I picked up.

I didn't know it was going to taste like that. I thought it was going to be regular water. So I got that. I don't know. I don't care. It's just what I picked up. Didn't know it was going to taste like that. Thought it was going to be regular water. So I got that. And that's great. I'm just kind of a chlorophyll drinking kind of guy now. Chlorophyll is in plants, I believe. I have no idea. But it's okay. I am chilling.

I like Magic Mind. I drink Magic Mind. Little shots of the things. Drink it. And I'm chilling. I like Magic Mind. I drink Magic Mind. Little shots of the things. Drink it and I'm focused. And it's a beautiful thing, Magic Mind. So get on that Magic Mind tip. Your boy forgot. Your boy got new glasses.

So here's the deal. I'm not wearing the new glasses, obviously, because you don't see glasses on me, but you know what happened? So here's the deal actually with contacts and glasses. I don't know if you're a contacts wearer or a glasses wearer. And also let's just go to, I understand how great LASIK is. Maybe I'll get LASIK one day. Didn't get it yet because still a little bit unsure about shooting lasers in my eye. Right? Sounds like something that James Bond would be hooked up in a villain would be like,

so laser will be hitting your eyes in one T minus 60 seconds. And then he'd leave. And then James Bond would get out of it. But anyway, I don't know about LASIK. Maybe I'll get LASIK. Now I'm going to get a lot of DMs and comments under this saying like, you really should have changed my life. I got it and I had it for 20 years. I don't know. Maybe I'll get it. But that aside, contacts are better vision than glasses. So I never liked wearing my glasses because I don't want to see less as good as I normally would see. Yeah, dude.

So why would I wear glasses? Now, I was at the doctor's office and I was like, the glasses are not good. They're not cutting it. And he was like, let's try to ramp up your subscription. But then I'm like, won't that ramp up my contacts subscription? And he's like, yeah. So I was like, so I don't want to do that. He's like, let's just see. So I did it.

Guess what, dude? He goes like this. He says, all right, so you need a new prescription. But guess what? They don't make them in increments for contact lenses, only glasses. So your glasses now will technically be a better prescription than your contacts. So now he's a glasses boy. And he's like, do you want the transition lenses?

And I go, let me see what it's like. And they took the UV rays and put it on the glasses. And now my glasses get darker in the sunlight. And they don't get dark enough. And I look a little bit like Iron Man because, you know, when he tints his glasses and shit. But then I'm like, also, they don't look dark enough. But then when I'm looking out of them,

they're not as dark as regular sunglasses. And I like that because regular sunglasses are too dark. Honestly, regular sunglasses are way too dark, especially if your car's windows are tinted, which mine are, dude. Obviously, mine are tinted. My car windows are tinted and you wear sunglasses, you might as well blindfold yourself while you're driving. But yeah, so I got new glasses and I got two pairs. Holy shit, dude. Call me two glasses, two glasses.

Speaking of, um, speaking of glasses, um, oh dude. I actually thought, I actually thought I was going to lose my mind this week. And I don't even mean in like a, oh, he will get crazy for a little bit. I thought my brain was going to break. Okay? I go to get some tattoo work. You know me?

Look it, dude, I'm drawn all over. Right? I'm drawn all the fuck over. You know what I'm saying? I look like a classmate just went to town on me while I was sleeping. And I go to get tattooed. As I'm getting tattooed, I take off my chains, dude. Now, I only take off my chains for two reasons.

Tattooing and fucking. Actually, you know what? I'll be honest. Sometimes I leave it on. I leave it on with my wife and I try to make it hit her face because that's real sexy. You know, it's not low enough. That's the thing about chains. When you're doing it, if they swing too low, it could be hazardous, right? What's the fucking Papu song? My chain hang low, are this right what's the fucking papu song my chain hang low hit her in the face whatever the fuck i don't know dude but my point is i take my chains off for two reasons okay my chains are off now and i'm not either i'm not getting tattoos or fucking but you know what i mean sometimes

when i'm podcasting i guess but so i took my um i think that's ludicrous it blake great breaks glass tables my chain that's so oh yeah dude who's the rapper thatrous. It breaks glass tables, my chain. That's so, oh yeah, dude. Who's the rapper that says, my chain breaks glass tables when I sit down? So don't invite him, you know? So anyway, well, this is all over the place this episode. So I go to take my chains off, get some tattoo work, get up to leave, check out the tattoo, look at the chains and think,

can't forget to bring those home. Leave without the chains. Yes at the chains and think, can't forget to bring those home. Leave without the chains. Yes. Okay. So all good. I know I'm about to leave for Charlotte the next day. And I was at the tattoo place from like two to eight. Leave more than halfway home.

I forget my chains. Call the guy. I need to get my chains back. He says, I'm here. I'm just cleaning up. Drive back. Now, here's the deal, dude. This is great my chains back. He says, I'm here. I'm just cleaning up. Drive back. Now, here's the deal, dude. This is great. Driving back. Now I am 40 minutes out of my way. No,

50. Okay. Because I already drove almost home and then back. And my wife's like, well, when are you going to be home? I'm like 15 minutes. And I'm like, why did I even say 15 minutes? It's not going to be 15 minutes. I said 15 minutes because I was being, you know what I was being? Hopeful. Hopeful for a lot of reasons. Hopeful that number one, it wouldn't make my wife mad. And number two, that it would actually be 15 minutes for some reason. Like all of a sudden I'm just going to, my car's going to do like what the old GI Joe planes did where the wheels just go and take off like that. Right. But there's still traffic and shit. So I go back, I get the chains, but while I go back, I get the chains.

Now, here's the thing about cars. There's a lot of moving pieces in this. It's like the movie Heat, but it all makes sense in the end. Now, you can do Apple Play in cars. Yes, beautifully convenient. Now, you can do Apple Play in cars, but you don't have to do Apple Play in cars.

You can do, you can use the car's map to, to, to ask where you're going now. That seems great. But then you're like, two things I can use. Which one do I use? So you can pick one that you like. Great. I like the car map because it's in the car and I want the Mercedes to do it. Okay. I got the Mercedes that does it. I want the Mercedes to do it. All right. got the Mercedes that does it. I want the Mercedes to do it. All right. My phone's for my phone stuff, texting. And when I'm in the car, I best be using the car maps because I want the Mercedes car to do it. Okay.

I paid for the package. So I go like this. Hey, Mercedes, how can I help you? It says, I say, take me home. Boom, boom on the car. Mercedes. Okay. Now I get pissed off that now i gotta go back to the

two place to get my chains okay i type it in my phone and i'm like you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna leave the directions home on my car map and i'm gonna use the apple shit for to get back to the tattoo place i'll close out the apple thing when I get to the tattoo place. And then I'll just drive all the way home using the car maps. Yeah, dude. He's so smart, dude. He figured out how to do it without typing in too many things and having to retype things in and whatever, bro.

But I'm like, I got this shit. Dude, how smart am I? I'm driving. I'm like, how smart am I? I'm thinking about this shit. How fucking smart am I? That's what I'm thinking about. And I'm not, I'm serious. There's no music playing. I don't drive to music. I drive to thinking about, damn, I'm smart. I get back. Now, as I'm going to the tattoo place, what happens? The car, for some reason,

flips to Apple play. Yes, dude. So now I'm almost at the tattoo place and I realize I'm driving away from the tattoo place. You know why? Because I'm driving home. You know why? Because the car switched to the app play shit. So now I'm like, wait a second. Way too late. I get pissed off.

And I say, well, why can't I fucking switch back and forth? Why does it switch back and forth for me? So now I'm 10 minutes more out of the way than I go to the tattoo place. And I'm like, fucking thank God, dude, great, get in the car, I already said I was going to be home a half an hour ago, and I'm like, holy shit, my wife's going to think I'm cheating or whatever, but I'm not, I'm just going back to get my chain, right, something needs to hit her in the face when we're making love, I'm just going back to get my chain, right?

Something needs to hit her in the face when we're making love. Sweetie, dude, it has to do with lovemaking. It's not going to hit you in the face. Logistically, it's not going to make any sense if we're making love and nothing's hitting you in the face. So logistically, I have to go back. So I get the chains, right? Start driving back home. What happens, dude?

I'm in the car map. Hell yeah, dude. I'm in the car map Hell yeah, dude I'm in the car map Going home All of a sudden The car switches back to Apple Play And I start driving back to the fucking tattoo place, dude Now You know me

You've been listening to the podcast for years How mad am I? Doot Doot Boop Beep Boop Beep

Boop Beep Not that mad Ang, ang Sorry Ooh, you lose Now How mad am I? Boop Beep Boop Beep Boop, beep, boop, beep. Not that mad. Ang, ang. Sorry. Ooh, you lose. Now, how mad am I?

Boop, beep, boop, beep, boop, beep. The most mad you can be. Your top's broiling. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Yes. Blood red mad. You're right. You win.

Dude, so I get home at 10. But before that, I start driving home and I start getting upset I start getting upset because I'm like holy shit dude I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm I William's already in bed didn't get to see him today basically because I had to shoot Lifeline and then go work out or no sorry I had to shoot Lifeline and then go get the tattoo and I barely saw william and if calvin goes to bed i'm gonna be so upset i didn't get to see either kid and i'm leaving tomorrow so i'm not gonna see them for fucking three days so now oh dude oh oh dude yo you think i'm regular and can deal with stuff can't started crying yep dude i started getting i started raining dude started crying called kristin said please can you

please leave him up and don't let him go to bed because i need to see him because i'm really spinning out of control oh fuck yeah dude oh yeah dude then i started getting really sad then i started thinking how many times am i going to do the road and be away from my family then i started thinking dude did i even make a mistake getting this tattoo in the first place? It probably doesn't look good. Then I started thinking about how I hope it doesn't look bad. And then I started thinking about maybe I'm ugly. And then I'm starting to think about I'm ugly. And then I start thinking about I only get uglier as I get older. And then I start thinking, oh, dude, life's not worth living. Yes. I swear to God, and I'm flipping out, dude.

I had to pull over. Yes! Dude, guess what I did then? I logged into a fucking Zoom meeting on addiction, and a guy started talking about how he was molested by his family when he was younger, and I stopped crying for me and started crying for him. Perspective, my baby. Dude. I'm upset because I can't see my kid for a half an hour, dude.

And this guy got frigging straight up lested. I logged in. I was like, what can save me now? A meeting? Got into a meeting? Did it? I felt a little better, dude.

Nah, you know, it's all about perspective. People say a lot about things about perspective. You know, they're like, oh, come on, dude. I don't like that. They're starving people in Africa, and it's like, yeah, alright, that's okay, but everybody's problem isn't that bad if you look at somebody else

who has a worse problem. What about my problems? What about how they're frustrating? What about how my mom told me I need to walk differently when I was 10? Yeah, that's not starving, but I still think of it all the time, like five times a year. What? I got shaped.

What? I got shaped. I got shaped. It's all good. You can be a victim or you can get shaped. Your boy got shaped. So now what? So I cope with things badly and I I get tattoos, and whatever, dude. I hide in working out, but it's fine, man. Running, dude.

Running, running, run, running, running, run, running, running, run, running, running, run, running, running, running, running. That song sucks, you know? Bro, I did this bit on stage, and I think I'm going to do it on stage still, but I'll still tell it on my podcast because it actually kills on stage. But, bro, this is fucking hilarious. The most Charlotte thing happened in the world. Charlotte. I went to Charlotte, North Carolina.

This bit, maybe I shouldn't do this on my podcast. I'll do it on my podcast. Fuck it. Who cares? I did my whole Australian thing on a podcast. And then I did it on Netflix. This is just literally on. I already did it on my podcast. But so I'm bored.

I'm in Charlotte. It's too hot. It's 100 degrees and also humid. It's too hot, dude. Hey, where are the bowel constrictors? Because it's too hot. There better be bowel constrictors. Hey, where are lions, dude?

It's too hot because it's the Sahara Desert. Why is it so hot in north carolina in charlotte and then uh make it make it cooler right so i'm like i'm like i'm gonna get waters i'm gonna get some things i need to get lotion for my tattoos uh because they were itchy i'll pick up some mints and some water whatever the fuck right go to Walgreens and get some stuff. The lady's like, you need a bag? No, I don't need a bag. But I say, yeah, for some reason. She puts all the stuff in the bag. I take the bag. I'm going to use the lotion. So I go to the trash can and I go to put the lotion on and I take the lotion out of the package

and then throw the lotion in the thing in the trash can and the bags on the trash can. And I see a dude walking up to me like this, dude, he's walking up to me like this. Now, for those of you just listening to the podcast and not watching it, he's rubbing his tummy while he's walking, which means one thing. He's a black guy. No other race rubs their tummy and walks with their chin back except for black guys. And that's fine. You might think it's racist. I don't care. That's how it is. And you know it racist or not. Okay. No Asians do like this unless they see rice. Right. And no white dudes do like this unless they see barbecue. Okay. But black dudes will just straight up rub their tummies for no reason. It's like, they're just

like, maybe I'm hungry. I haven't checked yet, but in case I'm rubbing my tummy, in case it happens and I realize it. All right? That's actually funny. So I'm like, oh, he's approaching me. So how's this going to go? And then I hear out of the man's mouth,

I know you got something in that bag for me. And I go, oh, this is a robbery. In my head, I think, oh, guard your grill. In my head, I think, oh, my last couple of breaths. Here we go. Last couple of breaths in my head. I go, nice to meet you. Last couple of breaths. How many can I get? Can I get in before I expire? Just ripping them out. Hey, what you doing, bro? Just trying to breathe the most last breaths I possibly can before I expire and you, and you rob me and kill me. So he says, I know you got something in that bag for me. And I'm like, God damn it.

I ignore. I do my best. The best thing I do is ignore people. If you say something once to me, guess what I do? I ignore it. I never listen to somebody unless they say it twice. That's my wife. Clean up the dishes.

Okay, clean up the dishes. And then I do it. Actually, sometimes it takes five, six times. But whatever, dude. I ignore. I'm good at ignoring. Plus, I don't want to talk to people. Then the guy says, I know you got something in that bag. I know you got something

nice in that bag for me. So now I'm like, oh, dude, he's using adjectives now. I'm fucked. I know you got something nice in that bag for me, getting closer to me. And I'm like, oh, fuck. He's going to rob me and he's going to be super disappointed. The only thing that's in there is mints, water, and some lotion. That's good for black guys, but mints and water, who gives a fuck? So I'm like, my heart starts, like it was 65 beats per minute. Now it's probably 89, 90, 91. You know, I'm not too scared because I can hold my own. I just hope he doesn't have a gun, but it would kind of already, he wasn't, you know, his hand wasn't tucked into his Eddie Bowers or anything like that. So he's, as he says

this, a woman walks from around the corner, out of my view, into my view, from out of my view to into my view with a, she's a big fat lady who happens to be black, has a big bag of Subway sandwiches, and says, fuck y'all, this is my lunch and dinner. And I realize, oh, he's talking to her, and I'm just racist. Crazy, bro. Ah, I'm racist.

Then I put the lotion on my tattoo, packed it up, and walked away. I know you got something in that bag for me, dog. I never thought I was getting robbed so badly. Middle of the day outside of Walgreens. They've got a fucking bag with a W on it. I never thought I was getting robbed so badly. Middle of the day outside of Walgreens. They've got a fucking bag with a W on it. It's not like Gucci or Prada. I'm like, this guy's a really, really small-time crook.

Sometimes I write something in my notes. I have no idea what it is. Oh, I remember what this is. Oh, dude, the plane ride. First of all, American Airlines, dude, what are you doing? United I don't use anymore because of how cats run it. But American Airlines, dude, what's going on? Dude, your planes suck. Unless maybe you're going to Europe or across the whole country.

But my God, I flew to Charlotte. Then I flew American Airlines from LAX to Charlotte, then Charlotte to Knoxville, and then Knoxville to Dallas, and then Dallas to LA. All the same plane. Dude, here's the deal. American Airlines, they don't have TVs in the airplane. Now, first of all, I'm just going to throw out a blanket statement on that. No. Have TVs on your fucking airplanes, on your airplanes,

in every seat, dude, in every seat. I don't care. We all have phones and iPads and shit have you need to do that or else i'm gonna dude i'll fly spirit dude i'll be spirit so we're uh i get on the plane and i'm like where's's the fucking TV? And then I see a little holder for my phone. And it's like, it's, it's like, Hey, the guy comes on. First of all, way too loud.

A wifi is available for free for you to stream movies on our website. If you use your, your tablet or your smartphone, you could use your tablet or your smartphone and watch movies. And I'm like, dude, they want me to use my shit for watching movies. What about texting? What about having fun? What about looking up apps? If I want to watch a movie with Liam Neeson, I got to watch it on my phone. What else do I do? How am I supposed to watch a movie without being on my phone? Right? What is this? 1999. So I go, all right, well, this sucks. So then I'm like, I'm going to get Wi-Fi.

I'm not going to get, even though it's a five-hour flight, I'm not going to get, I'm not going to get, what do you call it? I'm not going to watch movies. So I get the fucking Wi-Fi. $20 for an hour. $20 for an hour. Now, I know pockets stay deep. You can get the merch at crystalia.com, and that's cool. But principal, dude, $20 for an hour. Now, I know pockets stay deep. You can get the merch at crystalia.com, and that's cool.

But principal, dude, $20 for an hour? That's $1 every three minutes, right? Bro, that's crazy. I'm so good at math. That's insane, $1 every three minutes. Change it, American Airlines. Change it, dude. insane one dollar every every three minutes change it american airlines change it dude i go to sit down in the thing and i'm sitting next to this nice lady looks like a really nice lady and she says um oh and i sit down i know all i fly so much i know what i know what to do on

planes you know i sit down in the window aisle and I always get the window. Not because I like the window. I'd actually might prefer the seat, the aisle seat, except for one reason. I want to be able to control the window shades. If I sit next to somebody who want, who doesn't want to fucking close the window shades and as bright as all fucking get out. And I'm trying to like, look at my phone and I can't see it because of the glare. I'm, I'm, I want to start punching. Okay. Just around. And hopefully I hit the guy.

And, um, so I get to the window seat, the, the, the shades are open and I, I close them. I close them. I close one. I, there's two shades for me. Okay. There's the one that's definitely mine. And the one that's a little bit in front of me that is mine. But if the lady reclines your seat in front of me, it's hers.

So I'm like, fuck okay so i put that i put mine down all the way i put that one down half the way all right out of respect i don't do it all the way yet the lady next to me who's 55 says can i ask you a silly question and i go here we here we go in my head. Here we go. I got a talker, right? And this is a five hour flight and I'm going to sit next to a talker. If I just parked my asshole on the seat and this lady, can I ask you a silly question? Oh dude, for five hours, she's going to just be running her mouth, right? So I'm like, sure, hoping for the best. And she says, so I noticed you shut the blinds. And I go, oh, no, dude. Oh, no. This is going to be an argument. She says, I noticed you shut the blinds. And I say,

She says, I noticed you shut the blinds. And I say, yeah. And she says, how come you do that? And I wait for her to say more because no, no, no. You know what I'm saying? No, no, no, no, no. Because you know how, you know why I do it, right? Want right wanted to there are some things that you don't have to ask because you already know the answer yes it could be anything like the answer could be

well because it gets hot or it's too bright right so i said well what do you mean and she says well like i know we get on planes everyone seems to put the shades down immediately why why do you why do why do you think that everyone does that and i said well i don't know why everyone does it but um i do it because i guess it's i don't know i guess it's too bright and she says huh so it's, I don't know, I guess it's too bright. And she says, huh, so it's like a sensitivity thing? And I'm like, oh, we're already done with the, you know what I mean? Like, I mean, she's super sweet about it, by the way. She says, so you mean like it's a sensitivity thing with your eyes? And I said, uh, I don't know, I guess so, yeah.

And she says, like it hurts? And I'm like, dude, how many levels does this conversation with no levels have? You know, she says, so it hurts your eyes. And I said, I mean, it doesn't really hurt my eyes, I guess, but I just did it because it's too bright and I want it to be darker, I think. And she says, yeah. So people do it just because of that. And I want it to be darker I think and she says yeah so people do it just because of that and I said yeah and I so badly wanted to ask her do you do it when you sit down or do you not do it but then I was like I can't be asking her questions because then this is a conversation right now it's just a Q&A and it ends after I A.

But if I ask her cues after her cues, then we've got a combo going and I can't have that, especially minute one of a five hour flight. All right. The fuck is this Larry King? So. So I say one last thing, I said, I think, you know what what there's an extra reason why I closed the windows this window I closed because it was too bright but the one in front of me I closed to establish that it's mine because it could be the person in front of me it could be the person in front of me and she said oh so you did it to mark your territory and I said yeah and she said, oh, so you did it to mark your territory. And I said, yeah. And she said, brilliant. Word for word, that was what happens.

That's what happened. And then she didn't utter one other word for five hours. I couldn't freaking believe it, dude. God bless. Thought about the whole flight. Thought about it after we landed. Then still thought about it on the way home because I took another flight

and I was like, remember that chick? Hey, people wear bad clothes in the airport, huh? Like just straight up. Bad, bad, bad, bad clothes. I saw an Asian guy with dreadlocks at the airport and I'm like, dude, did he get those here? Cause that's the worst outfit for an Asian guy. How could an Asian guy have dreadlocks? Hey guy, undread it and put gel in it like every other Asian hey guy, undread it

and just put too much dippity-doo in it like every Asian the only people who use hair gel are Asians and people in 1998 you know like you can't you can't bro, gel, oh my god, who are you, Richard fucking Grieco, gel, people use gel, you're Asian, people use gel, also have a time machine, gel, come on, um, so, um so I saw somebody with it in the airport I mean people just wear shirts in the airport that

say like who cares or something you know like just what saw somebody in it I'm over you know what I'm over supporting anything I'm done and it happened the other day I don't want to I'm over? Supporting anything. I'm done. And it happened the other day. I don't want to, I'm not into it. No. The whole, you know, people support local anything. No, I'll get it wherever. How about that?

Support small business. Like, yeah, if they're there, you know, but also I but also ikea right man they make horse shit but still um so i uh i saw a shirt that said this was the one i couldn't this one just sent me support live music. That's all the shirt said. What a fucking, imagine buying that shirt, seeing that and buying it. Like, dude,

there's no other way to say I have terrible taste in music than to just buy a shirt and say support live music because I will tell you why. just buy a shirt and say, support live music, because I will tell you why. You don't need to support live music because it's just, there's always going to be live music. You know, keep that on the screen. Dude, you don't need to, you need to, yo music it's music everyone listens to music everyone goes to concerts dude when you have a concert to go to people jizz their pants people shit on the way to the concert because they're like i can't

believe i'm finally going to get to see these guys and you that's like saying support sex support breathing in and out support jizzing dude support live music drove me nuts. People just want to say they support shit. That's what it is. I'm a good person. I'm going to get a shirt that says support, support. Dude, people want to get, people so badly want to be a part of a cause, dude,

that they don't even know what the cause is. They're making up causes. Support live music my ass, dude. Don't. I'm going to get a shirt that says don't and know what the cause is. They're making up causes. Support live music my ass, dude. Don't. I'm going to get a shirt that says don't and follow that lady around. That's so whack. Support live music. That kind of person is so boring, you know?

I don't support live music, dude. I straight up don't. I support getting your Spotify going and getting your Apple Music going. I support, if you want to listen to music, go in your car and listen to music. Best place to listen to music? In your car.

Not at a live event, dude. Whenever my friends text me they're going to concerts, I always text back, dude, sit tight. Don't worry. I'm Googling where the exits are right now. Dude, I've seen some bad shirts. Have you? What are some bad shirts you've seen? Drop a comment.

But let me tell you one of the worst shirts I've ever seen. I saw a shirt on a woman that said, give women money. said, give women money. Hooker. Hooker. Give women money. Hey, on the back, it should say, cause I'm hooking. Give women money. What's that, like the equal pay thing? Worst way of saying it, you know? The fucking equal pay thing is so stupid for fuck's sake, dude. When it comes to sports, at least. The ladies in soccer want to get paid equally as like the World Cup. World Cup men, biggest sport in the world.

World Cup women, it's like it might as well be badminton. Nobody gives a fuck, you know? It makes $130 million a year globally. And men, soccer makes like $19 trillion globally. That makes like $6 billion or something. And then there are women that are like, we need to get paid just as much as men. And it's like, okay, where's the money though, dum-dum? Where's the money?

You actually make more of a percentage. Women make more of a percentage in soccer than men do. So actually, you're right. Now you should get paid less kicking a ball around, Sally. I'll tell you what, dude. You're kicking a ball around, you know? I don't know, man. I just think if you're a doctor, you get paid the same amount.

I don't care if you're a guy or a girl. Great. You get paid the same amount. You're a lawyer. You get paid the same amount. You get, you know, you're a, you're a, you're a lawyer, you get paid the same amount, you know, if you're good. Right. But like sports, it's, it, there's, there's facts that back it up. Just there's either money there or there's not. Give women money. give women money.

If I walked up and just gave that woman $100, she'd be like, well, that's disrespectful, you know? One time I was at a diner, and this woman was looking at me. This was so long ago, but she was looking at me. She kept looking, and I waved at her because she kept looking, and I was holding in my hand what I was going to pay for. I had the money in my hand, i was going to pay for i had like

dollar the money in my hand and i was waving it and then she had the nerve to say did you just wave it wave money at me and i was like no i just happened to be in my hand fuck oh dude i i didn't see this but i i I saw this and then didn't click on it. A whip meetup at a park, dude. So dangerous at Crystal Lake, Illinois. So bitch, these people. Oh, that's the dorkiest thing I've ever seen in my life. Dude, just...

You know, under their breath, they're going like this a lot, too. But they're not... Dude, so the one lady with the hand on her hip. Oh, the guys with two whips are the best, dude. Unbelievable. This video, dude. the hand on her hip oh the guys with two whips are the best dude unbelievable this video dude this a whip meetup dude how do you start a whip meetup a forum hey guys bring your whips we're gonna go to chris also cops get them you can't have fucking whips around, you know? Whip meetup. This is unbelievable. Imagine being a guy with a whip, okay? And it's not for sex, not kinky,

you know what I mean? Like a cat of nine tails. It's an Indiana Jones type whip. And then imagine she's a woman, a woman with a whip, a man with a whip, bad, a woman with a whip, abhorrent. It'd be great if you were, they were panning, you know, cause the video, they were like, all right, so here we go. I'm gonna take a video, put it on TikTok. I'm just gonna pan back and forth. So everybody wants you to do your best whip moves. So here we go. And then as it was filming, you heard somebody in the background, my eye.

And they're like, all right, we're gonna have to redo it. Frank lost his eye a little bit. We really got to show Crystal Lake, Illinois as the top whip area. Just listen to it. Just listen to the sounds. It's a bitch. The guy in the gray shirt with the black shorts. Wow. Oh, the guy in the back. Oh my, dude, the guy, the last guy that they pan across has an Indiana Jones hat. Like, dude, how could you get a whip, period? But then how could you after that think, yo, it's probably okay if I also get an Indiana Jones hat.

Guy, you're sad. Guy, I'm crying for you. Dude, like, you know people are going to be like, oh, that guy wishes he was Indiana Jones. And I guess hopefully you don't care about that, but also pick up checkers. Dude, whip meetup is great. Whip meetup. Eminem warns Vivek Ramaswamy not to perform or use his music anymore.

It's great. This is the politician who rapped Lose Yourself so badly, you know? M&M's letter. Who cares? I think M&M's pretty liberal, though. This letter serves as notice for you, pursuant to the BMI music. All right, it's boring, but that's what,

it's also not Eminem's letter. Pamela, somebody wrote it. But it was sent to him not to do it. And I have the rap right here in my, because people sent it to me

because I did the Eminem impression and they're like, uh-oh, this guy's coming. This guy's coming for you. him impression. They're like, uh-oh, this guy's coming. This guy's coming for you. Running out of breath so bad. Everyone's looking down.

Wow, dude. So sad. But it is what it is, and that's all we can... Mel Gibson, come here. Killed a fly. Mel Gibson, come here. Killed a fly. Mel Gibson, dude. Mel Gibson, come here. Mel Gibson interview, 1983.

Just getting a BJ. Starting off by getting a BJ, by the way, with his hands up like that. Smoking, dude. Who smokes? Killed a fly. Dick. For millions of fans, Mad Max is a hero. Which are yours? Dick. I mean, get a different interviewer, you know. For millions of fans, Mad Max is a hero.

Acting. Jeez, everyone's got a hero. Acting. My father. Oh, cute. Mel Gibson's awesome. An artist? Is he an artist? In a way, yes. He writes.

So high. You write? Flirting. Do you think that actors have some responsibility, I mean, by the image they give of humanity? You understand what I mean? Yes. Responsibility to portray humanity in a certain way. In what way? I don't know. Put it to him.

If we see a Ben Max, for instance, as, this is an image of the 20th century. Oh, dude. I'm sort of running out of dialogue here. Oh, boy. What a funny question. Oh, so mad, dude. Oh, dude. Oh.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, dude. I don't know how to answer that. Oh, dude. Sneakily giving him the finger. Did this. I don't know how to answer that. He did that, dude. That's where that started.

I don't think I can. I think it's a silly question. Oh, dick. Smiling the whole time. Loving it, dude. Gave him the finger. I think that's a silly question. Oh, dick! Smiling the whole time. Loving it, dude. Gave him the finger. I think that's a silly question. I'm sorry.

No, no. Did you find some cynicism by them? Opportunity or impulse to become themselves? You know what, dude? If I'm having that interview, hey, man, this guy's too French. He's just too French, right? But of course he's too French. We aren't all French. Yeah, I just get a guy who's a little less French. No offense.

We're in France. I get it. I'm not French. I need someone who's just a little bit French. And by a little bit, I mean a lot. Famous to put themselves on the first stage of the first place. Oh my god. Ha ha ha!

Among the reporters. No? I'm sorry. I can't understand it. I find an impulse. Uh-uh. I'm sorry. Mel Gibson, oh. I'm sorry. Oui. Mel Gibson, deuxième.

And you, you know already what will be, you will be acting in the first, soon, you have some projects. Oh,

God, wait, hold on a second. This interviewer just isn't too French. He's terrible, you know? He's just so bad.

Do you have other projects? What is going on? Do you like water? And you know already what will be you will be acting in the first time soon. Do you have some projects? This guy's having a stroke. I'm working on a

film now. In fact, I've had a few days break. I just came over from London. And it's the story of the bounty and the mutiny. It's not a remake. It's a fresh look at it.

Thank you very much. Worst interview. Oh, wow, dude. He was uh, uh. Wow, dude. He was actually being kind of nice, you know? I know it's killing me. Because it's so... It's the reflex. All right, stop with this.

I can't do any... Okay. Oh, my. God, he was fucking good looking, huh? Mel Gibson's the shit. How? How... I wonder if he actually meant to give the guy the finger. No, probably not.

Subconscious. Wow. He's just so good that he had no idea. He's so good he acts even when he doesn't mean to. Bro, check this out. Alligator, 1980, official trailer. I actually almost watched this on Prime or Hulu or Shudder. I can't remember where I almost watched this, but I almost watched this.

Alligator, 1980, official trailer. It's like, you know, they made Jaws, and they're like we gotta make this it's the 80s already wow they'd never make it like this it lives 50 feet beneath the streets bro always in always in the 80s, they would do that. The guy would come in. Like, it was like fucking, that's the version of like in R&B when boys would be like, girl. The song would sound like, girl, we've been knowing each other for a long time. We'd just be friends. But right now, I want to get horizontal with you.

It's 36 feet long. Dude, is this movie about my cock? Dude, I'm sorry. It lives 50 feet beneath the streets. Yeah. Movie can't be about my cock. It's 36 feet long. Oh, it is, dude.

It weighs over 2,000 dude. Oh, fuck. They know? Oh, shit, dude. This movie's about my penis. Yep. That's how I scared dudes with it. Yep. That's it, scared dudes with it. You're looking at the one who saw it. And it was big. Yep. You said it was dark.

Now, perhaps you're mistaken. That's it, dude. My penis. Everything about this movie could be my penis. An alligator half that size would starve in a week. There we go. That's about my dick, dude. No.

No. That's about my dick, dude. He kept coming up with some garbage about alligators in the sewer. Alligators in the sewer? Oh, shit, that's awesome. Once it escaped, there was no way to stop it. I mean, you know oh so get up dude oh dude went to Juilliard 100% went to Juilliard

the safety of the public is my job dude went to Juilliard. The safety of the public is my job. Dude, went to Juilliard, graduated top of his class. Wow. Also, tap dance is like crazy. It could be anywhere. There he is. So basic, dude.

It could be anywhere. At any moment. Could attack. Oh, wow. I've seen what this animal can do. You better take all the help you can get. Good attack. Oh, wow. Oh, the shadow. Don't approach it, dum-dum. Dude, it hides in the trash.

Wow. The worst outfit of all time. Trying to warm my dick. Dude, honestly, this is really good special effects for 1980. What the fuck? Dude, it's huge. Oh, eating her puss. Alligator. Because Jaws was good.

Robert Forster's in it. That's amazing. I'm going to watch that. Dude, I got to put together some live watches, like TV stuff, you know? Reptile is a movie coming out with Benicio... How have you been feeling? Benicio Del Toro and... There's a case going on. Justin...

Van Der Beek? What's his name? Justin... Timberlake. Dude, every... Every trailer. Dude, how fucking dope is Benicio Del Toro? He can make a woman cum by sincerely,

by being in front of the woman, showing her his back, and having her lay down, and he's just talking to her, and then makes her fucking blast like this. He just goes like this. And she goes, oh, and busts, dude. I swear to God, he's just talking like this about something.

The sky, you know, the sky is absolutely beautiful today. I love how the sky looks from 5 p.m. to 8 p.m., depending on what time of year it is. And she's just like, oh my God. He's not even smoking. He's just holding his fingers like this and exhaling like he is. Depending on what you eat, you can have a beautiful meal too.

He's sitting out on a veranda somewhere. And she's like, oh my God. And he's not even looking at her. And then he just goes like somewhere. And she's like, oh my God. And he's not even looking at her and then he just goes like this. And she goes, oh yeah. Dude. And he's only wearing a blazer.

So what happened? I walked out the front door. Such a hard music change. I called out for her. Hello? Fuck, I'm going to watch this so much. And then what? Okay, done.

I'm going to watch it. Dude, movie trailers are so... That one's good so far i can't watch it here i don't want to get all fucking demonetized but um movie trailers are so bad dude wait breaking bad 2 no this can't be right they're making a breaking bad 2 did you know this hi this is brian cranston the official trailer for breaking bad 2 starts in three Breaking Bad 2? Did you know this? Can't be real. But it's on this...

No. This is fake. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. I don't get it. What? Is this a joke? What is this? Oh, it's just... This is a joke, but I don't understand the joke.

I wish this was real, people are saying. Who made this, though? And why is it on... Ah, whatever, dude. I wish it was real. Only make prequels like i said um bro remember fucking liver king it's just sad at this point in the modern world we like to have our bowl of cereal don't we this is a primal version of your bowl of cereal i got my testicles and far dude why is that guy always eating testicles

from fresh milk from liver king ranch the most feared warriors the messiah what they get down on is milk, meat, and blood And they're expressing a higher, more dominant form If you still want Your primal cereal to taste like Cocoa pebbles at the end Pull a little bit of whole yeast in With your testicles

Make sure you peel back the membrane On the testicle You can use a spoon if you want But God gave you the hands for a reason this guy's so gross dude and go to town oh my god dude oh my god bro oh my god dude like so gross why does he just keep cutting off testicles? And eating them? Bro, he's got to be fucking four foot one.

I mean, man. People are like, he's aged so much. That's because all he's doing is eating testicles. Bro, this is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life. Oh my... Quite a few times. 50 times? More. 100 times? More. 200 times? More.

500 times? Probably. You know? That fucking thing was the greatest meme when it was popping around, dude. You know? That fucking thing was the greatest meme when it was popping around, dude. You know? Fuck, man. How many boners I used to get on the road? More.

500 times? Probably. All right. That's good for now. You guys are great. I really appreciate you guys. I'll be in Little Rock in Nashville. So leave a comment. Drop a comment for the algorithm. I'll be in Little Rock in Nashville. So leave a comment.

Drop a comment for the algorithm. Check out that alligator movie. You guys are great. If you're done, if you want to watch the rest of the episode, this is the YouTube version, but if you want to watch the rest, it's patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. But like and subscribe too, my babies. We love it. Thank you

very much and have a great day.