Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 350. The Sexies

Episode Date: November 30, 2023

MY NEW SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😮 Get 10-word ads at holler.baby/chrisdelia 😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content... come over to Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week the always wonderful Kristin joins Chris for a discussion about football, decorating, southern accents and so much more. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk. Coming up, go to chrisdalia.com. And then check out my special, Grow or Die, at chrisdalia.com. You can go stream it now. The links are all provided below. And I guess that's it. You know, I decided this is, well, you know, I usually do a solo thing. And I've never really had anybody on this podcast except for my family. And also David Sullivan. That's our family. Yeah, kind of, in a way.

Well, he's not technically he came to our thanksgiving i know but i'm italian so it's like family is family you know so when you say stuff like to calvin or billy talking to my phone he says with calvin or billy like they're our family too and the italian in me goes like this nah not for nothing but no they're not but anyway uh anyway, this is my family. Welcome Kristen to the podcast because I wanted to have her on. And that's that. Part of the reason why I wanted to have her on is to shake things up.

But also, I know a lot of you sometimes like when she comes on. But also, Christmas is coming up and she loves Christmas. So I figured that we could do some sort of a christmas thing but then also she loves christmas and so she decided to without even really me knowing decorate for christmas in my podcast now you love decorating talking to the microphone okay but make sure it's just close to your mouth get it close to your mouth you don't have it on your teeth no okay. Okay. Hey, babe. What's up? Wow. So, yeah, but.

Honey, I'm talking to you. I know, I know, I know, but I'm just saying. You're stressing me out. But you like to decorate. Oh, yeah. Okay, so. It's my absolute jam. Wow.

There is nothing whiter than what you just said, seeing you the way you said it in this aesthetic. Look at my earrings. That's my absolute jam. These are really the thing I want to show. By the way you said it in this aesthetic, that's my absolute jam. These are really the things I want to show. By the way, you look great. Thanks.

I have my, do you see? Yeah. I saw it. Yeah. I saw the other one. Yeah. What are they? They're both the same.

They're ornaments. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What are they? Like I'm Calvin. I know. Well, because I know some people just listen. Oh, I see.

She knows what's up, dude. So you can describe them. Yeah. So, all right. Well, Christmas is know some people just listen. Oh, I see. She knows what's up, dude. Yeah, so you can describe them. Yeah, so all right. Well, Christmas is coming up, and that's cool. Let me do a little ASMR description for the audio listeners. Of what? Of what the podcast looks like right now. ASMR?

Oh, like you're going to whisper it? Yeah. Okay. So welcome to the new Christmas podcast studio for this episode. We have a beautiful runner on the desk that's green and white tweed kind of woven together. I have a Mama Claus coffee cup. We have some twinkly candles on the desk. A beautiful fur faux Christmas tree behind us.

A Merry Christmas picture. Some bells and a Christmas thing. And a snowman that my toddler is very upset that I moved. Okay. That was good. I don't know if that counts as ASMR. But, you know, it's nice. And you are in your element when you're in a thing like that.

This is crazy how, honestly, I am like a man. And a lot of men listen to this podcast and they're like, fuck yeah, Chris Lee's the man. I am not the man here right now. You decorated my shit like Christmas. And I didn't even know, really. I came in and I'm like, okay, cool. And a lot of people are going to think, hey, Chris is a bitch made because of this.

I would actually think, see, that's, if they're like beta males. No, it's not. There's no. No, let me, let me. All right. If they're like not fully in their manhood. I get it.

That is what they would think. If they're fully in their manhood, they're like, wow, that's amazing that he's at a place where like his wife is doing these things and they're creating these things together and they're happy together you just described a woman and that is what a woman thinks a man thinks like oh look at this bitch shit you know the producer nodded but i don't but yeah but and i don't but i don't i don't it's fine i'm like i'm on my bitch made shit when i'm on it like Like I'm fine with it. But there are dudes that are going to be like, oh fuck, look at this.

And they're going to be pissed. But like. And that's fine. But they just got to wait till next episode. Because I'll clean this shit out. I'll make it more. Dude, next episode, I'm going to come back. There's going to be all sorts of shit.

Like there's going to be like Phil Collins posters. there's gonna be like uh phil collins posters and i'm just gonna be the man but that would require you to do something i'm not gonna do it i'm gonna ask you to do it yeah and or you know whatever i don't know but here's the thing like i'm thinking of like cavemen manly men if they went back to the cave and it was just men yeah first of all well yeah that would be gay sure and second of all if they came back to their cave, it would be like trashed and dirt everywhere. The fact that like a man could go out and hunt and get your elk, bring it back. And then the cave is like nice and cozy and warm because his wife made it that way. That's family.

The caveman wife made it that way. But also. Yeah. To like bag a wife like that. No, I understand. But you also literally bag bag a wife like that no i understand but you you also literally bagged a wife back then you'd put her in a bag and drag her to your your your uh cave um but no i don't i i get it but i also think that you're describing a woman still you don't first of all

no men say they only want men around, right? There's no parties where it's like, dude, no chicks allowed, only dudes. Some guys like that. Who? Some, babe, your hangouts are like that. But that's not, yeah, but I, okay, so I'm married though. But like I'm saying, when somebody is just a single dude, they don't want only dudes around. Sure, yeah.

And then also, if you put that dude in an apartment or in a house and you say, hey, bro, single guy, do whatever you want, that house is going to stay like that. And they're going to have a couch and a TV and that's it. And that's... Sad. No, okay, but it's sad. But to you, a woman, a guy the guy's gonna go like this what you're gonna you say you're gonna decorate this and guys go like this what it's all done got the tv got the couch i know and that's really like the flaw in the male psyche

that's the flaw in the male i mean there's so many but like there are but we're talking there's something about but i fucking do crazy with this pistol squats though babe no we're not going there okay there's so many things that men feminize and decide that like that's not well yeah of course manly just like crying sure but like yeah i'm saying also like making your house nice and warm and cozy it's considered a feminine thing yes so like my experience as a girl living with other girls shout out i'm trying to think my last my last roommate lauren perkins yeah sweetie angel also great very hot and, we should do a dating show. We should do a dating show? Yeah.

Have her be like our bachelorette. That's, okay. This is congratulations to the podcast. That's something completely different that I also don't want to do. Be a nice little twist, though. I don't want to have a dating show. Anyways, when I was living with Lauren, I remember we would decorate for the holidays and we would have nights where we would just stay in.

We'd drink a glass of wine. We'd do our laundry together. I maybe slept in my own bed twice. I would only sleep in her bed. And she would sleep in yours? Yeah. We'd cuddle and we'd snuggle. So you'd still sleep in opposite beds?

We just wanted to be together. You're not getting the joke. God damn it. She's in her nostalgia. I'm saying she she slept in your bed you said in her bed like at different times at the same time i get it but okay well no it's not that funny but you you have to at least acknowledge it sure sure sure sure oh anyway we did this and we cut off yeah so do it and it was lovely and like imagine a guy coming home and like crying in his roommate's lap like that's an impossibility i would coming home and like crying in his roommate's lap

like that's an impossibility i would come home and just have like a little bit of a hard day and i'd just be like hold me and hold me and it was so lovely and warm and cozy dude men need to it's that's not uh embrace coziness but what about the like being like sick with it and like dope what about like coming home and being all like yo that day was so shitty all i want to do is ball out all i want to do is get some fucking i'm not even into this but some dudes might be like spinach dip the tostitos and i want to watch the game i don't watch the game but that's that's like a dude. And someone goes like this. How was work? And you go like this.

What? Shut up, dude. Look. It's third down. That's what they do. Because let me tell you something, man. It's so. You have to, I guess, experience what it is you're actually feeling.

But, man, I'll be damned. Do you? Because you could just. No. You could just be like hey problems get out of here I don't do I have problems yeah but do I yeah no and you know what babe I'm gonna ball that with the spinach dip that worked out fantastic I'm saying you can you can do that though there are guys who do that successfully And then just like Die at like 82

I didn't do it successfully I obviously You know A lot of my shit is like Arms length Humor Humor You know

Like Like But like When it comes to Dudes Yeah They can do that successfully For 80 85 years Sure And then just be like i was a dude peace out

and then yeah the wife is like oh man but here's the thing i wish she cried more no that's actually not what happens what happens is the guy celebrates his 20th wedding anniversary and then he goes to work and then he comes home with a note saying that she left because she's been asking him for the same things for 20 years and he's just been bearing it and not listening to her and so then he is sad and lonely for the last 20 years but i will agree too many laura linney movies dude oh my god but i i do agree well most women initiate divorces i think it's like 70 percent well and the majority of them cite exhaustion. Yeah, but that's because women are always exhausted. You know why? Because they love busying themselves with shit.

They do, dude. They always do shit like, ugh, ugh. How many women? Ring that bell behind you so I can start boxing you. No. How many women go like this? Ugh, ugh.

The kids and I had to take the thing and then we had to do this and you and okay and really the only thing you have to do is the shit you have to do but women will be like oh you have no idea i had to go find uggs oh my god i had to go get the plants to give to the lady because to say thank you you don't even need to do all that shit and then they'll be like you know what i'm so exhausted from all the shit that i made up i'm gonna divorce my husband yeah and we're the bad guy honey i know you're joking but like what percentage of you for real believes that that guy that meme who was that i don't know i'll find it that's a meme yeah what is it? Yellow suit. Oh, Spice Adams. He's funny.

What percentage of me believes that? Oh, dude. Well, no. You would have to say, what percentage of women do I think are like that? No, because that's a... It'd be a ridiculous... No, I said what I said.

It'd be a ridiculous thing to think that even one woman was completely like that. But there are. Yeah, I guess you're right. Dude, there are... You're telling're right dude there are you're telling me oh god damn dude i mean half of women are probably like that christopher fighting words but you're not like that i hope but like but like, but like. What do you mean you hope? You've known me for seven years. No, no, no.

But yeah, I'm saying like you can still leave me, but I'm saying like because of exhaustion. No, not. You can still leave me because of exhaustion. Yeah. Because, but really what it is, is you went to Michael's too many times. The craft store. You did, you stopped doing that, dude. That.

Imagine after all we've been through that, if that was like how you rectified it in your head, because you couldn't come to grips with your own consequences that you face. And you're like, you know what? She just went to Michael's too many times and left my ass. Michael's is a craft store that she goes to all the time. And she's not going to leave me because of exhaustion. Because it's not. No, no, no.

Because that's the shit. Women are gatherers. And they take a bunch of shit. And and they fucking gather and they got to go out and get the stuff. And the guys are the hunters, but the women gathered all together. And before you know it, they're like, oh man, this is too much.

I divorce you. And it's not even the dude. A lot of women do it. Yes. Next topic. Dear Lord, please help me get through this in peace without strangling my husband, my sweet husband, who I still love. Amen. Dear Lord, please let me get through this in pieces.

Well, here's where I think you're fought. See, but, okay. And I want to hear this. Trust me. I really want to hear this. But I am so done with this conversation. And go ahead. Who are you?

No, no, no. I don't even mean like moving on. I mean like keep going. But like I think I am done paying attention. Sure. But I'm being loving. Which would be a reason if you did that consistently that women would leave it yeah talk to the microphone and go ahead and what are you going to say about the

the flaws go ahead i want to hear it well i'm just saying your flaw specifically is of course over the years because you know you have a thing with women some deep-seated issues surrounding women babe what um i mean without getting like too nitty gritty about it but you have had some misconceptions about women that when i've of course heard them heard you discuss them with me and in couples therapy me and the therapist are both like this okay you like actually have to stop doing that meme face all right just do it the whole time that you actually believed that like when you said sushi gave you stomach aches and i thought you were lying because you didn't want sushi yeah because that's something that you would do ah you know what, dude? That gives me stomach ache.

Fuck, bro. Listen. All right, look. Can we talk about like pants or something? Sure. Okay. You need new ones. No, I don't need new pants.

How dare you say I need new pants when you know my pants are ill as shit and they're new? Okay. A lot of my pants are new, okay? I have baggier ones and I have tighter ones. And Igier ones and i have tighter ones and i have short ones and i have fucking crazy short pants like fucking shorts like shorts yeah right and then i have crazy cool kind of pants and different patterns sure so i want you to

actually take that back okay i take it back okay so but it's so the other thing is, you love decorating. Actually, you should talk about your Cozy Robe YouTube channel. Oh, yeah. Because you decorate for Christmas. You've got makeup tutorial. And you did a bunch of other shit. Yep. And you're releasing videos.

So anyway, subscribe to her shit. What is it? Cozy Robe Media. Cozy Robe Media. Yeah. Cute, dude. Yeah. Yo, you really do be decorating and people

really do like you're decorating man i kept telling you to do this shit yeah well i it's just a lot of effort and i know and i don't you know what it is i put all the effort into the decorating and into the thing into the parties into the whatever i'm doing for my kids and the idea of then filming it and putting it online is like- It's a process. Well, that's just something I don't enjoy doing generally. So I'm trying to find a way to enjoy it. Like I only enjoy doing the thing.

Like I enjoy doing the activity with Cal, but then like- I totally get it. Filming and editing it, it's like, I don't want to, you know what I'm saying? When I shoot my special, I'm done after that. You have to edit it. You have to do all the shit i don't want

to they send me the link they say hey can you look at this and i go yeah and i don't look at it i go to the director who was matt you know and i say oh uh sam too directed it but i say is it good and they go yeah dude at the last minute i was like i i have to watch this i have to i watched it and i realized that they used a part in a in this in the second show and i was like oh it was way better than the first show and i was like you guys can we move it and they moved it and it was so much better i almost let it go i don't want to do the after shit so bad because it's about the time that you have in the room and the process of right creating what you're creating but dude when i have to make a special i i don't i don't i don't care i i feel like like chris rock did it live i feel like that's cool. Like the problem is, you'd be so good at that.

The problem is it suffers though. Like it definitely suffers that way. Like, cause Chris Rock recut it and made it the way he wanted to make it after it was live. And, and like, if I didn't do what I did,

it would have suffered. Yeah. But I, I just, I, I, I don't want to do stuff. I don't want to do so bad.

Yeah, that's the lid saying. Dude, so bad. It's a deeper. But what the fuck though? I know. Like, dude, I don't want to do stuff that I don't want to do so bad, that I won't do it for so long. It'll cost me money. It'll cost me problem stress.

And I just won't do it dude yeah sup with that well you're a therapist not yet but no remember when i asked you um because when i was doing this i filmed a makeup tutorial today yeah and i asked people on my instagram. It's at KristenTaylorCA, K-R-I-S-T-I-N. And I asked people to ask questions that were therapy related. It could be about them. It could be about questions in my life. Stuff like that. But that's unlike you.

But anyway. It's all I think about is human behavior. I know. I asked you one of the questions that I kept getting that was repeated, which was, how do I get my husband to either go to couples therapy or to just do regular therapy on his own? Yeah. And you're the king of not wanting to do stuff that you don't want to do. So I was like, as someone who is now, quote unquote, therapized, you see the benefits of it. Yeah, definitely.

Even though you went in kicking and screaming. Right. What was the thing that you said to me? Well, I said two things. I said, there's only two options. You can only say, hey, I want you to do therapy. If you don't do therapy, I can't be with you. A boundary.

A boundary, yeah. Or you can try to be like, well, I mean. Oh, no, it was the quote from rehab that you said that really stuck with you. That resonated with me? Yeah. Oh. Oh, I didn't know you were talking about that. Doing something that you keep doing

even though you want to do it could make your life worse. You have to stop and be like, wait, this thing that I keep doing is only making my life worse even though i want to do it like you know people do heroin they love doing it they want to do it but it's only making their life worse yeah you if you don't do that and do the things you don't want to do then it will eventually make your life better like not doing heroin and doing meetings and doing you know recovery work if you do that shit even though you don't want to it makes your life better and once

you realize and you're out of that fucking spinning chaos yeah you know that's what you should lead with now i still you know don't want to do stuff and i struggle with it but dude i was there was there's the difference between the thinking brain and the uh emotional and and that way the thinking brain and the reptilian no no no the thinking brain and the um uh what the fuck was it the thinking brain and the it was it was it was about um what was that book I was telling you about? Oh, yeah. Not Giving a Fuck. Oh, yeah. Everything is fucked book.

Thinking Brain. Chris did a meeting the other day, and he heard about a book that they were reading. It's Mark Manson. He's great. And he was talking about how much it meant to reading. It's Mark Manson. He's great. And he was talking about how much it meant to me and it was so cute. I was talking about how much it meant to me?

Well, just like the quotes that you're reading from the book how it was like inspiring and it was so cute hearing you talk about it. And the what brain? Emotional brain? I hate this that I don't know, dude. Oh, wait here hold on um you just cut that no we don't have to cut it i mean we're looking it up you can talk oh wait the the the emotions are in my notes are it's hot as hell it's so hot in here

but that's how it is though feeling brain the thinking bread in the brain in the feeling brain that's what it is and it was saying that um you want to think you think the thinking brain you you think the feeling brain is, you think the thinking brain is in control, but it's not in control. Yeah. Because you think you're thinking it and you're like, oh, but you still do the things that you feel you want to do. Totally. So it's like you, we have this fallacy of you think that your thinking brain is in charge, but it's not. And you just have to realize that it's a balance between

the two of them and when one is turned on and when one is turned off and whatever anyway that's so it was it was interesting but um and i'm not good at retelling stuff but on my feet yes you are i am oh my gosh you're the best well i'm good at retelling stuff for a comedy sake yeah but not enough for like if i know you really are because i think deep deep down I'm dumb. I know. And so I don't I get like insecure and I start being like oh this is making a joke of it. That was like one of the biggest

like mind blown deeper huh? Mind blown moments when you when I found out that you like deep down thought you were dumb. Well

I think I'm really smart when it comes to certain things. I know. But not smart things. It's not how it works. Yeah. Okay, sure, I guess. What?

You're saying if you're smart, you're smart? Is that why you don't want to do things? You don't want to apply yourself? Because then it would like... Not... I mean, maybe in some instances, yes. But... Right?

Because... Well, I was thinking about this today, like the thinking brain on that i overthink and a lot of my therapy in the last couple years has been understanding how i react after some kind of crisis like i don't i immediately go into thinking planning managing how can we fix x y and z thinking that i have some sort of control over what's going to happen and wanting so bad for the worst thing not to happen and trying my very best but really what i should be focusing all the energy on because there's very little that you can actually do is bettering myself and getting to a better place with me so that when anything happens, no matter good or bad,

I'm in integrity and I can trust myself and I know how to move forward. And that's energy much better spent. Oh. I was trying to think of the right way to word it. Oh, that's energy much better spent foreign oh i was trying to think of the right way to word it but that's energy much better yeah rather than like trying to manipulate my environment and fix people and change people and change things and like that's so first of all it doesn't work usually you can't change anyone and very rarely can you change your environment if something is happening but you can change yourself yeah i guess so you're talking about uh like the trans issues

no yeah you can change yourself into a female or a male i think that was what they're trying to say except for people on fox news don't say that uh yeah so anyway i'm i'm a i'm a male i'm a red-blooded american male you know hell yeah you know what i'm saying hell yeah i'm a red-blooded American male, you know Hell yeah You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah I'm a red-blooded American male I'm from the south You are

Is my accent good? It's not the southern that I'm used to Yeah, but when you get down south When you get real down south Boy, you run into my kind No, you do like your And it's too sharp It's like very loose What? It's like What the fuck did you just's too sharp. It's like very loose. What?

It's like. What the fuck did you just say to me? Hey sweetheart, how are you? It's not like. Hey sweetheart, how are you? Heart. Hey sweetheart. No, like hey sweetheart. Hey sweetheart. Hey sweetheart. Hey sweetheart. Yeah. How are you? What the fuck did you just say to me, sweetheart?

Hey, chivalry may not be dead, but you're about to be if just say to me sweetheart hey chivalry may not be dead but you're about to be if you talk to me again like that oh is that good was that sexy that's sexy but but but i was threatening you so it's not sexy right what is it though you know what i mean why do women like a guy that's like like i was watching that squid games challenge and i'm like the dude in it that's the dick the 432 number 432 that dude that was just but like that's the guy you'd fuck here's the thing there we go she's got the thing locked and loaded i want to know well because that's the guy you'd fuck no okay but this is going back to like the flawed thinking because your your aim for years and years and years and years and years was to be the guy that girls fucked.

Blah, blah, blah. Right? Yeah. But that's what you look for that in a guy as being like the Holy Grail for what a woman would want. Wow. But it's just because she's initially attracted to that like dominant energy doesn't mean that she actually wants to like be with them or even that she even likes them. Like I can think of guys in my past that were just like douchebags, but like they were hot and like, you know. Whatever, dude.

You never had sex with anyone until I came along because I'm the man. But you don't walk away from those experiences being like, oh, that was like, he was so sweet and lovely. Like the guy that I remember from my past is not a guy that I like really hooked up with. It was a guy that took me out on my first date. His name was Dave. He's an angel. What a dork. He's married now with a baby.

Dork. No. And he walked me to to he walked up to my door brought me flowers on our first date took me to dinner was so kind and that's like the thing that actually you you want but why did and you hooked up with him years and years and years later man that flower game it takes a long time huh i brought you flowers huh and then and then so you did late years later though yeah nice well not and not even really i think we just kissed i can't remember dude yeah see that's how not memorable he was dude i bet you remember the dude that was babe i'm telling you about the most memorable thing

yo what up ma wow you have that what's that thing where the bias confirmation bias confirmation genius um what uh i have confirmation bias yeah dude i'm all in with that confirmation bias well we all are really yeah but me okay dude i'm just saying, man. It's like, ah, man. For years, it's just been like, man, I'm going to wet it up. What's that mean? I'm going to make people really attracted. Ew.

Isn't that cool? No, you're a dad. Now? I'm not trying to make people attracted now. But it's just like, I am what I am, man sure i'm a little fat so you think i have body dysmorphia it's either or the most black and white guy of all time just no room i am 43 I want I want to be more fit But you keep making pasta

So what's up dude? Oh god What's up in the mic? What's up? Honey you're not fat Okay I'm not fat The only alarming thing Is as someone who has been with you for a very long time,

when you get obsessed with things, things can go awry. Dude. And you in the gym, it's like- I love the gym. An absolute love story, which is great for, like, you're working out, you're feeling better about yourself, your mental health's great, it's giving you endorphins, all these great things. But it's more the amount of time that i see focused on it like you're on the couch scrolling like buff guys like looking to see you're putting it on youtube

like whatever cow's watching you like switch it out so you can watch this guy do curls your mom workouts yeah it's like a, you are like so go hard. I go a hundred miles an hour or zero miles an hour. I have, I do. I don't like that too. Maybe that's why we get along. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I do stuff at the gym that people come up to me and they go like, what are you doing?

And I say, you don't know nothing about this, bro. Do you feel pride in that? I mostly want people to leave me alone at the gym. So no. People come up to me all the time at the gym though they say they're fans and that's nice or they say are you using that and that's fine because it's a quick one no i'm not using that go ahead bro or nah i actually am using that but you want to jump in always you want to jump in because when i go to the gym and i see somebody using equipment and i say hey man how many more you got left of that and they go i've just started and they don't ask if i want to jump in? Always you want to jump in. Because when I go to the gym and I see somebody using equipment and I say, hey, man, how many more you got left of that? And they go, I just started.

And they don't ask if I want to jump in. Ooh, your boy gets fucking hot. Your boy gets hot. Let me, what's up? You got the leg extensions going on? I don't see another leg extension thing here. So let me jump in with you, bro. You're just going to sit on there in your breaks?

I get real passionate about shit man and you know what happens when i go to the gym with you two things one you want me to work out with you but i get it i get intimidated over and the guy thing it's just like it's a gym i know but like there's i can't i know you know what it is it's i'll never understand it's just being a woman is it? Because you're just constantly on alert? I feel like I'm having to watch my back and look everywhere, and there's just guys buff and whatever. Yeah, you have to worry about getting kidnapped and shit. Yeah. Isn't that weird, though? I've never been kidnapped, but it's so subconsciously-

If you're walking up a staircase, and there's a fucking dude walking down a staircase, you go, this is it. This is where I get taken. Yeah. I don't go like that. Yeah. I go like this. This is where i get taken yeah i don't go like that yeah i go like this this is where i take this man do you know i'm gonna take this man you know i wonder if this is an that's the guy we have in our bedroom who the guy i took from the lowes stairwell lows yeah i was at lows when i got the generator anyway you would never

get a low i got the generator at lows so jokes on never get a Lowe's. I got the generator at Lowe's, so joke's on you. I made you go though. Okay, well, and I didn't want to, and I didn't want to so bad. But I wonder if this is a thing with all women or just with me, but whenever I'm in a situation where I clock a guy that either is looking too long

or I just get a weird feeling about, I know all girls experience that, but I always say some version of the same thing to myself. And I'm like, I hope this motherfucker tries me right now. I hope to God. The meme of the black kid like. What if a fucking bell's here? That's fucked up.

You know that meme though? No. Can we put that in slow motion with like a thing behind it? But what the fuck is the thing? We put bells behind my head. Then why are you walking? You're such an idiot. Well, dude, I mean, I didn't even know this was here it's fine it's fine but you put fucking big

bells behind my head you tried to uh booby trap me oh babe now this is the thing where it's like. I'm in my element. Just relax. Just relax. It's all right. What does it even say? Joy, love, peace, believe, Christmas. Ho, ho, ho. That's okay. But what are we talking about, though?

No, dude. Oh, I hope people try me. Why? Because he'll just take you. No, it's. You'd have to pee all over yourself. No, I don't actually want that. Yeah.

It's that I'm hyping myself up. I hope this motherfucker takes me. I'll live with this motherfucker. I'm going to decorate his house so hard. Oh, dude, I wish this motherfucker would take me. His house needs help. I have so many different game plans of what I would say and do. You go, take off the thing.

You need a ficus over there. Plug in some lights over there. Trust me, trust me. This place will benefit from lamps. It has too much overhead lighting. We have to kill her. We didn't even want to, but she's just trying to decorate the place too much.

No, they would like it. So anyway, what were you saying? About the... I wish they would. Why I wish they would? Oh, I think it's like my way of like hyping up like if i have to actually be in that situation there's also something if i'm with cal like and that happens this feeling that comes over me like if someone were to even come

yeah three inches away from me i feel like i could away. Yeah, but that's not a real thing. I know, but I think that in my head. My point is piss yourself if something happens because nobody wants to take somebody all pissy. Piss hard and shit if you can. That's the least of their worries. And some guys are into that. Okay. That's not the least of their worries though.

What if it's the golden shower killer and then i just absolutely screw myself jizzes and he goes on never mind you know i guess someone else dude i want to go back to you saying that's the least of their worries that's never the least of anyone's worries if you shit your pants and then the guy has to deal with that you said shitting your pants i said piss and, unlike you, I can't go potty on command out of my bum. And who's going to live a long, healthy life without getting taken? Because I can shit immediately. If some dude tries to take me, as they chloroform me, I go.

Just shitting. And I wake up in the stairwell just like, I knew that would work. Just stinks so bad. My own shit wakes me up. I can shit whenever I want. I can do it right now. Have we talked about this on the podcast? I don't think so.

Yeah, we've talked about it on the podcast. Have we? No, I have. Have we been poop on demand? No, you have talked about it on Instagram, I think, but not the podcast. Not on Instagram. Whatever it was, you posted a story about it or something like that. People know about it.

Just the little turd in the toilet. No, that's disgusting. People know about it. I can do that whenever I want. I think I've talked about it on the podcast without you. Okay, well, let'sd in the toilet. No, that's disgusting. People know about it. I can do that whenever I want. I think I've talked about it on the podcast without you. Okay, well, let's just revisit the story. Okay. Okay, because it's a quick one.

You said that you could go potty out of your bum on demand. I don't even like saying poop. It's gross. Yeah, I don't like that. You know what I like worse than poop? Poo. Oh, yeah. It's like finish the word.

That's disrespectful. Okay, I'll just say potty out of your bum and you said that you could go potty out of your bum on demand and i said there's no way because that's not a thing that people can do and you said yes i can and i said then do it right now and you said are you serious i said yeah and you went in there and i heard like and then four minutes later there was just a little little baby turd i evacuated a little bit of it. Yeah. I was shocked and in awe. I'm about my business, man.

Yeah. That's good, though. I go five times a day. I mean, I have gone more than that. No diarrhea. Not even diarrhea. Not even because I have a problem. I'm eating clean, and my shit is a well-oiled machine. Okay. So what were you going to say? I forgot to say the other thing that I'm eating clean And I still just My shit is a well oiled machine

Okay So what were you going to say? I forgot to say the other thing That I'm embarrassed about When I go to the gym When I go with you Okay Our gym is fairly large

Yeah Don't say which gym though Of course Yeah And I Can hear this man No matter where I am

If I am on the treadmill If I am on the stair stepper If I'm doing curls Whatever I'm doing I hear this man no matter where I am. If I am on the treadmill, if I am on the stair stepper, if I'm doing curls, whatever I'm doing, I hear this man and he is so loud making the loudest noises. I don't give a fuck. It's like, oh, like that. It's so embarrassing. Am I really that loud, dude? Honey. I don't give a fuck.

Am I? Babe. Am I for real though? I try to make it less in my head to get the embarrassment to be less. Am I really, loud, dude? Honey, you have- I don't give a fuck. Am I? Babe- Am I for real though? I try to make it less in my head to get the embarrassment to be less. Am I really, really loud for real? You're the loudest by far. I don't give a fuck.

You sure that was me though? Yeah? Oh. Doesn't matter. I don't give a fuck. But I'll tell you what. Why do you do that? Because it's so-

I'll tell you why. There's one reason. It's not easier. It doesn't make you stronger. It is so nice. That's why. It feels so nice. Remember when you would do the rubbing and I would go, and you'd be like, don't do that.

It makes, because you thought I was doing it to make you know that I like it. So you would keep doing it. Sweetie. The joke's on you yeah it feels nicer to be expelling things like when you're doing this i'm into it i like it feels better for me it literally feels better for me dude yeah it feels worse for me though yeah but you're pleasing me in that moment so i shouldn't do everything i need to honey we're pleasing each other no and you're touching me in that moment. So I should do everything I need to. Honey, we're pleasing each other. No, and you're touching me like this and doing like that kind of stuff. Yeah. That's for, that's for me.

And I go, even just doing that right now. It makes me want to stop. Hold on. That feels nice. So when I work out and I'm putting the weights down and I go, or whatever it is, that shit's nice. That shit's nice. That shit's nice. Yeah.

I respect you. Well, I don't, but you only respect me because I don't give a fuck about it. No, I respect you because I respect you because you're my husband and I'm trying to learn how to let you just be you as long as it's not hurting our family. Motherfucker, I'm me. You know what I mean? And when I do that, I go, and I put the weights down. Other guys do it too, dude.

And I don't even care if they do or not. I try not to drop the weights, you know. But anyway, dude, I go fucking hard, man. Dude. Remember when we were lifting weights? Yeah. And already you had like a little area that was like four by four. And it was already just like had like two dirty towels,

a dumped over water bottle all the way forever. And I was like cleaning up. I was like, some baseball cards, an old hat. Yeah. Do I, you're a tornado.

I, that's my area, dude. I go, I don't do it. That's my area. And you know what it, you know what it doesn't need decorating.

That's what it doesn't need. It's my area for me. I got some fucking weight on there. It's not decorating. It's just being courteous. What? Being courteous by like picking up your dumped over. I do pick up everything afterwards.

I don't leave weights around. Every now and then I'll leave a weight around. I figure if it's a light weight, I'm like, ah, somebody might want it there. Yeah. They might come up to me like, oh, this is exactly where I wanted it. Yeah. 15 pounds, fuck it. But dude, i'm not really using 15 pounds much yeah but yeah yeah yeah yeah that's something i need to work on i need to work on

letting you do whatever i want whenever i want to i agree i need to work on letting you be you when it's not hurting anybody anyone's heart when it's not hurting it yeah anybody's heart yeah i need to work on like if you're gonna be the loudest man in the gym yeah it's okay well has no bearing on me you know who's so good at that my friend jillian and i always respect oh she's mentioning another friend all right so go let's help with jillian we love jill is so good at letting people be exactly who they are. That is true. She's very good at that. She's so good at that.

And I would love to take a little of that and learn more of it. You're pretty good at that. I know. No, I'm pretty good, but I want to be better. You're such a specific man that this comes up a lot. I am specific, huh? Well, fuck, god damn it, you know? I don't know.

But boy, do I love you. Oh, that's sweet. I do. That's really, really sweet. Do I feel like I deserve to be loved? Do I feel like I'm not enough most of the time? And when somebody says they love me i feel weird and i want to make a joke about it uh remember what i was talking about that made me think of the

what's that talking what are we just talking about some shit where no no no where somebody was um weren't we just talking about when somebody older it's all how you look at life and then there's negative people that just are negative in their older age and then there's people who are just positive in their older age or are we just talking about that squid game that sweet old lady yes dude yes yes yeah wow we figured it out i did not think we were going to figure that out but the squid game That sweet old lady. Yes, dude. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Wow.

We figured it out. I did not think we were going to figure that out. But the Squid Game Challenge, the old lady in the Squid Game Challenge. We should clarify like the new, it's the new Squid Game. Squid Game Challenge. Oh, got it. Yeah. Squid Game is called Squid Game. But yes, the new one, Squid Game Challenge.

Yeah. It's the woman who is the older lady and she's just like dealing with people and like, it's just age can bring that to you. Yeah. It's the woman who is the older lady and she's just like dealing with people and like, it's just age can bring that to you. Yeah. But it doesn't always. Totally. Sometimes life attacks you and you get this victim mentality and you're like, fuck these motherfuckers. And I'd be like, that's where I'm headed. I'm trying to be a little bit of a more even keeled Larry David.

You know what I'm saying? And it's just I'm just headed straight towards Larry Davidsville And I want to be a little more forgiving A little more open minded and open hearted And I'm just not Honestly babe If you think about where you were three and a half years ago To where you are

now i would say that's an exponential up it's the spiral staircase true yeah true you're doing so much better i am doing better we're living and learning baby that's all life is living and learning yeah it's not about the destination it's about the journey dude i hope i end up somewhere really cool though even though it's not about the destination. It's about the journey. Dude, I hope I end up somewhere really cool, though, even though it's not about the destination. You know where I can't wait to go and end up? And I want to stop this conversation right now because I think I know what you're going to say.

And the answer is, I'll see you when you get back. No. Where do you think? I don't even want to say it because if it's what I don't think and I say the thing, then you're going to want to talk about that, too. And I don't even want to bring that up. Well, too late, baby. I already know what you're talking about.

The Mizzou game. No, I know what you're talking about. No, that's not what I was going to say. Oh, really? I was going to say. Fuck. We were talking about living and learning. This is levels, dude.

It's like we're in the van falling down in the fucking inception. Yeah. But you know what I'm excited for? I don't want to go to that bowl game. But anyway, go ahead. We're going to go. Nah, I'll see you when we get back. Mizzou.

Dude, we have two kids. Babe, I have gone on trips with our kids by myself. Yeah. You have? When you're on the road. I went to San Diego. Oh, right, right. Driving.

Anyway, go ahead. Go ahead. Every decade or so, if anybody listening to this is from Missouri, knows Mizzou, every decade... You know everybody from Missouri because every time I bring up somebody, you're like, that person went to Mizzou, if they did. Well, they all go to Mizzou. Brad Pitt, Jon Hamm. I know about these motherfuckers. The sexies, dude.

Yeah. The sexies. Brad Pitt has a composite, like a little freshman picture, and you know, the big picture with all of his freshman class. And it always gets stolen every year by people they see. And Jon Hamm has a big cock, right?

You see the pictures of him with his big dick flopping around? Yeah. You've seen it, right? Oh, yeah. And you know why you've seen it? Because you went to Mizzou.

That's why you've seen it. No, I've seen it because everyone's seen it. I feel like you know about it because you went to Mizzou and he went to Mizzou and he came up in your timeline because of Mizzou stuff. And you were like, oh, that guy's got a big dick in his khakis. I actually, you know what? I'm going to spoil something.

Dude, I don't think that you can tell if a guy has a big dick in pants or not. Unless it's abnormally large. Obviously, you can tell if a guy has a big dick in pants or not unless it's abnormally large obviously you can tell if it's a huge third leg but like the stuff i saw with john ham i'm like it could still be a not that big dick is that the guy in you that just wants him no absolutely not no dude no it's not no you know me i don't give a fuck i want dudes to have big dicks right up their ass no i'm kidding but but but but i want dudes to have their big dicks but have your big dick i need it too but i'm just saying there's a thing that sometimes a dick looks big because it's actually small and it's not doing

the hangover thing right it's not getting to the point where it's too long where gravity's taking it over a notch and it's just poking out. So it makes this tent-like pop thing, and it makes it look like it's a big dick, but really it just ends right there. Exposing himself for having a tiny penis. Sweetheart, I got an elephant trunk. But what I'm saying is, no, I define. But I am saying that that does happen. And I'm not saying that that's what Jon Hamm.

Jon Hamm probably has a big dick. He walks around like he's got it like that. But there are misconceptions with that. That is great to know. Thank you so much for enlightening me on that. You're very welcome. We talk about the hard eating issues. Now, what was the thing that you were going to bring up?

Not the bowl game. Yeah. Not the bowl game Yeah I was gonna say that I am very excited For nursing home When I'm an elder When I'm a For being in a nursing home

Yeah I'm stoked I'm going to work You know what this is We just found out you're autistic That's like What was the love on the spectrum when he was gonna get when he was gonna go out on the date with the first girl he's like so what's the day gonna be like i don't know i had this i had this this vision of you know what she would

say at my funeral when i died when i was older and it's like oh my god that's what you're doing yeah i mean i definitely have the thing where i don't i definitely have the thing where i don't um know what i say if it's good or bad i just say all the things so hold on you're excited to be in a nursing home yeah just go now no i'll visit you and i'll be there i think it's because i i'm i don't mean i don't want i don't mean i want you away from me. I just mean like go. Babe, what I mean is. Let's move to Florida. I think I've always been so terrified of death. Terrified. Like I used to have dreams when I was a kid.

I mean, everyone's scared of death. When they say they're not, it's a lot of these lies. No, but mine was like unusual where I would talk about it often and my mom was like a little alarmed. Right. Just the idea of like dying and not existing is like so terrifying and just aging too i was scared of old people that whole too really oh yeah scared of like 90 year old like ladies like yeah i know it's scary oh that's funny i didn't know that was like a typical thing i don't know if it's typical but well there you go match made in hell oh wow um but anyways i think over the years i've like tried to think about what that time would be

like in my life to try and make it better and i come up with a plan and now the plan sounds really fun i'm gonna go to a nursing home you're 10 years older than me, you're probably going to croak before I go. I'm 43. I'm 12 years older than you. 11. 11, okay. Yeah, whatever. It changes. I know.

My birthday isn't the same day. But what were you saying? You're going to die before me, so I'm going to be alone, which is going to be really sad. But I'm going to go to a nursing home. I mean, unless you keep fucking daring dudes to take you in a stairwell, then you'll die first.

That's true. Okay, so go ahead but if the more likely thing will happen i'm gonna go to a nursing home one of those like really more likely things gonna happen is i'm gonna get hit by a bus when i'm walking across the street texting i know that is true don't make it real babe you gotta be better at that but let me finish i'm gonna go to a nursing home a a nice one. I'm going to work really hard once I get my degree and whatever I end up doing, I'm going to work really hard and make a fund for my retirement. And it's so I can go to a nice nursing home with a golf cart, have little condos, and

I'm going to make all of my friends go there too. And then we're going to play bingo together. Already love it. We're going to play cards together. Already love that. We're going to play puzzles together. Already love it we're gonna play uh cards together already love that we're gonna play puzzles together already love you don't have to say already love that but i'm just saying even in my youth i like oh okay okay got it that's gonna and it's gonna be a lovely way to go i'll have no idea where i am i'll just know that i'm around people that i love and it's gonna be great i'm not gonna make my kids take care of me because i don't want that oh dude i don't want to

be a burden fuck what i'm gonna like when i i can't i'll do that too but i need like i need like well i guess i'll be dead already is what you're saying no maybe not i would love i mean i would love if you lived you know what i'd love is you stayed alive um i don't know if you do croak but i'd love if you stayed alive if you can make it that'd be great come to florida with me with my friends um wouldn't it be fun to have a golf cart and i could decorate it we could just do that now though tip it up well i don't i i'm just saying that that situation will be tough because your life is behind you mostly. And so I'm trying to make the most of that. Oh, I get it.

I'm not saying that I'm thrilled to do that right now. But it doesn't seem so bad when I put it that way. Yeah, I'm sure it's fun. It'll be fun. I'll do it. But you'll be too young. You'll be too young because I'll be like 80 and you'll be like 69. And I'll be like, babe, I got to go to the retirement home.

You could just chill for a bit. I'll meet you. Meet me there when you get there, you know. And then I know that's sad. We don't know what's going to happen. Right, right. I get about bus texting, but. Whatever it is, we're working on ourselves.

We're growing or dying and it'll be okay. Okay. But don't die. Don't be texting while you're driving. dying, and it'll be okay. Okay. But don't die. Don't be texting while you're driving. No, the joke was I was walking across the street texting, not being. Okay, don't. It's funnier that way. That's okay.

Don't be texting. Okay, right, I understand. Now, we're not going to that ballgame. Now, we're not going to that bowl game. What wife has to fight her husband? This is an argument that I don't even, it's not even a thing. To have to go to a bowl game. This is just something that is just. I went to college here.

My mom went to college there. Both of my grandparents went to college there. My grandma was on the homecoming court, Mizzou court. Isn't that cute? That is cute, yeah. Her little pictures. I'll give you that. That is cute.

In the 40s yearbook, and it's really ominous because it was like rest in peace to all these people that had gone off to war and died. Oh, fuck. Yeah, it's horrible. Jesus, it's not that cute. I mean, it's kind of more awful. Remind me Christmas. I'll show it to you.

I think it's at Lynn's house. Okay. I'm going to go to Lynn. Remind me of Christmas to show you something ominous. Okay, go ahead. I love ominous. I love it. I love an ominous vibe during the holidays. But I want to go to this bowl game. I love competitive sports.

Because you were? A competitive gymnast? Yeah. I mean, you know you were. Yeah. Well, no, I'm thinking if that's really why. I do like to compete and I love the feeling of winning. Well, that's because of being a, you were like a top gymnast. Yeah, but I'm thinking if that's really why. I do like to compete and I love the feeling of winning. Well, that's because of being a, you were like a top gymnast. Yeah, but I'm not like competitive.

Do a flip, Sean. With like things that I do. It's more like watching. Yeah, but you were competitive when you competed. Sure, yeah. That's what that's from. Yeah, but I just mean like in my day-to-day life, I'm not like a competitive person. No, you're not a competitive person in day-to-day life.

But when you do games, you are. Sure. And I think some people would call me a fair weather fan because I grew up in North Carolina. You are a fair weather fan. Watched the Carolina Panthers and Hurricanes. Yes. Had season tickets.

It was great. You're a fair weather fan. Went to Mizzou. Whole family went to Mizzou. So I like them. You also just want people who are winning to be winning. Well, that's the thing. And then why do you do that?

I just want to make sure it's loving and not assault. Go ahead. And then I moved to LA and like our kids are from here. Yeah. So we're, you know. But here's the thing. I don't have time to be anything but a fair weather fan. Yeah, I get that.

I got a husband that is a child. I got two babies. I have a home i get that i got a husband that is a child i got two babies i have a home to my husband that's a child there there's like if you're not doing great i know this is why exactly and this is why she's going to divorce me for exhaustion later on no because i don't have time i don't have time and then oh fucking oh honey what the fuck i'm divorcing you why because of exhaustion Why? Because I watch too many bowl games. That's why. I went to Michael's too much. I bet 40 people that are listening to this

are like, he's exhausting. No, I bet thousands of people are like, we get it, Chris. Dude, the people that are listeners, dude, they're the shit. This is a cult, dude. And we're going to be sitting in the tall grass and we're going to be in in the tall grass and we're

going to be in a log cabin and just sharing ideas and it's going to be so dope that's what i want when i'm older so if i get to the retirement community first i'll do that it'll be a log cabin we'll be sharing ideas i'll have a beard it'll be crazy can i have a golf cart yeah can i have little condos right next to all my friends and make them come? Make them come? Like busting? Make them come to the log cabin. Yeah.

Okay. I'm there. No busting. Can I decorate the log cabin? Yes. Rustic. Like very log cabin- It's a fucking log cabin.

Yes, of course. Let's do it, babe. All right. I'm done. This is just off the rails and i'm so tired and i'm so hot anyway dude thank you very much oh get my special grow or die chrisley.com and also get tickets man i'm gonna be everywhere yeah you know i mean phoenix phoenix i can't wait to get to phoenix and uh sorry can i say something about your special at the end okay this special I've watched him work it for the last couple of years it's the best coolest

thing he's ever done it's so fucking funny and he talks about so much of the stuff that we went through in an amazing way and I'm so fucking proud of you thanks babe way to go thank you it's the coolest thing ever thank you I could watch it every single day until I die and I will you always bring death into it oh yeah so congrats babe I appreciate that a lot of people have probably already seen it but if you haven't check it out and thank you very much like and subscribe to this youtube channel and hers too and And I appreciate you. Thank you guys. Bye.