Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 344. Bingo Mentality

Episode Date: October 26, 2023

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Well, guys, what is up? I'll tell you what. I'm about to announce some new dates in a little bit here. I think in November I'm going to do that for all for next year. But until then, we got Long Beach, November 2nd, November 10th, Orlando, Florida, November 12th, Fort Myers, Florida, Richmond, Virginia, November 17th, Baltimore, Maryland, Trenton, Philadelphia, and Redding, Pennsylvania. And then we have Oxnard, California in December. Get your tickets now, crystalia.com. And we've got a beautiful merch

here that we like to... Well, we got merch. We also got to have more merch coming, which is Oh, well, we got merch. We also have more merch coming, which is ridiculously cool. I can't wait to drop it. But this will be the last probably chance to get a lot of these here. We got the Pocket Stay Deep. And we've got a bunch of different collections here. We got the Grower Die, the Life Rips.

And the Cult, my favorite, the cult flannel there. Go to chrislea.com and pick it all up. And that being said, let's get into the newest episode of Congratulations. My hair's too long, officially. My hair's too long, officially, dude. And Lulu Gonzalez, the person who features for me, the great comedian who features for me, told me that she liked my hair good when it was short. That's a diss in my book, but we still love her. She actually said, why don't you do your hair like that? Actually, dude, my mom would do that shit.

Wow, that's hilarious. Chris, why don't you do it so it's like, Chris, why don't you? And how do I receive that when I'm 11? I'm not good enough. But it's all good, dude. It's all good. I'm being light. I'm joking.

I love my mommy. She's great. She's doing good with her hip surgery. She's out and about just doing her thing. She's great. I love my mommy. And that's it. I was in, let's see, Cleveland. I was in Pittsburgh, Cleveland, and then Detroit. Oh, I forgot, dude. I was going to fucking talk it on stage on on Detroit about how that place every year they do some kind of dorky festival thing that that they do at the theater I was at and they weren't doing it this year and like people online were like thrashing me because

they're like it's because of you we can't do our... I don't even understand how to describe it, and I don't even know what festival it was, but it was like some festival where they do the masks with the eyes wide shut nose that come out, that dorky shit, you know, like the mask with the dorky dick nose. Dick nose. With that music in like a cathedral. And with like cloaks. And then they had like, you know, that stuff. With the pants that are like, like a jester pants that are belled up above the knees.

Just dork shit, man. Just absolute dork stuff. And here's the deal, dude. They were happy to have me, the people at the theater, because I sold it out. If the festival was making bags, then they wouldn't have had me do that weekend. It's not my fault. I didn't even know about the dorky-ass weekend until, you know, people were thrashing me online. So there you go, dude.

I forgot to talk about it on stage. Honestly, it's probably better I didn't because the people in the audience wouldn't even have known what the hell I was talking about because Ash is so dorky, dude. And that's a radio edit. So, yeah, but I was in Pittsburgh,sburgh which dude uh well first of all i mean first of all american airlines i didn't know you sucked what's going on american airlines you united you suck are you united did you hire some cats from united to come over and operate your uh business

american ah first of all have a direct flight from los angeles to pittsburgh yay dude pittsburgh is too big of a city to not have direct flights. Yay. And don't just have Southwest or Spirit Airlines have more options. Yay, dude. Because Spirits don't have a plug to plug in your charger so your phone dies on the flight. Yay, dude. I didn't think Spirit Airlines.

Dude, so we took american okay dude and it's like um i took american and like um i had to connect so like and like i did it and where do i have to connect dallas now that's too far south naturally now that's too far south to go up there i gotta go pittsburgh i go back down there that's too far south, dude. Is it too far south? Yes, dude. So I went to Dallas. Oh, and I got on the plane in Los Angeles. And I'm not American. Now here's the deal, American. Some of your planes really be banging. They really be great. And some of your planes are just absolutely regular from 2001. Update it. regular from 2001. Update it. Hey, update it. Okay. So I'm on the plane and we're sitting on the plane for 45 minutes. And guess what? Here's the real kicker. We're not in the air yet.

Oh yeah, dude. So I'm not steaming really until I get a text message from my tour manager on the plane because we're not sitting near each other. Hey, we're going to have to book it for our connection. And I go like this. I forgot. I forgot we got to book it. I forgot there's a connection. Dude, so I go. We'll finally take off 45 minutes in. And I'm like, we're not going to make it.

And he's like, we'll make it. We just got to run. So, we do the thing where we land, and it's like where they're like, ladies and gentlemen, please, there's some connections. So, if you could not, you know, get off the plane, if you don't have a connection, the people with connections are going to be trying to make it because we really fucked everyone. So they're going to actually, we got to make it really, we got to, they're going to have to run.

They're going to have to fucking run. Hopefully they're in tip-top shape because the Dallas airport is actually 17 miles long and we will never, ever, ever make sure that a connecting flight is the next gate over. We'll never do that.

So what we'll do is we'll have to make it so it's four miles away. So you have to take a tram and you'll have to judge whether or not running or taking the tram is quicker. And no matter what you choose, you'll be wrong. Okay. So ladies and gentlemen, just make sure if you don't have a connection, just, just sit tight and you're not going to listen to this. Okay.

Thanks. Bye. So I'm like, all right. Boom. We fucking get up. Of course, everyone gets up. Not just the people that don't have connections.

I got to boot pass everyone. I'm the first guy running. I take the tram. Get there. Okay, now, dude. Yes, he looked at his watch. Yes, because he was technical. And yes, he wanted to fucking

stick it to him on the podcast. Yes, dude. The flight was at whatever 35, whatever hour it was, 35. That's when the flight was. Yes, dude. He got to the gate at whatever the hour was 27. He's got seven minutes now. You got to get there earlier than that. I understand. I understand. And I get the rules. You got to be there 15 minutes before to have a fucking shot to get on the plane. What to have the, you just got to be there, right? There's still a shot. You can make it if you get within 15 minutes, but maybe not. So I get there and the lady at the gate is like,

sorry, it's closed. And I say, oh, come on, dude. There were so many people on the flight that I was on for Pittsburgh. There were so many people on that flight to Pittsburgh. So now what? They gave away the seats. Oh, they gave away the seats. So now they give away the seats to the people who are flying on standby. So now it's better for them for their pockets, they don't give a fuck about our hearts, yes, dude, they don't care about our hearts, they don't care about our souls, American Airline, you only care about the pockets, so I say, I walk up to the lady, and I say, they say, you got to go to gate, whatever, 24 to get the, you got to go to gate 24 to, for them to, that's a customer help. So I go to gate 24.

It's not customer help, dude. It's not customer help. Customer help is next to gate 24, but she said it's at gate 24. So guess what I do? I wait at gate 24 because I know that the person at gate 24 can fix the problem. And I know that's not what I'm supposed to do, but that's what the fucking lady said. So I'm going to play by the rules in case it doesn't work out. It's not my fault, dude.

So I get there and she says, is your name Chris? And I say, yeah. She says, can I get a picture with you? And I said, well, can you help me? She says, oh, well, let me see if I can. My son loves you. And I'm like, you're not even the one that fucking loves me? Okay.

She says, well, what happened? I said, well, they said I can't make the thing and I need another flight to Pittsburgh. So can you please put me on the next closest flight to Pittsburgh? And she says, ooh, I don't know if we have another flight to Pittsburgh tonight. And I said, I bet there's a way to figure it out. She says, I don't know. So she goes, and she says, dude, she goes, oh, no, dude. You, dude.

Hey, hey, hey, class. Who wants to be talking to someone who's behind a computer and they go, oh, nobody's hands raised. Because that's the worst position to be in. No one wants that. Oh, and I say, what? And she says, you know, when something happens and you think, how many times in your life has something happened and you immediately think, how many times in your life has something happened? And you immediately think, oh, oh, so I'll never forget this moment.

There's only before and after, right? There's this moment that's happened. And you never know the moment that's going to happen because the moment comes, you've got to grab it. Oh, and it's away. Oh, here comes the moment. You don't know when it's coming, but it you're like whoa it came and it went by oh no that's seared into my brain now she says to me is there anywhere else you can go? I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm in Dallas right now. I need to go to Pittsburgh. She says, is there anywhere else you can go?

Like what? I just, what? I'm not going to just, instead of go go to work take a trip to fucking aruba what do you mean oh well i'll just change everyone's lives and i'll go to ottawa what do you mean can i go somewhere else dude I couldn't believe the words that came out of her mouth that I didn't even respond correctly. She said, is there anyone where else you can go? And I said, me, that's not even a response to that. Like, I don't know if I even thought like, is she talking to someone near me? I'm making sure I, I think I was thinking, I have to make sure this is me in this situation right

now. So I said to her, me? And she said, well, there's no flight to Pittsburgh today. It would have to be tomorrow. And I said, well, I can't go anywhere else. I have to go to Pittsburgh. And she says, well, there's a real early, well, you can, can you go to Raleigh? Oh, hey, no. Do you want to go to Raleigh tomorrow at 7 a.m. and then Pittsburgh? Anti. I'm anti that. Absolutely not. What?

Pull me in Pittsburgh. Hey, I need to be where the Pirates play. Hey, I need to be where the Penguins play. Hey, I need to be where the Steelers play. Hey, Pittsburgh, you got too many teams. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, come on. Give me the Pittsburgh, bitch.

I didn't say it. Wanted to. Oh, come on, bitch. Didn't say it. Would never feel bad I even i even said on the podcast but it's a joke i don't think women are bitches but get me to pittsburgh so she says i don't think there's anything we can do. And I say, I bet there is. So now I'm talking to my tour manager. No, no. So now I'm like, well, why don't you go over to customer service?

I'm like, all right, fuck this. I'm going to go to customer service. Maybe they have like the extra special way to deal with it. By the way, the lady was so nice. I'm playing. She was so nice, but that's what happened. And it was ridiculous. I mean, what's she gonna do fucking make a plane come out of thin air and so uh because you know you do the thing where you're like can you get the manager you know

and then the manager comes and they're like oh well there's actually it's like just tell me all this shit up front let me deal with the person who's the most the person, you know? If the manager can't do it, get me the owner. If the owner can't do it, let me talk to a plane, you know? How may I help you? Wow, Robin Williams. So now I'm like, okay,

I go to the customer service and my tour manager is like, you know, we have a flight. He's like, Oh, I just talked to the, he caught on the phone. Right.

Cause you got to do all sorts of shit. If your flight gets fucked up, you got to call and wait. And when you're waiting in line, if you're waiting in line and you're not calling someone else, also trying to fix it, dude, you might as well now build a house where you are, because that's where you live. You're not getting out. So, so, so we get to the customer service and he's like, dude, there's a flight to Cleveland later in like an hour. We could just take that,

And he's like, dude, there's a flight to Cleveland later in like an hour. We could just take that, go to Cleveland and stay in Cleveland tonight. And then tomorrow, drive to Pittsburgh, do the show, come back to Cleveland and then stay for Cleveland. And then this way, you don't have to even really do another drive that day. You have the whole day in Cleveland. And then this way, you don't have to even really do another drive that day. You have the whole day in Cleveland. And I go, oh, dude. And that's why we play the Rust Belt. It's why. That's so good when you get to fucking fly in and ding, ding, ding and fly out because that's what we did because we did fucking pittsburgh and cleveland and detroit because oh that's why we play the rust belt oh it's so great man cleveland changed cleveland's changed last time i was in cleveland was four or

five years ago went to cleveland where is everybody? Where'd they go? Cleveland had great food. Where'd the restaurants go? They had great food. Then the restaurants, where are they? They're not there anymore. Not the ones I went to. And there's lots more homeless coming around and shit. Cleveland has too many. Oh, I'm wearing the wrong watch. Great. I got a fucking gold ring

with the fucking thing. I'm an idiot. But, um, then I did Detroit. And I was on stage. And I was talking about Marvel Avengers and shit. And some lady in the back goes, says, I love Marvel. And it's like, what kind of person does that dude don't say that you know there's 1700 people in the audience somebody just says i love marvel in the middle of the show loud everyone heard it. Like what?

It's not. We're not having a telephone conversation. It's not me and you in a room. It's 2,000 people here. So we did. We flew into Cleveland. Stayed in Cleveland. Went to. Bro, when are cities done

you know there's always construction cranes and shit and places where you can't walk you know oh fuck the fence watch out you're doing shit like that dude it's never done man

it's probably better to live back in the you know 900s besides dying and people thinking that people were witches and stuff and like you know you die from like a fever like you didn't have to worry about like updating

everything cause there just wasn't shit to update the wheel fucked everything up huh the second a guy was like look at this put 40s on there we all were fucked we went we went fucked and now when i go to erowan or a grocery store i gotta like move out the way because they're changing the plumbing or something in the parking lot it It's all good. This is just, you know, big first world problems, but it's like, you know, they're my problems. So it's like, okay.

The shows were fantastic, dude. We could watch the tour report is up. Dude, how about, how about could you, have you, like this dude, first of all, Lithuania is just, why wouldn't you do this if you're from Lithuania? He's Lithuanian, you know. He is a man who was arrested for faking a heart attack 20 times to avoid paying the bill at restaurants. Dude. His name, Itis J., a Lithuanian man living in Spain. Okay, cool, yeah, wow.

Because Spain, you can't, you know what? You can't do that in America. Nobody would give a fuck. Oh, fuck, he's got a heart attack. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck, here. Oh, put the bill under him. that in america you nobody would give a fuck oh fuck he's got a heart attack oh shit oh fuck here oh put the bill under him here put it in his pocket the ambulance take it away put it dude what first of all what a debacle to to to not pay 25 for like some beef sliders

you know just and then fall down and then have to go to the hospital. Or what happens after that? He said, Oh, I got a heart attack. I got to go. Or what? Anyway, have bigger aspirations. Crook, you're going to go to jail after 20 times faking a heart attack the 50 year old man a lithuanian national identified as itis jay in in spain they don't oh no look what he did he is going to he die he is going to die forget it that's i can't think about but a son what is sir he is going to die oh no help him please it is on us and america be like that shit that's still 32 dollars give me um itis was first arrested in his scams november 2022 and his most recent encounter with the law was on september 19th dude he still did it

you know this guy's gonna die of a heart attack i want to know how much yeah here we go in his latest target the shameless scammer visited the el buen comer in the historic district of Alicante, Spain, for dinner. In order to see food paella and two whiskeys, which cost roughly $36.80. Oh, dude. He tried to skimp out on $36.80. When he finished his meal and drinks, the man attempted to leave but was stopped by restaurant staff who told him he had to pay. At first, Idas, who has gotten a nickname El Gastrojeta,

said he needed to go back to his hotel to get the money and then claimed he felt unwell and threw himself to the ground. Dude! I need to go get my money and my hotel. Sorry, sir, you can't leave. We need to get paid. It was very theatrical he pretended to faint and he slumped himself down on the floor

the restaurant's owner said they didn't buy it I love it dude they took a picture of him on the ground and he's just like this and he knows he's not having a heart attack dude I love that wow

how much time can you get for that in america you'd get out the same day anyway wait wait wait is this it the elbow and others the the restaurant oh i wish they had video of it falling down softly so he doesn't hurt himself, you know. 42 days because of two unpaid fines. 42 days, not worth it. Boy Who Cried Wolf. Lithuanian Boy Who Cried Wolf.

That's so gangster. this is something I actually can't even believe I don't even like could you well bro there's natural disasters you know which it's like oh shit like you ever see the footage of like tsunamis that come through?

It's like devastating. But you're like, okay, well, this is nature. I can't do anything about it. Charge it to the game, you know? Charge it to the nature game. Like we're fucked. Oh no. Like, you know, dad got hit by lightning.

Oh, that's brutally terrible. But charge it to the nature game. You know? Oh shit. There was an earthquake and then things started. A volcano erupted and got some houses and they're gone. Oh shit. Charge it to the nature game though. You know, nothing you could do it. Act of God. Oh fuck. There goes nature cucking around you know i'm saying there goes mother nature vengeful that's why it's a woman mother nature because you know women are vengeful and so um there'd never be dude nature you know there'd just be there would be i know dudes do war and shit but when it comes to natural disaster, if it was father nature, everything

would be so plush and beautiful. You know, mother nature, mother nature, they got tsunamis, fucking earthquakes, volcanoes, uh, storms and shit because women are vengeful and it's all good. I didn't make up the rules. This is Mother Nature. Oh, really? Oh, really, humans? Tsunami. Starting in Japan, hitting the coast of Cali. Just, oh.

Oh, really? Just Mother Nature just like this in the wave. All the way. Miles until it's... Oh, no until it's... Oh, no! It's that vengeful bitch! Okay, that's twice I used the B word.

Well, but she's not real, so... Here's the thing, man. Nature be tootling around with its shit, you know? Like I said, tornadoes. When it comes to wind ones, there's five of them anyway. Cyclones, tornadoes, hurricanes. Like, dude, you know, Mother Nature's having fun out there. This is a different, like, it's not just wind.

This one will twist around like a fucking, this one will twist around and look like an hourglass and pick up cows and fucking houses and you know what I'm saying? Oh, and this one's a hurricane. It's just a mess completely. Our cars will be

upended. Humans. I don't even know what a cyclone is, but like, there's, and I'm not even naming all of them, and then they have categories, and this one,

category fucking, you know, four, fuck it, fuck them, they shouldn't live in Alabama anyway, or wherever they have them, I don't even know where they have them,

um, so, but then, when it's human error, you lose shit because dude this headline just says it okay so here's the deal this is what the headline is woman returns from vacation to find family home mistakenly demolished an employee admitted he had the wrong address after he checked the permit, but the company has taken no other action. Dude, they demolished the lady's house in Atlanta.

Dude, this would only happen in Atlanta. Atlanta's crazy. You know? I mean, imagine coming home after a vacation. Dude, like you spend your hard-earned cash that you fucking you know you're like oh man finally get to go on vacation gonna relax just gonna all my stress gonna be gone by the time i come home ready to ready to get back to life and just rock it and you show up, dude. And it's a pile of rubble. Okay.

That happens to me. Hey, dude, check this out. That happens to me. Everybody I've ever met in my life is getting murdered. Okay. I don't, I don't give a fuck who has, whose fault it is. Everybody I've ever met in the world

is getting murdered. Okay? People I met when I was seven, I got to go back and find John Middleton or whatever the hell his name was when I used to be friends with him. My mom was like, that was your first best friend.

I don't even remember his fucking full name. I think it was John Middleton or something, but he was blonde. Whoever that guy, if he's alive, he's getting fucking knifed up, dude. Sorry, dude. I came home from vacation, lost my home. There was the wrong address, dude.

And the guy's going to get stabbed, and as he's getting stabbed, he's going to be going like this. I get it. It's extreme, but I get it. The fucking blood coming out of his mouth. I would do it too. stabbed he's gonna be going like this i get it it's extreme but i get the fucking the fucking blood coming out of his mouth i would do it too it must be murdering everyone you ever met dude could you imagine i can't wait to just walk through the door of my house and just plop down on my couch

and just start rocking life again. What a great, great reset. And then you don't even have a door to walk through or a couch to plop down. Dude, imagine driving up. Imagine first seeing it a little bit far away. You're like, you're like, oh, no, that's not right. Right. That's not our, it looks like it's our house.

Like, but you're convincing yourself. No, no, no, it's not. I can't. No, no, no, no. Like get closer. That'd be me. Oh my God, dude. I can't. That is the, it doesn Get closer. That'd be me. Oh, my God. Dude, I can't.

That is the. It doesn't work. The oops button. Look at her. Look at the quote. I'm furious. Hodgson said. I keep waking up thinking.

First of all, where are you waking up? Is this all a joke or something? Just a joke. Because here's the thing, too. That happens. I go to. Oh, I'm rich as shit shit i'm getting rich off this somebody's getting sued to high heaven you know i'm saying i'm gonna be yo it's gonna be chris gonna be like you're gonna be like where you

seeing we seen chris lately nope why ah he's just like fucking he's doing the ducktail shit where he dives into the fucking the cash from the diving board he's got that now oh really yeah oh he's somewhere well i haven't talked but i was his best friend oh but he doesn't talk to anybody anymore only his family and he spends fucking eight hours a day off a diving board inside diving into some coins like fucking duck tails who's Who is DuckTales? Was that Scrooge McDuck? That's Scrooge McDuck? That's me. I'm changing my name to Scrooge McDuck.

That's how fucking much I'm suing and getting money for it. Oh, my God. She asked a neighbor. She said a neighbor called her while she was away and asked if someone had been hired to tear down the vacant house. I said no. And she said, well, there's someone over here who just demolished the whole house and tore it all down. Hey, neighbor, stop it before that happens. Worst neighbor. Hey, guys, what you doing?

When the neighbor confronted them, Hodgson said the workers got nasty. He told her to shut up and mind her own business. Oh, dude, that's not even their business. Mind your own business. I'm fucking destroying the wrong house oh my god i would i would get so many millions dollars all. All your pictures for everyone, they're all gone. You know, all your shit is in there.

Like computers and clothes. Oh, man. All right, well. Dude, you know what? So Halloween's coming up. Uh, which means one thing. Buzzfeed is going to put out some stupid fucking articles.

You know what I'm saying? Um, so here it is. I found it the other day. 31 Halloween costumes that are so clever. I'm kind of jealous. I didn't think of them first. First of all,

too long of a fucking headline. Like, oh, by the way, you can't, there are going to be so many Barbies and Kens that I got to stay in because I can't be seeing that shit. I can't be seeing some fat Ken, you know? Or some, like, plump Barbie.

Some chick that thinks, like like she's getting away with it when it's like, they were going to make the Amy Schumer Barbie movie. They did okay, but they didn't. You know, so be cruel, the fucking, the bad lady in Ariel, in the fucking, the pink, the purple fat lady, you know what I'm talking about?

But look at this. Dude, the worst Halloween costumes are the cute things, are like the ones where you're like a fucking bird and you're attached to somebody painted blue and you're like, look, I'm chicken cord on blue or whatever the fuck, you know, or you're in a dress and it says Freud and you're like, I'm a Freudian slip. Like I that stuff, dude, that kind of shit is so cringe. And I'm just like, oh, no. Hey, if Halloween is the thing where you get creative if that's the day you get creative just give it up like here we go ghost malone this is one of them no no no just no i mean a bumblebee why is a bumblebee that's something that you're jealous i'm not even

gonna go pumpkin spice girl i mean whatever you know oh no beyonce a b that says yonce on it i mean come on dude look at this i just look at this dude This lady's dressed up as a chicken With a bra and money under the bra A chicken strip Dude I just said the fucking chicken cordon bleu I didn't even read this yet A white claw Oh god

And she's a crab with a white claw Oh dude No this is the worst one I've ever seen This Lady has a shirt that says blessing on it and sunglasses and a hat and a overcoat this is a blessing in disguise dude no my mom would be like oh how funny no dude a copycat. Oh, dude, this has Ferwittian slip on it.

This is hilarious. This has the actual one I was like is so fucking stupid. She's wearing a slip dress that says libido, psychos, ego, mom, id. Oh, God, dude. I mean, a fucking nun with a briefcase and she's none of your business. Dude! Oh, my God. Put a fucking dildo in my anus repeatedly.

This is just... Dude. Dude. repeatedly this is just absolutely dude use one of those fucking the snm things where you're you're where i'm tied up and it just goes with a big dildo ram it in my butt dude sorry i know my dad listens to this podcast but come on man yo this makes me feel bad these things here's another one a spice rack and she's got just a bunch of the spice girl dolls around her neck on a wood plank a deviled egg beauty and the beastie boys oh i'll fucking shit all over dude oh dude a web server oh dude she's got look and she blurred her face out because she knows

it's stupid she's got a dress with a bunch of spider webs on it and she's holding uh uh uh uh like cocktails on her on her tray like a server a web server, dude. Fantasy football, dude. This guy is wearing a Patriots jersey and has a wizard beard and a staff. Bro. John Snow White. I will... I'll start a whole singing career, dude.

I can't... This is so insane, bro. Are you... You don't like these, right? Oh, he's... He's on another team. He goes, I mean... No, dude. A dildo?

Oh, like a dough and a dill. god oh the friend zone dude are you kidding me dude are you are you are you kidding me the friend zone and they're dressed up like people who do construction and they're together, I guess. I don't know. It doesn't matter. Bro, these get worse. These are unbelievable. Check this one out.

A formal apology. Dude, she's got a nice dress on and a sash that says apology. If you have to write the word on it, hey, just go as a witch. Hey, just go as a ghost. Just go as the president. You know? Be Babadook, for fuck's sake. I'm going gotta keep going.

Oh, God. Old mermaids. And they're mermaids and they got the saggy tits. No. No. Oh, this is crazy, bro. A fly swatter. S-W-A-T.

This is a swat guy with a fucking... A shirt that says swAT with a fly... I'm jealous because that's a low maintenance outfit. That's pretty good. That's one I'm jealous of. Oh, dude. The Adams, Adam, Adam, Adams family. So, I don't even want to do it.

One guy's an Adam, A-T-O-M. One guy's... I don't even get it. Hell on Wheels. Okay, well, we got to give her a pass because she's a paraplegic and she's the devil. So good job, lady. Even though, you know. A zombie.

Will there be... Bee really gets some mileage with that. Darth Slater. A woman... With a Darth Vader... I don't know. You got to be a mom for like 12 years

to appreciate this stuff. You can't just be... Like if you... I love how mad this guy gets. This is so great. Come on. Come on. Here we go.

Wait, I have to sign in for this? Tough guy? I need you to be quiet right now, sir. Oh, what are you going to do? I'm going to evict you from the hotel, and I recommend you get out of my face. For what? Nathan, call 911.

Bro? First of all, the guy's so drunk, and second of all, that guy behind the... who says Nathan, call 911, would not win in a fight, dude. He would be so exhausted from jump. He's already exhausted. I need you to be quiet right now, sir.

Oh, what are you going to do? That guy's so drunk. Oh, what are you going to do? I'm going to evict you from the hotel, and I recommend you get out of my face. Why, what? Nathan, call 911. Uses diaphragm. Dude uses diaphragm.

Nathan, call 911. Love it. I want to be that guy's friend for real, dude. I was watching this thing last night with Kristen and our friend. And it was the Zodiac Killer, the new documentary Zodiac Killer,

the new documentary Zodiac Killer thing or whatever, you know, it's like two episodes. And this guy is talking about the Zodiac Killer. And the whole thing about this miniseries, which is two hours, it's two episodes, there's like an hour and some, mini series which is two hours it's two episodes there's like an hour and some is is that he is like he said you learn when you watch the thing is this is the guy who has this theory that's nobody's had this theory before but or i've never heard it but he's like

he basically says there was no Zodiac killer and it was all separate murders that separate people did. And once the news and the media started running with the Zodiac killer thing, people would start to kill who they wanted and just do the Zodiac Killer thing because they know that they'd get off because they wouldn't be investigated for the other murders. And even if they fit the description for one murder, it didn't link or jive with the Zodiac Killer theme. So they would get away scot-free. This was this guy's theory. He wrote a book about it. And I'm like, first of all, genius. If I ever have to kill someone, I'm writing a Zodiac Killer note to, you know what I mean? Whatever cuck ass, the Rolling Stone or like fucking whatever woke ass fucking cuck ass shit that's going to be out of business soon.

Or the LA Times, you know? Just, hey, I am the Z zodiac killer i i'm sorry here i had to kill you know the guy who did this is my opener or i mean chrysalis opener because you know whatever it is hey here's a crypt cryptology thing about it and just put it some random designs and like penises and like a fucking fish and like dildos and shit and tits.

And they just are like, oh wait, we don't know what to make of this, you know, and they can't show it in the news but there's another crypto,

crypto, crypto thing, whatever you call it. But the guy was like, bro, first of all, he has a shirt, he's wearing a shirt

with fucking, like one of those Hawaiian, not a Hawaiian, kind of a Hawaiian shirt with pineapples and flowers on it. And I go, best friend. From now on, best friend. Everyone else gets moved down a notch. A guy like that in his 50s who wears a shirt with pineapples and flowers on it, best friend immediately. Okay? So I'm watching this, and the guy, the guy, the documentarian puts it to him. He's like, so what you're saying is there's no Zodiac Killer, and they were just random killings that were trying to, that were one-offs that, you know, and the the zodiac killer was a literary um design that people just fictionalized

and the guy goes like this the because the documentarian put into him he's like to put him back on his heels like the guy you would think a normal person would be like well i mean the facts come you know if you say the guy goes like this, looks at the dude and says, bingo. And I fell in love with a man. Romantically. That's that's the kind of fucking confidence I want to have, man. And I mostly do. But sometimes you get fucked up, you know.

and a half, man. And I mostly do, but sometimes you get fucked up, you know? Like when I was talking to the flight attendant, because there was no Wi-Fi on the flight, and I wanted to say, hey, where's the Wi-Fi? And I wanted her to be

like, back on her feet, be like, well, we don't have, we don't, I said, where's the Wi-Fi? She said, you don't know? We haven't had Wi-Fi for a year on these planes. I go, oh, we don't have, we don't. I said, where's the wifi? She said, you don't know. We haven't had wifi for a year on these planes. I go, Oh, well, she got me. I want to have that bingo confidence. And if you don't have bingo confidence, let me tell you something, dude, you don't have passion in your life. You don't have passion. You're living your life day to day you might as well be a zombie zombie zombie zombie dude i'm good but yo you gotta have that bingo mentality that bingo confidence look people in the eyes when i'm talking to someone and i need something or if i

just you know i people, you got charisma or whatever. Yeah. I could use that if I want, but guess what? Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I imagine eating the person I'm talking to his face. And that's a straight up 100% life hack for you. I'm imagining eating their face. Okay. Say whatever you want. Oh, Chris is crazy. Oh, Chris, I don't do it. And I never would, but I imagine doing it because if you're imagining consuming someone, when you're talking to them, you win, no matter what happens. Cause even if you don't get what you want, you go like this. Ah, whatever. I ate you in my head. You got to imagine picking things off their face and eating.

All right. Well, we'll get demonetized. I'm not a serial killer. But all I'm saying is, yeah. That's that bingo mentality. I don't know if the guy from the documentary would agree with me. But I'm just like, you know what's bingo? You know what's bingo?

Nathan, call 911. That I'm just like, you know what's bingo? You know what's bingo? Nathan, call 911. That's bingo mentality, dude. Nathan, call 911. He sang it, you know? That's the beginning of a song in a musical. He does that, and then it goes, Like, that's how dope it was Watch

Nathan call 911 I'm like Hey where you going Shut up Oh he's in the car It's beautiful man in the car. I don't know. It's beautiful, man. I guess it doesn't always work out when you're that confident, right?

Because I did when I forgot my bags and she said, there's nothing we can do. I said, I bet there is. And I looked her in the eyes. I still had to go to cleveland uh you still had to go to fucking cleveland i love cleveland man i really do say whatever you want man i love cleveland I love Cleveland. Nathan, call 911.

Blanket in. Stream Tomorrow's Hope by Peter Clark on Spotify now. Go to my page if you want to purchase a 10-word ad or a shout-out of some sort. Holler.baby slash Chris D'Elia. Oh, yeah, this thing. This is incredible. This is incredible. This is incredible. Dude, this was...

Hip-hop is so... Look, I get it. Hip-hop's cool, but it's also so kind of dumb, you know? Like, you're just rhyming. But they'll act like... It's so funny to me that they act like it's hardcore and it's just rhyming especially in the cypher when you're battle rapping and people are like

oh that's just the word let me just strap up my boot and turn around open my ass for a toot you know oh i go to the bar i take a car oh shit people are just like god damn it and people look at me like i'm a superstar and you a stupid star. Oh! Like, dude, you have kids, bro.

You know? What's your... Hey, hey, guy. What's your real job? You know? You're a bank teller. I may be a bank teller, but I'll shoot your ass like old Yeller. Oh!

And make more money than Rockefeller. No, you won't. You're poor. You know? It's like, I thought it was dumb until I saw this guy. I have to take it there. Because when I'm about to doodle bop, do the bop. Me hoi nyoy me nyoy and he race with square.

Oh, dude. Spongebob. Dude, I mean, come on. Dude. Because if y'all ain't never heard of Christian Rapper, I'm about to take it there. Because when I'm about to do the bop, do the bop. Me hoi nyoy me nyoy, and race me square. Dude, first of all time.

Because if y'all ain't never heard of Christian rapper. I love it because he starts with the Christian rapper thing and then it just, it's out the window. Doodoo bop. Doodoo. And he's doodoo bop! You know what I mean? He's like really putting it to him. This is the bingo mentality he's got. But he's saying, oing, oing, oing, oing, oing.

A lunatic. I'm about to take you there. Lost his mind. Right here. Still hanging on to some semblance of his fucking former self. After he said the doodoo bop part the second time, his brain literally separated and it broke. His cerebellum dropped and the fucking,

what do they call it? The thing that, the fucking, the midbrain, it just swolled up and the sides of his brain hit his skull and he's hemorrhaging. And this is what happens right after that. Me hoi, me hoi, me hoi. And this is for you. Dude.

Oh, shit. Frontal lobe is what I was trying to think of, dude. God damn it. It is? Yeah. Dude, what's with the fucking things I'm predicting in this podcast I it's a spongebob you put it on there oh here's the spongebob reference okay hold on Oh doodle Bob people in the comments like, y'all don't even get the fucking levels of this. The door?

It won't be me. Aw, look at him. Ain't he a doll? All he needs is a tie. It's good we're dancing. Ring the door. And... oh dude that's pretty ill man that's a good bar so what does he mean then i'm about to take it there what i do to bob do to bob And take the square or whatever the fuck.

Whatever. It was stupid still. You know? You still have a regular job somewhere. What? Michigan State showed Adolf Hitler's image as part of a pregame quiz on video boards before playing number two Michigan on Saturday night and later apologized for the interview.

Well, what about it though? What did they say? Hitler and Austria's birthplace flashed on the video boards long enough for someone on social media to share what was seen by fans. Well, what did they say? You can show someone, right?

Wow, dude. you can just you can show someone right um wow dude so now they're so now what see this is the thing nothing happened right did anything happen or people just got mad and then they apologized it was part of a quiz it's not not like they were saying, you know. You know what you can't say. Wow, that is pretty weird, though. Look at that. Somebody explain the context behind this for me. Just straight up Hitler on the fucking board. This is fucking.

And he's just up there with his little ass dumb mustache boy he really ruined that mustache didn't he charlie chaplin was like i'm gonna kill this shit and then hitler came along and they were like all right well i guess we're done with that remember michael jordan had it in that fucking haynes commercial the little hitler mustache what the fuck that was wild wasn't it um all right all right that's good we appreciate you guys um thank you very much uh and uh i will be in like i said um uh reading pennsylvania uh long beach orlando fort myers richmond baltimore Reading, Pennsylvania, Long Beach, Orlando, Fort Myers, Richmond, Baltimore, Trenton, Philadelphia, and Oxnard coming up. And stay tuned for some new dates. Appreciate you. That's it for YouTube.

If you want to get the rest of the episode, the uncut episode, go on to patreon.com. And also, you get all of the other bonus episodes that have been going for years. And you can watch them immediately for just six bucks. Thanks a lot, guys. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out.

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