Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 338. Mexican Aliens

Episode Date: September 21, 2023

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Canada you don't want to miss out I'm in Ottawa tonight Ottawa the capital of Canada at the arena at TD place don't know what TD stands for but that's what it is then I'm sold out in Montreal and sold out in Hamilton but I will be in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania October 19th Cleveland Ohio October 20th. October 21st, Detroit at the Jack White Theater where they're so mad at me for they used to do a festival there and they're not doing it for the first year. And instead on the date, it's me and everyone thinks it's my fault even though it's not my fault. I had no idea about that thing. Great.

Also, that festival would still be going if people bought tickets to it, and they obviously don't. So anyway, Orlando, Florida, November 10th, at the Walt Disney Theater, November 12th, Fort Myers, November 17th, Richmond, Virginia, November 18th, Baltimore, Maryland, and then Philadelphia, and then Reading for some reason. So I'll be there, go to the Don't Push Me Tour. We got dates coming up. I'm also going to be in Trenton, New Jersey at some point soon in December. I haven't announced it yet. So be ready. And then a whole slew of dates for next year coming up soon before you know it. We've got the beautiful merch here. The absolutely gorgeous merch here. The pockets stay deep, which is the ones that I'm actually wearing them right now. I got the Pockets Stay Deep with the diving board

on the side of the pocket there with the sweats just kicking it for the winter. And the beautiful, beautiful other ones that we got here. Slips my mind for a second. What do we got here? What is it? Grow or Die.

The absolutely beautiful grow or die across the back of the shoulders let them know when you're walking away it's all about the grow or die movement and the uh love life rips so chrisley.com for all that stuff tickets and merch i see you at the shows with the merch uh and come to the show for exclusive merch. Okay, let's get into it. Welcome to the new hot episode of Congratulations. Dude, that makes me think of once I was in Houston, and I can't remember. I was on the road opening for somebody. I can't remember. I might have been with Tom Arnold.

And the host was like, what do you want me to say about you? And I was an up-and-coming comedian. So I was like, just say I'm an up-and-coming comedian. I'm like a hot rising upcoming comedian or whatever you want to say. I don't care. And the guy was like, okay. And he kept saying, you know, this next comedian, he's hot. And I'm like, dude, does he think that I say that I'm like sexy?

So I didn't correct him because I didn't know that's what he was doing until it was like the last show. So I was like, oh, that's what he's thinking? Because I would go on stage. I would do my act. I would do like 20-something minutes. And I'd come back. I'd forget about it by then. But anyway, that's what happened. Where is it? Oh, here it is.

My magic mind. Shake it up nice to stay on the level, my babies. Magic mind drinking it. Down it. We love it. Keeps me leveled. Keeps me nice. I'm able to go to weddings and not want to blow my brains out but anyway um i was in uh edmonton and also uh calgary dude it was nice man i mean edmonton and i i'll probably post the video of the stand up oh by the way i have new stand up out there on my other YouTube channel where I'm kind of making fun of this dude in Arkansas when I was in Little Rock.

Go check that out. But, by the way, I got – Edmonton is a crazy place. I don't know what's up with – Calgary, I get. I don't really get it, Edmonton. I don't get it. It's beautiful, but also there's many, many, many – like it's kind of meth-y in a way. Does Canada have meth? I always think of South for meth.

Canada has meth. Canada has big meth, actually. Canada has crazy heroin, too, in Vancouver. I know that because I was in Vancouver and I took a left and then I saw a bunch of heroin and meth addicts. So anyway, so I was there. We had great shows, Denny and Lulu, and we had fun. It was so fun.

You can check the tour report on there on the Crystal League YouTube channel. But we had so much fun, and we loved it, dude. I love Canada, man. I know there's a lot of stuff in the news about how it's being really woke, but, man, they don't give a fuck. They really don't. I went up there. I did all my shit. I did the Don't Push Me Tour, which is, hey, don't push me, and they fucking ate it up, dude. I love Canada. I really do. I really do. And when I go there,

I think, man, I've been to these places already. And some of the places, like last time I was in Edmonton, I played a smaller venue. I played a bigger venue now. Hey, look at that. 2019, I played a smaller venue. And then 2023, I played a bigger venue. You know what I mean? So look at that, man. We sold more tickets. But it's so good it's okay it's okay dude mr fell off all the way up that's how we that's how we do it now um so so yeah so we did that and it's really cool and it's fun and dude just the canadians are so so nice god dude canadian dudes oh they all think they're drake hey dude drake really fucked canadian dudes up you know what i mean he they just became different once he got bigger once drake started coming out and being like, I only cry in front of my mama, fuck it, you know, or whatever the fuck, those songs, you know, only person in my bed is my dog, fuck these hoes, like, dude, men, men from Canada just went like, oh, dude, oh, I'm not cool, huh?

and then grew a beard, cut the top of their head a little bit more, so the beard was a little bit longer, and just got those fucking slopey shoes, you know, that you slide in the boots, the slopey slide-in boot fucking shoes that guys wear that think that they're so good, and tighter black pants, like jeans, and then like a shirt and a flanner over it. I mean, even like pasty white dudes, they think they're Drake, but they're so clean and so nice looking. Everyone's so nice looking in Canada, except for the really ugly people, but everyone's just pretty much so

nice looking, but it's hilarious, dude. Who thinks they're Drake, dude? I mean, I go to cactus clubs all across the, all across the Canada. Whenever I'm in a city, I go and I find the cactus club, dude. The cactus club is a good restaurant. I go there, dude. I don't I'm in a city, I go and I find the Cactus Club, dude. The Cactus Club is a good restaurant. I go there, dude. I don't care. I eat there. I go there. I get the Cajun chicken sandwich. You think I won't? I will. I do. And I do that. And I eat the Cajun chicken sandwich. That's not enough. I also order something else, right? And that's me. That's Mr. Bottomless Pit, okay? And I'm doing that. And I eat that stuff. And everyone there thinks they're Drake. And the women are beautiful in Canada. It's absolutely crazy.

They'll be like a parking attendant. And you're like, what? Okay. Parking attendants in America? Trolls. Parking attendants in Canada? Turn around. Let me see what you're working with.

Okay? Turn around in that booth. You know what I'm talking about? They're 360 in that booth. Hey, sweetie, real quick. Sweetie doll, look the other way. Aw. Do you know what I'm saying?

In Canada, there'll be a fucking gate agent, not even the stewardess, the gate agent at the Air Canada. Oh, sweetie doll. Turn around and look at the screen for a sec. Let me see what you're working with. Oh! The gate agents in America? Trolls. Right?

It's crazy. But Drake fucked those dudes up because now they're all I don't know, man. Everyone, you know, it's like, but Canada's great. There's no Wi-Fi on the Canadian flights that I was on. And my motherfucking gosh, dude. My motherfucking gosh, dude. My motherfucking gosh.

That whole thing that Louis C.K. said was like, relax, we're 30,000 feet in the air. It's all great. Everything's great. You're in the air. You're in the chair in the sky. And everyone's like, yeah, dude, that's right. It's awesome. I don't agree with that.

I love Louis C.K. I don't agree with that. Hey, dude, have Wi-Fi on the planes. Dude, they didn't have Wi-Fi on the – it's a three-and-a-half-hour flight. Holy shit, dude. It's 2023. You're going to make me watch Transformers Rise of the Beast? Like, I want to text my friends.

I want to be on Instagram. Like, I want to text my friends. I want to be on Instagram. Instead, you're going to make me watch fucking, you know, Kramer versus Kramer on this big of a, like, for some reason, in airplanes, they'll have, like, all the new movies and then, like, Kramer versus Kramer and Thief with Gene Hackman. And you're like, what? Why are these stuck in there? Who the fuck wants to be watching Kramer versus Kramer on the plane just crying their eyes out on a six-inch by six-inch screen eating peanuts? Dude, flights, I understand it's a bus in the sky and it's public transportation and it's absolutely shitty. But get Wi-Fi, dude.

The French lady was just like the the fucking, dude, I was, because that's the thing, and I was talking about this on stage. I might turn into a bit, but I might not. I guess I'm doing bits on my podcast, but. The lady was just, you know, because at 10,000 feet, the Wi-Fi is supposed to turn on.

And the whole time, I'm like, oh, we must not be 10,000 feet yet. Because the Wi-Fi is not on yet. And they must have Wi-Fi because it's 2023, right? Last time I checked, it feet yet. Because the Wi-Fi is not on yet. And they must have Wi-Fi because it's 2023, right? Last time I checked, it's 2023. So where's the Wi-Fi? We must not be 2000.

But I already know we're 10,000 feet up because it's been too long. So I'm like, I can't wait till the stewardess gets here. I got to talk to her, man. And I can't wait to ask her because I think that there's not Wi-Fi. And when she says it, one of two things. Either she says there is Wi-Fi. We when she says it, one of two things. Either she says, there is Wi-Fi, we'll just, we'll get it figured out. Or, and then I get to have Wi-Fi. Or she says, no, there's no Wi-Fi on this flight and I get to be mad. And that's where I live at home, baby. Why do I feel so comfortable when I'm on a set? Because I don't want to feel my feelings. I don't want to feel the

uncomfortability of not being able to have Wi-Fi for three and a half hours. Instead, I'd rather be angry. Yes, dude. I'd rather be sitting here. Yes, dude. So I say, hey, ma'am. Because she's like, would you like to have, what's the French accent? Ah, but of course. Would you like to have nuts and tomato juice or some shit, you know? And you're like, no, let me just get a club soda. Ah, but of course, would you like to have nuts and tomato juice or some shit, you know?

And you're like, no, let me just get a club soda. But of course. OK, can I. What's the deal with the Wi-Fi? Dude, she hits me with this. You don't know. No, no, no, no, no. Because I was already prepared to say when she said.

When she said. When I said, where's the Wi-Fi? I was prepared to whatever she said, I was going to say, but it's 2023. I already had that on deck. But she goes, you don't know? And now I can't do the 2023 thing. So I'm like, where's the Wi-Fi? She says, you don't know?

And I said, oh, what? And she said, these type of aircrafts, they don't have Wi-Fi. And I say, oh, but, and then I'm in my head like, when am I going to say that fucking 2023 thing and really put it in her place? And she's like, I said, what do you mean? And she said, these aircrafts, it is for safety reasons. They don't have the Wi-Fi. And I say, oh, okay. Well, you know, it's 2023 and now I'm just like trailing off.

I didn't get to have fucking wi-fi for two and a three and a half i watched transformers rise of the beast rise of the beasts suck stonky balls dude they have transformers this is the shit i don't like dude they have transformers that are transformers that are cars and they transform into robots. Okay. And then they have, they made so many different transformers. What is this shit? This fucking sound plant, I need to buy a license or something.

It's not working. Is that right? Yeah. So anyway, they have... It doesn't give a fuck, dude. One fire's out. Really? All right, cool, man.

Well, you know, we'll figure it out, man. Just do this the whole time. So now they have the robots, the Transformers that turn into robots, which are okay. Which, by the way, you already know it's a Transformer because it's a huge fucking 18-wheeler in a jungle, you know? And it's not natural.

Also, it's so beautiful. It's red and blue and shit. You know it's a Transformer. So, now they go to the jungle and there are beasts. So, now they're a the jungle and there are beasts. So now they're robot. Now they're now they're robot beasts. I don't even understand. They're they're beast robots that don't that they transform.

Oh, they maximize. They get into to turn into bigger. So if it's a robot ape, it turns into a max. It transforms into a bigger robot ape. It's a different species, I guess, even though they're not species because they're robots so there's max maximus optimus prime and then maximus primal uh dork and so then they have the the mixed race guy who's the lead now and then then they have the black lady who's in it too. And then everyone else is robots and shit. And then the movie sucks donkey balls.

So it's all good. So the movie sucks donkey balls. So it's fine. You know, the only acceptable place it is to watch Transformers Rise of the Beast is on the plane. And that's okay, dude. And that's all good, dude. But I watched it. And I had to watch that because there was no Wi-Fi.

So that's fucking wonderful, man. God, it pissed me off. Yeah, dude. But I watched it. And I had to watch that because there was no Wi-Fi. So that's fucking wonderful, man. God, it pissed me off. Yeah, man. So good. Also, I was talking about Drake. What's up with the new Drake album where it has Halle Berry doused in slime? You can't do that. I'm going to get sued.

Okay. You can't do that. I'm going to get sued. Okay, so Halle Berry is still firing shots at Drake after using his picture. Folks have been chiming all weekend about that. Slime You Out, it's called. Featuring SZA. One fan asked Halle, why Halle is so impressed with photos that are owned by Getty Images. That owned by Getty Images. Oh, because he asked me and I said no. That's why she added.

Why ask if you tend to do what you want to do? That was the fuck you to me. Not cool. You get it? Nice. Damn, she really, really, really got. Why did he ask her if he was going to do it anyway? That's crazy. It's not a good cover?

I mean, I think it's kind of whatever. It's kind of a cool picture, no? Is it real? It looks like AI. That's a real picture. God, she's beautiful. Why wouldn't she want it? I wonder.

She did say no. Whatever. Oh, dude. I can't believe this. We got to talk about this. We have a complete, like this is absolutely crazy. This other podcast, which I've been hitting, people have been hitting me up about this for a while. I don't even look at it.

I haven't looked at it until recently. It's called Shits and Gigs podcast in the UK. They completely ripped off the log cabin idea and the cult idea and the white linen and they call their fans babies. It's so crazy. The hosts of Shits and Gigs, James and Fouhad, I mean, they completely ripped off the idea. And it's crazy because, like, I don't – if you want to do the idea, dude, I don't – like, people always think people, like, steal from comedians.

And I don't think that. Like, there's just – there's a lot of thoughts that are the same and, like, you know, something happens and then comedians make fun of it and shit. But, oh, my God, you got to go and look at this shit's a gig they have like a log cabin um retreat that they're trying to do like that's their that they're hosting and they're like come on babies get your white linen and in this log join us in the log cabin and be a cult member and and it's so it's such a ripoff and it's so crazy that it's so blatant. But go look at their stuff. I mean, look, dude, it's just odd. It's so odd. And I finally looked because people were constantly hitting me up about this.

I'm going to look. And I looked because I don't ever buy that shit, but this is like crazy, dude. And it's a podcast. And there's other shit that's similar too. You can go look it up. It's called Shits and Gigs. They say S-H-X's called Shits and Gigs. They say S-H-X-T-S and gigs.

But my God. Like just say, oh yeah, just like Chris D'Elia, we're doing this. Do that. I don't even care. But it's so crazy to pretend like it's your idea anyway. Dude, the thing, oh, it happened. The thing that made me the most mad. Yay!

The thing that made me the most mad. Yay, dude! The thing that made me the most mad in years. Yay! Oh my God. I am on a trip from Calgary to Edmonton or no, Edmonton to Seattle because I connect in Seattle to go to LA. Edmonton to Seattle because I connect in Seattle to go to LA Edmonton to Seattle I don't have wi-fi on the plane from Edmonton to Seattle we've already discussed this because Air Canada WestJet and Canada at least for me they didn't have it okay

Um, and so what happened is I'm now have to sleep because there's not even a TV. Yes, dude. I'm on a prop plane. All good. I'm going to sleep. I have the, the, the window side. So I'm going like this. I'm sleeping from Edmonton to Seattle, an hour 40 flight, all right? I never sleep on the plane. I'm able to sleep on this plane. I pass out. I'm leaning on the side of the plane, and I am

visibly passed out. My eyes are closed. My mouth is hung open, all right? And I keep, I know I'm asleep because I keep doing this. I'm sleeping, and now I'm in the window seat, which means there's somebody next to me. I do not know this person. All right. It's a woman. I do not know. Nice to sit next to sweet, sweet person. Didn't bother me. We didn't even talk. Right. I get this. I'm on the side. I'm going. What do you think about this? Okay. I'm at, leave it in the comments. I'm like this. okay i'm gonna leave it in the comments i'm like this i get this i look up there's a guy in the um aisle so now i know we're going down right because that's the only reason to wake me up if it's just some guy. Okay. It wasn't a stewardess. It was some guy and he's psychic and he has a premonition about we're going down and the premonitions have

worked out before this and he's got a good track record and he knows that I have to stay safe. So he wakes me up to get into the crash position. So I'm so happy he woke me up. So he wakes me up to get into the crash position. So I'm so happy he woke me up. So I say to him, yeah, I'm asleep. I'm like out too. I say, yeah. And he says, hey, are you the comedian?

Oh, we're not going down. So I say, yeah. And he says, Chris. And I say, yeah. And he says, Chris? And I say, yeah. And he says, can I get a picture? First of all how that's my first question hey guy how hey hey guy don't turn me into an indian chief How? Okay. Racist. So I, I say, I think about this. There's a woman next to me. What's the pic going to be?

Is she going to be in it? Is he going to do like this? She's going to be in it. Do I get out? If I'm awake, this is fucking bonkers. So I say, he says, can I get a, can I get out? If I'm awake, this is fucking bonkers. So I say, he says, can I get a picture? And I say, I'm sleeping, man. And then he says, okay, sorry.

Then travel. Now this was the worst part travels the rest of the way to the bathroom. Didn't get up to do it. Decided to bother me on the way to do something else. Yo, that is the most, and here's the thing about being, you know, in the know or whatever you want to call it, a celebrity. It sucks because he could easily be like, wow, Chris Lee is a dick. He wouldn't take a picture with me. Nobody would know the story.

He woke me the fuck up, dude. How crazy is that? Yo, oh, guess if I fell asleep after that because of how I, guess if I fell asleep again after that because of how mad I was. Guess if I was able to just kind of quell it and let it simmer.

Guess if I was able to do that or not. Oh, I wasn't, dude. I really want to have a conversation with that guy. That's nuts. Can you fucking believe that? I'm sleeping. It wasn't like I was hunched over a conversation with that guy. That's nuts. Can you fucking believe that? I'm sleeping. It wasn't like I was hunched over. I was like this.

There's some asshole in the comments that's going to be like, well, you could have got him. No. People are just, they don't know anything. They don't know. People don't understand stuff.

People are just, they don't know anything. They don't know. People don't understand stuff, you know? Like I was, I sat, I walked by a restaurant. It's a cafe. And my two friends were there. And I was like, oh, you guys know each other? And they're like, yeah. And I was like, I'm gonna go get some food.

I came back out and I sat next to them. Not at the same table. They're like, you can sit at the table. I was like, no, I'll just sit here. it's a bigger table whatever so i was like with them but not with them you know and then uh at my table which was empty but me um another guy says hey can i sit here and i know the guy from the gym so i said of, of course, buddy. He says, cool. So I'm talking with my other buddies, George Jenko and Keegan Allen. That's who they were. And so I'm talking to them and they're talking about Alex Jones. So hot topic, right? We're talking about conspiracies,

conspiracy theories, and how we think of them. I'm talking to Keegan. I'm talking to George. The guy sat down with us. The guy who sat down with us that I didn't vouch for, but I'm like, you know, yeah, of course, I know this guy from the gym, you know. He says, you know what I think?

And I say, I told this to my wife, and I say, yo, yo, yo, hold up. I say, before you say anything, and then I turn to Keegan and George, and I say, just so you guys know, I don't know this guy. He's a gym bud. I like his energy. Seems nice as shit, but I don't know him. Now, proceed, okay? but I don't know him. Now, proceed, okay? Because this is a topic.

I can't have this guy being like, well, the frogs are gay because of the water and Joe Biden's a lizard. And then these guys, I got to wait a whole conversation to be like, I don't really know that guy. I don't want to sit through that. I don't want to sit through that. So whoopsie daisy, I had to put a wall up.

And I told this to Kristen, and Kristenian because like you can't do that shit and i was like no dude absolutely not this is the rules if we you know we don't all know each other it's the same level i learned this when i was at the fucking when you're at comedy clubs and you're just hanging out with the friends and the fellas and then all of a sudden somebody walks up and they're like hey you know what happened to me and we're just hanging out with the friends and the fellas. And then all of a sudden somebody walks up and they're like, Hey, you know what happened to me? And we're like, who are you? It's like fucking if Barry Bonds came back from the batting circle and went into the dugout and you were just like, Oh dude, it's crazy, man. When I play baseball, this happened or, you know, dude, you're in the audience. So you got to check people. Now, I didn't check them in a shitty way. I was like, seems this has a nice energy.

I like the guy. But now you can go. And then they started talking. And I just fucking, just Charlie Brown's teacher. Because they got involved. And I was like, oh, dude, I'm out. They all were involved. And I was like, I'm out.

Maybe they're best friends. No, I have no idea. But I told this to my wife. And she's like, you can't do that. And I was like, man, I guess that's just where we differ. She's like, because I wasn't even being a dick. That's the thing that we get into arguments about sometimes is like how I've got a tone and it's like, dude, I'm just from the fucking East coast really.

Right. Because I say Mario and not Mario. Like I got a tone. Cause I say orange instead of orange. I got a tone. Cause I say forest instead of orange, I got a tone? Because I say forest instead of forest, I got a tone! Dude, I'm going to rustle some feathers right now.

That L.A. Rams thing, where the A.I. robots were? Yeah? You know it? Oh, you have not seen this? Oh, wow. Have you? Wow. The movie The Creator,

that comes out with Denzel, not Denzel Washington, whatever the son's name is. Isaiah Washington. John Washington. I don't know, George Washington. They did a promo where they introduced AI robots into the stands and walking around on the field at the LA Rams game. Okay. Now everyone is like, oh my God, look, it's really happening. This

overwhelming, like, this is crazy. Can't believe how, look, it's really happening. This overwhelming, like, this is crazy. Can't believe how real they look. Look at them. This is unbelievable. Wow. Overwhelmingly. They're saying, Oh my God, this is crazy how they did that. obviously fucking people in there hey guys it's people and and i know people don't believe that they're gonna be like no way dude how do they hey if ai was that good already it wouldn't take the fucking movie to like fund this expedition. There's so much wrong with this thing. It's unbelievable. They pull one over on you.

It's all for promo, so fine. Dude, they're walking around like people. Have you seen the latest robots? Look up real life robots. It's like some fucking idiot woman with no hair just like i like cheesecake cheesecake is my favorite dessert you think that they just have eight ai robots that literally are like hey how you doing hi i'm a person hey what's up walking around taking in football walking around on the field.

Do you know how much that would cost? You think, first of all, the movie, the creator broke that news that now there's AI walking among us and that they spent, Dude, how much would that cost? There were like six of them at least. How much would that cost? $30 million? And they didn't do that. They're fucking people, dude.

You dumbos. My videographer, Sam, was like, no way, they're not people. I was like, oh, Sam, they got you. I mean, dude, they're just, they're like, hi. And these people in the stands are so dumb. They're like, hi. And the person in the AI suit is like this.

Dude, because you know who's in there, Ralph, I mean, and I know people are gonna be like, dude, no, no, no, no, there is no, I go, I watched the thing that Sam, oh, Sam, this is people, and he was like, no way, you being a contrarian, it's fucking people watch the video dude play a little bit of it you know but dude it's just so i don't i don't know ai's scary as shit it's scary as shit like what's going on over there, AI? Bro, how hilarious is that? Mercedes-Benz made the fucking jumping mode to get out of sand. Who's buying Mercedes to drive through sand?

They made a jumping mode where if you get caught in sand, you can just jump out of it. Like, the Mercedes just goes like, kind of like hydraulics, and it jumps out. And of course, obviously, people are just doing it in the streets because it's dope looking. Like, look at this shit. The Mercedes-Benz just creates

a special jumping mode to rescue us. And then they're just in the street, dude. And if you think I'm not going to get one of these fucking cars, you're absolutely out to lunch. I'm getting one of these, and I'm going to be bouncing everywhere. What if some of these clips were just of people fucking in the car and nobody knew? That's dope, dude.

Look at the way they're doing it. I wish every car did this. Peacocking at its finest, huh? Unreal. I saw that movie Flight where they land the plane upside down and then... This is the thing, the problem I have with Hollywood based on a real story shit.

The fucking thing was nothing like what happened, you know? Just don't say based on a true story. Don't do that. It makes people... It's such a sucker move. People go, oh, really? I got to go see that. And then they like add vampires.

And you're like, well, it was based on it. And then we just introduced the, you know. The guy did it upside down, flew upside down and then landed, I guess. And I was looking it up. And apparently there were different articles where they said everyone died. But then he saved some people, I thought. Flight based on true story. The events of the film were inspired by true events

involving a pilot actually inverting a commercial airplane in order to stabilize and save the lives of most of the passengers. So there you go. And then... I'm drunk now. I'm drunk right now. Dude, that's the fucking meme. At 11 a.m. Hey, are you going to drink tonight? I'm drunk now. I'm drunk right now. So funny. But look at this oh sideways oh oh my god dude oh wow landed sideways like it's like he's in fucking cobra and the gi joe oh my god i'm my last that would, that would be, I would be like, I'm shitting, and then, and then we would make it, and I'd be like, oh, well, okay,

that mean just sideways, dude, unreal, oh, God bless, huh? God bless. All right, guys, I got your holler.baby. I got your holler.baby things right here. We're trying out this new thing on holler.baby. You can go to holler.baby slash Chris D'Elia, where I do these really quick little reads for you guys. We're testing this out, seeing how it's going. And here are some of them. And some of them, I don't even know if they're real or not, but this is what we got. So Ryan Miller would like for you to check out Thirsty Goose Portable Bedside Urinal for Med at thirstygoose.co. Dude, are there really those? I'm getting one maybe because I want to just be able to roll off and just tinkle out the side. Check out at Daisy Dazzled Dreams for all your custom themed

spiritual and healing goodies. That's absolutely, that sounds like a, yeah, so that's a crazy person, but it's okay, dude. It's okay. Daisy Dazzled Dreams. That whole thing sounds insane, but there you go. If you're into that stuff, great. Kyle Huddy. I love you, dingus. Love B. That's cutest, cutest shit. That's bianca there need another podcast give jared and jared a try today no don't do that but they're saying do it so that's the ad um need a great brand video content need great brand video content go to scout uh straight dash what is that dash hyphen scout hyphen creative.com check out the band scooped up if you dig pop punk we make high-end animations even for podcasts visit jvarda.com we got to do that here's another one

go check out the z listers podcast nice name i like that name basic honey the only honey and candles for my babies. Nice. I like how they added my endorsement in there, even though I've never had it before. But anyway, appreciate you guys. Go to holler.baby slash Chris D'Elia if you're interested in buying a little ad or a shout out. Okay, you had to pump some air in here for a little bit. This thing was crazy.

How they kicked out Lauren Bovert at a showing of Beetlejuice the play, Don't Go See It. Well, it's got to be a musical, right? Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Don't you have to say his name? Isn't that what it goes? Yeah, three times.

What's that say my name three times thing? There's like so many different stories. It was like, you say his name three times and then like Candyman. Who else?ary that yep yep yep yep that's what started it all uh sitting u.s congressman lauren bobert so she was at beetlejuice the musical oh my head so small um and what the fuck the guys have dinosaur and um she her husband or boyfriend boyfriend was uh basically jiggling her titties uh and they got kicked out jiggling her titties and also she had her hand down his pants stroking all good weird to do at a musical when you're dressed all nice um you know what i mean like in a movie theater i get it like if you're

going to see fucking transformers okay but you're going to you're having a night out you know what i mean you're having a night out in a nice sequined dress the guy's got a sport coat on and you just start stroking right that's a little much and you're vaping which is so annoying the most egregious thing here is the vaping don't be puffing out plumes of smoke at a anywhere where people are sitting next to you it's so annoying people who vape near me dude some people pull out a vape when i'm driving i go like this roll down the window and then say yo could you roll the window up and i up? And I say, not if you're puffing up plumes of smoke, baby. You want me to smell, you want it to smell like chemical strawberries up in here? Keep that shit in your lungs and outside of my car. Dude. So,

so she was stroking them off. He was getting jiggly with the damn titties, right? And they were doing everything that couples do. And it's all good, my baby. It's all good to jiggle some titties. It's all good to get stroked. Okay. And it's kind of okay to do it covertly in a place. And maybe this is their kink. Maybe they like to do it in public. And he's not taking the titties out. She's not taking the tip out. She's not doing these things, right? But they got kicked out because she was vaping, which is super annoying, and singing, which is super annoying, and taking selfies, which is basically, she's basic, okay? And this is terrible. This is so annoying. And the dude was probably just all like, oh, this is awesome, dude. Oh, hell yeah. Got congressman's titties

watching Beetlejuice, dude. No way. Stroke it a little bit. Um, so they were doing that and they were having a good time. He was getting all spunked out right and then they threw him out and now this this kind of shit is the shit i hate surveillance video of lauren bobert kicked out of the beetle juice of beetle juice in denver for reportedly vaping singing recording and causing a disturbance congress your turn like like that's a fucking booted out of congress that's a this anybody who first of all there's video surveillance of this hey sue him this is a sex act almost well you can't say it's a sex act because then that would be illegal but like dude what about the fact that yeah you probably can't sue him but this is just sucks

that now she's being humiliated and she's gonna want to fucking jump off the eiffel tower and uh and now the left is like you got to kick her out but also they're cool with you know trans women showing their titties on the white house lawn so it's like you know what i mean i don't like how it's all out war no matter what it's like it's either okay to do this shit or it's not it doesn't matter what you believe if you're squeezing titties in public is it okay or not because if you're on the left and you're screaming about she can't be squeezing titties and be in congress then then it's not okay for Joe Biden to let trans women honk their titties on the White House floor, right? White House lawn. Because this is the thing, too, because they're like, everything is empowering to women.

Everything is empowering to women unless you don't like the person and then, oh, she's being a slut. Who hasn't done this shit, by the way? You know slut who hasn't done this shit by the way you know who hasn't done this shit square ass motherfuckers i don't give a shit i don't know and i didn't even know she was right or left until i saw the fucking news about her i was like oh i get it it's the liberals that are mad um but yeah dude look at this video of it. He's honking them titties, dude. And then he got kicked out. The recording thing is what you get kicked out for. They were like, man, you have to go.

Why? Actually, him honking your titties is fine, but you were recording and we can't do that. That's IP. That's intellectual property. It was the fact that you're stroking his tip. That's fine. I don't really care about that. I come here and I see plays all the time.

My wife strokes my tip, but you have to leave because of the recording. Getting them all splurged is fine. And then she writes, I'm a Christian. So they may, how tone deaf is this tweet? I thought it had to be a joke.

I am a Christian. So they may try to drive me to my knees, but that's where I am the strongest. Oh, great. Now I'm the strongest. Oh. Great. Now I'm horny. Dude, you can't say that, period. But you can't say it after you got tossed out of Beetlejuice for getting your titties closed.

That's a blowjob position. And I thought it was a joke until she wrote after that, time to get your minds out of the gutter, guys. We're talking about prayer here. Hey, you put our minds in the gutters. It started with squeezing titties. It started with stroking tips. It started with hiding your hand.

And now you're going to be all like, hey, get me on my knees. I'm trying to suck a guy off. Hey, get your mind out of the gutter. I'm a Christian, dude. They're trying to drive me to my knees with my mouth open, but that's where I'm the strongest,

sucking. Hey, guys, get your minds out of the gutter. I'm talking about prayer here. I wonder what will happen. She'll probably be okay. I didn't know that people in Congress had such nice racks, dude. Honestly, being for real. But then they're trying to go after Howard Stern because he's like,

I don't, this whole thing, he says she's a disgrace to the country. And I listened to it a little bit. They're making it sound a lot worse than it is. But it's so weird that Howard Stern got a huge, got famous for, you know, objectifying women. With Jimmy Kimmel. No, was that,

was he on the man show ever, Howard Stern? Was Jimmy Kimmel part of that shit? Kimmel was a part of what, the Stern? No, Kimmel was, got it. I get them confused because Jimmy Kimmel was the same thing. He had that fucking man show. And now he's like so liberal but like howard stern is wow he says being called woke is a compliment i'm not for stupidity it's crazy dude i feel like that

if he didn't do that he would have got so dragged into the fucking me too shit right maybe not maybe he's on the level i have no idea i've only heard he's a really nice good guy i never met him um but that's so crazy to make your like to cut your teeth on the objectifying women like and then be like yo somebody on somebody in Congress can't hook up? Like, they're not priests. And even priests, dude. Hey, priests. Come on.

Well, most priests are, you know, a lot of priests do it because they're gay, but like, the priests that are straight, hey, hey, hey. Sup, dude? Come on, get it wet a little bit, right? Hey, I get it. How art thou father, thy name, whatever the fuck it is,

but also get it wet a little bit, right? I get it, you know, chastity belts and whatnot, but yo, a priest, let's get it going in the fucking horizontal department. Am I right or what? I know, I know, I'm going to hell, but also priests, you know what I'm saying? Get at least stroked off a little bit in a movie theater.

That's all I'm saying, right? Enough with the fucking, you don't, you know, I know that the Catholicism was rampant with the fucking, the pedophilia and the little boys. Stop doing that, obviously. And if you're gay, cool, but fuck adult men. And then also get it wet a little bit, right? You know what I'm talking about priests the the the the celibacy thing is crazy the whole i don't have sex with nobody that's crazy dude sex feels good dude you ever have that it's so dope every time you have it you're like oh yeah this you know i it's so weird every time you have it you're like huh i think your mind does something like

after you don't do it for even a few days and then you're like and then you do it after that and you're like oh yeah i forgot it was this dope we gotta do this more often you know you think that with your wife and shit we gotta do this more often that man like you have those thoughts in your head even besides the thought guys thoughts during sex is always oh man it's so hot but then also you think regular thoughts like oh man we gotta do this more often or something like oh oh the pillows are in the wrong place you know you still think real thoughts but then you go we got to do this more often ah fuck man and you turn on something but the new show with matthew good or whatever the fuck that move that movie is with the lady that looks like the girl from fucking vampire diaries not vampire diaries

what's the other one twilight zone. What the fuck? The Twilight movie? Twilight? Jesus Christ. I fucked that up, huh? I'm a grandpa. The Witch Zone or whatever the fuck that new movie is called. It's a show. It's a show. God, dude, I'm getting old, man.

I can't wait to like... I got a little bit of gray hair. I want my hair to be gray as shit. I want to be a silver fox. I don't like just the gray in my beard. I want this to come through. You know what I need to do? I need someone to scare the shit out of me. I need someone to just fucking go,

boo, around the corner. I go, oh, and I go, right? I'm going to dye it. I'm going to dye. I've never dyed my hair one time in my life. I'm going to dye it. Once it starts getting gray, I'm going full Raiden.

Not Spanish. Idiot. Doesn't know it. Mi schedule. Yo, Balvin, where you at with it? I need you at the store. Dude. The worst? Whose line is it anyway? Still doing it. What's up with you coming by the store and doing like an official in-store i need to know asap calvin no problem i got you but valvin you've been telling me that you got me i need to know what day on your calendar all right i'm gonna

check the calendar today yo valvin let's do it man put me in the calendar the worst improv dude the worst improv not ever getting past his one part of saying yeah but we got to make a date though you know never moving the never moving it forward come to miami southeast seven and collins we the best store we got your sneakers man and when they come out the whole world won't come get them But I want them to see you. I want you to touch the people not is that you know We got that thing we work it on together. You know I can't tell you know it's a surprise, but we got You yes, Kevin dentist

whoever booty Cut change the name of your shoes the new name of your shoes. The new name of your shoes is called Dientes. The J Balvin sneakers are called Dientes. Dude, that was the worst improv I've ever seen in my life. Dude, imagine that's his fucking Groundlings audition. That's his Saturday Night Live audition.

Dude. J Balvin. How are you, Kale? Okay, look. Por favor, Balvin, me quiere tu venir. He starts himself doing Spanish and then gives up halfway through. And also never moves the bit past the first line. And even switches places and is still not moving it.

Only moves it physically. We the best store. No problemo, Kale. Me dis it physically. So bad at Spanish. Doesn't know it. Who's filming it, you know? Gotti. Give me a date. Oh, no. It's this phone. Balvin, I need you at the store. Give me a date. Who's filming it, you know? I'm calling Reggie right now. Oh, Balvin. Got it.

Are we going to do this in-store? You know, I got your sneakers going. All right, guys. So bad, you know? God, dude. What the fuck is DJ Khaled going to be like when he's 75? Enough of this shit. Everybody's famous.

Great. Everybody's famous. All right. That's good for now. I appreciate you guys. Reading, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Richmond, Virginia, Philadelphia. I said that already. I will be there.

Ottawa tonight. Canada. And then a bunch of other dates. ChrisAlea.com. Go get that merch. It looks nice. Look, your boy's wearing it right now. Yo, Balvin, where you at?

Yo, Balvin. Look at the pocket. Stay deep. Yo, Balvin. Hold up, wrong phone. Yo, Balvin. We got the diving board right above the pocket right there. That's where the cash go. Yo, Balvin. Hold up, wrong phone. Yo, Balvin. We got the diving board right above the pocket right there. That's where the cash go.

Yo, Balvin. So go get that chrisdalia.com. Let them know your pocket's deep. And I spit all over the place when I did that. But I appreciate you guys and leave a comment. That's it for the YouTube show. If you want to watch the rest, the uncut version of the podcast, go to patreon.com. want to watch the rest, the uncut version of the podcast, go to patreon.com slash chris D'Elia. Also, go get the two, three years worth of extra episodes that we have on Patreon

that will be unlocked the moment you subscribe for only $6. And go do that, patreon.com slash chris D'Elia. And also, it helps us keep this show going. I really appreciate it. I appreciate you guys. Thank you.