Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 357. The Wet Spot (357)

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

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runk hey yo what's up man you guys it is congratulations time but first let me just say i'm gonna be in houston dude what i'm in houston i i have a i'm opening up ticket well i have another show in sacramento so here's the deal look i got sacramento coming up uh Improv. Let me just go through it chronologically here. Sacramento, January 13th at the Crest Theater. I just added another show because the first one sold out. Then I'm going to be in Brea, California working some material. And I'll be in Phoenix at that Celebrity Theater, which is like one of my favorites.

It's in the round. El Paso, Albuquerque. These are all coming up. Kelowna, BC. Vancouver, I added a show. Had a show for sellout. Added a show. Rochester, New York.

Kitchener, Ontario. Shreveport. And then Houston. And Corpus Christi. And I got a bunch of other ones. Go to chrislea.com. I'm updating my schedule always. So go to chrislea.com.

Go to chrislea.com to get the merch. The Grow or Die special also is out there. Thank you to everyone that has seen the special. It's my proudest work. I appreciate you. If you haven't seen it yet, go to chrissy.com and get the special Grow or Die. And get some merch while you're there, dude. And that is that.

And this is Congratulations. It is the new year. And right now, as we are filming this, it is January 1. So, congratulations 2024. We are here and ready. I will be 44 this year and that is absolutely crazy to me. I don't feel old but you know I was in my I was at the gym today and I was in my, I was at the gym today and I was like, you know what, dude, I feel like, uh, I was doing this thing where I was like, I don't like that. There was something I was thinking in my head, like, I don't like that. And then I was like, Oh, that's an, I'm an old guy, I guess, you know? Like, I guess that's, am I going to be 44 this year? That's crazy. I forget my age a lot, actually. Um, but, uh, yeah. So anyway, it's the new years don't age a lot, actually. But, yeah.

So, anyway, it's the New Year's. Don't have a resolution. It's the New Year, not the New Year's. I don't like when people – Well, it's New Year's Day, so you can say it. Anyway, did some shows last night at the Laugh Factory. It was great. And, you know, I got to say, dude,

West Hollywood, Hollywood, L.A., it's always been my favorite place to perform because of it's hard to perform in L.A. because the crowds could do anything. It's not even like they're choosing to go see a comedy show. thing. They, they, they, it's not even like they're choosing to go see a comedy show. It's like they just happened to show up at a comedy show because they could go do anything else. They could go to saddle ranch down the street. They could go see, you know, just countless musicians in town. They can go to the troubadour. They could go to the magic castle. They could, you know, um, so I always liked doing shows in LA because I feel like in a way, if you can, you know, the crowds are jaded.

They've seen, they saw, they, you saw John Mayer drive by on the way into the comedy show. Right. So it's like, so I, I, I, uh, but so I've been doing material and I've been working on my material. Cause I've got, you know, I'm on tour now doing new material, doing material and I've been working on my material cause I've got, you know, I'm on tour now doing new material, not it, which is different from grow or die. So if you've seen this special, you can still come out. But, um, I, I was, I, I, I'm definitely

free talking about whatever I want. Like there's a lot, like I, I'm, I say things that I truly feel and believe. And, and, you know, it's the reason why I can do that now is because I'm free. I don't, I can't be canceled. Right. And that's a beautiful thing because I already, I faced that fire and I can say whatever I want. So I do, I do. I'm, I'm being authentic and a hundred percent me. And, and because of that, I say whatever the fuck I want. And I feel pockets of kickback in LA, like because of how LA LA is, um, you know, i can feel when i'm doing certain things and saying things that you you know uh that don't you know that that fly very well in the north of florida that that we're like you know the general population like but there's always those

pockets because like that whole thing and i don't want i don't want to talk about you know i hate talking getting talking about being woke and can't it's like all of it is just so it feels like it's passe at this point but um there are parts i i could feel like one or two people go like oh like when i say certain things and man it makes me feel alive, dude. I drill harder. You boys got to drill harder. So it is what it is, my babies. But it feels good to be free, bro.

I look at some other comedians that are doing stuff. There are some great comedians out there that are pushing the envelope. And I don't think, by the way, the goal should not be to push the envelope. It should be to be funny, right? Like there's comedians that are user-friendly, that are fantastic, very talented, and some of my favorite comedians. And there are guys that, you know, push the envelope that are also very fantastic, but there are comedians that are just, I don't know, man, I guess I, I guess I kind of, I always thought I was going to, you know,

there's no way I would have made it through any of this stuff without, like, cancel stuff without, like, I say say i would eventually say something and then somebody i would lose everything so you know obviously that happened anyway but like i feel i feel good it's 2024 and i feel good i guess that's what i'm trying to say i don't even know um but i don't have a resolution somebody asked me what my resolution is. I said, I don't have one. I went on the way to the gym. I was walking in my way to the gym and the lady said, do you have, what's your resolution? I says, you know what? I don't really do that. And I felt like, wow, I'm annoying. I'm an annoying guy. Right. Because an annoying person wants to let you know what type of guy

they are. Right. Or like what type of chick they are. Like, this isn't what an annoying guy they are right or like what type of chick they are like this isn't what an annoying guy says um um uh hey dude i'm not a dick i'm just telling the truth i'm just truthful hey guy you don't you can be truthful and not be a D-I-C-K, right? But, yeah, or like, sorry, I'm not a bitch. If you don't like the truth, then, you know, it's like, no, dude, you're a bitch, okay? But so she was like, what's your resolution? I was like, I don't really do that. And I was like, oh, fuck, it's not corny.

And I was like, I'm just going to keep doing my thing. I'm going I don't you know I'm just gonna keep doing my thing I'm gonna keep going keep going dude keep doing what you're doing man if you if your new year's resolution is to do something drastically different you already fucked up you need to implement that shit ah dude what is this a health and wellness podcast dude I'm not is this a fucking

am I an am I a fucking what do you call it? Influencer? Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Do I influence? Maybe.

I don't know. My point is, just keep going. Some of you are going to be 44 this year. Just keep going. But I feel good, man. I feel nice. I was doing fucking my back and my fucking chest today.

What the hell? He didn't even hit legs, dude. He hits legs all the time. He didn't even hit legs. It's like... A lot of stuff, I think, happened in my life in this past week.

The Christmas... I talked about Christmas a little bit. Dude, Calvin. Holy Christ. Kristen was out of town for two nights. She went to the bowl game. I don't know what the bowl game is in Dallas, the toilet bowl or whatever the fuck it is.

And she went and it was Mizzou versus whoever the hell they played. And where's my podcast? Here. And, dude, so I was alone with Calvin. My mother-in-law was in town, but I was alone with Calvin, meaning I put him to bed, and I was also alone in the bed sleeping. Okay? Now, for some reason, sleeping alone in my bed,

I don't know what it is, but it's so hard to go to sleep. I think it's that thing like when my wife is not in our bed, in my bedroom, I have this thought where it's that thing like when my wife is not in my in our bed in my bedroom i have this thought where it's like man i got this bed i can do anything why don't i build a castle in here you know what i mean like just like idiot dude stuff and then you know what i do nothing i just wait in bed till i go to sleep right Right. But like, I'll get in and I'll be like, maybe I'll bring chips in here. I don't even eat chips. You know, dude, I got to get fun dip, you know, like just dumb dummy shit. Like let's watch porn on the TV. And I don't,

I've never done that. Right. Not saying I don't watch porn, but like on the TV, dude, you know what I'll do? Airplay BJs and then i just go i have that thought and then i just go and then i just wait and play like royal match on my phone until i fall asleep right so i put calvin to bed i i i went to go do a show i I believe, and then I came back because, you know, my mother-in-law was here. And I come back. I'm about to pass out. And I hear my son scream my mother-in-law's name, which he calls her Kiki. It's not her name because she's not, you know, a stripper from Fort Lauderdale. But he calls her Kiki and he says, Kiki.

And I run out and I say, Calvin, what's up? And he says, and he's like, it comes in my bed. And he, I say, are you okay, buddy? Did you have a bad dream? And he says, yeah. I said, what was your dream? He said, I was sweating. I was sweating, sweating. I was sweating, trying to get to mom. I kept on sweating, trying to get to mom and I couldn't get her and mom got away. And I was like, oh man, that's so sad. You know, it sounds

fine, but you know, you know how dreams can be nightmares and they're not, nothing bad. You know what I'm saying? Like you could be like, you know how dreams can be nightmares and they're not nothing bad. You know what I'm saying? Like you could be like, you could have a, the scariest dream ever. And it's just, uh, it's really just your man. I was at radio shack and dude, it was crazy. The guy was like, he kept asking me questions about VCRs. And it was like, I didn't really know the answer. And then he was like, I'll go into the back. Come with me. And we went to the back. And there were like a bunch of fucking electronics. And you're talking about this nightmare.

And you're telling this to some guy. And the guy's like, oh, yeah, that's not scary. That's so boring that don't tell me that, you fucking loser. Hey, stop wasting my time. You just told me about an errand. So my son said that and I was like, eh, I guess it's kind of scary. If you're almost four, you can't find your mom and you're sledding. Why are you sledding?

You know? So I'm like, oh, that's, that's, that's all good, buddy. It's fake. I'm with you right now. I gotcha. We go to sleep, right? So, but I didn't even go to sleep yet. So it's three 30 now. And I'm like? So I didn't even go to sleep yet. So it's 3.30 now.

And I'm like, man, I haven't gone to sleep yet. He wakes up at 4.30. So now one hour later, I finally get to sleep. Now I'm up. And he goes, dude, this is what he does. Sits up in bed. And I feel it. Like I'm a light.

I'm sleeping light. And I look over. And I look over and my son, who's almost for the scariest of the horror movie age for kids when they're in movies and demonic points to nothing and says, Hey dad, who's that guy? Chills But I bury it And why do I bury it? Because I'm dad Now, am I scared? No, I'm terrified

But I'm neither scared or terrified right now because I've got to swallow it and I'm dad, right? Say he said, who's that guy? And I go, no one's there and ran out and jumped into the pool. My son traumatized and knows I'm a pussy, all right? so i immediately swallowed it i'm not scared or terrified i'm dad so i say what guy and he says that guy over there and i said calvin nobody's over there and he says yes there is terror but i bury it because i'm dad and And I say, well, what do you mean? Because there's nobody over there. And he says, yeah, there's a guy over there. He's like talking. Oh, hey, shit, get back up in my anus. I say, oh, what's he saying? And he says, he's talking and he's kind of doing like this. And then my son goes like this.

So not only is it scary that my son thinks there's someone in my room that I don't see that's doing this, but I'm also staring at an almost four-year-old doing this. Nothing's scarier. Okay. So now I say, oh, well, he's not doing that. And you're just dreaming. It's all good. I got you, get back to sleep, now he lays down, I hold him, but I'm like, I kind of need to, I'm scared, shit, get back up in that anus, and then I woke, you know, I had to wake up after that, like, 8 30, because Billy got up, dude, it was, it was, it was terrifying, hey, dude, hey, Calvin, if you're watching this when you're older, thanks for that, but by the way, I protected you, didn't I, and I said I would, and, you know, I protected you against nothing, but there's nothing was there, but what if kids

get, are, like, in it, can see in a secret dimension, like dogs can, you know, and they know i protected you against nothing but there's nothing was there but what if kids get are like in it can see in a secret dimension like dogs can you know and they see ghosts right i don't believe in that shit but i'm just saying like there's no ghosts dude i'm so it's so annoying that people think that ghosts are real and stuff like that is real because i'm not even saying it's not real if it is real show me all good i'm almost four. Show me and I'll believe it. You didn't yet? Okay. See ya.

I am getting old though because I fucking ate. No, not ate. I was, God, this is actually so embarrassing. Whatever. Who gives a shit? It's not embarrassing. I don't get embarrassed at this kind of stuff. I should.

I say it's embarrassing because it should be embarrassing a shit it's not embarrassing i don't get embarrassed at this kind of stuff i should i say it's embarrassing because it should be embarrassing but it's not i i was i was sick i told you i was sick uh last time i think yeah i did and um i was like 10 sick for like two two weeks. And the last part was like a stomach thing. And my son, I just go, I come out downstairs and I'm like, oh, I got a toot. Nothing's better than tooting in front of a three-year-old, right? I'm going to get like a standing ovation. Like I'm just so happy. I can't wait.

I got this toot locked, right? So I run over, I say, yo, Calvin. And he says, what? I lift up my leg and I go to blast out the toot. No sound, no toot comes out. And that's a real bummer not get the laugh, the sound didn't come out and I shit in my pants with my leg up. All right. Like dude, one, like one thing, if you are shitting in your pants standing, that's embarrassing, bro. I fucking lifted a leg up. Like I was a power puff girl. What are those things? Like I was just, and then just powder puff, power, power, power puff, dude.

And I, and I go, Oh, I'll be right back, dude. This is how it looked. They go, Hey, Calvin lifted a leg up. And I said, I'll be right back, dude. He had no idea that I just low lows. What a bummer, huh? Dude. And I'm talking about, it wasn't like the kind where you have to go and wipe it and you can wear the same underwear. I had to change. Like, dude, I went back upstairs, walked into my room, and I was a man changing his shitty underwear. Dude, do you understand? And the best part, my son had no idea any of that happened. He didn't even know I tried to fart. He just thought I lifted a leg up and then said, I'll be right back.

How amazing. And then I forgot. And here's the best part because our nanny was there when it happened. I forgot that I didn't tell them it happened. And then later on, I was telling my wife about it. And my nanny heard me and said, oh, you shit yourself then? And I said, oh yeah, I forgot. I guess I didn't tell you. Dude! The best dad.

It's just really great, you know? What does this mean? Sometimes I write shit down, I've got no idea. Poo poo with the scent thing in my eye babe what does that mean do you know do you know poo poo with the scent thing

in my eye poo poo with the scent thing in my eye scent thing like smelling scent scent thing in my eye I don't know i got something in my eye i guess it was poo poo i don't know i thought i had pink eye i don't remember anyway um dude i i i know that sometimes i talk about being a dad too much but it is full on the greatest thing, dude. It's full on the greatest thing. You know how they say,

try to get to a point where what you love becomes your job and get paid for that? I did that with standup comedy. Bro, now I need to get paid for being a dad because that's what I love. So in a way, that is what I'm doing, because I'm talking about being a dad. So it all kind of works out. But dude, we went to Cirque du Soleil, which was in Phoenix. We went to Phoenix, went to Cirque du Soleil. Now, when I was a kid, I went to Cirque du Soleil and I remember, dude, I'm not a guy. I have a thing where I'm not impressed by something

that is as impressive as it can be. I'm not very impressed with something that only only uh ends up fueling itself right like this is hard to explain but like break dancing or or beatboxing is is like a number one thing it's like as good as you are at beatboxing the only thing that that means is you're a good beatboxer it doesn't help with anything else you know break dancing is kind of like that but you could argue it's good exercise so it kind of falls to the wayside in that way but like stuff like that i i don't like sports is kind of like that except for it helps you be more capable of hand-eye coordination so but it's one of the reasons why i don't like sports but beatboxing number one thing like that okay cirque du soleil is kind of in that area because i get it you're twisting twirling plates around and you're a human pretzel and you're jumping off

a high dive but then i'm like who cares you still got to go get groceries after that you know you still got to wipe off all your kabuki shit and then go do your life. And I understand that's your passion. That's what you love. And look, people flock to it. So that's great. Do it. But it's not for me.

All right? It's not for me. So, of course, my wife and her side of the family say, let's go to Cirque du Soleil. And I think, huh, I don't love Cirque du Soleil, but I would love to take my kids to Cirque du Soleil. Now, Billy's too young. So we took Calvin. We all went, all the family, her and Kiki and all everybody in her family. There were like so many people there in her family. A lot of people in her family. You'd think she was a Mormon.

And we get to Cirque du Soleil and we're watching it. And Calvin is good at watching stuff, dude. Like real good. Like not all over the seat, you know, for 40 minutes, he'll bang it out. And then when that 41st minute hits, he will look at me, no matter what we're watching, and no matter how many people are around, and he will very loudly say, let's leave. Okay? So that happened, right?

They were doing some twirly things, and it's impressive. It is impressive, but I don't care. In the back of my head, I'm watching these dudes jump over each other, and I'm like, that's cool, but there's something else, huh? There's something else with your life, huh? No, I'm glad you like it. Figure something else out, right? You're still young.

You got your whole life ahead of you. Stop jumping over that guy, right? Ah. you got your whole life ahead of you. Stop jumping over that guy, right? Ah. So I leave with Calvin because everyone's not going to leave and he's like, let's leave.

So I'm like, all right, come on, let's go. Dude, I have a video of it and I'll send it to you so you can put it in the thing. But there's these big promo posters of like things that are coming to the theater. I played the theater before. It used to be the Comerica Theater. Now it's something.

It's not called that anymore. And my son stops and looks up at this promo, this poster that is, I don't see what he's looking at, but he's just like, and I'm, I'm like, it must be like Bluey or Blues Clues or that guy that got in trouble for shitting on another guy that used to be the, what was it? on another guy that used to be the, what was it? What's that guy? Hey guys, come on. Let's go look at the merry-go-round.

Or the fucking science. What the fuck is his name? Blippi. He shit on another guy. Yeah, and they had to replace him. Yeah, he got canceled for shitting on another guy. So they got a mixed race Blippi now. And if you're white, you can shitting on another guy. So they got a mixed race Blippi now. And if you're white, you can't shit on another guy.

Even if it's fucking all, you know, on the level. Now, by the way, because that happened, now I'm a Blippi fan. I didn't give a shit about him at all. But he straight up shit on another dude. And the video got out and he got fired as Blippi. Which sucks, dude. My heart goes out to that dude, but whatever. Anyway, he is enveloped in this poster. I look at the poster and it's just for Rob Schneider's show coming to the, to his standup show. Like I'm,

I'm talking about my son is like locked into it. And it's just a picture of Rob Schneider. And he's like this. And it's like narcissist, whatever his show is called, narcissist confessions, narcissist confessions, I think it's called.

And my son says, I want to see that. And I say, you want to see this and he says yeah i want to see that and i said well i mean i can make it happen if you want you know i know obviously no rob and shit and like oh i guess hilarious my son i told him his name was rob schneider my son wouldn't shut the fuck up about Rob Schneider for the next. Okay. On the way home, he's like, I see. Dude, for all the guys, it's like, I see Rob Schneider.

Dude, can we, when we get home, can we see YouTube? Can we look up on YouTube Rob Schneider? Can we see Rob Schneider videos? And I'm just like, buddy, you're not going to like gonna like it like i don't know what he thinks it is but he kept and then we were and then later on when we got home he was like what's your favorite part cirque du soleil he was like it was when the guy with the hat and it was the guy with the hat. That poster, dude. It was the guy with the hat and he's talking. And we're like, what fucking part is that? And he was like, you know, I said, you mean the person on stage?

He said, no, no, on the poster. He's talking about fucking Rob Schneider, dude. The poster of Rob schneider was his favorite part of cirque du soleil so hilarious we go to bed and i mean in the car the whole way home it's like 25 minutes away from the house he was just like hey dad turn around one time i swear to god he said hey dad turn around i turned around looked at him and he said rob schneider bro he's not even four Okay

So So We get home You know we go to sleep Go to sleep We're all sleeping in the same bed Billy is in another room But it's me, Kristen

And Calvin is sleeping in between us And we're I'm playing Royal Match which by the way calvin showed me the game i didn't know about it but i do play royal match now it's an app and i'm playing the game and calvin's like laughing messing it up and shit like i'm playing hitting the buttons and i don't you know i'm of two minds i'm like oh it's beautiful i gotta let my kid do This is so fun. I can't tell him to stop. But then also I'm like, you're fucking up my royal match game, you know? Crazy. I can't swallow that part and completely have it leave my body. But I'm still in the back of my head.

I'm like, ah, he's ruining it. That's all good. Well, like, why do I even have to feel that part, you know? Why can't I just be in love with my son moving the jewels around and fucking it up for me? But I also, that bothers me but hey real is real and he speaks his mind right he speaks his mind so anyway um we go to sleep we wake up and when i wake up i'm looking at calvin because i'm obsessed with him. And he wakes up, opens his eyes, looks at me and he says,

wah. And I didn't say anything. And he says, you know what that sounds like? And I said, what? And he said, wah, Schneido. Bro, after that, I realized, well, the day's not going to get any better. You know, like that's the absolute pinnacle of the day. And that's fine.

But how fucking funny is it? That's what I'm saying. Being a dad, dude, fuck. I was talking to my friend the other day. He was like, maybe I'll have kids. I'm like, bro. Bro. What the fuck does poo-poo with the scent thing in my eye mean?

Don't know. Nah, something got in my eye, though. New Year's Eve was fun. We went to, I was in Long Beach. I did the show in Long Beach. And drove to Hollywood on the way. A little bit of an argument with kristin and then did a show in uh at uh in hollywood we buttoned up the argument you know what is it about fucking holidays were you just is it a self-fulfilling prophecy because at this

point i'm like i know one thing's going to happen on the holidays. I'm going to eat too much and I'm going to get in an argument with my wife. Like that's just, what is that? And I know you feel me on this, dudes. And the women. Like what is it about that? It's not particularly more stressful. I mean, sometimes it is, right?

Like if you're having everybody over on Christmas, you're like, well, something's going to go on. I'm going to snap. Be ready. Hey, like, you know what I'm saying? Like you wake up in the morning. Now, sweetie, first of all, Merry Christmas. Love you. I can't wait to give you your gift.

I know the fam's coming over later. Sweetheart, I'm going to snap. Okay. Forgive me. I'll try not to, but it's inevitable. I'm going to, I'm going to say something really sharp to you, right? I'm not going to call you a bitch because I don't do that, but I'm going to hit you with the business. Right? I'm going to say, well, then where the fuck is it louder than I, my normal cadence, right?

I mean, let's just, and then you're going to be like, okay, and you're going to get quiet, right? You need to be quiet for way too long. And then I'm going to have to come over and be like,

what's up? Something wrong. And I know what's wrong, but I'm going to have to make you say it right so you know new year's happened so we i don't even honestly remember what it was about we buttoned it up it's all good but my my uh but kristen to go after, oh, this, so I, this is not what the argument was, but it was like, I was like, Hey, I'm going to do shows on New Year's Eve. If you want to come, if you don't want to come, I won't do the shows. Right. But like, if it will go out

or whatever, we'll stay home, whatever it is, we'll do something else, but I'll do shows. If you want to come out, she's like, fuck it. It sounds like fun. So I booked the shows, did them. you shows if you want to come out she's like fuck it sounds like fun so i booked the shows did them and she was like hey my friends are at soho house downtown um can we go after your set at the laugh factory the second one and i was like man, I'm supposed to go on stage at 1116 was my spot. I'm going to do 20 minutes, 25, 35, 36. That's how I do math. So it's going to be 1136. Then I got to get down to downtown, which is who the fuck?

I mean, sometimes that drive is an hour in traffic. I don't think there'll be that much traffic, but I'm like, babe, we may not make it. Because here's the thing. The spots are at 1116. It's not going to be at 1116. I don't think there'll be that much traffic, but I'm like, babe, we may not make it because here's the thing. The spots are at 1116. It's not going to be at 1116. The spots will be later than that. So we're playing a real close and my wife is cool as shit. She goes like this.

Who cares? And I'm like, we might be in the car when the ball drops. And she says, whatever. And I'm like, you're awesome. But she really wants to go to the Soho house. And gun to my head, do I want to go to Soho house? Gun to my head. Like I'm trying to think.

Nah. You know? I don't. Gun to my head. Do I want to go do anything? Nah. You know what I'm saying? I want to go home.

Right? Don't want to be a New Year. It's all her friends. I love her friends, by the way. But none of my friends, which they're my friends too, but know what i mean dude don't make me explain it um and uh so the manager says when do you want me to light you and i say uh give me a light like 15 and i'll wrap it up in five you know five minutes whatever it is whatever how long spot is 18 minutes it's like all right i'm on stage it's going well i'm having a good time on stage um making people laugh usually new year's shows are sometimes a little weird and disjointed because anytime a show is about

when something else takes precedence over the comedy the show is not as good usually like new year's eve comedy show the thing on everyone's mind is it's new year's eve not the comedy show or saint patrick's day right anything like that is just halloween the worst time to perform right so um so but it was good so i did the show and i'm on stage and I look and I get the light. But it's not the light that they usually give. It's the fucking, it's a cell phone with red on it. And I'm like, oh, the light must be broken. I get off stage and my wife's like, let's go. And I'm like, all right, we, we may, we got

17 minutes to get downtown. We get in a car and she was like, oh man, I wonder if we'll make it. It says ETA is 1201. So I'm like, fuck dude, I'm in the throat mobile. Good time. I took it. I took this bro. I'm screaming through the streets. And my wife was like, wasn't that hilarious? And I said, wasn't what hilarious? And she said, when I, when I lit you, dude, I didn't even get the light yet. My wife lit me.

Dude, my wife was in the back with her like that was why the light was not the light and it was a red cell phone she was like yeah like i was gonna like it i actually did i thought it was fucking hilarious she was like because i knew you wanted the light. I heard you say you wanted it at 15 minutes, and it was 15 minutes. I was like, they're going to let me go longer? She was like, yeah, but I knew it was at 15 minutes, and I looked at the time we get there, and we're going to get there in the nick of time, so I lit you.

I was like, you got off just in time. We're going to be there at 12.01. She was like, try to shave two minutes off. I was like, all right. Dude, I'm screaming down the one-on-one. She's just like, go faster. By the way, she is always on my shit. If I even think about texting and driving, she's like, uh-uh. If I don't do a stop at a stop sign, she's like Christopher. sign she's like christopher and now when it benefits her dude she's like go faster i'm like baby i'm going 90 miles an hour faster i go faster she's hell yeah dude we get there at 11 58 your

boy can drive he's mario andretti he's al unser jr what the fuck god damn it dude screaming through the streets of la you know because car's too low oh fuck god damn it every time that happens my the bottom i bottom out and also i bottom out because my anus prolapses because i'm so nervous um and then dude here's the thing you don't know my wife but she did the most my wife thing ever you don't know her so this isn't going to be, this isn't going to be anger inducing to you guys, but for me, it's going to be anger inducing.

We're driving on the way there, halfway there. I'm screaming, going 90 on the freeway. It's a Tupac song. And she says, oh, shit. And I say, what?

And she says, I don't have my wallet. Hey, this sucks. Aw, come on wife you left your wallet home on new years eve hey come on I guess we gotta go to the brain store you need a replacement. So dude, I, and I'm like, Oh babe, we're not going to be able to

get in. And she says, nah, I'm going to get my friend to come down and meet us. Give me her ID. And then we're going to get in with her ID. And I say, what the fuck is your friend going to do? She's like, she's already in there. She already got in, so it'll be fine. I'm like, maybe. And then I actually say this. Maybe they won't card us because it's me. Like a fucking degenerate.

But if it's good for something, because sometimes they're like, oh, yeah, yeah, come on in, you know, because you're famous. So I get there. I pull up. I say, bro, here's the keys. I do the valet. The guy, of course, her friend isn't out there. So I'm like, the bouncer, he's French or some shit. He's like, oh, no, I'm pulling up. My wife is already there talking to the bouncer. And she's's french or some shit he's like oh no i'm pulling up my wife is already

there talking to the bouncer bouncer and she's just like i don't know yeah so what is it with the uh to me looking to me like that that look of oh hey we're gonna talk a secret language and you're gonna be on my page right we're going to outsmart this guy. And I see it in her face. And I think, oh, fuck. What page, right? Because, like, are we spies? Because if we're spies, cool. But also, you had some shots.

So it's not going to probably go the way you think it. So she's like, so are we on? Is it, was it, was it Patty's list or, and I'm, and I'm like, well, Patty's a friend, but she was like, are you, is it you that has the membership or is it Patty that has the membership? And I'm like, well, I don't have a membership to Soho house, so I have to say Patty. So I'm like Patty. And then the French bounce was like, then, I don't have a membership to Soho House, so I have to say Patty. So I'm like, Patty. And then the French bouncer was like, then we need both of your IDs.

And I'm just like, where's your friend? Like, what page do I, how am I? So then Patty runs. And in the meantime, the buzz is up you know new year's is happening there's there's 30 seconds to midnight okay patty comes down that's them the french guy looks at me and goes okay go ahead we go in we're in the elevator and we're like is it time we're in the elevator in the elevator with elevator with, it's three of us and then one other chick that we don't know.

And she's like, I think the ball is dropping. And we're like, okay. We go up to the, oh, the door go, boom, shoo. The elevator door go, boom, shoo. And everyone screams, happy new year. Dude, and we fucking made it that was the best way dude we did it he screamed through the 101 and fucking valet parked his car which he doesn't normally valet that car because it's fucking high end but he still did it patty came down didn't need the fucking ids went up in the elevator doors open screamed

happy new year fuck yeah dude it was so dope and then also since after that the night obviously went downhill because that was really exciting and then i was just kind of like buying drinks for everybody how crazy is it that when it's like your wife or your girl and her friends and like you're paying for the drinks, and I know everybody doesn't do this, but like you're just, you're paying for a worse time. You know? a worse time you know it's like you're you're it's the worst transaction everything you pay for benefits you

because money benefits you and with money you get stuff that the only thing you get is something that benefits you. Nobody's going to be like, hey, here's 10K. Give me HIV. Right? But when you're with your wife or girlfriend and her friends and you're buying the drinks, even if you're just buying them some drinks, you're paying to make it worse for you that and i'm here i am babe the card and i'm just oh here uh okay what what is it you know oh you already added the tip cruel i did i also tipped you so that's i just went too much here you go and then um okay drink all these ladies and then yell in my face

drink all these and then you know dance to don't forget to scream out the part we want prenups when they play it right and uh so i'm like all right and they're having a blast and by the way i'm joking it was it was it was they were having a great time and it was really cool to see. Like I was obviously sober, not, not drinking, but they were having a few drinks and it was, it was so fun to see them have fun. Like, and I'm just like, I was one of the things where like, you know, we were having conversation, but then I was like, they were dancing on the dance floor and I'm like, huh,

I'm in appendix right now. I'm not needed. Right. appendix right now. I'm not needed, right? I could literally explode and it would be okay. You know, appendix can just burst and like, you can just get it out. You don't need it. So I'm like, I'm going to go out to the, uh, outside area. Cause it looks like there's less people there. And I walk out there and this dude looks at me

and he says, bro, 12 out of 10. You're a 12 out of 10. And I'm like, is he talking about my comedy or is this guy trying to fuck me? Like, I don't know what he's means. So I say, you're the man, bro.

Fist bump him. Then I go sit down in water. Of course, because that's just what happens. I sat down on a wet spot because it was the time for that. You know what I'm saying? I didn't want to, I didn't know there was a wet spot. I knew it was there. I wouldn't have sat there, but it was my time in the night and in my life to sit on a wet spot and be annoyed for the rest of the night because I had a wet ass, right? I, it was just, I didn't even get mad at it. I sat in the wet spot, and in my head, I just go, that's the game.

I sit down, I go, charge it to the game. That is the, just, yes, that's how it goes. The cookie crumbles that way. Great. Fine. I'm in the wet spot because I ain't moving. I'm Desiree at this point because I ain't moving. I'm Desiree at this point. I ain't moving.

And because I'm stubborn. And if I'm going to sit in a wet spot, I'm going to work it out. Like I heard George Carlin once say that he got a jaywalking ticket. And so since then, he started to jaywalk even more. And in a few years he worked out to like, each jaywalk was a fraction of a penny. And I'm like, I'm going to store that in my mind.

And then that's why I sat in the wet spot and didn't move because I'm like, I'm going to make this worth it. I'm not going to use the energy to get up and get to a different dry spot and then fuck it. Right. So I'm like, oh, going to make this worth it. I'm not going to use the energy to get up and get to a different dry spot and then fuck it, right? So I'm like, oh, wet spot. All right, cool. Charge to the game. I'm all good.

So I sit there. Because I'm not getting up, dude, all this is the shit that goes on in my mind, bro. I mean, when I say this out loud, sometimes on the podcast, I'm just like, I can't believe how crazy I am. And I'm on meds. Like, I'm on meds.

Like, people out there that are afraid to take meds because they think they're going to change who you are, hey, take the meds. It's going to be fine. I sat in a wet spot on purpose for 15 minutes. You're good. So, I'm sitting there. This dude comes up to me. A different

dude. Not the 12 out of 10 dude. And says, dude, he does one of these. And it's fine, except for he already did that 10 minutes ago to me. Didn't tell you that part, because I wanted

to tell the story like this. Because I wanted you to understand how annoying it was after I threw that in there. Okay. I didn't tell you about the guy before when he did it because then I didn't want to be like, and then that guy who did this came along and then did this again it wouldn't have had as much impact as you know i did like the pulp fiction thing where it was like oh it starts in the middle and it ends at the beginning and shit it would have been fun one of these is fine bro again you did it inside and outside so you know oh yeah what's up he says man what's up dude i'm like not much chilling you're the man and he says yeah do i hey do you mind if i sit down and just have a chat with you and i go in my head right the alarm's like how the fuck do i get out of this

but i say a version of hell yes because i don't want to be a dick what you know what i mean like have boundaries and then i through the whole course of conversation i'm talking to this guy for like five minutes six minutes i'm like i could have just said i'm actually enjoying sitting in this wet spot by myself sir um but he was like so dude like you know what he said to me at first so how's comedy hey guy are you taking boring pills what the fuck, hey, guy, come on, hey, guy, can you sign up for some conversation class, I know, it sounds fucking, like, I'm an elitist and shit, but, like,

come with it, man, how's comedy, you know what I'm gonna say, Come with it, man. How's comedy? You know what I'm going to say. Good. It's good, man. I don't know. What do you mean? You know, it's good.

Yeah, how's shows been? Great, man. It's been going really well. You know, torn a lot. Yeah? Yeah. Hey, man, can I ask you something? He says.

And I say, in my head but obviously hell yes and he says got a question what's your favorite city to perform in and the truth is I don't know people ask me that a lot but like it's kind of all the same except for

when you're in like Sugarland, Texas. You know? Or Des Moines? You know, I don't know. But I... Whenever it says, what's your favorite city to perform in? Cause that,

that's, that's not what's your favorite city to be in. That, that is an easy answer question. Oh, I love New York. I love, uh,

you know, uh, Vancouver, Toronto, Austin. I love these Chicago, my kind of town, right?

Um, but, what's your favorite city to perform in? My kind of town, right? But what's your favorite city to perform in? Now I got to think of the shows. Okay. I go, I was like, I don't know. Boston is great to perform in.

Chicago, New York, Fort Lauderdale is really great. And he's like, huh? And I was like, maybe at least the silver lining of this conversation will be because it wasn't that bad the guy was so nice and i'm being funny for the podcast but at least i know one thing that is keeping me going in this conversation his ass is probably wet so I'm talking to him and he's trying to pretend his ass isn't wet but I know we're both in the wet ass club right? I know I know as soon as you sat down that we're both sitting in

we're swamp asses right now and then he says alright all right, well, good. You know, we talked for six minutes. Oh, and then the 12 out of 10 guy comes up and says, Hey man, here's a drink to me. And I'm like, Oh dude, I don't drink. I'm really sorry. But, uh, you know, I, I don't. And she says, all right, gives it to the other guy and says, here, you drink it. And the guy's like, uh, he didn't know the guy. And I'm like, bro, no. You know what I mean?

Takes the drink. The guy leaves. Then the guy who was talking to me got up and I looked down completely dry in his area and I was pissed. I was the only one with swamp ass. Charges to the game. Dude, I can't believe Kristen lit me, you know? That's like absolutely bonkers.

But it is what it is. God, that's funny, dude. That's funny. I can't wait till my Sacramento shows. How about that? Sacramento, I kind of like. I like performing in Sacramento. I know people think it's kind of a weird town,

but it's nice. I'm not saying the thing is not, the town is nice. I don't know. What is it? This is crazy that you sent me this. Ian Ziering fights many bikers on New York City because I fucking thought of Ian, oh,

Ian. I thought, his name, I pronounced it Ian. I thought of him today. Bro, what the fuck? The last time I thought of Ian Ziering before today was when I was 13.

And I thought of him today and I actually thought, oh yeah, that's a guy. By the way, I've met him a few times. The nicest, bro, when I tell you, when somebody says who's the nicest guy you met in Hollywood, he's at the top of the list. John Corbett is at the top of the list and Ian Ziering is at the top of the list. Who else is at the top of the list? The nicest guys in Hollywood.

who else is at the top of the list? The nicest guys in Hollywood. Ian Ziering, John Corbett, a lot of dicks in Hollywood, honestly. A lot of dicks in Hollywood. That's it. If there was a movie with John Corbett and Ian Ziering,

I would be first in line. I would be there before the theater opened up, dressed as one of their characters like they do for Star Wars. That's how nice they are. They're both so nice. Who the fuck else is nice? I don't know. I can't think of another nice person.

And I don't mean not nice. Like, I know nice people in Hollywood. But I'm talking about that nice where you just walk away and you're like, God damn, he was really nice and made me feel really comfortable. You know? A lot of people are, you know, cool. Anyway, this is the video where he got. Now I have a video of him getting in a fight with bikers.

So it was probably because he was like trying to save a woman. That's how nice he is. And we are following some developing news. Beverly Hills 90210 star Ian Ziering attacked by a group of bikers in L.A. Holy shit. Video from TMZ shows the New Year's Eve dust up along Hollywood Boulevard as several minibikes were zipping in and out of traffic. It appears Ziering's car may have been hit,

and he took out his anger on one of the bikers. Others joined in, ganging up on Ziering's car may have been hit and he took out his anger on one of the bikers. Others joined in, ganging up on Ziering until he ran across the street to break free. TMZ reports a police report was taken listing Ziering as the victim. Dude, that's crazy. And this is for Brenda. Dude, how crazy is it? You know what sucks, dude? Having to get into a fight with a guy with four guys with helmets on.

You just, you can't punch them. You'll break your hand. So you just go, oh, fuck. Man, you know what that is? Straight up rage. Some iron-zearing rage. This is crazy. That's it.

I'm going to be in Sacramento and Houston and Phoenix and Albuquerque and El Paso. Go to chrislea.com to get tickets. And after this, go watch my special, chrislea.com. It's called Grow or Die. Get it at chrislea.com. Appreciate the support. Work really hard on it. And then leave a comment and all that. If you want to watch uh that's it for youtube if you want to watch the rest of the video

uh this episode go to patreon.com slash chris d'alia and watch the end uh watch the rest of it this uh and watch the rest of every other episode that we have and then also watch the one episode a month that we do extra on our Patreon for just $6. I don't even know how many episodes there are, but you can go get it now and watch all of the ones that we've done. If you're on a road trip, if you're having a good time, if you want a fucking pigeon, do it. But thank to fucker, I'm scared of that fucking clown. I swear to fucker.