Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 353. Petty Columbo

Episode Date: December 14, 2023

MY NEW SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😮 Get 10-word ads at holler.baby/chrisdelia 😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content... come over to Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris has stories of family and friends, plus steroids, Shohei Ohtani, and the pros and cons of having another husband around for his wife. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

runk hey hey what's up i'll be in oxnard this weekend friday and saturday oxnard california get your tickets at chrislea.com sacramento is up uh brea california is up phoenix arizona el paso albuquerque and then i got some more dates on on sale here Kelowna BC Vancouver BC Rochester New York uh I got it dude uh Kitchener Ontario um Shreveport Louisiana Houston Texas Corpus Christi, March 16th. Never been there. Durham, North Carolina. And Norfolk, Virginia. Norfolk.

I think it sounds like F-U-C-K, but it's not. So yeah, there you have it. That's where I'm going to be coming up. Go to chrislea.com to get tickets, new dates. And it is all new stuff. It is not from Grow or Die, my special, which you can get at chrislea.com so go watch that now and then you can still come to the shows it's that's two different hours um i work hard because i want to make people happy you know it's good and it's also it also you know what i mean it's an insecurity but I want to make people happy. So, yeah.

I want people to think I'm good enough is basically what it is. Anyway, getting too deep in this ad for my shows. But yeah, go to chrisley.com. And then also get merch. We got the Grow or Die merch coming in strong. It's good. People are starting to repost this stuff. It looks great on you. So go to chrisley.com for all your needs. No matter what need you have, really.

And also, this is the new episode of Congratulations. no matter what need you have really uh and also this is the new episode of congratulations you know we um i did the uh well we got it well no here update well let me do an update look christmas is coming up you know my wife goes absolutely nutty when it comes to putting garland and different lights in places and you know, candy canes. What's that from? That one

horror movie. And so we have, I don't know how many Christmas trees, honestly. I really don't. What was it? One, two. We have two up, but there are more in the garage. Anyway, she was like, let's get, let's go get one. And because we have fake ones because have fake Christmas trees because real one.

It's weird to bring a real Christmas tree inside. Now, it's also weird to bring a fake one inside, right? Trees should only be outside. Jim Gaffigan has that funny bit about Christmas where it's like, why do you bring the inside, right? Trees should only be outside. Jim Gaffigan has that funny bit about Christmas where it's like, why do you bring the outside inside? I don't know what it is. It's, you know. And, but it's true. Like, why?

That's so weird to put all the, oh, yeah, yeah. He says you put all the stuff inside outside on the front lawn and all the trees inside. Yeah. But it's like weird. And then people will put a fake tree. I don't know if he, this is part of his bit or not, but you put a fake tree, which is even weirder,

but it's better because at least it won't catch on fire. You know what I'm saying? Like trees are so flammable because that's literally what you put in the fire to create a fire. Oh, the fire's going out. We'll put more trees in the fire to create a fire oh the fire's going out we'll put more trees in it so putting a a tree in the living room it's a bad idea especially because you usually put it next to the fireplace i think i'm doing jim gaffigan's bit i don't know if this is close

to it or not i saw it years and years ago but it's very odd and uh i was hip with the fake trees and now of course my wife is like how do you want them decorated and i say well i like them when they're green and when they have all the the ornaments that are all different from the families you know we put them together and we they look it looks mismatched and everything so she got a white tree and decorate it like a macy's like m Macy's tree with, with just like all gold balls and red balls. And, and so, and what do we do with the, with the, with the ornaments? And I had to, with my big mouth where I'm like, well, you know, we didn't use ornaments. And she was like, but don't you like it? I'm like, I do like it. My favorite kind of Christmas tree is the green one where we can, you know, and she was

like, you don't like it. I'm like, I love it. It looks great. It just looks like, you know, it would be in Macy's, which is beautiful. Macy's wants it to look good. That's the whole reason why it's in Macy's. And then she's like, well, her answer, I open my big mouth. Well, you know, what do we do with the other ornaments? She's like, well, let's go get a real tree. So now we got another tree.

That's a real tree that just got delivered and let me tell you this man by the way trees are just like it's like it's crazy that you spend hundreds of dollars on the tree and then delivering it and everything like that and they just come and and it's just like you could go get one for free you know um but anyway it was actually such a magical moment bringing calvin and billy to the um i mean billy didn't really know what was going on he's eight months old but calvin was just like loving running around into the tree which one which one you want to pick he was like he was like, I don't know. We'll pick one. He finally picked one.

My heart was swelling up. We went there and then we came back. They couldn't deliver it that night, so they delivered it today. Anyway, we have another Christmas tree, which is great. We've got to decorate it. That's great. That only means that the ornaments that we put,

we brought back downstairs to not use. We've got to bring back upstairs again. So, and yes, dude. And I got, here's the thing. I opened up my big mouth saying, what are you doing to my wife? When she was bringing the ornaments back downstairs, she says, I'm bringing the ornaments downstairs and you're not helping. Why don't you help? And I was like, oh, I opened my big mouth. Dude, I have to, you know what I got to stop doing is opening my big mouth. That's what I have to stop doing is opening my big mouth. But I opened my big mouth, dude, because I'm a comedian and it's my job. And now I have 350 episodes of this congratulations podcast and other podcasts. I talk so much. It's all documented and it's all bad. I don't need to

be talking so much. And I do hours of standup and it's like, dude, my whole job is talking. And it's like every now, every day, I just becoming a monk and just being, taking that vow of silence seems better and better. And I would like to do that except for there's no way I could do that. You know why? Because I get pissed off. And why? Because I have to explain myself.

And why do you have to explain yourself? Because I want people to understand me. And why do people have to explain yourself? Because I want people to understand me, and why do people have to understand me? You know why? We just get to the point where I go, because. I was talking to my therapist, and she's like, well, you don't like to be misunderstood, and I go, and I'm like, yeah, I don't like to be misunderstood.

I hate to be misunderstood, and you got to let that go. You got to let that go, dude. I don't mean to be like a Steve Harvey show right now, but you got to let that go, because got to let that go, dude. I don't mean to be like a Steve Harvey show right now, but you know, you got to let that go. Cause people are going to understand you no matter what. Uh, uh, but it's, you know what I mean? It's like, I don't know. I just, I want to like the other day, I've been talking about junk food with, you know, it's so, dude, you know how easy it is to give your child shit food?

You know why? Because it's around. And you know what's not around? Stuff that's good for you. It's just not. Even if you go and you go to like a nice market where you're like oh let's get the nice snacks any snack is like bad for you in a package you know unless you're just going to get like what you okay you want fucking uh cucumbers right but my son's not going to eat that shit like what is he a jungle boy you know like what don't so he's like i want a cliff bar so i you know i so kristen's like what do you think you want to give him a cliff bar and i'm like nah i don't think so maybe you gotta eat something healthy you know because you eat the ice cream cake because it was somebody's birthday earlier

so don't eat that you know remember i said you can't have a Clif Bar. So he's like, all right. So she said, well, what about apples and peanut butter? And I go like this. Well, peanut butter is junk food, you know? And he says, no, I just want peanut butter. She says, okay. And I was like, well, but before that she was like want pasta and he was like yes she's like we have it with pink sauce do you want it with pink sauce and he says no I want red sauce and I was like well you shot yourself in the foot you should have just went to go ahead and make it you should have just made it you had to get specific with the pasta right

and she was like well she didn't want anything I had to give him peanut butter and I was like I know but we had to start giving him something better and I was talking about this in front of the kid and I don't want to like the last thing you want to do is undermine a parent when you're a parent you don't want to undermine the other parent you got to be a united front right so she was already like how about peanut butter so I was like yeah give him peanut butter you know and it was all a whole mess you know and I dealt with it not so great but it's like I you know I just want the kid to not be a fat fuck, you know?

And it's not even fat, fat on the inside, you know? Like fat in your heart. Like, that's what I mean. Like, it's okay to be fat a little bit. It really is okay to be chubby, not fat, but like a chubby, like a, like a, not a good, it's okay to not have a good body, right? It's, you know what, it's okay, it's okay to just be a guy or a, be a man or a woman and just, like, that's, you know, you're

just someone, right? Like, not everybody has to be ripped, I get it. You don't all have to look like Thor, you don't all have to look like Wonder Woman, you could just be someone out there with, like, a pear shape a little bit, but you still don't want to be eating this shit the the the like skittles and like my son loves skittles the good thing is he's he's you know he'll be like oh here's four skittles he's like oh i get four and it's like yeah and it's like okay that's good but like that that's like what for me that's like maybe 20 for me so it's like if i eat 20 skittles and then my son will be like, I have a tummy ache. And I'm like, well, you know, I want to be like, you did it to yourself.

But I did it to him. And I can't say you did it to yourself to a four-year-old, because then he's going to be like, I'm bad. So you got to be like, well, you know, it's okay. It's probably because of the Skittles. And I'm seething inside because I'm like, well, you shouldn't be eating fucking Skittles. But mom tossed them over to you. I don't know. It's just, it's all, it's just parenting is, is, and we, and it's easy for us, you know, because we have, you know, we were together, we have money and all this shit, but it's still the little, it's the subtle

things that'll fuck you up, dude. It's the subtle things that'll fuck you up dude it's the subtle things that'll fuck you up god it is wow subtlety huh oh subtlety man i don't know i was watching uh tv last night i was over i was with david sullivan uh who you might know from my tour reports and whatnot. I was with him, and he was like, man, can we watch a good thing? And I was like, nah, man, we want to watch stuff that's not that good, dude. And we could be funny and laugh at it. And we passed by that movie Sound of Freedom.

Is that what it is? Yeah, Sound of Freedom. And he was like, this is supposed to be good. And I was like, it is supposed to be good. Yeah right okay we'll watch it i turned it on dude let me just tell you man the whole movie i'm just like this i mean it's really hard to watch there's no like real violence or anything you know the kidnapping and it's just like i can't believe they made that movie to be honest like it's crazy i know it's an independent movie but but i get like hollywood is just like no no we i don't know what what movie is that we uh uh sound of music i'm sorry what

with the lady with the... The hills are alive when she's with her skirt and the apron? I love that one. Anyway, have you seen... You know? Have you seen Mickey Blue Eyes? I mean, dude, Sound of Freedom is harrowing. It was really hard to watch.

I wanted... It was one of those movies where it's like they take all the kids, they kidnap the kids, and then it's like based on a real story and you don't know how much of it is true but then you you know it doesn't matter how much of it is true because if any of this is true it's terrible and then and then you're like you watch some of it and you're like i i said to david i'm like i don't think i could watch this and he's like yeah it's really unsettling huh but then it's like you want to watch it because you want to get to the end to make sure that everyone ends up okay. Do you ever like watch a movie and stop watching it?

Like this is how dumb I am. I'll watch a movie that has nothing to do with me, with made up characters. Like that's a fantastic movie about like dwarves and elves or something. And I'll start it and I'll be like, I don't want to watch this. I'm going to turn off, go to bed.

And in bed, I'm like, I hope everybody, this probably works out for them. I mean, I didn't see the movie, but I hope everybody's okay. They don't even exist. And this is a real movie that's based on a real story. And you're like, okay, I got to see this through because I know that probably he saves her at the end.

So I did, I watched it and I'm just like, dude. And then you go on google and you like google like these these rings of these these pedophile rings that like get broken up by by like the fbi or whatever it is and it's like oh my god bro this stuff really happens and it's like really really sad it's one of those things where it's like really, really sad. It's one of those things where it's like, you know, you know how like crazy shit happens in the world, but it's so far removed from you that you're just like, does that really happen? Like even like outbursts in like a bagel shop. Like I have a friend that always has nuts stories and he's just like oh you know what

happened I saw a homeless lady and she lifted up her shirt and showed me her titties and uh then she got hit by a car and then rolled all over the hood and then slid down and when she slid down on the driver's side of the car the shirt was still up and her titties slipped on were just like on the side of the driver's window. And the driver just started like being like, oh God. And like pulled over and he's like, are you okay? And then he just started dating. And you're like, that didn't, that happened. Oh yeah.

You know? Oh, you don't believe it, but you know, you're like, I guess he's not lying, but you're just like, I'm so far removed from that, that I don't, I don't believe it or not. That's just something that somebody said. And, uh, the whole thing is too bad. Even if if it doesn't exist it's too bad he said it but like you know this shit happens and it's just wild you know and you don't really think about like i think the normal regular i don't know what that even means nowadays but the regular person who thinks like we had sam tripoli over on uh uh golden hour podcast uh and he was talking about all these conspiracy theories and like how he thought that you know there was an advanced civilization that was living hundreds

of years ago and they they got wiped out and how you know whatever, there's a bunch of different conspiracy theories. And, and it's like, now that there's the internet, it's so weird when you start going down that rabbit hole, it activates your brain because I'm like, dude, I don't believe in, I don't believe in a lot of men, most of the conspiracy theories, right. Or, you know, I'm using that term loosely. A conspiracy theories has a negative connotation connotation. Some of them are theories, right? You know, I'm using that term loosely. Conspiracy theories has a negative connotation. Some of them are true. But like, like the JFK one, you know, it wasn't just the one dude in the window 900 years away

with a fucking single shot. Pap! Um, you know, those kinds of things. And, uh, Justin Trudeau is Vidal Castro's son But it's like The whole thing with What was I trying to say

Like you don't Like you start looking That's what the thing You start looking into it Oh Oh Really Well that's interesting you start doing all that

shit and it's like 2 a.m and you're just like what you start making that noise you're like what you click something and you huh and it's grainy but you zoom in yourself like you're a fucking like you're in a like you're tom cruise in a movie zoom in there you even say it out loud it's just you hold on zoom in there and then you go like this to yourself i'm way ahead of you what oh my god is that him and then it's like i go to bed and then the next morning i wake up and i'm still buzzing off this like well what the fuck man how did they make the pyramids how'd they do that though if they how did they do it though if we don't know how they did it and we're way beyond them time wise how's that happening so we should be able to figure it out we should at least be able to figure out how they did it let alone do it we can do it but they didn't have the

technology so it's like huh So then you're sitting here. You got that 2 a.m. brain and you're just like, oh, what the, huh? What's he doing? Hold on. Look that up. I'm way ahead of you. What? So then I'm like walking around and I'm like, dude, hold on a second, man.

Hold on a second. I go, I'm like tv i'm like cell phones i know i'm talking to someone on the other line and i know who that is but they're not near me. Oh, so it goes into the satellites floating in space. So then I'm like, man, all this shit. Like if you just put me here and started telling me all this stuff, I go like this. What? So if all that can be true, then anything can be true. Dude, there's satellites that float around in space and you can talk to your friend that's downtown and i'm just like wait a minute zoom in i go hey i want to talk to my friend and then in my head i

i'm way ahead of you hello and i'm just like what dude, something's going on. Now, I'm not saying Joe Biden's a lizard and he goes into the ocean and sheds himself because I don't think that that's true. But then I'm like seeing a picture of Joe Biden at the beach and I'm like, zoom in. He's shiny. Is that him? I'm way ahead of you. I'm way ahead of you. You could just make a show, dude. Like, seriously? You could just make a show.

Like that show Six Feet Under. That was a show that they just acted in and then just beamed it to us on a channel, on our box, in our fucking living room. You ever think about this shit? let alone a car imagine if you imagine if you like if the world blew up and it was the apocalypse and then you had to like start from scratch right there were no dealerships anymore and you know gm and they just they were like oh we don't we can't do it anymore it's just too hard people are dying of scurvy so let's focus

on getting fruit not dodge rams you'd have to like make a vehicle right to get you know because you know they could make them so you're like i gotta make it somehow it would take you years to make a vehicle just being someone that you are right now not a vehicle maker like i gotta make it somehow it would take you years to make a vehicle just being someone that you are right now not a vehicle maker like i'm a comedian if you were like hey chris no more cars if you want to get down to the bottom of fucking you know cold water canyon then what you got to do is make a vehicle and i go oh fuck i don't think I can do that. But maybe I'd be able to figure it out. Figure out. Okay.

Now that's cars. Talk. And, but then I'm like talking to my friend downtown though, with no delay. And using a satellite to do so. And I'm just like, okay, okay well something else is going on though right you're gonna beam news to my eyeballs i don't know dude if you were just plopped here you'd have so many questions and we sit here and we don't ask questions because we've been here how nuts is that, dude?

I don't know, man. Something's up. Something is up. Something's afoot, right? Something's afoot and it's not just my feet. Man, I was doing kid jokes to Calvin the other day and they were so bad, dude. And they were, he's not at the age

where he can even really, like, get it yet because he doesn't know the, you know, it'll be like, hey, what did zero say to eight? And they'll be like, what? And I'll say, nice belt. And he's like, what? And I'm like, no, because, well, because zero, if you take like what and i'm like no because well because zero if if you take a zero and an eight if you take a zero then you squeeze it then that's what it

looks like an eight like that right and he goes oh i'm just like all right it's not working you know it's like but then he was doing the thing where he was like i'll do a joke. And I'm like, okay, go ahead. And he says, what is, uh, what is a car? And I'm like, I don't know. And then he'll, and then what he'll say is no, I do the joke. And then you say what it is. And I'm like, yo, okay. What is a car? And I say, I don't know, does it have four wheels and it drives? And he says, I think it is. I'm just like, that's such a bad joke, you know? But it's so funny that he's doing it. So in a way, it's a good joke, right?

It's not about what you say, it's how you say it. And he killed it. My son's a comedian. I love the Stalin-esque, no-esque no no no you answer me we started the computer with one uh percent and now we're at 24 absolutely beautiful absolutely beautiful now it's just gorgeous that's gorgeous thinking what about the fucking liver king dude why are we i know i've talked about this before in the podcast but like dude we just pretend well not even with liver king but like the rock like hey yeah ah You do steroids. Hey, dude, Liver King.

You do steroids. You know why? You look like a beetle. I want The Rock to admit that he does steroids, and I want him to just be like, that's the thing, though. He probably wouldn't get any deals, though, after that. Well, not any deals.

He would still be huge. That's the whole thing. probably wouldn't get any deals though after that well not not not any deals he would still be huge and stuff oh that's the whole thing how could you live that way no knock on it but like to be a brand like that and to not live authentically i'm not you know i don't know maybe the rock is being that is also authentic self but that's really weird if it is it can't i mean but just like i want the rock to just fire off some mean tweets at some point can't trust somebody that doesn't have a knee-jerk reaction every now and then you know god but that's what me going back to my you know i need to be more of a monk right what is liver king doing let's look let's look at his last video

do i have to sign in wow i hate instagram like that we won't we won't look we won't what's his name? Liver King? Liver King? Bro, you can't tell. Remember the AI thing? Here, listen. To be a dominant man, a dominant dad, a dominant husband, and a dominant CEO.

To express my highest and most dominant form in these respective roles. This is the way of the barbarian. Never came. Oh. It's... Look, somebody commented, great ideals to live by dominate everything.

And the guy's serious. Again. But you see, people, you see how destroyed it is? And the guy's serious. Why does he have the music that's in like a Lifetime movie when two people are on a date in it? Dude, I hate that shit. Like that shit with like, you know what would have that? It was Grey's Anatomy.

Why do they do that? They go, hey, I didn't see you there. Oh, sorry. I was just. I was looking for a candy bar in the thing, but you know, you go first. Anyway, here you go. You know, I have a question for you. Yes?

Never mind. Okay. Bye. never mind okay bye here at AutoZone like why do they do you know why because the show sucks that's why because the show fucking sucks you know what I'm saying

that's why if the show didn't suck, you wouldn't have to put in it, dude. Just have the scene where he can't ask her out. The thing is, I wanted to It's a little hi-hat that really pisses me

the fuck off, too. I don't know, man. Grey's Anatomy. Maybe it's good. I have no idea. I have no fucking idea. I never saw it. ColdApparel.com.

Quality merch services at fulfillment. ColdApparel.com. Go to my page if you want to purchase a 10-word ad or shout out. Holler.baby slash Chris D'Elia. to my page if you want to purchase a 10 word ad or shout out holler dot baby slash chris d'alia um oh god kim kardashian's minimalist christmas this is the thing on buzzfeed you know i make fun of my my my wife because she does so much. I can't imagine. I was watching some of those

decorating shows because I like to do it because sometimes I'll put on my wife is there. I'm like, I'll watch this shit. Maybe she'll like it. And it's like,

what was it? Celebrity decor. I don't know what it was called. But this one guy was just like, I love decorating. And he talks like this and he's just like, I love decorating so much.

And I can easily spend millions of dollars on decorating our home my personal friends uh sharon osborne we're working for her and i normally wouldn't get out of bed for more than 12 million dollars but i do it because she's a personal friend and it's just like holy fucking cocksucker shit would you could you imagine having to deal with a person like that imagine imagine that oh these chairs aren't they delicious look at this just look at the way they turn and the good thing is you could put them inside and face them on the inside or you could twist them and spin them and look out on the veranda isn't that delicious dude these are real people that talk like this anyway these chairs are 40 grand each and you're like oh fuck

it's just so ridiculous I don't know what the show was called I forget what it's called watch a little bit of it on Netflix and I can't like I get it look having a decorator is good you don't have to do all this shit

but let's see what she has. Kim Kardashian has another thing. Grace S with a... Okay. Oh my God. Kim already has... She has... Features a ton of lit up trees waiting outside.

Okay. Kim posted a video footage of her sitting room and hallway it's worth noticing that piano music was playing in the background yeah she hires him to play festive music philip cornish uh she hires him to play festive music in December. Yo, that's crazy. Put on a fucking CD. And get a playlist. I mean, who's not okay with just Frank Sinatra just being like, Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

Oh my God, dude. There's all these trees in her hallway that's cool the way it's lit up the tree um beige everything's beige beige stoppings on christmassy um um damn one less stocking because not kanye's there huh uh there's a pink oh they got so many i can't show my wife this jesus christ this is the stupidest fucking article i ever seen in my life hey buzzfeed get it together

i can't believe i clicked on that but good good props to kim kardashian um what apple leisha what'd he say what'd she say oh boy come on jay to let tupac rest in peace let him come on apple leisha what'd he say what'd'd she say? Oh, boy. Come on, Jada. Let Tupac rest in peace. Let him. Come on. Appalachia. What'd he say? What'd she say?

He got Appalachia. Alopecia. But he did. But tell me what that is. So, Alopecia. I mean, you know. But tell me what that is. Alopecia, dude. How come you can't say that?

Appalachia. Also, he's bald, you know? Actually, no reason he has hair. We ain't need to know that. Dog a legend. He's been dead 30 years. Appalachia. Alopecia.

I know Albert Hughes, he recently talked about it, how they were a juice and he had stress patches, which is like a form of alopecia, and shared a story of why he cut his hair off. She should have told us a will story you're right talk about your husband baby you married him tell us how you feel walking down the carpet one time and we know you ain't have no no panties or something you know got took a turn for the pervy right immediately i'm just tell us where pot gone you got appalachia

alopecia alopecia alopecia one time for everybody with appalachia man you know it was way more than one time one time for everybody with appalachia like that's like somebody he went to school with when he was in high school apalachia broke his heart um racist uh no but that's this guy i don't know hey rick ross is fucking failing upwards right i mean like we all we watch him as a trainer him and dj khaled which is just a train wreck and we just keep funding it right i you know i don't know it's like you can do that in hollywood you can you can be a director train wreck and we just keep funding it. Right. I, you know, I don't know. It's like, you can do that in Hollywood. You can, you can be a director even, and like make fucking nine bad movies and then just

get a 10th one. It's crazy. These AI supermodels are getting out of control. these AI supermodels are getting out of control. I actually thought it was, I saw one the other day that was, I thought it was real and my, and I was shown it and I,

and it was a video of someone and they were just like on the bed chilling like a hot chick just, and it was, and it was and it was real and i still think it's real that's how good they're getting like i get the pictures look kind of fake because and i don't mean like because obviously you can't like catfishing is just you can't there don't ever trust anything anymore online period i think we're at that point right like if you meet somebody if you're on hinge or whatever the fuck bumble if that's still a thing tinder if that's still a thing you go on there and you and you meet and you see people and you just you you kind of have to go off of their bio because you know they're not going to look the way they are unless they're

like super yeah i don't know man no not even unless anything unless they don't look good because then they're like oh well they didn't even try to do a filter on it but like dude they can straight up make videos of people now that are fake like dude there was a thing that they there was a clip on supernatural that somebody sent me because i was talking about supernatural and like you got to wait to get to this moment and it showed a moment on supernatural and it was actually so ridiculous that i was like dude i think that might be fake that might be a fake thing that somebody sent me on supernatural like this is the world we live in now so you could just be basically chatting to nobody i can't believe how like real it looked and they were telling me dude this is fake and

in the bio it said ai not real and i and i'm like dude they're fucking with us they're real because i would maybe do that like pretend i'm not real but then you are real and then you show up and just blow people's minds it's too bad i'm already famous because if i wasn't dude i'd have to get super fit though i'd have to get more fit right yeah but whatever dude who cares i want to um i want to get super fit but i can't it's just too much to take too much time sandra congratulations on graduating. Keep up the good work, mama. Go to my page if you want to purchase a 10-word ad or shout out

holler.baby slash Chris D'Elia. Yeah, dude. This is crazy, this contract. The Shohei Ohtani joining the Dodgers on a 10-year, $700 million contract, which is like actually crazy that anything to do with baseball has $700 million. And I guess it's the Dodgers, so that's a pretty legit organization. This is the biggest contract in the world. And he is, bro, what was the last one?

Like $300,000? $300 million? $400 million maybe? Whatever. Yeah, here, actually look. By more than $250 million, topping the 12-year $426 million. Ah, Mike Trout, I remember that. Wow. million topping the 12 year 426 million ah mike trotter i remember that um wow this is crazy dude is baseball has fucking money huh how about this man asians figured it out in the in baseball

remember in 90s zero asians all of a sudden they had one asian guy and then all of a sudden some more asian guys and now this japanese dude is just like shohei otani goes like this he's just like oh yeah we will see you and 700 million dollars for 10 years dude what is that number in Japanese? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Ah, fuck, I can't remember. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

What's 10? Yeah. 10. For fucking 10 years, dude? Dude, $700 million for 10 two years that's crazy dude wow um anyway he's like dude he's a pitcher and a the best batter in the, yo dude, you know what? This guy's my hero.

And I've always loved Asians. And now he's my favorite one. So God, imagine just fuck. I would do it. If you had $700 million, what would you buy? What would you fucking buy?

I'd buy fucking straight up. Like, you know what I would do buy fucking straight up, like, you know what I would do is just get like, hmm, I would build a community of houses and I would live in one and I would have all my friends live in the other ones and we would just fucking have a good time, dude.

We'd have barbecues and then I'd have a stage for standup and, you know, just kind of ball out. Right. Oh, you know what I would do for real? Open a cool coffee shop in my house with employees.

I know there's that joke thing that I did with like on, um, was it fighter and the kid where I said, I got a Starbucks in my house that went pretty viral but like dude if if I had a coffee shop in my house yo you know how much I would love that for real waking up downstairs you go into the kitchen you go through the kitchen and there's like a lit like a fucking coffee bean or like a Pete's coffee with, and you hear like, like grind. And also people can go there. Like, it's not just me and I'm alone there. It's like people that are there that like,

and I get annoyed with them too. Sometimes where I'm like, I got to wait in this fucking line is my house. Like, I want to be able to get like, why can't I have a fucking priority shit? And then I try to get priority, but they're like,

we actually don't do that here. And I'm like, this is my house. But like, you get a manager there and like a barista and like a few other employees and I pay for it all. I pay for the employees and I pay for the, and then, you know, shipments, I pay for the shipments of the coffee. And then we do things where like, they come in and they're like, oh, we, we want to, we want to test some pastries out. Does the, you know, and I, I have to try them and I'm like this one, we want to test some pastries out, you know, and I have to try them, and I'm like, this one, but not these, you know, and then the next day, some of the ones that

I said I don't want are there, and I'm like, you guys fucked it up, and like, just, I need stuff to deal with, basically, if I have 700 million dollars, I want stuff to deal with in my house that would annoy me, and then like, but like, it's not part of my house, but it is part of my house. That would be dope, dude. Just a cafe. You know? My wife would be like, you didn't do the thing. And I'm like, sorry, I was at coffee. I didn't get your text.

I'd be pretty dope. I'd probably still go get coffee though i'd probably still drive down the hill and do it because i want to be out you know i like driving a little bit i would get a driver for sure no doubt i mean i could probably afford a driver but i don't want yeah that's the thing you need to start making well uber right but i don't use uber but i'd want a guy that i know to do it i don't want fucking i don't ever want i don't even think i have uber right but i don't use uber but i'd want a guy that i know to do it i don't want fucking i don't ever want i don't even think i have uber on my phone but like i don't ever want somebody i don't know that doesn't work for a company not uber uber is like freelance shit

basically i don't i need somebody that worked for a car company to pick me up. I don't want Uber, just some guy in a Hyundai with like a hoodie on, listening to like Busta Rhymes to drive me to the airport. That's so weird. I want a guy in a suit, right? I guess. God, I fucking came home.

I had a driver. I came home from the airport And I got the The uh The bags out And The gate was opening and it crunched his door And it fucking flipped it backwards And so the door was open

The backwards way like it Like the door opens and the The gate was going and it picked the door up. Like it, it, like the door opens and the, the, the gate was going and it picked the door up and opened it fucking. And he had to drive home with the fucking door open the driver. And I was like, Oh my God, dude, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I had no idea the gate was opening and I didn't know the car was there. And he was like, Oh, it's okay. They'll deal with it, bro. They, the guy just showed up. He had to drive home like this.

He had to drive home holding the door because it wouldn't shut. And I was like, dude, just let me know if there's anything I need to do for the claim or the insurance. He's like, it's all covered. And then I was like, that's kind of cool. You could just fuck up the cars

and not have any repercussions. You know? You could just basically get a hammer and be like, yo, thanks for the lift. Fucking bop, bop. Ah, shit, dude. Hey, let me know if they need me. He's like, oh, well, it's covered.

Ah, shit, man. Sorry. Just along the door. Dude, I'll see you next time have that all fixed i didn't know it worked like that oh i felt bad dude i felt bad and then i came home and i was like oh i feel so bad and i was like i feel like it's my fault and my wife was like it kind of was and i was like what dude don't say that i need you to be supportive and she was like yeah but well i gotta tell you how it is but it's like but i was like it isn't really my fault i was just saying that you said it wouldn't the guy parked too close to the fucking thing i always want somebody's fault i always want it to be somebody's fault dude i always want it to

be somebody's fault my wife sometimes is like so you know it's not it to be somebody's fault. My wife sometimes is like, you know, it's not somebody's fault sometimes. And I'm just like, I'll find out whose it is. I'll find out whose fucking fault it is, dude. Trust me. I'll get to the bottom of it. I'm like Petty Columbo. Anyway, dude. I'm so fucking hungry. I can't see straight dude and when i'm not when i'm hungry i

get mad and i don't like hangry too when people that'll just make me more mad are you hangry now i'm hungry and mad i'm hungry and angry hangry nah i that's i don't want to mix words together like that. Fantabulous, you know? When people say stuff like that. What else is another one? It's always like exclamations. Fantabulous. Ginormous, dude.

My videographer says ginormous. I had to pull him aside. I'd be like, good boy, you can't be saying that, dude. What are you, Mormon? Like that's some shit that fucking Mormons think is funny. Mormons don't have the greatest sense of humor, right? Let's just call a spade a spade. I mean, there are great Mormons out there,

but like how many Mormon stand-up comedians are there you know how many mormon funny actors are there you know they mostly are just like okay you know it's not like they're exactly pushing the envelope in any way well i mean with polygamy but they don't do that, but like certain sects do. God, you used to be able to have like four wives, like if you were a king and shit. Where in the world can you do that now? I don't know, but you can't do it in America, you know? You just can't have four wives, right? Like, isn't it like against the law or something? But like kings, you should just be like, yo, guess what? I love this one now, so fuck it, you know? And the other wife would be like, okay, you know, as long as she's, you should just be like, yo, I guess what? I love this one now. So fuck it. You know, and the other wife would be like, okay, you know, as long as she's, you know,

my good sir. And then my question is, I wonder how fucking more annoying it is. Right. Cause like my wife is like, Hey, after Christmas, let's go to the bowl game in dallas mizzou's playing and i'm like how the fuck do i get out of this right immediately so imagine saying that to like four different women oh fuck there would be overlapping shit you know there's like there's that antique convention and you'd be like,

oh, fuck, how do I get out of this? Well, I could say I got to go to the bowl game, but I don't even want to do that. How do I get out of that? And you know what? I hope I get cancer. You know what happened, sweetie? I got hit by a truck.

You did? Yeah. And then just run into oncoming traffic. So you don't have to do anything. I don't know how. Well, when you're the king, though, what you say goes, right? It would be great to get to the point to where if you were just like some guy who was a branch manager at Wells Fargo could have like two wives.

And honestly, I think women could have multiple husbands too. Like this isn't a sexist thing I in a way I'm like dude maybe it might be the shit if I if I had another husband if we and I'll marry him too dude I just as long as I don't have to like jerk him or anything just have him around have him bring the ornaments downstairs and then back up again when we decide to get another tree that you went to get the with the other husband and i'm just the guy at home chilling in his fucking coffee shop in his house you know waiting in line with the other husbands oh god damn it bro come on man you got to fuck her last night can i just jump please can i get that i want to get four shots of espresso

and you get that stupid peppermint drink anyway bro you're a cuck well i guess we kind of all are in a way aren't we that's that's my wife would if she wanted to see that's the thing though you think like oh you want your wife to have another husband too to help because here's what would happen she'd get the guy she'd get the guy who was like a little pudgy that would help. That would be like the cuddle guy and like the, oh, tell me about your feelings guy. But then she would also get a ball player to marry her too. And you'd have to like come home to like some fucking lineman. And you're like, God, this guy's fucking ripped. Well, linemen are fat as shit, but like, you know, a hockey player. And you're like, oh, he can fight. He's ripped. He's got such good balance. And he's just like, oh, he can fight. He's ripped.

He's got such good balance. And he's just like, dude, I'm actually going to sleep in the bed tonight. And you're like, all right, I'll take the floor. Wide awake because you drank too much coffee and shit.

You hear some long haired fucking Adonis freak just nailing her. Ah, whatever. You know what? Sometimes you choose to be mad because like my instinct is to be like if somebody did that if somebody like had sex with my wife i'd be like well fuck that but then i'm like ah fuck man you could choose to not be angry you know you really could isn't that crazy about anger if you just sometimes stop like the shit you get mad at the petty shit If you just sometimes stop, like the shit, you get mad at the petty shit. If you just stop, you're like, hold up, hold up. That doesn't really piss me off. If I just kind of control myself, yo, that's bonkers. Like I'm so hung. Well, no, that one doesn't work. Huh? I'm so hungry that I'm so,

and I'm so angry about it because food is a necessity of life, but you know, it's not when you're just like get cut off in traffic. You could just... And I'm getting mad thinking about it. Getting mad thinking about it. I did my shoulders today at the gym too. And that was the thing too. Because it's like, that's why I'm so hungry. Because I fucking pushed it to the limit.

I did that fucking landmines, dude. I went crazy with more and more landmines. I did more and more landmines. I did that fucking landmines, dude. I went crazy with more and more landmines. I did more and more landmines. I did so many landmines. And then I did the battle robot. I don't know, man. I'm so fucking tired and hungry. I appreciate you guys listening, though.

Honestly, I do. Dude, I think that this is the thing. I'm my 40s this is what i really honestly think i'm in my 40s and i think i got to the part in life where i'm just like fucking now what dude 40 more years the kid part was dope you know but also it was not dope too you had to deal with like people wanting to fight you and shit like one time milton my neighbor was like oh i forgot to kick your ass the other day and then he beat me up like that's something you don't have to deal with as a 20 30 40 year old but like life's been around i got success i did my thang, as they would say, right? And I sowed my oats.

And then a few. And it's just like married kids. And like I love being with my kids. And that's the thing I really focus on is like my family. But then it's like, and then the what else? Because here's the thing. I still love doing stand-up, but it's like, so 40 more years of it, though?

I used to think I'd never retire. And now, dude, I'm like, oh, yo, bro. You put 50 million in the bank? Chill. So chill, dude. I'm just fucking hanging out watching movies all day and i'm talking about like batman forever like just watching the shittiest of the shitty eating only carbs i don't give a fuck bro i get a moat I don't give a fuck, bro.

Get a moat. You know? A moat around my house. Like, what is life in your 40s? Because that's when you're supposed to be the shit as a man. You've got enough experience, but also you're still kind of like youngish. Oh, my God. Because if I think about me in my 30s, I was a fucking dum-dum, you know?

I was funny and being silly and shit, but I was living like a dumb dumb. And now I'm living right. But then it's also like, do I have to just keep living right for 40 more years? Oh my God, dude, you ever get one of those moments where you just got like, you're like, oh my God, I got to step back and I just got to chill. Because you'll start to spin out and have an anxiety attack. I'm just having one straight up during the podcast. It's not an anxiety.

This is not an actual anxiety attack. But like you ever go to bed and you're just like, oh man, what happens when I die? Like, bro, when I was a kid, I would go to bed and I would think what happens when I die? And I would start getting so nuts because I'm like, like well either there's heaven or there's not and if there is then fine but if there's not then what happens it just stops and there's nothing so what's not living it's the absence of living but what is that but it's not even not living it's just nothing it's not even it's you know it's just this but like what the fuck is that and then i would start to my heart would start to beat and then like i stopped doing that because now I know better when I start thinking about that I just stop myself from thinking about it and I just start thinking of something else anything Tetris whatever pops into mind but

then it's like oh shit I still let myself go down that rabbit hole sometimes and I'm in my 40s oh I guess I'm worried about death i guess i am you know your parents get older and you see it happen and like then people start dying around you and then like you're in your 30s and like or 20s and you know the first kid from your high school you hear he died in like a car wreck you're like holy fucking shit you know that happened a while ago somebody i died at died at, somebody in college died, and then it's like, oh, fuck, I'm really rambling, and I'm sorry, and I'm just too hungry, man, whatever, I love you guys, and it is what it is, but yeah, have fun in your life, and have fun, and live each moment to the fullest, you know, whatever the fuck to say in a poster, I appreciate you. That's it for the fullest. You know, whatever the fuck to say in a poster.

I appreciate you. That's it for the YouTube episode. If you want the rest, the uncut episode, go to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia and you'll do that. And it's great. And you can also catch all the other episodes that we shot already. The extra episodes for the month. For each month. There's like 30 something of them.

Maybe 40 even. But I appreciate you guys. Thanks.