Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 342. Secrets

Episode Date: October 12, 2023

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Runk. Well, guys, hey, how's it going? I will be in the Covina Laugh Factory October 12th to the 14th working on some new stuff. I will be in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Cleveland, Ohio, Detroit, Michigan, Orlando, Florida, Fort Myers, and a bunch of different dates coming up. Philadelphia, Trenton, New Jersey is on sale now. Trenton, New Jersey, home state. So go to chrislea.com to get those tickets. And then we've got the absolutely the most wanted merch, which is awesome. We've got the pocket stay deep tees um and the decals for the car it's just great dude show your love show your part of this cult life rips merch life rips hoodies and uh pants

and all that and join our cult flannels which are absolutely ill uh chrislea.com and without that welcome to everyone's favorite health and wellness podcast. Congratulations. Speaking of health and wellness, I will say, since this is everyone's favorite health and wellness podcast, my son, I was about to start the podcast 20 minutes ago until I opened the door before I started just to check on stuff. And my son Calvin was feeding my son William petroleum jelly. So there we go. So that's good.

So I went out there and I... It's never as bad as you think it is. Well, I shouldn't say never. I'm good at not going to DEFCON 10 anymore immediately for stuff. And Calvin just says, look, look, dad, I'm feeding him milk. And I look and he's got his finger

in the petroleum jelly in the Vaseline. And I say, wait, oh, okay, cool. And I was like, wait a minute, what? And he was like, wait a minute, what? And he was like, I'm feeding Billy milk. And I look and I said, oh, well, show me what you're doing. And sure enough, he stuck it in, scooped it and went to go put it in his mouth. And man, I went to say, I said, oh, no, no, no, buddy, that's not food. That's not food. Don't do that. And he got, oh, dude, it's actually weird because I was trying to not,

well, I didn't want to flip out. I didn't want to scare Calvin. But then also, don't feed your brother wax. Don't feed your brother mineral oil. Now, the only reason why I know mineral oil and certain natural waxes in Vaseline and petroleum jelly is because I looked it up. Because I looked it up because after my son gave my son Vaseline. So now I'm more knowledgeable, really.

So really there's an upside to everything. I could be like, oh no, you know, Billy's going to get a stomachache. Or I could be like, you know what? Now I have knowledge. What makes Vaseline, and also besides that, what makes if it's dangerous or not, it's not so bad. I went to call Kristen.

She wasn't home. And I said, this happened. And she said, well, just look it up. And I looked it up and it's fine. Anyway, dude, so if your son feeds or if you're, you know, anyone gets into some petroleum jelly, it's actually probably a nice delicatessen in some certain areas. But delicacy, delicatessen, idiot. That's a deli.

So that's a place where you go to get meat and all that stuff. Been eating real nice, dude. I'll tell you what, dude. I ate real nice and I've been eating real nice. All right. Now I'm natty. Okay. I know everyone is like, how is he so, he's not natty, right? And he's like, because he's veed out, his shoulders go on days, and he's got film crews on the back, but also, I just lift up my shirt, and you don't see Palumboism, right, so I'm obviously natty, okay, my stomach isn't sticking out like I, like I'm three months, four months pregnant, all right, my sides aren't hardened, because they're storing too many carbs, or whatever the fuck fuck that that Palumboism is. By the way, do you know what Palumboism is? It's when your stomach you're so juiced that your stomach is distended and it's popping out.

And it's and I was like, why is it called Palumboism? Because the first guy on record to get it was named somebody Palumbo. And I'm like, oh, dude, worse. Like at least Lou Gehrig's disease can like kill you. Palumboism, you just kind of look like dollism, you know? And that's so gross. Right. And so now you just look it up, look up Palumboism. Here, we'll show you a little bit of it, but it's like distended tummies and shit. And it's like, you're all buff, but also you brag. So it's disgusting, dude. Really buff guys are fucking absolutely disgusting. What are you doing, dude? What are you doing? Hey, guy, chill out. What are you doing? What do you make? Fucking 30 grand a year. You know,

these guys are like, I'm competing for the IFBBPB Pro. Something shouldn't be, what are those anagrams and acronyms? Whatever those things are, there's too many of them. Too many letters, done. I'm competing for the IFBBPB Pro. I was the winner of the fucking

IPBFBBF Pro in Utah. SLC. IPBFBBO. S in Utah. SLC. IPBF, PBO, SLC, Utah, USA, PBO. It's too much, dude. Hey, also, you're short. Dude, the people, every you look at all the people who are bodybuilders

are like 5'9 and 5'8 and shit. And it's like, just chill. Hey, you're short. If you're really big and a bodybuilder here's the other thing you're gonna die soon we want me to look at the thing if you're really big and you're gonna be a bodybuilder if you're like six six five you're gonna die soon dude you know work out a healthy amount eat enough chicken uh where's the link you want me to click? At the top? Oh, favorite bodybuilder video. Dude, oh yeah, this shit,

but there's music to it, right? Yeah, he does the... Dude, this guy's like so big. It doesn't matter if there's music? We'll get demonetized? You'll cut out the music? You'll cut out the music? You'll cut out the music and you'll just make it silent? Is what you're saying? Okay, I'll just make it silent then.

Here we go. Muscle mania. Here we go. Chul Soon at the 16 Muscle Mania University show. Universe show. It's idiot. So he's posing. These guys look absolutely terrible. Like, it doesn't look good.

What the fuck? So not natural. Everyone's doing steroids, you know? Why do they pretend like they're not? Little as penises, too. And not because they're necessarily little, but because the muscles are so big it makes it look... And this is all... Let me just...ises, too. And not because they're necessarily little, but because the muscles are so big it makes it look. And this is, let me just, so, okay, before we even really get into this video, the worst thing is being this buff. Okay? that in the category of so hard to do and so hard to achieve and matters the least, okay?

Being extra buff, number one. Number two, and I've always said this, breakdancing. Dude, it's so hard. You've so many years, so many years training, not taking away from how much dedication you have. That's why all these bodybuilders talk about dedication because it's all they have.

I'm so dedicated, dude. I'm fucking dedicated. Yeah, all right, cool. flat, now you're bigger, okay, also, you're like 30 pounds bigger, it's not that much, you know, or you're, or you're, you, you lost fat, so, and every time I talk about this, people are like, all right, bro, you're a fucking hater. You're a beta. I work out. So I'm not like,

I'm not upset about any of this shit. It's just bodybuilding and also breakdancing. And I believe this video is both. No? Doesn't he do both? Whatever it is. So insecure, this guy.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Doesn't know what to do. It starts dancing. His muscles are fantastic, dude. So insecure. This looks like AI. This straight up looks like AI. The worst routine.

God, he's so muscular, dude. Chul Soon. Oh, bodybuilding. Yeah, yeah. Dude, he's breakdancing a little bit, bro. That's so dumb! The guy works so hard at the most things that don't matter, I love it, the head thing is great, this head swivel thing, unreal, so anyway,

I don't know, it's just like, I'm natty, took fucking creatine for four days, probably stopped doing that, but that's natty took fucking creatine creatine for four days probably stopped doing that but that's natty dude right it's natty I don't know my friend was talking about how he knew somebody on TRT

and he's just like so strong and I'm like that's cool but then synthetically you'll make TRT and then your body won't you'll make testosterone and then your body won't make testosterone naturally so that's great. That's cool. And so it's like, you got to keep taking it. And I guess that's okay if you keep taking it, but also now you got to keep taking that fucking drug. It's like me and Stalapram. Uh, anyway, switching med, though. Too many fucking thoughts in my head. I think working out is cool.

So, all right, that's enough of that shit, dude. Look at what this says on my notes. I didn't write this. My producer did one fire. Prob want to stay away from talking about Israel, Palestine, Hamas. Probably. It's all it's all it's just terrible um i want to look at this though drake's album came out do you like drake's album i listened to three of them that one with jay coles that is really good

my yo dog i had to look up how old this was when I finished listening to the album. You are 36. Your birthday is in 20 days. I Googled that, too. You will be 37 years old. Joe Budden, talk about Drake. Get the fuck away from some of these younger niggas

and stop fucking these 25-year-olds. I'm listening to the album. Yo, you're a 37-year-old billionaire. I get it that you appeal to the world. Loving about Cole. Like, my shit is happening in reverse. Like, with Cole, he used to rap about kid shit. I'm a grown-ass, like, real Jersey City n****.

I want to hear how you lost your virginity. And then he started to grow up. And then the rapping sounded like an adult rapping. I want to hear adult Drake rapping for adult people. No. The guy just goes, no.

Dude, what do you think about that? I don't know. Did Drake respond in the comments, you said? Oh, it's in the comments. Yeah, I feel like... I don't know. You're number one. You get fucking hated on.

Also, he's... I don't know. He's 36. I guess he you know he's just fucking what do you want him to rap about world peace and shit fracking yeah oh we yo are you are you are you pro or anti fracking yeah what dude what is it straight up every time someone tells me what fracking is i go like this oh cool and then immediately i forget it so that's great i'm a fucking idiot dude um the drake album the decol the j cole song and drake is so good and then everything else is sing song he seems, and then 21 Savage is on one of them and I don't get that guy.

So I'm old. I'm a boomer. What do you want from me? I'm not a boomer, but I'm a boomer in a way. Um, I guess there was a streaker at the today show, but that's honestly what was I? Oh yeah, I oh yeah I was I was talking about that here's the thing about the today show though

don't have that fucking stupid ass window you're asking for it you're absolutely asking for it here it is on youtube come on play it it's cool it's not playing here we go why is there no sound on it there's no sound on it i just had something brand new from hoda there he goes a new podcast oh god oh there's a naked winner i just had something brand new from there he goes a new

podcast the cop should just be running after what is happening oh happening? Oh my gosh. Hoda. Okay. Well, they... That's the thing. Don't have that window. I don't like that shit. Because anybody... They deserve a guy naked running by. Because it's like...

Have walls in back of you. You're a studio, dude. I don't... You know what I want to see? Well, I want to see that way more than I want to see this. I don't like that at all. I don't like you know what I want to see? I want to see that way more than I want to see this. Um, I don't like that at all. I don't like that at all.

Um, anyway, um, let's go back to the fucking thing. Cause so, yeah, I've been eating clean is what I was trying to fucking say. Um, and I been eating like, you know, salmon. This gets good. I know it's boring right now. Salmon, broccoli, sweet potatoes, or as anybody in my family from New Jersey would say, sweet potatoes. And that kind of stuff. Okay?

Really nothing to, I think I had a chicken sandwich once. Then besides that, super good, no sweets, period, period, no sweets. So I'm like, Saturday night, I say to my, first of all, I say to my buddy, hey, when do you want to hang out? Friday, Saturday, or Saturday? And he says, well, I can't Sunday, but either Friday or Saturday. So I say, all right, Friday, let's do, all right. I say, all right, Saturday, let's do it. And he says, okay.. So I say, all right, Friday, let's do it. I say, all right, Saturday, let's do it. And he says, okay. Sorry. I say, all right, Friday, let's do it. And he says, okay. And then I say to my wife, hey, let's get dinner on Saturday and do like a date night. And she's like, awesome. Then my buddy hits me back and says, oh, dude, sorry, man.

Actually got to hang out with the girl that I'm starting to see. Can't do it Friday, so let's do it Saturday. And I go like this. No. You made your bed. I asked you to see what's up. You're going to be P-U-S-S-Y whipped. Okay?

You're going to do that on someone that you don't even love probably. Okay? Then guess what? You don't get to hang out now i go like this sorry man i asked you first and now i have a date with my wife then and that's what's up i'm pissed but i'm also in love dude so i'm gonna be so pissed in love on saturday and i'm not gonna to see you Friday night. What am I going to do Friday night? I hang out with my fucking wife, I guess.

So now two times I'm going to hang out with my wife. In love. I'm pissed. And that's fine. So Saturday night, I'm like, where do you want to go? She's like, I don't know. Oh, no, you know what? Friday night I went to go visit my buddy at fucking, I didn't actually.

But this is where, you know, you learn stuff as you talk. So I went to this place on Friday night, met up with my buddy. It was his birthday. And I said, I'm going to take my wife out on Saturday. We're going to do like a date night. Where should I go? And he says, I don't know. So I'm like, all right.

So I look up on OpenTable. I'm 43, dude. He does OpenTable, right? That's an app where you look up and you can make reservations on places. And I'm like, does right. So I look up on OpenTable. I'm 43, dude. He does OpenTable, right? That's an app where you look up and you can make reservations on places. And I'm like, does it even have nice places? Or is it just bullshit places? Because if it's on OpenTable, how special am I if everyone can use it? Maybe I'm not special.

And that's fine. Maybe I need to be humbled just by opening up an app. And that's, you know, it is what it is. So I open up the app. Got a lot of four-star, five-star restaurants or whatever, how many stars it goes up to. Whatever the fullest amount of stars is, that's the amount of stars it has on a lot of the restaurants. I look at the dollar signs. It's got the most amount of dollar signs.

I'm like, I'm not gonna take my wife to some fucking, you know, Chipotle or, or, or, uh, what's the other one? The vegan place, vegan house. What the hell is it? I don't know. Who cares? The, the, the one everywhere. What is it?

Fuck is that place called? Vegan place. You know what I'm talking about? talking about hold on god damn it i'm pissed now i swear i need to ginkgo below below beloga beloga beloga uh not real what's the fucking chain god damn it look at all these ones that you can't even google it without in los angeles it still gives you the hip ones it's like vegan glory and god damn it what is the fucking one that is everywhere you know what i'm talking about you don't know what i'm talking about the vegan chain you don't know oh my god dude

you don't eat it oh i'm so pissed dude you have witnessed me veggie grill you know veggie grill right he's seen it he says he admits it he goes i've seen it, he says. He admits it. He goes, I've seen it. I've seen it. Veggie grill. Fuck, man, there's so many of them.

I'm not taking her to veggie grill. That's my point. So now I'm like, all right, let's look it up. I look up. I go to this place. I say, is Everly good? The guy says, oh, it's so good. Sit on the back patio. He says, all right, well, you should have just said the place.

All right, fine, whatever. So I looked at the other guy. I said, is Everly good? Oh, so good. I said, all right, I'm going to get Everly. It's Italian. So I go like this Saturday night. I'm just going to carve it up. I don't give a fuck. I'm not going to be one of those guys. That's like, yeah, going to a nice place that gets to go into the place known for what the place is for Italian food. And then I'm just going to like, you know, get a salad. I don't do that shit. I don't like those kinds of guys. So I'm going to load it up, all right?

So I go there and I'm like, I don't have to load all up, right? I can eat some. I could, you know, cheat a little bit on the food, right? But not crazy amount. Dude, once I sat down, I didn't even think about curbing it at all. I go, I look at the menu and I say, can I have the sopra seta pizza and also the ragu with the wide noodles? And he says, great. It came. The pizza was for me and her. I ate all of it. I ate the whole pizza with the sopra seta and honey and chili.

I ate the whole fucking thing. And then the pasta came. And I was like, I'm only going to eat half of this. And I didn't even stop. I ate the whole fucking thing. Okay. Then the guy said, want dessert? And I go like this.

I'm already all in. What am I doing? Yeah. What do you have? And he says says ice cream sandwich with the cook i go stop right there bring it he says two i say one i say one because i think we can share it but secretly i know she's not gonna even have a bite so one for me it comes it's way too big i don't like ice cream sandwiches that are at fancy places

because one thing you don't fuck with is an ice cream sandwich from a store. It's unfuckwittable. It's unfuckwittable. It's so beautiful, right? So you're not going to fancy it and gussy it up like brownies? Unfuckwittable, right? What else is unfuckwittable uh shit did they that's that's the thing i need to talk to my brother about my brother's always like you don't like the

good gourmet shit that's what i gotta say because it's they're making shit gourmet that's unfuckwittable that's the thing i gotta say to him is this unfuckwittable that's a cool thing to say anyway um yo ate the fucking it came the cookie too big, and it was a little frozen, and then the thing, dude, didn't stop me from not eating, ate it, the boy walks around at 205, okay, he walks around at 205, he's big, he's a tall drink of water, you can't really tell when he gains 10 pounds because of him walking around at six foot two, six foot three. And I'm still growing. I'm getting taller. All right. And yeah, he's angular, but he walks around like, you know,

and he also has a swag. He walks like a ball player, and he was 213, 214, he was, couldn't tell, you know, when I shot my special, I was 213, 214, all good, couldn't really tell because it evened out, right, started eating beautiful, just really good, we're making my Italian ancestors be like, you got, hey, you lose a weight, you eat the fucking, eat more, right, clocked it, got a fucking smart scale too, god damn it, this is interesting, got a smart scale, stood on it, got it to do the body weight, the bone density. It's got water percentage, skeletal density, BMI, heart rate, got it all. You get on the scale, it shows your weight, and then you wait a little bit, and it shows the rest of this stuff. Not once have I waited.

I got off a beat, so I don't even know the rest of the shit. I got it paid for all the extra shit. That's how respectful I am. I get on the scale. It goes, I weigh myself. And then it says, calculating the rest of it. Yo, your boy takes the true old five and steps off. You're not going to tell me what my heart rate is. You're not going to tell me what my skeletal muscles are. I want to know how much I weigh. All right. Even though you tricked me into buying it. Okay. So now 203, he gets down to hard work, dedication, perseverance, never stopping, sweating it out, getting fancy with the kettlebells. You know what I'm talking about?

All right? Super setting on supersets. So I go to Everly, okay? I fuck with one meal. Like my name is, you know, Butch or something. I mean, I fuck with one meal. Like my name is Vinny, like one meal where I'm just like, we're like, I'm wearing a pinky ring. Like I don't give a fuck. One meal. I get home. I step on the scale. I'm 209.5. Six and a half pounds.

That sucks, God. Hey, God, come on, please? Hey, God, it was one meal. Yeah, it was a whole pizza, a bunch of rigatoni, and half of a huge ice cream sandwich. But hey, God, come on, man. Yo, for real? are you shitting me thank god i walk around like a ball player so i still can keep it so fucking absolutely ridiculously sexy just with my swag and whatnot i'm a fat guy now again. Dude.

I'm not even V'd out anymore. I'm like a fucking upside down tent with people in it. Two days. I haven't been getting to, I couldn't get back. It's been three days. I can't get back to 203. I go like this.

I say, what the fuck? Somebody I know knows a lot about nutrition. I said, what the fuck? She's like, it's all about the salt. And I'm like, it's not, dude. You know, don't tell me that. It's all about the salt. The salt's what kills you.

I'm like, you know what? I shouldn't be talking about this with anybody because everybody's just going to be fucking wrong about it. So I ate clean as shit today. Today I didn't even eat until 12.30, dude. And I woke up at 11. I ate some overnight oats

before I fucking went to work out. Got crazy with it. Around 20 minutes. Came back, ate eight ounces of salmon. This is so interesting. And then two, three sweet potato slices and a little bit of roasted vegetables, dude.

I'm natty. You know? Health and wellness podcast. Boy, I didn't even know how much of a health and wellness podcast I was going to be talking about this. But it is. And it's true. And that's what's great about it. So anyway, that place was really great.

I've got to do date night more. What is it about when you do stuff? You get tricked into thinking, yeah, I got to do this more. And then you just don't, you know? You know what I'm talking about? You ever go for a walk for the fuck of it? If you go for a walk and you don't normally go for walks and you're walking around with your spouse or kids or friend, whatever, and you don't at least think, you probably say it, but if you don't normally go for walks. And you're walking around with your spouse or kids or friend, whatever. And you don't at least think. You probably say it. But if you don't at least think, I got to do this more.

I got to do this more. You're an absolute robot. You're a sociopath. That is the human condition to do something like that and think, I got to do this more. And then you start thinking shit like, oh, you know, humans were built to do this. When we were in our ancestors, they built huts, but they spent most of the time outside in caves. And, you know, that's what you do. And then you just go back and you just don't do it again.

That's American. That's it. That's American. I always think one time I was in a strip club and I was with a buddy of mine. We went to a strip club and he went back to get a lap dance and he went with the worst one. And I'm talking about this was in deep North Hollywood. Okay. For people that aren't in Hollywood, they don't even know there's a North Hollywood. Hey, guys, there's a North Hollywood. They know West Hollywood.

They might not, but they don't know North Hollywood. Well, guess what? There is one. All right? And it's riddled with, you know, like, checks, cash places, places and bail bonds and strip clubs. Okay. We went one to one and he, oh man, it was so funny, dude. He was like, we went to the strip club. It was me, him and another guy. And we were like, wow, that one's like crazy. But she was hustling. You know what I'm talking about? I guess I would say the worse looking you are as a stripper,

the more you've got to be a, every day I'm hustling. Every day I'm hustling. Every day I'm hustling. Just on the fucking pole. And that was a banger at the strip club too. Just chicks come out with, you know, 16 teeth. Just pear-shaped. Every day I'm hustling.

Every day I'm, every day. And you're like, well, yeah, she needs to, you know. And then a fucking dope ass. Just bodied out. Caramel sundae comes out and you're just like that's the one but anyway just a beautiful fucking hourglass shaped cookies and cream just waltzing out and you're oh you know they do that to that one song they come out

they come out to that song. Ah, shit, dude. Symportis head? My God, dude. Some Portishead. My God, dude. If you want to hook up with a chick and you're in a room with her and you're single and she's chilling and she's got no interest in it, all you got to do is pour some wine and just play a little bit of Portishead. And, dude, get the towels out. Darling, I'll be right back. I'm going to the bathroom to grab some towels. Because the fine chicks either dance to that or so seductive. That one?

So seductive. That one? Anyway. So the ugly ones come out to, Every day I'm hustling. You know, because they have to and shit. So she came out and we were just like, Oh, God, dude.

It was like Friday. We're like, damn. You know? And sure enough, dude, she fucking hustled my friend so hard i went back with some fucking you know she swindled me out of some money i remember i would go to the strip club and the fucking the awesome the best looking one would fucking go back i'd give her the cash and then she'd be like you only give me this and she would hide some of the money and i knew it but i was like all right here you go uh i saw her like recently like a year or two ago and she wow looks awful i just saw her walking around so that's what you get swindling uh anyway he went back with a so every time i think of when i think

of american male this is going back to God damn it. I mean, I'm so devolving at this whole fucking podcast, but he, I'm getting a dance with the fucking good one. And then I come out and I'm like, where the hell's my friend? And my other friend says, you're not going to believe this. He went back with the fucking Rick Ross dancing ass girl. And I go, what? Dude, he comes out after a few minutes just on his face. Just shame, you know?

And he says, he starts off the conversation with, well, I didn't want to, but, and we, dude, we had to sit down because nothing's funnier than that. You understand? You didn't want to? Oh, hey, but guy, you're dead. You know, if you don't want it, don't go. I didn't want to, but, and dude, we immediately sat down tears before laughing because it was that funny when we just had to explode, you know? And he was like, and she, and she convinced me to go back. And then I did. And then she was like, it's going to be so good. And then, and then, and then, and then dude, he was back there and she was, she was grinding on him. And she was like, he explained that her butt was on his, out, his penis was out, you know? And I was like, God damn, dude, all right, you know?

And he was like, and I shot it, dude. He says, and I finally, when I jizzed, this is how we talk, he says, when I jizzed, it shot over her ass. It shot over her ass. It shot over her ass. And dude, and I never, and the reason why I always think of the American male is because I saw that stripper later and she was like, hey dude, I know how it is. Every guy that comes in here is a hot-blooded American male and I know how to work it. Dude, and I always think of that when I think of American or American male and I know how to work it Dude and I always think of that When I think of American or American male And then I think over her ass Dude and we were laughing

When I tell You we were Laughing I said over her ass Dude I think about that so much, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. He just shot a load and just...

I shot over her ass. Over her ass. Oh, man. It was so good, dude. Previously on Shooting Over Her Ass. Previous. Previous. Previously.

Previously on Red Hot. Previously on Hot-Blooded American Male. I said over her ass, dude. Oh, God. I just love it, man. Just holding on for dear life, just squirting. Wow, that was great to relive that shit. You know, that's why I like this podcast. Oh, just holding on for dear life. Just squirting. Oh, wow. That was great to relive that shit. You know, that's why I like this podcast a lot of the time is because it just makes me think of things that have happened in my life that I forget that I relive.

So thank you for that, man. God, I used to fucking, I used to love going to strip clubs. I used to go all the time. And I just don't anymore. I mean, I haven to fucking, I used to love going to strip clubs. I used to go all the time and I just don't anymore. I mean, I haven't been in so well. I think I went two years ago with my wife and some friends and it was to that place on the body shop in the body shop on sunset. And that place used to be awesome. And guess it's i don't know i've gone once but a fire i caught fire and then it and then it fucking well it's not been the same but that's boring but anyway strip clubs are cool but i don't i don't know uh my mom's doing good

i know i shared with you that she fell and broke her hip. She's doing very well. She told me to stop getting tattoos. It's hilarious. She goes like this. Chris, don't do your whole body until I'm dead. That's how she brought it up. And I didn't even understand what she was talking about.

And then I go, oh, yeah, tattoos. And I was like, Ma. You know, what is this, The Sopranos? She was just like, Chris, don't dig your whole body until I'm dead. And I said, Ma. And she said, at this rate, I'm going quickly. It won't be too long. And we laughed instead of cried.

And then I went to go to the bathroom. And I'm like, dude, when your parents fall and break a hip, like all the furniture has to change and shit. If they're 75, it's just like you got to remodel the house. You fall, you break the hip. The whole house changes. You got two levels? You're fucked. You got to have one level.

You can't go up there. What, are you going to be one of those fucking assholes that sits on the side of the railing and just, you know what I mean? You're like this and then up the stairs like a piece of shit. Dude, no. No way. No way. Dude, I'm never doing that. All right?

No matter how old I get, no matter how paraplegic, I'll fucking army crawl up the stairs or drag me up there. I'm not fucking sitting and going. All right? I'm not fucking sitting And going Right But You know If you have two levels and you break your hip You're fucked You're reduced to just chilling on that one level

So you better pick the right one So we moved all the furniture and shit She's got like nine potties around now Cause it's just like, I never know when I'm going to have to shit. I don't know when I have to walk too far. And I'm like, all right. She's joking, obviously.

She's doing good now. But I went to, I was like, I got to go to the bathroom. I had to go number two, not to be crass. And I went in and I looked at the potty and I was like, what the fuck is this thing?

I forgot. Dude, the potties that they give people that break their hips, they look like you, if you fell asleep and dreamed of a potty. They're like so big and weird. I don't really get how it helps with the, with the thing, but I guess it does.

I'm not a doctor, you know. Shout out to my mom, dude. She's doing great. I'm really proud of her. It's cool. Calvin's been walking around, running around the house. One day he woke up and he was just like,

hey, dad, all the food's chocolate. And I was like, huh? And he picks up toys and just goes, ow. Try some. Want to try some? I go, dude, all the food, all the toys, just goes, try some. Want to try some? I go, dude, all the toys are chocolate. We're going to Grandma and Pop-Pop's house.

We call them Gammy and Pop-Pop. He says, you think that all the toys at Gammy's house are chocolate? I said, well, man, you know, it's up to you. He gets there. He says, Gammy, all the food's chocolate. All the fucking toys are chocolate. He's like, the whole time dude kids are hilarious what was i doing not having kids

i like when people choose not to have kids because of the carbon footprint and all that stuff and not everybody needs to be having kids but man if you would be a good dad or mom have kids because it's so awesome, man. Our kid loves wacky inflatables. We got a wacky inflatable tube man. I was with Adam W., internet TikTok YouTube star, and he did a set on my tour in Nashville. And my son was there. It was me and Calvin,

and he was showing Adam W. that he liked to do the Wacky Inflatable, and Adam was like, you know I have one of those. I'm like, huh? And he's like, dude, I have a warehouse full of shit because of my YouTube skits,

and I did one with Wacky Inflatable. I'm just going to send it to you. So he sent it to me, dude, and I surprised Calvin, or I guess he did surprise Calvin with this wacky inflatable thing. It's 35 feet in the air and we have it out on my front lawn

like we're selling Subarus. And it's just, and dude, Calvin loses his mind when this thing turns on he just keeps looking at saying what is it what is it so happy and that's what makes me happy because all i care about is my kids happiness and and also other things too that are ingrained in me ever since i was a kid that i yeah really hard to get i get. I want people to accept me. Yeah, dude.

Remember when I couldn't think of Veggie Grill? Dude, I wonder if I'm going to get dementia. I already feel it creeping in. I can't think of things like Veggie Grill. I can't ever remember that one dude's name who was the actor. I can't do it. I cannot remember this guy. There's an actor I'm thinking of right now. No matter how many times I think of him. I cannot remember this guy. There's an actor I'm thinking of right now.

No matter how many times I think of him, I cannot remember his name. He's famous. Dude. Great. You have one of these things in your brain? Your brain just doesn't think of them? I'm going to describe the guy,

and you're going to get it before I am. He's in Galaxy Quest. He's in The Green mile. He's in the three billboards of fucking whatever that thing is. Right. He he's, he's kind of different looking, but arguably got a thing going, you know, and not sexy quite, but like was nominated for an Oscar. I think for, I can never remember the guy's name dude you know who i'm talking about right you don't say it because i want to get it in real time this is how long it takes for me to get this guy's name all right so god i cannot believe my brain does dude Steve uh um uh uh uh he's in the thing with Tom Hanks he plays a convict you know what I'm talking about now right why can't I ever get this guy's name what is it about

that what do you think it is about that that I can't access that I can never think of this one guy's name it's only him Gregory Peck I think of him good that guy I can just do anyone right I can you say a guy there I say oh yeah okay it's a fucking rip torn I know him you know these are these guys are dead I haven't thought of these guys in years this guy I I think of all the time, I can't think of his fucking name. Steve... Uh... Sam. Sam. Rockwell.

Got it, dude! Hell yeah! That was the fastest I ever got it. That was the fastest I ever got it. And I've even thought... I've even thought... Um... It's the same name as my dog. Why? That's all I have to remember. And I still can't do it.

I forget that or something. Fuck yeah, dude. I need to take Gingo below. But dude, what is that? Do you have things like that? Leave it in the comments if you do. I can never fucking access that guy's name. So that's what makes me think i'm gonna have dementia which is fine like i said here before dementia is the

only disease that is probably you're chilling dude because other it's everyone else it's for everyone else that's that's the sadness oh dad doesn't know who he is um dad look and cut to dad just like this what's my name just absolutely fucking can you can still you know jerk off watch tv and you don't even have to be nice to people. Because they go like, oh, that's not really him anymore. Don't even worry about it. That's why he called you a raging c***. Bleep it out. But it's just like, oh, yeah, that's not him.

Hey, dude, I can't. I need to get. That's the one. People say, like, alcoholism is cool because you always get to be drunk and shit. And you're always partying. Dude, dementia, top-notch disease. Hey, bitch, get in here. You can just, you know what I mean?

Oh, it's not him. It's not the real him. He was much nicer when it was really him. For me, it'd be like he was a little nicer. You can just be racist if you want you know it's fine Tourette's is kind of cool too because you can just do that I think I actually have a little cousins of Tourette's Secrets If you have OCD you have a higher chance of having Tourette's Secrets

I recently talked about it with my psychiatrist And she agreed Secrets I have invisible tics you can't see them Secrets It's the realness, dude. What are we going to do? I've done 380 hours of this podcast.

What else am I going to talk about besides fucking, you know, the odd bodybuilding bit, and then a story about how I went to a strip club, and then, you know, the realness. He's got to touch on the realness. 380's crazy that I, you know, 380 hours of this

podcast, and you know, and still fucking going. We love you babies, dude. You guys keep us going, and if you're in the Patreon you babies, dude. You guys keep us going. And if you're in the Patreon, that's amazing. You guys keep it really going. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia.

Appreciate you guys. Thank you for the Patreons. Get tattooed by the Pennsylvania's best Andy Morrissey. Instagram Andy Morrissey 1990. Go to my page if you want to purchase a 10 word ad. Like that. Shout out kind of thing. It's.

Holler.baby.christalia. That's what it is. Yeah. So anyway. We're chilling dude. And I got new glasses. And I'm just fucking off to the races. I drive around and fucking... My life is good, dude.

Can't wait to get back on the road. Going to Detroit next. I like it. I like Detroit. I like Cleveland. I'm going to Cleveland. I like Cleveland. Even though most people in Cleveland

statistically are not smart because of the brain drain. You ever heard of that? The brain drain? Yep. It's a thing where when you get to be 20-something, the smart, affluent, intellectual people want to leave Cleveland.

And so there aren't people who further society in Cleveland. And then people will retire and go back to Cleveland. But there's a brain drain. And that's stats. Can't argue with that. But I personally love Cleveland. And I don't care what they say about you. I think it's bullshit.

I love Cleveland. You know what's fucking good in Cleveland? The food. but I personally love Cleveland and I don't care what they say about you. I think it's bullshit. I love Cleveland. I think, you know, what's fucking good in Cleveland, the food, the food's good in Cleveland. I think Cleveland is one of the most slept on cities that I've been to.

It's, it's got all the teams. You got football, baseball, hockey, red, you know, badminton,

all this shit. And, uh, I don't know. hockey red you know badminton all this shit and uh i don't know it still gets like a funny like fuck you if you say cleveland is shitty i spent many times the people are nice as fuck a lot of them are fat but whatever dude That's the Midwest, man. Let me click on this. This is TikTok. This is graphic. There we go.

Me. Me. Oh my god. The horse with the sparkly ass outfit. The whole thing's so stupid. The horse with the sparkly ass outfit. The whole thing's so stupid. With the guy with the American hat and fucking outfit holding the horse. Because the horse is kind of... No. No.

Dude. Oh, my God, dude. She's in a stretcher. What a cut, dude. The greatest cut. Wes Anderson directed it. Dude, how much does that song suck, you know? Like, let's just be real.

Update it. Dude, what is it called? The American National Anthem? Dude, hey. Get Nelly to redo it or something. It's so fucking bad. Oh, the pahons we, from the dawn's early light. People don't even know what it fucking,

they're saying when they sing it. First of all, it starts with Jose, can you see? Update it, dude. Get fucking, get chingy out there, dude. Can you see?

Dude, that song sucks. Get that guy who fucking says, what the hook gonna be? Uh-oh. Get that guy to redo it with Nelly and the fucking Saint Lunatics. And fucking Chingy. What's the fucking guy who does the hook gonna be?

The guy with the hook. What the hook gonna be is the song. Murphy Lee Dude I don't need No fucking hook on this beat Uh oh dude have that guy America up in her

Fucking bean Stocks and parking lots. We got fucking malls. We got outdoor malls. We got strip malls aplenty and fucking hoes that'll suck your dick and then complain about it afterwards about how you're shitty. That'll suck your dick and then complain about it afterwards about how you're shitty. We have men who never think about their feelings. We have hot red blooded Americans that shoot over as over ass.

Ha-in. Dude. High end. Dude. College kids always go, raw dog. Now they did it right. Dude. That would be fucking Oh so lit Just the fucking Seattle Mariners

Just like this Oh say The election was rigged And Biden lied people died nothing did hurt right

all the ramparts we whatever the fuck it is and the home of the just a big fucking loose fart anyway that song sucks updated come on nelly this fucking god like you know talk about i hope she's okay all honesty she got a stretcher but sometimes they if you're old and you just like slip and almost fall they'll call the stretcher on you because they don't want to take any chances especially because the fucking look at the idiot with the american cowboy hat and the fucking button down short sleeve shirt. All right. And then you've got a woman who's all sequenced out and a horse who's got no

business horsing. Right. And she's just, and the cut too. Oh, I hope she's okay. Wes Anderson fucking directed it 100%. So, well, got to send that to my friends on the text chat.

For sure, 100% doing it right now. Doing it on the podcast because I'm respectful like that, dude. Doing it on the podcast. She what? Why? Oh, no. She's trying to get the guy away from her? Like she's got it?

The guy probably fucking ruined it, honestly. He's probably why the horse... She's trying to get him away from her? Okay. Listen to it close? Yeah. Listen closely. close yeah listen closely did she say thank you oh thank you

did she did she say no thank you say- No thank you bro. Are you sure? Bro, that's it. That is it. That is so funny dude. No thank you. I love you. Oh thank you. No thank you. Fucking shit dude. And the rockets. No thank you. Red flag. Just. She's horizontal.

Dude, the fucking. Why did I think there was a truck backing up noise? Oh, dude. First of all, bad. Dude, she says... Here we go, here we go. She says... She says... No, thank you, dude.

No, thank you, dude. Bro, this is one of the funniest videos I've ever seen in my life. Oh my God. She says, no, thank you, dude. And the horse is watching it later, watching her. Like I did that. Oh that oh fuck that's great happy birthday to john ryan follow him on instagram john ryan is dead j-o-n uh go to my page if you want to purchase a 10 word ad uh holler dot baby slash crystalia you um

let's look at this one people getting pissed oh i love this one pinky hi this is pinky he's in 30 again hold on go this is pinky he's a male but hold on cat domestic short hair he's available for adoption he's pet of the week the one i love about this one is that he tries to hold on to it so long when he should just let it go. Like, that's typical male shit. Like, if it was a woman, she would just let go, and the cat would run away. And men are not good at this shit. Very loving cat.

Up, up, up. Hang on to it, please. Go here. Pinky. Pinky. Let her go. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

We got a wild cat on our hands. Pinky, settle down, bud. Oh, boy. Careful, Cole. Let her go. Oh, boy. Oh, an idiot with the... Never mind, women. The women's not good with the box, you know? Catch me. Just set it over. Look, look, just set it over. Catch how far we get him?

Yeah, because I'm not going to grab you. Looked like he cut it open. I love excuse my language what did the guy say oh dude that guy I'd punch that guy sky high he got you in the back that's so annoying dude shut the fuck up let me just get mad at the cat scratching my fucking taint catch you in the back my favorite cat attack Let me just get mad at the cat scratching my fucking taint.

Catching it back. My favorite cat attack ever, though? Let me try to look it up. This is my favorite one ever. Props to whoever shot this one. Christmas present open cat attack neck. Fuck yeah, here it is, dude. Man is attacked by cat while opening up his Christmas gift.

First of all, this guy's 30, okay? And flipping out like a fucking asshole about getting a video game? He got uncharted. Such a dork. Now watch this. Dude, the cat... Wow, the cat just took him to task. He did not like that.

The cat hates uncharted. That's great, dude. Alright, thanks for chilling with us on this podcast patreon.com slash chris delia if you want the rest of the episode and also if you want all of the we've got two three years of

two years of extra episodes on the patreon I gotta be like 30 something that are not available to the public so go on over there for just six bucks you get 30 hours of podcasts uh and all the uncut ones we appreciate you and thank you very much Thank you.