Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 343. The Edgelord

Episode Date: October 19, 2023

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Runk. Detroit, Michigan, October 21st. And then I'll be in Long Beach, California, November 2nd at the Laugh Factory. They're doing one night there. Orlando, Florida, Fort Myers, Richmond, Virginia, Baltimore, Maryland, and Trenton, New Jersey. Got a bunch of different spots I'm doing. Go to chrislea.com to get tickets. And also go cop that merch. We got merch up in the—man, I was just wearing the—actually, I was just wearing the Don't Push Me shirt today. It was long sleeves. And it's about 85 degrees in Los Angeles. So I had to take it off

and just bear my chest out there and just look crazy into it. Um, but yeah, it was, uh, it was crazy in the parking lot. I had to, I had to take off my shirt, uh, and, and, and just go crazy bare chest and then put on that. Don't push me over my chest. And just everybody knew I meant business. And then also, uh, we got the life rips decals for the cars and, uh, the pockets stay deep, uh, hoodie, uh, for the winter. And then also, um, the, uh, the winter wear, which is the, um, the flannels that join the cult flannels and the grower dye hoodies. Oh, it looks so ridiculously amazing. And then the Life Rips favorites and the new colorways. Go to chrysalia.com. And besides that, let's get into it.

This is everyone's favorite podcast on religion. Congratulations. Honestly, this is how it looks now. I feel like I didn't, so I don't have the headphones on. And the reason is because I just got out of the shower because I wanted to clean up nice for you guys. And I, you know, I wash my hair because I do that. I know that people think I don't wash my hair because I look greasy. And that's not my problem. That's my fault.

It's my problem, but not my fault. I don't look greasy. I don't, that's not my problem. That's my fault. It's my problem, but not my fault. I don't look greasy. I'm not greasy. Every woman I've ever been with, anybody who's ever been close to me, they would be like, oh, you know what? You actually smell terrific and you're really clean. A lot of people think I'm greasy, though, because I have this look.

And that's fine, dude. I get it. I have like a salt and pepper beard and my hair looks wet because I put pomade in it. By the way, dorks. People are like, oh, he's got... Dude, I'm just cool with the pomade, man. Think of the Fonz, right? That's kind of how I am. So anyway, starting off real defensive.

So I don't have these on, right, because my hair is drying and it's wet. And this is how I look when I get out of the shower. And I feel like I wish I kind of just remained looking like this. But my hair gets a little bit puffed forward sometimes like a German at the end of the movie. Like at the end of a James Bond movie. Like he's fighting and going down in a fucking big plane with James Bond in it. And he's just like, we will both die, I guess, Mr. Bond. And with the poofed up hair because it's not perfect because they've been fighting,

and then 007 jumps out with a parachute. Planet, planet, planet. And then the German dies in the plane. Planet, planet, planet. Is that James Bond or is that Mission Impossible? I always mix them up. Whatever. I did James Bond. Hell that Mission Impossible? I always mix them up. Whatever. I did James Bond.

Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. He knows what's up. Yeah. There's been a lot going on in the world. A lot of people want response. I'm going to put these on, actually. A lot of people want responses and stuff and declarations and not declarations, but who do you stand with?

And it's just like, dude, I don't, I'm a comedian. I'm such an idiot. I just like, let me just be silly. How about that? Come to me for relief. I know nothing about what's going on, period. Only thing I really know about

are like, you know, pants and chicks. And my life, my life, my life, my life, my life. Ducking once, huh? And I don't even read the news, dude. I'm on this new thing where I just don't read the news. And new, it's been the past few hours. I mean, few years, hours, well. I don't read the news, dude.

It just makes me sad. And so now I'm not sad. But there's certain things you can't avoid, right, even if you don't read the news. Like, by the way, I – oh, well, actually, no. I don't know if this is something you can avoid or not. But Michael Caine retired. He retired from – he finally, he finally said, I won't do it.

He finally said it. A script came at the, I wonder what script just made him be like, all right, nevermind. Or if it was not even, if it was a movie set and he just goes like this, can't do it anymore. Imagine you're, the set you're on is the last one Michael Caine's on. And have him be like, you know that a little bit it's your fault he retired.

I know he's 90 and he should have retired already. Not that he should have retired because he's not good. He's still great. But he literally is, the last movie he did is the last movie he did. And that was the set that you were on as a director or whatever, a gaffer, other actors. That was the experience. The guy will not turn down anything, dude. The guy won't turn down for what?

And that last set he's on he just goes like this you know what i'm not doing it anymore no no no i won't do it anymore and he had like one last bagel from craft service and he just goes like this this is the lost time he's 90 dude it's crazy how long he's been 92 as well it's been at least i and i don't mean he's because he's always looked older but he's been 90 for at least seven years it's crazy like you know when you see somebody finally and you're like, oh, fuck, they got old. Like Keanu Reeves in the Bill and Ted's movie. Like it wasn't, like John Wick, he still looked dope. And then he shaved the beard, did Bill and Ted's, and you go like this. Oh, fuck. Right?

Some people just keep looking fantastic. Like Hugh Jackman. The guy dropped his wife and just looks better, dude. It's crazy. It's crazy it's crazy dude Hugh Jackman goes like this yeah I want a divorce and then it is his face cleared up uh heart goes out to Hugh Jackman and his wife or whatever because I I fucking love him man I hope he's doing well and he just posted more on Instagram just being all single and shit him, man. I hope he's doing well. And he just posted more on Instagram, just being all single and shit. Hugh Jackman, man. Guy looks fantastic. It's fucked up how good he looks. He gets better looking. Some people just, they age very, very well, you know? I got bags under my eyes, but still.

I go to the gym, I fucking kill it, man. Sweating like a madman. um but yeah dude uh what do you call it hugh jackman looks amazing there was paparazzi dude there were paparazzi there was paparazzi video of hugh jackman the other day on instagram and i'm not bullshitting i watched it six times in a row i'm not even bullshitting and i'm just just admitting that right now. Like, I didn't even realize I did that till now. Six times in a row. He's, how's it going? And it was like, hey, Mr. Jackman. How you doing? I'm doing all right.

It's not, it's that TRT maybe. I don't know. I was Googling TRT the other day. And my wife came and looked over my shoulder and she was like, no. And I say, I'm not, I'm not saying I'm getting it. I'm just saying you want, you know, you want, I'm 43, right? I'm still young. I'm still crazy young.

Right. But you want me still, you want me stat, you want, you know what I'm saying? Like Hugh Jackman's what he's 50 something. You want me still, you want me stacked, you know what I'm saying, like Hugh Jackman's what, he's 50 something, you want me stacked, you want me crazy with the shoulders that go on for days, put a week on it, what you want dude, you want it to look like I'm always, I got a backpack on, what do you want, what's going on, right, you want to look like I got a vest on under my shirt, like what's the deal, because this goes away, the testosterone. TRT, you keep doubling it. You're looking great, dude.

I need to get on that TRT and just fucking... Now, you know what? I need to get on steroids for real. I know I've said this before, but just crazy with the mid... Just a crazy gap in between my teeth to where when I talk, you see my tongue flick out of it like I'm a lizard. Just crazy with the mid, just a crazy gap in between my teeth. To where when I talk, you see my tongue flick out of it like I'm a lizard. Like Michael Strahan, like the white Michael Strahan.

Just big shoulders. It's such, the gap between my teeth is so big you could buy a cable knit sweater in it. Like that's how big it is. Just so insanely, just goofed out just the the right tooth don't want nothing to do with the left tooth dude you know i'm talking about that would be just gangster to just start doing steroids now my wife won't let me she says no you'll get too horny i go i go all right if that's what you all right then with the shoulders suffer

and so does the boinkin right i got a buddy who's like man had a chick over last night had sex with her hour and a half and i I tell him, she doesn't want that, dude. And he says, no, not the way I do it. Like he viciously believes that he's right. And you know the girl is just the whole time just like in her head, just like, my God, this is long. But she's still got to be like, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, you know?

And he's just working away. She doesn't want it. He probably doesn't even want it either, you know and he's just working away she doesn't want it he probably doesn't even want it either you know he's just like sweating so hard on his couch in his one bedroom dude and out we had and he'll still tell me this i've for years i've been telling him dude she does they don't want that an hour dude you're exhausted at the end of it i know we've talked about this early early on in the congratulations archives the top time to have sex is 12 minutes dude that's the top amount of time the peak most enjoyable shits or less sometimes 12 is too long bus in six and a half sometimes 12 is too long bus and six and a half it's just crazy dude dudes think like nah man i'm gonna turn her out my favorite other guys that

like you know this has happened where they're just like dude i'm gonna fuck like my favorite is a guy that like thinking you know how like everything's happened in the world everything in the world has happened because it's just like been around for so long like they're like i love thinking about a guy being like baby i'm gonna fuck you all night and she's like okay and he's like hell yeah all night here we go and just slides in and just just can't even hold it at all and just absolutely explodes immediately oh sweet, sweet. I'm going to fuck you all night. Oh, yeah. Yep.

Here we go. Oh, God. And he impregnates her and it's just a fucking the worst life later. You know, they don't even like each other. Yeah. How's that for fucking all night, huh? Give me a heads up next time you splurted inside. And now we've got a kid that won't talk to me.

And I hate you. All from a dude just thinking he's going to rock it. Oh, dude, I'm going to rock it. When I have sex, I rock it, dude. Not me. I'm not good at it. Not me. I'm not good at it at all.

But that's what makes me good at it. You can't care too much, dude. You truly can't. My buddy cares too much. And I just know he's not good. I know he's not good. Part of me wants to shift into a woman to see, just to see what it's like, right? Because I could have him do my butt, but not really though, because it's different, man. I'm not into it. But if I was a woman, I'd be into it. I really want to see what he's like. Dude, how dope would that be? If you were a woman, you could just test out some men without being gay. Just seeing what's up.

Just rank them. You know what? In the text chat, light it up. You know? I got a text chat with five dudes in there. They all think they're alphas. Dude, let me just shift into a lady and just absolutely lay down for all of them. And then come back as a man and rank them all.

Dude, the roast sessions would be insane. Do you know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah, you fucked for an hour. Dude, you should do it for two minutes. That's how bad it was. Do you know what I'm saying? Just like, I don't know. What do you think, women down there? I want to see the comments, even though I won't look. How long is the best amount for sex? to see the comments even though i won't look well how much how long is the best amount for sex argue with yourselves i say 12 minutes i say 7 to 12 minutes ah seven minutes kind of short honestly 12 minutes i say i've always said 12 minutes at 4 30 p.m with the fucking leaf blower going off in the background no music my wife goes like this can we ever start playing music when we have sex

and i go like i say if you want like we want to play the weekend or some shit you know no music. My wife goes like this, can we ever start playing music when we have sex? And I go like, I say, if you want, like, what do you want to play, The Weeknd or some shit? You know? What do you play? The Weeknd?

Like, what do you play when you fuck? What are you supposed to do? Put on Phil Collins? One more night. One more night. One more night. Ooh. night and then one more night oh that's a problem though if you got the ipod shuffle or whatever on and then you play it and it's just like one more night and then fucking lean back comes on and you're like

all right the whole mood changed never mind or someakiss starts, you know. Or even worse, like the fucking comedy album from Mitch Fatale that you downloaded in 2008. But yeah, dude. It's just, I don't know, man. Stop trying so hard. I guess. But Michael Caine's retired is what I'm trying to say. A lot of stuff going on with famous people. Jason Momoa dressed like Johnny Depp. Apparently,

what's her name? The crazy one? Amber Heard said that she was suffering from PTSD because because Jason Momoa purposely dressed up as Johnny Depp to play a prank on her in Aquaman, whatever movie it is. And it's like, oh, by the way, I found out in Aquaman, there's a baby in it, like they have a baby, and the name is Aquababy. Hey, try harder. You know? Aquababy. name is Aqua Baby, hey, try harder, you know, Aqua Baby, but Momoa was dressing, she was like, he's dressing up like Johnny Depp too much as a prank, and it was her PTSD, her fake PTSD,

because obviously she's lying, but hey, how about this, dude? Hey, here's why that's bullshit. You ever seen Jason Momoa? Dude, he looks like he shares a closet with Johnny Depp. He dresses like Johnny Depp. If Jason Momoa dressed like Johnny Depp, this is what everyone else thinks. Oh shit, it's Jason Momoa. He, he dresses the same. They both have long hair, they wear dumb hats, and like a stupid fucking outfit that's like too beige or some shit, with no shirt underneath, and 48 bracelets, what do you mean, that's like being like, oh dude, you know, Chris D'Elia dresses like fucking, I don't know, that's being like, Jeremy Renner dresses like fucking I don't know that's being like Jeremy Renner dresses like fucking Oliver Hudson what the fuck why is he doing that

they just wear shirts and jeans dude Jason Momoa looks like Johnny Depp got a tan and put the mask on that Jim Carrey one smoke him he just looks like a tan and put the mask on. The Jim Carrey one. Smoke him.

He just was like a beefed up Johnny Depp on vacation. What are you talking about? He dressed like Johnny Depp. That's so insane, dude. And everyone has to be like, oh, okay, you're PTSD. Oh, man. What were you at, war? Whatever.

Anybody who wears hats, really, just too many hats, anything besides a baseball hat, I don't give a shit. Anything besides a baseball hat. You're just, you're trying. trying fedora bowler's hat anything that that fucking uh football player wears cam newton the high ass hat looks like it has a cake in it um so anyway i'm team uh mamoa dude i remember my mom used to start she she never drank really until like we got,

we're like in our 20s. She just started drinking mimosas, dude. I love how it was just too much for her. It was too much. Like when a mimosa came out, dude, when the mimosas started getting fucking out there, oh, are you kidding? Just housewives, they go like this.

What's in it? Oh my, leaves? Or this. What's in it? Oh, my. Leaves? Or whatever the fuck's in it, you know? Oh, it looks like dirty dishwater with fucking parsley in it? Ooh. Yeah, mimosas. That's what they look like.

Oh, that's what my mom did it. That's how my mom had it. I mean, look. Mimosa. She put the shit in it. Mimosa. I'm not talking about mimosa. What am I talking about?

Mojito. That's what it is, dude. Even better, dude. Mojitos. Oh, shit, dude. Wow, wow, wow. that made me, oh, mojitos, dude, my mom saw a mojito, and she goes, wait a minute, just so much shit in it, looks like fucking dishwater, just fucking strawberries and parsley in it, just something my son would make, and be like, dad, I made a potion, And old housewives were just like, ooh. Just like, dude, here's what a mojito looks like.

Strawberries, parsley, and then Dawn dish soap dipped in. Just disgusting. Hey, it's dirty. Send it back. Just a full lime in it. Just a whole bundle of grapes just in it. You know? Not taken off.

The stems in it. Ah,? Not taking off. The stems in it. Ah, move this shit out of the way. Mojitos, dude. My mom would be like, I love mojitos. They're just too refreshing. Dude, she couldn't help it. She didn't drink forever and she saw a mojito and fucking caved, bro. What's in a mojito? Let's look.

Isn't that crazy that some food is so good and compliments each other but then you can't make a fucking like i was eating great mexican food the other night just really good it's called joselitos which sounds like a fake made up amalgamation of a mexican name but it was in la canada and it's called joselitos and it was so good dude rice and beans that's it for you just chicken enchiladas that's it for you just and beans, that's it for you. Just chicken enchiladas, that's it for you. Just beef burritos, that's it for you. Chicken tacos with the guacamole on it, that's it for you, dude.

I loved it, man. But I also love chocolate, and you can't put that on there, you know? Shout out to the chefs that fucking figured out what compliments each other, honestly. Really. Being real. Because, my boy, let me tell you something. I got, I ordered from Amazon, Lulu Gonzalez, the person who features for me on the road, fantastic comedian. She told me about protein pancakes. And I go like this. I'm not a guy who's like big on like,

Hey dude, got to eat protein, you know? But she's like, get protein pancakes. They're really good. And I say, how good could they be? So I go on Amazon. What the fuck? What the hell I got to lose? I look up protein pancakes. I get protein pancakes. I get a box of protein pancakes. It's however much it is. I don't know how much it is. I don't look at price. And then it shows up the next day. Oops, got six boxes. So I have so many fucking Kodiak Bear protein pancakes. I made them this morning for me and Calvin. Dude, I fucking housed them up. By the way, breakfast is a scam. All good. Not talking about it. Done. Breakfast is a scam. You don't need to eat right away. Kellogg, he got us, didn't he? Oh, it just got me. Oh, the dip of that just got me. Kellogg made it up, dude, to sell cornflakes.

Good job, man. The hallmark of fucking meals. We don't need it. Hallmark that fucking shop. You go in and get cards. Hallmark holidays. Jesus. Hallmark run by Nazis. But just like anyway, what I'm saying is you don't need to eat breakfast. Eat, wake up. If you wake up, you're hungry, eat. But dude, you know how many times I've woken up hungry in my life? Let me tell you right now. I'm not lying.

Twice. Twice. One time when I was living in Burbank and once recently. Two different times. And I've been eating breakfast my whole life. That's a lie. Wake up, do what I... It takes so long to figure out what you want to do.

It really does. It takes so long to figure out what you want to do and who you are deep inside of you. Took me 40 fucking years, man. I was born to be a dad and don't want breakfast. Dude, and that's it. Is this boring? I don't give a fuck, man. Dude, and that's it. Is this boring? I don't give a fuck, man.

You know, it's my diary at this point. I love you guys for listening, man, for real. Oh, God. Oh, how about to fucking... Yo, let me ask a question, man. Jada Pinkett, sup? Hey, Jada Pinkett, sup? Hey, hey, hey, Will Smith, by the way, worked with you both, met Jada once, met Will Smith maybe twice. Dude, what's going on? Hey, about this stop talking right it only gets worse

will smith does anybody see a picture of will smith now i go oh yeah yeah that slap changed in that man's life. When he smacked Chris Rock, it fucked everything up. And then Jada Pinkett on her book tour, why is she writing a book? You got hot males. Dude, I don't get the mindset more, more, more, more, more. I do when it comes to sex. Whoopsie daisy when I was 38. Whoopsie. Okay. But I don't get the more, more, more. I want more, more, more. I need to get, I want to write a book. Who writes a book? Dude, here's who should write a book, a book writer, a writer, writing writers. They must lose their fucking minds. They must lose their minds when actors are like, you know what?

It's time to tell my story. No, it's not. I mean, I guess it is if you have a big enough fan base. Make that money. And I'm joking. This is a comedy podcast. But holy fucking shit, dude. Why?

For what? For what? Five million dollars? You got it. For what? 10 milli? You got it. You could take chopper rides to the grocery store.

You got it. You're done. For what? You'll never catch me writing a book unless it's a silly creative one. You'll never catch me writing a book unless it's a silly creative one. You'll never catch me. An auto? By the way,

you didn't even write. Someone else did. Some white, older Jewish guy wrote it. You know? Just stop talking. Stop the red table nonsense. Just, you know just it's too lucrative i don't actually mean stop but it's like the shit you say it's all coming back now and jade is just like i i haven't even been married to will smith for seven years just saying shit tupac shakur was my soulmate I mean what

dude imagine Kristen said someone else was their soulmate I'd go like this picture me Kristen said someone else was her soulmate I'm the fucking white blonde dude in the meme I'm that old dude that's like this who's that old dude that's like this. Who's that old dude?

That Swedish dude? The fucking really big meme? Oh, I can't even... I don't know. You think you have more than one soulmate, though? Maybe. Maybe you have more than one soulmate. Who knows?

There's no such thing as a soulmate, right? Anyway. But yeah. Dude. I just keep... they just keep digging dude and i bet they're good people too you know i bet they're good people they're so sweet uh uh jayden is the sweetest motherfucker i bet they're all really good people man and we don't know and we're all just like oh yeah the people talking about how this is what happens when you marry a you know you don't know but uh crazy how uh how that happens just one slap they're gonna make a documentary you

know they're gonna make a documentary about that they They're going to call it The Slap. And it's going to come out next year. And it's going to be like just crazy in depth. And I won't watch it. I mean, there's no way in fucking hell I'll watch it. Although I didn't think I'd watch that Beckham one. And my wife was watching. And she's like, I just knew that this was going to happen, dude. So here's the deal.

I'm in the upstairs room and I just hear, and I'm like, oh, dude. So here's the deal. I'm in the upstairs room and I just hear, and I'm like, oh no. I'm too smart to know she's not. Well, I know she's not watching Arsenal. I know she's not watching soccer games. I don't know if it's soccer season or not, but I know she's not watching soccer games. I know she's not. Number one, because she doesn't watch soccer games. And number two, because it's not 3 a.m., right? Because that's when soccer games are on. It was in the afternoon. So I go like this's watching that goddamn david beckham documentary isn't she i walk down sure enough there that handsome motherfucker is and that's when i'm married i would draw up six hours just to hang out with her for 10 minutes and six hours back just so in

love with posh spice or whatever her name was and now i gotta got to fucking, you know. By the way, Beckham is ruining it for every other dude out there. The guy's a billionaire, and he's literally on camera being like, yeah, we'll drive like four hours to see you for like 20 minutes and then drive back. And then I go on to play our rivals. I go on to play Argentina. And here I am, just some guy that's like, oh, I'm tired from my shows.

Will you please let me sleep in? David Beckham's like, any chance I get, I'd like to see my wife. It doesn't matter. I don't even sleep. I have those little Cluckwick Orange fucking things that keep my eyes open. You remember when they were watching

all those fucking visions of the world blowing up? Remember when they did tests on them? I sleep with those open and just sit in a chair and keep my eyes open. You remember when they were watching all those fucking visions of the world blowing up? Remember when they did tests on them? I'll sleep with those open and just sit in a chair and watch my wife sleep. And I'm like at fucking 10.30 Can I sleep more? I had two shows last night in Covina. Oh, he chartered a jet to have lunch with her. I know he's rich, right?

But like Yeah, well, I just can't get a fucking jet. Come down, have a little fucking water, ain't no floor back in New York, huh? You know what I mean? Making us all look bad and handsome as shit. The dude's a 10 walking around in whatever

clothes he wants. He used to wear a sarong. Just killing it. Guy gets better looking too. For fuck's whatever dude me too but it's crazy so i'm like oh she's watching the fucking god damn it dude now i gotta watch it here's the other thing about it i know i know i'm gonna like it i don't want to watch something that i'm gonna like you know what i'm saying i don't want to watch something that I'm going to like. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to get into something that I, that is about something that I don't care about. Why can't I just not care about something and not change that? Right? Oh, you're going to make me watch an in-depth documentary about David Beckham, someone that I don't care about doing a job that I don't care about. And now I'm all involved watching it. Like, did somebody make

popcorn? What are we doing? Let's nosh. I'm listening to David Beckham's coach. Like, Oh, he's got a good point. Like, I don't give a fuck, but now I do. Oh, see, they're treating him unfairly. Like, I'm doing that kind of shit watching the thing. And then I had to go. I had to drive to Covina to do my shows, right? All sold out, they love the kid, whatever. Then I fucking, dude, now I got to wake up the next morning

and she's like, I'll watch it again. You got to watch the end part. You're going to love it. And I, and I know I am, but I don't want to dude. You know what I'm saying?

Just let me be a curmudgeon dude. Let me be a sleepy curmudgeon. I like coffee. I like making jokes and driving to know music. Those are the three things I like. So it's like, she's like, her friends were so loyal and you would love that. I would. I would.

She's right. I would, dude. Apparently when the world was hating on him, dude, he couldn't go out without getting fucking accosted. Apparently his friends were still in his corner and she said, I would love it. And she's right. I would. I would. Fucking David Beckham, man. You got a fan in me, dude, but you're making it hard for everyone else who's married. So stop talking about how much you love your wife and you drive fucking hours to her to see her for 20 minutes. Anyway, Scream Gigi by Cheer Up. This is not an ad.

Go to my page if you want to purchase a 10-word ad or shout out holler.baby.com. If you're a nurse in Connecticut, come work for the best agency. Visit www.promedstaffct.com to apply. Go to my page if you want to purchase a 10-word ad or shout out holler. CT.com to apply. Go to my page if you want to purchase a 10-word ad or shout out. Holler.baby slash Chris D'Elia. Yeah, I got good nurses or something in Connecticut or whatever. In that shithole, Connecticut.

Dude, Connecticut. The audiences. The audiences are such a mix of fucked up because they're the highfalutin rich people and then the drunk ass blue collar motherfuckers when you play for them they either think oh we deserve this or they're fucking rowdy and gotta kick them out what is this uh oh my god biden campaign joins truth social well let's see how this goes converts welcome crazy 8 385 likes, you know? Nobody's going to like it.

Wow, I wonder what people said under it. Truth Social is... What's Trump's Twitter, right? Yeah. Dial pad has completely transformed... That's too loud. And it's also annoying that it's a fucking ad, god damn it. Why do I always have to sign in?

This is the bane of my existence, dude. I always have to sign in. Lady kills it. What's this outfit that ladies wear, you know? What's she holding? A fucking twisty tusk? mastodon touch oh so pennsylvania this whole thing this is if you found the middle of pennsylvania like if you found if you mathematically found the middle of pennsy this is it. Right here.

This lady standing there with a mastodon tusk and this outfit that all fucking counselors in high school wear. Second time exclusive here at Goddard Park. Oh, the lady in the back. Missy's funky

white sister is in the park! In the park in the park dude no nonsense at all let me work it i put my thing now flip it and reverse it he's sure if you got a big, let me search you. If you got a big, let me search you. Dude, so no nonsense, dude. This is unbelievable, man. Holy shit.

The short hair and the fucking muumuu, you know, just killing it. Find out how hard I gotta work you. He's chirping and the puss wing yip. He's chirping and the puss wing yip. just killing it. Dude, imagine like making love with this woman. Just, oh, oh, oh. It would be like that the whole time. Oh, beat the pussy up, she said.

60, huh? Let me ask you a question you why is everybody at the park not losing their shit they're just like having a picnic and stuff just like yeah so anyway i talked to jake the other day did you hear yeah no so he's gonna be out of commission for a while he broke he broke he broke his foot yeah yeah so in the meantime you got fucking you know a principal, it's Nerf if it nip and yaff, yash. On the bed, lay me on your sofa. Call before you come and need to sing a tocha.

You do or you don't or you will or won't cha. Oh, getting loose with it. I'm dominated like a vulture. See my hips and my chips, don't cha. See my ass and my lips, don't cha. I lost a few pounds in my whips for ya. This kind of beat that go rat-ta-ta. Rat-ta-ta-ta.

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. You sexy, but I say blah, blah, blah. Work it? I need a glass of water. Boy, oh boy, it's good to know y'all. Is it working? Let me work it. Pull my thing now, flip it, and reverse it.

Dude. Incredible. Incredible. Oh. and reverses dude incredible incredible oh i i i i i just saw a thing i gotta click on sorry guys just nothing i would like nothing i would like more than this so sorry guys but bodybuilder shocked by rapping uber driver sorry guys come on get to it bored um so uh i don't like when people rap that aren't from the streets sorry there i said it i do no take that back it's fine but don't be like hey hey dude hey, but don't be like, Ay, ay, dude, ay, yeah. Don't be like that, dude.

It's okay if you rap, but do it like that lady did, you know? But don't be like, Ah, yeah, okay, yeah, yeah. Oh, God, that's cringe, dude. When you're just a guy, you know? How about when Drake did this, though? How about when Drake did this, though? How about when Drake did this? Hold on. Let me get it. Let me get it. Let me get it. Let me get it. I don't know. Let me get it. Yeah, dude. So Jamaican.

We love it, dude. Combination. That's crazy, dude. Let's say it again. I got it on my phone, I think. Or my computer, I think. Combination. Oh, dude.

Combination. How come people just let him get away with it he's so good though he's just so good jada pinkett says that tupac was his her soulmate that's crazy i mean i mean will smith must just be like so mad i saw the funniest meme though. It was like, what was it? Jada Pinkett with Tupac. Now that, um, now that Will Smith left and it just showed up, it was, it was a lady in bed and she, her mouth was open and it was like this. It was so stupid. Why would Jada Pinkett say

they were living completely separate lives since 2016 when she talked to, when she did the interview? Pinkett Smith was asked about Shakur who died after being gunned down in 1996 being her soulmate. She agreed and discussed this strong connection.

Maybe Will Smith is, I don't know. We don't know. Let's stop. Let's just stop. The Dylan Danis and Logan Paul fight happened, and it was crazy. The entertainment boxing is wild. I think, first of all, those Paul brothers are good. They really are taking it seriously, and they're really good.

You can't – look, I'm not a boxer. I don't know the technical shit about it all, and I've been doing it for a few years now, but they train really hard. They obviously have the best people involved helping to have them train because they have the money. They certainly have the money they certainly have the money but like that whole thing was making me so sad up until the fight because they the the her the nina is it gadal nina something was dragged into it and you know she's probably sweeter than shit i don't know her at all but um man that that was a wild thing. Are they going to sue him? Are they going to? They said they might sue him.

Schaub says there's no suing in boxing, but I don't know, or in fighting, but I don't know. They might do it. Check this out. I got this page. Go to my page if you want to purchase a 10-word ad or shout out, holler.baby slash Chris D'Elia, and this is a good one. If you like chubby ebony women www.onlyfans.com molly the worker if you like chubby ebony women hell yeah dude that deserves one of these where is it where is it great pissed where is it here it is it's always too low dude there we go

hell yeah dude um i'm back went to went to go to the bathroom sorry by the way how often do you guys go to the bathroom i go to the bathroom once every hour and a half is that too much do i have a problem how many times you're supposed to pee a day if you're a man? How many times urinate a day is normal? Is it different for a man or what? Six and seven times. Most people, the normal number of times to urinate per day is between six and seven in a 24-hour period. Between four and 10 times a day can also be normal. If that person is healthy and happy with the number of times. So 10, okay. I guess I'd probably

do that. I have to count. Is it normal to urinate every two hours? This is about women. Hold on. How many times do men urinate a day? Okay. Okay. Every two hours for men. For the most part, six to eight times is the sweet spot. And a day, six times? No way, dude. I drink too much coffee.

That's probably the thing. Coffee and water. That's it. That's probably the thing. Coffee and water. That's it. That's all I drink. Top reasons you're peeing so much. Here we go. Sorry, guys. I really want to look at this here. If you're hitting the bathroom every hour or so, your bladder might be trying to taste something. Okay, here we go. More than once a night. I don't do it more than once a night, so that's good. Oh, you have to pay for this article. Oh, eat my asshole. Absolutely eat my asshole.

Never mind. Dude, paying for news is crazy. It's, I mean, I guess that's not really news. That's just an article that What's It Called did. So, all good. Goated, Riz, Bussin, Simp, and more

added to the Webster Dictionary. Finally, dude. Riz just Bussin, Simp, and more added to the Webster dictionary. Finally, dude. Riz just came out. How did they... Bussin been around, Simp been around, Goated been around. Riz, I feel like, is like, I just heard it. They really worked on...

Riz was the one where they were like, okay, I guess we got to update it. There's too many. Riz came... One more and we update it and it's Riz. I can't believe though they really got the Merriam Webster really got the corner market on that fucking dictionary you know

you can get a different one but I mean it's just the same word so I guess it doesn't matter 690 new words have been added to the wow dude Riz Goated Bussin Simp let's see what else It's just the same word, so I guess it doesn't matter. 690 new words have been added to the whip. Wow, dude. Riz, goaded, bussing, simp. Let's see what else. Easy.

Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, a lot of them are digital words because obviously that is growing. Oh, wow. They added nerf, cutscene, rage quit. And thirst trap, grammable, ew. And edgelord. What is edgelord?

Let me look it up. It's like a what? I'm looking it up. Edgelord. A person who affects a provocative or extreme persona especially online typically used of a man edge lords act like contrarians in the hope that everyone will admire them as rebels oh like a lord of the edge i thought it was like when somebody's like trying to like make you come after like hours and hours just teasing you i'm the edge lord i'll make you want to come for over six hours. I'm the edgelord. Where is thou frenulum gland? Where is thou? Where is thou frenulum gland? Let's see it. Belly up. Hey,

edgelorden. What are you doing, edgelorden? Oh, my edgelord, dude. Signs of a healthy language include words being created Words being borrowed from other languages And new meanings being given to the existing words That's what somebody said here In a quote on Hypebeast Yeah well I guess they're going to have to go into a Does anyone have a dictionary?

Or do they just look it up? I never used a dictionary in my life remember when fucking your mom would be like if you don't know how to spell it look it up in the dictionary and it's like i don't know how to fucking spell it how do i look it up i need to know how to spell it to fucking look it up but you know the first letter and then you go to the second letter and it's it's quite annoying though because they got you you know does lenny kravitz is taking us to the stratosphere here lenny kravitz shows off his huge guitar and thirst heavy so lenny

kravitz the worst actor is uh and i say that only because he's in the movie fucking i always forget the name mocking jay what is it what is it hunger games uh the actor musician looks mind-blowingly hot for 59 years of age dude it's crazy he's 60 the guy's got a fucking six pack and he's 60 they're probably airbrushing it a little bit but this week kravitz announced 12 studio album blue electric light with release date set for 2004 okay so god he's 60 bro a full head of beautiful hair remember when his cock fell out when he was doing the fucking when he did splits and his cock fell out um so this is the new music video for him oh yeah right here does he have i guess we can't play this song but i'll go on I'll go on. What do you call it? Mute.

But he has a big-ass guitar, and I'm going out on a ledge here. It's symbolic of his penis. Am I right or what? Here we go. He's waking up in bed. Dude, he's 69? This is crazy. What does he eat?

Just live chickens. That is crazy. What does he eat? Just live chickens. That's crazy. Dude, have your dick out. I want it to have everything, dude. Bro, it's unfair how good black people look when they get older. It's crazy. There's his butt. Why wouldn't he do this?

Good for him, man. My God. This is like... He's got to be so annoying, right? Dude, he's ripped. What's going on, Jesus? This guy's a dream guy. Dude, 59, bro?

This is crazy, dude. I'm 43 and I look like dog shit compared to this guy. My God. I got to get my fucking shit up, dude. I got to start eating better. That's what I got to do. I still eat good, dude. I ate a fucking last night.

I cracked, didn't I? I did. My parents got Mexican food and I cracked. Is there any good for you Mexican food or is it all just mixed up shit one way or another? Rice, beans, fucking guacamole. It's all the same shit. Tacos, nachos, burritos. It's all the same. There's no good for you Mexican foods. nachos burritos it's all the same there's no good for you mexican foods um but yeah dude i gotta eat i gotta eat good except for the fact that man it's hard you know when the pretzels are around and the cookies they they're around dude ah fuck god damn it the cookies are around and i ate them and that's such a beautiful thing to say. But I really did. If they're around, I'll be eating them because that's what happens when

they're around. You know what I'm talking about? You're chilling. You're watching a show. I watched It Follows again, which, by the way, I think it might be a masterpiece. I watched It Follows. That's a fucking horror movie about when you fuck someone and then the person tries to follow you very slowly until they get you and kill you. And you got to fuck someone else to break the curse to make sure they get there. They get they get killed. And then if they get killed, then it goes back to you. So it's like you got to keep fucking really was what it is.

I'm very into the movie. I like I like fucking and I like fucking and I like horror. So really, it's great. So it's great for me. So I watched the movie. By the way, I think it's a masterpiece. great so it's great for me so i watched the movie by the way i think it's a masterpiece and if you think that i watched that fucking movie and then didn't watch youtube videos about the movie you're absolutely insane the only way to watch a movie right now especially a horror movie is to

watch a movie and then go to youtube as soon as it's over you don't watch the credits you go you know and you click on youtube and you type in it follows explained or whatever it is and that's when you really understand why you like the movie because they explain it for you because I'm a fucking dumbass. That's why. I go, huh, that was a really good movie. And then they explain to me why the director did what they did and why it was written the way they did

and why the actors did what they did and why the shots are the way they were. And that's when I go, oh yeah, that's why. Thank you for telling me why I like this movie because I am a fucking follower and a plebeian. But dude, that movie was so good. And after I watched those explains it videos, oh my God, it got so much better.

It's so good. It's about growing up. It's about growing up and then being scared to death and not being able to, and losing the innocence of childhood. Oh dude, I didn't know it. He didn't know it until he watched it again and watched the explains it video.

But it's a great movie, though. It really is, man. And it's done so well. But then anyway, I ate. Dude, I was watching a guy on Instagram the other day. Gay. But I was. And I was looking at his body.

Gay. But I was. And it said what he eats. And I looked at what he eats on the fucking thing and it had everything he eats and then it goes like this. The guy was shredded and the guy goes like,

and the guy says, this is what I eat. Morning breakfast, like what in the week, one cheat meal, not day meal. And I go like this. Oh, nevermind.

I'll be a fat guy. One cheat meal. And I go like this. Oh, nevermind. I'll be a fat guy. One cheat meal. Fuck dude. This is a health and wellness podcast. What, what is that? What, what does he, what does he mean to, he means like sushi. Oh dude. To me that counts as a good for you meal. dude to me that counts as a good for you meal you know what a cheat meal is for me honestly here's what a cheat meal is for me pizza and then pasta and then ice cream and a cookie and then later on i eat also other junk food That's a cheat meal. I go like this. Well, I had a cheat meal. Ah, fuck it. I'll just go for it today and tomorrow I'll do better. You got to have your cheat meals late in the day. Otherwise, if you have a cheat meal at first in the morning, you go, ah, the whole day's screwed. Fuck it. I'll have a bunch of cheat meals. I have

a whole cheat day. I have a cheat week. Fuck it. I'll be a fat guy. God damn it, dude. bunch of cheap meals. I have a whole cheap day. I have a cheat week. Fuck it. I'll be a fat guy. God damn it, dude. Got to get them back of the love handles off in the back, dude. Got to get those love handles off in the back. But you know what I realized actually, because I was wearing the fucking underwears and then I was seeing like a little bit of this stuff peel off on the side, right? Like a muffin top. Like I'm, I'm fit. Like I'm not saying like, you know, but then I was really, I go like this. I look at the size of my underwear, I'm fit. Like, I'm not saying like, you know, but then I was really, I go like this. I look at the size of my underwear, dude, medium. Hey, medium. You know, last time I bought underwear, I'm being real with you over a decade ago, I've been wearing medium underwears. I'm six to I weigh 200 pounds.

I've been wearing medium up medium size underwear for over a decade. I've been wearing medium. Do you know how dude I'm six to my waist is 33. I'm fucking crazy big. Not to mention I got to fit my cock all in there. Medium dude. No wonder it looks like I got a muffin top. My waist is getting strangled. Sometimes when I get a bone dog, yeah, I got to put it up, right? I got to put it up. It looks like my penis is getting choked. It looks like my penis is just trying to look at what's for dinner. You know what I'm saying?

It looks like my penis. Oh, dude. I'm above the buckle, right? Put me down. I can't. It's too stiff. Okay, well, all right. Let's chill for a little bit.

Don't think it's. Let me shrivel up for a bit. Dude, I wear medium underwear. You know how dumb that is? I haven't bought new underwear. We were talking about in the group chat, because I got to get new underwear. Because I used to wear MeUndies,

but they're fucking cucks over there. So I still have them, but I didn't buy any. And so I didn't, so I don't, but medium. How long do you wait to buy new underwear till there's holes or till there, I haven't bought underwear in my underwear is probably disgusting. Granted, I've never shit in my underwear. I'm being for real with that. I'm being for real with that. Also, how many times you wipe your butt for no reason and there's shit in it

all good not me i'm just saying i know people who do that let's look at some deserving skills oh i'm not going to be able to do it oh yeah i am i am we got the doritos oh fuck that's this might be the best one we've ever had dude dude, with the Doritos, putting the Doritos in the thing, oh my god, dude, he puts it in the cup holder, then he takes the thing out under the cup holder, and then he can't get it out, oh, fuck, the way he says, oh, fuck.

Oh, it's just so good, dude. Wow, that's so great. Oh, shit, dude. Oh, fuck. Wait, I got to watch that again. Dude, look at how crafty he thinks he's being, too. What a fat fuck with the Dorito salsa, too. Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit, dude. That guy. Oh, fuck. He's Indian. No doubt he's Indian. That's great. Oh, that one's great. That's a 10.

The best one I've ever seen, I think. Got weightlifting. Not crazy amount of weight, that one's great. That's a 10. The best one I've ever seen, I think. Got weightlifting. Not crazy amount of weight, but oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. Why did he do it so quick? He's going to hurt himself. Dude, it's not even that. Oh, my God. It's not even that... How do you even...

I know. How do you even hit your dick with the barbell like that? Oh, my fucking nuts. Oh, fuck. Oh, my nuts. What? I mean... Launching a bucket.

Here we go. No, dude. It hit his head, dude. Come on. Dude, be faster, you fucking... Oh, be faster! So unathletic. So unathletic. So unathletic. Playing chicken.

That's a nine. That was a nine. Playing chicken at the end of a water slide. Oh, boy. Idiot. Oh, no. Another person, right? Oh, broke his fucking nose.

Ooh, I hate the guy that came down second. You know? Did you just watch it? Dude, that's too much of pain. Smooth with it in the first guy, though. Right in his fucking nose, dude. You don't have your eyes open? tried to oh he fucked him up bro oh his nose broke for sure his knee just went right in was that looked like a mortal combat uh

whatever wow that's a seven because it looked like I heard too bad. I don't like those kinds of things. All right. Thank you very much for listening. Patreon.com slash Crystalia. That's where you go to get the rest of the episode if you're done with it on YouTube. And also you can get the rest of the episodes that have been. We get once a month. We have an episode that's Patreon only. And you can go check it out there. There's like like backlog, like, I don't even know, 30 months. We've got a bunch of episodes there that you can look and binge right now if you'd like. But appreciate you. And thank you very much.

Pittsburgh, I'll see fuck you. I'm gonna fuck you. I'm gonna fuck you. I'm gonna fuck you. I'm gonna fuck you.