Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 346. The Milk Man

Episode Date: November 2, 2023

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Runk. three years, I've cried every single day. For different reasons, you know? He's like, I'm hungry. I'm like, I want my fucking career back, asshole. Doing all this therapy, she said to me, well, that's no surprise you're a comedian. I said, what do you mean? I know you think you like to do stand-up because you like to make people laugh. When people laugh, that means that they accept you, and you need that. And that's when I was like,

you're a fucking bitch. I'm just a guy, and I'm just trying to do better okay they don't want you to change that's the truth i got back on stage and people were just like what the fuck you are but i typed so fucking hard Okay, listen to me, listen to me, all right? My special, Grow or Die, my fifth special, is available for pre-order now until midnight. It is available now, crystalia.com. I have self-released this in the gangster way. dot com. I have self-released this in the gangster way. I put it out there and you are able to purchase it now pre-order at a certain price. It's eight dollars. And then at midnight, the special

comes out when the special comes out on Crystalia dot com. It will be available for a little bit of a higher price. So you are able to get it now for less. So go to crystalia.com and go get the special grow or die. It is the thing I am most proud of in my career. This special above any other special. I don't, I honestly, it was the hardest thing I've done and I am more proud of it than I am of any other work that I've ever done. So go support. I put this out on my own crystalia.com. And I'm so excited for you to see it. And, uh, it's an hour and eight minutes. I believe it's, it's, it's a little more than an hour. And, uh, I, you know, I don't, I don't like

when people say blood, they put their blood, sweat and tears in it, but I did put my sweat and tears in it, I suppose. Uh, no blood, but go check it out. Um, and,. And I love you, man. Crystalia.com. I'm super happy it's out. And I'll let the work speak for itself. So without further ado, welcome to the new app. Actually, let me say something before this. Because I'll just put the link under the thing on the comments.

I'll be the pinned comment. So go click that link, which is chrisalea.com anyway. Whatever. I'm excited about it. And I hope you like it. And now, without further ado, the next episode. Here we go. The next episode of Congratulations. of congratulations hey it's uh it's a good day dude yep it's a good day and I just realized I

have a tag that's sticking in the side of my thing that's so annoying I like I don't understand the, I guess you have to have a tag to know what size and all that shit. But like, don't have that. It pokes in the side, right? And you never notice until you're out and nobody has a scissors. It's all good. It's all good, my babies. This is the whatever episode. It's 300 and something.

I don't even know. I can't even believe how many episodes we've had. And Calvin came in earlier, obviously, and messed with all the levels on the headphones because we couldn't hear anything. And then we noticed that all of them were turned down to a certain level. And that was definitely that Calvin that did that. Because he comes in here and pushes the buttons. And my gosh, I only feel love about that. You know, if anyone else were to ever do that, I would get, I would get mad.

But Calvin's really kind of opened me up and made me think about things in a different way. Dude, I tell you right now, this weekend, this, this weekend that we just had, the past weekend, was – dude. So I was a little sad on like Thursday, I think. You know, some days you just wake up and you're like, okay. And the whole day you're just, all right. Okay. I guess I'll go to bed and see what happens tomorrow. The next day you wake up and you're like, all right.

Oh, okay. You know? The weekend was just bonkers connected, bonkers good, great mood, good attitude. And I'm just like, dude, what? Is this what it's going to be like today? Not bad. Now it's Monday right now. And I'm just like, where's the bad mood coming now? I'll let you in on a little secret, dude. I've been taking citalopram for 17 years. Okay. I didn't know this, but apparently what my psychiatrist said,

not my therapist, not my psychologist, my psychiatrist, I got so many. It's hard to deal with things. She said that they have a, she said, sorry to use this term, but a poop out date. Now, I don't know what it is, but I love learning about poop. So what is that? And she says, there is a time limit on these SSRIs, on this medications. I didn't know that. And I probably, I'm well past the poop out date. And I probably, I'm well past the poop out date. I'm well past the medicine going kaput, okay? And I'll tell you why I think that, because I switched, I went to do a little bit of a switch on the medication.

Now, do I wake up anxious sometimes because of it? I think yes. Is it because the therapist, is it because the psychologist said maybe it would happen and maybe it's psychosomatic and she shouldn't have mentioned it? Yes, it could be, right? But it's happening. I wake up a little bit and it's all good. Okay. And then I get really good as the day progresses on Thursday, a little bit of a sad day and then Friday and Saturday and Sunday, super connected. Now, did I start with 10 milligrams of Prozac? Yeah, he did. And

then a week later, did he go to 20 milligrams of Prozac? Yeah, he did. And then a week later, did he go to 20 milligrams of Prozac? Yeah, he did. And then a week later, did he go to 30 milligrams of Prozac? Yeah, secret's out. He did. Okay. And while he was doing it, was he weaning off of his citalopram? Yeah, he was.

Okay. And was it 40 milligrams of citalopram? Yeah, it was. And then was it 30? It was. And then was it 20? Yeah, it was. Okay. And was it 40 milligrams of citalurane? Yeah, it was. And then was it 30? It was. And then was it 20? Yeah, it was. And now what is that, 10?

So now we're doing 30 and 10, and I'm just like, oh, all right. I need to make that louder. And it's just like, is this what life is like? Because I'll tell you what, no buzz, no nothing, right? Look, I've taken a Vyvanse before. I know what it feels like. It feels like you do a Relic Coke, all right? Because it's basically Ritalin, which is basically Coke, all right?

Yeah. Can I pay attention when I did it? Oh, coke. All right? Yeah. Can I pay attention when I did it? Oh, yeah. But when I took Vyvanse before, I'm like, remember when I took it when I went on the boat? There was an episode where I talked about how I went on a boat. I took a Vyvanse because I thought that maybe I was going to have a rough time being on a boat with a bunch of people because I didn't want to be on a boat. First of all, I didn't want to be on a boat. Second of all, I didn't want to be with a bunch of people.

And we were going to marry the two. Oh, God. So I took a Vyvanse, and I was the life of the, I was the lot. And when I say I was the life, I mean, I was the life of the party. Okay. So I know what that feels like. It feels like you do a rail of Coke. Okay. All right. Now I don't know what Coke smells, smells like, feels like, but I know what Vyvanse feels like. And I felt like I did a reel of Coke. OK, which is what I think what Coke is. But whatever. Anyway, I don't feel like that. I feel like my intrusive thoughts are still there. But it didn't matter that much. You know, like I still think about, you know, if I walk down this alleyway, maybe later on I'll get cancer.

But I go like this, whatever. Maybe it won't be for a long time. I go like this. There's an alleyway. If I walk down here, ah, maybe my mom will get throat cancer. Ah, she'll be all right. So I'm just like, all right. So maybe I've been living wrong for like five years with the, I don't know when the,italopram pooped out. And look, this is not, this is a health and wellness podcast, but this is not a medical podcast. I'm not trying to be like, yo, you guys should take Prozac.

Yo, you guys should take, you don't think, but think about your SSRIs, man. If you've been doing that shit for 15 years, you might be in your poop out day. And I hope that this right. I was saying it to my therapist. I was saying to my couple of therapists, I got so many, I have so many therapists. So I was saying to my couple of therapists, oh God, I have so many, dude. And I was telling her and I was like, I really hope it's a Prozac. And she's like, well, you know, maybe it is, but don't worry if it's not, we'll get there. And I go, all right. And then she she was like look in your wife's eyes and tell her why are you feeling i was just like

oh anytime you got to do that in couple therapy if you're in couple therapy look couple therapy is great because you know what that whole book men are from mars women are from ikea, whatever the hell it is. It's unbelievable how much it's hard to be on the same page with anyone. Now, take into account a woman, right? If you're a man. If you're a woman, then a man, right? So, therapy, couples therapy is good. I do it.

Now, do I want to, do I go like this? Every single time we got to go do it. Yeah. Now afterwards, do I feel better? Half the time. Half the time I feel worse. But then I started to feel better, I guess. So what happens is therapy's fine.

When I'm talking to the therapist, cool. Sitting next to my wife, all good. But dude, when I got a fucking turn, when she says, why don't you, now look at Kristen, look in her eyes, and I go, this is exactly what I don't want to be doing, dude. I love looking in her eyes, but I don't want to be like looking in her eyes

and have her looking in mine and be talking about that. That step is fine. The looking in her eyes is fine. The her looking in my eyes are good. Good. Great. Love that. Let's stop it right there. Because after that, the me talking about my feelings part. Oh no, thank you. So, Chris, why don't you look in her eyes and tell her how that makes you feel as a man? Oh, no, thank you. But you got to do it because you're there, right? The shit costs whatever it costs.

I don't know. They just charge me every fucking month. And I did it. And she's like, doesn't that feel nice? And I'm like, I guess, dude, but it's so fucking uncomfortable, man. You know? You know? Like, dude, I was watching Ice Age earlier.

And, like, the fucking woolly mammoth was, like, took the spear from the caveman guy. And he was going to stab him and shit. And then they had the kid on the top of the woolly mammoth and was like look here's your kid and they thought they were never going to see each other again but now they are and now the kids walk in and the dad wasn't even there but the animals taught him to walk and so it's like all right but then they play the music and i'm like oh fuck man fuck, man. Like that really makes me, if I let it, feel. If I let it, I can feel very, very deeply about that. But dude, I don't let it, do I? No, because it's fucking Ice Age, dude. Because I'm not going gonna let my feelings pour out of me looking at a fucking cgi woolly mammoth right but then i'm like man is that a problem like it feels so uncomfortable

sometimes when you listen to certain look i know i talk about how i don't like music sometimes i heard a song that i used to hear in high school and it was too much for me, dude. And I go like this, Ooh, maybe it's nice, but I'm not there yet. And I know I'm still really young 43, but like, dude, it was like really fucking me up. And I can't really listen to something's blocked off. Whatever, dude, you know, Something's blocked off. Whatever, dude. You know. I'm glad you're with me.

Thank you for listening. Because who knows where I would be without you guys and without therapy and without. I think probably my life would be roughly the same. Well, I think without therapy I'd probably be fucking underground. So, but. whatever, dude. I keep it cool at the gym. I was at the gym and I was killing it, okay, as I do. Some guy comes up to me and says, hey, man, what's the progression? How did you get to where you get to with that exercise?

Because what I was doing is I was going down on one leg, single leg, touching my other knee to the ground and rising back up. Now that's very hard to do. It has a lot to do with balance and I was doing it with 40 pound weights. Oh God damn it, dude. But I was though, right?

No lie, no cap. Stop the cap. Don't we have that? though, right? No lie. No cap. Stop the cap. Don't we have that? Somewhere, right? Stop the cap. No. Stop the cap. So, yeah, dude.

No, I was legitimately going down on one leg, touching my other knee to the ground, holding 40 pounds. Stop the cap. And the guy comes up and he says, dude, can I ask you, what's the progression? What's it like to get to there? And I said, well, you start with no weight. And he was like, well, that's interesting because it must make it a little bit harder.

But then you can put this in. And I tell him all about it. And he goes, I walk out. I'm like, dude, guess what? That dude asked me about uh advice hey dude the icing on the cake he was fit stop the cow dude he was fit okay so I go and then I look at him and he's fit and that's my fucking confidence, man. Just growing up. Like I took a mushroom and I'm wearing fucking red overalls, just loving it, man. You know? And I go and I text, I immediately text my wife and our friend together in a group text,

dude, fit guy, really a fit guy asked me for advice and they go, Oh my gosh. Okay. Guess what, dude? The next day I'm working out, same dude comes up to me, asks me about for more advice. And then I'm talking to him and I realize, oh, he's just kind of a fucking crazy guy. Oh, he's talking because he's talking to everybody. So I go, oh, fuck. He's not talking because he wants advice. He's talking because he's running from something. Oh, for fuck's sake, dude.

But he was fit, dude. And I'm going to hold on to that, to that man i'm gonna hold on to that because it made me feel so good um i don't know oh yeah i got this fucking tattoo dude added to it my mommy hates it but dude it's fine because i'm fucking so yatted up i really am oh he's got a throat he's got a bit of a throat piece i mean it adds to the collection of it under his chest on his chest but he's got a bit of a throat piece hey nothing hurt as much as the ribs did the throat piece hurts hey chris did the throat piece hurts hey chris did the throat beat hurt the ribs. Did the throat piece hurt? Hey, Chris, did the throat piece hurt? Hey, Chris, did the throat piece hurt? Yeah, but not as much as the fucking ribs. Dude, I don't care, man. You know what, dude?

You know what they say tattoos... I listened. I read this thing. I know exactly what a tattoo feels like. It feels like a cat is scratching you over and over and over again read that somewhere can't stop thinking about it maybe there's maybe the pros like isn't working all that well but um it is what it is man and i honestly um my contacts have been my contacts have been fucked up ever since we've been we had had couples there because I had to focus on the computer. But we had our Halloween party.

We had our Halloween party. I'm sorry if you weren't invited. I can't remember all of my friends. That's what I hate about inviting. I'm supposed to remember all my friends? My wife is like, who do you want to invite? Who do you want to invite? Who do you want to invite? And I'm like,

just, you know who? And she's like, yeah, but, and then throughout like the three weeks leading to the party, what about? And I'm like,

oh yeah, yeah. And then I say, a few days before the party, how many people are coming? And she said, I like 60. And I go, oh, for fuck's said, I like 60. And I go,

oh, for fuck's sake, dude, 60. I got to hide all my shit. Right. I got to put a fucking bunch of stuff in the safe. 60 people. Do you know what that means? There's going to be at least seven people. I don't know who they are. I don't have a clue. Dude, there were actually six people. I had no idea who they were. Oh, dude. How infuriating fucking blood red mad would this make you? Well, first of all, I put Calvin to bed in the middle of the party.

And I had to lay with him until he fell asleep because it was loud. And I did do that because I'm a good dad. I love doing it. And I had to lay with him until he fell asleep because it was loud. And I did do that because I'm a good dad. I love doing it. And I walked out. As soon as I walked out, I bump into Clark Kent with a Superman. Like, he's got the glasses on, open shirt, Superman. I go like this. I've never seen this person in my life, okay? I walk downstairs.

He starts, and I see him again. He starts talking to me. I don't know who I'm talking to. My wife goes, and I say, who's that? She said, oh, that's my friend's husband. I said, who's your friend? She said, my friend. he starts that i see him again he starts talking to me i don't know who i'm talking to my wife and i say who's that she said oh that's my friend's uh husband i said who's your friend she said my friend i know her from instagram i go well you don't even know the friend good thing i hit all my shit i don't need a man who's faster than the speed of fucking faster than a locomotive stealing my you know what i mean and so they're very sweet, though. Actually, I want to be their friends.

They're very sweet. But so this is the blood red mad part. David Sullivan, dude, fathead goes like this. Hey, man, how how how lit are you trying to get this party? Because I got some friends that could come by and I and I. But I don't even know. He here's the thing. He didn't text me that he texted

my wife that and he knows i would have just went fucking i would have sent him that emoji that red circle with the line through it or that red x just i would have it would have been that dude i walk by the island i see david's text from my wife's phone it's open by the way okay and it says how little you trying to get I got friends that could come to the party too. And my wife says, bring them. And I, so I'm like, oh, this motherfucker's trying to backdoor it, dude. He's trying to fucking Hollywood agent it. He's trying to get, cause he knows I'll say no. He knows I'll be like, and I don't want these motherfuckers, you know, she already said yes. So now pissed. All right right but it's cool because i

was bonkers connected this weekend and i'm all good but so he comes over okay we're chilling i put calvin to bed now it's 11 i come out of the fucking uh room it's 11 bump into clark kent we're chilling for a bit i go hey where's david wife says, I don't know. David's not there anymore. And then four people show up at my house and my wife says, who are they? And I say, I don't know. So I'm like, great. We're getting robbed. Okay. And then Brent finally is like, Brent Morin is like, hey, what's up? And I'm like, you know who they?

Oh, these are David's friends. I'm like, oh, so David, these are the people that David invited? Dude, these are the people that David invited. And David already left, dude. David left, and other people came that he invited. Bro, I lit him up on the text chain.

I go, he says, man, he said they could come ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. He says, man, he said they could come. They showed up at 1230, dude. A tall guy with mushrooms came. He had mushrooms, dude. He gave people mushrooms. That's fine, dude.

Do your shrooms, but like, dude, David, be here. He was just like a vampire, you know? I can't, dude. But I was too, I was, I was honestly, I was too, I was too happy, but like, it was just like so annoying, man. Hey, what's up, a guy? Hey, what's up don't dude if you go to a house you don't know somebody you don't say hey what's up you go hey man how you doing nice to meet you i'm fucking whoever i don't like being in other people's houses i I don't. It's like, it's not familiar to me. One time I was looking, because we were looking at, because we're building a house, so we were looking at houses that people, that contractors built.

And he was like, the contractor took me to the house. This was a few months ago. Took me to someone's house that he built, and they were home. I said, come on in. And they were so foreign that I don't even know what country they were from. It was just like, hello, how are you? And I'm just like, all right. Welcome around to wherever.

Okay. And then the contractor was like, look right. We'll come around to wherever. Okay. And then the contractor's like, look at this. Look at this. Look at that. See, these are the attention to details that other contractors won't get. Look at that. Look at the lights, how they're all lined up. Look at that.

And then this originally was like this. And I fucking made it like that. Just right there. But if you're going to have, you you know and i'm walking by and the lady's like hello and i'm just like i thank you for letting me i and i go thank you for letting me you know come in and look at the house and she goes like this and i'm like can we all just like chill a little bit i don't need to be in this house i could look at it show me pictures bro

you hear those dogs i'll tell you what my dogs have been went to a kennel they went into a kennel like uh um however many months ago when we went to it was a september october november uh it's two months you still got to do that by the way i fucking i always got to do and um they got kennel cough from there which is uh you know there's go i have here so they go like so much. And here's the deal. Kennel cough is something that you can keep catching. I have four dogs. So when one person, when one of the dogs is getting over it, the other dog gets it. They've had it for, for fucking since September, the beginning of September, two months, there's

always a dog. One of my dogs is going, that's how it ends. This is, this is the whole thing the kennel cough and my friends come over they're like is this fucking dog okay and i'm like it's fine dude he's fine you're not worried about it i'm like no that that's more annoying than the fucking thing and the big dog cooper when he gets it it's so loud and we wake up at 8 o'clock in the morning 9 times dude

I love life life rips I love life I didn't put on deodorant today I love life. Life rips. I love life. I didn't put on deodorant today. But I'll tell you what, I don't usually need to, but sometimes,

sometimes late at night, I'll fucking like put my arm around my wife and I'm like, are you eating a sandwich in here? And it's just because I didn't put deodorant on. Buy Berg water drilled from icebergs on Amazon.com. Go to my page if you want to purchase a 10-word ad or shout out. Holler.baby slash Chris D'Elia. Everyone keeps asking me this.

Am I going to get a Drakeke for all the dogs jacket and i'm looking at it right now and the answer is no you know pre-order that just like my special really rock, really rock Drake merch like it's like Banana Republic. Like, not like, look, merch is merch. You go to a Lil Yachty show, you're wearing the thing that is from Lil Yachty's show, and you know it. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're like, I got this shirt on from the Lil Yachty show and you know it you know I'm saying like you're like I got the shirt on from the Lil Yachty show and everyone's gonna look and they'll be like oh you're at the Lil Yachty show and I go yeah oh you got that yeah whenever you look at merch and you know the artist that the person's wearing for the merch you go like this oh oh right dude Drake Dude, Drake? His merch?

People wear it and they're like, I've been to Toronto, bro. People wear it and they're like, it's part of my outfit. That's so dorky. Because it's not, I mean, I guess it is its own brand, like October's very own. Wow, the headphones in the fucking tag. The headphones, you know? Uh. Uh. Wow, too many words on the jacket, dude.

What is it? A far game, faith my later, truth. Oh, these are the track album. These are the album tracks. The tracks. I like that he My Later, Truth. Oh, these are the track album. These are the album tracks, the tracks. I like that he did this, though. Oh, there's also Grow or Die merch that's available, by the way. And it's sick, dude. I'm like Drake.

Sick, isn't it? I'm not getting that jacket, though. I live in LA. I got to. I live in L.A. I got some cool jackets. I don't need to wear them, but I am going to the East Coast, so maybe I will start wearing them. Flava Filipe sang the national anthem. Oh, say can you see.

Oh. Fergie's like, finally. He's not a singer, dude. Like, watch how my Uncle Vinny do it. He's just not. I mean, way better than I thought he'd be, honestly. I mean, doesn't know when the word ends. Wow.

Strong. Oh, kind of nailing it, honestly. Wow. Stars. And bright stars. Kind of nailing it, honestly. Through the perilous fight. Oh, killed it. Dude, how about how the people who wrote this song, if they could flash forward and see how this guy's dressed singing this, they would just be like, you know what? They go like this.

They see him going like this. For the rain. So bad. But we watch. It's good when he gets the lower register he's good we're still gallant doesn't know when the word ends he's dreaming

wow some of the basketball players are laughing what dicks you know oh they didn't by the way they didn't fucking the best part i'm sure he ruined the rocket's red glare part right is that what rocket's red flare what is it i don't know i'm i'm not patriotic and the rock and and the rocket's red flare with bombs with bombs bursting in air. Gave true to the night. But the fucking guys were still there.

Oh, say. Does that star spangled banner yet? I get different with it. Banner yet, well. Um... Shout out to Flava Flav doing it though I wanted dude how crazy is it that Matthew Perry died in the hot tub

that's so sad he was so funny man through Perry died in the hot tub. That's so sad. He was so funny, man. I know he was battling an addiction, but I don't know if that had anything to do with it. I think he had a heart attack, they said,

in the hot tub and then drowned, which is wild. The heart goes out to him and his family and the friends goes out to him, and his family, and the friends cast,

you know, because that's probably weird for them, I never met him, God, he was like 54 or something, imagine that, imagine if fucking Brian Callen just died, that'd be so insane, Imagine that.

Imagine if fucking Brian Callen just died. That'd be so insane. Yeah, rest in peace. I guess Mike Pence dropped out. Dude, I can't believe Mike Pence was running, first of all. Hey, Mike Pence, out. Dude, I can't believe Mike Pence was running, first of all. Hey, Mike Pence, you know, you're going to lose 100%. Everyone thinks you're a complete bitch, you know. Nobody, like, at all thinks you're good to do it. And everyone who might will like Trump better.

You know? Mike Pence is the most regular-looking man I've ever seen in my life. He couldn't look like he plays golf more, and it honestly, he was never going to be president, and he knows. Man, why do people run for president when they just know they're not going to do it? They're not going to fucking do it. What is that thing?

Remember when the porn star was running? It's like, like hey you're not gonna win you have balloon tits you know like fucking probably bill nairan or something you know what i'm saying like there's always that one guy where it's like oh he ran oh yeah okay cool a comedian ran one time it's like you're not're not going to do it. Why are you doing it? You're spending time on this and money? Mike Pence, dude. Remember when the fly landed on his head? And that was it for him?

Dude, political political how fucking shitty are politics a fly can land on your head when you're giving an interview and you're done you know for real like for real you could just be like so dope and be like let me sit down for this interview well i'll tell you what we're going to do about taxes. And what it is, is, and you just keep talking about taxes and there's a fly just living on your head for a while. And then it goes, and you're, by the time you're done with the interview, they have a trillion memes and your political career is over, dude. You get out the interview, like, I think that went pretty well. And they're like,

a fly lived on your head for about 20 minutes. And the guy's like, great, I'm fucked. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Man, Nick, I'm so mad. Ha ha ha ha! Do you need help getting up? No. Are you able to get up on your own?

Yes. Okay. I want to leave now. I'm mad, Nick. Why are you mad? Because I just got out of jail today. This time I would suggest opening the door. So, Dick. Why are you mad? So dick. Wow, Mary Catherine Gallagher. I will.

Oh, dude. I will. Dude, this woman is so drunk. Darla. So we can roll out and you don't have to go to the jail. There's nobody else here at the house to take care of you. I don't need nobody. You just fell through a door.

Normal people don't fall through a door. You can't even. It's my door, she says. Dude, you can't even. It's so sad when no matter what the the other person says it sounds dick because of the situation you're in you know like well he just fell through a door like that is what happened and they're not even trying to be dick but they're so dick because of the situation because they have to yeah it's your door what i'm not you fell through it no not out of anger you fell through it

normal people don't fall through doors unbelievable dude the beginning of it dude look at he broke out my wound which one so slow the i mean it happened dude it happened so slow the whole fall happened during the pause of the last fucking time in that billy joel song where he pauses and goes in the middle of the night. That last pause is so long. That's how long it took for her to fall out of the door and into the shrubs, dude. Through the valley

it said, through the middle of the night I'm gonna be looking for something. And then, so I'm thinking I lost well over the old. And then, and then she goes, and then dude. And then And then Dude Man I'm mad In the middle of the night

Dude That's so If you know what I'm talking about You know what I'm talking about Let's watch it again here. Which one? Man, look, I'm so mad. Man, look, I'm so mad.

Dude, somebody please make a fucking thing of the, I guarantee that is so long, that's so slow, that it could have happened before the last pause in the middle of the night song by Billy Joel. The whole fall could happen in that last pause. That's how long it took. Somebody fucking edit that together, please. Wow, I used to love that song and when it did that big pause when i was like 12 i was like fuck yeah that's so awesome no i was probably like nine man i'm so mad am i making sense do you know what i'm talking about okay you do kiss in the screen The way he says

Are you okay ma'am Like it's Charles Grodin Are you okay ma'am The fire department Why the fire department dude You know Should I call Arby's for you ma'am Do you need some steak sandwiches

No okay We fell through a door Normal people don, ma'am? Do you need some steak sandwiches? No? Okay. We fell through a door. Normal people don't fall through a door. Would you like some... Would you like a bouzouki from BJ's? No? Okay. Normal people don't fall through a door. Okay.

Oh, man. Man, I'm so mad, she says. Mr. Smith Locksmith, Sydney, Australia, get secured, babies, 0410194208, go to my page if you want to purchase a 10-word ad or shout out, holler.baby slash Chris D'Elia, dude, I love this app, Kodak Black and 21 Savage have fucking beef dude the day has come I hate that they have beef

they're both really great guys and it sucks that they're having beef right let's see what they have to say 21 Savage 21 used to be straight that's true. That's true. shit like that like where i stay on like all that good shit all that other shit and then i don't know that that's how drake drake just got a certain like a little effect that he do the motherfucking shit because i after the album they did together and shit like that it was just like

hey hey dude hey dude come on hey hey man try a little bit you know i'm talking about sup with consonants. You got those? Hey, look, look, look. What we going to do? Hey, look, let's try it. Remember? Let's try it.

Let's try it. With that Drake. Drake doesn't want to put it all together. Hey, guy, dude. Did you ever have parents? Did you have teachers? Did you ever have parents? Did you have teachers? Did you ever have someone? Like, if I'm friends with somebody like that,

I go like this, oh my God, buddy, you got it, you got it, you have to, you have to start talking better. You know what I'm talking about? Like, who are the people in his lot? They're just going like this.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Oh. All of a sudden, motherfucker just felt like, you know what I'm saying? I don't know. All of a sudden, motherfucker felt like, you know what I'm saying? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know shit like you made this shit like you like you vocalize it for real for real on the ground and yeah on the internet like you are never

just waking up Just waking up. I don't know shit. How the fuck did the logo get there? Like that's what he said. Hey, this is beef? Imagine hearing that and going like this. Oh, that motherfucker crossed the line.

We've got an exclusive with Kodak Black. Hey, who? Who you want me to say future? Who? 21 Savage. Here we go. We got an exclusive interview with Kodak Black. Let's play a clip of some of the stuff that he had to say.

Kind of incendiary when it comes to the rap game. Why don't you have a look? What's that? Because 21 used to be straight. I sent that real Bible on the SG twice type shit. I'm saying, like, you know, sniper game, slaughter game, sniper game, sniper game, whatever. Okay, you know?

Imagine my dad listening to that. So here's 21 Savage's response which should just be what his response to 21 Savage's response goes what but his response here falling asleep I switched up. Come on, bro. First of all. Falling asleep.

Falling asleep. Falling asleep. Sweep. We're, we're, we're, we're supposed to switch. Like, we're supposed to change. Dude. These two guys. One just woke up and the other one's falling asleep.

Dude, unbelievable. Dude. I ain't grow up with you, nigga. I don't know you like that. You rap, I rap. I always supported you and shit. Watch this. I fucked up with your movement.

I fucked up with what you had on. What you had going on. I switched up. You getting your feelings because I'm on Clubhouse and they asked me, I can't even believe I'm doing music. Dude, you should never have,

if you have beef with somebody, never say Clubhouse. You know? Hey, children. You know what I'm saying? you know hey children you know saying meet me at my tree house dog after dinner if you allowed outside it get dark early remember we got shit on motherfucking live you i'm on clubhouse That's it, you know? Oh, wait, one more. Here, more.

Crying. Oh. Crying. Crying. Crying. Why are they bleeping out the ring with Shaquille O'Neal what okay well there you have it the exclusive interview hopefully they they iron out this beef man I can't I can't have them be saying much of that you know I can't have him be saying much of that, you know?

Wow, dude. Oh, God. Bro, Gavin Newsom twirling around doing that thing. Just fucking taking a China kid to town, dude. And spanking him for some reason. It's kind of sweet, dude. And then spanking him for some reason. It's kind of sweet, actually. Kind of sweet. People, because they hate him, they think like,

you know, fuck this guy. But it's totally normal. Normal. Look at that. He kind of has some moves, dude. But then he tripped. He's wearing loafers, you know? Oh, dude, but then he tripped. He's wearing loafers, you know? Oh, dude. Oh.

Okay. So bitch, you know? So bitch. Stop playing basketball when you're 40, at least by then, because unless you're doing, unless honestly you're playing, you know. No, because even then you should be retired. You know?

But Newsome fucking ate shit and took that China kid out. Oh, wait. One more here. RNs in Connecticut, we want you. www.promedstaffct.com. Go to my page if you want to purchase a 10-word ad or shout-out. Holler.baby.com. Do it.

Good. Oh. Here we go. Oh, is this a... This is an ad. Hold on. Here we go. A possible case of illegal dumping in the middle of the street made one neighbor very upset,

and he ended up chasing the person responsible on Detroit's east side. With no luck and a big mess on his hand, he called us for help. With no luck and a big mess on his hand. We first introduced you to Jeff Brown during 7 Action News at 5. Most regular name. He witnessed a man boldly dumping large chunks of wood from a flatbed. Oh my.

Along cows on Detroit's Eastside Tuesday in broad daylight. Look at all these trees. Brown says when he confronted the guy, the man took off. Brown tells us he jumped into action, got into his car, and tracked down the truck. I mean, dude, the worst fucking John Wick. The worst equalizer. Ehors Dikevich? Are you fucking shitting me?

Ehors Dikevich? I wish I knewitting me? Ehors Stakevich? I wish I knew about that name before my kids were born. I would have named him fucking Ehors to Leah. What? Ehors what? Stakevich. I'm going. I mean, you don't have to ask me.

And I don't take no orders from no woman, by the way. Ah! Ah! E-horse! By the way... That was great. A little illegal to leave the wood in the street. So what I'm asking is... The worst sunglasses

known to man, dude. Arnettes, you know? Arnays or whatever. You don't have to ask me, and I don't take no orders from no woman, by the way. By the way, I don't take no orders from no women. Dikevich says he was planning to go back and clean up the wood, but only had $1.

But then a woman asked him to, so he's leaving it there. Worth of gas. So worth of gas so you were saying that you were going back to clean up oh he horse the bevitz dude yes oh yes i'm mr clean up i'm not mr clean i'm mr clean up fucking vaudeville i mean went on the tiptoes to say that last part. I'm Mr. Clean up. And I live in Warren, and I'm cleaning up Detroit.

Go figure that one out. But somebody said that they tried to yell at you to come back, and you kept going. It must have been a woman, and I don't listen to women yelling. I tell them to shut up. The dude, Sadiq Farah. His wife left him eight months ago. He was quite offensive with his answers. Dukovic maintains.

The biggest truck, dude. He just wants to help people remove chunks of wood. I mean, just so many logs on his front lawn. I lift them all by myself with nobody else's help old guys disabled guys black guys white guys polish guys ukrainian guys and guys from mars also aliens guys from mars also oh okay oh her oh oh okay i from mars from mars yeah that's where i'm from mars Mars also. Oh, okay. Her. Oh, okay.

From Mars? From Mars. Yeah, that's where I'm from. Mars. And police are investigating what exactly happened out here and whether Sikhevich is responsible or whether he'll face... Dude, his wife said, I'm leaving you. And they got in a huge fight. And she's like, oh, get out.

She's like, you're so fucking crazy. It's like you're from Mars. And like, he can't get over it. Any charges? On Detroit's east side, Tara Edwards, 7 Action News. Claims he hit a curb and the debris accidentally fell out. It's a little illegal to leave the wood in the street. So what I'm asking is.

You don't have to ask me. And I don't take no orders from no woman, by the way. By the way, I don't take no orders from no women. So many negatives. She was planning to go back and clean. Okay, hold on. I live in Warren and I'm cleaning up Detroit. Go figure that one out.

But somebody said that they tried to yell at you to come back and you kept going. It must have been a woman and I don't listen to women yelling. I tell them to shut up. Well, he was. The most fucking maladjusted man in the history of humans, you know?

It was no woman that was no saying no. Nobody tells me no what to do. No woman. Go figure that one out. Wow, this guy's great. Wow, that guy's great. wow, this guy's great. Wow, that guy's great.

That one's funny. Sending it to my friends. I dressed up as a milkman at my Halloween party and my wife dressed up for as a 50s housewife and it was cool it was couples costume people didn't really know it dude they thought I was being an ice cream man which really fucking made me annoyed

and then I said to people why do people think I'm an ice cream man and people said well you mean you could be an ice cream man? And people said, well, I mean, you could be an ice cream man. And I said, there's a cow on my hat. And they said, well, there's milk and ice cream. And I said, yeah, but that's not the fucking, that's not the thing, honestly. I'm a fucking milk man, obviously, dude.

How crazy is it that people used to just deliver milk? People used to deliver milk and also what a racket you don't even need milk you know you don't need milk you certainly don't need it to be delivered what a bullshit job it's like a will smith movie like we're a fucking you know he makes those movies about people with fake jobs like a hitch like what is that movie hitch a guy who helps people find people that's not a job dude certainly not from a guy some like housewife in in in maine would have that job not will smith 38 when he shot it you know how about in the scene when they're like come on man you're gonna help me get laid and he's like

whoa that is not what i do it's like all right bro you know dude that movie fucking sucks and i never even seen it i just know that one scene um but yeah dude what was i talking about uh oh yeah so i was a milkman dude all right and it will be past halloween when this comes out but i will be randall trick-or-treating with my son who's gonna be mike wazowski from monsters inc and billy's gonna be sully and my wife was gonna be another person for the... another person from the Monsters, Inc. However,

she shipped it to the wrong address. So she... Who knows what she's going to be? She's going to be on her own thing. Skitface Podcast. Two London boys create side-splitting comedic sketches. Go to my page if you want to

purchase a 10-word ad. Holler.baby.crystallina. Dude. Halloween's only cool if you have kids. I was thinking about this the other day. I saw a fucking guy dressed up for Halloween walking around alone, like a man, like 40. And I'm just like, no, you know, like have kids kids dress up and then also sluts beyond that nothing like if you are a lady and you want to hoe it up one year and be like a sexy army vet or whatever the fuck you know

with like a gi joe hat and your tits all out fine Fine. Kids. Halloween is for kids and hoes. I saw a 40 year old man walking around dressed as like a vampire. And I'm just like, for what? Who's this for? If you're going to a party, fine, fine, I guess, but also don't have that elaborate of a costume. It's just hurry up. If you're 40 and you're a dude and you're dressed up and you don't have kids, hurry up and splurting a woman. That's all I'm saying, man, because it's weird as shit you're dressing up. It is. And I stand by that, dude. And I like when people are happy and you be you, ultimately, of course. But dude, I'll say it again. Halloween is for kids and hoes.

Halloween is for kids and hoes. Really weird, dude. Like a 50-year-old man is just going to be a cowboy one day out of the year? Hey, not in a woman. I'm not in a Halloween Although my wife went all out with the decorations And I was like okay cool she went all out with the decorations And that's great And then it's like

Now I'm keeping my tabs on the fucking Christmas decorations Because if that shit goes bonkers She's like I really will go all out For one holiday a year Mark my words we'll see If we go bonkers for one holiday a year dude mark my words we'll see we'll see if we go bonkers for christmas we'll see dude she says oh dude she's had the nerve to say today maybe i'll just put up one christmas tree this year dude i go have you ever met yourself we've got four trees in the garage. What are you just going to leave them there?

She says, me, I don't know. Maybe we'll go simple. Hey dude, have you ever met yourself? Hey, look in the mirror,

extend your hand, shake it. That's you say nice to meet you now decorate too much because that's what happens. I couldn't even, I couldn't even believe she said it, but she really kills it, man. I mean, the fucking stuff looked amazing. So go fuck yourself, right? Last one, Lonely Design Co. Illustration and Design Custom Work Limited Drops. Go to my page if you want to purchase a 10 word ad or shout out. Holler.baby slash Chris D'Elia.

Dude, thanks for rocking with me. That new ads thing is the shit. I don't have ads, and that's how I'm doing them from now on. Yeah, I appreciate you guys listening. And I will tell you this, dude. My special is out. So go below and click the link and go get it. I am really proud of it

and I'm really excited for you to watch it and support. And don't steal it, dude. You know? I mean, I know there's always ways to get around it, but it's like, I worked fucking hard on that shit.

So, get it. You know? Thanks a lot. And I appreciate you uh and that's it for youtube if you want to listen to the rest of the episode the uncut episode the uh ad free episode go to uh patreon.com slash crystalia um that's how you get that and you can also listen to we have one episode uh extra a month that for patreon you can also listen to, we have one episode extra a month that for Patreon, you can go get it over there. And there's so many of them.

Now, if you want to go listen to them, you pay six bucks. This is all 30 or 40 of them right now that we have in the past, however many months. Appreciate you guys. Thanks a lot. you